Vault: What are the signs that he is bad in bed?

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bert Show

Episode Title: Vault: What are the signs that he is bad in bed?
Date: August 3, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show is a lively and humor-infused deep-dive into the red flags that might signal a man is "bad in bed"—before reaching the bedroom. The cast riffs through both popular myths and personal anecdotes, all while inviting listeners to call in with their own stories. The conversation weaves humor with practical commentary, focusing on how to avoid adding regrettable names to the notorious "list."

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Infamous "Skank Number" and Avoiding Regrets

• The cast jokes about women wanting to keep their “numbers” low and not wanting to add underwhelming partners to their sexual history.
  • “You don’t need to increase your numbers. Right? I mean, ladies don’t want to…” — Jeff (00:39)
  • “If these warning signs happen beforehand, then you’re saving yourself a number.” — Jeff (01:02)
• There’s banter about erasing especially bad experiences from the "list."
  • “If it’s that bad though, don’t you conveniently forget to add it anyway?” — Danny (01:16)

2. Sign #1: Bad Dancer = Bad in Bed?

• The classic myth that lack of rhythm on the dancefloor translates to awkwardness in the bedroom is debated.
  • “If you can’t dance... you’re not good.” — Unidentified Male Caller (01:50)
  • “I don’t agree with that, because then you would never date a white guy.” — Jeff (01:56)
  • Justin Timberlake jokes ensue, poking fun at celebrity stereotypes.
    • “He’d be like, I don’t have to impress you. I’m Justin Timberlake.” — Jeff (02:27)

3. Sign #2: Bad Kisser = Bad Lover

• General consensus that a bad kisser sets the tone for bad sex.
  • “If he’s a bad kisser... sex is probably gonna fall flat.” — Danny (02:41)
  • “Also, you don’t even get to sex if he’s a bad kisser.” — Unidentified Male Caller (02:51)
• Jen humorously describes her “trout mouth” kissing technique.
  • “That’s why when I kiss a girl, I just open my mouth as wide as possible, let her do whatever she wants.” — Jen (03:02)

4. Sign #3: Bragging About Bedroom Skills

• The group agrees that guys who boast about their abilities tend to disappoint.
  • “If he talks about how good he is in bed...” — Jen (03:36)
  • "If somebody brags about being a great, you know, ball player... usually get them out on the field and they're..." — Unidentified Female Caller (04:11)
  • They joke about setting expectations low for “average” to seem “great.”
    • “Average equals great.” — Danny (04:41)
    • “I'm the most mediocre lover you will ever love.” — Jen (04:43)
  • This leads to a series of self-deprecating, comedic exchanges.

5. Sign #4: Not Carrying Condoms

• Noted as a potential red flag for someone out of practice.
  • “If he isn’t carrying condoms... he might be bad in bed.” — Danny (05:43)
• Jen jokes nostalgically about her college days, taking condom safety to an extreme.
  • “In college I used to wear one all the time... like it was a sock.” — Jen (05:57)
  • The conversation devolves into playful banter about condom storage problems.

6. Sign #5: Interrupts or Doesn’t Listen

• Poor listening skills in conversation may reflect in the bedroom.
  • “A guy who interrupts... doesn’t seem to be listening to you at all.” — Danny (06:42)

7. Sign #6: Talks About His Mom (Too Much)

• A man who references his mom obsessively signals issues.
  • “If he talks about his mom a lot... he’s probably not gonna be good in bed.” — Danny (06:50)
• Cast responds skeptically to the likelihood of framed bedside photos of moms.
  • “Who does that?” — Jeff (07:12)

8. Sign #7: Bad Hygiene

• Poor hygiene—breath or body odor—considered a surefire sign.
  • “If he smells... he’s gonna be bad in bed.” — Danny (07:23)

9. Sign #8: Denies “Taking Care Of Himself”

• The inability to admit to masturbation is flagged as a sign of bedroom awkwardness.
  • “If he says he never takes care of himself... both indicate a bizarre sexual issue...” — Danny (07:56)
  • “Yeah, that would be weird because, I mean, what guy doesn’t...” — Jeff (08:14)
  • Not just for men—applies to women as well, per the group’s consensus.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “If it’s that bad though, don’t you conveniently forget to add it anyway?” — Danny (01:16)
• “That’s why when I kiss a girl, I just open my mouth as wide as possible, let her do whatever she wants...” — Jen (03:02)
• “If he talks about how good he is in bed...” — Jen (03:36)
• “I’m the most mediocre lover you will ever love.” — Jen (04:43)
• “In college I used to wear one [a condom] all the time... like it was a sock.” — Jen (05:57)
• “If he talks about his mom a lot... he’s probably not gonna be good in bed.” — Danny (06:50)
• “If he smells... he’s gonna be bad in bed.” — Danny (07:23)
• “If he says he never takes care of himself... both indicate a bizarre sexual issue...” — Danny (07:56)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment Description | |-----------|--------------------| | 00:39 | Why keeping your numbers low matters (list “skank number”) | | 01:32 | Call for listener participation and intro to “bad in bed” warning signs | | 01:49 | Dancing ability and bedroom skill debate | | 02:41 | Bad kissing as a dealbreaker | | 03:36 | The bravado trap: men who brag about sex | | 04:43 | “Set the bar low” comedic monologue | | 05:43 | Condoms: preparedness and bedroom skill | | 06:42 | Interruption/lack of listening skills | | 06:50 | Mother fixation as a potential issue | | 07:23 | Bad hygiene warning | | 07:56 | Denial of masturbation as a bedroom red flag |

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Conclusion

In classic Bert Show style—fast-paced, irreverent, and high-energy—the team delivers a wildly entertaining rundown of the warning signs that someone may be a disappointing lover. The episode blends pop culture humor with genuine dating wisdom and personal confessions. The overall takeaway? Lower the bar, be honest, and maybe leave the excessive self-congratulation and mom-talk for another day.

Transcript

[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Jeff]

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[Jen]

The bird show.

[Danny]

All right, so it's signs that he's gonna be bad in bed before you even get him in bed. This may be the most important list.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

That we do today or in recent history. Because you don't need to increase your numbers. Right? I mean, ladies don't want to. You gotta keep the numbers low to explain.

[Danny]

So you, because you've explained before that there is a kind of a skank number, a mythical skank number in every woman's mind.

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Everybody's gotta keep it underneath that everybody's different. You just wanna, you wanna keep the numbers down. You don't wanna go all the way there and deal with all of the things or adding a name to the list, you know? Cause we've all got the list and we all know who's exactly on that list. But if these warning signs happen beforehand, then you're saving yourself a number.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

Don't waste your time.

[Danny]

Don't you conveniently like, if it's that bad though, don't you conveniently forget to add it anyway. You're like, it was so bad. I'm not even gonna add that one to my list.

[Jeff]

Yeah, well, only if you don't remember the name, then it doesn't count.

[Danny]

Is that your rule?

[Jen]

I'm just kidding.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

That means it wasn' Memorial.

[Jen]

No number.

[Jeff]

I'm just kidding.

[Danny]

Kind of. Here's how you can save yourself a ton of time. And maybe you guys could call up also maybe even before I do this list. Signs that you know he's going to be bad in bed before you get him in bed. 404,741 Q100. The first one is the most obvious. And that's the one if you can't dance.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

Oh yeah, you hear that all the time.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

I always look for that. If you don't have any kind of like rhythm, if you can't just go one, two to a beat. Then you're not good.

[Jeff]

I don't agree with that, because then you would never date a white guy. Really?

[Danny]

Not all white guys.

[Jen]

That explains why Wendy looks at me like she does when I'm doing the chest pump.

[Jeff]

I know can't dance, so I don't think that that's necessary.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

There's white guys that can dance.

[Jeff]

It's a select few.

[Danny]

Justin Timberlake, probably great in bed.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

He's probably fantastic.

[Jeff]

Probably boring.

[Danny]

He can dance all right.

[Jeff]

Yeah, but see, I would think that Justin Timberlake would be all about himself if the doors were closed just because

[Danny]

he's such a big star.

[Jeff]

Well, yeah. He'd be like, I don't have to impress you. I'm Justin Timberlake. I'm just gonna lay there.

[Danny]

You sound like you've actually slept with Justin.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

I know.

[Jeff]

That's how I would think he would be.

[Danny]

He's a crappy kisser.

[Jeff]

Yes.

[Danny]

If he's a bad kisser, in your book, too much tongue, not enough tongue, excessively bitey, or just not in sync with you, then blah, blah, blah, blah, sex is probably gonna fall flat.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

Also, you don't even get to sex if he's a bad kisser. You just don't see him anymore.

[Jeff]

Yeah, but, ladies. Yeah, if he's a bad kisser, it's not gonna get better.

[Danny]

That's the first game.

[Jen]

That's why when I kiss a girl, I just open my mouth as wide as possible, let her do whatever she wants. Because then it's like, how very trout.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

Like,

[Danny]

you put women in there like a wad of chew before, haven't you?

[Jen]

Well, if they. If they. If they want to climb in. But that way, you know, you can't be bad because you're just, you know, you're giving it to them whatever they want.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

That's sexy. Sexy.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

He just gave us a demonstration. That's nice.

[Danny]

Good morning. Stay back, Danny, you're on Q100. Hi.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

Hi.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Hi.

[Jen]

He's that in bed. If he talks about how good he is in bed.

[Danny]

Yes, I've heard that one before. If he's constantly. Jen. We've worked with each other long enough to where I can tell where Jen has real life experience about something that comes on the air because of the face she makes.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

I mean, she.

[Jen]

Yeah, well, we're talking about sex, so. She's been making that face this entire break.

[Danny]

Like, I'm not gonna ask her who, but immediately somebody came to mind for her.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

All of us have started Looking at Jen just because she does have a reaction every sing one of these.

[Danny]

So if he talks about how great he is, generally not so great.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

But I think that's what. Now Jim's not gonna say anything.

[Jeff]

I think that's with anything, though.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

If somebody brags about being a great, you know, ball player and usually get them out on the field and they're, you know, it's like they have something to prove.

[Jeff]

Exactly. Somebody talks about how much money they have. They don't have money because people who's got money isn't talking about it, not bragging.

[Danny]

Well, I would think when it comes to talking about it too, there's that fine line like you want to. I would like to set the expectation low, but not so low that you're totally turned off to sleep with me. But low enough that if I'm average, you think I'm great.

[Jeff]

Okay, I like your theory on that. Yeah.

[Danny]

Setting the bar low. It's all psychological.

[Jeff]

Okay?

[Danny]

Average equals great.

[Jen]

I'm the most mediocre lover you will ever love.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

Save that.

[Jen]

Save it, save it. Because apparently that gets the women all hot. I ain't great. I'm just really kind of a little bit good.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

And then he opens his mouth

[Unidentified Male Caller]

and

[Danny]

then the trout dance.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

And then there's the trout mouth rape.

[Jen]

Your foreheads hit my fly. Are you ready for slightly below average ladies?

[Danny]

I knew you were.

[Jen]

This ain't gonna be big. It's actually a little on the smaller side.

[Danny]

Save all of that. All of it. Get a load of this.

[Jen]

If you got contacts, you may wanna put em in. So how's that working, you guys? I'm kinda turned on.

[Danny]

Totally turned me on.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

Did you save those 2D glasses from Avatar? You might right now.

[Jen]

How did you know it was glue?

[Danny]

If he isn't carrying. If he is not carrying condoms, he might be bad in bed. If he doesn't have a condom on him, that probably means he's not getting a lot, which could mean he's out of practice or he's off his game. So if he's not carrying condoms, he may be bad in bed or.

[Jen]

And this is. I don't do this now, but in college I used to wear one all the time.

[Danny]

Do you wear one right now?

[Jen]

Yeah. No, back in college, sure. Yeah. Because you never know when the moment's gonna strike. So I would just put that thing on in the morning like it was soc, Which, by the way, I don't

[Unidentified Female Caller]

want to think about these things.

[Jen]

Left foot, right foot, third leg, condom. The tricky part of Those at the end of the day, rolling it back up and putting it in a little sleeve so it doesn't dry out. That is nasty. And then your roommate uses it because you're broke.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

And

[Jen]

dude, why did you use that when it was open? I've worn it.

[Danny]

He always interrupts you. A guy who interrupts doesn't let you finish a complete sentence or doesn't seem to be listening to you at all.

[Jen]

Yeah, seems like a good indication.

[Danny]

Jeff, you're hitting on 5 of 10. They say he's not good in bed if he talks about his mom a lot. There's a fine line between a man who loves and respects his mom and one who reveres her so much that he never shuts up about her. If he has a frame photo on his bedside table of her, he's probably not gonna be good in bed.

[Jeff]

Who does that?

[Unidentified Male Caller]

I don't think any guy has a framed photo of their mama. Next.

[Danny]

Guys that are really, really awful in

[Jeff]

bed on their nightstand.

[Unidentified Male Caller]

I don't think so.

[Jeff]

I've never even heard of that.

[Danny]

This one's obvious. If he smells, says, doesn't matter if it's breath or body odor or funky smelling. If the dude smells in any way, shape or form, he's gonna be bad in bed. You know, cheesy cheesy cheesy beans.

[Jen]

I can't believe you two said that to me. We've been waiting to see for five days. We've actually gotten off the air and Burns called me in the office and dude, I should have called you a cheesy peen at 6:45.

[Danny]

I had the perfect opportunity.

[Jen]

I totally forgot I couldn't think of the second word.

[Danny]

And the last one is he's going to be bad in bed if he says he never takes care of himself. Says it's irrelevant if he's lying or telling the truth. But both indicate a bizarre sexual issue that will take toll on your pleasure. So if he can't confess that he takes care of himself, then bye bye.

[Jeff]

Yeah, that would be weird because I mean, what guy doesn't. Doesn't.

[Unidentified Female Caller]

Yeah, I mean, I, I would. I. That's the same with women. To me. If, if you have an issue with that, then I think you're not going to be as good either.

[Danny]

All right, so what we learned here again, Jeff, is you keep it. Keep the bar set very low.

[Jen]

Yeah, keep it mediocre, guys.

[Danny]

And wear a condom. 24 7.

[Jeff]

Drop mouth and stop talking about your mom.

[Jen]

The Birch Show.