Vault: What are their "in studio" resolutions?

Summary

The Bert Show — Vault: What are their "in-studio" resolutions?

Episode Date: June 4, 2026
Podcast: The Bert Show

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Episode Overview

In this fun, behind-the-scenes episode, The Bert Show team embarks on a lighthearted exploration of “in-studio” New Year's resolutions. Instead of focusing on personal goals, the hosts brainstorm practical (and often absurdly difficult) ways they can be a better team while on-air. The conversation is peppered with laughter, playful banter, and all the authentic chemistry that listeners expect from one of radio’s most entertaining morning crews.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Realities of New Year's Resolutions in General

• Opening thoughts on how typical resolutions often last only a few days or weeks.
  • "New Year's resolutions on average last what, three weeks?" — Bert (00:32)
  • Jeff jokes only "two or three days" is more realistic (00:36).
• Anecdotes about packed gyms and yoga studios in January that quickly return to normal, reflecting the fleeting nature of resolutions.

2. Crafting In-Studio Resolutions

• The group agrees to design resolutions specific to studio life, not personal ones.
  • Bert: "We're gonna try to challenge ourselves with some Birch Show New Year's resolutions ... to make us a better show." (02:14)
• Melissa admits her main motivation is amusement: “Mine was just to see how long it would take us to fail.” (02:35)

a. No Cussing On-Air or Off-Air

• Challenge: See how long the team can go without swearing, even off-air.
• "We have potty mouth. We cuss. And it really is a miracle that we are able to recognize when the red light's on and we're not supposed to cuss." — Melissa (02:49)
• Consensus: Jeff or Abby likely to be the first to break it; Melissa is skeptical they’ll last even a week.

b. No Suggestive Language

• Jen identifies suggestive storytelling as an even tougher habit to break than cussing.
  • "The suggestive language off air, you know, the stories we tell ... that is going to be harder." — Jen (03:40)

c. The Great Paper Wad Ban

• Bert’s mischievous habit of tossing paper wads in the studio becomes a target ("You’ve been trying to put Wendy’s eye out for about the last year and a half." — Jeff, 04:31).
• Team agrees to add “no paper wads” to the resolution list.

d. Punctuality: Getting Back Before Mics Come On

• Jeff and Jen note their difficulty returning from breaks before the mics are live.
  • "I'll be the biggest violator of that. And the cussing, because they go hand in hand." — Jen (06:21)
• Resolution: Be in-studio before mics go live.

e. Starting Meetings On Time

• New rule: All meetings begin promptly at 10:30 am.
• Skepticism quickly emerges that this will last even a week (06:46).

f. Speaking Turns / No Talking Over Each Other

• Jeff floats the idea of raising hands and not interrupting each other, but the team laughs it off as a recipe for a “boring show” (07:17–07:38).

3. Accountability Mechanisms

• Listener Suggestion: Use a “swear jar”—every violation costs a dollar, winner takes all at month’s end (08:01).
  • Jen jokes she’s “too cheap” for such stakes; others riff on escalating the penalties to “100 each time” (08:43).

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On the magic of not cussing on-air:
  "It really is like a light switch going on and off." — Bert (03:11)

• Melissa's skepticism:
  "No way we could get through a week without cussing." — Melissa (04:00)

• On suggestive language:
  "That's going to last two minutes." — Jen (03:54)

• Paper wad battles:
  "It's only fun because Wendy can't throw back. ... She's got zero aim. So it's like a war that I know I can never lose." — Bert (04:38)

• Swear jar proposal:
  "Anyone that violates it put a dollar in the jar. And whoever does not violate it the most at the end of the month, they get what's in the jar." — Caller (08:02)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:32–02:14 — Discussion about broken New Year’s resolutions and gym/yoga anecdotes
• 02:14–03:23 — Defining in-studio resolutions & the cussing challenge
• 03:23–04:11 — Suggestive language resolution
• 04:27–05:27 — Paper wad antics and banning them
• 06:02–06:37 — Studio punctuality challenge
• 06:44–06:55 — Starting post-show meetings on time
• 07:06–07:38 — “Raise your hand”/no interrupting suggestion
• 08:01–08:44 — Swear jar & stakes debate
• 08:47–09:13 — Final summary of the in-studio resolutions

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Final List of "In-Studio" Resolutions (08:47–09:13):

1. No cussing (on-air/off-air during show hours)
2. No suggestive language
3. Start meetings at 10:30 am sharp
4. No throwing paper wads
5. Everyone back in-studio before the mics go live

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Tone & Takeaway

The Bert Show crew’s hallmark humor and rapport shine throughout this episode. There’s a self-aware acknowledgment of how hard it is to change habits—especially when the team’s chemistry thrives on quick wit, playful teasing, and a bit of controlled chaos. The fun lies less in the resolutions themselves and more in the energetic, affectionate skepticism about whether any of them will last beyond Monday morning.

Perfect for: Fans who love inside jokes, listeners curious about the group’s dynamics, and anyone looking for engaging, real-life self-improvement fails with a hearty dose of laughter.

Transcript

[Bluff]

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[Bert]

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[Melissa]

The Birch show so what do they say?

[Bert]

Like New Year's resolutions on average last what, three weeks?

[Jeff]

Oh, not even. I think it's like, yeah, I think it's like two or three days usually. And people break them.

[Bert]

You guys are all stoked to be in the gym, so you go on over to Crunch or whatever and you get your membership, you put your money down and then you go and you work out Monday and you're busting your ass. And I mean, the place is full. Every piece of equipment has people on it. Then by Thursday, the gym is yours.

[Melissa]

There's a little plaza near our house. There's a couple things in there. Among them a Chinese Thai restaurant that Jessica and I love and a yoga studio. So I was on my way over there the other night. You guys want to guess where I was going?

[Jeff]

I'm guessing you weren't going to the hot yoga class.

[Melissa]

No, but I was. So I was on my way over there the other night to pick up some takeaway dinner and the, the parking lot was jammed. Like, jammed. Like I'd never seen it like that. And the only thing I could. And there's never anyone in this little Chinese food restaurant ever. And I'm like, they must be having like their, you know, part, like eat for free, free fried rice or something like. And I go in and still desert it. I couldn't figure it out. And then my walking out with, you know, you know you've ordered too much Chinese food when the two of you get four sets of chopsticks. But I'm walking out with my big plastic bags of Chinese food and I get run over by 30 people, all with their mats, five minutes late for class, packed like that must have been. People must have been farting right on other people's heads in that yoga studio.

[Bert]

Go back in two days and it won't be like that. I know, like, walk in front of the Forum today or the LA Fitness over at Tower Place, take a picture and a place will be packed. And then in a couple of days it's gonna look totally different.

[Jen]

Like a before and after.

[Bert]

Like a before and after diets. Usually, you know, you start them now and within two weeks you're back to the same old thing. It's no different for us also, but we're gonna try to challenge ourselves with some Birch Show New Year's resolutions. These are not our personal ones. These are ones we're gonna try to brainstorm for ourselves to make us a better show and see how long we can actually go with our resolutions.

[Melissa]

Well, that's when I brought it up yesterday. Mine was just to see how long it would take us to fail. Because the original one that I. I

[Bert]

tend to set the bar a little bit higher.

[Melissa]

The one that I originally thought of

[Jen]

last two weeks too. It's not going to take us two weeks to take one show. Yeah.

[Melissa]

The one that I had thought of was that Monday we would start these Monday at 6:00', clock, 5:30 when the show starts. And off the air we have different conversations that we do on the air. And all of us, I think, have pretty. We have potty mouth. We cuss. And it really is a miracle that we are able to recognize when the red light's on and we're not supposed to cuss.

[Bert]

It really is like a light switch going on and off.

[Caller]

It's off, man.

[Jeff]

It's weird.

[Melissa]

We cuss a lot off the air in between the commercial, you know, while commercials are playing or music or whatever.

[Jeff]

It's emphatic, you know, when you're telling a story.

[Jen]

Right.

[Melissa]

So I propose that we kind of, the five of us, make a family resolution Monday starting at 5:30 to see how long we could go without cussing.

[Jeff]

Okay.

[Bert]

I think that one's gonna be a problem. I have to be honest with you, dude.

[Melissa]

By 7:00am, by 6:30.

[Jen]

I think the one that. Because there's one, there's cussing and then there's suggestive language. And I think they can be two different things. I think the suggestive language off air that, you know, the stories we tell 7am that, that is going to be harder.

[Bert]

I agree with.

[Jeff]

That would be harder. Yes, you're right.

[Jen]

That's going to last two minutes. Yeah. That won't let you.

[Jeff]

Cussing. I'm guessing we could get through a week.

[Melissa]

No way.

[Jeff]

I would think a week somebody will mess it up.

[Bert]

Who would be the biggest offender of cussing? Because we're all on a.

[Jeff]

Probably. I think I would be.

[Bert]

Think hobby or you.

[Jeff]

Jeff.

[Jen]

Jeff is the suggestive. You're the suggestive one.

[Bert]

Yeah. I think some. Just a sexual guy or creepy sexual guy?

[Jen]

Creepy sexual dude. That's you, Jeff.

[Melissa]

I'm creatively pervy. Jen's just crass.

[Bert]

I was thinking somebody mentioned the paper wad thing yesterday.

[Jen]

Oh, yeah.

[Jeff]

Oh, that's a good one. Because you have been trying to put Wendy's eye out for about the last year and a half.

[Jen]

He does so I get a new one in the face every day.

[Bert]

It's only fun because Wendy can't throw back.

[Caller]

Dang it.

[Bert]

She has. She can't throw. She's got zero aim. So it's like a war that I know I can never lose.

[Jeff]

See, I think we've got to ban paper wads.

[Melissa]

But here's the deal.

[Jeff]

So it's like a little face.

[Melissa]

Does anybody have a. Does somebody have a pen that works? Because I can't write these down because my pen's not working. But so we have suggestive language.

[Bert]

Is that one of the green pens?

[Melissa]

Yeah. They suck, don't they?

[Bert]

Every single one of them.

[Jeff]

God bless you.

[Melissa]

I'm ten. I'm ten words into it and I can't write a thing.

[Bert]

Yeah, there was. There was 12 of them in here yesterday. I'm gonna call them out too.

[Melissa]

It's Empire tickets.

[Bert]

Empire tickets. They gave us 20 pens and none of them work. But they're pretty.

[Jeff]

It's a recession. They could find pens, they just couldn't put ink in them.

[Bert]

We will thank you for them, though, because we'll use them as a fork. Because we don't have forks around.

[Jeff]

Right.

[Melissa]

Okay, so we have cussing, suggestive language and then no paper wads. Because the way it's gonna go down is people we're gonna forget.

[Jeff]

Yes.

[Melissa]

So what's gonna happen is, Bert, you're gonna tear out a page out of the schedule and not even think and crumple it up and throw it and it's done. It's gonna be 8 o' clock in the morning.

[Jeff]

I've got another one.

[Bert]

Today is gonna be hell for you, I want you to know. Oh.

[Jeff]

Because you're starting out. Oh, it doesn't start today.

[Melissa]

No.

[Caller]

Monday.

[Jen]

I thought I got a break.

[Melissa]

And if we don't, and if we don't remind, if there's not a reminder of this at 5:35 on Monday morning, it'll be over by 6.

[Jeff]

That's true. What about getting back in the studio before the break starts?

[Jen]

Oh, I won't make it

[Jeff]

Depends on how many spots we've got going on. But when we run down to go to the bathroom or get coffee or whatever it is. It's hard to get back in here on time.

[Bert]

Like, three minutes really isn't three minutes. It's more like 30 seconds.

[Jen]

And I'll be the biggest violator of that. And the cussing, because they go hand in hand. Because every time Burt says, hey, Bert's. So back in 60 seconds, that's when you hear an expletive out of my

[Bert]

mouth down the hall.

[Jen]

Cause I'm trying to make it back,

[Jeff]

but I think that should be. What?

[Melissa]

What's that?

[Jeff]

Back in the studio before the mics come on.

[Bert]

Before the mics go on. How about starting the meetings at 10:30? Like, we all have to be in the office at 10:30.

[Jeff]

At 10:30. That's good.

[Melissa]

Well, that's gonna be gone by Monday at 10:30.

[Bert]

Yeah, it could.

[Jeff]

No, we could do it.

[Bert]

I mean, the quicker we get in there, the quicker we can get out of here. That one's gonna be a stretch for me.

[Melissa]

And how are we doing this? Are we reminding each other? So, like, is somebody at 10:20 gonna poke their head in Bert's office or whoever's.

[Jen]

No, we can't do.

[Jeff]

I mean, we can go over the list during the show on Monday, but you gotta remember it.

[Bert]

You don't have to call or email me and say, why don't one of the resolutions be that you say, if you're gonna do something at 6:45, you actually do it?

[Jeff]

I'm not.

[Bert]

I'm not capable of it. That's like asking me to be tall, and I can't do that this year.

[Jeff]

So I was thinking of one where we would all raise our hands and not talk over each other. But there's no way we would even one break without that.

[Bert]

We've tried that before. And then it just becomes like a library in here. Let's really focus on it today. And then I'll say something and look around, and nobody has to.

[Jeff]

Nobody has anything to say.

[Melissa]

Then one person's like,

[Bert]

that's a boring show.

[Jeff]

Is that it?

[Bert]

Does that cover all the ones that we want to? I think so.

[Jen]

I think so.

[Melissa]

What about one where Melissa just doesn't talk? Like, outside of news?

[Jeff]

That's really nice.

[Melissa]

Is that a good one?

[Jeff]

Aren't you glad he's back?

[Jen]

I know you want to call over to corporate. Hey, are you sure?

[Bert]

Recheck the fine print. Good morning, Q100.

[Caller]

Hi, can you hear me?

[Bert]

Yes.

[Caller]

I just want to suggest that what you guys could do to really make this work is to have a jar and anyone that violates it put a dollar in the jar. And whoever does not violate it the most at the end of the month, they get what's in the jar.

[Jen]

I violate that because I'm too cheap. I'm not going to put a dollar in here for them.

[Bert]

Do you have any idea how hard Jeff Dollar has fought for every last

[Melissa]

dollar that I've got?

[Bert]

You are not giving it back.

[Jeff]

I think it's a good idea. I like her idea.

[Jen]

What about like a quarter? A quarter?

[Bert]

We could do Melissa's. More like. How about a peso?

[Melissa]

Hey, I got a new.

[Jen]

How about a paper wad?

[Bert]

Anybody have a lira?

[Melissa]

I got a new contract. How about 100 each time?

[Caller]

Wow.

[Bert]

Okay, here it is.

[Jen]

How about just you?

[Jeff]

That's just a rule for you.

[Bert]

All right, so they are no cussing come Monday morning.

[Melissa]

No suggestive language.

[Bert]

All right? The meetings start at 10:30. We're all in office at 10:30.

[Melissa]

No paper wads.

[Jeff]

No paper wads. And we all get back in studio before the mics come on.

[Melissa]

Okay, now don't do before the mics come on because Burt will. The minute you walk out, he'll just turn the mic on.

[Jeff]

Oh, well, don't do that. But you know what I'm saying at

[Bert]

the end of the commercials. Yeah. Let's see how long we can last. Okay, be done by 7:15 on Monday.

[Melissa]

The Bird Show.

[Bluff]

What's going on, everyone? It's bluff here. And you know what's more American than America's 250th birthday? Supporting American owned companies like Spinquest, America's number one social casino with over a thousand games like Live Dealer, blackjack and craps. They're offering new users a $30 coin package for just $10. Go to spinquest.com and sign up today.

[Bert]

Spinquest is a free to play social

[Bluff]

casino void where prohibited.

[Bert]

Visit spinquest.com for more details.