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Bluff
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Bert
Visit spinquest.com for more details.
Melissa
The Birch show so what do they say?
Bert
Like New Year's resolutions on average last what, three weeks?
Jeff
Oh, not even. I think it's like, yeah, I think it's like two or three days usually. And people break them.
Bert
You guys are all stoked to be in the gym, so you go on over to Crunch or whatever and you get your membership, you put your money down and then you go and you work out Monday and you're busting your ass. And I mean, the place is full. Every piece of equipment has people on it. Then by Thursday, the gym is yours.
Melissa
There's a little plaza near our house. There's a couple things in there. Among them a Chinese Thai restaurant that Jessica and I love and a yoga studio. So I was on my way over there the other night. You guys want to guess where I was going?
Jeff
I'm guessing you weren't going to the hot yoga class.
Melissa
No, but I was. So I was on my way over there the other night to pick up some takeaway dinner and the, the parking lot was jammed. Like, jammed. Like I'd never seen it like that. And the only thing I could. And there's never anyone in this little Chinese food restaurant ever. And I'm like, they must be having like their, you know, part, like eat for free, free fried rice or something like. And I go in and still desert it. I couldn't figure it out. And then my walking out with, you know, you know you've ordered too much Chinese food when the two of you get four sets of chopsticks. But I'm walking out with my big plastic bags of Chinese food and I get run over by 30 people, all with their mats, five minutes late for class, packed like that must have been. People must have been farting right on other people's heads in that yoga studio.
Bert
Go back in two days and it won't be like that. I know, like, walk in front of the Forum today or the LA Fitness over at Tower Place, take a picture and a place will be packed. And then in a couple of days it's gonna look totally different.
Jen
Like a before and after.
Bert
Like a before and after diets. Usually, you know, you start them now and within two weeks you're back to the same old thing. It's no different for us also, but we're gonna try to challenge ourselves with some Birch Show New Year's resolutions. These are not our personal ones. These are ones we're gonna try to brainstorm for ourselves to make us a better show and see how long we can actually go with our resolutions.
Melissa
Well, that's when I brought it up yesterday. Mine was just to see how long it would take us to fail. Because the original one that I. I
Bert
tend to set the bar a little bit higher.
Melissa
The one that I originally thought of
Jen
last two weeks too. It's not going to take us two weeks to take one show. Yeah.
Melissa
The one that I had thought of was that Monday we would start these Monday at 6:00', clock, 5:30 when the show starts. And off the air we have different conversations that we do on the air. And all of us, I think, have pretty. We have potty mouth. We cuss. And it really is a miracle that we are able to recognize when the red light's on and we're not supposed to cuss.
Bert
It really is like a light switch going on and off.
Caller
It's off, man.
Jeff
It's weird.
Melissa
We cuss a lot off the air in between the commercial, you know, while commercials are playing or music or whatever.
Jeff
It's emphatic, you know, when you're telling a story.
Jen
Right.
Melissa
So I propose that we kind of, the five of us, make a family resolution Monday starting at 5:30 to see how long we could go without cussing.
Jeff
Okay.
Bert
I think that one's gonna be a problem. I have to be honest with you, dude.
Melissa
By 7:00am, by 6:30.
Jen
I think the one that. Because there's one, there's cussing and then there's suggestive language. And I think they can be two different things. I think the suggestive language off air that, you know, the stories we tell 7am that, that is going to be harder.
Bert
I agree with.
Jeff
That would be harder. Yes, you're right.
Jen
That's going to last two minutes. Yeah. That won't let you.
Jeff
Cussing. I'm guessing we could get through a week.
Melissa
No way.
Jeff
I would think a week somebody will mess it up.
Bert
Who would be the biggest offender of cussing? Because we're all on a.
Jeff
Probably. I think I would be.
Bert
Think hobby or you.
Jeff
Jeff.
Jen
Jeff is the suggestive. You're the suggestive one.
Bert
Yeah. I think some. Just a sexual guy or creepy sexual guy?
Jen
Creepy sexual dude. That's you, Jeff.
Melissa
I'm creatively pervy. Jen's just crass.
Bert
I was thinking somebody mentioned the paper wad thing yesterday.
Jen
Oh, yeah.
Jeff
Oh, that's a good one. Because you have been trying to put Wendy's eye out for about the last year and a half.
Jen
He does so I get a new one in the face every day.
Bert
It's only fun because Wendy can't throw back.
Caller
Dang it.
Bert
She has. She can't throw. She's got zero aim. So it's like a war that I know I can never lose.
Jeff
See, I think we've got to ban paper wads.
Melissa
But here's the deal.
Jeff
So it's like a little face.
Melissa
Does anybody have a. Does somebody have a pen that works? Because I can't write these down because my pen's not working. But so we have suggestive language.
Bert
Is that one of the green pens?
Melissa
Yeah. They suck, don't they?
Bert
Every single one of them.
Jeff
God bless you.
Melissa
I'm ten. I'm ten words into it and I can't write a thing.
Bert
Yeah, there was. There was 12 of them in here yesterday. I'm gonna call them out too.
Melissa
It's Empire tickets.
Bert
Empire tickets. They gave us 20 pens and none of them work. But they're pretty.
Jeff
It's a recession. They could find pens, they just couldn't put ink in them.
Bert
We will thank you for them, though, because we'll use them as a fork. Because we don't have forks around.
Jeff
Right.
Melissa
Okay, so we have cussing, suggestive language and then no paper wads. Because the way it's gonna go down is people we're gonna forget.
Jeff
Yes.
Melissa
So what's gonna happen is, Bert, you're gonna tear out a page out of the schedule and not even think and crumple it up and throw it and it's done. It's gonna be 8 o' clock in the morning.
Jeff
I've got another one.
Bert
Today is gonna be hell for you, I want you to know. Oh.
Jeff
Because you're starting out. Oh, it doesn't start today.
Melissa
No.
Caller
Monday.
Jen
I thought I got a break.
Melissa
And if we don't, and if we don't remind, if there's not a reminder of this at 5:35 on Monday morning, it'll be over by 6.
Jeff
That's true. What about getting back in the studio before the break starts?
Jen
Oh, I won't make it
Jeff
Depends on how many spots we've got going on. But when we run down to go to the bathroom or get coffee or whatever it is. It's hard to get back in here on time.
Bert
Like, three minutes really isn't three minutes. It's more like 30 seconds.
Jen
And I'll be the biggest violator of that. And the cussing, because they go hand in hand. Because every time Burt says, hey, Bert's. So back in 60 seconds, that's when you hear an expletive out of my
Bert
mouth down the hall.
Jen
Cause I'm trying to make it back,
Jeff
but I think that should be. What?
Melissa
What's that?
Jeff
Back in the studio before the mics come on.
Bert
Before the mics go on. How about starting the meetings at 10:30? Like, we all have to be in the office at 10:30.
Jeff
At 10:30. That's good.
Melissa
Well, that's gonna be gone by Monday at 10:30.
Bert
Yeah, it could.
Jeff
No, we could do it.
Bert
I mean, the quicker we get in there, the quicker we can get out of here. That one's gonna be a stretch for me.
Melissa
And how are we doing this? Are we reminding each other? So, like, is somebody at 10:20 gonna poke their head in Bert's office or whoever's.
Jen
No, we can't do.
Jeff
I mean, we can go over the list during the show on Monday, but you gotta remember it.
Bert
You don't have to call or email me and say, why don't one of the resolutions be that you say, if you're gonna do something at 6:45, you actually do it?
Jeff
I'm not.
Bert
I'm not capable of it. That's like asking me to be tall, and I can't do that this year.
Jeff
So I was thinking of one where we would all raise our hands and not talk over each other. But there's no way we would even one break without that.
Bert
We've tried that before. And then it just becomes like a library in here. Let's really focus on it today. And then I'll say something and look around, and nobody has to.
Jeff
Nobody has anything to say.
Melissa
Then one person's like,
Bert
that's a boring show.
Jeff
Is that it?
Bert
Does that cover all the ones that we want to? I think so.
Jen
I think so.
Melissa
What about one where Melissa just doesn't talk? Like, outside of news?
Jeff
That's really nice.
Melissa
Is that a good one?
Jeff
Aren't you glad he's back?
Jen
I know you want to call over to corporate. Hey, are you sure?
Bert
Recheck the fine print. Good morning, Q100.
Caller
Hi, can you hear me?
Bert
Yes.
Caller
I just want to suggest that what you guys could do to really make this work is to have a jar and anyone that violates it put a dollar in the jar. And whoever does not violate it the most at the end of the month, they get what's in the jar.
Jen
I violate that because I'm too cheap. I'm not going to put a dollar in here for them.
Bert
Do you have any idea how hard Jeff Dollar has fought for every last
Melissa
dollar that I've got?
Bert
You are not giving it back.
Jeff
I think it's a good idea. I like her idea.
Jen
What about like a quarter? A quarter?
Bert
We could do Melissa's. More like. How about a peso?
Melissa
Hey, I got a new.
Jen
How about a paper wad?
Bert
Anybody have a lira?
Melissa
I got a new contract. How about 100 each time?
Caller
Wow.
Bert
Okay, here it is.
Jen
How about just you?
Jeff
That's just a rule for you.
Bert
All right, so they are no cussing come Monday morning.
Melissa
No suggestive language.
Bert
All right? The meetings start at 10:30. We're all in office at 10:30.
Melissa
No paper wads.
Jeff
No paper wads. And we all get back in studio before the mics come on.
Melissa
Okay, now don't do before the mics come on because Burt will. The minute you walk out, he'll just turn the mic on.
Jeff
Oh, well, don't do that. But you know what I'm saying at
Bert
the end of the commercials. Yeah. Let's see how long we can last. Okay, be done by 7:15 on Monday.
Melissa
The Bird Show.
Bluff
What's going on, everyone? It's bluff here. And you know what's more American than America's 250th birthday? Supporting American owned companies like Spinquest, America's number one social casino with over a thousand games like Live Dealer, blackjack and craps. They're offering new users a $30 coin package for just $10. Go to spinquest.com and sign up today.
Bert
Spinquest is a free to play social
Bluff
casino void where prohibited.
Bert
Visit spinquest.com for more details.
Episode Date: June 4, 2026
Podcast: The Bert Show
In this fun, behind-the-scenes episode, The Bert Show team embarks on a lighthearted exploration of “in-studio” New Year's resolutions. Instead of focusing on personal goals, the hosts brainstorm practical (and often absurdly difficult) ways they can be a better team while on-air. The conversation is peppered with laughter, playful banter, and all the authentic chemistry that listeners expect from one of radio’s most entertaining morning crews.
On the magic of not cussing on-air:
"It really is like a light switch going on and off." — Bert (03:11)
Melissa's skepticism:
"No way we could get through a week without cussing." — Melissa (04:00)
On suggestive language:
"That's going to last two minutes." — Jen (03:54)
Paper wad battles:
"It's only fun because Wendy can't throw back. ... She's got zero aim. So it's like a war that I know I can never lose." — Bert (04:38)
Swear jar proposal:
"Anyone that violates it put a dollar in the jar. And whoever does not violate it the most at the end of the month, they get what's in the jar." — Caller (08:02)
The Bert Show crew’s hallmark humor and rapport shine throughout this episode. There’s a self-aware acknowledgment of how hard it is to change habits—especially when the team’s chemistry thrives on quick wit, playful teasing, and a bit of controlled chaos. The fun lies less in the resolutions themselves and more in the energetic, affectionate skepticism about whether any of them will last beyond Monday morning.
Perfect for: Fans who love inside jokes, listeners curious about the group’s dynamics, and anyone looking for engaging, real-life self-improvement fails with a hearty dose of laughter.