Vault: What Did You Do To Get Kicked Out Of Church?

Summary

The Bert Show: Vault - "What Did You Do To Get Kicked Out Of Church?"

Date: December 16, 2025
Podcast: The Bert Show (Pionaire Podcasting)
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & The Bert Show Cast

---

Episode Overview

In this throwback episode, The Bert Show team dives into hilarious and sometimes uncomfortable stories about what it takes to actually get kicked out of church. Listeners recount their own mortifying experiences, prompting a spirited discussion about church dress codes, Southern versus other U.S. church culture, and the tension between tradition, respect, and inclusion. It's a lively, honest conversation full of laughs, relatable moments, and some genuinely thought-provoking debates.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. What Really Gets You Kicked Out of Church?

• Opening Banter: The hosts muse about behaviors that could warrant being kicked out, ranging from showing up drunk to wearing an oversized hat.
  • [01:49] Host 1: "There are only a few things that you could really get kicked out of church for, huh?"
  • Easter and Christmas are pinpointed as especially tense times, with "one-timers" attending.

2. First Caller Story: The Miniskirt Scandal

• Caller Colleen shares her embarrassing experience of being asked to leave church over her outfit.
  • She wore a miniskirt ("two or three inches from my knees, not my rear" [03:39]) and a "decent" top.
  • An usher approached her openly, in front of others, requesting she leave or change clothes.
  • [03:45] Caller 1: "She said I needed to leave... now you can go home and change clothes and come back."
  • Colleen found this humiliating, especially since her boyfriend’s family was present but unaware.

Notable Quotes:

• [04:00] Host 1: "You should be able to wear whatever you want to church because under the eyes of God, just so long as you're there, he's pretty cool about it."
• [04:16] Host 2: "The issue with dressing up is showing respect... you need to be at your best to show God your best."

Hypocrisy and Judgement

• Colleen points out the hypocrisy in some church communities.
  • [05:25] Caller 1: "This is a Baptist church, and the hypocrisy kind of—because I know some of the people...and I know what they do outside the church."
  • Sparks laughter as the hosts joke about passing judgment.

3. Alternative Church Cultures

• Ashley calls in, expressing surprise at the "hypocritical" church and contrasting it with her church's open-door policy for everyone—including strippers and drunks.
  • [06:33] Colleen: "We've had strippers, drunk people, hookers, everything in our church."

Community Reflection

• [06:53] Colleen: "Nobody would ever get kicked out of our church unless they were just blatantly loud and cussing at the preacher during the middle of service..."

4. Dress Code: Southern vs. National Discussion

• Stacy (California native) describes the stricter dress codes after moving to the South, sharing that even as a 12-year-old, she was told to "cover up."

  • [07:35] Colleen: "All the skirts have to be to the knee, all the shirts have to be down... that totally affects a 12-year-old."

• Discussion turns to whether this is a uniquely Southern phenomenon.

  • Hosts and callers debate, with Colleen saying it's more strictly enforced in the South:
    • [08:44] Host 3: "I agree—I think it's a Southern thing."
    • [08:46] Colleen: "It is."

Dress Code and Personal Impact

• [09:15] Colleen: "Like the dress code issue... I never had a problem with it when I was in Catholic school in California or New York...Here in the South, the uniforms had to be an inch above the knee, and if I'm 6ft tall that's impossible."

5. Babies, Noise, and Respect

• Paula shares being publicly asked to leave during her nephew's christening because her 3-month-old was "cooing" and "wiggly," but not crying.
  • Minister pointed her out from the pulpit, causing her to leave in embarrassment.
  • [10:10] Colleen (paraphrasing): "...there must have been 50 people who apologized for his [the minister's] bad behavior."

Memorable Commentary:

• [11:13] Host 2: "That would have made me so mad, because then she didn’t get to see her nephew get christened."
• [11:31] Host 1: "You will never see a mother run quicker than when her child starts crying in church."

6. Balancing Tradition and Inclusion

• Brandy (Southern Catholic caller) pushes back on the idea that all Southern churches are strict, saying her priest doesn't care what people wear.
  • [11:47] Brandy: "My priest is just happy to fill pews on a Sunday morning. He does not care if I come in there in hot pants and a tank top. As long as I am there, he is happy."

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• "I couldn't think of any longer walk of shame than being kicked out of church."
  — Host 1, [02:48]

• "She said I needed to leave...now you can go home and change clothes and come back."
  — Caller 1 (Colleen), [03:39]

• "You should be able to wear whatever you want to church… he’s pretty cool about it."
  — Host 1, [04:00]

• "Church is about going…not to pass judgment and throw stones."
  — Caller 1 (Colleen), [05:38]

• "We've had strippers, drunk people, hookers, everything in our church."
  — Ashley, [06:33]

• "Nobody would ever get kicked out of our church unless they were just blatantly loud..."
  — Ashley/Colleen, [06:53]

• "As long as I am there, he is happy. And if I try to use the excuse my laundry's dirty, he’d be like, 'Well, why don’t you just come in your underwear?'"
  — Brandy, [11:47]

---

Important Segment Timestamps

• Opening & ‘What gets you kicked out?’ Banter: [01:49]–[02:48]
• Caller 1: Miniskirt story: [02:56]–[07:10]
• Ashley & The Church of No Judgement: [07:10]–[07:35]
• Stacy: Dress codes, regional differences: [07:35]–[09:49]
• Paula: Christening & crying baby: [10:03]–[11:45]
• Brandy: A welcoming Southern priest: [11:47]–[12:27]

---

Summary & Tone

The episode mixes humor, honesty, and real talk about judgment, tradition, and what church is supposed to mean. The hosts and callers keep it authentic and personal, unafraid to poke fun at themselves and the institutions they grew up in. At its heart, the conversation is about inclusion and acceptance—why some are turned away, and why others think “come as you are” should be the real rule.

---

For anyone who's ever sweated over what to wear or how loud their baby is at church, these stories and laughs are a comforting reminder: you’re not alone—and, in the eyes of some, just showing up is what counts.

Transcript

[Kim Holderness]

Let's be real. When it comes to your health, authenticity matters. For nearly 30 years, Iherb has quietly built one of the world's leading online wellness destinations. Trusted by millions of customers in 180 countries. At iHerb, every product comes from verified top rated brands, stored, handled and shipped directly from our own climate controlled, state of the art facilities. No third party sellers, no shortcuts. Just the highest standards of quality and transparency from cart to doorstep. That's why more and more people are turning to iHerb where wellness and integrity meet. Visit iHerb.com trusted wellness delivered worldwide. Guys, thanks for helping me carry my Christmas tree.

[Pan Holderness]

Zoe, this thing weighs a ton.

[Colleen]

Drewski, live with your legs, man.

[Pan Holderness]

Santa.

[Colleen]

Santa, did you get my letter?

[Pan Holderness]

He's talking to you, Bridges.

[Colleen]

I'm not.

[Kim Holderness]

Of course he did.

[Pan Holderness]

Right Santa, you know my elf Drew.

[Colleen]

Ski here, he handles the nice list.

[Pan Holderness]

And elf, I'm six' three. What everyone wants is iPhone 17 and at T mobile you can get it on them. That center stage front camera is amazing for group selfies. Right Mrs. Claus?

[Kim Holderness]

I'm Mrs. Claus much younger sister. And AT T mobile there's no trade in needed when you switch. So you can keep your old phone.

[Colleen]

Or give it as a gift.

[Kim Holderness]

And the best part, you can make the switch to T mobile from your phone in just 15 minutes.

[Pan Holderness]

Guys, my side of the tree is slipping. Kimber, the holidays are better. AT T mobile switch in just 15 minutes and get iPhone 17 on us with no trade in needed. And now T mobile is available in U S cellular stores with 3, 4 monthly bill credits for well qualified customers plus tax and $35 vice connection charge credits and imbalance due if you pay off earlier. Cancel financing, remit 256 gigs, 830 eligible board in a new line, $100 plus a month plan without our pay plus taxes and fees required. Check out 15 minutes or less per line. Visit t mobile.com hey, the bird show.

[Host 1]

When you think about it, there are only a few things that you could really get kicked out of church for, huh?

[Host 2]

Yeah, we were talking about off air where maybe a noise violation of some kind of.

[Colleen]

Maybe if you had a big huge.

[Host 2]

Hat, they ask you to move to the back or something if you were blocking everybody's view with your big old Easter hat.

[Host 1]

I mean there's gotta be a case where somebody showed up just completely hammered to church and was either singing too loud or doing something stupid. Kicked you out for that.

[Host 2]

Cause I'm thinking on Easter because it's a day where more People go to church, the one timers, you know, like they only go to church to listen to, you know, Christmas carols and then they go to Easter because their family's forcing them to go.

[Host 1]

The pressure.

[Host 2]

So when you talk about being hammered, I mean, I could totally see there's somebody that parties Saturday night and then rolled in and mom's like, no, you aren't going to.

[Host 3]

How about being hammered at the midnight Christmas mass? Like you go to your Christmas Eve party. Yeah, it's going to midnight mass.

[Host 2]

Yeah. Because on Easter they have sunrise services. So they have usually services about the time of the sunrise. So four, five, six o' clock in the morning.

[Host 1]

But I couldn't think of any longer walk of shame than being kicked out of church. Good morning, Colleen. You're on all the hits q100.

[Caller 1]

Morning guys.

[Host 1]

Good morning.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, it was pretty embarrassing walking out yesterday.

[Host 1]

It happened to you?

[Kim Holderness]

Why?

[Caller 1]

And what was worse was I was with my boyfriend and his family was somewhere in the church and as far as they know, we were still there. But then he and I were asked to leave.

[Host 2]

What happened?

[Host 3]

You guys making out?

[Caller 1]

No, it was because of what I had on. Can you believe this?

[Host 1]

Oh, you're kidding.

[Host 2]

What'd you have on?

[Caller 1]

Well, I mean, it was a miniskirt. I mean, no different than what you would wear to dinner. It wasn't like I was, you know, in a miniskirt that I was going to walk the streets in, but it was a miniskirt. And the top was all right, I thought. And some lady came up to me, she was dressed in a suit, you know, quite conservative. She had on a name tag. So I figured she was somebody important, you know, usher or something. And she said I needed to leave.

[Host 2]

Well, I mean, you have to understand the standards. And when you say your miniskirt is okay, just the word miniskirt in church by itself, I'm not even a part of that church. And I can tell you that's. I mean, because the standards in church are a lot more conservative than just going out to dinner.

[Host 1]

I guess. I have two thoughts. One thought is you should be able to wear whatever you want to church because under the eyes of God, I mean, just so long as you're there, he's pretty cool about it. But the other one is you got a lot of kids and stuff there. So if you're wearing like this low cut top and this miniskirt, you got a whole bunch of kids around. I could see how the church could be sensitive to that.

[Host 2]

And I think, and I think Also, the issue with dressing up, and I agree with what you're saying, but I think the issue of dressing up is showing of respect. Like, it's a respect value, you know, value to go into the church because you are going into God's house and you need to be at your best to show God your best. And I guess that a low cut shirt and a miniskirt is not necessarily being respectful.

[Pan Holderness]

Who.

[Host 1]

Now, you said it was an usher that came up to you. Did she whisper it to you or did she say it to where other people could hear?

[Caller 1]

She said it where other people could hear. I mean, she had this attitude like, you don't belong here because you're not dressed appropriately. She said, now you can go home and change clothes and come back. And I mean, when I say miniskirt, it wasn't, you know, like 2 inches from my rear. It was more like 2 inches from my knees or 3 inches from my knees. It wasn't. It wasn't that bad.

[Kim Holderness]

What?

[Host 1]

Melissa?

[Host 2]

No, I said. But I mean, again, in church, that's. I mean, when you. Yeah. I don't think anybody's gonna ask you to leave for something being two inches above the knee.

[Caller 1]

But here, again, church isn't supposed to be a fashion show. It's like going in.

[Host 2]

I agree with you there.

[Host 3]

It depends on the religion. There are religions where you cannot, like women cannot. Their shoulders have to be covered and their sleeves have to be below the elbow.

[Caller 1]

Well, this is a Baptist church. And the hypocrisy kind of.

[Colleen]

Because I know some of the people.

[Caller 1]

And I know some of what they do outside the church.

[Host 2]

We're getting catty. Kicked me out of church. Let me tell you what she was doing.

[Caller 1]

So, I mean, church is about going. And you're there for the purpose of worshiping God, not to pass judgment and throw stones.

[Host 2]

Did your family say anything to you? Like you said your family was in the church somewhere and probably saw you got kicked out. Did they say anything after the fact?

[Caller 1]

As far as I know. They still don't know if they were.

[Host 1]

In the church and you got booted out. They know. That's great.

[Host 2]

Vaughn, did you see that woman in the room?

[Caller 1]

Yeah, that's true. So, I mean, it's pretty embarrassing overall.

[Host 1]

Hold on one second here. Colleen. Hey, Ashley, you're on all the hits Q100.

[Colleen]

Hey, how are you guys this morning? Hey, I just wanted to know what church these people are going to. How hypocritical.

[Host 2]

Yeah.

[Host 1]

What part of the city were you in? I don't Want to call out your church? I just want to know what part of the city I'm in.

[Colleen]

Douglasville.

[Host 1]

In Douglasville.

[Pan Holderness]

Okay.

[Colleen]

Yeah. I was raised here, actually. And I always wondered what people's problems with were going to church. And now I know. I mean, we've had strippers, drunk people, hookers, everything in our church.

[Host 3]

I want to know the name of your church.

[Colleen]

The church of Cheetah LifePoint Ministries in Douglasville, Georgia.

[Host 1]

And they'll let say. How does that make you feel, Colleen? They'll let anybody in her church. But you got booted out for having a miniskirt that was three inches above your knee.

[Host 3]

Hey, Colleen, I think Ashley just invited you to the church of strippers and hookers.

[Caller 1]

I think that's the place I need to go. Next time then.

[Colleen]

We were always taught to love anyone who comes in our church, no matter what. And nobody would ever get kicked out of our church unless they were just blatantly loud and cussing at the preacher during the middle of service, you know, and even then he would be asked to go and speak with someone else. Not just to leave.

[Host 1]

Colleen, how does this work? They come up to you and they say something to you and then they escort you out, or you just have to get up with your boyfriend and walk out yourself.

[Caller 1]

We had to get up and walk out on our own. But she made sure. She stood there to make sure that we weren't coming back in. Or I mean, her eyes. You could feel her eyes on my back the entire time.

[Kim Holderness]

Whoa.

[Pan Holderness]

Embarrassing.

[Host 3]

Because there's no shirt between her eyes and your back, so you can feel the burn even more.

[Host 1]

Hey, Stacy, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Colleen]

Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry. I'm just listening to this. It's so wrong that she asked you to leave. I'm from California and like what people wore was never a discussion. Once I moved down here to the south, all the skirts have to be to the knee, all the shirts have to be down. I was like 12 years old and I'm like 6ft at 12 and I'm like, you know, definitely not a young looking kind of girl. And they actually asked me to like cover up that like totally affects a 12 year old. And I gotta be honest, that's because you guys live here in the South. And I guess I do too now. But that's what you're dealing with. Cause church is for everyone.

[Host 3]

Not a bad thing.

[Colleen]

No, but like, church is for everyone. Like yesterday I was at church and there was a guy totally Drunk sitting there, but like he's there, so what's it matter?

[Host 3]

Well, how's he dressed?

[Host 1]

Yeah. Did he have a mini skirt on?

[Caller 1]

Well, Melissa, if you're not like fitting.

[Colleen]

That little standard of like, you know, the big hat and the skirt and the dress that come down your knee, then like they want you to leave, it's horrible.

[Host 2]

Well, I mean, first of all, I don't think it's just a southern thing.

[Caller 1]

It's mostly is.

[Colleen]

I've lived in New York, I've lived in Jersey, I've lived in California.

[Host 2]

There's no other conservative churches in the country.

[Colleen]

But in the south about COVID up. It's horrible.

[Host 3]

I think it's. I agree. I think it's a southern thing.

[Colleen]

It is.

[Host 2]

So many sports and Catholic churches in the Northeast would be allowed are more tolerated than that.

[Colleen]

Very much more so.

[Host 2]

And secondly, I also wanted to say that drawing a broad brush brush along all churches because these are. Yes, most churches are conservative like that, but there are churches in Atlanta that would not be this anal about. So you can't say churches in the south or, you know, this is this one church this person got kicked out of. I'm sure there's others, but there are plenty of churches in town that will let you wear whatever you want to wear.

[Colleen]

But I'm saying that like the dress code issue, I mean, I went to a Christian school here in Georgia and I never had a problem with it when I was in Catholic school in California or New York. And even though we wore uniforms at all these schools, like the dress, the uniforms had to be down to like an inch above the knee here in the south where if I'm 6ft tall, that's like impossible.

[Host 2]

Well, speaking of strippers, there's a lot of strippers that do wear the Catholic school uniforms too. So that's good.

[Colleen]

It's more of a southern thing. The dress code issue in general, like they definitely cover up and it's like a. I don't know, it's like sin to show your shoulders. It's horrible.

[Host 1]

That's because the devil is running California.

[Pan Holderness]

Good morning.

[Host 1]

All the hits Q100. Hello, Lisa.

[Host 2]

Hello.

[Host 1]

Good morning.

[Colleen]

Good morning.

[Host 2]

Hi.

[Host 1]

Who's this?

[Colleen]

This is Paula.

[Host 1]

Hey, Paula.

[Caller 1]

Hello.

[Colleen]

My three month old daughter and I got kicked out of my nephew's christening service.

[Host 2]

Oh no.

[Host 1]

What did she do?

[Colleen]

Well, you know, I mean, I'm from a Catholic church, so we have like a cry room in the back for babies that are fussing and you know, we were the guests of honor. We were on the very first row of the church. And she wasn't crying. She just was in that, you know, kind of co. Baby wiggly stage. So during the sermon, I had walked to the back and kind of jostled her and played with her and such. And then when it came time for the actual christening, I went back and joined the family. And she was still, you know, kind of cooing and smiling and laughing, and she was not crying or in any way screaming. And the minister from the pulpit, just as they were about to christen, my nephew turned to me and says, you need to take her out. And I looked at it, and he pointed to this little side door, and I looked at him, and I looked at the door, and I picked her up, and I picked up all of our stuff, and I made a. Took a good long time about it. And I walked right down the center of the aisle. And as the church let out, I stood there at the door right next to the minister where he was greeting everyone. And I am not kidding you. There must have been 50 people who apologized for his bad behavior.

[Host 2]

Wow.

[Host 1]

Called out in your own church, man.

[Host 2]

That would have made me so mad, because then she didn't get to see her nephew get christened.

[Host 1]

Yeah.

[Host 2]

But I do like the way that she. When she started the story. Well, how old was the child? I forgot. Three months. Three months. I love how she introduced the child first. My three month old. And I like, you know, she's still kind of like, it's my three months old.

[Host 1]

Well, there is. You will never see a mother run quicker than when her child starts crying in church. Man, that's happened with Hayden. I mean, as soon as he starts making a noise, Stacey is bam.

[Host 2]

Out of the responsible mother. There have been plenty of mothers in church that did not take their child out.

[Host 1]

Hey, Brandy, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Colleen]

Hey, I wanted to talk about that lady a few minutes ago who said it's a southern thing. It really kind of ticked me off because I am southern and I am catholic. And I'm gonna tell you something. My priest is just happy to fill pews on a Sunday morning. He does not care if I come in there in hot pants and a tank top. As long as I am there, he is happy. And if I don't show up, if I try to use the excuse my laundry's dirty, he'd be like, well, why don't you just come in your underwear? I mean, he does not care.

[Host 1]

Hey, Colleen, did you hear that?

[Caller 1]

I like that one.

[Host 1]

Maybe we need to get you her phone number so you can go to her church where. That's all right.

[Colleen]

I think, you know, if you own.

[Host 3]

Any hot pants, that is, you know.

[Host 2]

Yeah. All right.

[Host 1]

Thank you for calling.

[Colleen]

No problem.

[Host 1]

Bye bye.

[Pan Holderness]

Hey, the bird Show.

[Kim Holderness]

Boost Mobile is now sending experts nationwide.

[Pan Holderness]

To deliver and set up customers new phones. Wait, we're going on tour?

[Kim Holderness]

We're delivering and setting up customers phones.

[Pan Holderness]

It's not a tour.

[Host 1]

Not with that attitude.

[Colleen]

Introducing store to door. Switch and get a new device with.

[Pan Holderness]

Expert setup and delivery. Delivery available for select devices [e-mail] here's how to stay alive longer so you can enjoy Boost Mobile's unlimited plan with a price that never goes up. Do not mistake a wasp nest for a pinata. Stay alive and switch now at boost mobile. After 30 gigs, customers may experience lower speeds. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost Mobile unlimited plan.

[Kim Holderness]

Hi, this is Kim and Pan Holderness from Laugh Lines and today we want to talk to you about Boost Mobile.

[Pan Holderness]

Yeah, you know, the holidays are full of joy, aren't they? But let's be honest, a little chaos too. Between family gatherings, travel and all the shopping, it's easy to forget yourself in.

[Kim Holderness]

The M Mobile helps make things simple with a $25 unlimited plan giving you unlimited talk, text and data for just $25 a month. No trade ins, no contracts, no stress. Just straightforward savings that keep your wallet feeling very merry and bright.

[Pan Holderness]

Yeah, because the holidays are about connecting with the people you love. And Boost Mobile makes that part pretty easy.

[Kim Holderness]

Visit boostmobile.com to start saving.

[Pan Holderness]

After 30 gigabytes, customers may experience lower speeds. Customers will pay $25 per month as long as they remain active on the Boost Unlimited plan.