The Bert Show: Vault - "What Did You Do To Get Kicked Out Of Church?"

Date: December 16, 2025
Podcast: The Bert Show (Pionaire Podcasting)
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & The Bert Show Cast

Episode Overview

In this throwback episode, The Bert Show team dives into hilarious and sometimes uncomfortable stories about what it takes to actually get kicked out of church. Listeners recount their own mortifying experiences, prompting a spirited discussion about church dress codes, Southern versus other U.S. church culture, and the tension between tradition, respect, and inclusion. It's a lively, honest conversation full of laughs, relatable moments, and some genuinely thought-provoking debates.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. What Really Gets You Kicked Out of Church?

• Opening Banter: The hosts muse about behaviors that could warrant being kicked out, ranging from showing up drunk to wearing an oversized hat.
  • [01:49] Host 1: "There are only a few things that you could really get kicked out of church for, huh?"
  • Easter and Christmas are pinpointed as especially tense times, with "one-timers" attending.

2. First Caller Story: The Miniskirt Scandal

• Caller Colleen shares her embarrassing experience of being asked to leave church over her outfit.
  • She wore a miniskirt ("two or three inches from my knees, not my rear" [03:39]) and a "decent" top.
  • An usher approached her openly, in front of others, requesting she leave or change clothes.
  • [03:45] Caller 1: "She said I needed to leave... now you can go home and change clothes and come back."
  • Colleen found this humiliating, especially since her boyfriend’s family was present but unaware.

Notable Quotes:

• [04:00] Host 1: "You should be able to wear whatever you want to church because under the eyes of God, just so long as you're there, he's pretty cool about it."
• [04:16] Host 2: "The issue with dressing up is showing respect... you need to be at your best to show God your best."

Hypocrisy and Judgement

• Colleen points out the hypocrisy in some church communities.
  • [05:25] Caller 1: "This is a Baptist church, and the hypocrisy kind of—because I know some of the people...and I know what they do outside the church."
  • Sparks laughter as the hosts joke about passing judgment.

3. Alternative Church Cultures

• Ashley calls in, expressing surprise at the "hypocritical" church and contrasting it with her church's open-door policy for everyone—including strippers and drunks.
  • [06:33] Colleen: "We've had strippers, drunk people, hookers, everything in our church."

Community Reflection

• [06:53] Colleen: "Nobody would ever get kicked out of our church unless they were just blatantly loud and cussing at the preacher during the middle of service..."

4. Dress Code: Southern vs. National Discussion

• Stacy (California native) describes the stricter dress codes after moving to the South, sharing that even as a 12-year-old, she was told to "cover up."

  • [07:35] Colleen: "All the skirts have to be to the knee, all the shirts have to be down... that totally affects a 12-year-old."

• Discussion turns to whether this is a uniquely Southern phenomenon.

  • Hosts and callers debate, with Colleen saying it's more strictly enforced in the South:
    • [08:44] Host 3: "I agree—I think it's a Southern thing."
    • [08:46] Colleen: "It is."

Dress Code and Personal Impact

• [09:15] Colleen: "Like the dress code issue... I never had a problem with it when I was in Catholic school in California or New York...Here in the South, the uniforms had to be an inch above the knee, and if I'm 6ft tall that's impossible."

5. Babies, Noise, and Respect

• Paula shares being publicly asked to leave during her nephew's christening because her 3-month-old was "cooing" and "wiggly," but not crying.
  • Minister pointed her out from the pulpit, causing her to leave in embarrassment.
  • [10:10] Colleen (paraphrasing): "...there must have been 50 people who apologized for his [the minister's] bad behavior."

Memorable Commentary:

• [11:13] Host 2: "That would have made me so mad, because then she didn’t get to see her nephew get christened."
• [11:31] Host 1: "You will never see a mother run quicker than when her child starts crying in church."

6. Balancing Tradition and Inclusion

• Brandy (Southern Catholic caller) pushes back on the idea that all Southern churches are strict, saying her priest doesn't care what people wear.
  • [11:47] Brandy: "My priest is just happy to fill pews on a Sunday morning. He does not care if I come in there in hot pants and a tank top. As long as I am there, he is happy."

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• "I couldn't think of any longer walk of shame than being kicked out of church."
  — Host 1, [02:48]

• "She said I needed to leave...now you can go home and change clothes and come back."
  — Caller 1 (Colleen), [03:39]

• "You should be able to wear whatever you want to church… he’s pretty cool about it."
  — Host 1, [04:00]

• "Church is about going…not to pass judgment and throw stones."
  — Caller 1 (Colleen), [05:38]

• "We've had strippers, drunk people, hookers, everything in our church."
  — Ashley, [06:33]

• "Nobody would ever get kicked out of our church unless they were just blatantly loud..."
  — Ashley/Colleen, [06:53]

• "As long as I am there, he is happy. And if I try to use the excuse my laundry's dirty, he’d be like, 'Well, why don’t you just come in your underwear?'"
  — Brandy, [11:47]

Important Segment Timestamps

• Opening & ‘What gets you kicked out?’ Banter: [01:49]–[02:48]
• Caller 1: Miniskirt story: [02:56]–[07:10]
• Ashley & The Church of No Judgement: [07:10]–[07:35]
• Stacy: Dress codes, regional differences: [07:35]–[09:49]
• Paula: Christening & crying baby: [10:03]–[11:45]
• Brandy: A welcoming Southern priest: [11:47]–[12:27]

Summary & Tone

The episode mixes humor, honesty, and real talk about judgment, tradition, and what church is supposed to mean. The hosts and callers keep it authentic and personal, unafraid to poke fun at themselves and the institutions they grew up in. At its heart, the conversation is about inclusion and acceptance—why some are turned away, and why others think “come as you are” should be the real rule.

For anyone who's ever sweated over what to wear or how loud their baby is at church, these stories and laughs are a comforting reminder: you’re not alone—and, in the eyes of some, just showing up is what counts.