Vault: What Did Your Ex Hold Ransom?

Summary

The Bert Show – “Vault: What Did Your Ex Hold Ransom?”

Date: December 8, 2025
Podcast Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Main Cast: Bert, Erica, Zoe, Melissa
Summary prepared by Podcast Summarizer AI

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Episode Overview

In this lively and authentic episode, The Bert Show crew dives into real-life breakup drama, asking callers: What did your ex hold ransom to keep you in a relationship? Listeners share wild and awkward tales, from boats and dogs to dramatic international disappearances. The hosts riff with their signature humor, provide perspective, and offer tongue-in-cheek advice while bonding over the ridiculous things people try to use as leverage post-breakup.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Kicking Off: Listeners Share “Ransom” Stories

• Bert introduces the day’s theme by soliciting stories of exes holding prized possessions hostage to manipulate or prolong relationships. [02:05]

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2. Caller: Penny – The $47,000 Boat Ultimatum

• Situation: Penny shares her ex-wife is holding their jointly purchased $47,000 boat hostage on Lake Allatoona, refusing to reveal its location unless Penny goes to dinner with her—even four years after their breakup.
• Humor: Bert quips it’s like “leaving you pictures of her on the boat…‘Here’s where we are now, you’ll never see this boat again.’” [02:41]
• Quote:
  • Bert: “That’s serious ransom.” [02:41]
• Penny adds the relationship was bad anyway, and the loss of the boat isn’t the devastating blow it might seem.

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3. Bette Midler, Gay Icons, and Musical Taste

• The Bette Midler tangent pops up as Penny mentions seeing her in concert. This leads to playful banter about divas, gay icons, and personal preferences in music.
• Notable Quotes:
  • Melissa: “Can I say kick ass?” [03:14]
  • Bert: “If Barbra Streisand and Celine Dion had a child, it would be Bette Midler.” [03:25]
  • Erica: “It’s a talent thing for me. A lot of gay people there.” [03:36]
• Tone: Lighthearted and cheeky, sticking to the show’s trademark candor.

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4. Caller: Melissa – The “I’ll Leave the Country” Gambit

• Situation: Melissa recounts how her ex-boyfriend, after a two-year relationship, threatened to leave the country if she wouldn’t take him back. He then faked leaving only to show up at her door ten minutes after chatting online.
• Comic Disbelief:
  • Bert: “This dude is pathetic.” [05:59]
  • Erica: “It’s amazing how fast people lose their cool when they get dumped.” [05:46]
• Escalation: Days later, the same ex proposes marriage, and Melissa recounts her amusement and irritation at the transparent manipulation.
• Discussion: The hosts riff on “friend zones” and how men often can’t handle true platonic relationships post-breakup.
• Quotes:
  • Bert: “Let me tell you about the two kinds of friends that guys have: they have sex partners, and potential sex partners…” [06:23]

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5. Caller Story: The Ransomed Dog

• Situation: Another caller describes her cousin’s ex-girlfriend taking their beloved dog out of spite, intending to use it as leverage. Ironically, the ex buys her own replacement dog, leaving the original pooch with the cousin.
• Sympathy for the Dog:
  • Bert: “You hear this in marriages that break up…like, they’ll keep the dog just to be spiteful.” [07:00]
  • Bert (joking): “It’s probably like one of those poodles that he has no business being seen with in public.” [07:28]

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6. Advice Segment: Outfoxing the Ex with the Show Ticket

• John calls, suggesting a clever move: have the caller bring a new date to a show where her ex is holding tickets “hostage.”
• Hosts’ Take:
  • Zoe: “There’s no way faster to get through to an ex than to show up with your own date.” [07:47]
  • Erica: “Is that fair to the new date though? … My suggestion is to have a friend pick up the ticket instead.” [07:52]
  • Melissa: “[Bringing a date] doesn’t have the same sting…she needs to go on the offensive.” [08:11]
• Bert’s tongue-in-cheek alternative: “She could stay home and carve things into her skin instead of going to see Batman.” [08:23]

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• Bert: “That’s serious ransom.” — on the $47,000 boat [02:41]
• Melissa: “Can I say kick ass?” — on her Bette Midler concert [03:14]
• Bert: “If Barbra Streisand and Celine Dion had a child, it would be Bette Midler.” [03:25]
• Bert: “This dude is pathetic.” — on the manipulative, proposal-happy ex [05:59]
• Erica: “It’s amazing how fast people lose their cool when they get dumped.” [05:46]
• Bert: “Let me tell you about the two kinds of friends that guys have: they have sex partners and potential sex partners…” [06:23]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment Description | |-----------|--------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:05 | Introduction of core topic: Exes holding things ransom | | 02:15 | Penny’s story: $47k boat withheld by ex-wife | | 03:11 | Bette Midler segment, gay icons, and playful musical debate | | 04:01 | Melissa’s story: Ex threatens to leave country, fakes departure, proposes | | 06:00 | Discussion about friend-zoning and post-breakup boundaries | | 06:41 | Ransomed dog anecdote | | 07:32 | Call-in about beating an ex at their own game with event tickets | | 08:11 | Debate on using a new date to “win” against an ex |

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Overall Episode Tone & Experience

Filled with witty banter, honest commentary, and offbeat relationship wisdom, The Bert Show crew delivers an engaging and relatable morning show. This episode showcases not just wild ex stories but the humor and camaraderie that makes listeners feel like part of the “cast”—no matter how dire or absurd the breakup drama. The vibe is bright, tongue-in-cheek, and endearingly real throughout.

Transcript

[Zoe]

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[Bert]

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[Bert]

So we're asking you what has your ex boyfriend kind of held for ransom in order to keep the relationship going? Good morning, Penny. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[Melissa]

It wasn't. It wasn't an ex boyfriend. It was my ex wife. Yes. We had a commitment ceremony. We bought a. We purchased a boat together, and it was a $47,000 boat, and it's somewhere up in Lake Allatoona. And she told me that if I don't go back out with her and have dinner with her after four years, that. Yeah. That I can just. I'll never find the boat.

[Bert]

Yeah, that's. That's serious ransom. That's like leaving you, like, pictures of her on the boat and all these different lakes going, here's where we are now. You'll never see this boat again. See me again.

[Melissa]

It was a bad relationship anyways.

[Erica]

But of course, because now it's over.

[Melissa]

Melissa, I want to tell you, I flew all the way to. To New York to see Bette Miller. Oh, she was awesome.

[Erica]

I can't wait.

[Melissa]

Awesome concert. And Bert. Don't say that. It's that, you know, the old stuff. No, she. She's a. She's kick.

[Erica]

Let me tell you.

[Bert]

She's kick.

[Erica]

Let me tell you what Bert said.

[Melissa]

Can I say kick ass.

[Bert]

Oh, yeah.

[Erica]

Let me tell you what Bert said. Off air. He gave. He put her just one step above. Just one step above Celine Dion.

[Bert]

Somewhere wedged between.

[Zoe]

If.

[Bert]

If Barbra Streisand and Celine Dion had a child, it would be Bette Midler.

[Erica]

Than both of them.

[Bert]

Sorry, I just don't see it. Is the bat middle draw a gay thing?

[Erica]

No, I mean, I. It's a talent thing for me if. A lot of gay people there. A lot of gay people are there.

[Bert]

But I mean, does she have the same following that Cher does in the gay community?

[Erica]

I'll find out Sunday night.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Melissa]

I think she does. Yeah. All right, guys. You take care.

[Bert]

You too.

[Melissa]

All right. Bye. Bye.

[Bert]

Bye. Bye. Hey, Melissa, if you can find this woman's ex girlfriend or wife or whatever and get yourself a boat, she'll sell it to you. Chief. I'm just throwing it out there. Morning, Erica. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[Melissa]

Well, I just recently broke it off with an ex boyfriend of mine, two years, and he has decided that if he can't be with me, then he's gonna leave the country.

[Erica]

Okay.

[Melissa]

And just.

[Bert]

Totally. Yeah. So what do you have to lose.

[Melissa]

Yeah, that's bad news because.

Well, I guess, you know, now I have the reputation of having someone leave the country, not come back.

[Bert]

Oh, I think that's bragging rights more than anything else. He was so in love with me. He could not only be in the same city, the same state, this man had to flee the country.

[Erica]

Oh, if somebody was upset over me and left Atlanta, I mean, come on, am I going to be upset?

[Bert]

That's a bad negotiation on the guy's part. He wasn't thinking very well there. You don't get back with me, I'm going to. I am going to move as far away from you as possible.

[Melissa]

Okay, well, he pretended that he left four days ago. I'm talking to him online. Ten minutes later, walks through my front door.

[Erica]

Oh, no.

[Melissa]

He pretended he left to say, well, maybe, you know, she's going to come back to me, all this kind of stuff. Well, no, no, no. He's really leaving tomorrow.

[Bert]

Oh, my God.

[Melissa]

For real leaving tomorrow?

[Bert]

Let me get this whole thing straight. You and he break up, he makes the stupid negotiation of threatening you that because the breakup was so bad that if you don't get back together, he's gonna move really far away from you. And then when you say, I'm sorry, it's just not gonna work out. He thinks somehow that if he's talking to you online that you're gonna come around and he walks through your door thinking you've changed your mind in four days.

[Melissa]

Well, yeah. He expected me to be, like, fall into his arms, like, oh, God, you know, thank God you're here and you didn't leave. You know, Something like that.

[Erica]

It's amazing how fast people lose their cool when they get dumped. You know, it's just amazing how they think that. Yeah. That in four days, all of a sudden, she's gonna come to her senses and decide she wants to be with him the rest of her life.

[Bert]

This dude is pathetic.

[Melissa]

Oh, no, no, no. I got proposed to two days ago.

[Bert]

Same dude.

[Melissa]

Yeah. I decided, you know, he came back. Okay. You know, we can. We can do this. We can, you know, go see a movie, hang out, you know, just as friends. No, no, no, no, no. We get back and I'm trying to leave because I figured, okay, that's it, you know, gotta go home. Gotta, gotta, you know, calm down. And he's proposing to me.

[Bert]

Let me tell you about the two kinds of friends that guys have. They have sex partners and potential sex partners, so there's no just being friends with him.

[Erica]

Yeah, that's a whole other topic.

[Bert]

Wow, it really is. All right, thank you for calling.

[Melissa]

Thank you.

[Bert]

Bye. Bye. Morning. All the hits.

[Erica]

What I was gonna say, since this topic is ransom. Now, if he had taken something of hers outside of the country with them, that would have been smarter for her to contact him. But he didn't even do that.

[Bert]

Morning.

[Melissa]

My cousin and his girlfriend broke up and she had this dog that she just. The dog loved her and she loved the dog. So out of vengeance and trying to keep her, he thought he'd take the dog and hold it.

[Bert]

Yeah, you hear this kind of like in marriages all the time that break up. Like in the divorce papers in the settlement. Like he'll keep the dog or she'll keep the dog that, that she knows that he loves so much just to be spiteful. All about it.

[Melissa]

Well, then he tried to give her back the dog at the time and she went and bought another dog. So he got stuck with the dog.

[Bert]

Serves him right.

[Erica]

It was probably like one of those.

[Bert]

Poodles that's, you know.

It'S a dog that he has no business being seen in public.

[Zoe]

Right.

[Bert]

Good morning, John.

[Melissa]

Hey, I got solution for your friend with a ticket.

[Zoe]

Okay.

[Bert]

Why doesn't.

[Melissa]

Why don't you have her meet her ex for a light bite before the show, but bring her own date with her.

[Bert]

Oh.

That'S good.

[Melissa]

There is no way faster to get through to an ex than to show up with your own date.

[Erica]

Yeah, but is that. Yeah, that's true. But is that fair to the new date though? Like the new dad has to sit there in between the two. Like my suggestion was for her to have meet up, you know, set a meeting with him, but have somebody else show up and get the ticket. Like a friend or something. Show up without her to get the tickets. Cause I don't know, I mean, it's.

[Melissa]

Not a date though. It doesn't have the same sting. And you know, she needs to go on the offensive instead of being defensive about it. You know, that's the only way to get rid of some of these people.

[Bert]

She could do. She could do the smart thing and stay home and carve things into her skin instead of going to see Batman.

All right, Jon. See you later, man.

[Zoe]

Show.

[Bert]

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