The Bert Show – “Vault: What Did Your Ex Hold Ransom?”

Date: December 8, 2025
Podcast Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Main Cast: Bert, Erica, Zoe, Melissa
Summary prepared by Podcast Summarizer AI

Episode Overview

In this lively and authentic episode, The Bert Show crew dives into real-life breakup drama, asking callers: What did your ex hold ransom to keep you in a relationship? Listeners share wild and awkward tales, from boats and dogs to dramatic international disappearances. The hosts riff with their signature humor, provide perspective, and offer tongue-in-cheek advice while bonding over the ridiculous things people try to use as leverage post-breakup.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Kicking Off: Listeners Share “Ransom” Stories

• Bert introduces the day’s theme by soliciting stories of exes holding prized possessions hostage to manipulate or prolong relationships. [02:05]

2. Caller: Penny – The $47,000 Boat Ultimatum

• Situation: Penny shares her ex-wife is holding their jointly purchased $47,000 boat hostage on Lake Allatoona, refusing to reveal its location unless Penny goes to dinner with her—even four years after their breakup.
• Humor: Bert quips it’s like “leaving you pictures of her on the boat…‘Here’s where we are now, you’ll never see this boat again.’” [02:41]
• Quote:
  • Bert: “That’s serious ransom.” [02:41]
• Penny adds the relationship was bad anyway, and the loss of the boat isn’t the devastating blow it might seem.

3. Bette Midler, Gay Icons, and Musical Taste

• The Bette Midler tangent pops up as Penny mentions seeing her in concert. This leads to playful banter about divas, gay icons, and personal preferences in music.
• Notable Quotes:
  • Melissa: “Can I say kick ass?” [03:14]
  • Bert: “If Barbra Streisand and Celine Dion had a child, it would be Bette Midler.” [03:25]
  • Erica: “It’s a talent thing for me. A lot of gay people there.” [03:36]
• Tone: Lighthearted and cheeky, sticking to the show’s trademark candor.

4. Caller: Melissa – The “I’ll Leave the Country” Gambit

• Situation: Melissa recounts how her ex-boyfriend, after a two-year relationship, threatened to leave the country if she wouldn’t take him back. He then faked leaving only to show up at her door ten minutes after chatting online.
• Comic Disbelief:
  • Bert: “This dude is pathetic.” [05:59]
  • Erica: “It’s amazing how fast people lose their cool when they get dumped.” [05:46]
• Escalation: Days later, the same ex proposes marriage, and Melissa recounts her amusement and irritation at the transparent manipulation.
• Discussion: The hosts riff on “friend zones” and how men often can’t handle true platonic relationships post-breakup.
• Quotes:
  • Bert: “Let me tell you about the two kinds of friends that guys have: they have sex partners, and potential sex partners…” [06:23]

5. Caller Story: The Ransomed Dog

• Situation: Another caller describes her cousin’s ex-girlfriend taking their beloved dog out of spite, intending to use it as leverage. Ironically, the ex buys her own replacement dog, leaving the original pooch with the cousin.
• Sympathy for the Dog:
  • Bert: “You hear this in marriages that break up…like, they’ll keep the dog just to be spiteful.” [07:00]
  • Bert (joking): “It’s probably like one of those poodles that he has no business being seen with in public.” [07:28]

6. Advice Segment: Outfoxing the Ex with the Show Ticket

• John calls, suggesting a clever move: have the caller bring a new date to a show where her ex is holding tickets “hostage.”
• Hosts’ Take:
  • Zoe: “There’s no way faster to get through to an ex than to show up with your own date.” [07:47]
  • Erica: “Is that fair to the new date though? … My suggestion is to have a friend pick up the ticket instead.” [07:52]
  • Melissa: “[Bringing a date] doesn’t have the same sting…she needs to go on the offensive.” [08:11]
• Bert’s tongue-in-cheek alternative: “She could stay home and carve things into her skin instead of going to see Batman.” [08:23]

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• Bert: “That’s serious ransom.” — on the $47,000 boat [02:41]
• Melissa: “Can I say kick ass?” — on her Bette Midler concert [03:14]
• Bert: “If Barbra Streisand and Celine Dion had a child, it would be Bette Midler.” [03:25]
• Bert: “This dude is pathetic.” — on the manipulative, proposal-happy ex [05:59]
• Erica: “It’s amazing how fast people lose their cool when they get dumped.” [05:46]
• Bert: “Let me tell you about the two kinds of friends that guys have: they have sex partners and potential sex partners…” [06:23]

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment Description | |-----------|--------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:05 | Introduction of core topic: Exes holding things ransom | | 02:15 | Penny’s story: $47k boat withheld by ex-wife | | 03:11 | Bette Midler segment, gay icons, and playful musical debate | | 04:01 | Melissa’s story: Ex threatens to leave country, fakes departure, proposes | | 06:00 | Discussion about friend-zoning and post-breakup boundaries | | 06:41 | Ransomed dog anecdote | | 07:32 | Call-in about beating an ex at their own game with event tickets | | 08:11 | Debate on using a new date to “win” against an ex |

Overall Episode Tone & Experience

Filled with witty banter, honest commentary, and offbeat relationship wisdom, The Bert Show crew delivers an engaging and relatable morning show. This episode showcases not just wild ex stories but the humor and camaraderie that makes listeners feel like part of the “cast”—no matter how dire or absurd the breakup drama. The vibe is bright, tongue-in-cheek, and endearingly real throughout.