Vault: What Do You Do If Your Coworker Is Living At The Office?

Summary

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The Bert Show: “Vault: What Do You Do If Your Coworker Is Living At The Office?”

Episode Date: April 9, 2026

Main Theme

This episode dives into everyday office mysteries and the natural human urge for gossip and curiosity about other people's lives. The Bert Show cast kicks off a segment where listeners bring in "nosy" questions or inexplicable situations involving coworkers, neighbors, or acquaintances. The team and their producer Tracy pledge to do the investigative work listeners are too squeamish or awkward to do themselves—all with a healthy dose of humor, empathy, and self-deprecating honesty.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Are We So Nosy?

• The hosts admit everyone is naturally nosy (or "curious," as some prefer).
• [02:03] Bert (A): "For the most part we're all pretty nosy people."
• [02:13] Cassie (C) & Bert (A): Cassie tries to justify it as “interest,” but Bert insists, “You call curious? I say nosy.”
• The appeal of gossip is explored—not to improve our lives, but out of a universal desire for answers to things that don’t actually affect us.

2. Introducing the “Fact-Finding” Service

• The hosts explain their new segment: listeners with burning "I need to know" questions bring the situations to The Bert Show, who then investigate while protecting the tipster's anonymity.
  • [03:47] Bert (A): "We're going to provide that person for you... We'll get Producer Tracy on the case within 24 hours."
• The show highlights that even the silliest-seeming questions can matter to people.
• Examples discussed include coworkers not wearing wedding rings, odd neighbor behavior, rumors about cosmetic procedures, and more.

3. Call-In 1: “Is My Coworker Living at the Office?” [05:53–09:55]

• Jill (F) (Voice Disguised): Shares detailed observations: a coworker is always the first in, last out; is seen with wet hair as if recently showered; uses the office gym but doesn’t seem to work out; keeps personal belongings in his car.
• The cast discusses signs and shares similar stories (e.g., coworkers secretly living in prize closets or vehicles).
• Jill is a mix of "just curious" and genuinely concerned.
  • [09:02] Jill (F): "Well, I’m worried about him. I want to make sure that he's okay, but it just strikes me as odd and I'm wondering what his story is."
• The show pledges to pursue the story—and makes clear the intention is not to embarrass but to satisfy curiosity, and potentially help if needed.

4. Call-In 2: The One-Month Marriage Mystery [10:08–11:56]

• Molly (F) (Voice Disguised): Wonders what happened to a recently married friend whose marriage ended within months.
• Molly learned via Facebook and her ex-husband moving into her complex that the couple split.
• The hosts muse about the awkward nature of these questions.
  • [11:19] Cassie (C): "A lot of these are going to come in and they're going to be, like, petty questions where if someone responds with, 'none of your business,' you feel foolish for asking it."
• The team promises to investigate when possible, balancing curiosity with respect.

5. Call-In 3: Is She Really Graduating With Honors? [12:02–14:27]

• Kelly (F) (Voice Disguised): Upset that a less-academic classmate is pictured with an honor’s gold tassel at graduation, but isn’t listed on the honor roll.
  • Suspects preferential treatment, possibly for being a “face of the program” or other less-meritorious reasons.
  • [13:24] Kelly (F): "She's the face of our program. So they boosted her grade."
• The team debates whether it's just photo props or an actual honor, and discuss how outcomes like these can sometimes arise—innocently or not.

6. Call-In 4: The Expensive Secret [14:43–16:46]

• Jack (G) (Voice Disguised): Reports on a coworker repeatedly mentioning she has a huge financial burden, hinting at needing more hours without revealing specifics.
• The group speculates wildly—DUIs, egg donation, something criminal, or just mundane like a home repair.
  • [16:24] D: "What do you think it is?"
  • [16:37] Bert (A): "What we might find... is that the rumor has blown so out of proportion that the reality of it is so small."

7. Reflection on Being Nosy and the Reality Behind Rumors [16:47–17:15]

• The hosts admit these quests often reveal simple, relatable realities (like medical bills or repairs), not the dramatic stories people imagine.
• There’s some gentle self-mocking about how nosy—even petty—these questions are, yet how everyone shares that itch to know.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [02:09] Cassie (C): “Oh, without a doubt.” (on being nosy)
• [03:18] (E): "I've been staring at Jeff's ring finger..." (showing how deep office curiosity runs)
• [07:06] Cassie (C): "Do you think he's living at the office?”
• [09:33] D: “Yeah, I just want to admit to being homeless.” (joking about how awkward it would be to confront someone directly)
• [11:19] Cassie (C): “A lot of these are gonna come in and they're gonna be, like, petty questions...”
• [16:59] E: “She wants to put in a pool.” (speculating on the mundane possible realities behind rumors)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:03] – Setting up the theme: nosiness, curiosity, and office gossip
• [03:47] – How The Bert Show investigates for you: intro to “Producer Tracy” as the fact-finder
• [05:53 – 09:55] – Jill’s question: “Is my coworker living at the office?”
• [10:08 – 11:56] – Molly’s marriage mystery: “What happened after the wedding?”
• [12:02 – 14:27] – Kelly’s academic envy: “Is she really graduating with honors?”
• [14:43 – 16:46] – Jack’s financial mystery: “What is her big expense?”
• [16:47 – 17:15] – Reflection on rumors, reality, and nosy curiosity

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Overall Tone & Takeaways

The episode is light-hearted, playful, and self-aware, with the hosts openly owning up to the pleasure—and guilt—of office gossip. Listeners are invited to lean into their nosiness, with the The Bert Show providing a guilt-free (and anonymous) outlet to get answers, while occasionally confronting the idea that the truth is rarely as scandalous as the speculation.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Here's what we're trying to get at here. You know, generally, I think for the most part we're all pretty nosy people.

[C]

Oh, without a doubt.

[A]

Curious. You call curious? I say nosy.

[C]

Well, if you're being polite. We're not nosy. We're just interested. But the reality is, everybody likes gossip because it makes them feel better about themselves.

[A]

Here's what we're looking for. If there's something going on in your office, whoa. Could be a friend of a friend of a friend. Like Jeff said, there's some gossip going on. You would just like to know it's not gonna make your life any better. Not gonna make your life any worse.

[D]

Damn.

[A]

You're just curious. You're just curious and you want answers, and you're too much of a coward to actually pursue it yourself. Plus, it's probably too superficial of a thing for you to go ahead and pursue. But you would sure like to know.

[E]

One of the things that started this was Jeff had mentioned yesterday about the fact that he had left his wedding ring at the lake, and he hasn't worn it for a long time. And I noticed that. And I noticed when Jessica came in to do Jessica's shop, she didn't have her wedding ring.

[C]

Melissa's been waiting for me to be available since the day we met.

[E]

I've been staring at her every day.

[C]

She's hoping that that left hand is naked as a baby.

[E]

See ya, Katie. Hello, Jeffrey. So save that and send it to

[C]

me as a ringtone.

[E]

So I've been sen. Staring at Jeff's ring finger, but no, there was one day that I pulled Bert aside in the hallway, and I said, have you noticed that Jeff doesn't have his ring on? So instead of going directly to Jeff and saying, I've noticed you don't have your wedding ring on. Is everything okay? I went to Bert and I said, have you noticed? And Bert hadn't noticed. So we talked about it in the hallway before, you know, and I never even approached Jeff about it. So in this case, I would call the Burt show and say, hey, you know what? There's this dude at the office. He doesn't have his wedding ring on. I just want to find out if anything is wrong, and we would be the one to call him.

[A]

And in a case like this, I could go directly to Jeff. But you don't have that person. We're going to provide that person for you. It's going to be in the form of producer Tracy or you. So you'll call us, you'll say, look, there's a guy in the office or a woman in the office or someone down the street, neighbors. That's probably going to be the biggest hit. You got to know something. There's always rumors about neighbors. Right? So you want proof of what's going on? You supply us some information. We'll get producer Tracy on the case within 24 hours. We will call that person. We won't tell them who is pursuing this lead, who is curious. They will never know it's you. But we'll get the answers for you and we'll tell you on the air.

[D]

Like, I have one about a really beautiful woman who's social around town. A lot of people know who she is and she's just got like the most perfect skin. And I am dying to know if she gets Juvederm or Botox. Okay, it doesn't matter. Whatever, she's still beautiful. I want to know if is she getting injection injections in her skin or not.

[A]

404741. Q100. About six months ago, there was one of these huge homes down the street from us. There's our homes, which aren't huge. And then there are the crazy big ones, like Pace's Ferry big. And there was somebody had handcrafted, like what seemed to me like a 30 by 50 sign. And in paint wrote very, in an amateur way, it just said welcome back on it. And that was it. And I drove by that house for about a week, wondering. I really want to know the story. Who's coming home? Was it somebody in the military?

[C]

The house is that big. You should have just pulled in like it was you they were waiting for. It's good to be here.

[A]

Surprise.

[C]

Which floor do you want me to live on?

[A]

Jill wants to be on the Voice Disguiser. And again, let me make this perfectly clear that you're not going to be the one pursuing the facts here. You're just going to tell us. We'll put you on hold. We'll put you on with producer Tracy. She'll do the fact finding. And with any luck at all, we'll get answers for you within 24 or 48. Go ahead, Jill. You're on the voice disguiser.

[F]

Oh, hi. How are you?

[A]

Good. How are you?

[F]

Good, thanks.

[A]

You don't have to feel bad about this. You don't have to feel sheepish, okay? Because we're all nosy.

[F]

So I have this co worker and for the past few months I've noticed that he's the first one to come in in the morning and the last one to leave at night. And I just always wondered about him. And then I've started to also notice that sometimes in the morning when I would show up, like his hair would be wet, like he just got out of the shower. It didn't seem like there was enough time. It seemed like it wouldn't dry as fast as it should if he was driving to work or something. And then I noticed also that he. We have a gym downstairs, and he would be down there, but he's kind of an overweight kind of guy, and it doesn't seem to be doing much. So I wonder if maybe he's just showering down there and then coming to work and not really using the gym.

[E]

Do you think he's living at the office?

[D]

Do you think he's homeless?

[F]

I don't know. Like, it seems like that's what's going on. And I did also notice. I just feel so weird not following him or anything. But we have a small parking lot, and I walk by his car, and there was, you know, a bunch of stuff in there, like, you know, clothes and shoes kind of strewn about. And it just seems like, you know, all the things kind of add up to, like. I just wonder what's going on.

[E]

He didn't have a place to go.

[A]

You want to know his story? It's a little bit like, Jen, you remember long time ago, you would pass this woman on the street every day before you came to work. You just wanted to know her story.

[D]

Yeah, because she was standing at the MARTA stop every day when I left. And it was, you know, it was really consistent. So in my mind, I had sort of, like, made up what her life story was. I can't remember her name right now to save my life. Oh, that's gonna bug me. But anyway. But yeah, it would be the same. It would be the same kind of thing. Just the curiosity thing.

[A]

And then we actually pursued her. We got her on the phone with us just to find out what her story was.

[C]

Yeah, I think years. I think I told you guys, years ago, when I worked at this radio station in Syracuse, there was a guy who moved into the prize closet.

[D]

Oh, yeah, you did tell us that.

[C]

And he would use old station T shirts. He would make a bed. And the only reason we knew, I

[D]

worked with a guy who lived in our station vehicle for a couple of weeks.

[C]

Yeah. And the only reason we knew it is we came by late at night from drinking. Me and a buddy of mine came by, walked to the radio station, because you're gonna sleep for a couple hours before driving home from the bar. We walk in, and there's a light on in the prize closet. Aw, damn. I left the light on. And we opened the door, and dude was in there with a Little portable

[D]

T. He's got his little station T shirts all knitted together as his blanket.

[F]

Well, don't do.

[A]

What are you doing now, Jill? Are you curious about this because this is something that you would like to help out with or are you just simply want to know the story and which is. Either one is fine.

[F]

Well, I'm worried about him. You know, I want to make sure that he's okay, but also just strikes me as odd and wondering what his story is. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah, this is perfect. Yeah, that's a great one to start with. Let me put you on hold right now. Okay.

[C]

Now will he come on with this, Bert, or does Tracy just talk to him?

[A]

No, I don't think we can get him on.

[E]

I mean, I think Tracy should just talk. I mean, if I think we want to get the story, it'll have to be off air.

[A]

Yeah, because he. A guy like this. Yeah. He didn't sign up for it. And if it is the worst case scenario, he doesn't want.

[D]

Yeah, I just want to admit to being homeless.

[A]

So what we can do is we can get you on. Unless the guy like or woman volunteers for it, then sure. But I think as we're talking about

[E]

it, unless it's a case of which let's say he was married and got divorced, she kicked him out and he's mad and wants to talk about it. Yeah.

[A]

Then we're good. Then we're solid. Sure.

[D]

Right.

[A]

All right, Jill, let me put you on hold and we'll try to get some answers for you within the next 24.

[F]

Okay, great.

[A]

All right, hold on. We got a couple. Maybe we'll fish all day today, come back with something. Good morning, Molly. You haven't asked for it, but I'll go ahead and I'll put you on the voice disguiser.

[F]

Sound good?

[A]

Okay, go ahead.

[F]

Well, about a couple years ago, I had a friend who got married. We were friends for shortly right before she got married. So we weren't really good friends. And we went to the wedding and beautiful wedding. And about a month or two later my friend called me and said that she had looked at this girl's Facebook page. I don't have Facebook. I think it's evil. I never was able to look at the page to see what was going on, but it said her status was single. And obviously we had just attended her wedding not long before. And then. But another month later her I guess ex husband moved into our condo complex and you know, we would see him around and we never saw her so obviously, they only made it, like, a month or two. And I never found out. I mean, I never talked to her after the wedding. I never found out what happened to her.

[A]

Now, do you have enough details where we could track this person down and ask the questions?

[F]

Oh, I think so, yeah.

[A]

Okay, so you just want to know what happened?

[D]

Why did they get divorced so fast?

[F]

Yeah. I mean, to only make it. I mean, it was somewhere between a month and probably three months.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

You know what?

[E]

Somebody found out something after the wedding.

[C]

I've realized the nature of a lot of the questions that we're asking. It's almost like the. A lot of these are going to come in and they're going to be, like, petty questions where if somebody responds with, none of your business, why are you concerned with my business? Like, then you. You feel foolish for asking it. Like, that's kind of the nature of these questions. But you know what?

[E]

Curious.

[C]

It's like reality TV has made us all void.

[E]

Well, she's a little mad because she gave, you know, bought a wedding gift.

[A]

Right. She wants that cash back. All right, Molly, let me put you on hold. We'll have somebody call you later on. We'll get as many details as we can, and we'll try to pursue that and find out what happened.

[F]

Thank you.

[A]

Okay, hold on. Stick one more. I like this. Good morning, Kelly. You were on the Voice Disguiser.

[F]

Hi.

[E]

Hey.

[F]

Good morning.

[A]

Good morning.

[F]

I love you. I love you. I love you. I just wanted to say that.

[A]

Thank you. Thanks for calling.

[F]

Okay. My dilemma is I graduate Saturday, and a fellow classmate who hasn't been going to school normally is now wearing a gold tassel in her graduation picture. The teachers and they say, well, we don't know. We don't know. Excuse me. And me and another fellow classmate have the honor roll program, and her name in our program is not in it.

[C]

Are you graduating?

[F]

Huh?

[C]

I was gonna say, are you graduating with honors? No, but she is.

[F]

Yes. And I know. I know this sounds kind of selfish and configured, but I know for a fact I make better grades than her.

[E]

Now you say. Yeah. No, I'm curious, because you said it was just in her picture that she has the tassel on, because I wonder if she really is gonna graduate with honors or she just, you know, got that on for the picture.

[F]

That's. That's exactly what I want to know.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

Now, if she did get the gold thing and is graduating with honors, how do you think she got it?

[F]

Can I say this on a radio?

[A]

Only if you handle it delicately. You can say anything so long as it's in PG13 terms.

[F]

She's the face of our program. So they boosted her grade.

[D]

You think it's because she's pretty?

[F]

Not so much pretty, slutty.

[C]

But what do you mean, the face of your program? Like is she on the COVID of the graduation program or like.

[F]

No, no, no, for our program. She's like, she's graduating with like the program broadcast spokesman. She's always the one that's seen as my program, as the program we're in instead of everybody as a group.

[A]

Okay, her, she's the example.

[C]

She's like the representative of your. Of your school.

[A]

So they have to make sure that she looks good or the whole class looks bad.

[E]

Yeah, I'm curious, I'm curious if she really is. Because a lot of times you can. I've seen it that you can go into that photography studio and put on whatever for the. Because the photographer doesn't know whether you are graduating with honors.

[D]

But then also, weren't you guys sometimes surprised at who was graduating like summa cum laude or whatever? They were like, you're like, what? That person's that smart? Because some people, it just comes easier.

[A]

Hey, Kelly, let me put you on hold. We need to get some more information from you and then we'll try to make these calls later today and with any luck at all, we'll get some answers for you over the next 24. Okay, one more. I figured the more we take, the better chance we have of getting a results for the over the next day or so.

[C]

This radio segment is becoming quite pleasing to me.

[A]

I like it. Hey Jack, can you turn your radio down? Thank you. Sir, you are on the voice disguiser. Go ahead.

[G]

Hi, good morning. I'm calling about a co worker of mine, a fellow coworker who actually has to pay for something rather large. And she won't mention to us what it is. She actually mentions it all the time about that she has to pay for this really expensive thing. She always needs like more money and stuff. But she always mentions it but never tells us what it is.

[A]

And you guys have straight up right to her face of well, what is it? And she said, well, I really told her many times.

[G]

You're like, well, what is it? What do you have to pay for? I mean, maybe we could help you out or something. But you know, she's just, oh, no, never mind, I won't, I don't want to tell you.

[A]

So is she going around the office

[G]

during like DUIs or like some kind of parking ticket or other stuff, but we never really know.

[A]

Is she going around the office asking you guys for money or she just hinting that she needs a raise and more hours?

[G]

She's just hinting that she needs more hours. She's been calling about more hours all the time, talking to like our boss and supervisor about that she needs more time and like she's taking other shifts up and it's just really, really sketchy.

[A]

So is your hunch that she's just asking for more hours just so she can have extra cash and there's really not anything big that she needs to buy?

[G]

Well, I mean, she. She's always like said to us that she has to pay for something and she has to pay for something specific, but she won't tell us because it's so huge.

[E]

I mean, you just want to know what it is.

[G]

She's going as far as egg donation because she needs that money.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[D]

What do you think it is?

[G]

We thought. Well, we considered DUIs at first, but we've moved on to something pretty. Pretty, like bigger than that. Like arson or something. Like we don't. We don't know. It's just really weird.

[A]

I think what we're going to find in most of these cases and Jack, let me go ahead and put you on hold and we'll get some more info and we'll try to get you some answers. So don't hang up, okay?

[G]

Sure, sure.

[A]

I think in most cases what we might find with this whole segment is that the rumor has blown so out of proportion that the reality of it is so small that the stories might be disappointing when we find out the truth.

[E]

She wants to put in a pool.

[C]

She needs a new roof. Shingles blew off in the last storm. But she really wants to get it done while the summer's here before rains come again.

[D]

It's gonna make the nosy person feel really bad about it. Like if she's paying for her mother's medical bills, you know, something like that.

[A]

Well, this is guilt free though, cuz they'll never know it's you. Nobody knows it's you. We're doing all the dirty work for you, right? So we got four pretty compelling stories that producer Tracy will work on today and we'll see what we can come up with tomorrow. Listen, it's the bird show.