Vault: What Do You Do When Mr. Right Is A Terrible Kisser?

Summary

The Bert Show: “Vault: What Do You Do When Mr. Right Is A Terrible Kisser?”

Date: December 26, 2025
Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Cast Featured: Jim Bur, callers Jennifer, Jonathan, Mercedes, and others

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show confronts a hilariously real relationship dilemma: what should you do when someone who seems perfect in every other way turns out to be a terrible kisser? Sparked by a real-life story from a release party, the hosts and callers debate if bad kissing is a relationship dealbreaker, what it might say about a partner’s skills elsewhere, and whether someone can really get better at kissing. The conversation is candid, relatable, and packed with laughter as personal anecdotes, listener contributions, and pop-culture references fill the air.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The “Mr. Right, Wrong Kisser” Dilemma (Starts at 01:33)

• Jim Bur shares a listener’s story: after several perfect dates with a seemingly ideal man, their much-anticipated first kiss is “gross, wet, sloppy, and just uncomfortable.” The woman is so turned off she considers ending things—despite all other signs pointing to a great relationship.
• Key Question: “Is it justified to break up with a guy or a woman based on a kiss that is so bad that you can't go on with the relationship?” (03:23)

2. Does a Bad Kiss Predict Other Problems? (03:38)

• A guest suggests it depends on how much someone likes the person and whether they're willing to see if things improve. However, several admit they see bad kissing as a general red flag for chemistry and intimacy.
• Memorable Anecdote: “I remember this happening in college. I felt devoured by someone. Like, instead of kissing me, I think he ate my head.” – Caller/Guest (04:00)

3. Can You Get Better at Kissing? (05:22)

• Jennifer (Caller, 05:26) recounts nearly breaking up with her (now long-term) boyfriend due to his bad kissing—“He was just such a great guy in so many other areas that I ended up [deciding], let me give it a chance… and finally it got better, and we're still together five months later.”
• She shares her strategy: “I just kinda started taking control over the kissing situation... trying to show him, in a sense, but not insult him, of course." (05:48)
• The show draws a distinction between learning styles in intimacy versus kissing: “...you're not really at the point that you can tell him he's a bad kisser if you only been out a couple times. But that would totally turn me off.” – Caller/Guest (04:54)

4. Listener Tales: Awful First Kisses (07:17)

• Jonathan (07:18) broke up with a woman for her “spitty, gross” kissing – “She had hawked up a lot of spit and rolled into my mouth... didn’t matter how great her personality was. Just the idea of kissing this person kind of made me do the dry he thing.” (07:51)
• Others chime in with similar dealbreakers, emphasizing the importance of physical chemistry.
• Hot take: “If I'm so turned off by them, they become a friend... If I am totally physically turned off, I cannot continue.” – Caller/Guest (08:05)

5. “Worst Kissing” Horror Stories (08:57)

• Mercedes (08:57): “I did break up with someone over a kiss. He was a rough kisser... Eventually, he almost gave me a hysterectomy!” (09:14)
• Cheryl (10:32) describes a guy who would “lick all over my face. The cheeks. He would just take his tongue and just run it all over my face... so nasty, I just couldn’t take it.” (10:52)
• The team bursts into laughter over comparisons: “What is that, like an overeager poodle?” – Jim Bur (11:00); “I’m not a lollipop. Don’t lick my face.” – Caller/Guest (11:03)

6. Pop-Culture Kissing: Movie Comparisons (09:31)

• The group riffs on whether on-screen kisses can make a celebrity seem like a bad kisser in real life.
• Notable jabs: “When we all watched Garden State together, those kisses between Zach Braff and Natalie Portman looked really, really [awkward].” (09:42)
• “I think Jude Law looks like he's a bad kisser... He looks like lizard man with really dry lips that don’t really move a whole lot.” – Caller/Guest (10:20)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Is it justified to break up with a guy or a woman based on a kiss that is so bad that you can't go on with the relationship?” – Jim Bur (03:23)
• “I think he ate my head.” – Caller/Guest, recalling a particularly aggressive kisser (04:00)
• “He was just such a great guy... I started taking control over the kissing situation... and eventually it got better.” – Jennifer (05:26; 05:48)
• “She had hawked up a lot of spit and rolled into my mouth... didn’t matter how great her personality was.” – Jonathan (07:51)
• “If I am totally physically turned off, I cannot continue.” – Caller/Guest (08:05)
• “He almost gave me a hysterectomy.” – Mercedes (09:14)
• “I’m not a lollipop. Don’t lick my face.” – Caller/Guest (11:03)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:33 – Main topic introduced: “Mr. Perfect” turns out to be a “terrible kisser”
• 03:23 – Is it worth breaking up over a bad kiss?
• 05:22 – Jennifer shares A redemption story: bad kisser boyfriend improved
• 07:17 – Jonathan and others: “I broke up with someone for kissing”
• 08:57 – Mercedes describes a disastrous rough kisser
• 09:31 – Pop-culture riff: celebrities as “bad kissers”
• 10:32 – Cheryl: “he used to lick all over my face”; studio erupts

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Conclusion

This episode is a playful, relatable debate about whether kissing compatibility is a make-or-break factor in relationships. The Bert Show team and their callers echo a range of real-world experiences, from “let them learn” patience to “nope, I’m out” rejection. The overall consensus tilts toward kissing being a non-negotiable: the ick-factor is hard to unsee (or untaste).

Tone: Playful, honest, self-deprecating, and warm—much like overhearing a lively brunch table of friends.

Best for: Anyone who’s wondered (or worried about!) what a bad kiss really means, or who just wants to laugh and cringe along with familiar, awkward dating adventures.

Transcript

[Zoey]

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[Jim Bur]

Drew Ski, lift with your legs, man. Santa. Santa, did you get my letter?

[Drew Ski]

He's talking to you britches.

[Jim Bur]

I'm not.

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Of course he did.

[Jim Bur]

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[Ad Voice]

Get it.

[Jim Bur]

The bird show. All right, I've got the first superficial question of the morning to ask you guys, because last night we're at Twist and we're doing the CD release party. And I am talking to somebody at the release party. Not gonna tell you guys who it is, but she says that she thought that she had met Mr. Right. This sort of goes along with the whole women's intuition thing where she dated a guy two or three times and they never kissed after the date. This has gone on for like a couple of weeks. They went on three dates and he just said, I'm a gentleman. I generally don't kiss on the first or second date, but when I know it's real, then I feel like getting a little more intimate. But at this point, let's not kiss. He said those words or something like that on the first couple of days. So she is completely enamored with this guy. They have the same likes. The chemistry seems really good. All. All arrows seem to be pointing to. This is gonna work out pretty well. So, like date number three or date number four. He's feeling comfortable enough with her that at the end of the date, he makes the approach for the kiss and kisses her and is an awful, awful kisser. Terrible. She said it was just the most. I forget the words she used, but I think gross was in there. Wet was in there. Yeah, it was really sloppy. Was in. And it was just really uncomfortable. I mean, it was really uncomfortable. So she asks me last night, does that mean that he can't get any better at kissing? And is that an indication of him being really bad in other areas also? Because the way she was leaning last night was she was ready to break up with this guy because every guy that she had kissed before him, that was a bad kisser was bad in other areas. You know what I'm saying?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jim Bur]

So the question I'm asking you guys, is it justified to break up with a guy or a woman based on a kiss that is so bad that you can't go on with the relationship? 404-741-1005 I just think that it depends.

[Caller/Guest]

On how much she likes this guy and how much room she wants to give him to improve. Because after the first kiss, maybe it was an awkward moment. Maybe he could improve over the next couple of weeks. But I think if you've got several weeks of bad kisses, you kind of got to move on because. Yeah, I remember this happening one time when I was in college. I felt devoured by someone. Like, instead of kissing me, I think he ate my head.

[Jim Bur]

Just my shoulders were showing. Like that Subway commercial.

[Caller/Guest]

Exactly like the subway commercial. I felt swallowed whole and thought, you know what? This is not really so good. And then, you know, gave it about a week. And then it was like, okay. No, it was way too forceful and down your throat.

[Jim Bur]

It was like, couldn't get past it. Because she said in other areas, like, great job. Seemed like a sensitive guy. The areas that she normally looks at for red flags were all white flags. Like, she's. He's got a great relationship with his parents. Financially, he's doing fine. But the kiss was so bad and so atrocious that she can't get over it and wants to break up with the guy based on one kiss.

[Caller/Guest]

I. I Know, in the past, I've said about when it comes to, you know, intimate relations, that you can improve on that. But you're at that point of having intimacy and having communication kisses on the other.

[Jim Bur]

It's.

[Caller/Guest]

It's difficult to. Because you're assuming over the next few weeks he's going to improve on his own because you're not really at the point that you can tell him he's a bad kisser if you only been out a couple times. But that would totally turn me off. And I do think that's an indication of his performance the rest of the way.

[Jim Bur]

You do?

[Caller/Guest]

I do. And it would be only two or three or four dates into it. It would be hard for me to continue if the person was that bad of a kisser, if it turned. If it turned me off.

[Jim Bur]

Okay. Good morning, Jennifer. You're on the Burt Show.

[Caller/Guest]

Hello.

[Jennifer]

Hey. How are you guys doing today?

[Jim Bur]

Thank you.

[Ad Voice]

Great.

[Jennifer]

Well, I was just gonna say that when me and my boyfriend first started dating, that he was a horrible kisser. Like, I almost broke up with him over it and stopped seeing him. He was just such a great guy in so many other areas that I ended up. Okay, you know, let me give it a chance. Let me give it a chance. And finally things just got better, and we're still together five months later.

[Caller/Guest]

So how did things get better? Like, did you say something to him?

[Jennifer]

Well, I had thought about it. I even approached a couple of friends who I was like, man, he just stinks at kissing. And, you know, I don't want to get too far into it, and, you know, it'd be worse. And finally I just kind of started taking control over the kissing situation as far as, like, when we were kissing, trying to show him, in a sense, but not. Not insult him, of course. But, you know. And eventually it got better. And then as we got comfortable, I was like, oh, you know, I like it this way. Over this way. And it just. It's gotten better.

[Caller/Guest]

And was he a slobberer?

[Jennifer]

Yes.

[Jim Bur]

Okay. Have you ever. I'm not exactly sure how to phrase this, but without it sounding really nasty this early in the morning, but have you ever had somebody like, God, they just tense up so much that. That their. Their tongue is so hard and forced down your mouth that you just feel like you're totally being abducted?

[Caller/Guest]

Yes.

[Jennifer]

Yeah.

[Caller/Guest]

The choker.

[Jim Bur]

The choker. And it feels like Gene Simmons has got his tongue down your throat.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's hard to get over that for some reason. Remember when your friend Aaron came on with us and was dating the A list celebrity. And then we told everybody it was Owen Wilson. For some reason, I imagine him to be the crazy tongue guy.

[Jim Bur]

The bad kissing guy.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, the bad kissing guy. For some reason.

[Jim Bur]

That's only because I told you the story off the air that I couldn't tell on the air about Owen Wilson.

[Caller/Guest]

Maybe the curiosity is sparked up that.

[Jim Bur]

Will totally change your opinion of that guy. Good morning, Jonathan. You're on the Burt Show.

[Caller/Guest]

Hi.

[Jonathan]

Yes, I broke up with a girl because she was a terrible kisser.

[Caller/Guest]

Well, I. Yeah, I'm always curious about details, like what makes a bad kisser. Yeah, why was she a bad kisser?

[Jonathan]

Okay. Well, it started out where, you know, she would. We were just kind of having a phone conversation and, you know, of course, you know, you'd lead up into meeting that person. And when we first met, we went out on the first date, and that night I kissed her. And it was like she had hawked up a lot of spit and rolled into my mouth.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, gross.

[Jonathan]

So particularly after that, it didn't matter how great her personality was. Just the idea of kissing this person kind of made me do the dry he thing.

[Ad Voice]

Yes.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. I mean, because when people say, well, they're a great person, they have a great job, they have a great personality, well, then, I mean, to me, attraction is so important that if I'm so turned off by them, then they become a friend. They're my friend. A great job and a friend with a great personality. But if there is no if, I am totally physically turned off, I cannot continue.

[Jim Bur]

I remember the very first time I tried the whole French kiss thing. It was a game of spin the bottle and there were a whole bunch of friends around and stuff. And I knew what the concept of it was, but I had never put it in practice before. And I just remember opening up my mouth so wide like you could have put a seven pound bag of cement in my mouth. Everybody's done that.

[Caller/Guest]

I did that too.

[Jim Bur]

And, like, everybody looking at me was like, Jaws, put that thing away, dude. I was like, you know, watching Charlie Brow, they yell, you can only see the uvula just dangling in the back. Good morning, Mercedes, here on the Burt Show.

[Jennifer]

Hi. Yes, I did break up with someone over a kiss. He was a rough kisser.

[Jim Bur]

And.

[Jennifer]

Well, no, it wasn't even over a kiss. I put that to the side. I'm like, okay, maybe this is just a guy who just doesn't know how to kiss. And it eventually led up to something else.

[Jonathan]

And I swear, you know, we're on.

[Jennifer]

The radio, so I'm gonna make it really pg. He almost gave me a hysterectomy.

[Jim Bur]

It was well said.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, man.

[Ad Voice]

Thank you.

[Caller/Guest]

Now, have you ever. Have you ever watched somebody in a film and thought, like, a celebrity is a bad kisser on screen and thought differently of them? Because I have an example.

[Jim Bur]

Yeah. When we all watched Garden State together, those kisses between Zach Braff and Natalie Portman looked really, really.

[Caller/Guest]

I think Jude Law looks like he's a bad kisser. Only reason I say that is there's this new movie out that he. That's coming out with him and Julia Roberts. And I believe Natalie Portman's in that one as well.

[Jim Bur]

I've seen that.

[Caller/Guest]

And he kisses. Is he kissing Julia Roberts in that commercial? And he grabs the crown of her head. Like, he. I don't know.

[Jim Bur]

Didn't grab her by, like, the cheek.

[Caller/Guest]

No, not delicately in the cheek or the nape of her neck or anything cool like that. I mean, like, the crown of her head. I don't know. You just gotta watch this film. He looks like a very bad kisser. Unfortunately, I think differently.

He looks like lizard man with really dry. Like, really dry lips that, like, don't really move a whole lot.

[Jim Bur]

They just stare at there. Hey, Cheryl. Good morning. You're on the Burt show on all the hits. Q100.

[Jennifer]

Yeah, I used to date this guy in college, and he was really, you know, great in other areas and stuff. But whenever he kissed me, we would start kissing, and then he would start licking me all over my face.

[Caller/Guest]

No.

[Jim Bur]

Oh, who does that? Are you spanking you?

[Jennifer]

That was too much. He had to go, like, licking you.

[Jim Bur]

On the cheeks and the eyes and stuff.

[Jennifer]

The cheeks. I mean, he would just take his tongue and just run it all over my face.

[Jim Bur]

Dude, what is that?

[Jennifer]

And it was so nasty, I just. I couldn't take it.

[Jim Bur]

What was that? Like an overeager poodle?

[Caller/Guest]

I'm not a lollipop. Don't lick my face.

[Jim Bur]

I couldn't even stand when my mom used to lick her finger, her thumb. And I put that on my face. Nasty. So I guess if you're dating a bad kisser, it's over.

[Ad Voice]

Bye.

[Jim Bur]

Bye. Move on. Just move on. That's a lot of pressure, man.

[Drew Ski]

Get it?

[Jim Bur]

The Bird show.

[Zoey]

Guys, thanks for helping me carry my Christmas tree, Zoe.

[Drew Ski]

This thing weighs a ton.

[Jim Bur]

Drew, ski lift with your legs, man. Santa. Santa, did you get my letter?

[Drew Ski]

He's talking to you, Bridges.

[Jim Bur]

I'm not.

[Zoey]

Of course he did.

[Jim Bur]

Right, Santa, you know my elf Drew Ski here.

[Drew Ski]

He handles the nice list and elf I'm six' three. What everyone wants is iPhone 17 and at T Mobile you can get it on them. That center stage front camera is amazing for group selfie, right Mrs. Claus I'm.

[Zoey]

Mrs. Claus much younger sister and AT T Mobile there's no trade in needed when you switch so you can keep.

[Jim Bur]

Your old phone or give it as a gift.

[Zoey]

And the best part? You can make the switch to T Mobile from your phone in just 15 minutes.

[Caller/Guest]

Nice.

[Drew Ski]

My side of the tree is slipping.

[Jim Bur]

Jim Bur the holidays are better.

[T-Mobile Announcer]

AT T Mobile switch in just 15 minutes and get iPhone 17 on us.

[Jim Bur]

With no trade in needed. And now T Mobile is available in US cellular stores.

[T-Mobile Announcer]

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