The Bert Show: “Vault: What Do You Do When Mr. Right Is A Terrible Kisser?”

Date: December 26, 2025
Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Cast Featured: Jim Bur, callers Jennifer, Jonathan, Mercedes, and others

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show confronts a hilariously real relationship dilemma: what should you do when someone who seems perfect in every other way turns out to be a terrible kisser? Sparked by a real-life story from a release party, the hosts and callers debate if bad kissing is a relationship dealbreaker, what it might say about a partner’s skills elsewhere, and whether someone can really get better at kissing. The conversation is candid, relatable, and packed with laughter as personal anecdotes, listener contributions, and pop-culture references fill the air.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The “Mr. Right, Wrong Kisser” Dilemma (Starts at 01:33)

• Jim Bur shares a listener’s story: after several perfect dates with a seemingly ideal man, their much-anticipated first kiss is “gross, wet, sloppy, and just uncomfortable.” The woman is so turned off she considers ending things—despite all other signs pointing to a great relationship.
• Key Question: “Is it justified to break up with a guy or a woman based on a kiss that is so bad that you can't go on with the relationship?” (03:23)

2. Does a Bad Kiss Predict Other Problems? (03:38)

• A guest suggests it depends on how much someone likes the person and whether they're willing to see if things improve. However, several admit they see bad kissing as a general red flag for chemistry and intimacy.
• Memorable Anecdote: “I remember this happening in college. I felt devoured by someone. Like, instead of kissing me, I think he ate my head.” – Caller/Guest (04:00)

3. Can You Get Better at Kissing? (05:22)

• Jennifer (Caller, 05:26) recounts nearly breaking up with her (now long-term) boyfriend due to his bad kissing—“He was just such a great guy in so many other areas that I ended up [deciding], let me give it a chance… and finally it got better, and we're still together five months later.”
• She shares her strategy: “I just kinda started taking control over the kissing situation... trying to show him, in a sense, but not insult him, of course." (05:48)
• The show draws a distinction between learning styles in intimacy versus kissing: “...you're not really at the point that you can tell him he's a bad kisser if you only been out a couple times. But that would totally turn me off.” – Caller/Guest (04:54)

4. Listener Tales: Awful First Kisses (07:17)

• Jonathan (07:18) broke up with a woman for her “spitty, gross” kissing – “She had hawked up a lot of spit and rolled into my mouth... didn’t matter how great her personality was. Just the idea of kissing this person kind of made me do the dry he thing.” (07:51)
• Others chime in with similar dealbreakers, emphasizing the importance of physical chemistry.
• Hot take: “If I'm so turned off by them, they become a friend... If I am totally physically turned off, I cannot continue.” – Caller/Guest (08:05)

5. “Worst Kissing” Horror Stories (08:57)

• Mercedes (08:57): “I did break up with someone over a kiss. He was a rough kisser... Eventually, he almost gave me a hysterectomy!” (09:14)
• Cheryl (10:32) describes a guy who would “lick all over my face. The cheeks. He would just take his tongue and just run it all over my face... so nasty, I just couldn’t take it.” (10:52)
• The team bursts into laughter over comparisons: “What is that, like an overeager poodle?” – Jim Bur (11:00); “I’m not a lollipop. Don’t lick my face.” – Caller/Guest (11:03)

6. Pop-Culture Kissing: Movie Comparisons (09:31)

• The group riffs on whether on-screen kisses can make a celebrity seem like a bad kisser in real life.
• Notable jabs: “When we all watched Garden State together, those kisses between Zach Braff and Natalie Portman looked really, really [awkward].” (09:42)
• “I think Jude Law looks like he's a bad kisser... He looks like lizard man with really dry lips that don’t really move a whole lot.” – Caller/Guest (10:20)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Is it justified to break up with a guy or a woman based on a kiss that is so bad that you can't go on with the relationship?” – Jim Bur (03:23)
• “I think he ate my head.” – Caller/Guest, recalling a particularly aggressive kisser (04:00)
• “He was just such a great guy... I started taking control over the kissing situation... and eventually it got better.” – Jennifer (05:26; 05:48)
• “She had hawked up a lot of spit and rolled into my mouth... didn’t matter how great her personality was.” – Jonathan (07:51)
• “If I am totally physically turned off, I cannot continue.” – Caller/Guest (08:05)
• “He almost gave me a hysterectomy.” – Mercedes (09:14)
• “I’m not a lollipop. Don’t lick my face.” – Caller/Guest (11:03)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:33 – Main topic introduced: “Mr. Perfect” turns out to be a “terrible kisser”
• 03:23 – Is it worth breaking up over a bad kiss?
• 05:22 – Jennifer shares A redemption story: bad kisser boyfriend improved
• 07:17 – Jonathan and others: “I broke up with someone for kissing”
• 08:57 – Mercedes describes a disastrous rough kisser
• 09:31 – Pop-culture riff: celebrities as “bad kissers”
• 10:32 – Cheryl: “he used to lick all over my face”; studio erupts

Conclusion

This episode is a playful, relatable debate about whether kissing compatibility is a make-or-break factor in relationships. The Bert Show team and their callers echo a range of real-world experiences, from “let them learn” patience to “nope, I’m out” rejection. The overall consensus tilts toward kissing being a non-negotiable: the ick-factor is hard to unsee (or untaste).

Tone: Playful, honest, self-deprecating, and warm—much like overhearing a lively brunch table of friends.

Best for: Anyone who’s wondered (or worried about!) what a bad kiss really means, or who just wants to laugh and cringe along with familiar, awkward dating adventures.