Vault: What Do You Do When Your Handyman Steals From You?

Summary

The Bert Show – Vault: What Do You Do When Your Handyman Steals From You?

Date: March 23, 2026
Episode Theme:
This episode dives into a hilarious and unexpected story from the Bert Show cast: what happens when a handyman confesses his son might have stolen “weed” from the host's home—only for the real culprit to be catnip. The discussion is peppered with wit, self-deprecating humor, and the group’s signature banter about misunderstandings, family dynamics, and what you’d actually do in such a bizarre situation.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Caller Curiosity and Listener Engagement

• [01:01-01:45] The episode kicks off with a caller asking if the show ever followed up on a previously teased story about “the weed being taken out the house.” The caller reveals she's a new listener but hooked already.
  • Quote: “Y’all doing an awesome job. Yesterday was my first day, and I thoroughly enjoyed y’all.” (Caller, 01:41)
  • Tone: Warm, casual, and eager.

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2. The Confession: Handyman’s Call

• [01:49-04:41] The host (Jeff) shares the meat of the story: he got a strange email from a handyman who’d worked in his home nearly four months prior. The handyman insists on a conversation, hinting it’s somewhat urgent and personal.
• Jeff assumes it’s a setup for a personal ask, maybe a family favor. Instead, the handyman reveals he discovered a vial of “weed” in his teenage son’s room, and after interrogating his son, learns the son swiped it while on a job at Jeff’s house.
  • Quote: “He wanted the son to bring it back to me, but he did not want me to involve the police.” (Host/Jeff, 04:11)
  • The handyman doesn’t want to get the police involved and hopes for a quiet resolution.

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3. Host’s (and Co-host’s) Flabbergasted Reaction

• [04:41-05:52] A parade of denials and confusion:
  • Jeff flat out denies owning any weed.
  • The team jokes about how out of character this would be for him or Jessica (“We don’t smoke weed. We certainly wouldn’t own any. And we don’t. I mean, we really don’t.” (Host/Jeff, 04:42)).
  • The conversation gets comedically convoluted with everyone denying possession (“It’s not mine.”—[Co-host, 04:53]).

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4. Catnip and the Big Reveal

• [06:00-07:11] The punchline lands.
  • The “weed” vial actually turns out to be catnip, packaged in little clear tubes—leftover from Jessica’s purchase of cat scratchers.
  • Jeff only realizes after stumbling upon the vials while searching for a flashlight, putting the pieces together.
  • Quote: “The teenager was smoking catnip.” (Co-host, 06:38)
  • The group bursts into laughter, imagining a teenager “smoking” catnip and trying to impress friends.

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5. Comic Aftermath & Imagined Scenarios

• [07:11-07:44] Spiraling into jokes about the “side effects” of the fake weed:
  • “I can’t stop licking myself clean. Let’s go get some mice, bro.” (Bubba Wallace, 07:44)
  • Mocking the idea of teens getting high and running into walls, feeling nothing but headaches or the urge to chase mice.

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Memorable Quotes

• Caller: “Y’all doing an awesome job. Yesterday was my first day, and I thoroughly enjoyed y’all.” [01:41]
• Host/Jeff: “He wanted the son to bring it back to me, but he did not want me to involve the police.” [04:11]
• Host/Jeff: “We don’t smoke weed. We certainly wouldn’t own any. And we don’t. I mean, we really don’t.” [04:42]
• Co-host: “It’s not mine.” [04:53]
• Co-host: “The teenager was smoking catnip.” [06:38]
• Bubba Wallace: “I can’t stop licking myself clean. Let’s go get some mice, bro.” [07:44]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• [01:01] – Caller asks about the missing story
• [01:49] – Story introduction: “Handyman’s call”
• [04:11] – The son’s confession and request to return the “weed”
• [06:00] – Discovery: it was catnip all along
• [07:11] – The aftermath and group joke-spiral

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Overall Tone & Takeaways

The episode is brimming with the show’s trademark blend of absurdity, quick wit, and friendly ribbing. The cast turns a potentially awkward confrontation into a full-on comedy of errors, highlighting the importance of clear communication—and double-checking your junk drawers.

If you missed the episode:

• It’s all about mistaken identity—of both substances and intentions.
• No weed was present, only catnip, but the confusion spurred a parade of laughs and good-natured chaos.

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Perfect for fans of:

• Relatable home-life mishaps
• Silly but true stories
• Jocular morning banter and group chemistry

Transcript

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[Bubba Wallace]

The Birch Show.

[Host]

Good morning.

[Caller]

Hey, I was just calling to see if y' all ever told the story about the weed being taken out the house. I've been waiting and waiting. I said, here. Hell no water. Hell no water. Trying not to go to the bathroom. And I couldn't do it anymore. So I went to the restroom and came back, and y' all want something different. And I'm like, did I miss it?

[Host]

Jeff teased us earlier by telling us

[Co-host]

that I thought this woman in pain, she had to hold her water.

[Bubba Wallace]

It's not my fault. I put it out there, and Burt gets all distracted. There's a butterfly in the studio.

[Caller]

I haven't missed it.

[Host]

No, you have not. We're going to talk about it right now.

[Caller]

Okay. But I do want to say one more thing. Yesterday, I was set for the dial and ran across y'. All, and this morning, I found myself tuting it again. So y' all doing an awesome job. Yesterday was my first day, and I thoroughly enjoyed y'. All.

[Bubba Wallace]

Oh, great.

[Co-host]

Thank you.

[Bubba Wallace]

Thanks.

[Host]

I'm glad you're back.

[Caller]

Byebye.

[Host]

Thank you.

[Bubba Wallace]

Bye. Bye. So sweet.

[Co-host]

Fantastic.

[Host]

That was cool. All right, so Jeff teased us earlier and said that he had some weed stolen from his house. And at first I thought he said his Wii was stolen from his house, but it's not. It's weed.

[Bubba Wallace]

Yeah. With a D. Well.

[Co-host]

And it's in. Michael felt it's shocking on so many yeah. Shocking on so many levels because he

[Host]

protects it very, very carefully.

[Co-host]

Not the type of person that I would think would even have it in the house.

[Bubba Wallace]

Yeah. Or either is Jessica, which makes the story even more entertaining. So I get an email from a guy who, who I know who has done some work and stuff in our house, like a handyman type dude. And I got an email from him and he says, hey, I need to talk to you. I would like to come over and have a conversation with you. And I was. But it wasn't like, look, I mean, this guy did stuff in our house like four months ago, like forever ago, like before Christmas.

[Co-host]

So it's completed, it's not an ongoing project.

[Bubba Wallace]

So I was like, wow. And you know, whatever. It's really. Is there anything we talk about on the phone? He goes, well, I'd really like to do this, man. It was a really odd.

[Host]

Are you sure it's a secure line?

[Bubba Wallace]

Yeah, it was a really, it was a really, you know, strange exchange that went by. And I kind of like, I honestly thought that he was gonna come over to the house and then I was going to get like a pitch on something, like a sob story. Like maybe he had a cousin who needed to go on BBA or you know, a niece who desperately had to meet Britney Spears. Like, I kind of got the sense that that might be what's coming. So I finally forced him into a phone conversation and during that conversation that he admitted that one of the times that he was over working in the house, two of the people who were there were. One of them was his 16 year old son and a 20 year old guy who worked for him. And they were helping him do one of these projects. And apparently that was four months ago. Fast forward to last week, dad, the guy I'm talking to found weed in his kid's room and it was a little vial of weed. And he said he grilled the sun down. And he goes, where did you get this? And the son confessed to taking it out of our house when he was

[Co-host]

there working on this dude.

[Bubba Wallace]

Well, the guy was calling to tell me because he wanted the son to bring it back to me. Oh no.

[Co-host]

Hilarious.

[Bubba Wallace]

Hold on. He wanted the son to bring it back to me, but he did not want me to involve the police. And so I said to him, well, you know what? I said, I would love to help you out with this whole scenario that you have. However, I don't smoke weed. I don't have any weed in my house.

[Host]

I don't blow the chronic, bro.

[Bubba Wallace]

Yeah, Nobody. Nobody in my house saved that somewhere smokes weed. We. You know, we don't smoke. We certainly wouldn't own any. And we don't. I mean, we really don't.

[Co-host]

It's not mine.

[Bubba Wallace]

Yeah. Entertain dude.

[Co-host]

It's not mine.

[Bubba Wallace]

Yeah.

[Host]

And the dude's like, it's okay.

[Bubba Wallace]

That's what I'm gonna do it. Yeah. And he was like, I just want

[Co-host]

to return something my son stole from.

[Bubba Wallace]

Right? He's like, I understand. I understand where you're coming from. And we don't. He actually said that sentence. We don't have to discuss possession or ownership or anything like that. I just want it returned to where it came from.

[Host]

You're like, dude, really? I don't smoke weed.

[Bubba Wallace]

So I said to him, like, three or four. And I said, well, you know what? I said? I gotta. I said, I gotta be honest with you. I called, you know, I called you from my home line, and I thought it was gonna be a quick conversation. I'm walking out the door. Can I call you back in a couple hours? I'll call you for my cell phone. I'm gonna be out running errands, whatever. And I'm like, what the hell? And could not process it. And he said how much it was. He said it was like a little clear vial of whatever. So I go out, I run errands.

[Co-host]

Vial.

[Caller]

I know.

[Bubba Wallace]

I'm sitting there going, vial a plastic tube.

[Co-host]

He said, I'm sorry. I don't know. I'm just.

[Host]

I think it's like one of those plastic tubes that you'd put, like, film in those little round ones.

[Co-host]

Is that what it is?

[Bubba Wallace]

But it was clear.

[Co-host]

A film canister. Okay, that makes sense.

[Bubba Wallace]

So anyways, you know, so I make the decision.

[Co-host]

I read High Times

[Bubba Wallace]

that the whole thing's too weird, and I'm just not even gonna process it. Whatever. Fast forward to yesterday when I am digging around looking for a flashlight, and I open the bottom drawer of the little thing in our kitchen, and in there, I see bouncing around, two little clear vials of catnip that come with the cat scratchers that Jessica buys to put next to our furniture. So the cat doesn't scratch on the furniture. The cat instead scratches.

[Co-host]

So the teenager was smoking catnip.

[Bubba Wallace]

That's awesome. And, you know, he would smoke with

[Host]

all his friends, and they're like, oh, my God, I'm so high, bro. Where did you get this?

[Bubba Wallace]

And I never even thought. Did you call the guy back? I haven't yet. I seriously found him yesterday.

[Co-host]

Oh, my God, that's hilarious.

[Bubba Wallace]

I totally opened it up and it's. We have this junk drawer at the bottom of our. You know, everybody's got it. It's got like sungl, whatever, blah blah blah. And I needed a flashlight cuz I was looking for something in the garage

[Host]

and it all made sense to you in a second.

[Bubba Wallace]

And as soon as I picked the flashlight up, like these three little vials rolled and like in. In two, like the flashlight came up, the vials rolled and the thought popped into my head, God, if we ever die in a car wreck, people are going to think that's weed. Oh, that's what the guy told kids been lighting up and oh, and his

[Co-host]

friends are going, dude, this didn't really.

[Host]

It's really good. Give me a headache, man.

[Bubba Wallace]

I know.

[Host]

Maybe run around the house uncontrollably. I'm running into walls and stuff.

[Bubba Wallace]

I can't stop licking myself clean. Let's go get some mice, bro. The Bird Show. What's up fools?

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