Vault: What happened in Panama?

Summary

The Bert Show — Vault: What happened in Panama?

Date: June 29, 2026
Hosts: The Bert Show Cast (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, et al.)
Episode Focus: Personal travel tales from Panama — how an unplanned trip turned into a memorable adventure featuring unique cultural, city, and nature experiences.

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Episode Overview

In this throwback “Vault” episode, members of The Bert Show share the inside scoop on a recent trip to Panama. What started as a spontaneous vacation aimed at seeing the Panama Canal became a fascinating story about the allure of Panama’s cities, nature, unexpected wildlife encounters, the real estate scene, and the subtle differences from its Central American neighbor, Costa Rica.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Panama? Getting There and First Impressions

• Flight Deals Spark Adventure

  • Bert and Jessica’s trip stemmed from finding cheap Delta flights ($375 roundtrip) ([01:29]).
  • South American destinations (Santiago, Buenos Aires) were too expensive, so Panama became the spontaneous choice.

• Initial Descriptions

  • “It looks like Costa Rica, but with Miami in the middle. And that’s Panama City.” — Host 1 ([01:05])
  • They flew into Panama City and headed to a chill, off-the-grid resort.

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2. Resort Life & The Panama Canal

• Relaxation Over Adventure
  • “There was no surfing, no marlin catching. It was just a chill out resort place with a killer pool… right on the beach and you could see the ships lining up for the Panama Canal off in the distance.” — Host 1 ([02:12])
• Nature and Boating
  • They toured the canal, saw ships, and marveled at the sheer scale and commercial power of the waterway.

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3. The Economics and Peculiarities of Panama City

• Canal Commerce
  • “Cargo ships pay anywhere from $200,000 to $450,000 to transit the canal… cash a day and a half before you go through!” — Host 1 ([03:10-03:25])
• Midtown High-Rises, But No Lights
  • Panama City is filled with high-rise apartments, but most lights are out at night: “People buy their homes, but they don't live there year-round… it’s creepy.” — Host 1 ([03:38])
• Americans Buying Property
  • Buying property as an American is easier in Panama compared to Costa Rica. “It’s very easy. Like, get a mortgage, buy it, you’re good to go.” ([04:27])

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4. Wildlife, Nature, and Unexpected Encounters

• Jungle & Wildlife Boat Tour
  • Spotted crocodiles and toucans ("it's like a flying beak" — Host 1, [04:53])
  • Memorable wildlife encounter:
    • “We pull up to this island… all of a sudden you hear a thud and there’s a monkey on the boat.” — Host 1 ([05:09])
    • Monkey leaped onto the boat, landed within 1.5 feet of Jessica. The moment spurred excitement and nervous jokes about getting too close for comfort.
    • “What if it gives me a hug? But what if it has rabies?” — Jessica, recalled by Host 1 ([06:06])

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5. Panama City vs. Typical ‘Big City’ Expectations

• City with Contrasts
  • “It’s a Miami, like, big city, horns honking, tons of cab traffic... But it’s... definitely a different standard of living. Every car has a cracked windshield or a dented fender. But the people are so nice and so cool.” — Host 1 ([06:47])
• Did They Love It?
  • “We definitely left saying we’ll go back.” — Host 1 ([07:16])

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6. On Travel in Panama & Local Secrets

• Future trips would focus more on local beaches, now knowing “which area the locals go to and which they don’t.”
• Cautionary hotel tip: “One hotel got put on the cover of a travel magazine and is now sold out for the next year… if you go there, it’s the worst customer service you’ll ever have.” — Host 1 ([08:01])

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Comparing Panama to Costa Rica:
  • "In Costa Rica, they’re not real creative. They're like five Playa Hermosas." — Host 2 ([01:26])
• On Flying Toucans:
  • "It's like Fruit Loops... but it's like a flying beak." — Host 1 ([04:51])
• On Panama City High-Rises:
  • "This enormous high rise, there’s like four lights on in it, but it’s sold out." — Host 1 ([03:42])
• On the Monkey Encounter:
  • “I think it's going to jump on you. What do I do? Like, it's a monkey. What if it gives me a hug? How cool is that? But what if it's got rabies?” — Jessica (recounted by Host 1, [06:06])

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Memorable Segment Timestamps

• [01:05]: Panama City described as “Costa Rica, but with Miami in the middle.”
• [02:12]: Details of the resort experience and canal views.
• [03:10]: Cargo ship canal economics.
• [04:53]: Seeing toucans and monkeys during the canal nature tour.
• [05:28]: The monkey jumps on the boat.
• [06:47]: Describing Panama City as a “different standard of living.”
• [07:16]: Hosts agree they'd return to Panama.
• [08:01]: Insider tip about hotel popularity and customer service.

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Tone & Style

Friendly, humorous, and candid — the episode balances informative travel storytelling with the hosts’ trademark banter and self-deprecating jokes. The vibe is accessible and enthusiastic, making the episode perfect for armchair travelers or anyone considering Panama as a destination.

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Summary Takeaways

• Panama earns high points for accessible adventure, fascinating mix of city and nature, and unique cultural quirks.
• Americans can easily buy property there, high-rise apartments are numerous but often empty, and certain resorts can become “too popular.”
• Nature — monkeys, toucans, crocodiles — provides unforgettable moments.
• The overall sentiment: “We’ll definitely go back.”

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For listeners interested in authentic travel stories with playful yet insightful perspectives, this episode delivers both entertainment and practical guidance on a spontaneous Central American adventure.

Transcript

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[Host 2]

I have no visual in my head at all of what Panama looks like.

[Host 1]

It looks like Costa Rica, but with Miami in the middle.

[Host 2]

Okay.

[Host 1]

And that's Panama City. First of all, did you send a tweet from Manzanillo? Yes, on the Caribbean side.

[Host 2]

On the Pacific side.

[Host 1]

Okay. Sort of thinking of two different places then, because there's a beach on the Caribbean side that would have been driving distance from where Jessica and I were.

[Host 2]

Oh, yeah. Oh, really?

[Host 1]

45 minutes away now, for whatever reason,

[Host 2]

in Costa Rica, they're not real creative. They're like five Playa Hermosas.

[Host 1]

Okay. So yeah, Jessica and I went to Panama. And honestly, the reason we went is because Delta had inexpensive flights. And I've always wanted to go through the canal, like see it, and go through the Panama Canal, which we got to do. And years ago, Jessica found a hotel there that looked really cool. So it was just in a folder. And we originally looked at going to South America and Santiago, Chile was on our list, so that worked out well. And also Buenos Aires was on our list and those tickets were crazy expensive. So we stumbled into Panama because it was 375 bucks to get there.

[Guest]

Oh, nice.

[Host 2]

That's a round trip to go get there.

[Host 1]

So we flew right into Panama City and then went to a resort outside of Panama City in the middle of, like nowhere and. And just chilled out. Like, there was no surfing, There was no marlin catching. It was just a chill out resort place with a killer pool. And it was right on the beach and you could see the ships lining up for the Panama Canal off in the distance. So that was neat. And there was the first half of the trip and then the first third of the trip. Then in the middle, we did some nature stuff, and we actually did a boat tour through the canal.

[Host 2]

Did you catch a marlin?

[Host 1]

Wouldn't that be great?

[Host 2]

Catch a marlin in the canal. Marlin jumped into the boat. On my tour, I didn't even want.

[Host 1]

I did actually think about going and doing, like, one of the fishing charters and just to see if I could.

[Host 2]

That would have been the biggest F you of your life. If you came home with a picture

[Host 1]

of a marlin, I would have. That thing would have been in my carry on. I would have been sticking out of either end. So. And then the middle of the trip, we did a bunch of nature stuff because Panama's got it all. It's got the city. Because, you know, ships that go through the Panama Canal, the cargo ships pay anywhere from 200 to $450,000 to transit the canal.

[Host 2]

Because that cuts off how much time? Because, I mean, weeks. Yeah. It saves them that much time.

[Host 1]

Yeah. And it's more. So it's 200 and so let's say $300,000 per ship. They do 40 cargo ships a day, and that's just cash. You have to pay that cash a day and a half before you go. You go through the canal. So they. So they have money there. And it's weird because the city of Panama City is all these high rises, but they're all dark. Mm. Because people buy their homes. You can buy an inexpensive home there, but they don't live there year round. So this enormous high rise, there's like four lights on in it, but it's sold out. And it's the whole thing. Yeah, it's full.

[Host 2]

Full.

[Host 1]

But there's four people. There's four people there that night, which is almost creepy.

[Host 2]

Well, it's like Terminus. Yeah, that's true.

[Host 1]

It's like Atlanta, all of Atlanta. So I think they could actually do a deal, buy a condo in Atlanta and get one in Panama City. But. So you can. As an American, you can buy property there easily. Because in Costa Rica, it's not the same way.

[Guest]

Right.

[Host 1]

It's pretty easy.

[Host 2]

I don't know. I don't even ask.

[Host 1]

Look, you can buy. It just depends on how you do the transaction. But Panama is very easy. Like, get a mortgage, buy it, you're good to go. And so in the middle of the trip, we did nature stuff and we took a boat out into the Panama Canal, saw a Crocodile and toucans flying, which is wild. Cause I've never seen a toucan fly. Like, you see the big bird. Yeah.

[Guest]

It's like Fruit Loops.

[Host 1]

Yeah. And it's. But it's like. It's like a flying beak.

[Guest]

That's great.

[Host 1]

So we saw that flying and then we pull up to this island because the guy, you know, you go out with these guides who can spot stuff, and there were a couple times where I pretended to see what he was pointing at. I'm like, oh, my God, that's great. No idea. He could have made it up. But we pull up to this island because the guy had spotted boats. And we're sitting there waiting and we're looking and we're looking and we're looking for the, you know, animals that he, you know, he said was on, you know, were on the island. And all of a sudden you hear a thud and there's a monkey on the boat.

[Host 2]

Oh, really?

[Host 1]

Yes. The monkey jumped. The monkey.

[Host 2]

I saw the twit pics that shot.

[Host 1]

Yeah, look, the monkey jumped on the boat. Oh, no way. Seriously? Two feet away from Jessica?

[Host 2]

Yeah. That's the weird thing about Central America. There are monkeys everywhere. You just. You turn around and there's a monkey in your bag. It's on a. It's on a chair next to you. Yeah. I mean, you have to. Sometimes you have to steer out of the way of them because they're all over the place.

[Host 1]

How big? I don't know. It was smaller than Sasha, bigger than goo goo. £15, maybe. I don't know. Just like very cuddly looking. And it was seriously a foot and a half away from Jessica. And it was all she could do not to reach out and, like, touch its hands. Don't touch it. Like it's some sort of domesticated animal. Yeah.

[Host 2]

Did you have to say to her literally, like, don't touch the monkey? No, but that you would get a kick at it?

[Host 1]

I think the woman behind. That's what she said. The woman behind her said, you know, on the boat was actually saying, I think it's going to jump on you. I think it's going to jump on you. And Jessica was in her mind, she said afterwards, thinking, well, what do I do? Like, it's a monkey. What if it gives me a hug? Like, how cool is that? But what if it's got rabies? So that was cool. And then the last third of the trip, we are in Panama City, which is weird because it's a Miami, like, big city, horns honking, tons of cab traffic, whatever. But it's, I don't want to say third world because Third world seems, you know, it's not, it's certainly not. It's not an American big city.

[Host 2]

Uh huh.

[Host 1]

Like, I mean there are definitely. It's, it's just a different standard of living. So it's pretty, I mean it's beat up and you know, the cars are all. Every car has a cracked windshield or a dented fender, broken light or whatever. And it's crowded and it's packed, but the people are so nice and so cool. And then we were in the city, we went, we actually took a boat through the Panama Canal from the city. So we did it all. It was just, we, I mean, we. It wasn't. There's nothing super exciting.

[Host 2]

Just what you wanted though.

[Host 1]

Yeah, we definitely left saying we'll go back. That's awesome. That's good.

[Host 2]

Don't you always say that you're going to go back and then you look at the map and you're like, the world is just too big. And to go back again to Costa Rica. Different part of Costa Rica. Yeah, different part of Costa Rica.

[Host 1]

But yeah, that's the thing with Panama is we pretty much stayed in the Pacific side, the south part of Panama, in the city and the canal and the nature preserve. But we found once you're there, you can actually do better research then. So like we knew now out of the three beach areas, we know which one the locals go to and which one they definitely don't go to and which one's good and bad. And the one thing that we learned was like one hotel got put on the COVID of a travel magazine and is now sold out for the next year.

[Host 2]

Oh wow.

[Host 1]

So if you go there, it's the worst customer service you'll ever have.

[Host 2]

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[Host 1]

They don't care.

[Host 2]

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