Vault: What is on her "dream" vending machine list?

Summary

The Bert Show Vault: "What is on her 'Dream' Vending Machine List?"

Release Date: July 23, 2026
Main Hosts: Wendy, Virt (The Bert Show team), and various cast members
Episode Theme: Exploring the perfect, imaginary vending machine — what dream foods would the team fill it with if anything were possible?

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Episode Overview

In this lighthearted, humor-filled episode, the Bert Show crew dives into a spirited conversation about what would go into their ideal "dream" vending machine. Spurred by Wendy’s snack cravings and some creative imagination, the segment quickly spirals from actual vending machine gripes to a fantasy food lineup — ranging from mozzarella sticks to fast-food favorites. Listeners and co-hosts chime in, leading to a fun, nostalgic mix of wishful thinking and fast-food debates.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Everyday Vending Machine Disappointment

• Wendy laments the lack of appealing snacks in the studio’s vending machine, noting that the options are predictable and uninspired.
  • "When I get in here at 4 o'clock, I mean there's nothing really good in the vending machine. There's like potato chips and crackers and there's a couple pop tarts. Woohoo." (01:07 — Wendy)
• The team jokes about the random junk often found, like pork rinds and stale chips, and who (if anyone) actually eats them.

Birth of the "Dream Vending Machine" List

• Wendy begins detailing her fantasy vending machine: it's a blend of what she’s craving, from fast food to comfort meals.
• The idea expands beyond practical vending parameters—no limitations!
  • "There's no rhyme or reason for making this list. I was just sitting here starving..." (01:59 — Wendy)
• The team riffs on how everything could be included, inspired by Japanese vending machines known for their quirky variety.

Wendy’s Must-Have Snacks & Meals

Wendy’s selections for her vending machine include:

• Mozzarella sticks (specifically the oozy, cheesy kind from Landmark Diner)
  "Mozzarella sticks in general, they gotta be the oozy kind, like Jen said." (03:09 — Wendy)
• Fried pickles (inspired by a Zaxby’s commercial)
• Guacamole & chips (prompting jokes about vending logistics)
• Grilled cheese sandwiches
• Stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut
• Arby’s Chicken Bacon Swiss sandwich (with curly fries, of course)
• KFC Mashed potato bowls (with gravy)

The Logistics: How Would This Actually Work?

• Co-hosts question the plausibility: how would fresh pizza or grilled cheese dispense from a machine?
• The mood is playful, pushing Wendy to dream bigger, referencing "The Jetsons" and Japanese high-tech vending.
  • "This is the biggest vending machine in the history of mainframe computers." (03:51 — Virt)
  • "What you're inventing right now is a TGI Fridays." (03:58 — F)
• The segment reflects a blend of playful teasing and support for Wendy's dreamy snack lineup.

Cross-Over Fast Food Paradise

• The hosts revisit an old idea: what if you could order the top item from any fast food menu at one spot?
  • "It's a fast food place where you can order the best item off of each menu...all on the same menu." (05:12 — Virt)
• Debates spark over iconic drinks: McDonald's fries vs Burger King’s Diet Coke, Chick-fil-A waffle fries, etc.

Listener Engagement & Real-World Vending Hacks

• A caller suggests that vending machine vendors can sometimes tailor offerings — but draws the line at hot, restaurant-quality fare.
  • "You can have your vending machine tailored to what you guys want." (06:09 — Caller)
• The crew jokes about the differences between real restaurant service (“Wendy, you just invented dining out!”), and whether breakfast foods should be available all day.
  • "Can your dream vending machine change over from breakfast to lunch?" (07:02 — G)
• Discussion around the frustrating cut-off times for breakfast items at major chains and the leftover oddities you sometimes get late-morning.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Dreaming Big:
  "Don't question it. In Japan, they have all sorts of crazy vending machines where you can get, like, anything you want." (02:34 — F)
• On Cheesy Perfection:
  "If you're gonna give me a mozzarella stick, you better load it up. It's gotta, like, some cheese, you know, rag from your mouth when you take a bite." (03:04 — G)
• On Cross-Menu Heaven:
  "If you dig McDonald's fries, there they are. But you like a Burger King Diet Coke...Arby's curly fries. All on the same menu." (05:19 — Virt)
• Mocking the 'Innovation':
  "Wendy just invented the concept of dining out!" (08:11 — F)
• On Impracticality:
  "I doubt a Dairy Queen Blizzard is going to fit in there." (06:32 — E)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• 01:07 – Wendy shares her vending machine woes and the motivation for her “dream” list.
• 02:09 – 04:13 – Deep-dive into Wendy’s fantasy vending items, with playful banter about feasibility.
• 05:18 – 05:44 – Introduction of the “Fast Food Plaza” concept — ultimate cross-restaurant vending.
• 06:09 – 06:41 – Caller offers insight into vending machine customization (and limitations).
• 07:02 – 07:37 – Breakfast vs. lunch vending machine debate and the pain of missed breakfast cut-off times.
• 08:06 – 08:22 – Reality check: is this just a restaurant? The team teases Wendy for “inventing” dining out.

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Tone & Atmosphere

• Style: Unfiltered, playful, and sarcastically supportive.
• Vibe: Fast-paced group banter; filled with inside jokes, friendly mockery, and food nostalgia.
• Takeaway: The episode captures the Bert Show’s signature blend of authenticity and humor, encouraging listeners to indulge in a little harmless escapism (and snack dreaming!).

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For anyone who loves fast food, inside radio banter, or just wishes their work vending machine was actually magical, this episode is a treat!

Transcript

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[Virt]

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[McDonald's Announcer]

All new drinks are now at McDonald's with refreshers like the strawberry watermelon refresher and the Mango pineapple refresher with popping boba. To crafted sodas like the Sprite berry blast with berry flavors and cold foam. Who knew ice cold drinks could be so fire six? All new drinks are here now at McDonald's.

[Virt]

Refreshers contain caffeine. It's the vert show. I will give credit to Wendy. She has changed the way I've been looking at the vending machine the last couple of days.

[Wendy]

I think I was just really hungry one afternoon and all we have in here is a vending machine. When I get in here at 4 o', clock, I mean there's nothing really good in the vending machine. There's like potato chips and crackers and there's a couple pop tarts. Woohoo. Can eat those up.

[E]

Popcorn and random stuff. Like I wish I could think like one or two random like, like pork rinds or something, you know, crazy.

[Virt]

Like almost like they had to fill the space and they just are like they just grab something like pork rinds, something crappy.

[F]

Yeah, look at that. Sometimes I go, who? I would like to stand there and see who orders that.

[Wendy]

Nobody. That's why it's still there. No, I think I was just starving and I wanted some like real substance of food. But I was stuck with this vending machine food that I couldn't choose from. So I came in here literally and Johnny O. Is in here with me in the afternoon and I started making my dream vending machine list.

[Virt]

Okay, so these are all of the greatest items in the vending machine.

[Wendy]

There's no rhyme or reason for making this list. I was just sitting here starving on what possibly could I go out and get at any fast food place or just at the grocery store in general.

[G]

So it's your hall of fame really?

[Wendy]

Kind of. But I think this is just what I wanted for the day. So this is what I would have in my vending machine of options to choose From.

[Virt]

So you're pulling from everywhere. You're pulling from fast food restaurants also. So, like, a Mickey D's fries would be on the top of the vending machine.

[Wendy]

None of this really goes together at all. Like, okay, for example, I have mozzarella sticks. Like, I just wanted.

[Virt]

How can you have mozzarella sticks in a vending machine?

[F]

Dude, don't question it.

[Virt]

My bad, my bad, my bad.

[F]

You know, in Japan, they have all sorts of crazy vending machines where you can get, like, anything you want.

[Virt]

Okay.

[Wendy]

Dream vending machine. This will never happen. Trust me. We'll never have this.

[E]

Wendy, don't stop her dream.

[F]

Yeah. Remain optimistic. Don't squash this before it exists.

[E]

Don't let bird get too.

[Virt]

I'm right there with you. With mozzarella sticks.

[F]

So a one mozzarella stick

[Virt]

specific place. Because there are some. I'm a mozzarella stick fan. And sometimes they just give you, like, the fried dough and they give you little itty bitty cheese. If you're gonna give me a mozzarella stick, you better load it up.

[G]

And it's gotta, like some cheese, you know, rag from your mouth when you take a bite.

[McDonald's Announcer]

Yes.

[Wendy]

I mean, I would say Landmark Diner, but that's after you're drunk. But those things are good. They make. They know how to make a good mozzarella sticks. I won't lie. So mozzarella sticks in general, they got to be the oozy kind, like Jen said. And then I went to fried pickles because, again, I was just hungry.

[Virt]

You were high as a cup.

[F]

I know.

[G]

Fried pickles are the best.

[Wendy]

Yeah, There was a Zagsby's commercial on at the time. And I was like, I could put some fried pickles in this vending machine. That sounds good. And then I went to Guacamole something.

[Virt]

Guacamole. You know, guacamole in a vending machine

[F]

just comes down like a handful.

[G]

Dream vending machine Vending machine.

[F]

Does that come with the chips or do you need more coins for the chips?

[Wendy]

You have to have more coins for the.

[Virt]

Yes.

[E]

This vending machine will keep everything fresh and good.

[Virt]

This is the biggest vending machine in the history of mainframe computers.

[G]

This is like the Jetsons. Just so you know, Jetsons, vending machines.

[F]

What you're inventing right now is a TGI Fridays.

[G]

Well, maybe they need to listen closely and create a vending machine.

[F]

Happy, happy, happy Birthday, birthday, birthday. It's TGI Friday, where I'm sitting in your booth.

[Wendy]

You have to push CE for that one. Right. That's a different number for somebody to pop out. Then I had grilled cheese, and then.

[F]

That's good.

[Wendy]

A cooked stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut.

[F]

Solid.

[Virt]

How is it gonna come out of the vending? How are you gonna get.

[G]

Would you stop limiting her imagination?

[Wendy]

This is.

[E]

What is wrong with you. Limitations. You're all about limitations.

[Virt]

How are you gonna get a whole piece out of vending machine?

[F]

You know what, Wendy?

[G]

Color outside of the lines every once in a while.

[E]

What's wrong with you?

[Wendy]

Gosh.

[G]

Do you.

[E]

Do your children? Do you talk to your kids?

[Virt]

The box is gonna get stuck between the window and the little curly thing.

[E]

What's wrong with you?

[Wendy]

No, I let my vending machine get better because then I saw an Arby' and I put chicken bacon Swiss in there.

[E]

What about the curly fries, though?

[Wendy]

Those were coming. Those were.

[E]

I'm sorry. I don't mean to jump ahead.

[Wendy]

That's down at deep. That's Dee Dee.

[F]

You know, Bert's gonna get stoned and call you. Hey, Wendy, where's that vending machine? Seriously?

[E]

Those are the double letters.

[Wendy]

So good. And then I have one of those mashed potato bowls from kfc.

[F]

Nice. With the gravy.

[G]

Yeah.

[Virt]

You know what this is? This isn't a vending machine. This is the concept that you and I came up with years and years ago.

[F]

The Fast Food Plaza.

[Virt]

It's a fast food place where you can order the best item off of each menu. So, like, if you dig McDonald's fries, there they are. You can just take those. But you like a Burger King Diet Coke. Whatever. You can order an item. Arby's, curly fries. All on the same menu.

[Wendy]

Yeah, we need to put a Burger King Diet Coke in there, because that would be on my dream drink machine. Because there's a difference between McDonald's Diet Coke and Burger King Diet Coke.

[E]

And then the Chick Fil A shakes.

[Virt]

Oh, and the Chick Fil A waffle fries, too. Man, it's so good.

[G]

Those are the best.

[Virt]

Here's Shirley.

[F]

Shirley.

[Virt]

Good Morning. You're on Q100. Hi.

[Caller]

Hello.

[F]

Yeah.

[Virt]

What's going on?

[Caller]

Oh, no. Good morning.

[E]

Good morning.

[Caller]

I just wanted to let you know that you can get with your vending machine guy and. Or female, and you can have your vending machine tailored to what you guys want.

[F]

Oh, really? Mashed potatoes, you think?

[Caller]

Yes.

[G]

Mozzarella sticks.

[Caller]

I dated a guy that had a vending machine service, and we did that for a few of our customers.

[Virt]

So at one point, then they come in there and they have, like, A catalog of items, and you can check off which ones you want for your own machine.

[Caller]

Yeah, you should be able to.

[E]

Yes, but I doubt if you want

[Caller]

healthier snacks in there, you should be able to get them, But I doubt

[E]

a Dairy Queen Blizzard is going to fit in there.

[F]

Okay.

[Caller]

Because that would be Norm McDonald's french fries.

[Virt]

Yeah, you could put that right next to the pizza.

[Caller]

But you should be able to get. With your vending machine service. And. And Taylor.

[Virt]

Is this a Joyce thing then? Is she the one that, like, wasted a space on, like, trail mix?

[F]

I don't think she even. I don't think most people even look at it.

[Caller]

I think.

[E]

No, it's just the morning shows that

[Wendy]

eat out of the vending machine.

[G]

Hey, Wendy, can your dream vending machine change over from breakfast to lunch?

[Wendy]

Oh, we should do that. Because I was just at the vending machine and all I wanted was, like, a bacon, egg, and cheese McMuffin. And that's not in there.

[Virt]

And you can't believe it to go look.

[G]

Can you serve them past 11?

[Wendy]

Oh, yeah, definitely. We've got to.

[G]

I really think the changeover should be at noon. And I don't know why most of them do it so early.

[F]

Some of them do it at 10:30.

[G]

10:30? I mean, really?

[Wendy]

Vending machines.

[F]

And then you gotta ask them, what breakfast stuff do you have left? And, like, we've got two burritos. We got an egg McMuffin with a bite out of it and have a hash brown that was on the floor. But just for a second, I'm like, give me it all. Yeah, I'll take it all.

[Virt]

And they get really hardcore about it, too. Like, right at 10:30, man, that's it. It's all gone. Right, Jamie, go ahead. I got about 30 seconds. What's going on?

[Caller]

Hi, I was just calling to say. I was listening. And there is a store. I don't know the name of it, but in New York, there is a restaurant where there's a kitchen inside in the back, and you can actually put money in. And you can see all of the different items. Cheeseburgers and fries, steak sandwiches, everything that's called McDonald's. It's a real restaurant.

[Virt]

And that you need. Wendy, that's yours, man.

[G]

I know.

[Wendy]

We need it in this building.

[F]

Wendy just invented the concept of dining out. Oh, my God, that's so great. And somebody comes to your table and you give them money, and then they bring you what you ordered. Holy crap. I'm going to invent that.

[Bluff]

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[Virt]

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[McDonald's Announcer]

All new drinks are now at McDonald's with refreshers like the Strawberry Watermelon Refresher and the Mango Pineapple Refresher with Popping Boba to crafted sodas like the Sprite Berry Blast with berry flavors and cold foam. Who knew ice cold drinks could be so fire six? All new drinks are here now at McDonald's.

[Virt]

Refreshers contain caffeine.