Vault: What Strange Item Did You Find In Your Parents House?

Summary

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The Bert Show – “Vault: What Strange Item Did You Find in Your Parents’ House?”

Date: January 5, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this engaging and laugh-filled episode, The Bert Show cast (including Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and more) opens up the phone lines to listeners with one simple, hilarious question: What strange/scandalous item did you discover while snooping around in your parents’ house? The segment is playful, candid, occasionally cringeworthy, and packed with funny stories from both the cast and listeners ranging from innocent mishaps to awkward, unforgettable discoveries.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

• Why Do We Snooping in Parents’ Things?

  • The segment is inspired by a recent headline about Michael Jackson, sparking conversation about what can happen when kids explore off-limit parental territory.
  • The cast and callers agree: curiosity usually outweighs the risk— but you better be ready for what you find! (01:34–02:18)

• Listener Stories: Most Bizarre (and Scarring) Finds

  • Mom Borrowing Daughter’s Lingerie
    • “I found out about five years after I was missing my lingerie that she was entertaining my dad with it.”
      — Ashley, Caller (02:18)
    • Double shock: not only did Ashley’s mother snoop her drawers, but poor Ashley found her things in her parents’ room. Awkward for all involved.
  • Pen with Risqué Animation
    • “My dad had an ink pen and if it had a lady on in a bathing suit and if you turned it upside down, she got naked.” — Ashley (02:50)
    • The hosts agreed: parent stashes can be a Pandora’s box of mortification.
  • Crotchless Panties and Condoms at Age Seven
    • “I’m seven years old, I’m trying to figure the other appendage. And then I put it together.” — Tasha, Caller (03:23)
    • Childhood confusion meets adult discovery. The panel recoils; everyone laughs in shared horror.
  • A Used Condom Under the Pillow
    • “One day after school, I went in my mom’s room and I came across a used condom under her pillow.” — Michelle, Caller (03:45; 03:53)
    • Hosts react viscerally; Bert puts it best: “That’s like something that gets burned on your retina and every now and again when you close your eyes, it’s there.” (04:08)
  • “Joy of Sex” Book and Repeated Curiosity
    • “I found their Joy of Sex book...I didn’t just find it one time and never go back.” — Unnamed Caller (04:14–04:41)
    • The allure of forbidden knowledge— and hairy 70s-style illustrations! — proves irresistible.

• Christmas Presents and Not-So-Bad Fines

  • Bert shares the mildest tale: the only thing he ever found was Christmas presents, disappointing both young Bert and the hosts who expected something spicier. (04:44–05:10)
  • “You got to become like Leonardo DiCaprio on Christmas morning and giving them an Academy Award presentation.” — [Host] (05:10)

• Awkward Toys & Innocent Explanations

  • Discovery of an “Adult Toy”
    • “I opened my aunt’s drawer and I found her toy.” — Carlet, Caller (05:20)
    • Her young cousins ended up asking for a massage with it, hilariously ratting her out weeks later. (05:41–06:02)
  • Cassette Tapes Taken for “Satanic” Content
    • “They had taken some of my cassette tapes because they thought they were satanic...it was White Snake and Def Leppard. That’s all it was.” — Carlet (06:07; 06:15–06:23)
    • Hosts and callers giggle at the overzealous protection from rock music.

• Hiding Music & TV from Parents

  • Panelists reminisce about which music or TV they were banned from at home.
    • “I had to take a Samantha Fox poster down.” — Bert (06:36)
    • “My parents didn’t want me to listen to KISS because the acronym was Knights in Satan’s Service.” — [Host] (07:10)
    • Laughter ensues about creative cassette tape alterations to sneak rebellious tunes.
    • “We also hid 2 Live Crew as nasty as they want to be...I listen to it now, I’m like, that stuff is nasty.” — [Host] (07:17)
    • Bert: “I was banned from watching Goodfellas in the house, like, at age 14, 15.” (07:40)

• Secret Stashes—Drugs and “Stealthy Holders”

  • Bag of Weed in a Duck-Shaped Container
    • “I found a bag of weed also...I didn’t know what it was, but it was in this weird little duck-looking thing.” — Imani, Caller (08:18–08:20)
    • Classic hot-potato mystery: she only found out by taking it to her friends.
  • Children and the “Singing Ding Dong”
    • “My husband heard this buzzing noise...he looked in her door and she had this microphone stand. And in the microphone stand was a toy...she said, ‘I’m playing with the singing Ding Dong.’” — Neely, Caller (08:47–09:28)
    • A dad’s horror at his four-year-old using his mic stand for “singing”—with decidedly adult equipment.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On protecting your secrets:
  “As a parent, you have to make sure that everything that you don’t want them to see is somewhere they’re not going to see us because they will find us.” — Ashley, Caller (02:18)

• On traumatizing discoveries:
  “That’s like something that gets burned on your retina and every now and again when you close your eyes, it’s there.” — Bert (04:08)

• On musical mischief:
  “We also hid 2 Live Crew...I listen to it now, I’m like, that stuff is nasty.” — [Host] (07:17)

• On the creativity of parental concealment:
  “They had a drawer under their waterbed and I found a bag of weed...in this weird little duck looking thing.” — Imani, Caller (08:18)

• The innocence of kids… and their horrifying honesty:
  “She said, ‘I’m playing with the singing Ding Dong.’ He was absolutely mortified.” — Neely, Caller (09:28)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:34–02:18 — Setting up the “Michael Jackson” angle and segue to parents’ hidden secrets
• 02:18–03:13 — First round of shocking discoveries (lingerie, novelty pen, crotchless panties)
• 03:41–04:14 — The used condom & psychological scars
• 04:14–04:41 — Finding “The Joy of Sex” book
• 04:44–05:10 — Bert’s anti-climactic discovery—Christmas presents
• 05:20–06:23 — The “toy” confusion and satanic cassettes
• 06:33–07:17 — Hiding music and forbidden pop culture
• 07:40–07:51 — Banned movies (Goodfellas)
• 08:11–08:20 — Bag of weed found in a duck-shaped holder
• 08:47–09:28 — “Singing Ding Dong” microphone stand chaos

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Tone & Atmosphere

The conversation is irreverent, confessional, supportive, and full of good-natured ribbing. The hosts encourage candor and amplify both the hilarity and the cringe, lightly teasing each other and their callers. The stories blend humor and secondhand embarrassment, making for a relatable and engaging listen.

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In Short:
This episode delivers a comical, cringe-worthy walk down memory lane of parental secrets, childhood curiosity, and the inevitable moment you realize: sometimes, you’d rather not know what’s in that drawer. A must-listen for anyone who’s ever stumbled on their family’s secrets—or hidden a few themselves.

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Transcript

[Bert]

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[Caller 1]

The Birch show all right.

[Caller 2]

Good morning, Ashley. The question we're asking here is we're kind of like spinning off from the Michael Jackson scenario here because now Michael Jackson is claiming that the kid that is claiming he was sexually molested. Is that the word I'm looking for here by Michael Jackson? Michael's camp is saying, look, all the stuff was in the house. Yeah, but you know, when Michael was out, the kid was in his dresser drawers and he was in his closet and he found all this stuff himself. So I think at one point or another, everybody in their childhood or young life has gone through their parents dresser drawers or through the closet once they leave the house to see what you can find. And in some cases you have to. You have to be careful about what you ask for because you usually find really, really strange stuff in there. Good morning, Ashley.

[Caller 3]

Good morning. Hi. How are you? First of all, I would like to say as a parent, you have to make sure that everything that you don't want them to see is somewhere they're not going to see us because they will find us. My mom, I found out about five years after I was missing my lingerie that she was entertaining my dad with it. She took all my lingerie.

[Caller 1]

So she went through your dresser drawers?

[Caller 3]

Yes.

[Caller 2]

And then you went through hers and found yours?

[Caller 3]

Yes.

[Caller 1]

Oh, no.

[Caller 3]

To think that also my dad had an ink pen and if it had a lady on in a bathing suit and if you turned it upside down, she got naked.

[Bert]

Right?

[Caller 1]

Yeah.

[Caller 3]

That's disgusting. So you gotta be careful just to.

[Caller 2]

Think that your mom was wearing your laundry while your dad's all over your mom's creepy nasty.

[Caller 1]

No, no, no, no, no. That's gross.

[Caller 2]

Good morning, Tasha. You're on all the hits Q100.

[Caller 3]

I went through my parents drawers once and I found wads of cash, crotchless panties and condoms.

[Caller 1]

Crotchless panties?

[Caller 3]

Crotchless panties. I'm seven years old. I'm trying to fig the other appendage. And then I put it together.

[Caller 2]

It's just a. It's. It's a thought. You do not want in your mind that your mom is wearing that. Good morning, Michelle. You're on all the hits Q100.

[Caller 3]

Good morning, Virtual. I love you guys.

[Caller 2]

Thank you.

[Caller 3]

Well, one day after school, I went in my mom's room and I came across a used condom under her pillow.

[Caller 1]

Oh, that's bad. That's bad.

[Caller 3]

11 years old, that was experience.

[Caller 4]

Oh my gosh.

[Caller 2]

And as an 11 year old, you keep that information sacred for the rest of your life, I'm guessing.

[Caller 3]

Yeah, I'll never forget it.

[Caller 4]

I bet.

[Bert]

Yeah, that's like. That's like something that gets burned on your retina and every now and again when you close your eyes, it's there.

[Caller 4]

I found something in my parents nightstand that I don't think I ever told them about. Not nearly as bad as the condom story we just heard. But I found their Joy of Sex book.

[Caller 1]

The Joy of Sex, which has these.

[Caller 4]

Like really, really hairy illustrations ins. But it's so, you know, it's so intriguing when you're young because that's like just this world you don't know about. So yeah, I went back and looked at it a lot.

[Caller 1]

We found.

[Caller 4]

I didn't just find it one Time and never go back.

[Bert]

The only thing I found ever found in my parents class, I found my Christmas presents one year.

[Caller 2]

No, that's a bummer.

[Bert]

Yeah. And I was looking for something and I found them accidentally. Like I told like was totally looking for something else and just went into my mom's closet. It was like boxes of something were in there, I don't remember what it was. And I opened it up and it was like they were bad hiding job. I knew my dad hit them because they were right. Like in front of something that I would legitimately have to go in that closet for. And I was awesome.

[Caller 2]

Then you got to become like Leonardo DiCaprio on Christmas morning and giving them an academy award presentation, you know. Good morning, Carlet. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller 3]

Good morning, guys.

[Caller 1]

Hello.

[Caller 3]

It wasn't actually my parents. It was my aunt and uncle. I lived with him when I was in eighth grade and they had taken some of my cassette tapes and hidden them because they thought they were satanic. But anyway, me and my two little cousins, and they were both under probably, I guess the age of six, went looking through their parents room. Well, I opened my aunt's drawer and I found her toy.

[Caller 2]

Oh, you're how old at this point?

[Caller 3]

I was in eighth grade. So what is that, 12, 13 maybe.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Caller 4]

Did you know what it was?

[Caller 3]

Not really. I mean I kind of. Kind of put together what it was. Well, they asked and I told them it was a massager. Well, you know, a couple weeks later they tell their mother they want a massage with her massager.

[Caller 2]

Oh no.

[Caller 3]

We got busted.

[Caller 4]

Oops. Kids will say the darndest things.

[Bert]

They will.

[Caller 3]

They most certainly will.

[Caller 2]

I'm a little more curious. On the first part of our conversation with you, you said that you had your cassettes taken away from you because your parents were convinced they were satanic.

[Caller 3]

Well, yeah, it was my aunt and uncle, but I must come from a Southern Baptist family and it was White Snake and Def Leppard. That's all it was.

[Caller 2]

They might have been right.

[Caller 4]

Yeah, that's funny.

[Commercial Announcer]

Thank you.

[Caller 3]

Yeah, they took them from me. Thanks. Have a good day.

[Caller 4]

That's a whole other conversation is what did you have to. What music did you have to hide from your parents?

[Caller 2]

Absolute or what television show were you banned from watching?

[Bert]

I remember I had to take a Samantha Fox poster down.

[Caller 1]

Remember her?

[Caller 2]

Oh yeah.

[Caller 1]

Naughty Girls need love too. Prince, 1999. Because the COVID art, the one in 1999, was like their aunt's toy.

[Caller 2]

Oh, really?

[Bert]

Why are you Laughing at me.

[Caller 4]

I just think it's funny I hadn't thought of that song in forever.

[Bert]

Naughty girls need love too. And I can remember the poster. It was her in a circle in the middle, and then four pictures of her with, like, different color backgrounds. Like a yellow and a blue and a red and a green and then a thing, and it's like. Like, Samantha Fox and neon pink at the bottom.

[Caller 1]

Samantha Fox.

[Caller 2]

I know my parents didn't want me to listen to KISS because the acronym for KISS was Knights and Satan's Service.

[Caller 1]

Oh, right, of course. And if you're part of the KISS.

[Caller 4]

Army, then we had to hide Guns N Roses. Use your illusions one and two. We hid both of those. And we also hid two Live Crew as nasty as they want to be. Do you remember that album? I remember putting? I had, like, leftover stickers from my mixtapes, and I remember putting those blank stickers over. The 2 Live crew on the cassette were still listening. And I listen to it now. I'm like, that stuff is nasty.

[Bert]

I was banned from watching Goodfellas in the house, like, at age 14, 15.

[Caller 1]

Parents showed good sense because there's so.

[Bert]

Much profanity in there. And they were like, no, no, no.

[Caller 2]

Hey, Imani, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller 3]

Hey, good morning, guys.

[Caller 2]

Good morning. You'll be the last call. What's up?

[Caller 3]

Okay, Bert, first of all, I want to say you and me must be related, because my parents, when I was about 7 or 8, I looked under the dresser. They had a big, huge waterbed. They had a drawer under there, and I found a bag of weed also.

[Caller 2]

You're just so shocked at that age. Like, I was in high school.

[Caller 4]

So you knew what it was?

[Caller 2]

I knew what it was, sure.

[Caller 4]

How old were you when you found it?

[Caller 3]

I was about 7.

[Caller 4]

Did you know what it was?

[Caller 3]

I didn't know what it was, but it was in this weird little duck looking thing. It had, like, a back of something that you lifted it up and it was in there. And I was like, okay, what is this? And I remember going to school and asking, you know, just my little friends and.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, asking your teachers. Asking your teachers.

[Caller 4]

Yeah, they're like, that's the stealthy weed holder, bro.

[Caller 1]

Seven.

[Commercial Announcer]

Yeah.

[Caller 1]

At age six.

[Caller 2]

Neely, what's up?

[Caller 3]

Hey. First of all, I'm like, all the other callers, I love you guys. I listen to you every morning. But when my daughter was about four years old, she was home with my husband, and she was playing in her room, and my husband heard this buzzing noise. And he yelled, you know, caitlin, what are you doing? And she said, oh, I'm playing, I'm playing. And he kept hearing this buzzing noise. Well, he got up and he went and he looked in her door and she had this microphone stand. And in the microphone stand was a toy. And what's funny is he said, kalem, what are you doing? And she said, I'm playing with the singing Ding Dong.

[Caller 1]

Oh my God.

[Caller 3]

Yes. He was absolutely mortified.

[Caller 2]

Beautiful way to end this. Thank you for calling.

[Caller 1]

You're welcome.

[Caller 3]

Have a good day.

[Caller 2]

Bye bye.

[Bert]

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[Commercial Announcer]

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