The Bert Show – “Vault: What Strange Item Did You Find in Your Parents’ House?”

Date: January 5, 2026

Episode Overview

In this engaging and laugh-filled episode, The Bert Show cast (including Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and more) opens up the phone lines to listeners with one simple, hilarious question: What strange/scandalous item did you discover while snooping around in your parents’ house? The segment is playful, candid, occasionally cringeworthy, and packed with funny stories from both the cast and listeners ranging from innocent mishaps to awkward, unforgettable discoveries.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

• Why Do We Snooping in Parents’ Things?

  • The segment is inspired by a recent headline about Michael Jackson, sparking conversation about what can happen when kids explore off-limit parental territory.
  • The cast and callers agree: curiosity usually outweighs the risk— but you better be ready for what you find! (01:34–02:18)

• Listener Stories: Most Bizarre (and Scarring) Finds

  • Mom Borrowing Daughter’s Lingerie
    • “I found out about five years after I was missing my lingerie that she was entertaining my dad with it.”
      — Ashley, Caller (02:18)
    • Double shock: not only did Ashley’s mother snoop her drawers, but poor Ashley found her things in her parents’ room. Awkward for all involved.
  • Pen with Risqué Animation
    • “My dad had an ink pen and if it had a lady on in a bathing suit and if you turned it upside down, she got naked.” — Ashley (02:50)
    • The hosts agreed: parent stashes can be a Pandora’s box of mortification.
  • Crotchless Panties and Condoms at Age Seven
    • “I’m seven years old, I’m trying to figure the other appendage. And then I put it together.” — Tasha, Caller (03:23)
    • Childhood confusion meets adult discovery. The panel recoils; everyone laughs in shared horror.
  • A Used Condom Under the Pillow
    • “One day after school, I went in my mom’s room and I came across a used condom under her pillow.” — Michelle, Caller (03:45; 03:53)
    • Hosts react viscerally; Bert puts it best: “That’s like something that gets burned on your retina and every now and again when you close your eyes, it’s there.” (04:08)
  • “Joy of Sex” Book and Repeated Curiosity
    • “I found their Joy of Sex book...I didn’t just find it one time and never go back.” — Unnamed Caller (04:14–04:41)
    • The allure of forbidden knowledge— and hairy 70s-style illustrations! — proves irresistible.

• Christmas Presents and Not-So-Bad Fines

  • Bert shares the mildest tale: the only thing he ever found was Christmas presents, disappointing both young Bert and the hosts who expected something spicier. (04:44–05:10)
  • “You got to become like Leonardo DiCaprio on Christmas morning and giving them an Academy Award presentation.” — [Host] (05:10)

• Awkward Toys & Innocent Explanations

  • Discovery of an “Adult Toy”
    • “I opened my aunt’s drawer and I found her toy.” — Carlet, Caller (05:20)
    • Her young cousins ended up asking for a massage with it, hilariously ratting her out weeks later. (05:41–06:02)
  • Cassette Tapes Taken for “Satanic” Content
    • “They had taken some of my cassette tapes because they thought they were satanic...it was White Snake and Def Leppard. That’s all it was.” — Carlet (06:07; 06:15–06:23)
    • Hosts and callers giggle at the overzealous protection from rock music.

• Hiding Music & TV from Parents

  • Panelists reminisce about which music or TV they were banned from at home.
    • “I had to take a Samantha Fox poster down.” — Bert (06:36)
    • “My parents didn’t want me to listen to KISS because the acronym was Knights in Satan’s Service.” — [Host] (07:10)
    • Laughter ensues about creative cassette tape alterations to sneak rebellious tunes.
    • “We also hid 2 Live Crew as nasty as they want to be...I listen to it now, I’m like, that stuff is nasty.” — [Host] (07:17)
    • Bert: “I was banned from watching Goodfellas in the house, like, at age 14, 15.” (07:40)

• Secret Stashes—Drugs and “Stealthy Holders”

  • Bag of Weed in a Duck-Shaped Container
    • “I found a bag of weed also...I didn’t know what it was, but it was in this weird little duck-looking thing.” — Imani, Caller (08:18–08:20)
    • Classic hot-potato mystery: she only found out by taking it to her friends.
  • Children and the “Singing Ding Dong”
    • “My husband heard this buzzing noise...he looked in her door and she had this microphone stand. And in the microphone stand was a toy...she said, ‘I’m playing with the singing Ding Dong.’” — Neely, Caller (08:47–09:28)
    • A dad’s horror at his four-year-old using his mic stand for “singing”—with decidedly adult equipment.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On protecting your secrets:
  “As a parent, you have to make sure that everything that you don’t want them to see is somewhere they’re not going to see us because they will find us.” — Ashley, Caller (02:18)

• On traumatizing discoveries:
  “That’s like something that gets burned on your retina and every now and again when you close your eyes, it’s there.” — Bert (04:08)

• On musical mischief:
  “We also hid 2 Live Crew...I listen to it now, I’m like, that stuff is nasty.” — [Host] (07:17)

• On the creativity of parental concealment:
  “They had a drawer under their waterbed and I found a bag of weed...in this weird little duck looking thing.” — Imani, Caller (08:18)

• The innocence of kids… and their horrifying honesty:
  “She said, ‘I’m playing with the singing Ding Dong.’ He was absolutely mortified.” — Neely, Caller (09:28)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:34–02:18 — Setting up the “Michael Jackson” angle and segue to parents’ hidden secrets
• 02:18–03:13 — First round of shocking discoveries (lingerie, novelty pen, crotchless panties)
• 03:41–04:14 — The used condom & psychological scars
• 04:14–04:41 — Finding “The Joy of Sex” book
• 04:44–05:10 — Bert’s anti-climactic discovery—Christmas presents
• 05:20–06:23 — The “toy” confusion and satanic cassettes
• 06:33–07:17 — Hiding music and forbidden pop culture
• 07:40–07:51 — Banned movies (Goodfellas)
• 08:11–08:20 — Bag of weed found in a duck-shaped holder
• 08:47–09:28 — “Singing Ding Dong” microphone stand chaos

Tone & Atmosphere

The conversation is irreverent, confessional, supportive, and full of good-natured ribbing. The hosts encourage candor and amplify both the hilarity and the cringe, lightly teasing each other and their callers. The stories blend humor and secondhand embarrassment, making for a relatable and engaging listen.

In Short:
This episode delivers a comical, cringe-worthy walk down memory lane of parental secrets, childhood curiosity, and the inevitable moment you realize: sometimes, you’d rather not know what’s in that drawer. A must-listen for anyone who’s ever stumbled on their family’s secrets—or hidden a few themselves.