The Bert Show: Vault - "What Ugly Celebrity Do You Look Like?"

Date: January 15, 2026
Episode Overview:
In this playful and self-deprecating segment, the cast of The Bert Show, joined by callers and guests, shares hilarious personal anecdotes about being told they resemble less-than-glamorous celebrities. What starts as a lighthearted exploration of doppelgängers turns into a cathartic session of self-reflection and laughter, as listeners chime in with their own surprisingly unflattering "celebrity lookalike" stories. The conversation stays candid, fast-paced, and full of witty banter that's both relatable and entertaining.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Awkwardness of Backhanded Compliments

• [01:39] Host Birch opens with the universal hope that being compared to a celebrity means being compared to someone attractive, not an "ugly" or unconventional celebrity.
• [01:51] Jeff wonders why people would casually make unflattering comparisons:

  "Why would you go up to Jeff and say, man, you look like Chris Farley?" – Jeff ([01:51])

• The group jokes about how these comments are often attempted "compliments," but rarely land well.

Callers Share Their "Ugly" Celebrity Lookalikes

• Candace's Barbra Streisand Story

  • [02:01] First caller, Candace, shares that she's been told she looks like Barbra Streisand. She isn’t convinced it’s flattering:

    "A lot of older people think, you know, she's really beautiful. And so they're like, no, that's a compliment, but I'm just not seeing it." – Candace ([02:09])

  • Phil interjects with a zinger: “A lot of older people have glaucoma too.” – Phil ([02:18])

• Emmanuel Lewis Comparison

  • [02:42] Another caller, Candace (different from above), describes being a tall woman told she resembles Emmanuel Lewis (Webster):

    "I'm like six feet tall, right? And people always tell me I look like Emmanuel Lewis, AKA Webster." – Candace ([02:42])

  • The cast tries to assure her they’re not laughing "at" her, but quickly admit:

    "No, we are. We're laughing at you." – Host (Birch) ([03:04])

• Chris Farley & Kevin James Syndrome

  • [03:26] Guest George and the guys discuss how "big funny guys" always get compared to Chris Farley or Kevin James:

    "I think if you're bigger and you're funny, they gotta, you know, associate you with a fat comedian." – Guest George ([03:43])

  • Phil shares:

    "I've gotten Carney Wilson before the surgery. They've given me that. So I think it's just a big person thing. Mama Cass." – Phil ([03:50])

• Mayim Bialik & Blossom Mix-Up

  • [04:06] Another Candace says she’s been compared to Mayim Bialik from "Blossom," which doesn't thrill her or Phil.

    "I always get her and Punky Brewster mixed up because one of them's hot now." – Host (Birch) ([04:12])
    "Punky Brewster is hot." – Phil ([04:15])

• Ricki Lake and Carney Wilson

  • [04:27] Kelly calls in, having been compared to "the thin Ricki Lake, which is non-existent," and Carney Wilson—neither of which are compliments in the context.

• Rosie O'Donnell Revelation

  • [05:20] Another caller, Kelly, found comparisons to Rosie O'Donnell especially "devastating," feeling she "looked absolutely nothing like her".

The Bar, The Buzz, and The Disappointment

• [04:54] The group acknowledges the particular pain of being told you look like an "ugly" celebrity in a bar, often by well-meaning but drunk strangers:

  "You know that time period where someone says you look like, you look like and you're hoping for somebody that's really good looking and they come out with Carney Wilson. It just ruins it." – Host (Birch) ([04:40])

  • Jeff mocks the redemptive, over-apologetic follow-ups that never get better:

    "Then come up with somebody else that is just as bad." – Jeff ([05:08])

Innocent Kids Say the Darndest (and Most Brutal) Things

• [06:11] A mom, Casey, tells how her four-year-old son told a stranger in the grocery store he looked "just like Shrek," to the man’s irritation.
  • The cast laughs about the innocence (and immunity) of kids, with Birch reflecting:

    "Every time my kid sees... an older man with a beard and a mustache, he yells out Santa Claus. Every single time." – Host (Birch) ([06:33])

  • Phil clarifies the difference:

    "Santa Claus is like a legendary American folklore. And Shrek is an animated green ogre." – Phil ([06:49])

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "No, we are. We're laughing at you." – Host (Birch) ([03:04])
• "A lot of older people have glaucoma too." – Phil ([02:18])
• "I think if you're bigger and you're funny, they gotta, you know, associate you with a fat comedian." – Guest George ([03:43])
• "I've been told that I look like Rosie O', Donnell, which was extremely devastating..." – Caller Kelly ([05:20])
• "Every time my kid sees... an older man with a beard and a mustache, he yells out Santa Claus. Every single time. There's nothing you can do about it." – Host (Birch) ([06:33])

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment Description | |-----------|-----------------------------------------------------| | 01:39 | Show intro and theme: awkward celebrity lookalikes | | 02:01 | Barbra Streisand “compliment” story from Candace | | 02:42 | Tall woman compared to Emmanuel Lewis (“Webster”) | | 03:26 | Big guys always get Chris Farley or Kevin James | | 04:06 | Compared to Mayim Bialik/Blossom | | 04:27 | “Thin Ricki Lake” & Carney Wilson comparisons | | 05:20 | Devastation of being compared to Rosie O'Donnell | | 06:11 | 4-year-old calls stranger Shrek in the store | | 06:33 | Kids' “immunity” for calling people out (Santa vs. Shrek) |

Tone & Style

The episode is fast, loose, and playful, mixing honest self-reflection with sharp, sometimes darkly comic wit. The Bert Show cast members, their guests, and callers are quick to poke fun at themselves and each other, taking unflattering comparisons in stride, and reminding listeners that laughing at life’s little indignities is sometimes the best response.

Takeaway

If you’ve ever been compared to someone you’d rather not resemble, you’re in good (and hilarious) company. The Bert Show proves that, whether those comments are clueless, mean-spirited, or just wildly inaccurate, the best thing to do is laugh—and maybe share your story on air.