Podcast Summary: The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: Whatever You Do, Don't Lift The Toilet Seat
Date: March 3, 2026

Overview

This episode dives into a bizarre and hilarious real-life “potty horror story” involving unusual toilet discoveries and the very real (and only slightly irrational) fears they inspire. What starts as a funny anecdote from a producer, Lindell, about being warned by her boyfriend not to lift a toilet seat, spirals into a group therapy session on all the creepy things that might lurk beneath the porcelain surface. The cast swaps stories about rodents, snakes, and other critters making surprising bathroom appearances, all while serving up their signature authenticity and humor. Listeners call in with their own unsettling encounters, making for a morning radio show that’s relatable, laugh-out-loud funny, and mildly terrifying for anyone about to use a public restroom.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Lindell’s Boyfriend’s Mysterious Warning

• [00:45] Host (C) asks Lindell (B) about an unresolved story from a previous meeting: “Don’t lift up the lid. Why?”
• [01:07] Lindell reveals her boyfriend warned her not to lift the toilet seat in his private bathroom.
• [01:41] Lindell: “Of course. I was like, ew, what did you do? And couldn’t flush…”
• Relationship context: Lindell and her boyfriend have been together for over two years, so sharing bathroom disasters seems within bounds.
• The group teases Lindell’s inability to resist a good “radio tease” and her curiosity.

2. The Surprise in the Toilet

• [03:07] Lindell: “So we go into the bathroom, and I make him lift up the toilet seat, and lo and behold…there’s a little mouse, and he’s swimming.”
• The cast erupts in shock and fascination; a mouse had apparently surfaced in the toilet.
• Lindell theorizes that the cats in the house would have easily dispatched the mouse if they’d known.

3. How Do Critters Get in There?

• [04:02] Lindell did some research: “If you don’t have a septic tank and are connected to the sewer line, rodents come up through the toilet floor. It happens to people all the time.”
• [08:10] Caller describes how rats use laterals in sewer lines to access toilets: “If you see a rat, he’ll make a right or a left and haul butt up the lateral… you’ll turn a camera, and all of a sudden, you’ll see Whiskers looking at you.”
• The cast expresses horror at the idea and shares their growing paranoia about sitting on toilets.

4. Dealing with the Mouse—and What NOT to Do

• [05:54] Lindell: “You can try and flush it back out, but it needs some liquid detergent to help it slide through the pipes. But…it did not work because our little rat was a little bit too big.”
• Team debates the ethics and logistics:
  • Some would try to kill it (“I’d drown it and kill it.” — C, [07:05])
  • Some (D) would use “a couple of wooden spoons that I’d never tell Jessica I used,” likening extraction to “the Olive Garden salad.”
  • No one wants to touch it, and PETA jokes are made about greasing a mouse and sending it back down.

5. The Ongoing Toilet Anxiety

• [04:46] Lindell: “Now every time I go to the bathroom…I have to check. Because I’m afraid something will bite my butt.”
• This morphs into ongoing jokes and collective paranoia:
  • “I can’t tell you how disturbed I am that you can sit down and not know what’s in the toilet.” — C, [05:32]
  • The possibility of something biting “your bum” is a recurring theme, escalating with an infamous soundbite:
    • [05:00, 05:13, 10:19, 11:15] G: “He bit me in my vagina, two times he bite me.”

6. Listener Call-Ins: Rats, Snakes, Possums, and More

• [07:54] Doug, a city repair professional: “There’s always rats in the sewer…they run up the laterals to the house.”
• [09:09] Becky: Ongoing joke in her town after her aunt found a possum in the toilet.
• [10:23] Kathy: Her mother discovered a snake’s head poking out of the toilet at night.
• Repeated advice: always turn on lights and inspect the toilet before sitting down.

7. The Social and Psychological Impact

• [04:28] Now the cast and listeners feel compelled to check every toilet, everywhere.
• [10:05] J (wildlife removal expert): “You’d be shocked at how many people have roof rats living in their houses.”
• [10:14] The real fear isn’t roof rats—it’s what’s hiding under the toilet seat.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Irresistible Bathroom Curiosity

• “I work with you in radio. You can’t start off with a good tease like that and not want to hear the end of the story.”
  — Lindell (B), [02:11]

On Live Rodents in the Toilet

• “In the toilet…it’s a little mouse and he’s swimming.”
  — Lindell (B), [03:16]

Fear of the Undetected Bite

• “I have to look because I’m afraid something will bite my butt.”
  — Lindell (B), [04:32]
• “There’s no more of going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. You have to turn all the lights on and do a double check.”
  — Lindell (B), [11:08]

Recurring Viral Soundbite

• “He bit me in my vagina, two times he bite me.”
  — G, [05:00, 05:13, 10:19, 11:15]
• “Just stay out of my butt.”
  — E, [10:14]

On Mouse Removal

• “I would probably use a couple of wooden spoons that I’d never tell Jessica I used…pick it up like the Olive Garden salad.”
  — D, [07:12]

On Rodent Resilience

• “Apparently, you can. It gets caught and you can try and flush it back out, but it needs some…liquid detergent…”
  — Lindell (B), [05:54]
• “Can you imagine if you’re sitting there and all of a sudden something pokes you in the ass?”
  — D, [11:31]

Noteworthy Timestamps

• [00:45–01:41] — Lindell’s boyfriend’s mysterious toilet warning
• [03:07–03:16] — The mouse’s grand toilet appearance
• [04:02–04:19] — Sewer lines as rodent highways
• [05:54–06:44] — Solutions and failed attempts to remove the mouse
• [07:54–08:39] — Rat migration explained by a repairman
• [09:09–09:52] — Listener stories: possum in the toilet
• [10:23–10:44] — Listener story: snake in the toilet
• [11:08–11:15] — Final advice: always check before you sit

Takeaway

This episode strikes a perfect Bert Show balance between comedy and mild trauma—reminding us all to always check the toilet before sitting. The segment is rich in group banter, listener stories, and true-to-life fears, wrapped up in the show’s authentic, goofy radio tone. You’ll laugh, you’ll cringe, and you may never look at a toilet the same way again.