Vault: Whatever You Do, Don't Lift The Toilet Seat

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: Whatever You Do, Don't Lift The Toilet Seat
Date: March 3, 2026

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Overview

This episode dives into a bizarre and hilarious real-life “potty horror story” involving unusual toilet discoveries and the very real (and only slightly irrational) fears they inspire. What starts as a funny anecdote from a producer, Lindell, about being warned by her boyfriend not to lift a toilet seat, spirals into a group therapy session on all the creepy things that might lurk beneath the porcelain surface. The cast swaps stories about rodents, snakes, and other critters making surprising bathroom appearances, all while serving up their signature authenticity and humor. Listeners call in with their own unsettling encounters, making for a morning radio show that’s relatable, laugh-out-loud funny, and mildly terrifying for anyone about to use a public restroom.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Lindell’s Boyfriend’s Mysterious Warning

• [00:45] Host (C) asks Lindell (B) about an unresolved story from a previous meeting: “Don’t lift up the lid. Why?”
• [01:07] Lindell reveals her boyfriend warned her not to lift the toilet seat in his private bathroom.
• [01:41] Lindell: “Of course. I was like, ew, what did you do? And couldn’t flush…”
• Relationship context: Lindell and her boyfriend have been together for over two years, so sharing bathroom disasters seems within bounds.
• The group teases Lindell’s inability to resist a good “radio tease” and her curiosity.

2. The Surprise in the Toilet

• [03:07] Lindell: “So we go into the bathroom, and I make him lift up the toilet seat, and lo and behold…there’s a little mouse, and he’s swimming.”
• The cast erupts in shock and fascination; a mouse had apparently surfaced in the toilet.
• Lindell theorizes that the cats in the house would have easily dispatched the mouse if they’d known.

3. How Do Critters Get in There?

• [04:02] Lindell did some research: “If you don’t have a septic tank and are connected to the sewer line, rodents come up through the toilet floor. It happens to people all the time.”
• [08:10] Caller describes how rats use laterals in sewer lines to access toilets: “If you see a rat, he’ll make a right or a left and haul butt up the lateral… you’ll turn a camera, and all of a sudden, you’ll see Whiskers looking at you.”
• The cast expresses horror at the idea and shares their growing paranoia about sitting on toilets.

4. Dealing with the Mouse—and What NOT to Do

• [05:54] Lindell: “You can try and flush it back out, but it needs some liquid detergent to help it slide through the pipes. But…it did not work because our little rat was a little bit too big.”
• Team debates the ethics and logistics:
  • Some would try to kill it (“I’d drown it and kill it.” — C, [07:05])
  • Some (D) would use “a couple of wooden spoons that I’d never tell Jessica I used,” likening extraction to “the Olive Garden salad.”
  • No one wants to touch it, and PETA jokes are made about greasing a mouse and sending it back down.

5. The Ongoing Toilet Anxiety

• [04:46] Lindell: “Now every time I go to the bathroom…I have to check. Because I’m afraid something will bite my butt.”
• This morphs into ongoing jokes and collective paranoia:
  • “I can’t tell you how disturbed I am that you can sit down and not know what’s in the toilet.” — C, [05:32]
  • The possibility of something biting “your bum” is a recurring theme, escalating with an infamous soundbite:
    • [05:00, 05:13, 10:19, 11:15] G: “He bit me in my vagina, two times he bite me.”

6. Listener Call-Ins: Rats, Snakes, Possums, and More

• [07:54] Doug, a city repair professional: “There’s always rats in the sewer…they run up the laterals to the house.”
• [09:09] Becky: Ongoing joke in her town after her aunt found a possum in the toilet.
• [10:23] Kathy: Her mother discovered a snake’s head poking out of the toilet at night.
• Repeated advice: always turn on lights and inspect the toilet before sitting down.

7. The Social and Psychological Impact

• [04:28] Now the cast and listeners feel compelled to check every toilet, everywhere.
• [10:05] J (wildlife removal expert): “You’d be shocked at how many people have roof rats living in their houses.”
• [10:14] The real fear isn’t roof rats—it’s what’s hiding under the toilet seat.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Irresistible Bathroom Curiosity

• “I work with you in radio. You can’t start off with a good tease like that and not want to hear the end of the story.”
  — Lindell (B), [02:11]

On Live Rodents in the Toilet

• “In the toilet…it’s a little mouse and he’s swimming.”
  — Lindell (B), [03:16]

Fear of the Undetected Bite

• “I have to look because I’m afraid something will bite my butt.”
  — Lindell (B), [04:32]
• “There’s no more of going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. You have to turn all the lights on and do a double check.”
  — Lindell (B), [11:08]

Recurring Viral Soundbite

• “He bit me in my vagina, two times he bite me.”
  — G, [05:00, 05:13, 10:19, 11:15]
• “Just stay out of my butt.”
  — E, [10:14]

On Mouse Removal

• “I would probably use a couple of wooden spoons that I’d never tell Jessica I used…pick it up like the Olive Garden salad.”
  — D, [07:12]

On Rodent Resilience

• “Apparently, you can. It gets caught and you can try and flush it back out, but it needs some…liquid detergent…”
  — Lindell (B), [05:54]
• “Can you imagine if you’re sitting there and all of a sudden something pokes you in the ass?”
  — D, [11:31]

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Noteworthy Timestamps

• [00:45–01:41] — Lindell’s boyfriend’s mysterious toilet warning
• [03:07–03:16] — The mouse’s grand toilet appearance
• [04:02–04:19] — Sewer lines as rodent highways
• [05:54–06:44] — Solutions and failed attempts to remove the mouse
• [07:54–08:39] — Rat migration explained by a repairman
• [09:09–09:52] — Listener stories: possum in the toilet
• [10:23–10:44] — Listener story: snake in the toilet
• [11:08–11:15] — Final advice: always check before you sit

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Takeaway

This episode strikes a perfect Bert Show balance between comedy and mild trauma—reminding us all to always check the toilet before sitting. The segment is rich in group banter, listener stories, and true-to-life fears, wrapped up in the show’s authentic, goofy radio tone. You’ll laugh, you’ll cringe, and you may never look at a toilet the same way again.

Transcript

[A]

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join today to check your eligibility restrictions apply.

[C]

The Birch Show Producer Lindell, how are you?

[B]

Good, how are you?

[C]

We need closure. We got half of a conversation in our post show meeting before we made Lyndall stop. And it's been driving Jeff and I at least crazy. Cause it's pot of humor.

[D]

Because that's a great sentence. Don't lift up the lid. Why?

[C]

You want to explain?

[B]

Yes. Basically, I believe it was a couple weekends ago, happened to my boyfriend Mike's house. I go over there, we're going out to do something. And he just said, FYI, if I were you, I wouldn't lift up the toilet seat.

[C]

Okay, now stop there for just a second. Does he have roommates?

[E]

He does.

[B]

He has one roommate.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

And do they have a guy, I'm assuming?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

It's a shared bathroom.

[B]

No, it's not.

[C]

It's just his.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

So when he said don't lift up the toilet seat, he meant specifically for the bathroom in his bedroom.

[B]

Yes.

[E]

And of course it's gonna make you go lift the toilet seat.

[D]

Absolutely.

[B]

Of course. I was like, ew, what did you do? And couldn't flush. Like, it was just.

[C]

How long y' all been going out?

[B]

Like two and a half years.

[C]

Oh, okay. Yeah. So you're that phase now where you can go.

[E]

You can look at each other's toilet.

[B]

Oh, yeah. So I asked him, obviously, I'm like, why? What is in the toilet? And he's like, you don't want to know. So I go in there and I'm like.

[C]

So he tells you to stay away from it, and you go in anyway.

[B]

Because I was curious. Of course.

[F]

Wouldn't you?

[D]

I get that. Yeah.

[B]

I work with you in radio. You can't start off with a good tease like that and not want to hear the end of the story. So we go into the bathroom.

[C]

Melissa, this is a little like the Death Star bringing in one of those ships in Star Wars. Right, Exactly.

[B]

Exactly.

[C]

The gravitational pull. You don't want to, but you're in the field.

[E]

Yeah, exactly. You're being pulled in, and you're slowly going toward the toilet seat to lift it up.

[B]

I wouldn't lift up the toilet seat because I was just like, ugh. What if something, I don't know, jumped out at you?

[C]

You walked in there, you knew what you were doing.

[F]

Was he serious about it, or was he joking?

[B]

He was totally serious. But he.

[F]

He's like, do not lift up the toilet.

[B]

He was serious, but I'm like, ha, ha. Are you kidding? And he was like, no. And normally that would be something funny. He would say, but was not. On this occasion, I'm gonna start doing

[D]

that around the building.

[F]

Like, don't look in this brown bag.

[D]

Yeah. But no, I'm gonna do it with the bathroom. Or I'm gonna do it to women. Like, I'll pass from the hall. You go and you go to the women's room.

[C]

Yep.

[D]

Don't lift up the seat.

[B]

So we go into the bathroom, and I make him lift up the toilet seat, and he lifts it up, and lo and behold, in the toilet seat.

[C]

Oh, no.

[B]

In the toilet.

[E]

Oh, no. Oh, no.

[B]

It's a little mouse, and he's swimming.

[C]

Oh, I knew it. So the mouse had fallen into the toilet and was just, like, holding on for dear life.

[B]

This is the thing. He has two. They have free roam range of the house. If the cats had known that the mouse, rat, whatever it was, was there in the house, in the bathroom, there would been no. Would have been no alive rat. It would have been killed.

[C]

Right.

[D]

So he put it in the toilet for safekeeping. Where can I put this? The cats won't get it. Splash.

[C]

Cats don't like water. Yeah. Where can I put the mouse?

[D]

What should I do with this? Freezer, toilet. Freezer, toilet. Freezer, toilet. I'm gonna go toilet.

[E]

Where did the mouse.

[B]

We looked it up, and apparently, depending on where you live, if you don't have a septic tank and you are connected to the sewer line, the little rodents come up through the toilet floor. And so that was more of a possibility, but I looked it up online, and apparently it happens to people all the time.

[C]

Wait a second.

[B]

All the time have a mouse in the toilet?

[C]

Completely different direction. So. And what part of town are we talking about here?

[B]

Sandy Springs.

[C]

Sandy Springs.

[B]

Right over there.

[C]

Ha.

[F]

That's where y' all live.

[C]

And this is an older condo or an older townhouse.

[B]

No, it's just. It's not old but it's not new, so it's just completely freaks me out. So now every time I go to the bathroom, I have to check, even if it's not his house, it's work. It's my house. It's the bathroom at the restaurant. I have to look because I'm afraid something will bite my butt.

[E]

Because that's my biggest.

[B]

What if you go and you're just sitting there, all of a sudden there's

[E]

a little biting bum.

[C]

I would.

[D]

Hey, Bert, do you have the audio clip from yesterday about where you could get bit by.

[G]

He bite me in my vagina. In my vagina. Two times he bite me.

[B]

Look at Melissa.

[C]

What are you talking about? The rat.

[G]

Anyhow, My vagina. Two times he bite me.

[D]

Do you think. Are you sure? I mean, do you think perhaps he accidentally ate it and he didn't chew it and it just passed right through

[B]

his system to where it was still alive and swimming? Fine.

[H]

Yeah.

[D]

And he dropped.

[E]

Lyndall's been around Jeff long enough to say, oh, really? Is that what you have, Jeff?

[D]

I'm gonna go drop some mice off at the pool.

[C]

I can't tell you guys how disturbed I am at the fact that you can go to the bathroom and sit down and not know it. But you could have a mouse or whatever in the toilet.

[I]

I've heard it.

[F]

I guess you gotta double check before you sit, but I think I would

[C]

notice what could happen even while you're.

[D]

But did you see, like, a little. Like a little. Was there like, a little diver's down flag and some scuba gear? Like, how does he come up the pipe? How can a mouse hold its breath for?

[B]

We looked. I looked it up online because I was like, look, the Internet's gotta have people that have this happen to them all the time. And apparently you can. It gets caught and you can try and flush it back out, but it needs some, like, liquid detergent to help it slide through the pipes a little bit easier. But you tried to flush it, but he did not go.

[C]

I had flushed that thing 19 times.

[D]

You would flush it. Yeah, but you don't. Did you flush it? Did you pick him up by the

[F]

tail and throw him outside?

[B]

You don't touch it. Did you give them to the cats he drowned?

[E]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

You don't touch those. You don't pick up the rat. They have all sorts of diseases.

[D]

Well, you also don't soap it up and send it back down the line.

[B]

That's what the, like, sanitation and, like, the water health people say this happens Sometimes on their frequently asked questions, they

[D]

tell you to grease it.

[E]

Grease the mouse.

[F]

PETA is coming after you today.

[C]

Don't pick it up and grease it right. You're just supposed to put the detergent.

[B]

It's like dishwashing liquid. You just squirt it in a little bit, and it kind of breaks the tension of the water surface, and he can slide right on out. But it did not work because our little rat was a little bit too big.

[C]

I can't believe how much sympathy you have for some random rat that's swimming around in your net.

[B]

And get it out. I don't have a rat with you.

[A]

What would you do.

[F]

What would you do if there was one in your house?

[D]

I would get it out of the toilet. What a terrible way to go.

[C]

I'd drown it and kill it.

[F]

How would you get it out, though?

[B]

You would make Jessica.

[D]

I would eat, like, probably a couple of wooden spoons that I would never tell Jessica I used. And I would pick it up almost like it's the Olive Garden salad.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Like, I'll use those tongs, and I'll pick it up like that.

[E]

If it was too big to go down. How did it come up?

[B]

I have no idea. But we also have images of a cross section of a toilet, and it shows you how a mouse slash, rodent slash whatever you want, can.

[D]

I'm guessing that he probably. I'm sure the mice keep dishwashing soap at the other end of the pipe so they can, you know, rescue their friends. Hey, Javi, squirt me up. I'm going up into Lindell's toilet.

[C]

Apparently, it happens all the time. Cause the phone lines are lit up with people that have found rats and snakes and everything else in their toilet.

[D]

Well, the snake.

[F]

I get snakes.

[D]

I understand snakes swim, Mike.

[B]

Snake and rats are apparently most common. But I'm just still frightened something's gonna bite me in my bum.

[C]

Hell, yeah. Hey, Doug, you're on Q100.

[D]

I found a horse.

[I]

Good morning, guys. This will really upset you. I. I do a lot of repairs in the city of Atlanta, and I look at videos all the time of the sewer lines, and there's always rats in the sewer.

[D]

I got no. I got no issue with that.

[I]

But they run up the laterals to the house. So if. Where's video on the line? And you see a rat, all of a sudden, he'll make a right or a left and haul butt up, up the lateral. So you know he's heading to that house.

[D]

Right. But can he swim through the pipe.

[I]

He walks.

[C]

He walks through. So the pipes aren't filled with water. There's just a little time.

[I]

Some of the lines have, you know, maybe, you know, 20%, 30% water flowing through them. But he walks through the lines and, you know, you'll turn the camera and look up the lateral, and all of a sudden you'll see Whiskers. He'll be looking at you.

[C]

There he is giving you the peace sign.

[D]

So can you. So, like. So he. Like. Then what happens when he gets to the toilet? Like, how does he get in?

[I]

I can't tell you that. I'm not a plumber. I don't know how he gets through the toilet, but it happens all the time.

[C]

Oh, can you imagine if phone lines are lit up with people saying the same thing?

[F]

Can you imagine if you were going to the bathroom and then you heard some splashing and movement around?

[D]

How freaked out you would be? How freaked out you would come out

[E]

of here before you got there?

[D]

Oh, my God. I cracked a mouse.

[C]

A night after Compound. The next morning after Compound, you're like, what did I eat at Landmark Diner? Good morning, Becky. You're on Q100.

[D]

You wouldn't even be able to tell your wife that, like, ah, Jessica, I gotta go to the doctor. You can't go my vagina.

[G]

Two times he bite me.

[D]

Can you imagine if somebody actually goes to the doctor with that? Why are you here? Well,

[F]

there's a mouse. It's a mouse and the john.

[D]

I didn't actually. I mean, I think I got to be honest, I think I felt the whiskers of it coming out.

[C]

Becky, you're on Q100. Good morning.

[F]

Poor Melissa was. Before she got here today.

[J]

I was just going to tell you that I worked for a wildlife removal company, and you would be shocked at how many people in Atlanta have roof rats living in their house among them every day.

[C]

Really?

[J]

Well, probably about 75% of the houses in Buckhead and Sandy Springs and all of that have roof rats.

[C]

Those don't bother me. The toilet is what really bothers me.

[E]

It's fine, fine. Just stay out of my butt.

[G]

My vagina, too. Bites me.

[C]

Good morning, Kathy. You're on Q100.

[J]

Oh, my gosh. My mom was about 60 years old at the time and went to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

[D]

Oh, no.

[C]

Oh, no.

[F]

Oh, no.

[J]

Usually. Usually never turns the light on and happened to turn it on and there's

[G]

a snake's head poking up out of the floor.

[B]

Oh, hell no.

[D]

God, yes.

[A]

And they.

[J]

Her and my dad got a pillowcase and cough a thing. And I would have bashed it to death. But I thought they said it was rain.

[C]

That's it for going into that bathroom. I could never go into that bathroom ever again.

[F]

Or get up in the middle of the night and pee ever again.

[E]

I would not pee ever.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

I mean, it's call after call. Rats and snakes, man. You gotta look at that toilet before you actually sit down on it.

[B]

There's no more of going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. You have to turn all the lights on and do a double check before you sit down.

[C]

Absolutely.

[G]

In my vagina. Two times he bite me.

[C]

Rebecca had to go, but she was calling to tell us that she had a plumber. Snaked the wrong toilet and hit a guy in the butt.

[F]

Oh

[H]

no.

[G]

To see his face.

[D]

How fast do you run if you're sitting there and all of a sudden. Yeah. And all of a sudden something pokes

[C]

you in the ass. Hey, Andy, you're IQ 100. Good morning.

[D]

Hey.

[I]

I'm gonna tell you. A few years ago, my aunt sat

[D]

down on the toilet and heard some

[I]

splashing around and looked down and there's

[D]

a possum in the toilet.

[B]

Good.

[I]

Ongoing joke in our town for a few years.

[D]

But yeah, I popped them in the toilet.

[F]

How in the world would a possum get in there?

[C]

I don't want to know. It's already freaking me out.

[D]

Is that a possum in your toilet or did you just go to the varsity?

[C]

It's the bird show.

[D]

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[H]

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[D]

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[A]

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[H]

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