Vault: What's the appropriate Valentine's gift?

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: The Bert Show
Episode: Vault: What's the appropriate Valentine's gift?
Date: June 22, 2026

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Overview

This episode of The Bert Show tackles the perennial dilemma of what is an "appropriate" Valentine's Day gift, especially when you're in a new or undefined stage of a relationship. Through a mix of host and listener stories, the team discusses the nuances of gift-giving based on relationship length, missteps in the past, and the hidden meanings gifts can have. The panel and callers also debate the difference between romantic, practical, thoughtless, and outright selfish Valentine's gifts.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The "Tweener" Stage and Gift Anxiety

[00:45]–[02:57]

• Host (Birch) frames the episode around the annual anxiety of choosing a Valentine's gift when the relationship is new ("the tweener stage"). He notes that gifts can unintentionally "define" where you think you are as a couple.
  • "For a lot of you couples, you're in this tweener stage right now for Valentine's Day and you're not exactly sure what to get each other." — Birch [00:45]
• Panelists share that gifts too extravagant or too trivial can create awkwardness or reveal mismatched expectations.
• Panelist Jen questions what is appropriate to give men, given the perceived variety of “go-to” gift ideas for women compared to men.
  • "What do you get dudes for Valentine's Day... you don't get like hearts on boxers unless you're in the eighth grade." — Jen [02:16]

Listener Stories: When Gifts Go Very Wrong

[03:09]–[09:23]

A Toilet Paper Holder as a Gift

• Caller Sarah shares a hilarious misfire: after two months, her boyfriend gave her a toilet paper holder, and it was even missing a part.
  • "Not only did I get my gift late, but I got a toilet paper holder." — Sarah [03:25]
  • Hosts agree this is not just bad timing—it's simply a "bad gift, period." [03:40]

Practical vs. Romantic: Four New Tires

• Caller Ann was given a set of tires after a year of dating. She found the gift practical but not romantic, especially as she had prepared a thoughtful package for him.
  • "He gave you a set of tires?" — Birch [04:51]
  • Ann explains: "He told me later that he was going to get them for my birthday... and he didn't want to wait that long." [04:54]
  • Hosts joke about the lack of romance: "What's more romantic than having a… quiet conversation interrupted by the sounds of an air drill?" [05:35]
  • Jen: "If he did the tires and then did something sweet like cook her dinner... it would have been totally fine." [05:43]

The Inappropriate (and Suggestive) Gift

• Caller Mandy tells of a boyfriend who, after six months, gave her an adult-themed gift from Starship, while she put a lot of effort into his present.
  • "He went to Starship and brought my gift home. Six months. Been going out. I was crushed." — Mandy [06:31]
  • She later appreciates the gift, but admits it was much too soon.
  • Host Birch probes if it revealed a mismatch in emotional vs physical expectations.

Over-the-Top: The Premature Proposal

• Caller Lauren: After just three months, her boyfriend proposed on Valentine’s Day—while she was plotting how to leave the relationship.
  • "He proposed to you on Valentine's Day after three months?" — Birch [07:20]
  • Lauren admits she said yes at the time out of shock, but broke it off two weeks later.
  • "I've never met his parents or anything. So it was really, really crazy." — Lauren [07:56]

The Hidden "Family" Gift

• Caller Carla: After 10 years of marriage, she received a basketball hoop for Valentine's, clearly more for their boys than herself.
  • "That was more for my boys than it was for me." — Carla [08:16]
  • Hosts discuss the disappointment of "gifts" given under the pretense they're for you, but are really for someone else.

The Gift That's Really for the Giver

• Caller Michelle: After a year of dating, her boyfriend gave her a bottle of Captain Morgan—though she doesn’t drink, but he does.
  • "After a year of dating this guy, I got a bottle of Captain Morgan. And I don't drink, but he does." — Michelle [08:56]
  • The hosts laugh and see this as a classic "selfish Valentine's present."

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Birch: "The present that you get for Valentine's Day might speak. It may define where you think the relationship is. He may not be in the same place and vice versa." [00:45]
• Jen (about gifts for men): "You don't get, like, hearts on boxers, like, unless you're in the eighth grade." [02:16]
• Caller Sarah: "Not only did I get my gift late, but I got a toilet paper holder." [03:25]
• Birch (on the tires): "There's nothing romantic about it, but he was trying to help." [05:12]
• Caller Ann: "And the next day he took me to the garage and we both sat there while the tires were changed." [05:15]
• Jen: "If he did the tires and then he did something sweet like cook her dinner himself at home, it would have been totally fine..." [05:43]
• Caller Mandy: "He went to Starship and brought my gift home... I was crushed." [06:31]
• Caller Lauren: "I had a guy proposed to me after three months of dating. Including, like, meeting and dating." [07:13]
• Caller Carla: "Yeah, I got a basketball hoop... That was more for my boys than it was for me." [08:08]
• Caller Michelle: "I got a bottle of Captain Morgan. And I don't drink, but he does." [08:56]
• Birch: "I think where we gotta go with this later in the show is the focus on selfish Valentine's Day presents." [09:06]

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Important Timestamps & Segments

• 00:45 — Main topic introduction: Valentine’s Day gift anxiety and the "tweener" dating stage
• 02:16 — Discussion about gendered gift shopping difficulties
• 03:09 — Sarah's story: Toilet paper holder debacle
• 04:39 — Ann's story: Four tires vs. thoughtful gifts
• 06:04 — Mandy's Starship gift story
• 07:13 — Lauren's premature proposal tale
• 08:07 — Carla's "basketball hoop for the kids" disappointment
• 08:56 — Michelle's "gift" that was really for her boyfriend

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Takeaways & Tone

This episode candidly explores how Valentine's gifts can highlight mismatches in expectations and the awkwardness of navigating new relationships. The hosts and listeners use self-deprecating humor, empathy, and real talk to expose the underlying meaning behind "the gift"—sometimes laughable, sometimes cringeworthy, but always relatable. The tone is upbeat, teasing, and authentic, allowing the topic to stay light even as it touches on the pressures and perils of modern romance.

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Transcript

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[Show Host (likely Birch)]

Hey, the Birch Show. We talk about this every single year right around this time. And for a lot of you couples, you're in this tweener stage right now for Valentine's Day and you're not exactly sure what to get each other. Right? And at least for a guy, maybe it goes both ways. Also, the present that you get for Valentine's Day might speak. It may define where you think the relationship is. He may not be in the same place and vice versa.

[Co-host or Panelist]

Right.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

So before I run through this list that we talk about every single year of what appropriate gifts are for the time that you're going out. If you guys have a couple of seconds to call us. 404-741-Q100, tell us about like the inappropriate gift you got based on the time that you're going out for Valentine's Day. And this could go both ways. Like you could be married for 20 years and he gave you something scratch off tickets. Yeah, like insignificant. Like a lottery ticket is perfect. Or it goes the other way also where you guys are dating for four weeks, he gets you diamonds or a car or something like that. Because I think the best way to learn what those windows are is by hearing others mistakes.

[Co-host or Panelist]

Yeah, agreed.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

And this is important right here especially, I mean, Jen, for you, you've been dating this dude now how long?

[Co-host or Panelist (possibly Jen)]

Like two and a half months.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

That's a tweener stage, right?

[Co-host or Panelist (possibly Jen)]

There it is.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

Even though the movie is, the relationship has progressed quickly, in two months, it's still only 60 days. So you got a tough decision ahead of you.

[Co-host or Panelist (possibly Jen)]

And my question is, like, what do you get dudes for Valentine's Day? It's almost to me easier for guys because you've got so many different categories for women already set up for you. You know, Like, Melissa did her De Geller thing last night. Like, jewelry is, you know, a home run every single time. Like, you know, you're always going to Solomon Brothers for Stacy, like, all that stuff. So you guys have, like, kind of like a go to category, but for women, like, what do you. You don't get, like, hearts on boxers, like, unless you're in the eighth grade, you know, like, what do you get for men for Valentine's Day if you don't want to go? Something as expensive as, like, a watch. Because I think a watch would be like, a one or two relationship, right?

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

Yeah, that's a major one right there.

[Co-host or Panelist (possibly Jen)]

It's like a really great, nice, like, handsome gift for a man. But that I. I mean, you've been together much too early. Yeah. You have to be together a while to do that. So what do you get for guys at a total loss?

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

Let's learn from your mistakes here. So we're looking for the most inappropriate gift for the amount of time that you guys were going out. Hey, Sarah. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller]

Oh, my gosh. I can't believe I'm on the radio. I love you guys.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

Thank you.

[Caller]

I dated a guy.

[Caller or Commentator]

He was really hot. We dated for, like, two months. He was super romantic. And not only did I get my gift late, but I got a toilet paper holder.

[Co-host or Panelist]

What?

[Caller or Commentator]

A toilet paper holder he put next to your toilet to hold toilet paper.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

Like, I mean, that's not a good gift. That doesn't have anything to do with the amount of time you're going at. That's just a bad gift, period.

[Caller]

It was.

[Caller or Commentator]

And the part. The sad thing was is that my parents bought the same one, like, a couple months later. And it was even missing the part like he got on clearance or something.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

What are you thinking, dude?

[Chase Sapphire Commentator]

What are you.

[Co-host or Panelist (possibly Jen)]

That's worse than nothing at all. Because I dated somebody for like five or six months before Valentine's Day once, and I got nothing.

[Co-host or Panelist]

Really?

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

Nada.

[Co-host or Panelist (possibly Jen)]

Zero. And so I think that that might actually be better than a toilet paper holder.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

The relationship is going to end up in the same place. Well, you know, very true. Save the 75 cents.

[Co-host or Panelist]

Think of what you do immediately after thinking of him every time you see the toilet paper holder. And it might be appropriate.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

404-741. Q100 inappropriate gifts for Valentine's Day based on how long you guys been going out with each other. Hey, Ann. Hi.

[Caller]

Hi. How are you?

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

Good. How are you?

[Caller]

Pretty good.

[Caller or Commentator]

So I got a set of tires for Valentine's Day. One year.

[Co-host or Panelist]

Nice.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

You guys were dating for how long?

[Caller or Commentator]

We had been dating for over a year.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

Over a year. And he gave you a set of tires?

[Co-host or Panelist (possibly Jen)]

Did you have tires?

[Caller]

Yeah. But he told me later that he

[Caller or Commentator]

was going to get them for my birthday, which is the 23rd, and he didn't want to wait that long, so we got them for Valentine's Day.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

See, we're problem solvers.

[Co-host or Panelist (possibly Jen)]

Yeah, we're problem solvers, but that's a practical.

[Co-host or Panelist]

But he spent money, right? I mean, that is a lot of money. I mean, tires are expensive. So I don't fault him too much.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

There's nothing romantic about it, but he

[Co-host or Panelist]

was trying to help.

[Caller or Commentator]

Really romantic. It was definitely practical. But I got him a leather jacket and I had a little gas basket delivered to his office. And the next day he took me to the garage and we both sat there while the tires were changed.

[Co-host or Panelist]

But it was also personal.

[Caller]

It's on a neat basis, though.

[Co-host or Panelist (possibly Jen)]

It took some thought.

[Co-host or Panelist]

And he sat with you while the tires are changed? I mean, what's romantic than having a nice, quiet conversation interrupted by the sounds of an air drill?

[Co-host or Panelist (possibly Jen)]

See, I think if he did the tires and then he did something sweet like cook her dinner himself at home, it would have been totally fine because there would have been, like, a more, like, sweet side to that.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

See, now the toilet paper holder girl thinks the four tires is awesome.

[Co-host or Panelist (possibly Jen)]

Amazing.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

Of course, the most considerate guy ever.

[Co-host or Panelist]

Yes.

[Co-host or Panelist (possibly Jen)]

I would have preferred four tires over nothing.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

Hey, Mandy. Good morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller]

Good morning. I would have took the tires over what I got myself. Let me build this up for you. We have been going out about six or seven months and I put so much thought into his gift. I went and got a red toolbox and filled it with red candies and a red Sears gift card and was so happy. Knew I was getting jewelry. We get to Valentine's Day and y' all are gonna have to read into this a little bit. He went to Starship and brought my gift home.

[Co-host or Panelist]

No,

we didn't really have to read into that.

[Caller]

Just before 8:30.

Starship. Six months. Been going out. I was crushed. I was so upset. Wow.

[Co-host or Panelist]

Well, it is Valentine's Day.

[Caller]

Yeah, Well, I appreciated it later, but not so much at Valentine's Day.

[Co-host or Panelist (possibly Jen)]

After you broke up.

[Caller or Panelist]

Yeah.

[Co-host or Panelist]

When were alone, I was gonna say.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

So, like, did that say to you. Did that say to you like, it was more of an emotional relationship for you, but it was more physical for him?

[Caller]

Well, we're still together, so.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

All right, hold on.

[Co-host or Panelist]

Freaky.

Freaky.

[Caller]

It worked out.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

Good morning, Lauren. You're on Q100. Hi.

[Caller]

I had a guy proposed to me after three months of dating. Including, like, meeting and dating. Three months?

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

He proposed to you on Valentine's Day after three months?

[Caller]

Yes. It was crazy.

[Co-host or Panelist]

Wow.

[Caller]

He always seemed really desperate, and I was actually in the process of trying to figure out how to leave him, and he proposed on Valentine's Day, so it was really crazy.

[Co-host or Panelist (possibly Jen)]

What did you say at the time?

[Caller]

I said yes, because I was really into him. But I was just really shocked that I didn't know what to do. But about two weeks later, I called him over and was, like, pretty much told him he lost his mind. So that's all over with now.

[Co-host or Panelist (possibly Jen)]

So did you say I don't even know your middle name?

[Caller]

Yeah, right. Like, I've never met his parents or anything. So it was really, really crazy.

[Caller or Panelist]

Wow.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

Here is Carla. Carla was married for 10 years. Hey. Hey, Carla.

[Caller or Commentator]

Hey.

[Caller]

Yeah, I got a basketball hoop.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

A basketball hoop for Valentine's Day. After 10 years of marriage.

[Caller or Commentator]

Yeah.

[Caller]

That was more for my boys than

[Caller or Commentator]

it was for me.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

You think?

[Co-host or Panelist]

Boy, that sucks. Having a Valentine's Day gift given to you when it's really for the person you know who's giving it sucks.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

Which is what happened to Carter.

[Co-host or Panelist (possibly Jen)]

It'd be better if it were for your kids than if it were just now.

[Co-host or Panelist]

I think spirits would be. You know I'm joking because Katie got me to take down a 500 tickets. And how long for Valentine's Day.

And before you met her, you were a race car fan, NASCAR fan for how many years?

[Caller or Commentator]

Zero.

[Co-host or Panelist]

Okay, I'm not complaining. I'm not complaining because it'll be fun and then.

But she did get you that something cool while you're there, right?

[Caller]

Or.

[Co-host or Panelist]

No, it's her.

I did that for her.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

Hey, Michelle. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller or Commentator]

Hey, good morning.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

Hi.

[Caller or Commentator]

After a year of dating this guy, I got a bottle of Captain Morgan. And I don't drink, but he does.

[Co-host or Panelist]

Oh, my God, that's awesome.

[Caller or Commentator]

That was really romantic.

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That's.

[Show Host (likely Birch)]

I think where we gotta go with this later in the show is the focus on selfish Valentine's Day presents. Like in Melissa's case, It's the Daytona 500 tickets, which really aren't for her. They're for her girlfriend. In this case, it's the bottle of Captain Morgan. She don't even drink, so it's really for the guy that got it for her.

[Co-host or Panelist (possibly Jen)]

And I'm sure guys get surround sound systems for their whole house for their wife, right? Look honey, I got you surrounded so

[Co-host or Panelist]

we can watch movies together. The first show what's up everybody?

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