The Bert Show — "Vault: What's The Furthest You've Been Lost?"

Date: January 12, 2026
Hosts/Cast: Bert, Crash, (callers: Ken, Nubia, Kathy)

Overview

In this classic, laugh-filled episode, the Bert Show crew dives into hilarious stories of epic navigational disasters. Kicking off with Crash’s outrageous personal tale of getting nearly 200 miles off-track on a routine Florida road trip, the hosts invite listeners to outdo his misadventure with their own “most lost” stories. The episode radiates the Bert Show’s signature easy camaraderie, self-deprecating humor, and open phone lines—turning one person’s blunder into a communal celebration of getting wildly, memorably lost.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Crash’s Legendary Florida Detour (01:54–06:07)

• Crash recounts: While driving to a wedding in St. George Island, Florida—a route he claims to know “blindfolded”—he and a friend get so lost they wind up 186.2 miles off course, deep in Florida, before realizing their mistake.
• Scene-setting details:
  • Crash’s confidence as a road trip expert is quickly undermined by getting swept up in road trip fun—CDs blasting, friend enjoying drinks, no one paying attention to highway signs.
  • Realization hits when a road sign reads "Ocala, 82 miles" (03:54), prompting a comedic visit to a rural Florida convenience store where an old-timer calls him “stupid” and says, "boy, you got manure for brains" (03:57), right before giving questionable directions.
• Outcome:
  • They’re forced to backtrack, ultimately adding nearly four hours to their trip.
  • Memorable quote:
    • Crash: "We have to turn around, take i10 into Tallahassee... Hot, hot hike. 186.2 miles out of our way." (03:57)
    • Bert: "186.2 miles lost." (04:20)
    • Crash: "It took us almost nine hours to get to the beach." (04:25)
  • Bert’s incredulity highlights the absurdity:
    • "I don't even know how this is even possible. This sounds like a fish story to me...You went 186. Almost 200 miles before you realized?" (04:30)

"Guinness Records of Lost" — Audience Challenge and Call-ins

Ken’s Texas Misadventure (06:07–07:27)

• Ken (caller) shares: Two friends headed to South Padre Island, Texas, but ended up in the tiny town of Alice, TX, 180 miles off course.
• Takeaways:
  • They didn’t make it to their destination but instead spent the day drinking with the locals—a detour that turned into a memorable story.
  • Recurring inside joke among friends: "But have you ever been to Alice, Texas?" (06:52)
• Analysis:
  • Bert muses about the psychology of denial when men are lost:
    • "Don't you completely...talk yourself into thinking, no, no, no, I do remember that now?...Before you know it, it's 200 miles." (06:52)

Nubia’s Family Louisville Loop (07:42–08:49)

• Nubia (caller) recounts: On a family road trip from Atlanta to Paducah, Kentucky, mom ignores the correct exit, insisting another turnoff is ahead. They end up in Louisville instead, with no direct road to Paducah.
• Impact:
  • The roundabout caused a massive six-hour unintended detour while her dad waited the whole time.
  • Nubia: "When we get to Louisville and we realize that we have to go all the way back down because there is no road between Paducah and Louisville." (08:26)
  • Bert reacts with disbelief: "Six hours out of your way. And your dad waited the entire time. Of course." (08:46)

International Mix-up: Accidental Amsterdam (Bangor, Maine) (08:54–10:00)

• Kathy (caller, via Nubia) shares: Her dad, ex-military, traveled through Europe using standby flights. After partying at a festival in Portugal, he thought he was flying to Amsterdam but woke up in Bangor, Maine.
• Notables:
  • Her dad’s reaction: If he’s in the US, he might as well go home across the country.
• Host/Cast riff on the punchline:
  • Bert: "Why is there an L.L. Bean factory here in Amsterdam?" (10:08)
  • Crash: "The Amsterdam Lobster House." (10:12)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• Crash, on the moment of truth:

  "Throws down a little chew on the floor and he goes, boy, you must be stupid. You. Why you sent me Central Florida. Boy, you got manure for brains." (03:57, relaying the store owner's words)

• Ken, on detours:

  "When people talk about trips, we say. But have you ever been to Alice, Texas?" (06:52)

• Nubia, on stubborn navigation:

  "She thinks she knows where she’s going, so she keeps on going and going and going. When we get to Louisville...we have to go all the way back." (08:26)

• Kathy, on the surprise landing:

  "He thinks he's getting on a flight...from Portugal to Amsterdam; instead he ended up in Bangor, Maine." (09:51)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Crash’s Florida misadventure: 01:54–06:07
• Ken’s Texas detour: 06:09–07:27
• Nubia’s Kentucky misrouting: 07:42–08:49
• International accidental flight (Bangor, not Amsterdam): 08:54–10:00

Tone & Style

Light-hearted and comedic, with playful ribbing among the cast and callers. The hosts and guests trade stories with humility and mock pride, turning travel mistakes into communal satire and camaraderie.

For Those Who Missed It

This episode is a tapestry of travel mishaps, blending self-deprecation, traveler’s denial, and the joy of telling your most embarrassing “lost” story. With each caller, you’re transported into an escalating series of “how did that happen?” adventures that make even the roughest wrong turn feel like shared, cathartic comedy. If you’ve ever gotten lost—or just pretended you knew exactly where you were—Bert and crew make sure you know you’re in very good company.