Vault: What's The Furthest You've Been Lost?

Summary

The Bert Show — "Vault: What's The Furthest You've Been Lost?"

Date: January 12, 2026
Hosts/Cast: Bert, Crash, (callers: Ken, Nubia, Kathy)

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Overview

In this classic, laugh-filled episode, the Bert Show crew dives into hilarious stories of epic navigational disasters. Kicking off with Crash’s outrageous personal tale of getting nearly 200 miles off-track on a routine Florida road trip, the hosts invite listeners to outdo his misadventure with their own “most lost” stories. The episode radiates the Bert Show’s signature easy camaraderie, self-deprecating humor, and open phone lines—turning one person’s blunder into a communal celebration of getting wildly, memorably lost.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Crash’s Legendary Florida Detour (01:54–06:07)

• Crash recounts: While driving to a wedding in St. George Island, Florida—a route he claims to know “blindfolded”—he and a friend get so lost they wind up 186.2 miles off course, deep in Florida, before realizing their mistake.
• Scene-setting details:
  • Crash’s confidence as a road trip expert is quickly undermined by getting swept up in road trip fun—CDs blasting, friend enjoying drinks, no one paying attention to highway signs.
  • Realization hits when a road sign reads "Ocala, 82 miles" (03:54), prompting a comedic visit to a rural Florida convenience store where an old-timer calls him “stupid” and says, "boy, you got manure for brains" (03:57), right before giving questionable directions.
• Outcome:
  • They’re forced to backtrack, ultimately adding nearly four hours to their trip.
  • Memorable quote:
    • Crash: "We have to turn around, take i10 into Tallahassee... Hot, hot hike. 186.2 miles out of our way." (03:57)
    • Bert: "186.2 miles lost." (04:20)
    • Crash: "It took us almost nine hours to get to the beach." (04:25)
  • Bert’s incredulity highlights the absurdity:
    • "I don't even know how this is even possible. This sounds like a fish story to me...You went 186. Almost 200 miles before you realized?" (04:30)

"Guinness Records of Lost" — Audience Challenge and Call-ins

Ken’s Texas Misadventure (06:07–07:27)

• Ken (caller) shares: Two friends headed to South Padre Island, Texas, but ended up in the tiny town of Alice, TX, 180 miles off course.
• Takeaways:
  • They didn’t make it to their destination but instead spent the day drinking with the locals—a detour that turned into a memorable story.
  • Recurring inside joke among friends: "But have you ever been to Alice, Texas?" (06:52)
• Analysis:
  • Bert muses about the psychology of denial when men are lost:
    • "Don't you completely...talk yourself into thinking, no, no, no, I do remember that now?...Before you know it, it's 200 miles." (06:52)

Nubia’s Family Louisville Loop (07:42–08:49)

• Nubia (caller) recounts: On a family road trip from Atlanta to Paducah, Kentucky, mom ignores the correct exit, insisting another turnoff is ahead. They end up in Louisville instead, with no direct road to Paducah.
• Impact:
  • The roundabout caused a massive six-hour unintended detour while her dad waited the whole time.
  • Nubia: "When we get to Louisville and we realize that we have to go all the way back down because there is no road between Paducah and Louisville." (08:26)
  • Bert reacts with disbelief: "Six hours out of your way. And your dad waited the entire time. Of course." (08:46)

International Mix-up: Accidental Amsterdam (Bangor, Maine) (08:54–10:00)

• Kathy (caller, via Nubia) shares: Her dad, ex-military, traveled through Europe using standby flights. After partying at a festival in Portugal, he thought he was flying to Amsterdam but woke up in Bangor, Maine.
• Notables:
  • Her dad’s reaction: If he’s in the US, he might as well go home across the country.
• Host/Cast riff on the punchline:
  • Bert: "Why is there an L.L. Bean factory here in Amsterdam?" (10:08)
  • Crash: "The Amsterdam Lobster House." (10:12)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Crash, on the moment of truth:

  "Throws down a little chew on the floor and he goes, boy, you must be stupid. You. Why you sent me Central Florida. Boy, you got manure for brains." (03:57, relaying the store owner's words)

• Ken, on detours:

  "When people talk about trips, we say. But have you ever been to Alice, Texas?" (06:52)

• Nubia, on stubborn navigation:

  "She thinks she knows where she’s going, so she keeps on going and going and going. When we get to Louisville...we have to go all the way back." (08:26)

• Kathy, on the surprise landing:

  "He thinks he's getting on a flight...from Portugal to Amsterdam; instead he ended up in Bangor, Maine." (09:51)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Crash’s Florida misadventure: 01:54–06:07
• Ken’s Texas detour: 06:09–07:27
• Nubia’s Kentucky misrouting: 07:42–08:49
• International accidental flight (Bangor, not Amsterdam): 08:54–10:00

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Tone & Style

Light-hearted and comedic, with playful ribbing among the cast and callers. The hosts and guests trade stories with humility and mock pride, turning travel mistakes into communal satire and camaraderie.

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For Those Who Missed It

This episode is a tapestry of travel mishaps, blending self-deprecation, traveler’s denial, and the joy of telling your most embarrassing “lost” story. With each caller, you’re transported into an escalating series of “how did that happen?” adventures that make even the roughest wrong turn feel like shared, cathartic comedy. If you’ve ever gotten lost—or just pretended you knew exactly where you were—Bert and crew make sure you know you’re in very good company.

Transcript

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[Host/Bert]

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[Co-host/Crash]

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[Host/Bert]

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[Co-host/Crash]

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[Guest/Crash]

The bird show.

[Host/Bert]

So Crash was telling us that over the weekend he goes to a wedding In Florida, right.

[Guest/Crash]

St. George Island.

[Host/Bert]

St. George island, which is in the.

[Guest/Crash]

Gulf Coast, I think it's about 100 miles east of Panama City.

[Host/Bert]

Okay. And generally that trip would take you how long?

[Guest/Crash]

About five and a half hours. Because I'm a. I'm a pretty good driver. I average about 75 miles an hour, about five and a half hours. And he knows where all the traffic problems are, so he just avoids them.

[Host/Bert]

He intuitively knows, even when he's in the car.

[Guest/Crash]

And I'm a big road trip guy. I used to love to do road trips between Atlanta and Florida. I was constantly on the road. I knew all the rest stops. I knew. I mean, I know. I know the trip like the back of my hand.

[Host/Bert]

You can do this thing Blindfolded? Yeah, blindfolded. Five hours, you're there, man, easy.

[Guest/Crash]

I'm on the beach. I leave here no time. Boom. Yeah.

[Host/Bert]

That said, tell them about your weekend.

[Guest/Crash]

Well, it's pretty simple, actually, because when you leave 75 and you head south through the city. And of course, we left around 10 o', clock, so we missed most of the traffic, my friend Chris Pongetti and I. And he's in the passenger seat and I do all the driving on road trips. We start heading south down 75, and our first turnoff is the Georgia Florida Parkway. Everybody knows where that is. It takes you down to the Flora Bama, and everyone goes to the Gulf coast, takes the Georgia Florida Parkway. It's really simple. It's right out of Cordele, Georgia. You can't miss it. So we're heading south, we got the CDs going, we're going to the beach. Of course, I do all the driving. So, you know, he opens up a little frosty frosty, and he's having a couple of pops. No big deal. I'm doing the driving. All of a sudden I look at one of the signs on the road, says Ocala, 82 miles. We've gone right past Cordill, right past Valdosta, right into Florida. You even missed Tifton. I missed Tifton. We went so far that we pulled off into Lake City, Florida. Oh, God. And it was just a typical scene out of a movie where we pull into a little country bumpkin store and I'm like, hey, we're lost. We're trying to get to the Gulf coast and blah, blah. The guy just looks at me, he's in a rocking chair. I swear to God, it was right out of a movie. He goes. Throws down a little chew on the floor and he goes, boy, you must be stupid. You. Why you sent me Central Florida. Boy, you got manure for brains. We have to turn around, take i10 into Tallahassee, which you're familiar with. I10 going into Tallahassee, just a desolate road, 100 miles, and then head left down 309 to 16, to 98, to 42, to 37. Hot, hot hike. 186.2 miles out of our way.

[Host/Bert]

186.2 miles lost.

[Guest/Crash]

It took us almost nine hours to get to the beach.

[Host/Bert]

I don't even know how this is even possible. This sounds like a fish story to me, because I know if I'm lost, like within 15 miles, I'm like, wait, this doesn't look right. Especially if it's A place that I've been to before. You went 186. Almost 200 miles before you realized, wait, this. I don't recognize anything around here.

[Guest/Crash]

This doesn't look right. Well, I recognized it. I just. We were just having so much fun. The radio was going, he's having a few drinks. You know, before we know it, Ocala. And my dad lives in Ocala. I'm like, what in the hell? No. Yeah. By the way, I'm sure all the.

[Co-host/Crash]

Officers listening are really thrilled that you're.

[Host/Bert]

Like, talking about the open container in your car.

[Guest/Crash]

Well, I mean, I do all the driving. I mean, he's sitting in the back seat, he's having a vodka tonic. I mean, no one's getting hurt. I certainly never drive whenever I'm at, you know, whenever I do a road trip or whatever. I don't.

[Host/Bert]

It's a little bit like jaywalking. Yeah, we know you're not supposed to, but if someone's in the back seat, here's what I like to do. Let's say we're putting together a Burt show, like Guinness Book of Worlds Records. Okay. I want to know what the most extreme case of lost has been from one of you guys. I don't know if you can beat 186.2 miles, but it might be a story of somebody that got on the wrong flight.

[Co-host/Crash]

Yeah.

[Guest/Crash]

Oh.

[Co-host/Crash]

Oh, that's good.

[Host/Bert]

Like, maybe you were supposed to go to Texas and before you took off, you didn't realize it and you ended up in California somewhere. So the most extreme cases of being lost. And we've set the tone with 186.

[Guest/Crash]

Pretty good point.

[Host/Bert]

Two miles.

[Guest/Crash]

Pretty high there.

[Co-host/Crash]

Crash.

[Guest/Crash]

And that, people, came from your traffic report.

[Host/Bert]

Ken, you're gonna be the first call we take. Good morning.

[Caller/Ken]

Good morning.

[Host/Bert]

How are you, sir?

[Caller/Ken]

Not bad.

[Host/Bert]

Can you beat crash? If we were putting together a Guinness Book of World's Records of extreme cases of loss. What do you got?

[Caller/Ken]

Nah, my setup is about the same. Two good friends headed down to the beach. It was in Texas, headed to South Padre island. And me and my bud Rob, we ended up in Alice, Texas, very small town. I think we met everybody that lives in the town on our trip, but we ended up in Alice, Texas, which was about 180 miles out of our way. We never made it to Padre that day, but we did, we did stick around in the town of Alice, had a beer with some of the locals, made a day of it. And it's been one of our jokes long running. When people talk about Trips, we say. But have you ever been to Alice, Texas?

[Host/Bert]

I don't know if this is just a guy thing or not, but don't you completely. Like, even if you're in an area you don't recognize, won't you talk yourself into thinking, no, no, no, no, I do remember that now. I do remember that now. Before you know it, it's 200 miles.

[Guest/Crash]

Yeah, I've seen that gas station before.

[Caller/Ken]

Yeah, I absolutely agree with that. Under normal conditions. But when you got your best friend in the car and you're having a couple of beers and you're headed down to somewhere like Padre Island, Texas, and everything's good, the music's up, you're having a good time, Every. All that goes out the window. And I'm sure that's what happened with Crash and his. But they were having a good time, didn't think about it, knew that they were going the right way.

[Host/Bert]

That's three hours. 186. That's three hours after a while, like. And the thing with Crash is he.

[Co-host/Crash]

Takes that trip a lot. So it's as if at a certain period, you sense that, wait a second. I have been on this road a little too long. And it never occurred to him.

[Host/Bert]

404-741-1005 Good morning. Is it Nubia?

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Host/Bert]

Good morning.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Hi.

[Caller/Nubia]

We were actually. This is a couple years ago, we were meeting my dad in Paducah, Kentucky. He was coming out from past St. Louis, and we were coming up from Atlanta. And we've driven the road many, many times. And we get to the part where I don't know what highway it is, but if you keep going straight, it goes into Louisville, and if you branch off, it goes into Paducah. Well, we come up to the break, and my brother's looking at my mom, and she's like, hey, isn't that where we're supposed to go? And she's like, oh, no, no, no. There's another turn up here. We end up in Louisville.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Caller/Nubia]

So she's freaking out, and she thinks she knows where she's going, so she keeps on going and going and going. When we get to Louisville and we realize that we have to go all the way back down because there is no road between Paducah and Louisville.

[Host/Bert]

How many hours we talking about when all is said and done?

[Caller/Nubia]

It was about six hours.

[Host/Bert]

Six hours out of your way.

[Caller/Nubia]

And my dad waited the entire time.

[Host/Bert]

Of course. Of course. Well, yeah, six hours.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Wow. All right.

[Host/Bert]

And good morning, Kathy. You're on all the hits Q100.

[Caller/Nubia]

Hey, Bert. How are you?

[Host/Bert]

Good, thank you.

[Caller/Nubia]

Good. Well, this relates to my dad. He was in the service, and when he retired from the service, he still was able to catch the max flights that go from, like, one country to another. And he was just knocking around Europe just for the fun of it. After he went back to school and after he got out of school, he worked for a while and then he just decided midlife crisis hit, he'd go knock around Europe for a while. Then he'd take these flights from one country to the next. Well, he gets to Portugal and he ties one on at some sort of a festival, running of the vegetables or something. And he's pretty knocked out. I mean, pretty knocked out. And he thinks he's getting on a flight. They point him out to the tarmac and he. He wants to go from Portugal to Amsterdam instead. He ended up in Bangor, Maine. He lived in California at the time, so he figured, well, if he's back in the States, he might as well come on home.

[Guest/Crash]

That's great.

[Caller/Nubia]

That's so funny.

[Host/Bert]

I don't know that we can beat that. Yeah.

[Co-host/Crash]

Why do people in Portugal speak English?

[Caller/Nubia]

I don't understand this.

[Guest/Crash]

Why is there an L.L.

[Host/Bert]

Bean factory here in Amsterdam?

[Co-host/Crash]

Is that a burger?

[Guest/Crash]

The Amsterdam Lobster House. The Birch Show.

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[Narrator/Advertiser]

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