Podcast Summary: The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: What's the Right Gift for Your Stage of Dating?

Date: March 12, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show centers around the often-tricky subject of gift giving in romantic relationships—specifically how to pick the right type of gift depending on the stage you're at in your dating journey. The conversation is lively and candid, with plenty of humor, personal anecdotes, and real listener input. Hosts Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and the rest of the crew explore what kind of present sends the right message so you don’t end up overwhelming (or underwhelming!) your significant other.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Gift Giving by Relationship Stage

(01:01 - 05:29)

The crew breaks down a “gift formula” for different lengths of relationships:

• 1-2 Weeks (01:22):

  • Recommendation: Just a phone call on the holiday, maybe a card with a thoughtful (but not extravagant) note, or a small trinket like an ornament or lottery tickets.
  • "You could send the wrong message... Go too over the top on it, he’ll get freaked out." – Co-Host (01:12)

• 2-4 Weeks (03:03):

  • Suggestion: A romantic dinner (at home or out) or a small, simple gift tied to something you’ve talked about—like a favorite movie on DVD or a meaningful book.
  • "It’s a solid present that says nothing. That’s what you’re looking for, right? It doesn’t say I love you and it doesn’t say I’m not into you. It just says I’m being nice right now." – Co-Host (03:31)

• 1-4 Months (03:44):

  • Idea: It’s “definitely gift time.” Give something thoughtful but not expensive. Tickets for an experience together (concerts, sporting events, museum) or a sweater/dress they’ve mentioned.
  • "You're not trying to buy their love at this stage. It's about shared experiences." – Panelist 3 (03:44)

• 4-6 Months (04:22):

  • Upgrade: Consider more significant gifts, like a new golf club, an iPod, art, or even a romantic overnight hotel stay.
  • "You’re getting more romantic. This is up to six months of dating." – Panelist 3 (04:22)

• 6+ Months (05:29):

  • Long-term mode: Now you can go for bigger gestures—a weekend trip, booking a vacation, or sentimental items like a framed photo together.
  • "You're in a full-on relationship at that point. If you’re not saying boyfriend or girlfriend, this is probably the stage to do that..." – Panelist 3 (05:29)

• 3 Years+ (05:53):

  • Expectations rise: Time for diamonds or at least major romantic gestures.
  • "If you haven’t bought a diamond anything yet, do it. If you plan to get married, what are you waiting for? Because you know, like Beyoncé said..." – Panelist 3 (05:53)
  • "If you like it, then shoot up..." – Co-Host (06:04, riffing on Beyoncé’s lyrics)

2. Gift Alternatives and “Fast Forward” Rules

(06:11 - 07:42)

• If the relationship is unique—like you were friends for years before dating, or you’ve met each other’s parents—fast forward a step or two in the gift timeline.

• If you live together or have adopted a pet, you’re automatically at the “most serious” gift tier.

  • "If you've met the parents, then you should fast forward one step... If you live together, fast forward to the last step." – Panelist 3 (07:16, 07:33)

3. When To Get Gifts for the Parents

(07:42 - 08:20)

• General consensus: Not until engagement or marriage, unless you’re certain the relationship is heading that direction.

  • "I know in our relationship... I don't know if it was our first or second Christmas that we gave a general gift to the other family." – Panelist 1 (08:06)

• Jokes about dowries and “sausage rolls” lighten the mood.

4. Live Caller Scenario: What Counts After a Break?

(08:33 - 10:17)

• Caller Situation:

  • She dated a guy for four months, broke up for one month, then got back together. Should she get him a gift?
  • Advice: Go by the total time together, not just the most recent stint.
  • "If you guys are back, you don't take it from the one month period. Take it from the four-month period, you have history there." – Co-Host (08:55)

• Playful grill about break-up activities (cheating, hooking up with others) follows, with everyone keeping the tone cheeky and light.

5. Offbeat Gifting Questions

(10:18 - 11:01)

• When is lingerie appropriate?
  • Consensus: Six months is about right.
    • "Six months." – Panelist (10:28)
    • "There is going to be a fine line of creepy here..." – Co-Host (10:28)
  • Couple’s Massage?
    • Same tier as an overnight stay—after six months.
    • "Couple's massage will be the same time as the hotel stay." – Panelist 2 (10:55)

6. Philosophical & Playful Musings

(11:06 - 11:49)

• The group wonders, “What happened to just being in love and acting with abandon?” but quickly admits that in early dating, it’s mostly “game playing.”
  • "It’s all about game playing in the beginning." – Co-Host (11:11)
  • "What do you get after six years? — Sick of each other." – Panelist 2 (11:43)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On overdoing it early:
  "Tattoo's too much." – Co-Host (01:21)

• On relationship history and gifts:
  "You have history there. You just can’t erase it because you broke up for three hours so he could go hook up with somebody else." – Co-Host (09:03)

• Lighthearted humor:
  "Where would you put a waxy sausage log?" – Panelist 2 (05:02)

• Philosophy of relationship pacing:
  "If you've met the parents... they will ask what you gave or received and you have to have an answer for that." – Panelist 3 (07:16)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:01 – Introduction to gift-giving at different dating stages
• 03:03 – Moving into 2-4 week and 1-4 month gift ideas
• 04:22 – Gifts for 4-6 months dating
• 05:29 – Serious gifts after 6 months
• 05:53 – Major gestures after 3+ years
• 07:16 – Fast-forwarding gift steps in accelerated relationships
• 08:33 – Caller with break-up/make-up gift question
• 10:18 – When is lingerie or a couple’s massage appropriate?
• 11:06 – The hosts’ take on romance vs. “playing the game”

Conclusion

This episode is a lively, funny, and practical guide to navigating the gift minefield in new (and not-so-new) relationships. The Bert Show crew offer crowd-sourced wisdom, poke fun at their own histories, and aren't afraid to say what everyone is thinking—making this episode as helpful as it is entertaining. Whether you’re in week one or year six, they’ve got a gift idea (or a joke) for your romantic predicament.