The Bert Show (Vault): Where Is The Weirdest Place You Woke Up?

Release Date: December 1, 2025
Podcast Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, callers

Episode Overview

In this hilarious and relatable episode, the Bert Show crew dives into a memorable question: Where is the weirdest place you’ve ever woken up? Inspired by a wild scene from "Desperate Housewives," the hosts share their own experiences and take listener calls about bizarre, bewildering, and sometimes concerning places people have found themselves after a night out. The episode walks the fine line between laugh-out-loud anecdotes and cautionary tales, creating a blend of humor, honesty, and life lessons.

Key Discussion Points & Stories

Setting the Scene: TV Inspiration

• The question arises after a "Desperate Housewives" episode where Bree wakes up on the floor of a department store dressing room following a night of heavy stress and drinking.
  [02:28]
  • Bert: "We want you to answer this question. Where is the craziest place that you woke up?"

Show Cast Stories

Fallon’s "Three for Three" Weekend in Tuscaloosa

[02:53 - 04:26]

• Fallon recounts her first big out-of-town college football weekend, resulting in her passing out and waking up in three different locations in one trip:

  • Middle of a bar: "There was this little chair in the corner. I woke up in the chair in the corner of the bar."
  • Front steps of the Pike House at Alabama: "No, I was leaning against a pillar. Not a pillow, a pillar."
  • Floor of a friend's house: "I just passed out on the floor there at the house."

• Bert (joking): "Maybe you either have a drinking problem or a sleeping problem."

• "I think maybe I was tired… But definitely fell asleep three times." — Fallon

Bert Calls Out His Sister

[05:30 - 06:40]

• Bert shares (and gently roasts) his sister’s college escapade, where she woke up in a dumpster.
  • Bert: "She woke up in a dumpster. No, she did not."
  • Jokes fly about movie cliches and local infrastructure, but the story stands: the wildest place she ever woke up was literally among the trash.
  • Bert (sarcastic): "She's kind of trashy anyway."

Listener Stories: The Wildest Wake-Ups

The Flower Shop Mystery

[07:34]

• Amanda calls in to share her husband's tale: after a fraternity homecoming at Georgia Southern, he woke up in a florist shop and had no memory of how he got there.

Georgia Southern’s Reputation

[08:10 - 09:45]

• The crew reminisces about the wild party culture at Georgia Southern:
  • "Anybody from Georgia Southern ... loves being from, you know, being in Statesboro and going to Georgia Southern."
  • "A friend of mine got a minor in keg stands!"
  • Intern Ranny adds: "Lasted two years and woke up in Atlanta one day."
  • They joke that few finish their degrees without being party casualties.

Across State Lines: Waffle House Wakeup

[10:10]

• Kelly calls in:
  • "I woke up in a Waffle House booth in Tennessee."
  • Started the night in Atlanta; woke up with her friend, and a waitress tells them they've been there for three hours and are in another state.

The Pink Pony Floor

[10:43]

• Mindy recounts:
  • "I woke up on the floor at the Pink Pony…" (a well-known, infamous strip club).
  • Doesn't remember entry, just being picked up off the floor in the back.
  • Hosts in stitches but grossed out:
    • "That's not a good floor to be laid up on… that's a hazmat floor."

Rest Area Confusion

[11:48]

• Eric's story:
  • "I woke up in the southbound side of 85 in the rest area."
  • Had been out partying in Atlanta, awoke hours later behind the wheel in a rest area, going the opposite direction.
  • Hosts quickly note the seriousness: "Not funny anymore. You got lucky; you made it out of that one."

State Line Surprise

[13:43]

• Michelle:
  • "Started off in Atlanta... ended up in Glen St. Mary’s, Florida. And don’t know how I got there. Had a kid with me when I woke up, too."
  • Crew is in disbelief at the distance and gravity of the story.

Dunkin’ Donuts Disorientation

[15:14]

• Hollywood:
  • "I woke up in a Dunkin’ Donuts on the Buckhead side of town."

The Coast Guard Morgue

[16:23]

• Lisa shares for her sister:
  • "She woke up in a morgue."
  • Her sister, in the Coast Guard, after a night of drinking on base in San Francisco, somehow found her way to the morgue and woke there.
  • Crew: "Oh, there we go." (the wildest finale)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• Bert [04:09]: "Maybe you either have a drinking problem or a sleeping problem."
• Fallon [03:45]: "There was this little chair in the corner. I woke up in the chair in the corner of the bar."
• Bert [05:58]: "She woke up in a dumpster. No, she did not. The gnome."
• Crew [11:20]: "That's not a good floor to be laid up on… that's a hazmat floor."
• Eric [12:24]: "I had been in Atlanta and how I got on the southbound lanes coming from South Carolina, in the rest area, I have no clue."
• Lisa [16:29]: "She woke up in a morgue."

Humorous Observations & Running Gags

• Bert's ongoing teasing of callers and co-hosts for irresponsible behavior, but always keeps things light and self-deprecating.
• Regular references to Southern college party culture and the universal experience of "I don't know how I got here."
• Calls for more outrageous stories over "I just woke up in my car" types, upping the ante with each caller.
• Jokes about using listener stories as ideas for where to drop off partied-out friends now that they're the designated driver.

Important Timestamps

• [02:28]: Question introduced; Desperate Housewives reference.
• [02:53 – 04:26]: Fallon’s three strange wakeups in Tuscaloosa.
• [05:30 – 06:40]: Bert’s sister and the dumpster.
• [07:34]: Amanda’s husband in a flower shop.
• [10:10]: Kelly in Waffle House (Tennessee).
• [10:43]: Mindy at the Pink Pony.
• [11:48]: Eric and the I-85 rest area story.
• [13:43]: Michelle’s interstate journey to Florida.
• [15:14]: Hollywood in Dunkin’ Donuts.
• [16:23]: Lisa’s sister’s morgue story.

Tone & Takeaway

The episode is a riotous blend of confessions, camaraderie, and the kind of jaw-dropping, "that could have been me" stories that make for classic morning radio. While the humor never fails, there’s an undercurrent of caution—especially when the stories get a little too wild. Ultimately, it’s equal parts hilarious, jaw-dropping, and a PSA for responsible partying.