Vault: Which show member has the most sex?

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Bert Show - "Vault: Which Show Member Has the Most Sex?"

Date: June 10, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this lively and candid episode, the Bert Show team—Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and the crew—dive into a playful debate: Which married male show member is having the most sex? Through friendly competition and banter, the cast discusses perceptions, stereotypes, the realities of intimacy after marriage and kids, and ultimately reveal their real (anonymous) numbers in a humorous ranking game.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Kicking Off the Debate

• [01:01] The discussion launches with curiosity about which married male on the show "gets it the most."
• All agree, without hesitation, that Carl would be the front-runner.
  • "All three of us, hands down, were like, Carl." – Host 1 (01:33)
• Other married contenders: Intern Rich, Bert, and Jeff.

2. Stereotypes and Assumptions

• The team jokes about why they assumed Carl was the most sexually active.
  • "Because you're black. You know what, Take it, Carl... It's not a good thing that Jen thinks you're really horny. That is a good thing. Take it, Run with it." – Jen (01:49)
• Carl laughs it off but leans into the compliment.
  • "Well, I do get it in though." – Carl (02:02)

3. How Parenthood Changes Intimacy

• Carl reveals he has to get creative with three kids at home:
  • "At first we didn't have doors... Closet everywhere. Every room was christened." – Carl (02:43)
• All share laughs about the logistics of sneaking moments together, with stories about locking babies in high chairs just to fit in some alone time.
  • "Come on now, for real, let's keep it 100." – Carl (03:38)

4. Comparing Setups: Kids and Frequency

• Jeff and Carl trade competitive jabs over who has more opportunity for sex based on their home situations:
  • Jeff: "I have a door. I don't have kids." (04:42)
  • Host: "They gotta be having more sex." (04:48)

5. The Monthly Sex “Number” Game

• The cast suggests anonymously writing down average monthly numbers.
  • "Everybody write your number down next to your name... then she'll say, Jeff is having sex the least, Carl's having sex the most..." – Jen (05:55–06:13)
• Lots of jokes and nervous laughter about being honest, possibly oversharing, and whose mom might be listening in.
  • "I'm jumping into really dangerous territory here because I've been told this is the only thing I'm not allowed to talk about on the radio." – Host 2 (05:20)

6. Honest Talk About Married Life

• The hosts reference a David Arquette interview about scheduling intimacy with kids:
  • "When you're married with kids, you sort of have an internal schedule and if you don't get it during that window... you skip a week." – Host 2 (07:56)
• Discussion: Do married couples want to have sex daily? Most say no, it’s about quality and energy—not just numbers.
  • "I'll be the only guy in America that says this: I don’t want to have sex every day for 30 straight days." – Host 2 (08:42)
  • "Since having kids, the way the time that I do is totally changed... it's early in the morning now or not at all." – Carl (09:13)

7. The Reveal: Show Member Sex Rankings

• Results are announced, highest to lowest:

  1. Carl (the unanimous, distant leader)
     • "Carl is number one." – Host 1 (09:45)
     • "I'm getting high five. Yeah, baby." – Carl (09:53)
  2. Jeff
     • "Next on the list is Jeff." – Host 1 (10:00)
  3. Intern Rich
  4. Bert
     • "And then it goes to intern Rich. And then Bert, you're in last place." – Host 1 (10:17)

• The difference between Carl and Bert is revealed:

  • "Carl has sex X number of times more than Bert per month." – Jen (10:40)
  • "She had a bum me out 10." – Host 2 (10:44)
  • "Wait, you got above 10?" – Jeff (10:49)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "All three of us, hands down, were like, Carl." – Host 1 (01:33)
• "At first we didn't have doors... Closet everywhere. Every room was christened." – Carl (02:43)
• "Come on now, for real, let's keep it 100." – Carl (03:38)
• "Everybody write your number down next to your name..." – Jen (05:55)
• "When you're married with kids, you sort of have an internal schedule and if you don't get it during that window... you skip a week." – Host 2 (07:56)
• "I'll be the only guy in America that says this: I don’t want to have sex every day for 30 straight days." – Host 2 (08:42)
• "Carl is number one." – Host 1 (09:45)
• "Carl has sex X number of times more than Bert per month." – Jen (10:40)
• "She had a bum me out 10." – Host 2 (10:44)
• "Wait, you got above 10?" – Jeff (10:49)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:01 – Debate begins: Which married guy "gets it" the most?
• 01:49 – Stereotypes and laughter about assumptions.
• 02:43 – Carl on the logistics of intimacy with kids.
• 05:55 – The anonymous "sex number" game is introduced.
• 07:56 – Referencing David Arquette's marriage and sex advice.
• 08:42 – Honest talk: Not everyone wants sex every day.
• 09:45 – Results revealed: Carl is the king.
• 10:40 – Difference between Carl and Bert; numbers discussed.

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Tone & Atmosphere

• The episode is filled with camaraderie, friendly roasting, vulnerable admissions, and authentic laughter.
• The cast is open and direct, balancing humor with flashes of genuine marital reality.

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In summary:
This episode gives a hilarious and honest look at real married life, shattering assumptions, sharing behind-the-scenes logistics, and proving that for busy couples, laughter and candor go hand in hand—regardless of the numbers.

Transcript

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[Host 1]

I wonder, out of all the married guys on the show, who gets it the most?

[Host 2]

Was it the married guys or was it all the guys?

[Host 1]

Married guys?

[Host 2]

It was married guys. Okay, yeah.

[Host 1]

All right. All the married guys. Because we were like, I wonder who is getting busy more often. And I don't know why, but we all said, Carl, yeah, you were in first place. You were in first place. But we have intern Rich is also married. And then Bert and Jeff and Carl. So they're all four in here. So I don't know why we thought Carl was definitely getting it the most. I don't know.

[Host 2]

It wasn't even, like, it wasn't even debatable with her.

[Host 1]

All three of us, hands down, were like, Carl.

[Host 2]

Jeff was like, he's got like, you know, you've got a bunch of kids, so there's no way. Jeff was offended. Like, we're all very competitive. And he's like, carl's got too many kids to be having a lot of sex.

[Carl]

That's what I was wondering why y', all, why I came to that, that conclusion?

[Jen]

Because you're black. You know what, Take it, Carl. You know, it's automatically, yeah, you Get a lot of. There's a lot of white people who see you and lock their car doors. And it's not a good thing that Jen thinks you're really horny. That is a good thing. Take it, Run with it.

[Carl]

Well, I do get it in though.

[Host 1]

It might be because I've seen Carl's. I don't know, like Carl's relationship with his wife and like. No, his wife and I've seen his relationship with his wife and like y' all are just like, you just seem really close and like, I don't know, I think couples that seem more intimate and close are doing it more often.

[Wendy]

And then I thought about it when you were saying about your kids, like your kids, I wonder how much they're peaking. And then I was like, huh, I wonder how much he's doing it because he's doing it a lot more often. And then you guys are.

[Host 2]

How many kids do you have?

[Carl]

Three.

[Host 2]

Three kids.

[Carl]

Uh huh.

[Host 1]

He gets in the way. Huh.

[Wendy]

He's stressed out about it.

[Jen]

That must be some creative scheduling right there. Like.

[Carl]

Yeah, it's real creative because at first we didn't have doors. When I just moved into my new house, our new house, we didn't have doors. So it was real creative, baby. I mean. Yeah, you have no idea how creative you can get. Closet everywhere. Every room was christened.

[Jen]

Wasn't there one when you were between houses that all your kids were in one room? Because I think that would be convenient. You just.

[Host 2]

No, I think what he said was he was literally in between houses having sex

[Jen]

on the roads. Right, I did think of that. Like that would be convenient because all you do is like tie a bell to the doorknob or something and the kids go in there and if one of them comes out, you're like, I hear him. Like it's like putting him in a pen.

[Carl]

That's funny. I think every married dude, every married people person has a story like that. Cuz I used to literally lock my child into the, the, the high seat, high chair when they were born. Like the first baby.

[Host 2]

You lock the baby in the high chair, go up, have sex.

[Carl]

Come on. You didn't. Come on, man. Come on now, for real, let's keep it 100.

[Host 2]

100. You lock the baby in the high chair, you go up, get it done.

[Carl]

Don't get me wrong, don't get. I want you calling people. I, I was feeding my child. I was feeding my child something safe that I think that they could, you know, something.

[Host 2]

Yeah, something like liquidy something.

[Carl]

Yeah, exactly. Like some milk or something. You know, it's hard to. On some milk. Yeah. Five minutes.

[Host 1]

He's like, it's only going to take a couple minutes.

[Jen]

And he also gave his 8 year old Heimlich training and handcuffed him to the table right next door to it. So I was.

[Host 2]

And your wife was cool with it? Because if I would have tried to do that with Stacy, she would have never been able to get her mind off the baby being locked into the seat to enjoy what was going on.

[Carl]

She eventually was cool with it.

[Jen]

Eventually she broke her down baby.

[Carl]

But I mean, I'm surprised. I'm not really surprised. I kind of take it as a compliment, you know, that y' all look at me as such as a stud.

[Host 2]

I was assuming Rich, probably because, oh, I'm white.

[Jeff]

So that obviously kicks me out.

[Host 2]

I mean, they don't have kids.

[Host 1]

Why would you think. Oh. Cause the no kid thing.

[Jeff]

I have a door. I don't have kids.

[Host 1]

I mean, how long have you been married?

[Jeff]

Three years.

[Wendy]

Okay.

[Host 2]

They gotta be having more sex.

[Jeff]

More.

[Host 1]

Yeah, Definitely more than you guys.

[Wendy]

Yes, for sure. It'll be Carl, then Rich.

[Carl]

She's a rabbit.

[Host 1]

Then I can't figure out the other Berta.

[Carl]

Jeff. Who?

[Jeff]

I didn't get these abs just hanging around.

[Host 2]

Are we going to throw out numbers?

[Host 1]

Like how many times a week?

[Host 2]

Like how many times a week?

[Jeff]

That depends on the week.

[Host 1]

Okay. Just average it out in a month. And then that way you don't have to be as specific. Nobody will answer.

[Host 2]

I'm jumping into really dangerous territory here because I've been told that this is the only thing I'm not allowed to talk about on the radio.

[Carl]

Me too, mom.

[Jeff]

Put your earmuffs on.

[Host 1]

Does your mom listen to you?

[Wendy]

Want to write it down?

[Jen]

Oh, but you don't have sex with your mom.

[Jeff]

Whoa, man. That's a whole other conversation.

[Host 2]

That increases the number, doesn't it?

[Jeff]

Jeff's like, wait a second, we're not counting mine.

[Host 2]

I would say this. I'll give you this without saying anything but saying something. Do you have that clip that you played from David Arquette a couple of weeks ago? Because that resonated so loudly for me that I think that he would speak for me here.

[Jen]

I know how we could do this. And all of us could be safe. Everybody write your number down next to your name.

[Host 1]

Okay.

[Jen]

And then give it to Wendy or Jen.

[Carl]

Yeah.

[Jen]

And all you have to do is read them in order.

[Host 1]

Okay? Oh, okay. Just read the names in order without the numbers.

[Jen]

Yeah. So you write your Number down, whatever your number is, average it out over the past 30 days.

[Wendy]

Do it separately, because then y' all cheat, right?

[Jen]

And then like, so we write it down, we give it to Jen, and then she'll just put them in order, lowest to highest, and then she'll say, jeff is having sex the least, Carl's having sex the most, whatever, blah, blah, blah. But, But Jen, do you swear on everything that's holy? Who do I trust more, Jen or Wendy?

[Wendy]

Me and Jen both.

[Jen]

Who do you trust?

[Host 2]

This is for the month or this is weekly or what are we talking?

[Jen]

This is the month of a 30 day rolling average.

[Carl]

On average.

[Host 1]

30 days.

[Host 2]

I gotta be honest.

[Wendy]

Put your name on it too.

[Jen]

I need a larger piece of paper.

[Jeff]

How many zeros are there?

[Carl]

That'd be awesome.

[Host 2]

Yeah. This is just with our wives, right?

[Jeff]

Yeah. Jeff, this doesn't count. By yourself. No weed.

[Jen]

Pulling Dang.

[Host 2]

Farmville.

[Host 1]

Play Rich just called you out.

[Host 2]

Did you find that clip from Marquette? Because that. That thing was right on the money.

[Host 1]

Hang on a second, let me look. I was looking through to see if it was still.

[Host 2]

Here's why I'm embarrassed.

[Carl]

Carl's how many weeks in a month?

[Host 2]

And no lying. I'm being honest.

[Carl]

Me too. All right, I'll be honest. Let me. Let me lowball some.

[Wendy]

Give it to Jen.

[Jen]

Here, Jen, Carl's pen's running out of ink.

[Carl]

I'm done, man.

[Host 2]

In a month?

[Jeff]

That's hard.

[Carl]

Easy.

[Host 2]

Yeah, I'm not proud of my number.

[Wendy]

Carl's proud of his, aren't you?

[Carl]

I could be prouder. More proud.

[Host 1]

We done yet?

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

That's a hard thing to average out. Really?

[Carl]

Yeah.

[Host 2]

If your number is high, it's hard.

[Host 1]

Sounds like you're making excuses. Fellas.

[Host 2]

The David Arquette clip that I'm asking her to find is him basically saying when you're married with kids, you sort of have a internal schedule and if you don't get it during that window of opportunity, then you skip a week.

[Carl]

Definitely.

[Host 2]

And I think that.

[Jeff]

Have you guys, have you. Have you heard of the 30 day exercise you're supposed to do for if you're not getting enough when you're married? The thing is, there's some. I think there's a book or someone, a doctor came out with this. But basically you're supposed to go 30 days straight without. You have to make the time if you're booked and you need to schedule in. But if you can go 30 days straight for pretty much the entire month, they're saying from there on out, your sex Life will be better because it's about getting into routine. It's not that married couples don't want to have sex anymore. They just get used to not having sex.

[Jen]

I will promise you my next paycheck that a guy thought of that theory,

[Host 2]

and I will be totally honest with you. I'll be the only guy in America that says this. I don't want to have sex every day for 30 straight days.

[Carl]

And they say I'm just too damn tired. You build, you know, you build. It's like building a muscle.

[Wendy]

That is the first I've ever heard

[Host 1]

a guy say that.

[Host 2]

I'm just too damn tired.

[Host 1]

All right. I can't find it first. I'm sorry.

[Host 2]

It's okay.

[Carl]

30 days straight. Yeah.

[Host 2]

You just get up at 3:15 in the morning. Stacy's beat, too, running around the kitchen. She don't want to have sex with me 30, 30 times in a month.

[Carl]

Right.

[Host 2]

And I don't want to do it out of, like, obligation. Like, it's a number. We. We gotta do it tonight. I'd rather like both of us now.

[Carl]

Right. I tell you one thing. Since having kids, the way the time that I do is totally changed. I mean, it's early in the morning now or not at all. Yeah.

[Host 2]

I mean, just there's a window. When you have a kid, there's like a window of opportunity. Right. And if that window closes and you don't get it done, then, man, you could go quite a while until the window opens up again. Bummer.

[Host 1]

All right, you guys want to find out?

[Host 2]

Yeah.

[Host 1]

All right, the order, are we going

[Jen]

lowest to highest or highest to lowest?

[Host 2]

Go lowest to highest.

[Host 1]

No, Highest to lowest.

[Host 2]

Okay.

[Host 1]

Right. Okay. So the women on the show were right. Carl is number one.

[Jen]

Booyah. And that was. That was kind.

[Carl]

I'm getting high five. Yeah, baby.

[Jen]

Give me something.

[Host 2]

Be.

[Host 1]

Next on the list is Jeff.

[Host 2]

$J money.

[Host 1]

And then.

[Jen]

Hold on a minute. How close is that to Carl?

[Host 1]

You're pretty far away. I mean, he was. He was a distant second.

[Wendy]

Yes.

[Host 1]

So. And then it goes to intern Rich. And then Bert, you're in last place.

[Host 2]

Yeah, man, you probably laughed me, dude.

[Carl]

Yeah, that's not good because mine wasn't that high, though.

[Jen]

Can you just tell us, are you guys all cool if she tells us what the difference was between Carl and Bert? What? The number was the difference.

[Host 2]

Sure. But we can't say the number because that's what I think I'd get in trouble for.

[Host 1]

But there's the difference between.

[Jen]

Carl has sex X number of times more than Burt per month.

[Host 2]

She had a bum me out 10.

[Host 1]

What?

[Host 2]

Damn, man.

[Jeff]

Wait, you got above 10?

[Jen]

The Burt Show.