Vault: Who Moved In And Out In The Shortest Amount Of Time?

Summary

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The Bert Show – "Vault: Who Moved In And Out In The Shortest Amount of Time?"

Date: November 18, 2025
Podcast: The Bert Show (Pionaire Podcasting)
Main Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & more
Theme: Hilariously disastrous—and sometimes awkward—stories about moving in with partners and bailing out fast

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Episode Overview

This episode sets out to answer a quirky but relatable question: who has moved in with a partner and then moved out again in the shortest time possible? Inspired by a co-host’s friend’s moving jitters, the hosts share personal experiences, then open the phone lines for jaw-dropping, funny, and heartwarming listener stories of lightning-fast move-ins and even faster breakups. The tone is playful, supportive, and at times, riotously funny.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Anecdote: Move-In Panic (01:32 – 03:10)

• Host 1 recounts a story about a friend who had lived with her boyfriend for a few years and experienced a panic attack after moving in because she realized she had no home base to herself anymore.
• The group discusses how transitioning from “practically living together” to truly sharing a home is a bigger psychological leap than it seems.
• Quote (Host 1, 03:10):
  “What if she turned around and moved back out again? Like, I wonder…who has moved in and moved out in, like, the shortest amount of time?”

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2. How Fast Is ‘Moving Out Fast’? Defining The Challenge (03:10 – 04:05)

• They define the rules: must be a genuine move-in, with furniture or belongings, and a full move-out.
• The critical question: “As soon as the first piece of furniture goes in…realize I just couldn’t do it, and then moved out. That counts.” – Host 2 (03:28)

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3. Personal Story: Bert Gets Moved…Without a Choice (04:05 – 06:58)

• Host 2 (presumably Bert) shares how his now-wife, Stacy, orchestrated their move-in by relocating all his stuff to her place while he was in California, since he was “reluctant to actually take the step.”
  • Quote (Host 2, 04:27):
    “I leave for California. This is so typically my wife… She and Carrie take all of my stuff, bring it over to her place, and that’s how we started moving.”
• Hosts laugh about Stacy always “nudging” Bert into life’s next steps: exclusivity, moving in, saying ‘I love you,’ marriage, babies.
  • Quote (Host 2, 06:32):
    “You have to find somebody as big a lame ass as I am… Another guy to say, yeah, go ahead, move my stuff when I’m away.”
• Commitment phobia gets a nod:
  • Quote (Host 1, 06:53):
    “Your commitment phob-ness, I think, is more common than you think.”

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4. Listener Call-Ins: Wildest Fast Move-Out Stories

Nicole – The Underwear Incident (07:10 – 09:29)

• Nicole dated her boyfriend for three and a half years. After fully moving in (furniture and all), she comes home from work on Day 2 to find him wearing her underwear—bra and all!
  • Quote (Nicole, 08:04):
    “I went to work and came back home, and he was prancing around in my underwear.”
• She is so disturbed she moves out the next day.
  • Major host reactions: shock, uproarious laughter, and a little empathy.
  • Quote (Host 1, 09:03):
    “You’re, like, the MVP of the day.”

Bobby – The “Two Boyfriends” Fiasco (09:39 – 11:16)

• Bobby moves in by invitation, settles on the couch, girlfriend goes shopping—and another man walks in, also moving in! She had invited both boyfriends to move in without telling either.
  • Quote (Bobby, 09:49):
    “She went to the grocery store, and another man unlocks the door and walks in with his stuff. She asked him to move in, too.”
• Bobby promptly moves out within 2.5 hours.
  • The other boyfriend “wins,” and the woman ends up living with him in Alabama.
  • Quote (Caller 2, 11:10):
    “They’ve been together for the last two years.”

Keisha – The U-Haul Fight (11:33 – 12:29)

• Keisha moves the first piece of furniture in, immediately gets into an argument while still at the U-Haul, turns right around, reloads the truck, and leaves. “Lasted maybe about an hour.”
• Happy ending: Eventually, she and her partner decide to move into a new, neutral place together.
  • Quote (Keisha, 12:02):
    “We actually live together now, but…we just get a new mutual place that neither one of us was in before.”

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Memorable Quotes

• Host 1 (03:10):
  “I wonder who has moved in and moved out in, like, the shortest amount of time.”
• Host 2, on his wife moving his stuff:
  “I laughed it off…I’d committed. I was sort of ready to…” (04:56)
• Nicole (08:04):
  “I went to work and came back home, and he was prancing around in my underwear.”
• Bobby (09:49):
  “She went to the grocery store, and another man unlocks the door and walks in with his stuff…She asked him to move in, too.”
• Keisha (12:02):
  “…we just get a new mutual place that neither one of us was in before.”

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• 01:32 – Opening story: Move-in panic attack, what if you immediately moved back out?
• 03:10 – Challenge posed: "Shortest move-in/move-out story"
• 04:05 – Bert’s wife secretly moves his stuff in for him
• 07:10 – Listeners call in with fast move-out stories
  • 07:20 – Nicole: Underwear discovery
  • 09:39 – Bobby: Competing boyfriends
  • 11:33 – Keisha: U-Haul argument, quick turnaround
• 12:29 – Happy ending, closure for Keisha’s story

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Episode Tone & Takeaways

The episode is fast-paced, upbeat, and full of laughter as the hosts and listeners share outrageous, relatable stories about the pitfalls and surprises of taking relationship steps too soon or with the wrong person. Both the hosts’ and callers’ stories are woven together by the shared anxiety of moving in—and the comic relief of what happens when things go hilariously wrong.

The running message: sometimes you just know—immediately—that it isn’t going to work, and that’s perfectly okay…and occasionally, it even leads to a better solution.

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Transcript

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[Host 1]

Purchased the Birch show all right, so I have a friend who recently moved in with her boyfriend and you know, just kind of normal jitters about moving in with her boyfriend and whatever. And I think anybody that's ever lived, you know, had a live in kind of understands that. So she moves in with her boyfriend. They've been dating for a long time now, I want to say like two or three years or something like that. They move in or whatever and then a couple of days later she starts to have a panic attack about the whole thing and, and kind of panics and talks to talk, you know, talks it through with her girlfriends about like, she doesn't have the place to go home to. Because inevitably, when you are dating somebody seriously for that long, there's one house where you stay more, and there's one house that is just basically, like, you pay rent for a closet.

[Host 2]

It's generally the guy slowly, like, moving into the woman's place because it smells nice and clean.

[Host 3]

Or moving the woman into his place.

[Host 2]

Because she starts to turn it around.

[Host 1]

Yeah, exactly. So they were doing that for a while. So it was like, oh, this is not going to be that big of a deal. You know, normal jitters. Or whatever. But then, you know, once the reality set in, they're like, I have nowhere to go back home to. Like, there's no option to go back there. Kind of made her panic a little bit. So it made me think of her thoughts of possibly moving back out again. So they worked it out. Everything's going fine. The transition's going well. They're, you know, living together. Everything's happy, you know, hunky dory. But I thought at that time she was kind of having the panic attack. What if she turned around and moved back out again? Like, I wonder weekend. Exactly. Like, I wonder who has moved in and moved out in, like, the shortest amount of time.

[Host 3]

And we gotta call this decision.

[Host 1]

You know, he sits you down, asks you to move in. It's this really big deal. You're like, oh, my God, we're moving on to the next level of our life. And then it happens, and then you panic and you bolt, boil.

[Host 2]

Let me get phone number up. 404-741-1005.

[Host 3]

And it has to involve a full move out of your place.

[Host 2]

I think it has to be, like, the first piece of furniture. Like, as soon as the first piece of furniture goes in, like, if you were to call up and go, I got the. I got my couch in and then realized I just couldn't do it, and then moved out. Like, no, no, no, turn around. I got to move back. I think that's a legitimate phone call.

[Host 4]

Right.

[Host 3]

But I think it has to be like. I think the lease and, you know, it's the couple. The couple is Jen and Jeff. Like, Jen has to have said, okay, my lease expires on November 1. So in the last week of October, we are making the move. She has not renewed her lease. She's not looked for a new place.

[Host 5]

She starts moving, she has no place to go. You know, Like, I mean, she has nowhere else. This is her residence.

[Host 2]

This is something you agreed on, right? And then you have to Turn it around. Did I ever tell you about how Stacy and I moved in with each other for the first time?

[Host 3]

You mean when she moved you in her.

[Host 2]

I left for California. I came back, and all my. All my stuff was in her place. What? Yeah. We had agreed that we were going to move in together, but I was putting it off and putting it off and putting it off. I mean, months had gone by. I'll get to it. I'll get to it.

[Host 5]

Yes.

[Host 2]

We're gonna move in together. Yes. So I leave for California. This is so typically my wife. So she calls her best friend, and I get home and all my stuff is gone. It was already. It was in her place. I had even told my roommates that, dude, I'm moving out here over the next couple of months. And they were patient about it and patient about it. So Stacy pulls out with her, like a truck or whatever, and she and Carrie take all of my stuff, bring it on over to her place, and that's how we started moving.

[Host 3]

But were you mad?

[Host 2]

No. I laughed it off. I did. Because, I mean, I had committed. I was sort of ready to die.

[Host 5]

You were out of the move, and.

[Host 2]

I didn't have to move.

[Host 1]

You guys are like the quintessential couple of the wife pushing you into the next level of your lives.

[Host 2]

Everything.

[Host 1]

Every level.

[Host 3]

Everything.

[Host 2]

Everything we've ever done, I've agreed to it. Just been reluctant to actually take the step. And, you know, I come back from California, all my stuff's at her joint.

[Host 3]

I can't believe you wouldn't be. I think I would be infuriated.

[Host 2]

I wasn't, because we had been talking about it for so long.

[Host 3]

Even if I was. There's a reason that you didn't.

[Host 2]

Yeah, I guess. Yeah. It didn't bother me so much. But if somebody was telling me the story, I'd be saying the same thing you're saying, though.

[Host 5]

But I think the difference with Stacy and Bertha we have seen is that it's almost like Stacy. Stacy knows the decision that Bert is trying to avoid making, so she ends up making it for him because she knows he's never gonna do it. And then he'll be fine with it once he does, and then he'll pretend like he had done it himself.

[Host 2]

It's the fence. It's the fence that I get so scared of getting off of.

[Host 1]

Right. Cause wasn't it the first. The exclusive conversation, or did that happen more organically?

[Host 2]

What was the exclusive conversation?

[Host 1]

Like we're gonna date each other exclusively? Cause that's usually the first conversation that happens. The boyfriend girlfriend conversation.

[Host 2]

I'm sure she brought it up before I did.

[Host 1]

Then it's the moving in conversation.

[Host 2]

There was the I love you. She obviously brought it first. And I said. And I said no.

[Host 1]

Then there's the moving in conversation, which she just did.

[Host 2]

Yeah, she just.

[Host 1]

And then there's the marriage conversation. Then there was the baby, and then there's the baby. That's like all the steps.

[Host 2]

Absolutely.

[Host 1]

So, I mean, you guys are the quintessential couple. She's giving hope to all of us that want to nudge our significant others forward.

[Host 2]

I really, really would not suggest that to anybody. Listening, going, oh, I bet I could do the same thing. You have to find somebody as big a lame ass as I am, and you can't do that. You can't find somebody that is. Is as lame as I am. Another guy to say, yeah, go ahead, move myself when I'm away.

[Host 1]

No, I think your commitment phobias. Phobias Ness. Is that even a word?

[Host 4]

I don't know.

[Host 1]

I just made it up. Your commitment phob ness, I think is more common than you think.

[Host 2]

You really. I mean, it takes a special guy to, like Jeff said, come home from vacation like that and have all this stuff moved out and not blow a gasket and end the relationship. So I do not endorse that. Hey, Nicole.

[Caller 1]

Hey.

[Host 2]

Jen's question was we are looking for the person that moved in and then moved out in the least, the shortest amount of time.

[Caller 1]

Two days.

[Host 1]

Really? Oh, you panicked after two.

[Host 2]

First you got to give us some history of the date, like how long were you guys going out?

[Caller 1]

We were going out for three and a half years.

[Host 2]

All right.

[Caller 1]

And he asked me to move in with him. So we did and had gotten all my stuff. We used my bed tables, everything. We moved everything of his out because it was all nasty, dirty boy stuff.

[Host 3]

It had boy germs on it.

[Host 1]

Ew.

[Caller 1]

I went to work the next morning and came home because I forgot something and he was prancing around in my underwear.

[Host 3]

Hold on, hold on a minute.

[Host 2]

That was that.

[Host 3]

Say, say the last part of that again.

[Caller 1]

You went to work and came back home and he was prancing around in my underwear.

[Host 3]

Now tell us slower with more details. So you came back home cause you forgot something. So was the door locked or unlocked?

[Caller 1]

It was locked. I unlocked it.

[Host 3]

So you put the key in. You stepped through the doorway?

[Caller 1]

Yes, and he was in the bathroom in my underwear.

[Host 5]

Oh, in three years he had never. Cause I mean, when you're dating three years, you're over at somebody's place a lot.

[Caller 1]

Anything. I was totally shocked.

[Host 3]

And what did he do or say?

[Caller 1]

He really was too embarrassed to say anything. And I asked him, I said, what are you doing? And he's like, I was just trying them on, man.

[Host 2]

Oh, no.

[Host 3]

And what do you mean?

[Host 2]

Was it like, tops and bottoms?

[Caller 1]

Yes.

[Host 3]

So he had your bra on?

[Host 2]

Yes.

[Host 3]

So you moved in with your boyfriend, and then you moved back out when you found him wearing your bra?

[Caller 1]

Yes. And yeah.

[Host 3]

Just so you know. That's awesome.

[Caller 1]

That's scary.

[Host 3]

That's a great story.

[Host 1]

You're, like, the MVP of the day.

[Host 2]

Yeah, I don't think we're gonna be done going in this line of questioning here in a couple of minutes.

[Host 1]

No.

[Host 2]

Two days, you come home, he's dressed up in your stuff. That's it. You move yourself out the next day?

[Caller 1]

Yes. What did you tell that same day?

[Host 1]

Same day?

[Host 3]

What do you tell your girlfriends and stuff?

[Caller 1]

Like, I was just. I told him that he was prancing around in my underwear. And I was so embarrassed for him and myself just for looking at that way.

[Host 2]

All right, let's table that. Let's table that discussion for just a second. Okay. Thank you for calling.

[Host 3]

That right there is.

[Host 2]

We're not gonna let that go.

[Host 3]

That's good stuff.

[Host 2]

Good morning. Bobby, you're on Q100.

[Caller 2]

Good morning.

[Host 2]

Good morning.

[Caller 2]

Lasted two and a half hours.

[Host 5]

Oh, no. What happened?

[Caller 2]

I moved my stuff in. She asked me to move in. I got there, I moved my stuff in. I was sitting on the couch. She went to the grocery store, and another man unlocks the door and walks in with his stuff. She asked him to move in, too.

[Host 5]

What?

[Host 1]

Oh, God.

[Host 3]

So you're just sitting on the couch and you hear a key in the lock and, yes, it's a dude.

[Caller 2]

And a door opens, and it's a dude moving his stuff in. Come to find out, she had been dating both of us for a year and did not know.

[Host 2]

Well, she's an idiot. I mean, but she never thought, like, I'm about to get caught.

[Caller 2]

No. I guess she never thought that both of us would actually take her up and move in.

[Host 1]

Oh, my God. And she probably planned that grocery store trip on purpose. Like, I don't know what to do right.

[Host 2]

Now. She didn't know when she came home, like. Because only the strong is going to survive in this whole relationship. So when she leaves, she's like, someone's getting their ass kicked. I'm not sure who I'm gonna be Living with when I get home. But the weaker one is gonna leave.

[Host 1]

The last man standing gets the bedroom.

[Caller 2]

Actually, when she came home, I was moving my stuff out.

[Host 2]

Oh, you did? You volunteered?

[Caller 2]

Oh, yes.

[Host 2]

And he stayed?

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Host 2]

They still together now?

[Caller 2]

Yeah, they live out in Alabama together.

[Host 2]

You're better off without her, for sure.

[Caller 2]

They. They've been together for the last two years.

[Host 2]

See? All works itself out.

[Caller 2]

That's right.

[Host 2]

Thank you, sir.

[Caller 2]

All righty.

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[Host 2]

You think two and a half hours is the best we can do?

[Host 5]

Yeah, I just think that she didn't want to make the decision, so she's.

[Host 3]

Like, yeah, I need milk. Good luck. Good luck while I'm gone. What do you mean, good luck? Just. I need milk.

[Host 4]

Right.

[Host 2]

Bob and weave, buddy.

[Host 4]

What?

[Host 2]

Hey, Keisha.

[Host 4]

Good morning.

[Host 2]

You're on Q100.

[Caller 1]

Good morning. My story is nowhere near exciting as the other two, but. But I think I lasted maybe about an hour. I, like, moved in the first stitch of furniture, and we started arguing out at the U Haul. So I just brought my stuff back out, packed up the U Haul and closed the U Haul and drove off.

[Host 2]

Oh, my. So that was, like, a sign to you that this is never going to work? I'm just going to. I'm going to bail before we even move in with each other.

[Caller 1]

Well, you know, the weird thing is that we actually live together now, but we decided that instead of me moving to his place or him moving to mine, we just get a new mutual place that neither one of us was in before.

[Host 3]

Very good.

[Host 5]

That is totally. Like, you're making. You're tentatively making a decision you don't want to make, so somebody subconsciously picked a fight so that you'd have to.

[Host 1]

Go, you know what?

[Host 5]

I'm taking my stuff back. I am not moving in.

[Host 2]

And so, yeah, so great compromise, though.

[Host 1]

That's great.

[Host 2]

Thank you for calling the Burch show.

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[Host 1]

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[Host 1]

So good, so good, so good.

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