Vault: Who's Living A Single Life In Their Marriage?

Summary

The Bert Show: Vault – Who's Living A Single Life In Their Marriage?

Episode Date: January 29, 2026
Host Network: Pionaire Podcasting

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Overview: Main Theme & Purpose

This episode centers on a provocative question: Are there couples living “single lives” within marriage, particularly for the sake of their children or other external reasons? Inspired by headlines about New York Governor David Patterson openly admitting to mutual affairs within his marriage, The Bert Show explores the complexities of open marriages where spouses cohabit and parent together but pursue independent romantic and sexual relationships. The cast invites listeners in similar situations to share their stories, aiming for authentic, real-world perspectives on why couples might choose this unconventional path.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Patterson Governor Story as Catalyst (00:00–01:45)

• Host A recounts how Gov. Patterson admitted not only to his own affairs but also to his wife’s, sparking speculation that their marriage is sustained primarily for the children, with both living virtually single lives under one roof.
  • Quote (A, 00:15): “In my mind, what I heard him saying was that they were having affairs with other people, but both knew about it... at the epicenter of it is our kids.”

2. Clarifying the Episode’s Focus (01:45–02:34)

• The cast clarifies they are not seeking stories about swinging couples or joint-open relationships, but specifically about couples who separate emotionally and romantically while staying married for practical reasons.
• Quote (C, 02:14): “Swinging is out… This is not what they were doing.”

3. Reasons People Might Stay Married But Live Separately (02:34–03:17)

• The group considers social and financial reasons beyond "staying for the kids": family stigma, finances, and tradition.
  • Quote (A, 02:44): “Divorce is not an option in this family… I will not live with the legacy of being the first person on the family tree with a divorce.”

4. Caller Stories: Real-Life 'Single Lives' Marriages

a. Josh’s Story (04:57–07:20)

• [05:00] Josh calls in under voice disguise and shares how he and his wife separated emotionally but live together for their three young children. Both see other people openly; he describes their arrangement as “unspoken,” though they are both aware of each other’s partners.
  • Quote (Josh, 06:45): “We’re pretty much together only for the kids.”
  • Memorable Moment: Josh admits to having met his wife’s boyfriend and says his current relationships are more about “pissing her off” than actual desire.
  • A (07:04): “It’s unspoken… She aware…?”
  • Josh (07:05): “Oh, I’ve already met him.”

b. Female Caller: The Practical Open Marriage (07:26–11:44)

• [07:35] Another anonymous woman describes being “for” open marriage, having separate lives with her husband after early infidelities on his part. She is now only in the marriage for her kids.
  • Quote (Caller F, 08:40): “Exactly… But he wants me, his wife… He’s definitely still in love with me. But… my feelings are… he wasn’t faithful.”
• The hosts question how the children perceive the cold, distant cohabitation and if staying “for the kids” actually benefits the family.
  • C (09:17): “They know their parents are sleeping in different rooms…. More success in the parents who split than the ones that stayed together.”
  • Caller F (11:16): “I mean, eventually, you’re gonna divorce this guy, right?”
  • “Yes.”

c. Christine: A Sibling’s Perspective (12:16–13:24)

• [12:19] Christine calls in about her sister’s open marriage, where both openly date others but refuse divorce to avoid custody battles and upheaval for the children.
  • Quote (Christine, 12:48): “You guys just divorce and get it over with. You don’t even like each other… It’s easier for them to live in the same house with their kids…”

5. Expert/Counselor Reaction (13:32–13:59)

• [13:32] A counselor, Randy, calls to express strong opposition to the “single lives” approach, warning it is harmful for children:
  • Quote (Randy, 13:35): “They are going to screw up their kids so bad. I’m a counselor… I hate it for the kids. If you don’t want to be together, get separated.”

6. Cast Reflections: Is It Better to Stay or Divorce? (13:59–16:48)

• The hosts discuss examples where children of divorced parents grew up well-adjusted, even benefiting from seeing their parents develop healthy relationships post-divorce.
  • D (15:12): “Like one of my best friends… both are remarried and in great marriages now. So she got to grow up… seeing two examples of great marriages rather than one example of a bad one.”
• The tension and emotional consequences for the children are spotlighted, emphasizing that “playing pretend” might not provide the safe or healthy environment parents hope.
  • C (16:18): “But you can’t pretend like you’re not that good of an actor… Imagine, you know, two different bedrooms. The kids see that…”

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Notable Quotes

• A, 00:15: “At the epicenter of it is our kids.”
• A, 02:44: “Divorce is not an option in this family.”
• Josh, 06:45: “We’re pretty much together only for the kids.”
• Caller F, 08:40: “He wants me, his wife. Yeah. Well… my feelings are… he wasn’t faithful to me.”
• Christine, 12:48: “You guys just divorce and get it over with. You don’t even like each other…”
• Randy the Counselor, 13:35: “They are going to screw up their kids so bad. I’m a counselor… If you don’t want to be together, get separated.”
• D, 15:12: “She got to grow up seeing two examples of great marriages rather than one example of a bad one.”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00–01:45 — Gov. Patterson affair revelations, show’s central question set up
• 01:45–02:34 — Clarifying difference between open marriage vs. swinging
• 02:34–03:17 — Exploring non-kid reasons for staying together (family pressure, finances)
• 04:57–07:20 — Josh’s detailed call: living together only for kids with multiple outside relationships
• 07:26–11:44 — Woman’s call: open marriage, distant partners, future divorce inevitable
• 12:16–13:24 — Christine’s family example of open marriage for practical reasons
• 13:32–13:59 — Randy the counselor: professional perspective on harm to children
• 13:59–16:48 — Hosts reflect on real outcomes for children in divorce vs. cohabiting for kids

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Memorable Moments

• Josh describing the emotional detachment and meeting his wife’s boyfriend (06:45).
• Female caller bluntly predicting eventual divorce and focusing solely on the kids (11:16).
• The cast and counselor questioning whether “staying for the kids” is more harmful than honest separation (13:35, 16:18).

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Conclusion

This episode of The Bert Show dives into the realities and rationalizations behind couples who live together as “single people,” maintaining marriage for their children or practical reasons, often at the expense of genuine intimacy and happiness. Candid stories from listeners reveal complex motivations and question common assumptions about what is healthiest for children. The hosts and callers alike grapple with whether emotional honesty (even divorce) might serve families better than keeping up appearances.

For anyone curious about the realities behind “open” or parallel marriages, especially those driven by necessity or tradition, this episode offers an unfiltered, thought-provoking exploration.

Transcript

[A]

The Bird Show. I'm looking for a very specific person to go on the voice disguiser here, because I have been following the governorship of New York. This new governor, David Patterson, he came out over the last couple of days, and at first he said, look, I want to come clean with y', all, all right? I know I'm gonna be the governor. You guys are gonna dig, dig, dig, dig, dig. Well, save yourself some time. I had an affair on my wife, okay? She knows about it. We were having a tough time and in our relationship, but we were trying to keep it together for the kids. So I had a relationship yesterday. He said, you know what? I need to make an amendment to what I said. You know, like that thing two days ago about having an affair. What I meant to say was that I had a whole bunch of affairs, and my wife was having a whole bunch of affairs also. But now, at the end of the day, everything's fine. So in my mind, what I heard him saying was that they were having affairs with other people, but both knew about it, right? So the relationship is going so poorly, they're aware. This is who I'm looking for. I don't know that.

[B]

That.

[A]

I don't know that that's true, but that's what I'm looking for, okay? So in my mind, they said to each other, this relationship sucks. This is not going anywhere. But we've got kids, so we got to try to keep it together for them. So I'll tell you what. I know this is a wee bit unorthodox, but why don't you go out, find yourself a woman? Just go do what you gotta do. If you emotionally need to find a woman and sexually you need to find, just go do it. And I'll do the same thing. I'll find a guy. We'll still live under the same roof together. We'll still be married, but we'll be sort of living these separate lives. But at the epicenter of it is our kids.

[C]

Well, they pretty much are living single lives, even though staying married for the kids. But in their personal life, they're going out doing their own thing and with no repercussions.

[A]

So that's what I'm looking for. That specific situation, like an Atlanta version of that, that I'll put you on the voice disguise for, where you know about his relationship with another woman or vice versa. And he knows about yours. You even have. You may even talk about it. He comes home from his date, you guys sit down, and he says, wow, what a night. I had At Fridays last night. And then you said, really? I was just down the street at Applebee's with my boy. And let me tell you about it. Yet you're both okay with you guys.

[C]

Having an affairs and swing. Swinging is out. Like we. This is. This was not what they were doing. They were not going out as a couple. Because I just want to clarify because I'm sure you get a lot of couples who are swinging couples that will call in.

[A]

That's not what we're looking for.

[C]

We're not looking for that as you're doing as a tag team. You're doing it that you just decide, you know what, this is done. So let's do our own thing. But let's stay together in the house because of the kids.

[A]

Right.

[D]

Is there any other reason other than kids that a couple would do that? Like if you were a politician or if he was.

[A]

That's a great point.

[D]

You know, like family pressure.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like divorce is not an option in this family. Look, my grandmother didn't get a divorce. My mother didn't. I'm not either. I will not live with the legacy of being the first person on the family tree with a divorce. So we're sticking together.

[D]

Yeah, maybe so.

[A]

Maybe.

[D]

Yeah. It does seem like kids would be the only reason you would do that. But maybe there are other reasons.

[A]

So it's a.

[E]

What about women in finances? Do you talk about that? Like women who would.

[D]

That's true.

[E]

Just be okay with it because of financial reasons. We've talked about that before.

[A]

Because he's taking care of her. He doesn't want to give up 50%.

[E]

Yep.

[A]

So you go ahead, you find yourself a man. Do whatever you got to do.

[C]

Just.

[A]

I just want to stay married to you. And I'm going to do what I'm going to do. I want to know how that first conversation went. How'd you get her to buy into that or vice versa?

[E]

How'd you start that?

[D]

I'm sure it's not a written up negotiation. I'm sure it just happens.

[A]

I don't know. 404-741-Q100. We are. We're fishing with a pretty small net, so let's see what we got. We got a lot of theories about the governorship, but not what I'm looking for yet. Hey, Nikki, you're on Q100.

[B]

Hi.

[F]

How are you?

[A]

Good. How are you?

[B]

I'm fine.

[F]

I did not think they were having affairs. I think it was something a little bit more freakier than that.

[G]

I think they were probably Winging.

[A]

And that's not. We're looking for. We're not looking for swingers that have.

[C]

That is an interesting theory about Governor Patterson, but that is not what we're looking for.

[A]

Because if he comes out and he says that we were swinging, that's totally and completely unacceptable for a public official. But if he says, look, we were having a tough time in our relationship and I had an affair and she had an affair or affairs, you can more easily accept that. But you don't want a freaky swinger as the governor of one of the biggest states in the country.

[C]

Right. And also because they've said they've worked it out. So we're under the assumption now that Governor Patterson and his wife are no longer having extramarital affairs. So I think that anything. Well, he said that. Exactly. That's what I'm saying is that that's why it's palatables because, oh well, they worked it out. That's great.

[D]

And in comparison to Spitzer, it wasn't illegal what he did.

[A]

Right, right. The situation may be a total lie. Cuz we can't find one person that wouldn't. That's saying, yeah, I was. Well, maybe. Hold on, I think we're getting closer. Josh, good Morning. You're on Q100.

[H]

Hey, Bert, can I be on the voice disguiser, please?

[A]

You sure can.

[E]

Hey, Josh, do you need a fake name?

[H]

Yeah, that is a fake name.

[A]

Okay.

[H]

I'm in a similar situation right now in my. Me and my wife. About two months ago, she came to me and she says, listen, the relationships not working, so forth and so on. She said, I want to split up. And I said, okay, well, for about 30 days. Not even 30 days. I moved out of the house. We've got three kids together and everything like that. Well, she comes to me about 30 days, you know, 30 days later, I had already quit paying the bills and you know, I was paying child support and stuff like that. She comes to me and I told her, I was like, listen, I want a custody of the kids, so forth and so on. And you know, I knew she had a boyfriend, but I didn't say anything because I knew she was like having an affair in the beginning, and I knew it. So she was like, listen, I don't have a place to stay anymore. And I was like, well, what do you want me to do about it? She was like, you know, let's get back together. I was like, okay. So we ended up getting back together and one thing leads to another and keeps her boyfriend and we end up coming to an agreement. Listen, you're gonna. You live your separate life. I'll live my separate life. If you need a girl, you know, you get a girlfriend if you need it. And I said, look, if you need a guy friend, you get a guy friend. Well, she's got a boyfriend. She's had a boyfriend for about three months now before we split up. She lives at my house. We stay together pretty much just for the kids. She works every day, I work every day, so forth and so on. She comes home every afternoon and about seven o' clock she gets on the phone with her boyfriend, you know, like last night she went out with him and so forth and so on. And I mean, I've got a girlfriend, but I've mainly got a girlfriend to piss her off. Not really, because, you know, I wanted a girlfriend because I didn't want none of this to happen in the beginning. But I've got. I've actually got like three different girls I'm talking to and they'll pop up and come by the house sometimes and stuff like that. And, you know, that's. It's pretty similar to what you were saying, you know, we're pretty much together only for the kids.

[A]

It's unspoken, though, between the two of you, though. Right. So is she aware that, you know, that she's got this boyfriend now?

[H]

Oh, I've already met him.

[A]

Oh, you have?

[H]

I mean, I met him. I met him like before. I met him before she moved back into my house.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

How old are the children?

[H]

My daughter is 6, my son is 4, and I've got another son that's 3.

[C]

Because, you know, eventually those children aren't going to be fooled.

[A]

I'm going to keep Josh on hold. Good morning. Q100.

[B]

Good morning. How are you?

[A]

Good, how are you?

[B]

I'm good.

[F]

Calling about the open marriage relationship thing.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

I'm totally for it.

[C]

You're for it?

[F]

I'm for it. I've been with my husband for over 10 years. We have two children. But in the beginning it was really good. Of course, a lot of bad things happened between us, so I'm pretty much in the marriage now for my children. Our relationship are. I guess you can say it's after 8:30. Our sexual relationship is just not there. And I know he has needs and I occasionally have needs, and I'm totally fine with him having another woman. He's not admitted to it, but surely he has to be doing it somewhere, so.

[A]

And you have your own separate relationship with another guy?

[F]

I had Previously. Not right now. No. I'm more focused on my career and my children.

[D]

You guys had this conversation that it's.

[A]

Okay for you guys to go.

[F]

We have this conversation. It's actually a fight. We have this fight all the time when he comes to me and wants to be with me physically and I turn him down. And that's when we, when we fight about it.

[E]

So what do you say? Like, don't, don't get mad at me. I've told you, go get someone else.

[F]

Exactly.

[C]

But he wants you.

[F]

But he wants me, his wife. Yeah.

[C]

Imagine that.

[F]

Yeah. Well, I mean that's.

[A]

Does he, does he claim that he's still in love with you?

[F]

Oh, yeah, he's definitely, definitely still in love with me. But, but my feelings are. In the beginning when I was in love with him for four or five years, he wasn't faithful to me.

[D]

Wow.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

How old are the children?

[F]

We have a. He'll be nine in May and we just. Our daughter just turned two.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Because I'm wondering what the window is when the kids are understand what's going on. They may not know fully, but they know that you don't get along.

[F]

Yeah, no, I don't think, I don't think they really get it. We don't really sleep in the same room. My daughter sleeps with me.

[C]

Well, they'll, I mean, eventually the nine year old probably is noticing. I just, I'm not having friends, you know, that I grew up with. I have seen more success in the parents who split and then the ones that stayed together because the kids aren't stupid.

[F]

Yeah, no, no, I get that. It's not like we, you know, we have these huge knockdown drag outs in front of the children over sex. But.

[C]

No, I understand that. I'm just saying they notice in the house. Like they know their parents are sleeping in different rooms. They know. Like what I'm saying is one of my best friends was a more successful adult because her parents divorced and did not try to play these games.

[F]

Yeah, no, no, I agree that, that, that may be the case for some people, but for us it's working. I mean, it's working for me. I don't know how well it's working for him.

[D]

I mean, you're defining the major relationship in your life for your children. Like you're defining marriage for them right now.

[A]

But they have no idea what's going on.

[F]

Yeah, they have no idea what's going on.

[D]

But what I'm saying is what the 9 year old is seeing in the house right now is.

[C]

I disagree. Yeah.

[D]

I mean, that's the example that is being set for marriage.

[A]

And what you're saying is that that would be a stronger example than the example of divorce for you.

[F]

For me? Wow. Yeah.

[A]

And when your husband found out about the guy that you were dating, what.

[F]

Was he actually split up at the time? When I. When I was dating this particular person, my husband wasn't living with us or anything then. That was when we had. We were separated for a year and a half, and then I wanted to have another baby, and I didn't want to have another baby with another man. So we worked it out, and we got back together. We weren't married at the time. We got married when I got pregnant with my. With my daughter.

[C]

But now you don't want to sleep with him anymore?

[F]

No.

[D]

She got her baby. She got what she wanted.

[A]

I mean, eventually, you're gonna divorce this guy, right?

[F]

Yes.

[A]

And you both know it.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

How old does your 2 year old have to be for you to do it?

[F]

That's a good question. It's really a good question. It's hard. I really am considering it now, but we're really, really, truly best friends. I mean, that connection is still there, but as far as the emotional side and, you know, the romantic side, it's just not there for me at all.

[A]

Well, I appreciate you calling, opening up to us for sure.

[B]

All right. Sure.

[C]

Good luck.

[B]

Thank you. Bye, guys.

[A]

Bye.

[D]

Fascinating. Wow. Wow, wow. Just her ability to compartmentalize it all.

[E]

Like a guy.

[C]

He sounds like he's. I just would like to talk to him. Even though the infidelity happened before, it sounds like he's. He's a little more pain if they're fighting about it. Somebody still cares.

[A]

I should have asked her. Like, what's to keep him from just saying, you know what? This is done for me. Here. Take your 50%. I mean, eventually he's gonna come to that.

[E]

Well, obviously. It sounds like he wants to somehow make it work.

[A]

He keeps trying. Hey, Christine. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[B]

Hi. My sister's in the same position. She doesn't want to split up because of her kids. And I don't really know why, because they just fight all the time, but they have an open marriage. He'll go out on dates, he'll come home, talk to her about it, Talk to me about it. She'll go out, talk to me about all of her escapades. And I'm like, you guys just divorce and get it over with. You don't Even like each other. But they don't want to go through the messy divorce. They don't want to have to have their kids go through it, go through custody battles and stuff like that. So it's easier for them to live in the same house with their kids and not have to go through all that crap, apparently.

[A]

All right, so this definition that the governor is talking about here that we painted today, this is the definition of an open marriage where you get to go on date. Yeah. And. Yeah. Not Governor Perdue.

[C]

Yeah. Governor Pattison.

[A]

That would not fly with the missus. Not in Georgia. So, yeah, I guess this is the definition of an open marriage where everybody gets to date and I guess gets to have sex with other people also, but you just keep it together strictly for the kids.

[B]

Yeah. And that's about it. That's all they're doing is keeping it together for the kids because they don't want to have to go through custody.

[A]

Yeah. I guess only time will tell if that's the healthier solution to the whole thing. But most are calling up saying they think it'll screw up the kids. Good morning, Q100.

[G]

Yes, this is Randy.

[A]

Hey, Randy.

[G]

I'm calling because they've got to be out of their mind. They are going to screw up their kids so bad. I'm a counselor, and I deal with this kind of crap all the time. And I hate it for the kids if you don't want to be together, get separated. It doesn't sound like the lady's being much of a mother when she comes home, gets on the phone and talks to the boyfriend.

[A]

It's the pull of having kids. I was just talking about this with somebody a couple of days ago. I hope he's not listening. Who is sort of in the same situation where they have a couple of kids and he's just. He's not into his wife anymore. He just. He sort of feels like in his heart that it's over and he's basically living downstairs and she's living upstairs. But they think it's more important for the kids to see them together than to have the complications of him not being in the house for half of the time.

[D]

I don't know. Like Melissa said, I mean, I know a lot of adults that are really healthy adults that are children of divorced families.

[C]

Yeah. Because I think. Yeah, because in their world, the parents seemed stronger. They made the decisions. They still treated their children with love and respect, and they treat each other with respect, but there's no trying to patch it up. And there's No, I mean, it's just there's a decision that was made in a life that is honest instead of this, because it is. Imagine the tension in the house of living downstairs, upstairs. Imagine, you know, two different bedrooms. The kids see that and like Jen said, that is, that is the example of marriage. And I don't know, you'd rather them.

[D]

Go ahead and get divorced and maybe be able to develop healthy relationships as examples, but develop them separately. Like one of my best friends has, you know, her parents divorced when she was young, but both are remarried and in great marriages now. So she got to grow up even though going through the split, she got to see two examples of great marriages rather than one example of a bad one.

[C]

Right.

[D]

You know, like so. And you know, her mom and her stepdad are great together. Absolutely. She feels like meant to be together. Her mom or you know, what did I say the other one, dad and stepmom, you know what I'm saying? Those are great marriages now and they both have additional children from those great marriages. So she feels like it was way better than growing up in a house where they were not happy and they were fighting.

[A]

I guess there are some that probably just think that the worst case scenario ever, like the non option is leaving the house, is not having both parents in the house. But if that happens, we will do whatever we can no matter what. It's just not an option. So then we'll stay in the house together and we'll play pretend.

[C]

So tension. But you can't pretend like you're not that good of an actor if you are fighting, if you are avoiding eye contact, if you're not talking to each other but in the same room, just breathing the same air. That's not good enough. That's not good enough. You know, And I just think it's this symbolic thing. Like I came from a home where parents married 51 years, but I, you know, like Jen and I were saying, some of my most just well adjusted friends and loved ones come from parents who got divorced and were honest about it.

[A]

Right, right. The Birch Show.