Vault: Why is it so hard to relax?

Summary

The Bert Show – Vault: Why is it so Hard to Relax?

Episode Air Date: July 6, 2026
Main Cast: Bert, Melissa, Wendy, Katie, Jen, Jessica (caller), Kendall (caller)

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Episode Overview

In this episode, the Bert Show team dives into a candid discussion about the difficulty many people face when trying to relax in today’s hyper-connected world. With personal anecdotes, listener input, and a mix of humor and vulnerability, the cast explores how smartphones, societal pressures, and ingrained mentalities make genuine downtime feel wasteful or guilt-inducing. The group also touches on how constant connectivity impacts relationships, both romantic and familial.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Struggle to Relax (01:30 – 04:33)

• Pressure to Stay Productive:
  • Melissa opens up about feeling unable to relax, even when sick:

    “If I’m sitting on the couch watching TV, I feel guilty about it. Like, I should be doing something else… I never can really, truly just sit still and relax.” (01:53)

• Technology as a Barrier:
  • Bert proposes that smartphones, especially those that keep us accessible 24/7, are a major reason why relaxation seems impossible now.
  • Wendy shares her strategy:

    “If Stacy and I and the kids are out to dinner, I’ll leave the phone in the car now. It’s so freeing. I didn’t realize how chained I was to that BlackBerry until it wasn’t within reach.” (03:45)

2. Smartphone Addiction & Culture (03:21 – 05:23)

• Ubiquity of Notifications:
  • Katie and others discuss how seeing your phone or hearing notifications creates a compulsion to check it, interrupting relaxation and genuine connection.
  • Wendy reflects on the American work-centric mentality:

    “Our mentality in our country is we live to work… Whereas if you travel around the world… people work six or eight hours and they’re done, their mind is clear and they get to go and enjoy life, or they have siesta in the middle of the day…” (05:23)

3. Social Comparison and Societal Norms (04:33 – 05:50)

• Melissa argues it’s more than just phones; it’s a mindset of constant self-pressure to always be productive.
• Bert and others reminisce about pre-smartphone times when physically leaving the office meant being truly unreachable.

4. Impact on Relationships and Attention (06:12 – 07:25)

• Katie shares how her father’s workaholic tendencies shaped her sensitivity to distraction and lack of presence at home.

• Wendy emphasizes how smartphones can force people to be “rude” unintentionally, splitting attention and making interactions superficial:

  “When she’s on that phone… her total attention’s on that email. And for me, it just brings back memories of, I just want you to pay attention to me. I don’t care if it’s for 10 minutes…” (06:12)

5. Technology and Marriage (07:27 – 10:11)

• Caller Jessica asks if technology is behind shorter marriages today.

  • Jessica shares her learning from her second marriage to avoid bringing work and phones home, making her more present.

• Wendy comments on technology making infidelity both easier and riskier (because of the digital footprint):

  “What the Internet has done has made infidelity more accessible, but it’s made it more difficult also, because you leave an electronic fingerprint anytime you text or anytime you email or anytime you go to somebody’s website…” (08:49)

• Bert shares a story of someone being caught in a lie due to the inability to back up a fabricated alibi with a photo (09:09).

6. Divorce, Option, and Cultural Change (09:46 – 10:11)

• Katie points out that divorce being more socially acceptable now also factors into why marriages may not last as long, beyond just technological distraction.

7. Prioritizing Presence and Family Time (10:13 – 11:42)

• Caller Kendall reflects on how phone use reinforces the illusion that we’re all “the most important people ever,” and that the world won’t stop if we unplug during family time:

  “The whole world is not going to stop if you don’t answer an email for a couple of hours so you can have dinner with friends or with your family or whatever…” (10:13)

• Katie and Bert joke about being “old fashioned” for believing in limits on after-hours communication or prioritizing family dinners (11:26).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “There’s something mentally freeing about not being able to get to it [the phone].”
  — Wendy (04:09)
• “Our mentality in our country is we live to work… it’s running and running and running…”
  — Wendy (05:23)
• “It’s so complicated because that may be one element, but there’s another element where divorce is an option… that doesn’t mean they were happy.”
  — Katie (09:46)
• “You end up ignoring the people who actually are important.”
  — Kendall (Caller) (10:48)

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Important Timestamps

• Struggling to Relax Starts: 01:30
• Smartphones and Mentality: 03:21–04:51
• Cultural Comparison and Presence: 05:23–06:12
• Caller Jessica on Marriage & Tech: 07:27–08:46
• Infidelity and Digital Evidence: 08:47–09:46
• Kendall on the Illusion of Self-Importance and Family Time: 10:13–11:42

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Summary Tone

The conversation is honest, relatable, and laced with the show’s characteristic humor. There’s warmth as the cast reveals vulnerabilities and jokes about “ancient” habits like respecting family time and leaving work at work. The tone moves between playful teasing and serious reflection, offering listeners both comfort and insight.

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Conclusion

This episode of The Bert Show provides a thoughtful but entertaining look at why it’s become so hard to relax, even when we want to—and what continually “being on” is doing to our personal lives and relationships. By blending real-life stories and listener perspectives, the cast highlights the challenges we all face in disconnecting, reminding us of the value of genuine downtime and being present with the people who matter most.

Transcript

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[Burt]

Show Jen and I both brought up something after their show yesterday that we're both struggling with. And then Wendy was nodding. So this may be a chronic problem that in this generation or this world that we live in, where downtime or relaxed time feels like wasted time, at least that's the way it feels for me.

[Melissa]

Yeah, I can't really relax. Like, I know I realized it last week when I've been last week and this week while I've been sick. Like, you know, the doctor. I went to the doctor, and basically they said, just rest. Like, sit still. Just rest. Like, let your body get better. And I feel guilty about it, like, the entire time. Like, if I'm sitting on the couch watching tv, I feel guilty about it. Like, I should be doing something else. I should be at least, like, on my laptop checking and responding to emails. I should be, you know, on my BlackBerry clearing that out or calling somebody, returning phone calls or paying bills or whatever it is, doing laundry. I mean, like, I never can really, truly just sit still and relax.

[Burt]

And I have a theory about this. And I think Burt Might be the most qualified person to weigh in on this because you have kids, which would be another, like, a forced distraction. But I think the reason that we all feel that way is because of the BlackBerry or the iPhone or the smartphone that you carry. Because when it came up in the meeting, Jen brought it up first, and then I kind of seconded it and said, I'm trying to get better at it. Wendy nodded through the whole thing, but Melissa didn't really respond. Melissa is also the most disciplined about setting up her BlackBerry or whatever.

[Katie]

My Samsung code.

[Burt]

Your Samsung code. Which get email on it, though, right?

[Katie]

Smartphone, yeah.

[Burt]

So she gets the email and text and all that right in the palm of her hand. But she fusses at Katie Jo about setting it up. I don't know if any of us do. Like, we always have it. So you.

[Katie]

Well, Katie and I have had the conversation where we. Like, there's been one night where I said, you have to leave it in the car, and there's another night where you have to leave it in the kitchen. Because I think the thing is, if you see it, you have to pick it up and have to look at it. Because. Because you are. Because the smartphone has made you talk about our culture. I think the smartphone has made us accessible 24 7. And before we were not accessible 24 7.

[Wendy]

There is something about. I think Melissa nailed it, because I've been doing this a lot lately. It's just keeping it in another room. Like, if Stacy and I and the kids are out to dinner, I'll leave the phone in the car now. It's so freeing. I didn't realize how chained I was to that BlackBerry until it wasn't within reach. I mean, you really get to focus on what you're doing if it's not within arm's length or you see the

[Katie]

light going off or whatever.

[Wendy]

Even if I have it off in my pocket, I always sort of know it's there. There's something mentally freeing about not being able to get to it.

[Melissa]

I do that beyond the phone.

[Jen]

I'm the same way. I think I have ants in the pants syndrome. I can't. I feel like I'm missing something if I'm sitting on my couch. Like, there's something else going on that I can't get to, and I'm being lazy. By sitting on the couch and just relaxing.

[Wendy]

You should be filling it with productive time.

[Melissa]

I should be, like, cleaning my house, doing the laundry. You know, there's dishes in the sink. Put those away. You know, you should. I mean, there's always like, something else to do. Whether it's like, housework or. Or actual work or being tied to the smartphone. I mean, I think it's like. Think it's more than just the phone. I think it's like just this sort of state of mind.

[Burt]

I don't know if it's the phone that. I think the phone is what. For me, I think the phone is what caused that. Now, I don't now, just because without the phone that you got email on, like, if I was physically away from my computer with my laptop or desktop computer, I was physically away from it. It's. And one of y' all sent me an email and asked me a question about tomorrow's show or a date of an event or something like that. I wouldn't even know that existed. You know what I mean? So it's like. Like bert said, It's a 247 accessibility thing.

[Wendy]

I've always had this mentality, though. I think the phone has made it worse, but I think it's a mentality. And here's where I think people that travel have an advantage. Because you realize as you travel around the world that most other countries aren't like this. Our mentality in our country is we. We live to work. That's what we do. I mean, it's make more money. It's keep up with the Joneses. It's financially be better and set more settled than somebody else.

[Burt]

Get right side up in your house. Cause you overleveraged it during the credit boom.

[Wendy]

It's running and running and running and running. Whereas if you travel around the world, you realize that people work six or eight hours and they're done, their mind is clear and they get to go and enjoy life, or they have siesta

[Melissa]

in the middle of the day where everything shuts down for like two or three hours.

[Wendy]

Now, there's a reason why they're third world countries. You know, there's a payoff for everything.

[Burt]

Italy's not a third world country. And they have a siesta.

[Wendy]

Yeah. And they do pretty well themselves over there.

[Katie]

Yeah. And I guess, you know, my brother and sister and I were sensitive because our dad was a workaholic. And so it's to be on the other end of the excuses or the absence or the absence of attention or the gotta get this done. I think, you know, we kind of tried to make a mental note to not do that, because it is. And when I see Katie do it, she did not have the same experience growing up. And so when she is Katie is constantly, constantly distracted all the time. And the phone. And the phone is one of the main reasons why. Because I noticed that if the phone is in the car or the phone's in the kitchen, and if she doesn't see it, she completely relaxes. She may still want to get up and do something, but it's not this. I'm completely distracted from what you're saying to me because the smartphone forces you to be rude to another person when it comes to conversation. If it's dishes, we can be in the kitchen talking while we're doing dishes, and we can be talking while we're doing laundry. We can talk while we're doing stuff around the house. But when she's on that. That phone, she's trying to do the huh, huh, huh. But her total attention's on that email. It's on that tags, it's whatever she's doing. And it's just. And for me, it just brings back memories of, I just want you to pay attention to me. I don't care if it's for 10 minutes, but don't try to spend 30 minutes pretending like you're paying attention, because it hurts my feelings worse.

[Burt]

Hey, Jessica. Welcome to the bird show.

[Jessica]

Good morning, guys.

[Kendall]

I love your show.

[Burt]

Thank you very much.

[Jessica]

I was actually calling to comment on what you were just talking about. I was wondering if you guys thought that marriages aren't lasting as long as. Well, because of all of our technology now. Because before, you know, everybody was married, you know, 20, 30 years, our grandparents and things like that. But now marriages just aren't lasting as long, it seems. You know, nobody has time for really focusing on anything.

[Burt]

It's not because of the BlackBerry. It's because of classmates. Dot com. That's Facebook. Yes.

[Wendy]

It's a complicated answer, because there really is kind of two levels to it. Yeah, we're more distracted. But also, you know, infidelity, I think, is made easier but also made more difficult by the computer also.

[Jessica]

I was actually just thinking about that. It actually is made easier just because there's so many levels of being able to lie. Well, you're not. You know, they're just. It's just easier to lie about everything, and it's easier to meet people as well. I'm just talking, like, from my second marriage. I know that I am on my second marriage now, and I know that no matter what, I want things to happen. So because of that, I don't take my work home with me. I don't take my phone home with me. You know what I mean, I. A lot more focused on it now. And I do see that there's just different.

[Kendall]

It's different.

[Jessica]

Now,

[Wendy]

a private investigator a couple of months ago that said that what the Internet has done has made infidelity more accessible, but it's made it more difficult also, because you leave an electronic fingerprint anytime you text or anytime you email or anytime you go to somebody's website, that it's much easier to get busted now than it was 30 or 40 years ago.

[Burt]

I can't remember if I told y' all this, but I know somebody who got busted cheating because he was text messaging with his wife from his phone, and he said, I am at whatever. I'm at Taco Mac with Burt and Melissa, two coworkers, right? And she'll be like, oh, you guys having fun? And he's like, yep, I'm have one more beer. And, you know, we're all going to have one more round, and then I'm headed home. And she goes, okay, send me a picture of them. He wasn't there. And what do you do? Like, he was at the. You know, according to him, he's at a table. If it's me, I should be able to go. Bert, Melissa, get together. Hold up your beers. Cheers.

[Katie]

I just think. I mean, I think it's like Bert said, it's so complicated because that may be one element, but that there's another element where divorce is an option, where for our grandparents and, you know, in years past, divorce was not an option. That doesn't mean they were happy. It doesn't mean that somebody. Somebody wasn't miserable, but they never got divorced. So I don't know. I don't know if I would just say that the, you know, smartphone is the only reason people are getting divorced.

[Burt]

Hey, Kendall. Welcome to the bird show.

[Jessica]

Hey.

[Kendall]

I just wanted to kind of do a different line of thinking about, you know, free time and stuff, and I think the phones are part of it. I think they're reinforcing this idea that we're all the most important people ever, which can't, you know, can't be true. The whole world is not going to stop if you don't answer an email for, you know, a couple of hours so that you can have dinner with friends or with your family or whatever. I mean, it's the idea that everybody is the most important and most special person ever, which isn't true. And then because you're thinking that, you end up ignoring the people who are actually are important.

[Katie]

Well, I. And I still have this Discomfort in calling somebody in the evening. Like if it's somebody who has a family or somebody who's in a relationship. It never dawns on me at past like 8 o' clock to give them a phone because that's just how we were in our home that you just, it was rude to interrupt somebody's private time with their families. But I find that me but Katie more so, you know, that's their time to catch up. If people have been working all day. So I do, I'm still. It's a foreign concept to me that her phone goes off so much. Cause I'm like, well who is calling know that she's home in the evening with, with me and we're, you know, we. Who knows what we may be doing.

[Burt]

You're so old fashioned with your morals and family time.

[Katie]

I mean that's a crazy concept.

[Wendy]

Melissa's black and white living in a colored world.

[Burt]

Yeah, your little frozen kids are going to grow up so dysfunctional. Kind hearted.

[Katie]

Why are you so old, Mom?

[Burt]

Whatever you do, do not teach them ethics.

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