Vault: Women Confess Their Wildest Mid-Date Emergency Grooming Stories

Summary

The Bert Show - Episode Summary
Title: Vault: Women Confess Their Wildest Mid-Date Emergency Grooming Stories
Date: April 14, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show brings the laughs, the cringe, and the confessions as the hosts tackle an audience challenge: "Has any woman ever changed her mind mid-date and undertaken an emergency grooming session?" The cast dives into real life stories, comical hypotheticals, and candid calls from listeners who share their most memorable, impromptu hygiene adventures—sharing the wildly resourceful lengths women will go in the name of romance.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The "Good Panty" Theory & Date Night Decisions

• Setting the stage: Exploring how women sometimes wear "bad" underwear or skip leg shaving to prevent spontaneous sex on a date.
  • [01:08] Host: "The theory is if you wear good panties, that means somebody might see them. If you wear bad panties, you're preventing yourself from going there."
• Power dynamics: The group humorously acknowledges the control women have over whether intimacy happens on date night.
  • [02:04] Co-host 2: "We control whether you're going to have sex or not... If we have decided that we do not want to give it up... we will either wear the bad underwear or not shave our legs."

2. Mid-Date Audibles: Can Women Really Pull Off an Emergency Switch?

• Challenge issued: The hosts challenge listeners to share stories of deciding mid-date to "switch it up"—buying razors, new underwear, or making a dramatic change in plans.
  • [02:57] Host: "It's the mid date attitude change... She called an audible in the middle of the day."
• Skepticism and theorycrafting: The cast doubts and jokes about the logistics ("How do you shave in a convenience store bathroom?") before betting some women would use anything—from a boyfriend's razor to a Target trip.

3. Listener Calls – Real-Life Emergency Grooming Adventures

Call 1: Sarah

• Scenario: Took date home, showered, shaved while he waited.
  • [05:38] Sarah: "I took him back to my house and I decided to take a shower while he was sitting in the living room and I shaved my legs."
• Host Reaction: Universally understood—guys know what it means when you shower mid-date.
  • [05:58] Host: "As a guy in the living room, knowing that you're in the shower... it's the greatest feeling ever."

Call 2: Vicki

• Scenario: Met a guy at a softball game, used the gas station bathroom mid-event for leg shaving and clothing swap.
  • [06:17] Vicki: "I bought disposable razors, shaved my legs in the gas station. And my friend had changed clothes in her car, and I changed my clothes."
• Follow-Up: Did it work?
  • [06:49] Vicki: "Well, yeah. Okay. I did."
• Host Reaction: Impressed by commitment.
  • [06:41] Host: "That's impressive."

Call 3: Emily

• Scenario: Booty call after a night out, stops at Kroger for razors and soap, shaves in grocery store bathroom.
  • [07:15] Emily: "Left dinner, friends. After it was over, went to a Kroger, bought some razors and some soap... went into the bathroom and shaved and then went over there."
• Quote on self-aware low moment:
  • [07:43] Co-host 1: "That's a low point. If you stop in the middle of that, you're like, I'm shaving at Kroger. What am I doing?"
  • [07:50] Emily: "I kind of had a moment where I was like, oh, my God. Am I really doing this? ... Yeah. No. Yeah, I am."

Call 4: Unnamed (Voice Disguiser)

• Scenario: Used "headache" excuse at Walgreens, secretly bought a hand hair-removal product, cleaned up with feminine wipes.
  • [08:22] Caller: "I complained to have, like, this crazy headache... we stopped at the Walgreens... I got one of those things... you scrub the hair off your legs... but I did buy feminine wipes and just like clean up real good."
• Quote:
  • [09:08] Caller: "But it was easy with the hand thing that you just rub on your legs rather than trying to shave. Cause that would've been a dry eraser. That would have hurt."
• Hosts react with amazement and gross-out humor.

Call 5: Ashley (Voice Disguiser)

• Scenario: Wore "granny panties" to avoid sex, then changed her mind, stopped for wine at Walgreens, shaved in bathroom using toilet water (since there was no soap at the sink).
  • [09:45] Ashley: "...went to a Walgreens. Did shave in the Walgreens bathroom and used clean toilet water to do it."
• Panel's stunned response:
  • [10:03] Host: "Damn."
• Co-host closing comment:
  • [10:36] Co-host 3: "Don't say anything else. Hang up the phone and never admit that again."

4. Gender Roles and Resourcefulness

• Reflection: The show closes with commentary on adaptability, noting women can be just as resourceful (and comically determined) as men in these spontaneous situations.
  • [08:02] Co-host 2: "Guys always brag about... their Boy Scout skills... Well, you know, women can, too."
  • [08:14] Host: "Chameleon! Sexual chameleon."

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On panty choices:
  • "[Underwear] is the kind of stuff you don't want a guy to see, panties you want him to see." – Co-host 1, [01:49]
• On resourcefulness:
  • "If a woman is determined to have sex, she will find a way." – Co-host 2, [05:23]
• On male cluelessness:
  • "[The guy] went from out on a date with you to, 'God, I feel like crap,' to, 'Oh my god, why is she in Walgreens so long,' to, 'She's naked!'" – Co-host 3, [08:03]
• On emergency grooming at Kroger:
  • "That's a low point. If you stop in the middle of that, you're like, I'm shaving at Kroger. What am I doing?" – Co-host 1, [07:43]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:30 – Hosts set up the date-night grooming challenge
• 01:08–02:57 – The “good panties/bad panties” theory, female gatekeeping
• 03:34–04:50 – Hypothetical mid-date grooming strategies, logistical debates
• 05:25 – Sarah's story: shower-and-shave at home
• 06:14 – Vicki's gas station shave and clothing change
• 07:12 – Emily’s Kroger shave before a booty call
• 08:20 – Anonymous caller's Walgreens “hair scrubbing” and wipe-down
• 09:38 – Ashley’s major commitment: shaving with toilet water at Walgreens

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Tone & Style

• Tone: Light-hearted, candid, sassy, and sometimes self-deprecating. The conversation is peppered with laughter, disbelief, and an open, mischievous energy.
• Language: Authentic, informal, and at times, playfully raunchy—fitting for an early-morning radio show with a loyal audience.

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Summary:
For any listener (or reader) who missed this episode, The Bert Show made good on their promise of presenting hilarious, genuine stories straight from their audience—proving, yet again, “you can’t stump the listeners.” Women called in en masse to confirm: when mid-date sparks fly, creativity (and a nearby pharmacy bathroom) gets the job done.

Transcript

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[Host (possibly Bird)]

The Bird show so we've said to you guys before that it has become a challenge to us to create material that you will not respond to and you're very good at it. To create a question for you guys that doesn't pertain to anybody in our listening audience.

[Co-host 1]

Like, nobody's gonna call for this one, right?

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Nobody. Now, I've tried it so many times and I fail every time. There's always one person in the audience going, you think that's freaky? Honestly, it's happened to me before. This one doesn't come from me though. This one comes from Melissa Carter. And it was based on a conversation that we had early this morning. Actually, it was something that Jen said earlier this morning.

[Co-host 2]

Jen asked Wendy a question. What did I ask about the date tonight? Oh, I'm sorry, That's right.

[Co-host 1]

Panties.

[Co-host 2]

Yes. Because Jen had asked Wendy, because Jen. Wendy's going on a date tonight. So Jen was, you know, joking with Wendy and saying, oh, is this gonna be a good panties night? And so the theory is if you

[Co-host 1]

wear good panties, that means somebody might see them. If you wear bad panties, you're preventing yourself from going there.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

And we've had women on before that have said that purposely they will put like the old stuff on. Is panties one of those words that's just kind of gross coming from a dude's mouth?

[Co-host 1]

I don't know. Sometimes I don't like it.

[Co-host 3]

Some people that jacks me up because some girls are really bugged by that word, like panties and underwear. And like, it's just one of those words that bug random women.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Underwear is okay, right though.

[Co-host 1]

Underwear is basic, but it doesn't describe it. Underwear is the kind of stuff you don't want a guy to see panties you want him to see.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Now women will purposely put on the underwear that doesn't have the, I mean, the elastics torn on it. You probably wore it to like Bon Jovi's original tour.

[Co-host 2]

Right? Because basically we control whether you're going to have sex or Not. And so if we have made the decision that night that you're. You know what, we're open to it, then it may, it may happen.

[Co-host 1]

But for a good panty night.

[Co-host 2]

Yeah. But if we had decided that we do not want to give it up that night or we don't have sex that night, then we will either wear the bad underwear or not shave our legs. And that way we know in our mind, well, there's no way in hell that they're gonna see that, so there's no chance for sex. And then when this conversation came up earlier, I thought, has there ever been a woman during a date that went into the date not shaving her legs and not wearing good underwear and then decided, you know what? I changed my mind and ran into a drugstore and got a razor or did at Target or somewhere. Or somewhere. Just to get something better than what she had on, went into a bathroom somewhere, switched it up, shaved it off, and then proceeded to have more fun that night than she expected.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

So it's the mid date attitude change. The mid date. What do you call it?

[Co-host 3]

It would have to be a shift.

[Co-host 2]

She called an audible in the middle of the day. She changed, she changed her mind.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

So we're looking for that one woman that this has actually occurred with.

[Co-host 2]

Yes.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

404741. Q100. And we're not talking about. Maybe we can find scenarios where they change their mind and they took him home and said, let me just take a shower or something and then did it.

[Co-host 3]

But you're like, I want it.

[Co-host 2]

The more dramatic thing is that you actually went into a drugstore and grabbed

[Co-host 1]

a razor, went into the bathroom in the restaurant.

[Co-host 2]

Yeah. And used the. The dispenser soap to have to lather up.

[Co-host 3]

You know what?

[Caller 1]

Gross.

[Co-host 3]

You know what?

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Jen doesn't think it's possible. You know what? Gross.

[Co-host 3]

Gross calls we're gonna get. We're gonna get calls from women who went back to the guy's house. And rather than because they couldn't stop at a drugstore, I bet they went in and used his razor.

[Co-host 1]

Oh, yeah, that's actually a smart idea.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Would you be more apt to do that, use his razor than actually go in and do it? I mean, that's pretty. That's pretty. That would be a pretty dramatic turnaround right there.

[Co-host 1]

How do you shave in a convenience store bathroom? Come on.

[Co-host 3]

You're so. I bet Britney Spears has done it.

[Co-host 1]

I'm sure she has.

[Co-host 2]

If you ran. Yeah.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Phone lines are lit up. I gotta tell you.

[Co-host 2]

I mean, I think the More dramatic story and the one that you know. Cause we're talking about trying not to get a call, and I think the call we're not trying to get and then we probably won't get is somebody that went into a public bathroom to do this or.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

I mean, is there. Is it really conceivable and. Sarah, hold on one sec, I'll get right to you. Okay. Is it conceivable that a woman would walk into like a Walmart or whatever or a Victoria's Secret in mid date and get new underwear? Yeah, put them on right there.

[Co-host 2]

I've never.

[Co-host 1]

We're not capable of doing anything. Not if he knew that's what you were doing. But if you stopped somewhere and you were like, I gotta run in for whatever you made up the excuse for, you could get a whole lot done that he wouldn't know about. But I don't think a woman would tell him that's what she was going to do.

[Co-host 2]

No, no, no, no, no. A woman would never tell. No.

[Co-host 3]

Like, let's say like I'm envisioning it something like this. Like y' all are out on an afternoon date or whatever. And like maybe you've gone to dinner at Phipps Plaza, for example. Right. And you know that he's. Things have gone very well and you're supposed to go to a movie. Somehow you come up with an excuse to have to run into somewhere at the. At the mall.

[Co-host 1]

I forgot my phone in my car.

[Co-host 3]

You disappear. Bye.

[Co-host 2]

If a woman is determined to have sex, she will find a way.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Hey, Sarah, good morning. You're on the voice disguiser.

[Co-host 2]

Hi.

[Caller 2]

Well, I certainly didn't go through all of that, but I did take him back to my house and I decided to take a shower while he was sitting in the living room and I shaved my legs.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Okay, See, that to me is. I mean, I've had that happen, so. And I gotta tell you, as a guy in the living room, knowing that you're in the shower, taking that shower, and I know what's going on, it is like, oh, it's the greatest feeling ever. It is so long. Because at that point, you can't do anything wrong. Just shut up and show off. That's it.

[Co-host 3]

And that. Is there a bigger failure than if for some reason she takes that shower and comes out and you screwed up?

[Host (possibly Bird)]

You can't. You can.

[Co-host 2]

She's our again. Sorry, guys, but she's made the decision. Makes the decision if you have sex or not.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Yeah.

[Co-host 2]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Hey, Vicki, good Morning. You're on Q1. Hundred.

[Caller 1]

Hi.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Hey.

[Caller 1]

So this one time, I was going with a friend to meet this guy at a softball game. I'd never met him before in my life. And I actually changed my mind about the guy when I got there. So we went to the gas station to get them drinks. They were playing. And I bought disposable razors, shaved my legs in the gas station. And my friend had changed clothes in her car, and I changed my clothes.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Wow. That's impressive.

[Co-host 1]

Wow.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

That's. That. He really turned you around.

[Caller 1]

Yes.

[Co-host 1]

Did you get it done?

[Caller 1]

Well, yeah. Okay. I did.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

You did?

[Co-host 2]

Gas station bathroom that night.

[Caller 1]

But I think I made a better impression.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Good for you.

[Co-host 1]

That's great.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Good for you. Thank you for calling gas station bathroom.

[Co-host 3]

Yes, thank you.

[Co-host 1]

She's not afraid to admit to the gas station bathroom, but she was afraid to admit to get my job done.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Hey, Emily. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller 3]

Hi. Hi, guys.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Hey.

[Caller 3]

So mine actually is a little bit different. I was actually out with some friends. Was totally not planning on doing that that evening. And then I kind of got this booty call. So left dinner, friends. After it was over, went to a Kroger, bought some razors and some soap

[Caller 1]

and what have you.

[Caller 3]

Went into the bathroom and shaved and

[Caller 4]

then went over there.

[Co-host 2]

At Kroger?

[Host (possibly Bird)]

At Kroger.

[Caller 1]

I was.

[Caller 3]

I was committed.

[Co-host 1]

That's a low point. If you stop in the middle of that, you're like, I'm shaving at Kroger. What am I doing?

[Caller 1]

I kind of did.

[Caller 3]

I kind of had a moment where I was like, oh, my God. Am I really doing this?

[Caller 1]

Wait.

[Caller 3]

Yeah. No. Yeah, I am.

[Co-host 2]

Yes, I am.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

I applaud you. I applaud you. Thank you for calling.

[Caller 3]

No problem.

[Caller 4]

Thanks, guys.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Kroger.

[Co-host 1]

That's funny.

[Co-host 2]

See, because what I think is funny is, you know, guys always brag about how, you know, it's almost like their Boy Scout skills, you know, their Firefox skills, where they can go and they. They can create scenarios and they can adapt to any situation. Well, you know, women can, too.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Chameleon. Sexual chameleon. Hey, Stephanie, you're on the Voice disguiser. Good morning.

[Caller 1]

Hi.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Hey.

[Caller 1]

Hey. I actually. I didn't go buy any underwear, but I did stop at a Walgreens. I complained to have, like, this crazy headache after hanging out all. And so we stopped at the Walgreens, and I went in to supposedly get some medicine, and I got one of those things that you see on TV that you rub the hair off with. It goes on your hand and you scrub the hair off your legs. I did that. I didn't buy any underwear, but I did buy feminine wife and just like clean up real good.

[Co-host 2]

So the headache was better as soon as you left the kitchen. All of a sudden I don't have

[Co-host 1]

a headache anymore, honey.

[Co-host 3]

So this guy went from out on a date with you to God, I feel like crap to oh my God. Why is she in Walgreens for so too. She's naked.

[Caller 1]

But it was easy with the hand

[Caller 4]

thing that you just rub on your

[Caller 1]

legs rather than trying to shave. Cause that would've been a dry eraser. That would have hurt.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Hey, when there is a will, there is a way. I hope you just proved that.

[Co-host 2]

Oh, scrubbing it off. Ow. But whatever.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Good morning. The bar has to be set so low for the dude that you're going out with and then so high in such a short amount of time that I am shocked that we got any of these calls.

[Co-host 1]

That's funny.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Good morning, Ashley. You're on the voice disguiser. Hi.

[Caller 4]

Well, I actually didn't shave my legs and did wear my granny panties so I would not sleep with this guy on the first date.

[Co-host 2]

Right.

[Caller 1]

But the day went so well that and we met out.

[Caller 4]

He didn't pick me up, so we were going back to his place. I told him I was going to stop by and get a bottle of wine before getting there. Went to a Walgreens. Did shave in the Walgreens bathroom and used clean toilet water to do it.

[Caller 3]

Oh.

[Co-host 2]

What?

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Damn.

[Caller 3]

Get out of the pot so I

[Caller 4]

didn't have to get soaked to lather up with. So I'm in the stall and you can't keep walking out to lather up and rinse the the razor.

[Co-host 3]

Ashley.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

This dude has no idea.

[Co-host 3]

Don't say anything else. Hang up the phone and never admit that again.

[Caller 3]

That's awesome.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

Very nicely done. Stay thirsty, my friend.

[Co-host 2]

Oh, she did in the toilet water. Awesome.

[Host (possibly Bird)]

The Bird Show.

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