The Bert Show – Vault: Women Share The Funny Nicknames Of Their Husband's "Member"

Date: January 7, 2026
Hosts: The Bert Show Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & others
Episode Theme:
A lighthearted and candid exploration of the hilarious (and sometimes cringeworthy) nicknames women give their husbands' "members," drawing on calls from real listeners, interspersed with playful banter from the cast.

Episode Overview

The Bert Show team dives into the results of Redbook Magazine’s annual "Steamy Sex Survey," focusing on the surprisingly creative pet names women give to their partners’ genitalia. With over-the-top enthusiasm and lots of laughter, the hosts open the phone lines for listeners to call in and share their own nicknames—no explanations, just the names, rapid-fire. The episode showcases not just listener creativity, but also the fun (and sometimes awkward) dynamics these names bring to relationships.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Introduction to the Survey

• [01:36] The hosts discuss Redbook magazine’s annual sex survey results:

  • 70% of women don’t use pet names for their husband's member, but 30% do (“Oh, yeah, I sure do.”).
  • Similarly, 30% of men have pet names for their partner’s breasts or body.

• Hosts' banter:

  • “If she had a name for you, but you didn’t return with a name, I think it’d be weird.”
    — Co-Host (02:49)
  • “I don’t do it. I don’t have a name.”
    — Co-Host (03:03)

Call-In Parade: Listeners’ Nicknames

Some of the most memorable calls:

• Norman

  • [03:49] “Norman."
    — Alyssa
    • Inspired by the cow in City Slickers: “Billy Crystal got the little cow and he goes, Norman.”
      — Alyssa (03:54)

• Captain Winky

  • [04:14] “My nickname for his is Captain Winky because it winks at me.”
    — Tiffany
  • Prompt reaction: “Oh, gross.”
    — Co-Host/Commentator (04:18)

• Frankie and Patty

  • [04:30] “My husband's is Frankie and mine is Patty.”
    — Melissa
  • “Sounds like the new morning show coming in down the street.”
    — Main Host (04:38)

• Russell the Love Muscle

  • [04:49] “It’s Russell the Love Muscle.”
    — Star
  • “All the time over the phone when he’s at work.”
    — Star (05:12)
  • “Does Rusty want to come out and play? Or how’s the muscle feeling? Feeling strong.”
    — Star (05:20)

• Yogi and Boo Boo

  • [05:36] “He's Yogi and I'm Boo Boo … probably asked for the voice changer and I’m gonna hang up now.”
    — Isabel

• The Beast and Miss Kitty

  • [05:58] “The Beast and Miss Kitty. No further comments.”
    — Chris

• Tank and Coco

  • [06:12] “Tank and Coco. Wrestling names work perfectly.”
    — Rosalind

• Darth Vader and Little Debbie

  • [06:25] “How about Darth Vader for him and Little Debbie for me?”
    — Lisa

• Slim and Roast Beef

  • [06:36] “Mine is slim and hers is roast beef.”
    — Anonymous
  • “There's nothing sexy about that.”
    — Main Host (06:39)
  • “That’s nasty.”
    — Co-Host/Commentator (06:47)

• We Willy

  • [06:52] “It’s We Willy.”
    — Sarah
  • “You wouldn’t want that name if you’re a guy, Willie. It shouldn't be cute.”
    — Co-Host (06:55)

• Mikey and Mike

  • [07:20] “I call my husband’s member Mikey, and he calls it Mike.”
    — Don
  • “Sometimes it might look like seven years old.”
    — Don (07:35)

Other Noteworthy Calls:

• [07:46] Caller Charlene cracks up at the variety:

  • “I just have to laugh because those pet names that these people are calling with are hilarious. I don't name the member because that's not sexy. They couldn't possibly be having sexy sex with goofy names like that.”

• [08:03]

  • Story of a family where “his is called Fred, Barney and Dino.”
    — Main Host (relaying secondhand)

• Thor and Pink Panther

  • [08:21] “My husband’s is Thor and mine is Pink Panther.”
    — Melody
  • “Now, Thor is a good name. If you’re gonna name it, it’s like Thor.”
    — Main Host (08:24)

• Priscilla and Elvis

  • [08:54] “I am Priscilla and my husband is Elvis.”
    — Emily
  • “Matching genitals. That’s nice.”
    — Main Host (09:00)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Norman, as in Stormin’ Norman?”
  — Co-Host (03:52)

• “That sounds like the new morning show coming in down the street. Frank and Patty.”
  — Main Host (04:38)

• “All the time over the phone when he’s at work.”
  — Star, on using “Russell the Love Muscle” (05:12)

• “There’s nothing sexy about that.”
  — Main Host, about “slim and roast beef” (06:39)

• “You don’t want we anywhere in the title or Ito at the end because that’s small in Spanish.”
  — Main Host (07:03)

Standout Timestamps

• 01:36 – 03:29: Introductions, poll statistics, hosts’ personal banter, framing the phone-in topic.
• 03:41 – 09:02: Rapid-fire listener calls sharing pet names and some playful back-and-forth with the hosts.
• 07:46 – 08:29: Meta-commentary from a caller and stories of family-wide member names.
• 08:21 – 09:00: Marvel-inspired and celebrity couple names round out the laugh-filled morning.

Tone & Style

The conversation is unmistakably playful, occasionally juvenile, and always self-aware, with plenty of tongue-in-cheek humor ("That’s nasty," "Come on, now!") and gentle ribbing among the cast. The Bert Show crew keeps things fun, lighthearted, and quick-moving, never letting the topic get too serious or explicit.

Summary Takeaway

This episode delivers plenty of laughs and a few groans as listeners open up (anonymously or not) about the silly, creative, sometimes outrageous nicknames that spice up their bedrooms. The Bert Show’s signature blend of real talk, quick wit, and openness gives everyone listening the sense that no topic is too weird—and that almost nothing is off-limits for a good morning laugh.