Vault: Women Share The Funny Nicknames Of Their Husband's "Member"

Summary

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The Bert Show – Vault: Women Share The Funny Nicknames Of Their Husband's "Member"

Date: January 7, 2026
Hosts: The Bert Show Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & others
Episode Theme:
A lighthearted and candid exploration of the hilarious (and sometimes cringeworthy) nicknames women give their husbands' "members," drawing on calls from real listeners, interspersed with playful banter from the cast.

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Episode Overview

The Bert Show team dives into the results of Redbook Magazine’s annual "Steamy Sex Survey," focusing on the surprisingly creative pet names women give to their partners’ genitalia. With over-the-top enthusiasm and lots of laughter, the hosts open the phone lines for listeners to call in and share their own nicknames—no explanations, just the names, rapid-fire. The episode showcases not just listener creativity, but also the fun (and sometimes awkward) dynamics these names bring to relationships.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Introduction to the Survey

• [01:36] The hosts discuss Redbook magazine’s annual sex survey results:

  • 70% of women don’t use pet names for their husband's member, but 30% do (“Oh, yeah, I sure do.”).
  • Similarly, 30% of men have pet names for their partner’s breasts or body.

• Hosts' banter:

  • “If she had a name for you, but you didn’t return with a name, I think it’d be weird.”
    — Co-Host (02:49)
  • “I don’t do it. I don’t have a name.”
    — Co-Host (03:03)

Call-In Parade: Listeners’ Nicknames

Some of the most memorable calls:

• Norman

  • [03:49] “Norman."
    — Alyssa
    • Inspired by the cow in City Slickers: “Billy Crystal got the little cow and he goes, Norman.”
      — Alyssa (03:54)

• Captain Winky

  • [04:14] “My nickname for his is Captain Winky because it winks at me.”
    — Tiffany
  • Prompt reaction: “Oh, gross.”
    — Co-Host/Commentator (04:18)

• Frankie and Patty

  • [04:30] “My husband's is Frankie and mine is Patty.”
    — Melissa
  • “Sounds like the new morning show coming in down the street.”
    — Main Host (04:38)

• Russell the Love Muscle

  • [04:49] “It’s Russell the Love Muscle.”
    — Star
  • “All the time over the phone when he’s at work.”
    — Star (05:12)
  • “Does Rusty want to come out and play? Or how’s the muscle feeling? Feeling strong.”
    — Star (05:20)

• Yogi and Boo Boo

  • [05:36] “He's Yogi and I'm Boo Boo … probably asked for the voice changer and I’m gonna hang up now.”
    — Isabel

• The Beast and Miss Kitty

  • [05:58] “The Beast and Miss Kitty. No further comments.”
    — Chris

• Tank and Coco

  • [06:12] “Tank and Coco. Wrestling names work perfectly.”
    — Rosalind

• Darth Vader and Little Debbie

  • [06:25] “How about Darth Vader for him and Little Debbie for me?”
    — Lisa

• Slim and Roast Beef

  • [06:36] “Mine is slim and hers is roast beef.”
    — Anonymous
  • “There's nothing sexy about that.”
    — Main Host (06:39)
  • “That’s nasty.”
    — Co-Host/Commentator (06:47)

• We Willy

  • [06:52] “It’s We Willy.”
    — Sarah
  • “You wouldn’t want that name if you’re a guy, Willie. It shouldn't be cute.”
    — Co-Host (06:55)

• Mikey and Mike

  • [07:20] “I call my husband’s member Mikey, and he calls it Mike.”
    — Don
  • “Sometimes it might look like seven years old.”
    — Don (07:35)

Other Noteworthy Calls:

• [07:46] Caller Charlene cracks up at the variety:

  • “I just have to laugh because those pet names that these people are calling with are hilarious. I don't name the member because that's not sexy. They couldn't possibly be having sexy sex with goofy names like that.”

• [08:03]

  • Story of a family where “his is called Fred, Barney and Dino.”
    — Main Host (relaying secondhand)

• Thor and Pink Panther

  • [08:21] “My husband’s is Thor and mine is Pink Panther.”
    — Melody
  • “Now, Thor is a good name. If you’re gonna name it, it’s like Thor.”
    — Main Host (08:24)

• Priscilla and Elvis

  • [08:54] “I am Priscilla and my husband is Elvis.”
    — Emily
  • “Matching genitals. That’s nice.”
    — Main Host (09:00)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Norman, as in Stormin’ Norman?”
  — Co-Host (03:52)

• “That sounds like the new morning show coming in down the street. Frank and Patty.”
  — Main Host (04:38)

• “All the time over the phone when he’s at work.”
  — Star, on using “Russell the Love Muscle” (05:12)

• “There’s nothing sexy about that.”
  — Main Host, about “slim and roast beef” (06:39)

• “You don’t want we anywhere in the title or Ito at the end because that’s small in Spanish.”
  — Main Host (07:03)

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Standout Timestamps

• 01:36 – 03:29: Introductions, poll statistics, hosts’ personal banter, framing the phone-in topic.
• 03:41 – 09:02: Rapid-fire listener calls sharing pet names and some playful back-and-forth with the hosts.
• 07:46 – 08:29: Meta-commentary from a caller and stories of family-wide member names.
• 08:21 – 09:00: Marvel-inspired and celebrity couple names round out the laugh-filled morning.

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Tone & Style

The conversation is unmistakably playful, occasionally juvenile, and always self-aware, with plenty of tongue-in-cheek humor ("That’s nasty," "Come on, now!") and gentle ribbing among the cast. The Bert Show crew keeps things fun, lighthearted, and quick-moving, never letting the topic get too serious or explicit.

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Summary Takeaway

This episode delivers plenty of laughs and a few groans as listeners open up (anonymously or not) about the silly, creative, sometimes outrageous nicknames that spice up their bedrooms. The Bert Show’s signature blend of real talk, quick wit, and openness gives everyone listening the sense that no topic is too weird—and that almost nothing is off-limits for a good morning laugh.

Transcript

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[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

The Birch Show.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

So I was telling you guys, this is a survey out of Redbook magazine and it's their annual steamy sex survey. It's pretty standard stuff that we've talked about before. You know, I know, Jen, you're too.

[Co-Host/Commentator]

Emotional to talk about this, but I think, can you get through the sex?

I think I can get through the Red Book survey.

Yeah.

I think I can get through that.

Yeah.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Most of the questions are pretty basic here, you know, like, how often do you have sex? And they answer that, how long does sex usually last? And there's a whole, you know, variety of answers on that. How much foreplay? What's the sexiest part of a man's body? Here's the one I locked and loaded on. And I would like you to call up and just tell us the name. And that's it. Our conversation is gonna Last a millisecond, and then I wanna move on to the next call. But the question is, do you have a pet name for your husband's member? Member? 70% of women said no, but 30% said, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I sure do. And does your husband have a pet name for your breasts or for your. 70? Again, said no, but 30% said yes.

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

I think one goes with the other. Like, I think, you know, I don't think. I think it'd be weird if, like, she had a name for you, but you didn't return with a name, I think.

[Podcast Host]

I don't know.

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

They're all the same people.

[Co-Host/Commentator]

So what's your name?

Jeff.

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

I don't do it. I don't have a name.

[Co-Host/Commentator]

And you never named your own?

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Never named your own.

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

I think that's weird.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Yeah. Something Crash would do. Like, I bet Crash and Lady Crash are gonna be calling right now. If we're not gonna ask you your name, we're not gonna ask you your husband's name or your wife's name. Not their real name. Anyway. We'll keep you on. On the phone for just a couple of seconds. But I'm really curious about what some of these names are because we don't use those names in our house.

[Co-Host/Commentator]

Like Mr. Happy or something like that.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Something like that. As basic as that. 404-741-1005. And we can put you guys on the voice disguiser if you want. Good morning, Alyssa.

[Caller]

Hey.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Hi.

[Caller]

How are you?

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Good. How are you?

[Caller]

Good.

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

Just give us the name.

[Co-Host/Commentator]

Name.

[Caller]

Norman.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Norman.

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

Norman, as in Stormin Norman?

[Caller]

No, like, Norman from, what was it? City Slickers, where Billy Crystal got the little cow and he goes, Norman.

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

Hello. Hello. Hello.

[Caller]

Norman.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Norman. Okay, thank you very much.

[Podcast Host]

Tiffany.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Good morning. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller]

Hi.

[Marketing Expert]

Hi.

[Caller]

My nickname for his is Captain Winky because it winks at me.

[Co-Host/Commentator]

Oh, gross.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

All we need to know is the name. Need to know the story. 404-741-1005. Melissa, good morning.

[Caller]

Hello. I just wanted to say my husband's is Frankie and mine is Patty.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Frankie and Patty.

[Caller]

Yep.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Sounds like the new morning show coming in down the street.

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

Good for Gene and Julie.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Frank and Patty. Good morning. Star, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller]

It's Russell the Love Muscle.

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

And how do you, like, like, is that like in, hey, does Russell want to come out and play? Or like, how, like, in what context do you ever use that?

[Caller]

Oh, he's got Russ. Russie. Russell the Muscle.

[Co-Host/Commentator]

Right.

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

But I'm wondering, like, in what context that I'm not. Yeah.

[Co-Host/Commentator]

When does his name come up in conversation?

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

When do you use that?

[Caller]

All the time over the phone when he's at work.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

So, yeah, go through the conversation. Is it like, I want to see Russell tonight or how do you.

[Caller]

Well, does Rusty want to come out and play? Or how's the muscle feeling? Feeling strong.

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

Okie doke.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

All right. Russell the Muscle. Thank you.

[Caller]

You're welcome.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

404-741-1005. Isabel.

[Marketing Expert]

Hi.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Hi.

[Caller]

It's. He's Yogi and I'm Boo Boo and I Twitch. Probably asked for the voice changer, and I'm gonna hang up now.

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

Hey, Tracy, that was the promo.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Good morning, Chris.

[Caller]

Yeah, hi.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Hi.

[Caller]

Wouldn't you know, my boss just walked in.

[Co-Host/Commentator]

Oh, my gosh.

[Caller]

The Beast and Miss Kitty. No further comments.

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

That's all we need.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

That's all we need. The Beast and Miss Kitty.

[Co-Host/Commentator]

I love it that she goes, wouldn't you know, my boss just walked in.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Good morning, Rosalind.

[Caller]

Good morning. Hi. Tank and Coco.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Tank and Coco. Wrestling names. Wrestling names work perfectly.

[Co-Host/Commentator]

I love it.

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

Great.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Hey, Lisa, you're on all the hits q100.

[Caller]

Good morning.

[Co-Host/Commentator]

Hi.

[Caller]

How about Darth Vader for him and Little Debbie for me?

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

Little Debbie.

[Co-Host/Commentator]

Little Debbie.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Hi. All the hits Q100.

[Co-Host/Commentator]

That's great.

[Caller]

Hey, mine is slim and hers is roast beef.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Oh, man. There's nothing sexy about that.

[Caller]

That's what she likes. She's like, hey, you want some more speech tonight?

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

Oh, God, that whole thing, that's great.

[Co-Host/Commentator]

That's nasty.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Come on, now.

[Co-Host/Commentator]

That's just nasty.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Hey, Sarah.

[Caller]

Hey. It's We Willy.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

We Willy. Thank you.

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

You wouldn't want that name if you're a guy, Willie. It shouldn't be cute. Like, it's not something you'd refer to a puppy as.

[Co-Host/Commentator]

You don't want we anywhere.

[Caller]

Right.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

In the title or Ito at the end because that's small in Spanish. Anything good, Lisa? Good morning, Lisa. Negative. Good morning, Don.

[Caller]

Morning. How are you?

[Co-Host/Commentator]

All right.

[Caller]

I call my husband's member Mikey, and he calls it Mike.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Mikey and Mike.

[Caller]

I call it Mikey, but he says it's Mike.

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

Right? Because you don't want it to be anything cute like a Mike until he's 7 years old as a Mikey. You know what I mean?

[Caller]

Sometimes it might be look like seven years old.

[Co-Host/Commentator]

He calls Big Mike.

Yeah, when Mikey gets all grown up, it's Mike.

[Caller]

Good morning, guys.

[Podcast Host]

Good morning.

[Caller]

This is Charlene. I don't have a pet name to share I just have to laugh because those pet names that these people are calling with are hilarious. I don't name the member because that's not sexy. They couldn't possibly be having sexy sex with goofy names like that.

[Co-Host/Commentator]

I have a friend who confessed to me that his is called. The whole family have names and his is called Fred, Barney and Dino.

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

No way.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Hey, Melody. Hey, good morning.

[Caller]

My husband's is Thor and mine is Pink Panther.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Thor and Pink Panther. Now, Thor is a good name. Thor is a good.

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

No, it's not.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

No name is good Thor, though. If you're gonna name it, it's like Thor.

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

But then what do you do when.

[Co-Host/Commentator]

You'Re, you know, you guys remember Thor from Adventures in Babysitting? Do you remember that?

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

What do you do when you go to, like, you know, your wife goes to, you know, that Maxim Cabaret or whatever and they say, now taking the stage, Thor, you know, she's telling all of her girlfriends who Thor really is in her world. Like, you don't want that.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Hey, Emily.

[Caller]

Hey.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Morning.

[Caller]

Good morning. I am Priscilla and my husband is Elvis.

[Main Host (Birch Show)]

Matching genitals. That's nice.

[Co-Host (Birch Show)]

Sunny and Cher, Steve and Vicky. The Birch Show.

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