Vault: Worst excuse for missing baby's birth

Summary

The Bert Show – Vault: Worst Excuse for Missing Baby's Birth

Episode Date: June 23, 2026
Main Theme:
In this episode, The Bert Show dives into the surprisingly common—and often infuriating—reasons why some fathers miss the birth of their child. Prompted by a recent American Idol contestant, “Big Mike,” who risked missing his child’s birth for a career-defining audition, host Bert (or possibly Birch) and the team invite listeners to share the worst excuses men have given for their absence at one of life’s most pivotal moments. The segment quickly turns revealing, funny, and at times poignant, as listeners call in with jaw-dropping stories.

---

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Setting the Scene: Big Mike’s American Idol Decision

• [01:10 – 01:42]
  Host introduces “Big Mike” from American Idol—a contestant whose wife was in labor while he performed on national TV.
  • Big Mike: “I’m the next American Idol because my wife is in labor right now with our first child. She would not be happy if I didn’t come home with a victory this week, so…”
  • The hosts debate the tension between seizing a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and being present for the birth of a child. Importantly, Big Mike had his wife’s blessing to attend the show.

2. Opening Up the Phones: "Crappiest Reason Your Husband Missed the Birth"

• [02:06 – 03:44]
  The team asks listeners to share times when a partner missed a birth for “a stupid ass reason.” They clarify that genuinely unavoidable absences (deployment, emergencies) don’t count.

3. Caller Stories – A Parade of Bad Excuses

Caller 1: Prioritizing a New Business

• [03:55 – 05:51]
  A man explains that he started a new company, with first trade show landing on his child’s due date. He and his wife considered inducing early, so he wouldn’t have to miss out on both business and the birth.
  • Host: “I’m telling you, man, you’ll regret this for the rest of your life.” [04:58]
  • Co-host: “At the end of your days, are you going to regret missing a trade show or missing the birth of your daughter?” [05:17]
  • The emotional undertone: The financial pressure is real, but the hosts push the caller to recognize the lifelong regret that may follow.

Live Tweets: Dad on the Golf Course

• [06:00 – 06:05]
  Someone tweets that her dad missed her birth because he was on the golf course.

Caller 2: Deer Hunting Opener

• [06:10 – 06:53]
  Brianna shares that her husband skipped the birth for the opening day of deer hunting season.
  • “I woke up to my water breaking, and he's like, well, you need to call your mom.” [06:21]
  • He didn’t even come to the hospital until after the baby was born, and worse, “he didn’t get anything, so he missed it for no reason.”
  • Host and co-hosts joke about priorities: “I think that was a fairly selfish decision.” [06:51]
  • “Are you still married to him?” “No.” [06:43/06:45]
  • Memorable moment: Co-host jokes about being “committed” once you’ve “sprayed yourself with deer urine.” [07:01]

Caller 3: Husband Too Drunk to Come Home

• [07:12 – 07:51]
  Emily’s husband got so drunk at a party—while she was very pregnant—that he slept through the entire next day and missed the birth.
  • “He never came home. I called my mom. She drove me to the hospital. I had the baby. He had fallen asleep at that friend’s house and slept the entire day.” [07:44]
  • Host: “We're not married anymore.” [07:49/07:51]
  • Hosts note the emerging theme: these stories often end in divorce.

Caller 4: Out With His Girlfriend

• [08:00 – 08:40]
  Kim calls in to share that her dad missed her birth because he was with another woman.
  • “My own father missed my birth because he was with his current girlfriend at the time.” [08:12]
  • The gravity of the situation is apparent: “They had to do an emergency Caesarean, so my aunt actually had to sign the paperwork because he wasn’t there.” [08:20]
  • Emotional impact: “That kind of hurt never goes away, right?” [08:36]
  • Caller: “Never goes away. No.” [08:40]

Caller 5: Playing Cards, Mom Does It Alone

• [08:47 – 09:44]
  Erin explains her dad went out to a card game, with no phone at home. Her mother, in labor and scared, ended up having the baby by herself, tying the umbilical cord off with dental floss.
  • “She had to cut the cord with dental floss... Passed out three times after she had the baby.” [09:18]
  • Host and co-hosts are in awe and joke about using that story for leverage: “The whole time they’re raised, that mother used that against all of them.” [09:52]

Caller 6: Dad Leaves Over Family Drama

• [10:03 – 10:44]
  Alicia shares that her husband left the hospital during labor due to an argument about her mother being present. He only returned five hours later, missing the birth. The caller affirms: “We got divorced.” [10:34]

Caller 7: Mom Punches Dad Unconscious

• [11:01 – 11:42]
  Laura explains that her dad told her mother, during labor, that “it can’t hurt that bad,” so her mom punched him and he was knocked out through the delivery.
  • “My mom punched him, and he fell. He was unconscious for my birth because he hit his head…” [11:05]
  • Host (laughing): “That might have been the only legitimate excuse right there…” [11:27]
  • Co-hosts: “He never said that again.” [11:42]

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “There’s gotta be some of you guys listening right now. Whose husband missed a birth for a stupid ass reason.” — Host, [02:08]
• “He didn’t get anything, so he missed it for no reason.” — Brianna, [06:43]
• “I would have tied this dental floss around your neck.” — Co-host, [09:58]
• “We're not married anymore.” — Emily, [07:51]
• “My mom punched him, and he fell. And he was unconscious for my birth…” — Laura, [11:05]

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment Description | |------------|-------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:10-01:42| Introducing Big Mike and his Idol/birth dilemma | | 02:06-03:44| Call-in prompt: worst reasons for missing a birth | | 03:55-05:51| Caller: New business vs. daughter's birth | | 06:10-06:53| Caller: Deer hunting vs. childbirth | | 07:12-07:51| Caller: Partying, gets too drunk to attend birth | | 08:00-08:40| Caller: Dad with girlfriend during labor | | 08:47-09:44| Caller: Mom alone, dental floss, no phone | | 10:03-10:44| Caller: Husband leaves due to mother-in-law drama | | 11:01-11:42| Caller: Mom punches dad; unconscious for entire birth |

---

Tone and Atmosphere

The episode blends genuine disbelief with humor, a little schadenfreude, and a real sense of solidarity for the mothers—and sometimes the kids—left behind. The hosts maintain a light, funny, and somewhat incredulous tone, but periodically recognize the emotional seriousness of the stories. Divorce is a recurring outcome in these tales, and the show does not shy from calling out selfish behavior.

---

Summary Table: Excuse Hall of Shame

| Excuse | Outcome | Relationship Status | |---------------------------------------|----------------------------|--------------------| | Trying for American Idol | Wife gave OK; controversial| Still together | | Launching new business, trade show | Induced early; tough call | Together | | Deer hunting opening | Missed both baby and deer | Divorced | | Passed out drunk after party | Slept through birth | Divorced | | Out with girlfriend | Missed birth, aunt signed | Divorced | | Out playing cards, no phone | Mom handled everything | Had more kids | | Left because of wife’s mother | Missed birth, unapologetic | Divorced | | Knocked out by mom in labor | Unconscious for birth | Together |

---

Final Thoughts

This episode is a cathartic and entertaining reminder that, even in life’s most important moments, some people will always manage to make the most questionable choices. Through callers’ personal confessions, moments of hilarity, and honest reflections, The Bert Show serves up fresh perspectives on fatherhood, priorities, and the indelible memories that childbirth creates, for better or worse.

Transcript

[Lady Luck]

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[Host (possibly Birch)]

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[Geico Gecko]

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[Host (possibly Birch)]

It feels good to get good news.

[Big Mike (American Idol contestant)]

It feels good to Geico the bir.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

So I was listening to Jen this morning and I watched American Idol last night and you got that big mic dude, right? Do you have the audio of that guy, Andy?

[Co-host or Contributor]

Yeah, I do.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

He's right here and he was really impressive on the show. If you didn't see American Idol last night, here's big Mike from the show.

[Big Mike (American Idol contestant)]

I'm the next American Idol because my wife is in labor right now with our first child. She would not be happy if I didn't come home with a victory this week, so. And also I'll pummel anybody who disagrees.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

It's like a big personal trainer.

[Big Mike (American Idol contestant)]

Me and all my friends, we all misunderstood. They say we stand for nothing and there's no way we ever could. And now we see everything.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Okay, so the guy obviously has got some goods there, right? But the truth of the matter is his wife's water broke while he was in la and the chances are pretty good he's going to miss the birth of his child because he's taken this shot at American Idol, you know. So my question is this for you guys. Give me the crappiest reason that your husband missed the birth of your child.

[Co-host or Contributor]

Like this guy, Super Bowl 39, like,

[Host (possibly Birch)]

at this at least this guy can say, you know what? She gave me the okay and we were trying to fulfill. She knows this is my dream. So I went out to la. She gave me the green light. I missed the birth of our child, but she was okay with it. There's got to be some of you guys listening right now. Whose husband Missed a birth for a stupid ass reason.

[Caller]

Oh yeah.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Much stupid. I don't know that you ever get over it.

[Geico Gecko]

Yeah.

[Co-host or Contributor]

Much stupid than American Idol because he could. If he advances and he wins, this thing changes the family. Yeah. I mean he can take care of his wife and kids and multiple kids forever and ever.

Because we Learned. I'm sorry.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

404-741-Q100 I just say because we learned

[Co-host or Contributor]

this morning that even though there was scandal with him and his dad, he's still in the competition.

Correct.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

So at the end of the day, this may be okay. And again, he did get the green light from his wife. She knew that she was close to having the baby and even with that said go out there and do your thing. So I mean in his case, it's not all that bad, but there's gotta be like a dude that was like just got too drunk, ended up somehow some way missing it or. I can't think what could keep you from that situation.

[Co-host or Contributor]

Should we take out military leave?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Caller (new business owner)]

Yeah.

[Co-host or Contributor]

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Deployment. That doesn't count.

[Co-host or Contributor]

Yeah. I don't know. Just going out partying with your friends

or hungover, was drunk or going to

a game, like a sports game. Like if you were at the super bowl this weekend, say the Chargers had actually made it and you had this big plan with your friends to be down there for the super bowl, but your wife was gonna deliver, then you're

[Host (possibly Birch)]

not allowed to go on the trip. Like if you knew that it was this close, then you're not allowed to go on the trip. But I bet there's somebody that said, you know what? I'm gonna go ahead and roll the dice here.

[Co-host or Contributor]

Go anyway. Chances are pretty good she goes in the labor. I'll catch a flight and then miss it.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

404-741-Q100 hey, John.

[Caller (new business owner)]

Hey. What's going on?

[Host (possibly Birch)]

You tell us what's up?

[Caller (new business owner)]

Not too much. I. My wife's actually gonna have our first kid. She. She's due in about two weeks but if she doesn't have it sooner, I might miss it.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

For what reason?

[Caller (new business owner)]

I started. I started a new company and my first. First week on the job is right

[Co-host or Contributor]

when she's due and they won't. The new company isn't. Wouldn't be understanding of you said.

[Caller (new business owner)]

You're saying it. It's my business. It's a new business that I started.

[Co-host or Contributor]

Okay.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Right.

[Caller (new business owner)]

So. Yeah. And there's absolutely no way I can start it later.

[Co-host or Contributor]

You're the. But you're the boss. Right? So.

[Caller (new business owner)]

Right.

[Co-host or Contributor]

So you could really could be there.

[Caller (new business owner)]

Well, the way what the business is, it's actually going to various trade shows, and the first show I've got to go to is the day that our first daughter is supposed to be born.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

There's nobody else that you can stand there. I'm telling you, man, you're gonna. You'll regret this for the rest of your life.

[Co-host or Contributor]

Not a good reason.

[Caller (new business owner)]

We've talked to the doctor. The doctor is possibly gonna try to induce her a week early.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

That's the way to go. Don't miss that.

[Caller (new business owner)]

Man, I'm telling you, we're trying to push up the birth of our first kid so I can start my business.

[Co-host or Contributor]

Well, yeah, but at the end of your days, are you going to regret missing a trade show or missing the birth of your daughter?

[Caller (new business owner)]

You know, it's either be there for the birth of our daughter or make some money for that month.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Are you guys in a place right now, financially, where, like, you're. You're forced to make this decision based on what's going on?

[Caller (new business owner)]

Yeah, it's one of those things that I've got to do this. And, you know, we. We knew this going into it. My wife, you know, she bought into it when we. You know, we found out we were pregnant. We knew that this was coming up, so.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

So if it's a matter of, like, food on the table or being there, then it makes it a tougher decision still.

[Co-host or Contributor]

If you're. But he's the boss. I don't know.

You know, somebody and just on Twitter called out her own dad for being on the golf course when she was born.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Oh, no.

[Co-host or Contributor]

There you go.

Really?

[Caller (new business owner)]

Hezlich.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Hey, Brianna. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller]

Good morning.

[Co-host or Contributor]

Hi.

[Caller]

Well, my husband missed our birth, our child's birth, for open season for deer hunting.

[Co-host or Contributor]

First day. You're kidding.

[Caller]

I woke up to my water breaking,

and he's like, well, you need to call your mom.

I'm like, what? He had a handcamp.

[Co-host or Contributor]

He had a perch to go sit in.

[Caller]

Well, my mother had to come and get me and take me to hospital,

and he did not show up until after she was born. He's like, well, it's okay. But he didn't get anything, so he missed it for no reason.

[Co-host or Contributor]

Are you still married to him?

[Caller]

No.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

That one worked itself out. Yeah.

[Caller]

All right.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Thank you.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

I think that was a fairly selfish decision.

[Co-host or Contributor]

You think? Depends on they were overpopulated and they needed it.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

I'm talking about leaving them.

[Co-host or Contributor]

It depends on if the decision for him to not be there for the birth came before or after he sprayed himself with deer yarn? Because if you've already got the deer pee on you, you're pretty much committed.

[Big Mike (American Idol contestant)]

Yeah.

[Co-host or Contributor]

You don't want to be in the delay.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Hey, Emily. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller]

Hi.

We had gone to a party. It was on a Saturday night. I was very, very pregnant. So for whatever reason, we had driven separate, and we ended up staying the night there. I wasn't. Of course, I wasn't drinking, but he was just plastered. Well, I went into labor the next morning, and I was like, okay, I'm gonna go home, and I'll meet you there. So I went home. He never came home. I called my mom. She drove me to the hospital. I had the baby. He had fallen asleep at that friend's house and slept the entire day.

[Caller (new business owner)]

No.

[Caller]

Missed everything.

No.

[Advertiser/Announcer]

No.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

This was your first child?

[Caller]

Yeah. We're not married anymore.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Yeah. I think we're gonna catch a reoccurring theme here.

[Caller (new business owner)]

Yeah.

[Co-host or Contributor]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Hey, Kim. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller]

Good morning.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Hey, we're talking about this. This Big Mike dude on American Idol that missed the birth of his firstborn so we could try out for American Idol.

[Caller]

Right?

[Host (possibly Birch)]

I'm asking you guys, like, other reasons that could possibly be that somebody missed the birth of the child.

[Caller]

My own father missed my birth because he was with his current girlfriend at the time.

[Advertiser/Announcer]

Oh, wow.

[Co-host or Contributor]

Okay.

[Caller]

And, yeah, my mom couldn't find him or get ahold of him, and they had to do an emergency Caesarean, so my aunt actually had to sign the paperwork because he wasn't there.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Oh, no.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

They're not together anymore.

[Caller]

Oh, gosh, no.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

I'm sorry, baby. And that's why that kind of hurt never goes away, right?

[Caller]

Never goes away. No.

Wow.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Thank you for calling. That turns sad. Hey, Erin. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller]

Good morning.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Hi.

[Caller]

Well, actually, I'm calling about my dad. When my sister was born, this was in 1967. My parents had just moved. My mom was pregnant with their first child. My dad went out to play cards with friends. They didn't have a phone. My mom went into labor but thought she would have time for him to come home. Ended up having my sister by herself. Had to cut the cord with. With dental floss. I mean, tie it off with dental floss. Passed out three times after she had the baby. On the way to the kitchen to get some orange juice. When my dad came home, she had my sister wrapped in a blanket on the bed with her. And they went on to have three more children, though.

[Geico Gecko]

Wow.

[Caller]

Luckily, my mom had spent some time in Mexico, had seen babies born, but had never.

[Geico Gecko]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Wildest shoes. But they didn't have a phone. My mom didn't know the neighbors. She's just kind of private. Didn't want to bother anybody, and. But the baby came. My sister came.

[Co-host or Contributor]

I've seen baby born, babies born, but I ain't tying nothing off with dental floss.

Yeah. I've watched my fair share of baby story, but I'm not doing it myself. But they're.

Yeah. The whole time they're raised. That mother used that against all of them. You know what I've been through. You know what I can do to you. Yeah.

[Caller (new business owner)]

Yeah.

[Co-host or Contributor]

I'll tie this dental floss around your neck.

[Caller (new business owner)]

That's right.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Hey, Alicia. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller]

Good morning.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Unfortunately, there are no shortage of these calls. Go ahead.

[Caller]

My ex husband actually left because he was upset with me. Him and my mom didn't really get along. His mom lived out of town. And he decided right when I dilated and everything that he was going to be like, your mom needs to leave now. And at this point, I don't care what's going on. I just want this baby out of me. This is my first child. I'm scared. And he decides I'm leaving. And he left and came back maybe five hours later.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

And it was. And at that point, he missed the birthday.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Co-host or Contributor]

And are you still with him?

[Caller]

No. We got divorced. And during our whole divorce thing, when he was really upset, he finally told me he was glad that he found elsewhere to be. So it kind of told me where he may have been.

[Lady Luck]

Aw, you're just mean.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Sweet guy. Well.

[Caller]

But I love your show. You guys are so funny. I listen to you every day when I go to school at Kennesaw.

[Co-host or Contributor]

We would have been there.

We would have been there.

Yeah.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

We would have been there for you.

[Co-host or Contributor]

Take us with you to the front of your baby.

Yeah. Dental floss in hand.

That's right.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

All right, here's the closer call. Hey, Laura. Good morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller]

Good morning.

[Caller (new business owner)]

How are y' all doing?

[Advertiser/Announcer]

Okay.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

How are you doing?

[Caller]

Good.

Well, my dad actually missed my birth. My mom was in labor with me, and she was doing it naturally. And my dad told my mom that, oh, it can't hurt that bad, you know, you're exaggerating, et cetera. And my mom punched him, and he fell. And he was unconscious for my birth because he hit his head on a table and then hit the floor.

[Co-host or Contributor]

Serves him right.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

That might have been the only legitimate excuse right there to miss the birthday. So he literally was knocked out when you were born?

[Caller]

Literally knocked out. They put him in another room while I was being born.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Are they still together?

[Caller]

They are.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

They are, yeah. He's scared to leave.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Co-host or Contributor]

He never said that again.

I hope he still gets grief for that.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Hey, the Birch Show.

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