Vault: Worst Mother in America

Summary

The Bert Show – “Vault: Worst Mother in America”

Original air date: October 29, 2025
Host: Deacon (with Co-host Lindsey and the Bert Show Cast)
Guests: Shelly (daughter), Michelle (mom)

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show tackles a highly charged mother-daughter drama that explores boundaries, embarrassment, and betrayal within a family. When Shelly returns home from college for the summer, she finds herself deeply uncomfortable with her mother Michelle’s flirtatious behavior toward her male friends—and the situation escalates when a shocking revelation comes to light. The segment unfolds in real time as both daughter and mother join the call, with hosts mediating the intensely emotional conversation.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Shelly’s Embarrassment and Concerns

• [02:06–03:26] Shelly explains: After moving home from college, her young, beautiful, and “cool” mom Michelle is making her uncomfortable by openly flirting with Shelly’s male friends.
  • Memorable detail:
    • “[Mom] comes down, she’s like saying to the guys, ‘Well, how do you think I look?’ and I just kind of had to leave the room. I was so embarrassed.” – Shelly [02:54]
• Shelly reveals she’s never directly confronted her mom about the behavior until now.
  • Michelle’s response is to laugh it off: “Oh, you’re crazy. I’m just fooling around. I’m just kidding.” – Michelle (as paraphrased by Shelly) [03:10]

Bringing Mom On-Air: Confrontation Escalates

• [03:33–04:00] On-air confrontation: Shelly voices to her mother that her actions make her uncomfortable and that it feels especially inappropriate when Michelle flirts with friends Shelly might be interested in romantically.
  • “I just feel stupid and, you know, like, I just don’t think you should be…flirting with my friends. I mean, you have your own friends.” – Shelly [03:36]
• Michelle denies flirting, shifting blame:
  • “I don’t flirt with your friends.” – Michelle [04:00]
  • Shelly insists otherwise, referencing a specific incident with a friend named Jason. [04:07–04:19]
  • Michelle turns the tables, claiming, “Maybe you’re just jealous,” and, “Your friends flirt with me.” [04:20, 04:36]
• Michelle emphasizes her attractiveness and confidence:
  • “I’ve taken great care of myself and young boys find that very attractive. They think it’s very sexy to see a woman who’s confident with herself.” – Michelle [04:41]

Bombshell: Mom’s Relationship With Daughter’s Friend

• [05:55–06:36] The Reveal: Michelle admits not only have Shelly’s friends called the house to speak with her, but she recently went on a date with one of Shelly’s friends—Dylan—and that they had sex.
  • “Not only did I go on a date with one of your friends…Dylan. And we even had sex.” – Michelle [06:24–06:33]
• Emotional fallout: Shelly is devastated, calling her mother a “pig” and expressing deep betrayal and hurt.
  • “If what you’re saying is true, the only thing I can say about you is that you just are a pig. You’re just a pig.” – Shelly [07:19]

Parental Responsibility and Competitive Dynamics

• [06:43–08:15] Discussion on boundaries: Hosts and co-host Lindsey question Michelle’s motives and call her out for hurting her daughter and crossing boundaries—implying a competitive, almost adversarial dynamic.
  • “You’re the adult here.” – Shelly [07:42]
  • “You are really putting at risk your relationship with your daughter because you’re trying to make yourself feel good about yourself.” – Deacon [08:07]
• Michelle stands by her choices, claiming the men are adults and that she feels respect for herself, regardless of others’ opinions.
  • “I’m respected by myself, and that’s all that matters.” – Michelle [10:51]

The Tattoo Challenge (Fact Verification)

• [09:08–09:29] Shelly tries to catch Michelle in a lie:
  • “So if you really did sleep with Dylan, mom, why don’t you tell me about a tattoo?”
  • Michelle correctly describes:
    • “Dylan has the number seven tattooed right in the small of his back.” [09:21–09:27]

Continued Tension and Closing Commentary

• [09:32–10:13]: The show hosts, stunned by the emotional damage, discuss the consequences.
  • “I hope you realize that this is the worst day of your daughter’s life. And it will be so for the rest of her life.” – Shelly [10:07]
• Michelle dismisses concerns, justifying her actions as lessons for Shelly about the world and men.
• Deacon and the team warn Michelle that Shelly’s friends speak disrespectfully about her behind her back.
  • “These guys are using you and they are talking so nasty about you. You have no idea. You’re not respected by any one of her friends.” – Deacon [10:36]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “My problem is that my mom is, like, flirting with my friends. Like, the guys I bring back… it’s just so embarrassing.” – Shelly [02:11]
• “Maybe you’re just jealous.” – Michelle [04:20]
• “Your friends flirt with me.” – Michelle [04:36]
• “Not only did I go on a date with one of your friends…Dylan. And we even had sex.” – Michelle [06:24–06:33]
• “If what you’re saying is true…you just are a pig. You’re just a pig.” – Shelly [07:19]
• “You’re the adult here.” – Shelly [07:42]
• “I’m respected by myself, and that’s all that matters.” – Michelle [10:51]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:47] – Episode begins; introduction of the mother/daughter dilemma
• [02:06–03:26] – Shelly describes her discomfort
• [03:33–04:00] – On-air confrontation with Michelle
• [05:55–06:36] – Michelle reveals she dated—and slept with—Shelly’s friend Dylan
• [07:42] – Shelly asserts, “You’re the adult here.”
• [09:08–09:29] – Tattoo verification challenge
• [10:07] – Shelly declares this the worst day of her life
• [10:36–10:51] – Host warns Michelle about her reputation

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Tone of the Episode

The segment is raw, confrontational, and occasionally laced with sarcastic humor from the hosts, gently mocking the absurdity and drama of the situation. The emotional pain and disbelief from Shelly are palpable, while Michelle maintains a defensive, unapologetically confident tone throughout. The hosts’ reactions range from empathy for Shelly to incredulity and direct challenge toward Michelle.

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Useful for Listeners Who Missed the Episode

This segment brings to life a real (and unfiltered) family dilemma, dealing with the nuances of parental boundaries, adult children living at home, and navigating friendships and relationships. The candid conversation—sometimes shocking, often uncomfortable—underscores the ripple effects of blurred boundaries and the fallout that can occur without open communication and empathy. If you missed the episode, you’ll find every tension-filled beat, jaw-dropping confession, and emotional turning point here, making it a memorable installment of The Bert Show vault.

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Transcript

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[Show Announcer]

It's the Birch show.

[Host (Deacon)]

Mathematically, when you think about it, there has to be the worst mother in America. What we didn't know a couple of weeks ago was that the worst mother in America listens to the Burt Show. How are you, Shelly?

[Shelly (Daughter)]

I'm good. How are you doing?

[Host (Deacon)]

Really good. Great. So you've got the problem with mom, huh?

[Shelly (Daughter)]

Yeah.

[Host (Deacon)]

All right, what's happening?

[Shelly (Daughter)]

I've been in college for two years and I recently just moved back in with my Mom. And, you know, I'm here for the summer and I have a lot of friends. I bring my friends home a lot. And my problem is that my mom is, like, flirting with my friends. Like, the guys I bring back, I mean, they're really good looking guys.

[Host (Deacon)]

It's just so embarrassing. Yeah, it's your mom. It's embarrassing.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

Yeah. Two questions I have.

[Host (Deacon)]

One, how old is your mom?

[Shelly (Daughter)]

And two, are your parents still together? No, my parents are not still together. My mom is 40.

[Co-host (Lindsey)]

Okay, so your mom's pretty young, too.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

She's really young. And you know what? She's beautiful and, like, she's so cool and everything. It's just that, you know, at one point, like, my friend Jason was over and, like, we're all laughing and everything. And I know she's like hugging him and like, you know, like jumping up and down like, you know, she's trying to be funny and everything. But it was just like a little embarrassing. You know, the one time she came down, this outfit, she looked gorgeous. But she comes down, she's like saying to the guys, well, how do you think I look? And I just kind of had to leave the room. I was so embarrassed.

[Host (Deacon)]

You've never said anything to her about it?

[Shelly (Daughter)]

No, I have. You know, I mean, just like. I mean, nothing major, but she's just like, oh, you're crazy. I'm just fooling around. I'm just kidding.

[Michelle (Mom)]

Da, da, da.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

But, you know, it's really embarrassing. And, you know, like, I bring guys home for me, you know, like, that I'm interested in. And here they are talking to my mom. Like, I don't want to hear my friends saying my mom is hot.

[Host (Deacon)]

Right, right. I hear you. Hey, Shelly, your mom's on the phone. Hey, Mom.

[Michelle (Mom)]

Hello, Michelle.

[Host (Deacon)]

Oh, Michelle.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

No, I'm Mom. I'm just. I just called because I was just saying about how I'm just a little uncomfortable, like when I bring my friends over and stuff, and, you know, like, you're flirting with them all, and I just. It just really makes me feel uncomfortable and, you know, I just. I just feel stupid and, you know, like, I just don't think you should be, like, flirting with my friends. I mean, you have your own friends and, you know, it just makes me feel bad.

[Michelle (Mom)]

I don't flirt with your friend.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

Mom, come on.

[Michelle (Mom)]

I don't flirt with your friends.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

I just must be imagining it then. How about Jason, Mom. Getting out from the pool, Jason's all wet. And you made a comment about, like, how his shorts, his bathing suit shorts Were sticking to him.

[Michelle (Mom)]

They were.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

I know, but mom, it's a little inappropriate. Like one of my friends, I mean, coming out with a wet bathing suit on, you're commenting about like how big he is. I mean, I just think that's inappropriate, you know, and then maybe you're just jealous.

[Michelle (Mom)]

Oh.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

Oh God. Oh, please.

[Michelle (Mom)]

Mom. Your friends flirt with me.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

What?

[Michelle (Mom)]

You have to know how things are today. I'm a very good looking woman. I've taken great care of myself and young boys find that very attractive. They think it's very sexy to see a woman who's confident with herself.

[Host (Deacon)]

Well, she's. Her friends have said stuff to her like, you know, can your mom back off a little bit? It's making us a little uncomfortable. So you may be a hottie, but her friends are like, yeah, something ain't right here.

[Michelle (Mom)]

Oh, I don't believe that, Mom.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

It's true. I mean, it just really makes me embarrassed. I mean, how do you think I feel like when my friends are coming up and saying like, oh, your mom's like all over me, man. I mean, it's like I just get really embarrassed.

[Michelle (Mom)]

I'm like, oh, sorry, Shelly, you don't even know the things that happen. I protect you from the things that happen.

[Co-host (Lindsey)]

What do you mean?

[Michelle (Mom)]

There are times when I leave so she won't get upset. And I don't want to be there because I see these are young boys and they get excited because they're young boys. They're in that hormone stage, mom.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

They're not like 10.

[Host (Deacon)]

So you leave so that they don't flirt with you?

[Michelle (Mom)]

So that they don't flirt with me. Because I see that it's upsetting her. I understand that. Of course I understand that. But you're not there when they call at home to talk to me.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

Oh, oh, oh, come on, that's absolutely ridiculous.

[Michelle (Mom)]

They call it home to talk to me. It happens all the time.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

Uh huh.

[Host (Deacon)]

Which ones of her friends have called you up?

[Michelle (Mom)]

Actually, one of her friends. Not only did he call me up, I went on a date with him three nights ago.

[Commercial Narrator]

Oh my God.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

Do you know what else?

[Host (Deacon)]

Why haven't you told your daughter about any of this?

[Michelle (Mom)]

I'm protecting her from these things.

[Host (Deacon)]

Well, why are you doing it at all? I mean, you've got a boyfriend, she told us. Why do you need to date her 22 year old friend?

[Shelly (Daughter)]

Wait a minute. You went out on a date with one of my friends?

[Michelle (Mom)]

Who? Not only did I go on a date with one of your friends, who, Mom? Dylan.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

You did not go on a date.

[Michelle (Mom)]

I went on a date with Dylan, and we even had sex.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

Oh, my God.

[Host (Deacon)]

That's Deacon.

[Co-host (Lindsey)]

You said you were protecting your daughter.

[Host (Deacon)]

Yeah. You're not protecting. Tell my daughter you're not protecting.

[Michelle (Mom)]

Your dad was very persistent and we've actually gone out several times.

[Host (Deacon)]

This is not the way you protect her daughter. It sounds to me like you're being hurtful to your daughter.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

When did you go out with him, huh?

[Michelle (Mom)]

Three nights ago.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

When?

[Michelle (Mom)]

Three nights ago.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

Really? You know what? I don't believe you because I am dating Dylan. There's no way dating you.

[Michelle (Mom)]

Oh, my God. Well, we going to get. Dylan's looking for something a little more exciting.

[Host (Deacon)]

Oh, you see, this is a whole. This is like a whole competitive mom daughter thing you got going on here. It really is. You know what?

[Shelly (Daughter)]

If what you're saying is true, the only thing I can say about you is that you just are a pig. You're just a pig.

[Michelle (Mom)]

Oh, oh, oh. She's very upset.

[Host (Deacon)]

Well, that's how you protect your daughter.

[Michelle (Mom)]

I mean, don't tell my daughter these things.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

Why would she be doing.

[Host (Deacon)]

Yeah, why would you even go out. I'm with someone she's going out with.

[Michelle (Mom)]

He's a very persistent young man. There's nothing wrong old women are going to.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

You're the adult. You're the adult here.

[Host (Deacon)]

I say good for you. Go for it, old lady. Seriously, shut up. You have some kind of, like, competitive thing with your daughter?

[Michelle (Mom)]

Absolutely not. These young men are adults. They know exactly what they're doing.

[Host (Deacon)]

Well, so do you.

[Co-host (Lindsey)]

What's your reasoning for going out with Dylan, though? Because it's clearly not protecting your daughter.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

Knowing that she's going out with him.

[Michelle (Mom)]

I didn't know that she was going out with him.

[Host (Deacon)]

I mean, you are really putting at risk your relationship with your daughter because you're trying to make yourself feel good about yourself.

[Michelle (Mom)]

I do feel good about myself.

[Host (Deacon)]

Well, how could you if you're. I mean, if you're sleeping with your daughter's friends and listen to how flirting with them when they come over to the house. And yeah, like Lindsey says, she's so hurt.

[Michelle (Mom)]

I realize that she's very upset, and I will certainly talk to her about this. My intention is not to hurt my daughter. I love my daughter very much, but she has to learn how the world is.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

Oh, see, that's awful.

[Co-host (Lindsey)]

Hey, Amy, if you're as beautiful as you say you are, then I'm sure there are a lot of other men that'll be just as persistent with you. And you'll have a lot of other options. Maybe you should take up one of those options instead of your daughter's friend.

[Michelle (Mom)]

I do have a lot of other options. As I said, this young man was very persistent.

[Host (Deacon)]

Yeah, but you're an adult.

[Co-host (Lindsey)]

How old is he, Amy?

[Michelle (Mom)]

He's an adult.

[Host (Deacon)]

He's gotta be 22. 3. 22, 23. IQ 100.

[Michelle (Mom)]

Probably 23. Hi.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

Hi, this is Shelly again. I just have a question for my mom.

[Host (Deacon)]

Okay. All right, go ahead. You're on.

[Michelle (Mom)]

Shelly, hi.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

I just have a question from my mom.

[Host (Deacon)]

Yeah, your mom's on too.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

Oh, okay. So if you really did sleep with Dylan, mom, why don't you tell me about a tattoo? Do you know anything about a tattoo?

[Michelle (Mom)]

Maybe. Yes.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

You probably don't know anything about it. Cause you're lying.

[Michelle (Mom)]

Dylan has the number seven tattooed right in the small of his back.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

You are stunned.

[Michelle (Mom)]

Is that the tattoo?

[Shelly (Daughter)]

A pig.

[Show Announcer]

Hey, that relationship is really going well with your daughter. I hope you're proud.

[Host (Deacon)]

I mean, what else can we say? I mean, your daughter's totally broken up now. All right.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

Yeah.

[Show Announcer]

Was it worth it for 48 seconds of sex?

[Host (Deacon)]

Especially if he's 23? Yeah, 48 seconds. You're being generous.

[Commercial Narrator]

Yeah.

[Host (Deacon)]

You know, hey, we're gonna let you go because there's nothing. I mean, I could take 50 phone calls here, but I can. I can hear that you're not gonna listen to anybody. Will you go out with Dylan again if he asks?

[Michelle (Mom)]

Certainly not.

[Show Announcer]

Well, the damage has been done, so what does it matter anyway? Yeah, it's like whizzing in the wind. Forget it.

[Host (Deacon)]

Another great. It's a James Taylor over there.

[Shelly (Daughter)]

I hope you realize that this is the worst day of your daughter's life. And it will be so for the rest of her life.

[Michelle (Mom)]

I will speak with her. These are the young men that she's picking. Then she needs to learn about men.

[Host (Deacon)]

Whatever.

[Commercial Narrator]

To Springer.

[Host (Deacon)]

Yeah. If I were you, I'd go out to the car right now where your daughter's called us from and go and talk to her. You guys got a lot of talking off by this point.

[Show Announcer]

All I know is I was 20 and I did sleep with a 40 year old woman. And the only good thing I got out of that was a home cooked meal. That was it, you know?

[Host (Deacon)]

Yeah. These guys aren't talking real highly about you. I gotta tell you, mom, you know, you think you're the beauty queen and you think you've kept your age. These guys are using you and they are talking so nasty about you. You have no idea. You're not respected by any one of her friends.

[Michelle (Mom)]

I'm respected by myself, and that's all that matters.

[Host (Deacon)]

I guess so. All right. Buh. Bye. It's the Virt Show.

[Commercial Narrator]

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[Shelly (Daughter)]

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