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Host
Visit your nearby Lowes
Show Announcer
the Birch Show.
Natalie
Let's just say you're in a relationship, right? And your husband just. Just not great in bed. Just not really good at all for a whole bunch of different reasons. He's too fast, it's too slow, whatever, right? And we've had this conversation before where you're not exactly sure what to say to him to get him better in this area, but I didn't realize until this morning that there are. There's a profession called sexual healers.
Caller 1
Okay?
Natalie
These are legitimate women that will come into your house and sleep with your husband and offer him pointers for you.
Caller 2
What?
Caller 1
Wait one more time again, Natalie back there making these noises.
Caller 3
Perhaps, Natalie, perhaps you'd like to get in on this break.
Caller 1
What is it again? Say that one more time.
Natalie
The sexual healer hired by you, the wife, to sleep with the husband and give him pointers on what he's doing right and what he's doing wrong.
Caller 4
Is she in the room at the time?
Natalie
Let's read together, shall we? I didn't even read the whole article, so I'm gonna have to read slowly just in case there are bad words. Mari Simone boasts a sex resume of over 1500 guys, many of them, quote, unquote, clients and technically, other women's husbands or boyfriends. She says I earn my living by sleeping with other women's husbands or boyfriends, but I am in no way a prostitute, as sex surrogacy is legal. Sex surrogacy, huh?
Caller 1
I thought it was weird to have another woman carry your baby, another woman to take care of your sex. That's a little weird.
Natalie
As long as it is done in a therapeutic and healing atmosphere, sex surrogacy is legal. People are paying for counseling and to cure their problems, not sex.
Caller 1
Wow. I mean, I understand the concept, but I just think, like, the reality of actually going through that seems.
Natalie
She says I'm helping improve and change the sex lives of thousands of men, which means I'm also helping improve the sex lives of their wives and girlfriends. According to an interview, couples flock to the 54 year old. I mean, couples flock to the 54 year old.
Caller 3
Batteries just ran out on Bert.
Natalie
Does that make it okay?
Caller 4
Now, that was great.
Caller 3
Like, if that was.
Natalie
He's a veteran, but I'm sure there are interns.
Caller 3
If it was the 23 year old, Burt would have just not even. But he's like, come up to 54.
Natalie
Well, in order to be good at it, I mean, I guess you have to be an expert and you have to be seasoned. So 54.
Caller 3
And you also need to be limber.
Natalie
Couples flock to the 54 year old for sexual counseling. She charges about 100 bucks a session, and she has five appointments a day.
Caller 3
Not only is it old, it's worn out.
Natalie
Can we do the math on this? So if she's been doing this for 20 years and she's.
Caller 4
She's trying to help a guy who's doing it wrong.
Natalie
Oof. Yeah. She can't even enjoy it. That's five times a day having sex with a dude that's not even good at it.
Caller 1
Well, here's my question.
Caller 3
Who's your grandma? Who's your grandma?
Caller 1
Here's what I thought of when you first brought it up. Don't you think that the guys would perform better for somebody new than they would for somebody they've been with a long time.
Caller 3
Yeah, I think that. You know what, I think this is a giant practical joke. I think the wife says to the guy, hey honey, look, you know, things aren't going great in bed, so I've gone ahead and got someone who's gonna come in and join us in the bedroom. And meanwhile he's thinking about the 19 year old who works at the Starbucks he goes to every morning. He's like, oh, bring it. I know you and her have been flirting.
Caller 1
Yeah, right.
Caller 3
And then in walks his mother's friend is 54. He's like, wait a minute, what's happening here?
Caller 1
But this is obviously happening. If she's had 1500 partners.
Natalie
1500. She says, sure, sometimes she gets naked. But her main objective is to make couples feel more at ease in the sex department. She counsels women too. All of my sessions start in the same way. We start by chatting while I caress their hands to make them feel relaxed and confident with me. Ew, this is getting too graphic. The word caress me too.
Caller 1
A 54 year old woman caressing your hands?
Caller 5
I don't know.
Caller 1
The visual on it is not good.
Natalie
During the next few sessions, I move to giving them back and shoulder massages. So the client. Well, you guys get it?
Caller 4
No, keep reading, but slower.
Natalie
Sometimes I'll have sex with a husband in front of his wife to show them both how to be more sensitive lovers.
Caller 4
Cause I've seen. And some. That's why I asked if she was in the room with him. Because some TV show that I saw where this was something that a couple had engaged in where they hired somebody to have sex with him while the wife watched. And she talked to them through the entire thing.
Show Announcer
Really?
Caller 4
Yeah. And so.
Natalie
And so she's giving details to both in the relationship. Exactly what to do.
Caller 3
That's HBO Real Sex. That was every other episode of Real Sex on HBO was some sort of weird class and the people were always ugly.
Caller 4
Real Sex was a great show.
Natalie
It was a great show.
Caller 4
Is that not on anything?
Host
The guy could feel defeated if you're giving him advice while he's doing it.
Natalie
Well, but he's there for a reason. I mean, he's defeated just by the suggestion alone. I mean, here we have to bring somebody in because you're not enjoying it. I'm not enjoying it. So rather than just give up, let's bring a teacher in.
Caller 3
Yeah. And that like any teacher, but like the girl who taught you, the woman who taught you math in elementary school.
Caller 4
Yeah.
Caller 1
Would you guys do that, though? If your wives came to you and said, we need to work on this, would you bring in somebody else to work on it?
Natalie
I'd read every book, I'd watch every video. I'd do everything I could. That wouldn't even be an option.
Caller 3
I would ask her to show me who she wanted to bring in to work on it.
Natalie
Now, sure. If she gives us that option, you find somebody and you just pick somebody that you like and they can come on in and show you exactly what you're doing, right or wrong, then perhaps, yeah. Good morning, Mary.
Caller 5
Hi.
Natalie
Hi.
Caller 5
I was just. I was listening, obviously, because I'm a big fan of your guys.
Natalie
Thank you.
Caller 5
But. But there are a lot of sexy 54 year olds out there. Take a look at Madonna.
Natalie
Yep.
Caller 1
If Madonna offered to teach you a
Caller 5
thing or two, would you turn her down?
Caller 3
Yes, Madonna is.
Natalie
I would turn Madonna down.
Caller 3
She frightens me.
Caller 5
But I bet she knows a lot.
Natalie
Anywhere Dennis Rodman has been. I'm not going anywhere near that. But I understand what you're saying. And when my wife turns 54, she'll be hot and sexy.
Caller 1
Of course.
Natalie
Of course you're gonna be sexy.
Caller 1
I just meant, like, in the visual that I had in my head as Bert was reading that story. Whatever woman I was picturing in my head, it was not a good scene. I didn't mean in general.
Caller 3
I imagine that if that happened to me, the woman would look the same way Paula Deen did. Walking away from getting hit with the hand, like, covering her face, screaming, oh, my God. It hit me right in the head walking away.
Caller 1
Maybe that's the problem. That's why she hired her.
Natalie
Hey, Debbie.
Caller 5
Hey.
Natalie
Hi.
Caller 5
I so would have done that with my ex husband. He was horrible.
Caller 1
Really.
Natalie
But would he have been open to that?
Caller 5
Probably because he was a bit of a pervert. So he probably would have been very open to that.
Natalie
But didn't you know he was bad in bed before y' all got married? Like, isn't that your fault that you were.
Caller 5
He was good at certain things, though. It's just that one part. He just. It was too quick. And I tried. I tried, I tried to teach him how to slow down some, but it wouldn't work for me.
Caller 3
One way to slow it down is to surprise him with his mom in the room teaching him how to do it.
Caller 5
That probably would have slowed it down a little bit.
Natalie
Did you guys inevitably break up because of that one thing?
Caller 5
No, it was a lot of other reasons. But, yeah, that would have helped out A little bit, though.
Natalie
Okay, thank you. And Morgan, good Morning. You're on Q100.
Caller 5
Hello.
Natalie
Hello.
Caller 5
Hi, Bert.
Natalie
Hey, Morgan.
Caller 5
I was just wondering, don't you think if she was less hot it would be easier to.
Caller 3
Yep.
Caller 5
To get indirection from her? Because if she's real hot, nobody's paying attention to her. She's real hot, the wife is all in it, the husband's all into her being hot. Nobody's listening to it. And if she was less hot, then she would be a little bit more of a credible source, don't you think?
Caller 1
So more effective.
Natalie
That's a good argument. Thank you.
Caller 5
Thank you.
Natalie
We really can dissect. We can dissect anything on this show. Good morning, Casey. You're on Q100.
Host
I.
Caller 5
This is Kathy.
Caller 3
Yes, that's what we called you. Just listen back.
Caller 5
Hello?
Natalie
Yeah, go ahead.
Caller 5
Yes, I just wanted to reiterate what one of the previous callers said. I really. I listen to your radio show every morning. I love your show, but I'm quite offended this morning because there are, and I'm one of them, very nice looking 50 year old women.
Natalie
I don't doubt it.
Caller 5
And I really find it very offensive the comments that you're making. And I think you're going to offend a lot of people and a lot of listeners.
Natalie
You know this is a radio show and we're just joking, right?
Caller 5
It doesn't sound like it.
Natalie
It doesn't sound like it to you because you're over 50 and you're offended by it.
Caller 5
Exactly.
Natalie
But we made a million jokes this morning about other things that you didn't find offensive at all. But this one is close to your heart. So you found this one offensive?
Caller 5
Yes, I do.
Natalie
Okay. I think you're hot. You just sound like a hot 50 year old.
Caller 5
Well, I am. So thank you very much. And you don't quit living just because you turn 50. Damn right. I would love to talk to all of you when you turn 50.
Natalie
For me, it's not that far away.
Caller 1
I'll talk to you.
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Caller 2
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Caller 3
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Podcast Summary: The Bert Show — “Vault: Would You Hire A Sexual Surrogate For Your Husband?”
Original Air Date: May 21, 2026
This episode delves into the provocative and unconventional topic of sexual surrogacy: the idea of hiring a sexual surrogate or "sexual healer" for a partner struggling in the bedroom. The cast and callers tackle questions of legitimacy, boundaries, societal taboos, and personal insecurities with the show's trademark humor and candor. Authentic listener calls add layers of real-world perspective, while the cast’s banter keeps the tone playful—even as serious themes are explored.
"These are legitimate women that will come into your house and sleep with your husband and offer him pointers for you." — Natalie (02:03)
"I earn my living by sleeping with other women's husbands or boyfriends, but I am in no way a prostitute, as sex surrogacy is legal." — Natalie, quoting Mari Simone (02:56)
"She can't even enjoy it. That's five times a day having sex with a dude that's not even good at it." — Natalie (04:39)
"Sometimes I'll have sex with a husband in front of his wife to show them both how to be more sensitive lovers." — Natalie (reading) (06:08)
"You don't quit living just because you turn 50. Damn right." — Caller (11:00)
"I think this is a giant practical joke… and then in walks his mother's friend who's 54. He's like, wait a minute, what's happening here?" — Caller 3 (05:16)
"I so would have done that with my ex-husband. He was horrible." — Caller 5 (08:41)
"There are, and I'm one of them, very nice looking 50-year-old women." — Caller (10:10) "You don't quit living just because you turn 50." — Caller (11:00)
The conversation is lively, irreverent, and at times self-deprecating. The hosts and callers balance genuine curiosity with humor and aren’t afraid to confront taboos or challenge one another.
Summary Takeaway:
The Bert Show transforms a provocative, potentially sensitive topic into an open conversation—full of laughs, real reactions, and moments of insight about relationships, intimacy, and societal expectations. Both hosts and callers weigh in, making for an episode that’s as entertaining as it is thought-provoking.