Vault: Would You Hire A Sexual Surrogate For Your Husband?

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bert Show — “Vault: Would You Hire A Sexual Surrogate For Your Husband?”
Original Air Date: May 21, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode delves into the provocative and unconventional topic of sexual surrogacy: the idea of hiring a sexual surrogate or "sexual healer" for a partner struggling in the bedroom. The cast and callers tackle questions of legitimacy, boundaries, societal taboos, and personal insecurities with the show's trademark humor and candor. Authentic listener calls add layers of real-world perspective, while the cast’s banter keeps the tone playful—even as serious themes are explored.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introducing Sexual Surrogacy (01:31–02:38)

• Natalie introduces the concept by asking what listeners would do if their spouse wasn’t great in bed, referencing a professional known as a "sexual healer."
• She describes this as a legitimate profession where a woman is hired to sleep with a man and provide pointers to improve his sexual performance.
• Quote:

  "These are legitimate women that will come into your house and sleep with your husband and offer him pointers for you." — Natalie (02:03)

2. Defining the Role and Legality (02:39–03:16)

• The group clarifies that sex surrogacy is defined as therapeutic and legal, distinguished from prostitution by its counseling focus.
• Discusses the case of Mari Simone, a 54-year-old professional who claims to have helped thousands.
• Quote:

  "I earn my living by sleeping with other women's husbands or boyfriends, but I am in no way a prostitute, as sex surrogacy is legal." — Natalie, quoting Mari Simone (02:56)

3. Skepticism, Jokes, and Gender Dynamics (03:17–04:39)

• The cast jokes about the practicality, imagining the surprise of expecting a young woman and having someone "your mother’s age" arrive.
• Discussion about the physical and emotional toll, both on the surrogate and the husband.
• Quote:

  "She can't even enjoy it. That's five times a day having sex with a dude that's not even good at it." — Natalie (04:39)

4. Is It Effective? Is It a Fantasy? (04:46–05:41)

• Questioning whether men would perform better for a stranger than for their wives, and whether the process is effective or just a fantasy.
• A running joke about potential disappointment if the surrogate isn't as attractive as hoped.

5. Therapeutic Process Details (05:42–06:14)

• Natalie describes the surrogacy process: starting with casual conversation, hand caressing, massages, and possibly having sex in front of the wife to instruct both partners.
• The cast expresses discomfort at some specifics, poking fun at the awkwardness.
• Quote:

  "Sometimes I'll have sex with a husband in front of his wife to show them both how to be more sensitive lovers." — Natalie (reading) (06:08)

6. Pop Culture Connections & Male Vulnerability (06:15–07:01)

• References to pop culture (HBO’s “Real Sex”) and speculation about the potential humiliation for the man involved.
• Debate over whether public correction in the act itself would be counterproductive.

7. Would You Do It? Listener Reactions (07:02–09:22)

• Male cast members and callers are divided: some refuse outright; others would consider it if they could choose the surrogate.
• Callers chime in: one says there are plenty of sexy 54-year-olds (e.g., Madonna reference at 07:53); another admits she would’ve hired a surrogate for her ex-husband.

8. Gender & Age Stereotypes Challenged (09:23–11:08)

• The episode takes a turn as a 50-year-old caller expresses offense at the cast’s jokes about older women’s attractiveness.
• The cast clarifies the jokes weren’t meant to disparage, but the caller stands her ground, defending the desirability of older women.
• Quote:

  "You don't quit living just because you turn 50. Damn right." — Caller (11:00)

9. Final Thoughts: Dissecting Taboos (11:08–End)

• The segment closes with playful self-awareness about how the show dissects any topic, no matter how taboo or awkward.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Humorous take on surrogacy:

  "I think this is a giant practical joke… and then in walks his mother's friend who's 54. He's like, wait a minute, what's happening here?" — Caller 3 (05:16)

• On personal experience:

  "I so would have done that with my ex-husband. He was horrible." — Caller 5 (08:41)

• Defending older women:

  "There are, and I'm one of them, very nice looking 50-year-old women." — Caller (10:10) "You don't quit living just because you turn 50." — Caller (11:00)

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Timestamps of Important Segments

• 01:31 — Natalie introduces the concept of sexual surrogacy
• 02:38 — Details Mari Simone’s professional experience
• 04:39 — Discussion of physical toll on surrogates
• 06:08 — Description of process, including performing in front of spouse
• 07:18 — Male panelists and callers share if they’d participate
• 08:41 — Caller describes wanting to hire a surrogate for her ex-husband
• 10:10–11:08 — Callers defend attractiveness and vitality of older women

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Language and Tone

The conversation is lively, irreverent, and at times self-deprecating. The hosts and callers balance genuine curiosity with humor and aren’t afraid to confront taboos or challenge one another.

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Summary Takeaway:
The Bert Show transforms a provocative, potentially sensitive topic into an open conversation—full of laughs, real reactions, and moments of insight about relationships, intimacy, and societal expectations. Both hosts and callers weigh in, making for an episode that’s as entertaining as it is thought-provoking.

Transcript

[Host]

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[Host]

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[Show Announcer]

the Birch Show.

[Natalie]

Let's just say you're in a relationship, right? And your husband just. Just not great in bed. Just not really good at all for a whole bunch of different reasons. He's too fast, it's too slow, whatever, right? And we've had this conversation before where you're not exactly sure what to say to him to get him better in this area, but I didn't realize until this morning that there are. There's a profession called sexual healers.

[Caller 1]

Okay?

[Natalie]

These are legitimate women that will come into your house and sleep with your husband and offer him pointers for you.

[Caller 2]

What?

[Caller 1]

Wait one more time again, Natalie back there making these noises.

[Caller 3]

Perhaps, Natalie, perhaps you'd like to get in on this break.

[Caller 1]

What is it again? Say that one more time.

[Natalie]

The sexual healer hired by you, the wife, to sleep with the husband and give him pointers on what he's doing right and what he's doing wrong.

[Caller 4]

Is she in the room at the time?

[Natalie]

Let's read together, shall we? I didn't even read the whole article, so I'm gonna have to read slowly just in case there are bad words. Mari Simone boasts a sex resume of over 1500 guys, many of them, quote, unquote, clients and technically, other women's husbands or boyfriends. She says I earn my living by sleeping with other women's husbands or boyfriends, but I am in no way a prostitute, as sex surrogacy is legal. Sex surrogacy, huh?

[Caller 1]

I thought it was weird to have another woman carry your baby, another woman to take care of your sex. That's a little weird.

[Natalie]

As long as it is done in a therapeutic and healing atmosphere, sex surrogacy is legal. People are paying for counseling and to cure their problems, not sex.

[Caller 1]

Wow. I mean, I understand the concept, but I just think, like, the reality of actually going through that seems.

[Natalie]

She says I'm helping improve and change the sex lives of thousands of men, which means I'm also helping improve the sex lives of their wives and girlfriends. According to an interview, couples flock to the 54 year old. I mean, couples flock to the 54 year old.

[Caller 3]

Batteries just ran out on Bert.

[Natalie]

Does that make it okay?

[Caller 4]

Now, that was great.

[Caller 3]

Like, if that was.

[Natalie]

He's a veteran, but I'm sure there are interns.

[Caller 3]

If it was the 23 year old, Burt would have just not even. But he's like, come up to 54.

[Natalie]

Well, in order to be good at it, I mean, I guess you have to be an expert and you have to be seasoned. So 54.

[Caller 3]

And you also need to be limber.

[Natalie]

Couples flock to the 54 year old for sexual counseling. She charges about 100 bucks a session, and she has five appointments a day.

[Caller 3]

Not only is it old, it's worn out.

[Natalie]

Can we do the math on this? So if she's been doing this for 20 years and she's.

[Caller 4]

She's trying to help a guy who's doing it wrong.

[Natalie]

Oof. Yeah. She can't even enjoy it. That's five times a day having sex with a dude that's not even good at it.

[Caller 1]

Well, here's my question.

[Caller 3]

Who's your grandma? Who's your grandma?

[Caller 1]

Here's what I thought of when you first brought it up. Don't you think that the guys would perform better for somebody new than they would for somebody they've been with a long time.

[Caller 3]

Yeah, I think that. You know what, I think this is a giant practical joke. I think the wife says to the guy, hey honey, look, you know, things aren't going great in bed, so I've gone ahead and got someone who's gonna come in and join us in the bedroom. And meanwhile he's thinking about the 19 year old who works at the Starbucks he goes to every morning. He's like, oh, bring it. I know you and her have been flirting.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, right.

[Caller 3]

And then in walks his mother's friend is 54. He's like, wait a minute, what's happening here?

[Caller 1]

But this is obviously happening. If she's had 1500 partners.

[Natalie]

1500. She says, sure, sometimes she gets naked. But her main objective is to make couples feel more at ease in the sex department. She counsels women too. All of my sessions start in the same way. We start by chatting while I caress their hands to make them feel relaxed and confident with me. Ew, this is getting too graphic. The word caress me too.

[Caller 1]

A 54 year old woman caressing your hands?

[Caller 5]

I don't know.

[Caller 1]

The visual on it is not good.

[Natalie]

During the next few sessions, I move to giving them back and shoulder massages. So the client. Well, you guys get it?

[Caller 4]

No, keep reading, but slower.

[Natalie]

Sometimes I'll have sex with a husband in front of his wife to show them both how to be more sensitive lovers.

[Caller 4]

Cause I've seen. And some. That's why I asked if she was in the room with him. Because some TV show that I saw where this was something that a couple had engaged in where they hired somebody to have sex with him while the wife watched. And she talked to them through the entire thing.

[Show Announcer]

Really?

[Caller 4]

Yeah. And so.

[Natalie]

And so she's giving details to both in the relationship. Exactly what to do.

[Caller 3]

That's HBO Real Sex. That was every other episode of Real Sex on HBO was some sort of weird class and the people were always ugly.

[Caller 4]

Real Sex was a great show.

[Natalie]

It was a great show.

[Caller 4]

Is that not on anything?

[Host]

The guy could feel defeated if you're giving him advice while he's doing it.

[Natalie]

Well, but he's there for a reason. I mean, he's defeated just by the suggestion alone. I mean, here we have to bring somebody in because you're not enjoying it. I'm not enjoying it. So rather than just give up, let's bring a teacher in.

[Caller 3]

Yeah. And that like any teacher, but like the girl who taught you, the woman who taught you math in elementary school.

[Caller 4]

Yeah.

[Caller 1]

Would you guys do that, though? If your wives came to you and said, we need to work on this, would you bring in somebody else to work on it?

[Natalie]

I'd read every book, I'd watch every video. I'd do everything I could. That wouldn't even be an option.

[Caller 3]

I would ask her to show me who she wanted to bring in to work on it.

[Natalie]

Now, sure. If she gives us that option, you find somebody and you just pick somebody that you like and they can come on in and show you exactly what you're doing, right or wrong, then perhaps, yeah. Good morning, Mary.

[Caller 5]

Hi.

[Natalie]

Hi.

[Caller 5]

I was just. I was listening, obviously, because I'm a big fan of your guys.

[Natalie]

Thank you.

[Caller 5]

But. But there are a lot of sexy 54 year olds out there. Take a look at Madonna.

[Natalie]

Yep.

[Caller 1]

If Madonna offered to teach you a

[Caller 5]

thing or two, would you turn her down?

[Caller 3]

Yes, Madonna is.

[Natalie]

I would turn Madonna down.

[Caller 3]

She frightens me.

[Caller 5]

But I bet she knows a lot.

[Natalie]

Anywhere Dennis Rodman has been. I'm not going anywhere near that. But I understand what you're saying. And when my wife turns 54, she'll be hot and sexy.

[Caller 1]

Of course.

[Natalie]

Of course you're gonna be sexy.

[Caller 1]

I just meant, like, in the visual that I had in my head as Bert was reading that story. Whatever woman I was picturing in my head, it was not a good scene. I didn't mean in general.

[Caller 3]

I imagine that if that happened to me, the woman would look the same way Paula Deen did. Walking away from getting hit with the hand, like, covering her face, screaming, oh, my God. It hit me right in the head walking away.

[Caller 1]

Maybe that's the problem. That's why she hired her.

[Natalie]

Hey, Debbie.

[Caller 5]

Hey.

[Natalie]

Hi.

[Caller 5]

I so would have done that with my ex husband. He was horrible.

[Caller 1]

Really.

[Natalie]

But would he have been open to that?

[Caller 5]

Probably because he was a bit of a pervert. So he probably would have been very open to that.

[Natalie]

But didn't you know he was bad in bed before y' all got married? Like, isn't that your fault that you were.

[Caller 5]

He was good at certain things, though. It's just that one part. He just. It was too quick. And I tried. I tried, I tried to teach him how to slow down some, but it wouldn't work for me.

[Caller 3]

One way to slow it down is to surprise him with his mom in the room teaching him how to do it.

[Caller 5]

That probably would have slowed it down a little bit.

[Natalie]

Did you guys inevitably break up because of that one thing?

[Caller 5]

No, it was a lot of other reasons. But, yeah, that would have helped out A little bit, though.

[Natalie]

Okay, thank you. And Morgan, good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller 5]

Hello.

[Natalie]

Hello.

[Caller 5]

Hi, Bert.

[Natalie]

Hey, Morgan.

[Caller 5]

I was just wondering, don't you think if she was less hot it would be easier to.

[Caller 3]

Yep.

[Caller 5]

To get indirection from her? Because if she's real hot, nobody's paying attention to her. She's real hot, the wife is all in it, the husband's all into her being hot. Nobody's listening to it. And if she was less hot, then she would be a little bit more of a credible source, don't you think?

[Caller 1]

So more effective.

[Natalie]

That's a good argument. Thank you.

[Caller 5]

Thank you.

[Natalie]

We really can dissect. We can dissect anything on this show. Good morning, Casey. You're on Q100.

[Host]

I.

[Caller 5]

This is Kathy.

[Caller 3]

Yes, that's what we called you. Just listen back.

[Caller 5]

Hello?

[Natalie]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Caller 5]

Yes, I just wanted to reiterate what one of the previous callers said. I really. I listen to your radio show every morning. I love your show, but I'm quite offended this morning because there are, and I'm one of them, very nice looking 50 year old women.

[Natalie]

I don't doubt it.

[Caller 5]

And I really find it very offensive the comments that you're making. And I think you're going to offend a lot of people and a lot of listeners.

[Natalie]

You know this is a radio show and we're just joking, right?

[Caller 5]

It doesn't sound like it.

[Natalie]

It doesn't sound like it to you because you're over 50 and you're offended by it.

[Caller 5]

Exactly.

[Natalie]

But we made a million jokes this morning about other things that you didn't find offensive at all. But this one is close to your heart. So you found this one offensive?

[Caller 5]

Yes, I do.

[Natalie]

Okay. I think you're hot. You just sound like a hot 50 year old.

[Caller 5]

Well, I am. So thank you very much. And you don't quit living just because you turn 50. Damn right. I would love to talk to all of you when you turn 50.

[Natalie]

For me, it's not that far away.

[Caller 1]

I'll talk to you.

[Show Announcer]

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[Caller 3]

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