Vault: Would You Leave Your Spouse Over Smoking?

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: Would You Leave Your Spouse Over Smoking?

Date: May 27, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this candid and relatable episode, The Bert Show takes on a personal dilemma from a listener whose spouse has started smoking again, despite previous efforts to quit. The show explores the challenges non-smokers face living with a smoker, boundaries in relationships, and whether smoking could ever be a “deal breaker.” The conversation features genuine anecdotes, humor, and open debate from both the hosts and callers, serving up a mix of empathy and tough love around a topic that many couples face.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Listener’s Dilemma: Living With a Spouse Who Smokes

Timestamps: 01:30–09:59

• Caller’s Situation: The primary caller shares that his wife, Stacy, has relapsed into smoking due to stress. He wants to respect her autonomy but struggles with the smell and the effect on his life.

• Quote:

  "She's going through a really stressful time right now... She quits, goes a long time, doesn't smoke. And then, it just takes a little bit of stress... that one becomes two becomes three, and all of a sudden it is that smoking every day."
  — Caller (01:36)

• Emotional Toll: The caller notes his wife feels shame and disgust about her habit, but it’s a deep-rooted crutch during stress.

  • “I even see her beating up herself over it every single day... she walked out of there and she's like, I hate the way I smell right now. I just want out of the room.”
    — Caller (02:26)

• Personal Boundaries: The caller wonders if he can request rules around smoking, like not wearing his jacket while smoking, without applying pressure to quit.

2. Navigating Relationship Boundaries

Timestamps: 03:41–05:28

• Empathy vs. Control:

  • Host Jen reflects on the delicate balance between expressing discomfort and not nagging the partner.
    • “Because in some situations, it would make you want to smoke less if you knew it was grossing somebody out... But in other ways, it could make you rebel against it... ‘Well, screw you, you’re not telling me what to do.’”
      — Jen (03:47)
  • The caller admits to a history of nagging, making him reluctant to bring it up again.

• Constructive Suggestions:

  • Jen suggests politely pointing out specific requests (like not wearing his coat while smoking) but warns every relationship is different.
    • “That wouldn't be something that would upset me. I’d feel embarrassed... In your relationship, she might be upset... It's just such a different thing.”
      — Jen (04:40)

3. Is Smoking a Relationship Deal Breaker?

Timestamps: 06:33–07:39

• Caller Perspectives: A listener calls in and says for her and her partner it would be a deal-breaker:

  • “It's a deal breaker for me and Katie, and she knows that because Katie and I are both former smokers... I would leave her if she started smoking again.”
    — Caller (07:15)
  • The main caller expresses surprise, questioning if others would really end a marriage over smoking.

• Health as Priority:

  • “Because my health is far more important than her smoking. I'm not gonna tiptoe around her.”
    — Caller (07:34)

4. Coping Strategies and Quitting Aids

Timestamps: 06:43–08:48

• Quit Suggestions: Audience and hosts mention various aids (Commit lozenges, Chantix, hypnosis), though the main caller repeatedly clarifies he's not aiming to pressure his wife to quit, just to coexist comfortably.

  • “I don't want... my intention here is not to force her or suggest that this is the time for her to not smoke.”
    — Caller (06:54)

• Relationship Dynamics:

  • “You probably should be asking who has succeeded, successfully had a relationship where one's a smoker and one's not, and I don't know of any.”
    — Caller (09:03)

5. Letting Go and Self-Pressure

Timestamps: 09:20–09:55

• Empathetic Advice: Caller Amy commends the listener’s approach to removing pressure:
  • “Sometimes it's not so much what we say, but what we do... when you're pressuring her, all of that stuff gets anger toward you, but you're releasing it. So now she can deal with it... She may just get sick of it and pressure herself to stop.”
    — Amy (09:22)

6. The Love-Hate Relationship With Smoking

Timestamps: 09:55–10:08

• The caller observes the complex affection and revulsion smokers have for their habit.
  • “Smokers have this weird love-hate relationship with smoking... In one week she'll tell me... ‘I'm not giving up smoking because I like it so much’... The next week she's like, ‘I hate smoking. I absolutely hate everything about it.’”
    — Caller (09:55)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Setting Boundaries:

  “Would you mind not wearing my jacket when you go out? Because I don't want it to smell like smoke when I wear it later. Like, I think that's a very reasonable request.”
  — Jen (04:40)

• When Smoking Is a Deal Breaker:

  “I would leave her if she started smoking again.”
  — Caller (07:25)

• On Letting Go of Pressure:

  “If you're going to release a lot of the pressure off of her, she may put the pressure on herself because she’s frustrated, she’s disgusted by it... you’ll support her and you’ll still care about it, but you’re not going to put it on her.”
  — Amy (09:22)

• On the Smoker’s Inner Conflict:

  “Smokers have this weird love-hate relationship with smoking... I’ve never seen anything like it before.”
  — Caller (09:55)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:30 — Caller introduces dilemma about spouse’s relapse into smoking
• 02:21 — Hosts discuss the comfort and shame cycles of smoking
• 03:41 — Discussion of how to bring up boundaries without nagging
• 05:20 — Importance of understanding the partner’s perspective
• 06:33 — Caller: Smoking is a deal breaker for some relationships
• 07:15 — Debate over whether one would end a relationship over smoking
• 09:22 — Caller Amy: On the benefits of releasing pressure
• 09:55 — The love-hate dynamic of smokers discussed

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Summary

This episode blends humor and heartfelt advice as The Bert Show and listeners navigate the messy realities of living with a spouse who smokes. The conversation touches on the limits of empathy, when boundaries become ultimatums, and how quit aids and genuine support can impact both partners. While some draw a hard line at smoking, most agree that each relationship is unique, and the healthiest path forward involves open communication, respect, and—sometimes—learning to let go.

Transcript

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[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

You're on the Birch Show. Jen, you can help me with a problem here.

[Radio Host Jen]

What's up?

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

So my, my wife Stacy is smoking again. And I have embraced the thought that pressuring her is not going to make her stop smoking. She is gonna smoke until she is ready to stop. I. I have embraced that now. So there's no more pressure. Or at least I'm minimizing my pressure as much as I can and I'm hardly talking to her about it at all now. She's going through a really stressful time right now. We got some financial stuff going on, some other stuff, so she's lighting up and I think she's a lot like you in that she quits, goes a long time, man, doesn't smoke. And then it just takes a little bit of stress or it takes going out one night with some friends. She gets that cigarette in the mouth, man, and at one becomes two becomes three and all of a sudden it is that smoking every day.

[Radio Host Jen]

Yeah, it is that crutch that's easy to fall back on. And then you pick up the habit, right? Bright all over again.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

And I even see her beating up herself over it every single day. Like I've heard her say that. So disgusting. Like you guys were having a smoke the other night and you. I guess we're in a really smoke filled room and she walked out of there and she's like, I hate the way I smell right now. I just want it out of the room. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

[Radio Host Jeff]

I don't want the smoke on my clothes, I want it in my lungs.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

But she keeps going back. Like to a non smoker. It doesn't make any logical sense to me, but I understand what she's going through, so I'm not pressuring her anymore. Okay. However, I just think it's so gross, y'.

[Radio Host Jeff]

All.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

I mean, it's just, it, it's so gross. And it just doesn't affect her. Like when she's outside smoking on the porch or whatever, right? And she's wearing one of my jackets when she comes back in the house. Now I put that jacket on later and it smells like smoke when she comes back in the house and I go to give her a kiss, I can smell the smoke in her hair when she's walking around. Now I can just smell it, you know? So my question, I'm not even sure what my question is. Like I know she's going through a tough time and I know she's smoking, but as the non smoker in the house, am I allowed to set up some rules on how she can smoke around the house? I don't even know how to approach it.

[Radio Host Jeff]

I think that depends on guard your camel toe.

[Radio Host Jen]

You know, I honestly feel like it depends on the person, you know, because in some situations it would make you want to smoke less if you knew it was grossing somebody out that you wanted to not be grossed out by you. But in other ways it could make you rebel against it, you know, and say, well, screw you. You're not telling me what to do,

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

how do I dress it without making it sound like I'm pressuring her to stop smoking. Because I really am not. I just don't want to see it and I don't want to smell it. And I just don't. I sort of want to just turn the other cheek. But that's, that's really nervous smoking because it's, it reeks.

[Radio Host Jeff]

No matter how many times or how good people smoke, think they are at hiding their cigarette smoking, you'll never not be able to smell it.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

I don't know about that. I know somebody that's hid it from their spouse for a very long time.

[Radio Host Jeff]

I don't believe that. I think there's.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

Unless the spouse is turning the other cheeks, doing the same thing I'm doing now, maybe. So what do I do? How do I approach it?

[Radio Host Jen]

I don't know because I really feel like it's an individual couple kind of thing. Because I wouldn't want to tell you to point because my original thought was, well, point it out to Stacey. Just say something like, would you mind not wearing my jacket when you go out? Because I don't want it to smell like smoke when I wear it later. Like, I think that's a very reasonable request. And that wouldn't be something that would upset me. I would feel embarrassed. I would be like, oh my God, I'm so sorry I wore your coat. But in your situation, in your relationship, she might be like upset about that. Like, God, Bert is just nagging and nagging and nagging at me. So I don't know what her response is gonna be. And I think it depends on where she is in the stage of wanting to quit or not wanting to quit or not caring or caring or. You know what I mean? It's just such a different thing.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

I mean, and I have a history of nagging her about it. And the non nagging probably stopped just a couple months ago.

[Radio Host Jen]

So she may throw everything you say about it into the nagging category.

[Radio Host Jeff]

You know, are the holidays the wrong time to even bring it up?

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

Bring it up?

[Radio Host Jen]

I mean, I think it just depends on the person and depends on their own personal struggle with it. But I mean, you're right in that she's only going to be able to do it herself, that she's going to have to come up with it on her own. And I don't know in what ways that you can give her examples or encouragement or advice or direction or anything at all.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

I mean, I think what would you be open to? Let's say it was you. Let's say it was you and you had a boyfriend who just is so anti smoking in every way, shape or form. What could he say to have you bring your guard down.

[Radio Host Jen]

You know, it's tough. Probably that it was gross. Probably that it grossed him out like,

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

that he doesn't put the wall up for you.

[Radio Host Jen]

That he would. He would. He wouldn't want to kiss me because it smelled like that.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

She already knows that, though. I don't know what to do.

[Radio Host Jeff]

I think you should start kissing Jen until. You're only gonna kiss Jen until.

[Commercial Narrator]

Great idea.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

That's why I didn't ask you. Jeff. Good morning, Sue. You're on Q100. Hey.

[Caller/Listener]

Hey.

[Commercial Narrator]

How you doing?

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

Okay. How are you?

[Caller/Listener]

I'm all right. I'm a non smoker, never have been. But does your wife only smoke outside? She does not smoke in your house, correct? No.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Caller/Listener]

Oh, well, that's good. And my other suggestion was for you to buy her a box of commits for the holidays and wrap them up for her.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

What are commits?

[Caller/Listener]

They help you quit smoking.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

See, I don't want. That's not my intention here. My intention is not to force her or suggest that this is the time for her to not smoke. I'm embracing the idea that. Look, she's not capable of doing it right now.

[Commercial Narrator]

She's not. But you know what?

[Caller/Listener]

When you're a non smoker and somebody is smoking, it is disgusting.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

I know that.

[Caller/Listener]

But, yeah, I know you love your wife.

I mean, it's a deal breaker for me and Katie, and she knows that because Katie and I are both former smokers. And I think Katie's far more tempted than I am, and I would leave her if she started smoking again.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

No, you wouldn't.

[Caller/Listener]

Yes, I would. Absolutely would. It's a transfer.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

You would give up the entire relationship?

[Caller/Listener]

Yes, I would.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

If she started smoking again?

[Caller/Listener]

Yes, I would.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

Really?

[Radio Host Jen]

That's your line in the sand?

[Caller/Listener]

Because my health is far more important than her smoking. I'm not gonna tiptoe around her. She knows that.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

Now, keep in mind, now, Stacy's not smoking anywhere where I'm smelling the smoke off the cigarette. It's just on her clothes, in her hair, in her mouth, on a jacket that we're sharing in her car when I borrow the car.

[Caller/Listener]

No, I love Katie, but it comes down to health for me. And if. And if she disregards hers, then she can't be with me, who has to constantly be concerned about mine.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

Good morning, lynn. You're on Q100.

[Caller/Listener]

Good morning. Love the show.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

Thank you.

[Caller/Listener]

I just wanted to tell you that there is this new drug that they've got out, and it's called Chantix. C H A N T I X and this drug works.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

You guys are having a harder time accepting this concept than I am now. And this is happening in my own house. I don't want to make any suggestions to her that now is the time for her to stop. I'm okay with that. What I'm asking is how does a non smoker live with a smoker? What can you say to have them have zero trace that there's smoke around the house?

[Commercial Narrator]

It's smoking courtesy. So what do you do for somebody who doesn't?

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

It's so weird. That's a stupid question.

[Radio Host Jen]

I don't know.

[Commercial Narrator]

I know.

[Radio Host Jeff]

You know what? I know the answer. I think you should tell her to try hypnosis. Hypnosis.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

I suggested that to her and then. But.

[Radio Host Jeff]

Or no, I'm sorry. You should try the hypnosis so you don't smell cigarette smoke anymore.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

I don't see anything coming in that has a really good. Everybody is making suggestions on how to get her to stop smoking, but that's not what I'm. That's not my intention.

[Caller/Listener]

You probably should be asking who has succeeded successfully, had a relationship where one's a smoker and one's not, and I don't know of any.

[Radio Host Jeff]

If you have a friend who's hiding it from their spouse, why don't you go to the friend who's successfully hiding it and say, what are you doing? Serious?

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

That might be the answer right there.

[Radio Host Jen]

That's the solution.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

Hey, Amy, good morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller/Listener Amy]

Good morning. I just want to say I think it's great the place that you're in now. And sometimes it's not so much maybe what we say, but what we do. And if you're going to release a lot of the pressure off of her, she may put the pressure on herself because she's frustrated, she's disgusted by it. But when you're pressuring her, all of that stuff gets anger toward you, but you're releasing it. So now she can deal with it and you'll support her and you'll still care about it, but you're not going to put it on her because you know she's doing what she can. So then she may just get sick of it and pressure herself to stop.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

Smokers have this weird love hate relationship with smoking.

[Radio Host Jen]

Yes.

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

I've never seen anything like it before. She loves it. I mean, in one week she'll tell me, you know, why I'm not giving up smoking because I like it so much those words have come out of her mouth.

[Commercial Narrator]

Really?

[Caller/Listener with Smoking Concern]

Yes. And the next week she's like, I hate smoking. I absolutely hate everything about it. So, like, if you have any suggestions, go ahead and email me q100atlanta.com Listen it's the vert show.

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