The Bert Show — "Vault: You Can Freeze Dry Your Pets?!"

Date: November 17, 2025
Main Host: Bert (Birch Show Host)
Co-Hosts/Guests: Phil, Melissa, Others
Call-in Listeners: Michelle, Angie, Amanda, Vicki

Episode Overview

This episode takes on a topic straddling the lines between strange, heartfelt, and darkly comedic: what do you do with a beloved pet after they pass away? The crew discusses the traditional routes of cremation and burial, then dives deep into the bizarre world of pet freeze drying and preservation. Through personal anecdotes, listener emails, and live caller stories, the hosts explore society's attempts to keep pets close—sometimes uncomfortably so—after they're gone. The tone is characteristic of The Bert Show: funny, unfiltered, sometimes irreverent, but never mean-spirited.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Coping with Losing a Pet (01:33-04:41)

• Bert shares his family's grief over losing their dog, Kahuna, after eight years. The difficulty of adjusting to a pet’s absence is palpable.
  • “I still have the thoughts of ‘I’ve got to feed Kahuna... but there’s no Kahuna’.” (Birch Show Host, 02:10)
• How people handle the remains: Bert chose cremation for Kahuna. Phil still has ashes of his pets in the closet (03:36).
  • “You don’t tell new people in your life… ‘Oh, those urns in the closet? That’s my basset hound.’” (Phil, 03:41)
• Mobility as a factor: Phil mentions many people don’t bury pets because they move often, highlighting how urban living has changed rituals.

2. The Wild World of Pet Preservation (04:41-08:31)

• Discovery of Pet Preservation (Freeze Drying):
  • Bert reads from petpreservations.com, introducing "freeze drying" as an alternative to burial/cremation.
    • “Pet preservation, also known as freeze drying, is the comforting alternative to your pet’s burial or cremation.” (Birch Show Host, 05:39)
• Reactions oscillate between shock and humor:
  • “So you turn your dog into like dippin dots?” (Co-host, 06:00)
  • “You could do anything you wanted. One of the FAQs is literally: ‘What position will you put my pet in?’” (Birch Show Host, 07:31)
• Posing pets: You send a photo and description for your pet’s final presentation.
  • “What if you sent a picture of your Jack Russell humping someone’s leg?” (Co-host, 07:50)

3. Listeners' Pet Preservation Stories (09:41-14:00)

• DIY Cremation Gone Awry (09:45):
  • Michelle calls in about a neighbor who cremated their cat in a backyard chiminea—resulting in the whole neighborhood smelling it.
    • “She comes outside, ‘Oh, I’m sorry about the smell. The cat died… so we put him in the chiminea.’” (Caller, Michelle, 10:00)
• Pets in the Freezer (10:38):
  • Angie reports a friend’s pet monkey kept in the freezer for 15 years "waiting" to be freeze dried.
    • “They have the monkey still in the freezer.” (Caller, Angie, 10:59)
  • Bert reads how the freeze-drying company instructs owners to put pets on ice and ship them to Colorado.
• The Practicalities (11:28-12:45):
  • The team jokes about logistics: sharing a freezer with a dead pet, running out of money for preservation, and the awkwardness of significant others discovering a pet among the frozen food.
    • “One box of baking soda is not gonna do it for keeping those up.” (Melissa, 12:04)

4. The Business of Pet Freeze Drying (12:56-13:19)

• Profit in Pet Preservation:
  • Amanda calls in, referencing a Dateline segment about a man who makes a fortune freeze drying pets that are then placed in glass cases for owners.
    • “You will make money off people who have kids and people who have animals. This guy is rolling in bank.” (Birch Show Host, 13:19)

5. Even Weirder Alternatives

• Vacuum-Sealed Pets (14:05):
  • Vicki describes a woman who vacuum-sealed her deceased dog, froze it, and buried it in a cooler—digging it up to move each time she moved house.
    • “Every time they move, they dig up the cooler and bring the dog with them.” (Caller, Vicki, 14:24)
• Celebrity Taxidermy Trivia:
  • Phil brings up Roy Rogers, who famously had his horse stuffed.

6. Listener Testimonial from Pet Preservation (15:18-17:12)

• Poignant (and unsettling) email:
  • The team reads a real testimonial from a customer who freeze-dried a Pomeranian for their grieving parents.
    • "When we first opened it, it was very scary because he looked just like he was alive. My mom started to cry. My dad was silent.” (Letter read by Co-host, 16:30)
    • "Perseus the Pomeranian is theirs forever. That is so sick." (Phil, 17:12)
• Hosts' reactions:
  • A mix of incredulity, sympathy for the grief, and queasiness at the practice.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the oddity of pet remains at home:
  • “You prop him up on the rocking chair on the front porch.” (Phil, joking about Tennessee burial traditions, 04:35)
• Describing freeze drying:
  • “It’s basically the whole Weekend at Bernie’s thing, you’re talking about.” (Birch Show Host, 06:10)
• Humorous logistics:
  • “You reach into the freezer, you’ve got to move your cocker spaniel to get to the pork chops.” (Co-host, 12:12)
• On parents preserving pets ‘for the kids’:
  • “That child’s gonna be on a psychiatrist’s couch in the future.” (Phil, 09:11)
• On the overall creepiness:
  • “My dead dog looks dead.” (Birch Show Host, 09:41)

Key Segments & Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment/Topic | Notes | |:----------:|----------------------------------------|--------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:33-04:41 | Grieving Kahuna & pet cremation | Bert’s experience and Phil’s urn closet | | 04:41-08:31 | Freeze-drying revealed & explored | Live web research, FAQ hilarity, theory-crafting | | 09:41-10:30 | Michelle’s chiminea cremation story | Listener call — neighborhood horror | | 10:38-12:45 | Pets in freezers, logistics & humor | Angie’s monkey, freezer jokes, practical nightmares | | 12:56-13:19 | Pet freeze-drying as a business | Amanda’s call; Dateline reference | | 14:05-14:28 | Moving with a vacuum-sealed corpse | Vicki’s call, macabre mobility solution | | 15:18-17:12 | Email testimonial: Perseus the Pomeranian | Emotional reading, awkward reactions |

Tone and Atmosphere

• Humorous but genuine: The banter keeps the tone light, despite the macabre subject, and reveals both the absurdity and sincerity with which people grieve their animals.
• Empathetic: Underneath the jokes, there’s acknowledgement of genuine loss and the strange lengths people will go for closure.
• Unafraid to get weird: “Do not go to the pictures page” and the reaction to website images demonstrates the cast’s willingness to get uncomfortably close to taboo.

Summary Takeaway

This episode of The Bert Show captures the odd, touching, and sometimes hilarious extremes of pet aftercare in modern America. Whether it’s traditional cremation, freeze drying, or DIY attempts, the ways we try to hold onto our pets after death are as varied as they are weird. Through laughter, empathy, and a little incredulity, the hosts explore just what we’re willing to do for the ones we love—even when the ones we love are no longer with us.

For the full experience (minus undead bulldogs and freezer surprises), listen to the original episode.