Vault: You Can Freeze Dry Your Pets?!

Summary

The Bert Show — "Vault: You Can Freeze Dry Your Pets?!"

Date: November 17, 2025
Main Host: Bert (Birch Show Host)
Co-Hosts/Guests: Phil, Melissa, Others
Call-in Listeners: Michelle, Angie, Amanda, Vicki

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Episode Overview

This episode takes on a topic straddling the lines between strange, heartfelt, and darkly comedic: what do you do with a beloved pet after they pass away? The crew discusses the traditional routes of cremation and burial, then dives deep into the bizarre world of pet freeze drying and preservation. Through personal anecdotes, listener emails, and live caller stories, the hosts explore society's attempts to keep pets close—sometimes uncomfortably so—after they're gone. The tone is characteristic of The Bert Show: funny, unfiltered, sometimes irreverent, but never mean-spirited.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Coping with Losing a Pet (01:33-04:41)

• Bert shares his family's grief over losing their dog, Kahuna, after eight years. The difficulty of adjusting to a pet’s absence is palpable.
  • “I still have the thoughts of ‘I’ve got to feed Kahuna... but there’s no Kahuna’.” (Birch Show Host, 02:10)
• How people handle the remains: Bert chose cremation for Kahuna. Phil still has ashes of his pets in the closet (03:36).
  • “You don’t tell new people in your life… ‘Oh, those urns in the closet? That’s my basset hound.’” (Phil, 03:41)
• Mobility as a factor: Phil mentions many people don’t bury pets because they move often, highlighting how urban living has changed rituals.

2. The Wild World of Pet Preservation (04:41-08:31)

• Discovery of Pet Preservation (Freeze Drying):
  • Bert reads from petpreservations.com, introducing "freeze drying" as an alternative to burial/cremation.
    • “Pet preservation, also known as freeze drying, is the comforting alternative to your pet’s burial or cremation.” (Birch Show Host, 05:39)
• Reactions oscillate between shock and humor:
  • “So you turn your dog into like dippin dots?” (Co-host, 06:00)
  • “You could do anything you wanted. One of the FAQs is literally: ‘What position will you put my pet in?’” (Birch Show Host, 07:31)
• Posing pets: You send a photo and description for your pet’s final presentation.
  • “What if you sent a picture of your Jack Russell humping someone’s leg?” (Co-host, 07:50)

3. Listeners' Pet Preservation Stories (09:41-14:00)

• DIY Cremation Gone Awry (09:45):
  • Michelle calls in about a neighbor who cremated their cat in a backyard chiminea—resulting in the whole neighborhood smelling it.
    • “She comes outside, ‘Oh, I’m sorry about the smell. The cat died… so we put him in the chiminea.’” (Caller, Michelle, 10:00)
• Pets in the Freezer (10:38):
  • Angie reports a friend’s pet monkey kept in the freezer for 15 years "waiting" to be freeze dried.
    • “They have the monkey still in the freezer.” (Caller, Angie, 10:59)
  • Bert reads how the freeze-drying company instructs owners to put pets on ice and ship them to Colorado.
• The Practicalities (11:28-12:45):
  • The team jokes about logistics: sharing a freezer with a dead pet, running out of money for preservation, and the awkwardness of significant others discovering a pet among the frozen food.
    • “One box of baking soda is not gonna do it for keeping those up.” (Melissa, 12:04)

4. The Business of Pet Freeze Drying (12:56-13:19)

• Profit in Pet Preservation:
  • Amanda calls in, referencing a Dateline segment about a man who makes a fortune freeze drying pets that are then placed in glass cases for owners.
    • “You will make money off people who have kids and people who have animals. This guy is rolling in bank.” (Birch Show Host, 13:19)

5. Even Weirder Alternatives

• Vacuum-Sealed Pets (14:05):
  • Vicki describes a woman who vacuum-sealed her deceased dog, froze it, and buried it in a cooler—digging it up to move each time she moved house.
    • “Every time they move, they dig up the cooler and bring the dog with them.” (Caller, Vicki, 14:24)
• Celebrity Taxidermy Trivia:
  • Phil brings up Roy Rogers, who famously had his horse stuffed.

6. Listener Testimonial from Pet Preservation (15:18-17:12)

• Poignant (and unsettling) email:
  • The team reads a real testimonial from a customer who freeze-dried a Pomeranian for their grieving parents.
    • "When we first opened it, it was very scary because he looked just like he was alive. My mom started to cry. My dad was silent.” (Letter read by Co-host, 16:30)
    • "Perseus the Pomeranian is theirs forever. That is so sick." (Phil, 17:12)
• Hosts' reactions:
  • A mix of incredulity, sympathy for the grief, and queasiness at the practice.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the oddity of pet remains at home:
  • “You prop him up on the rocking chair on the front porch.” (Phil, joking about Tennessee burial traditions, 04:35)
• Describing freeze drying:
  • “It’s basically the whole Weekend at Bernie’s thing, you’re talking about.” (Birch Show Host, 06:10)
• Humorous logistics:
  • “You reach into the freezer, you’ve got to move your cocker spaniel to get to the pork chops.” (Co-host, 12:12)
• On parents preserving pets ‘for the kids’:
  • “That child’s gonna be on a psychiatrist’s couch in the future.” (Phil, 09:11)
• On the overall creepiness:
  • “My dead dog looks dead.” (Birch Show Host, 09:41)

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Key Segments & Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment/Topic | Notes | |:----------:|----------------------------------------|--------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:33-04:41 | Grieving Kahuna & pet cremation | Bert’s experience and Phil’s urn closet | | 04:41-08:31 | Freeze-drying revealed & explored | Live web research, FAQ hilarity, theory-crafting | | 09:41-10:30 | Michelle’s chiminea cremation story | Listener call — neighborhood horror | | 10:38-12:45 | Pets in freezers, logistics & humor | Angie’s monkey, freezer jokes, practical nightmares | | 12:56-13:19 | Pet freeze-drying as a business | Amanda’s call; Dateline reference | | 14:05-14:28 | Moving with a vacuum-sealed corpse | Vicki’s call, macabre mobility solution | | 15:18-17:12 | Email testimonial: Perseus the Pomeranian | Emotional reading, awkward reactions |

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Tone and Atmosphere

• Humorous but genuine: The banter keeps the tone light, despite the macabre subject, and reveals both the absurdity and sincerity with which people grieve their animals.
• Empathetic: Underneath the jokes, there’s acknowledgement of genuine loss and the strange lengths people will go for closure.
• Unafraid to get weird: “Do not go to the pictures page” and the reaction to website images demonstrates the cast’s willingness to get uncomfortably close to taboo.

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Summary Takeaway

This episode of The Bert Show captures the odd, touching, and sometimes hilarious extremes of pet aftercare in modern America. Whether it’s traditional cremation, freeze drying, or DIY attempts, the ways we try to hold onto our pets after death are as varied as they are weird. Through laughter, empathy, and a little incredulity, the hosts explore just what we’re willing to do for the ones we love—even when the ones we love are no longer with us.

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For the full experience (minus undead bulldogs and freezer surprises), listen to the original episode.

Transcript

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[Birch Show Host]

The Birch show just weird around the house the last couple of days. Like when you lose a pet like we did. I mean he's been in our family now for eight years and the I didn't realize it, but I guess you just train yourself in certain situations. Like my first thought in the morning now is I wonder if Kahuna's gone out. Which. Which I guess it's always been, but I didn't realize it because I have to catch myself going, you know what? Kahuna's not around anymore, right? Because last week we they found a tumor on our dog's liver and we had to put him down last week. Awful, awful, awful Week and just walking throughout the house, expecting to see him or in my office, because he's always in my office, like at my feet, just expecting to see him there. He's not there anymore, you know, or like the thoughts of I got to feed Kahuna, it's five o', clock, are still there, but there's no Kahuna. Or I walk back in the laundry room and that's where his bowls have been for the last eight years. And then the room just doesn't look right. It's just really, really odd, you know. So it's been a struggle the last couple of days, but I did get some emails over the last couple of days that threw me back. Because you do have to make a decision when you put your dog down like that. Once the dog is gone, at least in our case. I'm not sure how it works in other veterinarian offices. They see you all tore up and they just want to get you out of the office and go start the grieving process. So I'm assuming that Stacy made all of the plans with the vet of what we were going to do with Kahuna before we got in there. Because our vet, like, I don't even remember. Maybe he did. It's just such a fog that day that I don't even remember. But, you know, after he got injected and it was all over, we're both balling and the vet's just like, why don't you go out through the side door so nobody. You don't have to see anybody. You just leave. But we made the decision, or Stacy made the decision that we're gonna have his. Him cremated so we'll have his ashes somewhere in the house. I'm totally on board on all that. I don't know where we're gonna put them or whatever. I think you did that with your dog too, right, Phil? Phil still has the ashes of his basset hound. Have you done that?

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Birch Show Host]

You have?

[Phil]

Yeah. I was the one say. Yeah. I made the joke about how my animals ashes are in the closet. And it's.

[Birch Show Host]

That's right.

[Phil]

You know, there's a certain amount of time that you don't tell new people in your life. Like, I forgot how long it took.

[Birch Show Host]

For me to tell Katie.

[Phil]

Oh, yeah, and by the way, those urns you see there, those mole pads.

[Birch Show Host]

That'S an icebreaker. That is a definite icebre.

[Melissa]

That's a defining moment in your relationship.

[Birch Show Host]

Really? For sure. There are others.

[Co-host or Guest]

How many do you have?

[Phil]

Three.

[Birch Show Host]

Three.

[Phil]

Well, it's wild. It's one of those things where when you move so much and you're not in a permanent location, like, you know, your animals are sacred to you. I mean, for a lot of people, your pets are part of your family. And like, if you are not living, like when I grew up, every time a pet would die, then we would bury them in our yard. Well, I don't have a yard. A permanent yard I'm going to live in for 20 years. So once I'm in an established place, that's where I plan.

[Co-host or Guest]

Well, that's the Tennessee thing. Grandpa dies, you bury him in the air.

[Birch Show Host]

There's no room back there.

[Phil]

You prop him up in the rocking chair on the front porch.

[Birch Show Host]

Okay, well, there is a way to do that, actually.

[Phil]

Oh, God.

[Birch Show Host]

And I got a couple of emails from Birch show listeners that have done this themselves. And Jeff, I think your computer is faster than mine. Will you go to Pet Preservations? I will read directly from the website. The loss of a loved family pet can be one of the most tragic times in your life, and I can certainly attest to that. The decision you must take following his loss can be both difficult and confusing. For some people, burial is not an option. You may be limited by local regulations and may not have a pet cemetery in your area. You may live in an apartment or community. Don't go to the pictures page yet. Did you guys already go to the pictures page? Don't go to the pictures.

[Co-host or Guest]

Pictures on the front page. And that cat won't stop staring at me.

[Birch Show Host]

Don't go to the pictures page yet.

[Co-host or Guest]

The more I move around, the more she looks at me. I can't get her to stop looking at me.

[Birch Show Host]

Still off the website. Perhaps you know that you might someday move from your home and can't bear the thought of leaving your pet behind. Maybe you feel that burial is just not the right choice for you. Some people simply do not believe in the process of cremation. And there is an alternative, says pet preservations.com Pet preservation, also known as freeze drying, is the comforting alternative to your pet's burial or cremation.

[Co-host or Guest]

So you turn your dog into like dippin dots.

[Birch Show Host]

To what?

[Co-host or Guest]

Those dippin dot things that freeze dried ice cream.

[Birch Show Host]

I've never had them, so I don't know what that is.

[Co-host or Guest]

Yeah, freeze dried, but basically it's the.

[Birch Show Host]

Whole Weekend at Bernie's thing you're talking about says, take time to consider all of your options because only you can decide what is best for you and your pet. And then they have a frequently asked questions page what is freeze drying? Freeze drying is a method of preservation that removes liquid from a frozen object by vacuum. While remaining frozen, the object is able to retain its shape. The freeze drying continues until all the moisture is evaporated. Then it asks, why would I choose freeze drying over traditional taxidermy? Taxidermy cannot meet the needs of pet preservation, but essentially they're saying it's the same thing. So, you know, like when you walk into somebody's house and they have the head of the deer that they killed, what they're saying is you can do the exact same thing with any pet. A cat, a dog, a fish, a bird, anything. So when you walk into your house, so when you walk in your house, in my case, there's my English bulldog in any position that I choose to have him freeze in. That's where he would be every single day.

[Phil]

I'm just trying to imagine, like I said earlier, how long it took me to tell Katie that I had urns in the closet of pets. What if she walked into my house?

[Melissa]

Oh, what a cute little dog.

[Phil]

Well, actually, it was my dog, but I mean, yeah, no, you can do that.

[Co-host or Guest]

So technically, you could, if you had this done, you could just set Kahuna on a skateboard and still walk them.

[Birch Show Host]

You could do that. You could do anything you wanted. One of the frequently asked questions is, what position will you put my pet in? And the answer is, we request that you send a photo of your pet. When you send them to us, you may also include any description that you think may be helpful to ensure the things are done exactly as you wish. All photos will be returned.

[Co-host or Guest]

What would happen if you sent a picture of, like, you know, the funny picture of your Jack Russell terrier humping somebody's leg?

[Melissa]

That's exactly what you would do.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Co-host or Guest]

And then when people come over, you just take the dog out and sit. Dude, what are you doing?

[Birch Show Host]

I tried to get both Birch show listeners that emailed me about this website that have done it themselves to come on with us, and they wouldn't come on.

[Co-host or Guest]

We just clicked photos by the.

[Birch Show Host]

Oh, no, look at the photo.

[Phil]

Because now there is cloning. You can clone your animal. There's services in which if you don't want to let it go, but of course it would be a different dog, even though it looked the same, but. And now this. I just feel like it's. There's, you know, death is a part of life and your pet dies. And you know that going in, they don't live as long as a human. You just gotta Let it go.

[Birch Show Host]

Look at that.

[Phil]

Would you do that with a human?

[Co-host or Guest]

Melissa, come over here.

[Melissa]

Okay. It's really get it with the bird.

[Birch Show Host]

No way.

[Melissa]

I think that the bird wouldn't be that bad.

[Birch Show Host]

Yeah. All those animals are. Look at that.

[Phil]

Which one looks like it had the same where when it died?

[Birch Show Host]

Which ones are you guys looking at? Which pictures?

[Co-host or Guest]

I don't know.

[Phil]

Looks like it's asleep and it's up. Yeah.

[Co-host or Guest]

I don't understand if this is a.

[Melissa]

Pig on the rug, like standing at attention.

[Co-host or Guest]

Who stuffs a guinea pig? Like, just go buy a new one. I think I like if one is like, if I had hamsters that died, I'm convinced my parents would just go to the pet store and swap them out.

[Phil]

The thing that bothers me is that parents who will. Melissa, look at this one saying this is for my child because the child is upset. That child's gonna be on a psychiatrist couch in the future.

[Co-host or Guest]

I like to call them and say I've got a betta fish that I really like.

[Birch Show Host]

There's one picture of a dog that's laying outside. And I guess you just walk outside and there it is on your death.

[Melissa]

Yeah, that's a dead dog. Oh my God, that is weird.

[Birch Show Host]

Hey, Michelle.

[Co-host or Guest]

And like, like if they're gonna. They take the picture of this dog, why can't they just put him all the way on the doggy bed? Like he's half fallen off, like.

[Melissa]

Like he's dead.

[Birch Show Host]

My dead dog looks dead. Hey, Michelle. Good morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller]

Good morning. It's one thing to, you know, freeze dry or stuff your pet. It's another thing to take cremation into your own hands. One of my neighbors decided to put Kitty in the chiminea one afternoon. The whole neighborhood comes outside and you know, she comes outside, oh, I'm sorry about the smell. But the cat died and while we put him in the chiminea so that way we could, you know, go ahead and cremate him.

[Birch Show Host]

Are you freaking kidding me?

[Caller]

They have two kids.

[Phil]

I mean there are and they have two kids now.

[Birch Show Host]

Did they all like, I don't know, kind of like huddle around it and they all had like a ceremony.

[Caller]

They do have a privacy fence, thank God.

[Birch Show Host]

Oh my God.

[Caller]

That's a witness the cremation. But you know.

[Birch Show Host]

Terrible.

[Caller]

God, Kitty's in a better place.

[Birch Show Host]

I don't know if that's. Well, with that family, you're probably absolutely right. Oh, hey, Angie. Good Morning. You're on Q100. Hey.

[Caller]

Hey. A girl That I used to work with her mom had one of those little pet monkeys like Ross used to have that sat on your shoulder, that little. Whatever the monkey is. And they've had it for 15 years in the outside freezer waiting to do what you're talking about. I don't know what they're waiting on. I don't know why they're going to do it, but they have the monkeys still in the freezer.

[Birch Show Host]

That's. That's absolutely accurate. Because if you go to this website, they say if you're considering this, the first thing that you need to do is put your animal on ice before you ship it out to Colorado. And you can check this out. It suggests that you Fed exit after it's been on ice. You get together with FedEx and you send it out to Colorado. You got to call FedEx up and go, I got a dead. I got a dead dog. My dog Kahuna and I need to get it out to Colorado. And FedEx, I guess, will do it for you. They'll show.

[Co-host or Guest]

Now let me ask you a question, and I won't use Kahuna as the example, but pretend we all have animals. Okay?

[Phil]

Couldn't do that to Toby.

[Co-host or Guest]

Okay, so let's say that something, you know, tragic happened to one of our animals and we have to put our animal in the freezer. Like, do you have to get rid of all the food that's in the freezer at the time? Or are you.

[Phil]

I think it's one of those freezers you put in the. In the garage. Like one of those where you hang all. You put your dog. That's awful.

[Co-host or Guest]

That's what I'm saying. Like, does it go outside? Like in the.

[Birch Show Host]

I'd imagine you keep it in the garage somewhere.

[Melissa]

One box of baking soda is not gonna do it for keeping those up.

[Co-host or Guest]

But like, like what if.

[Melissa]

Like what if you not gonna do it?

[Co-host or Guest]

Are cooking dinner and when you reach into the freezer, you've got to move your cocker spam to the side to get to the pork chops you're gonna thaw.

[Phil]

Now imagine again the scenario. Katie comes our first dinner, and she goes in the freezer and there's my dog. Uh, that relationship's not gonna last.

[Melissa]

Buh.

[Hers Healthcare Advertiser]

Bye.

[Co-host or Guest]

Or what happens if you put the dog in the freezer to save up the money to get this preservation done and you just can't earn the money and you just become used to it. And so every time you go to get.

[Melissa]

Or wait, you gotta get it out of there before Your power goes out and it starts thawing.

[Birch Show Host]

I mean, there it is in the freezer right next to all, like the chunky monkey ice cream. You gotta go right around the dog.

[Phil]

Oh, just let it. Let it go.

[Birch Show Host]

Hey, Amanda, good morning. You're on the Q100.

[Caller]

Hey, good morning, guys. The guy who actually does this was on one of those evening news shows one time, I think it was Dateline or something. And he makes so much money doing this. And the people who come to pick up their animals, a lot of times he'll put them in this glass cage and they'll take the animal home in this glass cage and literally, like, sit it on their dresser.

[Birch Show Host]

Yeah. The one thing you can always count on is you will make money off of people that have kids and people that have animals. So I'm sure this guy is rolling in bank.

[Co-host or Guest]

What if you've got the animal in your freezer, right? And you. And you try to do the right thing so you take all the food out. You're like, I can't have this. I can't have, you know, my.

[Phil]

With a big dog, I could put Toby in the freezer.

[Co-host or Guest]

I can't have Fluffy in there with, you know, my ground turkey that I'm saving for, you know, whatever. So I take all the food out, but then I'm barbecuing and I burn myself. Do I actually, you put the cat on my burn Fluffy.

[Melissa]

Simmers you down, right?

[Birch Show Host]

Hey, Vicki. Good morning. You're on Cuba.

[Co-host or Guest]

I don't have an ice pack, but I've got a Chihuahua.

[Caller]

This lady that used to work with my dad when her dog died, I guess they put it in one of those bags that you can suck the air out with a vacuum.

[Phil]

Yeah, yeah.

[Caller]

And they stuffed it in a cooler and buried it in the backyard. That way every time they move, they can dig up the cooler and take the dog with them.

[Phil]

Oh, my God.

[Birch Show Host]

A vacuum sealed bag in a cooler. Yep.

[Caller]

And they bury it. And every time they move, they dig up the cooler and bring the dog with them wherever they go.

[Melissa]

That's creepy.

[Co-host or Guest]

Hey, I found some more pictures.

[Melissa]

Oh, no.

[Phil]

Even before this freeze dried thing, I remember as a kid, my parents.

[Grainger Advertiser]

Much.

[Phil]

Older than me and Roy Rogers apparently had a horse. You know, he was famous for whatever. He had his horse stuffed.

[Co-host or Guest]

He had.

[Phil]

And then this is before the freeze drive thing. So I don't know how they did it, but like his pet horse is still.

[Co-host or Guest]

He had stuff. He had a taxidermist. It's in a museum somewhere.

[Birch Show Host]

They'll only do it now for up to pets that are 150 pounds, I guess. But I mean, imagine calling up FedEx going, hey, I've got a dog here.

[Phil]

Got 150 pounds of big dog.

[Birch Show Host]

140 pound dog that you can FedEx on out to this guy if it's on ice.

[Co-host or Guest]

So technically you could have Nicole Richie freeze dried since something happens.

[Birch Show Host]

Oh, yeah, twice over.

[Co-host or Guest]

As long as you get her into the freezer quick enough. Okay. May I read from the. From a letter.

[Phil]

Oh, no. Oh, God. This is the pet owner that's written into the company.

[Birch Show Host]

This is like a testimonial.

[Co-host or Guest]

Yep.

[Phil]

Oh, God. Okay, wait, wait. Yeah, bring the music down because this way, you know, because this is heartfelt.

[Birch Show Host]

Yeah, I can find the sad music for you. Hold on.

[Melissa]

Can you do it, like stand up?

[Birch Show Host]

There we go.

[Co-host or Guest]

I'll tell you, I'm not gonna read the whole thing, but I'll tell you. This is a story of a. Of a Pomeranian. He was very, very cute, all black and fluffy, with the biggest dark brown eyes. Everyone wanted to pet him, but he wouldn't let anybody touch him. Except for my mom and dad. Tiny as he was, he was the boss. We had a Chow Chow and two other big dogs, and they always obeyed him. But he had a lot of health problems and on March 3rd, he passed away. My parents were devastated. So I put the Pomeranian in the freezer and sent him overnight to Colorado. Four weeks later, I received him back. I called my parents and let them know that the box had arrived. They came over, picked up their little doggie. When we first opened it, it was very scary because he looked just like he was alive. My mom started to cry. My dad was silent.

[Phil]

They were in. Fears were glass.

[Birch Show Host]

They were blinded with fear.

[Co-host or Guest]

They picked up their doggy and took him home. I promised my parents I would find them somebody who would do this for them. And they disowned me. For some reason, the guy's name is deleted. I felt that he really, really did care. So much so that they were ready to turn their baby over to him. And now they have Perseus back. Thank you very much. Pet preservations.

[Phil]

Perseus. The Pomeranian is theirs forever. That is so sick.

[Hers Healthcare Advertiser]

What is it?

[Birch Show Host]

Petreservations.com yeah. And we will not be linking up from all the hits.

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[Grainger Advertiser]

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[Hers Healthcare Advertiser]

Of what you need.

[Grainger Advertiser]

Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.