The Bert Show — "Vault: You'll Never Guess How This Woman Used Hand Sanitizer"

Original Air Date: March 3, 2026
Hosts: The Bert Show Cast (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, et al.)

Episode Overview

This episode dives into a bizarre and somewhat shocking story overheard by a show member, involving a college-aged woman who tried to use hand sanitizer as a post-hookup hygienic solution. The cast dissects this jaw-dropping decision with their signature combination of humor, genuine shock, and a bit of educational commentary. Listeners are treated to laughter, disbelief, and warnings about the dangers of believing dubious health hacks.

Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Shocking Hand Sanitizer Story

• [02:12] The host introduces the "gross" story, admitting it's both uncomfortable and intriguing enough to share.

• A college-aged woman, after an unprotected hookup, experiences regret and attempts to "sanitize" herself by applying Purell hand sanitizer internally.

• She believes that because hand sanitizer "kills 99%" of germs, it could somehow neutralize potential problems after unprotected sex.

  "She thinks everything's gonna be okay because she went into the bathroom and got some immediately after the incident and got some Purell hand sanitizer... She put it in the location where she had relation. Like inside."
  — Main Host, [02:44]

• 24 hours later, the woman is experiencing significant irritation and discusses her discomfort with a friend.

2. The Cast Reacts: Shock, Disbelief, and Sarcasm

• The panel cannot believe the story, and humorously questions the woman's logic and maturity.

• They joke about the potential for product warning labels spawned by these types of "genius" mishaps:

  "Can you imagine now us getting Purell from the future? As a warning, please do not insert this into your hoo hoo."
  — Main Host, [05:58]

  "Was she actually admitted into a college? And would they ever admit that they accepted her into this school?"
  — Cast Member, [03:37]

• The group draws a parallel to excessive hand sanitizer use — which dries out the skin even with added lotion — and wonders what level of discomfort would result from such a product used internally.

  "Even if you try the ones with the lotion... there's some that have built in lotion — doesn't help a ton. So I'm guessing that what kills the germs is alcohol, which also is probably a drying agent."
  — Cast Member, [04:34]

3. Call-In Listener Response: Label Warnings Are Written for a Reason

• [05:20] Listener Heather calls in, laughing uproariously and pointing out how warning labels exist specifically for scenarios like this.

• She emphasizes that just because something kills bacteria doesn't mean it should be used everywhere.

  "You know, you read the labels on everything and it tells you... it's not gonna sanitize anything. Those things are swimming. Hello."
  — Heather, Listener [05:30]

• The entire group shares a laugh about how every shocking story has the potential to inspire a new cautionary label.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Now you've said gross and gynecologist. I know. I'm nervous."
  — Co-host, kicking off the cringe factor, [01:20]

• "Lord. Because I don't know if you, cause I mean... OW."
  — Cast Member, reacting viscerally, [03:20]

• "It felt a little hot."
  — Quoting the woman’s post-incident description, [03:10]

• "If she has some kind of irritation and it gets documented... can you imagine now us getting Purell from the future?"
  — Main Host, imagining warning labels, [05:52]

Timestamps: Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|----------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:12 | Introduction to the main story | | 02:44 | Shocking revelation: woman uses hand sanitizer internally | | 03:10 | Description of irritation/burning sensation | | 04:34 | Cast discusses sanitizer’s effects, parallels to hand dryness | | 05:20 | Listener Heather calls in, expands on label warning discussion | | 05:58 | Jokes about future warning labels for hand sanitizer |

Tone and Takeaway

The episode keeps its trademark blend of shock, humor, and genuine concern about public health misinformation. The cast's real-time reactions and banter not only entertain but serve as a subtle PSA: don’t fall for “do-it-yourself” health remedies you overhear—especially ones involving hygiene products not meant for internal use.

Summary:

• Theme: A cautionary (and comedic) tale about a misguided attempt to use hand sanitizer for post-hookup “clean-up.”
• Message: Don't use products in ways they were never meant to be used; those shocking warning labels exist for a reason.
• Listeners Walk Away With: Laughter, disbelief, and renewed faith in reading warning labels—and consulting actual medical professionals, not urban legends or impulsive "life hacks."