Summary4 min read

The Bert Show — "Vault: You'll Never Guess How This Woman Used Hand Sanitizer"

Original Air Date: March 3, 2026
Hosts: The Bert Show Cast (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, et al.)

Episode Overview

This episode dives into a bizarre and somewhat shocking story overheard by a show member, involving a college-aged woman who tried to use hand sanitizer as a post-hookup hygienic solution. The cast dissects this jaw-dropping decision with their signature combination of humor, genuine shock, and a bit of educational commentary. Listeners are treated to laughter, disbelief, and warnings about the dangers of believing dubious health hacks.

Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Shocking Hand Sanitizer Story

[02:12] The host introduces the "gross" story, admitting it's both uncomfortable and intriguing enough to share.
A college-aged woman, after an unprotected hookup, experiences regret and attempts to "sanitize" herself by applying Purell hand sanitizer internally.
She believes that because hand sanitizer "kills 99%" of germs, it could somehow neutralize potential problems after unprotected sex.

"She thinks everything's gonna be okay because she went into the bathroom and got some immediately after the incident and got some Purell hand sanitizer... She put it in the location where she had relation. Like inside."
— Main Host, [02:44]
24 hours later, the woman is experiencing significant irritation and discusses her discomfort with a friend.

2. The Cast Reacts: Shock, Disbelief, and Sarcasm

The panel cannot believe the story, and humorously questions the woman's logic and maturity.
They joke about the potential for product warning labels spawned by these types of "genius" mishaps:

"Can you imagine now us getting Purell from the future? As a warning, please do not insert this into your hoo hoo."
— Main Host, [05:58]

"Was she actually admitted into a college? And would they ever admit that they accepted her into this school?"
— Cast Member, [03:37]
The group draws a parallel to excessive hand sanitizer use — which dries out the skin even with added lotion — and wonders what level of discomfort would result from such a product used internally.

"Even if you try the ones with the lotion... there's some that have built in lotion — doesn't help a ton. So I'm guessing that what kills the germs is alcohol, which also is probably a drying agent."
— Cast Member, [04:34]

3. Call-In Listener Response: Label Warnings Are Written for a Reason

[05:20] Listener Heather calls in, laughing uproariously and pointing out how warning labels exist specifically for scenarios like this.
She emphasizes that just because something kills bacteria doesn't mean it should be used everywhere.

"You know, you read the labels on everything and it tells you... it's not gonna sanitize anything. Those things are swimming. Hello."
— Heather, Listener [05:30]
The entire group shares a laugh about how every shocking story has the potential to inspire a new cautionary label.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

"Now you've said gross and gynecologist. I know. I'm nervous."
— Co-host, kicking off the cringe factor, [01:20]
"Lord. Because I don't know if you, cause I mean... OW."
— Cast Member, reacting viscerally, [03:20]
"It felt a little hot."
— Quoting the woman’s post-incident description, [03:10]
"If she has some kind of irritation and it gets documented... can you imagine now us getting Purell from the future?"
— Main Host, imagining warning labels, [05:52]

Timestamps: Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|----------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:12 | Introduction to the main story | | 02:44 | Shocking revelation: woman uses hand sanitizer internally | | 03:10 | Description of irritation/burning sensation | | 04:34 | Cast discusses sanitizer’s effects, parallels to hand dryness | | 05:20 | Listener Heather calls in, expands on label warning discussion | | 05:58 | Jokes about future warning labels for hand sanitizer |

Tone and Takeaway

The episode keeps its trademark blend of shock, humor, and genuine concern about public health misinformation. The cast's real-time reactions and banter not only entertain but serve as a subtle PSA: don’t fall for “do-it-yourself” health remedies you overhear—especially ones involving hygiene products not meant for internal use.

Summary:

Theme: A cautionary (and comedic) tale about a misguided attempt to use hand sanitizer for post-hookup “clean-up.”
Message: Don't use products in ways they were never meant to be used; those shocking warning labels exist for a reason.
Listeners Walk Away With: Laughter, disbelief, and renewed faith in reading warning labels—and consulting actual medical professionals, not urban legends or impulsive "life hacks."

Loading summary

Transcript1 lines

[00:00]
A
Your new home is now ready. Dr. Horton, America's builder, has new homes that are ready today. With new construction communities throughout the Puget Sound and Central Washington areas And more coming, Dr. Horton has the right home for you at Dr. Horton. We're still building. With more construction, more communities and more homes available every day. Tap your screen now or visit drhorton.com to find your new home now ready. Dr. Horton, America's builder and equal Housing Opportunity builder. Hi, you're listening to Meditating with Jan from Toyota. Soften your focus and visualize yourself off roading in a Tacoma. Now engage your senses. What do you hear? A donkey? Because you're driving the kids to a farm sanctuary in a Grand Highlander. Breathe in, breathe out and go from dreaming it to driving it today. Dealer inventory may vary. See your participating Toyota dealer for details. Event ends March 31st. Toyota, let's go places. The Burt Show. So this story is gonna be gross, but I wanna tell it anyways. Okay. Thanks for the warning. I'm just warning you. Okay. And it's a conversation that I overheard and I don't. I mean, maybe, maybe a doctor. Maybe we could talk to the gynecologist from Piper's boyfriend's dad, you know, and he can confirm whether or not this would work or just. Really? Now you've said gross and gynecologist. I know. I'm nervous. I overheard a conversation between a couple of girls. One hooked up the night before and had some regret about her decision and thought she had a great solution. But she was feeling a little uncomfortable that day, which is what was being spoken about. Apparently she had gone out and had a great time and hooked up and brought a guy home and they had relations. After 8:30, they had sex relations. And they didn't use any protection for the relation. They're from Louisiana. Yes, but it's. I'm following. But she thinks everything's gonna be okay because she went into the bathroom and got some immediately after the incident and got some Purell hand sanitizer. I'm in pain. What did she do with it? No, no. She put it in the location where she had relation. Like inside. And so I had heard this conversation 24 hours later and she was experiencing some irritation. You think? You think? Yep. It felt a little hot. Okay, I'm sorry, but how old is this woman? They were definitely college age. Oh, Lord. What'd she think that was gonna solve? So she thought that any kind. It would fight bacteria or any kind. Well, it kills 99%. Was she actually admitted into a College. And would they ever admit that they accepted her into this school? Well, yeah. I mean, this sounds like a snopesy urban legend. She was talking. The conversation that I overheard was her asking her friend about the burning. Oh, no. Lord. Because I don't know if you. Cause I mean. Ow. Melissa. You could probably, but I. What? Melissa. Yeah, no, but I. Vagina expert. Why don't you go ahead and ask me? Not about that, but I'm just saying, like, when I used to work at Turner Field and there was a lot of, like, handshake and high fiving and everything, like, I would buy that stuff at Costco and after every interaction or whatever, squirt it on. Because if not, I mean, there's 50,000 people, there's a lot of skankiness, there's a lot of germs. So I would put that. But what I would notice is even like a week or two into the season, my hands would get dry and there's nothing. Even if you try the ones with the lotion, like, there's some that have built in. Lotion doesn't help a ton. So I'm guessing that what kills the germs is alcohol, which also is probably a drying agent. Yep. And she put it right there. Hey, Heather, you're on Q100. Hi. Good morning, guys. I'm driving down the road laughing hysterically at this because this is so funny. You know, you read the labels on everything and it tells you. Like douches tell you it's not gonna do anything for you. It's not gonna sanitize anything. Those things are swimming. Hello. It's funny because you look at some of those warning labels and you think, how could anybody be so stupid as to try something like that? And now you know how they're born. Oh, you know the warning labels. Yeah. And if she has some kind of irritation, and then it gets documented, or I'm sure, can you imagine now us getting Purell from the future? As a warning, please do not insert this into your Hoo hoo. Not for you, senior. Yeah. The Birch Show. Life is full of challenges, but you don't have to face them alone. At InTouch.org you'll find powerful sermons from Dr. Charles Stanley, Daily devotionals and resources designed to strengthen your faith and bring hope into your everyday life. Whether you're searching for encouragement, biblical wisdom, or practical guidance, InTouch.org is here to help you grow closer to God's promises. Discover truth that speaks to your heart. Visit intouch.org today. Hi, you're listening to meditating with Jan from Toyota. Soften your focus and visualize yourself off roading in a Tacoma. Now engage your senses. What do you hear? A donkey? Because you're driving the kids to a farm sanctuary in a great grand Highlander. Breathe in, breathe out and go from dreaming it to driving it today. Dealer inventory, Mayberry See your participating Toyota dealer for details. Event ends March 31st. Toyota let's go Places. The sun shining, birds are singing and all feels right in the world. Until the season changes and suddenly you lose your motivation to get out of bed. In fact, one in five people experience some form of depression, no matter the season or time of year. At the American Psychiatric association foundation, our vision is to build a mentally healthy nation for all because we want you to live your best life and be your best you all year round. Please visit mentallyhealthynation.org to learn more.