Vault: You'll Never Guess Why This Listener Is Mad At Us

Summary

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The Bert Show – Episode Summary

Episode Overview

Episode Title: Vault: You'll Never Guess Why This Listener Is Mad At Us
Date: March 10, 2026
Main Theme:
This episode dives into listener drama stemming from a relationship advice segment, focusing on honesty, communication, and resentments around intimacy in long-term relationships. The Bert Show crew (Brian, Melissa, Jen, and others) analyze a listener’s surprisingly heated email response, debate sex and gender dynamics, reflect on healthy relationships, and loop in calls from the audience—balancing humor with real talk about partnership expectations.

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Segment Breakdown & Key Discussion Points

1. Recap: The "Big O" Dilemma (00:16–02:19)

• The hosts revisit a previous call from a listener dating a military man for five years, who confessed she’d “never reached the big O" with him—despite always praising his skills.
• Multiple women called in to admit to the same pattern: faking enjoyment rather than communicating dissatisfaction.
• The group jokes about Jen’s enthusiasm with the topic, with Brian noting, "Jen achieved more excitement there than our listener has in five years." (01:05, Brian)
• Discussion Insight: The hosts agree that ongoing dishonesty eventually makes the responsibility for bad sex fall on the person faking it.
  • “Now the problem is yours. Because he might have been bad in the beginning. You should have told him that.” (01:33, Brian)
  • Melissa and Jen echo the sentiment that communication is essential to break the cycle.
• The show’s prior advice: blame “getting older” or “changing preferences” as a gentle way to steer a partner toward better intimacy techniques.

2. A Listener's Outrage: The Triggered Email (02:19–05:02)

• Brian shares a lengthy, provocative email from a male listener who feels unfairly blamed as a man in these discussions.
  • The email asserts, “Ladies, you want to improve the sex in your life? Take a look in the mirror. You may be the problem.” (03:03, Listener Email via Brian)
  • He advises women to stop complaining, be more grateful, cater to their men’s needs at home, and “give him that one special thing”—going so far as to suggest women indulge any sexual request.
  • The email’s main formula: don't whine—cook, cater sexually, repeat.
  • “Repeat one, two, and three a couple of times a week. That’s all you need to do to radically improve your life and his.” (04:35, Listener Email via Brian)
• The hosts react with a mix of incredulity, laughter, and critique.
• Jen quips, “Someone’s not happy in their relationship. I would like to talk to him and get to the root of this.” (05:02, Jen)

3. Audience Engagement: Agree or Disagree? (05:07–07:13)

• A caller, Lynn, joins to partially support the email’s call for mutual care, emphasizing communication:
  • “If your man is not doing what he’s supposed to do, talk to him. … The best thing in a relationship is communication.” (05:19, Lynn)
  • She supports leaving a relationship that can't be fixed, but pushes the idea that both partners should take care of each other.
• Melissa distinguishes between the spirit of Lynn’s healthy communication and the email’s one-sided expectations: “That’s not what this email is saying.” (07:10, Melissa)
• Jen questions whether “taking care” goes beyond finances and chores: “Because you can buy a house and pay the bills and still not take care of your wife.” (07:13, Jen)

4. The "Love Languages" Solution and Real-Life Stories (08:04–11:59)

• A second caller, also named Lynn, references The Five Love Languages book, explaining how understanding partners' different "languages" helped her marriage:
  • She describes her husband as "visual," needing costumes/novelty for excitement, whereas her own style is more emotional.
  • “I realized that his love language is visual. … I come walking down in a little outfit. I don’t care if he’s watching the Super Bowl. Done. We’re upstairs.” (09:10, Lynn)
• Jen breaks down each of the five love languages: Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Words of Encouragement, and Giving Gifts.
  • She stresses that issues often stem from mismatches: “You’re feeling unloved because they’re not giving you your own love language back.” (10:15, Jen)
  • Jen points out this is relevant not just in romance: “Even your friends, you can figure out what their languages are."
• Melissa sums up the key to navigating these differences: “You learn to understand what they’re doing rather than expecting them to do what you do.” (11:30, Melissa)
• The hosts shift back to critiquing the angry emailer, concluding that mutual adaptation—not just one side’s sacrifice—is necessary.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On faking pleasure:
  “If you’ve been faking it all these years, if he’s still giving you the same thing now as he was back then, it’s your fault.” (01:33, Brian)

• On traditional gender roles:
  “This is in the 1950s. You know, women aren’t waiting at home.” (06:07, Lynn)

• On communication:
  “There are things that I don’t like, and there’s things that I do like, and now we’re in a healthy, happy marriage.” (06:01, Lynn)

• On mismatched love languages:
  “If your partner isn’t the same way they’re expressing it to you, right, but you’re maybe not a physical touch person, and they never do anything around the house…you’re feeling unloved because they’re not giving you your own love language back.” (10:15, Jen)

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Timestamped Highlights

• 00:16–02:19: Recap of the “Big O” listener story and how faking impacts relationships
• 02:19–05:02: Reading and reacting to the angry listener email urging women to “look in the mirror”
• 05:07–07:13: Lynn’s first call in favor of mutual care and honest talk
• 08:04–09:57: Second Lynn’s story—how “The Five Love Languages” reframed her marriage
• 10:06–11:59: Jen’s primer on the love languages and discussion on adapting to each other’s needs

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Tone & Conclusion

The tone ranges from playful banter to pointed critique, blending humor with genuine advice. The episode pokes fun at stereotypes while emphasizing real solutions: drop the blame game, open up about desires, and understand both yourself and your partner. Both hosts and callers reinforce that communication—not just cater-to-your-man routines—is the real foundation for satisfaction, in and out of the bedroom.

Transcript

[Brex Announcer]

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[Brian]

So yesterday, do you remember we had Burchell listener on dating this guy for like 5 years, but only had relations with him like 10 times.

[Melissa]

Right.

[Jen]

He was in the military and they didn't live in the same town together, but they've been seeing each other for five years over this extended period time. But only saw each other, what, maybe twice a year, something like that. And each time they would get together and be intimate together. She would tell him, oh, baby, you are the best. Oh, my God, it is so awesome. You, like, totally make me crazy, you know? And then she called us and confessed that she has never reached the big O with him. But she's been telling him all this time how hot he is and how much he turns her on and how she's just like over the top for him. Oh, Jen's getting into this.

[Brian]

She is. Man, I don't remember. She just Woke up. It's 9:48.

[Unidentified Male Host]

Yeah, I don't remember her saying all that. But that's cool.

[Brian]

They found a topic Jen's passionate about.

[Melissa]

Jen achieved more excitement there than our listener has in five years.

[Jen]

Awesome.

[Brian]

So other women were calling in saying

[Unidentified Male Host]

they had the same problem beyond sex.

[Jen]

It's not my fault, Brian. We talked to Brian first.

[Brian]

Okay, okay. That's a cat of the movie.

[Unidentified Male Host]

But we all told him he was good, didn't we? Didn't we all say, like, hey, good job, Brian.

[Brian]

Way to get it done, Melissa. Another lie today for me, that's like fuzz.

[Melissa]

Yes, I know.

[Brian]

So other women were calling in yesterday saying, yeah, same problem with my man. I've been faking it. And then I got as a sidebar, if you've been faking it, it's your problem. Now the problem is yours. Because he might have been bad in the beginning. You should have told him that or somehow figured it out. If you've been faking it all these years, if he's still giving you the same thing now as he was back then, it's your fault.

[Melissa]

Yeah, I agree. There's responsibility you want. If you're not being honest with your partner, then it's your fault.

[Brian]

Right.

[Jen]

And our advice yesterday was to say that she was getting older and her body was changing, so her preferences were changing to get him to, you know, coach him along the way.

[Brian]

How many guys in Atlanta heard that yesterday? I wish there was some kind of count.

[Unidentified Male Host]

All of them. A lot of them.

[Jen]

Honey. I'm a little older these days.

[Melissa]

My body's changing. Body's changing.

[Brian]

You just had your 23rd birthday two weeks ago.

[Unidentified Male Host]

I'm a different person,

[Brex Announcer]

So.

[Brian]

And we have said on the show before that at least some of the women in this room would estimate about 2 in 10 guys are really good in bed. And statistics say that most women think about half guys are good in bed, about 50%. So this dude was listening yesterday, and he shoots off an email to us. And I don't know what trigger we hit with him yesterday. I don't know if he just got out of a relationship. I don't know if he's not feeling appreciated, but prepare to take off.

[Melissa]

Oh, no.

[Brian]

Dear Burt show. I'm so sick of women complaining about their men saying they don't do this well enough or that well enough and they don't make love the right way. Ladies, you want to improve the sex in your life? Take a look in the mirror.

[Unidentified Male Host]

Oh, boy.

[Brian]

You may be the problem. That man you're criticizing for not being good in bed or spending enough quality time with you is out working hard and putting a roof over your head, not to mention food on the table. So when he comes home, I dare women to try this. Number one, when he comes home and asks you how your day was, take a deep breath and for once, don't start complaining and tell him about the terrible day you had and then bitch about this and that. Tell him your day was great. Tell him you appreciate everything he does for you. Tell him to sit down and watch what he wants on television and say that you don't want him to move. You'll get him and anything he needs. We are so tired of coming home from a hard day of work and listening to you complain. How about being in a good mood for a change?

[Melissa]

All women are sitting at home waiting for you to come home from work.

[Brian]

Number two, either cook or call out for whatever his favorite meal is. Number three, most importantly, tell him you want to go to bed early. You have something special planned. Every guy has their absolute favorite thing to do in bed. And just for once, don't make him beg for it. Don't complain. Give him that one special thing, whatever it is. Like there is no tomorrow. If he wants. I want to. I have to edit myself here. Hold on.

[Melissa]

Oh, okay.

[Brian]

I just wanted. I just wanted to make sure that he really was saying what he's saying here, if he wants you to do it in the backyard or to dress up like a naughty schoolgirl or whatever, do it. Number four, repeat one, two, and three a couple of times a week. That's all you need to do to radically improve your life and his. You won't need a marriage counselor. Your husband will give you everything you want. Just try it for a week or two and prepare to be amazed someone's

[Jen]

not happy in their relationship. I would like to talk to him and get to the root of this. It's his. It's.

[Melissa]

Well, I think. Yeah. So hold on.

[Brian]

Please stop. Because Megan agrees.

[Melissa]

Oh, okay.

[Brian]

Good morning. You are thankfully part of the Burt Show, Melissa's favorite collar of the day. You agree with what this guy said?

[Lynn]

Yeah, well, I'm married, and I take care of my husband, and he takes care of me. And if you're not happy in your relationship, then get out of it. I'm one of those people, though, that don't like to hear you bitch about your problems when you can clearly fix them. If your man is not doing what he's supposed to do, talk to him there. I mean, the best thing in a relationship is communication. So if he's not doing something that you don't like, then talk to him, tell him what he's not doing, and then that way you can. You guys can fix it together. I mean, I've had that talk with my husband when we were dating. There are things that I don't like, and there's things that I do like, and now we're in a healthy, happy marriage.

[Melissa]

I mean, I agree with communication, absolutely. But that's not what his email said.

[Brian]

Right.

[Melissa]

You know,

[Lynn]

okay. And I. I know what I forget. You said that he. This is in the 1950s. You know, women aren't waiting at home. But I don't think he's saying that women should be waiting at home. I think it's just the fact that, you know, when you get home or when I get home, you know, don't. Don't complain. And, you know, my husband doesn't want to hear me complain all time, so, you know, it's just things that you should do, what he's saying you should do. And I agree with him. I disagree.

[Melissa]

Well, okay. All right.

[Lynn]

I mean, I think you should take care of your husband, and if you don't like it, then, you know, get out of the relationship or take care of your man or your wife or, you know, whatever relationship you're in.

[Melissa]

Well, the 1950s comment was a joke. Because his email did sound like, when I get home from my hard day at work, don't approach me. Like with Jen, I don't think I know a woman that's sitting at home waiting when their husband or partners come home. But, I mean. But everything she's saying, I mean, I don't see anything wrong with what she's saying, because she's saying, mutually conversation, mutually taken care of, mutually making efforts.

[Brian]

That's not what this email is saying.

[Melissa]

But that's not what his email saying.

[Jen]

Well, he does say at the end of it, if you do all of this, then your husband will take care of you. I'd like him to expand upon what those things are rather than just paying the bills, because you can buy a house and pay the bills and still not take care of your wife.

[Unidentified Male Host]

This is the dude. What was that guy's name that was on with us? What was that guy?

[Melissa]

Remember?

[Jen]

The guy who wrote the book?

[Unidentified Male Host]

He wrote a book. This is what he was saying verbatim. This is exactly his.

[Melissa]

But the problem we had with the listener was that he didn't know how to make her achieve the big O, you know? So isn't that what this all stemmed from? So his email, I mean, I get

[Brian]

what started with him complaining about women complaining about their men in bed. Okay.

[Melissa]

What started that whole conversation was a woman who said, you know what? He does not know what to do in order to make me reach that. That point.

[Jen]

And we blamed her for not communicating.

[Brian]

Right. That was her fault. Hey, Lynn, you're part of the Burke Show. Hi.

[Lynn]

Hey. How are y'?

[Brian]

All? Good. Yourself?

[Lynn]

Hey. Well, I was just gonna call and comment that I see both sides of the situation, because in my relationship, it's been about three years. And I don't know if y' all have read that book. It's called the Love Languages.

[Jen]

Yep.

[Lynn]

Yeah. Everybody has a different love language. And for the first two years of our relationship, even though we were happy in the bedroom, it was just bored. It was just boring, you know? It wasn't like it was bad. It was just the same thing all the time.

[Jen]

And I.

[Lynn]

And I was like, what is wrong with me? What's wrong with me? Why aren't you into me? Why aren't you doing anything different? I would try the kissing. I would try everything in the world. And it wasn't until finally we bought that dang book.

[Jen]

And he read it.

[Lynn]

Yeah, I read all of it. People have different love languages. I realized that his love language, quote unquote, is visual. He's all about visual stimulation, where I am more about emotional stimulation. So when I realized that I have to dress up or if I want his attention to do something out of the norm for him, it's visual. So I come walking down in a little outfit. I don't care if he's watching the Super Bowl. Done. We're upstairs.

[Brian]

Jen, you seem to have a little experience with this book. Do you endorse it?

[Jen]

I think it's a great book. If you both read it.

[Melissa]

Yeah, I think that. I mean, it's funny and everything, but the problem is in a lot of relationships, and I see where a lot of women are hesitant is because sometimes it is such. Your ego is so exposed when it comes to this conversation. You know, if you're not happy or he's not happy, because it's not just men being bad. Women could be bad too. Is that when you approach that conversation, you both have to be open to the conversation or you have the same fight over and over again. Because if everybody thinks I'm doing right and I'm doing right, then you're not going to get that. I don't know. You're not going to be able to achieve what you want to achieve if you're not both open to realizing, let's stop what we've been doing and start over again.

[Brian]

It is difficult to get out of that. Someone has to win and somebody has to lose mentality sometimes, you know, it's like we're all working on the same cause here and neither one of us are going anywhere. So we got to figure this out.

[Jen]

Well, and like what she was saying about the five love languages. It is really good to learn what. And I talk to my girlfriends about this all the time. It is really good to learn, like, what your partner's languages are like.

[Brian]

Are there guys that are. Other than the visual thing, what else can.

[Jen]

Well, I'm not sure where she was coming up with the visual part. Maybe it's what they learned from reading that book. But there's five different languages. It's quality time, acts of service, physical touch, words of encouragement or encouraging words. And giving gifts. And not necessarily big, lavish, expensive gifts, but when you give something to someone else, whether that is you make them, you know, you buy them their favorite breakfast or something like that. Giving gifts is the fifth one. And so usually they say in the book that people have, like a majority of two things that they like to do to express it. So that's also how you receive it. But if your partner isn't the same way they're expressing it to you in physical touch. Right. But you're maybe not a physical touch person. You're an acts of service person. And they never do anything around the house. And so you're feeling unloved because they're not giving you your own love language back. So it's kind of, I don't know. And if you start to pay attention to that, you can learn what your partner's languages are. Or, you know, I mean, even your friends, like you can, you can figure out what their languages are. If it's somebody that's always getting you a little card or a little gift or this or that or whatever, that's one of their languages. So in some ways you have to reciprocate in that. In their way so that they read it in their way so you make sense.

[Melissa]

You learn to understand what they're doing rather than expecting them to do what you do.

[Jen]

And if it's like your wife is complaining because she doesn't see you enough and we don't get any time together, we never get a chance to hang out, you're always working, blah, blah, blah. Well, her love language might be quality time.

[Melissa]

Time.

[Jen]

Like it doesn't matter what you do together. She just wants one on one time with you.

[Brian]

This guy would agree that her love language has to adjust to his love language. That's what the email sounds like.

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Brian]

She can't have her own in the back.

[Jen]

But it is really, it is a really great. It is a really great.

[Brian]

When I read that, I'm like, does he really mean like the backyard or figuratively? He wants it in the backyard. The birch show.