Vault:Melissa's Drunk Philosophy

Summary

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The Bert Show: “Vault: Melissa’s Drunk Philosophy”

Release Date: August 6, 2026
Host/Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and the Bert Show Team
Summary Prepared By: Expert Podcast Summarizer

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show delves into the hilarious and irreverent world of “drunk philosophy,” with a special focus on a memorable theory proposed by Melissa’s friend, Katie Jo, after a night of partying. The team explores whether there’s any truth to the drunken hypothesis that “the hairier the man, the more well-endowed he is,” inviting listeners and co-hosts to weigh in with their personal anecdotes and related theories. The segment is fueled by laughter, playful teasing, and the classic Bert Show blend of authenticity and banter.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Origin of the Drunk Philosophy (01:00–02:27)

• Elizabeth sets the stage by recounting a fun, alcohol-fueled birthday party where her friend Katie Jo, after a few drinks, passionately shared her unique “drunk wisdom.”
• Katie Jo's Theory: The hairier a man (on his head and body), the better endowed he is.
  • “If the body is processing that much hair and has that much testosterone and hormones... she’s got to produce it elsewhere.” – Elizabeth, (02:28)
• The theory is grounded (at least in the moment) in “hormones and outward growth,” drawing a parallel between men’s body hair and women growing hair/nails during pregnancy.
• The idea is repeatedly debated throughout the night and even carried over between party venues.

2. Sober Reflections & Guilt (02:44–03:57)

• The group recollects how confident Katie Jo became as her inebriation deepened:
  • “She became much more firm on this the more she drank.” – Male Caller, (03:13)
• The next day, Katie Jo feels embarrassed and anxious, worried she may have offended the bald man in the conversation:
  • “She says, ‘Oh my God. Did he walk away offended at me by what I said?’” – Elizabeth, (03:57)

3. Listener Feedback & Debunking the Myth (04:23–06:02)

• Multiple listeners call in to offer their counter-experiences, with most disagreeing with the theory:
  • Caller: “My husband didn’t start growing hair… until he was 23, and he’s pretty well endowed.” (04:25)
  • Another Caller: “The two hairiest guys in my years of dating...were hung like hangnails. Nothing there.” (05:30)
• The cast acknowledges the variability and lack of scientific support for the theory.

4. Related Theories: Height, Hand Size & Humor (05:05–07:10)

• The group humorously extends the debate to other common “size predictors”:
  • Height: "Height is directly related to penis size?" – Jeff (05:00)
  • Callers and hosts debunk this, agreeing there’s no consistent correlation.
• Hand size and humor are thrown in:
  • "The funnier a guy is, the bigger he is. And also the wordier he is..." – Male Caller, (07:12)
  • Elizabeth adds, laughing, "Well, I got the wordier part." (07:26)

5. Closing Thoughts & Comic Moments (07:27–07:52)

• The crew wraps up with jokes about industry choice and wordiness, keeping the mood light and irreverent.
• “Then he's got like the eiffel freaking tower in his pants.” – Male Caller, (07:30)
• Elizabeth and Melissa burst out laughing, while Jeff deadpans about being in the wrong industry.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "If the body is processing that much hair and has that much testosterone and hormones...she’s got to produce it elsewhere.”
  – Elizabeth, sharing Katie Jo’s logic (02:28)

• "She became much more firm on this the more she drank."
  – Male Caller, on drunk philosophy confidence (03:13)

• "Did he walk away offended at me by what I said?"
  – Katie Jo (through Elizabeth), post-party embarrassment (03:57)

• "The two hairiest guys in my years of dating...were hung like hangnails. Nothing there."
  – Listener caller, debunking the myth (05:30)

• "The funnier a guy is, the bigger he is. And also the wordier he is..."
  – Male Caller, continuing the playful theorizing (07:12)

• "Then he’s got like the eiffel freaking tower in his pants."
  – Male Caller, in a final comic riff (07:30)

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Highlighted Timestamps

• 01:00 – Episode kicks into topic: introduction to drunk philosophy
• 02:28 – The main theory is explained
• 03:57 – Katie Jo’s next-day anxiety about embarrassing herself
• 04:25 – 05:30 – Listener call-ins debunking the theory
• 05:05, 07:12 – Exploration and debunking of related “size indicators”
• 07:30 – Comic closing moments and show wrap-up

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Tone & Style

The episode stays light-hearted and cheeky throughout, embracing playful speculation and self-deprecating humor. Listeners are treated as active participants, as the show hosts candidly share both laugh-out-loud and cringe-worthy moments, all with the intention of keeping the audience entertained and included in the “vault” of Bert Show memories.

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Transcript

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[Elizabeth]

The Birch show so I am fascinated by drunk philosophy. Okay. And especially my girlfriend's drunk philosophy. Because I that's the example I have for you right now. And I want to know if translated into sober life and sober world, if it's actually true. And yes. Okay. So every now and again, you know, I let myself go and I let myself go Saturday night to Stacey's 40th birthday party.

[Radio Host]

Oh, did you?

[Jeff]

Oh, she did.

[Elizabeth]

Yes, I did.

[Caller/Female Listener]

Oh, yeah.

[Bretzky]

You miss it?

[Jeff]

Jeffrey, Melissa.

[Melissa]

Jeff.

[Jeff]

Jeff, Melissa.

[Elizabeth]

Yes, every so often, not often, but every so often I do. And that was. So anyway, so Katie was with me that night and we were, we had dinner with Jen and her boyfriend beforehand and then at the party we hung out with Bert. And so and it came up in

[Jeff]

both conversations, I, by the way, was very reserved. I decided to do just the opposite.

[Male Caller]

Right.

[Elizabeth]

Well, by the way, Katie had a full on long conversation debate about this with Bert that he can't remember. So I'm also so kind of refreshing his memory.

[Jeff]

I remember like I remember the tone, but I do not remember the exact philosophy.

[Male Caller]

And it's a really funny theory.

[Elizabeth]

And the beauty of it is the fact that I don't know where it's come from and she doesn't know where it's come from. It's just something that she just decided that is something that she, at least when she's drunk, she believes. So it was the fact that the hairier a man, meaning on his head and on his body, the hairier a man, the more in doubt he is

[Jeff]

based on what principle?

[Elizabeth]

Like a hormonal thing, I think if I could remember. Exactly. Jeff. If the body is processing that much hair and has that much testosterone and hormones to promote, to produce all that, then she's got to produce it elsewhere.

[Male Caller]

She called it outward growth.

[Melissa]

Did she?

[Male Caller]

Yes, she said, you know, to produce that much outward growth. And then she made the comparison to when women are pregnant.

[Elizabeth]

You know, I didn't hear this part.

[Male Caller]

Their hair grows more, their nails grow more. You know, they're, like, full of, like, you know, vitality and all of this other stuff. So she. That was her. That was her theory.

[Sherwin Williams Announcer]

Right.

[Jeff]

So it is based on some intelligence and some science.

[Elizabeth]

Well, everything. Yes. Everything she does is something that she has really thought through. I mean, because her brain is working all the time now.

[Male Caller]

She became much more firm on this the more she drank.

[Elizabeth]

Absolutely. Because she is.

[Male Caller]

So this is a prolonged conversation.

[Elizabeth]

Oh, this was two venues.

[Male Caller]

And then it was also again at the party.

[Jeff]

It's almost like she was confirmation, right?

[Elizabeth]

Yes.

[Jeff]

So I got to ask the question. If you're a woman and you're listening and you've been with either dudes that are either hairy or don't have a lot of hair, does Katie Jo's theory hold true?

[Elizabeth]

Right.

[Jeff]

404-741-Q100. Now, I wasn't gonna argue either way because I'm a hairy guy. So if I say no, then I'm arguing against my own cause.

[Male Caller]

And then I think she was also spouting out for theory in front of a guy who was bald.

[Elizabeth]

Yeah. And she felt. And that was the.

[Jeff]

That's right. Now I remember. That was right behind us.

[Elizabeth]

And that was the sober guilt she felt the next day. It was one of those things where you're at a party, and the next day you're kind of trying to remember exactly what happened. And then in the middle of the afternoon, Sunday, she says, oh, my God. Oh, my God. And had her hands over her face and says, did he walk away? Offended at me by what I said.

[Jeff]

I forgot that he was part of that conversation. Hey, Elizabeth.

[Melissa]

Good morning.

[Jeff]

You're on the birth show. Hi.

[Caller/Female Listener]

Hey. Good morning. I definitely think that's just a theory. My husband didn't start growing hair, even on his face until he was, like, 23, and he's pretty well endowed.

[Jeff]

Okay, all right. Doesn't hold true there. Thank you.

[Male Caller]

I think there are other more contributing factors than hair. What do you think is another.

[Jeff]

Here comes another. Here we go.

[Caller/Female Listener]

Theories.

[Male Caller]

Yeah, Well, I don't want to get fired.

[Jeff]

Why you think like.

[Elizabeth]

Oh, God, why You gotta say it now?

[Jeff]

Yeah, now you've got to. Like, you think height is directly related to penis size?

[Male Caller]

I didn't say it, you did.

[Jeff]

That's not gonna bother me.

[Male Caller]

Wait, height.

[Jeff]

Height is directly related to penis size? She says.

[Elizabeth]

No, it's not.

[Sherwin Williams Announcer]

Really?

[Male Caller]

Yeah, no, there's been some tall guys that are.

[Jeff]

And my guess is there are some pretty short guys that are woo woo. I'm not saying there are any in this room. I'm saying I think it takes all, you know, it's all types. Good morning, Kirsten. You're on The Bird Show. Q100.

[Elizabeth]

Jeff is always quiet.

[Caller/Female Listener]

How are you guys doing?

[Male Caller]

I'm an average height, average hairy guy.

[Melissa]

And I know

[Caller/Female Listener]

I can argue to the contrary because the two hairiest guys in my years of dating like so much hair it comes out the back of their shirt. On their back were hung like hangnails. I mean, nothing there.

[Jeff]

That's too bad.

[Sherwin Williams Announcer]

That's awful. I feel bad for her.

[Elizabeth]

And again, now consider the source because this is a woman that dates women. So that's why, you know, we're testing the theory now because even when it's like when she was saying it, I just kept my mouth shut. Like, I don't know where this is coming from, but okay, she's going, going with it and she's being, she's being assertive about that.

[Jeff]

See, now you've got. I, almost sober, would like to ask her more questions now because does the hair on top of your head, does that, does that fall under body hair also? Like arm hair and chest hair and leg hair?

[Sherwin Williams Announcer]

I don't even think so.

[Jeff]

Two totally different things.

[Elizabeth]

I don't even think she would know today. I don't. I think, I think that was a purely Saturday night thing.

[Male Caller]

I mean, somebody she saw there struck her as peculiarly smooth or very hairy

[Elizabeth]

and she thought, well, there was a pool there. So maybe she thought, wait a second. And all white clothes.

[Male Caller]

Look at, look at that fella right there. He is not hung.

[Jeff]

Layla wants in on this. Layla. According to Melissa's girlfriend, hairier men are more well endowed.

[Caller/Female Listener]

No, I disagree 100% because I've been with some hairy men and they've been really, really small.

[Elizabeth]

Okay, is there any correlation that you found in anything like. Jen was talking about height?

[Caller/Female Listener]

I don't think so because I knew one guy, he was pretty short, but he was a big old guy.

[Elizabeth]

You called him tripod.

[Jeff]

Now, hand size is another one. I mean, does that translate? Also There are all sorts of theories on that.

[Male Caller]

I don't know. I don't think so.

On that one, I've heard, generally, I've hear that two things. The funnier a guy is, the bigger he is. And also the wordier he is, the more things he says and that, you know, if he draws stuff out and really stretches things.

[Elizabeth]

Well, I got the wordier part.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

And you are in the wrong industry, my friend.

[Male Caller]

That means he's big. He uses a lot of words like really keeps on going long after the window is closed. Then he's got like the eiffel freaking tower in his pants.

[Melissa]

Hola.

[Jeff]

All right, coming up here in a

[Radio Host]

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[Elizabeth]

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[Melissa]

the bird show.

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