The BOB & TOM Show - December 29, 2025

Summary

The BOB & TOM Show – December 29, 2025 Episode Summary

Episode Overview

This episode of The BOB & TOM Show features the usual cast of Tom Griswold, Chick McGee, Christy Lee, Josh Arnold, and guests including comedian Brent Terhune and Ally Breen. The show blends signature irreverent and quick-witted banter with music, oddball news, listener mail, and running comedic bits. Key segments include a playful investigation of the theremin, debates on stress-relieving music, wedding gift trends, bizarre objects stuck in orifices, and tongue-in-cheek discussions about personal hygiene. Musical interludes and recurring gags thread through, creating a chaotic but energetic morning show atmosphere.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Theremins, Capes & “Good Vibrations” (00:00–13:00)

• The show opens with goofy musical comedy (“Do the Vadge”) and segues into the crew goofing off with a theremin, attempting to mimic the Beach Boys' “Good Vibrations.”
• Chick McGee and Josh Arnold comically try and fail to reproduce theremin sounds, with Tom providing exaggerated production direction.

Notable Quotes:

• “I believe they prefer to be called tromboners, not trombonist.” – Tom (05:59)
• “I’m the only fat guy I know with thigh gap.” – Josh Arnold (07:13)

Highlights:

• Josh’s outfit draws jokes about shorts and high-collared capes.
• Multiple running gags about musicians’ names and using the theremin as a comedic prop.

Timestamps:

• Theremin talk and musical stumbles: 05:11–12:12

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2. Stress, Sleep Playlists, and Music Debates (14:23–29:34)

• Chick introduces a “science-backed” list of relaxing songs, which Tom immediately derides.
• They play and ridicule Marconi Union’s “Weightless,” Enya’s “Watermark,” and debate whether music can really lower stress.
• Tom complains the music makes him angry rather than relaxed.

Notable Quotes:

• “I already hate it.” – Tom (18:52, 19:07, repeated as a running joke)
• “Is this supposed to make people drive off the road because they fell asleep?” – Tom (19:19)

Highlights:

• Chick tries to explain the science behind the playlist, but Tom continues to heckle.
• Irony abounds as soothing music instead becomes a catalyst for mockery and bit creation.

Timestamps:

• Relaxing music debate begins: 14:23
• “I already hate it” running gag: 18:52; 19:07; throughout this segment

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3. Listener Letters: Hoodies, Hood Humor, and Wedding Gifts (33:24–41:46)

• Playful brainstorming about a hypothetical Josh Arnold hoodie line with “It’s raining minestrone” jokes.
• Discourses on modern wedding gift etiquette—tap and pay, registry alternatives.
• Tom and Chick riff on “good china” versus dinnerware from more practical modern retailers.

Notable Quotes:

• “It’s raining minestrone” – running joke, various (33:26+)
• “I love gravy. It’s your cat.” – Tom, on hypothetical merch (40:00)

Timestamps:

• Hoodie and minestrone jokes: 33:24
• Wedding gifts and gravy boat banter: 35:41

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4. News of the Weird: Sex on a Plane, Orifices, and Lawn Robots (42:25–70:53)

• Christy Lee covers a British couple’s “tap and pay” wedding and another about a couple arrested for sexual acts on a JetBlue flight.
• Banter follows about narrow definitions of mile-high club and airplane privacy.
• Segment spins off to robotic lawn mowers, with the group riffing on technical logistics and insurance hypotheticals.

Notable Quotes:

• “Save that for the back.” – Chick, on adult in-flight behavior (43:34)
• “Robo Mo must mow!” – Tom (68:59)

Highlights:

• Flowing effortlessly from airline scandals to pragmatic (and impractical) takes on home automation.

Timestamps:

• Plane sex and wedding tech: 42:25–44:32
• Robo-mow and home gadgets: 67:29–70:53

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5. Sexy Time with Ally Breen (58:54–67:09)

• Relationship advice segment with comedian Ally Breen.
• Letters include complaints about impractical birthday gifts (a Roomba), and a tale of drunken bedwetting.
• Panel debates the romantic merits of practical versus sentimental gifts.

Notable Quotes:

• “Frisbee the Roomba into the streets and tell him to get lost.” – Josh (61:46)
• “If you have to yell at someone to get you something romantic, that takes the romance out of it, doesn't it?” – Tom (63:51)

Timestamps:

• Roomba-gate and gift debates: 60:00–67:00

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6. Stuff Stuck in Orifices: Medical Object Madness (100:22–114:09)

• Christy reads off real ER filings of bizarre objects found stuck in various parts of the human body.
• Group plays “guess the object/orifice” with ascending horror and hilarity.
• Items range from the expected (action figures, sex toys) to the bewildering (vegetable peeler, ice cream cone, billiard ball, cell phone charger cord).

Notable Quotes:

• “What number rectum?” – Tom, on the billiard ball entry (107:07)
• “Is she using it as a junk drawer?” – Tom, on a woman with a screw and a coin in her vagina (112:04)

Timestamps:

• “Stuck in orifices” list: 100:22–114:09

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7. Music and Cultural Bits: Bread, Jerry Reed, and Tongue Talk (139:43–153:11)

• Mailbag includes nostalgia about band Bread and musicians Jerry Reed and Tim Wilson.
• Tom and Chick mock “Baby I’m-a Want You” as one of the most insipid love songs; Tim Wilson’s Jerry Reed tribute is played.
• Brief sidebar on handshake etiquette and tongue sizes morphs into a full-on “whose-tongue-is-bigger” contest among cast.

Notable Quotes:

• “Nothing has ever sucked harder than that song.” – Tom, on “Baby I’m-a Want You” (153:12)

Timestamps:

• Bread and Jerry Reed: 139:43–153:12
• “Tongue talk” and handshake bit: 87:08–95:29

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8. Hygiene, Hair Spritz, and Permafrost (130:47–138:43)

• Tom’s bad hair spray experience sparks a freewheeling exchange about male grooming, ball powders, and the indignities of middle-aged personal care products.
• Christy is handed the opportunity to discuss perfume placement, Tom suggests “frigid” and “permafrost” as perfume names.

Notable Quotes:

• “It goes on like a lotion, leaves as a powder. Fresh Balls.” – Tom (133:15)
• “You lotion up your nips? Do you have fresh nips?” – Tom (136:34)

Timestamps:

• Hair spray and grooming: 130:47–138:43

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9. Guest Highlights: Brett Terhune and Corn Sweat (157:02–168:09)

• Comedian Brett Terhune joins, triggering riffs about cheese bras for Packers fans, parental mortality, and pet ownership.
• The concept of “corn sweat” as an agricultural weather phenomenon is met with derision and becomes musical parody fodder.

Notable Quotes:

• “Sheila got the corn sweats.” – Tom (166:36)
• “I feel like I invited my friend over in the middle of my parents’ divorce, right?” – Brent Terhune (168:09)

Timestamps:

• Corn sweat and crowd banter: 162:38–168:09

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Memorable Moments & Recurring Gags

• The recurring “I already hate it” reaction to ambient, new-age music.
• The ongoing “gravy boat,” “gravy yacht,” and “syrup schooner” fantasy merch line surrounding Josh Arnold’s eating habits.
• Running gag about tongue sizes among the hosts.
• Bizarre “things stuck in orifices” revelations, each one topping the last for shock value and humor.
• Over-the-top, deadpan objections to modern takes on wedding gifts and music.

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Episode Highlights by Timestamp

| Timestamp | Segment | | -------------- | --------------------------------------------------------------- | | 05:11–12:12 | Theremin demonstration & mocking attempts at "Good Vibrations" | | 14:23–29:34 | Stress reduction playlist, Enya, “I already hate it” gag | | 33:24–41:46 | Listener mail: hoodies, minestrone joke, weddings & gravy boat | | 42:25–44:32 | Sex on a plane, tap&pay wedding, etiquette debates | | 60:00–67:00 | Sexy Time with Ally Breen; Roomba & practical gifts | | 100:22–114:09 | Outrageous “things stuck in orifices” medical ER roundup | | 139:43–153:12 | Bread, Jerry Reed music, mocking “Baby I’m-a Want You” | | 130:47–138:43 | Hair spray disaster, male grooming, “Fresh Balls” debate | | 162:38–168:09 | Corn sweat, meat sweats, Brett Terhune, Midwest heat |

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Final Notes

The December 29, 2025 episode is quintessential BOB & TOM: a mix of old-school morning show energy, raunchy running gags, slice-of-life observations, and a rotating blend of musical parody, cultural takes, and “just one more thing” riffing. For those new or returning, it’s a master class in how lively banter and absurdist humor can keep a four-hour show in motion—even when the subject is as odd as cheese bras, gravy yachts, or “corn sweat.”

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Recommended Listening:

• For musical shenanigans, start around [05:11], [14:23], and [139:43].
• For the most outrageous and hilarious ER anecdotes, don’t miss [100:22–114:09].
• For anyone who loves listener mail, merch jokes, or simply wants to catch up with the show’s tone and rhythm, start at [33:24] and jump around.

Transcript

[Tom Griswold]

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[Chick McGee]

And then he goes right back.

[Tom Griswold]

No one can take a joke anymore. Okay. Really? Is that what that was? In the 50s, a trombone player named Paul Tanner did a kind of a remake remodel on the theremin. And that's what is being used in the Beach Boys classic Good Vibrations. And you'll recognize this wonderful song. And also the theremins. It's the part going, ooh, here you go.

[Chick McGee]

But that's not really a theremin.

[Tom Griswold]

It's a variation on the theremin. And it was actually played by Paul Tanner, trombonist. And it's. They call it the electro theremin.

[Chick McGee]

Is that maybe what we have here?

[Tom Griswold]

I believe they prefer to be called tromboners. Tromboners, not trombonist. So we're going for the cheap Dick joke. Dick Tanner. Have you ever listened to the show before?

[Chick McGee]

Yeah, I was gonna say, I don't know.

[Tom Griswold]

By the way, Paul Tanner's brother, Paul Tanner's brother, Dick Tanner. And by the way, a Dick Tanner is also a product. That's right. How embarrassing is it? You have that nice all over tan and then. Whoa. What's going on, polar bear? Hi, I'm Dick Tanner.

[Chick McGee]

We just let him play the. There.

[Tom Griswold]

No, we're out of time.

[Chick McGee]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Griswold]

Josh has. Let's. Let's get Josh up there. Josh. Josh is wearing kind of a snidely whiplash outfit. Are we on Facebook live right now? Now, Josh, I. I. You are. You're a man with these. Is it okay if I call them spindly legs? Yes. Yeah, No, I am. I am a weird, somewhat muscular. You're. You don't match from, like, the thighs down. No, I'm half fat. I'm fat up. Not suggesting you're fat. You look like you could be a football player from the thighs up, but from the thighs down, you.

[Chick McGee]

Your ankles are feminine.

[Tom Griswold]

Soccer player.

[Chick McGee]

Your ankles are very feminine.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. I'm the only fat guy I know with thigh gap. It's weird. It's. You really are. Your legs. Yeah, yeah. And I'm lanky. I'm fat and lanky, which is a weird. But the reason I bring it up is you're wearing this. Needs a cup. A drool cup over there. You're wearing this huge cape with a high collar and a big top hat, but you're wearing shorts. Yeah, that takes away a little bit of the. Well, had I known, I would have maybe worn. Okay, long pants. But that's all right. I don't see Jack the Ripper walking up to a victim going, do you like my khaki cargo. Cargo pants? Shorts? Well, I think Bundy looked just like this, didn't he? Would you help me with this love seat? Into the van. Okay. Now try putting your hand near the thermos.

[Chick McGee]

All right.

[Tom Griswold]

Well, of course.

[Chick McGee]

Is it on?

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, yeah. There you go. Oh, it's on. That's nice. Now, Josh, you don't have to. You're not in a fencing match. Leave him alone. Don't. I think he has his own. Yeah, sure. He has his left arm. This is how Tom. But I think you need to get a little flourish. Absolutely. This is. Where were I. In front of a live audience in Carnegie hall, which will happen one day with this. Yeah, I will, because I will be a theremin professional. You. I come out sort of solemnly and, you know. And then the left arm comes up, and the crowd hushes with anticipation. And then. Give him the light. And then massive applause. Now. Great. Josh Arnold, try playing the lick from that we just heard from Good Vibrations.

[Chick McGee]

Never.

[Tom Griswold]

Okay. I'm just trying to think. It goes. Yeah, that's. Yeah, that's that's the exact opposite. Very difficult.

[Chick McGee]

It is hard.

[Tom Griswold]

Let's try it with the track. Put some headphones on for a second. Maybe you can hear. You can do it with the track. Can you hear it? Okay, here we go. This is. This is the. You know, we're trying to have fun here, and you're sounding a little disgusted. Can you just put some headphones on, please? Good Lord. This is like me producing a little bit. Blind Lemon. Hey, that's really nice. Okay, ready? I'm do that again. Okay. Yeah. Can you have a little more gain on the. On the theremin, please? Okay, here we go. I don't know how they do it. Sounds like Carl Wilson has bowel problems when you play it that way. I think you did find the note. See? Did you hear that? Very difficult. Did you hear what he said? Find the note.

[Chick McGee]

He's never played.

[Tom Griswold]

He's playing a theremin. He's never played it before. He's wearing a cape and a top. Well, you know how you get to Carnegie. You know how you get to Carnegie hall with a thereman?

[Chick McGee]

How?

[Tom Griswold]

The Uber. Would you like to give the third. Actually, I would love to.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Give it a shot. And then maybe bring the slide whistle up here as well. We can do a duet of so. Oh, my God. I am so excited right now. Do you have the slide whistle? Do I have the sl. I'm certainly looking forward to this.

[Chick McGee]

Maybe your.

[Tom Griswold]

The Josh Arnold on the. And Chick McGee is getting his slide whistle. All right. He's getting all ready. I'm getting ready over here, too. Chick is playing it with his butt. Okay, you're gonna. Okay, okay.

[Chick McGee]

You're playing the theremin. You don't know.

[Tom Griswold]

Can you hear that? Are those headphones on? How do you stop that? Well, no, you're just stepping. You can't step in the field.

[Chick McGee]

You can't step in the field of the theremin.

[Tom Griswold]

Out of my field of theremin. Can't you do the. Can't you play. Can't you play your slide whistle at your desk? You wanted me to get up over here for the video. You're the one who said that's before I thought that your body was going to be shooting off the theremin. Chick, what about this classic gag, okay? That's somewhat visual. No one saw it.

[Chick McGee]

We're on Facebook live now.

[Tom Griswold]

Chick is air humping the theremin. Yeah, he's playing it with his wiener. Could we not do that, please? Please do not disrespect my theremin. And I'll See you at the book burning. Are you guys ready? Yeah. All right, I'm back over here. Are we doing it to Good Vibrations? Ready?

[Chick McGee]

That sounds terrible.

[Tom Griswold]

You see how brilliant Brian Wilson was? We are a little pitchy there, dog, I guess. Yeah, try doing spooky stuff on the theremin. Well, he's got that down. Yeah, see that sounds very sci fi. Okay, you don't have to move your left hand. I disagree. I think it's all. I think a lot of it's in the presentation. Uh huh. Okay. Well now. Okay, so pretend that you're in a scary movie and they're walk, walk. That'll do it. Nothing's more scary than slimes.

[Chick McGee]

Well, the scary part is Vibs is in our Facebook live video.

[Tom Griswold]

Can you imagine? Well, I've had a long time living abroad. The only thing I want to do is get back to the United States of America and listen to Bob and Tom, you know. All right. Just give me a sense of being at home again. Okay. All right. Try. Try playing. Try playing along with this track. Ready? What do you got? Oh, wait. Can't even. Oh. Welcome to the best of the Bob and Tom show here on a Monday morning. This is Christopher in the Bob and Tom studios. Coming up today, comedian Brett Terhune, Duke Tomato and the band in the parking lot and Tom's Bullhorn. Plus Ally Breen is coming up too. Next though, some relaxing songs. Tom hates it. Come on. Right back here on the Bob and Tom show. It's the best of the Bob and Tom show here on a Monday. This is Christopher in the Bob and Tom studios. The gang is back a week from today, Monday, January 5th. Here's some relaxing songs for you. And Tom hates it. Excuse me.

[Chick McGee]

For the after party. I found this song.

[Tom Griswold]

Yes.

[Chick McGee]

We'll probably play it again tomorrow. But we all have stress. We all need to manage our stress. Right?

[Tom Griswold]

What you're talking about? Maybe if you'd shut up.

[Chick McGee]

When things get difficult at work, school or in your personal life, you can use many tips, tricks and techniques to calm your nerves. There is a science backed playlist of 1010 songs found to be the most relaxing on earth.

[Tom Griswold]

Is it Seal? Better not be Seal. I would imagine Enya was on there.

[Chick McGee]

Do you want to do the top 10 numbers?

[Tom Griswold]

These are supposed to be.

[Chick McGee]

These are songs. Don't drive while listening.

[Tom Griswold]

Hang on a second. I'm sorry, what did you say? Enya eats it.

[Chick McGee]

Enya's.

[Tom Griswold]

I love it. Seriously?

[Chick McGee]

She's on here.

[Tom Griswold]

She. I knew it. Are you kidding me?

[Chick McGee]

No, I'm not.

[Tom Griswold]

You know, I think I might have something. Sleeping with her would be awkward. How so?

[Chick McGee]

Because of the hat.

[Tom Griswold]

Would you get in you? Am I. Am I in you or out? This sounds. You know, I have a song. Uma, meet Oprah. And.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

I have a song on my ipod that is in Spanish and I love it and I don't know any of the word what it means. That's okay. Sure. You know, can. No, I can't. But I. I have someone that can. There's a Pearl Jam song that I don't. I have zero idea what the lyrics are and I never want to know because I have a story in my head. Yellow Leadbetter. Oh, yeah. That's a good one. Yeah. Is this it? What's this song? What is. What are you playing here? Yeah, as soon as I plug it in here. Hang on. Oh, we're going to suffer through your iPad. No, it's my ipod. A. And it's not suffering. It's a good song.

[Chick McGee]

The song that's number one according to Dr. David Lewis Hodgson is so effective, many women became drowsy. And he advises against women.

[Tom Griswold]

It right here. Why? What's wrong with him? That's. See, that takes out my stress. I figure if people were that awful that many years ago, maybe we're not so bad anymore. We are getting better. Maybe our culture is a little better. Is this the number one?

[Chick McGee]

No, this is chick.

[Tom Griswold]

This is my song. That's all in Spanish. Tom's going to translate it for me. No, I could get it done for you. What band is this? I don't know. So far, I think they mean. It's called Certamente by Madura Blue Necessity. Oh, this is sexy. I'm picturing Sofia Vergara sort of walking to me slowly.

[Chick McGee]

Isn't this a Spanish remake of a song that we already know?

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, it sounds like Dido.

[Chick McGee]

Sounds like D. Yeah, exactly.

[Tom Griswold]

Well, that's not Daito. That's Tom's Diner.

[Chick McGee]

But is that what I'm thinking of? Tom's Diner?

[Tom Griswold]

I have Tom's Diner.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah, that's what it sounds like. Sounds like the Spanish version of that.

[Tom Griswold]

I was sitting at the couch.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah, that's exactly.

[Tom Griswold]

This is supposed to induce sleep. Dash.

[Chick McGee]

65% of the people who listen to this have their stress levels.

[Tom Griswold]

Okay. Because my thing is these are songs that made people go to sleep.

[Chick McGee]

What's that?

[Tom Griswold]

Well, that's hurtful. I don't know why. Actually, wouldn't that be the song that would re. Wake people up? It was of course. This one. Charlie Cows.

[Chick McGee]

In this age of constant bombardment. I'm sorry, Science is. See, it's the same song.

[Tom Griswold]

Maybe that's not quite the same song, but you think it's time. That's.

[Chick McGee]

It's Spanish for tough play, not play.

[Tom Griswold]

The one you like. There are differences. This is Suzanne Vega. That's right.

[Chick McGee]

Not many differences. It's very.

[Tom Griswold]

But there are some. Suzanne Vega.

[Chick McGee]

When it comes to. Can I just play this fraking song?

[Tom Griswold]

Doesn't Suzanne Vega have an aluminum block? The Vega. That's not. Someone loved that joke out there. Someone really? Some car guy just went, that's funny joke. Which one's this? Yeah, see, this is way less upbeat. What is this? Enya?

[Chick McGee]

No, this is the number one song to lower your stress and anxiety.

[Tom Griswold]

Okay.

[Chick McGee]

I like it by Marconi Union.

[Tom Griswold]

I already hate it.

[Chick McGee]

It's called Weightless.

[Tom Griswold]

Can we get that isolated? That was the most sincere. I already hate it. He's ever sad in his life.

[Chick McGee]

It's supposed to make you stress free.

[Tom Griswold]

This would work for me. When does the song part start? No, it's. No, it's just tonally pleasing. Yes. Is this supposed to make. Is this supposed to make people drive off the road because they fell asleep?

[Chick McGee]

Yes. You're not supposed to listen to it while you're driving. He says that.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, I swear it's working. Is there another note coming? Are we just gonna have this one for a while? Come on. Somebody change the cord, for God's sake. Come on. There's more notes out there. Shut up. How about a half step? Just go for it. Oh, seriously? They're still playing the same note. Come on, you loser. Jesus. Just. Tom, just close your eyes and sit there for a second and just let the hate well up. Focus on your breathing. Realize what a wonderful and relaxed. There's something. Yeah. Realize what a wonderful and relaxing day you had ahead. Have ahead of you. Well, I'm just getting a massage. Yes, There you go. I can listen to this. How about a quick over the waistband handy? Christine, dive in there. All right. Now you're on probation. Is that massage? Is that what that's for? Massage music? It sounds like it, yeah.

[Chick McGee]

Be one of the most anxiety lowering songs out there.

[Tom Griswold]

No, I started getting angry because nothing was happening. What was it called? Marconi Brothers and Marconi Union.

[Chick McGee]

Marconi Union.

[Tom Griswold]

Sounds like. Sounds like the writer went on strike about four seconds in. Well, here's your note. I'm done now.

[Chick McGee]

The group that created Marconi Union did so in collaboration with sound therapists. Its carefully Arranged harmonies, rhythms and bass lines help slow a listener. There was a baseline, reduce blood pressure and lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

[Tom Griswold]

Okay.

[Chick McGee]

Yes. So there you go.

[Tom Griswold]

What's the Enya song that's on that list?

[Chick McGee]

Anya song is Watermark. Strawberry Swing by Coldplay's on there. Anything by Coldplay puts me to sleep, but that's just me.

[Tom Griswold]

What's Enya's album called?

[Chick McGee]

No, the song Watermark, Someone like you by Adele is number eight. Mozart made makes the list.

[Tom Griswold]

Well, that's nice. He's good. Yeah, he's good. He's all right.

[Chick McGee]

I like Mozart.

[Tom Griswold]

What song relaxes you, Christy? Have you. Is there one?

[Chick McGee]

I listen to a lot of classic music, classical music.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, okay.

[Chick McGee]

When I leave here, I'm listening to classical music.

[Tom Griswold]

Is that right? When I leave here, I'm in a soundproof booth for three hours trying to forget whoever.

[Chick McGee]

Turn your radio off.

[Tom Griswold]

About a half bottle of vodka later, I wake up two hours from this. So we're five hours in.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Then I feed the dogs and go to bed.

[Chick McGee]

I like classical music a lot.

[Tom Griswold]

I'm stalled.

[Chick McGee]

I'm trying to find. I don't know much about it, but I enjoy it.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, keep talking.

[Chick McGee]

What do you listen to? To relax you and.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, yeah. Maybe some iron and wine.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? No, no, no. You can't be on the show anymore. Why? Iron and wine. I really like them. Or them. Or, you know. What is this one? It's Chambers Brothers, so fine. Oh, yeah, I do remember this. It's me on the Astro bottle. This is me on the goatee on the M.

[Chick McGee]

By the way, Tom, There's a free 10 hour version of Weightless.

[Tom Griswold]

10 hour?

[Chick McGee]

I'm dead serious. If you want a longer listening experience.

[Tom Griswold]

No, I want a shorter listing. So you get that one chord for 10 hours. We don't know. We didn't listen to.

[Chick McGee]

We didn't listen to the whole song. I'm sure it changes up and I fudge.

[Tom Griswold]

Metal Machine music by Lou Reed was pretentious and awful, but this is a new level of wow. Really? I thought the Allman Brothers might have made it a little much when they did two sides on Live at the Fillmore of Marie Kennedy.

[Chick McGee]

I owe you big time.

[Tom Griswold]

10 hours. Well, we'll have to catch up with this tomorrow. I've got to find the Dinos because we have our Suzanne Vega tribute from the Dinos. That's very rare, very seldom heard. Be sure to tune in tomorrow morning warning for that. You talk About a classic Latinos classical music. She also did. My name is Luca. Right?

[Chick McGee]

Right.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah.

[Chick McGee]

Yes.

[Tom Griswold]

Confucius say, man who insert chopstick and penis not need Viagra. Fair enough. Yeah, sure. It'll act as a still. Actually, if you were listening earlier, that was one of our news stories. Is that what you do? Yeah. Some poor guys. The chopstick in the thing in the Twitter and they told me that it's a fetish called sounding. Oh, well, that would mean the guy that inserted the chopstick in his male member, that's actually a sexual thing. Albert Fish, the psycho. Finger on my nose was a sounder. Really? Yeah. What does that involve? Just something vibration. When they did an X ray of him, they found hundreds of needles in his bladder that he inserted via. Everyone's thinking of a joke that has the phrase needle.

[Chick McGee]

I know, exactly.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah.

[Chick McGee]

Wow.

[Tom Griswold]

Unpleasant.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah. Okay, on that note. Well, on that note.

[Tom Griswold]

Is this the 10 hour song?

[Chick McGee]

This is part of the 10 hour song. I only have a minute.

[Tom Griswold]

Sounds like 10cc I'm not in Love.

[Chick McGee]

It does a little bit.

[Tom Griswold]

Big Boys don't cry. See that, that and then that song. At least a melody kicked in about 20 seconds in. This just does this for 10 hours.

[Chick McGee]

Give it. Give it a minute. Might lower your blood pressure.

[Tom Griswold]

Is this so you can go hibernate? What is this supposed to do?

[Chick McGee]

You're supposed to. It is supposed to help you relax.

[Tom Griswold]

No, it's getting me angry.

[Chick McGee]

Release stress.

[Tom Griswold]

No, it's doing the exact opposite. Perhaps we're starting to do some good work here as far as things that make you relax obviously make you very angry. I'm. This is very effective, Tom. No, I'm getting angry going. These guys got paid for doing this. Yeah, I don't. I don't care for this at all. Do we have any other thing? Any other song on the list? Do you have another one?

[Chick McGee]

We'll do a mortar for this tomorrow. How's that sound?

[Tom Griswold]

Very exciting. Can we. I already hate it. I already hate it. What are those? Are you throwing that in? So now it's getting interesting. Some kind of cool space. This sounds like some sort of Wang Chung extended cut. I already hate it. Yeah, but I already hate it. Big boys. Does anything ever happen here?

[Chick McGee]

We only have 10 seconds left.

[Tom Griswold]

Speaking of Wang Chung, does it just keep doing this for 10 hours?

[Chick McGee]

Yep. I don't know. I haven't heard the full 10 hour version.

[Tom Griswold]

I feel bad for the engineer that had to sit there. Hey, listen, I wasn't here at hour six, minute 24. I had to Go drop a deuce. Hope you guys kept the chord going. I missed it. I'm not gonna listen to it again. Hey, how are we going to play stuff off my ipod when the headphone jack goes away? We're not.

[Chick McGee]

We're not. And we're not gonna lose our headphones. Don't worry about it.

[Tom Griswold]

This is. This is Wang. But you see how things start happening? There are actually changes, not just that same chord. You know what that other guy, that one guy in Wang Chung's doing? Ah, Wang or Chung Chunk. He's just standing there. Wang was there. Wang's everything. No, no, no, you're wrong. Chung just kind of steals. Chung is royalty. He's now Chung K. He's not gonna even turn down the crappy. The crappy song. Is this, like. Is this new? Wang Ch. I want to try an intro. For what? Play that song again, Chris. Oh, I already hate it. I already hate it. So you're DJing. You come up and you go, all right. I already hate it. Are you ready to nap? I already hate it. Yeah. Where my nap people at? My nap is there. Close your eyes. Nap. Maybe if some rapping over this. I already hate it.

[Chick McGee]

You're supposed to be relaxing. Raps, not relaxing.

[Tom Griswold]

I already hate it.

[Chick McGee]

If I buy you a massage today, would you go?

[Tom Griswold]

I don't have time. Ask the question in a different way. What if she gives you a massage?

[Chick McGee]

Would you love it?

[Tom Griswold]

Very, very busy here. I'll ask. Hey, how does this feel? And then I. I already hated. How's the. How's the start of this massage feel so far? I already hated it. That's Andy. What about. We just started the massage. What about. I already hated it. What? So then you're not going to come back for another massage? Let me know when should we stop? Our one's over. Yeah, I'd like to tell you a story about this hockey game I went. So anyway, I don't know if you caught this, but Redskins beat the Vikings. Yesterday was a great football game. Did you. Would you like to hear how the Redskins won that? I already hate it. Hey, let me know how. How's this creamer taste in this coffee? I already hate it. I think we've got a new hit on our hands by the Albino Panther. I already hate it. Who? The Albino Panther. Nice. I already hate it. Albino Panther.

[Chick McGee]

Everybody, this afterparty show is really starting to hit it.

[Tom Griswold]

You can't not sing when that's on you. You have great. My favorite Wang Chong Wing Chun song. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go, baby. Let's go, baby. Come on, everybody do the job. Do you have one? That's your only dance move? The hand up. And the disappointing. I'm sitting in a chair. What else am I supposed to do? That's almost worth the VIP price? Hey, Tom, what do you think of that dance move? I already hate it. I already hate it. Yeah, because I said that over the music. Albino panther here. What I'm gonna do is. That is so real and raw. Yes. So glad we captured it. Have it now forever. I already hate it. Coming up in just a few minutes. Josh's hoodie and a minestrone joke. Haven't heard those in a while. Here on the Bob and Tom Show. Bob and Tom. I'm waking up at 2pm My eyes are barely open and my head is kind of pounding from the drinking and the smoking and my whole apartment reeks. I haven't showered in three weeks? Things are looking kinda bleak? Cause I'm alone again? I used to have a girlfriend? Til I asked her for some money And I spent it all on drinking which she didn't think was funny? Then I entertained her sister in a game of Naked Twister And I think that pissed her off? Cause I'm alone again? I'm alone again and I'm miserable as hell? I'm alone again and I hope you are as well? Making love all by myself? It's wrong. I'm hanging with my buddies? Hitting all our favorite places And I try to talk to women but the pattern never changes? First it's boring conversation, then an awkward situation, Then it ends with masturbation. I'm alone again? I'm watching Law and Order while I wallow in self pity? And I'm listening to music that I used to think it was crappy? That the theme song for Titanic or the Wind Beneath my wings? Suddenly it speaks to me? Cause I'm alone again? I'm alone again? And it's all because of you? I'm alone again? And I don't know what to do? Making love all by myself? It's wrong?

[Chick McGee]

Yeah?

[Tom Griswold]

Alone again? Guys, I feel like where I'm from Everybody's sleeping their way to the top And I'm just there masturbating my way to the bottom? I drank a fifth of vodka? Then I hung out in the sewer? And the bars and turby drinks are getting far between and fewer take another shot of Jack? Thinking how to get you back? Does anybody have some crack? Cause I'm Alone again. I'm alone again and I'm miserable as hell. I'm alone again and I hope you are as well. Making love all by myself. It's wrong. I don't know what that Last quarter. Henry Phillips. It's the best of the Bob and Tom show here on a Monday morning. This is Christopher in the Bob and Tom studios. I guess one day Josh was wearing a hoodie. Let's get the lowdown on that. And a minestrone joke. Yeah, say that fast 10 times. We were thinking of doing a Josh Arnold hoodie. Yeah, what's that gonna be? I don't know. What would it be? What would you. What would you like in a hoodie?

[Chick McGee]

Zips all the way up over your mouth.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, is that what you would like? That's fine. I can sit here quietly. We have a big fish on it. It's got minestrone soup on. On the front it says it's raining men. And on the back it says. Yeah, I'd buy that. Of course. Honoring my terrific joke. Yeah, the it's raining minestrone joke. It's raining men. Estrone soup. Maybe if you added the word soup after. As opposed to what? Minestrone. You guys do it. You guys do it. You guys do it. I'll go ahead. I'll fix it. Go ahead. Oh, jeez. I'll fix it. It's raining min astrone. No, no. Everybody knows minestrone's soup. No, they don't. Yeah, they do. If they don't. Hence an idiot. You mean ergo, an idiot. What I was trying to say was these. I really love these sweatshirts. It's got this sort of cool old fashioned microphone on it. I know, it's a shame they're sold out. And it says Bob and Tom. Well, the hats are sold out. Check them out.

[Chick McGee]

Hats aren't sold out either.

[Tom Griswold]

Might be a nice gift for a friend. By the way, I'm working on my Christmas gift for you guys. I think I've come up with it. All right. I look forward to it. Give us cash to throw away that thing every year. Last year I gave you. I gave you specialized decks of cards with your picture on them. I did pretty well on ebay with those. Yeah, but this would make a nice gift for somebody for the holidays. Okay, good. You know, it smells pretty good in here. You know why? Why? Why? Because it's raining men in deodorant. It's raining men and deodorant. What do you think? Any better by Menon? I don't care. Men and deodorant. Oh, that's confusing. It's better than minestrone.

[Chick McGee]

No?

[Tom Griswold]

How about just as bad? How about this one? The chicks are bitching. Menopause. The chicks are bitching. It's raining bitching. What is it?

[Chick McGee]

It's. Can't wait till you get home tonight.

[Tom Griswold]

It's too late. Christy's a tad men a puzzle. She's a tad man way postman.

[Chick McGee]

I'm. Oh, I'm in a happy spot.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, happy spot.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Well, since you're in a happy spot, you're also in the cylinic insurance news spot. Could we get some news out of you? Yeah.

[Chick McGee]

A couple in Britain has had a tap and pay wedding reception, foregoing gifts and Instead asking their 140 guests for honeymoon money to go directly to their bank.

[Tom Griswold]

All for it.

[Chick McGee]

Me too. 35 year old Christopher Martin and 33 year old Tasha White got married in their hometown of Buckinghamshire.

[Tom Griswold]

Of what? What? Of what?

[Chick McGee]

What hometown of Buckinghamshire?

[Tom Griswold]

I didn't hear that.

[Chick McGee]

That's because you guys have dirty minds.

[Tom Griswold]

Is that right?

[Chick McGee]

Honeymooning in Mexico. Rather than ask for traditional gifts, the couple hoped their 140 guests would help pay for their trip by tapping to pay at the couple's reception. They had a display complete with a QR code that read don't be tight, pay for our flight. Funny, Mr. Martin told the Daily Mail that their guests. I definitely loved it.

[Tom Griswold]

I bet Tasha isn't all that tight. All right. Oh no. I thought it was kind of tacky how they had a tip screen on so you could add a tip to your.

[Chick McGee]

As you can imagine, Jeff, people got more generous though as the drink started.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. Oh, that's a great idea.

[Chick McGee]

Kept it up there.

[Tom Griswold]

Save me the chore, I'll happily do.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah, I'm not. He said, I'm not going to reveal how much the total came to, but they were very generous. Some even tapped more than once.

[Tom Griswold]

Okay. That's an interesting idea.

[Chick McGee]

Well, if you go online now, most couples have an online wedding registry and they usually have as one of the gift options. Honeymoon. Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Now the. We were talking earlier about the so called good china. Is that still a thing with younger couples? Are they still doing.

[Chick McGee]

I don't know that they pick out china necessarily, but I know the wedding I went to this summer, she did have dinnerware on her. Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

I don't know. It's so wonderful.

[Chick McGee]

I don't think you would call it good china. No. Usually like Creighton Barrel or Pottery Barn. Good quality stuff. But yeah, not I mean, china pattern.

[Tom Griswold]

They have a nice honeymoon. I got you a gravy boat. I don't know.

[Chick McGee]

I love a gravy boat. I need a new gravy boat. I was just thinking about.

[Tom Griswold]

Josh has a gravy yacht. Oh. You see, in my house, I would have more. More gravy than the average person being a fat man. Being a fat man. Yeah, Yeah. I have the.

[Chick McGee]

My God.

[Tom Griswold]

This is my gravy destroyer, the SS Anjou. I have tiny, tiny butter planes that can launch off the crew. Oh, yeah, yeah. I've got a full through there. I can't breathe. And after every meal, I hang a little banner that says, mission accomplished. Take my picture in front of it. Oh, give us some more. Come on. Nobody's fatter than me. Nobody's fatter than me. All I do, I eat and jerk it.

[Chick McGee]

Jerk it and eat.

[Tom Griswold]

Make them panties off and put the salami on at the bread. Stick. Me with a. Of course I. I have the gravy boat in a hutch right next to the syrup schooner. And.

[Chick McGee]

You don't have to take this from him.

[Tom Griswold]

No, no. This is my lot in life. I've chosen it. No, I'm sorry.

[Chick McGee]

I'm not sorry.

[Tom Griswold]

That's the thing, the name. Just the name of the. The name gravy boat has always made me laugh. It is funny. I mean, were the original ones shaped like boats? Is that the idea? Yeah, I guess so. The most embarrassing. You guys want to know a true embarrassing boat fatness thing was I was at a sushi restaurant and I ordered. It was just me and I ordered a ton of sushi and they brought it out on the Giant. I've always wanted the boat.

[Chick McGee]

Usually I wanted the boat too, but usually two or three people.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, exactly. Usually it's at least two people.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah. Our family of four has the boat.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. For a family of four, did they bring you a captain's hat? Wait a minute. That's. That would. We could do that as your merch item. A gravy boat. Captain's hat.

[Chick McGee]

What?

[Tom Griswold]

I love gravy. It's your cat. Yeah, it is my cat. Just have the word gravy across it. I wonder, would people buy those?

[Chick McGee]

Yes.

[Tom Griswold]

The Josh Arnold captain's hat. Oh, boy. You don't look like you're very enthusiastic. No. Here's the problem. You keep the money. I know they would sell. And I. My love of money and my love of self are heavy.

[Chick McGee]

They're at a battle right now, aren't they?

[Tom Griswold]

Your self esteem.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Your dignity has your therapist ever called you right after the show and say, listen, I cleared my afternoon, you know, I happen to hear that gravy boat segment. Does she listen? I don't think so. No. No. Is that permitted? I've told her if she ever wants to, she can. Yeah, yeah. So I have given her so called permission to. Are you upset? If. But I've also let her know, hey, look. And I have. Have you ever gone up to her and said, look, I did this joke, it didn't work and asked her to evaluate it? I have not done that. No. No. I have talked about my act in a way of. Ever slipped into one of your bits? Nope. No, because I don't, I don't want to be that guy. It's not, not my bits. Aren't my life necessarily. That guy does exist. Yeah. Oh, dude. I was, I was following a particularly well known comedian one time. We were doing some stuff and everyone he'd meet, he would do the same shtick for the first three minutes. Yeah. Oh, oh, yeah. You know, I'm talking. Okay, let's, let's move forward here. So once again, I want to get around the horn here with regard to this. You think it's cool for a wedding to have a cash machine or whatever?

[Chick McGee]

It's called a QR code.

[Tom Griswold]

QR code, sure, absolutely. Yeah. Can you get married in a courthouse and register for wedding gifts?

[Chick McGee]

Yes, absolutely. Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Pat, you can just register for wedding gifts without even getting married. You can just go on target, set up.

[Chick McGee]

We could do the Pat needs housewarming. Housewarming registry.

[Tom Griswold]

Sure. You know, what do you mean?

[Chick McGee]

You just move two buildings down? Did you lose some stuff?

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, I assume, I assume I'd be your best. Best man. Of course.

[Chick McGee]

Are you getting married?

[Tom Griswold]

No, I didn't say I was getting married. Congratulations.

[Chick McGee]

Dude, that's getting married.

[Tom Griswold]

This is exciting. Do I have to run a texture? Just wear my new blue. Anything you want. You can do the, the, the baseball cap and the shorts again like you did last time. Okay, very good. Well, let's continue.

[Chick McGee]

Marriage. A couple arrested for allegedly committing sex acts on an airplane.

[Tom Griswold]

By the way, this, I've heavily edited this. This is really gross.

[Chick McGee]

According to a probable cause statement, the 43 year old woman and her 42 year old husband were on a JetBlue flight from New York City to Sarasota, Florida.

[Tom Griswold]

Did he get jet blown when they.

[Chick McGee]

Engaged in what authorities term a lewd and lascivious exhibition? Witnesses say they saw the woman pleasure her male companion with her hands before switching to Oral activity.

[Tom Griswold]

Well, sure. You'll lead into it. Yeah, there are kids watching. Oh, they were in a seat. Tell those perverts to turn their head.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah, they shouldn't have been. They should have paid attention to their iPads. While the couple was arrested once the plane landed in Sarasota, prosecutors declined to pursue felony charges. Brian Zepp, a JetBlue flight attendant, told police that several youths and their mother had witnessed the couple performing in sexual activity on board the flight.

[Tom Griswold]

Okay, kids, it's FaceTime. On an airplane going to. It sounds like he got the FaceTime. Yeah. Come on. That's just. Of course it's unacceptable.

[Chick McGee]

Save that for the back.

[Tom Griswold]

No matter how rad was involved.

[Chick McGee]

Well, if the back row is even worse though, Jess, because people are walking to the bathroom because the bathroom's back.

[Tom Griswold]

Now they have to go around their neighborhood. Hi, we're the Millers. Oh, nice to meet you. Yeah, we're court ordered to introduce ourselves, you know. Is that the Mile High Club if.

[Chick McGee]

No, we talked about this.

[Tom Griswold]

No, but I mean, does the Mile High Club involve, you know, oral and I think that's a different. It should be a different club.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

That works in the bathroom, so, yeah, that counts.

[Chick McGee]

I don't want to do that in the bathroom.

[Tom Griswold]

You wouldn't?

[Chick McGee]

No.

[Tom Griswold]

Prude. There was that one. There's the one famous case where they hit the turbulence and the guy got circumcised against his will. The old Garp.

[Chick McGee]

I'm surprised they don't sell like a tent for a private. More private experience. You know what I mean?

[Tom Griswold]

It wouldn't be fun. You're surprised they don't do that? I don't think they should be encouraging that kind of fun.

[Chick McGee]

I mean, in general, not necessarily to have sex under, but like for a little privacy in those seats. If you have two seats and you want to.

[Tom Griswold]

I don't know what you're saying. When I flew to England this summer, they do have a. Certain seats have a whole ear completely. Yeah.

[Chick McGee]

Oh, well, yeah. Like the pods. Those are.

[Tom Griswold]

That was cool. I bet your feet go right up and.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Slide in. And I'm not with a person. I mean, never mind. We are in the O'Reilly Auto Parts Studios. This is the Bob and Tom Show. Thanks, Tom. And coming up next hour, Tom's Bullhorn Plus, Ali Breen and Sexy Time. But next, our west coast correspondent, comedian Al Jackson here on the Bob and Tom. Welcome back to the Best of the Bob and Tom show here in the O'Reilly Auto Parts studios. Think O'Reilly Auto Parts for all your car care needs. Get the parts and service you need fast. From the professional parts people at O'Reilly Auto Parts. This is Christopher in the Bob and Tom studios with comedian Al Jackson. Did we finish the sportscast officially? Because now the. The. The. The last story was kind of a lifestyle thing. J Lone, A Rotterdam dating. And they don't have an official nickname for the couple like they did with the horrific. What was it? Benifer, which I always hated. Someone's tweeted. J Rolo. I kind of like that J Rolo. I haven't had a Rolo in. I love.

[Chick McGee]

I love Rolos.

[Tom Griswold]

Rolo Rolos are so underrated. It's probably been 10 years. No, no, no, no, they're not. Did you hear what he said?

[Chick McGee]

A candy bar.

[Tom Griswold]

A candy bar. No, you know what?

[Chick McGee]

A Rolo, they're a little circle thick chocolate with caramel.

[Tom Griswold]

But don't they come in a. Don't they come in a roll? A big roll? So it's like. Okay, not a candy bar. If you're gonna go candy. Wait a minute, hang on. I gotta get a pen. Wouldn't it be. Let's see, it's. Wouldn't it be Roid Pez?

[Chick McGee]

Oh, God. You know.

[Tom Griswold]

Rod Pez. A Rod. No, he wants. Also it'd be Rod Pez, not Roy Pez. Because Roy Pez sounds like a candy where you take the little man and you dip his head and something shoots out his ass. Hey, it's a Roy Pez. These are tasty. You want a Roy Pez? No, a Roy Pez definitely do not. So it would be a Rod Pez. Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't have time to write it down to do the math on that. Now, Chick, you have a. Tell me an article over there about things you learned in school that are wrong. There are a couple things here that you're going to agree with, and I don't know if you're going to agree with all of them. That's my problem, and I don't want to start a fight. Okay, well, go ahead. I want to hear the food pyramid.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah, that's been disputed.

[Tom Griswold]

That's wrong. It's all wrong, remember? Is it all wrong? It's almost all upside down, I guess, or something, Right? What is. And that's. What. What is it again? You're supposed to eat this percentage of that and then. Yeah, that's no good.

[Chick McGee]

Two servings of this, five servings of that. Blah, blah, blah.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, somebody needs to help me on this one. There are only five senses. Five senses like smell, touch, taste, touch. Wasn't there. Isn't there some. Like the sense of balance. Isn't that an additional one? And I don't. I never heard that one.

[Chick McGee]

I don't know now.

[Tom Griswold]

And there's some that are going to make you mad because you still stick to you. Like the brontosaurus. And that's of course a brachiosaurus. Now there's no such thing as a brontosaurus. We all learn there. So the brontosaurus has been around for millions and millions and millions of years. And some guy changes the name, right, six years ago because he wants to get in paper. I like this one. Doing well. And you tell. You tell Mr. Flintstone doing well that when. That when he was flying down a brachiosaurus. And I say, mister, you are wrong. That doing well in school would lead to doing well in life. Probably debunked. Okay. You'll only use cursive handwriting in college.

[Chick McGee]

That's not true. Every day?

[Tom Griswold]

Never once? No.

[Chick McGee]

I wrote a handwritten note last night.

[Tom Griswold]

Cursive?

[Chick McGee]

Yes.

[Tom Griswold]

Who was it? Who was it for? Was it for Louisa May Alcott?

[Chick McGee]

Yeah, that's exactly right.

[Tom Griswold]

Tongue has. Hey, slow down here. Wait a second. We gotta debunk this. I know. Teaching kids cursive is a total waste of time.

[Chick McGee]

I think it's a beautiful thing. I love good handwriting.

[Tom Griswold]

Again. Why not teach them how to repair eight track tape decks? It's like calligraphy. It's like something. Yeah. It's a novelty. Yeah. If that kind of time. Maybe teach them computer skills or Chinese. Something I'll need to know. How are all your powdered wigs while you're cursive writing? Yeah. Teach them computer skills instead of cursive. I think that's. Yeah. What do you think?

[Chick McGee]

Do both.

[Tom Griswold]

Would anything be creepier than getting a cursive letter sent? I would be like, is this a threat? Like that's like. Yeah, right. What the hell is this? What the hell is this? You wouldn't like to dare you send me a handwritten letter? I don't think. I don't. Couldn't. I couldn't name three circumstances in which I would need a cursive letter. Yeah, the curse. I send handwritten notes, but I never cursive.

[Chick McGee]

You always print them?

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, it's always about it. I always tell people the key to success in college. I don't know if I could write a sentence in cursing. The key. The key to success in college is print. Super legible. When. If you're doing a blue book thing, and it's not a computer. Make it super legible. Try to be funny and prove you read the book, and you'll get another. This is impossible. I just tried to write a sentence in cursive, and it is impossible.

[Chick McGee]

I think we should all write something in cursive, and we can compare our cursive stuff.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, okay. I'll write something. There you go. I'm gonna write something in cursive.

[Chick McGee]

Are you hungry? Yes.

[Tom Griswold]

Okay. Are you. This says, I'm not sure how do you make a big E? Okay. Eat it raw. I don't know how to make an R anymore. No, that's really. That's kind of like Spanglish. It's half.

[Chick McGee]

I kind of do that.

[Tom Griswold]

Half cursive, half printing. No, it's pointless. Waste of time. Christy, your. Your. Your cursive is. Handwriting is wonderful. That's not necessary. And it's very. You're. You're. And that's. It's incursive. That's not an F. That's a seven if you're an Australian. Christie's writing has done something to me because it looks just like the girls writing when somebody would pass you a note.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

High school. Oh, my God. Yeah. You have a little heart instead of an. Is that the right. Is that the right F? That's the right F, right? Yeah.

[Chick McGee]

That's a nice F. I do not write cursive correctly. It's my own style.

[Tom Griswold]

Why don't you. I'll tell you what. Why don't you go to night school to learn curses?

[Chick McGee]

I know how to do it.

[Tom Griswold]

Because it's a waste of your time, and the people who are in favor should be publicly. Okay, next. I'm sorry. Oh, that's a G, not an S. Hang on. See, I see this. It's pointless now. We're talking about things you learned in school that are a waste of time. There's another one right there. Hey, the tongue has different taste sections. That's not true. That's been debunked. Yeah, that's what it says here. All right. Cracking your knuckles will lead to arthritis.

[Chick McGee]

That's not true.

[Tom Griswold]

That's not true.

[Chick McGee]

But I hate it.

[Tom Griswold]

You need to learn math with a calculator because you won't have a calculator with you all this time. Yeah, that's kind of sailed. But I think the reason to learn math. Principles. There's a certain elegance to it. Well, okay. Logic. That you can apply that same rule to Louisiana. Yes. Columbus discovered the Earth was Round. What was that? Newton. Who said it was round? I don't know. The Earth is round. Are we not just spinning? Here's one that you're not gonna like. Was it da Vinci? Degas. They taught us in school. Pluto's a planet. I remember that. Yeah.

[Chick McGee]

Now it's a dwarf.

[Tom Griswold]

Friend Larry Miller says Pluto is a planet and Homer is Homer. There you go. I believe in both. Slow down here. You can't blast through these things. Well, you'd get bored quick. I try to dispute that. I get yelled at. Is Pluto still a dog? Are we going to take that away too? And what's the deal with Pluto? With the dog is now called B39. See, it doesn't have the magic that it used to have. Goofy could talk. Pluto, Canada. They're both dogs. What's the deal? Wait, Goofy was a dog? Oh, yeah. I never got. Well, I knew Pluto was a dog, but Goofy never acted like a dog at all. It's cuz he wore clothes.

[Chick McGee]

He was goofy.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, but he's standing on two feet. Don't you know anything about. You? Weren't you a science teacher? Yes. So then you're not a dog if you're on two feet. See, cartoons have a different world and they have different physics. Well, no, but then why is Pluto. Exactly. Al's got a good point. Pluto is still a dog. And it has very different mannerisms than Goofy. And Pluto barks. Excuse me. Let me fix this. Okay, Josh, I'll talk to you. You're a semi intelligent. Let Tom come in and fix it. Do dogs wear clothes? Yes, rich people's dogs do.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Seriously. They don't dress themselves.

[Chick McGee]

Have you not been to a pet store lately?

[Tom Griswold]

Goofy dresses himself. That's why he's. Goofy lives alone. He's a confirmed bachelor now. That's changed the meanings, by the way. But that's a different story. I don't understand. I sort of don't understand this one. But glass is a slow moving liquid. That was taught in school. Evidently. Now, you were a science teacher, right? I'm just. I'm assuming that they're talking about. The molecules are moving so slowly, maybe we can't perceive it. But I didn't know. I know. Yeah. They had to get 30, so they made that one up.

[Chick McGee]

I think they made it up.

[Tom Griswold]

One teacher somewhere said that. Yeah. Okay, you cannot start a sentence with because. Because why? See, you can because I said so. Oh, here. Speaking of that one. One of my favorites. Speaking of that one. What parent. What parent has not said that? Goes Right into this one. Adults know what they're talking about. All right, I just got a text from a teacher, one of my best friends. She's a teacher. Not knowing cursive is a form of illiteracy.

[Chick McGee]

There you go. See?

[Tom Griswold]

Believing that cursive is important is a form of stupidity. Oh, wow. Not ignorance. I say we get a cage match between your friend and Tom and see how life's too short to waste 15 minutes learning how to do something you have no use for. It's again, it's like repairing.

[Chick McGee]

Totally disagree.

[Tom Griswold]

Eight track tape decks in cars. Not really a handy skill. Christie's cursive was so beautiful, it almost changed me over. I know. I thought cursing was the dumbest thing until I saw it. Christie's cursing. Her note to me was cursing. But I think you spelled throbbing with only one B. Robing. Yeah. That's not throbing, is it? What?

[Chick McGee]

You probing?

[Tom Griswold]

No, no. And is it not shooting? And that's not. It's shotting. I mean. No, no, that. Oh. Oh, you. Oh, I see. You wrote throbbing. Yeah. Oh, I see. She wrote throb me with that throbbing. She meant yes. Okay. That doesn't say fist, does it? Oh, Fresca. Well, that's weird. What are you into, Christy? Let's see. What does that say? Is that a capital oh, I have a giant. Okay, okay, thank you. You've heard the.

[Chick McGee]

That is not what I heard.

[Tom Griswold]

The story coming up next here on the Bob and Tom Show. For a Monday morning, it's Ally Breen with Sam Sexy Time. She's coming up in just a minute here on the Bob and Tom Show. This is a song I wrote for a special person. All right. Each time I need a trusted friend, you're there. With tears to dry and a heart to mend. You're there. And when I'm down in misery and the whole world turns, it's back on me and I need some love and sympathy. You're there. Nice, isn't it? Oh, yes. And when I'm weary and tired of trying. Honey, you're there. And anytime I might need a shoulder to cry on you. And sometimes when I come home with a heavy heart and weary bones and I need a little time alone, you're there. I want to turn the stereo on, but you're there. I gotta get in to use the john, but you're there. When I wake up lovingly and turn on my pillow hoping to see Kim Basinger smiling back at me, you are there. Oh, this is more of a good thing than I Ever planned how much damn togetherness the one man stand. Don't get me laughing here. All right, Sorry. I want to plop down in my favorite chair. But you're there. I can't see in the mirror to comb my hair. Cause you're there. And when I want a little snack at night, I sneak down to the fridge to get a little bite. I see a big fat ass blocking out the light. You're there. We are back now with more of the best of the Bob and Tom show for a Monday. This is Christopher in the Bob and Tom studios. Here's a segment with the sexy one herself, comedian Ali Breen. Joining us, I believe we have the lovely comedian Ally Breen. Hey, Ally. Hey guys, how are you? I'm good. That was so nice. Josh just said he loved you. You never hear guys say I love you. I do. I love, love, Tom. Yeah, very sweet. Now, Ali, just for starters, are you still a single gal on the make in New York City? Yes, I'm still a single gal. I don't know about on the make. And you have not gone back to your ex boyfriend, is that correct? I have not, I promise. Okay, good. Trying to keep track. Picking up a lot of strange D over there in the five Birds. So much they're burrows, you know. Well, when you're from New York, you say burn. There is a lot of strange day around here, I'll tell you that much. I will like to introduce at this point, DJ Dangler, comedian is here with us.

[Chick McGee]

Hi, Alex.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, I know dj, how are you? I'm great. That's not a stage name. Again, I have to have to emphasize. I know best name in comedy. That is, that is. That is a great name. It would be a great porn name though. 100 and we had. It was a birthday today of some guy. What's his name? Dirk Blocker.

[Chick McGee]

Dirk Blocker.

[Tom Griswold]

How could Dirk Blocker not being porn, how could DJs parents not name him Dirk? Yeah. Yeah. Well, because Dirk was Dan Blocker's son and he was an actor. Okay. Is he still with us, you say? Speaking? I don't think so.

[Chick McGee]

Dirk Blocker.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, Dirk's gone too.

[Chick McGee]

Or Dan. Dan's not.

[Tom Griswold]

Dan's been long gone. Dan's long. Yeah. Dirk, I think is Dirk is one of them on Reno9. What about their sister Beta? Brooklyn Beta Blocker, Yeah, Is she still with us?

[Chick McGee]

Dirk Blocker.

[Tom Griswold]

Is this on?

[Chick McGee]

Dirk Blocker, 62 years of age. He's an actor. Yes.

[Tom Griswold]

Brooklyn Nine Nine.

[Chick McGee]

He's on Brooklyn Nine Nine.

[Tom Griswold]

There you go. Is that one of your favorite shows? Yes, it is.

[Chick McGee]

He is the son of.

[Tom Griswold]

Did they have a pet rooster? No. No, they didn't. I. You can't get there. There's no. Okay, there we go. Let's get to one of our letters, shall we, Ally? Sure. Dear Allie, my birthday was last week and my boyfriend got me a Roomba. I'm annoyed he didn't get me something even slightly romantic. Break up. But I don't know if I'd sound crazy to get mad about it or just let it go. Set the Roomba on his head. You should not only be. Yeah. Pack your stuff. Not only be upset that he got you a practical gift, be upset that it's a Roomba. What has to be the worst appliance. I don't. I've never owned one, but they're terrible.

[Chick McGee]

Do you want mine?

[Tom Griswold]

No. Robot slave.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Yes.

[Chick McGee]

And it takes 20 minutes to do a small kitchen.

[Tom Griswold]

My favorite people in the world, Marty and Chrissy. They own one in Austin. They swear by the Roomba. No. No. And you'll hear it running downstairs and it freaks you. Look, they're fine people. I know it's. Can you have. Can you have them come over to my house and clean my Roomba? Because it takes longer to get the dog hair out of that thing than it does to clean the house. Well, time to empty the Roomba. Ran over. About Rosie.

[Chick McGee]

Does it say how long they've been dating her?

[Tom Griswold]

No. Yeah, that's kind of important. You're right. You can't get her a gift stuff like that for. It's interesting that you mentioned Rosie from the Jetsons DJ, because Josh does an amazing impression. Hey, Mr. J. You know, did you know Rosie and George actually had an illicit affair? Yeah, everybody always talked about. Oh, Mr. Sam and Diane, I want to know about. I want to know about George in that rope. Well, the new Suck Rock. He hits watered it. He hits watered it. Oh, the new sock nozzle arrived, Mr. J. Oh, the new Suck nozzle. That's a joke. Yeah. Suck Rod. Really not a joke. You stay away from that blender. Wow. Okay, anyway. Frisbee the Roomba into his. Into the streets and tell him to get lost. This is the only time I'm ever.

[Chick McGee]

Gonna take the guy's side because a Roomba is kind of expensive. It is expensive. Helping you out so you don't have. Have to clean. Yeah, I think that's what he.

[Tom Griswold]

They don't work very well, number one.

[Chick McGee]

But he doesn't probably know that, right? And he probably was thinking it would help her out. And he was.

[Tom Griswold]

What do you mean he doesn't know it? Because guys are just stupid.

[Chick McGee]

No, guys don't.

[Tom Griswold]

Do you know this guy? I didn't know Roomba sucked until now. Believe me, this guy knew exactly what he was.

[Chick McGee]

I. I'm a bad gift giver. I got Donnie an air fryer for Christmas.

[Tom Griswold]

And that's a great gift.

[Chick McGee]

He would be pumped.

[Tom Griswold]

And he was like, cool. He's like, I like my air grilled.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah, I bl.

[Tom Griswold]

It. Wait, but that's not a bad gift. That's an amazing. I thought like the air fryer gift.

[Chick McGee]

That was the big gift, though. It was pretty depressing.

[Tom Griswold]

I'm just reading about this guy, Dirk Blocker.

[Chick McGee]

What?

[Tom Griswold]

This is amazing. I'm surprised he's not a porn star. This says he was. He's the son of Dan Blocker and he was. Says he's hung like a hoss. Things you have to know to get that joke. You have to be aware of so much to be on Google as he speaks.

[Chick McGee]

Got to be character name.

[Tom Griswold]

Dennis Miller just texted me and said. What the hell did Tom just say?

[Chick McGee]

What is he.

[Tom Griswold]

What is he talking about now? Dan Blocker famously played H cartridge. Famously Hoss. Cartridges.

[Chick McGee]

Bonanza.

[Tom Griswold]

Okay. No, this guy. They were watching TV highlights last year. I agree. I agree. I agree. Agree with Josh Frisbee. That stupid semi worker.

[Chick McGee]

A lot going on there. I think we off. If they've only been dating a few months. If it's been a few years.

[Tom Griswold]

Okay, don't get the guy. Did not mean to upset you. That is. I think that's.

[Chick McGee]

No.

[Tom Griswold]

Cuz he would have got you a broom. Said, here you. Here you go, you witch. Yes. Here's a broom. Get your own dust pan, babe. He's just somewhat clean. Clueless here, so maybe give him a break.

[Chick McGee]

But.

[Tom Griswold]

But here's the thing. If you have to yell at someone to get you something romantic, that takes the romance out of it, doesn't it?

[Chick McGee]

Yes.

[Tom Griswold]

Well, maybe she's just an awful person. Maybe she doesn't keep a clean house.

[Chick McGee]

Maybe there are guys who just don't have that romance gene. Like that. They don't.

[Tom Griswold]

Definitely. I'm sure that's true. It's tough. Yeah. It's hard to make it right. But you can get her a dozen roses.

[Chick McGee]

I would see you as being someone like that.

[Tom Griswold]

Like what?

[Chick McGee]

That would buy a.

[Tom Griswold]

Shut up. I remember. I remember. Set of steak knives. Christmas gift. Happy Valentine's Day, dear. Here are your new windshield wipers. No, no, no. Thank you for the roof over your head. No, thank you for that. I'll have you know they were high quality. Cutco. They were the Cutco knives. And they were very, very nice. Knives missing. They were cut coast. Give me a break. Yeah. Lesson learned. Yeah. No, no. You've got to have something romantic. There's got to be either some jewelry in there or flowers. Chocolate. Chocolate. Yeah. But if you're something, I have a question. Has it ever worked in the history of man where you get someone a gift? Well, I'll tell you what, I. Why don't we make this your Christmas? It's like in July. Let's make this your Christmas gift. Why are you asking about this? Tom, just. In the history of life, right? It could be for anybody. It could be for one of your kids or whatever. Have you tried to play this card? Like you get something in July and you go, now remember, that's what he's saying. This is your Christmas gift. And that it never works. Of course not. Christmas comes around and, well, what'd you get me? Me. Remember in July, that car thing, you know? Are you still in a relationship? How is this happening? What the hell is going on? Even with your kids, though, it'll be no. Yeah, Dad, I really want this. Okay, well. But maybe this will be your Christmas present. Oh, that's fine. Yeah, I'll try to. All right.

[Chick McGee]

I'll take a car for the next five Christmases.

[Tom Griswold]

See, you'd probably remember. No, but by the time you get to the fifth Christmas, you'd be like, Yeah, there should be some kind of documentation.

[Chick McGee]

You have to sign a document saying, this is your Christmas gift.

[Tom Griswold]

Don't forget, this was my Christmas gift and I truly loved it.

[Chick McGee]

Right.

[Tom Griswold]

And then come December 26, I will remember I have received my Christmas gifts, which I loved. You are a wonderful.

[Chick McGee]

You can wrap up and put in the box for them to open on Christmas day.

[Tom Griswold]

That sounds. That sounds romantic. All right. Exactly. I don't know which is worse, thinking of that or continuing to mention it. I'm not sure. Part of being a father, I can tell you. Yeah. When you show that contract to your wife or girlfriend at Christmas, you're not having sex that night.

[Chick McGee]

That's right.

[Tom Griswold]

For sure. Okay. Well, you put that in the contract, too. This does not give you an excuse to withhold sex. Yes, December 26th will be a bang a thon. Christmas may come once a year, but. Yeah. Yeah. Hoss over here has some questions. Sorry.

[Chick McGee]

Do you have another letter?

[Tom Griswold]

I'm sorry, Ally. Thanks. For reading that letter. You got me upset.

[Chick McGee]

No, no.

[Tom Griswold]

Everyone's angry. No, no. If someone wants to come over and clean my Roomba. Yeah. First of all, it's got two Cheerios in it. You have to be of space and you have to get the wheels coming out. All kinds of. Yeah. Never takes a charge.

[Chick McGee]

It barely goes. It won't go over. Throw rugs. If you have a throw rug in the way. Geez.

[Tom Griswold]

And you can't sit on it and ride it.

[Chick McGee]

I learned.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. By the way, yesterday. That looks like yesterday I saw something I've never seen before. I'm sure I'm gonna get letters going. They've been out there for a thousand years. It was the equivalent of a Roomba for some guy's lawn. Oh, yes. Yeah. Oh, that sounds amazing. Driving right over here was. And there's this thing. It's. It's. It just looks like the bottom of a lawnmower. Right. No handle. And it was just buzzing away in its own. Honey, I shrunk the kids. Well, they had. So my question is, do you have to have a wire underneath the lawn so it knows where to stop, or is it some kind of. Yeah. I recommend having liability insurance when that thing takes off into the street. Yeah. When it runs over the neighbor's foot, you know. Well, we haven't seen much of Floppy lately. Oh, well, I got one of her paws.

[Chick McGee]

Wow. There are quite a few top five robotic lawn mowers, so they've been out for a while.

[Tom Griswold]

Well, apparently the new ones work on GPS satellites.

[Chick McGee]

Robo mow.

[Tom Griswold]

Robomo will mow. Robo Mo must mo. Roma. You can get out of the house. What's wrong, Dave? Wouldn't Robo Mo talk like. Talk like mo from the three Robo mo's got bangs. Pick two.

[Chick McGee]

So I guess it could be worse. Honey, you could have gotten a robo mo.

[Tom Griswold]

No, it's headed for the petting zoo. I have friends Robo mow like pool. I could. I. I have friends that love mowing their yards because it gives them a chance to get away from the noise.

[Chick McGee]

You are right. This says it works well once the wire is laid correctly. So I guess some of them do have to have a wire.

[Tom Griswold]

There's gonna be. No, there's gonna be.

[Chick McGee]

It says a rain Robo Mo that.

[Tom Griswold]

It knows when it's getting it to the fence. Apparently the new ones are cheap. It's headed to the beach home. Robo Mo must know everything in robo. Our only hope is it runs out of gas. Oh, my God. The daycare center. Robomo loves children. Then after it's done, the father of Robomo comes out, critiques it and makes him redo those spots. I used to mow a lot of grass back in the day. Let me ask you a chick. Do you have. Do you have a friend that has. I swear to God. I know a guy. I'm not kidding that. I got a guy. He has. He has. He has a house with. He's probably got, I don't know, five acres. And he loves mowing his lawn. Sure. The ride on mower, the head, the zero turn, the ztr. He's got the headphones and it's. This is his Zen thing. Yes. This is his zone. Calms down. Yeah. My dad will mow the lawn three times a week. He keeps it a crew cut, high and tight. Yeah, that's how he keeps it all the time. I've got that. One of my neighbors is that guy. Said he's out there constantly.

[Chick McGee]

Really?

[Tom Griswold]

Congrats. He's got a great looking yard. Congratulations.

[Chick McGee]

I found mystery tracks in my yard the other day.

[Tom Griswold]

Might be my dad moving strangers he really likes. I think there's only one. One answer. Robo.

[Chick McGee]

Robo Mo.

[Tom Griswold]

He's loose.

[Chick McGee]

I'm not kidding you. Maybe it was.

[Tom Griswold]

I will mow the world. So, Ally, have we helped this person with their crappy gift? Oh yeah. I think we did some good here. Yeah, we got to think of a Mr. Roboto. By the way, I'm a big fan of that record. I know no one likes it but me, but love Mr. Roboto. Sticks. Great album. Okay, so back to you.

[Chick McGee]

Back another letter.

[Tom Griswold]

The band. All right, Mr. Okay, that doesn't mean it wasn't good. Go ahead, Ali, interrupt us. Here we go. Dear Ally, my boyfriend just moved in with me and he drinks a lot, which isn't the problem. Wait a minute. How much is a lot? Robo drunk mustard. He drinks a lot, which isn't the problem. We both do. The problem is he's now lived with me for three months and he has wet the bed twice. He says it never happened before, but he also doesn't seem too bothered by it. What do I do?

[Chick McGee]

Okay, get a plastic mattress liner.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. First off, perceived. And truthfully, I've never done that. Thank you very much. Yeah, that could be a problem. How is it up there on your pedestal?

[Chick McGee]

Yes.

[Tom Griswold]

Come on.

[Chick McGee]

Have you peed the bed?

[Tom Griswold]

Yes. Whoever with the girl? Ally? Yes, I have. You urinated on a lover. It was Ally. Allie, we've done our job. It was A one night stand. And I woke up and I. And I just looked at. I go, oh, my God, I am so sorry I wet your bed. Bed. And she started cracking up. She goes, well, clean the sheets. So I had to. I was all hung over and I had to take the sheets towards her. She said, I'm glad something got wet. So you had like the Wash of Shame. Yeah. Wash of shame. We're done, everybody. That's it. We're done. Ally, we've done our work. It cannot. I think Robobo and the Wash of Shame are all T shirts. It's one of those things that's so embarrassing. If I didn't talk about it, it would just be a tumor. And, you know, I have a real quick story and you'll love this, especially if you're in high school and you're not one of the cool guys. There was a guy at my high school that was like the coolest of the cool, incredibly cool guy. And then another friend of mine was much better friends with him than I was. So after this happened, about a year out of college, this Mr. Cool from High school came to visit my friend that as he was home for a couple weeks in the summer. And they, and they went to his house and this guy stayed over at my buddy's house with his parents. And then Mr. Mr. Cool in high school, when he, when he, he left after a few days and went home and my friend's mom came up to him the next day and said, when your friend left, he made the bed. I thought that was really nice, that the bed was perfectly made. Made. He had pooped in the bed as a joke or on accident or was it Conway Twitty? Seriously?

[Chick McGee]

Wow.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. Oh, God. And it made the bed like you wouldn't. Yes. Okay, I have done that. We're on the way. Back in just a minute with Tom's bullhorn. There's a problem, I'm sure, here on the Bob and Tom Show. Welcome back on this Monday morning to the best of the Bob and Tom Show. This is Christopher in the Bob and Tom studios. Tom has a bullhorn that means trouble. And some listener letters are on the way. Tommy, I'm, yeah. Using my megaphone because I have a special request. Huh. This is going to be complicated, so I'm gonna have to talk to Jason for a second. All right. When we get to our letter segment. Okay. Okay. But I was testing my megaphone. It seems to be working. Yeah. Okay, good. You'll need in a minute, Christy. I'll get back over Here.

[Chick McGee]

Okay.

[Tom Griswold]

We have to hide it. Yeah, we have to take it apart. Think of all the toys he's taken away from us. My. Whatever buzzer. My little. Your slide whistle. Yeah. Oh, I have it here. He. No. Well, he hates it. That's handy. See, it's not like a bullhorn. I'm sorry. I'm trying to be a good coworker, though. Yes. That bullhorn really adds to the show. I only got it out because I have a special request from Brian in Ohio. What did Brian want in Ohio? Well, way to sing. This is sing it up. Pat, you're gonna have to give me a minute. This is a little more elaborate than I thought. I got to talk to Jason off the year. I'll.

[Chick McGee]

You could text him.

[Tom Griswold]

I can just turn my mic off and talk to him. Why don't we begin the letter segment and I'll talk to him briefly. Letters. Yes, Josh, you have a letter. Yeah. Tom, you made a new purchase yesterday. I believe you bought a three pack. Yes. Oh, yeah. Of these inflatable weight distributors, we'll call them. It's a. It's like a bladder. Yes. The size of a Frisbee, kind of. And you. You pump it like a cup for blood pressure, and it can lift up, say, a refrigerator, if you wanted to get it even. And then you'd put the shims under. Oh, this is incredibly cool. I think it's cool, too. Everybody else sort of scoffed, but Dale writes in. He says, I have those inflatable lift bags, and they are great. I use mine to roll my wife over when she snores.

[Chick McGee]

Oh, God.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, he's a big gal. Lordy Lord.

[Chick McGee]

Well, he gave his name. Name.

[Tom Griswold]

Maybe he. Oh, it says, please don't say my name.

[Chick McGee]

Okay.

[Tom Griswold]

I'm sorry about that. Dale Foster. I mean. Dear Bob and Tom show. Sorry to interrupt you at work. Yep. You overlooked something Christy said yesterday. Oh, okay. Said lots of stuff yesterday. Tom asked, you guys, come on. Don't you appreciate good wood? Okay. We were talking about present. Yeah, yeah. Shop teachers and everything like that. And my shop teacher and that he had. And we were talking about wood. Wood. And I. I was mentioning that I like nice quality solid oak furniture. That at one point, some decorator came in. Yeah, that got weird. Yeah, that got real weird. We didn't know who. You were upset. You were, like, instantly as angry as I've ever seen you. It triggered something. A lot of decorators know nothing about furniture. They know nothing about quality. And they just. Oh, this looks great. And it was a beautiful Oak table replaced with a piece of crap with. With a veneer paper thin. We need to start. This is something specific that happened to you that is still bothers me. Yeah. If you say, hey, by the way, that's a beautiful solid oak table. I read in my magazine, you idiot. I'm sorry, I'm over it. But the point is, the point is when I said, don't you appreciate good wood? And I was talking about my old shop teacher, a bunch of now illegal woods in his like bola, bola, whatever it is. Ebony, does Christy appreciate good wood? Was the question from Ron, who is apparently a fan of all for that. All for a sexual.

[Chick McGee]

Yes, I am appreciate good wood.

[Tom Griswold]

God. I would like to apologize to Rod Ron. He needs to apologize to us.

[Chick McGee]

Ron, you're my favorite listener.

[Tom Griswold]

Good morning. Good morning. Bob and Tom show. Ron is a Green Bay Packer fan, by the way.

[Chick McGee]

Oh.

[Tom Griswold]

So your husband Andy, they can bond?

[Chick McGee]

Sure.

[Tom Griswold]

I know you guys aren't taking pictures of dogs anymore. Peran. Josh is a cat person, but this kind of relates dogs too. But it got old to the big golden retriever discussion. This is my baby, Roxy Rose. I. You'll be able to see a picture of Roxy. She is our three year old. English. Oh, hey, wait a minute. That's a golden doodle. And she's giving us a. That's a crotch shot. That's a beaver. Roxy Rose beaver doodle.

[Chick McGee]

I. I don't want to see that.

[Tom Griswold]

You don't look. You're not looking at that. Not even in college you didn't look at that. No. Don't zoom in on it. For God's sake. Are you sick? Jeez. Can you go back and forth really fast? Okay. Looks like a big sweetie. How big is that dog? She's three years old. English cream golden doodle. 110 pounds. That's big. And currently on a green bean diet. From what I could tell, a mother of eight, she's not fat, she's just girthy. Now, years ago, with one of my golden retrievers, I. I put him on the green bean diet. The vet said he needs to lose some weight. Y and it was very effective. He lost the weight and lived to be 16. Great dog. My. One of my favorite dogs ever. Which one? Elvis. The great Elvis. I loved Elvis is how we met, actually. And we were talking on the radio about dog weight loss. And I'm obviously not a professional here, so talk to your vet. But it was recommended to me that I take his food and reduce the quantity of food and add Green beans because they're relatively, I guess, light in calories. I don't know how this works. Yes. Which I did, but then I. I had a problem with excessive dog flatulence. And as you know, in the. In the world of flatulence is, if you rate it it, human beings are like a 70. Dogs are like a 99.

[Chick McGee]

Right.

[Tom Griswold]

Those. That, those, Those dog farts can be just. They can make your eyes bleed, waking.

[Chick McGee]

You up from a dead sleep.

[Tom Griswold]

And the vet recommended an anti flatulent pill. And I was. We were talking about on this show and I mentioned they were incredibly expensive, and someone said, hey, look, another. Another vet emailed us. It goes, just get Beano. It's the same thing thing as opposed to the dog version of it. Again, I don't know if this is true, but I. So I don't think cat owners have this problem, do they? Cats having gas. I mean, it's happened once and gravy is three going on four. What did she say before she. You noticed gas? Was she upset about something?

[Chick McGee]

Excuse me.

[Tom Griswold]

Excuse me. I think if a cat. She probably just curled up right next to your face and let it rip. Yeah, Cats. Cats are. They don't care. No, I. No, she was just kind of in bed with me and, boy, all of a sudden I went, oh, my gosh. So to get back to my story, so I went and I was at CVS and I purchased a large quantity of, you know.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah, of course. And works on humans too.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. Well, I. It was kind of embarrassing because I was. There was a. I was checking out with this lovely young lady and she. Here I am buying. Who cares? Are you trying to apply that the only reason you didn't take this lovely young lady anywhere to have drinks and maybe some dancing was she noticed you had Beano and it cut into your. I thought you were off the market. Cut into your game. No, because she. But I just thought it was kind of embarrassing that I would have such excessive flatulence. I would need to buy a dozen bottles of Beano. That's my point. And then she said, aren't you that guy from the radio show? And I said, yes, I'm Bob. And then I played Paid Paid, and I left. Now we. Are we ready for my request for Christy? Okay, Christy, you're gonna need. You're gonna need the megaphone.

[Chick McGee]

I'm gonna need the megaphone.

[Tom Griswold]

Yes. This is very specific testing. Yeah, there we go. You're pulling that trigger and that it should be working fine. Okay. You think you. By the way, seen My good friend Josh Arnold, mad. Before this. This bullhorn thing. Might I. I might send him around the bed. I think he's gonna like this. Okay. This involves something in his sphere. Can you give me a test, Christy?

[Chick McGee]

Testing, one, two.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, get. Can you hold it up to the mic?

[Chick McGee]

Do I need to?

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah.

[Chick McGee]

Testing, one, two.

[Tom Griswold]

That's great. Pretty good. Now, you came up into radio, in all truth, through Arby's, because you. You work the Arby's drive through. What did you say?

[Chick McGee]

Welcome to Arby's. May I take your order, please?

[Tom Griswold]

Jesus. Hello? Yes, I'd like. She's so good at shake. Christie does have one of the great voices in American radio. Let's face it now, Christy, I will instruct you as to what you're supposed to do from this letter from Brian. This is already the longest bit of my life. It says, dear Bob and Tom, show time. Your new megaphone sounds great. I need Christy to do her version of the Puddle of Mud. Mud break in this. In this particular song. Thank you, Brian from Ohio. So are you familiar with the song, Christy? I don't think she is. Oh, okay. Wait. Okay, here we go. Okay. You know that? Yeah. Okay. Okay. Now, you know where we are in the song. And you know what part you have to sing. The part where. Well, after the song, I want you to do it with the song. Song. I'm just doing what Brian has asked me to do because this is my job. Here we go. Ready? Here it comes. I love the way you smack my ass as your cue. He's not even using a megaphone. He's not using a megaphone because this guy apparently.

[Chick McGee]

The way you smack my ass.

[Tom Griswold]

Are you thinking we don't have to do what listeners write and intelligence do? No, we don't. Well, are you thinking a collective soul? No, he's thinking it, probably. You sure like the bone. That's probably what this person. He wants to hear Christy say. I love the way you smack my ass through a megaphone.

[Chick McGee]

I love the way you smack my ass there.

[Tom Griswold]

Brian, are you okay now? Good God. Isn't that great? Yeah, wonderful. Well, dear Bob and Tom Show. I enjoyed it very much. Thank you very much, Brian, keep writing. This is. You were talking about companies with products shaped like. Like the Oscar Mayer wienermobile. This is from a septic service. It's called the Stool Bus. Best septic truck ever. Oh, no, no. Tom, I think you. That's pretty funny. I think you'll love this picture. It's. It is actually the Stool Bus with. Okay, it Is. It's. It's a little classier than I thought it was. Yeah. Happy turds. Looking out the window, one of them's wearing a ball cap. So it's like they're students in a school bus. Yeah, it's painted, whatever that orange bus color. And the back of it, the tank is, as you say, it has windows painted on with happy turds sticking out, like a bunch of students. They are happy. They're very pleased. Nothing better than a happy turd. Look at that one. Look at that one. Real fat turf. He's dumpy. Yeah, that. That had to hurt. Okay, well, thank you very much once again. We. I like vehicles that are in the shape of the product that they advertise. This is. This is a. This is close, but not quite. Josh and I were both expecting something that looked more like that. That potato vehicle that we saw. A couple. This is funny. Yeah, the stool bus. Get it? We're coming right back on this Monday morning with Duke Tomato and the band in the parking lot and things stuck in orifices. Boy, you don't want to miss that. Coming up next, though, tongues and handshakes, I don't think at the same time. This is the Bob and Tom show. This is the best of the Bob and Tom show. Welcome back. This is Christopher in the Bob and Tom studios. The gang is back in here live, one week from this morning, Monday, January 5th. Here's a segment with a little tongue. Little handshake. Little more tongue. Little more tongue. For now, we were talking about. Yeah. Nope. No, no, kid, we can't.

[Chick McGee]

We can't talk during the breaks anymore.

[Tom Griswold]

Well, we got talking about this old commercial, a handshake instead of a kiss. And then. Then we started talking about kissing. And how much tongue do you like when you're kissing? And then Christy stuck her tongue out, and it was like a. It was like, as Josh said, Christie has a parakeet's tongue. It looks like a parakeet's tongue. It's not black. No, it's just.

[Chick McGee]

It's just little.

[Tom Griswold]

It might be small for a parakeet. Too small. Yeah. Yeah.

[Chick McGee]

So now you're saying I'm a bad kisser because I have a little tongue.

[Tom Griswold]

Well, I can't imagine how you can. Josh. Like, let me help you, Josh. Let's just say you. Let's just say you and Chrissy are making out. Yes. Christy. Whatever her name is. With her small tongue. With her. With her small tongue. That makes more room in there for your big one. Oh, well, I guess that do you.

[Chick McGee]

Have a big tongue?

[Tom Griswold]

I don't know. Let's see. Stick it out. Let's see. Whip it out chicks.

[Chick McGee]

That chick has kind of a big tongue.

[Tom Griswold]

Big fat tongue. I have a big fat. I do have a big fat tongue. You do. You have a very large. Why are you self conscious in my weird wide hands? Okay, I have really stubby hands, but they're. No, no, you have tiny fingers on tiny fingers. If huge paws. Okay, let's see Josh. We'll see that tongue. Oh, dear God. Oh, that's freakishly large. I almost stood up and applauded. Can do some things, but. Oh, you should get. You should get have like a logo. You make that Rolling Stones tongue look tiny. That is massive. Even did the Gene Simmons. Oh, you might owe gene simmons like 20 bucks for doing. Ah, crap. Probably do you own 30?

[Chick McGee]

But yours doesn't point like his. So you have more of a wide.

[Tom Griswold]

I can point it. You have a very wide, wide tongue. It's a pretty versatile. Did you ever see. Remember the news story about the world's biggest tongue last year? Oh, this is a disgusting a this. And the woman who can bug her eyes out.

[Chick McGee]

Wasn't that some 15 year old and her dad?

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, like it couldn't get more creepy.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

My daughter. Show them your tongue, honey. Christmas. I think it was the Guinness Book of Records, actually. Yeah, I'll have to find that.

[Chick McGee]

It was just tongue. That's funny. I've never heard that before.

[Tom Griswold]

I'm sure you can use it just fine.

[Chick McGee]

That's why I'm still single. I guess that's the whole problem.

[Tom Griswold]

Exactly my point.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah. Cuz I have a small tongue.

[Tom Griswold]

Okay, Christy, I'm sure you make it up with other things. Let me see your tongue. You know what they say. Let's see your tongue. Let me see your tongue. Are you happy now? I. I can't breathe. Why is it forked?

[Chick McGee]

You've got to have a VIP camera. That rolls right back up in there, doesn't it?

[Tom Griswold]

Okay, he sticks his tongue out like he's tasting something bad. That's kind of an unnatural thing to be doing. Yeah, it was weird. Let's. Let's move. No, because we were talking about the old commercial. They used to go a handshake instead of a kiss.

[Chick McGee]

I don't remember.

[Tom Griswold]

None of us ever. And we're all reasonably intelligent. Never heard. But it was implying that on the first date she doesn't get a kiss.

[Chick McGee]

Because her breath is her or him. Why is it always the girl? Was it Maybe he had bad.

[Tom Griswold]

Okay, I'm not trying to get into some sexist argument here. I'm just some. Someone had bad. Mysterious as to who it was. Honey, does your.

[Chick McGee]

Oh, my God. What?

[Tom Griswold]

P down on a yeti? Holy hell. What are you keeping in your mouth? Compost. Wow. So, I mean, have you ever had a first date where it's a handshake at the end? Yes, but. So not only did you not get the second base, you didn't even get out of the on deck circle. You shook his hand. I'm assuming it was a boy.

[Chick McGee]

Yes, it was a boy.

[Tom Griswold]

Because it did not go well, Correct?

[Chick McGee]

No, it went well. We ended up dating for many years, actually.

[Tom Griswold]

I have a feeling he knows you're a professional person, and he.

[Chick McGee]

I think he was a respect thing. We had met at a restaurant. It was like he picked me up at the house or anything.

[Tom Griswold]

And he had pants on at the time.

[Chick McGee]

He had pants on at the time?

[Tom Griswold]

Just checking. Well, let me. That would be very fun. Forward. If at the end of the day, he drops his pants and then he puts his hand out. Yes. I just wanted you. Want you to see this and maybe next time. Could have been one big, thick finger. Next time you can be shaking this and.

[Chick McGee]

Oh, my gosh.

[Tom Griswold]

And show her that. Would you have. If he had gone in for a hug, would you have happily hugged him or.

[Chick McGee]

I'm a hugger. Huh. I'll hug strangers. So.

[Tom Griswold]

Have you ever. Be careful. Have you ever done this? Go for the kiss and they go. Nope. Shake them off. You have. As you should. If you don't want to kiss.

[Chick McGee]

If I don't want to kiss somebody.

[Tom Griswold]

No. If a guy comes in for a kiss, you kiss him. No, I'm sorry, Father, I can't do that.

[Chick McGee]

There you go, taking it one step to.

[Tom Griswold]

You know what? I'm speaking on behalf of Josh. Challenge accepted. We're going to try to say the most uncomfortable things all morning. So far, you are in the lead. Lead with implying that Christy kisses her priest. 3 1, 3, 1. You are way ahead. Josh had a doozy earlier.

[Chick McGee]

Was that on the air or off the air, though? That was off the air.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, it was on there. So why are we talking about this again? Because Christie has a parakeet tongue. Okay.

[Chick McGee]

Oh, I don't know why we were talking about tongue.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, a handshake instead of a kiss.

[Chick McGee]

Oh, that's why.

[Tom Griswold]

All right. Because we had handshakes in the news. Because the New York Giants had a very funny Odell Beckham thing about some of the celebratory handshakes they.

[Chick McGee]

Have you ever shook a woman's hand on a date? Seriously? You can remember that far back?

[Tom Griswold]

I, I, you know, I could, I could see you out on the make explaining to the receptacle what's going to happen later and how lucky. Yeah, that's me. What I do is I take my. I take my.

[Chick McGee]

Your orbit.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. I take a soda can and run my fingers up and down it like this and go, this is me and you. No, of course not. I don't do that.

[Chick McGee]

I just.

[Tom Griswold]

You know what I, I do every now and again, I let the woman know right away that I do not kiss on the first date.

[Chick McGee]

Do you really?

[Tom Griswold]

Just because. And it's sort of a reverse psychology type thing.

[Chick McGee]

Oh, then it's a challenge for her. I'm gonna get him to kiss on the first.

[Tom Griswold]

Just so you know, we're not. We are not. It seems appropriate for a freshman in high school to try that. Try that. And then she, and then she says, oh, good, then I want to have to order another drink. Yeah, no, you're right. There probably have been some that have been pretty relieved. There's a lot of pressure there. Just going to brace myself. Have you ever been out on a date when? You'll see this in a movie every now and then. Well, I think we should get the kiss out of the way here right off the bat so we don't have to worry later. That's a Woody Allen on American Dad. He goes at one time, he goes, I didn't kiss your mother on the first date. It made the sex very impersonal. All right, then.

[Chick McGee]

All righty.

[Tom Griswold]

Now, how do you feel about the celebratory handshakes in a football game?

[Chick McGee]

Or I thought you were going to say after sex.

[Tom Griswold]

That's typically a high five. I'm typically a act like you've been there before kind of guy. You know, you score your touchdown, you go right back to. But at this point, I totally get the celebration. At this point, an out of ordinary celebration would be tossing the football to the ref and. Right. I think that's way cool. Cooler. Way cooler than anything you could do. That's way Barry Sanders. But, but I mean, because it is a difficult. That is their job, though. I mean, in ordinary. In ordinary life, do you expect the, like the bus boy to come clear the table and you go, high five. Right on. That was awesome, dude. High five. Right on. That's what he said. Because all the kids say, right, right on.

[Chick McGee]

Right.

[Tom Griswold]

And now, hey, Waiter. Waiter. You got it right, right. High five. Awesome job. Oh no, don't lose. Right on. Don't keep. Right on. Yeah, I'm not a high five guy though. Are you? Are you guys. No, not.

[Chick McGee]

That's because we're adults.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, you'd be shocked at how many adults want to high five. I forgot who it was, but. Oh, now I remember who it was. I have to tell you, uncomfortable moment. Yeah, I was out with some. A bunch a group of friends and there was a guy in that group that like high fived all the time. Hey, the drinks are here. High five crap like that. Yeah, all evening. Nope, can't do it. No, not doing it. Not doing it. Sparky.

[Chick McGee]

No.

[Tom Griswold]

Are you. Party pooper. High five or never. He doesn't like to touch people, let alone high five them. I do a very traditional adult handshake. Hello, how are you? No matter who it is, this is how I shake hands.

[Chick McGee]

All right.

[Tom Griswold]

And again, I've said it. Said we have to come up with an app that would tell you as someone approaches.

[Chick McGee]

Well, what do you mean an app?

[Tom Griswold]

No, like as they're walking toward you.

[Chick McGee]

Oh, that's Steve Smith. He's a doctor. You met him at a party in 1942.

[Tom Griswold]

He's going to T.R. steve Smith. He prefers a low five followed by a back pat and a quick hug. Last time you tried a quick dry hump you thought would be funny.

[Chick McGee]

He did not think it was humorous.

[Tom Griswold]

By the way, his wife is leaving him because he's first class. We're on the way back in just a minute, so come on back and learn about things stuck in orifices. Don't want to miss that. This is the Bob and Tom show. Hello, welcome to Mr. Obvious Show. I am your host, Mr. Obvious. Let's take a call. Mr. Obvious Show. Hello, is this Mr. Obviously speaking? Hi, Mr. Hobbyus, longtime listener, first time caller, please. How may I help? Well, Mr. Obvious, I bought this cabin. It's up there in Frigid Falls, Minnesota. Oh yeah, Good for you. Oh, it's fabulous. I got it back in early December and man, it was just perfect. This cabin, I mean, this was my lifelong dream. Now do I detect a note of sorrow in your voice, caller? Man, you are some kind of perceptive. Did something happen to your cabin? Caller, please. Well, yeah, I guess you could say that, Mr. Obvious. Uh huh. Somebody stole it. Someone stole your entire cabin? Oh, apparently so, Mr. Obvious. I couldn't believe it. I. I went back up there this last weekend and it was gone. Now caller, there Must be some sort of logical explanation. An entire cabin can't just disappear. Well, I wouldn't think so, but I sure as heck can't figure it out. Mr. Obvious. Caller, don't take offense, but are you sure you remember where your cabin is located? Oh, yes, sir, Mr. Obvious. I'm real good with directions. I don't know if you know this. I was, I was a navigator in the war. Which war, caller? You know, the big one, the one against West Vietnam collar. Yeah, Mr. Obvious, that was North Vietnam. I guess that explains the lack of anti aircraft pilots. Please, back to the cabin. You went back to Minnesota this weekend, right? Right. And your cabin was gone. Exactly. Did you talk to anyone up there who might have seen anything? Well, I talked to one guy. He was out boating. He said he didn't see a thing. You said boating, Right. Is there a lake where your cabin is located? Oh, yes, sir, Mr. Obvious. Caller, did you fish at your cabin when you were there in February? Oh, I sure did, Mr. O. It was great. Caught me a big old mess of fish. You did, huh? Oh, yeah, All I did, I cut a hole right there in the floor of my cab. There was fish swimming down there all over the place. It was great. Caller, you cut a hole in the floor of your cabin, dropped a line, caught a fish. Oh, yeah, yeah. Caller, did you see the lake in February? You know, that's the weird part, Mr. Obvious. I didn't even know there was a lake there, you know, in February. Yeah. Caller, how big was this cabin of yours? Oh, it was pretty small. Just room for me and, you know, maybe one other guy, but not much else really. Got a theory, caller? What's that? You know where your stupid cabin is? Well, no, that's why I was calling. You figure out where somebody would have taken my cabin? It's at the bottom of the lake. Caller, you had a nice fishy cabin. You didn't cut a hole in the floor of the cabin, for Pete's sake. You cut a hole in the ice the cabin was sitting on. When the ice melted, your cabin sank. It sank. It sank. So what are you, Are you saying like it was built on a quicksand? No, it's warmer weather. Water melted your ca. Cabin at the bottom of the lake. You were supposed to drag it off the ice when the weather started getting warmer. Ice fishing cabin? Yeah.

[Chick McGee]

Huh.

[Tom Griswold]

I never made the connection. Yeah, man, that's a shame. I, I just bought a brand new living room suit for the place. Join us again next time. Not to even mention the big screen TV and the Mr. Obvious Show. Goodbye. Welcome back to more of the Best of the Bob and Tom show here on a Monday. This is Christopher in the Bob and Tom studios. You might want to take some notes on this. It's things stuck in orifices. Might want to write some of these down. Hello, Tom. Hello, Chick McGee. Hello. But right now we're talking to Christy Lee.

[Chick McGee]

Based on the US Consumer Product Safety Commission's dialogue. A database, database.

[Tom Griswold]

Database, da da, da of a database is a place where all the clocks are melting. Sorry. Heavy, man. Everyone has. Everyone has pencil. Pencil thin mustaches.

[Chick McGee]

Those of you who are watching the pit, they apparently make sure that they know exactly what's going on in emergency rooms all over the country. The old consumer products.

[Tom Griswold]

I'm going to be in Pittsburgh this week and I'm going to see if that show is true. I'm just going to wind up in that er. Are you see what happens. Yeah.

[Chick McGee]

Defector has compiled a list of items that were stuck in people in very various orifices.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, all right, here we go. Would you want to. You want to like, name the object and we have to figure out the orifice.

[Chick McGee]

Well, I have. I can't.

[Tom Griswold]

Yes.

[Chick McGee]

I mean, I can't. I have a list of them by.

[Tom Griswold]

Orifice or by object.

[Chick McGee]

I have a list of objects, but I don't know where they go in what.

[Tom Griswold]

Okay. Particular office.

[Chick McGee]

But I do have. I have my own list of things.

[Tom Griswold]

That you've stuck in. Oh, my God. Let's start with butts.

[Chick McGee]

Okay, if we start with butts, then we have to go over to here.

[Tom Griswold]

That's pretty presumptuous.

[Chick McGee]

Do you want to guess or do you want to.

[Tom Griswold]

No, no. You can reach action figures.

[Chick McGee]

Action figures stuck in the butt. That's right. And an action figure. Figure head.

[Tom Griswold]

I want. I want specific action. I want to know.

[Chick McGee]

It doesn't say which one.

[Tom Griswold]

Boba Fett, Fruits and Vegetables.

[Chick McGee]

That's not on here. I have a toilet brush.

[Tom Griswold]

Well, that's not a handle or brush.

[Chick McGee]

It just says toilet brush. I don't know which end.

[Tom Griswold]

Pretty dirty. If you're. If you're working with. With the brush. You're serious? Yeah. But I would think you could get that out. Well, yeah. With the handle. Sure. Oh, these are one stock.

[Chick McGee]

These are stock. Well, maybe the vacuum was too much and you couldn't pull it out.

[Tom Griswold]

Out.

[Chick McGee]

Plastic toy fish.

[Tom Griswold]

Huh? Like one of those singing ones that you put on the wall or just a regular one. Yeah, yeah. Billy butt. Oh, not billy ass. Very good. I. I I. I chose to grow the more gentlemanly way. Yeah, yeah, that's what you.

[Chick McGee]

Emergency room visit. This was said by a patient. I was sent in by my wife for a possible 16 oz. Glass bottle and rectum.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh boy, oh boy. And you got to be careful to where you bottle. I mean, I love Mexican coke, but not that much.

[Chick McGee]

Piece of a lamp.

[Tom Griswold]

A piece of a lamp. Well, take another piece of my lamp now, baby. Oh, man, you hope it wasn't the bulb. Well, no, we had a picture of different things. If it was a little string and then you pulled it and then it turned the light on on the guy. Oh, yes. Yeah.

[Chick McGee]

What about a ratchet wrench?

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, I try that. Oh, now would you go metric or.

[Chick McGee]

Patient entered the ER complaining of rectal pain. Admitted to inserting sex toys six months prior.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, that's right. I admit it. Yeah.

[Chick McGee]

Do you think it'd been up there for six months?

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, well, the batteries ran out. That would. Why wouldn't that kill battery? How would you. Would things pass by?

[Chick McGee]

I don't know.

[Tom Griswold]

How did they. Crap.

[Chick McGee]

I don't.

[Tom Griswold]

So in the rectum. You're right. I think things would just pass by. It's. I. It's like a highway and you have a bypass. Right. Your body just does that automatically. So he's down to one lane if you Right. Boy, that's something. Isn't that something?

[Chick McGee]

Patient said vibrator egg and not sure if it was passed in stool.

[Tom Griswold]

I don't know if I grabbed this thing out, doc or not.

[Chick McGee]

You need to look up there and see.

[Tom Griswold]

You go see, please. You know, this is your fourth visit here this week. I don't think you're here for this. You're not here with a procedure.

[Chick McGee]

What about a vegetable peeler?

[Tom Griswold]

That's handle for sure. Whoa. That cadet's gonna hurt. That's gotta be handled.

[Chick McGee]

A fist sized water balloon.

[Tom Griswold]

Well, hang on a second. Let's see what. What orifice we're talking about. So is the water still in says water?

[Chick McGee]

Balloo Would assume the water would be in it.

[Tom Griswold]

That can't be easy to cram into your butt a water balloon without it bursting. It'll either burst. Take a look at the orifice. Oil, Tanus. Oh, here we go. I wonder if you probably have to use a plunging device like you're loading a revolutionary warrior. A gun.

[Chick McGee]

Like a.

[Tom Griswold]

Like a tamper. A tamper? Yeah, for a blunderbuss.

[Chick McGee]

These are all still in the rectum. A fishing pole?

[Tom Griswold]

Oh no. It's got to be like A pocket fisher can't be the whole spinning reel or bait cat.

[Chick McGee]

Trouble hook still on a crochet needle.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh that one at least kind of makes sense because it's the right shape. It's conical. I mean this is all non. No, I know what you mean. Yeah. Yeah. You know though. And it makes sense after what we've already heard. Yes, this seems reasonable.

[Chick McGee]

Ice cream cone.

[Tom Griswold]

What? Well that would. I. I'd go waffle cone because it tapers. Yeah, that's probably one of those. Wouldn't it get crossed plastic ice cream cones. I can't imagine it's plastic.

[Chick McGee]

They. Oh you mean like. Like a kid.

[Tom Griswold]

Like a kid's toy. A real cone?

[Chick McGee]

Yeah. Cuz it would just melt and wouldn't it if we don't know if there's.

[Tom Griswold]

Ice cream in it. Yeah, that would be the waffle. Like quite a treat that that be quite a feeling. Hey wait a minute. It's neapolin. Don't put it in strawberry first. Oh, did you use the chocolate dips waffle cone. No, I didn't.

[Chick McGee]

Two poker chips because of a bet.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, you can't win or lose. Hey, check this out. All in. Yeah, yeah, like hell I won't. Don't splash the pot. Yeah, that's the guy that made that bet. Is the guy that in the. At the end of the joke that goes if you can't find me, I'll be hiding behind the couch. Yeah, you wanted it.

[Chick McGee]

This is a good one. Patient came in saying he was playing with a container of athletes foot spray and accidentally it ended up in his rectum.

[Tom Griswold]

That's so funny. Foot spray. And it ended up my ass.

[Chick McGee]

Even saying that.

[Tom Griswold]

Well I see the problem here, Sir. You've got 10 actin champ in your ass.

[Chick McGee]

Here's another one. Patient said he had a few beers, placed a long wax candle into his rectum, lost balance, fell onto a couch and lost hold of the candle.

[Tom Griswold]

Don't you just light it and wait? Isn't there something called candling tom for your ear. For your ear infection or something you're supposed to. That helps. I don't know. That doesn't sound. Apparently that takes away the good earwax. You got earwax in there that you need for equilibrium.

[Chick McGee]

Okay, one more billiard ball.

[Tom Griswold]

Whoa. What? What? What?

[Chick McGee]

Number rectum.

[Tom Griswold]

No, no, no, you don't want to go. You don't want to go with the eight ball rectum. I don't think you heard my question correctly. You are not paying attention. What number rectum has anybody Seen the cue ball rectum? I've got it. Well, I don't. I assume you're breaking. No, it's a scratch now. Not breaking. Really? More tearing. Well, the ball got stuck and he couldn't get it out. He had to put four more quarters in just to get the ball out. Talk about eight ball, center pocket, huh? That's right. The butthole. And you gotta call it. That's right. Yeah, yeah. You gotta call it or it doesn't. Eight ball, corner pocket. Oh, wait a second. You know, we forgot to do what? Well, we forgot to do today. An incident mystery again.

[Chick McGee]

Well, I'm not done with things stuck in places.

[Tom Griswold]

Tough. Well, we're gonna come back to things stuck in places because it's time now to check in with the Ace Cosby. Ace is back. And, Ace, I know you're not in full voice yet, but let's give it a shot. Here you go. Here he is with his joke of the day. Hey, Willie. Hey, Ace. Been traveling a lot?

[Chick McGee]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

What state is known for their tiny soft drinks? Oh, man. What state would be known for their tiny soft drinks? I can't think. Think Minisoda. There it is. I don't know that. Why do I hear laughing? Yeah. Oh, there you go. More than a couple people.

[Chick McGee]

He didn't like Minnesota.

[Tom Griswold]

I liked it when I first heard it in 1967. Delivery. Now we have more things. Is this strictly. Are we strictly stuck in the rectum or have we moved over?

[Chick McGee]

We're done with the rectum. This is the US Consumer Product Safety Commission database of emergency room visits. They've compiled these things that were stuck in orifices.

[Tom Griswold]

But, I mean, once you've. Once you've talked to rectums. Yeah. Nose doesn't as interesting. Where are we going about vagina? We take it back. Yeah, I forgot about that. Go ahead, Chris.

[Chick McGee]

Of course you did. Okay. Woman came in, said she was holding.

[Tom Griswold]

You know what? We need a drum roll for this or something. This is exciting.

[Chick McGee]

She was holding a pen near her vagina when the cap dislodged and stuck ins inside, of course.

[Tom Griswold]

Is that what happened?

[Chick McGee]

Yeah, that's what she said.

[Tom Griswold]

See, here's. I wasn't jamming it in there. Right. It just went in.

[Chick McGee]

Other things found inside a woman. Two pencil sharpeners. What?

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, that is the crank.

[Chick McGee]

Pencil sharpener.

[Tom Griswold]

What? Probably the handheld. Yeah. It can't be the ones you affix to the wall. That'd be. Oh, my God. Honey, we want to come over here and crank this for me. What do you Think I'd rather not, Aunt Linda. Now remember, you can't tell your mom and dad. Got real dark.

[Chick McGee]

A drinking cup.

[Tom Griswold]

Just say a. Really? As opposed to an athletic cup?

[Chick McGee]

I guess.

[Tom Griswold]

Was it like one of the souvenir cups that you get at the movies?

[Chick McGee]

Was it like one of those that expands and goes down like this?

[Tom Griswold]

The dune cup with a big worm coming out of it. I can think of Red. Red. Solo.

[Chick McGee]

A golf ball.

[Tom Griswold]

If you're gonna masturbate with something, it should be solo, right? A golf ball.

[Chick McGee]

A golf ball. Better than a billiard ball, I'll tell you that.

[Tom Griswold]

I didn't play with a Titleist today. Getting from the ladies. There was a joke there that I speak of. Letters I have to.

[Chick McGee]

A woman came in and said a flashlight was placed in her vagina by a patient at home. Oh, wait a minute. Flashlight was placed in the vagina by patient. Patient while she was at home, but had no intention of it becoming stuck.

[Tom Griswold]

Well, no.

[Chick McGee]

You rarely do, right? Not usually.

[Tom Griswold]

In England they call that a vagina torch. Absolutely. Different words.

[Chick McGee]

Some of these things I don't get. But a drumstick.

[Tom Griswold]

Well, what are we talking about? Probably not the food kind. Probably the kind you play the drums with. It's either a turkey leg, an ice cream cone, or a.

[Chick McGee]

What's a drumstick gonna do? It's like the size of a. I.

[Tom Griswold]

Thought drumsticks were actually huge. When you look at them. Really girthy. Really nice.

[Chick McGee]

A nail polish bottle.

[Tom Griswold]

Ah.

[Chick McGee]

A camera lens cap.

[Tom Griswold]

That's weird. Yeah, I left the lens on the camera lens cap.

[Chick McGee]

Soap is popular. Unscented soap bar. Perfumed soap bar.

[Tom Griswold]

Wouldn't that sting?

[Chick McGee]

Soap dispenser.

[Tom Griswold]

Well, if you have it sting if soap gets in there. If you have a lesion.

[Chick McGee]

No, if he. I haven't.

[Tom Griswold]

I just assume it's, you know, that. Smoke it, Senior. Go ahead, Chris. Don't. Pan.

[Chick McGee]

Spatula.

[Tom Griswold]

H. A pancake Turner. Really?

[Chick McGee]

And somehow a woman lost a screw and a coin in her vagina. I don't know how that is possible.

[Tom Griswold]

Screw and a coin. What is she using it as? A junk drawer.

[Chick McGee]

Thank you.

[Tom Griswold]

Going to be the Phillips or. That's always the way. You know, I can always find the one you don't need. This is a flathead.

[Chick McGee]

All right, I'm gonna make you squirm now because this is gonna go inside your peen.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh.

[Chick McGee]

Oh.

[Tom Griswold]

Hey, what is this called, Josh? Sounding.

[Chick McGee]

Sounding.

[Tom Griswold]

Putting stuff up there. Yeah.

[Chick McGee]

Cell phone charger and 14 inch cord.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh.

[Chick McGee]

Huh. Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

I can't even put A lace through a pair of sweatpants, let alone. Oh, for how long?

[Chick McGee]

14 inch cord is what it says here.

[Tom Griswold]

Holy heck. Once the cord is in, I can see it going easily down. It's just the. Really, the charger. Well, how would you move it down into.

[Chick McGee]

I don't know.

[Tom Griswold]

This is awful.

[Chick McGee]

The cord's a popular one. We have a USB cord. We have the cell phone charger cord. We also have. This is the, quote, ceiling fan chain in his penis hole. States it has been there since his shower at 9 last night.

[Tom Griswold]

Night shower. What I like to do, I call it. I call it the super shower. And I get in there and, you know, I get the chain from my ceiling fan. Boy, man, you might think this is weird. No, no, no. But you had to climb up on a ladder, remove the fan, remove the chain, and for some reason, as he's doing, doing this, I see him whistling. Yeah, yeah, sure. If I pull it once, it goes real fast. Twice, it goes twice as fast. Start me up in the hole of your penis. Yeah. Boy, that's old school. I have a penis. Push button now. But Chick's got a remote in his phone. Oh, yeah, shove my phone in there. Well, thank you, Christy. Okay, what's happening?

[Chick McGee]

And authorities in California are investigating reports of birds mysteriously, quote, unquote, exploding Bay Area.

[Tom Griswold]

Is it because of Randy Johnson throwing pitches? If you haven't seen that, do yourself a favor, spend some time. It's an amazing video.

[Chick McGee]

According to ABC News, residents of the Richmond neighborhood claim they have found multiple dead birds in the area. Area. The California Department of Fish and Wildlife's Wildlife Health Lab said the bird's injuries were consistent with trauma from a pellet gun, BB gun, or a slingshot.

[Tom Griswold]

Somebody is out there. Just. Just kids.

[Chick McGee]

It was initially believed the birds were being electrocuted on power lines.

[Tom Griswold]

They have slingshots that can cause some damage. They shoot these ball bears. Oh, I've seen them. Yeah. That's crazy. Hell, yeah. They're, they're, they're deadly. Really good.

[Chick McGee]

They are deadly.

[Tom Griswold]

I think the suspect. The way to find this, find someone who spent a lot of money at a car wash on a consistent basis. Oh, yeah, they have motive. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chick McGee]

They're done.

[Tom Griswold]

Like, hey, we got one of them right here. As I understand it, it's not the bird's fault they can't control their bowels. They just go.

[Chick McGee]

When was the last time you tried to potty train a bird?

[Tom Griswold]

That is interesting. You know those performance bells, those performance art guys that are living statues? Yes.

[Chick McGee]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

How hard do they commit to the bit? If a pigeon lands on them, they will they falter or let it cry. If you were to just sit next to one of those guys, would they ever leave? Do they ever have to pack up? Do they wait till no one's on the corner and then they can go hide, take the makeup off. I've never seen one transition. I don't know. Yeah, I get. Those really creep me out.

[Chick McGee]

I. I not surprised.

[Tom Griswold]

I'm not surprised by that. Yeah, the silver guy. Yeah. Yeah. They can't break. They can't break. There's a gold guy, I think. Do you think it's a rookie mistake to be ace? A standing statue where eventually some old timer who does it for who's done it for 20 years goes, hey, you really want to find a bench? Standby. We're coming right back with Duke Tomato and the band playing outside in the parking lot. I'll tell you why, coming up next. Time now for the guy who would rather write songs than have sex. I got trying to write some music for that damn clown Johnny Cooper. Melanie. Little blue house. No, that ain't no good. He won't like that. Little green? No. How about white? No.

[Chick McGee]

Come to bed, baby.

[Tom Griswold]

In a minute. I'm working here. Little red houses.

[Chick McGee]

Come on, honey. I've got a brand new pink negligee to show you.

[Tom Griswold]

Pink? Little pink. You think. You think Johnny Cooper liked that? Little pink houses. Yeah, I like, like it.

[Chick McGee]

Come on. I come to bed.

[Tom Griswold]

Hang on, it's. I got another song idea. Something like CK XY usa. You think? Trying to keep it like that.

[Chick McGee]

Well, how about a little CK in the usa?

[Tom Griswold]

No, they'd never play that on the damn radio.

[Chick McGee]

Talking about the radio, honey? I'm talking about me and you. You together tonight.

[Tom Griswold]

You know, like a couple. Oh, yeah, a couple. That reminds me of other song I've been working on for that Johnny Cooper Little Diddy. About John and Diane. No, he'll never sing his own bills. Not no. You know that clown stole about half my songs, Mom.

[Chick McGee]

Fine. Forget it. I'm going to bed alone. You're on your own tonight.

[Tom Griswold]

That's it. That's it. On my own. A little dippy about Jack. Jack back and. And honey can do. Give me some coffee. Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee. This has been the guy who would rather write songs than have sex. This is the Bob and Tom Show. Welcome back. The best of the Bob and Tom show here on a Monday. This is Christopher in the Bob and Tom studios. Duke Tomato and the Band played in the parking lot, I guess back in 2021 because of the COVID 19 pandemic, didn't want anybody in the building spreading the disease. So we set him up outside one morning and here's the result. It's a very lively addition today because we have Duke Tomato in the power trio as the house band. I would say they're in the house, but they're actually outside the house. Certain legal restrictions require this building to be unoccupied by anybody but us, I guess. Do you remember Saturday night Live in the early years? It was Howard Shore and the all Nurse Band. They played. They played a Howard Shore edition early on Saturday night with Madeline Khan. That was laugh free. Yeah. Oh, really? Oh, God. Some of those not funny. Yeah. Don't hold up. It did not. Some of the bands wearing a mask and they look like the nurse band. It's Duchem on the power trio. Bill Ritter on the bass, James Hill on the keyboards, Joe Matics. And the drums do tomato guitar and vocals. And the. You sound great. Gentlemen. Oh, that sounds so good. Right now. I'll notice everybody. Ace Cosby is preparing his Ace Cosby joke of the day. There's Josh over there. That's Chick. I'm Tom in the big room. And then through the glass, it's Christy Lee in the performance studio now named the Navy Federal Credit Union newsroom. Willie Griswold is right over there in the formerly the Nuremberg room, trying to rename that. Pat Godwin's around the corner where the fight is made. Got a big crowd here.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah, we do.

[Tom Griswold]

There's a lot of people, including a Duke Tomato in the band. We'll get a song out of Duke in just a few minutes. Thank you very much, Duke. Now, let's see. I want to move on here. We've talked about a number of things. Father's Day coming up Sunday. Yeah. Donnie Baker talking about avoiding the potential of finding out he's a father of more than one.

[Chick McGee]

Right woman would want to claim that.

[Tom Griswold]

Donnie Baker, the bastard maker. A good name. Did Darth Vader ever pay any child support?

[Chick McGee]

I don't think so.

[Tom Griswold]

Just ask.

[Chick McGee]

No.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. Maybe they don't have child support in the future. Deadbeat. Darth. Your honor, I don't know. I've never met this woman. And we last left you. We just found a giant squid. Where was that? In South Africa.

[Chick McGee]

South Africa? Yeah. 660 pounds, 13ft long.

[Tom Griswold]

And I didn't realize those are super rare. So. So I was not. That's not the thing. Yeah. You never see them. I don't know that they've ever caught a live one. They only found them dead.

[Chick McGee]

Really?

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, they're very evasive. Must have taken a very powerful tide or elusive to wash that one in. Yeah, I'll say. Probably the biggest tide in South Africa since apartheid.

[Chick McGee]

Okay.

[Tom Griswold]

I don't know what to do with that. Didn't you want to do a show earlier called Tony Deaf? Didn't want to do that. Weren't you going to do that or listen? Unwoke? Yeah. Not suggesting I was in favor of it. I was just suggesting that you have to look at history with an African laundry detergent. That's hard. Hard. Clorox and apart. Did you know who did that? Oh, somebody did that. Yes. That's funny. Oh, gosh. Is it, though? Yeah. I'm a chick here. It's. Had his own talk show until a couple years ago. It'll come to me.

[Chick McGee]

I'm not here.

[Tom Griswold]

Montel Wood Williams. No. Morton Downey Jr. No. No. It'll come to me. He's gonna get really mad here any second. Okay. Phil Donahue. Keep going.

[Chick McGee]

Merv Griffin.

[Tom Griswold]

No. Ellen. Tom Snyder. Mike Douglas. Nope. Rosie? Black dude. Oh, oh. Arsenio Hall. Nope. Steve Harvey. Nope. Sorry. Magic Johnson. How did.

[Chick McGee]

Boone.

[Tom Griswold]

Black dude who had his own late night talk show. Yeah, briefly. Arsenio. Oh, George had one for a little bit. No. Lester Holt. Yeah. Don Lemon. 630. No Lemon. That's a great guess. It'll come to me. But thanks for bringing it up. Got teams of men. Thanks for bringing it up. Chris Rock had one on hbo. No. Oh, it's a guy. Never mind. I can actually. I can actually dig up a tape of it if you get. Wanda Sykes isn't a guy. Son of a gun. Let's go forward here. Duke, how's it going out in the parking lot? Time of my life. That's the line of the morning. Now, am I correct in saying the gig you're playing this weekend you will also be outside, Is that correct? That is correct. Yeah. There'll be a stage with proper lighting. There won't be. Yeah, there's. It's. It's a nice. It's very nice place. It's. It's. It's. You know, it's near Lake Michigan and it's. It's. We played there last year and it was. It was very nice. It's. And it's like a pavilion. I mean, the audience is outside, but they're under a roof. And it's a restaurant, too. And I Think that that's like one of those half. Half full things, you know? So I. We're doing two shows so I don't have to clear the house. Safe. Yeah, yeah. Or approximately safe. You know, these days you never know what the hell. Yeah, yeah. Who knows? I'm not. I'm not going to speculate on that. You make your own. You make your own decisions in life. I was wondering if you guys could. I'm very heavy. If you guys could grab Duke. If you could grab your guitar. I can see it there in the stand. I was thinking of a little bit of. One of my favorite songs of yours is called the Headphone. To get it. If I hadn't been high, which is. And high so much lately. Oh, yeah, yeah. As the. Well, we'll find out what's going on with the song. This is a song about intoxication, I think it's fair to say it's one of the classics from Duke, and I always enjoy hearing it. How deep you want me to go in this well? You might want to see if anybody wants to weigh in. Well, I'll get to. I'll get to that portion and then we'll. Okay. It's in a flat if you guys want to sing along at home.

[Chick McGee]

Oh, okay.

[Tom Griswold]

Sure. Great. Key Two. One, two, three, four. Woke up this morning feeling ashamed they tell me last night I did other bad things Everybody know I'm not that kind of guy Only did what I did if I hadn't have been high Went to a nightclub and I set up the house didn't pay the tabloid I just walk out the bartender no, I'm not that kind of guy Wouldn't have left without pain if I hadn't have been high jumping McCoy car speeded down the street what part of that was right behind me? Love it this morning just to be alive Would have driven that way if I hadn't been high hadn't been My girlfriend was with me when I left last night don't know how I came home with another man's wife Everybody know I'm not that kind of guy When I did what I did if I haven't been high. Trying to get in the door Woke up my neighbors Trying to get in the door Woke up my neighbors Trying to get in the door. 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4 I'm so embarrassed I was on the wrong floor My neighbor's not no, I'm not that kind of guy Wouldn't have did what I did if I hadn't have.

[Chick McGee]

Been high.

[Tom Griswold]

I wouldn't have did what I did. I wouldn't have did what I did. Have any of you ever been high? Really? You want to take this one?

[Chick McGee]

I don't know.

[Tom Griswold]

I wouldn't have. I don't do anything that embarrassing when I get high. I just. I order like 40 chicken. Chicken McNuggets at McDonald's for one when I get high. Yeah, but you wouldn't have did that. Oh, you wouldn't have did what you did. You know what about the time you fell out of that tree? I wasn't high when I fell out of the tree. I wish I was high. It would have been a better story if you were just uncoordinated, Detonated. I fell out of a tree. Swing. It's because my buddy Logan pushed me really high and I fell down. I broke. Oh, there we go. Josh. Got it. You broke your back. Do I need to call Logan's father to get those medical bills reimbursed?

[Chick McGee]

No.

[Tom Griswold]

I don't see how this is funny. I feel on the spot right now. Say it was funny. I like that. I think a lawsuit might be in order. Okay. I, of course, have been high many, many times.

[Chick McGee]

Huh?

[Tom Griswold]

In public places. Oh, boy. But strictly in the interest of science, I sacrificed myself to make a study of the phenomenon. I become the world's foremost expert. A self educated PhD in the field of high ology. And you guys aren't really providing much good material this morning. Tom set this bit up. Thought I would carry all the weight and then you guys would jump in. But apparently we have no jump ease. Well, Josh, I think you should tell Duke about what you did when you were high. To a young lady's bed. Oh, my Lord. Oh, boy. Oh boy. Good night A good old night Woke up in a fright this little lady this little miss her bed I surely did piss I didn't know Pissed in her bed it wouldn't have pissed in her bed if I hadn't been high if he hadn't been high Wouldn't have did what I did Wouldn't have did what I did if I hadn't been high all right, fellas. Yes, sir. See, it was well worth the Duke. Thank you very much. I can't even use it in the song for Christmas. I thought of a comedian's name. Oh, the apartheid bit was done by the great Larry Wilmore. Oh, sure. Yes. Yeah, he did that on our show 30 years ago. No kidding. Yeah, somewhere we have it on, probably on tape. Oh, he's a good dude. Brilliant. Oh, yeah. Had a talk show for a While he's great on the office. Larry Wilmore. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Re. Coming up. Christy, give me the. Give me the teaser.

[Chick McGee]

Oh, we have a lot of coming up. We have a strip club offering some outdoor dancing, but dancers aren't showing up.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, we'll find out. What if they had a strip club and no one came?

[Chick McGee]

Yeah, and.

[Tom Griswold]

Well, a lot of people do. That's why they go usually. There's a question coming up next hour for you, Bret. Ter heune and bread. I don't think a loaf of bread. We're talking the band bread next, though. Tom's hairspray troubles know. This is the Bob and Tom show. Welcome back to more of the best of the Bob and Tom show here on a Monday morning. This is Christopher in the Bob and Tom studios. Tom had trouble with his hairspray recently. I didn't know there was any hair to spray, but let's get the info on this anyway. Joshua over there. Hi. Post eclipse. I think the best thing about the eclipse. Yes, this will be good. No, seriously. It was like a couple hours where nobody Talked about Washington, D.C. so sick of hearing about it. I was just like, really? Let's. We can all focus on something really cool. Yeah, that was great. Until the news came out of the people in Washington, D.C. watching the eclipse. Yeah.

[Chick McGee]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Right back. Yeah. Unfortunately, the eclipse did not take out Washington, D.C. we're still shipping our money there. Any of you can stop me if anything I'm saying is false. Okay. So during the commercials, Tom walks into the studio.

[Chick McGee]

Something smelly in here.

[Tom Griswold]

I'm sorry. Apologize for the insecticide smell because I don't have my regular hairspray. I had to use a different brand.

[Chick McGee]

No, no, no. He said hair spritz.

[Tom Griswold]

Hair spritz. I had to use a different brand Hair spritz. This absolute brand spritz. And in the words of Elaine Bennis, you were bald. Okay, now I have a. If you don't put us a little bit of spritz on the sides. You look like one of those Russian diplomats during the Cold War. You know, some fat guy named Yuri with. With the. Unless you grow it out. Yeah, grow it out. Yeah. No, back me up. You're saying it gets a little Larry finish. Yeah, grow it out. Like a little spritz while I'm out of it. So there was a. There was a canister of it that I found in the building and it's. It smell. I found hairspray in the building. Yeah, it's. It smells like insecticide. Was it in the ladies room? No, it was over by my desk. I don't know whose it is.

[Chick McGee]

What the hell? You're just walking around people's desks and taking.

[Tom Griswold]

No, it was. It sounds like maybe it was inside. There's been women in your office.

[Chick McGee]

This.

[Tom Griswold]

And they. No, no, it wasn't in my office. Here. I cleaned yourself up, baby. Put some hairspray. I'll go get it during the next break. It's. But it really smells like insecticide. It's just awful.

[Chick McGee]

Your hair looks very nice.

[Tom Griswold]

Well, thank you very much, Chris. You're bold.

[Chick McGee]

Maybe you could grow a ponytail like mine. That would be cute.

[Tom Griswold]

Zero hair. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be a scarlet guy.

[Chick McGee]

Why not?

[Tom Griswold]

With the ponytail? No. You know that no one ever loses hair around their ears.

[Chick McGee]

They don't.

[Tom Griswold]

No one ever loses.

[Chick McGee]

Even.

[Tom Griswold]

Always even. Bald, bald, bald people. Other than, you know, chemotherapy. Unless you want to talk.

[Chick McGee]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Griswold]

But there's also. There's also. Remember, there's. There's that one comedian that doesn't have any hair at all, including eyelashes. And what's that called?

[Chick McGee]

Well, that's alopecia. That's different.

[Tom Griswold]

That sounds. Yeah, that is different. Although that sounds like a perfume. What's his name? Alopecia.

[Chick McGee]

No, that's the name of the disease.

[Tom Griswold]

Really. How are you? There's an American ninja warrior that has that. He's a. An inspiration to many. There you go. Well, in any event. Yeah. I wonder what kind of hair spritz he uses. Oh, I know. Because he's bald.

[Chick McGee]

Do you use a hair spritz?

[Tom Griswold]

No, I just get out. I brush it. Do you use. Do you use a groin area powder? No, I told you, I use fresh balls because I'm out. I'm out of my spray powder for that. I gotta go. It goes on like a lotion. It leaves as a powder.

[Chick McGee]

Balls.

[Tom Griswold]

No, I don't. No, everything's fine down there. I would think in your. Oh, boy, here we go. Corpulent state. No. Advanced obesity. Yeah, yeah. That's not how. No, I was trying to think of the right word. I would think it with your shaven. He's not shaved. He likes because he talked about. He's done.

[Chick McGee]

Did anybody get the Eclipse video that I got yesterday?

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, is this the one that has the sack? Yeah.

[Chick McGee]

And thank you, whoever sent that. Listener. You know who you are. Somebody did it to me by half.

[Tom Griswold]

That showed it to us.

[Chick McGee]

Well, somebody did send it to me by mistake and then apologized and said that wasn't for you. And I did get it from.

[Tom Griswold]

I was just thinking, you don't have to. With all of the grooming that you do down there, you don't want to have a little powder down there to keep things fresh and. No, I mean, things don't get too out of. Really. Okay. Yeah.

[Chick McGee]

That's what made me think of it, because that guy needed a pan.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, he did. There is an actual powder called fresh balls. Right. That's what I use. It goes on like a lotion, lets leaves as a powder. I use a spray, but I'm out of that, so. So I had to use the powder cold.

[Chick McGee]

That'll wake you up, doesn't it?

[Tom Griswold]

It is a little bit cold, yeah. Yeah. Did you ever make the mistake of using the Gold Bond methylated powder? Well, that'll get you up in the morning. Only three hours ago. Yeah, that's what I did this morning. Yeah. Boy, that tingles.

[Chick McGee]

Because that's all he had.

[Tom Griswold]

Maybe because they've got the cream. You squirt it in your hands, and then I'm surprised you don't have, like, turns into powder. Some Indian boy who's in charge of all your bathroom toiletries. I Haji. Why don't you?

[Chick McGee]

Is that what happened to Haji?

[Tom Griswold]

Haji, my ball powder. I'll be right with you, Mr. Grease. I'm making you my ball powder. I'm mentalating your ball powder right now. I've got a. I've got a. Do you ever go to the drugstore to see the one person that has the cart? You know what? We all have. I've got to go do that. We don't do anything. You do, so don't ask. I have to get the cart and go get all this new spray because this hairspray is driving me. You use a cart in the drugstore.

[Chick McGee]

Use a cart at the drugstore.

[Tom Griswold]

Like once a year year, I go in and I buy, you know, four things of soap. And you know what? We didn't have 12 packs for this. None of us do this. We didn't have to. No. No. Okay, well, you go to the drugstore, you get a couple things. You get your pills.

[Chick McGee]

Yes, you get your pills.

[Tom Griswold]

But every once in a while, you want to go in there and just go down the aisles and look around and go, oh, look, those gigantic band aids. I need one of those. But every six months I get one of those guys and. All right, well, so you do have ball pull powder on them today. Well, it's powder now. When I was a lotion. Yeah, that's that's weird. But I. It's the green. The green bottle, which is the mentholated, which just. Wow. That electrifies your. So what happens if you don't use it? It stays. As long as the air doesn't hit it, it stays. If it's humid and, you know, you're wearing a pair of jeans, it can get a little. But the one thing I've noticed, and I've used first walls, cheesy, if you will.

[Chick McGee]

You don't get clammy down there.

[Tom Griswold]

Clam cheese. Whatever you want. I mean, I just. But I don't. It dries a little ring around the nipple where the liquid comes out, like when you. The first squeeze. It's like a ketchup bottle. You've got that disgusting.

[Chick McGee]

Oh, you're talking lotion.

[Tom Griswold]

Not his own nipples. You don't lotion up the nips, do you? Of course you do. You lotion off your nips. Do you have fresh nips? I don't have a lot of moisture around my nips. You don't have ashy nipples, do you? Let me ask you this, Christy. You wear. You occasionally wear a little bit of perfume. I know there's a. There's a no perfume roll.

[Chick McGee]

There's a no perfume roll. I wear perfume anywhere but here because.

[Tom Griswold]

Josh is terribly allergic to it and I can't stand it. So where do you place the perfume? Well, say you're going on a date. Things are looking good. You shave your legs, right? What is it?

[Chick McGee]

The spray? I spray it all in my closet and then walk through it.

[Tom Griswold]

What's your. What is it? Bitter? Is that the perfume?

[Chick McGee]

Oh, bitter. That's it, yes.

[Tom Griswold]

Frigid. By.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah, that's me.

[Tom Griswold]

Unbearable.

[Chick McGee]

Nicole Kidman is my new best friend.

[Tom Griswold]

Hi, I'm Nicole Kidman. You're unbearable. Hi. From the makers of kund. I'm Tilda Swindon.

[Chick McGee]

Not like that.

[Tom Griswold]

I. Physical. I'm k.

[Chick McGee]

I was gonna say man.

[Tom Griswold]

Permafrost.

[Chick McGee]

I am far from that. No, I'm the opposite.

[Tom Griswold]

It's permafrost.

[Chick McGee]

No, but the key is to spray it in the air.

[Tom Griswold]

Not so fun. We're making fun of you, isn't it? Yeah, not nearly as fun. Okay, okay. It's like a cold cheeseburger in the refrigerator. Break up. Break open a pot of. Sorry, Per. No matter what you do. Pera. Wow.

[Chick McGee]

That went somewhere.

[Tom Griswold]

That started off really badly and went south. That'll be. That'll be about. So the. The point is. Yes, I'm out of my little hairspray so I gotta get.

[Chick McGee]

What, what brand do you use? You don't even know, do you?

[Tom Griswold]

It's a black can. I recognize it when I see it. And the weird thing is I had like three of them, gigantic ones and they all went out in the course of a couple of weeks.

[Chick McGee]

It's a Tresma. I bet it's Tresma. You look like a Tresma.

[Tom Griswold]

I don't know. It's a black. It's a black can. It looks like Arasala. Yeah, yeah, the pump kind. You don't care about the environment, huh? No, I don't because I'll be dead. Then the pump kind, it coagulates in the spritzer part and then after like a few weeks it clogs up and doesn't work anymore. How about black ice? I'm looking up black hairspray, but I know high beams. I think it's some French name I'll.

[Chick McGee]

Recognize Tresma, I guarantee. That's because that's a guy. You're not the only guy know that's used.

[Tom Griswold]

Okay, the point being this stuff that I have on now stinks. I'll go get the can during the break and show you. Oh, some of this black hairspray has. Is that spray on hair stuff topic with a K, T, O, P, P, I, K. I don't know what that is. You spray it on your bald spot. It's almost like spray painting your head. Yeah.

[Chick McGee]

Oh yeah, you should do that.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, that's a swell idea. You know, it just adds to the hair you have on the top. You're bold. Coming up next on this Monday morning, some listener letters. And guitar man from Bread is next on the Bob and Tom show. This is the Bob and Tom Show. This is Christopher here in the O'Reilly Auto Parts studios. Think O'Reilly Auto Parts for all your car care needs. Get the parts and service you need fast from the professional parts people at O'Reilly Auto Parts. Some listener letters coming up and little discussion about the band Bread. Letters, letters. We'll grab some of the some of our mail here. Apparently there was a moment on yesterday's show there was some confusion about song. This is comes to us from TS who points out that every time he sends an email I mentioned TSL Elliott. Yeah, makes sense. Born in St. Louis, I believe. Famous American poet. He said I. Every time you read my name, you always mentioned tsl. So I finally had to look him up because I had no idea who he was. Oh, in a weird way, probably most famous for the Broadway show Cats Being based on his. One of his odd little side things. But more importantly, the Waste Land or the Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock. It's long hair stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Better self reading that today. It's a little thick. A break. He goes. My new favorite line from the show yesterday. Someone said, I believe this may have been Chick McGee. That's night. Excuse me. I want to get the line right.

[Chick McGee]

Okay.

[Tom Griswold]

That's not the right guitar man, you idiot. Yeah. Oh, Guitar Man. I think that was you. What? No, no, you. Maybe it was me. Yeah. Maybe it wasn't. The Jerry Reed version. Yeah. There's a great Elvis song, Guitar man that has Jerry Reed on guitar. Yeah. And I think that was added after the fact, actually.

[Chick McGee]

But we were talking about Guitar man from Bread.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. He was fishing and they found him fishing and he came in the studio. Yeah. This is the. This is the Elvis. There's Jerry. It's amazing. Jerry was very good. His guitar player couldn't do that. So somebody said, get the guy who played it and wrote it, Jerry Reed. They found him fishing like a day later. He came in and his waiters and played the. Played the guitar. Wow, what a. He was great. Now I love that Tim Wilson song also. Maybe we can dig that up. I was going to say I spent, I don't know, it seemed like four days in a car once with Tim Wilson. Told me everything I wanted to know about Jerry Reed. I feel like I've studied a. Had a Jerry Reed course. And Jerry Reed is I. I think most famous for. Oh, Smoking the Bandit. Yeah, he's the Snowman man. Yeah, yeah. Him and Fred in the. In the. In the semi. Yeah, but hang on to your ass. Fred.

[Chick McGee]

A beagle.

[Tom Griswold]

Fred Basset.

[Chick McGee]

That's right.

[Tom Griswold]

And. And we were discussing the song Guitar Men, but you are actually talking about the one. Is that a David Gates? Yeah, that's David Gates. Yeah. I don't think David Gates had but one hit at as David Gates. And I forget what it was right now. I'd have to think.

[Chick McGee]

I'll look it up.

[Tom Griswold]

Okay. He.

[Chick McGee]

Bro.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. He went so solo egomaniac. And it didn't go well other than one song, I think. And. But we got into this discussion and Josh made an interesting point, a critical point that I. And I admired very much. I believe it involves another band. No. Known as Air Supply. Do you recall your. Your thought? Yes. The first time Air Supply heard Bread, they said, who are these?

[Chick McGee]

He did Goodbye Girl.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, that's right. Yeah. Oh, okay.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. With Richard Dreyfus.

[Chick McGee]

Successful single as a solo artist. Goodbye.

[Tom Griswold]

I love that movie.

[Chick McGee]

That's a good movie.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, that's a great. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Where he plays Richard iii. I don't really remember it. And the guy from I heard so many the Jeffersons is the director. He's terrific. I guess Richard Dreyfus was absolutely impossible on the set. I don't know. Is it Marsha Mason? Who? Yeah, yeah. Marcia Mason. Yeah. Mrs. So long as I've seen that. But. Well, thank you very much for the letter, Tim, and I'm glad we've enlightened you about T.S. eliot and. But TTS by the way, his actual name is Tim. Thank you very much. Now, I thought we'd play a little short thing from Tim Wilson. For those of you familiar with Jerry Reed, I think you'll enjoy this. Like Jerry Reed. God just didn't bless her with the vocal cords she needs. She looks like Cindy Crawford, but that ain't the way she sounds. When we make love I keep hearing eastbound and down. I work 60 hours a week and I bring home my check. And she says, son, you got to take me out somewhere and throw some groceries down my neck. So I took her to a fancy restaurant. She looked down her nose and said, now why don't we stop at a choke and puke for some grilled cheese sandwiches? I married a woman. Talk like Jerry Reed ought to be on the COVID Playboy. Cause that body's guaranteed. She talks just like that guitar man that crawled out of a swamp. But thataloosiana low won't save you, son. When I knock you in the head with a stomp. She thinks my name is Amos when she ain't calling me son. Amos. Son, I'm under stress. Let's go somewhere there's fun. So I flew her to Europe and I spent 10,000 bucks. She told me I oughta have had more fun thumbing a ride on Overload. A poultry truck. Yeah. So good. Love songs. Little tribute to Jerry Reed. Thank you very much. Throw some groceries down my neck. We were inquiring about the tallest listener we might have. Oh, yeah. I think we got up to six, nine. Well, this may beat it. Okay. Good morning, everyone. I'm the tallest listener at 8. 3. Oh, come on. Believe him. When I'm able to find an open WI Fi and stay hidden, I will listen for hours. Your biggest fan, Sasquatch from the Pacific Northwest. Well, there you go. I think that contest is over. With this kind of credibility, we should be doing a political show. Dear Bob and Tom, my son Had a Tom. Can't find the word moment. We need to come up with a name for that. Tom Pal. Malaprop. A Tom Malaprop. Whatever. No, it's. You create words when you can't think of something. You. I guess Tom speaks. Okay, a quick description of it. My son was about 5 years old or watching a parade. Many antique cars were passing by, and one car in particular was driven by a man wearing a cowboy hat. My son exclaimed, look at that man wearing a horsey helmet. Yes. How about that? Perfectly valid Brandy from Kentucky. Perfectly valid. All right.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

How's your cowboy hat coming? Or to a soccer game yesterday? You did, right there on the sidelines. Yep. All right. I wore the.

[Chick McGee]

The straw one because it's still warm. Check local.

[Tom Griswold]

Did anybody come up and say, hey, what's going on? Text or anything like that? Oh, of course. Then I. But it's a really easy way to shut them down when you explain, well, skin cancer. Oh, well, even though I only have the basil, so I don't think. Oh, God. Shuts him right up. What a rocking tour. Great conversation. No, I. I don't know anything about horses, but, you know, I. I'm. Tom has a common touch. He really knows how to connect with people. Kennedy had it. And see, in a conversation, you feel bad now I could have cancer, huh? Go suck it, pal. Okay. Just warning people out there, you got to be girl. Stay out of the sun. Dear Bob and Top show. I can't believe you guys talked about Joey Buttafuko the other day, either, can I? Yeah, I couldn't either. I'm with you. Without having Christy Lee do her fabulous Mary Jo Butafuko impersonation. What did it sound like? Well, remember, the story is that Amy came over to the Buttafuko's because she was in love with Joey.

[Chick McGee]

Right.

[Tom Griswold]

And Mary Jo answered the door, and Amy shot her in the face. Right, right.

[Chick McGee]

Running drawn. Right there.

[Tom Griswold]

Are these people all still alive? Mary Jo had a go. Funny jaw after that. Because you get shot in the face, your jaw's not gonna go back. I don't know who's around still and who isn't. That was slimy ugliness. Yeah, that was. That was requested by Ramon in Orlando, Florida. We had a lot of letters from Ramon. Ramon's a good man.

[Chick McGee]

Both Joey and Mary Jo are still alive.

[Tom Griswold]

Are they still together?

[Chick McGee]

No. Oh, I don't believe so, no.

[Tom Griswold]

Well. And Amy must be out there somewhere. She's doing some movies.

[Chick McGee]

He remarried to someone else. Ivanka. He married an Ivanka.

[Tom Griswold]

Okay, now is. Man, I. I'd give a thousand dollars if that was Ivanka Trump. I don't know. Why would that be so weird? That would be unbelievable. No, no, I think it would be believable, kinda. That could. That could have happened. Happened? Did. Did she go to prison? I think she did. Of course, Amy did serve some time.

[Chick McGee]

Both of them did. Didn't he go for a year or so?

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, yeah, he ran a body shop. Remember that?

[Chick McGee]

But if you shoot somebody married to.

[Tom Griswold]

A guy named Lou, shoot somebody in the face. I think maybe jail might be appropriate for a while. Yeah. What do you think? Yeah, you shot me in the face, dummy. Steve Buscemi. Are we square?

[Chick McGee]

She wrote a book.

[Tom Griswold]

Book. Oh, I missed that one. Oh, yeah. Amy or Mary Jo?

[Chick McGee]

Amy Fisher. My story.

[Tom Griswold]

Well, you know what? We shouldn't say anything until we get her size, right?

[Chick McGee]

Yeah, that's right.

[Tom Griswold]

Might be the great American novel. You don't know. Back to our letters. This is from Michael. I've been listening since the last century. What we used to call the 1900s. I remember those days. You know, punk, Wi Fi. I was a marine station at Camp Pendleton, California. All right, we'll have to tell Han when he gets here. My buddy and I were out drinking. We wound up in a fight in the parking lot. All right. Ultimately, I knocked the guy out cold in the process. He broke my nose. We got back in my buddy's car and left. I started sneezing uncontrollably. There was blood everywhere. His wife was not too happy about the car. Oh, man, I can't imagine. Imagine? That was the letter. What's that? We were talking about exciting sneeze stories.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah, I threw my sneeze story away because it was so disgusting, I couldn't read it.

[Tom Griswold]

I was in my ninth grade science class, dead quiet, taking a test. A girl in our class started out a so called wind up sneeze. That's the one. Classic. I've never done that. She did the and released a massive fart. I love when that. The whole class was laughing. She had to go out in the hall. Every time they tried to bring her back to take the test, the laughter started again. They finally made her take the test in the hallway. Wow. Eric, thank you. This is an actual Tom Griswold sneeze recorded live one morning. Oh, whoa. Yeah, that's a big one. Non embellished. I've had better ones than that. I believe I was recording some commercials behind my back. No, I think the recording device was down the hallway and it just happened to pick ambient sound from the from the room. Led Zeppelin drum session. You can hear you sneezing out on the Dear Bob and Tom show. You never did get around to playing Brad's Baby I' ma want you. Now this is a song that both Josh and I despise because it's the the Lawrence Welk delivery. A one and a two. Baby I'm a fits the flavor the melody feeling. I' ma want you. Is he talking to a baby? Listen to that voice. If I said. If I said baby I' ma want you to Kelly. I would. I wouldn't have time to pack a suitcase. Yeah, I know. I might have missed my house too. Boom. I don't want to know the woman who wants to be talked to that way.

[Chick McGee]

If you grew up at a certain time Sweet song that you would slow down.

[Tom Griswold]

Bastard. One of these days I just I want to be around if either one of you ever are just true love kicks you right between them. Nothing has ever sucked harder than that song. Maybe amazing. Wonderful one no. What do you mean? It's wonderful right from the start. Start. You never question. What card is that? Is that a C as in crap? I hope everyone heard Josh's already garbage right out of the gate. And it's got the sappy strings that kick in there at the end.

[Chick McGee]

Did you guys didn't have a heart.

[Tom Griswold]

Are you kidding me? I You know I, I. I probably love romance more in this room. Oh. Years behind Christy. I'm. I'm. I think I'm the most romantic. Yeah. I'm gonna we'll each give you we'll get together 20 bucks each.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

If you say this to anyone in the next month. How are we going to check that you Josh is He's the most honest of any of okay. So I want you in some situation without. Without being sarcastic to say baby I'mma want you while While horizon on him. So this could be an encounter with some. She goes. Baby, I'm believing nobody. Nobody. When that song was popular nobody thought what the hell is that? You never questioned it. I can't wait for that song to come on again. I love that song and you know my point of view on lyrics. I think Papa Umau MAU are perfectly valid lyrics. Baby I'mma want you. No. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah. I think bread had like 10 number one hits. I'm not saying they weren't popular. I'm not great. Those guys were all session guys. Whatever. I know there's some sort of seedy underbelly that you want to ruin bread for me. It's fine. Wait a minute. It's okay. Ruin bread. I love bread. I do, too. Brett's greatest hits, man. On the way to wild Wildwood, New Jersey, one summer. Damn right I played it over. Well, you know, I don't know if you know this or not, but David Gates, well, he only had a penis. I'm not sure if you knew that. That's Carol K on bas cut off in a bread box. Well, they. They wanted to have five letters so it could be wordle. The original name of the band was suck. What I want make it with you. I hate. This is even worse. Just keeps coming. Remember when make make it meant hey, you want to make it meant sex. It was so disgusting. And there was the song. Making it try really, really. Reaching out for the other side means nothing. And I feel garbage. Yeah. Wait, I just tried playing it into AI and it said, please turn this crap off. Garbage says we can do better. Red is garbage. Okay, I'm sorry. Where are we? You heartless bastard. I have lost my place. Okay? My childhood. I need to know from someone that is experienced with medical stuff post operative. A week. A week after I feel like I got my hernia taken out. This is a serious question. A week after I need an anesthesiologist to weigh in. A week after surgery, should one be having extraordinarily erotic dreams? Erotic, Yes. I. I'm not. I don't want to hear this. I don't want to hear this.

[Chick McGee]

I don't want to hear this.

[Tom Griswold]

I don't want to think you had. Something else is going. I. I mean, it is this unbelievable series of bizarre porno movies. I'm waking up in the middle of it going, okay, we'll wrap things up here on a Monday morning with comedian Bret Ter Heune in studio. So come on back for that. This is the Bob and Tom Show. Thanks for joining us on this Monday morning. This is the best of the Bob and Tom show. And this is Christopher here in the Bob and Tom studios. Here's a segment with comedian Brett Terhue. A close circuit to Mike. Mark, if you could bring the coffee pot in here and refresh me, please. There's Ace Cosby. Really?

[Chick McGee]

Did you forget to get your coffee during the break?

[Tom Griswold]

I did. I didn't get a chance to urinate it yet. Well, but wait till next break. I'm Chick McGee at the sports desk. Here's Tom Griswold. Thank you very much. Chop chop, Mark. Joining us in the studio, comedian Brent Terhune is here with us. Hello. Brent has a very healthy, thick, red beard. Every time. Healthy beard. It's nice. Back to Christy in the interview. See, a lot of people think, why does. Why does Tom say the things he does? Why? Why? They're. They're just so. It's like. It's not what he says. It's how often he says the same thing. That's the problem in any. Everybody knows he has a big beard.

[Chick McGee]

And I have good news for you.

[Tom Griswold]

The.

[Chick McGee]

Apparently, the Packer cheese bra is a thing that. That lady was not a one off.

[Tom Griswold]

Okay?

[Chick McGee]

So if you're a Packer fan, that's a bunch of pictures of ladies wearing.

[Tom Griswold]

Them, much like the cheese heads. You can get Cheese Brad. Less popular. The cheese dick. Well, I'm glad. They're kind of like those foam fingers. You just kind of left it up to us. What you were saying. Sort of a long cheese wheel you don't see.

[Chick McGee]

Hated that picture, didn't you?

[Tom Griswold]

More of a jock strap, really. Right. Yeah. You could have said cheese balls. Those are actually.

[Chick McGee]

You think that would turn my husband on? He's a Packer fan. If I wore a cheese bra.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, I thought you were gonna say if you wore a cheese. I don't know how much you peg, but that would be. I think. I think he would laugh. Yeah, he's got a good sense of humor. Check out these Havard. Thank you. Thank you. Now, welcome to the show. Brent's always a pleasure to see you. Hello. Good to see everybody once again. Josh never. Just talking with you about his mom's dog. Yes. I'm glad she's going to be able to keep her dog, which is good news. Very good news. Yeah, there was. Yeah, I was on my.

[Chick McGee]

Was there an issue?

[Tom Griswold]

A landlord issue, not a health issued about this whole thing? Yeah. You're saying they can keep the dog. Well, okay. I mean, it was an off air conversation. Of course it was.

[Chick McGee]

Haven't you learned by now? Nothing.

[Tom Griswold]

It's fine that it's on the air. Except for that. Except for that it's boring. Yeah. Josh, you were. You were telling me your Social Security number. Off air. Say that, right? No, you're. You're a cat guy, right? Cat guy.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

I just got my. My mom's cat. Thanks for bringing that up, Willie. She died, but no, your cat died. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's fine. His mom died. Nothing. Nothing sad. Like his cat. I'm so. I think Josh is the only one with an alive mom in here. Yeah, we're just not allowed to talk about her brother. Just Brad. Weren't you living at your mom's house? I was. Well, she was living with me. It was her house, and she paid the bills, but she was living with me. Did she die right there in the. Oh, my God. Yeah. Right in the. Just right in the chalk outline is where she. That's convenient. How wonderful a woman she was. Have to draw. Well, I don't want to make a fuss. Well, Josh, earlier you were talking about you. You hate Siri on your phone, right? Yeah, I just don't use it. Yeah, then they were people. Well, Tom, people said, you should get the jitterbug. We got that from my mom for a little while. How'd she like it? No, she hated it. Yeah, but. Well, forever. She had that flip phone, and then she stopped selling drugs, so we got her the iPhone. She said, I just want to get out of the games. It is tough out there. Yeah, but like, you, you would just walk into her house because she couldn't hear. That's why we got the new phone. And as soon as you walk in, it was just a barrage of daytime TV at the loudest volume possible. Bad credit. No credit. You're proof. Have you or loved one been injured in an accident? Call me, daytime TV lawyer. I'll get you the money you deserve because it's my money, and I need it now. 588-2-300. Carpet store today. What you need to do is get your butt back into rehab. You need to stop drinking that water. Camp Lejeune from 1972 next Tuesday because you may be entitled to a settlement. It's my money, and I need it now. Case of little mesothelioma. You are not the father. Jerry. Vaginal mesh. Do not wash your vaginal mesh in the water from Camp lejune. Did you go get the clap on? Clap off. Oh, that's fantastic. Yes, A lot of trauma. I have hearing loss from hearing aid commercials. That's how it went. Sorry to hear about your mom. Thank you. Thanks for bringing that up. I think we could have just. I could have just been on down the road, but you had to go back to it. I asked about a cat. I didn't. You understand why. Here we are again. Josh, you're talking about your mom's dog. And I got my mom's cat. Very nice. Now we have my. My one cat. Her name was still Marge. And then now we have a homer. We have a Homer and Marge. Oh, cool. Cat at our house, so. And, like, whether you're a cat or dog person, I think we can all agree nothing wakes you up quicker in the morning than how was that sound on an alarm on our phones by now I don't know how I'm gonna get but 4:37. I'm awake. Brett Terhune is our guest.

[Chick McGee]

Speaking of the Midwest, Midwesterners are suffering an exceptionally brutal heat wave this week.

[Tom Griswold]

I ain't buying it.

[Chick McGee]

Thanks to a phenomenon known as corn sweat.

[Tom Griswold]

It's corn. It's been. That's. That's the great, great James Brown song, Corn Sweat.

[Chick McGee]

He has a song about it.

[Tom Griswold]

He sure does. Damn. It's been stepped on twice. Oh, that's cold sweat.

[Chick McGee]

Sweat. Okay.

[Tom Griswold]

Are you. Are you buying this?

[Chick McGee]

I have never heard this.

[Tom Griswold]

Why would we doubt it?

[Chick McGee]

Heat advisories have been issued throughout the Midwest due to a wave of. Wave of high atmospheric pressure bringing in hot, humid weather from a southern Gulf stream states the Milwaukee.

[Tom Griswold]

Which one are those, Tom? Southern golf states. Real quick. New Orleans. That's not. New Orleans is a city, you illiterate moral. I didn't know. You didn't tell me. Golf states like Florida and Georgia where they play golf.

[Chick McGee]

Or. Sure, there, that works.

[Tom Griswold]

Or Alabama, Your Florida Georgia line. Mississippi.

[Chick McGee]

The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reports that the heat wave is exasperated by a phenomenon called evapotranspiration or simply corn sweat. Sweat.

[Tom Griswold]

Corn sweat. What is it? What's it called? Evapotransportation.

[Chick McGee]

It occurs.

[Tom Griswold]

No. No, it isn't. I wanted you to play cold sweat, not try to speak like James Brown. But thanks for. You madman. Ask me again. No. All right. What is it? What's it called? Tom in a cold sweat. Tight.

[Chick McGee]

Corn sweat. Evapotranspiration occurs when water in the cracks.

[Tom Griswold]

Somebody do the news. Agreed. I don't understand what. Evapotransportation or whatever the hell. You don't see me making these mistakes on the sports desk. I am Mr. Smooth. So this is a real thing? Yeah.

[Chick McGee]

According to this news story, it occurs when water in the crack crops naturally evaporates into the atmosphere. But this process.

[Tom Griswold]

Water and the crop.

[Chick McGee]

What is your problem?

[Tom Griswold]

Something happened?

[Chick McGee]

I thought you were sick.

[Tom Griswold]

Go home. I'm so mad. You're being such a dick. Oh, I've had on with all of you. Between him telling me things that baby knows and. I'm sorry. I'll be quiet.

[Chick McGee]

It occurs when the water in the crops naturally evaporates, Increases the humidity in the areas that produce the highest quantities of our nation's corn. Thus Iowa, which made me think of this. The increase in humidity Leads to higher heat indexes, causing temperatures, indices, indices to.

[Tom Griswold]

Indelap land in seas everywhere. There we go. Please. I'm now in some more quiet moments with James. Just never forget that there's water in the crops. And the water in the crops. I love how every week on this show there's a video of so and so finally snapped. It has become weekly. It is. We can't say finally. Yeah. It has to be again.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

I can't say a. It's so and so.

[Chick McGee]

It may be a discomfort to us, but corn sweat is a sign of healthy crops.

[Tom Griswold]

Okay. So.

[Chick McGee]

So there you go.

[Tom Griswold]

Gotcha. Jesus. Sounds like. Sounds like a hillbilly rap song. Corn sweat. Yeah. Got the corn sweats. Sheila got the corn sweats. You got to take these.

[Chick McGee]

Really?

[Tom Griswold]

It's. There's a tricky balance of me wanting to know what you mean meant by that joke and not wanting to hear you do the voice. You said she done got the course. Sheila. Sheila got this Australian. Sheila's in the shed. You know, I don't want to get too political here, but I was seeing all these political signs on the side of the road, and my favorite I've seen yesterday was just said sweet corn. So I'm finally voting for that person.

[Chick McGee]

Sweet corn.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. Didn't even have a date on it. I'm just gonna put vote every year.

[Chick McGee]

It's the best dollar a dozen this time of year.

[Tom Griswold]

Has anybody ever gone. I don't want to get political here, but vote for Kamala Harris. Thank you, John. All right, well, I said that's fairly, fairly, fairly political. Even though you. Mine was a reference to non political things since the humor, John. I understand. Do I have to come on here every six months of just school up people? Oh, my gosh. You finally snapped. Finally. Yeah. Now, Josh, you get meat sweats as opposed to corn sweats. I have gotten the meat sweats before. Meat sweats? Yeah. Is that a thing or. I only really have had them once, and it was at one of those Brazilian steakhouses where they come around where you have to have, like, the thing. It's like the red. It's hard. Yeah. Like, keep feeding me or don't feed me.

[Chick McGee]

Right.

[Tom Griswold]

Keep stuffing me full. I can't. I can't. My mouth is so full it's showing green. Just keep feeding me.

[Chick McGee]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

And Brazilian steakhouse means it's no pubic hair, so. That's exactly right. They shave all the meat before.

[Chick McGee]

That's nice.

[Tom Griswold]

Well, that's good to know. Yeah. Well, that's good to know. You see the Brazilian. Why'd you say that twice? Oh gosh, you didn't have to say it twice. Well, go ahead, Tom. What else you got? Mate, with Brent here, I feel like I invited my friend over in the middle of my parents divorce, right? Why are mom and dad fighting all the time? Never did get that coffee, Mark. And there you have a break. Let's see somebody else. This is the Bob and Tom show. The United States Soccer Federation presents the U. S Soccer podcast. This is the show where we bring you in depth inside interviews with U.S. soccer stars. This time, Sam Coffey.

[Chick McGee]

The World cup is in two years.

[Tom Griswold]

Is it time yet?

[Chick McGee]

Like can we get back in into camp?

[Tom Griswold]

Tim Ream. We're going to continue to show other countries we're not going to be pushed around. And Jedi Robinson, every time you come back and you put the jersey on, it means more and more each time. So we'll be back here with all the best stories. The U.S. soccer Podcast. We've got a lot to talk about. Follow and listen on your favorite platform.