The BOB & TOM Show - December 30, 2025

Summary

The BOB & TOM Show – December 30, 2025

Overview

This episode of The BOB & TOM Show blends the usual upbeat mix of comedy, news, pop culture commentary, and guest segments. The crew covers a wild range of topics including food habits, pop linguistics, bedroom turn-offs, bizarre modern health trends, and features recurring comedians and comedic impressions. The tone is irreverent, playful, and loaded with quick-witted banter, occasional innuendo, and running gags.

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Main Themes & Segments

1. Comedic Skits & Food Chat

• [00:00–01:43] Opening Skit: Mock commercial for “Senor Moments,” a fictional Mexican restaurant for the elderly, featuring classic wordplay and generational jibes.
• [02:09–08:40] Food & Nutrition Banter:
  • Tom discusses studies about nuts improving sperm health, riffing on trail mix, bagged nuts, and pre-cut fruit.
  • Light-hearted debate about pre-bagged snacks vs. pre-cut fruit.
  • Mockery of modern lingo, e.g., “bust a nut” as hip terminology.

Notable Quote

• Tom: “I see you having a handful of nuts and maybe some warm milk. And then right off to sleepland.” (02:18)

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2. Mr. Peanut & Pop Culture Oddities

• [06:10–07:40] Peanut Mascot Lore:
  • Revelations about Mr. Peanut's origins (created by 14-year-old Antonio Gentile).
  • Running joke about Mr. Peanut’s bachelor status and his full, aristocratic-sounding name: “Bartholomew Richard Fitzgerald Smyth.”

Notable Quote

• Tom: “Mr. Peanut wears a monocle because he doesn’t have ears.” (10:41)

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3. Buying Houses & Ghostly Encounters

• [08:42–10:16] New Homeowner Stories:
  • The discussion meanders into sharing stories about buying houses, quirky neighbors, and random nostalgia-seekers knocking on doors.
  • Light ghostly references, complete with speculation about good/bad vibes left by previous tenants.

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4. Top 10 Bedroom Turnoffs Segment

• [13:06–26:35] Survey-based Comedy:
  • Breakdown and mockery of a list of “Top 10 Passion Killers for Men.”
  • Delving into topics like insecurity, pets in the bedroom, noise, technique, cheating, lack of initiation, and more.

Notable Quotes

• Tom: “Am I on the right end of this penis?” (17:22)
• Bob: “Number nine, pets in the bedroom. We got to that earlier.” (17:30)
• Tom: “You ever get kissed by someone who kisses like a mason jar?” (18:29)
• Christy (sarcastic favorite): “Breakfast in bed is like the world’s worst idea.” (22:19)

Memorable Moment

• The extended riff about “food in bed” evolves into an absurd tangent on rotisseries, crock pots, and leftovers as bedroom accessories [27:52].

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5. Old TV, Mitch Miller, and Comedy Roast

• [43:20–52:07] Nostalgia Comedy:
  • Guests and hosts lampoon musical TV of the 1960s, especially “Sing Along with Mitch.”
  • Tongue-in-cheek references to racially insensitive content in old TV, contrasted with modern sensibilities.
  • Skits and parody songs about outdated gender roles and offensive “jokes” from that era.

Notable Quote

• Tom: “Touching little boys. Oh, you’re blaming me? …That’s how bad television was.” (48:17)

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6. Donnie Baker’s Holiday Dating Advice Skits

• [53:36, 134:55]
  • Donnie shares irreverent New Year’s Eve dating tips, tips for picking up women, and family rants.
  • Returns with “holiday tips” and “dating scene” advice, blending blue-collar humor and Midwestern bluster.

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7. Comedian Visit: James Adomian & Steve Simone

• [57:20–68:00] Impressions & Stand-up Stories:
  • James Adomian cycles through celebrity impressions (Paul Giamatti, Sam Elliott, etc.).
  • Observations about the challenge of impersonating celebrities in today’s fractured media landscape.
  • Chat about wrestling fandom, living in LA, and the realities of showbiz.

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8. Tom Speak: Translating Tom Griswold’s Vocabulary

• [76:32–85:47] Running Gag:
  • The team playfully unpacks Tom’s unique terms (“fun hut” = bouncy house, “ninja frisbee” = throwing star, “aggressively naked,” etc.).
  • Laughter about Tom’s creative renaming of common items, confirming his reputation for odd but vivid language.

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9. Frank Caliendo & Greg Hahn in the Studio

• [86:30–91:30+] Live Energy, Improv Bits:
  • Frank and Greg riff on challenges performing at corporate events, touring, and the peculiarities of their acts.
  • Meta-commentary about comedy and set-up/bombing situations.

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10. Do’s and Don’ts of First Dates

• [96:28–108:33]
  • Articles on where flirting is appropriate (bars, apps—okay; funerals, doctor’s office—not okay).
  • Mock “roast beef” pick-up lines and debates on splitting the bill or using coupons for dates.
  • Sociological discussion on romantic signals and places.

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11. Scientific & Weird News

• [108:33–113:01]
  • Report on the biological drive behind men’s fascination with breasts, and cross-cultural differences.
  • Extended riff on “motor-boating,” strip clubs, and the eternal boobs-vs.-butts debate.

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12. AI Chatbot Quiz (“Chat X” Game with Jeff Oskay)

• [117:00–126:00]
  • Pun-heavy trivia in which “Chat GPT” is parodied as “Chat PVC” (plumbing), “Chat EBT” (food stamps), etc.
  • Playful word association and pop culture references (BBQ, CBR, etc.).

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13. Penis Whitening Trend in Thailand

• [127:23–133:00]
  • The crew is incredulous as they analyze a news story about “penis whitening” procedures, riffing on possible methods, motivations, and parallel trends like anal bleaching.

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14. Musical Bits: Frank Caliendo’s “Piano Man” Impressions

• [155:49–162:21]
  • Frank performs “Piano Man” lyrics in a whirlwind of celebrity voices: John C. Reilly, Morgan Freeman, Adam Sandler, Jeff Goldblum, Mel Kiper Jr., Seth Rogen, Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, and Stephen A. Smith.

Highlight Quote
“Sing us a song, you’re the piano man. Sing us a song tonight.” — As varied in voice (157:08–158:07)

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• “Mr. Peanut wears a monocle because he doesn’t have ears.” — Tom Griswold (10:41)
• “Am I on the right end of this penis?” — Tom Griswold (17:22)
• “Breakfast in bed is like the world’s worst idea.” — Christy Lee (22:19)
• “Touching little boys. Oh, you’re blaming me? …That’s how bad television was.” — Tom Griswold (48:17)
• “You guys are just like, yeah, breakfast biscuit was so crazy. This breakfast biscuit. I’m like, these guys are pros.” — Jordan Rock (140:14)
• “If you want to find out why it hurts when you pee, check out Chat STD.” — Jeff Oskay’s Chatbot Quiz (121:04)
• “Sing us a song, you’re the piano man. Sing us a song tonight.” — Frank Caliendo (various voices, 157:08–158:07)

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Highlights & Memorable Moments

• [38:57] Pat Godwin attempts a real-time “pencil-thin mustache” shaving and dyeing on air, with disastrous and hilarious results.
• [130:04] The cast reacts to “anal bleaching” and “penis whitening” fads with disbelief and barbed jokes.
• [155:49] Frank Caliendo’s rapid-fire, multi-impression performance of “Piano Man.”
• [76:32–85:47] “Tom Speak” segment — a masterclass in non-sequitur nicknaming.

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Guests & Regulars

• Christopher – recurring as “the voice from the studio”
• Greg Hahn – high-energy stand-up, volume-control jokes
• Frank Caliendo – impressions and topical comedy
• James Adomian – comedy and character voices
• Donnie Baker – recurring character offering blue-collar takes
• Jordan Rock – observational stand-up and cultural quips

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Tone & Style

The show is irreverent, quick-paced, self-satirical, and loaded with pop references. Regulars endlessly tease each other and their guest comedians, creating a welcoming space for loose “funny for funny’s sake” improvisation. Running gags and callbacks abound — from “busting nuts” to “manopause.”

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For New Listeners

This episode is a rollercoaster of old-school and modern comedy—sometimes tasteless, often self-aware, but rarely standing still for long. If you dig long-form riffing, musical goofs, bawdy news, and improv, this episode has something for everyone. Just don’t expect anything to stay “serious” for more than thirty seconds.

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Note: Ads, intros/outros, and non-content sections omitted from this summary.

Transcript

[Tom Griswold]

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[Bob Kevoian]

What's a burrito?

[Tom Griswold]

Well, ma', am, we told you five.

[Bob Kevoian]

Minutes ago we needed a glass of water.

[Tom Griswold]

Pardon me, but I just brought out two fresh bottles of water. No, no, no, Pedro. We need a glass of water for our teeth. Jesus, what year did you hop the big fence? Anyway, you know you can't get good.

[Bob Kevoian]

Help anywhere around here anymore.

[Tom Griswold]

I'm sorry. Well, that's not crazy.

[Bob Kevoian]

Creamed corn.

[Tom Griswold]

How the hell am I gonna eat.

[Bob Kevoian]

Creamed corn without my tea?

[Tom Griswold]

Senior moments at the corner of Mexican Food and Forgettable times. Good morning.

[Bob Kevoian]

Hello.

[Tom Griswold]

From coast to coast, it's the Bob and Tom Show. Bob and Tom. Bo and Tom. Bo. And to. Many portions of the upcoming program have been pre recorded, meaning they've already happened and they're about to happen again. So where was it?

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, we're glad to have you here. It's the Bob and Tom Show. Now let's move on. We have. I've been talking about the importance of eating nuts for your sperm. Fellas, you have a nut before you go to bed. Some study maybe. And I see you having. I see you having a handful of nuts and maybe some warm milk. And then right off the. Right off the sleep land, there's a place I go that has these pre bagged nuts.

[Bob Kevoian]

What?

[Tom Griswold]

And they have. You know, Mr. Griswold has pre bagged nut money. It's. No, it's a Starbucks. They have those right by the thing. They've got those. Oh, yeah, yeah. They've got the one that has the raisins and the almonds all mixed together.

[Bob Kevoian]

That's the trail mix.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, gas stations has gas station groceries. Grocery stores have them everywhere.

[Bob Kevoian]

You can find that.

[Tom Griswold]

I mean, I've been buying these packs at Starbucks and I had no idea other places had them.

[Bob Kevoian]

Absolutely.

[Tom Griswold]

You can get a whole canister of them of trail mix. Oh, yeah, they got them at Pilot. It loves. They got them big old bags.

[Bob Kevoian]

I'm at Target in like a big jug.

[Tom Griswold]

I love Target. I'll have to do this. So you will. You will eat pre bagged mixed nuts but you will not touch pre cut fruit situations. Right? That's fair to say. That was a big thing a couple weeks ago. Yeah, it sure was. I love the pre cut fruit.

[Bob Kevoian]

I love it too, chick.

[Tom Griswold]

I love the chopped up onions already.

[Bob Kevoian]

I don't want to deal with it.

[Tom Griswold]

I like the vegetable trays. Just this morning I had the triple washed kale in my shake. Thank you. I'm just one of the people. Triple washed kale? That is nothing like organic triple washed kale in the back. Okay. Same thing, I guess. Do you wash it after you get it out of the bag? No, been triple washed. Okay. You believe every quadruple wash. It would just be ostentatious. What do you think I am? Pretentious? So anyway, so the point is nuts. Nuts are good for you. That's good to know. They help your sperm be more mobile. You know, Tom, it's hip now to say when you're gonna try, when you're gonna eat nuts. At any time you're supposed to say, I'm gonna bust a nut. That's the new term. I want you to say that to the Starbucks counter lady.

[Bob Kevoian]

Really?

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. Just say, hey, I feel like, hey, Sharon, I'm gonna bust the nut. Yes. I'm here to bust a nut. And she'll probably. How much is it going to cost me? She'll think you're so hip. Yeah.

[Bob Kevoian]

She will be square.

[Tom Griswold]

If you're out at a party, you should ask who wants to bust a nut. Okay. And you bring your nuts. That's the current lingo. Yes. You know me, I like to be up to speed with what's happening in the hood. So there you go. Let's start by calling, not using the word hood in that way. That's over now. Yeah. What's it called now? Neighborhood. I don't know. Okay, Sorry. Just walk in. If you ain't here to help me bust a nut, get out. That's. Yeah, that's how they talk in the ghetto. I don't even think I can step in and make fun of you. Your ship is sailed. As Paul Sorvino told Ray Liotta, I gotta turn my back on you now. I can't do it. Have you seen Ray Liotta doing the commercials for the. Yeah, it throws me every time. For the anti smoking. What's that stuff called? Shantix or Chantix or something? Chantix. Have you seen this Ray Liotta, one of the great actors. God, he's terrific. Does he walk up to a guy who's smoking and just pistol whip him in his driveway?

[Bob Kevoian]

I get me to quit.

[Tom Griswold]

You smoking other cigarettes? Oh, my God, I'll kill you. That's a great scene. I'm still not convinced that they didn't pistol whip a man in a driveway. I don't know how other than. Poor guy got paid a lot of money to take a beating. It's amazing. Very famous film director. You're going to be beaten about the head and face. Is that a rubber gun? No, this is a real weapon. No, this is real. The sound it makes. Oh, man. Now. So we've gone from eating nuts to.

[Bob Kevoian]

Mr. Peanut was created by a 14 year old. Did you know that?

[Tom Griswold]

Okay, well, is my theory correct that Mr. Peanut does not have any children?

[Bob Kevoian]

Not that I could find.

[Tom Griswold]

Mr. Peanut is childless?

[Bob Kevoian]

He's childless.

[Tom Griswold]

He's a confirmed bachelor. Because you think. I mean, if this is true about eating nuts in your sperm, you think he'd be, you know. Well, you ask Mr. Motility. Yeah. You think he'd be like one of those guys. And who's the guy in the NBA that has like 44 kids? Sean Kemp. Yeah. You know, but As I said, Mr. Peanut. Currently starring Mr. Peanut in the Broadway production of the Boys in the Band. He's something of a dandy. The way he dresses. I mean, monocle. Let's start there. Yeah, Dandy is a nice word. Confirmed bachelor, Mr. Peanut.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah. Antonio Gentile entered a contest held by Planchester.

[Tom Griswold]

Well, that's ironic. Someone wants people to know that they are not of the Jewish faith. Gentile.

[Bob Kevoian]

He was a 14 year old from Suffolk, Virginia, and he was given $5 when his award was picked.

[Tom Griswold]

Five bucks?

[Bob Kevoian]

It was 1916.

[Tom Griswold]

Evidently the gentlemen. He bought a house. The Gentiles weren't running the contest. Am I right, everybody?

[Bob Kevoian]

Mr. Gentile gave his Mr. A nice $5. Mr. Peanut had a full name. Want to hear it?

[Tom Griswold]

Yes. Charles Emerson Peanut.

[Bob Kevoian]

No. Bartholomew Richard Fitzgerald Smyth.

[Tom Griswold]

Wait. Bartholomew Richard Fitzgerald Smythe.

[Bob Kevoian]

That was the name given to him by the young Antonio Gentile.

[Tom Griswold]

Huh. Okay. His name. They're the Gentiles. Mr. And Mrs. Gentile had a kid. Wow. That's.

[Bob Kevoian]

I know a very. I know a doctor by the name.

[Tom Griswold]

Really? Yeah. Dr. Gentile. Wow. I have. Actually, I have family, but they pronounce it Gentilly. Huh. Really? Yeah. So that might be Gentile. It might be Antonio Gentili.

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, I guess you're right. Because he's Italian. G E, N, T, I, L, E, though that's gentile to me, but okay. Gentilly. That could vary.

[Tom Griswold]

The only reason I know that this is gentile because it's Antonio. Yeah. Yeah, I see. Yeah. I didn't realize that that was such a thing that you could pronounce it that way until I met this guy. Hilarious. Gentile. Also in the studio, comedian Ryan Singer. And let's see, we've got the lovely Jessica Alzman has joined us. Hello. Well, she sure has. Hey, Olsey. And that's Josh has just purchased a new used home. Used home. That's right. Pre Lived in. Very, very used.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah, but their backyard's butt up.

[Tom Griswold]

Backyard, buddy. And we. I did not know this when I was looking at the house. No idea. So you didn't get any, like, insider info from the. About the previous neighbor? Because I'd like to know what happened in that house before. I live there.

[Bob Kevoian]

Really?

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. The guy who I bought it from was pretty. A good dude, so I guess he by himself lived alone. I think so after the incident. I think houses, buildings, they have a special feel. I think there's an entity there in all houses. And the other day, I was. Could be benevolent or malevolent. Sure. I was walking out of the house and there was a minivan that pulled up and a woman got out with, like, six little kids. Oh. Oh. And she goes, she. She's like, all right, get in the lawn. I'm going to take your picture. No, thankfully, that she said. She said, go up on your lawn. And then she got to get a picture. And I was walking. She goes, oh, hi. I go. I go, hello. And she goes, I. I grew up in this home a back in 76, and I lived here, and I just wanted to. I go, oh, my gosh. I go, I just bought it. It's empty. Come on in. Take a look around. And she goes, no, no, we're just gonna get a picture here. I just want. Can I go see the room where the disemboweling took place? Isn't that funny, though? Like, I was talking with a friend the other day about this. Like, if you grew up in a house, it gives you almost carte blanche to just go up to whoever's living there and be like, hey, I grew up in here. And the person's like, well, then come in. And like a total stranger, you just walk. That's what you could do. You could just walk up to anybody's house and be like, hey, I grew up in here. Yeah, you Get. Yeah. You know what? It's the entree.

[Bob Kevoian]

It's called stranger in the house.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, I like it. I don't want to see the house. I just want my toilet seat back. I do miss her. That's interesting. Now, we had, let's see, we were just talking about sperm quality and what was it? Peanuts.

[Bob Kevoian]

Peanuts. And we had Mr. Peanut.

[Tom Griswold]

And I'm asking is, did Mr. Peanut have any kids? Because I don't think he does. Are you ready?

[Bob Kevoian]

Does I have any kids?

[Tom Griswold]

Are you ready for me to blow your minds?

[Bob Kevoian]

What?

[Tom Griswold]

Mr. Peanut wears a monocle because he doesn't have ears. Ah. He can't wear glasses. They'd fall off. The attention to detailers and. I can't believe you brought this up. Did anybody see this on TV last week? Apparently the monocle is making a comeback among hipsters. Have you seen. Of course it is. Yeah. I mean, yes, there was a news report about this, really, but you cram it in your eye and kind of this half wink thing and it stays up there. Sure. Then they hop on their penny farthings and race on down to the local microbrew. I am currently heading a task force. We're trying to make it legal in all 50 states. If you see a guy with a man bun and a monocle, you can beat him with an aluminum bat. Like future meets past. And like a very aggressive. It seems excessive, but I might be for it. Yeah, so far that's just me. No one wants to. Sorry.

[Bob Kevoian]

1935, the Nutmobile predates the wiener mobile.

[Tom Griswold]

So first there was the Nutmobile and then. Then came the wiener mobile. Well, the wiener mobile couldn't come without the nut. Wait a minute. Hold it. I love it. You see, I love everything. You can't have a wiener mobile. I mean, you can, right? Yeah. Hi, good morning and thanks for joining us here on the Best of the Bob and Tom Show For a Tuesday. This is Christopher in the Bob and to studios. Coming up on the show today, Frank Caliendo plus Jordan Rock, Dan Cummins, Greg Hahn, James Adomian and lots more. Coming up next though, bedroom turnoffs. I'm sure you're going to want to stick around and pay attention to those. This is the Bob and Tom Show. Bob and Tom. Hey, folks, let me ask you a serious question. Did you know that driving high is considered driving under the influence? That's right. Driving under the influence of marijuana is against the law in every state. That means even in states where marijuana is legal, that means driving high could get you a DUI and if you think law enforcement officers can't tell when you're driving high, well, my friend, you're wrong. If you're high, they can tell. Your friends can tell. Your co workers can tell. Even your parents can tell. Everyone can tell. So what makes you think that law enforcement officers don't know when you're driving high? You'd be wrong. They can tell, too. Driving under the influence of marijuana can slow your response time and change how you perceive time and speed. So even if you think you're fine to drive when you're high, you're not. Because the bottom line is if you feel different, you drive different. And driving high is driving under the influence. So remember, drive high, get a DUI paid for by nhtsa. This is the Bob and Tom Show. Welcome back on a Tuesday morning. This is Christopher in the Bob and Tom studios. Here's a best of segment about bedroom turnoffs. Oh, thank you very much for joining us. Got a lot going on here, including exploration of things in the bedroom that may be a turn off. Yeah, well, we learned that Pat likes a little train talk. Here comes the choo choo. We got an email here. Yeah. You know who sent us this email? I'm not kidding. Dustin Hoffman. Really interesting what it says right here, I'm enjoying your model railroading program. I would caution Pat to watch the choo choo talk. Someday his girlfriend might tell him it's her turn to be in the caboose. Would you peg Little Steely Dan? Little Steely Dan tribute. I wonder if the boys. I wonder if the boys thought of that when they were doing that tune, those two guys. I'm sure they did, actually. Oh, wait a minute. Can you grab that? Hello, Bob and Tom Show. Hey, Bob and Tom, it's Donnie Baker. Had a good Halloween? I had a great one. Yeah, it was fun, man. I'm doing this year. It's going to be a given. Basically, thanks to Netflix, we had at least 12 little Dahmers last night.

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, Donnie.

[Tom Griswold]

Well, it's. When you think about it, Christy, it ain't hard to pull off. You put peroxide in your hair, you find a pair of Mitch Hedberg glasses and walk around with a vcr. But I was prepared. I'll tell you, Whippy, when Dahmers ring the doorbell, come get me because I'm all about being committed to the costume. Man, they were none the wiser. Normally we let the kids pick what they want out of Candy Dish, but the first Dahmer picked a Milky Way. I said, no, no, no, no, no, Jeffrey, you're dressed as dumb or you ain't getting a Milky Way. You got your choice between a Butterfinger, Zagnut or Fetal Pig. We got in the pants. Kids are just more bold nowadays. Time was you'd see Spider Man, Batman or Superman. Not now. We have one small fry show up in an athletic supporter over his face. Oh, wow. Yeah. At first I'm like you, Josh. I thought he was trying to get his Dr. Fauci, but nice. He was so proud. Said he was the first ever Jocko lantern. It reminded me of my best costume ever. One year I dressed up as a sexy cowboy. It's badass. I had a Stetson, dingo boots, couple six guns. Yeah. And women would ask, who are you supposed to be? I tell them Clint Eastwood from that one movie. And they go, what movie? And I tell them the woman Shirley McLean's two balls for sister Sarah. Oh, gee, I think that. I think that's too. What is it? My hog? And tell them it was Pale Rider. You know, because the movie last night, movie of the year. You knew it was gonna happen. We had about 14 little Elvises. Oh, okay. Oh, I know. When there's more than one, it's supposed to be called Elvi. Right. Anyways, most of them dressed up like the young Elvis. Blue suede shoes. But right before we turn the porch light off, here comes little Tick Tocker dressed up as fat Elvis. Jumpsuit and all Skittles in a pill bottle for him. I should have taken half of them back. Throw them out. The Colonel. I gotta go. Thank you very much. You know, I heard Donnie actually took part in the three ways that when he was dressed as Clint Eastwood. Yeah. Yeah. He had the Good, the Bad and the Ugly. That's what I heard.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Very good. Now, am I right?

[Bob Kevoian]

So, the top 10 passion killers for men, according to a survey of 2,000 adults conducted by illicit encounters.com. number 10, obvious insecurity.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah.

[Bob Kevoian]

Ladies, listen up.

[Tom Griswold]

Am I doing this right? Am I on the right end of this penis? I don't want to take my snowsuit off.

[Bob Kevoian]

Number nine, pets in the bedroom. We got to that earlier. Number eight, too noisy. Makes love like a porn star.

[Tom Griswold]

That can be. I can see where some guys might maybe intimidated by that.

[Bob Kevoian]

Really?

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. Especially when you have your mom in the room next door who's either one being too noisy or the one woman.

[Bob Kevoian]

Or the woman's being too noisy.

[Tom Griswold]

This is a turn off for the guy.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yes.

[Tom Griswold]

Over the top.

[Bob Kevoian]

I'm shocked by this.

[Tom Griswold]

I've had. I've had friends who've. Yeah, you've. You've had it. Too noisy. What'd you do? Did you say, hey, you need to glide down or. He strangled her. Yeah. More pillows just smell like chloroform to you. Relax. Don't fight it. It'll be fine.

[Bob Kevoian]

Number seven.

[Tom Griswold]

He is a Cosby.

[Bob Kevoian]

Genetically, she's a bad kisser.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah.

[Bob Kevoian]

Number six, she smokes. These are on both.

[Tom Griswold]

Is there anything worse than a bad kisser? Nothing. No, she smoked.

[Bob Kevoian]

I know. Get past that.

[Tom Griswold]

You ever get ever get kissed by somebody who kisses like a mason jar? Tom? You ever do that? It's kind of late. Oh, I like that. Yeah. I want a girl that's gonna fit my whole head in her mouth. Man, oh man, I don't like a snake that way. You're kind of easing her up the scale.

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh boy.

[Tom Griswold]

That's right.

[Bob Kevoian]

Top 10 passion killers for men according to the survey. Number five, she's more interested in her phone than me.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, but her phone has all the stuff in the world. Why wouldn't she? And it vibrates.

[Bob Kevoian]

Number four, she admits cheating on her lovers.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, that would make a guy insecure. My rule is you never talk bad about a previous employer. That's always my rule.

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, your women were all employed.

[Tom Griswold]

I'm just saying.

[Bob Kevoian]

Okay, number three, the big old underwear. Like who cares?

[Tom Griswold]

That's number. That's too high.

[Bob Kevoian]

That's number three on this.

[Tom Griswold]

I don't mind that. Yeah.

[Bob Kevoian]

Number two, she never initiates sex.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. Depending on what your love language is, that could be around. Been around that pot looking for the handle. Yeah.

[Bob Kevoian]

And the number one top 10 passion killer for men. She wants to make love the same way every time.

[Tom Griswold]

With you out of the room. Well, look, someone else. There may be sometimes women, they have to finish in a certain way and. But before then you can do other things. Maybe. Who wrote the joke? You never. It goes, you never tell me when you have an orgasm. And the response is you're never there. Sounds like a Woody Allen. Yeah. Remember the Dangerfield joke? Oh, man, my girlfriend loves to talk during sex. I hate those phone calls. She's calling it. She's on the phone with another guy. Any particular turn offs in the room you want to review? I'm a big, big smells guy. I got a problem with smell. Would you like candles? Just to make. To mask. I like a candle. Okay. I like a candle. I don't make a point of it unless there's a problem and then I power through and then there have been problems. Very. I'M I. Do you mind if I. I'm a gentleman. No, no.

[Bob Kevoian]

This is dangerous territory.

[Tom Griswold]

No, no. Why in here? Pat, you ever throw on that. What's that mask you have to wear at night? The CPAP thing? No, no. Or have you ever. Turn off. I hear that it can happen the next morning. You don't. You get started before actually taking it off. Yeah, that. That has happened to some people, I've heard. Not you, anecdotally. Yeah. Okay. You got the Star wars mask, whatever it is, and you lean over. Well, yeah, People forget about it, I would think. The oxygen intake has to help a little. Yeah, it helps the sleeping. It'd be sexy. You'd feel like Bane.

[Bob Kevoian]

What about the woman? That would be y.

[Tom Griswold]

What will break for your hips or your crack? I will tell you, it was a. It was a legal entanglement, if that's the question you're asking. The smell. Yes, I see. Did you bring that up in court and get some money knocked off your alimony? I believe that the judge's reply was, are you kidding me? Stuff like that. Food in bed, turn off. Anyway, that's what. That's for you, huh?

[Bob Kevoian]

For you. It is.

[Tom Griswold]

It's just the right kind of food. Whipped cream is good. Ribs. Your father dislikes room service. You don't like your gal munching on a big hoagie while you're. No, I do not like food in the bed. I do. I hate room service at hotels. I don't.

[Bob Kevoian]

What is wrong with you?

[Tom Griswold]

Breakfast in bed is like the world's worst idea. What's like. How about breakfast in the shower? No, the bed is for this. Oh, look, there's a nice dining room downstairs with fresh coffee. I'll go there. Breakfast in bed. Isn't that comfortable. Yeah, I don't know why that's a thing. No. Well, you can have fresh coffee in bed. Well, I don't want to. I don't want to be sitting. Go get open heart surgery. You'll have a couple breakfast. Yeah, I've had. Wait a minute. You don't like breakfast in bed either? I don't believe it or not. Now, do you ever allow. I'm sure whatever you're saying now. But if my lady wants breakfast to bed, I'll happily make her some. Do you ever prop up her head? Did you ever prop up her head with a pizza box? Well, I don't, but often the pizza boxes are still there. That was my favorite part of the joke, you know, when I bully myself.

[Bob Kevoian]

That's not funny.

[Tom Griswold]

Isn't that the cruelest of this? Yes. He makes you tell your own jokes, right? It's like a bully coming up to you and I punch yourself in the face. The implication that you have pizza boxes like people have newspapers so kids can do art projects. I hear the implication that the woman was dead and you have to. Yeah, I thought that too. Or that stopped you. Christy, what's your biggest turn off in the bedroom other than Tom? To keep from. If you want to last longer. Do you just think of time after my trick since middle school. What if it backfired? Let me see. Let me ask. Let me ask you a different question, and I'm. You don't have to answer. Do you sometimes set the stage so it's quite clear that this is going to happen? Like, do you. Is there a certain place you put a candle or certain music you put on? Yeah, remote control candles. They're. What are they, electric?

[Bob Kevoian]

They're battery operated. And you have a little thing and you hit the button and they come on. You don't have those.

[Tom Griswold]

Is it a real. Is it a real flame?

[Bob Kevoian]

No, it's not a real flame.

[Tom Griswold]

You can take the girl out of the trailer park.

[Bob Kevoian]

I love this.

[Tom Griswold]

I push this button and the dingle balls come right real nice in front of your wind. He. He likes the real candles, cuz they. They hide the smell. It makes my wood panel walls look so nice. Look at that.

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, y'.

[Tom Griswold]

All. Just the day. The day we finally broke. You got a good all y' all out of her. All y'. All. I mean, are they real flames or are they fake? They're fake, but they look real. Question, you incredible jerk. No, no, check. The thing is, I don't listen to you. All right? So there's sort of. Do you have like a.

[Bob Kevoian]

Do they look like.

[Tom Griswold]

Do you have a particular.

[Bob Kevoian]

They look like this.

[Tom Griswold]

Okay. Yeah. Do you have a particular song that you'll play?

[Bob Kevoian]

They look like that.

[Tom Griswold]

Okay. They look like real games leading to the bedroom. Rose petals as the flames come up. This is a hilarious It's Time song. It's time. I'm see. I'm seeing the robe slowly opening like a theatrical stage. He walks in dressed as a Victorian woman. Oh, wait, you know, this is one of your turn offs. Get ready. It's Christy. Whatever. Oh, boy. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Now you're. Yeah. The robe comes off the sat. The OB is being tied. You're still in pants.

[Bob Kevoian]

Do you guys. Are you into the lingerie thing?

[Tom Griswold]

Not really. I mean, if she. If it makes her Feel sexy, I'm all for it. If not, Tom and I agree on this. That tan lines, right? No, I. I'm very anti. Tan me. Like, kidding. Yeah. Really? Tan line having no tan lines. Impri implies a professional tanner. That's right. Yeah. Yeah.

[Bob Kevoian]

Or a nudist.

[Tom Griswold]

A professional. Okay. A. Oh, that's what I mean. If you don't have any tan lines, you're out there because you got to put the meat on the street. Okay. Absolute fact. Thank you. Or tanning bed. One of the two. Exactly.

[Bob Kevoian]

You're not wrong. I don't think.

[Tom Griswold]

I don't think you are. Right. No. And then if you walk in and she's tanned from head to toe. Suspect. Yeah. You go, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were a prostitute. Ouch. That's. That's what you say. That's what I say. The final cabinet. Oh. Oh, is that Europe? Yeah, that was in that commercial. No, this is America. Well, thank you very much.

[Bob Kevoian]

Well, that went well. What do you got over there?

[Tom Griswold]

No, I was just. I think it's very exciting. Hey, turn offs. Now, do you think, in your experience, Josh, do women find it offensive that you stir Mac and cheese? Now you tell one. Josh.

[Bob Kevoian]

See, now it's just me. Why don't we say bad things about him?

[Tom Griswold]

Doesn't it kind of sound like you're stirring Mac and cheese? No, I am. I am. I've got two hands. You know, that's. That's supposed to be. That's the epitome of a girl that if it sounds like stir Mac, Mac and cheese, she's ready, baby. You know you asked it long enough. When you hear the chime of your bedside microwave going off, round two is. Oh, easy math. Do you have a bedside microwave?

[Bob Kevoian]

Well, that's only two minutes.

[Tom Griswold]

Do I have a bedside microwave? Of course. It's next to my bedside rotisserie. Where else? And the light in the rotisserie is so nice. It's. It gives it a sort of a sexy feel. A nice kind of an orangey. Is that a crock pot? Honey, can you turn the crock pot on? I can't fall asleep. Sure. I thought we'd have a little smoky. You like Swedish meatballs, right?

[Bob Kevoian]

Throw this at you. So how do you do this when you have little kids? Because I've never understood how you have sex in the house with little kids there.

[Tom Griswold]

How old's your youngest?

[Bob Kevoian]

Because I got divorced in a young. When my kids were young, so I never had this issue.

[Tom Griswold]

But Chrissy, what he hasn't had. Look at his face. He's not going to answer you.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah, you're right. Do you have a lock on the door? Do you have a.

[Tom Griswold]

Just tie him up outside. Right time. All to the same steak. They run around.

[Bob Kevoian]

Do you do like.

[Tom Griswold]

Well, it's really dark outside. Time to hop on your bikes. I want a full circle the block. It's 22 minutes. Bob used to always say that. Yeah, his parents would drop them off at a movie. Oh, no kidding.

[Bob Kevoian]

Throw quarters outside and tell them to go find them.

[Tom Griswold]

Throwing quarters outside is amazing. We got about a half hour. And the old trick is you throw out. You throw out 10 and say there are 12 of them out there. Oh, that's perfect. They get plenty of nothing. Hey, there's two more. We're gonna go. I know. We didn't clear the fence. I was watching. Once again, we're talking about the passion killers. Top 10 passion killers. Once again, number one.

[Bob Kevoian]

I think bad breath is right up there for me.

[Tom Griswold]

Well, there's nothing like that on this list.

[Bob Kevoian]

I know. I'm surprised by that. But that I think goes with the smell.

[Tom Griswold]

Smell? Yeah, the smell. Not really. In the morning you can still have bad breath. And dude, I do not care.

[Bob Kevoian]

You can't kiss though.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, oh, no, I don't care. At that point.

[Bob Kevoian]

No, that's different.

[Tom Griswold]

It's the morning breath. They're. They're a smoker. They have big underwear. Grow up. It's the most fun thing in the world. Have a good time. Yeah, it is. It's right there. There's no problem next time. But I think some of the really funny ones are a pet. And if you did, if you read deep in this article a cat coughing up a hairball, that may be a little distress.

[Bob Kevoian]

Of course it is.

[Tom Griswold]

I. I also think baby talk is just. Just the worst. I've never had Thankful do that. No, you don't wy DY me, baby.

[Bob Kevoian]

Adam Sandler must never get laid.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, I'll bet he does. Just perhaps you should look at my baker. Oh, look at this. That's a fine quality H2O. We're coming right back with more of the best of the Bob and Tom show and Patty G's pencil thin mustache. It's next. Game day energy starts before the first snap with Chumba Casino. Whether you're killing time before kickoff or celebrating a big touchdown, Chumba Casino brings the thrill of the game right to your browser. Spin the reels, play blackjack, instant scratch style cards, and more. It's like having a Full playbook of fun at your fingertips. Sign up in seconds and score a free welcome bonus, plus daily login bonuses each time you return. And here's the extra point. You don't need to make a purchase to get in on the action. So whether you're going for a hail Mary or just looking for a solid drive of entertainment, Chumba Casino gives you a chance to to score some serious prizes without leaving your home turf. It's your move. Start your [e-mail] today. Sponsored by VGW Group. No purchase necessary. See [e-mail] must be over 21 and present in a state where it's legal to play. Welcome back to the Bob and Tom Show. This is Christopher in the O'Reilly Auto Parts Studios. Think O'Reilly Auto Parts for all your car care needs. Get the parts and service you need fast from the professional parts people at O'Reilly Auto Parts. Here's a best of segment. It's Patty G's pencil thin Mustang. I can sense it. We have coming up, of course, we have the, we have the Ace Cosby Ace Cosby joke of the day right now. It's a rare look at the men's room. Can he hear himself? Can he hear him? Pat Godwin is in the men's room. We have a camera set up in there. This is on the YouTube.

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, God.

[Tom Griswold]

Okay. Pat, can you hear me okay? Yeah, I can hear you. Okay. All right. Well, go ahead and wipe and then get going. My pants are off. Pat is standing at the sink. It looks like you're on the Robin Tom program. It looks like you're hovering over a toilet. The sink is right here. He's trying to get down to the mic. I got my Harry's razor. Okay. You got, oh, nice Harry's razor teeth too. Just last week I did. Oh, well, whose toothbrush is that? This toothbrush is for the dye. That's how it goes on the mustache. Okay. Pat is going to shave off his facial hair and just leave a pencil thin mustache and then dye it. You have to. Okay, he's putting. Now, Pat, the toothbrush, is that your regular toothbrush or is that a special one? What you do is you go with an older one. Tom, Tom, you don't go with a brand new toothbrush. Great question. What, what sort of what planning goes into the toothbrush? Godwin's got made money, but he can't buy a two dollar die toothbrush. Exactly. Oh, by the way, now we were talking about the fact that Josh is very you just, you just keep going, Pat. Take your time getting a nice shave. You are really going at it. Oh, that is nice. That's double. Yeah. How long you been growing the beard there, Pat? How many days? That's been about three weeks.

[Bob Kevoian]

Three weeks?

[Tom Griswold]

No kidding? No, I just. It just take your time. You're making me nervous. Well, it's radio baby. We got time, you know. Well, talk amongst yourselves. Have some fun. Do some. I did slow down at one point his, his mustache is going to look like Groucho Marx cuz he's going to smear the black stuff on it, right? Hey chick, this kind of looks like one of those weird experimental documentaries. And you have my favorite narrator voice. Can you please narrate the Pat Godwin documentary, please? Every morning Pat Godwin gets up and gives himself a nice shave before he heads into the Bob and Tom show. That's it. Take your time. I know how to shave. Shave Tom. No, you're let him shave his own face too quickly. But he's not going against the grain. He's doing a fine.

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, see you did cut yourself.

[Tom Griswold]

You need some more foam. Oh, he. You cut yourself. Pat Godwin cut himself. He didn't cut himself. He just ran into a zit. Oh yeah, that was a lesion. I don't think your chin is. Is your chin shaved? No, not yet. Foam that baby up. Oh good, you foam it up. Their first fight. Let's leave him alone for a second. Could you possibly slow down? No wonder. God, you got to take your time.

[Bob Kevoian]

Why don't you go in there and shave him so he does it right?

[Tom Griswold]

Get in there. Get in there. Come on. You both go in there and shave your wrists. I just laugh to cut myself again. Okay now cuz I shave in the shower and in the car. Is that what you want me in the shower? Tommy. And later on in the day and for dinner. Okay. And how many times a day do you shave? Usually twice.

[Bob Kevoian]

Twice.

[Tom Griswold]

Twice. He doesn't touch up. I do not like to have a. I know, I know. You don't have that aggressive a beard.

[Bob Kevoian]

No, you don't.

[Tom Griswold]

So you shave twice anyway. I just don't like having. I. I can't pull off this so called Don Johnson, Miami Vice, 1984. You always look great. You always have a very nice clean shaven face. Okay, now I kiss it. How's it going? We're ready for the pencil thin part now. This is the trickiest part. Yeah. Oh, he's going. And real quick, Pat, if I may, the Harry's Razor. My favorite thing about. One of my favorite things about them is they've got. If you kind of flip it, it's got that single razor at the top on the backside. Yes. So look at the top of the razor. It's got that. And that's gonna make it. You gotta get. You need a lot of hot water on the razor, Pat. And you gotta help himself not to stop telling you how to shave. Pat, who taught you how to shave? Here. Here? My mommy. I'm gonna come show you where that. My mommy. Okay. Josh is getting up and walking to the men's room. Yes. The more people we have on him, the better. That's. That's a great idea. These close ups are disturbing. I know. Pat, you got to get the soul patch, buddy. You get in here. The gloves are on. Yeah, don't. Don't cut yourself there. Josh. Get some hot water on that baby. Clean her up, and then get some foam on the. Josh just touched my butt. Okay. Well, there you go. Now, Pat, he's now getting the top. He's shaving the. The top half of the mustache. Oh, yeah. Off. Oh. What do you think? Go thinner. Thinner, Tom? Yeah. What do you think? Thinner? Yeah, if you don't want it to look like it's a. Yeah. You really want to make it a pencil thin mustache?

[Bob Kevoian]

Should we take a pencil in there and put it on there so he.

[Tom Griswold]

Has a. I think we could tell him you're getting there, Pat. Yeah, a little more. Can you get the part right below the center of your nose? The fulcrum? Is that what it's. No, it's filter. I said it was filtered 10 times. Pat. Pat, Blow some air into your upper lip. Like this? What? Yeah, like. Yeah, go. Yeah, blow it. There you go. You still got a little bit. Yeah, you got to make it a little thinner for. To really have that embarrassing look we're going for. But don't take away too much. You got a lot of marble under there. We got to find David. Oh, there you go. That's right. I like that. A little thinner. And then now we're gonna have to apply the hair dye a little thinner pack. Just keep going. Keep going south with the blade. Yep, you're doing good. Oh, there we go. I think he found it. I think that's close. Now. I feel like you've missed some under your bottom lip.

[Bob Kevoian]

It's too bushy still.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, you've got to have. It's got to be very thin between the lip and the nose. Almost a line. Like a third of an inch, maybe. Is that.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah, you do.

[Tom Griswold]

Go.

[Bob Kevoian]

Really?

[Tom Griswold]

Yes. We're getting. Yeah, you're. You are getting there. We'll let you know. Oh, boy. Do you have any electric clippers so we can get. I wouldn't do the bottom of it with a razor because you get that bottom lip.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah, that is.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, get that little guy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, slow down. A lot of blood. Could you put. Yeah, put the foam back on. My God. I ran out of foam. Dry shaving.

[Bob Kevoian]

You don't have any more foam.

[Tom Griswold]

A back seat shaver. Stop it. I have moisturizer. Oh. Now get those eyebrows. Shave those eyebrows right off. That'll make you. That'll make you look crazy. Okay, Pat, put the razor down for a second and wet your face. Down, washed up. I want to see where we are.

[Bob Kevoian]

We're.

[Tom Griswold]

We're real close. Yeah. And this may. This. I'm telling you this. The ladies at the apartment complex may see this. Dag on it. I vote one more swipe. I do.

[Bob Kevoian]

I do, too. I don't think it's thin enough.

[Tom Griswold]

Check. One more slice. Can we get a look direct in camera? I feel like the mirror is not giving us the best angle. I want to see. Yeah, a little bit more down. Let's not forget, though, when he dyes it, it's going to be really excellent. We might be to the point where we dye it and then trim it after that. That's it. Yes. Josh has it. Good idea. Okay. Okay, Pat, Looking good, buddy. Have you. Have you mixed this dye? Is it like we're ready to go? Is this like Bondo where you have to put two parts together? Nope. All done. Did it ahead of time, Tom. It's called show prep. I'm predicting that this is going to be less embarrassing than we want it to be. I think it's going to look pretty good.

[Bob Kevoian]

You think?

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, look at it. It looks pretty good right now. I completely agree. And, Pat, this is a great shirt you're wearing. Your shoulders look big. You look like a burly guy. I love it. Yeah, he's. Thank you. I think Willie's coming on to me. I am. Pat is putting a toothbrush full of hair dye.

[Bob Kevoian]

His mustache.

[Tom Griswold]

Now you've dyed just the center there, so it looks like you have a. Keep going. You want to go? You want to go? Yeah. You don't want to look like. Like hipster Hitler. The penciled in the pencil Hitler look. Not good. Are we on in Berlin? I hope there's someone out there who didn't take A screenshot of that moment. Yeah. I'm just saying. Am I still on the show?

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, yes.

[Tom Griswold]

Hipster Hitler. We don't know. Keep going, Pat. So now, is that. Is what is that stuff? Does that have a smell to it? That. Oh, yeah, it smells horrible. Oh, it does. Oh, it does. What is. How viscous is it. Is it like a. Like a. Is it like toothpaste? Right? Is it tarry or. I remember the. Just ferment stuff smelled pretty good. Yeah. This is a little rough. Okay. What kind of dye are you using? This is l' Oreal's darkest. They have. It's called a black. Is this. And is this. All right? Is this designed for must. Okay, now. Now we're entering Stupidville. Yeah, yeah. From the side. It's. That's real dumb. I'm so sorry. This is so visual for the exit.

[Bob Kevoian]

This is so.

[Tom Griswold]

He's bleeding like a stuck pig because he didn't use. He didn't use hot water. He used hot water. You're just. You know, I was nervous. He also was shaving like he was trying to break a record and he was nervous. That's the first time he's been on radio. Okay, Pat, Pat, let's see. Let's see how it looks so far. Just give us. Turn toward the camera, please. And it's my understanding that the dye will continue to get darker and darker as time goes on. On. Oh, it's going to be really. Now I have a question. Because it's. The dye isn't just on the hair. It's also on your skin. No, no, that comes off very quickly. It comes off your skin. It does. I do this every week. Okay. He's very familiar. I'm funny today. You are. I'm on fire. You are on fire. Everybody need to get up to Pat's level. That's what we did. Boy, some of those close ups, though. How does a man of your age still get pimples? Figure out master beetle. We're coming right back. Coming up next hour, Tom Speak and James Adomian. But coming up in just a few minutes, we always like to say hang on to something. Greg Hahn. Next on the Bob and Tom Show. Bob and Tom. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast. Smart move. Being financially savvy. Smart move. Another smart move. Having State Farm help you create a competitive price when you choose to bundle home and auto bundling. Just another way to save with a personal price plan like a good neighbor. State Farm is there prices are based on rating plans. That vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. This is the Bob and Tom Show. Welcome back on a Tuesday. It's the best of the Bob and Tom Show. This is Christopher here in the Bob and Tom studios. Here's a segment with one of our faves. It's comedian Greg Hahn with us in the studio. As I mentioned, comedian Greg Hahn. Look for my new show coming out, what's it called? Dog walker, Texas Ranger. Oh, look forward to it. Yeah, I heard you had Bill Gardell on the show yesterday. Yeah, he's great. He's successful. That's just because he takes any part he can get. Not me, I'm very picky. I'm waiting for the specific part, you know what I mean?

[Bob Kevoian]

Which part?

[Tom Griswold]

I want to play an anesthesiologist where one arm is shorter than the other. Uh huh. Wow. Wow, that's. Yeah, that's, that's, that's picky.

[Bob Kevoian]

That is specific.

[Tom Griswold]

Now are you gonna need a prosthetic or can you. I can barely say anesthesiologist. Oh, it's exciting. Alexa, fart noises for 30 minutes. You know, my Alexa has started going off all the time now. I don't know if my, my TV's too loud or what, but I know when we say Alexa, what's the weather? There's an Alexa out there that just went off and telling the people that that happens. Now, we have been reviewing a number of things. It's trucker request week. Yeah, Trucker appreciation week. You know, I know how ghosts feel now when they try to get a hold of people. I'm over here. Like I don't exist and I laugh so hard at your awful, awful, mean spirited joke. I'm still laughing and I can't get. I was trying to point out the television back in the 60s, spite of all of the nostalgia, a lot of it was dreadful. And if you were a kid and it was a rainy day and it was like a Saturday afternoon and there was nothing on TV and you'd go through the three channels and you'd end up with Mitch Miller and sing along with Mitch and, you know, no rock and roll on tv, just this crap. Here's another one. You want to hear another Mitch Miller song? Yes. Nope.

[Bob Kevoian]

Kids, what you're hearing here is a vinyl record.

[Tom Griswold]

You know, for those of you who.

[Bob Kevoian]

Don'T know why it's not crystal clear.

[Tom Griswold]

No, but I mean, it's, it's those arrangements. It's. How can we, how can we take all of the soul out of any song? You two hear me, right?

[Bob Kevoian]

I hear you. Yes, yes.

[Tom Griswold]

Christy, hear your problem. Are you still talking about you trying to change the subject for the 50th time? OCD boy. All right, fish. What? You're going to start. You're going to think you're. You're going to be like Bert Campbell and think that you are invisible and just start snapping. Here's one of the finest chick. I know what I talk about, cuz I. Who's got the fat thing? I once ate a six pack of Hershey's bars while dipping them into a can of frosting. And yes, yes, I made an icing sandwich with two Hershey bars as the bread.

[Bob Kevoian]

Wow, that makes my stomach hurt.

[Tom Griswold]

My stomach would hurt.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah, that's a lot of sugar.

[Tom Griswold]

Bravo. Won't you come home till baby, won't you come home she mole day long.

[Bob Kevoian]

She works the whole day long. Is that what he's saying?

[Tom Griswold]

Kenny Arnoff on drums.

[Bob Kevoian]

Don't insult Kenny like that.

[Tom Griswold]

Who's on the accordion? That is some bad music, ladies and gentlemen. And we're talking about why won't Bill Bailey come home Anyway, because they're singing that crappy music, telling me if you pulled up to, like an Oktoberfest and they were playing that song, you wouldn't be a little happy, like, oh, this is fun and jovial. Yeah. I'm telling you. Wow, chick, I know how you feel. Oh, I'm sorry. What? Tom, I'll do the co. So, Christy, you say, what was the story now? Some guy. No Irish allowed in a restaurant. No Irish. Oh, yeah, you. You. You're waiting for him to segue into and what's up with the Jews? Some horrific anti Semitic, anti gay. Whatever the. This is just. And now everyone here is really white. And here it is. And let's bring in some like a Chinaman. Let's bring in a China Chinese gentleman with one of those weird hats on. How about some kung fu fu egg foo young buddy, have you met the fruit that moved in next door? Okay, we need to get a chorus, like a men's course and start doing these songs. All white guys right now. All white. Try to take all of the rhythm and soul out of this song. What we should do. Why aren't there women cooking in the kitchen? Has your wife talked back lately? I noticed she had a black eye. Maybe do a. Maybe do some really, really soulful stuff or some hip hop. People know their place.

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, jeez.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, my God. Baby's got. If you babysit my kids, I'm allowed to touch you. On the ride home. And now the Mitch Miller chorus. This is how we do it. Touching little boys. Oh, you're blaming me? I'm just saying that's how bad television was. Christy, you're the one that brought up the garbage man that found this thing of Mitch Miller. That's right. I was doomed.

[Bob Kevoian]

Time out. I believe Josh told us that Betty wants a raise.

[Tom Griswold]

Better show me those cans. Could we. Could we. Could we write some horrible 60s songs? Don't tell the wife I'm putting it here. We need to do this.

[Bob Kevoian]

Apparently, I was right.

[Tom Griswold]

Things you produce the hell out of. You need to get, like, 20 guys. How about 20 guys going, there's a skeeter on my peter. Jerk it off. Whack it off. Whack. Sorry, I'm not familiar with this. He just went right for it. And now let's take all the levity out of this with Mitch Miller and the singing white guys.

[Bob Kevoian]

Apparently, I was right. The owner. The. Back to the. How we got the vinyl records in the trash. The owner was cleaning out her mom's house. House. Oh, that was. What happened, so.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, God, my mom has died. Now it could be gay. My mom has died.

[Bob Kevoian]

And our. And our favorite.

[Tom Griswold]

I'm cleaning out her closet and coming out of it right now.

[Bob Kevoian]

I guess there was also some Trini Lopez in that stack, too. Oh, he said.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, talk about burying the lead. Wow, Trini Lopez. What was his big At Lemon Tree? Love Lemon Tree. Okay, let me see. Here's a picture. Here's. Here's a picture. Here's a picture of Mitch Miller in the band. And let's see. Yeah, it looks pretty white. Okay. The American daughter's dating an Italian. My daughter's dating. What do we do? What do we do now? And they have the background guys going, do up. I'm telling you, it's like a subtle slam. This is Trini Lopez. I think it's pronounced Trini.

[Bob Kevoian]

Trini Lopez.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. Yeah, that was the. So this guy. I'm sorry. This guy's cleaning out his mother. His mother is gone, sadly. And he's throwing away all the old albums. Makes sense. But they're not, you know, unless they're really great, they're not worth a lot of money. They gotcha. They buy them by the foot. The vinyl. And I think they.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah, they make purses out of them and stuff. Now, sadly, there's.

[Tom Griswold]

You know, I have a. I had actually a popcorn bowl made out of an Old album.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

What was the album? Something I didn't care about. I think it was like Billy Joel or something.

[Bob Kevoian]

I have a clock made out of Peter Frampton's. That's great at that.

[Tom Griswold]

Comes alive.

[Bob Kevoian]

Comes alive. Eight track.

[Tom Griswold]

Really?

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah. Top that.

[Tom Griswold]

What is it?

[Bob Kevoian]

It's a clock.

[Tom Griswold]

It's a clock made out of an old eight track.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yep.

[Tom Griswold]

That sounds lovely.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Is that in your living room?

[Bob Kevoian]

No, it's in the basement.

[Tom Griswold]

Is that with a chinchilla?

[Bob Kevoian]

No, it's in the basement now.

[Tom Griswold]

Greg Hahn, you're a single man. Single guy. You live in a condo in. I got the condo. Valencia. Just. It's north of Hollywood. Just 20 miles north of a career, I like to say in Valencia. And that's my understanding, when you walk in, the first thing you see in your living room, you have a giant set of drum. Yeah, I got all that stuff. The ping pong tables upstairs. It's a lot of fun. We have a good time. You ever gotten a call from someone, they want to break up and you. And you never realize you were dating? Ever had that happen? It's so easy. Those calls, it's the best. They're like, I just think it's so one sided. I'm like, I couldn't agree more. Before we continue, gonna need a name. We're rocking on a Tuesday morning. Coming right back on the Best of the Bob and Tom show with a segment with James Adomi. It's coming up in just a minute. Next role with Vernon Davis. The transformative journeys of athletes, artists and entrepreneurs. We have very special guests. Ladies and gentlemen, Devon Franklin. Whether it's the movies I'm doing, whether it's TV shows, I just tap into the truth. That's what I bring to every project. Ladies and gentlemen, Isaac Keys. People always ask, how did you make it to the NFL? How did you get into acting? There's a story behind all of that. It's about whether you're willing to tell your story or not. Next role is about what's next. It's about why they do it. Next. Roll with Vernon Davis. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. Hey, Bob and Tom. It's Donny Baker, man, with some much needed holiday tips on the dating scene. I know a lot of you guys think the holidays are all about spending quality time with family. Or in my case, fake ass cousins who still owe you money. And don't think I forgot about the 40 bucks. Jamie. I don't care if we're kidding. Hell, if you don't pay up, I'll make you twice removed. I swear to God I will. But my point is, don't put family ahead of strange, man. New Year's Eve is coming up, and this is like the free square on the bingo card. I mean, if you can't get laid on New Year's Eve, then you might want to have your doctor check out your party favor or just make a trip to the blood bank. There's a couple keys to doing this thing right, man. Number one, lower your standards. Most people aim too high. So dial it down a notch on New Year's Eve, ladies. Maybe it's time to take a second look at that carny who can blow smoke rings out his colostomy hole. I know one who can time it right to when the ball drops. Number two. Ladies, try to show off what you got. I swear to God you should. That means your rack should arrive a few minutes before you do. And don't be afraid to draw attention to them. Hell, I used to beg Patty Ferguson to go ice skating on New Year's Eve. And ice works, man. Hell, I could have hooked jumper cables to her nipples most years. So turn off the heat in your apartment. I mean, cold enough where you could hang beef at on New Year's Eve. Remember, they aren't nipples, they're turn signals. I swear to God they are. Guys, your plan is more simple. Don't bank on a beauty queen. I mean, it's like Dick Clark. Chances are he's not gonna show up anyways, so don't be selective. It's more like deer hunting when you think about it. I mean, you get high, you pick one you like, then you wait for him to drop. I swear to God, man. One year I tracked a chick through six levels of a parking garage before her feet gave out and she begged me for a ride home. And cops can't prove it's stalking if you're looking for your car, too. Number two, don't hang out by the restroom. I know the traffic's usually good, and most nights it works, but not on New Year's Eve. Chances are, most of them chicks are yakking up their resolutions. And what is it about chicks who puke and still want to kiss? That's like wiping your butt and saving it for scrap paper. I swear to God it is. Number three, when you get them home, set the mood, man. I mean, like, put on some music and pornos. Those animals ones are the best. I can't believe they don't charge more for them. I mean, who cares about digital tape? I think the animals better. Anyway, keep your eye on the clock, man, because at midnight you have to stick with the classic. Always make sure the classic New Year's song is playing. I'm pretty sure it's called Hauling Signs. All the TV stations play it at midnight. They have to. It's state law. That song just gets people kissing. And sometimes it's a mob scene at a party, so be careful. Hell, one year Scotty turned around and kissed me by mistake. I swear to God he did. I mean, it was real quick and legit mistake. No tongue or nothing. I swear to God there wasn't. And remember, after the New Year song is over, I suggest a segue right into Slow and Easy by White Snake. Trust me on this one. You'll thank me later. Happy New Year, man. I gotta go. Welcome back to the Bob and Tom Show. This is Christopher and the Bob and Tom Studios. Hope you're having a great Tuesday morning here. Thanks. Here's a classic segment with comedian James Adomi. And this is the Bob and Tom show worldwide on American Forces Radio. Coast to coast on great radio stations like this one. And we have Chick Magee at the sports desk, Christie Lee at the news desk, Bob at Master Control. This is Tom speaking. And I look in the interview loft and I see two young men. They are comedian James Adomian and comedian Steve Simone. And Steve Simone. They have never met before. James was just entertaining us brilliantly with his. His impression of the Beat the Beef guy. Wait. And Jesse Bench. The beef guy.

[Bob Kevoian]

Sam Elliott.

[Tom Griswold]

Sam Elliott, the beef guy. The beef guy. Hold on a second. It's Rand. It's what's. It's what's for dinner. It's also an acceptable breakfast item. That's right. Certainly. Sure is. And a lot of guys that do impressions, we've talked about this many times, but with this fractured world we live in where there's just. There's so much of everything and it's so hard to get an impression that everybody gets. We talked to Frank Caliendo about this. He does a great. Jim Rome. Well, if you're familiar with sports talk, you know who Jim Rome is, and it can be real funny, but the. That's 3% of your audience, you know, so when you do, even. Everybody knows Sam Elliott, everybody. He's one of those guys, you kind of go, oh, you know the guy. He was in that. When, you know. Yeah. You have to remind people he was that guy. You saw him. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Bob Kevoian]

Is he married to Barbara Hershey?

[Tom Griswold]

No, no, it was a Catherine Ross, Are they still married? I think so, as far as I know. I think they are. Longtime love story. Oh, remember. Remember him and the. Remember you and the lifeguard? The lifeguard.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Remember it? I still. I lived it. I still watch it.

[Bob Kevoian]

You still drive that Porsche?

[Tom Griswold]

I'm the only man I ever got off looking at myself. All right, all right. Now, over to you, Tom. I understand you do this. This is a guy everybody knows and he happens to be in one of my favorite movies of all time. Paul Giamatti in Sideways. Yeah. Well, that's just fantastic. You like being Sideways? Another movie where Paul Giamatti gets bad luck and gets pushed around. That's the way it is, you know, I thought it was going to be a real success. I went to Yankee Fail. Never. I was a big actor. Acting school and everything. And all I play is chipmunks and losers. I'm a bucket of sauce with an ass for a face, two big puff balls for eyes. He was in a great movie last year. Just. Was it. Win, win. Yeah, the wrestling. Oh, that was awesome. Win, win. But my agent called it a loose tie. What was the name of the. Tom, the Cleveland, the comic book guy that Paul Giamatti was in. What was the name of that? American Splendor. American Splendor, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. There's another notorious loser. That's right. Another guy couldn't get a date. Guess what? I went to the premiere and nobody would go with me. I had to pray. I. I paid. Paid escort and she didn't show up. Cool. Wow, that's bad. Now, are all of your characters famous people or do you have anything that you've kind of invented that is just on its own, like. Oh, you're talking. Yeah. Me, Paul G. About.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

You mean like Mr. Skippy? What. What are you talking. No, I mean, I. I'm. I wasn't talking to Paul. I was just. Not even talking to me anymore. Not even a goodbye? Not even a see you later. Well, I guess I'll just slap myself in the face and walk out the door. Sorry. I'm sorry. You want to know, Tom, what my Social Security number is? 000-0000-0000. Sorry, Paul. That's all I wanted somebody to apologize. He's all right now. I. I was talking to James. If he. We could have him back again. I feel like the priest. The priest in the.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yes.

[Tom Griswold]

I'm a real boy. I'd like to. Like to talk to Satan again, please. Do you do any like. Well, I do myself. You do yeah, that's my favorite character. I'm continually working on it. How's that going? Oh, it's fine. You know, I got the voice down. That's about it. Working on the physicality.

[Bob Kevoian]

He's asking you, like, do you do Mr. Ricketts, your shop teacher or something like that?

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, I used to do that. You know, I love doing comedians, but not everybody knows who. Nobody knows who any comedians are. Good point. Lewis Black I could do. But Mark. You know, Mark Marin. Sure. Oh, sure. We know. Mark Marin's the best. Yeah, man. I don't know. Is it the best? You're gonna go with the best and I can't do it. I can't do it. But I like what Christie's idea did you do your old shop teacher or your old coaches? That's probably how it all started. There's sometimes those generic ones are ones we all identify with. Even though we didn't have your coach, we know what that guy's like. Right? Okay. This has been. I haven't done this in years. This is my high school football coach. I won't say his name, but my high school football coach, he could be long winded and he would get short of breath and he would just explain football. Like it was his strategy, but he was just going, I'll just do it. He would be like, okay, guys, take a knee. Okay, football. Thing about football is we're gonna want to. We're gonna go down the field and we want to put the ball through the end zone.

[Bob Kevoian]

Okay.

[Tom Griswold]

Like, that's just what. That's it, coach. Right. We got 11 guys. They got 11 guys. Okay. That means that we're going to have to get our 11 guys past their 11 guys. Great strategy. Y. There you go. You get the ball on the ground over the end zone. That's going to be six points on the board. Yes. That's what the sport is. That's nice. Hey, Tom, does that remind you of anybody? I try to make our show inclusive.

[Bob Kevoian]

Do you?

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. I see I've touched a nerve. I see I've touched a distinct nerve.

[Bob Kevoian]

When you talk about things that 2% of the people know about.

[Tom Griswold]

No, but I try to explain what they are.

[Bob Kevoian]

Okay.

[Tom Griswold]

I try to. America's Cop, for instance. Yes. We talked about sailing. And it's. It's. I tell you, it's probably. I would venture to say that the coverage that they're. The amount they're spending, covering that has to be being paid probably costs more than covering an NFL game.

[Bob Kevoian]

I don't know who's sponsoring that or how much money's being spent on commercials.

[Tom Griswold]

But when the sailing races are going, the. Sponsored by Dixie, because that is America's Cup. Yes. Oh, very good. I'm, I, I love those cups with little riddles on them. Little game for you. Have a little drink and get a.

[Bob Kevoian]

Little bit.

[Tom Griswold]

Of taste and get a little question. They'll get a little duckling with a, with a saying of wisdom. That's right.

[Bob Kevoian]

You make your jello shots in those.

[Tom Griswold]

Those are big shots.

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, yeah. You want this done or not? Okay. Are we going to party or not? We got a party or not? Dixie cups. Can you do a shot of Jello or you can do a shot of mouthwash? Take your pick. James. Adomianna is a great impression. We were also talking, was this on or off the air? About shows we're watching. And there's so many shows now and there are so many networks. There are networks I've never even heard of. And they're great people in them. You know, there's an FXX now. Wow. How do you keep up? Well, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I pay attention to my. I don't know what I, I don't know what. It's tough going and watching another tv like a hotel or. And they don't have the. On online menu, you know. You know, chick, I, it's me, Paul Giamatti. I, I auditioned for the FX network. They said, we don't have any room for you. And then the FXX network came out and they said, you know what? Come back in a couple of years when it's fxoxox I V A I, I, I. They've got my number. So I bring this up because, as you say, with the lack of commonality, it's so hard to know who you can do and that people are gonna get. So I guess my question is, what shows do you actually want to. So you can. Favorite shows? Oh, my favorite shows I don't watch a lot. I like Game of Thrones. That's the one big show that everybody watches that I'm into. Right. And mostly it's just beautiful to look at. I don't understand a lot of what's going on because they're British actors and they whisper. So it's just like the others will.

[Bob Kevoian]

Come across the land.

[Tom Griswold]

Fire. All right. I think that's what he said. Okay. All right, if you say so. And then they cut off a guy's head and end scene. Yeah, yeah. So you don't feel obligated to watch a lot of stuff so you can pick up on who these people are or. No. Yeah, I always check in with stuff. I watch the news. I watch. I like to watch crazy news. Guys like Sean Hannity with his pen. What is he? He has his golden pen that he always holds up. Do you see my pen, sir? Do you see my pen, sir? It's a God fearing Reagan voting. This is the kind of pen that Jesus would have had, sir. Why do you hate freedom? I had to be a Jesus. Well, it had to be a cross pen then. Well, goes without saying. Yeah, no, we are. There's no threat here at all. So it's just addicted. Steve Simone is here with us as well. Steve, wrestling, man, you are a maniac. You live in Los Angeles, California. Yes. And you are a monster wrestling fan. So obviously you're single. I did just start dating, so I don't want to jinx it, but yeah, it's girls. She's pretty, dude. She's a pretty, dude. Hey, whatever. Pretty. She's pretty, dude. Yeah, she's so pretty. We were out the other night and people were staring and they're like, is that guy famous? Are you in a band? And I'm like, no. Hey. Hello. I'm Steve Someone. Hello, Steve Someone. That guy's Someone. He has to be. I know that guy's someone. Steve Someone.

[Bob Kevoian]

You're crazy if you don't.

[Tom Griswold]

It's a great name, Steve.

[Bob Kevoian]

Great name.

[Tom Griswold]

Someone Sounds like a name of a perfume. It's a new perfume.

[Bob Kevoian]

Someone.

[Tom Griswold]

Someone. Of course here's on stage, they say, and now Steve Someoni. That's exactly what. After he went through all the trouble. Change it. Me and Gatti would just be in the back blankety blank MCs and mess it up. Uhhuh. You. Do you live alone in Los Angeles? Well, actually, my buddy Steve Renesi on the. I live in his place. Renaissi and Simone. Yep. Oh, it's the great. It's like he's the one of the actors in the league. Yeah, he's on the FXX show the League and he lives in New York with his wife and kids and he comes out to LA LA to film the show and then it's like being in. It's like being in college with money. It's the greatest, most fun ever. College with money. It's like old school. Yeah, it's his house. Cool. And then my buddy with three kids lives across the street and he's always making excuses to come over and hang out. First 15 minutes of freedom. Come over with the dog. My wife thinks I'm walking the dog and I got a beer real fast. Nice. You live in a sitcom? Absolutely. It's the greatest. It's so much fun. Someone's sitcom. Someone tonight on someone. Someone's friends. That's right. Sounds good. Now we have a couple more news stories we needed to squeeze in here. Christina, anything good over there?

[Bob Kevoian]

Eduardo Garcia.

[Tom Griswold]

Yes.

[Bob Kevoian]

Had been on his way.

[Tom Griswold]

Bring me the head of Headwater.

[Bob Kevoian]

Had been on his way to becoming a TV celebrity chef when the unthinkable happened.

[Tom Griswold]

What would that have happened?

[Bob Kevoian]

He lost one of his most valuable kitchen tools.

[Tom Griswold]

Bob. His spatula. His left hand.

[Bob Kevoian]

His hand.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, that's bad. Oh.

[Bob Kevoian]

Garcia is not letting the loss of his all important limb derail his hopes and dreams. He visited Portland last week to be fitted for a prosthetic hand. The robotic hand is so advanced, he will be able to return to the kitchen.

[Tom Griswold]

No way. It slices, it dices. It makes thousands of julienne fries. Although I would watch the reality show Five Finger Kitchen. I would watch that. He won't need one of those oven mitts. No, only one. There's a definition. Who needs a pot holder? Reach right in here. Well, we better check. See if the burner's hot. I have no idea. I have no idea. Holding his hand. Maybe he'd have a thermometer built into the thing. He holds the robot hand over the stove. 450 bake. Not quite yet. That's kind of a happy story, though. Good for him.

[Bob Kevoian]

Starts out sad, but. Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

But I think Bob is right. Five finger Chef. I'm in. I'd watch that.

[Bob Kevoian]

Hey, chick.

[Tom Griswold]

Does he have. Does he have the thing like the tools built into the hand already, do you think? Like a Swiss army hand Corkscrew? Oh, I'd put a blender on the end of that. You could stick your hip. Why wouldn't you just cram the hand down into the. You're doing it wrong if you don't have at least some kind of stirrer. Now, now, James, did you ever work in a kitchen? Coming up, in the world of comedy, were you ever like a waiter? I was a terrible. I was a tear. I was terrible at all food service. When I was a teenager. I spilled coffee on a decent. A decent job, gentlemen, really. And then I worked at a Quiznos when that was new. When I was like 16. And they. I got. I worked there for a week and they fired me. The guy brought me in the office and he was like, James, you make the sandwiches, right, but you're too panicky when you make them in front of the customers. And I'm still upset about that to this day. I'm like, panicky, panicky. I made the sandwiches, right? Shouldn't that be what counts? And what they wanted was somebody would be like, what kind of sandwich would you like? Yes, like really smooth, like Javier Bardem making their sandwich. Definitely. Tell me something. Would you like the Italian herbs and cheese? You want me to hold the pepper? Exactly. I cannot make turkey because beef, it's what's for dinner. That's the other voice, though. I can't shift to the other voice right now. I'm sorry, it's the other voice, but I have to stay with this one because I was given to it by God. That'd be a funny reality prank where you could come to. You could be a waiter, and every time you come to the table you got a different voice, but never say anything about it to the people. So when you were making the sandwich, was it like all of sudden a. A sudden, James, it's showtime. You're on stage. Did you try the voices out? Me and on? No. You know, no. Nobody actually. No one wants to hear you do that unless you have a microphone. It turns out if you just go out in the street. Yeah, it. It. There's a very thin line what I do. And someone talking to himself. You don't want to be able see the nutball behind the counter. Quiznos. I wouldn't go in there if I were you. Yeah, you don't want to test the. Out those. Those cold cuts. Yeah, yeah. He thinks he's Paul Giamatti. Oh, geez. Yeah.

[Bob Kevoian]

Well.

[Tom Griswold]

You try being on a billboard when you can't even get an Oscar nomination. Second job just to pay for the third job.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, my God.

[Bob Kevoian]

Well, 19 years after the Beatles released their successful live at the BBC out. Yeah, they're going for round two, Chick.

[Tom Griswold]

Beatles at the Beeb 2 on air.

[Bob Kevoian]

Live at the BBC, volume two.

[Tom Griswold]

Possibly beyond that. Did they just hire Jimi Hendrix, old manager.

[Bob Kevoian]

They're gonna include 37 previously unreleased performances from 63 and 64 features their version of Chuck Berry's I'm talking about you. A rock version of the standard Beautiful Dreamer. Also includes the band bantering with the beauty BBC hosts.

[Tom Griswold]

Hey, here we are. Here we are. No, he's. Here we go now. Tell me, Ringo, what are you thinking when you go 1, 2, 3? Unbelievable.

[Bob Kevoian]

It will be out in a few seconds.

[Tom Griswold]

Those baby times that is 3, 2, 1. Peace. And love. Peace and love. No autographs after October 20th. Peace and love. If you've Chicken. Nailed it, though. If you listen to those BBC shows, they've been. They're great. They've got all these amazing bands, but the. The announcers, the hosts, they're not very hip. Really, really stiff, which is great, though they're old. They just. They sound. They sound like a. Like a cigar box they could be talking about. Or Winston Churchill. We had Duke Ellington in here recently. Do you play all music with honor? Yes. Do you do it for the crowd? An excellent question. Or do you do it for the queen? We're coming right back. Stand by on a Tuesday morning for Tom speak. You don't want to miss it. It's coming up next here on the Bob and Tom Show. When you've had too much to drink, there's certain things to keep in mind. Like if you find your hands and underarms are bleeding, your beer bottle might not have a twist off cap. And don't ever go home with a woman they call moose or vimps. And never bet that you can fit your head inside a glove compartment. Get dunked with dignity. Keep in mind that just because a bulldog licks your face, it's not necessary to lick him back. Stay away from drinks with names like brain seizure or hippo laxative. Get drunk with dignity. If a bar has human ears nailed to the walls, don't pass out there. And if your homemade jello has some goldfish in it, you use the wrong bowl. And there are phrases you must learn to avoid. Phrases like that badge looks stupid and I can prove these shoes are fireproof. Get drunk with dignity. Try not to drool on bikers. Don't moon a nun unless you've got a real good reason. Don't get romantically involved with farm machinery. Get drunk with dignity. This is the Bob and Tom Show. Welcome back on a Tuesday morning. This is Christopher in the Bob and Tom studios. Here is a segment. Very funny. As we translate some Tom Speak ladies in the room would include Christy Lee at the news desk. Hey, getting ready to drill deep. It's Jess Hooker. Jess, how are you? I'm well. How are you? I'm doing fine, thank you very much.

[Bob Kevoian]

Happy belated birthday.

[Tom Griswold]

Thank you very much. Had a nice birthday? It was very, very cool.

[Bob Kevoian]

The kids make you dinner?

[Tom Griswold]

No, went to the park, got my bike fixed. Let's see, what else do you call a birthday cake? A birthday cake? What do you mean? Well, there are some things that you. You don't use the proper Words. The kids made me a birthday cake a few days ago. That was our big adventure on Saturday. The cake lady came over. You never did tell us what it was shaped like. It was just a two tier cake with my name on it. Little, little critters created out of critters fondant.

[Bob Kevoian]

What's up? You didn't see the picture?

[Tom Griswold]

No. Yeah, I'll show you the picture. It was very nice. Nice birthday. Thank you very much. I tend to stumble over my words sometimes. Can't remember what I'm trying to do. What I'm trying to say is, welcome to the Napa Auto Parts studio. This is the Bob and Tom program. Happy to be here. Well, let's move on here. Now it's time to dig deep. What's our topic today? We're gonna do Tom speak. I got on Twitter and Instagram and I asked people what they wanted me to dig deep into and they wanted me to talk about all the wild things Tom says. Oh, sometimes you, in the heat of battle, in the heat of battle, you have to kind of dance around something. You can't remember a specific word, like you're trying to say cat. And you think of, you know, the pointy eared furry thing. Yeah, that's a good example. So are you gonna give us examples of Tom speaking? We'll tell you what, we'll translate it. Or how do you. Yeah. Or you could guess. Yeah. Okay. Go through it. It's possible that Tom had a fun hut at his birthday party this week. I'm gonna guess he meant a bouncy house. He did. He meant bouncing. He calls it the fun hut. Well, I have. I do. I do own a fun hut. I do. I did. I went on your own fun, huh? They're not very expensive. I got a really nice one. See? And this also adds to it. He sees nothing wrong with using the. A new term for. For words that are widely accepted. I couldn't think of it bouncy house. But they're not all houses. Sometimes they have castles, configurations. The one I have is kind of a castle, now that I think about it. It's on my front lawn right now.

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, I bet your neighbors love that.

[Tom Griswold]

It's not. It's not. I mean, it's. It's on. It's not. The, the fan gizmo isn't hooked up because it only works when you flip the switch on the.

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, so it's laying.

[Tom Griswold]

So it's a fun carpet. It's a bouncy carpet. It's laying there deflated. Sadly, Laying on your. Killing your grass.

[Bob Kevoian]

Sad looking.

[Tom Griswold]

I'll, I'll move it this afternoon, but sure, sure.

[Bob Kevoian]

Okay.

[Tom Griswold]

But yeah, yeah. What about. Maybe the girls were riding their sit down tricycles. I don't know that well. Is that a big wheel? It's a big wheel. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Right, right. If you're of a certain age. This is one of the funniest things I think Gallagher ever did when Gallagher rode out on the giant big wheel because those didn't come around until a certain, those emerged in a certain era. And they were fun and you kind of missed out on those. But you know, you sit down on a regular tricycle, they're more recumbent. Yes. They are precise. You're closer to the ground, sir. Yeah. And there's no gears. It's just direct.

[Bob Kevoian]

Dr. You don't have gears on a tricycle either.

[Tom Griswold]

The good ones, you do your 10 speed tricycles. Those are good tricycles.

[Bob Kevoian]

Teach them early.

[Tom Griswold]

Tommy, I was, I was at the bike store yesterday. There are now. Well, there's sort of two conflicting things. You can get the, the no gear bikes. If you're a hipster.

[Bob Kevoian]

Have you ridden on a no gear bike? A cruiser bike with.

[Tom Griswold]

Not uphill. There's a reason, there's a reason they came up with the gear. Yes. But there are some now that they have like, you know, 35. Wow. It's like, it's like too many, too many flavors of ice cream to choose from. I'm sorry, what else other words have I not used correctly?

[Bob Kevoian]

I'm just gonna read a couple of my favorites, personally.

[Tom Griswold]

A beautiful marionette. What's that? Is a puppet. There's a distinction. I'll defend myself on this. No, do the one that I. Marionette. A marionette hangs from strings. Right. Daniel Day Lewis movie. There's one. She pointed out that I thought I was going to pass out.

[Bob Kevoian]

I was laughing so hard.

[Tom Griswold]

We were at lunch the other day and we just pulled it up on the website. All the tomspeak is [e-mail] and I.

[Bob Kevoian]

Said Tom uses the term aggressively naked.

[Tom Griswold]

When he's talking about indecent. Yeah. But when you think about it, it's dead off. Yeah, yeah. I mean there's one thing on, you know, stumbling, stumbling upon someone in the shower or walking, walking down the street and a man jumps out aggressively naked. Look at this, baby. Here I come, baby. That would be actionable. Yeah. As they say.

[Bob Kevoian]

Okay, what about a bathrobe with the special belt?

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, a robe. A karate gi in Other words. Yes. Yes. The karate outfit has a colored belt, signifying your level of expertise.

[Bob Kevoian]

Sure.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah.

[Bob Kevoian]

Right. But you're not wearing a bathrobe.

[Tom Griswold]

I couldn't think of the word karate because ghee is also clarified butter, so.

[Bob Kevoian]

That's true.

[Tom Griswold]

What about. Is it spelled the same way, by the way? No, it's gi. Ghee is gi. That should be a good crossword puzzle word for you. Yeah. Or is that both? Should be. Yeah. G H E and ghee. Gi. Yeah. What about a ninja frisbee? What's that? It's a throwing star. The throwing star. Ninja frisbee. Much, much. I think it's much more to the point. Very helpful for people. Our son is taking karate lessons. He's throwing those ninja frisbees. Oh, really? Jimmy's throwing a ninja frisbee. Did you get him one of those bathrobes with a special belt? Well, he hopes to one of these weeks. He doesn't want to be aggressively naked. He needs a robe. I remember when he was still in his sit down tric. Yeah. Wasn't that long ago that he was just playing in the fire. Yeah. Oh, God.

[Bob Kevoian]

All right.

[Tom Griswold]

What about a fart bag? Oh, that's. Oh, that's a whoopie cushion. I don't know. That was. See? Whoopee cushion. We went through a phase, like 10 years ago or 15 on the show where we all had whoopee cushions.

[Bob Kevoian]

We would.

[Tom Griswold]

Not. One of those fart bags. Fart bag. Much more accurate description. Whoopee cushion. Why did you be such a fart bag? Here's a trivia fact about whoopee cushions. Do you know that Whoopi Goldberg gets her name from the whoopee cushion? Oh, really? Absolutely. I didn't know that. Whoopi Goldberg is. That's not her real name. Karen something. Yeah. And she was. Goldberg was a family she was working for, and she. It's that and whoopee cushion, which I think makes sense. I think she. They both stopped being funny after 30 seconds. Aggressively naked. But that's not great at all. What about a water fluffer? What is that? That's a hooker and a hot tub. It's a jacuzzi. Water fluff. Makes the water.

[Bob Kevoian]

Makes the water fluff.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, Jacuzzi. Jacuzzi is a brand name. I couldn't remember what it was. This is. Makes the water fluffy for the girls. You know, you put. We've had a strong defense for every one of these, by the way. Oh, he's totally everything.

[Bob Kevoian]

He's not going down Everything.

[Tom Griswold]

Absolutely. No, the problem is when you're talking about stuff like this and you just forget words. I get it. Yeah. No, I, I, I forget words. You forget words all the time. You go, you know the thing with the two, the chain and the two wheels. Right. It happens. You talk for a living. I mean, if you drive a car, if you drive a truck, for the odds of you getting in a wreck if you're a driver are much higher than if you're. So what about a statue with pants? A statue with pants. A mannequin. I think the term, I think the term mannequin is sexist. Once again, he, these are words that he's used phrases many times. I remember using that. I could not think of the word mannequin. You know those statues that have pants on them. This one might be easy. A space sword.

[Bob Kevoian]

Lightsaber.

[Tom Griswold]

Again, I couldn't remember because I don't live at those movies of the Star wars movies. Two of them are worth watching. Okay. A sandpaper stick.

[Bob Kevoian]

Emery board. I know that was his. Yes. He still uses that off the air.

[Tom Griswold]

I've heard it.

[Bob Kevoian]

Sandpaper sticks.

[Tom Griswold]

Do you have any sandpaper sticks? Well, as a matter of fact, I keep some over here now.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yep.

[Tom Griswold]

They are a sandpaper stick. It is a sandpaper stick. Look, I bought some and they're the Revlon sandpaper stick. No, it's got some French word, limage de qualite or something.

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, nice. Look at that.

[Tom Griswold]

We used to use these in shop class with Mr. Waddell. We'd have these sandpaper sticks. Woody Waddell. Yeah. Great artist and fine man. Of course he was. He just didn't have a shop teacher. Josh. He was an artist.

[Bob Kevoian]

You don't use a sandpaper stick on your face, do you?

[Tom Griswold]

He wasn't also the gym coach. He wore a beret. He won the gold in Mexico City. When we return next hour. Jeff Oskay and do's and don'ts on a first date. No one to miss that. Coming up next though, Frank Caliendo and Greg Hahn together. This is the Bob and Tom show. Welcome back to the Bob and Tom show here on a Tuesday as we wind down 2025. This is Christopher in the Bob and Tom studios. The gang is back in here live next Monday morning. So obviously be here for that. Frank Caliendo and Greg Hahn in studio together in this best of segment on the Bob and Tom show. We are worldwide on American forces radio. We've got a world class. We have two world class comedians in the studio. We, we have three world class comedians in the studio. Thank you very much. Frank Caliendo has joined us in the Napa Auto Parts Studios. You know Frank from ESPN from Fog. You've been on many, many a network. Also joining us in the studio, it's the color. It's the fall color season. As the trees change, so does the hair on comedian Greg Hahn. That's right. A little bird's eye maple today. Bird's eye maple. Very nice. Chocolate thunder. A fake. That's it. All right, everybody, Thursday starts the weekend. Jager bombs and body shots get loose. Get out of there. Late lunch. Fake a hammy doctor's appointment. Get home early. Let's go. I do a whole show like this, Frank. Volume control issues. Can't wait to see who's ready for some introspective, nuanced musings. The funny thing is I watched you writing stuff down and you write like you talk chicken scratch.

[Bob Kevoian]

It's a very nice shirt, Greg. Han.

[Tom Griswold]

Thanks. Thanks, Chris. I said, and it got awkward. So I don't know, it makes a statement. Statement is I shot by myself? Come on, do jokes. What is this, the check drop?

[Bob Kevoian]

Let's go.

[Tom Griswold]

I'm not like other comedians. They use gimmicks, likability, timing, good material. None of that stuff in my program. Pure panic. I don't get taste today. I'll be irate. Ah, Greg, it's always a pleasure to see you.

[Bob Kevoian]

You make me feel wakes you up.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, I was just, I was saying earlier, one of my sons called last night and he's got a college assignment to write a paper about a contemporary comedian who would fit in perfectly in vaudeville. And I thought about it and I thought about it and I thought about it and I went, wait a second, it's Greg Hahn.

[Bob Kevoian]

So is he writing the paper on Greg Hahn?

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. Oh, great.

[Bob Kevoian]

Did you know that?

[Tom Griswold]

No. Oh, really? Yeah. And the professor's actually. Well, it's too boring to explain, but yeah, I'm fascinated. I'm riveted. No, because I, I mean, h. I don't know anything. I don't want to know more. You know, Calendo couldn't walk if they pushed Frank on a stage in 1920 and he starts going, that John Gruden. They'd be going, what the hell's this? Well, he do something. Tell you what, man, don't you love cranking up your car to get it started? That's right. He would be perfect for the time. I tell you what, man, he do a mean Henry Ford. How old's that Guy, When's he going to die? Tell you what your hear this assembly line. Everybody's doing their part, man. You're like human machines and point well taken. And I stand corrected. Obviously Frank Caliendo could plug himself in. But I'm saying who is a guy you could pretty much take, not change his act one bit, Shove him on stage in 1920 and I think it would work fine. That's a compliment. No, no. It started as a compliment and then what happened? His comedy, it got sideways in the wine bar. No, you capture sort of the essence of the human condition whose act is so dusty. The weird thing is he, he would be opening for John Fox who would be doing the same. John Fox, 1922 Firemen walk into a smoke filled room. It's great to see you. Gr. Thanks for. I meant that in the nicest way. No, I appreciate. Oh, give me a break. Comedy's not my thing. Okay. You know, I gotta be honest with you. I've seen Greg and he kills and it's very funny. But I would. I almost think I'd rather see you bombing. I'd rather see what happens just to see that energy continue. It is very funny. Not for me does that. No, but does that happen?

[Bob Kevoian]

I've never bombed.

[Tom Griswold]

I have seen. Of course not a bomb. But I have seen one thing. The worst thing that a comedian has to do is perform in front of a corporate audience audience that is drinking and not sitting down, not paying attention. And they're all talking to one another. And for my money, the greatest corporate comedian is Greg Hahn. Super clean walks in, I've seen him just kill. I'm not bad. Are you doing corporate shows, Frank? I do. I used to, until today. That's Frank Kelly. Frank can do whatever he wants. You're on TV all the time. Kidding. I would do a lot more TV if these guys that booked those shows didn't care so much about their jobs. But I was with this one event and Greg's up there just giving it all. And all these people are just so into themselves, they're talking and blah, blah. You've seen this, you've seen great bands get ignored.

[Bob Kevoian]

Totally. It's awful.

[Tom Griswold]

There's nothing tougher than doing a show for multi millionaires and billionaires. Because I've had to do that at like golf things before. And you can't tell them what they're all boss. So if you try to tell them, watch. Everybody immediately does exist. I'm not watching. They go and do their own thing. That's the toughest Thing in the world, the corporate shows. And then a lot of times you get a meeting planner. Those are the worst words I've ever heard is meeting planner. Because that means there's somebody who's got an idea that they're gonna try something new for this group. And like, let's just do what's worked for the last 100 years. How about that? You know, a stage where everybody facing. Sitting down, focusing on the act. No, let's do in the round outside, just off the ocean. Yeah.

[Bob Kevoian]

That's turned up cocktail tables.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. No microphone, so it's natural. Across a moat. And all the waitresses will be topless. And we'll have a fireworks display in a country where they don't speak any English. Now, when you. They do that to me. Have you had that? I've had everything. I've had everything. And it's probably better for you because I feel like you're much more universal than me. I'm very US centric. But they're like, oh, 75% of the crowd is going to be from Japan. What? I remember I saw you. I've told you this before. You were doing a residency in Vegas. Great show. I went to see the show, and there must have been some bus tour that had gotten. They'd come straight from Tokyo. Straight from Tokyo on the bus. And do you remember what. After the show. Show. I told you this particular group, they kind of sat there the whole time and, like, you would do Jim Rome, right? You know, AM radio, sports, Stud. And they're all sitting there. But when you did. When you did Domo Oregato, when you did Schwarzenegger and Stallone, they went ballistic. Yeah, you do the easy stuff. That would just happen. I remember doing that in a thing for back when I had the show on Warner Brothers, then the wb, that they did an international thing, and none of the stuff that I thought was interesting was working. So I just start doing Schwarzenegger going, get down. And like, you're just going, this is. This is the oldest thing, you know, do more Forrest Gump. I'm like, oh, I like to be close to the crowd. I like to be close to the audience. I tell them that. I can't emphasize that enough. Close. And once they're like, we need at least 15ft for the roast beef. We're gonna be bringing out the roast beef. I'm like, the roast beef is gonna kill. And the question mark, I can't follow the roadmap. They do that, they'll get like a $200 band and they'll set up for the band, and then they'll be paying me a bunch of money. And I'm like, really? You're gonna set up the whole room for the band at the end of the night that nobody's gonna dance for? And you're paying me a ton of money. Why have me? Because you're ruining it for. I don't care. I always tell them it's not about me. It's about, I'm trying to do the best show for you, but they'll do that. And I used to have a thing in. In the contract that say, must be the way it was worded. They thought it was supposed to. The audience had to be 10ft or further. No, I want you to be closer than 10ft. I want you to be right up on stage. And they would always. Then you get there and you're like, across a gym, like, right? Everything's wrong. Everything's perfectly wrong. But when it's right, Any show I go to, I was. I always say I believe it. I believe it. Right. The moat in front of the stage. Go ahead, Tom. You're promoting me. Don't let me interrupt. No, no. I just wanted to say that with us in the studio, let's introduce our guest, shall we? We have the famous Chick McGee across the way. Your sports. Okay, now, later on when you think about this, you're going to say, boy, that Chick, he was a real pain in the ass. When Han was there. It wasn't me, it was him. Okay, I know how you get us confused. Okay, do. One of my favorite things is, first of all, in the studio, the great Frank Caliendo. The great Greg Hahn. Right now, Chick, one of my favorite things is when you try to set up one of Greg's bits and he doesn't know which one it is. This is one of my favorite things. You'll. I can't remember any that I like. Hang on a second. It'll come to me. I'll just dive in. I'll be Chick. How about one? Which one do you like? My favorite one is how do you break up with a woman? Oh, how do you break up with a woman? That's a good question. Is that one of my bits? Yeah, I believe. Oh, the text messages we were talking about. You got a text. Eight years. Good run. I'm out. Send block. Good. And I've yet never used lol. I heard you talking about lol. Who uses that? When I first read that, didn't you picture somebody reading what you wrote and laughing out loud. For real. Lol. Sin. We're coming back. We've got some helpful suggestions. Do's and don'ts on a first date. That's coming up in just a minute here on the Bob and Tom Show. It's the best of the Bob and Tom Show. Welcome back. This is Christopher in the O'Reilly Auto Parts studios. Think O'Reilly Auto Parts. For all your car care needs. Get the parts and service you need fast from the professional parts people at O'Reilly Auto Parts. Some do's and don'ts on a first date. Right now, we're going to check in with Christy Lee. Now, you said you told me in the green room we have romance in the news.

[Bob Kevoian]

Absolutely.

[Tom Griswold]

Who doesn't love romance, right?

[Bob Kevoian]

Everyone loves where you flirt. Where you flirt can make or break your chances of getting together.

[Tom Griswold]

This is important, isn't it? You mean location, not orifice? Yes, you flirt through orifices. Or your eyes or your mouth. No, Tom, just trying to clarify sometimes. You ever have one? I wrote the beginning of the story. I think I made it very clear. I wrote. Wrote it. I wrote it.

[Bob Kevoian]

Why don't you read it?

[Tom Griswold]

Hey, you're cute. Let's keep this here. No, please.

[Bob Kevoian]

New research shows that the location and setting matters more than looks, charm, or even how well you know the person.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, come on.

[Bob Kevoian]

Across five studies, chick, people were much more likely to say yes to a romantic advance in places like bars or dating apps. In other words, anywhere that feels socially appropriate.

[Tom Griswold]

Right. Instead of on safari or at Awake or at a. Well, that's. That's actually in here. Josh, hit it.

[Bob Kevoian]

Less welcome flirtations in offices, doctors, waiting rooms or funerals. And here's a.

[Tom Griswold]

Can you imagine hitting on somebody? So sorry to hear about your husband, by the way. I got a nice roast beef at my house. I got. Want to come over?

[Bob Kevoian]

It happens all the time.

[Tom Griswold]

I think we need to focus on his pickup line as he's got meat at his house and he wants to share it with.

[Bob Kevoian]

Women do that all the time.

[Tom Griswold]

Hey, you want to come over and. What? The old. The old delivering the casserole? Yeah, that's kind of an old trope, but.

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, yeah, I bet it.

[Tom Griswold]

It came from somewhere, didn't it? Sure did. Yeah.

[Bob Kevoian]

Margaret does it on Grace and Frankie. It's a beautiful scene.

[Tom Griswold]

I just don't think that the point of this article. You don't do it standing next to the casket.

[Bob Kevoian]

Attractive people fared better overall. Duh.

[Tom Griswold]

From the. From the Shinola Institute of Technology. No. Shinola.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, Me Mom. Would you like to go out sometime?

[Bob Kevoian]

But they even bombed in the wrong place. No, not at a funeral. Familiarity helped a little, but it wasn't a deal breaker. In fact, people didn't like when a friend made a move in an awkward place. Like you should know better than that, man.

[Tom Griswold]

The doctor's office is real funny too.

[Bob Kevoian]

The waiting room. Can you imagine? Nobody talks in the waiting room at the doctor's office.

[Tom Griswold]

What are you in for? You got the same crash and same same your. Is your groin still itching like mine? I got a wicked rash. Have you ever had to call a. A past lover and tell them that you have no STD and they need to get tested? You've never had to do that. Boy. Thankfully I haven't either. Anybody? No. Those are some tough calls. And do them. Yeah. You know, if you're thinking out there, you already did them. Well. Oh, you mean make the calls. Yes. So what is a good place then.

[Bob Kevoian]

To the type of invite mattered as well? A dinner day was usually more welcome than a come on over pitch, which Tom just threw out.

[Tom Griswold]

I got some roast beef over here.

[Bob Kevoian]

Especially for women. And especially in places where romance feels out of of place. Bottom line, people respond to flirting, but it has a lot to do with the vibe of the room, which makes sense. Bars equal good. Funerals equal not so good.

[Tom Griswold]

What do you think about what other? The gym. Yeah, the gym. The farmer's market is a big one. These are both good.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yes.

[Tom Griswold]

Good. Yeah, the gym. No like places that you enjoy going is where you would want to meet people you have things in common with. Christy, you're saying no to the gym?

[Bob Kevoian]

Not at the gym.

[Tom Griswold]

You're focused. You're. I say no to the gym. I think the gym is very sexual. You're not feel most.

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, I'm sweaty and gross.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, you're all sweaty. Yeah, but if he's gonna hit on me like this. The pheromones. If he likes. If he likes, you know, Stinky Christie. He's gonna be okay when you. You know.

[Bob Kevoian]

But there are powder up.

[Tom Griswold]

Or maybe not. Maybe he just wants stinky. That's true.

[Bob Kevoian]

And then there are the people that just go to the gym to get picked up. We've all seen them. Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Face some makeup.

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, man.

[Tom Griswold]

I think too Tom is missing the boat. I think you should teach a course on picking up women roast beef and tell. I can't believe he said roast beef. That's so funny. The powder up. That was. And you know what he does. Hey, you want to come to my house for some roast beef? No. Probably. Probably a vegan. I hear you fart a lot.

[Bob Kevoian]

You're gassy.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, probably a lesbian. Vegan. Lesbian. Didn't we have a. I, I think we just had a thing recently also about geographical location. You know, irrespective of where. If you're at the gym or the funeral, whatever. Certain places are significantly more romantic, I imagine if you're in Paris, France versus, say, Paris, Illinois.

[Bob Kevoian]

Ethiopia. Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

You want to go out? Why? Do you have food? No. Then, no. My friend Tom has roast beef. Yeah. How about that back in the States.

[Bob Kevoian]

Let's talk about that. First date. Is using a coupon extended acceptable?

[Tom Griswold]

No. Absolutely. No. No.

[Bob Kevoian]

A new circle would laugh. I would laugh.

[Tom Griswold]

What about a. Okay, go ahead.

[Bob Kevoian]

And a new survey suggests attitudes about frugality are shifting among Americans with respect to budget conscious dating. In a Talker Research poll, 55% said it's perfectly fine to use a coupon on a first date. Over 35% would be impressed if a date used reward points to pay.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, all right. I see.

[Bob Kevoian]

No, 60. 60% find frugality a positive trait.

[Tom Griswold]

So the coupon. You're obviously going to be at a. You're not going to be at, you know. No, no. There's. There are nice restaurants that have frequent car shopper cards or whatever. Yeah.

[Bob Kevoian]

Or you get a 10 coupon.

[Tom Griswold]

Really nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bob Kevoian]

You're looking at me like I'm crazy. Not like I can show you one or more tonight.

[Tom Griswold]

Not like Sardis or the Brown Derby or someplace that you think. Still. Still open. We have the two. Two for one. Chateaubriand for two. She'd like the hamburger. As Greg on says, I'd like the filet.

[Bob Kevoian]

More than 25% describe frugality as being sexy. And over half said they've been turned off by someone trying to show off their money. $125 is the most people are comfortable spending on a first date.

[Tom Griswold]

Who's. Who's turned off by somebody showing off money? I think they mean. They mean. They mean being real showy, like whipping out a big wad. Yeah, it's. That's hot.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah. I'll take this much.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah.

[Bob Kevoian]

This was surprising.

[Tom Griswold]

Like in Goodfellas. I need this much money and you hold your fingers apart.

[Bob Kevoian]

Nearly 50% are happy to split the bill on a first date.

[Tom Griswold]

Now, now you're talking aces language. I wouldn't allow it. But I, I do believe that that's probably accurate. Most. Yeah, I've had a lot. I've had a lot of girls in my dating life. Offer.

[Bob Kevoian]

Offer.

[Tom Griswold]

Yes.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

And you turn them down. I said no. No. If you pay half, then you don't owe me anything sexual, so I'd rather have the no. And what is that? That illustrates full communication. Exactly. And by the way, I saved money on these condoms. There's an expiration date that's passed. But, hey, you know, they're. We're fine. There's no reason to think that they're rotting. Can I pay half? No, I'd rather have the Uber be. I love the Uber beach. We had that for dessert. Uber be. Is that the one where they take the torch, they crisp up the top? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's. I'd like the Uber now. How about a guy that's your first date? And he goes, listen, about a month ago, I bought this Groupon. It's a lovely thing. We can go paint and drink wine at this place.

[Bob Kevoian]

That would be fun.

[Tom Griswold]

Would you guys be okay with the Groupon scenario?

[Bob Kevoian]

Yes, that would be fun.

[Tom Griswold]

Okay. Yeah. Okay. I don't think so. You. You're against it. I'm against it. Yeah. Although any activity is better than, like, a movie. If you can actually communicate to the person and you do something together, that might be fun. Have you ever planned a movie knowing that you didn't really want to go on the date? Like, you're like. Maybe you talked to them and was.

[Bob Kevoian]

Like, oh, gosh, let's just go to the movie, because I really don't want to talk to.

[Tom Griswold]

No, I know. A movie's a great state because you don't. You don't talk. Yeah. Weird thing happened to me. I went to a place, and they offered me the senior menu, and they offered my date the kids menu. That was awkward and rad. Isn't. Isn't Tom funny? Funny? How about a character, by the way, Josh, in the wake of your joke, a character named HJ Uber. Hi, HJ Uber. How are you? I like it a lot. I don't. I. Let's not sleep on be. Come on, now. I like be. We were discussing first dates.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah. Whether it's acceptable to use a coupon or not.

[Tom Griswold]

Impact claims. What is this? I don't claim. It's the truth. I am a romantic. I pay for every meal. Do you know? Yeah, I do, too. Is that romantic?

[Bob Kevoian]

You mean you pay for your meal?

[Tom Griswold]

I pay for every meal. When I'm on a date, every meal. Both hers and McDonald's is a dollar menu. Okay. I have no reason to doubt you, Pat. I'm. I'M the same way. I know. Yeah. Yeah, it feels right. Yeah, it does feel right. It feels right. Well, the essence of the story was that it's important if you're making a. Making a move, that you do it in a. In the appropriate place. They literally said, don't do it at a funeral home. Yeah. Unless she's real hot. Were there other places they said don't?

[Bob Kevoian]

I missed. Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Doctors waiting.

[Bob Kevoian]

Doctors waiting rooms and at the office.

[Tom Griswold]

Now, my girlfriend. My girlfriend will often sneak and get it. Get it to the person first. She's also extremely generous. Oh, you're talking about paying the bill. Paying the bill. Going back to the building. I just want to make that. Oh, no. The way you said it, it sounded like she was. While you were on a date, she would sneak away and ask another guy out. And by the way, happened the one time. No, no, I'd like to. I'd like to speak on behalf of the room. Pat, when you just said that you wanted to remind people that your. Your girlfriends stay sometimes too, you didn't sound frightened of her at all. So I just like to get that out there.

[Bob Kevoian]

And we were well aware of.

[Tom Griswold]

So good job.

[Bob Kevoian]

She does pay.

[Tom Griswold]

I'm curious if you are, guys, if you are meeting your girl's father for the first time. Yeah. You sneak off and pay for dinner so that he can't. Oh, I. I see. I've never done the bill, so when.

[Bob Kevoian]

The bill comes, it's already taken care of.

[Tom Griswold]

I've never met. I've only met fathers at the homes. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't think I would. You wouldn't? I wouldn't want to be. I feel like it's a little presumptuous.

[Bob Kevoian]

Okay.

[Tom Griswold]

I. I have done that. But then I saw the Sopranos episode where Tony loses his mind.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Because Finn plays. Pays the bill. Meadow's boyfriend. Right. And he just. Hey, I pay. Right. So when you grow up and have your daughter, then you pay. That's how it was. That's. I'm kind of with Tony on that. Yeah. Okay. There you go. I mean, he was also upset, maybe for other reasons. Oh, he was upset.

[Bob Kevoian]

I didn't see this.

[Tom Griswold]

And the fact that they were a jack in the box. Hey, thanks. Big Bender. I'm not sure if he had to kill Big yet or not. But you let the dad be the dad. Right? Or. Or the patriarch in that sort of. Yeah, I could see that. I have brought mother's flowers, that kind of thing. Okay. When I meet them.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

And I'M telling you what that kills. I mean, that goes over with everybody.

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, sure.

[Tom Griswold]

Really? That really wins. You take off the thing saying, we're sorry about your loss. Nobody, nobody sees it for what it is. A manipulate, a thinly veil, thinly veiled, getting her pants, you know, and you, you wink, you wink at the mom. Yeah, this doesn't work out with your daughter. And you know, I say nice things like, oh, I see where she got her huge boobs. And by the way, can you go up to a room, grab an extra pair of panties because I'm keeping these. And do you tell her, you must be her sister. You can't be her mother. Oh, don't like that? Hell yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay.

[Bob Kevoian]

Speaking of boobs, Scientists have determined that the love heterosexual men have breasts is innate and not imposed by cultural modesty norms.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. You think it might have something to do with the fact that we fed off of them for the first year of our lives?

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah, right. Researchers studied the Dani tribe of western New Guinea.

[Tom Griswold]

Hi, I'm Danny.

[Bob Kevoian]

I'm Danny.

[Tom Griswold]

This is. We're all Danny.

[Bob Kevoian]

Where it was norm for women to go topless up until 20 years ago when tribal women began covering bring up. They interviewed the Danny men who came of age when all women were topless as well as those who grew up in a society where women covered up and discovered both groups felt the same about breasts.

[Tom Griswold]

Hey, Danny, what are these broads doing covering up their boobs and not the other way? When I was a Danny, I can tell you that. You know what? This started all changed when Danny got in charge. Yeah. What are you doing over there, Danny? We got upset. Danny, you know who, who should take over. Danny should take over. Hey, Danny, you're out. Danny, you're in. Danny's long to live Danny.

[Bob Kevoian]

Danny. The head researcher stated, quote, what we can say is breasts are sexy naturally. So men like breasts.

[Tom Griswold]

I duh. I disagree strongly. How so? Here's the other thing. I think up until. I'm not sure when this happened, but within my lifetime, everything has gone from boobs and now it's butts. Everything has changed. I see what you're saying. So you started out as a boob guy, but were you breastfeeding? Breastfed. I was not breastfed. And as Tom knows, that's the only thing keeping me out of the hospital. Well, that's now see, I'm an ass man, but I think it's because when I was growing up, I was butt fed. Doctors begged my mother not to do that. That's Interesting. Isn't butt fed one of the Star wars characters? She squeezed the bottom behind her cheeks. For me, it's all in the eyes. Oh, really? Yeah. I'm not, I don't objectify. Who are you? I can barely stand it.

[Bob Kevoian]

I know.

[Tom Griswold]

I'm serious. Who are you auditioning for? No, no. So, yeah, you're, you're only interested in the eyes. The eyes and the intellect and the person.

[Bob Kevoian]

You're only interested in what your eyes see on the other person's breast.

[Tom Griswold]

The woman's eyes. I believe it was stated in a nice cover by the J Gals band. First you look at the purse, I believe is the song. That's sweet, sweet Percy. Now. So the essence of this were true.

[Bob Kevoian]

Wouldn'T women be fascinated with breasts?

[Tom Griswold]

Yes, that's, that's why I don't think they kind of are. I don't think it's the breastfeeding thing. What this is saying, saying is in, in for example, in contemporary American culture, breasts are covered up all the time for the most part.

[Bob Kevoian]

Right.

[Tom Griswold]

And they wanted to see if, in a culture in which they were not covered up, if they were still that, you know, desensitized. And they, and the fact is they were not. They apparently. I don't know how they measured it, but the people in the Danny tribe that were exposed to breasts all the time, they still, I guess, really dug them in a lady. You know what? I. Boy, I'm going to confess to something here, and I think that you guys, I would be interested to know how many men particularly agree I prefer clothed boobs. Like, I, to me, I'm more turned on by like a great pair of boobs and a sweater. Sure. Than I am like nude on a beach. Do you get excited, though, when she takes the sweater off? Like, are you anticipating? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I want to, I want to feel them and stuff, but I, I, I just, I. Something about a woman in a great bra or a shirt. I like a nice T shirt with the bra off. Yeah, that's very exciting. Yeah. What happened to the.

[Bob Kevoian]

You were lying to us.

[Tom Griswold]

I'm a new fan of the boob thing. My girlfriend has a nice rack.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah, we've heard people.

[Tom Griswold]

No, we've seen people yell at me at strip clubs, though, because, hey, put that back on. You get more money if you put it back on. Does this meant. Does this article mention. I know it's scientific. Does it mention the, the concept of motorboating?

[Bob Kevoian]

No, it doesn't.

[Tom Griswold]

Okay. And when you do it, do you make this out of a Chris Craft or do you go with more contemporary? Yeah, as opposed to an Evinrude or a Giant. Okay, good. I think Chris Craft is better. I love that noise. Is that.

[Bob Kevoian]

There's no way she allows you.

[Tom Griswold]

Is that trademark the should be like the Harley Davidson. Yeah, I think Harley Harley trademark their song. There must be women who love being motorboated. Sure. Just get your face in there and go to town.

[Bob Kevoian]

I can't imagine that that's.

[Tom Griswold]

I think the. But out of all the women out there, it may only be 1%. Yeah, I'm sure there's like women who get turned on standing in strawberry jello. But I mean you're going to find. Isn't that. You didn't mention that I got a boner now. Look what you did to pat. You can't stand the garment. Strawberry sham. Damn. Strawberry jello, please. That's the jam wouldn't turn around. That's the difference between jam and jello. Well, did you ever take a chat quiz? We've got one coming up next with our in house comedian Jeff Oscar. It's the best of the Bob and Tom show. Hello, everyone and welcome to a new installment of the Mr. Obvious show. I am your host, Mr. Obvious. Let's go right to the phones. Mr. Obvious speaking. Hello, caller. Hello, is this Mr. Avias? Yes. Hey, Mr. Avias. First time listener, long time caller. I think you have that backwards, caller. Oh, you'd be surprised. All right, so what's your question, caller? Well, I'm having a reptile problem in my house. Well, that's never a good caller. You know, I've dealt with many an animal issue on my show in the past. Oh, don't I know it. Mr. O. I've learned some really important stuff from your. Not like some other radio shows I could mention. I heard this one weirdo on the radio talking about peeing on his hostas just trying to keep deer away. Isn't that crazy? Oh my goodness. That does sound a little strange, if not psychotic. Well, tell me your animal troubles and I'll see if I can help. Well, Mr. Avi say, I think I got a snake trapped in my house. I want to get him out of there course. But, well, I'm scared it might be poisonous so I don't want to just grab it all willy nilly and get myself bit, you know. Well, caller, that sounds like a wise idea. Do you know what kind of snake it is? Can you identify any of the markings or colorings on this snake? Well, you know, Mr. Obvious, I haven't actually seen the snake. So what makes you think you have a snake at all, caller? Well, I. I can hear him. I can hear him in there hissing, you know, like a snake does. Well, what does the hissing sound like? Are they little short hisses? No, no, I describe it as like one long hiss. It's been going on since last night. It's like. That's annoying. Did you have any trouble getting any sleep last night? Stop making the sound now. What's that? Did you have any trouble getting any sleep last night with that constant hissing? Oh, gosh, no. No, actually, I fell right to sleep last night. Slept like a log. Matter of fact, if anything, I had a little trouble waking up this morning. I'm still feeling pretty sleepy. I got a little headache too. All right, well, until we identify the snake, I really can't tell you what to do. Is there any way you can get back there close to the snake and try to see and identify what kind of snake? I don't know how I could get a good look at him. Maybe try to find a magnifying glass. I was thinking more like a flashlight. Oh, flashlight would be good. I don't have one of those. I thought I had one once, but it was something of my wife. But do you know what I could do? I could light a candle. Oh, boy, I would get a candle. I think I got lighter candle back over here somewhere. I can hear him back there right now hissing away. Back there, back. Back where he's always snuggled up back there behind the stove. I guess that's where he snuggles up for warmth or something. Probably that's where he's been the whole time. Right back there behind the stove, hissing away. Yeah. Oh, here's my lighter, Mr. Obvious. Hold on a second, caller. Here we go. Caller, don't. Hello, caller?

[Bob Kevoian]

Hello?

[Tom Griswold]

Hello, caller, you all right? Oh, boy. Oh boy. Well, it sounds as though that snake problem is all cleared up. Yeah, another satisfied listener taken care of here. And well, that's all the time we have today. So join us next time for the Mr. Obvious Show. Welcome back to the Bob and Tom show, the best of the Bob and Tom show. This is Christopher here in the Bob and Tom studios. Jeff Oskay, our in house comedian went into the studio to give a little chat quiz. Let's check it out. There's Josh Arnold. Hello. There's Ace Khan, me. There's Jeff. Okay, joining us. Hi, check. Or are you like Ed Septic or something? No, I'm Jeff. I don't know who this Ed Fella is you speak of? I'm. No, it's haji rough and ready. Jeffrey, you have a quiz I understand. Yeah, I don't know if you guys have heard about this Chat GPT. Have you heard about it? Have you read about it? Have you? It's the newest Pontiac. Yeah, my kids are using it to write all their. All their papers for school, getting straight Cs. For those of you who don't know, ChatGPT stands for Generative Pre Trained Transformer. I'd never heard that. And that's the only one you hear about. But there's also quite a few lesser known AI Chatbots. So I put together a little quiz. The winner gets absolutely nothing. Tom, I'm going to let you keep score, and I'll give you an example. One of the. So, if you need to learn more about plumbing, you would use chat. Pvc. Okay, I see. If you want to learn more about being a paramedic, you would use chat. Emt. All right, so we all understand. Go around the room. If you don't get it, then I be open for the room. But I'm going to go one by one. Okay, Pat, if you need help blowing up a building, you would use chat. That C4.CP4. There you guys go. Dumbass. Josh. Chat C4, you idiot. I was thinking of the C4. C4. You. He had it right. It's got to be idiot. Josh, if you want to learn more about Lexington Steel, you would use chat. I mean, that's a famous porn star. A male porn star with a very prodigious yes. Chat. BBC. That's right. Chick. Very good. Chick gets that one. I'm exempt. And he does have a big black. Yeah. Here's one for Christie. If you want help learning more about New York City's punk rock clubs from the early 80s, you would use chat.

[Bob Kevoian]

CBG.

[Tom Griswold]

CBGB.

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, okay.

[Tom Griswold]

Very close. I didn't know. Max is Kansas City cbgb.

[Bob Kevoian]

I didn't know we.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, yeah. CBGB would be correct. Rough trade's pretty good, too. If you wanted help learning more on how not to be fat, you would use chat. Chat. Oh, I'm stumped. Chat not to be fat, Thin, skinny, teeny, tiny. What is it, Jeff? Chat. Obcd. Obesity. Okay, no one got that.

[Bob Kevoian]

Here's the problem. I have.

[Tom Griswold]

I thought they were all three letters.

[Bob Kevoian]

That's why I said cbg, because I thought it was three letters. I would have said cbgb.

[Tom Griswold]

I'm not. Hey, it's the Internet. I don't. Wait. The rules. Okay, okay. What's next? You can tell he's having a great time. One for someone's dismissed. You. Good luck. If you want to find out why it hurts when you pee, check out Chat. Std. Sti. Very well.

[Bob Kevoian]

Now, wait a minute.

[Tom Griswold]

What about utr? I'm old school.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Yes. Chat. You know, the only. The only transmissionable diseases I want to have are the old classics. Gonorrhea, syphilis. None of this news. Have you ever had a urinary tract infection? It's painful.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yes, I have.

[Tom Griswold]

You wouldn't let me go to the bathroom, and I. You wouldn't let me go, and I had. I. I had a. I thought it was the dirty D disease you caught the nail from. That babe in Fort Wayne.

[Bob Kevoian]

Wasn't too much sex. Give you a uti.

[Tom Griswold]

That's the Miller. Like Grape lady is what you're trying to invoke here, ace. I got one for you. If you want to find out when the next bad moon will be rising, you would use Chat. Ccr.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

You nailed it. That's a good one. Here's. Here's a good one for Josh. If it's important for you to learn what lies between the two. Correct. You could find that info on Chat. Dmz. Dmz. Very good, Pat. Here's what you know, but close. If you want help chilling out. But marijuana is not legal in your state, try Chat. Cbd. Everybody's. Everybody has at least one now. Yes. I'm so sad I didn't get BBC. Okay, here's one for you. If you need help paying for groceries when you're down on your luck, use Chat. Ebt. Yes. You nailed it.

[Bob Kevoian]

I wouldn't have got.

[Tom Griswold]

I would. What does that mean? That's the. That's electronic. Okay, here's one for you, Christy. If you need help because your phone stopped working last week, you don't want to use Chat.

[Bob Kevoian]

Att.

[Tom Griswold]

Aren't we. Who have at. We're get $5. Five whole dollars? My phone for two hours. Where are you, baby? $5. Hang on a second. Next. All right, this one's for you, chick. If you need help getting out of a conversation, you don't want to be in. Use. Chat.

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, that's a tough one.

[Tom Griswold]

I don't know. Chat Out. Chat. Brb. Oh, brb. Be right back. That's. That's tech speak. Oh, yeah. I wouldn't have gone that one.

[Bob Kevoian]

I wouldn't have.

[Tom Griswold]

Here's a food one. Isn't that big rubber. Rubber ball.

[Bob Kevoian]

Baby buggy bumpers.

[Tom Griswold]

Brb. They. Rubber balls. Of course. Brb. Bc. Ace. Big Rubber Ace. If you want help making delicious sandwiches, use chat. Oh, blt.

[Bob Kevoian]

Good job, Ace.

[Tom Griswold]

You guys are good at these. Did it. Anyone else see Ace's eyes light up when he got there? Why. Why wouldn't they? He was very excited for him. That was a hard one, because the question was poorly worded.

[Bob Kevoian]

No.

[Tom Griswold]

It'S mine. Of course. Listen to chat. S.O.B. over there. Oh, don't worry. Oh, boy. Okay, Tom, Mr. Genius, if you want to know more about a. The financial prosperity of a country, use Chat. Chat. Gdp. That's right. He's on it. Here, let's. I got one for Christy. Okay. I know that you're. You're. But not boyfriend. Your husband. Yes, that word.

[Bob Kevoian]

I know some people.

[Tom Griswold]

It's hard to.

[Bob Kevoian]

It's hard to say.

[Tom Griswold]

Is a really cool car guy loves old cars. If you're a fan of vintage Pontiacs, you want to get Chat.

[Bob Kevoian]

Gto.

[Tom Griswold]

Yes. Oh, you nailed it. That was. Was easy. Here's one. Josh, I think you might know this. It's very specific. If you want to be sweaty and naked in Debo's chicken coop, you would smoke Chat.

[Bob Kevoian]

What?

[Tom Griswold]

What? Thc. PCP from the movie Fridays. I thought maybe. That's a good one. Maybe. Wow. I didn't know who Debo is. Oh, here's one for Christy.

[Bob Kevoian]

Okay.

[Tom Griswold]

If some random dude texts you out of the blue asking for a nude, it gives you the chat.

[Bob Kevoian]

Dp. I don't know.

[Tom Griswold]

Heebie jeebies. That's not fair, because you are not very good at this. No, you're.

[Bob Kevoian]

You're screwing this up.

[Tom Griswold]

Christy, if you wanted to learn about the sloughing of your uterine wall and the hormones and emotions that go along with that, you would use chat.

[Bob Kevoian]

Pms.

[Tom Griswold]

Yes.

[Bob Kevoian]

Correct. Very good.

[Tom Griswold]

Sounds done. Nuts. Here's one for you, Pat, because if you need help clipping coupons and finding the best deal on frozen pizzas, use chat. A, C, E. That's right. Very good. Was a good one. And two more real quick, chick. If you needed help trying to get laid, you would use chat. Chloroform. Is it chat. Chloroform. Chloroform. I give up. It is. It's. Check. No, it's. It's Tom's favorite word. Chat. Dtf.

[Bob Kevoian]

Okay, that's kind of where I thought you were going with that picture thing.

[Tom Griswold]

And finally, if you want help insulting your closest co workers to the. To the point they cry and their cars on the way home, use chat. That's right, baby. Stop crying, would you? It's a joke. You're welcome. We have more to come on this Tuesday morning. Frank Caliendo does Piano man and Jordan Rock. All coming up next hour. But next, a segment with Dan Cummins. Come on back. This is the Bob and Tom Show. This is the best of the Bob and Tom show on a Tuesday morning. Welcome back. This is Christopher and the Bob and Tom Studios. Comedian Dan Cummins is in this segment. Let's check it out. Christy Lee is right next to me.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yep.

[Tom Griswold]

And she brought in a story today about a topic I never thought I'd be hearing. It's penis whitening out of Thailand. Yeah, Thailand. Apparently, it's a very big deal. And, Josh, you have spent some time in Asia and you were saying that I guess having whiter skin in certain parts of Asia is actually a. Yeah, Christie brought up that point and it's absolutely true. The darker skin you have, the more people associate you with the lower class because you're out working in the elements. So. But is this in the genital area? Is the whiteness of the. You wouldn't think that would matter. But yeah, the obvious joke is you think it would be blackening for. Although it might be slimming. Are there kits you can get like you can for your teeth?

[Bob Kevoian]

No, I don't think you want to try this at home.

[Tom Griswold]

You can't take those Crest whitening strips.

[Bob Kevoian]

And no, it's not the same thing.

[Tom Griswold]

Like a little bucket. You could just dip in.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Squat over and dip down. Lacquer says it costs here. Oh, they use. It's a laser to lighten your genitals. Costs 650American dollars and requires five sessions. Right. Hey, sorry, honey, you can't make it. No, I don't have racquetball tonight. I'm getting my penis lightened figure now. I'd get into the country club. He is proud of that one.

[Bob Kevoian]

He is proud of that.

[Tom Griswold]

As I said before, you will not see penis lightning on Keeping up with the Kardashians. What a weird thing to do to yourself. God, I don't get it. It's so bizarre. I just wish I had that much free time to be that bored or whatever when that's what you have time to do in your life is to whiten your penis or to worry about it. Or to worry about it. Right. Like you have such little concerns. How would you feel if right now your phone went off and it was a text from your wife going, I think you should try this? I've been Wanting this for years. Your swarthy penis has disgusted me for years. You're 10. And again, as Josh brought up, how many people are getting. Or maybe it was chick. I'm sorry. Getting a really good visual on that. Like, they're kind of out of sight. Really. Who's going down there with a klieg light going, well, look at this. Let me get a good look at this. Bring it over here. Next to the window.

[Bob Kevoian]

In the story that I read now I'm just gonna. They said it's a majority of gay and transgender men.

[Tom Griswold]

Aha. Okay. Okay. So there might be a little bit more focus.

[Bob Kevoian]

A little more, I guess.

[Tom Griswold]

I don't know, because isn't the whitening of the other end of the spectrum, if you will, on the human. Isn't that a big gay bleaching?

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Anal bleaching. Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah. New from Clorox.

[Bob Kevoian]

Don't do that. Don't. What are you doing?

[Tom Griswold]

Any kind. You mean or the home.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah, anything. Yeah, you don't.

[Tom Griswold]

A buddy of mine was dating a girl who got that done, and he said it wasn't so much bleached as it was silver. Ooh, silver. Bu. Silver. But, yeah.

[Bob Kevoian]

Wow.

[Tom Griswold]

I think you just get an industrial size of, like, the white out, like the. You know, the paper correction stuff. You know, you just lacquer it all up.

[Bob Kevoian]

I think it's time we just go. You're okay.

[Tom Griswold]

No kidding.

[Bob Kevoian]

You don't need to do anything. You're just. Okay.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, sure.

[Bob Kevoian]

Come on.

[Tom Griswold]

We've got fat shaming.

[Bob Kevoian]

Jesus.

[Tom Griswold]

Sure. Now we've got dirt button Shay shaming. Yeah, yeah. Fat shaming. That's something that we shouldn't be a part of. Right? Here's one of the fattest things I've ever done. I just ate two sausage burritos in a matter of a minute and a half.

[Bob Kevoian]

Well, that's Tom's resolution. Remember, he's not gonna.

[Tom Griswold]

Which I disagree with. Okay. As the person who's being so called shamed, I am against his resolution. Okay, well, we'll see. You know, some people are taking it further, too. And, like, you could do just the boys and just the tip and leave the rest, like just kind of mix and match. Oh, yeah. Have some parts white with some part tan. It's like those two tone shoes that. Right? You mean, like, tape it off? We have a barber. Pull a stripe. Yeah. Barber pole. There we go. Yeah. Keep the shaft brown and the head white so it looks like an ice cream cone. Carpe diem. Wow. Carpe dickham. See? Never. That'll probably be what's happened 100 years from now when people are super bored and everything's done by robots. Yeah. You come home, look what I did. I got the barber pole. Yeah, they call it the chick McGee. I don't know why they say it's some old DJ, right. A century ago thought of it. They call it the Chick Magee. Look, honey, it's the parfait. I don't know. Christy, you're okay just the way you are, right?

[Bob Kevoian]

I hope so. I mean, I'm gonna need to get.

[Tom Griswold]

Anything bleached or what, whitened or.

[Bob Kevoian]

Well, I did admit that I got. I did have the laser on my hands, and I didn't.

[Tom Griswold]

That's fine because I had those age.

[Bob Kevoian]

Spots and I am kind of conscious of.

[Tom Griswold]

Remember how bored that was? Remember we talked about all the time, you can laser those away. Huh? I didn't know that. Yeah.

[Bob Kevoian]

And it was painless. And they went away. I mean, wow. Yeah, I didn't have any problem with that.

[Tom Griswold]

Josh, you don't have any. Every time she changes the channel on her tv, though, she pees a little. But other than that. Other than that, okay. Yeah, No, I don't have any unsightly. And do we know with Sammy Sosa, is that. Is he doing the laser thing or is this some other. He's doing something. I thought it was on purpose. Chick thought it was. You might have some skin problem.

[Bob Kevoian]

Some kind of cream you can use maybe, or. I don't know. I don't know.

[Tom Griswold]

Whatever it is, he. He didn't need to do that. Like you leave the depilatory on too long. Do you start lightening up a little bit?

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah, we just need to have a.

[Tom Griswold]

Like a weirdo. Okay, I'm sorry. Let's move on.

[Bob Kevoian]

Class in accepting yourself the way you are, it's. God made you. It's okay. You're all right.

[Tom Griswold]

I'd like to make my backside look like a geisha. Which brings me to this kind of.

[Bob Kevoian]

Washington State residents who want to change the sex designation on their birth certificates will soon have a third X option. The state Department of Health says starting January 27, people can choose the non binary designation X rather than male or female.

[Tom Griswold]

Ah, I get it. That's okay.

[Bob Kevoian]

Currently, people can petition to change the sex designation on their birth certificates from male to female or female to male. But there has never been another option. Now they have the option of being.

[Tom Griswold]

X. I like it. I can't wait for the cyborg option. That's where we're next. Yeah, yeah. I'd like to have them put an option for morons who don't know how to drive. I don't care why you designate the idiot box if you're an idiot. Right. Well, your neighbors have determined you're a terrible driver. So we're gonna give you a special moron designation. Hello, Bob and Tom show. Let's do it. Bob and Tommy, it's Dr. Phil. Hi, Dr. Phil. You guys were talking today about a new trend called penis whitening. Is that true? Yes, sir. You just don't feel like it's enough. Have you read my books? No.

[Bob Kevoian]

No.

[Tom Griswold]

Have you seen my type? I would never watch. I mean, hey, just because you could teach a billy goat how to use a spoon doesn't mean he's gonna like pan. That makes no sense at all. No, I wrote a book about couples who are into this too. You know, a lot of couples go off and they can save. Have you read the book? No. Have you seen the tape? Two dongs don't make a white. Hey, don't do it. Don't get going. Take on the day. Take on the day. Thank you, Dr. Phil. That was extremely helpful. Christy Lee. Once again at the news desk, a.

[Bob Kevoian]

Philadelphia father put the city's signature sandwich to use in a hold of new way. He's measuring his baby's size in cheesesteaks.

[Tom Griswold]

Man, you know what if they replace the meat on a Philly cheesesteak with baby. I need to help. Oh, it's not absolutely, finally, finally socially acceptable to eat a baby provolone. Come on. Oh, man. Why is this sliced up baby? Why is this in the news?

[Bob Kevoian]

Computer programmer Brad Williams used a foolproof system he calls cheesesteaks for scale.

[Tom Griswold]

Brad Williams is a baby size?

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah. Well, this is a different Brad Williams. To measure the growth of his son during the child's first year.

[Tom Griswold]

I'm on fire all of a sudden. It started seven people that got that Brad is a man of small status.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yes. He's a comedian who's very funny.

[Tom Griswold]

Ripped the eyes out. Because when he's in here. Tom never mentioned. All I'm saying is he's very small. He dug Christie very much. He wanted to go up on her. That's not hurtful at all. What I was saying it was baby size would have been a compliment. No, you got. So this guy's measuring his baby and Philly G. So how many started when.

[Bob Kevoian]

He noticed that his two week old son, Lucas Royce was about the size of a cheesesteak he brought home so he took a picture of the sandwich next to his newborn and the tradition was born. Every month for the next year, he and his wife would buy a cheesesteak to track their growing boy. He says babies and cheesesteaks are quite similar. They're warm and cold.

[Tom Griswold]

Weighs more big cheesesteaks, not more than a pound. Yeah, see that's.

[Bob Kevoian]

Once you unwrap them, they're a giant mess.

[Tom Griswold]

How much do mom and dad weigh?

[Bob Kevoian]

I don't know.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, I'd rather reverse this. Let's not, let's not measure babies by cheesesteaks. Let's measure cheesesteaks by. I want a baby sized cheese. That's right. I want a three month old six ounce cheesecake. Exactly. If they're bringing this kid home, he's got to be at least. What do you think? Four, five, six pounds? Right. I want an episiotomy. Cheesesteak. They needed to do some sniffing. We're coming right back with comedian and Jordan Rock next on the show. This is the best of the Bob and Tom Show. A little, little love song. All right. Woke up this morning and you gone. Found a note. It says so you said this love would last our lives. I hope your face breaks out in hives. I hope you die a painful death. I hope you choke on your next breath. You screwed me up, you done me wrong. I hope you die before too long. Hope you have a heart attack. I hope your breasts get really slack. You were my girl, but now you're not. I hope you die. I hope you're right. I don't wanna be your friend. I only want your life to end. You're back in time, someone else's gal. I hope you drown in the love canal. Hope you die a painful death. Hope you choke on your next breath. Screwed me up, you done me wrong. I hope you die before too long. I hope you die before I end this song. Hope you die. I really, really hope you die. Die, die, die, die and die. Thank you very much. Thank you. You're listening to the best of the Bob and Tom Show. Welcome on a Tuesday morning. This is Christopher in the Bob and Tom studios again. The gang is back in here live. Next Monday morning, January 5th. Here's a segment with comedian Jordan Rock. Thanks very much for joining us. The lovely lady is Christy Lee.

[Bob Kevoian]

Thank you, Tom.

[Tom Griswold]

The legendary Ace Cosby handling the engineering duties today. Good morning, Ace. That would be Chick McGee across the way at the sports desk. Hi. I've got a question for Josh. In a matter of seconds, just joining us in the studio, he is comedian Jordan Rock. Good to see you, Jordan. Hey, good to see you guys. I've got a couple. Couple questions for you in just a second, but first.

[Bob Kevoian]

Well, that sounded.

[Tom Griswold]

Why wouldn't you. We want to get to know him. I know. See, I feel rude not going right to our guest. He's taken the time and trouble to get up to join us. However. However. Josh said something in conversation. What did I say innocuously now? No, you came back in here. And it would give one pause. And Christy said, did you get to eat any of.

[Bob Kevoian]

We had a biscuit for breakfast. And I said, did you eat a biscuit? And you said.

[Tom Griswold]

I said, yeah, I just shame. Ate one in my office. So you. So you left this room, got one of these breakfast biscuits, went to your office to eat it so no one would know. Not so that no one would know. So that no one would watch me eat it. Because here's the thing. I heard. I came ate one in my. I thought it was so good. Are you still eating one?

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah, they're great. Chick does it on the air, so.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, okay, well, I'm the opposite. I want to be. Hey, Jordan. Jordan, would you like something to eat? I'm all good. I'm really just admiring how good you guys are at not giving any product placement. That was really good. You guys are just like, yeah, breakfast biscuit was so crazy. This breakfast biscuit. I'm like, these guys are pros, man. They really know what they're doing around here. Well, I didn't see it. I wasn't out there. Are they good? They're great.

[Bob Kevoian]

They're unbelievably good.

[Tom Griswold]

They're good. They're really good. I've been actually wanting to wake up early enough to eat one of those for eight years, and today I finally got to do it. Yes, good. I was watching a tape of you earlier this week or whatever video, and your voice is so great. I just love your speaking voice. But where did you grow up? What is that? Is that a New York accent? I have everything in my voice. I grew up in South Carolina. I was born in New York. I've been in New York the last 10 years. I'm usually pretty good at pinning it down. I couldn't pin down where you were from. Yeah, it's got a little twang to it. I say certain words, real New York, and then I say certain words, real country. Now we're having a discussion. Now. That's weird. This is certainly unpleasant and awkward, so I'm going to bring it up. Oh, Good. Owen Benjamin, six foot. What a jerk, right? Six foot, four, white guy. Oh, yeah. He calls everybody bro. But he doesn't. Like he said, he doesn't emphasize it. It's. It's pretty natural coming from him. See, I can't. I would never be able to pull that off. I couldn't either be like, governor or something like that. Hello, Governor. It just seems to me, I think it's cultural appro. What is it? Cultural appropriation. I think it's ridiculous. I don't know. You don't like it? I just. I can't pull it off. For example, are you just jealous? Is that all it is?

[Bob Kevoian]

No. Yes.

[Tom Griswold]

Really defensive. Right. Tom saying it started. He thinks it started in the black community. It did. Appropriate. I could remember being at the airport. I remember being at Cleveland Hopkins airport. And there all. All these guys were all dressed in these, in these, in the same sort of suits. And they all had one of those sewed on badges called, like, patches.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

And I remember it like it was yesterday. And it was like, bro Davis, Bro Johnson. And that was, you know, in the 60s. So when I was a kid, I thought, oh, so they got the bro thing down and now it's a bunch of white frat boys. Hey, bro. It's cultural appropriation. Are you just mad because you were too scared to do it back in the 70s?

[Bob Kevoian]

Yes, that's exactly what it is.

[Tom Griswold]

Like you saw it in the 70s. You're like, I could never do this. And now you see everybody doing it. Jordan. I shake hands like this. I can't do anything. That's not. I. I don't know, the high five thing. I feel like I'm, you know, faking it if I try to do that. How do you shake hands? Let me tell you, if you're doing high five, look at the elbow. Uh huh. If you look at the elbow, perfect. High five every time. Nope. Is that what you're supposed to.

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, you never miss.

[Tom Griswold]

You never miss. Jordan and I fist bumped. We did not shake hands. Yeah, because you were eating that breakfast sandwich. That's right. That's exactly right. In this biscuit. Because Jordan and I shook hands.

[Bob Kevoian]

He shook hands with me as well.

[Tom Griswold]

Well, that's because you emerged from your eating lair. Your came eating. Or is it your come eating? I'm not sure. Shame eating. Shame eating. You. Are you still eating breakfast biscuit?

[Bob Kevoian]

Do you shame meat at home by yourself? Do you go.

[Tom Griswold]

No, no, you have to go in.

[Bob Kevoian]

Another room so that the TV doesn't.

[Tom Griswold]

See me or I don't accidentally catch my reflection. I got a question for. I heard came. I swear to God. I know. I'm. Sometimes we hear what we want to hear. I'm especially. I'm especially paranoid about everything in the world when you're. Like, right now, I've got this. I've got a couple computers on. Can. Can this computer see me? And theoretically, can someone hack in and watch me?

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

You guys are those people. You believe that? I don't know. I've just heard that. That it's possible. Yeah, I don't care. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm one of those people. I don't really care.

[Bob Kevoian]

I don't care. They're not gonna see anything.

[Tom Griswold]

And if they do, what do I care? I took. I picked up. I picked up Josh's phone, and I just picked it up, and it just said, enough. He thinks all I do is masturbate. Yeah. I was gonna say if they. If they hacked my webcam, that's all they would see. It's just that I'd be, like, thinking, do you feel. Do you feel. Do you feel awkward using that phone and then calling your mom on it? I. I don't really use the phone. He doesn't think. He doesn't think about it. It's all one. It's all one to him because it'll be. He'll be doing one. One thing, and then his mom will call, and it just pops up on the screen. Oh, does her picture pop up when she calls it? No. Oh, that's awkward. That is realized. I like the way you open up about yourself. Look, I've been too. If anything, Jordan, I've been too honest on this show. I'm not lying about. I. I rarely look at anything. Any porn on my phone? Yeah, like, the screen's too small for you. You're like, I just need the whole thing. I need the full desk desktop. I have to set up the projector. They can't fit both boobs in. Apple hasn't done that yet.

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, he's got the Apple tv. So you could go through your tv.

[Tom Griswold]

I don't have an Apple tv. Oh, you do. It's fascinating.

[Bob Kevoian]

No, I don't. Well, I do, but it's not.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, chick. When are you gonna help me? That's the first product I heard you guys.

[Bob Kevoian]

You told me that you would help me, so I went out and bought them, and now they're sitting in a box.

[Tom Griswold]

It's incredibly simple to do.

[Bob Kevoian]

Not for me.

[Tom Griswold]

So you'd think you'd just take the time to do it real quick, right?

[Bob Kevoian]

You'd be a friend, a true bro.

[Tom Griswold]

No, cuz if. Cuz I understand. If you lived nearby, I'll buy you dinner or lunch. Jordan, are you pretty electronically savvy? I can hook up an Apple tv. Yeah, I can do that. Now, by hookup, you mean. I mean not. Not. You don't have sex with it. No, no. I mean like hook me up with a low price on.

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Griswold]

Oh, no, no, no. He's not selling them out of his. I mean, I might know a guy, but because Jordan's a black guy, he's gonna steal an apple. No, no, it's because. No, that's exactly what you. No, because he used the street phrase hook up. No, that's not a street. That wasn't a street phrase at all. I really meant, like, hook it up to the tv. How do you. I know how to install the Apple tv. That's the. That's how you have to talk. Anytime he says, says hook up because he's black, you think, oh, that's a. That's a hip phrase. Now, when you say hook up, doesn't that mean to have a coitus with a lady friend? Contacts. Contacts, man. Like. Like, if I saw you tomorrow, you'd say, hey, Tom, it was nice meeting you. And by the way, I hooked up with a. Yes, that's fine. Yeah. What. How do you describe an attractive woman? Hot, baby. What's the current parlance? What's the proper adjective I use these days? Shorty. No, you know what? I'm more cutie. Cutie. Okay. Yeah, check. She's a cutie. A cutie. Yeah. Okay. That's nice.

[Bob Kevoian]

Sweet.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, it is. Is that. Is that just you or is that. That might just be me. That might just be me. What do you mean? You think he gets a newsletter? I can't keep up. Here's the terms we're using. We have a meeting every Tuesday. It's called the Black Gentleman, and it tells you what dime piece is out. By the way, bitches. Bitches and hoes. Very 90s. You know, you say that every time. The B word. You say that every time. Bitches and hoes. That's because I got my Hip Hop Time Life series, Volume one. Bitches and hoes. Exactly. It starts right at the Chronic one. And it doesn't go any further. He's still stuck in. And the Defunk era. I got to volume two. East Coast, west coast, everyone. I'm very, very sorry.

[Bob Kevoian]

Me, too.

[Tom Griswold]

Jordan Rock is our guest. Distinguished comedian, possessor of a great voice and a great wit and charm and. Are you a single guy? Married guy, Kids? What's happening with your life? I'm single, man. I'm single. I'm out here right now. Got any kids? No, no, not that I know of. You want one? I got seven. No, I'm all good. Okay. Just ask. Wrapping it up. There's two things I don't need. That's a STD or a kid. Can't get rid of of those. You know, every time you have. You say have seven kids, it's like you're a cult leader. I have seven kids. Well, sometimes I forget I'm the same by myself. That's an amazing. I'm by myself this week. I'm the youngest of seven. Oh, are you? Yeah. Yeah, I'm the youngest of seven. So I was tortured all by the way. I'm the youngest of four. What's the span between the oldest and the youngest? My oldest brother is 25 years older than me. Whoa. Okay, so you barely know him. I know him. He's pretty cool. He's pretty cool. I see him sometimes. My mom had him at 20. She had me at 45. Oh, wow. Yeah, she thought she was done, and then I popped out, so. You are surprised. Baby, you are like a. Your seed was awesome. And that egg was just waiting for you. Yeah. Yeah. Nicely done. Now, did they. Did your mom ever tell you what your name was gonna be if you were a girl? No, she didn't, actually. Do all. Do all the children's names start with J? No, no, my mom. My mom, she thought. She thought I was like. She thought she. After she had menopause, so she thought that I was cancer.

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, she thought she was sick?

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, she thought she was sick, and there's a tumor swelling in her body. Yeah, exactly.

[Bob Kevoian]

That is amazing.

[Tom Griswold]

It's amazing. Not. Not very funny. It's scary, really, but that's weird. I didn't know you could get pregnant post menopause. It's a miracle, man. Christy.

[Bob Kevoian]

Oh, God. I hope not.

[Tom Griswold]

God, would that be good for the show? You just need to find a guy that can go de. Wow. We already went through two. Okay. Okay.

[Bob Kevoian]

I. Yeah, I took care of it.

[Tom Griswold]

Okay. All right. Just asking. That'd be even more. That'd be more. Who's this basketball guy that just had his third.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah, I have my tubes tied.

[Tom Griswold]

Who's the guy that just had his third kid post vasectomy? We were just talking about him. Cornerback Cromartie. One of them. Yeah. Antonio Cromartie.

[Bob Kevoian]

That doesn't always take that.

[Tom Griswold]

Jordan, have you had your.

[Bob Kevoian]

Well, he might want to have kids.

[Tom Griswold]

Fast Defron soldered closed. No, I just pull out. Oh, I'm still. I'm still there. I'm still using that. I'm still using that method. Well, from what I understand, it's 99.9 effective. It really is. Guess what, fellas?

[Bob Kevoian]

Guess what. Yeah. You want a kid?

[Tom Griswold]

Okay. Okay. Good to know. Jordan Rock's hanging out with us. What's, what's, what's happening in your life and I guess you got a new car. You got a boat? Anything fun?

[Bob Kevoian]

A new car.

[Tom Griswold]

I got a new car. I did get a new car. Now where do you live now? Do you live in la? New York? What's. I'm living in LA now.

[Bob Kevoian]

You have to have a car.

[Tom Griswold]

You gotta have a good car. Yeah, I'm being. I got a Jeep. All right.

[Bob Kevoian]

Nice car.

[Tom Griswold]

So does Christy. Oh yeah. Is it a Jeep? Jeep like a Wrangler? Yeah, I got a Wrangler soft top.

[Bob Kevoian]

That's a beach car.

[Tom Griswold]

Drop top, cruising around, playing the Beach Boys. Everybody wins.

[Bob Kevoian]

Surf with your surfboard on top.

[Tom Griswold]

I always love the Beach Boys. Music always intrigues me. Cuz every time I listen to the Beach Boys I'm like, you would have never guessed the Civil Rights movement was going on the same time.

[Bob Kevoian]

You're right.

[Tom Griswold]

It's pretty carefree. Like I would have never thought this was going on at the same time Selma was. If you put the Selma march and put the Beach Boys music underneath, it would be. Well, cuz then in my room, right, this was going on to say time my whites only. That may be the most profound thing ever said on this show. Thanks for coming, Jordan. That's. That's, that's amazing. That's so true. Yeah. This is probably too serious to bring up, but I'm watching. I'm watching that PBS Vietnam series right now. Yeah, I haven't. It's. I mean it's. Well, there's a point I'm going to make here, which is a little bit lighter than some, but there's. They obviously use a lot of period music in there and wow, yikes. Is some pretty scary stuff going on. But the music brings you back to certain times all the time and you are dead on about that. The Beach Boys, you don't really see. Doesn't really fit. Those are really happy songs. Yes. Yeah. Everyone was surfing. Their biggest concern is like whether or not their dad will let them use the car. Yeah. Little do Scoop I'm picking up good vibrations. My draft card isn't existing. It's intriguing to me. I'm like, this is so good. So what. What. Who do you listen to if you're in the. If you were in the car right now by yourself? By the way, do they still call it a hooptie or is that gone? No, hooptie is a bad car. Right. Like a crummy car. Like bad or. Because bad means good half the time, I can never figure. Crummy car. Okay, thank you. Crummy car. Just trying to clarify. So what would you be listening to typically? What would I listen to? I like to listen. I like to listen to a mix. I can listen to, like, a balance of, like, actual good music and beautiful ignorance. Yes. So, you know, I go from, you know, old school rock, like maybe like Nirvana or like Gorillaz. That's not old school. That's, like, pretty current. And then I'll just go straight to Migos 21 Savage. And then I'll go like Mac DeMarco. And then I come right back to something ten times more ignorant. Wow. Now, if you have a lake, you might as well be speaking Portuguese. Correct.

[Bob Kevoian]

Unless it came out in 65 to 75, he has no idea what's true.

[Tom Griswold]

You don't know any 21 savage. You don't know any 21 savage. Gorillas. I listen to gorillas. Here's what I like to listen to. Jordan, I don't know if you're ever familiar with this, but please, won't you come home? Dill, this is Mitch Miller. This is the way God intended music. Mitch Miller and the Fighting Caucasians. We'll go beat up, Suck. You know. You know, I think Kanye sampled that. That is just work. It was Mitch Miller. When I was growing up, that was. That's, like the worst music ever made, pretty much. Now, if you have a lady in your Jeep, is there a special thing you go to? Is there like a go to tune? And as you're driving home and it's dark, what is. What is my go to tune? Something kind of, I don't know, kind of sexy, kind of, I believe, just. What is your go to tune, man? Can you give me a reference track so I can think of it once again? I have some very young children. So let's see, what was I reading last night? Something like Corduroy the Bear. Yeah, I forget which one it was.

[Bob Kevoian]

I mean, what song did you play?

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. When you were wooing a woman. Yeah.

[Bob Kevoian]

When you. Yeah. When you're wooing your girl. Do You. Do you ever.

[Tom Griswold]

I don't even have a. You know, I, I have this. I used to have the same car you have.

[Bob Kevoian]

You have a Grand Cherokee?

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah, and mine was stolen as you know. But I. I'd owned the thing for a year and then one day I hit the wrong button and all of a sudden a thing popped out for a CD and I went. This has a CD player. You are a. No idea. Skirting a question. My point is I really don't. I really don't have a go to. Let me ask you this. Have you ever sung to a woman face to face? Serenaded her a little bit? Absolutely not. Look how uncomfortable he got. Well, just saying. I think. I think that is kind of an uncomfortable. Have you ever done a chick? I'm going to say yes. Oh dear. What was. What were you singing? I don't remember. Jordan, you ever sing to a lady? Can you sing? You have a good voice. I have a horrible singing voice. Let's answer Josh, have you ever.

[Bob Kevoian]

Josh has probably done.

[Tom Griswold]

I've tried cuz Josh is a good singer. Josh, you were in the.

[Bob Kevoian]

You've never done it?

[Tom Griswold]

No, no. You were in the all. You were one of the. The all male singing high boys at. What was the name of. I was in the show choir. Okay. Sorry, did you. Did you call his male singing group the high boys? Is that what you said? I just made. Made that up. Sorry. We're gonna come right back. We're hanging. We are coming back. Yes, we are coming back. And Frank Caliendo will voice over Piano man from Billy Joel. It's a classic. Come on back for it on the Bob and Tom Show. Welcome back to the Bob and Tom Show. The best of the Bob and Tom Show. This is Christopher in the Bob and Tom studios. This is definitely one the of. Of the best. It's Frank Caliendo as he voices over Piano man of course, in different voices. Here we go. Joining us in the studio, it's a comedian, Frank Kelly. No, I left a while ago. He's just back after missing the. How's your waterpring? Really good. Room temperature and flat. That's what he wanted. Got some nice flat water. Now we were talking off the air with. With a Patty G and Mr. Frank Caliendo. Oh, somebody's got a tune. And I asked Frank if he could sing and the answer is not really probably correct but I thought, oh, if we provided you with some great song lyrics, the song Piano man, you could perhaps go through this with your various famous people doing it. And I Have a random list here. So I hope this isn't unfair, but let's just. Let's just try this right now with the lyrics to Piano Man. Ladies and gentlemen, it's comedian Frank Caliendo. Oh, I'm sorry, it's John C. Reilly. Oh, I think I could probably sing this one. It's nine o' clock on a Saturday. The regular crowd shuffles in. There's an old man. It's better than thought it was gonna be, isn't it? Sitting next to me. Nice job. How about Morgan Freeman? To his tonic and gin he says, son, can you play me a memory? I'm not really sure how it goes but it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete When I wore a younger man's clothes. How about Tracy Morgan? La da da da da da. That would have been better as me. Okay, Paul Giamatti. Sing us a song. You're the piano man. Sing us a song tonight. Well, we're all in the mood for a melody and you've got us feeling all right. Adam Sandler. Ah, here we go. John at the bar, he's a friend of mine. He gets me my drinks for free. And he's quick with that joke or the light up a smoke. But he's someplace that he'd rather be. Jeff Goldblum. He says, bill, I believe this is what? It's killing me. There's a smile ran away from his face. Well, I'm sure that I could be what, a movie star? If I could get out of this place. Yeah, but John Madden. Oh, speaking of Sports, Mel Kuiper Jr. Oh, now, Paul, talk about real estate. Novelist who never had time for a wife, spent too much time doing a thing. And he's talking with Davey, who's still in the Navy. You know, the fact of the matter is it's probably going to be for life. And the waitress, you know, tremendous job. Talking politics. The businessmen, they're slowly getting stoned. Tremendous job. Probably going to keep them lower in the draft. Yes, and sharing a drink they call loneliness. But it's better than what? Drinking alone. Seth Rogen. Sing us a song. You're the piano man, I guess. Song. Tonight we're all in the mood for a melody. And you've got us feeling all right. I got something that makes me feel all right too. How about Al Pacino for ending here? It's a good, pretty good crowd for a Saturday. And the manager gives me a smile. Cause he knows that then it's me. They've been coming to See to forget about life for a while. And the piano, it sounds like a carnival. I thought it was going to cut me off, so I got big and the microphone smells like beer. De niro time. And they sit at my bar and put bread in my jar and say, man, what are you doing here? Stephen A. Smith. Oh, la da da da da da da da da. Sing us a song. You're the piano man. Sing us a song tonight. Ah, well, we're all in the mood for a melody and you've got us feeling all right. Very nice. Frank Galliando does Billy Joel, the Piano Man. Thank you very much. Yes. That was great, Frank. Oh, I feel so. Oh, you're welcome, guys. There we go. Now we return to the news desk. Sitting in for Christie, it is Jess Hooker. What's going on over there? Experts say men go through their very own version of menopause called andropause. Oh yeah. Shouldn't it be manopause?

[Bob Kevoian]

According to study finds, andropause refers to.

[Tom Griswold]

The age related decline in male horizons.

[Bob Kevoian]

Hormones resulting in depression, waning sex drive.

[Tom Griswold]

Sexual dysfunction, loss of muscle mass and tone, and increased abdominal fat.

[Bob Kevoian]

A man's gradual loss of testosterone can begin as young as the age of 35 with a loss of one to.

[Tom Griswold]

One and a half percent of total testosterone per year. By the age of 80, most male hormone levels decreased to prepuberty levels. That's very cheerful hearing that.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna get an Android and a cell phone holster. Okay. That's how old I am. I'm gonna wear a sweater vest and. Do you think you'd ever do that? Get like a holster for your phone? No. Yeah. Or nor would I wear a sweater vest. What's wrong with a sweater vest? You know, he hates them. Just means you've. You've reached mano paws or whatever. Sweater vest and sweat. You don't like sweatpants either? Dude, no, man, you're really missing the boat. I know. I imagine Frank Hellando, you're probably a sweatpants guy, huh? Yeah. Four or five. Yeah. I wore shorts today just to mix it up, but I do a lot of. I do a lot of like Amazon super cheap apparel, so I could just throw it out because you're at your house a lot, right? Yeah, too much. Do you have like an area you can go where your wife isn't? I used to, but now there's some of her junk in there. Some the of slowly but surely. We've had a lot of rooms that I. I'm told that I've got all these places that are just mine, but I look around and it's all her stuff. So you want out? I know. I love it. I love it. I love it. Frank, didn't you have a second house? Yeah. Yeah. That's. I think that's what he's talking about. Yeah. My son's out there, though, now. No, no. Yeah. The second half. Yeah. I'm even just talking about a little office now. It's. I've moved past owning that and understanding. Yeah. Place you can go. This mano. Pause thing. This sounds kind of fake. I don't think so. I mean, I don't. I don't think so at all. Been around all of you enough. Yeah.

[Bob Kevoian]

You.

[Tom Griswold]

You. You have a certain cyclical rhythm with whatever planet you. Yeah. But I think this is. I. I think menopause can be a lot more serious. Serious with. Don't you think that? A lot more. I think it belittles menopause a little bit. Yeah. I think that the symptoms of. Of menopause are more extreme. Yeah. Yeah. And they're.

[Bob Kevoian]

Obviously. They affect us more.

[Tom Griswold]

All this is saying, whatever. The graduate. Josh, how could you say that? The gradual decline, I think, is. Is. I think. Yeah. As Joshua put it best. I think this is kind of saying, okay, we have it too. Yeah. Now let's relax, guys. But I don't think any guys are going, I'm going through mad menopause or andropause. Yeah. No, I don't think so. Yeah. I'm getting older. Yeah. At least I don't have my period anymore. That was a. Huh. Right? Josh, man. This. Yeah. No. What does menopause. Yeah. Is a real legit.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

I've never seen a woman suddenly go, I'm gonna go get New Balance sneakers. Yeah. What does my doll have in it that helps with. I know it's Naprox toxin, but that's a. And caffeine. Yeah. That's a painkiller. But what does it have to. I guess it does. I think it is a really good ad agency. I don't really think there's anything else in there.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah, I think it's just.

[Tom Griswold]

Probably helps some, but. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is one of the, like. It reminds me of those things, like, oh, I'm a chocoholic. Oh, really? You're addicted to chocohol. You. You've lost your family and your job. Yeah. I heard there's fentanyl in it now. Not. Let's keep the alcoholism analogy out of our. It is Odd, please. Yeah. Although Nikki Glaser had a great joke once. If she doesn't mind me, she goes, yeah, my mom is a shopaholic. She's addicted to shopping for alcohol. Well, why did they ever put the. The suffix on alcoholic is just ick. Right. It's not a holic. A hall is part of alcohol.

[Bob Kevoian]

Right.

[Tom Griswold]

So it would be chocolate ick. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. That's what it should be. I'm chocolate ick. It's like when they put gate on the end of stuff because of Watergate. Yeah. The hotel has nothing to do. It's not a suffix that actually means something. Right. So ick is the only alcohol. And if you're addicted to alcohol, it's ick. Alcohol ick. I'm a chocolate chocolate ick. Sugar ick. You're not a holly. But you got to hand it to them for the gate thing. Sticking around. That was pretty amazing. That's true. Was it 60 years ago and it's still being lopped on the flake gate? Tom, what are the signs of aging for you in a man, Ms. Hooker? I mean, there's certain things you see and go, okay. Yeah, I guess. I mean, I have one for me.

[Bob Kevoian]

It's just.

[Tom Griswold]

I mean, I know women complain too, but when guys complain, like, I just feel like that's. That's kind of old and crouchy. Yeah, yeah. That kind of thing. Right, right, right.

[Bob Kevoian]

Yeah.

[Tom Griswold]

Keep it to yourself. That's right. Yeah.

[Bob Kevoian]

I don't.

[Tom Griswold]

Yeah. Like the fact that I want to get a lock for my thermostat. Does that mean I'm getting old? Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah.

[Bob Kevoian]

I would say you're gonna get one.

[Tom Griswold]

Of those clear panel boxes that goes over it. Oh, yes. And put the little. I think they'd sell those in packs of twos with the giant sunglasses too. Yeah. And I. Yeah. But I would need that for my new apartment. I'd have to move out to look into it. Maybe Frank and I could be become roommates, the new odd couple. It's very tough for me when Frank is in on the air with us because I always want to do the one hack thing, which is what would it be like if fill in the blank? Did fill in the blank. Irresistible. That is such a hack equation that I love. I will. See, that's the thing. I love it too. It's now it's hip. That is like it used to be in stand up comedy. If I did something like that, people would be like, what? Do something original and different. And now the Internet is filled with. What if Seth Rogen worked at Chipotle? I don't know. Just throw some rice in there. Right. Who doesn't love that? Yes, that's the thing. I know. I just love that. White rice or brown rice? Now you gotta choose a meat. You want the smoked ham? We don't even have that, but I've got some in the back. This is the Bob and Tom show. And Doug. Here we have the Limu Emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug. Limu is that guy with the binocular. Dealers watching us. Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you [e-mail] savings. Very unwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts.