← The Bobby Bones Show
The Bobby Bones Show
TAKE THIS PERSONALLY: What We Don’t Talk About With Relationships: Fighting, Resentment, & Repair
00:42:37
Loading summary
Transcript122 lines
- [00:00]
Monica Tanner
This is an iHeart podcast.
- [00:02]
UnitedHealthcare Narrator
Guaranteed Human health insurance shouldn't get in the way of getting care. Just the opposite. It should make getting care easier. That's exactly what the employees at UnitedHealthcare work to do every day. Think about it. UnitedHealthcare employees need the healthcare system just like we do. They're real people who want real connection. When it matters most, they get it. And it's why they support people with genuine care and are helping make healthcare simpler. Learn more about how UnitedHealthcare is committed to care@uhc.com care the AI shift is
- [00:32]
AI Summit Announcer
here and your advantage starts now.
- [00:34]
Dean Graziosi
You're not going to be replaced by AI, but you might be replaced by someone who knows how to use it. Hey, it's Dean Graziosi. And right now, AI is creating one of the biggest opportunities I've ever seen. But most people, they're stuck on trying to figure out where to begin.
- [00:46]
AI Summit Announcer
That's why Dean and Tony Robbins are stepping in.
- [00:49]
Dean Graziosi
We'll show you the tools and the strategies people are already using to work faster, buy back time, grow smarter, and stay ahead.
- [00:55]
AI Summit Announcer
Reserve your free seat@aisummit RSVP.com Aisummit RSVP.com
- [01:01]
Dr. Laurie Santos
this is Dr. Laurie Santos from the Happiness Lab. This weekend I'm having friends over for a dinner party and I'll be serving my famous white bean escarole chicken sausage. And of course, I'll be using Dietz and Watson Italian chicken sausage. Their sausage is always perfect for guests because it has no nitrates added, it's gluten free and it's just delicious. Visit dietzandwatson.com therightway to learn more about the Dietz Difference. This is Dr. Laurie Santos from the Happiness Lab and this message is brought to you by Simple Mills. Simple Mills packs nutrient dense ingredients into snacks that taste amazing. Like their cheesy, light and airy pop ems or their five different delicious flavors of almond flour crackers. Lifting you up, never weighing you down so you can keep shining through the day. You could say Simple Mills is the feeling of the sun in a snack. Find Simple Mills at your grocery store.
- [02:10]
Monica Tanner
Take this personally with Morgan Huelsman.
- [02:15]
UnitedHealthcare Narrator
After having my fiance on last week to talk about our relationship as we
- [02:18]
Morgan Huelsman
navigate planning for a wedding and a
- [02:20]
UnitedHealthcare Narrator
life together, it only made sense to
- [02:22]
Morgan Huelsman
bring on a true expert in the field of relationships.
- [02:25]
UnitedHealthcare Narrator
She's worked to ensure we have less divorces and more happiness in our lives when it comes to love. So time for y' all to meet her.
- [02:31]
Morgan Huelsman
Let's do this. Monica Tanner joins me this week. She's a relationship coach and host of the Secrets of Happily Ever after podcast, which I love Happily ever after. So, Monica, thanks for joining me.
- [02:50]
Monica Tanner
Oh, thank you so much for having me, Morgan.
- [02:53]
Morgan Huelsman
I'm excited to talk about this because relationships impact us so much. They're a part of our daily lives, and everybody hopes one day to be happily ever after married. And that's the goal for a lot of people. So talk to me how you even got into this line of work, why this is so important to you to do this.
- [03:11]
Monica Tanner
Oh, that's a great question. I grew up in what I felt like was this happily ever after family. Grew up watching Disney movies, and I thought I was Belle and Ariel, and I could relate so well with these Disney princesses where they had the perfect lives. And when I was 12 years old, my parents sat me down and they said they were getting a divorce. And I remember thinking, wait, what? It uprooted my life so much that I got really interested in relationships and what makes them work and what makes them lasting. And as I started to observe the relationships of the people around me, I was really discouraged because I didn't really feel like people were having a lot of fun together. They were going through the motions of marriage, and they didn't seem very happy to me. And so I studied sociology in college, like, trying to get to the root of, how are people happy? And so after college, I met my own Prince Charming. We got married, we started a family, and I just never let go of this desire to help people be happy in their marriages as I was struggling in my own marriage.
- [04:14]
Morgan Huelsman
Right.
- [04:14]
Monica Tanner
And so when my youngest son went to kindergarten, I went back to school to get my master's. I ended up dropping out of the master's program because I wanted to have more control, control over the kind of modalities that I was learning and using with couples. And so at this point, I've been working with couples for about eight years. I've been podcasting for eight years. I have a book out now for my oldest son who is now married. And, yeah, so I just. I really care about the dynamics of our relationships and how that affects our lives.
- [04:47]
Morgan Huelsman
I'm curious, because I want to start going down this road. You mentioned it.
- [04:50]
UnitedHealthcare Narrator
Disney and gosh, movies and TV shows
- [04:53]
Morgan Huelsman
and everything in between. We have very much learned to romanticize things. And listen, I'm a big believer of romanticizing life. I think it's a beautiful concept, and I think we should utilize it. But as with everything, I believe in nuance so talk to me about how movies, TV shows, music, all of it has really impacted us having relationships with people.
- [05:18]
Monica Tanner
Yes, I am very competitive in nature and I will say that I am the biggest hopeless romantic that you will ever meet. When I was in college, I used to watch Never Been Kissed or like these romantic comedies and I would memorize the lines that were like, this is how love should feel.
- [05:36]
Morgan Huelsman
Oh yes, I know, Trust me. I remember Andy coming out with her yellow dress and how to lose a guy in 10 days. And I was like, that's how a man should look at you.
- [05:44]
Monica Tanner
Exactly, exactly. I do feel like we are highly influenced by Hollywood, by what we see on social media, by how we think everybody else experiences the perfect life. And so it does, it does get tricky. And so when we get ourselves into these relationships such as marriage, we have to face the reality of the actual marriage that we have the opportunity to create versus this idealized perfect marriage that we think that we deserve. And so that is the crossroads that a lot of my clients come in at. They're like, this is the marriage I envisioned and that is not what I'm getting. And so then we have to go back and wind it back. And what is the reality of the dynamic that you're living in? And how do you take back the power to co create something that you both want?
- [06:44]
Morgan Huelsman
Do you feel like people to see a character or see somebody, say a famous person, and they just say, that's what I want. And then they try and find a partner that kind of mimics that and then they get that person and it's not at all what it's cracked up to be. Probably because they were too invested into the looks, the aesthetic, the person on the outside instead of the person on the inside.
- [07:11]
Monica Tanner
I. Yes, absolutely. I think a lot of times people do that. They idealize things. And we experience life through our own stories, right? We tell stories and so we see another attractive person and we think, this person can give me all the things I've ever dreamed of. When in reality it is, we have to most of the time in order to be happy in our lives. We. We have to rewrite the story that we're telling ourselves about what marriage should be, what our partner should act like, how they should treat us. So we walk around, this is a lot of like therapy speak, but we walk around with manuals of how everybody in our lives should be. We think we know how our coworkers should all act and how the guy we're dating should behave. And we have these manuals for other people that are unstated. And we get really upset when they don't act the way we think that they should or they don't treat us the way that they think that they should. And something that I work really hard with my clients on is you teach people how to treat you so you don't just stumble into a relationship where because he loves me, he does all the right things. We have to co create it by getting really clear, like, how do I feel loved, what's important to me, what do I envision the perfect husband would be like? And then we get busy going to work, asking for those things, fighting for those things. Because we love the person that we married. They can't read our minds. And I think that's where a lot of us get stuck as we go, oh, well, Prince Charming, he looks like Prince Charming. He should just know.
- [08:59]
Morgan Huelsman
It's very difficult. I think reading our minds has been a concept created and it's definitely not one that truly exists in real life. And I respect a lot of what I see where people are talking about how, gosh, they don't want to have to repeat themselves for the eighth time. And that's where nuance comes in. Because there's this one side where you should make sure your boundaries are known, the things that you need are known, the things that matter to you are known. And once you've done that and communicated that clearly and there's been conversations about it, then yeah, there can be an expectation. So I see this kind of like balance there happen where there's also people who have never expressed how they feel and what they need and what they want. And they're like, well, why isn't he doing X, Y, Z? Talk to me about that nuance? Because I do think that's very important because there are two sides to this story and they're both very heavily opinionated.
- [09:54]
Monica Tanner
Yes. So blanket statement. I like to tell people you can't be upset about not getting what you've never asked for. So that covers that second half of what you were just talking about. We want them to just know. And we get really upset when they don't just know. But we never actually asked for it. So that's number one. We cannot expect people to read our minds. We want to so badly. We all want everybody to just know, but they don't. And so once we accept that and we go, okay, I can't be upset about not getting something that I didn't ask for. And then we start asking for things that's Vulnerable. So we also have to understand that when we ask for things, we're not controlling another person or taking their agency away. It's hard because what we're asking for, the person that we're asking may or may not be capable, willing, or want to give us what we're asking for. And so then we have to take into consideration what are we going to choose with. What are we going to choose in the reality that we're living in? If I ask my husband to tell me all the ways in which he loves me and he's not capable or willing to do that in this very moment, then I have to choose based on what I'm asking for and not getting. How do I want to proceed, how do I want to show up in that reality? And that's what's really the work that we have to do, is we don't get everything that we want. Love also includes a lot of loss. And how do we want to deal with that?
- [11:45]
Morgan Huelsman
Mm, very much so. That's a big piece to all of this. So I'm glad you spoke to that. And I know that this is also leaning into the conversation of resentment, and I know that one of your missions is to lower the divorce rate and improve this experience of marriage. And I think resentment is a huge piece to that puzzle, because often what we're talking about builds resentment. If it goes unchecked, it goes unnoticed, and for 10 years down the road, all of a sudden, all these moments have built up. So speak to me about resentment and how that also plays a role in marriage satisfaction, really, in any relationship, truly.
- [12:27]
Monica Tanner
But, yeah, I think resentment is a great indicator and that we should always be aware of what resentment is telling us. So I think about it like the check engine light on your dashboard, right? There's all different types of little lights that might light up, right? One tells you if your tire pressure is low. One tells you if you're low in oil or whatever, there's all these indicator lights. And to me, that is what resentment is. So you can. If you notice the resentment and you do nothing about it and your car breaks down, who is to blame except for you, Right? I can't be like, this is so horrible. How did this happen? Because you saw that the check engine light was on and you chose to ignore it. Right? So resentment is the same way. If you feel resentment, it's a good indication that you're not getting something that you want or something feels unfair. And so that's when you have to go, okay, what do we need to do to service the car. Right. What do I need to do to take care of myself? I'm feeling resentful that my partner doesn't help around the house as much as I think that they should. All right, how do we go about and repair that or fix that or. And I teach a very simple framework for this. Whenever you are complaining about. So we're human, and a very human tendency is to complain about what we think is not fair or what we're not getting. So notice that complaint. So if I'm calling my best friend or my mom and I'm like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and I'm complaining about something, chances are, or I will absolutely guarantee if you're complaining about something, there is a desire or a need or a longing underneath that complaint. So I'm complaining that my partner doesn't help around the house. My. My desire is that I have an equal partner in. In helping around the house. Right. And so the first step is be willing to state what is happening. So I feel overwhelmed with all of the housework. Step one, remember that who you're talking to is the person that you love and live with. So I'm trying to relate this out to a lot of different responsibilities. But let's talk about. Let's say you're cohabitating or you're married to this person, right? Okay. So you want them to help more around the house. So step one is, remember that the person you're talking to is the person you love and that you live with. And the reason you're speaking up is because you want things to get better. The alternative is I walk around with resentment and punish them for not doing something that I never asked for. So if we take that first step and we go, okay, I want to make things better. And what that requires of me is that I get real clear on what I actually want and I bring it to them. So step one is, I call it remembering love. Remember who you're talking to and why you're talking to them. Step two, get stupidly specific about what you want. So if you go to your partner and you're like, I want more help around the house, what does that mean? What does that look like? How do they know if they've actually completed that? Or if you say, I want more intimacy. Again, super broad, how do I actually come through for you? I don't know. So if we get stupidly specific, that sounds like, hey, I would like for you to take responsibility of cleaning the kitchen three times a week. That means clearing the table after dinner, getting the dishes in the dishwasher, wiping the counter, sweeping the floors, and taking out the trash three times a week. That would be so helpful. That is a very specific request. If you're talking about intimacy, I would like for you to take responsibility of an initiating once a week. I would feel loved and chosen if you would make an effort to initiate once a week. Okay. Those are stupidly specific requests that your partner can actually go, okay, I hear what you're asking me to do, and I can and will do that for you. That's the hope, right?
- [16:41]
Morgan Huelsman
I love these steps. This is so good.
- [16:43]
Monica Tanner
Yes, yes. Be stupidly specific. And step three, this is where people forget and fall off and they don't do it, is appreciation. Show appreciation for any level of progress. So let's say you asked your partner three times a week to clean the kitchen, and they did it, like, one and a half. You could be like, what the crap? Like, I asked you to do something, you didn't do it. That's not super effective. But what if you went to your partner and you're like, hey, I so appreciate that you cleaned the kitchen on Monday. It was perfect, and it was really helpful. On Tuesday, you were, like, halfway there, and that was still helpful. I am so appreciative, and I wonder if next week you could step it up and do it all three nights. Right? Like, show your appreciation. It's okay to still ask for more, but make sure you're appreciating the progress that you are seeing. So that's three steps. Remember, love. Be stupidly specific, and then appreciate the progress.
- [17:51]
Morgan Huelsman
Oh, that appreciation step really gets people. Because it's something that somebody longs for so long, and then when it finally happens, they're like, okay, it finally happened. Cool. I can move on. But that.
- [18:01]
Monica Tanner
Or they think. Or they think, why did this take so long? Why didn't they just do it? Right.
- [18:06]
Morgan Huelsman
Yeah. Or like, it's. Yeah. I don't have to worry about thanking you. You finally did what I thought you should be doing all along.
- [18:12]
Monica Tanner
Yes. If you can step back from that and go, oh, my gosh, I am. This really did help me, and here's why. And I'm going to state this clearly.
- [18:22]
UnitedHealthcare Narrator
Health insurance should make getting care easier, but sometimes it can feel like the opposite. That's why UnitedHealthcare is committed to putting care at the heart of health insurance with empathy, transparency, and real human connection. I mean, doesn't care feel different when it's personal? When you can tell that the person on the other end of the phone, the screen and the Service genuinely cares. UnitedHealthcare is working to make that happen every day. They're also helping people make healthcare decisions with confidence, giving them the information that they need to better understand their benefits, costs and claims. Because UnitedHealthcare knows when you understand that stuff, you can better get the care you and your family need. UnitedHealthcare is also working to make care more accessible. They're doing it by helping connect people with more top doctors, clinics, specialists and such right in their own communities. It makes getting care easier and feels way more personal. You know, care can show up in a lot of ways and everyone at UnitedHealthcare is committed to bringing it every day. Learn more about how UnitedHealthcare is committed to care@uhc.com care this is the moment
- [19:21]
AI Summit Announcer
everyone in business has been waiting for. AI is rewriting the rules, and if you're not ahead, you're already behind.
- [19:27]
Dean Graziosi
Here's the reality. AI is moving fast. Really fast. Hey, it's Dean Grazioc. And a lot of people think they have years to figure AI out. The truth is, you might only have months, maybe less. I've never seen technology move this quick before. Right now, AI is helping people save hours every week, automate work that slows them down, and move faster than ever. But here's the challenge. Most people feel overwhelmed trying to figure out what makes sense for them.
- [19:51]
AI Summit Announcer
The two biggest names in personal growth are stepping in right now to cut through the noise.
- [19:55]
Dean Graziosi
That's exactly why Tony Robbins and I are hosting a free virtual AI Advantage Summit on April 23rd through the 25th. We're bringing together people who are actually using AI in the real world to show you what works. No complexity, no overwhelm, just a clear path to start using AI in your business, your career and your life. So join us April 23rd, the 24th, the 25th. Reserve your free seat at aisummit rsvp.com that's aisumitrsvp.com this is Dr. Laurie Santos
- [20:22]
Dr. Laurie Santos (continued)
from the Happiness Lab.
- [20:24]
Dr. Laurie Santos
As a happiness expert, I know that
- [20:25]
Dr. Laurie Santos (continued)
mindfulness isn't just about meditation. It's also about being present with your choices and for me, present at mealtime. That's why I choose Dietz and Watson. They're a family owned and operated business and they never cut corners. Ever. I use their chicken sausage with no added hormones in my family recipes. Dietz and Watson have been handcrafting meats and cheeses for over 85 years. They know that good taste doesn't need a long list of ingredients. They're totally transparent about what goes into their food and what doesn't. And that's why their meats and cheeses taste so great. They stick to what matters, using the fewest, highest quality ingredients to craft their meats and cheeses because that's how they've always done it. If you want a more mindful meal, check out Dietz and Watson. Dietz and Watson. It's a family thing since 1939. Visit dietzandwatson.com the right way to learn more about the dietz difference. That's dietzandwatson.com therightway this is Dr. Laurie
- [21:25]
Dr. Laurie Santos
Santos from the Happiness Lab and this message is brought to you by Simple Mills. On our show we talk a lot about strategies like temptation, bundling and implementation intentions, those research backed ways to make good habits stick. And there's some powerful evidence to suggest that the right snack can also support the other habits you're trying to build. Take a snack like Simple Mills. Their almond flour crackers are made with almond flour, sunflower seeds and flaxseeds. Simple Mills refers to their almond flour crackers as sunshine in every bite.
- [21:57]
Dr. Laurie Santos (continued)
And there is truth to that.
- [21:59]
Dr. Laurie Santos
It's a snack that lifts you up instead of weighing you down. And if you haven't tried them yet, Simple Mills popums are light, airy, cheese puffed crackers made with vegetables. A quick crunch like that can reinforce the habit loop without sabotaging your energy. Find Simple Mills at your grocery store
- [22:19]
Morgan Huelsman
and talk to me too. Because the dynamic of men and women's personalities also plays a role into this. We feel things differently, we see things differently. And so when you're talking about let's focus specifically on a man and a woman getting together, those dynamics are different. Just as it would be different if a woman and a woman or a man and a man, the dynamics are just different. So when we talk about combining two people's lives together, I don't know that people realize how much heaviness and weight that actually brings to the table. So in general, what is that like when you look at people and you're really trying to make sure that they're about to have a happy life. That's the goal. But it's two people's lives that are coming together and that means blending a lot of things. Walk me through just anything that comes to mind when I say that.
- [23:08]
Monica Tanner
Yeah. So I actually love this topic because I find that difference is so important for. But how you see the difference is also important. So when you're checking out like, is this a person I want to spend my whole life with? The differences don't matter as much as how they see the differences. So what this looks like is you've met people like this before. They are so married to their position on anything that they are right. And no matter what you do it, if it's different than theirs, it's wrong. Right. They cannot handle anybody challenging their position. I find that those people spend their entire lives looking at the butt of an elephant. So this is how I like to look at it. Right. As humans, we can only see from our own perspective, from our experience, from our, like, what we see. Right. And so you could be standing right in the butt of an elephant, but now you bring another person who has different experiences, different perspective, different viewpoints on things, and they could be looking at the side or the front of the elephant. And so if you use those differences to your advantage, if you respect and value those differences now, you can see a clearer picture of this magnificent animal in front of you. But if you choose not to ever value, respect, acknowledge, listen to a different perspective, you will be stuck looking at the butt of an elephant your entire life. I love that you don't want to get stuck with a person who is so dedicated to only seeing the butt of an elephant. So if you're out there looking for your perfect other person, I would be less concerned with how different they are than you. But how they view those differences, are they willing to take your perspective into consideration? And now the two of you can see more together than you could on your own.
- [25:14]
Morgan Huelsman
Yeah. Teamwork, right? You're joining together to create a team and a partnership. And the partnership hopefully gets to see the entire elephant. I don't want to see any butts of an elephant. I'm pretty good on that.
- [25:26]
Monica Tanner
Ah, not to mention them.
- [25:28]
Morgan Huelsman
Woo.
- [25:28]
Monica Tanner
That could sink after a while.
- [25:30]
Morgan Huelsman
Exactly. I love that analogy. That was so great. And it's funny to think about when we talk about even infighting in partnerships, right. Where people are arguing. And oftentimes I want to know your perspective on this because my fiance and I were also just speaking on it of when we get into disagreements or we don't see something eye to eye, we always ensure that when we come back together to connect about it, we're touching each other in some way. Holding hands, holding a leg, or like holding both hands. Or sometimes I sit right on top of him and I'm right in his face. And we've realized that touching each other in a moment of vulnerability of both of us Sharing the hardest things is disconnection, that we're still connected and we're still on the same team. So is that something you've ever seen working? Are we, like, random for doing that?
- [26:22]
Monica Tanner
It's so beautiful because the way to reconnect it requires vulnerability. Right? I always say reconnection or creativity. The way you create a beautiful life together is curiosity plus vulnerability. And that vulnerability piece that you talked about so well is, I make sure that we're touching each other. This is so funny, because way back when I was younger and all my friends were getting married, I loved this piece of advice. When people. When you know, you'd go to a bridal shower and you'd write down your advice for the bride on the index card or whatever, I would always say, whenever you get in a fight, take off all your clothes. It's hard to fight with someone who's naked. But now, after working with couples for years and years and years, what I really meant by that and what I was, like, touching on was that it's really hard to fight when you've taken the barriers down, when you're vulnerable, when you can open up to your partner and get vulnerable and you can really see each other. When I have a couple come to my office and they're like, we fight all the time. I'm like, great, I can teach you how to fight more effectively and how to repair that. When you have a couple that doesn't ever fight, it means that somebody is self abandoning. One or both of them either isn't honoring who they are and showing up in the relationship, or one or both of them just don't care. That is so much harder to work with than when you have a couple like, we fight all the time. That means you both care about something. That means you're both willing to stand up for yourself. But now let's teach you a more relational way to do that. And that usually includes bringing in curiosity and vulnerability. Mm.
- [28:10]
Morgan Huelsman
And that's interesting to hear because it is often you hear people talk about, you should never fight. And mind you, my fiance fight awesome. And we don't fight in the way that people think about fighting. We're not boxers going at each other, but we do have a lot of disagreements. And disagreements to us, have become a way of reconnecting and we finding a way to do it better. So hopefully we don't have that same disagreement over and over and over again.
- [28:36]
Monica Tanner
Yeah, fighting is good. I believe that fighting, not, yeah, jumping in the ring and just boxing it out, but disagreeing and owning that is so good for a relationship. Because relationships are an endless cycle of harmony, disharmony, and repair. So you see this, this is started with Ed Tronick when he studied mother infant relationships, right? You, the baby, and the mother and the baby are looking at each other and they're cooing and they're in perfect harmony. And then the baby starts crying and it's a moment of disconnection. The mother is like, I don't know what to do. I feel disconnected. I like, I want to help, but I don't know how. And then the moment of repair, right? The mother either picks up the child to soothe it or repair. When repair happens, this is where trust and resiliency and strength and intimacy are built in the relationship. You cannot have that in harmony. If you are in harmony all the time, your relationship won't ever get stronger and more resilient and more passionate, more intimate. You have to have the disharmony in order to come back into repair with each other. That's how trust is built. It's not that we never, like, disconnect or have moments of disharmony. It's that we are both committed and willing to come back into harmony with each other. That's trust. That's resilience. That's intimacy.
- [30:10]
Morgan Huelsman
That harmony is really important. And to your point, it's hard to achieve if you're always staying in harmony. When is life ever perfect enough that we always stay in harmony?
- [30:19]
Monica Tanner
So why would relationships do that? Into disharmony, or life will bring it into disharmony, but either way, you're going to experience moments of disharmony, and it's okay. Don't be afraid of those moments. Just get the skills to repair, rebuild, and bring it back into that harmony phase.
- [30:37]
Morgan Huelsman
And I mentioned to you, I love nuance. And I think there's a piece also to this that's important. And what we're also taught in a little bit in movies, TV shows, going back to that is that there are relationships that are push, pull, where there are people that use the dynamic of fighting to bring you back in. And that's not what we're talking about here. So I do want to mention that and have you speak on that too, because there is that other side that people are like, somebody could be in a relationship where they're fighting and they hear this and then they justify it. So I also want to add that nuance here of there's certain fights that matter, right?
- [31:12]
Monica Tanner
Because then you get into control and abuse. Like, how are you manipulating each other back into staying into unhealthy dynamics. So for sure, you definitely don't want. But that's usually when people will look for help, is when they're finding themselves in a dynamic that is unhealthy, where it is. So learning how to fight fair, learning how to repair those types of things are really, really, really important. But if you find yourself, like, injuring each other and, like, fighting and you're falling into really dysfunctional patterns where you have to control each other or, yeah, you're really injuring each other, that's when, please get help, because that's, like, bordering on abuse. At what point is too much? Too much? Right. So get help and learn how to fight respectfully and lovingly and in a way that brings more trust and love and intimacy.
- [32:05]
Morgan Huelsman
Yes. And thank you. I just have learned that I need to be more nuanced with things because especially with social media, we love to just see things from one point of view. And I'm trying to remember that of somebody hearing that and be like, well, we're fighting, so we're great. I'm like, well, we're doing good.
- [32:22]
Monica Tanner
No. Are you repealing a lot of pain in the relationship? Resentment is a good example of that. If you're feeling pain, resentment that is going on, you're trying on your own to resolve it, but you're not quite getting there. That's a good indication that you need help from an outside source, from a different perspective, somebody that can help you see the dynamic that you're in that is causing you pain.
- [32:45]
Morgan Huelsman
Yes. Listen, I'm a huge proponent of doing therapy or having a coach, whatever can help you work through things. Having an unbiased opinion can sometimes help bring you together. So highly encourage that. Even if you're in a healthy relationship,
- [33:02]
UnitedHealthcare Narrator
health insurance should make getting care easier. But sometimes it can feel like the opposite. That's why UnitedHealthcare is committed to putting care at the heart of health insurance, with empathy, transparency, and real human connection. I mean, doesn't care feel different when it's personal? When you can tell that the person on the other end of the phone, the screen, and the Service genuinely cares? UnitedHealthcare is working to make that happen every day. They're also helping people make healthcare decisions with confidence, giving them the information that they need to better understand their benefits, costs and claims. Because UnitedHealthcare knows when you understand that stuff, you can better get the care you and your family need. UnitedHealthcare is also working to make care more accessible. They're doing it by helping connect people with more top doctors, clinics, specialists and such right in their own communities. It makes getting care easier and feels way more personal. You know, care can show up in a lot of ways and everyone at UnitedHealthcare is committed to bringing it every day. Learn more about how UnitedHealthcare is committed to care@uhc.com care this is the moment
- [34:01]
AI Summit Announcer
everyone in business has been waiting for. AI is rewriting the rules. And if you're not ahead, you're already behind.
- [34:07]
Dean Graziosi
Here's the reality. AI is moving fast. Really fast. Hey, it's Dean Graziosi. And a lot of people think they have years to figure AI out. The truth is you might only have months, maybe less. I've never seen technology move this quick before. Right now, AI is helping people save hours every week, automate work that slows them down, and move faster than ever. But here's the challenge. Most people feel overwhelmed trying to figure out what makes sense for them.
- [34:32]
AI Summit Announcer
The two biggest names in personal growth are stepping in right now to cut through the noise.
- [34:35]
Dean Graziosi
That's exactly why Tony Robbins and I are hosting a free virtual AI Advantage Summit on April 23rd through the 24th. Fifth. We're bringing together people who are actually using AI in the real world to show you what works. No complexity, no overwhelm, just a clear path to start using AI in your business, your career and your life. So join us. April 23rd, the 24th, the 25th. Reserve your free seat at aisummit rsvp.com that's aisummit rsvp dot com this is
- [35:01]
Dr. Laurie Santos (continued)
Dr. Laurie Santos from the Happiness Lab. As a happiness expert, I know that mindfulness isn't just about meditation. It's also about being present with your choices and for me, present at mealtime. That's why I choose Dietz and Watson. They're a family owned and operated business and they never cut corners. Ever. I use their chicken sausage with no added hormones in my family recipes. Dietz and Watson have been handcrafting meats and cheeses for over 85 years. They know that good taste doesn't need a long list of ingredients. They're totally transparent about what goes into their food and what doesn't. And that's why their meats and cheeses taste so great. They stick to what matters, using the fewest, highest quality ingredients to craft their meats and cheeses because that's how they've always done it. If you want a more mindful meal, check out Dietz and Watson. Dietz. Watson. It's a family thing. Since 1939. Visit dietzandwatson.com therightway to learn more about the Dietz difference. That's dietzandwatson.com TheRightWay this is Dr. Laurie
- [36:05]
Dr. Laurie Santos
Santos from the Happiness Lab and this message is brought to you by Simple Mills. On our show we talk a lot about strategies like temptation, bundling and implementation intentions, those research backed ways to make good habits stick. And there's some powerful evidence to suggest that the right snack can also support the other habits you're trying to build. Take a snack like Simple Mills. Their almond flour crackers are made with almond flour, sunflower seeds and flaxseeds. Simple Mills refers to their almond flour crackers as sunshine in every bite.
- [36:37]
Dr. Laurie Santos (continued)
And there is truth to that.
- [36:39]
Dr. Laurie Santos
It's a snack that lifts you up instead of weighing you down. And if you haven't tried them yet, Simple Mills pop' ems are light, airy, cheese puffed crackers made with vegetables. A quick crunch like that can reinforce the habit loop without sabotaging your energy. Find Simple Meals at your grocery store.
- [36:59]
Morgan Huelsman
I did want to ask you about the honeymoon period. We often talk about the honeymoon and some people are like, I've been on the honeymoon period for 40 years of my life. And others where they're like, that lasted for three days. So does the honeymoon period really exist? Should it be forever? Walk me through that.
- [37:15]
Monica Tanner
Oh, for sure. This is where a lot of, like a lot of the things I'm talking about, the cycle of harmony, disharmony repair, come from. The modality that I use, which is relational life therapy created by Terry Real. And he tells this story, he attributes it to somebody else, I'm sorry, I can't remember who. But he tells a story that just always makes me laugh. Is he. The quote is, the first day of your real marriage is the morning you wake up and you, and you look at your partner and you're like, dear God, what have I done right? That's when the real marriage starts. But that will inevitably happen when the hormones wear off, the pheromones wear off, that idea of this perfect reality that you think you're going to create together. And all of a sudden you realize that the person you have just like committed your life to is actually a real human being with strengths and weaknesses, with annoying habits. They might breathe loud, they might chew loud, they might leave their crap on the floor and you go, oh my gosh. Like now it's really time to somehow, like it has been called in the past, normal marital hatred. You're gonna go through periods where you look at the person next to you and you're like, I did not choose all of this. And then that's when you have to make the real choice of, okay, this person is imperfect, I am also imperfect. And how are we going to choose to make a life together in light that we're both. In light of the fact that we're both imperfect?
- [38:47]
Morgan Huelsman
Yeah. And that's something you mentioned there, that is important too is the both of you. Right. Because you can't have one of you sitting there. And I think that's where we start to see divorces and things happen. Because it takes two people. Just like we're talking about teamwork and partnership. You can't have one person being like, okay, how do we work through this fact that you aren't exactly perfect as nobody is, but it takes both of you to recognize that and decide, okay, through everything else, I'm choosing you every single time.
- [39:18]
Monica Tanner
Yes, yes. And you can initiate change on your own. So I hear people get really like heated about one or the other. I do feel like you can initiate change on your own, but it requires two to lock that change into place. The reality is we can only control ourselves. So as much as we think or want or have the wish that we can control our partner into being some different version of themselves, we can only clean up our side of the streets. And so it is important to have a willing partner. And that is something you're not going to get it exactly right. But you can start to explore that before you get married. You can see, is this person willing to take responsibility, admit when they're wrong sometimes work on the things that are displeasing. Right. Like it's good to look through a lens of like, at some point all of this newness and lovey dovey is going to wear off. And so is this other person, like, willing to look at themselves and course. Correct. And will they be willing to work with me and co create something really special together or are they very dedicated to their own point of view and they just want to stand and look at the butt of an elephant. Right. So all of those things are really important to explore before you commit your life to somebody. So my son, he got married when he was 21 and when he called and told me like he met the girl he was going to marry, he wanted to propose. My first question was, have you had your first fight? Like, you haven't known each other very long. I hope that you have a good idea of what her family is like and like her views on having children and all the things that are important to you. But also, have you disagreed about something yet? Because that's really important, like data to get before you're like, oh, we're never going to fight. What could possibly go wrong? This is all great. It's. You want to know how they disagree with you and how they're going to show up when potentially they could be in the wrong. I think that's all really important things to have your eyes open to before you're just like, let's just get married and live happily ever after. It'll be great. What could go wrong?
- [41:29]
Morgan Huelsman
Oh, yes, I'm a big fan of data. I love. I even as a single girl at that point in my life, I loved gathering data. How I could go on dates all the time and be like, give me more data so I can figure out what I want. Like, big fan of that. So I totally get it. And another thing I remember therapist mentioned to me when I was dating, she had said, make sure you go through something hard together. Like it doesn't have to be. Ideally it is really hard. So you do know how they handle it, how they bounce back. But it could be even a tire blowing out on the road or one of you having car trouble and something to that effect. You really want to experience with somebody how they handle bad things.
- [42:12]
Monica Tanner
Yeah. I don't know where this quote came from, but I love it is you want to go through four seasons and a very long car trip together. That's how you'll know. But I also, my son was. Did not do that. And he's happily married. Cross your fingers that he gathered all the data that he needed. But I always say four seasons and a car trip is going to give you some good data about whether or not this is the right person to hit yourself to.
- [42:39]
Morgan Huelsman
And it's funny too. It's hard because you do see those success stories, right? Where there's that we met and listen, my fiance and I are starting to become one. And I never saw that happening in my life where it was like I. When you know, you know, holy crap, I'm about to spend my life with this person. Granted, we're 32 and 35, so we have had some life, some life experience.
- [42:59]
Monica Tanner
Good.
- [43:00]
Morgan Huelsman
But it is that where you have those anomalies where that happens. But that doesn't happen all the time. More. It's actually more often that it doesn't where it's a gradual increase and you finally look at somebody and say, I want to spend my life with You. And I'm just now realizing it. So can you speak to some of that where we do get it wrong and just. We see so many things and we are easily influenced, and we're like, if it happened in this way, then it can happen that. Which is true. But there's also, like, a reality to this, and I want people to experience reality so then they can experience love.
- [43:35]
Monica Tanner
Yeah. This is such a. Like a loaded question, but I love it. I legit don't have a leg to stand on. My husband and I, from the day we met to the day we married, was 11 months, so I didn't even make it four seasons in a long car trip. But I definitely want my kids to do it that way.
- [43:53]
Morgan Huelsman
Wait, listen. We love it. Like, it's.
- [43:55]
Monica Tanner
Are you.
- [43:56]
Morgan Huelsman
It's hard unless you've experienced it, right, to know and do that. And like I say, everything is individualistic. Everything has their own experience.
- [44:05]
Monica Tanner
Yes. My love story is my love story, and I love it. Yeah, exactly.
- [44:09]
Morgan Huelsman
And it worked out. Now you have kids and you're happy, and you're doing this to help other couples. So it clearly worked.
- [44:15]
Monica Tanner
Totally. Yes. Marriage is a gamble no matter how long you know each other. My parents who divorced, they knew each other for 15 years before they got married. They knew each other as children. So there's no guarantees. There's nothing you can do that's going to secure the life that you want, except for to learn the skills to be relational. And then I think there is just a level of the mindset that everything is happening for me. So. So if you don't get exactly what you want, you always have a choice. So there's all kinds of tools that I teach, like relational reckoning. Like, at some point a couple has to sit down, or a person, an individual, has to sit down and go, is there enough good in this relationship to mourn what I'm not getting? Because you're never gonna get every single thing that you want. There's just. No, that's just not reality or how life works. And so at some point, you have to sit down and go, all right, is there enough good here that I want to mourn? Let go of work with what I might not ever get. And that's a hard reality that people have to come to. But there's just a lot of loss in life. Life is about loss. And how do I want to choose in the face of that? It's a hard truth. It's not easy to hear. But nevertheless, that is what we have to do as humans. We have to look at the reality that we're in and make a choice.
- [45:41]
Morgan Huelsman
Yes, we very much do. And it's the role we play in our own lives is what you're mentioning.
- [45:46]
Monica Tanner
Right.
- [45:46]
Morgan Huelsman
We have to own and have ownership of what we decide and the decisions and choices that we make. And I think that is so much a part of this. And that's why relationships tend to be difficult and dating is hard because we realize the consequences of our own actions. And so then you do finally have a moment of, oh, crap, yeah, I want to spend my life with that person. And then a whole bunch of other decisions come into play and choices you're making. So it's so much about our experiences and our knowledge and stuff. But then you have somebody like your son who is, I don't need any. I'm good. I found it. This is what I want to do. And that's amazing. I think that's what's so cool about love, is there are some times where the rulebook does get completely thrown out a thousand percent.
- [46:35]
Monica Tanner
When I think of my husband and I, we came from two so different upbringings. We were raised in different parts of the country. We were raised in different socioeconomic situations. We were raised with different religions. There's so much different. On paper, you would go, this woman and this man are never going to figure out how to make this work.
- [46:58]
Morgan Huelsman
And yet you did.
- [46:59]
Monica Tanner
And yet I feel so strongly that it is our differences that create the passion in our marriage and navigating those differences together that create the intimacy. And I would never want to do life with any other person than my husband, even though he does think so. If I say the sky is blue, he's gonna say it's gray. Like, we see things very differently, but that's part of the magic of what makes us who we are. And I feel like that's a gift that we give to our kids, is learning how to respectfully navigate those differences. So I know that he's gonna see it differently than me. I also wanna know how he's seeing it differently and how that blesses my life. Mm.
- [47:44]
Morgan Huelsman
That's so cool. It's cool to look at differences in such a beautiful way. And I love that it's worked for you guys, too, because I know there's people out there, too, who are like, we're the exact same. And so it works that way. And again, it goes back to your individual experiences and what fuels your fire, what makes you excited, what makes you happy. And I love that you guys have found that way to be happy together and create such a beautiful life. And there was something else. You mentioned that, and it might relate to your guys's experience, based on what I'm hearing. So you said being good at relational skills is an important thing to be with people. So what did you mean exactly by that?
- [48:23]
Monica Tanner
Yeah, I think relationships, relationality, it's a skill set just like any other skill set. If you want to be good at a sport, if you want to be good at playing an instrument, you have to learn the skills. You have to make it a priority. You also have to be willing to be bad at it before you're good at it. Nobody just picks up a guitar and starts playing a masterpiece. Right. Relationships are no different. It's not like we're born good or bad. Like, we all get handed different levels of, Of a relational blueprint. And if we make it, if we choose to make it a priority, we can get good at it. Anyone can get good at a sport. Anyone can learn how to play an instrument if they're willing to do what it takes to get there, if they're willing to get through all the muck, if they're willing to practice on days they don't feel like practicing, and they're willing to sound bad before they sound good. Right. You can learn how to do pretty much anything, and relationships are no different.
- [49:25]
Morgan Huelsman
That's really encouraging for a lot of people because I also know there's a significant portion of people out there who don't date a lot and they feel uncomfortable dating. And so I think, think learning that it is something that can be learned rather than something that has to stay just completely out of their spectrum. I think that's a good thing to hear.
- [49:43]
Monica Tanner
Yeah. And listen, we live in such a beautiful time where athletes with impairments or handicaps or doing incredible, incredible things. Right. So, yeah, we may have challenges when it comes to relationships, like things that we have to overcome from our past or mentally or whatever the case may be. But that. That doesn't preclude you from being successful at relationships. It just makes you have to be more creative about it.
- [50:13]
Morgan Huelsman
Yes. And you know what? Creative is sometimes a better path than the chosen one. So you never know what you're going to end up with that. I like to end the episodes when I do these with something that really matters to you, or maybe it's heavy on your heart, or maybe you want to be inspirational with it or motivational. It can really be whatever. Or maybe a topic we didn't get to that you feel is important. We Touch on. So I hand it over to you and you end us on something.
- [50:40]
Monica Tanner
Yeah, I think it's easy to listen to an episode of your favorite podcast like this and then immediately get overwhelmed. Oh, my gosh. Okay, I gotta fix our whole overhaul or my relationship or how I'm showing up in the dating world or whatever. And I would just encourage your listeners to just pick one thing. There's a lot. There's a lot of momentum that can build from being consistent about one small thing or one more. One small area of improvement. So I would say pick one thing that you want to get better at or a habit that you want to put in, or a relational skill you want to start using and get really consistent with that one thing and create the momentum for yourself to get better instead of trying to overhaul everything. Pick one thing.
- [51:31]
Morgan Huelsman
Oh, I needed to hear that, apparently, because I'm really good at just writing everything down and saying, okay, I'm just gonna do it all, go for it all. So I needed to hear that because you're right. Things do become more successful if we come at it with a little bit more of a tactful approach instead of a all in, just throw it all out and try something new. So I think that's really incredible advice. And Monica, thanks for being here and sharing your expertise. It was really cool to hear everything you had to say.
- [51:56]
Monica Tanner
Yeah. So great to meet you, Morgan. Keep doing the great work you're doing.
- [51:59]
UnitedHealthcare Narrator
I loved all of Monica's insights on how we can be better partners. And more than that, work to just
- [52:04]
Morgan Huelsman
have better relational skills, which is an ever evolving goal if you have any kind of relationships in your life.
- [52:10]
UnitedHealthcare Narrator
I'm looking for some fresh ideas on
- [52:12]
Morgan Huelsman
guests to stop by this podcast so
- [52:14]
UnitedHealthcare Narrator
there's anyone you love that you think
- [52:15]
Morgan Huelsman
would be a good fit. Go ahead and DM me at. Take this personally.
- [52:19]
UnitedHealthcare Narrator
I love yapping with you guys about life.
- [52:21]
Morgan Huelsman
So I thank you for being here.
- [52:23]
UnitedHealthcare Narrator
Love you all and see you next week.
- [52:25]
AI Summit Announcer
The AI shift is here, and your advantage starts now.
- [52:28]
Dean Graziosi
You're not going to be replaced by AI, but you might be replaced by someone who knows how to use it. Hey, it's Dean Graziosi. And right now, AI is creating one of the biggest opportunities I've ever seen. But most people, they're stuck on trying to figure out where to begin.
- [52:40]
AI Summit Announcer
That's why Dean and Tony Robbins are stepping in.
- [52:42]
Dean Graziosi
We'll show you the tools and the strategies people are already using to work faster, buy back time, grow smarter, and stay ahead.
- [52:49]
AI Summit Announcer
Reserve your free seat@aisumitrsvp.com Aisumitrsvp.com this is
- [52:55]
Dr. Laurie Santos
Dr. Lori Santos from the Happiness Lab. This weekend I'm having friends over for a dinner party and I'll be serving my famous White Bean Escarole Chicken Sauce sausage. And of course I'll be using Dietz Watson Italian Chicken Sausage. Their sausage is always perfect for guests because it has no nitrates added, it's gluten free and it's just delicious. Visit dietzandwatson.com the right way to learn more about the Dietz difference. This is Dr. Laurie Santos from the Happiness Lab and this message is brought to you by Simple Mills Simple Mills packs nutrient dense ingredients into snacks that taste amazing like their cheesy, light and airy pop ems or their five different delicious flavors of almond flour crackers, lifting you up, never weighing you down so you can keep shining through the day. You could say Simple Mills is the feeling of the sun in a snack. Find Simple Mills at your grocery store.
- [53:51]
Klarna Advertiser
Have you heard about Klarna? Klarna is an app designed to make everyday spending simpler and more transparent. It gives you flexibility to decide how you want to pay, whether that's that's paying right away, paying later, or spreading payments over time, depending on what works best for you. Everything is managed in the Klarna app so you can keep track of purchases and stay organized. You can also discover deals and even earn cash back when you shop through the Klarna app with participating brands. It's all about flexibility and staying in control of how and when you pay. Download the Klarna app today or visit klarna.com to learn more. Terms Apply California Resident Loans made or arranged pursuant to a California Finance law license, NMLS number 1353190 Klarna balance account required to be eligible for cashback points Limitations, Terms and conditions apply.
- [54:51]
Monica Tanner
This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.