← The Bobby Bones Show
The Bobby Bones Show
The Lies Women Believe About Their Bodies Part 3: “I’ll Never Measure Up” / “I Have to Earn My Worth” (Outweigh)
00:14:47
Loading summary
Transcript38 lines
- [00:01]
Martin Luther King III
Welcome to my Legacy. I'm Martin Luther King III and together with my wife, Andrea Waters King, and our dear friends Mark and Craig Kilburger, we explore the personal journeys that shape extraordinary lives.
- [00:12]
Jess Hilarious
Join us for heartfelt conversations with remarkable guests like David Oyelowo, Mel Robbins, Martin Sheen, Dr. Sanjay Gupta and Billy Porter.
- [00:22]
Leanne Ellington
Listen to my legacy on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. This is my legacy.
- [00:30]
Jess Hilarious
Yo, what up? It's your girl Jess. Hilarious. And I think it's time to acknowledge that I'm not just a comedian. It's time to add uncertified therapist to my credentials. Because each and every Wednesday I'm fixing your mess on carefully Reckless on the Black Effect Podcast Network. Got problems in your relationship? Come to me your best friend acting shady Come to me Thought you was the father but you not come to me I can't promise I won't judge you but I can guarantee that I will help you. Listen to carefully Reckless on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcast.
- [01:03]
Bobby Bones
Calling all Yellowstone fans, let's go to work. Join Bobby Bones on the official Yellowstone podcast for exclusive cast interviews, behind the scenes insights and a deep dive into the themes that have made Yellowstone a cultural phenomenon. Our family legacy is this ranch and I protect. I live my life. Listen to the official Yellowstone podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
- [01:33]
Unknown
Black History Month is here and we're excited to kick off season four. If I didn't know, maybe you didn't either. This season we're shining a spotlight on revolutionary women who redefined excellence. Give Grace wisher her flowers. Next time you see the American flag, you just remember a 16 year old black woman helped to make it happen. Listen to I didn't know. Maybe you didn't either. From the Black Effect Podcast Network on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast or simply wherever you get your podcast.
- [02:05]
I won't let my body outweigh Outweigh everything that I made I won't spend my life trying to change I'm learning to love who I am I am strong I feel free I know every part of me is beautiful and I will always outweigh if you feel it put your hands in show some love to the mirror While you're there let's take it one day at a time.
- [02:36]
Amy
Cause you and I outweigh Happy Saturday Outweigh. Amy here with Leanne. Hey, Leanne.
- [02:44]
Leanne Ellington
Hello.
- [02:45]
Amy
And we are continuing our four part series, the Lies Women believe about their Bodies. Part one, which was a couple of weeks ago, the lie I'll be happy when part two was last Saturday. I'm the only one who feels this way or struggles like this. We all know that's a lie. We are not alone in this. And then this is part three, today's episode, which the lie is I'll never measure up or I have to earn my worth. Oh, that's a big one for sure.
- [03:18]
Leanne Ellington
You know, this is one of those ones that I learned as an adult. But I feel like little Leanne, you know, eight year old Leanne needed to hear this because I grew up in this overweight, sedentary couch potato kid that, you know, my, my weight gain manifested pretty early. So very early on I was, I was the chubby one in my group of friends. All the things, constantly hearing like, oh, she'd be so pretty if she lost weight, you know, from a very young age. And so because of that, and I didn't know this at the time, but for my whole life I was like, okay, if I'm not going to be the air quotes pretty one or whatever one, I was saying, I'm going to go be the smart one, I'm going to go be the funny one, I'm going to go whatever. And I brought that into adulthood. And not only did I was I hustling for my worth independent of, you know, my body or what, but I learned this kind of weird self sufficiency, you know, that I had to do everything on my own and hold my own and show my own. So I think this is obviously a big topic, but you know, at some point in time we believed this lie that I'll either never measure up or I have to earn my worth. And usually where that sneaks in is in that one area that you don't feel like you are measuring up. So for most of my clients, it's obviously, you know, not, not a coincidence that their big one was similar to mine. Like if I'm not going to be, if I'm not going to look a certain way, I'm gonna have to go like overreach or compensate, you know, and so this is where it shows up. And then this is also what leads to the perfectionism where it's never gonna be enough. So again, big topic, lots of different branches. But I'm curious, you know, as you're listening to this, like where did you start to believe this lie? When was the first time that you believe this lie that that you're not good enough, that you have to go earn it somehow in some way that you're, that you're not living up because wherever it started you've probably, it's probably just kind of festered and mo and you're still most likely carrying it with you into your current life.
- [05:04]
Amy
Yeah, I mean I can share one that's top of mind for me right now that has nothing to do with food and body image because I think that these lies can pop up in all ways and I know this is outweigh and that's the topic we focus on, but a lie I started to believe early on and I still struggle with to this day is that I'll never measure up when it comes to being smart or grades or education, whatever it is. I just was not at the level my friends were. I felt stupid. And there were a lot of different stories from my childhood that I made worse because I would repeat them in my head over and over and I gave them way too much power. But then that became the narrative of what I believed. And so then I was this sort of self fulfilling prophecy because it was like, oh well, I don't get good grades so that's just not my thing. I'm more social, I show up in this way and I lived out that, that storyline and well into my adult years. I would say the years that I ended up doing the most work with that would be the last four or five years or so. And now I believe no, I am, I am capable and I can measure up and I can do certain things that I never thought I would be able to do because I wasn't smart enough to do them.
- [06:17]
Leanne Ellington
Absolutely. Yeah. And it's so interesting because you know, for, for all like that's. And thank you for sharing that because I think we can all relate to that of like what was that thing that we believed? And who knows? You, you could tell us this or not, but I'm curious to hear if that is what caused you to be like, okay, if I'm not smart enough, I'm going to go be as, you know, whatever with my body as I can be. And that's where we go to try hyper control something. When we feel out of control in one area of our life, we're like, well this is something I can control. Because at the end of the day, the food stuff, a lot of it is like this control.
- [06:45]
Amy
I think what people did come to me for was wellness advice. Not that I was qualified or they should have been taking it from me. But I knew a lot about diets.
- [06:54]
Leanne Ellington
Yeah.
- [06:54]
Amy
So let's not even call it smart at that. Let's not even call it wellness, because this was the 90s and into the 2000s and then even the 2010s. But I was kind of the go to of what's the latest diet trend? Of course I've done it. What's the latest workout trend? Cause of course I was doing it. So that became my thing. People would come to me for information about that. And so, you know, I was proud of it at the time. Ugh. It's exhausting thinking back on all the different things that I tried, but pretty much did it all.
- [07:28]
Leanne Ellington
Yeah. Isn't that so interesting? And it. And it did all come from this idea or, you know, I'm not smart. So you finally got to be smart in that and recognized by it and getting attention for it. And so it's interesting. And not that we have to go like, psychoanalyze these, but. But like, understanding is like where something happen, happen, like why we did what we did. And just having that quick awareness is like, oh, it enables us to have the compassion. Like, so for me, I'm like, oh, sweet, sweet little Leanne. No wonder you went down that road of thinking. You had to prove how smart, how successful, how whatever you were, because you felt broken and you felt like weren't adding up, and you felt like there was a lot of negative attention on your body. Right. And so being able to give ourselves that compassion. Right. I think another big thing too, and you know, this could be its own episode in itself, is that outside influence. And the comparison itis really comes into this as well. I mean, I do have compassion for the younger generation who they are growing up, being born into a social media world. Like, we. We didn't have that. It came later on when we did have that emotional armor. But, you know, seeing, you know, the comparison is the thief of joy, as they say. Right. And talking about this idea of how we perceive ourselves as not measuring up is one thing, but then how we are putting ourselves in. In this kind of, you know, measuring stick contest compared to what we think other people are doing or thinking or whatever. Right. So I think we also can't talk about this subject without talking about the influence of. Of other people. But really our perception of that.
- [08:51]
Amy
What advice do you have for people that are stuck in a comparison rut?
- [08:56]
Leanne Ellington
Obviously it's a bigger topic than that because it's like, what are you comparing yourself to? And so if my self image and my identity Is one of like, there's something wrong with me. All the things fill in the blank and like, obviously we're talking about beliefs. So like insert belief number one, insert belief number two. That's what makes up our identity. If, if that's what we are comparing ourselves to, we're always going to lose, right? Or we're always going to feel like we're playing defense against like protecting ourselves from outside opinions versus I, I prefer to take more of like an offense approach and be like, okay, let me change the root of that. Let me change the goggles that I'm seeing myself through every day. Because first of all, the comparison won't feel as comparisonitis E But also like the kinds of measuring sticks I start using might change altogether too. Hope they will if you, if you do the work, you know. So I believe I'm kind of going that direction. But none of us, no matter how resilient, how self insured you are, are immune to comparison. Right? So it's knowing what things are, doing what they aren't, but really standing in the knowingness of who you are, it'll ma. It's not that it won't matter, but it just won't make a difference. It won't shake you.
- [09:56]
Amy
Another thing you can do on the offense, especially when it comes to social media, is take inventory of who you're following and doing and audit every couple of months because it may change. Like something could be seeping into your mind without you even realizing it. Like you're just sort of flipping through and you one month aren't really impacted by someone's account and then a couple months later you might be like, wait a second, this is impacting me in a more negative way than I previously thought. So I'm going to take inventory here and either mute this account for a little bit or unfollow if it's someone that you don't really know and that doesn't matter. But I could see if it's a friend that might be having that impact on you and you don't want to hurt their feelings or you don't want to draw attention to it, then muting is an option. And then that way you can give yourself that peace and that space to reset. And that's being on the offense, that's being proactive and you're not harming anybody else in the process. But you are taking care of you.
- [10:48]
Leanne Ellington
Yeah, absolutely. And Amy knows this about me personally. Like anytime we talk it's like, do you have social media on your phone today? Or, you know, like, I. I'm constantly taking them on and off because it's part of. One of the ways that I do kind of protect my energy and give myself the ability to really, you know, take radical ownership of what is influencing me, you know? And so I actually. I'll totally plug this. I came out with an episode on what's God Got to Do with it called Navigating the Noise, how to Find Peace in a World of Overstimulation. And I actually shared my thoughts about if you do want to take a little bit of a digital detox. Because when we're talking about doing that inner work on ourselves, sometimes it's not that I'm hiding from social media, but sometimes I'm just actively choosing to insulate myself a little bit, you know, and choose what I'm influencing myself around. I go narrower and deeper into that in that episode. So we'll link that in the show notes.
- [11:36]
Amy
I love that. So go listen to that episode for more in depth on that, because I think it's something we could all benefit from. But I also want to remind people, too, that there is space for everybody, because sometimes, even on socials, we can look at what someone else is doing and think, like, oh, well, they're already doing that, so I just probably shouldn't do it because they're doing it better than me. And again, I'll never measure up to that.
- [11:58]
Leanne Ellington
Yeah, good point.
- [12:00]
Amy
Mel Robbins is really good at reminding people of this, that there is room for everybody. There is space out there. So don't let that stop you from measuring up, because you are able to. And instead of being jealous or comparing yourself or being like, ugh, just getting frustrated, celebrate other people's wins, celebrate their accomplishments, celebrate how they're measuring up for themselves, because then you're putting out that energy, and that energy will be matched.
- [12:31]
Leanne Ellington
Absolutely.
- [12:32]
Unknown
Yeah.
- [12:32]
Leanne Ellington
I just got goosebumps because I was thinking about somebody that I'm working with right now. I'll just call her K for in. In anonymity. Thank you. But I'm smiling because I'm so proud of her, because when we first came together to work together, one of the things that she told me is she's like, Leanne. And I believe she's in her 60s. Yes, she's in her 60s. And she's like, I am ready to take up space. She's like, I'm a creative person, and she has all these talents. And she's like, I'm ready to take up space. Space. And. And not having anything to do with my body. And so now when we're doing our coaching, like, everything in her, she just needed that. That to click for her. And now everything she talks about is in the language of, like, her taking up space. And it's the physical and it's metaphorical. Right. But so for. For when we're hustling for our worthiness, a lot of times we shrink ourselves and we hide and we don't want that light on us, and we don't give ourselves permission to be seen, and we don't give ourselves permission to take up space and be on this metaphorical microphone and let ourselves talk and let ourselves be heard and we diminish and we shove down and we sh. And so I think that's another big thing that I just want to impress upon your minds, like, you do not have to shrink, but that's not something that somebody can give you a magic permission slip to do. You've got to be the one to say, hey, I'm done hiding, I'm done shrinking. Because I haven't gotten to this metaphorical, you know, measuring stick yet, which goes into, you know, all the things that we've talked about, especially episode one of this series, you know, like, where are you shrinking yourself because you haven't reached that I'll be happy when marker as well. So these beliefs can really mold and mesh together.
- [13:58]
Amy
I think a good exercise to leave people with would be the self endorsement journaling. So can you walk people through what that is so that it's an exercise maybe they can try out?
- [14:07]
Leanne Ellington
Yeah. The short version of this is like, imagine every single day you're in a car going metaphorically south in the direction of thinking about what you're not doing and who you're not being and what's not working and what you don't have and what you don't like about yourself, practicing that every single day in your thoughts where you're failing, where you're not adding up, that becomes your self image. And so in order to turn from, like, self. Self self deprecation and self criticism and self rejection in order to change in the direction of like, you know, self appreciation or self acceptance or gratitude or what, or even just connecting to who you are becoming, changing your self image and your self endorsement of yourself. That is a practice. And so it's, you know, basically little by little, it's about turning that car north, turning that car north, turning that car north in the direction of self endorsement. Right. And it doesn't happen overnight. And you're going to get in the car tomorrow and it's going to start going south and you're going to have to turn it around. And then you're gonna have to turn around. You have to turn it. But eventually it's going to start instead of going south, it's going to go southeast and then it's going to start going east. East, and then it's going to go northeast and then eventually it's going to go north. So everything I'm saying right now, what I'm about to share is not like a one and done band aid. It is a process. But if you can start turning your brain every single day in a journal in the direction of just acknowledging and maybe like listing almost like a listicle. This is what I am doing. This is who I am being. This is what I'm like working towards. This is who I am becoming. Because here's the thing. Your brand is either positively anticipating your future, like faith, hope, belief, certainty, or you are negatively anticipating your future. Assuming failure, negatively anticipating your. Your future. Worry, dread, anxiety, all those things. It's happening either way. So it's just if all you do is turn that car on north every single day, that's the only way to change what's going on inside. So just literally on a piece of paper, I'm acknowledging myself for this. I'm grateful about myself for this, or I'm grateful for what I did here, past, present and future. And again, this is just the Cliff Notes version. It will change the game.
- [16:04]
Amy
What you think about, you bring about what you focus on. Girls, that's something from a meditation that I do and I hear the person's voice in my head. Several meditations I've done before say those things, but I kind of hear the voice and it's like what you think about, you bring about what you focus on grows. And there's such truth to that. Leanne, where can people find you if.
- [16:24]
Leanne Ellington
You want to learn how to kind of peel back the curtain of what's going on in your own brain, self image and spirit? Head on over to stressless eating.com and I've showed you the system that I teach my clients.
- [16:34]
Amy
And on social. She is at Leannellington. I got you, girl. And I am at Radio Amy. We'll see you next time for Part four. Next Saturday will be Part four. Bye bye.
- [16:52]
Martin Luther King III
Welcome to my legacy. I'm Martin Luther King iii and together with my wife, Andrea Waters King, and our dear friends Mark and Craig Kilburger, we explore the personal journeys that shape extraordinary lives.
- [17:04]
Jess Hilarious
Join us for heartfelt conversations with remarkable guests like David Oyelowo, Mel Robbins, Martin Sheen, Dr. Sanjay Gupta and Billy Porter.
- [17:14]
Leanne Ellington
Listen to my legacy on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. This is my legacy.
- [17:22]
Jess Hilarious
Yo, what up? It's your girl Jess. Hilarious. And I think it's time to acknowledge that I'm not just a comedian. It's time to add uncertified therapists to my credentials. Because each and every Wednesday I'm fixing your mess on Carefully Reckless on the Black Effect Podcast Network. Got problems in your relationship? Come to me. Your best friend acting shady? Come to me. Thought you was the father but you not come to me. I can't promise I won't judge you, but I can guarantee that I will help you. Listen to Carefully Reckless on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcast.
- [17:55]
Bobby Bones
Calling all Yellowstone fans, let's go to work. Join Bobby Bones on the official Yellowstone Podcast for exclusive cast interviews, behind the scenes insights and a deep dive into the themes that have made Yellowstone a cultural phenomenon. Dark family legacy is this ranch my protector of my life. Listen to the official Yellowstone Podcast now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
- [18:25]
Unknown
Black History Month is here and we're excited to kick off season four. If I didn't know, maybe you didn't either. This season we're shining a spotlight on revolutionary women who redefined excellence. Give Grace wisher her flowers next time you see the American flag. You just remember a 16 year old black woman helped to make it happen. Listen to I didn't know. Maybe you didn't either. From the Black Effect Podcast Network on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or simply wherever you get your podcast.