Perfect Timing

Summary

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly — "Perfect Timing"
May 27, 2026 · SiriusXM Faction Talk Channel

---

Episode Overview

In this typically wild and unfiltered episode of "The Bonfire," Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly, with regular sidekick Christine and producer Jacob, drift through equal parts raunchy humor and genuine confessions. The conversation centers around everything from preferred women’s underwear and nostalgia for early-2000s pop culture, to an extended, hilarious story about Jay’s failed attempt at becoming a ‘watch guy’— derailed by a rogue booger, of all things. The episode perfectly encapsulates the essence of "The Bonfire": friends ribbing each other, admitting their insecurities, satirizing pop culture, and, ultimately, finding the humor in the most ordinary moments.

---

Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Underwear Preferences, Fashion, and Early 2000s Pop

• Discussion starts [01:05] as Jay and Bobby riff on a video featuring "hot fat ass black chicks dancing," springboarding into a mock-sociological deep dive on underwear, tube socks, and what makes certain styles (like thongs or boy shorts) sexy or not.
  • Bobby: “A sexy pair of not thong underwear I prefer over thong underwear 100% of the time.” [01:20]
  • Christine recalls “whale tails,” and the low-rise fashion of the early 2000s. [03:17]
  • There’s playful confusion and debate about why thong and pantyhose even became a thing, with detours into modesty, hiding varicose veins, and absurd justifications.

Memorable Quotes

• Jay: “Whore back sluts... we started these bitches vote.” [03:06]
• Christine: “The thong’s for panty lines is what it’s for. But the problem is that you kinda see the thong panty line.” [06:31]

---

2. D.L. Hughley and Comic Wars

• [08:13] The infamous confrontation with D.L. Hughley comes up—a recent roast where Jay was mistakenly implicated in a controversy about race and “Nazis on stage.” Jay and Bobby dissect what was said, how it was said, and debate whether an apology is coming.
  • Bobby: “I said after I said all the hateful things I said about him, I did say afterwards, I am patiently waiting for his apology.” [08:33]
  • Jay: “I think through Dane Cook, all things are possible. I’ve always said all things are possible through Dane Cook, WWE, and Bobby...” [08:59]
  • There are jabs about showbiz pecking order, black comics not liking Christine, and the meaning of race in comedy lineups.

---

3. The Watch Saga: Class Anxiety, Luxury, and a Booger

At the Mall: The Watch Search

• Main Story Begins [12:02]: Jay, fresh off a high-profile roast (watched by 13.5 million people—“5% of those are black people!” [11:17]), decides to treat himself to a luxury watch at the “stuffy” Short Hills Mall.
• Jay and Christine narrate the mounting anxiety of luxury retail:
  • The staff’s forced hospitality (“Sit! Water! You want water!” [14:10])
  • The subtle feeling of not belonging, especially as Jay realizes mid-shopping that he literally has a booger stuck to his nose ring.
• The Defining Moment:
  • “In that moment, I lost any interest I’ve ever had in my life at all in getting an expensive watch...I’m not a Rolex guy. I’m a guy walking around the mall with a fuckin’ booger hanging off my fuckin’ nose ring.” — Jay [18:09]

Rolex vs. Breitling vs. Omega

• The crew debates which brands are truly worthy as “first luxury watches”:
  • Bobby/Kelly: “You're a Rolex guy.” [15:32]
  • Jacob: “I don’t understand this hard on for Rolex. Bobby is a rolly guy.” [31:29]
  • Christine: “It just seems like a high price tag for not a Rolex. I looked at the price tag and I go, no, no, no.” [30:16]
• The illusion of investment value, resale, and the performative nature of luxury watch retail is roasted mercilessly.
  • Robert: “Rolex does it that way because they want you to feel that...Keep—it’s just an illusion.” [21:23]
  • Jay: “I fell for this like a bitch.” [40:33]

Booger Kills the Dream

• The core of the story: the shame of the “mall booger” entirely dissolves Jay's desire for retail therapy or attempts at fitting in.
  • “A booger saved me...Last night a booger saved my life.” — Jay [35:47], [35:51]

---

4. Watch Nerd Corner & Celebrity Taste

• [32:31] and on:
  • The latest roast’s gaudy watch parade is recounted—Tom Brady’s $6.2 million watch, Kevin Hart’s $900k timepiece, pink Casios, “rainbow Rolexes” and Movado’s paltry $900 price tag.
• Bobby’s self-deprecating about his Movado: “13 times since I’ve had it...it's hit a brick wall. Why would you swing that that dangerously?” [35:51]
• Jacob warns: “You need armed security to walk around with these.” [36:18]
• The guys take delight in the absurdity of watch "flexing": Swatch/Omega collaborations, AP watches in plastic, and modern hype-fueled consumerism.
  • “It’s as corny an idea as somebody who makes $10 watches would do.” — Jay [38:50]

---

5. Rejection of Watch Culture, Final Philosophical Notes

• Jay embraces not being a “watch guy” after all. They lampoon luxury’s fake aura, and how most dudes justify purchases as “investments” to their wives.
  • Jay: “When’s the apocalypse coming and I’m gonna have to sell off my fucking watch?” [40:36]
  • Robert: “No, you probably shouldn’t be in a Rolex store.” [45:16]

---

6. Culture Club, Boy George & Raunchy Riffs

• The last act [49:39] features impromptu riffing on Vietnam, childhood acquaintances, mustard on pancakes, Boy George’s looks, and a very graphic digression into gay sex, ass-eating, and hygiene. It’s equal parts shock humor and 12-year-old-giggling.
  • Christine: “Guys have different sized keyholes.” [53:11]
  • Jay: “If I was gay...I would be the top but I'd suck the shit out of your asshole to get ready.” [52:32]

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Watch Shame:
  “A booger saved me... Last night a booger saved my life.” — Jay [35:47]
• On the Comedy Food Chain:
  “All things are possible through Dane Cook, WWE, and Bobby.” — Jay [08:59]
• On Retail Alienation:
  “I’m not a Rolex guy. I’m a fat booger face.” — Jay [31:17]
• On Fake Luxury Scarcity:
  “This watch right here I bought for, you know, retail. Now it’s four times the price. If I wanted to sell it right now, I could sell it and make three times or four times.” — Robert [41:43]
• On Childhood Calculators:
  “I like the calculator watch where the time is always boobless, buddy.” — Jay [42:28]
• On Gay Iconography:
  “You literally... You look like Boy George now.” — Robert [52:04]

---

Timestamps of Key Segments

• Underwear & Fashion Talk: [01:05]–[07:00]
• D.L. Hughley Story & Race in Comedy: [08:13]–[11:51]
• The Watch Search at Short Hills Mall: [12:02]–[20:21]
• Watches, Investment, and Retail Anxiety: [21:23]–[40:36]
• Jay Rejects Watch Guy Life: [41:43]–[46:09]
• Culture Club & Boy George Riffs: [49:39]–[54:16]

---

Tone and Closing

True to “The Bonfire” style, the episode toggles seamlessly between brash, hilariously self-aware, and bitingly honest. The big laugh is how a booger—a tiny, embarrassing detail—topples Jay’s moment of luxury ambition, but under the laughs is a universal anxiety about belonging, self-worth, and materialism. The final mood is a gleeful “fuck it,” as Jay throws off pretense and embraces his identity, booger, nose ring, and all.

---

Essential Takeaway:
This episode is a perfect snapshot of The Bonfire: high-level ballbusting, zero-filter confessions, and finding humor (and sometimes wisdom) in every uncomfortable moment.

Transcript

[Robert Kelly]

If you work in university maintenance, Grainger considers you an MVP because your playbook ensures your arena is always ready for tip off. And Grainger is your trusted partner, offering the products you need all in one place. From H VAC and plumbing supplies to lighting and more. And all delivered with plenty of time left on the clock. So your team always gets the win. Call 1-800-GRAINGER visit grainger.com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get it done.

[Bobby Kelly]

When I got a new car, I thought my insurance premium would increase and empty my bank account. Like if fatween won the lottery.

[Christine]

I've invested most of my winnings in chicken tenders because they're bomb. But bro, I bought a house and it's sick, bro. I'm thinking the floor is going to be all trampoline, bro.

[Robert Kelly]

With the helipad on the roof.

[Christine]

The contractor said it's structurally unsound, but

[Robert Kelly]

they're just being babies.

[Bobby Kelly]

But switching to GEICO saved me hundreds, so my bank account is safe. It feels good to save some hard earned cash. It feels good to geico. And now the bonfire with Big J

[Robert Kelly]

Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I love this video. Just like a weird future, post apocalyptic and then just in it. Just super hot fat ass black chicks dancing. It's so great.

[Robert Kelly]

I do like those tube socks that go all the way up to the thigh. That's hot.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm going to tell you something. A sexy pair of not thong underwear. I prefer over thong underwear 100 of the time.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't like thongs?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I'm with Jay. I'm not talking about granny. What girls will call granny panties now is batshit. It's like. No, those are actually, I think far sexier.

[Robert Kelly]

But what, what's the reason for it though?

[Jacob]

I. I like the cut of the other ones. I don't even know how to describe them. I don't know what the name is.

[Robert Kelly]

You like the cut of her jib?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bikini.

[Jacob]

Show it bikini.

[Bobby Kelly]

Or even boy shorts. Like type as well.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I know you like the boy shorts.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I like boys in them. Yeah, I like boys in shorts because

[Robert Kelly]

you like when they come on your face.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

All.

[Bobby Kelly]

Every pair of underwear here, from the front at least is way more attractive to me than even the biggest pair.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, what is it that makes you grossed out? Is it because it's up the asshole?

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not grossed out. It's just. Yeah, if it makes sense. It's almost that. It's not that it looks like uncomfortable one up the Bump two. It's what it's doing in there. Like it's an impossibility to be. Like if there's any kind of that material. It's like it's just really getting like twisted and crunched around your ass crack all day. It's strange. Strange thing.

[Robert Kelly]

And you wash them too. There's probably a little mustard smell on that little rope.

[Bobby Kelly]

Absolutely. Like the inside of a fucking Maryland crab, that mustard.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Wash your puss in the sink.

[Bobby Kelly]

By the way, these are girls in like thong ass models. So it's like of course that looks good. But I'm saying on the most basic level. See like I don't. I think it looks bad.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

But this girl's ass probably looks fine and attractive even in like regular underwear. Just some hanes or waves.

[Robert Kelly]

What is the. Where did the. The. The G string. Where is it? When would that. When did that become a thing?

[Bobby Kelly]

Whore back sluts. And we started these bitches vote really

[Christine]

wearing them in like late.

[Bobby Kelly]

As soon as it became illegal to rape your wife. I guess. I don't know when the changed because.

[Christine]

Do you remember in the early 2000s like whale tail was a thing? So you'd wear a thong and then your low riders and then you're hang out. I wouldn't because I was fat.

[Bobby Kelly]

But we didn't grow up in the barrio with Christine.

[Robert Kelly]

What's a whale tail?

[Bobby Kelly]

Come on.

[Christine]

The whale tail from the thong.

[Bobby Kelly]

When the thong comes out the top of the thing.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but yeah, I do like a nice boy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Boy shorts. Boy shorts have got to be worked with something though. But just regular underwear.

[Robert Kelly]

That chick had thigh high tube socks.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Which I was at a thing. I can't tell you where I want to date it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, it's an ambulance.

[Robert Kelly]

No, but she had him on backstage and she came over and just pulled down her shorties with those on.

[Bobby Kelly]

Was it Earth, Wind and fire in 77?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it was 70. It was actually 76. You want to tell us 76.

[Bobby Kelly]

This journey at the Acropolis. 72.

[Robert Kelly]

I like that. That's fucking smoking to me.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's another one. This girl. The thong on this girl points out that she doesn't have a fantastic ass. Where it's making it not look fantastic. Where this girl in regular underwear would look better. Am I right, Jacob? Thank you.

[Robert Kelly]

I believe you too.

[Bobby Kelly]

Thank you.

[Robert Kelly]

I like a nice diaper on a chick.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, I will say I like thong, but go back one. I will say I like thong better than I like whatever. When it's just. It's super high waisted. That's no good. I don't like that look.

[Robert Kelly]

No, that looks stupid.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's stupid. Yeah, just regular.

[Jacob]

But the underwear, a little cheek.

[Bobby Kelly]

The underwear that you could probably buy at a. At a CVS in a three pack of Hanes her ways.

[Robert Kelly]

One of those five and under.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sure.

[Robert Kelly]

It's five or another. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, maybe little characters on them.

[Robert Kelly]

Nobody likes the sock thing, huh? I mean, I, I mentioned it twice, but nobody was really on board with the sock thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

She just brought it up. We're talking. We're looking at it.

[Robert Kelly]

But you, you're into it. Do you like it?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Why do you feel shape. Why do you feel. Why do you feel shame about what's happened here?

[Christine]

I don't know.

[Robert Kelly]

I just.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know what happened?

[Robert Kelly]

I thought everybody.

[Bobby Kelly]

Was it a guy wearing them when you got into it?

[Robert Kelly]

No, that's not what I'm saying. I just thought.

[Bobby Kelly]

Does it remind you of looking up at your coach's big heaving body?

[Robert Kelly]

I said it, Jay.

[Bobby Kelly]

And there was no why you hate organized sports.

[Robert Kelly]

There was no really pop to it. I thought, you know, maybe you didn't. You're not into it. I thought there'd be more of a pop.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like I do want to all get horny together.

[Jacob]

Weirdo.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, dude. I do like that. Come on, dude. You guys hardening up too?

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is it cool if we all whack off if we don't. Don't look at each other, though. Don't make it about. Don't make it about each other.

[Robert Kelly]

Paco, turn the cameras off for five. Actually two seconds.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can we do a patreon, you think? If we all stand and like jerk under table but just keep looking and talking at each other like this.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. And at the end of the year, we can see who come the most on the. Underneath the table.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then at some point when Jacob's talking, he was like, you know, I have a little bone to pick with the show from 30 years ago. And I'm going to go, I'm out. And then we all one by one, leave the studio.

[Jacob]

What a shock. Christina just got to guys now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why is that a shock? She likes men.

[Robert Kelly]

Does she?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't even know. I have no idea.

[Robert Kelly]

Does she? Yeah. I agree with you. The thong thing is Don used to be all thong and now she's in the last. She's all boy, boy shorts. The boy, which I like a lot better.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's almost that to say thong has to be reserved. The thong became a thing for a while and it should be reserved for elite asses.

[Christine]

Yeah, well, the thong is supposed to be. The thong's for panty lines is what it's for.

[Robert Kelly]

What is it for?

[Christine]

It's to not show panty lines. That's the idea of it. But the problem is that you kind of see the thong panty line.

[Bobby Kelly]

You can see the thong panty line for one. You see that little weird like triangle. But here's the thing. They also make. Don't they make underwear that's just like. It's so flat that it's like seamless? Like underwear?

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Now, what were pantyhose for?

[Bobby Kelly]

Your mother?

[Robert Kelly]

Legs. Your mother so you don't bear legs.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. So your mother could find you a father.

[Robert Kelly]

So my father and then my father could rob a bank.

[Bobby Kelly]

Then your father could successfully rob a bank with one friend.

[Robert Kelly]

No, but what is it? What was it for? What a pantyhose for? To hide your legs.

[Christine]

Cover your legs.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Why would you want to cover your legs?

[Christine]

I think just modesty. And then also, I don't know, probably hide varicose veins.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now I was going to say, I think a lot of it is also because they were always. You saw, they're like nude color or tan. I think it was. It was like the spray tan of pants, you know, I think it was. I think it was to make the color. And then, and then people got carried away with it and then started getting like, hey, why is this white lady have borderline brown calves?

[Robert Kelly]

Well, don't forget they were actually used in comedy back in the 90s. Oh yeah, yeah, in Philly.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, those are tights.

[Robert Kelly]

Sorry.

[Christine]

Same, same diff.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it's not the same word.

[Robert Kelly]

Very close.

[Bobby Kelly]

I thought maybe a girl would know that. You bull dyke. That's not true. Got to teach Pristine about underwear and this.

[Christine]

Now you can have nude tights.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, you guys are so jealous that black people never liked you.

[Robert Kelly]

They never liked you until last week. And some of them still hate you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. D.L. hugh seems like not a fan.

[Robert Kelly]

D. D.L Hughley's not a fan. I mean, Hughley.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know I've had to be. I was wrong on that. Somehow I had Hughley. Hugh. Because it's H u G H. It's Hughley.

[Jacob]

Hughley.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, we did. It is Hughley. Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Hughley. DL Hughley.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's weird to me. Seems strange.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's the only time that word uses the G sound. Hugh is Hugh. No one's called Huga. This is my father, Hugo. But yeah, fuck him. Well, for now I did Say after I said all the hateful things I said about him, I did say afterwards. I am patiently waiting for his apology.

[Robert Kelly]

You think he's gonna call you and apologize?

[Bobby Kelly]

I do. I believe he's a big man.

[Robert Kelly]

Through Dane Cook.

[Bobby Kelly]

I believe. I think through Dane Cook, all things are possible. I've always said that. No, I've been. That's been me since day one. I've always said all things are possible. Through Dane Cook, WWE and Bobby. You know what, though? Good, good point to mention that people will hear it on Thursday. My Dane Cook interaction more. But it is. By the way, you do know me well enough to know that it is D.L. hughley being like, man, I misspoke and I did the thing wrong. And my editor shouldn't have put you up after. We're talking about people being Nazis and the problems is going to be.

[Robert Kelly]

He actually said if you watch the video again, he was talking.

[Christine]

He.

[Robert Kelly]

He was talking about one guy. Was. No, he didn't say guys.

[Bobby Kelly]

He said, no, no, no, no.

[Robert Kelly]

One guy. He said that one guy. I would never catch me on stage with that guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

No. And he says, and I saw. He goes, and I saw for. It's like a black roast. He goes, and I see this and I see this lineup of guys, and I'm. It's like putting me up there and saying, it's me, Tony and Shane. He's like saying like, these guys are just like, fuck you, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

I talked to DL he's not gonna apologize.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't think he is either. But again, that's not.

[Robert Kelly]

Me and him were hat shopping yesterday again.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's just done any research into the situations would have been a thing. It's like, no, I'm there very specifically because I started comedy with Kev. That's literally the reason I was there.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, and wait, don't forget the main part. You're hilarious.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sure. That's subjective. I'm just saying there's a rational. It wasn't just, like. It wasn't just like, bring in one of the most popular white comics now to do a thing. I'm not a. One of the most popular white comics at all. So it's, like, gonna be. To bring. To bring. So I don't know. It was a weird thing to kind of, like, as I said, just for a comic, to me, it's a comic. That's what got me a little, like, annoyed at the whole thing. I'm like, dude, you're a comic and you're calling other people Nazis. You. I do want to Have a conversation, though. So we sit in each other and do pontification. Malcolm X faces at each other.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll give you a little.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, brother.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm going to give a little. That roast you did was the number one global show. And guess how many viewers it had.

[Bobby Kelly]

200,000. I'm going to guess somewhere. 13 something million.

[Robert Kelly]

13.5 million people watched. Watched you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

On that roast.

[Bobby Kelly]

I wish I remember the five. I saw this outside already.

[Robert Kelly]

Only. Only 5% of them.

[Bobby Kelly]

What have I been like? Let me guess. I'm trying to do some things. Was shown here, then they showed international. 13.5.

[Robert Kelly]

That's it. You hit it. You nailed it.

[Bobby Kelly]

13.5.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, and 5% of those are black people.

[Christine]

That was just lies.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, half of them are black people. But it's the dial back of the percentage of person if we're judging by. I just watch Django. All my references to black people right now. About Django. Yes. I wanted to tell you something that happened this week that maybe DL Hughes right about me. Maybe I am true, not a Nazi, but maybe I'm just some, ugh, white boy piece of shit, because.

[Robert Kelly]

No, you are. Yeah, but you're actually very funny.

[Bobby Kelly]

But also. But also not a Nazi.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. You're Philly trash. 100% right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well,

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, he's right about a lot of the things. Except the Nazi.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I. I went. I thought to myself, I'm gonna go.

[Robert Kelly]

That's not me, by the way. That's Christine.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. The other day I was like, I got back from the roast, it was done. I go, I'm going to the mall. Like the nice mall out by me?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Oh, you got a really nice mall.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You have a mall that they have to have secure, like real, legitimate Navy SEAL security at?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, Yeah. I watched this thing about the other day, and it was like, security will. He goes, you have to get used to this place. If you don't look like you belong there, security will follow you around a store looking at you. And if you do not belong there, they will remove you pretty quick.

[Robert Kelly]

They actually had a rule at that mall that you had 16 or under, you couldn't be there unless you were accompanied by an adult because.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that makes sense.

[Robert Kelly]

What was happening. It's such a high end mall.

[Bobby Kelly]

Human trafficking.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no. So what was happening is. What did you do?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Robert Kelly]

Six more. Okay. The. They were. They were purchasing things and then people were robbing the people on the way out, grabbing their bags and just.

[Bobby Kelly]

Damn, it's A good move.

[Robert Kelly]

So, yeah, because he had so much security, they just wait. So now they have security. That's. That's a high end mall, man. Really good mall.

[Bobby Kelly]

I said, I'm gonna go, maybe I'm gonna do it today. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna get myself a watch.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

My agent. My agent was like, like, up my ass about it like all week. When I'd see him, he's like, because you're gonna get it before. He's trying to get me to get one before. And he's like, when you die, goes, you're gonna take some of that money, though, and you're gonna get yourself. You're gonna get that watch. You're gonna get a watch. You're like, the watch. It's gonna be your watch now.

[Robert Kelly]

You know your agent, manager did.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, I went. My agent, for sure. My manager's not really his ds, but like, we got to the mall and man, I went to the first one I went to was Breitling, just walked by at first.

[Robert Kelly]

Nice watch, mid level. That's like a first watch guy. Really nice stuff. I have one, but not for you. Not where you're at. That they had one was back in

[Bobby Kelly]

the day, they had one with like a real diamond bezel.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And stuff. It was a little. Kind of flashy that I would like. And I kind of looked at that. But I really was just kind of. I was like, I'm gonna go into all the watch stores and look around.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And see what I like. I don't realize, like, when it's those kind of stores. Like when you go in, you've made a little bit of. Unless you're ready to walk right back out, you've made a little bit of a commitment and it feels like too much. And I know it's done on. That's why they do it. But right away it's like, sit, please. Water. You want what? You definitely want water, right? You're walking around the most, get you water. And then they bring over the things they want to show and you sit there and they're. It felt like so much for something where I was like, I don't think I like any of these that much.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, I mean, like, I wish we were stuck. You wouldn't keep bringing up more and sitting me down. So I was like, all right, man, we'll, you know, catch you later or whatever. And circle back around.

[Robert Kelly]

You feel. You feel guilty that you didn't buy one because there's. They treat you like such Royalty when you come in that you're like, fuck, I should just get one. Because I don't want them to think. I don't want them to treat me or think of me the way they first thought of me when they saw me come in. Right?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I feel like they felt exactly the same about me as when I walked in, as when I left over at Breitling and then walked a little further up, saw the Rolex store, and I was like. And right next to the Rolex store is the Omega store. They're right next to each other.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I was like, you know what? It's gonna be one of these two. I mean, these are the big dogs right now.

[Robert Kelly]

Well.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, not. You know, as far as you're gonna get in that scenario.

[Robert Kelly]

You're not an Omega guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Maybe not.

[Robert Kelly]

You're not.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

Omega is like a Louis ck. I have an Omega. It's like a Jacob watch.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah, I know what you mean. Now I got you.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you're. You're. Dude, you're a. You're a Rolex guy.

[Christine]

They were opening.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that must be. That must be what it is. I see over there.

[Jacob]

I don't even want a rolly.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, you can't, because it wouldn't look good on you.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're not allowed, Bobby.

[Christine]

This is the diamonds now.

[Robert Kelly]

Now, see that Breitling right there? The problem with that, Breitling, is that it does. They don't. They don't hold the value.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sure.

[Robert Kelly]

So that's. I have. I have a Breitling, and it's worth probably just a little bit more than when I bought it 10, 15 years

[Bobby Kelly]

ago, in case you have to sell to go on the Oregon Trail.

[Robert Kelly]

Can I say something, though? That watch would look sick on you. That watch that you're showing me, it's a black dial with the diamond bezel with a Breitling official leather band. Yeah, that. That looks sick.

[Bobby Kelly]

The band is very neat, too, because it's a clip. It's a. It's the one that opens.

[Robert Kelly]

It's called the deployment band. Deployment. You click it open.

[Bobby Kelly]

It does. But. Say it. Yeah, it doesn't. It doesn't, like, come off. But it's still. But you still have to do the.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, the little.

[Bobby Kelly]

You still have to do the hook and loop thing still.

[Robert Kelly]

But that's.

[Bobby Kelly]

But. But when you unhook it and loop it, it never opens all the way.

[Robert Kelly]

It's attached by. Yeah, it's a deployment pre.

[Bobby Kelly]

Neat.

[Jacob]

Deployment clasp is what it is.

[Robert Kelly]

Look.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Hang on a Second.

[Bobby Kelly]

Thanks, Jacob.

[Robert Kelly]

Can you heat up my body brand so I can pour it on Jacob's face? Because it's not hot enough. I don't think he'll learn.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do it with your breath. Heat it up with your piss.

[Jacob]

That Breitling is a great watch.

[Robert Kelly]

Can I say something? That Breitling right there, dude, that. That. That Breitling. Because I love Breitling. I do. Because it's such a big watch. And it's. They're. They're not expensive. It's a good watch.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's pretty expensive.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, it's not. If that was. If that was a Rolex, it would be way more sure. You know, and it's steel, right? It's not a precious metal.

[Bobby Kelly]

Buddy, we're wasting our time down here. Talking about the Breitling store. I going up the escalator, and I'm like, oh, look at that. The Mega's right next to the Rolex store. He goes, all right, one of these two stores for sure. And then as I turn the corner, Christine goes, you got a bug? And I went, what? And she goes, you got a bug? And by the way, there's a. We're standing, like, kind of like. What's around the corner is the. It's like a red. What do you call that? A velvet rope?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, for the Rolex.

[Bobby Kelly]

They don't let you just. You can't just walk into the store.

[Robert Kelly]

They have a guard up front. You have to wait until a person is available to treat you the way you're supposed to be treated.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have a bug. So I go, oh, no, listen. She did the right thing.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, of course.

[Bobby Kelly]

I went.

[Robert Kelly]

Would have been hilarious.

[Bobby Kelly]

I go, oh, shit. And I was like, the. No, it's still there.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Jacob]

You did the entire Breitling thing with a bug in your nose and just let it happen?

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

No idea. I don't know.

[Robert Kelly]

That's okay, Brightling.

[Bobby Kelly]

But I go, no, it was like

[Christine]

his nose ring turned or something, whatever it was.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then she goes, you know, it's like on the nose ring.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm gonna throw up.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's like, on it.

[Robert Kelly]

And I go like a stalactite.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm just going. I'm like, what is this? And then I go, can I have anything? She had a tissue. She gives me a tissue. Now I'm hurting myself because, like, I'm squeezing on, like, my nose rings so much. I'm trying to get whatever. She's like, well, you just gotta. Just gotta kind of grab it, like, pull again. And I Go. There's not even a fucking bathroom here for me to walk in the bathroom. Where's the closest fucking bathroom? And then we're walking around and then I just go, I'm leaving. What happened completely to me was in there. I'll tell you what happened was I'm not a Rolex guy. I'm not a fancy watch guy. I'm a guy walking around the mall with a fucking booger hanging off his fucking nose ring. So in that moment, I lost any interest I've ever had in my life at all in getting an expensive watch

[Robert Kelly]

because of a booger.

[Christine]

No, Bobby. I knew. I said. I go, you don't want to do anything else? He goes, no. I go, you know what? There's some split spoons I want to grab at Crate and Barrel. If I can just grab them. And I got my spoons and we left.

[Robert Kelly]

That is. Dude, you were right there. You were at the door with a booger shut down. Just go, that's so.

[Bobby Kelly]

I wasn't shitty nothing but just shut down. I didn't have a meltdown or anything.

[Christine]

Nothing.

[Robert Kelly]

But why couldn't you go get the booger out? So why couldn't you go in? What was stopping.

[Bobby Kelly]

Because right before I walked in there, that's what I was. I'm like, I'm wearing shitty clothes. I don't think I took a shower yet even. I just went to the place and I was like, oh, no. I'm this outside of the Rolex store with a booger in my fucking nose. Well, sitting in there to do what? To go be something I'm not. Wear watch that isn't me.

[Christine]

But you're acting like. You're acting like people don't work at the fucking mall. Like, who are you, buddy?

[Bobby Kelly]

You're trivializing. It's not. It's got nothing to do with the people at the. It's got nothing to do with that, buddy. So it's me. It was perfect timing.

[Robert Kelly]

It is not you. This is the attitude you need to change. Do I need to read 3? 13.5 million people watched you kill it on the number one show. Not in America. In the world. Well, you killed it.

[Bobby Kelly]

No. 13.499-9999. DL Hughley watch did not enjoy it.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, so 13.9999 show in the world. And you're a little bit of a Nazi. A little bit.

[Bobby Kelly]

I gotta walk off as I'm a little bit of a Nazi after that? What do you think?

[Robert Kelly]

They don't get watches.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, looks better than Getting molested to be in Hollywood, I guess, right?

[Jacob]

They dress nice.

[Christine]

I do have to say that Short Hills and I'd only been there one other time. It is one of the stuffiest malls. I mean it has to be one of the stuffiest malls in the world. And we didn't even get inside. Like the people at Breitling were very nice. We didn't even get inside the Rolex store. But I thought that like Fifth Avenue was just more comfortable because they're used to so many people just kind of coming in, looking around it being touristy like this was like, I don't know. That mall is a bit uncomfortable.

[Robert Kelly]

No, they make it that way. Rolex does it that way because they want you to feel that they want to keep. It's just an illusion. Believe me, I used to feel the same way. When I was first buying my Rolex, I was scared to go in and then when I went on the time I went in for the first time, they tried to do all. I was like, I was just looking and I ran out. Now I want. Anytime I see a Rolex door, I walk the fucking. Granted, I'm wearing, I'm wearing one of three. I mean this is the Pepsi, probably the most sought after Rolex is in the fucking world right now. Available now it's not available. But you know, watch. Well, what are you going to do for a fuck a house?

[Christine]

What's so funny about this is that like there's no one in the store. It wasn't busy, everybody was free. They just still had the velvet rope because they, they.

[Robert Kelly]

This is what Rolex does. And I love Rolex, but it's all. I would have fucking bought that Breitling, your first watch should not be something fucking outrageous. That Breitling looked amazing on you.

[Christine]

It was outrageous. It was. That's the thing. I looked at the price tag on it and I go, no, no, no,

[Robert Kelly]

you tell me how much was.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just tell me what 20, which watch?

[Robert Kelly]

You know what the price of the diamond. It's just, it's the diamonds but it's not an investment.

[Christine]

I'm like, why would you get a non investment here?

[Robert Kelly]

The thing there. Why it's an investment. The diamonds on it. The bezel itself is never going to lose value. Those are actually cut. Those are diamonds from Breitling. Like when you get diamonds put like a lot of people get a watch. What?

[Bobby Kelly]

Nothing.

[Robert Kelly]

What do you mean nothing? You're making hand gestures.

[Jacob]

I wasn't, I shook my hand because it.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, when you make hand gestures, we Freeze.

[Jacob]

God. You too.

[Robert Kelly]

That has nothing to do with Jay off. It's not Jay off. That's me. What the.

[Jacob]

Off with joy. I'm saying please don't make a thing out of this.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, are you making a. Having a heart attack?

[Jacob]

I have. I didn't realize this is going to distract you.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, because when you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jake, you choose to sit directly in eyeline.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob. Really?

[Jacob]

You both went like this. I saw your eyeballs go like a Terminator.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob. Jacob, can I say something in my defense? And I guess Jay's. Even though he had nothing to do with this. When you make hand gestures, my friend, it usually means we're in trouble or

[Bobby Kelly]

it's time to break or something.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, it's time to break or we're saying something we shouldn't have and you know. You know what I'm saying.

[Jacob]

Talking watches. I'm enjoying the conversation, Jacob.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now wait a second. Also, you're watching.

[Jacob]

I apologize.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, of course. But look at Bobby real quick. You can see me, right? You can see me. No, look at Bobby. Look at Bobby. Okay, you can see me, right?

[Jacob]

But this is. This really freaked you out, going like this.

[Bobby Kelly]

No one. I never said I was freaked out.

[Robert Kelly]

No, he said nothing. It was all me.

[Jacob]

Because he looked.

[Robert Kelly]

He turned. Because I said your name.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I saw it too. Bobby just chose to yell at you first.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I didn't yell at him. I thought what were we doing? And you were doing this weird pumping motion.

[Bobby Kelly]

Off. Off.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, anyways, it gets a bit much. So anyways, are you telling me to off or Jacob?

[Bobby Kelly]

I was playing Jacob in the.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah, okay, great.

[Bobby Kelly]

Off.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay,

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob.

[Robert Kelly]

Really gotta shake that one off.

[Bobby Kelly]

These guys don't do jitsu training or something.

[Robert Kelly]

This means wrap it up. Shut up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Anyways, ever noticed that keeping the same workouts and eating habits doesn't always deliver the same results over time, especially around energy and body composition. As you get older, many men experience changes in testosterone which influence how the body stores fat and maintains muscle. Mars Men is a natural supplement designed to support healthy testosterone levels and overall wellness. Using ingredients like Tongkat Ali, shilijit, zinc and boron. It's formulated without synthetic hormones and is made in the USA with third party testing. Some users report steadier energy, improved focus and better workout performance when combined with consistent habits. Plus, it comes with a 90 day money back guarantee. For a limited time. Our listeners can get 50% off for life plus free shipping and three free gifts@ Mengotomars.com that's Mengotomars.com for 50% off and three free gifts when you check out. And it's also available on Amazon. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them or please support our show and tell them that our show sent you. These days, a free offer doesn't stay free for long. The hidden fee starts stacking up. Service fees, activation fees. Next thing you know, it's not free at all. But at Metro by T Mobile, you can get the new Samsung Galaxy a 17.5G phone free and save with no activation fees. That's about $250 back in your pocket. What could you do with that? So many things. You could buy junk food or video games or maybe go buy a ticket to the theater. They say the theater is dying. Help them out. You got 250 extra dollars in your pocket. Get that more for your money feeling only at Metro. What are you waiting for? Find your local store. Just bring your number and sign up for the $40 period. Plan savings based on device discount and waived activation fee. Not available. If you were with Metro or T Mobile in the past 180 days, we all do it.

[Robert Kelly]

You have a night for yourself, but don't like the sound of the silence, so you turn on the TV just for the ambiance.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a little trick that helps you feel like you've got company and aren't alone. And other insurers, well, they may make

[Robert Kelly]

you feel alone, but when you switch to Geico, you've got claims reps available around the clock, so whenever you need,

[Bobby Kelly]

you'll have people around to help.

[Robert Kelly]

And let's turn on the washing machine

[Bobby Kelly]

just for good measure.

[Robert Kelly]

Isn't that soothing?

[Bobby Kelly]

It feels good to have support.

[Robert Kelly]

It feels good to Geico. If you're trying to be more intentional about what you wear day to day, Quints can help with that. They've got pieces that feel easy, comfortable and still put together. The fabric feels elevated and the fits are clean. Think 100% European. Linen shorts and shirts from $34, lightweight, breathable and comfortable. Everything is priced 50 to 80% less than what you would find at similar brands. Quince works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middleman, so you're getting premium material without the markup. You know what? When we first got quints on, I was like, I don't know if I'm going to look good in this stuff. I got my Quince gear, my jacket, my shirts, the pants. They're amazing. They fit great, but most of all they feel great. I love everything I've gotten from Quince and you will too refresh your everyday with luxury. You'll actually use head to quince.combonfire for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q U I n c-e.com bonfire for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com bonfire One out of five Americans have learned a new language on their bucket list. If that's you, make 2026 the year you finally check it off with Babbel, the language app that makes grammar fun and is actually worth your time. They understand that people learn differently so you can dive into a podcast when you don't quite feel like a quick lesson. You can speak out loud to get that practice in and even create your own customized review list all within the app. I've been trying to learn Spanish for over a year now and I've tried other things and this babble just seems to work for me. It's so easy to use. I turn the app on, it has reminders. It just keeps me focused. Every day I try a little bit. Sometimes I actually go a little further and I try new functions on the app and sometimes I just learn basic words. It works. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners Right now you get up to 60% off your Babel subscription at babbel.com forward/bonfire get up to 60% off at babbel.com bonfire spelled B A B-B-E-L.com bonfire rules and restrictions may apply.

[Bobby Kelly]

The GLP1 pill you've been waiting for is now on ROE. Yep, it's finally here with the same clinically proven ingredient now in a pill. And now on Roe. It's the first FDA approved GLP1 pill for weight loss at the lowest price available. That's one daily GLP1 pill for big results now on Roe. Go to Roe Co Listen to see if you qualify RX only go to ROE Co Safety for serious side effects and box warning associated with GLP1s.

[Robert Kelly]

That watch right there, I don't even know where it was now but that watch right there, that would hold the value those diamonds because when, when not to bore the audience with watch talk but when they put diamonds in at the they're called factory diamonds. They're fucking great diamonds. They're from the factory. It's not like when like cardi b got a watch, an AP and she, she put diamonds all over it. Those diamonds aren't really worth as much as factory diamonds. You know what I'M saying because the diamonds that Breitling gets or Rolex gets are better quality diamonds.

[Bobby Kelly]

But I'll tell you what, I don't

[Christine]

even think Jay saw it. And it just seems like a high price tag for not a Rolex or.

[Bobby Kelly]

I thought it was going to be like a price.

[Robert Kelly]

I get. I get you, but. I get you. But that watch is sick. But you, you should get. You should. My, my. Can I say something? My watch person is in town tonight. Yeah, she's coming to the Pussycat Lounge. If.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

If you would like to meet her.

[Bobby Kelly]

Trying to get me on your show.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm trying to get you on the show.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm driving down the. Christine said she's gonna go home and swim, so I'm not doing that.

[Robert Kelly]

If you want to come down and do a little spotty wadi and meet my. My girl.

[Bobby Kelly]

Your girly whirly.

[Robert Kelly]

My girly whirly. She can find that watch that you want at the price you want at retail. And you can get the. Your watch should be the watch that you want, not the watch that you settle for. Not the watch that you're gonna get because it's easy. Not the watch you should get the one that you want. And we all know the one you want.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't want one at all.

[Robert Kelly]

What the.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm a fat booger face. And that's why

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not going to disagree with you.

[Christine]

It looks so good on you though, that watch. I said no purchases. I go, well, we have to call Bobby.

[Jacob]

I don't understand this hard on for Rolex. Bobby is a rolly guy.

[Robert Kelly]

But I think that I have an Omega.

[Jacob]

Yeah, but you put Rolex like their. Their shit doesn't sting.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I get. I did not say that they. The illusion. I literally just said the illusion that they put up is all bullshit. It's all bullshit. The only reason why I get Rolex because it's an investment piece. It's an investment you can enjoy. But I have an Omega. I have a French watch from Paris. I buy watches. I have a. I'm gonna buy a German watch. I like watches. I have all kinds of watch. I have a swatch Mars watch, 30

[Jacob]

bucks piece I think that says Big J the one he picked out. I thought actually he found the one

[Robert Kelly]

that I agree with saying the same thing. It's amazing watch. And it's not about. It's not about.

[Bobby Kelly]

I Irish goodbyed them.

[Robert Kelly]

It's about you wearing it now and Christine having something later to sell.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I fought and I farted. In the display case before they closed it.

[Christine]

I did give her my info. I gave her like my email. They don't use, but I gave her.

[Robert Kelly]

That's a sick watch.

[Jacob]

This watch goes with you, Jay.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you see, like I told you, the guy the day after the roast. I think I sent some. So we had 6 million on Brady's. 6.2 million. Brady's watches were 6.2 million. Kevin's was worth. He had two. One was worth. I think nine. One was worth.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, gives were more.

[Robert Kelly]

No, Brady's was way not nine million. 900,000. Oh, 900,000 Brady's watches. Six point something million.

[Bobby Kelly]

One other person was over a million. Somebody else was over a million. It might have been Serena Williams or something.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, they had. There were. Yeah, there was a lot of crazy watches there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like the rainbow.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a rainbow Rolex.

[Christine]

Her and Meek Mill roar. The same exact one, except it's a rainbow.

[Robert Kelly]

You know that one that first came out. Nobody wanted it. That watch came out. There it is right there. Nobody wanted. That's a. I think that's a Patek. A Patek, right? Or is it ap?

[Bobby Kelly]

I like that with the see through.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that's. That's Kev's watch right there, I believe. Yeah, that one.

[Bobby Kelly]

One in the middle. Yeah, that was ugly as shit.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that was his wife. That's worth a lot of money, man.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's stupid looking.

[Robert Kelly]

I look good on him.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did anybody tell him that it was stupid looking.

[Robert Kelly]

That one's. That one's worth a lot of money too.

[Bobby Kelly]

Really?

[Robert Kelly]

Yep. Yeah, he's in now. That's like fucking.

[Bobby Kelly]

Looks like things old ladies wear to go out to a nice afternoon dinner.

[Robert Kelly]

Look at. Look at Brady's watch. Go back to Brady's watch though. That's sick.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, dude, I like to. I like to wear jewelry like black chicks.

[Robert Kelly]

That's a nice watch. I would rock six point.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude. I got the style of Serena Williams.

[Robert Kelly]

You do.

[Bobby Kelly]

We both got fucking fat thumpers.

[Robert Kelly]

That's right. And you're accepted by her now you

[Bobby Kelly]

need a lot of ice up front. Take care of this wagon. I'm pulling in the back.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob and company. The rocks. Jacob and company. That one's nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sure.

[Robert Kelly]

That's a day date. And Shane. Shane has this. That's a. That's the watch I have.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's his. What do they say? His cost.

[Robert Kelly]

His is only. That's $10,000.

[Bobby Kelly]

Shane's.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, the Rolex still nice though. It's worth. It's worth 16, 17,000.

[Bobby Kelly]

And Bert and that was so much. And my what? My watch didn't make then even no one talked about it. Huh.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, you didn't have. What did you have on movado? Oh, God.

[Bobby Kelly]

1200 smackers. Yeah, it didn't make mark down to 900.

[Christine]

Yeah, it was a good deal.

[Robert Kelly]

No, but I thought you didn't wear a watch. I didn't know that they didn't put your watch in there. Maybe they did.

[Bobby Kelly]

I wore my Movado.

[Robert Kelly]

Maybe they did. Maybe go.

[Bobby Kelly]

Listen, they've already gotten a Bert who wasn't on the roast, so I assume they're not going to show.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, the next guys. Who's the next guy?

[Bobby Kelly]

Jimmy Oyang.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, is he not on it?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know. Paco, call him.

[Robert Kelly]

That's a Patek. That's. That's. That's the Batman. That's. Yeah, that's a nice watch right there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Rolex.

[Robert Kelly]

That's. Yeah, that's the Daytona.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll tell you what none of these people have in any of these pictures, a booger hanging off their nose.

[Christine]

They all have had boogers, though.

[Robert Kelly]

Wait a minute. Jay's not in any of these?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no.

[Christine]

They showed Eric Andre's Casio there.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, Casio. Pink Casio. And they didn't show you Movado. No, because you didn't show it.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's why you think these people are showing it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you can see it on their wrist. You have to see it. You have to see it.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's Kev's bodyguard. Kevin's bodyguard made it before me. That's pretty fucking hilarious.

[Christine]

That's so funny.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, if you got that watch, you. They would have popped it off, baby. I can't believe a booger stopped you.

[Bobby Kelly]

A booger saved me.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, I guess it's the way you look at it.

[Bobby Kelly]

That is how I will always look at it. A booger saved my. Last night. A booger saved my life. A booger saved my life. How stupid is to own something that expensive that you wear in your wrist? Can I tell you something about my 1200 mark down to 900 Movado. 13 times since I've had it and I've worn it about 20 times. It's hit a brick wall when I put my arm around someone or it's hit all these. I'm like, get the out of here. Why would you swing that that dangerously? Like, to damage.

[Jacob]

You need armed security to walk around with these also.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know if you know this dude. My people wait outside of clubs for Me, they're going to jump my ass.

[Robert Kelly]

Nobody's going to jump you. You see my eyes can't even jump.

[Bobby Kelly]

I did. I keep it in the streets. I know they can't jump, but eventually have to come down to them.

[Jacob]

I watched a couple of videos of these guys that they're so happy with the multimillion dollar watch they. They're wearing that they posted on Instagram where they are and guys just followed them and jumped them in the parking garage.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's videos of it. That would be great.

[Robert Kelly]

The whole watch thing. Now the whole watch thing is stupid. I agree with you. I agree that it's all bullshit. They just had the AP did a collab with Swatch Omega a couple years ago. Swatch Swatch Omega, own Swatch. And a couple years ago Omega Speedmaster did a collab with Swatch. So they made a Swatch version of the Speedmaster and now they just did an AP one. And it's a $300 watch. It's an AP, which is very expensive, but in a Swatch, rubber plastic casing. They had to shut down malls, the lines for these things over the weekend, I don't know if you saw it, the cops were just macing crowds. This weekend, this last weekend, it came out pandemonium. It was literally all over the country in the world. I think it was pandemonium. People were sleeping out for four days to get this watch because they bought it for three hundred bucks and they were immediately selling it for ten thousand dollars because you can't get it.

[Jacob]

It was not a three hundred dollar piece of plastic.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's just like a thousand Asian people.

[Robert Kelly]

No, dude, here. No, it was here. It was New York City. The cops were.

[Bobby Kelly]

Macy, there's plenty of Asian people here.

[Robert Kelly]

They weren't Asian.

[Jacob]

It was crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I'm saying it was all over the. But I'm saying what didn't seem to be like a bunch of like goofy white people or a bunch of Asian people or all black people. It was all over the place.

[Robert Kelly]

It was all over the place. And it was. And it's not even a watch. It's actually. It's a pocket watch.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow, stupid.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. So it's retarded to buy because now in six months you'll be able to get one for 300 bucks.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I'll tell you the thing. I feel like none of these people. That Speedmaster is the coolest. The all black thing like that.

[Robert Kelly]

But yeah, that's the. That's the one. Yeah, that. That one's a hard one. To get. But that's the dark side of the moon one they came out with. I got Mars, which is red and white. Yeah. They had all. They did all the planets, but the ap. The AP was. It's AP Swatch.

[Bobby Kelly]

They did all the plants. I'm saying that's as corny as an idea, though, that somebody who makes $10 watches would do.

[Robert Kelly]

But if you like watches, it's cool to have a Speedy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think it's ridiculous that even when I was in. When I was walking around Breitling. When I was walking around Breitling.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I thought it was ridiculous where it was like this watch and this one and this kind with this band and the titanium and the. And the craftsmanship and the timepiece. And then it's like. And if you want, you can get it with the Kansas City Chiefs logo in the middle.

[Robert Kelly]

That's bright.

[Bobby Kelly]

What the.

[Robert Kelly]

That's Breitling.

[Bobby Kelly]

I bet there's Rolexes. There's one with eagles.

[Robert Kelly]

No, there's one with the dominoes. But that. It's all. It's all. It is all illusion they create.

[Bobby Kelly]

But I'm saying it's nothing.

[Robert Kelly]

It's all illusion. But when you're talking about an investment piece. Right, A Rolex is an investment piece. It is. It just goes up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Everyone, let me tell you, you've sent me on a lot of good paths in life, and you've been a really good. I'm saying you've been a really good friend. I am advisor in many ways, a shoulder to lean on and give me good advice.

[Robert Kelly]

Until Dan Cook shows up.

[Bobby Kelly]

But yes, until Dane showed up, things are a little different. Sure. But besides that, you get everybody who I regurgitate. Your, like, why I have to. Yeah. I should probably do a Rolex, though, because, you know, like Bobby says, like, they. You know, they hold their value and their value goes up where a lot of the other ones lose value or they don't even maintain their value or barely do. And they go, oh, man. Yeah, that's just the thing that the guys say to their chicks so they fucking don't bitch too much when they buy it. And I go, yeah, it makes complete sense. No, I've been falling for this whole fucking line like a bitch.

[Robert Kelly]

It's not.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, I fell for this like a bitch.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, no, it's an investment.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it's not. But when's. Why what's coming? When's the apocalypse coming and I'm have to sell off my fucking wallet?

[Robert Kelly]

Can I be honest with you? Can I Be honest with you. It's a little of that.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's mostly that.

[Robert Kelly]

It's not, it's not. You know why people get Rolexes? A lot of people bought Rolexes to impress black people. No. Because when they would get a precious metal Rolex like a platinum or a gold or a white gold, so that if they were ever anywhere in the world and they needed to get cash, they could sell the watch, the actual gold of the watch, and get cash, a lot of people got into it. That, that's how it kind of started. But as it went on, Rolex, like Nike or any other brand will make a certain version. Nike does the same thing where they'll make this sneaker and you'll never get it again. So they, they, they caused this, like this watch. They're not making it anymore. So you can't get a brand new Pepsi. Any Pepsi that's out there is the ones that are out there. So they create this panic that people get, which makes it. This watch right here I bought for, you know, retail. Now it's four times the price. If I wanted to sell it right now, if I needed money, I could sell it and make three times or four times the amount of money I want.

[Bobby Kelly]

I believe it's an investment in that regard, especially that watch, the Pepsi watch. Because by, I mean, and I'm sure I'm untrained eye here, I would just say, man, that's just a watch, just a watch. But, but nothing strikes me about at all. It's nice, obviously, but I mean like, if you were like, if you were like, actually dude, 30 bucks on Canal Street, I'd be like, yeah, man, sure.

[Robert Kelly]

I know, I know guys.

[Bobby Kelly]

Or like, or if you went high end, you know, Tissot or.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll tell you right now, I'll tell you right now. Casio or the calculator watch? No, that's a good watch. I want that watch. Actually, the Seiko Grandmaster is a cheap. It's not that cheap. But that watch right there probably has better time than Rolex. But it's, it's the.

[Bobby Kelly]

What about the calculator watch? I like the calculator watch where the time is always boobless, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

I, I have.

[Bobby Kelly]

You see Jacob on a calculator, if you. You know what, Jacob, do me a favor. Bring up your calculator on your phone real quick.

[Robert Kelly]

Sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh,

[Robert Kelly]

did he really just figure it out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let's do a little bit of math here.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you have any fun as a kid?

[Jacob]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay, would you mind putting in real quick let's go. 5, 5, 5, 3. 5, 5, 3, 7, 8, 8, 00008. Flip it upside down. Boobless.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You went two.

[Jacob]

No, I wrote it right. It's just.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, it puts apostrophes in. Yeah. Or commas.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you did it wrong.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Well, Boobless. So the calculator watch. Let me go back to. Let me do. We're gonna rewind the whole thing. We'll do the whole thing again.

[Robert Kelly]

Do it simpler.

[Bobby Kelly]

Back from the top, everybody. Places. No, not even that. Just places. We all got. Everyone's good. Okay. How about that calculator watch? I like that because it's always Boobless o'. Clock.

[Robert Kelly]

I actually want one of those.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love it.

[Jacob]

That's great.

[Bobby Kelly]

Anyway, who do I gotta kill to get one of these rubber pocket watches?

[Robert Kelly]

Jay? Yeah, but it's also my. Every watch that I have is a thing that I got it for. Like, it's my. My sky dweller. It's. When I did Kill Box, I was like, I want this watch to remember. Every time I wear that watch, I remember how I got it, and I remember that time and the progression of.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, here's a 4000. Here's a $40,000 watch to commemorate my fucking mall booger. This is my very first mall booger.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't think you should get a Rolex. I think you should get the watch you said. What's that watch that you liked? The red one? That watch is so cool. Nobody. Nobody owns it. I've never seen anybody have it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I got a great watch, and every couple years I update it. It's called My iPhone. Tells time just fine. Dude, I don't have to change the battery or nothing.

[Robert Kelly]

I hate that you.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't have to use perpetual motion.

[Robert Kelly]

I hate one booger. Fucking gave you fucking some type of insight.

[Bobby Kelly]

The booger that shook the world.

[Robert Kelly]

It really bugs me that you got a booger and just really shit everything out the window. Why? It's a booger. Everybody has boogers, right? I mean, not hooked to a nose ring at 49.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right, but. Exactly. And that boogered nose ring belongs to a person that shouldn't be in those fucking stores.

[Robert Kelly]

It's not that you shouldn't be in the. You know what? Can I say something? You probably shouldn't be in a Rolex store.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right?

[Robert Kelly]

You probably should have stayed in the Breitling, but you could have went in Omega or you could have went in What's. What's the one you. Like?

[Bobby Kelly]

You said I'm not omega.

[Robert Kelly]

You're not.

[Bobby Kelly]

You said Omega is for local lady boys.

[Robert Kelly]

I said Jacob, but I get your point.

[Bobby Kelly]

And Louis ck.

[Robert Kelly]

And Louis CK is definitely omega.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's more of a frivolous masturbators watch.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it keeps great time.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it stays tight around your wrist so it doesn't jostle around while you're tugging your wang.

[Robert Kelly]

It's an automatic. You have to shake your wrist to actually get it going.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sorry, guys, I'm not harassing you. I'm just doing kinetic energy.

[Robert Kelly]

I would love. What's the.

[Jacob]

What's the.

[Robert Kelly]

What's the one that he wanted a

[Bobby Kelly]

great thing to say. If you just jerk off on someone who doesn't want you to jerk off on them, you go, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to restart my watch. That's a great excuse. We should have talked to him a while ago.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, Christine, what's the watch that he wanted? What was the one, what was it called?

[Christine]

Are you talking about the red one?

[Robert Kelly]

Yes. What's that one?

[Bobby Kelly]

Hublot.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, on. That's a great watch. And it's nobody. I don't see anybody getting Bobby. And it's red.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're backpedaling cuz you want me to be in the stupid watch club your back P. Because when I said to you the first time I said the one that I like a lot, dude, Hublot. This was your immediate internal gut reaction.

[Robert Kelly]

No, that's when you showed me your mavado.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, when I told you I did the Matto, you started laughing because you thought I was kidding and I was like, no, I ordered online and you go, oh. And then you went. Then you went like this goes. Oh, no. They're good though. If you like them, they're see first. No, you're right, you didn't go. Then you started laughing. When I said Hugh, when I said hublot, you went like. And you really had a face of like. He still doesn't get it. He still doesn't get. And I was like, I guess I don't. I don't get it. You're right, I don't get it. I got a booger on my nose.

[Robert Kelly]

We're just going to have to buy him a watch.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bobby Kelly's going to be at that Stanford, Connecticut comedy club, New York comedy club in Stanford, Connecticut. That is Thursday, this week, the day after tomorrow. Don't fuck this up. After that he's gonna be in New Orleans, Mobile, Alabama, Long island and Austin, Texas. For tickets and all tour dates go to Punchup Live. Robert Kelly. And check out Bobby's new YouTube channel. YouTube.com obertkellycomedy and of course every Tuesday night, 7pm Fat black pussy get lounged at the comedy cell. Will I be there tonight? Depends on what this watch lady looks like.

[Robert Kelly]

She's pretty hot.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's getting harassed.

[Robert Kelly]

She's pretty hot.

[Bobby Kelly]

Good. Tell her I'm gonna french her right out of the gates.

[Robert Kelly]

Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's how I close business deals.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it was French her. And then she's gonna wipe the booger off her cheek.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're right. I.

[Robert Kelly]

One booger took you out of the watch game.

[Bobby Kelly]

It wouldn't leave. It was moving from nose ring to nose ring. It was letting me know. It was letting me know. Don't.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, don't walk in there.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't belong. You don't belong in this mall even. And I just casually went, I'm ready to go.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. Well, there you go. What'd you get to eat that night?

[Christine]

Is that barbecue night?

[Bobby Kelly]

Barbecue.

[Robert Kelly]

Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Isabella burgers.

[Robert Kelly]

Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's what I am, dude. Burgers on the grill.

[Robert Kelly]

Wait.

[Christine]

Steak.

[Bobby Kelly]

No one bothers me. It was awful.

[Robert Kelly]

You gotta be careful. You might never have steak anymore.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, no. Some of the steak was really good. Some of it was good.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll talk to you about something when we get back.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, there's some crazy going down. There is crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

What? Should I get my boy Dane Cook on the phone?

[Robert Kelly]

We will be. Right. But you know what? Do I need enough?

[Bobby Kelly]

Do we need a hero?

[Robert Kelly]

No, I'm a hero. He's not a hero.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's a hero.

[Robert Kelly]

You're a fucking hero.

[Bobby Kelly]

He saved the life of a good friend of mine, in fact named Robert Kelly.

[Robert Kelly]

Shut the fuck up.

[Bobby Kelly]

When he brought you from penniless and brought you to the precipice of being a thousand heir. Oh. We'll be right back. It's the bonfire, Jacob. Now make crazy hand gestures. Now. Now's the time.

[Robert Kelly]

Now, Jacob.

[Christine]

Now spread assholes are for gay men.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, Christine. From your lips to God's ears.

[Robert Kelly]

Paco looks like he owned a nightclub in Vietnam during the war.

[Bobby Kelly]

Absolutely.

[Robert Kelly]

Doesn't he?

[Bobby Kelly]

Absolutely. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Come on in, guys. Soldiers come in. American welcome.

[Bobby Kelly]

Or like a former Vietnamese, like violent soldier who's now hiding out in plain sight.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, both at night. He ran a nightclub, but he was really working for the Vietcong.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just a killer. Stone cold, cold blooded.

[Robert Kelly]

He made fun with all the. All the. All the GIs. But then they went into one of those holes and they saw him down there making plans. They were shocked. They're like, not you, Minho. Oh, he's me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Guys, look how beautiful of a woman your Boy George was.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, well, I don't know about that. It looks like Peter Finnerty that I grew up with.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it does you Peter Finnerty.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I didn't him. But he used to love mustard on everything.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Wieners, pancakes.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's not true. Yeah, Mustard on pancakes.

[Robert Kelly]

Like mustard on everything pancakes, crackers. Huh?

[Bobby Kelly]

He was gay.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't think that makes you gay. But I'm not sure. I've never.

[Bobby Kelly]

Weird.

[Robert Kelly]

I've never seen the studies.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah,

[Robert Kelly]

weird. He was known the. He loved mustard on anything. Yeah, he's. He was. I don't know if he's cute. I don't know if I'd call boy, I mean feminine.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm going from back in the day.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I can't fight this fight anymore, guys. It's inarguable.

[Robert Kelly]

You're gay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Boy George is a hot chick.

[Christine]

I mean he was.

[Bobby Kelly]

Boy George is a beautiful. A beautiful pouty faced girl. No, now he's an old bald guy. I know. I don't want to fuck Boy George now, everybody. I'm an adult.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't think Boy George was ever pretty.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I guess lucky for me, I wasn't old enough to fuck Boy George and find out the hard way.

[Robert Kelly]

The hard way?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Can I try your pussy now? I'll keep saying this is fun, but can I try your pussy now?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

No love. Stay right where he is. Okay. Your butthole. That's pretty cool, but like can I try your now? Don't worry about it.

[Christine]

Oh, should we go see Culture Club?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no.

[Robert Kelly]

Cause Jay will want to the Boy George now.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, dude, I just don't play that gay. You know that. Yeah. You want to go there and start bashing. You want to go there in 80 style, bash people. But also while I'm singing and dancing every single song. We got nothing but time. Get off me, queer. You all be queer. What's up? You love sucking dicks? Suck on this. Suck on this right now. Oh, they're doing. Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me? Get off me homo. I would see Culture Club for sure.

[Robert Kelly]

You'd fit right in. Why you watchless non man?

[Bobby Kelly]

I have no watch. I got booger covered nose rings, bunch of bracelets.

[Robert Kelly]

You literally you. You look like Boy George now. And then.

[Bobby Kelly]

Boy George never liked American football.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't know that. He like. He called football it Was soccer to him.

[Bobby Kelly]

He liked her.

[Christine]

Doesn't mean when style of jersey.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, you know, maybe if Boy George's man, I. E. Me was super into a team, maybe he would wear a stylized jersey.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, he would. He just be dazzle it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I mean with the way I would work his over. If I was gay, I'd suck a lot of ass before I it. I would be the top. But I'll suck the shit out of your asshole to get ready.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm going to throw up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why?

[Robert Kelly]

I'm just going to throw up.

[Bobby Kelly]

For what?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know. Just visualizing you sucking an ass. Oh.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean like. Like taking my tongue and getting where it's like maybe burrowing into it a little bit.

[Robert Kelly]

It's fucking gross.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why?

[Robert Kelly]

I just your little beautiful eyes peeking up over some dude's ass.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh yeah. Right over his tramp stamp balls.

[Robert Kelly]

Right.

[Bobby Kelly]

The balls will be in my chin.

[Robert Kelly]

Whatever.

[Bobby Kelly]

Does not know how to eat ass.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, we know.

[Christine]

Guys have different sized keyholes.

[Robert Kelly]

You've been begging her for years and she keeps saying no. Oh God. Ugh. Guy ass.

[Bobby Kelly]

If I was gay. If I'm not. No way.

[Robert Kelly]

Guys don't take care of their ass good enough to eat it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, gay guys I'd hope would. Maybe not but I mean you'd think there's no.

[Robert Kelly]

There's no way Boy George kept his ass nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

Come on. There's a whole bottom. You're wrong about that.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're wrong.

[Robert Kelly]

He came right off.

[Bobby Kelly]

I bet. A bear. Sweet. Tight. Yeah, that's my guess that's what you are.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that's your nickname. No, you're bear tight too. See?

[Bobby Kelly]

Bear tight Tootsie.

[Robert Kelly]

That's your gay. That's your gay genre. Bear tight Toosey.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bear tight Tootsie. Oh no, that's my. That's my club kid character.

[Jacob]

What qualifies for you as a. As a well kept.

[Robert Kelly]

If it's not. If it has to be. At least I like it to be one color.

[Bobby Kelly]

Take it from bear tight to see what you want is for it to be there.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't want it to be like three different colors.

[Jacob]

I'm saying you be day. So I would say you have a clean ass.

[Robert Kelly]

And I. I just watched a video on how to clean your ass.

[Jacob]

But that's not enough.

[Bobby Kelly]

We all know dude. Fucking bottle brushing. Some ivory soap.

[Robert Kelly]

Bottle brush?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, the way you clean a baby's bottle.

[Robert Kelly]

A what?

[Bobby Kelly]

A bottle brush.

[Robert Kelly]

What's a bottle brush?

[Bobby Kelly]

Some father. It's the brush that you use to clean the bottles of your baby. When your baby was drinking bottles.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I didn't do that stuff. Dawn did that. Cause I'm a man.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I didn't do it either. Carla did it. And then I would take the bottle brush and shove it up my asshole.

[Robert Kelly]

You didn't do it. Cause you weren.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was there.

[Robert Kelly]

You were there for a minute.

[Christine]

Stay at home, dad.

[Robert Kelly]

The first ten years. Yeah, I always forget you have a backup over there.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then she'd go behind the computer.

[Christine]

He left at 11.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he left as soon as you shut up, home wrecker. No, not right away.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's a 1212.

[Robert Kelly]

She said not right away. Oh, he hung in there. It was a lie. And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

[Christine]

Hey, everyone.

[Bobby Kelly]

Check out this guy and his bird.

[Christine]

What is this, your first date?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, no.

[Bobby Kelly]

We help people customize and save on

[Robert Kelly]

car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird. Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

[Bobby Kelly]

Anyways, get a [e-mail] or with your local agent.

[Christine]

Liberty, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty.

[Bobby Kelly]

With Verbal's last minute deals, you can save over $50 on your spring getaway. So whether it's a mountain escape, city break or a week at the beach, there's still time to get great discounts. Book your next day now. Average savings, $72. Select homes only.