Find Your People

Summary

The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: "Find Your People"
Date: June 9, 2026
Platform: SiriusXM Faction Talk, Channel 103

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Episode Overview

In this episode of The Bonfire, hosts Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly, along with their recurring crew and guests, dive into their signature blend of storytelling, behind-the-scenes comedy life, and pop culture riffing. The conversational touchstone is about "finding your people"—cultivating your niche in comedy and in life, dealing with the grind and sometimes exclusion of showbiz, and those universal moments of awkwardness and humility that come with chasing your dreams. Through candid, hilarious anecdotes—from bad road gigs to comedy scene politics to Netflix’s “Dutton Ranch”—the crew explores community, belonging, and the absurdity of it all.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. New York Commuting Woes & Schadenfreude

[00:54–04:36]

• Robert starts the show solo due to Jay's traffic; he jokes about Jay's insistence on living in Jersey.
• Robert's story: He gleefully describes witnessing a reckless Honda driver lose a wheel, causing street-side chaos but satisfying his sense of "karmic justice".
  • Quote: "There’s nothing better than seeing somebody deserve it get it." – Robert Kelly [02:11]
• Long Island's and Jersey's commuting difficulties are discussed, and how comedians must sometimes build their lives around these unpredictable barriers.

2. Comedy Advice and "The Science" of Standup

[07:35–16:35]

• The group riffs on giving and receiving comedy advice, especially to newer comics like Paco.
• Anecdotes about asking comics like Joe Rogan and Louis CK for advice, with varied, sometimes humbling responses.
  • Quote: “Anybody gives you advice, it’s gonna be sucky advice. Just get on stage... you’ll become who you are over time.” – Robert Kelly (quoting Joe Rogan) [09:31]
  • On Louis CK's metaphor: "Comedy is like school. You go to kindergarten... at the end, you're a professional comedian." – Robert Kelly [09:57]
• The danger of "collecting gems" of advice is debated—too many perspectives can muddle a comic’s journey.
• Robert and Christine joke about sharing their (sometimes embarrassing) youthful sets and the sheer vulnerability of early standup.

3. Awkward Moments and "Whiffs" in Comedy

[17:37–24:01]

• Jay and Christine swap cringe tales of awkward first encounters and failed attempts to ingratiate themselves with comedy idols (e.g., Todd Barry, Dave Attell).
• The group highlights how moments of social awkwardness form kinship among comics.
  • Quote: "It’s one of those things. You just say something, you’re like, what the fuck did I just say?" – Christine [18:06]
• Legendary comedian mishaps are unpacked, including tales involving Kurt Metzger, unwise advice about money, and failed green room interactions.

4. Road Gigs, Vegas Old School, and the Illusion of Showbiz Friendships

[24:01–28:37]

• Robert recalls the grueling world of early Vegas comedy (14–16 shows a week, cafeteria meals) and that "employee" feeling.
• Stories of hero-worship gone awry: Robert invites Joe Rogan to his show, gets snubbed, and ends the night eating alone, underscoring the sometimes isolating nature of standup.
  • Quote: “I told everybody there, almost… Rogan might stop by… And I just went up to my room by myself and they stayed there and enjoyed a great night.” – Robert Kelly [27:43]

5. Comedy Scene Sociology: Who’s Your “Guy”?

[33:40–36:39]

• The hosts reflect on their own comedic influences or "guys"—Dave Attell for Christine, Joe Rogan for Robert.
  • Quote: "When I saw Attell, I was like, I’ve never seen anybody… just didn’t understand what he was doing at all.” – Christine [33:47]
• They discuss the urge to emulate mentor figures, sometimes even following their vices for the sake of inclusion.

6. Absurd Road Stories & Cowboy Boot Brawls

[36:39–40:14]

• Robert tells an epic story about a fight outside a comedy club—rendered even more ridiculous by his choice of shoes: cowboy boots ("Not a lot of ankle support…").
• The aftermath: a hospital visit and a lingering injury.

7. TV Talk: “Yellowstone” and “Dutton Ranch” Hate-Watching

[39:48–46:14]

• Deep dive into the wild writing style of “Dutton Ranch” spinoffs—comparing Shakespearean, fortune-cookie dialogue, lack of nudity, and melodramatic speeches.
  • Quote (sarcastic): “As much as the morning comes up every day and I get to see the star gaze upon your face…” – Christine riffing on character dialogue [41:48]
• Jokes about the physical changes and awkward casting of teenage actors.

8. Comedy and Cultural Identity: “Finding Your People”

[57:48–59:17]

• Extended riff on how comedians “find their people”—Robert pushes Paco to cultivate an audience with Filipino and Asian fans, as Jo Koy did.
  • Quote: “You need to find your young little Filipino chubbies that will treat you like Manny Pacquiao.” – Robert Kelly [58:15]
• They map out comedy’s tribal lines: you need to play to your authentic crowd, not chase someone else’s.

9. Dance Comedy Crossovers & Pursuing Opportunities

[59:03–63:06]

• Inspired by Jo Koy’s use of the Jabberwockies breakdance troupe in his arena show, the crew jokes about Paco’s hypothetical dance-standup hybrid act as a way to brand himself.
  • Quote: "You come out as a Jabberwocky…and then you jabberwocky away to fame." – Robert Kelly [60:05]
• They imagine the logistics and absurdity of launching such a hybrid act.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On karmic justice in traffic:
  “There’s nothing better than seeing somebody deserve it get it.”
  – Robert Kelly [02:11]

• On comedy advice:
  “Anybody gives you advice, it’s gonna be sucky advice. Just get on stage... you’ll become who you are over time.”
  – Robert Kelly (quoting Joe Rogan) [09:31]

• On awkward social moments with comics:
  “It’s one of those things. You just say something, you’re like, what the fuck did I just say?”
  – Christine [18:06]

• On heartbreak of showbiz hierarchy:
  “I told everybody there, almost… Rogan might stop by… And I just went up to my room by myself and they stayed there and enjoyed a great night.”
  – Robert Kelly [27:43]

• On TV shows’ overwrought dialogue:
  "As much as the morning comes up every day and I get to see the star gaze upon your face…”
  – Christine mocking “Dutton Ranch” [41:48]

• On authentic branding as a comic:
  “You need to find your young little Filipino chubbies that will treat you like Manny Pacquiao.”
  – Robert Kelly [58:15]

• On dance-comedy crossovers:
  "You come out as a Jabberwocky…and then you jabberwocky away to fame."
  – Robert Kelly [60:05]

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Commuter schadenfreude and NY/NJ/LI traffic: [00:54–04:36]
• Comedy advice for young comics & the problem with too much advice: [07:35–16:35]
• Tales of awkward/failed attempts at ingratiating oneself to idols: [17:37–24:01]
• Robert’s Vegas show struggles & getting snubbed by Rogan: [24:01–28:37]
• Discussion of “finding your people” as a comic/performer: [57:48–59:17]
• Dance-comedy crossover and the need for unique branding: [59:03–63:06]

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Tone & Style

The tone is irreverent, self-deprecating, and fast-paced, with a focus on the camaraderie and in-group humor of longtime comedians. The banter is rapid, laced with inside jokes, and punctuated by bursts of laughter and teasing. Even as they lampoon themselves and their colleagues, there's a recurring undercurrent about authenticity—being true to who you are, for better or worse, both on stage and in life.

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Summary

Find Your People is classic Bonfire—A blend of personal confessions, showbiz war stories, and razor-sharp mockery, all coming back to the core idea: real success in comedy (and in life) comes from leaning into what makes you and your tribe unique. The episode moves deftly from laugh-out-loud road stories to real (if tongue-in-cheek) advice on belonging, personal growth, and not trying to be someone you're not—unless, of course, Rogan asks you to.

Transcript

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[Christine]

And now the bonfire with Big J

[Robert Kelly]

Okerson and Robert Kelly. Jay's running a second or two late. Traffic was a nightmare. Getting in today. His way, not my way. That's why I moved to Westchester. It's always nice and easy. I told you to move to Westchester, but you had to go to Jersey. Cause you listened to Lewis and now you gotta deal with a tunnel and a bridge. Old Bob K sawmill. Took me 47 minutes to get here today.

[Jacob]

Unless it's flood flooded.

[Robert Kelly]

Unless it's flooded and unless there's one accident or any problem at all, then the whole thing shuts down because it's two lanes.

[Jacob]

There's one way in, one way out

[Robert Kelly]

only there's one way in and one way out and you're. If anything happened. I actually today coming in. I've never seen it. Always wanted to see it. Guy coming in. You know those little Hondas that day? What was that? Was that my brain?

[Christine]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, that one. The little, little Hondas or the two, you know, zipping in and like a video game with the tinted windows, those jerk offs. You know when everybody else is driving the speed limit and they have to zip in and out to show everybody their little mods they put on their car and their muffalo. They took it off. One of those jerk offs passed me and then his tire, whole tire came off. Whole tire came off.

[Lewis]

Satisfying.

[Robert Kelly]

Rolling down the middle of the street on his stupid twenty thousand dollar rim. It made me so happy. And the best part is I was right. I was. I was right behind him and then I was right next to him. Because all the people behind me, I wouldn't be here right now because he had, there's no, there's no shoulder on the sawmill. It's just two lanes. So right behind me it started traffic. So it was a good today I got to see somebody who deserved it get it. There's nothing better than seeing somebody deserve it get it. Because you know he was zipping. I'm gonna get between, look. And then his tire just, the whole thing just fell off and rolled down the middle of the road. And I rode by him laughing. I couldn't see him because his windows are tinted, but I'm pretty sure he saw me laughing in his face with the rim scraping, talking to the mic. Remember how the show works?

[Christine]

Was the rim scraping?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, fuck yeah.

[Christine]

Oh

[Robert Kelly]

yeah. Oh, it was dude. So satisfying just to know that he, he was trying to keep going too. But then he, he saw his wheel go past him. His, his wheel was going faster than him. Oh God. There is a God, that's, that's nice when that happens. When you see someone get it that deserves it. And he got it. And now he's still probably on the sawmill.

[Lewis]

But I feel like Christine is giving cope so well if there's a flood. Yeah, but I mean you don't need anything to go wrong for there to be problem with the tunnel and bridge. It's just New Jersey. It's just awful.

[Jacob]

Going up north is probably easiest, but you don't get as. I mean it's way more expensive up there, which is why we did Jersey. It's like way more pricey up there. And also Long island, the only other one with I done was Long island, which is a nightmare. Going back and forth from Long island

[Robert Kelly]

is like anybody, anybody who moves to Long Island. Now you're mentally ill. I have a gig in Long Island a couple weeks. I'm preparing for it mentally right now because I have to leave it like 1 o' clock to get there for a 7 o' clock show. It's a nightmare, the island. I love the people, love the shows. It sucks. It sucks.

[Lewis]

I used to commute, commute to Jersey. So I, I, I still have nightmares about it. That's why I, I snapped at you, Christine. But even Lewis, Lewis had a nightmare going home on Thursday because it's a

[Jacob]

nightmare and it's not like living in the city and it's a whole new game.

[Robert Kelly]

Tell you what though, a little more expensive where I live. But you know what? Home right away. Zip, zip, zip.

[Jacob]

I got home pretty what we're going, what we're dealing with right now. And I sent a bunch of texts about it over the weekend is the World Cup's coming in and we go right past the fucking World cup stadium to get to and from work. And I think that. That it starts on the 13th. I think a lot of that stuff think happening and it's awful. And I don't know what we're going to do. I literally. I'm like, I'm panicking. I'm like, do we have to move to the city for June?

[Robert Kelly]

Guess what I have right near my house. What Train?

[Jacob]

Ryan Reynolds.

[Robert Kelly]

I can walk. Well, yes. And Martha Stewart and Chaz Palmateri and Dennis Leary and. Who else is it, though? Oh, 80.

[Jacob]

Wait, do you have a pool?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't have a pool, but I do.

[Jacob]

I have a pool.

[Robert Kelly]

Uno momento. I have the. The town pool two blocks away.

[Jacob]

Ew.

[Robert Kelly]

No, not. I agree with you. Not in Katona. No. Ooh, nice. I've never used it.

[Jacob]

Actually. I wanted to go to Long island because I'm beach and I was like, oh, I can live by the beach and live by the city, but it's like fucking five hours to get to the city.

[Robert Kelly]

You can't move to Long Island. You can't. It sucks. It's. I don't know how people do it. And then you have to become that exit asshole that, you know, cuts everybody off. You know, everybody's waiting in line for an hour. And that one Long island asshole, they're all. They just zip up to the front and then cut in. I want that to be illegal. I want those people to have to like $1,000 ticket or go to jail for a week. If you. If you're at an exit and you pass everybody and then slime your way in. If you have that type of just shit in you where you. You do that, don't you, Christine? You're one of those.

[Jacob]

No, I wanted to this week, and I was in a ferry line that was like two hours. But you can't cut over. You're like, you do not cut over.

[Robert Kelly]

You have to be a certain type of person. There he is. There he is.

[Christine]

Karate class friendly. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

What did your master teach you about karate?

[Christine]

Aggressive offense.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, sorry. Yeah.

[Christine]

Defense.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes. No mercy.

[Christine]

Only use if guys really annoying you. And Paco was just getting on my nerves for some reason.

[Robert Kelly]

What's up, buddy?

[Christine]

Hey, buddy. Me and Paco spent a magical weekend together.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, it's always magical with Paco, isn't it?

[Christine]

It was magical. Well, sure, there's always going to be Japanese mysticism for sure, but take that out of it just like a magical time.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Some type of nondescript clothes he's going to wear that you could jump on a bike or go on stage or work at a dumpling shop.

[Christine]

All those things would work.

[Robert Kelly]

You could deliver.

[Christine]

Deliver your panini on a Vespa with oven mitts on the handlebars. Keep his hands warm.

[Robert Kelly]

He could do improv on the fly.

[Christine]

Absolutely.

[Robert Kelly]

He could mime if he wanted to, or he could do sleight of hand magic.

[Christine]

Paco did a great job all weekend.

[Robert Kelly]

He's funny.

[Christine]

Stanford, he did a great job.

[Robert Kelly]

Funny. He doesn't seem funny when he's in the studio filming. He seems like he's. I don't know, a schedule, one might say he's just staring down at whatever type of snack he's eating that he has to eat because he bikes everywhere.

[Christine]

The best. The difference between me and you, though, that's funny again, it's because I smoke pot. For sure. On this regard is we've talked about this before behind Paco's back. It's not an insult, but it's just a funny thing. Like, Paco wants to talk about, like, comedy and getting through comedy and, like, different things about comedy. And, like, you are like, definitely like the. Dude, please shut up. I don't care. And I'm. I'm. Light a cigarette and go, well, Paco, comedy is a fickle bitch. The audience is the ebb and the flow, the science. Can I talk to you about the science? I am the science.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, because the advice I got from the great Joe Rogan when I was at Paco's stage, I remember being, listen, Paco, I've been where you are. We've all been there. I remember I had my first set of Catch a Rising Star where I bombed on cassette tape. And I would travel with it because I had a cassette tape in my Toyota Corolla two door. And I would have to pick up the headliners and drive in places and I would always slip it in on the way home. I'd be like, you mind if I just throw this in and you could tell me what you think? And oh, my fucking God, force them to listen to my first comedy, that's Criminal, which consisted of. My grandmother was born with two thumbs on one hand. She made a great pie crust. But then it was a visual joke.

[Christine]

Oh, my God, listen to and assume what you did there.

[Robert Kelly]

She gave. She went to see Spider Man. She gave it two thumbs up. She worked at the Catholic church. One of three thumbs up on Ash Wednesday. She could do two people at a time. Yeah.

[Christine]

You know, it's killing. Yeah, but why not three thumbs up?

[Robert Kelly]

Because you only give one thumbs up. And she gave two thumbs up because she had two thumbs in one hand. Jay, I didn't do. Listen, I. I wish you around back then maybe we could have punched it up. I didn't know we were gonna punch it up 30 years later, but I

[Christine]

didn't know you were gonna revisit it like this.

[Robert Kelly]

But here's the thing, is that one day I went up to Rogan when we were working the AKU AKU when he was headlining. I was middling for him, and I said, yo, man, same as Paco. Hey, man, can I talk to you? You have any advice? You know, and he went, there's no advice. Don't take any advice from everybody. Anybody. Anybody gives you advice, it's gonna be sucky advice. Just get on stage and become who you are and just. Stage time.

[TextNow Announcer]

Stage time.

[Robert Kelly]

Stage time. Then you'll become who you are over time.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And the second great advice, Louis CK Comedy is like school. You go to kindergarten, then you go to first through sixth, and then you go to seventh and eighth, and then you go to high school, and then you go to four years of college, and at the end of that time, you're a professional comedian.

[Christine]

Fuck. I gave the wrong Louis advice.

[Robert Kelly]

What'd you say?

[Christine]

Paco asked me questions and I jerked off on him.

[Robert Kelly]

Wait a minute. Yeah, that's not the wrong advice.

[Christine]

Okay?

[Robert Kelly]

That's the. That's the final exam that I took.

[Christine]

And I said, you keep your mouth shut. You're going to go far in this business, kid. And then I winked at him and I pinched his cheek.

[Robert Kelly]

I actually went to Louis house this weekend.

[Christine]

Really?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. He called me on the way back from New Hampshire.

[Christine]

Oh, would he need you to help move a bed or something? You had a truck, you need a table.

[Robert Kelly]

Close. Bobby.

[Christine]

Bobby Lou CK here. You still got that ranger?

[Robert Kelly]

It was close. I can't reveal what it was, but it was close.

[Christine]

Help move a body?

[Robert Kelly]

No, not a body. Not a body.

[Christine]

Bodies will pay.

[Robert Kelly]

We had to move a few bodies. No, I went up to his. He. He did call me and at the last minute ago, hey, but no, I just went up. He lives only 45 minutes away from me. He lives up. He lives up further than me.

[Christine]

Oh, really?

[Robert Kelly]

In the wood? He's got like 50 acres in the middle of the woods and his house.

[Christine]

Damn, dude, that's hiding.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a. It's a movie set. And then he has another. I don't even know if I should say this, but he has a. Pretty much a garage. That's a soundstage. Where.

[Christine]

Where's the address?

[Robert Kelly]

It's 1345.

[Christine]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

Saw Devil Way he goes.

[Christine]

When does he. Is he. When's he away from his house? Do you know?

[Robert Kelly]

He's gonna be away all weekend.

[Christine]

Okay, that's nice. That's good. It's 45 minutes from you in either direction.

[Robert Kelly]

It's so funny. You were like, what do you want you to do? It's like, God damn. Was a little task.

[Christine]

If you wouldn't mind helping me out with some light housework, would you? I'll give you $300 if you clean my apartment. I hope you went and cleaned his apartment. Thought I'm gonna be a little late. CK needs me.

[Robert Kelly]

I would just say I would send Dawn. Don, go up and helps Louie.

[Christine]

Louie needs me.

[Robert Kelly]

But, yeah, I'm trying to think of

[Christine]

things I did when I was young. I mean, I did. I was actually pretty good. Like, probably a lot of the thing that, like, not stifled me, but maybe, like, stunted me to some degree was, like, my lack of, like, that. Because I know there's, like, bad moments of that, like, trying hard, but, like, you should try sometimes. And I was just more like, settled to be like, I just won't ask anything. I don't get anything.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't think you should try. I don't think you should philosophize about comedy. I think you should just do comedy. Because if I give him advice, Right? Say I gave him my advice, and you give him your advice, and then somebody else gives him, he's going to be all confused in his head. And there's a certain point that you get past that. You just get on stage and be sure whatever the fuck you are. And comedy filters out the people that aren't supposed to do it.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

So if we just let him do that, he won't be around.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

In a couple years, I think we're gonna filter you out.

[Christine]

They'll just fucking file him out to himself. But I say more than, I don't think I give Paco. I don't think I give Paco any advice. It's not advice. Maybe we're having this different thing. Paco has questions about comedy in general, not advice. And then I can't wait to tell my life story again. If you're gonna sit there and listen to it for two days, I'll keep telling it to you. And then when I had this argument with My parents and blibbity blop. And then that hard time. And then I got into a fight with the promoters and I got jumped on stage and something else. And hardships and. What's that?

[Jacob]

Do you tell him about how Bert pointed out that you could have done both?

[Christine]

No, but I have pointed it out many times before.

[Robert Kelly]

I just think if I give you. I have given you advice. Yeah, but every time we work together, you want more advice. I do.

[Christine]

I like collecting advice and gems and I'm realizing how, like, gay that is. They're born learners.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what it does to you because you're Asian?

[Christine]

I have a notebook on these things. He asked Bobby for advice.

[Robert Kelly]

Bobby, Hello.

[Christine]

And then Big J tells his life story.

[Robert Kelly]

Big J, what are you talking about?

[Christine]

Slowly.

[Robert Kelly]

Over today. Oh, God. Wisdom. I love wisdom.

[Christine]

Me and Paco in an empty food court eating everything but hot dogs from Nathan's guy. Make me food. We went to Nathan's and Pa got fish and chips and I got a cheesesteak. It was like I. We just threw everything out.

[Robert Kelly]

You threw the fish and chips out?

[Christine]

It wasn't cooked inside.

[Robert Kelly]

That's not good. Frank Pepe's. Where were you this weekend?

[Christine]

Stanford.

[Robert Kelly]

Why didn't you go to the. Did you go to the Asian place right across. I told you to go three times.

[Christine]

Yeah, they. We ordered from there the first night.

[Robert Kelly]

You did? How was it?

[Christine]

The Asian place?

[Robert Kelly]

The non.

[Christine]

The place where we got the dumpling place.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Yeah, it's great.

[Robert Kelly]

How great was this? Delicious soup.

[Christine]

Dumplings are always good.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you get the noodles?

[Christine]

No, he got noodles, but.

[Robert Kelly]

What was it called?

[Christine]

Nuderous.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I'm sorry. What was it again?

[Christine]

Neuteros Nudes.

[Robert Kelly]

I love that place. It's my favorite. I crave. That's the only place I crave.

[Christine]

Really?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. The beef noodles there.

[Christine]

I crave noodles.

[Robert Kelly]

My beef noodles.

[Christine]

I crave your beef noodle.

[Robert Kelly]

Here's the thing with Paco. Paco, can I just say something to you? Give you. I'm gonna give you some advice right now.

[Christine]

Sure.

[Robert Kelly]

The more. Right now. What are you. Voss. The more advice that you. Now that you know what you're doing, you're funny, you get on stage and you do your thing.

[Christine]

Thank you.

[Robert Kelly]

It's this. Almost like a Mexican jumping beat. What did the guy say after the show? He came up to me. He said, bobby, I've seen you ten times. You're amazing. Every time he went up to. Who was the other guy on the show? Cody.

[Christine]

Oh, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my God. You're the Funniest. And he said to Paco, he said, paco, you move. Well, yeah, he said, I like the

[Christine]

way you move on stage. I like the way you move. I love the way you move. I like the way.

[Robert Kelly]

So. But my. Seriously, no joking around. You. There's a point right now where you just gotta go, do you hat you. Because you're never going to build your comic ego. Jay has a comic ego.

[Christine]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

Let me finish, okay? I have a comic ego. We have an ego. Hang on, let me finish. We have a comic ego. We have egos that wear the shit. We. We hate ourselves. We think we're gonna bomb. We think we suck. But then that second when we get up there, we're like, I'm gonna fucking kill it. And then we kill it. You're gonna. You gotta. You gotta get that fucking ego. You gotta get that comic ego where you like, I'm gonna fucking murder this. I'm gonna kill it every time.

[Christine]

It's so funny you say that because there really is so much. There's times like 10 minutes before I go on stage where I go, how do you just start talking to a room full of people out of nowhere? Like, I just forget about it for a second. I go, when the fuck do you get up there and just start talking to people? Why wouldn't they be like, what's he saying? Yeah, what?

[Robert Kelly]

I was on stage in the middle of an act out in Maine and I turned. I had to turn around and bend down. And in the middle.

[Christine]

You don't have to.

[Robert Kelly]

When I turned around and bend down, I was. I literally in my head went, why? What am I doing? I shouldn't be doing this. This is the stupidest thing ever. And I had to jump back up and turn back and say my line exactly.

[Christine]

Marshmallow. What the fuck am I doing myself? Marshmallows. Marshmallows. Marshmallows. Marshmallows.

[Robert Kelly]

But we all. We all have that thing before we're going up that we. This is nuts. I'm gonn bomb. What am I doing? And then you get up there and something happens.

[Christine]

But what's some of the best whiffs, like meeting people. I don't. I wish I had more of my own. I've seen a few. Metzger is involved in a lot of them.

[Robert Kelly]

What do you mean? Explain. What is a whiff?

[Christine]

Like? Like, Lewis always tells a story. I love it. He booked Todd Barry for one of his first produced shows ever. And you know, he was so excited. You know, he was the. Producing the show. So he felt like some semblance of probably ownership over this, probably feeling good, you know, he's probably ownership.

[Robert Kelly]

He still has that with skanks. Story wars.

[Christine]

Yeah, but I mean, over every.

[Robert Kelly]

Rags. Everything he does.

[Christine]

I mean, over the stand up show this time, but. But almost just probably more. You're just feeling good about the show being full, I'm sure. Or whatever. And he went up behind Todd Barry and started rubbing his shoulders and he goes, you nervous, buddy? And he was like, I'm okay. It's one of those things. You just say something. You're like, what the fuck did I just say? Why did I say that? Why did I do that? Metzger has the best. The best ones. That was David Tell all. It's so funny how, like, they became like, friends ultimately, because I tried to foster that in the beginning so much. And Metzger just was the worst. His first interactions with him were when the chairs were all outside at the Comedy Cellar way early. Keith bringing us up. He's staring over Attell's shoulder. I mean, weirdly standing right behind him, looking over his shoulder while Tell's writing on little pieces of paper, I assume joke ideas or whatever. And he goes. And he goes. They Tell goes, do you mind? And Kurt just panics and tries to say something funny. He goes, you're not the king of me, Dave Attell. Which is so weird. And then it tells us. Goes, all right, well, you're not my bitch, so do you mind? And then he was kind of like. He got his, like, twittered off. And then. And then the other one was at a. Oh. When I opened for a Tell the first time at Caroline's, after the first day, I'm like, this guy's great. I gotta get Kurt in this guy's presence for summer. I just think they would hit it off so well. It's very interesting. Similar minds. I thought I should get them together. They. I bring Kurt to the green room of Caroline's, and I don't know why. His first position he chose was sitting up on the countertop. You know, I mean, where, like, the sink is and everything. Yeah, in the green room. He just sits up there, feet on a chair.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Christine]

And sitting with his ass up on the countertop so it tells in a chair. So he's like over a Tell kind of already, which is weird. It tells making a giant iced coffee in a big Caroline. They used to have these big collector cups. They were glass. They'd give you if you ordered one of their big drinks. And it tells drinking an iced Coffee out of one of those. And I'm getting ready to start the show I was hosting. And they go, jay, we're ready to start. And I go, all right, I'm gonna run out there. And it Tell goes, I'm gonna come watch you. And he gets up out of his chair, and Kirk gets up and goes, oh, I'm gonna come watch too. And Kurt just fumbles over his own fucking dork feet and, I mean, bumps into a tell. And Attell's hand hits the wall, and the glass smashes.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my God.

[Christine]

And cuts his hand. Oh, no. It's a thing. And then Attell's like, it's fine, it's fine. Let me just go. I go, kirk, get outta here. And don't come back ever. I go, it's not meant to be. You guys aren't meant to be friends. And then the other one was. That was the last one before they became, like, friends. But the in between those two, I told. There was also. Stu came. Remember Stu Kamins?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God, the guy.

[Christine]

Sue Caymans was a. I guess by the time I met him, a junkie in Philly, former comedian, might still be doing comedy.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, he was a comedian. He was well known back then.

[Christine]

Oh, yeah, he was doing stuff. He was like, getting all this, like, not premium blend, but was. Before Tompkins Square Park.

[Robert Kelly]

He was. He was actually in the mix. He was absolutely. He was above me getting a lot

[Christine]

of stuff, and it meant. I thought it was something. So he came back to Philly, though, I think because of drugs and kind of failing out. But, like, he just started the black. He started going to the black club that I started at all the time. And he would come in and get, like, money. He would come in and, like. Yeah, he would kind of, like, bum money from people, from the audience. You'd get in trouble for this and then go buy heroin and then come back and do his set. I guess.

[Robert Kelly]

That's genius.

[Christine]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I might do that for snacks.

[Christine]

It was fucking wild. It was wild. I think at the time. He also used to, like. I think one time also, and he was hanging out all the time with Kurt a lot.

[Robert Kelly]

Makes sense.

[Christine]

And. And Kurt's ex girlfriend. And the funny thing was the connection there. Why they were, like, all friendly enough was because heroin. No. Stu banged Kurt's girlfriend before, like, before they ever met. But, like, that was the connection. And. Yeah, and then he would just kind of. He would be around all the time. And when we started hanging out at the Cellar, Stu Kamman, Kurt tells me he Goes, hey, Stu Kamon's told me that if. If I want to have a conversation with the Tell to start something up with him, he goes, I should say that Stu Kamins says he's gonna get you back that money he owes you real soon. And I went, kurt, I would stay away from that one, man. That sounds like a loaded thing. Like, it sounds like. It just sounds like something you shouldn't get in the middle. The money he owed, not the. Not. Thanks for letting me borrow that money. I'm glad I was able to get it back. Like, it's still an open wound. Yeah, I would just steer clear of that. And. And then we're outside the cell. This is when Dave was still drinking. So Dave goes over to the off the wagon bar at the end of the night, always down the street, and Kirk goes, dave's handed off the wagon. I think I'm gonna go. This Duke Amidst thing. I went, nah, dude, you don't. I see you shouldn't do it. He goes, now come with me. And I went, I'm not going with you because I'm telling you you shouldn't go. And he's like, I'm going.

[Robert Kelly]

See, my advice would have been like, I'm coming, and you should absolutely do that. Yeah.

[Christine]

I'm not gonna go walk up to him with you, but I would like to see what happens here. I should have.

[Robert Kelly]

So you're dealing in science, I'm dealing in influencing.

[Christine]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I definitely went and filmed it on whatever phone I had.

[Christine]

Feed the beast. Feed the beast. Why not? You're not wrong.

[Robert Kelly]

I went, I.

[Christine]

And well, then Kirk comes. So he goes over.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

And he comes back like 15 minutes later, 20 minutes later, and he's not. He's like. Not even seems fake. Just back hanging out, not really talking about it all. And I went up to him and I'm like, how did it go? He goes, it was all right. He goes, he was sitting at the bar and I went up to him and I was like, hey, Dave Attell. Of course, full name, Kurt Metzger. Hey, Dave Attell. Stu Kamis told me to tell you he's going to get you back that money he owes you at some point real soon. And he said. And then Attell turned around out of his seat, and he goes, I don't want his fucking money. And then went and sat in a booth by himself away from me. And I went, that sounds like it went terribly.

[Robert Kelly]

I remember I was doing. I was doing the Palms, but remember when Vegas was just Tropicana Or Harris Improv. And you had to do like a week.

[Christine]

Or Riviere and Riviera.

[Robert Kelly]

You had to do like a week or two weeks. That's how Vegas ran. You had to do a week or two weeks. And between 14 and 16 shows a week, it was fucking ta it was death. You would. You would come back from that and be like, I'm quitting this business. This is what I just.

[Christine]

And the money wasn't great when you were not the draw, when they were just using you as, like, one of the comics.

[Robert Kelly]

You're making 800 bucks, and you had to eat in the cafeteria. They used to give you a little. So you had to eat with, like, three Asian blackjack dealers.

[Christine]

I would love that, though. I love buffet style anything. They go, that's just a cruise slop. I go, give it to me.

[Robert Kelly]

I hated it. I felt like such an employee. It sucked.

[Lewis]

Barry Manilow said the same thing when he came in. Yeah, that's right.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. You had a story. You had to go down there. But then the. The Court. Court from L. A, you know, Court McCown, he and the other dude started at the Palms Friday, Saturdays, where you just come in, you do two shows Friday, two show Saturdays, done with Playboy. The Playboy Playmates would be on it, and it was at the Palms, which was the hottest hotel in Vegas off the Strip. So I'm doing it. I'm.

[Christine]

I'm.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm. I'm like, this is great. I got my own show I'm doing with the Playboy Playmates. And the UFC was just getting big, so they were doing UFC at the Palms at the time. That's how it was. So small it was. And I got a call from Rogan. I got a text message from Joe Rogan, who I've. He's my guy. He was my guy back then. And we were in and out.

[Christine]

That's really gay, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

I would have done whatever he said.

[Christine]

Well, you shaved your head.

[Robert Kelly]

I shaved my head first.

[Christine]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

Then he finally did.

[Christine]

Sure.

[Robert Kelly]

And I was glad that he did. And I was gonna text him and say, hey, dude, let it go, Rogan.

[Christine]

You must not have heard. We're shaving our head now. You're my guy.

[Robert Kelly]

So he texts me. He's like, hey, man, it's Rogan. I'm. I'm doing UFC tonight and doing a show before, whatever. And I was. I was. I was just like, cool, man. Hey, I got a show right in the Palms. Why don't you come by? You can jump on, do a set, you know, and. And then I wrote, I'd love to go to the ufc too. I'd love to go see the show. I'm a big fan of UFC nothing.

[Christine]

It's insane, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

I told everybody there, almost. You're very close. Almost.

[Christine]

Well, if you need your truck for something, I'm sure. Hey, me and Louie are hanging out. Want to know if you could help us move this bench, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

I went and told everybody. I go, dude, Rogan might stop by. So they were like, what?

[Christine]

That's. My dad's coming to pick me up, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

They were. They were prepared. They were telling everybody, look, if you stop, just let him in. I go, dude, I don't care if I'm middle of a joke, just let me know. We'll throw them right on all the shows. I was like, oh, Friday's night. So then I. Nothing, nothing. And then I go, they had a diner inside, 24 hour diner inside the Palms. So after the show on Saturday, I went to the diner by myself at like one in the morning, and I sat in a booth by myself and just ordered a by myself meal. And I look over and Rogan comes in with Joey, Ralphie, all the UFC fighters that I love and know, and he sits down at this big table, and I'm right there, and I'm just, You know, my eyes. My eyebrows go up, and I'm just trying to get noticed by other that I know. And they don't even acknowledge me.

[Christine]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

And I'm. Dude, I'm. I'm as close.

[Christine]

Hey, Bobby, I'm not gonna finish this dessert. You want it?

[Robert Kelly]

And it's. The fights are over. Everything's over. And I walk up and I'm. I have to walk by their table to leave. So I walk up, you pay tribute.

[Christine]

He's your guy.

[Robert Kelly]

And I walked up, hey, what's up, man? He's like, hey, what's up? And I was like, nothing, bro.

[Christine]

You made a lot of promises. To my heart.

[Robert Kelly]

I go. I go, nothing. What's up with you? He goes, nothing, man, just living life. And I go, all right, man. All right, cool, dude. I said, have a great night. He goes, you too, bro. Have a great night.

[Christine]

I told people you were coming. You made me feel fool.

[Robert Kelly]

And I just went up to my room by myself, and they stayed there

[Christine]

and enjoyed a great night ufc.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, not even a dude. How was your show? Like, you know. Oh, couldn't make it. Not even a lie. I would have took a lie. I got, hey, man, what's up? Nothing. What's up with you? Nothing.

[Christine]

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[Christine]

Who would be my guy if Rogan's your guy in that capacity? What's my guy? Is that a tal?

[Robert Kelly]

It's a tal. Is your guy, dude.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

100% your guy. You are.

[Christine]

Well, no, no, I would say a tell is my guy, but, like, in that same, like, you, like, like. Was Rogan that far ahead of you and that, like, impressive at that point that you were like. I mean, when I saw a tell, I was like, I've never seen anybody. Like, I just. Just didn't understand what he was doing at all.

[Robert Kelly]

I came because I came up with the seven minutes of clean time when you get on the Tonight show show, every comic around the. The evening at Caroline's Comedy Half Hour.

[Christine]

Comedy Hour. Yeah, Evening at the Improv, all that.

[Robert Kelly]

I came up. We were. I was an open micr or middler or whatever at that time. So everybody in Boston was trying to get seven minutes of clean material to get on the Tonight show, get on one of these stupid shows, even at the improv. And that's how you became famous. I then saw MTV's comedy Half Hours with Rogan, who was talking about getting a blowjob. And how much pressure could you apply to the top of a girl's head while pushing her head down? You know what I mean? And I was like, this is my guy. This is my. That's. I was dying. He was.

[Christine]

So you shove women's heads down in your lap. That is your guy.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, he taught me how to do it without getting, you know, without aggravating them.

[Christine]

That's what David Tell did to me. I said, I want to hang out with him. So I started smoking cigarettes. That will probably kill me eventually one day.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he was. He was just. Just an edgy comic on regular TV that I was just like, ah, this. You can do it. You can. You can be dirty and still get on tv. You don't need that. So.

[Christine]

And he was from Boston. I was gonna say, Dice didn't hit you like that.

[Robert Kelly]

Nah, Dice didn't hit me like that. He did. And then he came to Boston and we actually worked together. And that's when I asked him that stupid question. And he was like, dude, just get on stage.

[Christine]

Can I be your best friend, Joe Rogan?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I wanted to be his best. We had a. We had a whirlwind weekend that weekend, too. We hooked up with chicks. We hung out. He was. I thought we. I thought we were going to be best friends for life. And he actually. Well, I think what happened, he came back again and we worked at some.

[Christine]

Is that why you got morbidly obese? Because he was hanging out with Joey Diaz and Ralphie May?

[Robert Kelly]

No, I got more.

[Christine]

So you feel you had to become like a big guy to, like, deal with him? Like, oh, he hates my abs.

[Robert Kelly]

No, that's not it. I got morbidly obese because he didn't hang out with me. It made me sad. And I just ate. That was my third fat.

[Christine]

And then you were probably like, well, now I'm overweight, so he'll probably like me now. And still nothing.

[Robert Kelly]

Nothing.

[Christine]

What a son of a bitch. He came back on taekwondo and faced him.

[Robert Kelly]

He came back to. He came back, did a gig in New Hampshire, was headlining at some bar, some shit. This is where he was. He was just coming and doing. This is before TV and stuff like that, when he was just getting hot. And he did a bar and I middled for him there. And we hung out. It was awesome. And I was like, this is the best. This is like after we hung out that first time. And then he. He. He. I hooked up with this country girl. She was like. Drove a pickup truck. She. Truck. She had Levi's. She was just country. And I hooked up with her.

[Christine]

Fat.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no. But was gonna be.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what I mean?

[Christine]

Absolutely.

[Robert Kelly]

Does that make sense?

[Christine]

Absolutely.

[Robert Kelly]

Definitely.

[Christine]

You can see her pig face growing in around her regular face.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you could. Yeah. Now she is wherever she is.

[Christine]

Of course, she probably has a brand on her back, but she.

[Robert Kelly]

We went to a party, me, her, and this other dude I know. And this little. He was a little tiny. He was a little guy. Little tiny guy. And he was on the show. Kind of annoying, but I think he liked the country girl. So he kept coming up to me and with me. And he got really drunk and went back to this guy's house. Rogan didn't come and he started with me. He started like, saying up to me. So I just was like, hey, shut the fuck up. Fuck you. Outside now. And he. He went outside and we. It was. It was snow. It was all snowing out in the room. It was all ice. And I forgot that I was in cowboy boots.

[Christine]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

I was like, that's when the. Remember the cowboy boot? You don't remember this for a minute. Cowboy boots were in with the little shiny toe. Remember the silver tiptoe?

[Christine]

No, not up. This. Not up. Not this side of the Mason Dixon.

[Robert Kelly]

It was right after Z. Cavarici's

[Christine]

where

[Robert Kelly]

I had cowboy boots on. So I'm on ice with cowboy boots with little silver tip toes. And this kid's coming out little. And he came out, and I had Mace in my. That's them. And I had mace in my hand. I was like, I'm gonna Mace this.

[Christine]

Oh, my God. Do you wear cowboy boots? And you have matrix, like a chick in every possible way. You should add on short shorts, Daisy duke, maybe a vest, and no shirt.

[Robert Kelly]

But at the last second, I was like, I'm not using. That's. I'm gonna fight this kid. And I threw the mace in the snow. He came out. I hit him. I didn't know this. This is why I never with wrestlers. I'll never fight a wrestler in my life.

[Christine]

He picked up the mace and sprayed you with it?

[Robert Kelly]

No, he actually beat the. Out of me.

[Christine]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

And then I. He. He. I had him in, like, some bear hug where he was down there. He took his head and just ripped it up, headbutted me, dazed me, then my ankle. Because cowboy boots, I don't know if you know this don't have a lot of ankle support.

[Christine]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

And my knee slipped.

[Christine]

What if you fall off a bucking bronco? The reason you're supposed to wear them.

[Robert Kelly]

No, not a lot of an ankle support. Not these ones. And I ripped all the ligaments off my ankle, and I just fell to the ground screaming. And then he just decided. He just kept punching me in the face in front of.

[Christine]

In front of the girl in the snow.

[Robert Kelly]

And then my friend. My friend, who's actually a karate guy, he was like, dude, he was yelling at me, fight back, man. Don't take. He's trying to motivate me.

[Christine]

Yeah, get him a body bag.

[Robert Kelly]

And then I would just remember him at one point when. All right, dude, he's done. He's Just get off him. And he put me in my. My Hyundai 5 speed. I had to drive home with one foot. I had to shift gears with one foot.

[Christine]

Oh, the clutch.

[Robert Kelly]

The clutch. And I had to go home, and I had to go to the hospital.

[Christine]

The hospital.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, dude. It ripped all the ligaments off my ankle. I really fucked up my ankle. That. That little injury that I went to the hospital for was the reason why

[Lewis]

later the day in the.

[Robert Kelly]

The. I broke my knee, dude. Was from that injury.

[Christine]

Do you. Do you now have a newfound respect for how Rip handles problems in cowboy boots?

[Robert Kelly]

I have a big respect for that show.

[Christine]

I'm nuts deep in the Dutton ranch, by the way.

[Robert Kelly]

I couldn't. I had to. I had to. I couldn't watch last week's episode.

[Christine]

Why?

[Robert Kelly]

Because when they had. When they. For spoiler alert. So you got 10 seconds. When they did what they did to the cattle, I. I could. I just could. I was. It made me too sad. Oh, me too sad.

[Christine]

Gay.

[Robert Kelly]

Really? I didn't. They. They had to.

[Christine]

Did the kill their whole herd of cattle?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but they.

[Christine]

It's like by shooting them, Rip had

[Robert Kelly]

to go up there and shoot every single.

[Christine]

Well, I gotta be honest with you. There's probably a much easier way to do that without having to sit there and individually shoot everyone in the face. I don't know. Something.

[Robert Kelly]

Look, light him on fire.

[Christine]

Maybe there's no.

[Robert Kelly]

There's only one humane way to kill an animal. It's a bullet to the head. We can do individually.

[Christine]

I also don't believe Samurai. The way he was just cocking and shooting though. I was like, he's not hitting them all. Some of them are just hurting for a little bit.

[Robert Kelly]

That's Rip, dude. He's right on.

[Christine]

No, come on. I don't remember him being a crack shot. Was that a crack? I don't remember they were mentioning that before.

[Robert Kelly]

He's a crack.

[Christine]

I will say this. The show is light on nudity.

[Robert Kelly]

Yep.

[Christine]

The violence is good. And what I'm actually having a hard time with though. And you've said this too. The conversations between Rip and Beth are so. It's like Shakespeare lines to each other. Well, what they did, baby, we gotta get getting good while good is worth getting. What the fuck are you talking about? Did you just crack a fortune cookie?

[Robert Kelly]

And this is the problem. This is the problem with Marshalls. The show Marshalls rules is that every time Casey speaks, it's a learning lesson. At the end of every. They have to.

[Christine]

That he gives a speech. At the end of everything.

[Robert Kelly]

They did the they did.

[Christine]

That's why pedophilia is wrong. Until next week.

[Robert Kelly]

Taylor Sheridan's not writing it though. That's why he's out.

[Christine]

Dun Ranch.

[Robert Kelly]

He's out.

[Christine]

He's not writing it.

[Robert Kelly]

Not Dutton Ranch. And he's not writing.

[Christine]

Yeah, but they always sort of talk to each other. He always sort of talked like that. But now it's getting like. Do they have any conversation where he's just like, yeah, yeah, I'll take some coffee? Like it's always like, you want coffee? Goes. As much as the morning comes up every day and I get to see the star gaze upon your face and I swear we're gonna. Things are gonna be okay. I would in fact like some coffee.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, dude. Every. There is. They try to have a moment with every. The end of every scene is a really a lesson to be learned.

[Christine]

How did this dumb who was raised on a ranch have all these philosophical answers for everything that said the father?

[Robert Kelly]

He learned them all from the father, John Dutton.

[Christine]

John talking philosophy too? Because that sucks.

[Robert Kelly]

John Dutton used to talk. He would have. He would say cool shit, but he did it sparingly. It wasn't. It wasn't as. It wasn't as. I think right now the writers are just taking that formula and doing it too much. Every thing Casey says is a fucking supposed to be a moment, which is annoying.

[Christine]

Dude, feed me a betheline to. I'll be ripped. Give me. We got to make this work, Rip.

[Robert Kelly]

We gotta make this work, honey. We. We got nothing else to do, baby.

[Christine]

Only thing working for is if you're gonna work to make it work. But if you don't work for what's in your heart, there ain't no point working at all.

[Robert Kelly]

Maybe that's a lot. That's a lot of work.

[Christine]

Yeah, well, man, we got work to do.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you know the sun? The sun?

[Christine]

Hang on. Chicken got in the room.

[Robert Kelly]

You know, the son in Dutton ranch. He's English.

[Christine]

That doesn't blow my mind. He also aged like a. Like he went through a time machine. And then he also. Taylor Sheridan. I'll tell you where he did pop in for one of the meetings. He goes, hey, can we get a girl that looks underage half naked again, if possible. Yeah, just some real side tit and really some good shots right up her gooch and asshole.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll tell you something. Taylor Sheridan has a type of.

[Christine]

And it's in every underage blonde.

[Robert Kelly]

Every. Let me tell you something. A type in every show. But here's the thing. The guy, the son in Dutton ranch aged way better than the son in Marshalls. Casey's son. Look, bring up.

[Christine]

Oh, yeah. Casey's son got ugly, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

He. He.

[Christine]

I think you kid busted adult.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he's got. He's got acne. Where. I think they got him on that drug that dries his lips out because. Cause every scene, his lips. It makes me thirsty. I can't. I get thirsty when I watch the show.

[Christine]

Cause his dry ass lips.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, his dry ass lips make me thirsty. Bring him up. I feel bad.

[Christine]

It's cause they kept it. He's part of that inbred family. Rip and Beth adopted Carter.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but Carter aged. Now that's cute. Go to him in a scene now. Just type in Casey's son ugly.

[Christine]

Yeah, Casey son ugly.

[Robert Kelly]

I have his name now. Let me get her name. Yeah, type in.

[Christine]

Type in his name and ugly, please.

[Robert Kelly]

It is. It's. It's uncomfortable how ugly is. Well, it's just. You can tell that he has. He has really bad acne. They have too much makeup on him and his lips are dried out from whatever. Whatever they're making him take.

[Christine]

I don't watch this show but I will say this. You're being a little hard on him. But I know what you mean. But you could still be a good looking.

[Robert Kelly]

That's not. Now get a scene.

[Christine]

He looks like Cooper De Jean. And don't you dare say a bad word about how he looks.

[Jacob]

Here we go.

[Robert Kelly]

I. I hate watch the show. No, that's him in a. Yeah, zoom in if you want. He's just so.

[Lewis]

You liked Yellowstone but you're both hate watching Dutton Rand.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I'm not hating. I like that you're right.

[Christine]

I'm gonna hate watching it all. I like it a lot. She's gonna be great. Ed Harris is going to be great. Annette Benning's great.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, Annette Benning's fantastic.

[Christine]

Everything. The connections they have already that the asshole guy is great.

[Robert Kelly]

And guess what? Guess what. But there might be. They're saying there might. They're setting up a connection between Landman and Dutton Ranch. There might be a crossover.

[Christine]

That's a smart move because he's there in Texas now.

[Robert Kelly]

They're in Texas now and if you understand.

[Christine]

Cattle shit's going to shit.

[Robert Kelly]

Cattle shit's going to shit. But they also. They have the cartel connection in Landman and there's a cartel connection in Dutton Ranch with. With Annette Benning's ex husband. There's some type of drug shit going on. So there might be a connection which would be great.

[Christine]

Juicy, I think you're being rough on this kid. I think if he was in a boy band he'd be getting already.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, I'm telling you right now, his lips will make you thirsty.

[Christine]

Maybe. For sure.

[Lewis]

The hottie in that show is Natalie Alen Lind.

[Christine]

She was in what show?

[Lewis]

In the show. The Dutton Ranch.

[Christine]

You're watching it?

[Lewis]

No, no, I just. I saw it in a promo because I know her from. She was in a show called the Gifted which was an X Men show that was on before you do it back to Marvel.

[Christine]

It'd be less creepy if you just watched the show instead of just finding out what teenage girl is naked on it.

[Lewis]

She's 25, by the way.

[Christine]

Oh yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

How old was she in the other show?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I don't know. Jacob, you're 49. Yeah.

[Christine]

How old?

[Jacob]

You found out about her?

[Christine]

Has she been naked? Has.

[Lewis]

I guess. I guess I won't tell you all any facts.

[Christine]

No, I don't care about facts. I just don't know if she's been naked.

[Robert Kelly]

Don't be a baby. Just tell us.

[Lewis]

Oh, no. And that. No, it was a Fox channel. It was a Channel 5 show. It was a Fox TV show.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, it was a good show. The blonde and the Marshalls. Not so good. Little dumpy. There's no. There's no. The hot chick in the Marshalls is supposed to be the two Marshalls, but they're not. And they have a blonde that comes in with Casey. But she's a little. She's not. She's not a Taylor Sheridan.

[Christine]

Approved.

[Robert Kelly]

Let's put that way.

[Christine]

There she is hugging her own tit.

[Lewis]

She's got ginormous tits.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, she's hot, dude. She's hot. And they have a sex scene this week, which is great.

[Christine]

Yeah, yeah, they sucked it out a couple times.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, that's not her. That always pisses me off.

[Christine]

Well, it was an AI, but it was. It was. But it wasn't supposed to be her.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, we try to look for actresses, titties. It always has some type of AI or something. And it scrolls down. It was just a big meat curtain. And I was, like, excited that.

[Christine]

I don't think she has big beefers like that.

[Robert Kelly]

No, a big beef.

[Christine]

Oh, wait, hang on. Fairpello leaks. 11 photos. If you wouldn't mind, please.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, all right. What's her name again?

[Christine]

Something, something. Ellen.

[Jacob]

Jacob knows.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he knows her middle name.

[Lewis]

I meant name. How am I supposed to, you know her real name?

[Robert Kelly]

Anders.

[Christine]

Oh, it's gonna be a boring fap. Hello.

[Robert Kelly]

No, keep going.

[Christine]

No, no, Keep going. No, keep scrolling. Worthless stupid from the show. Panties, ass cheeks. We just saw this from the show. Nothing, blah. Nothing boring. Stupid, sucks. No beaver, no ass crack.

[Robert Kelly]

The one thing about Yellowstone that was great is the first episode Beth walks out nude. And you see her fully naked, which was the hottest thing ever. And for regular tv, they got away.

[Christine]

They got away from what made them.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, Beth's tits.

[Christine]

Why is Beth not naked anymore? She looks pretty good.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, she looks good. She looks good. RIP got a little heavy, which I like. I don't mind. He got a little heavy.

[Jacob]

It's weird knowing he's a douchebag. It is weird watching the show a

[Christine]

little bit of a Douchebag.

[Jacob]

Hire a guy that yells out at comedy clubs. He was a dude.

[Robert Kelly]

He's not supposed to be at a comedy club. He's an actor, man. You gotta.

[Christine]

He's a rancher.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he's an actor, rancher, cowboy. Now he's. You can't.

[Christine]

And crack shot.

[Robert Kelly]

Don't forget crack shot. And you know, he's not supposed to be at a comedy club. You gotta cut him a little slack.

[Christine]

I bet he takes Rip home with him. That's what sucks about him. I bet he brings Rip home.

[Robert Kelly]

I hope he does.

[Christine]

Honey, whatever you made is gonna be good enough for me.

[Robert Kelly]

Baby, I made. I made.

[Christine]

Whatever vittles you have for me is gonna be good for me. I gotta get up in the morning.

[Robert Kelly]

I made lo mein tonight. I got a recipe off of Facebook. Is that okay with you?

[Christine]

Baby, whatever you made for me, as fine as it comes from your heart. When it comes to my heart, hell, everything tastes good.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, dad, can you help me with my homework?

[Christine]

Well, what I know about math can fit into a thimble. But I gotta tell you something, son. I'm here for you. And if what you need is me to go down there and do that with you, hell, I guess I'll be up in five minutes.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, dad. Dad? Dad, can I get an electric dirt bike?

[Christine]

When a man's journey becomes a man's journey, he needs to get out there and fly. Of course he's gonna need something to fly on, son. I'll get you that there bike. But not because you won it, because you earned it.

[Robert Kelly]

Thanks, dad.

[Christine]

Hang on. The chicken got in the house. Get out of here. Goddamn chicken. Stupid chicken.

[Robert Kelly]

It's very heavy on the. On the meaning, the meaningfulness of the word.

[Christine]

I can't believe he doesn't say words like thou and thee. I think, declare the.

[Robert Kelly]

It's. It's the writers. The writers are just taking that thing that Taylor could do good because it was authentic. He believes in authenticity. And these writers are just doing it.

[Christine]

Saturday, we not. I just saw way down the list. It should have been number one on the list.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Christine]

We shouldn't waste any of our time around with Paco or talking about all this.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me guess.

[Christine]

Praying.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, at the. Oh, boy. For people that don't know. Voss is in Israel for the last week doing shows with other. What do they call them?

[Christine]

Jews.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah. I was gonna say comedians. And he posted today on his wall.

[Christine]

Oh, my God.

[Robert Kelly]

Him out of the wall. I believe this is the. What is this, Jacob? What is this? The tear The Crying Wall or the Wailing Wall?

[Christine]

Yeah, the Wailing Wall.

[Robert Kelly]

But here's the problem with the photo. Number one, he's. All the other people at the wall are just have their head against it. They were in a yarmulke and they have the hands upside down, palms up and they're saying prayers from their hearts. And then you have Voss with a. Not a yarmulke. He has a golfing hat on backwards.

[Christine]

Backwards.

[Robert Kelly]

Apparently they ram ran out of yarmulkers in Israel. They don't have. They don't have a. At the Wailing Wall. They don't have a bucket of yarmulkes. You can just take one out. And then he shades.

[Christine]

He's wearing a fucking Jew cape. He's got only person for miles with tattoos covering his body.

[Robert Kelly]

He's wearing. He's got tattoos. He's got all his diamond bracelets on and his rings and his bottle of water that he couldn't have left in the car.

[Christine]

Boss couldn't be buried in Israel, let alone a Jewish cemetery.

[Robert Kelly]

And he's reading out of the book of.

[Christine]

He's slobbering on it and he has.

[Robert Kelly]

And he can't. He's not. He. He barely can read.

[Christine]

I know.

[Robert Kelly]

And then he has the. He has the GoPro wrapped around his forehead.

[Christine]

No, no, no, that's the Tefillin.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, his is a GoPro. He's actually.

[Christine]

This might be a GoPro for sure.

[Robert Kelly]

He's doing a little vlogging while he's there.

[Christine]

He's got on a tefillin. He's reading at this thing now. Can we get into these comments?

[Jacob]

Kinda looks like he's reading Twitter.

[Robert Kelly]

I guarantee it's not. It's not a joke book. It's not his. It's not his notebook.

[Jacob]

Are you also you supposed to wrap your arm?

[Robert Kelly]

But he can't.

[Christine]

Well, you can't see his tattoos then.

[Robert Kelly]

But he can't.

[Lewis]

It's the other arm.

[Jacob]

His other arm.

[Christine]

Elon Gold.

[Robert Kelly]

But why would.

[Christine]

Other than Elon Gold writes, other than when you married Bonnie. I've never been more jealous of you. Really? Really. I mean you could just go to Israel, which is probably relatively dangerous at this point, and go stand in front of the wall and read a book like Voss. It's not really a jealousy issue.

[Robert Kelly]

Tell you where it's real dangerous.

[Christine]

There's something you can. Something you could do.

[Robert Kelly]

Palestine's more dangerous than Israel.

[Christine]

Depends who you are. Jay Moore just says simply beautiful.

[Robert Kelly]

Does he really?

[Christine]

Look,

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, look, this is a good thing. Because hopefully he'll stay and teach the word of Moses to the other Jewish kids.

[Christine]

Don't touch your neighbor's wife.

[Robert Kelly]

Bonnie, I'm gonna stay. I'm opening up a comedy class in Israel. We need to take over.

[Christine]

Who do you think liked it? Oh, Aaron Berg, of course.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, you're talking all. I mean, look.

[Christine]

Oh, God. Sorry.

[Robert Kelly]

What was that?

[Christine]

Christ.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he is. He's going all in.

[Christine]

Yeah, he's got to start posting some funny stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

That's pretty funny, dude. Okay. I don't know if you get funnier than that. I mean. I mean, comedy's perspective, I believe. And when I saw it, I literally went, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Look, look, look, look. And I sent it immediately to the chat.

[Christine]

Yo, we need to have. I see on this, too. Finoya on Talk about Dude, the picture I got of him fake laughing, and I think Mary Ellen Hooper was one of my favorite things ever. He's just head thrown back, mouth open, laughing.

[Robert Kelly]

I only saw two seconds of it because I didn't want to. I wanted to watch it live on the show.

[Christine]

There's only so much of it.

[Robert Kelly]

I know, but he did. What is he. Does he get two jokes, two breaks?

[Christine]

What does he get three jokes?

[Robert Kelly]

Get three jokes on, which is perfect. That's good. Usually get two, but he got three, and I wanted.

[Christine]

They all did five.

[Robert Kelly]

I want to see a transition. I want to see the transition, how he handled the. The Byron transition.

[Christine]

They're pretty. They're pretty standard, like, so, Mike, you're married. Yeah, stuff like that.

[Robert Kelly]

But I want to hear his transition from that. Where he went from, hey, you're married. Huh? And then I want to hear how he handled that, knowing what he knows, what we know, and what we've talked about.

[Christine]

Should we do comics unleashed and have him give us, like, crazy, like, tell him the feeds we need and then. But never do, like, jokes having to do with that. Like, so, Jay, I understand, like, you've been collecting marble since you were a kid. I'm like, marvelous. What the fuck you talking about? No, I used to work driving for strippers back and just, like, going to something other story or something. Every time he goes, he goes. So she goes, shark attacks are back again in the news, huh? And I go, I don't know.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Robert, you baby talk with your wife? What, are you gay? No, I don't do that. What's wrong with you?

[Christine]

What? Oh, and they just do other jokes about different things. No, but I mean, like, last year's election was pretty crazy. Am I Right. Like, I don't know what the fuck that's got to do with Marvel Collection.

[Robert Kelly]

New York is being run by a socialist. Have you seen that? What the fuck?

[Christine]

Hey, Byron. I'm sorry, I don't know if you have the wrong notes over there, but. Okay. I was gonna talk about getting a dog recently. I don't.

[Robert Kelly]

He would still laugh. Oh, go ahead. Talk about the dog.

[Christine]

My bad, player. That's not a good Byron Allen impression.

[Robert Kelly]

No, that was a good DL impression, though. You're locked into the DL.

[Christine]

No DL's up in the thing.

[Robert Kelly]

There you go.

[Christine]

Gotta get on the scratch.

[Robert Kelly]

I said what I said and I stand by what I said. Do that when I said that. When I do that. That's true spiel. Because I got to do that. I love true spiel. Truth spiel.

[Lewis]

I've been doing your slow motion thoughts, Jay, putting your fingers through your hair. Every time I wanted to think something, I put my hand through my hair real slow.

[Robert Kelly]

Knew we done up Paco. You have to take his video, putting his hand in and you have to add Jay actually saying, oh, God, I did say the N word a lot. I. I do love. Do they. Do you think he knows that I like little kids? You have to put that on.

[Christine]

Oh, no. Oh, no. Comedy Rich Voss's own profile. New special Amazon comedy legend. Over a hundred television appearances.

[Robert Kelly]

One hundred. And you're at a wall crying. Oh, Voss.

[Christine]

Oh, Voss. What are you doing out there?

[Robert Kelly]

I'll tell you what he's doing. He's doing what he's supposed to do.

[Christine]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

Making us laugh.

[Christine]

Going back to. Going back to the motherland.

[Robert Kelly]

Going back to the motherland. What if he comes back and he gets all his tattoos removed? Becomes that guy? Him and Modi tour the world.

[Christine]

Oh, dude, you think he's trying to jump on that Modi money because Modi fucking came out of nowhere and is famous. Well, he in his own, like, lane, but I mean big.

[Robert Kelly]

He decided to go during the pandemic to all the Hasidic Jews and that used to come to the cell, used to come to the Cellar. And he started doing all the. And he founded people and he doubled down and he's. He just sold out Radio City. Radio City. And he's killing it. You got to find the people. I already say that. Filipino people is your people. Stop trying to get Jay's people. Fat white people with ironic shirts and hoodies. You need to get those. Aren't your people my people.

[Christine]

If you were full, heavy, hardcore Asian, you could.

[Robert Kelly]

You want Middle Aged Republicans. That's not your people. Those are my people. You need to find your young little Filipino chubbies that will treat you like Manny Pacquiao.

[Christine]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You'll become. You got to start doing that.

[Christine]

You gotta go to a village somewhere. You have to use money to bring electricity to a village.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Stop hanging out with us. Go hang out with Joe Coy. A fluffy dude. Those are your guys.

[Christine]

You should be with Joe Coy.

[Robert Kelly]

You should be with Joe Coy.

[Christine]

I've tried. Maybe you should also join bts. I've tried that too.

[Robert Kelly]

You really tried to get with Joe Coy? No, you gotta go. You gotta get with Joe Coy, dude. He's your man. Imagine. Oh, if you open for Joe Koy, you guys gonna love you.

[Christine]

You guys could both be in the Jabberwockies costumes.

[Robert Kelly]

That's true.

[Christine]

He used to break dance, dude. He comes out with the Jabberwock. He's on his big show. He did.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Dude, that guy is the biggest guy in the world with your people. He just did a 70,000 seat arena in front of a bunch of people that look like you.

[Christine]

I know. Shane's about to beat it in Philadelphia by 1,000 people with a bunch of

[Robert Kelly]

people that look like him.

[Christine]

Yes, yes, they will look like me. It's also going to be in my hometown where they all look like me.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. My people are almost dead. It's hard to find my people. I lost my shot with my people.

[Christine]

I wonder if Shane show is going to be filled with Eagles jersey still. It's just a stadium. There's going to wear their Eagles jersey.

[Robert Kelly]

Are you doing it?

[Christine]

Huh?

[Robert Kelly]

Are you doing it?

[Christine]

I'm going to it for sure.

[Robert Kelly]

You got to go.

[Christine]

Yeah. No matter what. If I do it, that'd be great.

[Robert Kelly]

Paco, tell me this. Jo Koy. This is Jo Koy's comedy show. Tell me this is not you.

[Christine]

Paco. Don't act like you don't want to be a Jabberwocky for five seconds, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

You come out as a Jabberwocky. And then he goes goes my opening act. And you take the mask off and you're like what's up? And they flip out. And then you jabberwocky away to fame.

[Christine]

Some of my friends were actually jab walkies when I lived in Las Vegas.

[Robert Kelly]

The connection's there.

[Lewis]

What is happening?

[Christine]

Joe Coy, his entrance when he did Dodger Stadium is right here. He's one of the Jabberwockies.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. So far, buddy. You could do. You could do this, man. This is you. This is up.

[Commercial Announcer]

Why?

[Robert Kelly]

It's already been done. Dude, it's not been done. It's just been done. What, are you gonna still fucking fight people at Skank Fest? It's not working.

[Christine]

You think comedy only has room for one person doing a full dance routine to start their comedy show? What, you think it's crazy?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, dude, you gotta start getting your people, man. Do you know any. You know any language?

[Christine]

No, dude, I'm so whitewashed.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God. Lewis really fucking made you a piece of shit.

[Jacob]

You could do the accent.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, do the accent.

[Jacob]

You have to speak the language.

[Christine]

Oh, yes. No. What the hell was that?

[Robert Kelly]

I tell you what, he's a racist. Yeah, Lewis made him into a racist. Look at. Look at Joe.

[Christine]

Tell me.

[Jacob]

I mean, if that's not an entrance, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what he does? I'll tell you what he does. I like the way he moves on stage. Just like you. Look at this dude. This guy's killing. Oh, come on, dude.

[Christine]

Who knew?

[Robert Kelly]

Paco? Tell me that doesn't get your little uncircumcised penis hard.

[Christine]

Paco. Very, very cool. This is so sick.

[Robert Kelly]

This is Jo Koy on stage. It looks like a concert with around, I don't know, 15 jabberwockies around him. He was one of them.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And then they rip off the costume and it's him.

[Christine]

And then he has to go. So I was stuck in traffic the other day.

[Lewis]

I was thinking, how do you trace

[Jacob]

like a Jabberwocky?

[Robert Kelly]

I wonder what his first joke was. How do you come out of that? You got to give the old.

[Christine]

Well, it's going to be a bunch of like, give it up for this. You got to do all, like, the cheerleading. You can't just go. You can't go.

[Robert Kelly]

Whoo.

[Christine]

He goes. That was fun. Yeah, I'm having weird relationship things this year. You know what's nuts about my kids? Jebber walking.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I mean, that stage is nuts. It's got a big hundred thousand foot Trinitron behind him. Oh, my God. Jay would come out and just put a stool down and go, what's up? How you guys doing?

[Christine]

Put me on all three screens.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, that was wild, right? Those guys.

[Christine]

What's up? You want to take a break so you can jack us all off?

[Robert Kelly]

You want to jack us off, Jacob? Okay, awesome.

[Christine]

All right. I could use a hj.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll take one. I'll actually just not take one. I'll watch you have one.

[Christine]

Okay. Whatever makes you come. I like the way Paco moves.

[Robert Kelly]

We Gotta get Paco with Joe Corey. We gotta get.

[Christine]

We do.

[Robert Kelly]

We gotta get you a shot at this.

[Christine]

But buddy, we need to make a Peaches Rodriguez style stand up comedy slash dance audition tape.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, Christine, we go to Next Gas digital tapings. We're gonna do a Jabberwocky dance. Paco, half hour.

[Christine]

Yeah. You're only showing. You're not showing enough of your skills. Yeah. Paco's dancing. Dancing. Comedy jam.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes.

[Christine]

Oh, my God. Dance, dance. Paco. Lucian.

[Jacob]

I'll do a Lip Sync battle.

[Christine]

Hell yeah.

[Jacob]

Just dance their asses off.

[Christine]

Guess where Bobby Kelly's gonna be on the road? I'll tell you in a second.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll tell you where I'm gonna be.

[Christine]

I'll tell you in a second. It's going to be a governor's in Long Island. Levittown, Long island, to be exact. That's June 19th and 20th.

[Robert Kelly]

Listen, I have to drive out there at like one o' clock in the afternoon to show up. Listen, it takes a lot to go to Long island in June. A lot. I have to go out there and sit in a car, smoke a cigar in a chair behind the place for three hours, take a nap. So please, it's tough. Come out.

[Christine]

Then the mothership in Austin, July 3rd through the 5th. After that, he's going to be in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, Saratoga Springs and Brooklyn, New York. For tickets and all tour dates, visit Punchup Live, Robert Kelly and check out Bobby's new YouTube channel, Robert Kelly Comedy. And of course, every Tuesday night, 7pm at the Fat Black Pussycat Lounge at the comedy seller.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, Portsmouth is selling out. It's a very small club, so make sure you get your tickets if you're coming. Now, Big J is going to be at Spokane, Washington, the Comedy Club. Spokane Comedy Club this weekend, June 5th and 6th. And then the Pantages Theater in Minneapolis. Wow, you're doing the theater, huh?

[Christine]

Two theaters one weekend, I believe so.

[Robert Kelly]

You're doing. You're doing the theater, not the club.

[Christine]

I'm doing Boise that same weekend.

[Robert Kelly]

That dude. Good for you. Minneapolis theater, right? Theree you go, June 13th. And then after that he'll be at Buffalo, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, Winnipeg. Oh, you're moving up, kid. You're moving up right in front of us. I'm excited.

[Christine]

I should push that Boise gig. Thank you, Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

And then he's gonna be. He's all over the place. BigJ.Comedy.com. listen, you had your chance to see him in a small venue. It's over. He's gonna be going to theaters and then one says.

[Christine]

Says the 13th in Minneapolis on what you just put up. We're giving bad info, I think. Go back. Go back to the plugs.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, we're dealing with this real time. Let's take a break and figure it out. BigJComedy.com make sure you see him. Christine's gonna catch a nice face to the glass during the break. Shit. We'll be right back. It's the bonfire.

[Morgan Stewart]

Hey, everyone, it's me, Morgan Stewart, and I have a new podcast called the Morgan Stewart Show. Join me each week as I talk about pop culture, fashion, my personal life, and just a warning, I'm gonna be giving my opinion on everything. I'll also have some really fun guests to join in on the fun. The Morgan Stewart show is out now. Listen and follow wherever you get your podcasts or watch full video on YouTube.

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