Airb N Pee with Mike Finoia

Summary

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: Airb N Pee with Mike Finoia (August 29, 2025)
Guests: Mike Finoia
Main Theme:
A classic “Bonfire” hangout with Big Jay, Bobby, and guest Mike Finoia riffing on aging R&B stars, the wildness of themed cruises, bodily functions in shared spaces, the awkwardness of hiring help, and disgusting Airbnb surprises—all with their signature mix of savage honesty and gleeful silliness.

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Episode Overview

This episode centers around the absurdities and social dynamics of R&B nostalgia cruises—specifically the legendary Tom Joyner Cruise—awkward encounters with cleaners and Airbnbs, generational differences in concert expectations, and the universal trauma of unexpected bodily functions in rentals. Throughout, banter is laced with deadpan observations, musical references, and deeply inappropriate jokes.

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Major Discussion Points & Insights

1. Aging R&B Stars and the Tom Joyner Cruise

[01:05–16:00]

• Adina Howard’s Glow Up:
  Jay and Bobby debate whether Adina Howard was ever “smoking hot” and compare her to other artists like Lil Kim and Mary J. Blige.

  Jay: “Little Kim looks like a fucking goblin.” (01:20)
  Bobby: “Mary J. Blige is like a little turkey with a fucking cabbie hat on.” (01:24)

• Adina as Real Estate Agent:
  They joke that Adina now looks more like someone selling condos than a classic sex symbol.

  Bobby: “I’d rent a condo from her.” (01:44)

• The Tom Joyner Cruise Performer Lineup:
  The hosts gleefully read through the cruise’s performer roster, poking fun at acts with just a couple hits. Catty asides about Tyrese, Maze “without Frankie Beverly,” and the ever-present After 7 flood the segment.

  Jay: “If After Seven played twice on that cruise, I’d be at both shows.” (08:44)

• The Universal R&B Concert Experience:
  Jokes about how at their age, they just want to hear the three hits, twice if possible, and go home early.

2. Race Jokes, Cruise Lines, and “Reparations”

[16:03–18:00]

• Jay and Bobby riff on Carnival’s rumored tension with “Black cruises”—eventually spiraling into a satirical discussion of reparations in the form of lifelong free cruises for Black Americans.

  Jay: “That would be perfect reparations. Cruises for life for black people. We used boats to get you over here for the wrong reasons—now you get endless [cruises].” (16:30) Bobby: “And now you get to enjoy the boat on the top part while people wait on you.” (16:44)

• They lampoon the cruise’s Eastern European staff as “dick skin white” and totally subservient.

3. Comedian Lifestyle and Cruise Cabin Tiers

[34:02–36:55]

• Deep dive into cruise cabin pricing, with Jay and Bobby adamant: balcony or bust.

  Jay: “If you don’t have a balcony, there’s no point.” (34:16)
  Bobby: “The inside rooms... it’s a tomb.” (34:55)

• Mike laments being forced to shell out “eight grand for two” for a week of Tom Joyner’s R&B.

4. The Tyrese Coca Cola Commercial, Public Singing, and Subway Annoyances

[36:33–43:22]

• The crew riff on Tyrese’s famous Coke commercial, leading to a discussion about how subway musicians are treated differently by race and era.

  Jay: “Tyrese had subway bum behavior, and we celebrated it.” (38:21)
  Bobby: “The 90s were a different time.” (38:24)

• Jacob and others chime in with stories about subway mariachi bands and aggressive breakdancers, complete with stories of almost being kicked in the face.

5. Aggressive Religious Solicitors and the Psychology Behind It

[44:29–46:19]

• Bobby asks if anyone’s actually been "converted" on the street; Jay explains the Jehovah’s Witness approach:

  Jay: “It’s not to save them, it’s to save you. You can go, ‘I did everything I could!’” (45:00)

• Kurt Metzger’s background as a witness adds context.

6. Airbnb and Trailer Bathroom Disasters

[54:48–59:55]

• Mike describes entering an Airbnb that reeks of stale urine, discovering “Gatorade orange” pee in the toilet.

  Bobby: “That stink hit me in the mouth... When a smell gets in your mouth, you know?” (55:15)

• Jay relives the “Gathering of the Juggalos” trailer story, when a soured bathroom prompted panic over suspected culprits.

  Jay: “I’m always such an an asshole scrubber of my own [bathroom], because again, when they say, ‘it smells like shit in here,’ I promise you, it’s not me.” (59:44)

7. The Awkwardness of Hiring Help

[47:34–53:59]

• They discuss hiding from housekeepers or repairmen rather than watch them work; Bobby and Jay both prefer to leave the house.

  Jay: “I sat outside for three full hours just to not be near them.” (47:58) Bobby: “Is that that we just don’t think that we deserve people helping us?” (48:32)

• Christine recounts returning home to a house cleaned but “everything just slightly off.” (54:26)
• Hilarious riffing on cleaning expectations, incompetently-made beds, and “slave work.”

8. College Gross-outs and Cleanliness Trauma

[60:51–63:11]

• The pain of swallowing someone’s cigarette butt in beer leads to lifelong cleanliness neuroses.

  Mike: “I had one college experience that changed me forever with keeping clean... I took down like two cigarette butts and a mouthful of wet ash…” (60:51)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jay on Adina Howard:
  “She was like, look, I’m not stunning, but I will suck your dick on the roof of a car in front of all your boys.” (01:46)
• Bobby on cruise cabin tiers:
  “You’re in a cell on a boat.” (34:57)
• Jay on reparations:
  “Now you get to enjoy the boat on the top part while people wait on you. Exclusively white staff—real white you could really hate.” (16:41)
• Jay on service staff:
  “I sat outside for three full hours just to not be near them. I can’t just walk around and be like, hey, do you guys mind if I watch TV while you scrub my fucking floors?” (47:58)
• Bobby on Airbnb horror:
  “That stink hit me in the fucking mouth. When a smell gets in your mouth, you know?” (55:15)
• Jay on being accused of stinking up the tour trailer:
  “That is why my concern in life always is when they go, this place smells like shit, it must be Jay.” (59:44)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Riffing on aging R&B stars and the Tom Joyner Cruise line-up:
  01:05 – 16:00
• Race, reparations, and cruise lines:
  16:03 – 18:00
• Cruise cabins and comic class divides:
  34:02 – 36:55
• Tyrese’s Coca Cola commercial & subway singer etiquette:
  36:33 – 43:22
• Religious solicitors’ true motives:
  44:29 – 46:19
• Hiring—and hiding from—housekeepers, and cleaning neuroses:
  47:34 – 53:59
• Airbnb “used toilet” nightmare:
  54:48 – 57:11
• Trailer bathroom drama at Gathering of the Juggalos:
  57:12 – 59:55

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The Bonfire’s Tone & Vibe

The episode stays rooted in rowdy, unfiltered, often inappropriate but always hilarious conversation. The crew has little concern for decorum, and makes even the grossest stories into comedy gold. The episode is rich with nostalgia, pop culture call-backs, and the sort of “just hanging out” feel that Bonfire fans love.

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For Listeners Who Missed It

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to be a stand-up in today’s world, to feel slightly ashamed hiring people to clean up after you, or to walk in on some stranger’s ancient bathroom deposit in a rental—this episode is pure Bonfire: raucous, real, and riotously funny.

Transcript

[A]

When work gets crazy, I like to stop by the bar after, have a few cold ones.

[B]

I don't drink at all until 4 o'.

[A]

Clock. We limit ourselves to one bottle of wine a night. Excessive drinking has a way of sneaking up on us. A few drinks, a few nights a week, it can add up. And suddenly we're at greater risk for long term problems like heart disease, cancer and depression. Reason enough to rethink the drink. More. More at Rethink the Drink dot com.

[B]

No ha.

[A]

Initiative. I don't mean to interrupt your meal, but I saw you from across a cafe and you're the Geico Gecko, right? In the flesh. Oh my goodness. This is huge. To finally meet you. I love Geico's fast and friendly claim service. Well, that's how Geico gets 97 customer satisfaction. Anyway, that's all. Enjoy the rest of your food. No worries. So are you just gonna watch me?

[B]

Oh, sorry. Just a little starstruck.

[A]

Be on my way. If you're gonna stick around, just pull up a chair.

[B]

You're the best.

[A]

Get more than just savings. Get more with Geico.

[B]

And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[A]

I was saying this to Black Lew outside that Adina Howard was never smoking hot. So she has the go. Bring up Adina Howard today. Still a pretty lady because she didn't have to go to any extremes. Little Kim looks like a fucking goblin.

[B]

Oh my God, dude, she scared me at the show.

[A]

Mary J. Blige is like a little fucking turkey with a fucking cabbie hat on. They all have fallen to pieces.

[B]

Yeah, Dina Howard looks like a real estate agent now.

[A]

Dinah is a pretty lady. See what I mean? Yeah, it's just still holding it together. Nice. Yep. Yeah. Totally, totally super happy with that.

[B]

I'd rent a condo from her.

[A]

I think she was selling sexy more than classic. Like Halle Berry pretty. I mean, she was like, look, I'm not stunning, but I will suck your dick on the roof of a car in front of all your boys.

[B]

Because she's a freak in the morning. Freaking ain't.

[A]

Do you know what she needs, Mike?

[B]

What?

[A]

Do you know what she needs? Yeah, she told you in the song. Do you remember it?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh. What is it? You don't hear black women when they speak? Wow. Wow.

[B]

I heard it.

[A]

Wow. Hang on. I gotta walk away from the microphone for a second for dramatic.

[B]

She's got tour dates coming.

[A]

Dude. You don't care about black women and what they look like. Oh, damn, damn, damn, damn. Look at these days, the microphone's picking up my distance.

[B]

Damns.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

You can catch a Dina Howard in Wichita, Memphis, Cleveland, Richmond, Biloxi, Columbus, oh.

[A]

And the Tom Joyner Cruise. Who's on the Tom Joiner Cruise? Christine.

[B]

Bro.

[A]

Tjc.

[B]

Can we get booked on that?

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

They need comedy.

[A]

Let me tell you something I want to get into. I don't know. We may have already talked about this on Tuesday. We'll figure it out organically, but I'm just putting it out there in the world because Terminator timelines. Yes.

[B]

Look at the fucking dork on that.

[A]

I need to see the ass on those.

[B]

Please, not that color. You can't rock that color.

[A]

No, no, but I need to see if the ass has the lines that really hug my ass. I want to show. No, I only have dent. The only part where I have any muscle in my ass is the very top. I have the dents up top. The rest is just a flat, awful ass. But these dents, if you really hugged in there with those seams. They make workout pants now that have them to its right. It's. It's gripping your ass. It's like every. The lines are going towards your ass crack.

[B]

Is it roushing? And they call it. I think.

[A]

Is that the word? Is it roushing? Christine?

[B]

D A U S C H I.

[A]

N G All right, who's performing on the Tom Joyner Cruise? This is exciting. Whoa.

[B]

Katt Williams.

[A]

Mary. Mary. No idea what that is. Neo. I've heard of him. Cat Williams. That's where all the money's going. That's 100% of the money.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is that. Tyrese is going to come for some reason. Cholera, can you roll up Christine? Tyrese is just going. And by the way, when he sings, he's just Tyrese. When he's fast and furious, he's Tyrese Gibson. Is that how it works?

[B]

Cheryl Underwood.

[A]

What the hell is Tyrese gonna do? Oh, he sings, right? I'll tell you what. Every time he would stop singing. If I was on the Tom Joyner Cruise, in my heart, I would want to go do the Coca Cola song, because that's what got him famous, right?

[B]

We already did that. Do it again.

[A]

Remember that commercial when a black guy just gets on listening to his headphones and singing top volume, and all the white people just accept it. That's what they should have shown was the people's faces going, like, I don't. Can you say something to him? I don't want to say something to him. He's probably dangerous.

[B]

What a weird cruise.

[A]

I would lose my. If some guy got on singing beautiful R B on a bus I was on. First time I ever got on a subway train and flamenco band got on there and I almost screamed. I was so scared. I didn't know what it was. This is a dream. What's happening? Who does this?

[B]

I want to go back to normal. Philadelphia.

[A]

No, but there's no. The subway system was foreign to me and I didn't bus around Philadelphia. I lived in like a walking place. You walked and biked everywhere. If it was far, you biked. Or your. Or my mom had to drive me.

[B]

Yeah, where the talented hung out around trash cans.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Take me back.

[B]

Take me back.

[A]

You got to sound good. Damn, dude. There's going to be some soulful sex happening on the Tom Joy.

[B]

Lots of long strikes.

[A]

Underwood. First of all, Dina Howard's going to get everybody all boned up.

[B]

Yeah, dude.

[A]

Freaking the moment. I'm freaking the be.

[B]

This is the type of cruise that Candyman would be on. Knocking the boots absolutely melting your mouth not in your hand.

[A]

Skip Scott. Body rocking, flopping, knocking, rocking the boots or something like that.

[B]

Undercover lover and a soul brother man. On the other hand, introduce me to your mother.

[A]

I like trivializing musicians and their amazing art. I kept doing. I was making Lewis laugh this weekend because we're going to see A system of a Down. Yeah. And corn in like two weeks, whatever. Next week, I guess. And we were doing like their songs. I was like, I like system of a down a lot. In concert, though. The first time I ever saw them made me. It's what kept him at bay from being one of my favorite bands of the time ever was because the guy talking bands talking about government. Just sing the song, dude.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And I was like, bring on the song. Prison song by them. It's such a great example of their thing. Me and Lewis just kept singing it. And if you know that song at all. I don't think so. Utilizing secret wars to pay for drugs around the world. Drugs are now your global policy. Yeah. Oh, after seven.

[B]

Shut up. Yo, Jay Brown.

[A]

I'd be front row for after this is time. I'm back to the Tom Joyner crew. Sorry, but I'm shot out of a cannon today. After seven. Ready? Yo, I'll put that on, Lou. This is having sex with an older put together, thick southern black lady.

[B]

Church picnic sex, dude.

[A]

After seven, you know, this is baby face's brother and his friends.

[B]

Even baby your face here.

[A]

Christine. Laughing. These are fun facts that I have to make her Memorize. And now it's your guy's burden. Yeah. Oh, look at Black Lou. Remembering hell. Yeah.

[B]

This is songs your mom blew your dad to.

[A]

Nah, lose dad left. This is songs. This is songs your mom would cry to looking at a window, waiting for him to come back.

[B]

Songs your mom blew your dad, your dad's best friend to.

[A]

I. I listen. I should be embarrassed the amount of times I listen to songs like this. Alone by myself in the car. Not sad, not sad. Believing I'm also nailing it. Turn it up, Louis.

[B]

Reaching for that star and pulling it down. This is cover one ear and harmonize music.

[A]

Oh, yeah, just fucking three smooth ass brothers in suits. Have I worked this out myself in a shower before? Probably. Then falsetto brother comes in. This guy barely got his fucking pleated suit pants off before his dick was getting sucked backstage.

[B]

The worst is when you come before the talk down.

[A]

Oh, I need this, Lou.

[B]

Should we stay in this after a.

[A]

Full weekend of clown rap? I need a little after seven.

[B]

Wow. This is sorbet right now.

[A]

Oh, that's the guy right there. Dude, that guy shaves his dick hair. Noah Hitler mustache. You can't be that smooth and not pay attention to your dick hair. Lou, you lucky son of a bitch. You have a black girlfriend. Sex her up to this. Yes.

[B]

I was just thinking that she probably loves this.

[A]

Absolutely. You guys are learning how to like this one hand planted and the other one on your own ass. Like this.

[B]

Dude.

[A]

She watched.

[B]

She watched her Aunt Sexy dance at a wedding as a kid.

[A]

Baby, it's your little girl. Call her a little girl a lot too. They love that little girl. It's all yours. Oh, the joke. Look, yo. Damn, man. If After Seven played twice in that cruise, I'd be at both shows. Is there another hit by after seven? There's another one. Tell me one other hit by after seven. Oh, wait. Go, Christine. Go back to that. Go back to that other. No, go back to the other page. Til you do me right. I don't feel like I'm gonna give a shit about any of these. Never mind. Go back to Tom Jordan's cruise. Let me see who else I'm excited about. For one song only, they really lean. Someone's gonna come to the buffet and go, dude, After Seven's doing ready? You're not on the poop deck. Oh, God.

[B]

Pull up my nachos Bivins of Belle. Biv Devoe is upstairs sitting in with After Seven.

[A]

Yo, Biv and Devoe are upstairs. Belle couldn't get a passport in Time.

[B]

Belle got detained by ice.

[A]

Belle fell off over in the Caribbean.

[B]

They found ketamine in Belle's bag.

[A]

All right. Dina Howard. Damn, dude. We know what she's laying down. Hell, yeah. That dude she definitely waxed her for this trip. She's hoping Eric Benet, who is Halle Berry's former husband. Right? He held up pretty good looking. I mean, Christina will get so excited. Tmf, formerly Maze. Why did they change their name?

[B]

Yeah, if you're gonna change it, don't.

[A]

EMF where they were.

[B]

Let's guess.

[A]

Too many. What's the word for black dudes? Too many. Too many. Too many. Too shit. I'm out. What did Maze do? M A Z. We was their hits.

[B]

Maze changed their name to 2 the Music Forever.

[A]

Oh. Because they had a breakdown in communication with new management of Maze.

[B]

They go. They go, hey, you know what? Want to know how to shelf this argument? We're going to change our names. Come back, same people.

[A]

Oh, it's. It was Frankie Beverly and Maze. I remember that.

[B]

Frankie Bevs. Those are the days, dude.

[A]

What did. Frankie Beverly. Amazing. There's something. We know there's something.

[B]

Frankie Beverly.

[A]

There's six to seven black people listening to this show. I want to make them proud of me.

[B]

Look at. Oh, they still perform the iconic Maze catalog.

[A]

Yeah, of course they do. That's why you don't just end up on the Tom Joyner Cruise, because you're going to try out all your new shit, dummy.

[B]

You don't win this. Dude.

[A]

I'm starting to feel like you don't even know who Tom Joyner is. And just for argument's sake, Christine, can you bring up Tom Joyner to just prove who he is to Mike, please? Whoa.

[B]

Maze is funky.

[A]

Hmm. Okay, so this is good. This is gonna get fucking mama and pop up on the dance floor.

[B]

Yeah. This is sick.

[A]

It's gonna make him remember. Do you think old, big, huge black wieners require more Viagra?

[B]

Probably, yeah. I mean, it's a. It's a. Yeah, of course.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's a thing of like, you know, a bigger engine needs more fuel.

[A]

It's a good lie. You could tell people, though, it goes, do you have a big dick? I go, how? You tell me I gotta take like two and a half Viagra.

[B]

What does that mean?

[A]

You. You tell me. I don't know. That's what it takes for my fucking huge cock to get hard.

[B]

You know how it says adults take 1 to 2, 2 to 4?

[A]

Oh, yeah. He's like a radio personality, right? Tom Joyner Yes. Is he? He seems very pleasant. He's not a hard hitting guy.

[B]

I want to know more about this cruise.

[A]

Yeah, get back to the cruise performers because so far I'm pretty excited, but I've only been pretty excited for two people.

[B]

Kevin Ross.

[A]

That's how. That's a lie. I'd go watch Tyrese and I will keep screaming. Do the Coca Col. Always Coca Cola. Kevin Ross.

[B]

You run into him in the. In the. In the cafeteria.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What are you getting to drink, buddy?

[A]

He's like, I'm just gonna get some lemonade, I think. Nah, do the thing.

[B]

Come on, dude, pour it out.

[A]

Do the thing. What was Paul Walker like? Kevin Ross. That's somebody's nephew. They're hooking up. Yeah. Oh, that boy can sing. J.

[B]

Brown in his wedding cake hat.

[A]

J. Brown. No idea. But I'll tell you what, that's a nice hat. A nice big flat brim hat. It holds a lot of appeal to me. If you could pull it off. Corey Holcomb rocks that a lot too. Go down.

[B]

Is that swv? No.

[A]

We just saw SWV at Wu Tang. Remember? They came out swv.

[B]

That's right, they did.

[A]

I think it was just S and V. Brownstone. I have no idea who that is.

[B]

Me neither.

[A]

But the one girl's got tits painted on there. Where? Dungaree shirt.

[B]

Yeah. And one's got legs for days.

[A]

Wow. This. I'll tell you what, the list of performers really tails off.

[B]

Eu featuring Sugar Bear.

[A]

Oh, nice. Oh, Eu. That's the butt.

[B]

The butt. Doing the butt.

[A]

That's doing the butt. By the way, K's face more say without saying words. Just give me, give me, give me that butt. Give me that brownstone do.

[B]

Dude, all these en vogue kind of spin offs.

[A]

If I love. Great. If this girl wants me to prove that I love her, I'm gonna give her some hard truths. You're gonna have to grow that hair out. Yeah. I don't like your bald head. It's intimidating and it's gonna make my white family uncomfortable if I bring you to meet them.

[B]

Why do you look like season four?

[A]

My family's not racist, but they don't want me with a militant black woman. I can tell you that.

[B]

You got season four Greg Brady hair.

[A]

Hey, listen, my parents are really cool, but your hair is gonna make them uncomfortable. I can tell you that. They think you're gonna be coming in judging these. Put mayonnaise on earthing. Stop. Don't come to my parents house with your these Put mayonnaise On Earthing hair.

[B]

Your casserole do.

[A]

Oh, man. There's so much lotion in her hair. For sure.

[B]

Say it. Motherfucking. Do it now.

[A]

Do you think black? What is it? Blackstone?

[C]

Brownstone.

[A]

Brownstone? Blackstone's what you cook on the best grill ever. Thank you. Then what's their name? Two family.

[B]

Raise ranch. Brownstone, dude.

[A]

Brownstone. Brownstone. Wait, like the house? Yeah, got it.

[B]

Brownstone.

[A]

Is that you think that's what they all went in on together when they got the money from this one hit?

[B]

Does one of them have a funny name like. Like, Earlobe? It's like, do they have, like, a left eye in their band? Do you know what I mean? Do they have one fun like Planners Fasciitis.

[A]

If they open with this song, if this. If they open with this song, the echo in the emptiness of that room. After everybody leaves, they're gonna look up, they're gonna go. They open with that, they're gonna start looking up. What are some other Brownstones song. What are they gonna close with? Then they go, oh, do it again. They're just making an artistic choice, and I'm leaving.

[B]

And I'll tell you what, it would be the most satisfying concert because we both just went through this.

[A]

I know, Mike. What would happen, though, if we went to podcast and they fucking came out and they were like, guys, we're gonna do those three songs you want to hear right away. We'd have been like, dude, I'm gonna be asleep before 11.

[B]

Remember when we were at Toto and Christopher Crush? Toto did. They should have just played all the hits twice.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

I mean, literally, I could have heard.

[A]

Rosanna and Hold the Line again. What cruise line is Tom Joyner Cruise Line on? Because I don't know if you've heard the news, but Carnival Cruise Line doesn't want blacks anymore.

[B]

Is that true?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, they said in a. A wordier way.

[B]

But, yeah, because of all the fighting.

[A]

Well, Mike, I know. I don't know if that was the reason you.

[B]

I saw videos.

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

Stop it.

[A]

Oh, boy. Why? Because they don't know how to act.

[C]

It is Carnival.

[A]

Why? Because it's terrifying to have them all together on a big boat.

[B]

You said that. I didn't.

[A]

You're worried they're gonna have a flashback and rebel.

[D]

I mean, this goes directly against Carnival's Carnival.

[A]

How would that. Wouldn't that be reparations?

[B]

What?

[A]

That would be perfect reparations. Cruises for life for black people. We use the boats to get you over here. For the wrong reasons.

[B]

Now you get endless.

[A]

And now you get to enjoy the.

[B]

Boat on the top part while people wait on you.

[A]

While people wait on you. Exclusively white staff. Eastern European white. Like, real white you could really hate and are afraid of.

[B]

You dick skin white.

[A]

Yes, dick skin white.

[B]

English people.

[A]

A beige, pink, Scottish blotch type white where you can really bitch them around. And they. And they don't. And they take it well. Yeah.

[B]

You're like getting a massage from a Scottish golfer.

[A]

And they were like. And they. Even when they do the right thing, they're like, right away, sir. And you're like, MC sir. I would just keep. I would just make it difficult for him all day long. And they go, MC sir. He goes, DJ sir. Oh, you think we're all MCs. Oh, this guy thinks we're all MCs because we're on a boat for free because we're getting paid back for slavery.

[B]

This is a long cruise too, huh? 1926.

[A]

Seven days. I'm so. What do these people think people want to do it longer for?

[B]

I know. Give me two days on a cruise and I'm done.

[A]

Damn. Me and Mike would have took a dinghy to shore by the third day. I was ready to make a.

[B]

Make a dinghy out of POD fans.

[A]

Dude. I'd have been able to decide, yo, can we lower one of these things down? How many people are on this? You need every one of these dinghies.

[B]

Can you give me one of your cigarettes? I could set this boat on fire. I'd ride a shark home before I stayed on that boat one more day, dude. Jesus Christ.

[A]

God made us earn it, though.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

We did not get home quick.

[B]

No, we didn't. I remember that hotel.

[A]

It's Carnival. It's on Carnival Cruise Line. Yep.

[C]

Liberty.

[A]

Oh, my God. See, black people can't line dance to fucking if you want me say it.

[B]

Is there any. Can you see, like, the events and stuff? Do they have, like a schedule?

[A]

Mahogany. Nice itinerary.

[B]

Itinerary. Here we go. Port of call, full day at sea.

[C]

Oh, this doesn't have the actual.

[B]

The fun stuff.

[D]

But then you say, jay, if it's like a charter, then you could do whatever you want.

[A]

Sure.

[D]

So then he's Tom Joiners making the rules.

[A]

Absolutely.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, no, you.

[D]

As soon as this cruise is over, Carnival is going back.

[A]

Oh, oh, oh. You might be right. I get what you're saying. And yeah, you may be right. Whoa.

[B]

Meth and Red were on it.

[A]

Yeah. A different time.

[B]

Yeah, I know.

[A]

Now you're gonna get maze without Frankie Beverly. And I wouldn't care if Frankie Beverly was there.

[B]

But now that I know he's not.

[A]

There, I know he's not there. Now I'm getting. I know I'm getting a watered down version of Frankie Beverly in Maze. Frankie Beverly.

[B]

They just canceled.

[A]

That's like going on a cruise ship to go see the news or the range. Serious. Bruce Hornsby in the range. No, we couldn't get Hornsby on the boat. Just the range. What?

[B]

I'm here to see the satellites. Georgia couldn't make it. They just canceled, I think. Is it Michael Franti? You know that dude? Spearhead Michael for one of those hippie bands. He got accused of sexual misconduct. He did it and they canceled his whole cruise. He had a sold out boat. Nice of all fucking, you know, half devil sticks and hacky sack tournaments and.

[A]

Shit on the sexual assailants.

[B]

And they. They canceled it.

[C]

What's the name of the band?

[B]

Spearhead. Michael Franti. F R A N T I. He's some like reggae ish, you know. You would have heard it.

[A]

Do they have it's cause you did, son. You did.

[B]

So damn guilty.

[A]

That's right. Stephen A. Hey, Stephen A. Smith, 2028.

[B]

Oh man.

[A]

He said on Bill Maher. He goes, I'm considering it. Please don't. That's nitwit. What are you doing?

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

Yo, I see Gaza and Israel is a lot like the 2006 Super Bowl.

[B]

Victoria Canal. A singer who toured with Franti's band.

[A]

Now Gaza is an undermanned Giants team coming off the 9 7th season. They weren't supposed to be there. It's like you spitting in people's faces telling them it's raining.

[B]

Then you get Palestine. Boomersia. Shit gonna change now.

[A]

Putin's like Tom Brady down by the Z of 2012. The people started turning on him, but he still was a hero locally.

[B]

Come on, Stephen A. What season Tom Brady are we talking here?

[A]

2012 Tom Brady. You know what top Tom Brady I'm talking about?

[B]

We don't want to address the big elephant in the room, but we ain't.

[A]

Gonna run from it today.

[B]

It's because you did something.

[A]

You did some.

[B]

Tom Brady's starting to look like.

[A]

Stephen A. Smith commentates on everything. He can't be. He's a sports guy now. They're like, what about politics? Oh, and then also what about Will Smith? That's got nothing to do with fucking basketball or sports. And then he does a whole sit down like a 30 minute thing goes, I'm gonna talk about Will Smith. Why aren't you the Sixers old in house announcer.

[B]

He did a thing, the guy, Gary Breca, that. That saved Dana White and Joe Rogan and all them. Stephen A. Did a thing about him too.

[A]

How do you save him? What do you mean?

[B]

He like this guy, Gary Breckett worked for insurance companies where he would tell people, he would tell insurance companies, don't insure Jay because he's based on the algorithm. He's gonna die at like 50. You're. You're a liability. You're.

[A]

They're gonna.

[B]

We're gonna lose money insuring you.

[A]

I feel that's true.

[B]

I know. That's why I pointed to you. Oh, and.

[A]

But he goes, me, Megan. Sure, Megan.

[B]

But he. But this guy goes, Breckett says, why don't I do this for better, AKA make money. And all these rich people. Dana White went to him and had like 7 million diseases, was on a million pills. And Gary Breckett took his blood and did the tests that he would do for the insurance companies and did the reverse of it and goes, yeah, you're gonna die like in the next two years, basically. And here's how you fix it. With supplement A, supplement B, this, that.

[A]

And like I happen to sell all these things.

[B]

And I happen to sell all these, of course. So he did it for Stephen A.

[A]

But did he?

[B]

Yeah, he did so. But he likes. He's. You know what this guy's thing is? Make America healthy again. He's like a big dude.

[A]

That's a really cool slogan.

[B]

I wonder where he got it.

[A]

That's dope.

[D]

I watched Stephen A. Smith when he did the when will SM not the Diddy story broke when he got arrested. It was so funny. He put. He got really emotional at one point and goes, this is bad. This is bad, y'.

[A]

All.

[D]

Lord, this. Lord, this is bad.

[B]

You know when Stephen A. Calls down the Lord, Fox shit's bad.

[A]

Foxy Brown getting gang banging the grotto.

[D]

This is bad.

[A]

I never thought I'd see today I would do that. Farnsworth Bentley did what though?

[B]

Spinning an umbrella at who put his.

[A]

Umbrella up and where. Come on.

[B]

Imagine if. Did Farnsworth dodge a bunch of cum shots with that umbrella?

[A]

That's what the umbrella was for. No one ever saw the top of the umbrella just covered in fucking. Looked like fucking birds. It was fucking bird cage, newspaper, bird cage, newspaper. I like the way you move.

[B]

That's why he would spin it. He'd spin it to Clean it off.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Try to send it. Sending it.

[B]

Boing. That's great, Fontsworth.

[A]

Bentley never speaks up, does he?

[B]

Where is he?

[A]

I don't know. Somewhere icing his probably. He's the easiest one to go. Dude, if you say anything, I swear to God.

[B]

Advil suppositories. I bet is P. Did.

[A]

He's still in jail.

[C]

He's waiting for sentencing.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Is he at Galene Maxwell's jail? That one. That.

[A]

Oh, that'd be nice.

[B]

The nice one.

[A]

I'd like to see him getting the pickleball. I'd like to see P. Did he pick up pickleball? That'd be nice.

[B]

P. Did he pick up pickleball?

[A]

Tournament? Man, the guy just liked to party.

[B]

You think he's ever. Do you think in this world, do you think Diddy makes a comeback in any way after all this dust settles?

[A]

I would say just know. Because he's too old. Oh, yeah.

[B]

But I mean, like, is someone gonna go, here's $2 million. Let's make a fucking show.

[A]

He could find it. Maybe, but I think more like, I think financially he'll be fine, though. I think here's what he can do, always quietly, is just produce in the background. And like, still people, if. If someone goes, hey, Didio produces and not even like, stamp his name on it. Half the people be like, can he stamp his name on it?

[B]

Yeah, totally.

[A]

They don'. I know.

[B]

Very true.

[A]

Like, it didn't happen. So what, you like to watch the Punisher? Fucking choke face Your chick doesn't mean the guy doesn't have an ear for tune.

[B]

Take that.

[A]

Take that.

[B]

I mean, dude, he still made mace, huh? He still made mace.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I mean, you can't learn that down.

[A]

Sometimes you gotta fucking crack a few eggs or fucking watch guys gang bang your chicken to make an omelette.

[B]

Make me feel so good.

[A]

I say that for you?

[D]

I believe so.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Sometimes you gotta fucking times, you gotta watch the oil.

[A]

Sometimes you gotta hire prostitutes to bang your girlfriend to make an omelet. Thank you. Thank you. Anyway, I'll be doing the seminar every week if you guys want to swing by again.

[B]

I'll be getting you out of your timeshares.

[A]

Transportation for the purposes of prostitution. Dude, slap on the wrist. He wouldn't have even been arrested for that initially. Oh, yeah. I mean, you know how bad my pothead memory is. Thank you, Christine, for bringing this up. I'm like, yeah, dude, this guy's gonna walk and he's gonna be absolutely fine. Oh, yeah, I forgot There is a thing of him violently beating a woman up in a hallway. That's probably gonna stick a little, but it didn't stick with me. I'll tell you, there's a good chance I could hang out with P. Diddy for three hours and then leave and go, dude, why would you talk to him like that? When he beat that chick, I go, oh, fuck, he beat that chick up, right?

[B]

Forgot about that.

[A]

Damn, did I smoke too much pot? I forgot he gave.

[B]

He had her into a step over.

[A]

What is the strain of weed that makes me forget Men's misgivings.

[B]

Dude. What, what, what? Confidence in that towel knot too.

[A]

I'm smoking sour. Didn't do it. Gelato. That's my strain of weed. Oh, look at her face there. She loved it. She's fine.

[B]

He kicked a conch shell onto her ear.

[A]

There were. Listen, wasn't that the thing? That was like the damning thing. I think that helped him out a lot. Was like, they just got her messages with him and he. And she was like, hey, can we do this? Can this weekend we do something? You know, it's like she's like asking like, can we do it? And so it's like, that's what I think.

[B]

It's okay. I'll punt you down a hallway on Saturday.

[A]

I don't even believe that she didn't hate it or whatever. I'm not even challenging. I'm just saying, like the damning evidence shows that she would, out of the blue be like, oh, you're going away this weekend. Can we please like do a freak off? Freak off?

[B]

Freak off.

[A]

What a gay term for it.

[B]

That's like, make him whoopee first we.

[A]

Have to say it. Seriously. He goes, he goes, I do have a phone call at 7 p. I guess I could freak off at like 8.

[B]

I got like 20 minute freak off in me.

[A]

Yeah. He goes, I can like freak off a little if you want to freak out. Can we freak off a little? And then I gotta go make a phone call, but then I'll come back and freak off.

[B]

Why don't you start yourself off?

[A]

Then I'll come in and come and freak. You already dabbed the off.

[B]

Can you get yourself off? Off's already cooking and I'll come in and freak.

[A]

Now I'm going to come in and freak you.

[B]

What do you think Diddy freaks off to musically? Oh, we got that answer.

[A]

Oh, what? The music he to. What was it? What he said, Miguel.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Oh, Hispanic music. Yeah, Hispanic music. Who calls it that?

[D]

No, that's what he watches his wife get plowed out to.

[A]

Hispanic.

[B]

That's his. That's his spectator.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I want to know what his. His. You're digging into the batter's box music.

[A]

I think it's Frankie Beverly and Mays. I think that's what he jammed down to.

[B]

I think it's a Karate Kid soundtrack.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're the best.

[A]

You could probably learn something about having sex with a black woman. DJ Lou from P. Diddy. And I'm telling you, that hand's definitely on the hip the way I showed you. I'm gonna use that and you're gonna use your non dominant arm. You're a righty, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you're gonna plant that left arm. We're gonna get that thing built up good. And then your right arm's gonna be the one guiding your own ass. God, I'm so excited.

[B]

Man, that needs a cane.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Holding on to that L5S one like you're doing.

[A]

It's. It's gonna look like you're doing. Yeah, you're doing one arm push ups. Dude, she's gonna be so hyped on it.

[B]

It's like you're at the bottom of a couch that's being moved upstairs. She's holding it.

[A]

You're gonna have to play her this part of the show so she doesn't think you've been having sex with another black woman who showed you these sick ass sensual, soulful moves.

[B]

She's like, how do you know the swashbuckler?

[A]

And then I would say present her with two tickets to the Tom Joyner Cruise.

[B]

Oh, dude, with a balcony.

[A]

Can you go infiltrate the Tom Joyner Cruise if we send you? When is it Christine, everybody? Have you noticed that everywhere you go it seems like prices are going up? They keep saying it. The grocery store, your cars, your appliances, everything is through the roof right now. Wouldn't it be nice if prices would go down? Well, at Metro, they've got your back. They've lowered their prices and are giving you a five year price guarantee on talk text and data. One line now 20% lower. Family plans also lowered. And you also get a free 5G phone, all with no ID required and no activation fees. Stop by your neighborhood Metro store, Visit metro by t-mobile.com or call to find out about their amazing offers. Bring your number. Not available if currently at T Mobile or with Metro in the past 180 days. Guarantee covers monthly price of on network Talk, text and 5G data for customers activating on eligible plan exclusions. Apply details at metro by t-mobile.com so.

[C]

I was just parking my car and then I saw you.

[B]

The Gecko.

[C]

Huge fan.

[A]

I'm always honored to meet fans out in the wild.

[C]

The honor is mine. I just love being able to file a claim in under two minutes with the Geico app.

[A]

Well, the Geico app is top notch.

[C]

I know you get asked this all the time, but could you sign it?

[A]

Sign what? The app. Yeah, sure.

[C]

Oh, that means so much. Oh, it rubbed off the screen when I touched it. Could you sign it again?

[A]

Anything to help, I suppose.

[C]

You're the best.

[A]

Get more than just savings. Get more with Geico guys. You know, running a business is complicated. There's dozens of software programs that you need and they're all so expensive. And since they come from different companies, they don't always play nice with one another. But what can you do, right? Odoo. That's what Odoo has all the software business owners need. We're talking sales, CRM, manufacturing websites, literally every kind of software and it's all on one platform. So it works together and it's quality software. So you're not sacrificing. It's simply a better experience than a hodgepodge of programs. You'd expect to pay a premium for it, right? But that's the most amazing part about Odoo. This interconnected suite of business software costs less than the mini mash of disconnected programs you're currently using. So the question is, why spend more on software programs that are less efficient when Odoo's simple software platform can handle everything for a fraction of the price? Discover how Odoo can take your business to the next level by visiting odoo.com that's o d o o.com odoo.com ever.

[E]

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[A]

And.

[E]

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[A]

What would it take to get Lou and his lady a nice cabin?

[C]

Like happening right now?

[B]

I believe it's October.

[A]

It's October.

[B]

It's my birthday, actually, so.

[A]

All right, you can go to.

[B]

I'd like to be there departing from New Orleans. So we will be there for Skank fest. Anyway.

[A]

No, that's different time of year.

[B]

That's another month early, homes. Oops.

[A]

You'd have to go twice.

[B]

Have you ever been to Cozumel or Belize? I've never been on a cruise. Guess what. You can do both.

[A]

Oh, Lou, don't listen to what I say all the time. These things are so fun, it's crazy. Don't listen to my constant complaining about what a nightmare is and how me and Mike both wanted to jump. We would have Thelma and Louise. If they said we couldn't fly out. We would have just held hands and jumped off the front of the boat.

[B]

Seriously, dude.

[A]

And just done that.

[B]

Oh, my God. About the poop crews and all this.

[A]

No, that's not gonna happen on this. Black people don't poop. Don't you know anything, dude? First of all, they're supporting historical black college and universities. So by the time you come out of this, I think you're gonna learn a step routine that's gonna knock our dicks in the dirt. Phi Beta Kappa.

[B]

Variety of energy.

[A]

Man, I just realized what a thin line it is between doing black step team operations and hailing Hitler. Did you see that? My. I went like that. And that. That wouldn't. Yeah, that would read different in a black fraternity as the only white guy doing a routine by myself that no one asked me to do.

[B]

Yeah, and I think it depends on what you're wearing, too.

[A]

Yeah. Hey, what's up? Good. Good to see you guys here at Georgetown. Now if you wouldn't mind. Sit, Pop. Hail Hitler.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

The cruise features a variety of entertainment, including. Chris, I need some pricing here. We already know he's got the time available. We got you, dude. Throw black Lou back there on the ones and twos. He's been dying to remix this show.

[B]

4K for a double.

[A]

All right. They have. Oh, a balcony room. Okay. Holy.

[B]

Look how much is sold out, man. This is four grand ocean views.

[A]

Four grand. You have to have a balcony. Yeah. If you don't have a balcony, there's no point.

[C]

I mean, interior is devastating.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Do they have interior balconies where you look at, like, the. You know, down the thing?

[A]

No, that would be awful.

[B]

I know. No, I'm not saying it's a good. I'm not saying I want that.

[A]

No, not at all. No.

[B]

So it'd just be a no.

[A]

The inside rooms have. No. The first time we did the cruise, we. I had more than once two people, like a Lewis and Dave and stuff. Like in an inside. No window room. It's. It seems awful.

[B]

Yeah. No way.

[A]

I mean, air conditioning. Air conditioning wise, it's fine. But you are like. It's a tomb.

[B]

Of course. It's a cell.

[A]

You're in a cell on a boat on those notes, so. I wouldn't do that to you. I would not do that to you at all. You'd be on a balcony, Lou. And I want you to become best friends with Katt Williams. Here's the things I need you to accomplish on this cruise to make it worth my dollar. I need you to become best friends with Katt Williams. I need you to record every second of after seven singing Ready or not. No matter how many times they do it, I want you to keep calling the members of Mays Frankie Beverly on camera. Are you Frankie Beverly? Are you Frankie Beverly? And they go, no, he's not in the group anymore. It's why we changed the name. No, I don't understand, though. But it's Frankie Beverly and you guys. What else would I want you to do? Oh, Tyrese. Nonstop doing. I want you doing the Coca Cola song behind him every time you walk behind him. And really, until he turns around and a problem with you.

[B]

What about if for a whole day, you wore a Coca Cola like, costume and just chased him around the boat?

[A]

That's a good idea. Christine, can you get to the Coca Cola commercials? I don't know if everybody knows what I'm talking about here. It was. It was Tyrese's hello to the World.

[B]

What's a quad or a triple? I don't understand what that is.

[C]

People to a room. 3 people.

[B]

2 room.

[A]

It is to seem. Oh, oh. Per passenger. Per passenger.

[B]

Oh, so this is 8,000 for you and your girl. Dude, it's not a four.

[A]

Is that how it works?

[B]

Well, look, price per passenger yelling. I'm not. I'm sorry. Was I yelling? No.

[A]

All right, dude, you're freaking the out. Don't listen to Lou. He's trying to get you on his side so he doesn't have to go on this cruise. But you want to go on this cruise more than anything.

[B]

Like hell on the sea.

[A]

And then I want you to tell Adina Howard tour, I say, don't take this the wrong way. You've held up. I want all these things on video. Oh, here we go. Dude, this is what I'm seeing.

[B]

Tyrese for a young Tyrese.

[A]

He's walking through a bus, headphones on. I mean.

[C]

Just being wildly obnoxious.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Now, if this story ends, if there was a fight on the bus and they go, what happened? They go, this white guy called him the N word. And I go, well, what happened? He go. He came in and, like, almost challenging all of us, like, he's going for it, and I don't know. The guy cracked. So no was the right thing to do. No, but I mean, like, come on.

[B]

He hit him with a Royal Crown.

[A]

Bottle on his way to the Coke.

[B]

It's a commercial for Royal Crown Cola.

[A]

Crown Coke. That's why my dad left my mother.

[B]

This is all we can afford. RC Cola.

[A]

Look at those shitty headphones.

[B]

Yeah, really?

[A]

94.

[B]

Old school, dude.

[A]

Play it. Oh, yeah. One girl is excited. If that was a video today, the bus driver would have fought him.

[B]

Come on.

[A]

Come on, player. Come on, player. You with the wrong one.

[B]

This is such a 90s video. Everyone's happy.

[A]

I know. He took this.

[D]

I've been like himself. He took the headphones off to go.

[A]

I know. All shucks. Meanwhile, I really get.

[D]

I. I nailed it.

[A]

Meanwhile, the people. The people in the row right in front of him were just like, God damn. Finally, the was that. Does this guy own the bus?

[B]

You did it, man.

[A]

Who's. Yeah.

[B]

You made this bus fly.

[A]

Damn, man. You made this better for everybody today.

[B]

Everybody wants Coca Cola ride.

[D]

When you have your headphones in and then a guy comes into the subway and starts singing at the top of his lungs.

[A]

Yeah. Tyrese had subway bum behavior, and we celebrated it.

[B]

The 90s were a different time.

[A]

You could scream at a woman to pull her tits out, and you could. If you were black, you can go cool your way into making white people accept outlandish public behavior. By the time you get to the third passenger, he's walking by, they should have been like, my man, my man. You're, like, being like, you do the thing with the Headphones. You do the motion. You go, dude, dude. Like you're singing like crazy. Laugh.

[B]

You just go, oh, yeah. Hey, I like Sprite.

[A]

There's other people here on this.

[B]

If you're on the. If you're on the train, you're on the train. And that happens. Guy walks into your car, it's belt and something out. Weird, right? What do you do? Do you get up now?

[A]

Dude, Jacob's in a karate stance.

[B]

A lot of times he does this opening a knife.

[A]

He does this at the end of it. He does the. Come here with the fingers. Come on, warriors.

[D]

Lately it's been the. The mariachi band, the whole band. Because. And I'm playing like four. Four Rock and roll song. And all of a sudden they're in a totally different time. So the drums, the beat is completely wrong and it's maddening.

[A]

It's a very specific complaint though, for. Yeah, these guys. Time signatures are all over the place. I don't know what they're doing.

[D]

Maybe you should have time signatures going at once. It's great.

[A]

Hey, Maria.

[B]

It really is.

[A]

What are you guys playing? Frank Zappa? I can't even follow it.

[B]

He goes, come on. Can't you play some Los. Meet me in the middle here, guys, huh? When the circus comes to town. Labomba something.

[A]

It's a.

[B]

He's like, how about some Santana?

[D]

You haven't experienced it, I guess.

[A]

No, no.

[D]

The time signature. Just throwing your office.

[A]

I didn't have that completely. I think when I first. I don't know what the headphone situation even was when I first got on the subway that first time, but I remember I was in Astoria, Queensland, in a terrible neighborhood. Part of it that I didn't know even existed. But I moved there because it was Astoria. And I was like, oh, it's Astoria, Greek town. But my car was stolen, robbed. There was a padlock on the front gate of the place. Cause it was. It was just wild, terrible place. And I got on the subway the first time my ex wife Carla dropped me off at a stop. It was one stop before 21st Roosevelt. Which is a weird place to stop also. Anyway, because if people live there, they have chosen pure isolation on an isolated place. They're in an island inside of an island that is. It's like a grocery store. It's very weird. It's a very weird fucking place to be. So you pick up riff raff from there and then you hit the city. But that last stop that. That Queensbridge Projects, I was like, this is the one. This is the one I'm gonna keep my eyes peeled on who's getting on and should I stay on this cart? And right when the doors were closing, a full mariachi band got on and started playing fully. And I'm looking. It was like a David lynch movie because I'm looking around. Everybody else, subway riders just heads down doing what they're doing already. Continue reading. Continue listening to what they're listening to and everything. Or just quietly just listening and not paying attention to it. And I was looking around everyone's face like, I go, who's in my fold? The whole band, please. No one realizes.

[B]

There'S a guy with a kayak sized guitar just like spinning it. Those big stupid Mexican.

[A]

David Tell said that on Skanks last night. He was like, we thought a guy was Indian. He was like, I'm Hispanic. He goes, give him a 2, 2 big guitar to play. That's great.

[B]

I completely agree with you. When your music is in a certain time and something else that's playing is in a different time, your brain is trying. It's like your brain's holding on and going, no, no, no, no, stay with this. Oh my God, I've seen these guys on the arched. I gave them five bucks.

[A]

Well, that's great, dude. Now you fed. It's. By the way, it's like raccoons now. You fed them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Happy they're aware now that $5 is a possibility from any confused, scared white guy.

[B]

Next time you're on the train, you got to pour ammonia on a cube steak and give it to him.

[A]

I have bait for these guys. I have a. I have a birria taco with arsenic for cotija cheese.

[B]

I'm gonna put some anthrax in my pollo.

[A]

Here's the thing. Now it's. And by the way, I still haven't. I'm not, still not a frequent subway person, but I've been a New York person long enough and been on the subway enough that a mariachi band get on the thing wouldn't freak me out. I would be annoyed by it.

[B]

That's annoying.

[A]

But the first time I got on, I was like, all my mind, I was like, well, I'm freaking out, but I have to keep my head on a swivel because I'm in a situation where people I can only assume get shot and stabbed regularly every. And it could always be me next. Didn't even bat around the idea of, like, performers coming on and dominating with like, and dare I say, intimidation factor. Most of those performers, the ones that Come on. The train use. Try to use a weird form of intimidation.

[B]

Oh, of course, dude.

[A]

A lot of them do like the. Thank you so much. Thank you. But there's definitely, like, the. The speech, guys, is pure intimidation. I could be killing y'. All.

[B]

You could be dead by now.

[A]

Yeah, I got the means and I got the crazy to do it.

[B]

Now there's a child.

[A]

But if y' all would just help me get to my brother's house. I'm just trying to get a bus ticket.

[B]

There's a guy walking around selling candy. You buy that candy. The people that set up shop where one guy's got a boombox, the other dude is literally, like, parkour. Break dancing on the beam.

[D]

They use the beam. And the one guy's foot came, like, slow motion right in front of my face.

[A]

Your face?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Did you say something? No.

[B]

You should have untied his laces with your teeth.

[A]

What were you gonna do? Go. Hey, man, that's crazy what you just did. That's what I would do.

[D]

I don't like the whole team. Do you want me to taking on this?

[A]

I don't know, Jacob. Break dancers don't scare me. They decide to take to the streets with the art of dance. No. All right. I know it wasn't personal, but you'd be like, you can't do it in front of me, dude.

[B]

You know what? I've been running into a lot of.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And even two today. Very aggressive Jesus people. Those are the worst people that are screaming about Jesus in your face, not blinking.

[A]

Jesus himself was also aggressive. He was a Jew.

[B]

I know, but I mean, what's their close rate, these Jesus on the street people? Does anybody go up to him and go, like, you know what, dude? You're making a lot. I'd love to hear more. Like, zero, right?

[A]

Yeah. But you know why? Oh, I'll tell you why. Though I do know the actual reason behind that. This is. It's the Jehovah's Witness theory. And I only know that from Kurt, from being friends with Kurt.

[B]

I'm dying to know when he was.

[A]

Getting out of that. It doesn't matter. They genuinely. I mean, they do care. They believe. At least if they're being genuine and crazy. They do believe in their heart of hearts that, like, it is their job to, like, tell you what's coming, and you gotta fix it. You gotta fix your shit to be right with it. But they know and sort of expect that you're gonna be like, out of here. Get out of here. And so they get to go. When the time comes, they get to go, I did everything I could. Yes.

[B]

And they go, I'm praying for you so you'll listen.

[A]

That's what it's based off of, though. It's hilarious. When Kurt told me that even young, in my, like, early 20s, I saw it, I go, what a selfish thing, actually. So it's like you think you're knocking on people's doors. It is to save them, but it's to save you. It's because if you don't tell people, right, that it's happening and you should change, you're up. So when, like, oh, you just. It's actually shitty for you to just accept you're not just going to get it and not let other people know they can have it too.

[B]

So when, when the world's burning and Jesus standing there with his hand on my shoulder and I can look up and go, I tried, man. And he goes, I know, my son.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

I saw you on the corner of 42nd and 5th with a speaker screaming at people getting out of cabs, that the watchtower is lit and the lights are on and there's a place for you, but you really need to change your ways.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And no one listened.

[A]

I tried and no one listened. He's going to take you up to heaven where you're going to find it to be probably just pretty boring for a guy like that, right? I mean, if a lunatic Jesus freak goes to heaven, what's his heaven? It's going to be boring.

[B]

Also, his heaven is hell and he needs to tell him how good heaven is. You guys want to know what you're missing out on up there? Endless pancakes.

[A]

Bottomless in room pancakes.

[B]

Pancakes in bed, in cloud pancakes.

[A]

That guy, the guy who owns governors, I think all of them but the. When I was at the Levittown one. Yeah, Jimmy, Jimmy got a guy. Super mafioso energy that guy gives off. That's so fun. But that was one of his.

[B]

Very nice guy.

[A]

Great guy. Yeah, funny. It's funny as hell's thing. But just when he comes in and tells you, he goes, I always wanted pancakes in bed. So now I got the chef, the in house chef with a pancake station right in the bedroom. So I get pancakes right from where he's making them to a plate right in front of me in bed in 15 minutes. I'm like, weird. Oh, weird. Oh, garcon, can you come in here and look at me in bed and cook me something? I'm gonna be watching TV and pretending it's not happening.

[B]

You could lean that orange juice on my haven't peed yet boner.

[A]

I can have slaves. I just can't look at them while they're working. That's how I feel about when the cleaning people come and they just start cleaning it. Christine was gone last time they came and so I was just there. I sat outside for three full hours just to not be near them. Because I'm like, I don't want to just walk around and be like, hey, do you guys mind if I watch TV while you scrub my fucking floors?

[B]

Miss the spot.

[A]

Hey, yeah. Hey, as your master, do you guys have like a hard out here or.

[B]

I have warm water if you want any.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Anybody want to slap in the face before I go upstairs to let you know I still care? You.

[B]

You got a half full soda. You guys want to share this?

[A]

Hey, you guys want to drink my piss before I waste it on the toilet?

[B]

It is hard when they come over and you're like, I'm going to go sit outside. I've done the exact same thing.

[A]

The electrician came over and I still have to leave. He starts unscrewing the panel and I leave the room and I go, just let me know when you're leaving.

[B]

What the fuck is that? Is that that we just don't think that we deserve people helping us?

[A]

It's not.

[B]

You're just that I feel like I should be helping.

[A]

It's just things in your life that you've had to do before and were not happy to do, but you were just like, yeah, no, no, I'll like do a deep cleaning every once in a while of the house. You know, every couple weeks I'm gonna go like, I really gotta like, get in here and wash this and do the showers and the tubs and everything. And now you're like, well, I could have. I don't have time. So I could have somebody do it. And then I feel like it's just that it feels finally I can have somebody else do slave, like work in my house and I don't have to do anything. It's just that simple things I. The things that I want a handyman for are hilarious. Like, hey, when the handyman's here, also, can you just get that ladder and go microfiber the screen of our television? That's up high.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't like getting on ladders.

[B]

It's heights are icky.

[A]

It's four stairs to the ladder I would need to go up on. Dude, it's not. It's Not a fucking sky mansion. It's up on the wall a little bit, but I need a ladder to get to it. And I'm like, can we just have the guy. There's a ladder. I would need to change an air filter that I have to assume at this point is just covered in nonsense. This filter is it.

[B]

Since you did you. Have you changed it since you got.

[A]

No, that's different air filter. There's intake filters also that are squares. Big squares. Right. There's the one for the AC unit. That's like a big accordion looking thing.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. And you change those that you have.

[A]

To change every month. And then also there's two things that I thought were just AC fancy, nice, bigger AC blowout things, but it's actually what sucks the air in. And there's a big. There's a big stupid.

[B]

Rob Schneider.

[A]

There's a big stupid thing that you could put in. They just. I think it's just simply taking off the tabs, sliding them over, digging this thing out, taking the other one out and the other two that we have. Taking one of them and putting it in. I don't think. I bet it's the most easy thing in the world. And I'm just like, yeah, I'm probably gonna fuck it up though. So we just have that maintenance guy or that handyman come over here and do that, buddy.

[B]

My refrigerator, the red light came on that says filter.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I throw it out and I'm like, refrigerators broke. We need to get a new refrigerator.

[A]

We had a full panic on that too. My mother had to come over and say, like, I know what this is. The filters, bro. You have to change the filter. We're like, there's no ice working. Let's burn the house down.

[B]

I got an ice machine.

[A]

Yeah, we're plugging ice thing. Like, I don't know what's going on. You just got an ice machine instead.

[B]

I plug it in and make ice.

[A]

New product.

[B]

And then I bag it and put it in the freezer.

[A]

I don't need you to make ice cream.

[B]

I don't need fridge ice. I got other machine ice. Do you guys clean before the cleaning lady comes? I do.

[A]

No. Well, I mean, we all. It's always clean. It's always relatively clean.

[B]

How often do they come?

[A]

Two weeks.

[B]

Every two weeks? Yeah, same here.

[A]

But I mean, we.

[B]

It's best thing ever, dude.

[A]

Yeah, but I'm saying, like. No, but daily it's clean.

[B]

Oh, of course. Yeah, totally.

[A]

No, you live like a college slob for sure. But me I don't choose to live that way.

[B]

Inside my microwave is just cheese exploded.

[A]

Hot dogs and no, there's also that too. When cleaning people don't do a certain thing I also hate. I mean, I farm that out. Christine, for the most part. But the fact, because I really, I just. It said it's the awkwardness of going, hey, do you guys. I noticed you guys never ever clean the window sill bottoms there on the inside where there's definitely a lot of dirt built up. Do you guys. Would you like me to put on some lipstick before you fuck me up the ass like this?

[B]

Do you like it tight?

[A]

Yeah. He goes, now what do you want? You want me to do some Kegels so I can make you come quick? Cause I feel like you're really shoving it up my ass pretty hard. Slave clean. Now.

[B]

I'm gonna be outside playing in.

[A]

My pool scrub, idiot. Yeah, I can't do that either. I can't go in the pool while they're doing. No, I think Christine suggests that she goes, oh, if you're gonna be outside, just go in the pool while they're there. I go, yeah, that looks cool. Just doing. Just floating on my back, I guess. He goes, yeah, got a couple of Mexicans in there.

[B]

You're just sitting at a table. You're just sitting at a table looking at an unturned on computer, just pretending.

[A]

To work, holding and stirring a drink with one finger like this. He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. I definitely have one of the phone head pieces that has the full microphone in front of you. Yeah, I don't know. I got a couple of these Mexicans in there. Scrub a dubbing away at the old casa.

[B]

More Mexicant if you see how bad they do, if you know what I mean. Who do you guys use emu chachas on the way?

[A]

I don't know. Don't forget the sills.

[B]

Comisa DJ sills. Want me to spray the Windex wipey?

[A]

I'll tell you what though, another thing, she's not wrong about this. They go. They do the sheets changing as part of the service. They do great. So Christina leave out sheets for them to change the bed and to go notice like the thing they make it so hilariously like. Like what Is this how you make your own bed? It's like, it's wild. She's told me about it, but I never noticed it. I never saw it before. Remake it when you just come in.

[B]

And it's just all tied into a hammock hanging from the ceiling.

[A]

It is. It doesn't make any kind of sense. Everything's sideways or the wrong direction.

[C]

Next time they do it, I'm going to take a picture of it because it's like, I can't.

[A]

No, you got to, like, deconstruct it.

[B]

And they. So they. Nope, they don't.

[A]

They almost don't tuck anything. And it looks like they put the.

[C]

Comforter, like, over the pillows. It's wild. I've never seen anything like it.

[B]

Wow, that's weird.

[A]

Do they probably make it anyway?

[C]

But it's bad.

[B]

It looks like more than one way to make a bed.

[A]

It looks like what a frustrated teenager would do to piss his mom off when she's like, you're not going. You're gonna make the bed. Ready? This. What? Covered?

[B]

I didn't even know there was another way to make a bed.

[A]

Neither did I. I didn't know either. It turns out you could just layer everything on one at a time, like a lasagna, and hope it bakes out. Right, Jay?

[B]

It's a taquito.

[C]

That was such a weird feeling. They came. I was already gone, and they came while Jay was at the house. And so I came home from this trip, and it was so weird walking in because everything was clean, but everything was just slightly off because they move everything when they clean it, and I wasn't there to put it all back. So it was just like every time I turned a corner, like, it looked like everything had been rifled through.

[B]

I think about that, too. We have a. Like, we put our in the safe. No one's gonna steal anything. Let me ask you this. Checked into an Airbnb this weekend. I walk in, nice place, but I'm like, what is that smell? It smells like old, stale urine in here. And I open up one of the toilet lids, and there is, like, Gatorade. Orange urine.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Now that's been sitting a while.

[A]

That's gonna have a stink. Stink.

[B]

That stink hit me in the fucking mouth. When a smell gets in your mouth, you know? So I took a video of it, and in the back, you hear me going, so do I put my review on Yelp or just on the app? And, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. They called me immediately. I'm so sorry. This is ridiculous. I go, is this house clean? And they go, well, obviously it's clean.

[A]

Yeah, the cleaner just has weird piss.

[B]

Obviously it's clean. I go, there's fucking orange piss in the toilet. What the fuck? Are you kidding me? So, no. Now, if that's your Airbnb, and you're renting it to me. They go, oh, the electrician came. Must have not. But we're so sorry. I goes, the rest of the house clean? Yes, we promise.

[A]

And he goes, I don't know. I think he likes to. And piss in different toilets.

[B]

I go, this guy rub his nuts on my pillow. Like, what the fuck? You know?

[A]

Oh, sorry. The plumber came. He likes to fuck all the pillows.

[B]

Oh, you know what? He does use our chargers. Oh, wait a second now. Let me ask you this.

[A]

That's our. That's our landscaper. And he also has bad diarrhea every.

[B]

Time he comes in this world of reviews, right? If that's your house, do you offer me some type of, like, reciprocity? Do you say, well, tonight's on me?

[A]

It depends, dude. What does reciprocity mean?

[B]

They do you give me something.

[A]

No, I know what it meant.

[B]

I know you know now you didn't, though.

[A]

You lost faith in me.

[B]

You're a good word man.

[A]

You did you. Yeah, they should have, right? I mean, how many nights were you there?

[B]

2.

[A]

Knock.

[B]

Checked in on Friday.

[A]

Knock. I think knock off. Half price of a day. Right?

[B]

Here's. Yeah, here's 400 bucks. 500 bucks. Thank you. So sorry for the problem.

[A]

4 or 500 bucks is a lot for a bowl of piss.

[B]

You could flush, but I mean, is it, though? The whole house stunk like old piss. You know what it had? You know, when it had a ring like, it. Like it left a ring. I had to clean the toilet. I had to get it from the piss, dude. That's how old the piss was.

[A]

Yeesh. I didn't know. Piss. Piss.

[B]

Leaves of piss leaves.

[A]

Ended up getting a. A texture to it.

[B]

Yeah, piss leaves a pain.

[A]

Sick to my stomach, I think.

[B]

Don't throw up.

[A]

I'll tell you this. Speaking of a similar thing. Why, It's. I watched again all of my fears, like, personified in some ways, and I was one of the guilty parties of accusations. There was a. They gave you a trailer. It's gathering a Juggalos for us. All of us, just one trailer. Me, Tim and Lewis and Zach hung out in our trailer. He didn't have his own, I thought because he was there with, like. He's there with production. Who, Zach.

[B]

Oh, right.

[A]

So he was hanging out with us and we had, like, Tom and G. Mike with us and went in the trailer, hung on there for a while. When the first time we left the trailer together, Tom points out. He goes. Oh, man. He goes, Zach just went into the Bathroom. Before, when we walked out. When I was walking out, I saw Zach going into the bathroom room and, you know, make some joke. I'm like, boy, I hope he knows you're not supposed to in an RV at all. And he. And we left, and then we came back in. When we came again, smelled like, brutally every second of the entire rest of the time we were there. Brutal. I mean, like, spicy. Like that sour.

[B]

Stomach acid.

[A]

I was trying to explain. It smells like. It was like. It was like citrus.

[B]

Oh, no, that's bad.

[A]

And I was like, fucking Zach didn't know. And he. Shit. Now, I was holding this accusation firm in my mind for several hours, and then Lewis brought it up in front of Zach. Of course, he was like, jay's committed that you just shit in the thing. And I was like, I don't have another answer for what's going on. And Zach said to me, he goes, dude, I know you can't shit in RVs. I didn't. And there is no toilet paper in the bathroom. In fairness, probably for that reason they do that. No toilet paper in the bathroom. And no, it's extraordinarily small.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Bathroom. So when he said he didn't do it, I believed him. But again, the point of all that was, it made me feel immediately bad because I was like, that is why my concern in life always is when they go, they go, this place smells like shit. It must be Jay. That's my concern. I just did it. I did it. And I believe Zach. But. And also, in fairness, the reason we thought it was that if they said G Mike had gone to the bathroom before we left, and it was G. Mike, but it wasn't just that. But I'm just saying, like, how much it also sucks to go. It's putrid. It must be Zach. And I'm like, no, it's not what I mean, because you went into the bathroom. But I'm saying, like, that feeling is.

[B]

Like, was that the first day?

[A]

That's why I'm always such an. An asshole scrubber of my own. Because again, when they go, it smells like shit in here. I go, it's definitely not me. I promise you, it's not. I've done everything in my power to make sure it's not me.

[B]

I'll tell you what. We lived in a very tight apartment, the three of us, and, yeah, Christine smells like shit. Your asshole. We did a pretty good job of keeping that place not funky like that. Like, there was. There was a book of matches. Always to light a match after Shitting. Which is the best neutralizer.

[A]

We also had a. We had a window bathroom.

[B]

No, I know that, but that doesn't always help. It definitely does help with the. But sometimes that almost makes it worse in a New York apartment because it blows it into the kitchen. But we had. Remember there were days we would scrub the. Out of that place. You know, we kept it pretty clean.

[A]

Yeah. But I said, no one here is like a dirty person. You get started with the people who don't give a. About like that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like the. A young Kurt Metzger would just be like, hey, do you mind if I put this. Do you want to put this bucket of dirt somewhere?

[B]

I had one college experience that changed me forever with keeping clean.

[A]

You were raised by your football coach.

[B]

I was raped by a garbage bag.

[A]

Bag. God damn it.

[B]

We had a table, big octagon table in our apartment in college. And we would smoke butts in the apartment, and we would put them in cans, you know? And I remember I walked outside, smoked a joint. Whatever came in, went to drink my beer, and took down like. Like, two cigarette butts and a mouthful of wet ash. And I was just like, oh, God. And I ran outside and vomited everywhere. And I'm like, I can't. And from that point on, and it wasn't a conscious decision, but it was like a. When we would be drinking in our apartment, I'd walk around with, like, a trash bag and, like, go empty the cans, throw them out while we were. So just keeping the place somewhat clean while we. Instead of waiting till tomorrow morning, I had to keep going around because that taste and then going for that millisecond going, is this a cigarette? But yes, it is.

[A]

The memory of the taste is what it'll get you almost every time.

[B]

Makes me.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, I've had that. You could still. When you still smoke in Caroline's comedy club.

[B]

Oh, that must have been a dingy room when you could still smoke downstairs like that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, for sure. But I remember sitting in the. In down there and smoking when I first started smoking, even. And Patrice would make fun of me for it. And it was such a double hit of terrible things happening while I was. This is. Tickets weren't quite as expensive then either, but still pretty. Yeah, but he had taken my. When I got off stage, I see that he had taken all my cigarettes and wet them and then put them back into the case. No, but that was just a simple. You saw, and you're like, oh, you ruined them. You know, Go outside and get another five dollar pack or whatever, but like. Or he would give me five, you know. Sure, sure. Yeah. I think he was also making a moment of like what the you doing smoke stop kind of thing. And then I was bummed though, because again, I was broke. So you're like fuck, man. Like my cigarettes are all going there. And then I grabbed my beer and like took a swig of it and I forgot that that beer was like pretty empty. And before I went on stage, I had put in the cigarette and I just felt that like the paper like hit your lips and you go. It's not even that the cigarette wet cigarette butt touched your lips. It's that it's made like some sort of a broth. I totally do. That's. And I. It definitely, definitely ingested something of that.

[B]

It's like garbage stew, dude. It's disgusting. It's got like a grit and then it's in your tongue grooves. Oh, I still feel it, dude. I still feel it.

[A]

For dates, go to punchup live slash. Mike Finoya F I N O I a subscribe to Mike's podcast. Are we old? He just did a bunch of episodes today.

[B]

Yes, I did.

[A]

You're having fun with the show?

[B]

Loving it. Nostalgia.

[A]

Yeah. And make sure you follow at. Are we old? A R e W e old on all socials and follow ikeFenoya. Bobby has a gig in October. I'll tell you about another time. It doesn't matter really. Right. Comedy to Carlson. You got plenty of time for tickets. I think it's two months away. Bobby's gonna be in Rochester and then Skank fest and then also doing New year somewhere.

[B]

Bobby's gonna be at his kids graduation eventually.

[A]

Guy knows how to live life, man. Yeah, take it sleazy. Not me, everybody. I'm grinding it out. Making sure I get to you and your city this week. Stress factory. Oh, I get to sleep at home. That nice Dave Temple gonna be there with me. Dylan's coming out. Probably have some guest spots. Popping out all weekend. Maybe. Crackle, crackle Keep on crackling Keep on crackling Crackle on cracklers. I think I just wrote a fish song. I don't mean to interrupt your meal, but I saw you from across a cafe and you're the Geico Gecko, right? In the flesh. Oh my goodness. This is huge. To finally meet you. I love Geico's fast and friendly claim service. Well, that's how Geico gets 97 customer satisfaction. Anyway, that's all. Enjoy the rest of your food. No worries. So are you just gonna watch me eat.

[B]

Oh, sorry. Just a little starstruck.

[A]

I'll be on my way. If you're gonna stick around, just pull up a chair.

[B]

You're the best.

[A]

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[C]

Did you know 39% of teen drivers admit to texting while driving? Even scarier, those who text are more likely to speed and run red lights. Shockingly, 94% know it's dangerous, but do it anyway. As a parent, you can't always be in the car, but you can stay connected to their safety with Greenlight Infinity's driving reports. Monitor their driving habits, see if they're using their phone, speeding, and more. These reports provide real data for meaningful conversations about safety. Plus, with weekly updates, you can track their progress over time. Help keep your teens safe. Sign up for Greenlight [e-mail] podcast.