Big Angus w/ H. Foley & Kevin Ryan Pt.2

Summary

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The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly

Episode: Big Angus w/ H. Foley & Kevin Ryan Pt.2
Date: November 20, 2025
Guests: H. Foley & Kevin Ryan (“Are You Garbage” Podcast)
Summary by Podcast Summarizer

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Overview

This lively episode of The Bonfire, hosted by Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly, features a riotous hang with comedic duo H. Foley and Kevin Ryan of the “Are You Garbage” podcast. Set in New York City, the conversation is an unfiltered deep-dive into their blue-collar upbringings, embarrassing childhood photos and stories, and the unique dysfunctions of their families. Packed with raunchy honesty, self-deprecating humor, and a steady stream of inside jokes, the four comics riff on everything from their mothers’ youthful escapades, humiliating early makeout stories, wardrobe choices, and the untouchability (or lack thereof) of celebrity culture. The highlight: a call-in from Jay’s mom to settle a decades-old mystery about a vacation photo—resulting in hysterical accusations and mother-son banter.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Territorial Radio Beef & Evolving Traditions

[01:36–02:15]

• Bobby laments how a Philly radio bit about an Eagles theme song—something he claims to have discovered—was “lifted” by Q102 radio:

  “You Q102… I’m going after Chio in the morning!” —Bobby Kelly [02:07]

• Leads to family anecdote: Bobby’s mom dated a DJ at the station, sparking a series of jokes about her colorful romantic past.

2. Fat Kid Childhoods, Glasses Guys, and Adult Comfort

[02:31–04:29]

• The crew launches into classic “fat kid” nostalgia and “having a guy for stuff” (e.g., glasses, watches, sneakers), with playful locker-room ribbing about who “stole their guy.”
• H. Foley reflects on adopting loafers over sneakers:

  “I don’t want to wear sneakers anymore. Professionally.” —H. Foley [04:10]

• Discussion flows into fat-friendly sneaker innovations and how old age warps priorities.

3. From Scandalous Moms to Psyllium Husk: Body Talk & Family TMI

[04:51–06:41]

• A run of jokes spiraling from Bobby’s “hot mom pictures” into gut health, Ozempic vs. Zepbound, and “hard as rock” poops.

  “Diarrhea, it’s like puking outta your ass. You feel thinner.” —Black Lou [05:48]

• The guys riff on the sexual escapades and attractiveness of each other’s mothers—fueling relentless (but “respectful”) roasting.

4. “Did My Mom Bang Those Guys?”: The Banana Boat Incident

[06:54–09:12]

• Bobby tells a traumatic childhood story: his mom leaves him with relatives to vacation in the Bahamas, while he worries she’s been eaten by Jaws.
• The infamous vacation photo is dissected:

  “I mean, those guys, definitely my mom sucked their dicks… or one of their dicks—something.” —Bobby Kelly [08:52]

• The group eggs Bobby on to call his mom to “clear her name.”

5. Relentless Retro: Embarrassing Childhood Photos

[10:03–16:12]

• The comics exchange old family photos, analyzing every tragic haircut, outfit, and questionable fashion phase.
• Jay describes his room in loving detail, revealing his Star Wars and Smurfs obsession—much to everyone’s amusement:

  “Smurf towels… I started crying like a baby.” —H. Foley [10:27]

• The “mock support” is relentless:

  “You look like Aileen Wuornos… or Salt N’ Peppa in the Shoop video” —Bobby Kelly [42:29 / 54:04]

6. Comedy Life: Backstage Tales of Venues From Boston to Philly

[16:12–17:54]

• They reminisce about playing iconic venues (Wilbur, Comedy Connection) and the unique character of Boston and Philly crowds.
• Stand-up sets at Gramercy Theater spark jokes about the peculiarities of performing in big spaces.

7. Generational White Trash: Parents Hosting Teen Lovers & Family Guests

[26:14–28:10]

• Jay shares how everyone in his family ended up living with their significant others as teens (“white trash things”).

  “All of your children have had their teenage significant others move into the house at one point.” —Jay [61:32]

• Shocking to H. Foley & Kevin Ryan, further highlighting class/culture differences.

8. Infidelity and Heartbreak Tales: Friends, Girlfriends, and Betrayal

[21:00–25:00]

• The comics trade stories of friends “stealing” girlfriends, being coached through losing virginity from bushes, and getting dumped in the most humiliating ways.

  “They were in the bushes next to me, coaching… No, circle pump is no good.” —Black Lou [24:23]

• Bobby recounts a tragicomic car ride as his own girlfriend hooks up with a buddy in the backseat.

9. The Mother-Mystery Live Call (“Banana Boat” Clarified)

[48:11–60:31]

• Jay calls his mom live to finally answer: "Did you bang those dudes on vacation?”
• She insists:

  “I didn’t do anything. They drove us back from a booze cruise we were on.” —Jay’s Mom [49:34]

• The guys press for incriminating details—mom holds firm.
• Spirals into absurd, affectionate, and slightly mortifying family banter about old school shopping, sibling weirdness, and overalls with no shirt.

10. Owning (and Surviving) the Awkward Years

[40:08–46:03, 52:07–56:03]

• Roast of Jay’s teenage “weird but cute” photos with imposter MC Hammer pants and oversized shirts.
• Kevin:

  “You look like a 16-year-old girl who just had a kid. Like 16 and Pregnant.” [40:22]

• Mom-daughter sartorial mishaps and “selecting clothes from the girl’s section.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [02:24] H. Foley: “Your mom did well, Bobby. She was a beautiful woman… she did all right. She knew what to do to keep the house safe—by some cops.”
• [08:52] Bobby Kelly: “I mean, those guys, definitely my mom sucked their dicks… or one of their dicks—something.”
• [24:29] Black Lou: “They were in the bushes next to me, coaching. No, circle pump is no good. I learned it’s straight in and out.”
• [40:22] Kevin Ryan: “You look like a 16-year-old girl who just had a kid. Like 16 and Pregnant.”
• [49:34] Jay’s Mom (on the notorious photo): “I didn’t do anything. They drove us back from a booze cruise we were on.”
• [53:13] Black Lou: “You went right to the girl section… dropped him off at Forever 21.”
• [54:19] Bobby Kelly: “I did the fashion show, and my mom and stepfather laughed like the Bernie Mac crowd at Def Jam. Zero concern for my feelings. I was humiliated.”
• [61:32] Bobby Kelly: “All of your children have had their teenage significant others move into the house.”
• [57:22] H. Foley: “She’s great when it comes to sex. She’s got amnesia.”

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:36 – Show starts; beef with Philly radio Q102 over “Eagles” song.
• 02:23 – Bobby’s mom’s romantic DJ past; transition to personal stories.
• 04:10 – Foley’s “professional” loafer transition; sneaker guy talk.
• 06:54 – Banana Boat Incident introduced; was Bobby’s mom “getting it in the Bahamas?”
• 09:46 – Bobby shares more awkward/embarrassing photos.
• 16:12 – Venue stories: Wilbur Theater, Gramercy, Comedy Connection.
• 21:00-25:00 – First heartbreaks; friends stealing girlfriends; awkward sex stories.
• 28:10 – Parenting: families letting teens and partners live at home.
• 40:08 – Jay’s awkward phase, wearing MC Hammer pants, family photo roasts.
• 48:11–60:31 – LIVE call with Jay’s mom about the “banana boat” photo/mystery.
• 41:02, 54:19, 61:32 – Ongoing family/childhood photo roast, sartorial fails, and “white trash” tradition confession.

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Tone & Style

The tone is wild, crude, and loving—classic East Coast “ball-busting” with an undercurrent of honesty and warmth. There’s equal opportunity self-deprecation, and the mothers get it just as much as the hosts. Embarrassment, shame, and the absurdity of working-class family life and 1990s/2000s pop culture underpin nearly every segment. The show is a blend of reminiscing, “remember when” rants, vulgar one-liners, and actual family therapy.

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For Listeners Who Missed It

This episode perfectly captures the heart of The Bonfire: honest, out-of-control, and hilarious conversations dissecting the most humiliating and formative parts of growing up. Whether you’re into tragic teen tales, blue-collar Americana, roasting your mom, or behind-the-scenes comedy life, this is a non-stop laugh riot you don’t want to miss.

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Find the full episode live on SiriusXM’s Faction Talk (Ch. 103) or wherever you get The Bonfire.

Transcript

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[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, hey. Hey. Welcome to gift wrapping.

[Kevin Ryan]

Whoa.

[Bobby Kelly]

So is Saldana.

[T-Mobile Representative]

Hey, can you wrap these please?

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow. IPhone 17s.

[H. Foley]

You splurged.

[T-Mobile Representative]

At T Mobile. You can get four iPhone 17s on them. The new center stage front camera is amazing for group selfies. It's the perfect gift for everyone.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm the worst. I only got my mom a robe.

[T-Mobile Representative]

Well, it's better than socks.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I have to trade in my old phone, right?

[T-Mobile Representative]

No @t mobile. There's no trade ins needed when you switch. Keep your old phone or give it as a gift.

[Bobby Kelly]

Incredible.

[T-Mobile Representative]

In fact, wrap up my old phone too for my aunt Rosa. Forget that. Aunt Liz will be jealous.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sounds like my family drama.

[T-Mobile Representative]

Oh, I got it. I'll give it to my abuela. I'll take reindeer paper with.

[Black Lou]

Hey, where are you going?

[H. Foley]

To T Mobile.

[Bobby Kelly]

The holidays are better. AT T Mobile get four iPhone 17s on us. No trade in needed when you switch. Plus four lines for just 25 bucks a line with 24 monthly bill credits and four eligible board inside essentials for well qualified customers. Auto pay plus taxes, fees and $35 device connection chart credits and depends talents do if you pay off earlier cancel contact us Finance a grip in 256 gigabytes.

[Black Lou]

830 required.

[Kevin Ryan]

Visit t mobile.com and now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Bobby Kelly]

Problem with this?

[Black Lou]

You got a problem with what?

[Bobby Kelly]

I got a real problem with this.

[Black Lou]

What's happening?

[Bobby Kelly]

We have great guests. I want to give him a proper intro but I don't like this.

[H. Foley]

What's the matter?

[Bobby Kelly]

Our Philadelphia Eagles song Our Philadelphia Eagles song of this guy who I discovered. Yes. And we've been playing since well before the season.

[Black Lou]

Yeah, you discovered him, made him famous.

[Bobby Kelly]

I discovered him, made him famous. Q102 in Philadelphia is now saying a petition for that to be the new Philadelphia Eagles theme song. It's already thought of Eagles theme song over here. You can't take Our radio bit, they took it. Beef. Radio Beef.

[Black Lou]

Let's go.

[Bobby Kelly]

You Q102. And by the way, I'm going after.

[Kevin Ryan]

Chio in the morning.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that was. It was Q102 in, like, the 90s.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Q102 flipped over. That was a channel flip. At one point, my mom was banging a guy. Was her boyfriend, but it's funny to say banging a guy named J.R. who was a DJ over there.

[Black Lou]

She banged a lot of guys.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, she banged a lot of guys. But JR Was for a while. And I used to get Thriller sent out to me every time.

[Black Lou]

Months or years. Really. A couple years.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Black Lou]

That's nice.

[H. Foley]

DJ in the 80s.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then he got moved to D.C. as a DJ, and then they sort of stayed together for a little bit.

[Black Lou]

And then bang somebody else's mom.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then he banged someone. Other fat kids. Mom.

[H. Foley]

I say this. I say this respectfully, actually. Your mom did well.

[Bobby Kelly]

She did all right. Absolutely.

[Kevin Ryan]

Peace.

[H. Foley]

Right?

[Bobby Kelly]

She knew what to do. She. To keep the house safe. Yeah. By some cops.

[Black Lou]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then she knew how to keep me feeling good about myself. I didn't have a dad, but the guy. My mom's says my name on the radio every day.

[H. Foley]

That's pretty good.

[Kevin Ryan]

Who lives in Voorhees, New Jersey. That's all right.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna send you a picture. You guys can see Junior.

[Black Lou]

Oh, they're gonna send you pictures of your mom.

[Bobby Kelly]

Stop it.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I was saying more for her. She must have been a beautiful woman. She did very well.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah. No, my mom. Yeah. These are some of the pictures. I'll send you these pictures. Lou, you want to bring up young mom? Sure, sure.

[Black Lou]

She got cans.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm not texting you. All right.

[Kevin Ryan]

Respectfully. She has knockers.

[Black Lou]

That's. I think he's. Get away with anything. She's got a nice bus, right?

[H. Foley]

Respectfully, Bobby, how much money out on the street do those glasses have, by the way? Those things are serious business.

[Black Lou]

I love them. Anthony, Aiden, baby, Go down, man. Hook you up. You both should be wearing some.

[Kevin Ryan]

You got a guy. You got a glass?

[H. Foley]

I got a guy.

[Black Lou]

And you know what sucks about my glasses? You, Jay, Chris, Stefano. Fucking what Chris does. Stole my guy and then said it was his guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, buddy, just say that you found out from Chris. You text him. You didn't get it. What happened?

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a. That's a level of success when you got a guy for stuff. You got a sneakers guy?

[Black Lou]

I had. No, I don't. I don't do sneakers. I'm not a sneaker head.

[H. Foley]

So funny. I just crossed that line.

[Black Lou]

Yeah, I went into watches. I have a watch guy. I have a watch woman.

[Bobby Kelly]

You cross what line? No more sneakers.

[H. Foley]

I don't want to wear sneakers anymore. Professionally.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dude. He showed up to the studio the other day a set of loafers, and I'm like, what the fuck? Well, I've never seen them in nothing but Velcro.

[Black Lou]

I got these. You got to get these. These amazing.

[H. Foley]

Those are sneakers.

[Kevin Ryan]

Those look like Space Force.

[Black Lou]

Dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look, Bobby, those are sneakers.

[Black Lou]

These are sneakers, but they're fat guy sneakers.

[H. Foley]

No back kizzix.

[Black Lou]

This little. Little invention in the back, you just slip.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's like a shoehorn.

[Black Lou]

It's a. It's an inside shoehorn. So I just time once and forget respect.

[H. Foley]

Do you know how many times I've run out of the house with the back of my sneaker? Dude? Losing it. And once you get that cardboard in there, Ben, you're done.

[Black Lou]

I got yelled Paul Versi because the back of my thing was. My back of my Nikes would creased.

[Bobby Kelly]

Man. We used to have nudity on this show. Now listen to us talking about comfy.

[Black Lou]

We're waiting for you to bring up your mom's cans.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, I can only vamp for so long. It's not about diddies.

[Black Lou]

Respectfully, bring up your mom's cans.

[H. Foley]

What psyllium husk are you using these days? I'm a Metamucil, man. Sugar free. Right before I go to bed.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I'm gonna send you guys. There's a couple more pictures coming through.

[Black Lou]

Lou, I've been having a hard time with my poops.

[H. Foley]

Me too. I'm on a zepbound. I'm all jammed up.

[Black Lou]

Oh, is it jamming you up?

[H. Foley]

It's like the kachohak and curve back there.

[Black Lou]

Is it coming out like a coffee cup?

[Bobby Kelly]

They come.

[H. Foley]

They are. They are like burnt cookies. Hard as a rock, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

Manjaro hasn't caused. Well, I guess it's caused some pretty vicious diarrhea before, but this will get pretty fat.

[H. Foley]

From Ozempic to Zeppelin, it's like night and day. I don't know what they did. They worked on a formula. I don't feel anything. I feel good, Feel great.

[Black Lou]

Yeah, I would love diarrhea.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Not shitting every once in a while. Diarrhea is great.

[Black Lou]

Diarrhea. It's like puking out of your ass. It just clean. You feel I'm thinner.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm holding it back. Not even like. As we speak.

[H. Foley]

He's always.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's. It's knocking on the door.

[Black Lou]

You gotta. Is it a regular one or is it gonna come out? No, this is a Chinese girl after a nightclub.

[Kevin Ryan]

This is.

[H. Foley]

This is.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you ladies. If you ladies are done talking over there.

[Black Lou]

Whoa.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's my mom's big old. Holy cow.

[Black Lou]

I'm just gonna say this right now.

[Kevin Ryan]

Games owner.

[Black Lou]

She's my type of chicken.

[Bobby Kelly]

What is that? The fuck does that mean?

[Black Lou]

Respectfully. Respectfully.

[H. Foley]

Respectfully.

[Black Lou]

Respectfully is like. That's the type of girl I would go for back in the day.

[Kevin Ryan]

She's cute, man.

[Black Lou]

Your mom's pretty, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

That is a hot Philly Jewish girl.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right?

[H. Foley]

Dad walked out on that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, right?

[H. Foley]

Crazy.

[Black Lou]

Is that a onesie?

[Bobby Kelly]

It's probably a bodysuit, I would guess. Especially across her big Jew boobs.

[H. Foley]

Respectfully.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is there another one?

[Black Lou]

She looks like Barbra Streisand a little bit.

[Kevin Ryan]

They're getting more scantily clad as well, which I like.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now see if you can flip this guy right here. Because this. When I was a young man, young boy, my mom sent me one summer to my dad's brothers. So my dad was. That's a tough look. My dad was uninterested in me.

[H. Foley]

Thankfully, his brother cross camp one year.

[Bobby Kelly]

His brother. His brother was a little more interested in me, thank God, than my dad was to take me for the summer. And I'd go down to Florida for not summer, but, you know, for like two weeks, whatever.

[H. Foley]

My mom.

[Bobby Kelly]

My mom went on vacation to the Bahamas. First night of my trip, they took us to go see my uncle, Took me and my cousin to go see Jaws for the Revenge in a movie theater earlier that day, the one time I talked to my mom. This is back in. You know, you have to get a calling card to call from the Bahamas. You know, I was a kid.

[Black Lou]

Yeah, you had to dial the air. The code.

[Bobby Kelly]

She got a hold of me and told me that she was going on a banana boat that day. Opening scene of Jaws of Revenge as everyone gets eaten off a banana.

[Black Lou]

So many jokes we could throw in here. Respectfully.

[Kevin Ryan]

Respectfully.

[Black Lou]

Not.

[Bobby Kelly]

We're all holding it. Don't hold back, because I'll tell you what's coming up in this picture. What was happening while I was terrified, wondering how crying in my uncle's house. How can I get a hold possibly.

[Black Lou]

Hang on one second. Paco, get your shit together. Sorry. It's a Filipino. A Filipino.

[Bobby Kelly]

Boy, how could I. But while I'm desperately trying to get a hold of her and crying, I can't get a hold of her. These two young men.

[Black Lou]

Whoa.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just came back with my mom to her room. She says, these were great guys. We were drinking, but nothing happened. I go, this picture was taken before these guys tossed you and your stupid friend Joanne around.

[Black Lou]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Everything happened because my mom. My mom. Mom went back to college a little bit older, but she was always managed retail stores so she'd be friends with some younger people. And her and her friend Joanne went and became fucking whores for these two jag offs who own a goddamn rowboat.

[H. Foley]

Those guys are running something. They weren't just doing rowboats.

[Black Lou]

Look at that. Look at that big bottle of something that got everybody in the mood.

[H. Foley]

You know what that is? That's an empty bottle of Bartles and James wine coolers. And that is what they call a panty dropper.

[Kevin Ryan]

That looks like a picture you'd see on a Netflix documentary.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Slowly zooming in on with the beard.

[Bobby Kelly]

Your mom.

[H. Foley]

Your mom backed Jonah Hill's dad, Gary Hill. Ah, it's like the beards back then.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, those guys, definitely my mom sucked their dicks or one of their dicks, something.

[Black Lou]

Probably one and the one in the bum. Not at the same time.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay, can we get her on the phone? I've asked this a thousand times. She says nothing.

[Black Lou]

She's got to not say nothing because she can't.

[H. Foley]

She's a lady.

[Black Lou]

She's a lady. Respectfully, back then she was.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's still in that picture.

[Black Lou]

She's not a lady, but now she's a lady.

[H. Foley]

By the way, completely in her defense, she was divorced. She's in a tight situation.

[Black Lou]

Smoking hot.

[H. Foley]

Smoking hot down the middle. Do your thing, have fun.

[Kevin Ryan]

I push back.

[H. Foley]

What?

[Kevin Ryan]

The sense of comedy. She sent her only son to live with the brother in law's place. So she could go. She could go down and get.

[H. Foley]

Did you all. Was it always a situation where you.

[Black Lou]

Went to his place, I'm going to the islands.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, but my mom. My mom did. Oftentimes my mom did send me away to lay it down because when she started hooking up with and this was.

[H. Foley]

The best, probably eating her out of house at home. She had to get you out of there for a couple.

[Bobby Kelly]

More than likely. Yeah.

[Black Lou]

Jesus Christ.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well. Oh, yeah, by the way, look how molestable I was.

[H. Foley]

Oh, man, you still are.

[Bobby Kelly]

By the way. By the way, if you go to the next one, I love those pajamas, Junior. And by the way, he's wearing a B105T shirt before it became 101. B101.

[Black Lou]

Were you in the. Into Star Wars? Were you one of those kids?

[Bobby Kelly]

Me and my pop up made that Millennium Falcon model. By the way, when I describe my story of being too old, jerking off in my room, I describe my room as Smurf comforter. Smurf curtains are over there. And I very vividly describe that picture of Kermit the frog riding at 10 speed.

[Black Lou]

That explains the fingernail.

[H. Foley]

How old are you again?

[Bobby Kelly]

What are you now?

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

48 almost.

[H. Foley]

You're 48, so I'm 49. We were right there. Star Wars. The Smurfs. I remember I got a Smurf set of towels, washcloth and hand towels. And I started crying like a baby.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like someone gave you an heirloom. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I love Smurf so much.

[Bobby Kelly]

You were so moved out. Look at that guy. Junior. Dude, that guy was banging my mom. And I gotta say, he was out kicking his coverage a bit. JR Wasn't for sure. Yeah, my mom could have done better.

[Black Lou]

Yeah, that looks like the roast.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now. There's another picture I sent you. Another one, Lou? Yeah, the other picture I sent you because this was one of my favorites, too. No, you didn't get another one. Are you sure?

[H. Foley]

Holidays. Holidays are hitting Big J hard. Get emotional.

[Bobby Kelly]

Stop it.

[Black Lou]

I got pictures of J, Mom.

[H. Foley]

Those pajamas were so good. Because they were so thin. They were comfy.

[Bobby Kelly]

You got it.

[Black Lou]

Pajamas now. Sucks.

[H. Foley]

Suck. Where's pajamas?

[Bobby Kelly]

The next one's really funny. The next one's me and my father. This is the last time I dressed up. I'm wearing. I'm a baby in a velour suit.

[Black Lou]

And I love the galore.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I want you to drink this in as I show this to you. This picture is my dad. I'm so happy to see him. And he's really making a face like, I'm gonna be splitting pretty soon, bud.

[H. Foley]

I was gonna say, is the last picture. Is the last picture gonna be the back of a Buick driving down the street?

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, we had some good times, didn't we, kid?

[Bobby Kelly]

He's like, look, it ain't you, dude. It's your fucking mom being the same chick every night.

[Black Lou]

Your dad looks so cool, too.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, it's crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

He was way too cool to be bedded down at 23 years old. Well, we get. What's this? He's 22 here, so it's like too young to be sacked down with a kid. Dude, he just dumped the load. He didn't know she was going to fucking keep it.

[Black Lou]

You put on your daddy's coming over.

[H. Foley]

Suit no no, this is kind of vest on.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is him still living here. He's got about another year and a half before he was like. But that's what he say. He looks at that. He goes yeah I'm not going to be around teach you how to throw. Thank you.

[H. Foley]

Were late for a shift at Sardis with that back.

[Bobby Kelly]

Waiter. I am dressed like a. A monkey movie.

[H. Foley]

You need your ticket sir.

[Kevin Ryan]

Get back here.

[Bobby Kelly]

My dad thought I was a pet monkey. That's why I dressed me like that. Do tricks or something.

[H. Foley]

Pet monkeys were hot back then.

[Black Lou]

You had a blonde hair.

[Bobby Kelly]

When you're a little cutie patootie almost like reddish brown. Oh that's why if you look deep. Dude I'm all freckles. Which is why I'm self hating though I also hate freckles on chicks I don't like.

[H. Foley]

Really?

[Bobby Kelly]

When a girl. I've seen such pretty girls when they have like the. The skin that's more freckle than skin color.

[H. Foley]

Gotcha.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's all I'm. I'm. I. I consider them brave like to live life.

[H. Foley]

All my cousins are freckled up.

[Black Lou]

Yeah, I love. I. I do like a. Like a nice 49 year old. A little couple cancer freckles on their chest.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well sure I kind of like that.

[Black Lou]

I like a little let you know.

[Bobby Kelly]

She used to wear them out. So they had one pine. They were great.

[Black Lou]

Yeah she had them out. No sunblock.

[H. Foley]

Little skin tags.

[Black Lou]

Yeah. Just put just oil on her tits for a long time.

[H. Foley]

Speaking of kids though real. I saw a picture of your son the other day. He's growing up to be a big big boy.

[Black Lou]

Yeah, he's a big kid.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Black Lou]

I can't looks great. I can't handsome kids anymore.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I told Bobby speaking too Handsome boy.

[H. Foley]

What. What grade is he in there?

[Bobby Kelly]

Very molestable.

[Black Lou]

He's in seven. You try molesting him. He'll you.

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

He looks like he tuned somebody over.

[Black Lou]

He'll make you suck his dick.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna skits out until I get a hold of my mom and ask her if she these two guys. What is this coming from?

[H. Foley]

What you got a therapy or something?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no. Someone approaching my mom being hot when she was young. So then I started showing it pictures and then I came across.

[H. Foley]

This is before I said she was hot like outside or would just when I said it. Did I bring this up?

[Bobby Kelly]

Somebody said my mom should announce our guests.

[Black Lou]

Don't you think?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes. Who's coming on the show? Are we 15 minutes?

[Black Lou]

Yeah, around 50.

[Kevin Ryan]

Thought I was interning.

[Black Lou]

I'm trying to find a picture of my mom.

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

Please leave your.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, Christ. You know, it really hurts. But my mom used to have. Until I humiliated out of it. Finally a ring back tone. That was Sean Paul's temperature. I got the right temperature.

[Kevin Ryan]

I call my mom, jack it up and dump it.

[Bobby Kelly]

My mom slays. Dude. Our guest here joining us for the whole show. What a treat, everyone. They're going to be in Atlanta this Thursday at the Buckethead theater and in Philly at The Met on December 13th. You know them. It's the. Are you garbage boys. The hilarious Kevin Ryan and H. Foley in the house.

[Black Lou]

Are you guys not going to Skank Fest?

[H. Foley]

We are.

[Black Lou]

Oh, thank you.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, we just.

[Kevin Ryan]

We're going to Atlanta on Thursday and then we're going. We'll be there Friday.

[H. Foley]

Meet her Friday.

[Bobby Kelly]

All three nights?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yes. Yeah. No, not Friday.

[H. Foley]

Saturday, Sunday, not Friday. We're leaving Sunday morning.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're gonna miss me. Do Slipknot. It's gonna be great.

[H. Foley]

Is that right?

[Bobby Kelly]

We got masks.

[H. Foley]

Aren't they doing Comedy Jam every night?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

I might be doing a little red Corvette one of the other nights.

[H. Foley]

We talked about that last night.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think I could do it.

[Black Lou]

I can't find it.

[H. Foley]

You know we're together later too. You know that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know. Yes.

[H. Foley]

Very action packed weekend.

[Black Lou]

What are you doing tonight? You're doing something tonight.

[Bobby Kelly]

Story wars at the Gramercy Theater.

[Black Lou]

I was there last night.

[Bobby Kelly]

Comedy festival. You were there for the Joe.

[Black Lou]

Joe list. Man of the Year. Just regular show. They put a name on it. He didn't get award for anything.

[Kevin Ryan]

I thought that was an award.

[Black Lou]

No, he didn't get shit.

[Kevin Ryan]

I love Joe. And I was like, yeah, he is the man of the Year. And then it was just nothing.

[H. Foley]

Who won the man of the Year?

[Black Lou]

Nobody. There's no man. There's nothing.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's like, you know, it's like. Like meltdown. Like a show. You know when it shows a name or something like that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Come up with the name.

[Black Lou]

No, they did, they did. And he suits, of course accepted it, you know, like it was real.

[Kevin Ryan]

Should have got him a trophy or something.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Black Lou]

Oh, maybe some herpes stuff. Yeah, it was just a regular set. Gramercy is cool. It's weird doing a podcast. There is fun, but stand up is a little weird because the sound just goes up.

[Kevin Ryan]

It is.

[Black Lou]

And it's gone. It's not. It's like, am I doing good? You know what I mean?

[Kevin Ryan]

I felt that on that stage as well.

[Black Lou]

I felt that on the stage, at every stage, actually.

[H. Foley]

You'll appreciate this from your neck of the woods. We do it to Wilbur a few weeks ago. Great theater. That's not there. Ain't much better than that.

[Black Lou]

No, the Wilbur is place itself.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, the place is.

[H. Foley]

It's like they're right here.

[Black Lou]

Well, he. He.

[H. Foley]

The old club for me, but have.

[Bobby Kelly]

You ever gone to Mike's Roast Beef? That's what's awesome about Boston.

[Black Lou]

The. The Comedy Connection was the best club in the world I've ever played. It was in Faneuil Hall.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Black Lou]

And it was 400 seats, but it seemed like a hundred people. They just jammed them all in. So when he bought the Wilbur, he took out all the seats in the theater. Replicated the.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's why it's like a club in the first floor.

[H. Foley]

All right.

[Black Lou]

Replicated the club from Faneuil hall in the bottom. We also get hammered.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, it's. I mean, which, like, we came up in Philly and then New York, so it's like. That's like going home.

[Black Lou]

They let them in. It's an 8 o' clock show. They let him in at 5:30 to start drinking. And by the time you get up there, they're fucking hammered.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, yeah. We've learned.

[Bobby Kelly]

To the Boston audience. Let's get him hammered.

[Black Lou]

Yeah, exactly.

[Kevin Ryan]

We get. We'll get like DMS or whatever. Like, the, like, doors are at six shows at seven. By, like, six were getting angry DMS. It's fucking 14 for a beer in here, kids. They're all complaining about the prices at the theater.

[Black Lou]

I was there, I think the last. I went over to the club, and then I used to play the Wilbur, because the last time I was there, they had. You know, they do multiple shows. So they had Kevin hart for like, 19, 19 shows. And then they had. They had Sarah Silverman the night before Wanda Sykes. And then before me on my show, they had Anthony Jeselnik, and they had Conan o' Brien at the Wang next door. So I'm sitting up front smoking a cigar, and people just walking by going, bobby, I'm like, where you going, Conan? I was like, all right, see you guys later.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. And the DM that's telling you that you. The beers are too expensive. So funny how, like, we're so touchable in any way. Could you imagine at a point being able to, like, message Axl Rose and be like, like, do welcome to Jungle tonight.

[Black Lou]

Yeah. And then he gets mad, and then.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right back to him, dude, mind your business. I don't like, welcome to the jungle.

[H. Foley]

Anymore hitting Gary shandling up on WhatsApp?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I just sent a dick pic to Axl Rose. He's like, here's the thing. He may never see it, but somewhere.

[Kevin Ryan]

In his box, it's there.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's a picture of your. That wasn't the old days. You weren't able to touch your celebrity. No.

[Black Lou]

You had to write a letter in a fan club.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know. And it never, ever got to them. A fat lady read it. One fat lady that they let in by accident.

[H. Foley]

I always hate those. Not hate those stories, but, like, there was always, like, the comic or somebody.

[Black Lou]

That said, yeah, I wrote him a.

[H. Foley]

Letter and he got back to me. Yeah, what the fuck are the odds of that? I always assumed when I was a kid I sent a letter. Well, I'm never gonna see that again.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, where the fuck Anybody write back? Yeah, I'll tell you what the thing will never get. People have to get excited for a. For, like, a text. Now. When I was young and I went to my dad's one summer in Ohio, I had such a crush on the girl that lived next door to him. She had zero interest in me. But no one has to know that. When you go back home and tell everybody that she did have interest in you, of course.

[Black Lou]

And then John Travolta in Greece.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. I would send a shoe pop up. I sent her. But we would mail letters back and forth. And I mean, her letters had really glitter bombs.

[Black Lou]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Little stickers in them sometimes. And it was just like. It was the gray. The paper smelled like some kind of person.

[Kevin Ryan]

Your mom sending them back?

[H. Foley]

I thought you said she didn't have interest. What did you write these?

[Kevin Ryan]

I was. So your mom sent them back to you?

[Bobby Kelly]

She did not have interest. She wasn't sending. They weren't love letters. She was just corresponding. But it didn't matter if she would write. Listen, the small fat kid in school, dude. The smallest thing was the greatest thing. Janessa Faragelli wearing my. For some reason, La Kardo jacket from Farragali.

[H. Foley]

Why does she cut hair now?

[Bobby Kelly]

She's a dance instructor for young children. But she would wear. She had real nice guys. When you attack someone who's giving back.

[H. Foley]

That is very great.

[Bobby Kelly]

When she would put on my. When she would wear my La Kings starter jacket, it. She might as well have been wearing a promise ring that we're going to be together forever. And she would be dating friends of mine at that time. But I was still like, didn't matter, man. She chose my jacket. Because it's cold in here and I'm freezing.

[Black Lou]

That's because you didn't have a track jacket.

[H. Foley]

Wait, she was banging your friends but wearing your jacket?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think I'm banging my friends. Let's hope not. I hope she wasn't a piece of trash like that at fucking 14 years.

[Black Lou]

They made her put the jet. No. Get the jacket on.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, you brought Jay's jacket home. Good. Let me come on it.

[H. Foley]

I remember a comic buddy of ours when we were in Philly that happened. There was this hot chick that came to a show. He went home with her, and, like, right before she sucked his dick, she was like, f. That guy was really funny.

[Black Lou]

Kate did that to me. With a prostitute.

[Bobby Kelly]

In Brazil, prostitutes paid to not call you fat.

[Black Lou]

Listen, I like this girl all week, and she gave me no time of day. And then finally, we're out having lunch at the cafe, all of us, and she's over there, and I bought her American. There's a. We call the panty lady. She'd walk around with little G string panties on, a stick with flags on, and a resort.

[Kevin Ryan]

Was this.

[H. Foley]

Universal?

[Kevin Ryan]

Universal.

[Bobby Kelly]

She came out in a towel with two guys with beards. Hey, keep it down. Someone's trying to get DT'd over here.

[H. Foley]

Is that Jay's mom?

[Black Lou]

I bought it.

[Kevin Ryan]

That was my Keith.

[Black Lou]

I said, your Keith?

[Kevin Ryan]

That was my 2004, dude.

[Black Lou]

So I bought her American flag panties. I sent them over, and she waved. We started talking. I brought her over. The table we're having. I mean, dude, I'm in love with this girl. I. I would fucking marry this girl. And then Keith was like, she's a goddamn hooker. Stop acting like you like her. And then I was like, would you fuck him? She's like, no, I fuck Bobby. She kept saying, oh. And everybody's laughing. Oh, she don't want nothing to do with Keith. I go, I'm gonna take you to dinner. I'm gonna take her out there. I'm taking Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

What are you, the panty sales lady?

[Black Lou]

No, not her.

[Bobby Kelly]

The.

[Black Lou]

The blonde, the Brazilian hooker. So I got her.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got her way classier than the underwear salesman.

[Black Lou]

I got her American flag panties.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Black Lou]

And I go, I'll be right back. And I went upstairs, took a shower. Cologne put my. I had, like, a nice outfit. I put the nice outfit. I come back down, they're all gone. And there's this Asian dude sitting, eating rice and chicken. He goes, you looking for your friends? I go, yeah, I think that Black dude you were with took that chick you were talking to. He went.

[Kevin Ryan]

He.

[Black Lou]

As soon as I left, he went. He goes, how much? And she went, no. He went, 200 real. She went, yeah. And he took her and he went and funked her in his hotel room. But he goes, put the panties on. He took a photo of the paint. He's balled up in the corner with his jizz all in him.

[H. Foley]

That Asian guy was evil for doing that food again.

[Bobby Kelly]

Mr. Kenny, like when your friends prove a point to you by breaking your heart.

[H. Foley]

Yes. Yeah, my boys did that to me a lot in high school with a girl I was dating.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that was the Kevin Hart. That was the story me and him always told. He told me a girl that I was hooking up with was a whore. She would fuck any of us. And I was like, you're just jealous because she likes me. And then he just.

[Kevin Ryan]

She wears my jacket.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I mean, he literally. He said two sentences to her. He got in the backseat of my car with her while I was driving.

[H. Foley]

What?

[Bobby Kelly]

Essentially said something like. He's like, hey, I heard you're awesome at sucking dick. And, like. Like, almost, like, tapped the back of her head. And she just, like. I saw her, like, pull gum out of her mouth and just disappear in my rear view mirror. Oh, my God.

[Kevin Ryan]

I would have hit a telephone pole for. On purpose, dude.

[Black Lou]

Hey, guys, I'm gonna stop at Wawa real quick. Are you good? I mean, anything back there? Napkins?

[Bobby Kelly]

If you guys wouldn't mind. Can you try to finish while I'm in there?

[H. Foley]

You're crying, eating a gobbler in the front seat.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's only seasonal.

[Black Lou]

Having your friends.

[Bobby Kelly]

You guys want a gobbler, too? It's seasonal. Might not be another chance to get.

[Black Lou]

A couple of weeks having your friends. Fuck you. Chick sucks. Yeah, it just sucks. I remember I had Tawny, my first real girlfriend. I was so in love with her. First time I had sex was with. With this girl. First time, I jizzed everything. And Dickie and Scott were actually in the bushes helping me because I was circle pumping. They were like, no, dude, pump straight in and out. And then a couple days later.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wait, circle pumping's no good.

[Black Lou]

No, circle pump is no good.

[Bobby Kelly]

Damn it.

[H. Foley]

Wait, you were getting coached?

[Black Lou]

Yeah, they were in the bushes next to me.

[H. Foley]

Would you have a headset?

[Black Lou]

No, there was no headset back at this early 80s. And two days later, Dickie's like, we gotta talk. I gotta talk to you. And we went to our little fort. We had, like, A little tree house thing. And we're in there and he's like, I want to let you know brother Tawny's a whore. I'm like, how? How do you know? He goes, I her.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's information you got in a tree fort.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, probably just hangs himself on the.

[Kevin Ryan]

Tree was 42 years old.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey kid, come in this half buried truck tire talk to me.

[Kevin Ryan]

Come to my home.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, meet me on top of the pirate ship. Jungle J. I got bad news.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know you think she's a nice girl.

[Bobby Kelly]

Terrible news. And I think I left it in her and she might be petting my baby.

[Black Lou]

He her in front of the rectory where my grandmother works.

[Bobby Kelly]

God damn it. What kind of and hoodlums did you grow up with?

[H. Foley]

Sex at a church is terrible.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I'll tell you what. It's when you don't my it was funny as another one I got really insulted on. But like. Like when towards the end of me and my ex girlfriend when I first started comedies like relationship like right towards the end of it I was when I was driving up with Kevin Hart and Keith Robinson every day from Philly, pretty much I was gone a lot too. And I remember those two making fun of me. I took it so in stride. My reason I was originally called Big J was because another friend named Jay and he was Little Jay and Big J to our group of friends. And my girlfriend called me when I was like, well, you know, what are you doing? And she lived with me at the time too. And she. I go, what are you doing? She goes, I'm gonna go. Little Jay asked me if I wanted to go watch him play basketball, you know, over at the whatever. And like Lil J was actually very good at basketball and like. But I don't know, something about it didn't strike me as that crazy. Like he was gonna go play basketball because it's always pick up games going on. She wasn't going to just watch him shoot around. But it just what she said was.

[Kevin Ryan]

Rebounds for Little J. I don't trust.

[Black Lou]

Any girl that wants to just go watch random basketball games.

[Kevin Ryan]

A guy who's good, who's going like that's a lot.

[Bobby Kelly]

It didn't seem as strange but understanding hearing it outwardly when I was telling her like this is like speakerphone, you know what I mean? They're like, what did she say? And when she hung up and I was like, I go, she's gonna. I go, no, I mean he's gonna play like games ago. That's not what it sounded like. And then for the whole ride to New York from Philly was Emma's doing thing like Cheryl, hold my shirt while I fucking shoot these three pointers. And I just doing like giving her like his clothes. She's like holding his fucking sweaty stuff while he's playing. And I was like, I guess it does sound weird. Then when we were definitely breaking up, my parents said that one night they came down to the living room and he was there hanging out with her. She's just in the house but they weren't like doing anything on the couch. It was like they.

[Kevin Ryan]

Were you there?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I was in. I was coming back to New York that night.

[H. Foley]

Why was she there? What's going on?

[Bobby Kelly]

She lived there.

[Kevin Ryan]

She lived at your parents house?

[Bobby Kelly]

Buddy, you know these white trash things, don't you? Have you not gone through this? Do we have another episode of that coming up?

[Kevin Ryan]

I didn't know this. Your girl moved into your mom and stepdad's house every.

[Bobby Kelly]

And by the way as now reflective. That is a bad thing. But my mom and stepfather 100% of their children, my brother and both my sisters at one point have lived in the house with their. As a teenager with their teenage. That's so cool.

[Kevin Ryan]

You are generational.

[Black Lou]

But the dare, that's crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I really that felt like you were proud of me. Like you're like. You never cease to amaze me, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, it really is like, I mean like one listen, I have had my sister had her boyfriend move in but they were like older, 21, 22. It was a lease thing and he lived in the computer room in the basement. It was like oh no.

[Bobby Kelly]

These were like, all right, we're going to bed. We're going to bed before high school tomorrow. That's right.

[Black Lou]

That's great. Inviting people over to them while you're away.

[Bobby Kelly]

They didn't invite little J over. He just came over.

[Black Lou]

He came over.

[Kevin Ryan]

Little Jay does what he wants.

[Black Lou]

Yeah, he's gotta get that.

[H. Foley]

Little J, these are my roommates, Mr. And Mrs. Okerson.

[Kevin Ryan]

You guys know Jay's parents, right?

[H. Foley]

Man, what a piece was this guy come.

[Kevin Ryan]

Are you still friends with Little J?

[Bobby Kelly]

I was still in touch with Lil J a little bit.

[Kevin Ryan]

You don't walk away from a jump shot like that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Pick up game. The kid was good. But little J, you know, we stayed in touch over the years a little bit and I've seen him a couple times if it makes sense. It's come it's they definitely they probably more than likely. Definitely 100. Sure.

[Sebastian Maniscalco]

Don't miss Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand up special It Ain't Right, Premiering on Hulu November 21st. Filmed live at the sold out United center arena in Chicago, Sebastian's newest special features his larger than life presence, one of a kind physical comedy and hilarious everyday observations that will keep you laughing non stop. Sebastian goes all in on family chaos, aging, non existent manners and life's most relatable and frustratingly funny moments. Watch Sebastian Maniscalco it ain't right on November 21st. Streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

[Black Lou]

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, I've been thinking about this. My my cousin, my distant cousin who I grew up and I loved for a long time sent me a birthday present and I never called them back. And it's weighing on me. I'm going to reach out. I'm going to call them. I'm going to talk to him. Just say hi. Thanks. But you know what? The longer you wait, the more difficult it gets. And it just takes a little courage to make that call. Just to say hi, someone you haven't seen in a while. Reaching out for therapy can feel difficult too. It's very similar to that. But it can be worth it. It can leave people wondering, why didn't I do this sooner? Why haven't I taken my mental health a little more serious? Because it seems daunting. But it's not. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms. BetterHelp therapists are fully licensed in the U.S. betterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals this month. Don't wait. Reach out. Whether you're checking in on a friend or reaching out to a therapist yourself, BetterHelp can make it easier to take that first step. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com bonfire. That's better. H-E-L-P.com bonfire oh hey.

[Bobby Kelly]

Welcome to gift wrapping.

[Black Lou]

Whoa.

[Bobby Kelly]

So is Saldana.

[T-Mobile Representative]

Hey, can you wrap these please?

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow. IPhone 17s.

[T-Mobile Representative]

You splurged at T Mobile. You can get four iPhone 17s on them. The new Center Stage front camera is amazing for group selfies. It's the perfect gift for everyone.

[H. Foley]

I'm the worst. I only got my mom a robe.

[T-Mobile Representative]

Well, it's better than socks.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I have to trade in my old phone, right?

[T-Mobile Representative]

No AT T mobile. There's no trade ins needed when you switch. Keep your old phone or give it as a gift.

[Bobby Kelly]

Incredible.

[T-Mobile Representative]

In fact, wrap up my old phone too for my aunt Rosa. Forget that. Aunt Liz will be jealous.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sounds like my family drama.

[T-Mobile Representative]

Oh, I got it. I'll give it to my abuela. I'll take reindeer paper with.

[Black Lou]

Hey, where are you going?

[H. Foley]

To T Mobile.

[Bobby Kelly]

The holidays are better at T Mobile. Get four iPhone 17s on us. No trade in need needed when you switch. Plus four lines for just 25 bucks a line with 24 monthly bill credits and four eligible board inside essentials for well qualified customers. Auto pay + taxes, fees and 35 device connection charge credits and imbalance due if you pay off earlier. Cancel Contact Us Finance Agreement 256 gigabytes.

[Black Lou]

830 required Visit T mobile.com Cold Mornings Holiday plans this is when you just want your wardrobe to be simple. Stuff that looks sharp, feels good and things you actually wear. That's where Quince comes in. And the bonus Quint's pieces make great gifts too. This season's lineup is simple but smart. Easy with Quint's $50 Mongolian cashmere.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's it.

[Black Lou]

Mongolian. That's the one. I got. $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feels like an everyday luxury. And wool coats that are equal parts stylish and durable. I never understood. I have sweaters. I have a bunch of sweaters. I went to Quint's. What a difference. It's so inexpensive. Such good quality. And when you put that on. Oh my God, I can't wait for Christmas. My mom's gonna be mad because I'm not wearing her crappy sweater. Give and get timeless holiday staples that last this season with quince. Go to quince.combonfire for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q U I n c e.com bonfire free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com bonfire but I.

[Bobby Kelly]

They've both said they didn't. It's never. It's. You know, I mean like even when it's come up again, it was always like, no, it's like never. And say so many years later like it wouldn't matter.

[Kevin Ryan]

You've had.

[H. Foley]

You had your excursions as well.

[Black Lou]

It's all jizz on the chin.

[Kevin Ryan]

But like the. The audacity. It's either like that was the first time it had like my brain goes like. Which I doubt that was the case. So it's like they've done it separately or they've done it away from the house enough to be like, I don't give a fuck at this point.

[Black Lou]

Why are we fucking outside? We can just fucking Jay's house.

[Kevin Ryan]

I got Jay's house. His parents love me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Then the funny thing was like, when I heard that though, that was kind of like a rumor mill that was kind of going around for a minute. Then what?

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a fact mill, dude. That is one of Jason. There was rumblings that she was fucking Lil Jay.

[H. Foley]

They're making the announcement at school in the morning.

[Kevin Ryan]

And shout out to Lil J for 13 points last night and a rim job.

[H. Foley]

I still don't think she did it.

[Bobby Kelly]

13, 10 double double.

[Kevin Ryan]

And he got his balls wet. Dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Rumors it was rumbling. I tried that.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're a sweet boy at heart. You truly are.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay had a girlfriend named angel who was a big kind of brutish redheaded girl who I was not attractive at all. And I was like. It was one of those moments where at the crossroad where you're like. Like, maybe I should just try to Angel. And. And then I. And then I was just like, didn't try even like. And it wasn't out of pure un unbridled friendship. It was that like it was more of a shitty. Like I didn't want to her. So I'm gonna. The least attractive of the. Of the. My girlfriend was cute. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Everybody wanted a picture.

[H. Foley]

You're him.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's why.

[Black Lou]

That's why Little J was your girlfriend. His chick was a beast.

[Kevin Ryan]

He had a tank.

[Bobby Kelly]

I gotta send L. I guess I put one more picture now. Dude, the one. For some reason, I don't know why this was a trend for a minute. My friends and girlfriends. My friends and their girlfriends were all like. You know, it's like when it was like 20 bucks to get like a school picture style packet of just pictures of you and them at like Kmart or Sears Mall.

[Black Lou]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You get pictures with your chick, dude. Mine is just hilarious. What?

[Black Lou]

Who did that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Man? Be funny.

[Black Lou]

If Little Jay has the same pictures.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's just got one of everybody's girlfriend.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just want. I just want to send these pictures to you because I think you guys will love them all so much. These are great ones here. Some real good.

[Black Lou]

There's no way they. And she didn't suck his too.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. What? Dude, they're. They're hanging out at the house. That's insane.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nuts. In fact, we should put this up on our socials and make this a. We should have caption contest for. For these two. Well, the. I don't know if we could do the One. Because the girl.

[H. Foley]

What are you guessing? I'm guessing she's in front of Jay. He has his hands on her hips.

[Black Lou]

Absolutely.

[H. Foley]

And there's a log involved.

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[H. Foley]

Hanging over a log.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no. Just plain background. It's not that. It's just like the face is on it. Just like. What are we doing? Why are we taking professional.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's doing the eating face. He's behind her.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is my. Let me know if you get a move.

[Black Lou]

She was so hurt. We took professional pictures together.

[Bobby Kelly]

Professional pictures.

[H. Foley]

Doesn't Owen Mills mean anything to you anymore?

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude. Catching her.

[Black Lou]

They laughed at the pictures when he was away.

[Bobby Kelly]

Probably catching. Catching her cheating with somebody. She worked at Kmart for a while. Which was a nice hookup because when they got away. Huh. Well, I'll tell you what. What was really nice.

[Kevin Ryan]

He was on Blue Light special.

[Bobby Kelly]

She worked at the jewelry slash cologne count. So I can walk in.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's how I got my seven nose rings.

[Bobby Kelly]

Buddy. Not never my nose rings. That was. That was made. Those were choices made in my 30s as a teenager.

[Kevin Ryan]

Retail for these.

[Bobby Kelly]

No. It was nice. Was. She'd go in there and slide me a little under the table. Jupe Cologne. Fahrenheit. That was nice.

[H. Foley]

And a little chlamydia.

[Bobby Kelly]

But she was. It's so funny.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, my God.

[Black Lou]

God damn it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude. What the.

[Kevin Ryan]

Jay.

[Black Lou]

Oh, my. He's a cute girl. She's cute. But Jay's serious. Jay's really trying to take a sexy photo.

[H. Foley]

Shay looks like the only guy that died in Desert Store. Look at that.

[Black Lou]

J. J. Jay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Jesus Christ. Man.

[Black Lou]

Jay's actually listening to the photograph.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was a show of strength. No one was supposed to die.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like a turtle out of his shell.

[Bobby Kelly]

Guy.

[Black Lou]

The guy was giving. The guy was given input. And Jay made every face. That guy said loop.

[Bobby Kelly]

Get the face.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now see the face of your girlfriend cheating on you with little J.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wait. Which. Now which one we'll make. We'll do it. Deciding here. Don't. Don't post it yet. Lou. Do we caption contest this?

[Black Lou]

Can I just say something though? You. You're such a big kid. You look like you're molesting her.

[Bobby Kelly]

It does.

[Black Lou]

She looks like you kidnapped her.

[Bobby Kelly]

Absolutely.

[H. Foley]

By 10 too.

[Black Lou]

How old were you in this photo?

[Bobby Kelly]

This is probably me at like 18 hertz. 16.

[Black Lou]

Ooh. Is that legal?

[Kevin Ryan]

I didn't say she was cute.

[Bobby Kelly]

Romeo Juliet Laws. Oh.

[Black Lou]

Back then. Okay.

[H. Foley]

Can I ask you something? Something respectfully.

[Bobby Kelly]

Where 38 C's.

[Kevin Ryan]

You are. Come on.

[H. Foley]

It's nice to have A chick in front of you like that. I'm a bigger guy, too. Yeah, get in front of me.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is not. Sure you're. That. My shirt continues down. It comes down the other side of her.

[Black Lou]

It would just be a photo of Jay with little hands.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, the funniest was my friend David. Dave, skinny, tall, black dude took a picture with. He took it with his girlfriend. I wish I had that picture. I think Kurt. I gave it to Kurt Metzger at one point, and he had it up on his wall, like back in Philly, because how funny it was. Dave was just standing like his chick was a. She was a white trash chick. And she. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. But she was also. She wasn't very attractive. She wasn't attractive at all. She wasn't like fat or anything, but.

[Black Lou]

She had skinny black guy from Philly.

[Bobby Kelly]

We got a head. We used to call her Bonk. She had a head like Bonk. It's huge. And the picture. They took a picture of the same pose together, but because of the size of her head, it looks like he's standing, like, in. In a room, like, far back behind her. Yeah, he's like, wait, behind. Like. It looks like a black guy wandered into a picture of her head and was like, oh, hey, a camera.

[H. Foley]

I wanted to ask you, where is that. Where is that photograph being photographed on?

[Kevin Ryan]

Because that is some rough carpet. I don't know if you've clocked that. That is a rough carpet.

[H. Foley]

It looks like dirty cauliflower.

[Bobby Kelly]

That is my mom's house in West Philadelphia. Thank you.

[Black Lou]

You gotta get her a Roomba. That's all the cigarette smoke from her nights with the guys.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is my mom. My mom wasn't a. Respectfully. Respectfully. My mom wasn't a. And she didn't smoke.

[Kevin Ryan]

You were a cute kid, though. Can we punch in on the. Punch in on him a little bit, if we can.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, wait.

[Black Lou]

Why are you pursing your lips?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll tell you why. I'm trying to get all of my sparse facial hair to come together.

[Black Lou]

That makes sense.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm trying to get it to connect. Now here's the thing. You say I'm a cute kid here. I'm gonna tell you where I was. Still. The next picture is me, still trying to figure it out, holding my baby sister Shauna and my brother. She stood in front of me. That's.

[H. Foley]

Oh, my God.

[Bobby Kelly]

Friendship bracelet, necklace.

[Kevin Ryan]

You look like a Jewish girl at camp.

[Bobby Kelly]

My sister looks like she was born too early.

[Kevin Ryan]

You got a preemie?

[Bobby Kelly]

My sister looks not Done.

[Kevin Ryan]

You look like a 16 year old girl who had a kid to her elite. 16 and pregnant.

[Bobby Kelly]

I look like a 16 year old girl who's dealing with her children. I love them both, but it doesn't make life easy, that's for damn sure.

[Black Lou]

What the are you wearing?

[Bobby Kelly]

Zip up. Short sleeve cross colors.

[Black Lou]

That's nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's why, buddy. It's Philly in the. This is probably the late 80s, early 90s. And what do you dress like? Fresh Prince of Bel Air, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

I get it.

[Black Lou]

You look like Little Jay's girlfriend.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's nuts, dude.

[H. Foley]

I look like.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's a tough picture of your sister to just. That's just bad.

[H. Foley]

How about your brother with the overalls and no shirt?

[Kevin Ryan]

You guys look like you're from three different planets.

[H. Foley]

We all met on a spaceship, Bobby.

[Kevin Ryan]

You guys are space trash.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bobby Kelly used to dress like that while he did comedy. Still overalls, no shirt.

[H. Foley]

Better than Tim Hortons on Jupiter.

[Kevin Ryan]

While we're doing this. I just got one actually yesterday from. From the 90s. I'll send over to Lou.

[H. Foley]

Is your sister okay?

[Black Lou]

Yeah, she's fine, respectfully.

[Kevin Ryan]

She bounced back. They cured it, man.

[Black Lou]

Is your sister okay?

[H. Foley]

Jesus.

[Black Lou]

She does looks like you're killing her.

[H. Foley]

Never give a baby Mountain Dew.

[Black Lou]

Why? Why the bangs, bro? What was up with the bangs?

[H. Foley]

He was trying. Listen, I know exactly where you're coming from. From you were trying to figure it out.

[Bobby Kelly]

A million things were going on here. Here's what's happened and what always happened. My whole life, skinny kids were doing stylistic choices that were bold, but it was working. So when a skinny kid came in and was like, what? I'm wearing a fucking sweater and MC Hammer black. MC Hammer pants. You go, he's fucking doing it. And he's rocking it. Looks kind of cool. Or Cavarici. And then you go do it and you're like, oh, pleated pants. Doesn't really make a difference when the waist is 42.

[Black Lou]

I look like a middle aged female wife.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, exactly.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

These aren't going public, are they?

[Bobby Kelly]

I dress like Aileen Warnos.

[Black Lou]

You look like my sister.

[H. Foley]

Now those, those like Z Cavarici pants on a big guy back then. You look like a genie with no wishes.

[Bobby Kelly]

I didn't even get the. I was too fat for the Cavaricis. I was too big for the Cavarici pants. I had to do Hugo Boss's version of Cavari pants because the Nazis believed in fat.

[Black Lou]

You had to do PM Don version.

[H. Foley]

Heck, you can sing though. I'll tell you that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, was his name also like Triceratop Tits? I found that out all those Mother Earth rap bands. Cuz I think I was on the plane with the black mother.

[H. Foley]

That's so funny.

[Black Lou]

What?

[Bobby Kelly]

Like those Mother Earth rappers, like Common.

[Kevin Ryan]

And always, always talking about the atmosphere and.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Arrested Development.

[H. Foley]

Take me to another.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, like thoughtful like that.

[Black Lou]

Your ears are so. Oh, your bangs. You look so.

[H. Foley]

You're little sunburnt.

[Black Lou]

You look like you smell, but you don't know where it is.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look at. Where. Look at.

[H. Foley]

Where is the dog in.

[Black Lou]

Guys, do you smell it?

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's crazy, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you see though for sure why a beard is necessary on my face?

[Black Lou]

Yeah, 100%.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know.

[Kevin Ryan]

You got a good.

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

I mean you're.

[Kevin Ryan]

You got a cute face.

[H. Foley]

Stop.

[Kevin Ryan]

Especially then you gotta cut it. I just got his sister. I gotta clean it up.

[Black Lou]

You said she's from another planet.

[Bobby Kelly]

My sister looks like the little thing that says. It looks like quado. Yeah, it looks like I have a quado.

[Black Lou]

Are you sure she's not coming out of your belly?

[Bobby Kelly]

Open your mind.

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

Open.

[Bobby Kelly]

Get to the reactor.

[H. Foley]

What the fuck is that?

[Black Lou]

It's the hat. Looks like a. Like you have a bun.

[Bobby Kelly]

Huh.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dude, that's a lot of hair hanging out of the front of the hat.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, just a lot of bang. For sure. Might have been a tail popping out the back there though. Don't know. Although I doubt because if I had a tail I would have made sure it was curling out of the back so you can see it.

[Black Lou]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

Who's the hatte?

[Kevin Ryan]

You would have taken the picture.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know what? At the time. Again, it's funny. I was telling this to someone recently when I was young.

[Kevin Ryan]

Atlanta Brightwear.

[Bobby Kelly]

It didn't matter. With the coolest logo. Yeah. The coolest colors. Anything I had because I thought of it this weekend in the Bucs game. I had. I had Mike Alstott jersey and Warren Warwick Dunn jerseys. You'd wear anything. When I moved to New York is where I felt like a fraud wearing anything but Philly teams on stuff. So Christ only knows. That could have been. It could have been a Florida Marlins.

[Black Lou]

What team went with yellow and pink?

[Kevin Ryan]

The Flamingo Goes Racquetball team.

[Bobby Kelly]

The Party Animals and the Savannah Bananas. America's favorite baseball ahead of my time. Yeah, the Globetrotters in baseball.

[Kevin Ryan]

Pink Ranger really let herself go. That's what happens when you bang the Black Ranger.

[Bobby Kelly]

That was one of those helmets.

[Black Lou]

He's a pink dot Ranger wearing starburst red. Oh, My God.

[Bobby Kelly]

An orange and black. Orange and black friendship bracelet necklace that I promise you was made by a girl in school. And I was like. And again, it's one of those things because I got it from her. Felt some kind of like maybe there's a thing I had to live exclusively in my own imagination of. Is there a thing? The movie Angus will still probably make me cry if I watch it.

[Black Lou]

Did you get that hoodie from her?

[H. Foley]

That Australian one?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no. Angus, about the little fat kid who was close to his grandpa and his single mom and his nerdy friend, and.

[Kevin Ryan]

He'S a movie made up in his head.

[Black Lou]

Little Big J Story.

[Bobby Kelly]

How much. How much it affects me, this movie. I relate to this movie so much. Oh, Angus.

[H. Foley]

Oh, I remember this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

So I was thinking of. Who was the guy? Not Wiley Coyote. He was a redheaded Australian comic. It was like, Yahoo.

[Bobby Kelly]

Serious.

[H. Foley]

Yes, Yahoo Serious.

[Kevin Ryan]

His name was Yahoo Serious.

[Bobby Kelly]

And the movie was Young Einstein.

[H. Foley]

Yes, it was. Yeah, man, you were low.

[Black Lou]

Late.

[Bobby Kelly]

Holy. You saw that alone. There's some Angus. But by the way, I guess the kid, the guy now who played Angus lives in New York and Chappelle Lacy, the comedian, is here for the festival and he's like, oh. He goes. He's like, I love this movie so much. When I was growing up and I became Internet friends with this guy, and now he showed up to my thing. I don't comment on anything. And I commented on it. I go, you have no idea how much Angus meant to me as a kid. What a queefy thing to even fucking comment.

[Kevin Ryan]

A public comment.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's how much it matters.

[Black Lou]

Jay, stop. Look at that photo. Is it that queer Queefy?

[Bobby Kelly]

It's Angus. Yeah, I'm Angus.

[Black Lou]

Dude, it's not that queefy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Get a couple Angus burgers.

[H. Foley]

I would love to know what you had for dinner that night.

[Black Lou]

Which one?

[Kevin Ryan]

This is my. I'm on the left.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Nice Hawk.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't even know what that is.

[Bobby Kelly]

A fun one.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's my mom, my sister and my brother. I think the first time we went to my stepdad's. Well, at my mom's boyfriend's house.

[Black Lou]

Is she an alcoholic?

[Kevin Ryan]

I think it's just a lot of Sprite.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, that's mixers. Yeah, that's mixers for sure. That's a table full of. My mom had a table full of mixers. I never understood that. Not a drinker. For the gentleman who would come over, I believe.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[H. Foley]

Kevin, how much syrup do you have in your hair?

[Kevin Ryan]

Also, my sister Looks Puerto Rican for some reason.

[H. Foley]

Look at Denise, though.

[Kevin Ryan]

A single mom trying to keep it together.

[H. Foley]

Is she wearing scrubs?

[Bobby Kelly]

I think it's a loose shirt from the 80s. 90s. 90s frosted tips.

[Kevin Ryan]

This is 90s for sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Black Lou]

I gotta find the photo of my mother.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is she hot?

[Black Lou]

My mom was pretty hot, dude. My father was.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, I really set a tone with my mom's big old fat titan.

[Black Lou]

Your mom had fat titties?

[Bobby Kelly]

My mom was like, easy, it's okay when I say it. I know.

[Kevin Ryan]

Also fat titties.

[Black Lou]

My mom had my sister when she was 15, me when she was 18.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, she was a.

[Black Lou]

In a bush at a park.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

My mom called back.

[H. Foley]

Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

Should we hit her?

[H. Foley]

Of course.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Got nothing but time, Jay.

[H. Foley]

She's gonna show answer this time.

[Bobby Kelly]

She thinks something's terribly wrong.

[H. Foley]

That's awesome.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's worried about me. Hey. Hey, Mom. You're on the bonfire live, so don't say the N word the way you normally greet me. Thank you. You're here with Bob, Bobby, Kevin, Ryan, H. Foley. Hey. And of course, the crew. Black Lou, DJ Lou, Jacob, Paco, Christine's at Skank Fest. I was just showing the fellows. Everyone was admiring your young pictures of your. Of your young Jewish nubile body. Respectfully and very respectfully and damn it, mom, it came up again. The picture of you with those two guys when I was crying in Florida because I thought you were killed in a banana boat by Jaws himself. And you. And you were hanging out in a hotel room drinking Bartles and James with two guys, one with a beard, one smooth faced. And they're on either side of you all hugged up.

[Black Lou]

Don't take a vacation.

[Bobby Kelly]

You were on vacation. Your son was crying in Florida. What did you do with those two guys? This is your moment to come clean.

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

My moments have come clean. I didn't do anything. They drove us back from. They drove us back from booze cruise that we were on.

[Black Lou]

Oh, okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, that's it. And you let him come in for a minute and just take some snuggle pictures and leave.

[Black Lou]

Can I say something, though? What year was it? Because in a certain, you know, the 70s and 80s with crazy years, it might have been a little earlier.

[H. Foley]

What year was it?

[Bobby Kelly]

70S? What was it, 80 something?

[Black Lou]

Oh, yeah, she did, definitely.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's the 80s.

[Black Lou]

Oh, that was the time when they did that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you guys do coke?

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

We did not. You know, your mama was good.

[Bobby Kelly]

This picture does. Mom, these guys drove you over a booze cruise. They're all up in your. I don't even know if you're wearing pants in the picture.

[Black Lou]

Can I just say something real quick? I am.

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

I'm wearing shorts.

[Black Lou]

You're wearing shorts.

[Bobby Kelly]

He was for a little bit.

[Black Lou]

He was wearing really shirt. This looks like an at the end of the night market moment.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, Bobby, are you implying. Afterwards they were like, thanks. And she was like, we take a picture. So I wasn't just used like some trash pig.

[Black Lou]

Respectfully.

[Bobby Kelly]

Respectfully.

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

Wasn't Joanne in that picture too? Or is it just.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, she's taking the picture, which is weird. Like she said she wouldn't be a part of any of this and you were like, I'll take them both then.

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

No, it. I told you. They drove us home from the booze cruise because the stories form came in and nobody else was leaving the booze cruise, but we wanted to go back to the hotel, so they drove us back.

[Black Lou]

And then they came in the hotel.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then they came in the hotel room.

[Black Lou]

Did you have drinks?

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

We made friends on the boat.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Why'd you guys have a lot in common? You really are still a 19 year old idiot, aren't you?

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

Probably not. No, I wasn't a 19 year old idiot. I was a 29 year old idiot.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I'm saying. I know. Look at the way you're behaving while your son's crying in Florida, fat and sad with family that didn't want him there.

[Black Lou]

Don't forget that hair.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, also, also, I brought the picture of me holding Shauna with Bobby in the picture. We had a good laugh at me. But I gotta say, everyone is concerned. Can you please back up that Shawna is alive and well and didn't die a little bit later because she was only a pound and a half big.

[Black Lou]

She might have been regular weight. You were just holding her.

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

I mean, I know she was a baby in that picture, but she's not that little.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, she's freakishly little. With a face that looks like it's an alien. It's this ch. It's amazing. She became an attractive lady.

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

She was freak, freakishly little. Because you were so much bigger than.

[Black Lou]

I just said that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bobby stole your joke. It's not the size of my hand, guys. I wasn't a giant. She was freakishly little.

[Kevin Ryan]

Normal proportion for a large boy.

[Black Lou]

Very large.

[H. Foley]

You ask your mom if it was a long six week pregnancy.

[Bobby Kelly]

It looks like you gave birth to her in a high school bathroom.

[H. Foley]

Her feet are still wet from getting dragged out of the toilet.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Kevin Ryan]

Why doesn't the kid have a shirt on?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but she was. And I also wonder why Bobby decided to go with the overalls with no shirt underneath. Look, it's a little South Jersey dago.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let's say he's taking numbers.

[Black Lou]

Why did you dress Jay like one of the Golden Girls and the other.

[Bobby Kelly]

Kids dress me 15.

[Black Lou]

Oh, sorry.

[Kevin Ryan]

She should.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not a gown, Bobby. It's a Zip up collection. Here's the problem. And my mom will attest to this, too. My mom. Around this time, my mom had the cash still, so my mom would take me school clothes shopping. And my mom goes. She liked that she could just go. Well, you know what you like like. So you'll get.

[Black Lou]

You went right to the girl section.

[Kevin Ryan]

And then you drop me off at forever 21. Okay, Jerry, do they have a fashion bug here.

[Bobby Kelly]

Also?

[H. Foley]

I didn't know Lane Bryant was a man.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, mom, are you laughing at me, too? No. Yeah, no one's laughing at these people.

[Black Lou]

So can I just.

[Bobby Kelly]

My mom got a job at Casual Male Big and Tall so she could fucking clothe her son, who had the dress. Who had to dress like a father of five when he was a teenager because I was too happy for regular father.

[Kevin Ryan]

They had this short sleeve dry shirt.

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

My mom let me pick out what you liked.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I was allowed to pick up my own clothes, but they weren't great decisions. So I ended up with gold hammer pants.

[Black Lou]

You dressed like Banana Rama.

[Kevin Ryan]

Looks like you need hoop earrings on.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm dressed like the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Or Salt and Peppa in the other videos. I'm just like, shoop.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's T. Boz really like?

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

You said that you never wore the Hammer pants after.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, you guys laughed me out of those.

[H. Foley]

I remember that from the show.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes. Yeah, I did the fashion show. And then, I mean, they really. I mean, her and my stepfather laughed like. I mean, like. Like the Bernie Mac audience at Def Jam. I mean, they were hitting. They were hitting each other. Zero concern for my feelings. I was humiliated.

[H. Foley]

A couple boxes of crimpets to wash that down.

[Bobby Kelly]

I gotta say, Mom, I'm looking at this picture of Shawna again. Think I'm surprised you went ahead and had another kid after this because it looks like this one came out undercooked.

[H. Foley]

Medium rare.

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

She was so cute.

[Black Lou]

She was just looks that way because you were squeezing her because you didn't know. Control your own strength.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah, I was constricting her.

[Black Lou]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I said I wasn't a giant. I was like 6 foot tall. She was like. But she was born like £5, wasn't she?

[Black Lou]

You.

[H. Foley]

Your grandma told you Was. Told her she was a Cabbage Patch doll.

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

Shimon weigh six and a half pounds.

[Bobby Kelly]

Six and a half pounds.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, how old was she when her neck grew in?

[Bobby Kelly]

We really did decide to get the worst picture printed. What I look. I look downright unpleasant.

[Kevin Ryan]

Maybe there's worse ones than this.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm looking like I'm groaning in a Rosie o' Donnell routine.

[Black Lou]

You look like you just want lungs.

[H. Foley]

Lunch. I didn't like my Salesbury steak pictures.

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

Done of you every year.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah. No, when I was young, I was cute. This was a. We call me in a real awkward phase here.

[H. Foley]

That's a tough face for. Same way.

[Black Lou]

How big was Jay when he came out?

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

You were 15.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You answered two questions. It was a funny answer. By accident.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bobby asked. You said 15 to Bobby. What he asked was how.

[Black Lou]

How heavy was it? Yeah, how much did he weigh?

[Bobby Kelly]

What did I. No, no, no.

[Black Lou]

What did you. What did Jay weigh when he came out?

[Bobby Kelly]

What did I weigh when I was born?

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

Seven pounds, eight ounces.

[H. Foley]

Did it hurt when they pulled the. The chain from the. The wallet out?

[Kevin Ryan]

Who cut the chain?

[H. Foley]

Wallet.

[Black Lou]

Did his nose rings hurt?

[Bobby Kelly]

I was connected by an umbilical chain. Wallet.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, congratulations, dad. You want to cut the chain?

[Black Lou]

Is that where the wallet is?

[Bobby Kelly]

Can somebody.

[H. Foley]

Is it a boy? It's a girl. It's a dirt bag, ma'.

[Bobby Kelly]

Am. It's a dirt bag.

[Black Lou]

You should check for a wallet.

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

So cute.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love you. Defend me right to the teeth.

[Black Lou]

Before she goes, you're saying. You're saying that those guys drove you back. You met some friends on a party boat. You got booze cruise. You got hammered. Hammered. They drove you back to the hotel. Came into the hotel. And then you just took a photo. And they were like, hey, ladies. Very pleasant meeting you. I'm glad we made friends.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's nice to meet you. Hey, thanks for letting me jam my neck into your tit and laying on my friend's lap. We're gonna go now.

[Black Lou]

They just left. I'm just asking.

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

When I came home and I heard your message. Join the answering machine.

[Bobby Kelly]

You felt terrible because you were getting gang banged while I was crying.

[H. Foley]

They were all laughing at you then.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah. Did you. Did you laugh at my message with these guys? Your kid sounds like a fat little fag.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sounds like he's wearing a blouse.

[Black Lou]

Look at this gay photo he took.

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

I didn't Hear the message until after I got home to Philly.

[Kevin Ryan]

What was the message?

[Black Lou]

Mom, come get me.

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

Then you thought I got eaten off a banana boat.

[H. Foley]

Hey, you kind of did.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sounds like you also had a banana. A couple of plantains, by the look of it.

[H. Foley]

And by the way, what was your mom's last name now?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, Marcelino.

[H. Foley]

Ms. Marcelino. Well, this is. This is all understandable. You're a young, beautiful woman. You were single, you were doing your thing.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that's what we call backpedaling. You just called her over.

[H. Foley]

Okay, so I didn't.

[Black Lou]

So Mrs. Marcelino, they.

[Bobby Kelly]

They don't call her Terry?

[Black Lou]

Terry. Terry. Terry.

[H. Foley]

What are you saying, Shauna?

[Black Lou]

So these guys. Sister Terry. These guys came back, took a little photo. The sun is out in the photo. They left right after this photo.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, it looks a little rainy back there, because if you remember, the booze crews stopped because it was raining.

[Black Lou]

So it's a.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sun's out.

[Black Lou]

They. They left right after. Right. They didn't stay at the shelter?

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

Well, let's put it this way. It was 35 years ago. 30. I don't know. I don't remember how long they stayed. I know this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you do. Did you use condoms? Did you learn a lesson from dad at least? Oh, no. Oh, Jesus. I have one more question, Mom. What are the different radio stations that J. R worked for? I mean, while you were giving him the biz.

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

Which stations?

[Bobby Kelly]

B101.

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

That was. B101 was in Washington Dub, WWSH, which. I forget. The call letters that came that they changed.

[Bobby Kelly]

It wasn't. He worked at 104 at one point and he worked at one. What became Q102?

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

No, at 106, it. Which was WWSH to start with, but they. When they changed the top 40, they changed the call letters. I just can't remember.

[H. Foley]

106.1.

[Black Lou]

You're remembering a lot. Lot of information there. You sure you can't remember that night?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah. She remembers the frequency of JR's one station in Washington. But you don't remember that time you got bean pied by two dudes in a goddamn resort in the Bahamas?

[H. Foley]

He was crying at an AMC while.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm sitting there boohooing in the family, who I'm unfamiliar with and feel scared to be around.

[Black Lou]

Little Jay's crying in the Tater Tot somewhere.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you know what happened. Do you know what happened on that trip, by the way? Way. A roommate that lived there. That's right. Adults with roommates. A roommate came and Took me out and made me watch him gut a fish. It was jarring, and I never forget it.

[Black Lou]

Got a fish means in Florida.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, in Florida. That's what happened. I wasn't molested, so that's the best I got.

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

What, family member?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, not some. Some roommate that they had living with them. Gut efficient for. He caught a fish and he goes, you want to see me gut this? And I went, no. And they just did it.

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

Wait, weren't you with Aunt Gay?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, Aunt Gay just dropped me off.

[H. Foley]

You have an aunt Gay?

[Bobby Kelly]

Gay Tana. I don't know why she chooses gay.

[Black Lou]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Whose house were you at exactly?

[Bobby Kelly]

Uncle Vinnie's.

[H. Foley]

Was he married?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, to Aunt Patty.

[H. Foley]

And Aunt Patty and him had a roommate?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yep.

[Black Lou]

Does everybody have, like, guests just living at their house in your family?

[Bobby Kelly]

This is. Listen, the family. My dad's side of the family, particularly my family, comes from Philadelphia and Florida. That's the two bases of these things. I mean, that is, like, where. I mean, body ingredients. Body cam footage comes from Florida. It's from there. And then Philadelphia's all the other stuff. So get the best of both going on there. Yeah. Young teens. I was telling everybody that all of your children have had their teenage significant others move into the house at one point.

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

Yeah, I didn't say we did everything right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, the last one was, like, five years ago.

[Kevin Ryan]

No one's accusing him.

[Bobby Kelly]

Mom, we gotta go take a commercial break. Thanks for calling in. Just always say, I'm never gonna sleep thing. Oh, also, did you guys come downstairs and see little J banging Cheryl once?

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

Little J? I didn't even know that that happened.

[Bobby Kelly]

Didn't it? Is Joe.

[Kevin Ryan]

She's real good.

[H. Foley]

She's real good.

[Kevin Ryan]

She's great when it comes to sex. She's got amnesia.

[Black Lou]

She keeps her mouth shut.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is Joe there?

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

Yeah, he's there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, Joe. Wow. Wasn't there something with little Jay and Cheryl?

[H. Foley]

No, I don't remember that.

[Black Lou]

I don't remember any.

[Kevin Ryan]

I remember a couple other guys.

[Black Lou]

I feel like.

[Kevin Ryan]

Remember Medium J and little Tony?

[Black Lou]

What was this?

[Bobby Kelly]

Medium J? Extra big J.

[H. Foley]

And little.

[Black Lou]

That little skinny black kid.

[Bobby Kelly]

And the teeniest J. Did I conjure all that up?

[Bobby Kelly's Mom]

I think the worst we remember is. Is coming downstairs in the morning and finding. Finding somebody's underwear on the kitchen floor.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that was two girls. Me and Joe DeRosa. I'll tell you that another time. I love you. Bye.

[Black Lou]

But the underwear was Joe Derosas.

[Bobby Kelly]

But the underwear was Joe Derosas. Of course. Kevin Ryan and H. Foley are joining us for the whole show. They're in Atlanta this Thursday right before Skank Fest at the Buckethead Theater in Philadelphia. Oh, and then in Philly at The Met on December 13th. That's so exciting. That's a big one.

[Kevin Ryan]

Biggest show of our lives.

[H. Foley]

Come out and see the boys.

[Bobby Kelly]

Fill it up. Sell it out. Get your tickets now. Do not wait. Go to rugarbage.com for tickets to that and all of their shows. Bobby Kelly, of course, gonna be a Skank Fest this weekend and Comedy Connection right after I am in Skankfest this weekend and then the Salt Lake City right after.

[Black Lou]

Yeah. BigJComedy.com for all his tickets and YouTube.com epicjokerson and we'll be right back.

[Kevin Ryan]

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