Born To Hand Jive

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Born To Hand Jive" | The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly

Episode Title: Born To Hand Jive
Release Date: July 2, 2025
Hosts: Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly
Channel: SiriusXM’s Faction Talk, Channel 103

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Episode Overview

In the "Born To Hand Jive" episode of The Bonfire, veteran comedians Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly engage in their trademark blend of blunt humor and unfiltered honesty. The episode is a rollercoaster of outrageous jokes, personal anecdotes, and spontaneous interactions with their co-hosts, Jacob and Christine. From officiating weddings to navigating awkward encounters with security personnel, Jay and Bobby deliver an evening filled with laughter and candid conversations about life, relationships, and the quirks of the entertainment industry.

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Main Discussions

1. Officiating Weddings

Robert Kelly shares his experience officiating weddings, highlighting the nervousness that comes with being responsible for someone’s special day. He humorously contrasts his public persona as a comedian with the sincerity required in officiating vows.

• Notable Quote (19:08):
  Robert Kelly: "I was nervous. Everything was buttoned fine."

Jay Oakerson reacts with playful banter, poking fun at Robert’s attire and demeanor during the ceremony.

• Notable Quote (35:40):
  Big Jay Oakerson: "You got any fun trips coming up? One thing you probably haven't put in your packing list: learning a new language."

2. Interactions with Jacob and Christine

The dynamic between Jay, Bobby, Jacob, and Christine is alive with comedic tension. They joke about Jacob’s appearance, heated jackets, and Christine’s role, all while weaving in light-hearted insults and humorous observations.

• Notable Quote (12:36):
  Robert Kelly: "Jacob, put your nuts in Bobby's hands, please. Please, Jacob, if you would mind placing your nuts in Bobby's hands."

3. Awkward Encounters with Security

A significant portion of the episode revolves around Jay and Bobby’s amusing but uncomfortable interactions with security personnel, specifically referencing encounters with security guards linked to celebrities like Dave Chappelle. They recount instances of being mistook for someone else and the ensuing humorous misunderstandings.

• Notable Quote (53:15):
  Robert Kelly: "Jake, don't listen to peer pressure. We tell him to fight this guy. The guy was a house dude. The guy was a monster. Still towering over Jay."

4. Sexual Humor and Banter

As expected from The Bonfire, the episode is rich with edgy sexual humor. Jay and Bobby engage in a back-and-forth about intimate topics, often veering into absurd and exaggerated scenarios that elicit laughter from their audience.

• Notable Quote (05:20):
  Robert Kelly: "I’ve heard just around town, you were cruising around crew when I was dancing."

5. Reflections on Fame and Friendships

The hosts delve into how fame changes relationships, mentioning interactions with celebrities like Amy Schumer and Kevin Hart. They explore the awkwardness and complexities of maintaining friendships as some friends gain prominence in the entertainment world.

• Notable Quote (55:58):
  Robert Kelly: "They gain celebrity of. And it's like it gets on them where you can't help but feel too."

6. Comedic Rants about DJs and Events

Jay and Bobby humorously criticize the stereotypical behaviors of wedding DJs and the sometimes cringeworthy traditions associated with weddings. They share their own experiences and preferences, adding their unique comedic twist to common wedding tropes.

• Notable Quote (45:54):
  Robert Kelly: "Their hand jobs. Their hand. And it's that I told Colin I."

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• [00:35]
  Big Jay Oakerson: "Feel your body relax."

• [02:11]
  Big Jay Oakerson: "You never had anything up your butt?"

• [12:36]
  Robert Kelly: "Jacob, put your nuts in Bobby's hands, please."

• [19:08]
  Robert Kelly: "I was nervous. Everything was buttoned fine."

• [35:40]
  Big Jay Oakerson: "You got any fun trips coming up? One thing you probably haven't put in your packing list: learning a new language."

• [53:15]
  Robert Kelly: "Jake, don't listen to peer pressure. We tell him to fight this guy."

• [45:54]
  Robert Kelly: "Their hand jobs. Their hand. And it's that I told Colin I."

---

Highlights and Insights

• Balancing Humor and Sincerity: The episode showcases the hosts’ ability to blend comedic antics with sincere moments, particularly when discussing the responsibilities of officiating weddings.

• Dynamic Host Interactions: The chemistry between Jay, Bobby, Jacob, and Christine is palpable, with each bringing their unique flavor to the conversation, enhancing the overall entertainment value.

• Edgy and Unfiltered Content: Staying true to The Bonfire’s reputation, the episode doesn’t shy away from controversial or explicit topics, delivering content that caters to listeners who appreciate bold and unfiltered humor.

• Guest Appearances: Although minimal in this episode, the presence of Jacob and Christine adds spontaneity and unpredictability, keeping the conversations lively and engaging.

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Conclusion

"Born To Hand Jive" is a quintessential The Bonfire episode, packed with outrageous jokes, candid stories, and the unmistakable chemistry between Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly. Whether they're recounting wedding mishaps, navigating awkward security encounters, or delving into edgy humor, Jay and Bobby deliver an entertaining and laughter-filled experience for their listeners. This episode is a must-listen for fans who enjoy unfiltered comedy and the spontaneous banter that defines The Bonfire.

Transcript

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now is your time to get into.

[Robert Kelly]

A new Dr. Horton home by taking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Advantage of its national red tag sales event.

[Robert Kelly]

This Saturday, July 5th through July 20th.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Stop by any of its participating communities.

[Robert Kelly]

And find select red tag homes at Incredible Pricing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So whether you're buying your first home.

[Robert Kelly]

Or looking for an upgrade, you don't want to miss the red tag sales event. Starting this Saturday, discover the Dr. Horton.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Difference at DrHorton.com Dr. Horton America's Builder and equal housing opportunity builder. Close your eyes. Exhale.

[Robert Kelly]

Feel your body relax.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And let go of whatever you're carrying today. Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-contacts. Oh, my gosh, they're so fast.

[Robert Kelly]

And breathe.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste. Visit 1-800-contacts.com today to save on your first order.

[Robert Kelly]

1-800-Contacts. And now the bonfire with Big J.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okerson and Robert Kelly. Keep it a secret. Hey, Medina, I chased a do. Is this before they were all gay?

[Robert Kelly]

Before the rappers were gay?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, it's. Back when it was. The only person who would tell you that was Wendy Williams. There was a time where only she would say method man and Red man are 69ing and everyone would be like, what?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Shut up.

[Robert Kelly]

They hated her. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is that true?

[Robert Kelly]

Who knows anymore? Right ups down. Left is right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, look, I. When I first came to the bonfire, I. I was front line of the P. Diddy, and I, I. Nah, come on. No.

[Robert Kelly]

You know, our very own Kurt Metzger swears that the. You know. But granted, he's at home. Are always surrounded by red strings connecting pictures. But I do assume that Kurt says that the audio of P. Diddy butt fucking a guy in a room is very real.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And I'm prepared to just take his word with no evidence.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The one where he was the dad from Family Matters. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, no. Where he's supposed to be like Meek Mill or something.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, it is how I think butt fucking would sound.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Oh, good. Bad. Good, bad.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, good. Good again.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I assume the pullback has to feel like the. The satisfaction of taking, like, a thick shit, but then someone's kicking the shit right back up your butthole. Sorry. You walked in at a strange time, sir. Wow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We just had somebody. Okay, so what were you saying about having assets, Jay? When you have access, what's the hard Part.

[Robert Kelly]

I assume the coming out part would feel like you're taking a very relieving.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice. So that's the.

[Robert Kelly]

And then right when it's about to break off and fall into the toilet, someone kicks the right back of your asshole. That seems like the nod is great part. I assume the parade's about the second part.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think I would take the opposite. I would think the, the pushing it in would be like, oh, this is nice. That would be the. And then the pulling it back out is like, ow, ow, ow, ow. No, like, it's coming out, like, right here. Ah, that's, that's an in, out, out, out, out, out.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, no, no, no. The owls were over lapping the pull out of feeling good because you could hear the slaps go fast. There's no time for, like, I'm saying, if you were pumping slow, right? It would be like, let's say it's, let's start in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Start in.

[Robert Kelly]

We're staying with all the way in. When it's coming out, you're gonna have that like, oh, we're almost there. And then right when it gets to the relieving part of this shit's about to hit the toilet, you push it back in. It goes all the way back in aggressively, from what it sounds like in this audio.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So if you pushed it in. So pushing. Getting it all the way in is the tough part.

[Robert Kelly]

But once it's in, that's all speculation. Stop asking me like, I'm a professor. I don't know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, I, I, I would say you would know.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't. Never had a wiener up my butt.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You never had anything up your butt?

[Robert Kelly]

No. But I have had turds leave my ass. And I know that does feel good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It does feel good. Yeah, it does feel great.

[Robert Kelly]

I think we could all agree that a big old thick turd leaving your ass feels great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do you ever have a long turd leave? Of course. And then, you know, it's, it doesn't get cut off at all. And then right at the end, it just pinches off a straight up coil and there's. But there's no more poop. Like, you, you pooped one poop.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All came out like a dog came out, pinched off. And you go to wipe and there's like, nothing. You're like, wow, that's great. That's a good feeling.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, now that I've learned how to fucking gargle with my asshole, I don't have to wipe too too much.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I can't. I have to unlearn Because I learned to open it up so much, my asshole swallows some of the water. So I'll get up and then I'll walk out and be walking around and be like, ah, my asshole has to throw up.

[Robert Kelly]

No, dude, you have to bloom your. At the end.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bloom it?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I didn't know that. My asshole opened up, swallowed it.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it's going to swallow it like a gargle. It's up there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I think it's behind your balls. I don't know. That's where I think it goes. Like a camel. And then I assume it would come out right. But if you at the end, when you're firing that water up there and you feel you've taken a few in, you, you bloom.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bloom.

[Robert Kelly]

Bloom. Push, push two.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Out. And then so I believe all your butthole meat will come right to the edge and get rid of that excess water.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Prolapse a little.

[Robert Kelly]

Don't prolapse at all.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No bloom difference.

[Robert Kelly]

Bloom.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, real quick. Hang on.

[Robert Kelly]

Give yourself.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do you have an opinion on any of this? Okay, great. I apologize for you walking in on this conversation.

[Robert Kelly]

Bidet life.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's bidet life. Do you have a bidet?

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, we can get you one if Tushy ever comes back on a sponsor. We're getting everybody.

[Robert Kelly]

He's gotta be around so much ticket work. Maybe he likes his to be analog. Leave him alone. He's got his little computers everywhere he goes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He plays Atari Legal Vision and uses just dry toilet paper.

[Robert Kelly]

Dry toilet paper? Wipes. Not even wipes, dude. It's good enough for a caveman. It was good enough for us. Carnivore keto. That's called shit and keto. It's good to see you, buddy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's good to see you too, man. It's very good to see you. It's always good to see you. You make me happy, bro. You're a nice guy.

[Robert Kelly]

I say that. I've already seen you for multiple hours. We did the early show, but I.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Didn'T see you at all.

[Robert Kelly]

I like to forget that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I forget as soon as that shows over. I forget that anything about you. And then I see you again and.

[Robert Kelly]

It'S like I was trying to forget it. I was trying to forget it, but what happened? I don't know. You don't think our relationship's different now?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, it's different for you. It's better for me.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God, don't say that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I feel. Can I be honest?

[Robert Kelly]

Sure.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The fact that you did it, the fact that you did it, and you did it.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't do anything.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Stop. You did it, and you did it willingly.

[Robert Kelly]

I put something out in the world, and something was placed in it. Right. I put my hand out for something.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And you did something. The fact that you allegedly did it. Let's put it that way. You were. You were. There was no hesitation. There was no. Ooh. There was no yuck. There was just honest. Like, yeah, dude, of course.

[Robert Kelly]

Throw this song up, Lou.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. And then I walked over, and I was like, I was ready for you to reject me. Like, I was ready for you to go, get out of here, kid. And be rejected again in my life, which I've been many a times.

[Robert Kelly]

I thought you were going to be a straight white male and not put your beanbag in my hand.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. And then when you and I might. I say gently and professionally.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Professionally.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God. Well, that was it. Now we're not gonna have any tech help.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, what are you gonna do?

[Robert Kelly]

You happy I sent him hightailing out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Of here when you. I mean, it was. It was so professional and gentle. I don't know if it's from all the stuff you watched over the years. You. You knew how high to put your hand.

[Robert Kelly]

You know, that guy's gonna go, quit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's okay. He's going the HR anyways. And then. And you held him. And you honestly gave me an answer, which made me so happy.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not gonna say I held them. I held it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know what you mean by that.

[Robert Kelly]

Please don't hurt my feelings. Because it was a knot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don't.

[Robert Kelly]

Don't call it. No. Them would imply that I was holding two things in my hand.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

My balls. Pronouns are them.

[Robert Kelly]

Them that your balls have become. It's one big piece.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, because it's hot.

[Robert Kelly]

There's two balls in there for sure. But it was one big, fucking dark, dark tan.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don't. Don't do it.

[Robert Kelly]

Purpley.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don't do it.

[Robert Kelly]

Don't say purple like ball.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did you see them?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You looked at them?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Something's in your hand. You take a peek at it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll be honest with you. I haven't seen them in a long time, so I don't know if they did go perp.

[Robert Kelly]

They're. God, they were thick.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is it they, or was it one nut? Did it seem like one?

[Robert Kelly]

It. It was.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It. All right.

[Robert Kelly]

It was a.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're mispronouning my nuts, but that's okay.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it wasn't it for sure, but I'm Telling you it would. It was softball. It wasn't baseball. It was like I would have had to underhand pitch it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna say something right now. When I was 10, I went to a punk rock concert, and they put me into the pit, and then a bunch of guys kicked me in the nuts until it became one nut. So I had to go and have surgery done. And they made both nuts. They had to make one nut out of both nuts.

[Robert Kelly]

So that was your first foray into hardcore music.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So that's why you felt one nut, Just to be honest with you.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no. There's two nuts swimming around in that fucking circle. It's just like that goldfish bowl.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's one nut.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll be honest with you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

There could be 17 nuts in that. That's the point I'm making. It was already distended.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

It was like Peter Griffin's belly. I mean, it was. It's like Bert Kreischer stomach. It's like those bellies that I envy because they're not the sloppies, they're the hards.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna be honest with you. I didn't put my nuts in your hand. I put my. My. My dick stomach in your hand.

[Robert Kelly]

That's not true. Yeah, it's not true.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was my dick stuff. It was above my. That I put in your hand.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it wasn't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I couldn't. I didn't put my real balls in your hand. It was just my. My bush fat.

[Robert Kelly]

Swear to God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I swear. No, I can't. I can't swear to God because I believe in God.

[Robert Kelly]

I like you, and you're lying.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm not lying. I'm lying about that. You held my balls.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You held my actual nuts. You held my big purple. That's it. It.

[Robert Kelly]

Your big purple it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Dude. It was so gentle and professional and, I don't know, dare I say charismatic the way I did it.

[Robert Kelly]

Not hairy at all down there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. No. Harry never had hairy nuts. Very proud of that.

[Robert Kelly]

That is something to be proud of.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I got nice nuts.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't have hairy nuts, but I'm attentive to them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And I mean, just a little context. The reason why is that you said, because I'm on the. The tea junk. Have the junks get my glooping gleepins up. You thought my nuts were little tiny nuts. I had tiny nuts. And I told you I had man nuts.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And I do have man nuts.

[Robert Kelly]

We found out Jacob's got little tiny pigeon nuts.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We found out that he has small, little bird nuts.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes, Your little fucking. Your little pigeon balls like this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He has dinosaur nuts, those little baby.

[Robert Kelly]

Ones like this in a little sack that comes down.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's just a hard vein.

[Robert Kelly]

I bet Jacob's got long nuts and I bet they pull in a way that there's like. He gets like this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like a iguana thing.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he gets like the thing in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Here, a turkey neck.

[Robert Kelly]

This. He gets this. He gets like a trachea. Like a trachea down his ball bag. In the middle of his bag because there's so many lines pulling down.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's probably bright red, too. His little nut vein is red.

[Robert Kelly]

That's very possible.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, probably deep red. It gets darker in the winter. Like a purplish when it gets cold.

[Robert Kelly]

I think there's only one way to solve this. Jacob, put your nuts in Bobby's hands, please. Please, Jacob, if you would mind placing your nuts in Bobby's hands.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, do it for the show.

[Jacob]

I'm not.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not. Are you worried one of your several sponsors on your shirt are going to.

[Jacob]

Fire your nuts and Bobby's hand? You chickened out.

[Robert Kelly]

What's wrong? Are you worried that Arctic plaque.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You worried that Myers shank racers are going to dump you? Yeah, because you manned up and put your sack your little tiny.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you get a call from the brass [e-mail]?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did Cliffs tell you, hey, you better have big nuts or we're dumping you?

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob, I thought you were a team player. I didn't know that you wouldn't put your nuts in Bobby's hands.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I did it right away.

[Robert Kelly]

What do you have to. How little do you have to do with this company to stay here? How little? How little do you have to give? Not holding nuts when asked or putting your nuts in someone else? I wasn't even asking you to do anything gay. I was asking you to just put your nuts out there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Actually manly.

[Robert Kelly]

And then Bobby would be the one taking care of the stuff.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He actually asked you to do something that Vikings used to do all the time.

[Robert Kelly]

I did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. A Viking. Yes. Look it up. Vikings used to. You'd have to take your nuts like every six months if you're going into battle. You had to walk up and put your nuts in another man's hand to see if you had the nuts to go into battle.

[Robert Kelly]

Praise Odin.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. If you didn't have the nuts, you weren't going, dude. If your tea was down and your nuts were tight to your body, you stayed home and you pick berries Come.

[Robert Kelly]

To the land of the ice and snow.

[Jacob]

Put your nuts in. Bobby's there.

[Robert Kelly]

The hammer of the gods.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Valhalla.

[Robert Kelly]

I am coming. You guys want to come over? Listen to Zeppelin and do gay. Yeah, just call it Viking stuff.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Do some Viking stuff in your pool. Do naked chicken.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. No, this would be a full blown gay orgy. But Zeppelin's playing, dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob's Gollum over there naked, prancing like this, like a goblin on the thing. And Gollum with his evil. Wow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We keep looking. He's in a different spot. He's on top of your tv. There's on the fire pit.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob on a shelf.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And he's riding Dawkins.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, Jacob. You know this dude. Pull your wee.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's what he sounds like with his little nuts.

[Robert Kelly]

Put it in my mouth.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Are you playing your right now?

[Robert Kelly]

No, I'm doing it between my legs.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It looked like you were playing your asshole. It looked like you were using your asshole as an air guitar. What the is that?

[Robert Kelly]

That is my bean scene.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It looks like you're playing your. That's a whole new air guitar. I like that.

[Robert Kelly]

I got to get really high up there for the note. Bring it on home. Oh, no. Is music out?

[Christine]

There's no official video yet, but there.

[Robert Kelly]

Is official song characters. Wait, before we get into this. Yes, before I forget.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Because my pothead mine will go a thousand places. What's going on? Gay in the lobby. That is. Do you know what's going on in the lobby? That has some sort of.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's pride. It's Pride month.

[Robert Kelly]

Some. No. But today there's a very gay thing happening. For sure. They're getting ready with something and a bunch of rainbow stuff. But the beauty of it is actually.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It happened in between this show and last show. When they heard you put my nuts in your hand. They put that out there for you.

[Robert Kelly]

Every time you remind me, I'm so happy that the hand on my face isn't my right hand. You already get caught thinking with my finger in my mouth.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can I ask a question? Did you eat lunch without washing your hand?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes, you did.

[Robert Kelly]

What are you talking about? Use a whole half bottle of puree.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It doesn't work.

[Robert Kelly]

What? Don't say that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It doesn't work.

[Robert Kelly]

Why did it burn my hangnails?

[Jacob]

It kills the germs of nutsack. But it doesn't take nutsack off your hands.

[Robert Kelly]

Nothing's going to erase the memory. That's really what we need.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah. You lick your fingers.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm gonna need Soap, water. And one of those men in black things changes my history. What are you talking about, Bobby? That never happens.

[Christine]

You have not washed your hands.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're dipping into sauces.

[Robert Kelly]

And then I play my own with the same hand. What am I wash my hands twice? Whatever gay thing's happening out there, Black. Look, you go find out what the gay thing is happening and then what I want to say. It's hilarious. Also, take in when you go out there, Lou, come back and report the old. I guess it was one of Ivan Drago's old trainers who watches the front here from like 5pm on. Yeah, he always just has to sit out there with whatever they're throwing at him. So it's always funny in any picture you take out there, it's like, oh, shit, is that new Edition? Dancing in the fucking fish tank with a bunch of people watching. And then just at the desk, you just see the guy, like Russian guy, just staring forward. I'm making friends with him because when he kills everybody in this place, I'll be on top of the list to get out of here. Okay. But watching him out there now surrounded while they're just hanging gay rainbows all around him. He's just sitting there. It's one of the funniest things.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You gotta take a picture.

[Robert Kelly]

Please, Black Lou, you gotta take a picture. Go enjoy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He is. He is miserable.

[Robert Kelly]

He's miserable. He's just seeing these decorate around just like. Just gay people putting streamers all around them and rainbows. I hope they start decorating him. Putting little stickers all over them. Come on. Come on, rainy face.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I do not put gay flag yes on my chest. I do not believe in your traditions.

[Robert Kelly]

Lost my whole family in Chernobyl for this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

These guys put balls in hands. Not for me.

[Robert Kelly]

So while Black Lew is figuring that out, Corey Feldman has released the new music.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can we. Before we get to that.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You did column's wedding.

[Robert Kelly]

I did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You did a wedding?

[Robert Kelly]

I officiated. Is this your first wedding? First time ever?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Because I've done a couple of them.

[Robert Kelly]

Really?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. And they're.

[Robert Kelly]

Wow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And they're very.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, no, that wasn't sarcastic. I mean, genuinely, I was nervous.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was terrified. Because you can up somebody's big day. Big day.

[Robert Kelly]

How many people didn't understand? That was very strange to me. People didn't like. Especially people who knew I was a comic. They'll be like, what do you mean you're nervous? You do this talk in front of people. I go, no. What? Like, no, I couldn't I don't run the risk of ruining someone's biggest day of their life.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, when you talk in front of people, you're like, does she suck your asshole? That's cool.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, you can't. You can't be like, nice tits. Do you stick a finger in her butt? Okay, cool.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You guys ready to take your vows?

[Robert Kelly]

I did a lot. I did a lot of editing on what I was gonna say. And I gotta say, in hindsight, I don't regret at all taking out the N word. I don't regret it even a little bit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I was gonna drop it three times in there and then I was. And then I also had a plan. Like, oh, you guys can't handle it. Like, I was gonna. Like, I'm too edgy for the room thing, but I went against it and just said nice stuff.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, not from. Not from column side, by the way. Column side would have been like, yeah, good for you.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, no shit, dude. His dad was great when his dad came down, when they kind of announced the parents, like at the reception part. And like, his dad came as exactly what you were thinking. Just a drunk old Irishman, like fucking pump dancing, getting ready to like, humping his wife.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Shadow boxing.

[Robert Kelly]

I used to fucking crack him in the head. I did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How you live here?

[Jacob]

Just a little backward columns. A comic friend of yours?

[Robert Kelly]

Where was the show before Column?

[Jacob]

Yeah, yeah, I know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Column is a stand up comedian from Ireland. Jacob has his tie on right now.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, shit. I couldn't see under his cliffs, whatever the fuck that is.

[Jacob]

A racing jacket.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, but whose?

[Jacob]

It was given to me.

[Robert Kelly]

By who? The boyfriend.

[Jacob]

It was a gift from Josh Witz.

[Robert Kelly]

Who's Josh?

[Jacob]

Oh, yeah, friend of the show.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he's a friend of the show. He never got me a jacket with a bunch of sponsors on it.

[Jacob]

Maybe you didn't think you'd wear one.

[Robert Kelly]

Wow. Wow.

[Jacob]

It's in. It's heated.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I just feel like it's a heated one.

[Jacob]

Yeah, it's heated. No, you push a button and it heats up.

[Robert Kelly]

That's not real. Is that true?

[Jacob]

Yes.

[Christine]

That's better than a blanket.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it's way better than a blanket.

[Robert Kelly]

Let's not forget Jacob's so cold. Louis. Jacob, how are you not Lou, how are we not warming this up? Dude, when he's talking about a heated jacket he wears to work.

[Jacob]

No, no, I have it here.

[Robert Kelly]

This isn't it.

[Jacob]

It's in my office.

[Robert Kelly]

You have a different heated jacket.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, that's not a heated jacket. You're wearing.

[Jacob]

No, no. This is a heated jacket I keep in my office to bring to the studio.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Maybe you have bigger balls. You would need more heat.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that's true. If you didn't have otter. If you didn't have baby otter nuts.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. If you didn't have. If you didn't have nuts like a praying mantis, maybe. Maybe you would need a heated J.

[Robert Kelly]

If you didn't have honeybee testicles, perhaps. Yeah, yeah, there it is. That guy is not Vlad, is it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The. Vlad is the security guard at the front that literally checks nobody. All you have to do is walk up to the door and knock on it and go, let me in.

[Robert Kelly]

He goes, he just lets you in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hello.

[Robert Kelly]

I say, have a great weekend. Every day of the week when I leave is how uncomfortable I am with him. I go, have a great weekend. And then I walk on. He goes, have a great weekend. He's never questioned it. I don't question it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's out there sad with all the gay flags around.

[Robert Kelly]

It's just surrounded by gay flag. What's happening out there? Yesterday was Bruce Springsteen listening party. You see those drebs that came out?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Tucked in T shirts on a Monday.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just a bunch of middle aged hungry people. Cool people don't eat the snacks for.

[Robert Kelly]

A new Bruce Springsteen listening party.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They had to have food because they all have diabetes.

[Robert Kelly]

For the listening to a listening party, you have to sit there and eat hors d' oeuvres and look at other people and do this all day.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

And it goes. What are you talking about? The pigs in a blanket or the new.

[Jacob]

Because there's no focus. You're not staring at anything. You're just listening to music.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wait a minute.

[Jacob]

So they just put your.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They came in and just listened to his new stuff.

[Jacob]

I. I guess I didn't. I was maybe the right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

His nuts were a little too.

[Robert Kelly]

His balls were too small.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's always cold. Cause his nuts are small.

[Robert Kelly]

In bird ball town.

[Jacob]

I think you're right, Jay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They do all do the bird ball town.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. They have to listen as they have to go.

[Jacob]

This is good.

[Robert Kelly]

It sounds like classic Bruce. Oh, all things I gotta say all day to that. He goes, dude, am I crazy or is this like this? Did he just go into a time machine 25 years ago?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was singing that stupid song yesterday the way you were doing it. Pronoun, pronoun town.

[Robert Kelly]

He is him, they are them, and everybody's it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Pronoun town, pronoun town. Very catchy in pronoun town. What Are you saying Christine pronounced what's a listening party?

[Christine]

I think it's like lost albums, like, just unreleased stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

Even worse. Oh, God. It's not even his new best ideas. It's his old worst ideas.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The. That didn't make it.

[Christine]

There's another listening party going on.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, that's like going to a KISS thing and having to listen to the song. I want to rock and roll all day and party every night. You stay it wrong.

[Jacob]

This is like B sides unreleased.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Then that's Seasides.

[Jacob]

Like demos and stuff.

[Christine]

That's what the sign said out there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We should do for that guy. We should just. We should just go buy him a bunch of food and just put it on there. Go buy him. Buy him something. Just send desserts to him right now.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, here's what we have to do. Let's have Black Lou document every day that we have, like, a delivery of, like, chocolates and flowers for him, specifically his name, every day from a secret admirer at work.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That sucks, Mom. I think I'll meet her tonight.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, nice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What is it?

[Robert Kelly]

Don't worry about it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, I got one too.

[Robert Kelly]

So what is it? It's gonna be the sticker that I tan line into my above dick area. I'm gonna put it right there when I tan. Look at like a playboy, buddy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna put this on your palm so the next time you put my balls in it, it'll feel nice and safe.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my God. Dude, I gotta tell you, I held it enough your balls. That if my. If my hand was made of hyper color, it would have changed colors.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, so we got the. What's the.

[Jacob]

What's the event?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, what's the purple for on the gay pride flag? Christine under the rainbow. You don't know. You don't know the stripes. I thought you knew. You're not.

[Christine]

Stripes mean something.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're not a ally.

[Christine]

Their stripes are gay, rainbow's gay, and then the rest of it's like trans.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're not an ally. You're a fake ally.

[Christine]

I'm not an ally. I'm a d. What? In the lgbt.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What? You're a bear? No. Is that what Rebecca calls you?

[Christine]

She calls me bear.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She calls you bear.

[Robert Kelly]

Is it gonna pick up out there? Is. What's. What's happening, Lou?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I have no idea. No one would talk to me.

[Robert Kelly]

They won't talk to you? No. I try to ask two or three people. Oh, it's probably nothing. It's probably your big thick balls. Jacob, get out there. You got to see Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, go out there with your little.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I asked Boris already. He has no idea. Of course he does.

[Robert Kelly]

Boris has no Boris. They told him eight times. He won't listen. No, I just keep telling. He goes, boris, it's a gay off. It's called a gay off where everyone has gay sex in the lobby. He's like, I'm not listening. I don't know what is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, when you go out there, take two of your jackets off.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob, do me a favor though. If it fills up with gay people at some point, can black Lou follow behind you? Just playing like an iPhone of music? And you go out there and dance your way through everybody and see if anybody will dance with you. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can you dance like Al Pacino?

[Jacob]

Cruising and cruising. The greatest scene ever.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hard dancing.

[Robert Kelly]

Just go out there and just. I need and black Luke and play like, do you want a funk?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And you just go through his punky fist.

[Robert Kelly]

Party Bobby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, just do a nice cruising dance and then take one night out of your zipper. Just have it hanging out. See if you.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah. Go out there. Working on some hot stuff. Working on some hot stuff.

[Jacob]

Jacob, this evening, Jay, I think you were out that day. Have you ever seen the Cruising dancing? Al Pacino?

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Jacob]

When he's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you never saw that.

[Jacob]

Do you know the plot of Cruising, buddy?

[Robert Kelly]

It's gay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But he. Alino has Alpacino. I don't know where he drew this character from when he made this choice, but apparently gay dancing back in the 70s was aggressive and angry. It was. It's so great.

[Robert Kelly]

That's why God made aids, I think.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look at. Ready, look at. Look how all these guys back. All the gays back in the 70s were just angry and they're all getting.

[Jacob]

Banged like in the background. They're all getting.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's arm wrestling him to the dance floor. But here we go. Ready? Watch this.

[Robert Kelly]

What year is this? Why is every gay guy. Why is every gay guy looks like Eric Bosian?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wait, you got to put a bandana in my mouth. And then when your mouth. And then we. We fight it out.

[Jacob]

Now watch Al. He's getting more and more into it. Jay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, he revs. He's undercover cop, though.

[Jacob]

He has to infiltrate the gay community to find a killer.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Here we go.

[Jacob]

Here we go, Jay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Here we go, Jay. Huffing drugs. Here we go. That's how Josh dances.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that is how Josh dance.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Josh just stole all his moves from Al Pacino and Cruising.

[Christine]

I wanna look like that guy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna get a jumpsuit and Huff.

[Robert Kelly]

Josh just shaved his beard. He might be Al Pacino and cruising. And there it is, the Comedy Jam guys all kissing each other in a corner.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, so many accidental gay headbutts in this, in this dance floor. Oh, man, they're so sweaty and hot. Oh, he's putting something in there.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, for sure. And it's not coming back.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's back in the day when you could do this weird stuff at a club. Nobody can still do weird stuff. Can't do that. You can't do that. Where can you do this?

[Robert Kelly]

Gay club.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Seriously, Cristine, Where?

[Christine]

Gay clubs where Christine go out for pride.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Listen to me. This is an ad by BetterHelp. Let me tell you something. Workplace stress and anxiety is just killer for me. I'm a stand up comedian. I'm in showbiz. I do podcasts. I work with some of the funniest people in the world. You think it's all fun and games. It's not. I got to deal with egos. I got to deal with insecurities. I got to deal with all kinds of stuff. I don't want to bring that home to my family. I want to have great days. I want to enjoy what I do. BetterHelp helps me actually deal with all the stress. Workplace stress is one of the top causes of declining mental health. We can't just quit because it's stressful, but we can start with small and little. Focus of wellness therapy is the way you do this. Therapy can help you navigate whatever challenges the workday or any day might have. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. It works with. It's convenient too. You can do it from anywhere. You can join a session, click a button, bang, you're in. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Our listeners get 10% off their first [e-mail] bonfire. That's B E T T E R h e l p.com/bonfire.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey everybody. Have you noticed that everywhere you go, it seems like prices are going up? They keep saying it. The grocery store, your cars, your appliances, everything is through the roof right now. Wouldn't it be nice if prices would go down well at Metro, they've got your back. They've lowered their prices and are giving you a five year price guarantee on talk, text and data. One line now 20% lower. Family plans also lowered. And you also get a free 5G phone, all with no ID required and no activation fees. Stop by your neighborhood Metro store, Visit metro by t-mobile.com or call to find out about their amazing offers. Bring your number not available if currently at T Mobile or with Metro in the past 180 days. Guarantee covers monthly price of on network, Talk, text and 5G data for customers activating on an eligible plan. Exclusions apply Details at metro by t-mobile.com Guys, you know running a business is complicated. There's dozens of software programs that you need and they're all so expensive and since they come from different companies, they don't always play nice with one another. But what can you do, right? Odoo? That's what Odoo has all the software business owners need. We're talking sales, CRM, manufacturing websites, literally every kind of software and it's all on one platform so it works together. And and it's quality software so you're not sacrificing. It's simply a better experience than a hodgepodge of programs. You'd expect to pay a premium for it, right? But that's the most amazing part about Odoo. This interconnected suite of business software costs less than the mini mash of disconnected programs you're currently using. So the question is why spend more on software programs that are less efficient when Odoo's simple software platform can handle everything from for a fraction of the price? Discover how Odoo can take your business to the next level by visiting odoo.com that's o d o o.com odoo.com hey.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You got any fun trips coming up? One thing you probably haven't put in your packing list Learning a new language. But with Babbel you can start talking in just a few weeks. Start speaking a new language with confidence thanks to Babbel's conversation based techniques that quickly teaches you useful words and phrases about the things you actually talk in real world. Babel's awesome. It sends reminders to me. There's over a dozen languages available to learn at your own pace so you can achieve your goals with material tailored to your individual proficiency level. It's sentence building, spelling, reinforcement. It has all this stuff that makes me feel good about learning a language. Spanish is the one I'm learning and I have Italian on the side. Learn another language Babbel is gifting our listeners 55% off [e-mail] bonfire get up to 55% 5% off that babel.com bonfire spelled b a b b e l.com bonfire babbel.com bonfire rules and restrictions may apply. Gracias. De nada, pofavor. As we already know, you're not. You're a fake. You're a fake gay person.

[Christine]

I am fake gay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you're fake gay. Christine. Just write it down.

[Christine]

Tell that to please tell my dad. Trish, I'm not bisexual.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bisexual.

[Christine]

That's all. My whole family. Christine's not bisexual.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's Christian.

[Robert Kelly]

She's not even unisexual.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jesus Christ. She doesn't even flick the beat.

[Robert Kelly]

She's not even autosexual.

[Christine]

I like queers.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, we know.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob. So you're gonna find out what it is out there.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Go find out. Take that. Take that Alpha jacket off.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it's fine.

[Christine]

We obviously can't. Can't play the new Corey while you're.

[Robert Kelly]

I wouldn't.

[Jacob]

I haven't heard it.

[Robert Kelly]

I wouldn't dream it. Just find out what it is. Because I want to find out. What's the right time to send you out there twirling.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Me with everything you have.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, do you. So you did the wedding and you. And went off without a hitch. Get it?

[Robert Kelly]

Nice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How was it?

[Robert Kelly]

I was nervous as.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Did you wear a suit?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Tie? No tie.

[Robert Kelly]

No tie.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No tie. No tuck.

[Robert Kelly]

Tuck.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You tuck.

[Christine]

Custom suit. It came.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you got it.

[Robert Kelly]

One of them. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How was it?

[Robert Kelly]

It's hard to tell. I didn't see myself in it at all. I swear to God. That's true. Didn't look at myself once.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But how'd you feel?

[Robert Kelly]

Felt okay. It was hot. But two.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Could you button it?

[Robert Kelly]

I was nervous. Yeah, everything was buttoned fine.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, I don't say that to insult you because I'm. I'm a chubby, too. And sometimes you get the suits and when you put that button on the front, it's like you feel it.

[Robert Kelly]

I feel. Well, I think the button's supposed to, like. You don't want to wear that button when you sit. When you sit. It's not going to be.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. Because you're a gentleman. Gentlemen don't sit with a button.

[Robert Kelly]

Right, Right. So I wasn't worried about that. No, it's just a shirt. The only shirt he sent me, of the four shirts I got, was pink.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[Robert Kelly]

Which is dope.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

But little flashy to be doing the person giving the vows at a thing. Yeah, I thought better of that. Thank God. And then I think eventually they were also like. Yeah, we'd rather you did. They were kind of like, no, you know, if that's the shirt you got, I was like, no, no. I was saying I didn't want to do that. And then they. When they wrote back at one point, it was kind of like, yeah, you know what? Actually, if you could not do pink, I'm like, yeah, don't worry.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. If you could not look like Danny.

[Robert Kelly]

Zuko going to prom. That's what I. That's my. That's what I'm picturing in my head. Not prom. Was that prom? Was it prom or just a dance?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, dance. Dance.

[Robert Kelly]

Just a dance.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

End of the year dance.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it wasn't end of the year.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wasn't. It didn't have a carnival.

[Robert Kelly]

Plenty going on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, no, still plenty year left. Oh, I'm sorry.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I apologize. We know you're an expert.

[Robert Kelly]

That's when Rizzo showed up with crater fix. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Rizzo wasn't even knocked up yet.

[Robert Kelly]

But that is what I'm going to look like. Exactly. And mostly in that pose. Most of the time I'm wearing it.

[Christine]

Why you got pink?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I said. He goes, what's the first suit you want? And I go, I'm just going to say a couple words to you. Born to hand jive, baby. And he said, say no more. And then he sent it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But did you get the pink socks?

[Robert Kelly]

Not yet. Am I doing good? Lou, would you me at a drive through? A drive in. Everybody would me at a drive through.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Remember, we're gonna do a whole dance off Bonfire Live. And then Jim McClory was like, yeah, no, it's a radio show, you idiots.

[Robert Kelly]

We're gonna have a flat out prom.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We were gonna have a prom. He's like. He's like, yeah, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

No, still can't understand what he didn't see. Was a great idea about that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But you said we're gonna explain it. No, you guys aren't good at explaining.

[Robert Kelly]

Let us know that. We are not good at explaining things we see. Yeah, and therefore not good broadcasters.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There you go.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, we got us for another year and a half at least. What are you saying? This isn't good radio. Everybody listen.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jay's slapping his fist together.

[Robert Kelly]

Bobby, describe the. Out of this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

J's fist to fist. Overhand, overhand thumb, thumb, thumb, right thumb, left thumb back. He's hand driving, baby. And he's on his knees. Glad he's clapping.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, that's what everyone's doing this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

His fingers are up right side.

[Robert Kelly]

Explain them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Left. Left finger is pointed at me right now the hands.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Waving he's waving goodbye. He's waving goodbye. He's Waving goodbye. Now 1, 2, 3, up. Hand jiving. Thumbs. Thumbs. He's hitchhiking. Now he's getting an ice cream cone. Now he's. Now he's just putting his head looking at me.

[Robert Kelly]

Killer radio. Hey Jacob, don't worry. While you were gone we vamped by me dancing and Bobby describing it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, we did the dance we were supposed to have.

[Robert Kelly]

Everything's fine now. Jacob, please get back in your hospice bed. Sorry we sent you out for that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob. Were you behind us? Us? We're gonna. We're gonna have a prom.

[Robert Kelly]

Will you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Were you one of my. One of the Kai bosses? You. You next day it behind the scenes, right? You didn't want to do it. You next day, right? What you the dance. We're gonna do a prom and you were behind us not doing it right.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, but what did you say? What'd you say?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Next day Nixaid. Nixaid a xnade or next buddy. Real quick. I just want to let you know. I want to let you know Jay before you come down on me. I have. Wait a minute. I see a micro corrective face question I didn't hear. I have dyslexia. I don't know. I was diagnosed with dyslexia through my son who got diagnosed and it's DNA and I have a problem with words.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Christine found out she has cat aids from her cat. Her cat had it and they had sex. So do the math.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're a cat fucker, Chase.

[Christine]

Just gabbing.

[Robert Kelly]

So you're supposed to say lying. Jay's just telling secrets. Long time family secrets.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You the cat.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh man, I never a cat pop.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I didn't a kid. I'm not saying you it but you. Did you lie with a cat?

[Christine]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. Did you lie with the cat?

[Robert Kelly]

She had an emotion relationship.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You had an emotional relationship with your cat.

[Robert Kelly]

Did she try to 69 at one time?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You 69 the cat?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't think it worked cuz the cat's neck wasn't long enough.

[Christine]

I was busy having sex with grown men.

[Robert Kelly]

Christina. Two choices. She could eat the cat's from underneath or the. Or the cat could eat her and Christina have to stare at the cat's. But you can't actually 69 on a cat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No you can't. And the tongue on your hurts.

[Robert Kelly]

What? What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Cat tongue is very abrasive.

[Robert Kelly]

On your.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

On your. Yes, because it did they have the. The. It's almost like shark's teeth.

[Robert Kelly]

No. Stop explaining the Sharpness of the cat's tongue and more. How do you know it hurt your asshole?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know. Yeah, there you go. I don't know. I've heard.

[Robert Kelly]

I've heard just around town.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just around. You were cruising around crew when I was dancing.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, speaking of cruising, Jacob, it's coming full circle. What's the gay event? And tell me you got an invite.

[Jacob]

It's. It's. They're setting up for tomorrow. It's the Page Six Pride brunch. They're giving mimosas.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What do they have for food? Hot dogs.

[Jacob]

Mimosas in the lobby.

[Robert Kelly]

Tomorrow?

[Jacob]

Yes, tomorrow morning.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's actually the word trans people use when they practice the sounding like a girl. I have mimosas on Malibu beach.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's the hot during midday.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I have mimosas on Malibu beach and midday.

[Robert Kelly]

They never lean into the. To the. The deep. They always end up having like the. Ah. Because they try to go like, up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, that was that movie.

[Robert Kelly]

That's why I thought Christine was a guy for the first two years we dated.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's not.

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you were the uncircumcised little Mexican from California.

[Robert Kelly]

Wow. You'd love Christine if she swapped a wang around.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God.

[Robert Kelly]

I was from between her butt cheeks. A big old fat dick just flopped.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, I do this show for free.

[Robert Kelly]

And she doesn't. But I tell you what, if she did, Christine would have monster nuts. You guys would get along great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, she'd have huge Albanians.

[Robert Kelly]

You guys can. You guys can put your ball bags in front of you and run into each other like that, like those big hamster balls.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We could just watch TV together.

[Robert Kelly]

Ball the ball all day long.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Balls all day, all night, all day, all day.

[Robert Kelly]

Suck balls all day.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So you real quick before you get into the. The thing. But it did good. You did good. Did. Any problems? Any you up? Anything?

[Robert Kelly]

No, thank God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Get laughs where you wanted to get laughs?

[Robert Kelly]

Yes, I. My concern would have been that I rushed it, but no one said it felt this.

[Christine]

I have to say a couple things. First of all, he looked fantastic. He's never looked better in a suit. I mean, you looked amazing. Like he's.

[Robert Kelly]

He's the wrong shirt.

[Christine]

The shirt was hidden anyway. And the shirt does it is his size. It's just not custom.

[Robert Kelly]

So.

[Christine]

He looked amazing and it was so sweet. He did such a sweet job at the wedding and kind of carrying everybody through and he wasn't. He didn't like, make fun of it all, but yeah, he Was able to be sincere.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're a good guy.

[Robert Kelly]

What do they say?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Huh? No, no. What.

[Robert Kelly]

What are they.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, you're a good guy. I'm just saying you're a good. But what they say doesn't matter. I'm saying I was real.

[Robert Kelly]

I was terrified.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, terrified.

[Robert Kelly]

I wasn't even terrified.

[Christine]

Guy that wanted to date just the bride.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was really cute when I did Joe Lists. I was terrified because it was like, you know, Lewis was in the oil, you know, there was all these comics.

[Robert Kelly]

Melly, with Lewis in the audience. He walked in right when I was starting and made sort of a scene. Himself. Himself.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No way. What do you do?

[Robert Kelly]

Not a scene. He didn't make a seat. He just. I just. I just saw him because I'm looking that direction.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Coffee?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it was sponsored by Brody Brain Coffee.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The whole wedding.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Yeah. He had one of those blimps that goes around, drops samples.

[Christine]

I sat in the back so I could sit next to loose when he walked in. Then he just walked right past me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He really is.

[Christine]

I don't think he saw me till he turned around.

[Robert Kelly]

But there wasn't a ton of comics there. No, he has like, four.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wow.

[Robert Kelly]

But almost, like, in a weird way, made it scarier because again, like, the stakes are so, like, that means four people know me in there. I just met columns or just not really matter. I met her a couple times, but only spent like a couple hours with her a few weeks ago.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

For the first time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did you have sex with her?

[Robert Kelly]

I had sex with her because I really wanted to be. I wanted to speak from the heart.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right. Yeah, of course. I had sex with Sarah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I had no choice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I had sex with Joe, too.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes, exactly. You have to find out everything about everybody. He goes, and I know that you are taking. This marriage. Relationship is going to be tight. One thing for sure. With this marriage, it is. So. Yeah. It was funny when I first got there. People are doing like the said, the two. The two schools of thought that were coming me were so funny because it was people being like, dude, shut up. You're nervous. Like, you know, you do this. You talk in front of people for a living. Like, no stakes like this ever. And for one. And then the other people that were doing things like the DJ and the people who were involved like that they were. Don't know who I am at all. And they're coming up and going, like, all right, man. That goes. You're gonna do fine. I know this is like a big fear for people. But you still. You want to be able to project your voice. And like always with a microphone, you want to keep a microphone, like, just do all these things. And I'm like, thank you, man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You took it.

[Robert Kelly]

I just took every bit of it. Yeah. I said, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, yeah, yeah. Okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's hard to tell.

[Robert Kelly]

He's like, you know that you look at the size of the room, you know, you want to fill the room with your voice. You want to make sure people.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I just opened. For shame. I'm in the sphere. Back off. Just slap him with a microphone.

[Robert Kelly]

Wedding DJs, though, is a personality. It is interesting that Josh Ademiers calls himself. He calls himself a bar mitzvah DJ a lot. But a wedding DJ is a personality of a guy that I will never be friends with. A wedding d. I'm sorry, Lou. That's why you're an assistant, buddy. But you know what I'm talking about. Their energy of those guys, it is awful.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Their hand jobs. Their hand. And it's that I told Colin I.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Love DJ Lou's simple jersey. The hand jobs, they are such a beautiful way to put it.

[Robert Kelly]

The DJ does this thing. All I was tell. I warned Colin when he was telling me the name of their dj, which was pretty funny. What's. I forget.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

DJ what?

[Robert Kelly]

Mo something. Mo.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

DJ Mo. That's a dj. Tomorrow. Tomorrow in the lobby. DJ Mo.

[Robert Kelly]

DJ Mo.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey.

[Robert Kelly]

He's actually from Sirius, so tomorrow he's coming home. Mo. He. I warned Colin about their thing of the. Of the dj because they play up. And again, they're playing for your average run of the mill, nine to five job or something. Someone who's just not in the entertainment of cynicism, you know, I mean, like cynical entertainment as we are. Sure. So they. Watching them tell people, like the cringiest thing in the world is telling anybody to do what they want you to do on the. What's the take it off the garter routine. And the thing. Because I remember him telling me. And by the way, what's funny? Column said that he didn't really give him this speech, but Column sort of just did it anyway, which made me think Column's a bit of a ham, which was adorable. He'll be a wedding ham. He was a good ham. He was a good sport. Like a lot of the things that I would have a hard time doing. Like when he would come down dancing, he was doing like the. I'm the big guy, you know, like doing like his little goofy dance.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, really?

[Robert Kelly]

And that's what I didn't like about my wedding DJ guy when he was describing that. He's like, she's gonna sit in the chair and, like, you know, present her leg to you. And then. And then you're gonna put on maybe sunglasses. The guys will flip up their collars sometimes and walk around and let her know, I'm the man. Yeah, I'm the man. I'm the man. You take your little moment to be the man, and then you get down and like, maybe you play a thing where it's like she's not letting you go for the garter, and then you go. And I was like, dude, I'm gonna yank it off her leg while she's standing, which is what I did, and chuck it in behind me. I can't sink into this thing you want me to do. That's what I did. Carlos stood up and I went, where's on this leg? I went, here, just chucked it back. Yeah, you did the horror though, right? Yeah. That's Jewish. That's different.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you did where you're in the chair.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And they picked you up magically.

[Robert Kelly]

Thank God Dante was there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was gonna say, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

I invited Dante. A fight, man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was hard picking up that weird shaped Jew. Never mind. Fight.

[Robert Kelly]

Nobody's worked that hard to hold somebody in the air. Sing Xerxes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Picking up, picking up, picking up. First back then, Jay would have sucked.

[Robert Kelly]

Motherfuck, that would have sucked. I saw how I looked in that tuxedo too. And I'm like, man, I was up there. Yeah, me up. And Dante, I think, still injured from it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, well, he's actually. He lost three inches from your wedding.

[Robert Kelly]

We condensed his spine.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You made his dick bigger, though, which is weird. It shot out.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't believe gay day is gonna be over by the time we get here tomorrow. God damn it, that sucks. Can you be our representative early, Jacob?

[Jacob]

Not that early, no.

[Robert Kelly]

Come on, dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Come on, brother.

[Robert Kelly]

You can't just put on a short shorts and do the worm through just for the footage, buddy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Get it. Get a leather cop hat and do a nice, nice angry dance in the lobby, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

We were having. Rebecca, were you there? Were you at the skanks last night for this? This was so funny. I never thought. To all the people that Chappelle's like, just the odd ducks that he's friends with through his life. We just kept telling Jake, our intern, to go downstairs and slap or do something violent to just pick a name of a hilarious black, like, friend. Celebrity Of. Of him. So it's like, Jake, right now, you're not going to go downstairs and slap Fife Dog and Q Tip in the face. You're not going to go kick Brand Newbie in the nuts. Right now. It's just the weirdest group of people walking past us. And then eventually Chappelle's security guy came up to Jake, and it's happening right outside the door of the room we're in. And he kind of had like a. What's going on, man? Why you keep trying to act like you're coming downstairs? And Jake just points it over to us. He's like, oh, these guys. We go, jake, kick. This guy's fucking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Those guys.

[Robert Kelly]

Jake, don't take the fucking shit from Chappelle's fucking cronies, dude. Feed his ass. And then the guy just literally, like, just like, stared at, like, Jake and us and, like, slowly backed off. And they closed the door. Like, I hope we get Jake. I go, jake, if you get beat up for the show, dude, you're a member forever for sure. But it was funny that Jake looked over us, he goes, oh, no. These guys were just saying, we go his up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jake, don't listen to peer pressure.

[Robert Kelly]

We tell him to fight this guy. The guy was a house dude. The guy was a monster. Still towering over Jay. Jay, go take those. We had no idea who this guy is. Just Chappelle's security. Go punch him in the face.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I can guarantee he doesn't have a sense of humor.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, no, for sure. They asked Joe Harari went downstairs, they asked him if he wanted to jump on Big J's podcast upstairs. And he said he turned his head like a dog. He didn't understand what any of the words were.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Podcast?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, podcast. Big J, upstairs, small room. You don't say any of those words.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You mean a radio show?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, man, what you talking about?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Was it little Kev's security almost me.

[Robert Kelly]

Up at the airport?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, at the airport, there was just his crew.

[Robert Kelly]

When you kicked his bags over?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, when he walked up and he was like, yeah, Bobby, look at you. There's two times he saw me where I. When I was on Opie and Anthony. And he walked in, he goes, God damn, this is one of my fattest. He goes, bobby, what the fuck happened? You look like shit. And everybody laughed. He goes, here's a thousand dollars, man. Go take care of something. I took the money and I left. I took the money, I went home, bought food.

[Robert Kelly]

He just bought terrible food with it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then when I saw him at the end. Airport. I was so. Dude, weekend didn't sell well. Sad. Just trying to get home.

[Robert Kelly]

I've been coming by with I'm in zone luggage.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm in zone three. I'm sitting there waiting, and he pulls up.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God. I just rubbed your balls in my eyes for sure.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

J. J, you all right? What happens if your sight gets better and your eye turns this beautiful ocean blue? You're like Marilyn Manson. So, yeah, I was sitting there. Last person in the world I wanted to see. Walks up seven, eight deep. He's got Louis Vuitton backpack, Louis Vuitton. Beautiful black stack of luggage. Stack of luggage rolls up to me, and I'm just. I'm literally. I think I had stains on my shirt from sandwich I just ate.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, you spilled a airplane sandwich. I think airport sandwiches have been so cold, nothing breaks off of them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was swollen. Just sodium all weekend.

[Robert Kelly]

Just sat as red, bright red.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He rolled up, he goes, bobby, what the man? And I just kicked his luggage across the floor. And I looked at one of his guys. I go, go pick that up. And he had to little. Get me to pick it up, but.

[Robert Kelly]

He had to tell them that, like, you were like, his. Like. He's like, no, no, no, I know him. I know him. I know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah. I was at the Village. I was at the Village, and he just rolled in with, like, five, like, you know, Navy seal, black dude. Security.

[Robert Kelly]

He has to tell those guys to heal. Like, Dobermans.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, they came up, and I was in the. I just. I walked up, you know, small talk. Bob. What's up, fellas? Yo, man, you got to relax. It's a comedy club. You guys gotta smile more. And he just looked at me, went, no. And I was like, all right, dude, I'm gonna. I'm gonna just take off.

[Robert Kelly]

Kev, which one of these guys you want me to drop first? Dealer's choice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He just went, no. I was like, all right, dude, I'm gonna just. I'm gonna go do a spot. I got another spot. I'm a. I'm a nobody. I'm gonna tell some dick jokes.

[Robert Kelly]

Rolling into a comedy club of security feels pretty queefy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a queef move, you know?

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, if you have to, you have to. I don't know. Yeah, but also, again, like, that's not publicized things going. Kev might have, like, a right now current, violent, every city he's in, stalker. That's true. You know what I'm saying? That is true.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He might have that. And I mean, I get that.

[Robert Kelly]

That we don't know about because they don't publicize it because they give people what they want. So I get it. Like, there's a reason, but I just say it feels like just like there's nothing funny about the situation. Even if you have to go, all right, I'm gonna go bust balls. These guys. You guys stand here by the door and look at everybody who walks in. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're gonna throw them a Scooby Snack so they stay. Yeah, stay. I'm gonna go make jokes. They're gonna say mean things about me. Everybody at that table is gonna laugh at me. I don't want you to attack them.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes. Those people. These people over here are my friends. Don't kill them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, yeah, Cat's been very mean to me, but a very funny way. I was at the Cellar one night, and he walked in, and I was saying shit to him, and he walked up and he whispered to me. He goes, nobody knows who you are. And he went downstairs and did a set, and it was like.

[Robert Kelly]

And they said we were Kevin Hart. And people passed out with excitement.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, I was on. I was on the. I was on the Pussycat one night doing my show, and I think it was Chappelle went over to the bar to do a spot, and you could hear, like, I had, I don't know how many, maybe 20 people at my show. And then you heard the place erupt next door. And I went. Somebody came in and goes, chappelle's next door. And the whole. My whole audience just turned and looked at the door to the other club, and I went, you made the wrong choice. You up. You could have just went to that show right there. Right now you're gonna sit here and sit through final fat jokes.

[Robert Kelly]

That's interesting.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Weird. Weird.

[Robert Kelly]

It's funny when I said the people that you know from before fame, when they get fame on them, and you can't. Even if you know them on a level far beyond that, you can't not see that. Like. Like Schumer, for instance, because I know you knew Schumer before any of the fame. And now she's famous. Well, beyond stand up, too.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Just like, famous on a level that if she was like. If you were having, like, a house party now of some sort, and like, oh, Schumer's coming by. It still resonates in you where you go, like, whoa. When there was a time where you, like, may have made an excuse to not have Amy Schumer. Because, like, I don't Have Amy Schumer do you know, I mean, like making excuse. They're still like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They used to come up with.

[Robert Kelly]

They gain celebrity of. And it's like it gets on them where you can't help but feel too. I brought Shane to Skank specifically when he came to do Bonfire with soda the one time I was like, come down with me. And he's like, you think it's gonna be cool? He said, I don't want to like barge it on the show. And he's afraid now. It's like now Lewis and us annoy him. Shane, Shane, Shane, Shane.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Shane, Shane, Shane. Yeah. Amy and Norton used to come up for ice cream to my. Just to get ice cream. Pinkberry.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, they knew you had it in my house.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I didn't have a Pinkberry at my house. Just down the street.

[Robert Kelly]

You got a Pinkberry machine installed in your house?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I would though. I have a new thing, Greek yogurt with protein powder with honey. So good.

[Robert Kelly]

We do. We need a couple swap. I mean, dawn are going to go and smoke pot and do drugs and you and Christine can just eat until you shit in front of each other.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Me and Christine are so much more compatible. Compatible, totally. And you are way more compatible with my wife. Absolutely. Yeah. You both are viciously mean. You micro correct and you have tone. Me and Christine like food and we like to talk about our feelings. Yeah.

[Christine]

We're not nice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, we're nice. We love animals.

[Christine]

We like to uplift each other.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We actually love vacations. Yeah. We like doing things. Yeah. Yeah. You. You and Don could just sit at the house and smoke pot and listen to music and not talk to each other.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. That's not bad.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Does she like horror movies?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, she love whatever the fuck you want to watch, you'll watch. She has no input whatsoever is what you want.

[Robert Kelly]

Nice. Old school. Old school.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So you. You did the wedding, but was there. Can I just hear a little bit of your vows? Because when I wrote my vows, my uncle is a professional justice of the peace. He's a cop in Boston, but he marries people like all the time. So I called him and he sent me. They have, you know, these guys have these things. So I took some of his stuff and just made it mine and then made it personal through to Joe, Listen Sarah and then Joe Russell and his wife Olivia. But like, I. It was hard to come up with something. You want to be too cheesy, right? And you don't want to. Oh, you want to sound like a Lewis poem.

[Robert Kelly]

I think I said Like, a sentence or two about. I said. The reality was I was able to say, like, I don't know them very well.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How'd you open up?

[Robert Kelly]

It was like, script stuff.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do you remember?

[Robert Kelly]

It wasn't very interesting as far as, like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ladies and gentlemen, did you say welcome? Hey, everybody. I'd like to welcome everybody.

[Robert Kelly]

Thank you all for coming out, being here on this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that energy.

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I want to see the energy. Just give me the energy. Come on.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't remember what I said.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just give me the energy. Just make it up.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, ready? Thank you all for being here on this very, very special day. Joining Column and Jess as they share their vows and begin their lives together forever, blah, blah. It's just like that. But I didn't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I said, like, what was one of the jokes? The funnies. You had a funny.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, well, the funny was again, I didn't have to say too. Too much, quite honestly. And then when it got to the. I said, it says here on the script, speak from the heart. So I go, I really don't know, J. I know Column. I've seen Colum without Jessica many times, and that's pretty insane. So I know when I saw them together, she definitely evens them out while letting him be himself. That's, like, probably the most thoughtful thing I said, okay. And then I was like, they filled out a questionnaire with some fun facts about him, and it says they met at Citi Field when Column turned the corner and saw his friend Kevin chatting this girl up. And then when he walked over and she heard Column's accent, like, she never looked back. That's what the thing said. I was like, kevin's here tonight. And he was. And he by himself. I was like, kevin, are you here with a chick tonight at least? And he was like, no. He just shook his head now. And I was like, damn, that sucks. And then I went back to the thing, and then I was like, they've written their own vows they want to do. And then so I put the mic in front of her, and she did her vows, which were super sentimental, sweet. Four turned pages of stuff. It was great. And really. And when I took the mic after that, I went back, and I was like, oof. Death blow, Kev. That's it for sure. It's over for sure now. That was a death blow, dude.

[Christine]

My favorite was when columns sent, like, the outline of what to say. It says, wedding ceremony. Run of show.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, run of show. It's a comedy show.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Christine's nipples got hurt because was such producer Talk.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah. I was like, great wedding, though. Food was fantastic. Really?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Irish. Irish people food.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I'm good. No, no, no. Whatever this hall is, it's like their food for sure.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Was it. Was it a. In New York, Manhattan, Jersey? In Jersey near you Central?

[Robert Kelly]

No, down. Almost South Jersey, actually.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right.

[Robert Kelly]

But it was out there. But yeah, she has a great family. For sure. Big, big family.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Was it a big wedding, a lot of people?

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did you have to stay the whole time or was there. What was your. Well, my exit strategy is this. We go, we hang out, we do the food, we wait for them to dance a little bit, and then, hey, we get back the babysitter.

[Robert Kelly]

I think we were all in 4pm to 10.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Christine]

It was a really beautiful venue. It was the most.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Who paid for that? Her dad, folks. No, it wasn't, Colum. It was the most column would have done.

[Robert Kelly]

This poor guy. This poor guy. Three daughters weddings in the last two years.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

God damn it. So glad I had a boy.

[Christine]

I had never been. Jay's wedding was kind of like this. Apparent I'd never been to a wedding in, like a beautiful hall.

[Robert Kelly]

I wish I would have known. I would have invited you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you would have banged you too, while you're getting married there, Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

Don't make jokes like that. My wedding song was Faithfully by Jared.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Was it really?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

And everybody laughed.

[Robert Kelly]

Everyone laughed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Everybody should laugh. Everybody should laugh.

[Robert Kelly]

Me and Carl looked at each other. We went. Oh. We didn't think this out. We just liked the song. We didn't think about what the connotation was.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Didn't we go to a swing club last weekend?

[Robert Kelly]

It's not even that. We were just very publicly, like, in like, cheating scandals. Me and her, like, several times.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Mine was, what is my. Me and Donna. Billy Joel.

[Robert Kelly]

Take this job and shove it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, it's not Billy Joel. Billy Joe.

[Robert Kelly]

We didn't start the fire.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no.

[Robert Kelly]

Mania.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What is it? My wedding song. Oh, it. It. What's that song about?

[Robert Kelly]

1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, that's not it. Not it.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. It's only a good day Young.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, that's not it.

[Robert Kelly]

Captain Jack will get you high tonight. Oh, nutsack bass play.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it was. What's the one about the girl doesn't.

[Robert Kelly]

Have to change, huh? Loving you just the way you are.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Just the way you are. That one. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Hacky.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You. You had Faithful you.

[Robert Kelly]

I know. Biggest laugh of the night. Killed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, well, me. Me and Donna loped.

[Robert Kelly]

This was just you guys dancing to each other.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We were dancing. Yeah. We danced by a pool with other people that weren't in the wedding.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That was humiliating.

[Robert Kelly]

And then when it was humiliating, then when the Elvis do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And they put us, like, by the pool and sectioned us off so everybody was just looking at us. And they kept cleaning the glasses, so we had to keep kissing, which was annoying.

[Robert Kelly]

What if you guys weren't dancing good?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We danced all right. We slow white danced. That was all right.

[Robert Kelly]

And everyone was talking about, did you have hand and palm?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I had no back. And then. Yeah, not handed, palm. Holding her hand, I think clutching fingers like this. And then hand on the back.

[Robert Kelly]

Too old.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What do you mean, too old? It's not romantic, dude. It was romantic. I brought her up to the room and I forgot that the new hotel doors. I was thinking like movies, you kick the door open, but they swing back for that security protection. And it hit her right in the fucking noggin.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, that's a heavy door, too.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And I remember her just whack. And she went, ow. And I had to put her on the bed and get ice for her head. And then we made. We made mediocre. We had mediocre sex. That was pretty mediocre. I'm gonna fight at a luau. Because I didn't. I was like, I don't like poison.

[Robert Kelly]

I can fight it a little fat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bob didn't have enough food at the luau. I got mad. I got mad that they fed us. They fed a food. I thought, Lou, I was gonna be like, just me being a fat Hawaiian.

[Robert Kelly]

I do love that. I love it. Dawn loves you just the way you are, or you love her just the way she is, but you had to cut half your stomach out. Love you more.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, she had to take those weird boobs up before they killed her.

[Robert Kelly]

You kept them, though, right, to make earmuffs?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I didn't. I don't have them. I actually made a toy for Doodles and Dawkins.

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I did. I put rope on it so you could throw it around the backyard.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't want you to do. I wanted you to give them to me and see if I can make them. Floating coasters. I have a new idea for floating coasters. As a guy, there's a pool now, and sometimes you need floating coasters. I noticed that because if I leave my drink on the side of the pool, it gets hot from the ground. Floating coaster would be from all of your former pig slutty wives who had their. Not yours. She's a. She's an angel.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay? Thank you.

[Robert Kelly]

I appreciate that, but the rest of these fucking go nowhere. Stripper sluts.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Appreciate the addendum.

[Robert Kelly]

Who? Eventually. Not. Not dawn, though.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

The rest of these garbage animals, when you take your things out, sell them on ebay as floating coasters. I call them flowsters.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, don't get close to flanker, huh? Maybe if we add the flowsters with the flanker.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God. Dude.

[Robert Kelly]

Mm. Well, I've also been working on a new thing called a nautical trigger. It's a thing that you'll push, and it shoots the sail up. A nautical trigger. Nautical trigger. Nautical.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no. We gotta take a break. Listen, everybody stop. We're gonna take. We gotta pay some bills here. We'll be right back. Stay tuned. Shh. It's the bonfire.