Bum-chucks

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly – Episode: "Bum-chucks"

Release Date: December 13, 2024

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1. Introduction to Yacht Rock Documentary

The episode kicks off with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly delving into their recent viewing of a yacht rock documentary available on Max's Music Box platform. Big Jay shares his thoughts on prominent figures in the genre:

• Big Jay (01:33): "I watched yesterday the yacht rock documentary... Michael McDonald should have held together. He's too fat now to be Michael McDonald."

He praises Christopher Cross, referring to him as "one of the most badass dudes ever" for stepping in to fill Richie Blackmore's role during a Deep Purple performance.

• Big Jay (04:34): "Christopher Cross may be a fucking badass. Why is Christopher Cross sailing? Maybe one of the most badass dudes ever."

2. Authenticity of Thundercat's Music Video

A significant portion of the discussion centers around Thundercat's "Heart to Heart Live" video. The hosts debate whether the portrayal of an armless samurai is real or a product of CGI:

• Robert Kelly (15:03): "He has arms. But do. Yes, you can."

• Big Jay (16:03): "They faked his arm missing... That's why this."

The conversation becomes heated as they argue over the authenticity, with Robert insisting that the individual genuinely lacks arms, while Big Jay remains skeptical.

• Robert Kelly (19:04): "He has arms."

• Big Jay (21:11): "So he lost his arms and he gained a weird amount of weight."

Ultimately, they conclude that the armlessness is a character portrayal rather than a real-life condition.

3. Opinions on Machine Gun Kelly

The hosts shift their focus to contemporary artists, specifically Machine Gun Kelly (MGK). Robert expresses his appreciation for MGK's music, while Big Jay offers a contrasting viewpoint:

• Robert Kelly (40:21): "I like that music."

• Big Jay (40:28): "Machine Gun Kelly's terrible."

• Robert Kelly (40:22): "He's a tool. I agree. He's a tool."

Their differing opinions highlight the subjective nature of music appreciation within the comedy duo.

4. Critique of Questlove

Questlove, the renowned drummer and member of The Roots, becomes the next topic of contention. Both hosts share critical remarks about his persona and appearance:

• Big Jay (24:25): "He smells like French toast."

• Robert Kelly (26:00): "He lost a lot of weight, though. He did lose weight."

• Big Jay (32:53): "He looks like Cornell north, east, and South. All the other Cornells rolled into one."

Despite recognizing Questlove's talent, their mockery centers on his style and public persona.

5. Sexual Banter and OnlyFans Proposal

The episode takes a more explicit turn as the hosts engage in playful yet crude sexual banter. They brainstorm humorous and outrageous ideas for creating OnlyFans content, involving nunchucks and exaggerated sexual acts:

• Big Jay (57:26): "Nunchucks up our asses is the most original idea in all pornography."

• Robert Kelly (58:37): "We call them bum chucks. I bet somebody already did that."

The conversation serves as a comedic exploration of pushing boundaries within adult content creation.

6. Conclusion and Final Remarks

As the episode wraps up, Big Jay and Robert Kelly reflect on their discussions, blending humor with candid opinions. They maintain their signature blunt and unfiltered style, ensuring listeners are entertained through their offbeat and often controversial commentary.

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Notable Quotes:

• Big Jay (01:33): "Michael McDonald should have held together. He's too fat now to be Michael McDonald."

• Robert Kelly (15:03): "He has arms. But do. Yes, you can."

• Big Jay (24:25): "He smells like French toast."

• Big Jay (40:28): "Machine Gun Kelly's terrible."

• Big Jay (57:26): "Nunchucks up our asses is the most original idea in all pornography."

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This episode, "Bum-chucks," exemplifies Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly's dynamic as they navigate through music critiques, personal opinions on celebrities, and unrestrained comedic exchanges. Their candid discussions offer listeners an unfiltered look into their perspectives, making it a memorable installment in The Bonfire series.

Transcript

[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Robert Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Robert Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ooh. Are you ready to have your own High Five moment? Well, visit High Five casino dot com. That's high. The number five casino dot com. No purchase necessary. Vord were prohibited by law. Must be 21 years or older. Terms and conditions apply. And now the bonfire with Big J oon and Robert Kelly. I watched yesterday the yacht rock documentary. Did you watch it, Lou? Yes, it was pretty good.

[Robert Kelly]

What was it on?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's on Max, right? Music box. Yacht rock documentary. And I'll tell you another one who just somewhere, Michael McDonald dipped off out for a year and came back almost morbidly obese. He's so fat. And These are my two revelations from that. Michael McDonald should have held together. He's too fat now to be Michael McDonald. And two, Christopher Cross may be a fucking badass. Why is Christopher Cross sailing? Maybe one of the most badass dudes ever.

[Robert Kelly]

Why?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think he got his start, like, he was a guy in the audience. Am I right about this? He was like a guy in the audience. And Deep Purple was like Richie Blackmore, their main guitar guy. Richie Blackmore can't play tonight. Anybody want to fill in for Richie Blackmore? And Christopher Cross did it.

[Robert Kelly]

But that must have been a setup. That wasn't real.

[Christine]

No, they were. It was like their first show in America and he got sick and they knew him as a studio musician. Recommended.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. Okay. That is not as good as.

[Robert Kelly]

That's 100% not as good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think I was thinking of the movie Rockstar that's in the audience. But no, there was something else. Like he was like, oh, and he wrote like Ride like the Wind or one of those things. He wrote it like on acid, like driving down Sunset or something. Everything about him was a badass.

[Robert Kelly]

Makes sense. What's the lyrics to Ride like the Wind? Besides that part?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know any of the lyrics. Just ride like the wind, right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Kenny Loggins is as gay as you think. But God damn, the guy can write a song, couldn't he? He wrote what a Fool believes Kenny Loggins wrote that.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't know that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I didn't know that either. So many fun facts. I get to yell at other people now and act like they're assholes for not knowing.

[Lou]

Yeah, I didn't. Honestly didn't know what?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That he's gay? No, he's not gay. I'm saying, you know, Kenny Loggins is like pretty gay.

[Lou]

He's wrote highway to the Danger Zone.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, for sure. That was almost the gayest thing ever. He went from long haired, like silk shirt tied in the middle, singing, and then he immediately went to like spiked mullet sleeves up on the blazer, like, tight pants rock.

[Robert Kelly]

But don't you like. I rather have a guy get old, fat and disgusting than Kenny. What he's doing with his face? Oh my God, he's still dying his beard, which is weird.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And I feel like there's like twist knobs in the back of his head.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Pull his face back. Yeah, I'll tell you, they show him in this documentary. If you could find Christine alive or just type in Kenny Loggins Heart to Heart Live. I'll see which one it is. It was. There's so many. There's like Thundercat and Questlove are the two black representatives of like yacht rock does rule. Oh, and Prince Paul. DJ Prince Paul, who's like a fucking big time producer. He's one of the grave diggers with RZA and stuff. And he's talking about it all too, because it is music you grew up with. But how much they talk about how much they love Kenny Loggins, like putting his oomph into Heart to Heart when he sings it. And I mean, he couldn't look queefier.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, Loggins. Oh my God, I don't remember what he looked like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, this was.

[Robert Kelly]

I just know him from now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, is that Go down from. Yeah, back in the day.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. He looks like shit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think that might be it. Yeah. 82.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, he's let his hair grow gray. That's good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. There it is. Turn it up. Oh, Sheldon, you recognize it? Lou, look at that outfit.

[Robert Kelly]

A pink blazer with shoulder pads. Remember? Shoulder pads were in. Were you too young for that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I had shoulder pads.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no. Your suits when you were a kid had shoulder pads.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I remember the shoulder pads with the.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don't forget, I was a model for tuxedos.

[Robert Kelly]

What? I'm sorry. I can't forget it because I never knew that. I'm sorry.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes, I was a tuxedo model.

[Robert Kelly]

For what?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

My mom was. Worked at a tuxedo rental place, Smalls Formal Wear.

[Robert Kelly]

So you stood in the window.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nope. They would have to do fashion shows and show, like, their new stuff. And I would be the ring bearer.

[Robert Kelly]

You would be the little.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I have to walk down and open the thing up and give you a little shot of the inside lining.

[Robert Kelly]

I was a ring bearer, too, at my mom's second wedding.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I had the tails. They gave me the tails.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let me hear it.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me hear it. Now, if you go to this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's so soulful. But I tell you what, when you're just a man singer of this kind of music and not playing any kind of instrument, it does make it particularly gayer. 100%.

[Robert Kelly]

Because you have to sway.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you could play a guitar or even the piano would be nice. That's why Michael McDonald's the coolest. Michael McDonald stays behind the keys.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Because you have nothing to do, and you have to do moves.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Kenny Loggins isn't playing guitar here. So he's just swaying and dancing around with his knees tight together.

[Robert Kelly]

There's only five moves you can do to this. It's the knees together.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's the hips, maybe both hands. Like, you can't. Like you're really bringing it in. Like.

[Robert Kelly]

And then you got to do the step back. The 1, 2, 3, crouch down into your bum like you sitting.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

And then come back forward. There's only a few moves you could.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do a little falsetto, but this gained the respect of many black people.

[Robert Kelly]

He actually has the same moves as Dane Cook on stage.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now. They also gave. They also gave a lot of fun facts that I already knew about. Steve Lukather and the Toto Boys are basically the root of everything.

[Robert Kelly]

I love that you take so much pride in knowing stupid shit like that that nobody cares about.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It all leads into another thing and another thing. They do they do the little. They do the little plan of the apes disease things spreading out.

[Christine]

I think he actually just found that out on Sirius not that long ago. What, the toto thing?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right.

[Christine]

Didn't you hear that? On Sirius long time ago.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Z Rock days. Wow. Whoa.

[Lou]

What was that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That toto is the. Basically the people from Toto. The Picaro brothers and Steve Lukather, Christine, were the studio musicians for almost every one of these albums.

[Robert Kelly]

Christine's not believing it. Christine, back up a little bit specifically.

[Christine]

Was it Thriller album? Maybe that's what you heard.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, that's the one I knew for sure.

[Robert Kelly]

Christine, do you want to go negative one pivot again? No. Is this what you have to say?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll tell you what. Your pivot's gonna be held up by your face on the glass.

[Robert Kelly]

Jay gets mad when you fuck with his. His music history.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jesus. But I will tell you and see. Go around the room, see if anyone can get well blue. You already know the answer.

[Robert Kelly]

Nobody's going to guess.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, this isn't.

[Robert Kelly]

This is. This is one of Jay's things. We all have to feel like. Cuz we don't know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know. I wouldn't have said this. I would have like. I would have guessed this answer. This was interesting. I thought if I would have thought about it, maybe it would have been a guess. I don't know. Who is the band that they really attribute to it all? Branching the genre of yacht rock? Who is the ultimate yacht rock? I'll give you to band.

[Robert Kelly]

They are the epitome of yacht.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They're the epitome of yacht rock at all. And it all springs off. Nope. It all springs off of this group.

[Robert Kelly]

This is why I didn't want to even venture a guess, because your nopes make me feel like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, they shouldn't. I'm just. I'm letting you keep moving. Keep guessing. I wouldn't have known this either.

[Robert Kelly]

But you should have said no. That's that right? This is your Nope, nope, nope. I hear stupid when you say that. Stupid dummy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm not him, Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

All right? You're not him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm not that guy that hurt you, Billy.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, you sound like him sometimes. And you have the same hair.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He knew a lot about yacht rock too, and he hated that. I didn't know enough. No, it's just a pure.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, it was a band. It was a band.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a band.

[Robert Kelly]

What year? Give me the year. Can you give me a little year? 70s, 70s, mid-70s, Gap Band through the 80s. No, they're not yet. The disco. Okay. I said Aro Speedwagon. Right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You did.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. Yacht rock band.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, you could throw someone out there if you have any ideas.

[Robert Kelly]

He has no idea.

[Lou]

I always want to say some of the Eagle stuff, but it's not in fact.

[Robert Kelly]

And they have no elements of jazz.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank you. That's the thing. It's. It's a poppy jazz. ABBA is the thing. No, no, that's way better.

[Robert Kelly]

That made me feel.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby. Jazz sound.

[Lou]

I would have said Toto. How do you not?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I would have guessed. Toto would have been my guess because it's all those guys play on everything. But it's a certain band that you don't even realize. A lot of the Toto guys did their out. Did their music, too. But there was the band where they kind of figured out their own thing. Toto essentially wanted to be like this band, Right?

[Robert Kelly]

City Rollers.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now you're thinking.

[Lou]

You're thinking Huey Lewis and the new Hugh.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Too new. They were too new. They were too new.

[Lou]

That was eight session musicians. They actually did Elvis Costello's first album.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Elvis Costello. Also. Not yacht rock. Nope. The pinnacle of yacht rock. If you want a yacht rock album, there's going to be four songs for sure by this band on every yacht rock list.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. Blue.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can I guess?

[Robert Kelly]

Sure.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm just gonna throw a white band out there.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay, it's either Luther knew. I thought he was cheating. No, it's either the Beach Boys or the Beatles.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The Beatles.

[Robert Kelly]

Wow. The Beatles are rock.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That was a terrible guess. I'm just throwing it out there. I don't know.

[Robert Kelly]

Beach Boys.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Beach Boys wasn't a bad guess.

[Robert Kelly]

That was a good guess.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

For a young black man, that was a fantastic.

[Robert Kelly]

The Doors.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The Doors. Do you know what yacht rock is?

[Robert Kelly]

I do, I do, but this is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why you're not naming any of the bands from it.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. I think if I played them for him, I don't think he would get it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes, he would.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, good. Play it. Yeah, play it real quick. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So now you know it.

[Robert Kelly]

I know the song.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sang by the band that started Yacht rock.

[Robert Kelly]

The Sensational 7.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

Sensational 7.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

See, that's not even the name of a band.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, it's not? Are you sure?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no.

[Robert Kelly]

I bet there's a band.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jane, we don't know who plays who sings it. Give him another one.

[Robert Kelly]

God, I do. I love that song, too.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Mm. You're doing good. Give another one. They're not. They're A hit machine.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my God. I know this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hit him with another.

[Robert Kelly]

Staley Dan.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank you.

[Robert Kelly]

And she should know that.

[Christine]

Oh, I knew, but I.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, she watched it last night.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, she.

[Robert Kelly]

Because she didn't know that before.

[Christine]

I mean, I feel like I may have guessed it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She could have had a guess.

[Robert Kelly]

Didn't she have a thing with you with Steely Dan before?

[Christine]

Yes, I did.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes, you did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, she called that it was a song. That was stealing. I didn't think it was Steely Dan.

[Christine]

Dirty Work, which is like a pretty popular song.

[Robert Kelly]

Steely Dan. Wow. I didn't know that. That's crazy. And it is very yacht Rocky.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, they're.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, the idea that they apparently came from a web series. I didn't even know that was a thing. And the idea was like, the music sounds like a million bucks. Not necessarily music to listen to on a yacht. It's just a million. But. And they said like Loggins and Messina. I think it was taken from like their album cover or someone's them, like on a boat, whatever. So that's what they just kind of took the term and kind of threw it together.

[Robert Kelly]

I always thought yacht rock was because it's like older people on a yacht listen to this shit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But I think it is. I think it's what it brings out to you in your having this song here.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes. Perfect.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is for music to drink. Some kind of spritz or two.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. You should definitely have a picnic basket.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

An old lady getting day drunk.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Some lady being obnoxious.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't care if your boyfriend's colored. I just would not have a family day today.

[Robert Kelly]

She has a whole spread but nobody eats it because they're shit faced.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. No one cares. Brought shrimp from yesterday.

[Lou]

I wouldn't.

[Robert Kelly]

Now, is there ever going to be a band? Do you think there's ever going to be a. Or is there maybe a band now who is doing yacht rock? Bringing it back or doing it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Not just cover bands.

[Robert Kelly]

There's no. There's no original.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Because there's no original so many types of music anymore.

[Christine]

Well, I didn't know why this guy was in the documentary Thundercat and then it was because he did a song with Michael McDonald and Kenny Loggins.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But I think that's hilarious.

[Robert Kelly]

Jesus, he looks like a Thundercat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Put it on.

[Christine]

Remember he. They said, like, he asked who he wants to write with the most and he said the two of them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You made a yacht rock rap.

[Robert Kelly]

He's telling his parents he's gay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's telling his gay parents he's gay.

[Robert Kelly]

Those are two women. TKM Wellness. He has no arms. He has no arms.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's missing an arm.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, both arms. I think both arms.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think there was one. Was there?

[Robert Kelly]

Can you scroll back? I just want to see one thing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right there.

[Robert Kelly]

He has. Both arms are gone.

[Lou]

Both arms.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Both arms are gone. He has.

[Robert Kelly]

Both arms are in a knot. His sleeves are knotted up. Who tied the knots, by the way?

[Lou]

It's like. Is that a pirate?

[Robert Kelly]

Do you have to say honey, balloon, Honey, can you please tie my knot? Arms.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How is his chest so big with nowhere to hold weights?

[Robert Kelly]

How does he play the piano?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I'll tell you how. This guy doesn't have no arms.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah, he's. He's doing it for the video.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Why would he do that?

[Lou]

What do you mean he has no arms?

[Robert Kelly]

He has.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, look at his body. His body was like. His arms are.

[Christine]

Yeah, it's like a costume.

[Lou]

What is the point of this commercial? This video, then?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We're about to find out.

[Robert Kelly]

No, he has no arms.

[Lou]

I mean, that's.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, buddy. He has no arms.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, I think they're in front of him now. It's always the perspective shot. His body's not normal. It's because his arms are there.

[Robert Kelly]

Can you Google him regular after this, please?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby, Come on, Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

That's his stomachs. That's his stomach, dude.

[Christine]

Behind his stomach, on the side.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Where? See his arms now they be in front of him.

[Robert Kelly]

I hope he has no arms. And I. I'm sorry to say that to him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What if conveniently not showing his arms?

[Robert Kelly]

All I know is in the documentary, everybody had their arms.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This song sucks. For three decades worth of he.

[Robert Kelly]

The guy just slapped this guy and black stuff came out of him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

His arms grow back. No, I bet you by the end of this video, his arms are back. Bobby. Bobby. Bet me a million dollars right now.

[Robert Kelly]

I bet you a million dollars. I bet you a million dollars he has no arms.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, that is fake.

[Robert Kelly]

That's not fake. We. They did CGI on a shitty video. Yes, buddy, he has no arms. That's why this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But you just have to put green screen over the bottom of the arms.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, you keep. There's no way he doesn't have arms, bro. Why did Lieutenant Dan fool you as well?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do you also think the Gary Sneeze amputated his legs for the role?

[Robert Kelly]

Really quick, though. Really quick, though.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, wow. Why is he so wide again, covered in this thing?

[Robert Kelly]

But he had. He.

[Lou]

That's a belly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's a belly. Yes. They're behind him.

[Robert Kelly]

They're behind him because he's balancing. He has no arms, dude. He has no arms, bro.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Christine, skip to the head of this awful video with shitty music, please.

[Robert Kelly]

You think he grows his arms back in the video?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes, I do.

[Robert Kelly]

You think that's what the song's about?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Bobby, I do think that's what the song is about.

[Robert Kelly]

Now he has no arms in every.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They're gonna grow back at the end.

[Robert Kelly]

There's no arms. You owe me a million dollars.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're not even hanging in there.

[Robert Kelly]

You owe me a million.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look up the guy from the video.

[Robert Kelly]

There's no.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Find out who he was. He lost and show that he has arms.

[Robert Kelly]

He doesn't have arms.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You can't have a chest like that with no arms.

[Robert Kelly]

But do. Yes, you can.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did he lose them last week?

[Robert Kelly]

Maybe he had. Maybe he worked out a lot and then lost his arms the other day. Yeah. He was in a yacht accident and.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He was helping a yacht. A yacht dock and smashed him. Yeah.

[Lou]

If you have no arms, you're gonna enjoy food at least.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now this guy's. It's too barely, but it's too muscle.

[Robert Kelly]

But it makes no sense. The video doesn't make sense. It doesn't have arms. The song's not about having arms. It's not. It's not a song about not being able to hug people again. It's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What is it about exactly.

[Robert Kelly]

But why would he choose that? There's no way. He has no arms. Dude, he. This song was. After he lost his arms, he wrote this song.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's not him. That's not him.

[Robert Kelly]

No, the guy on the TV was the guy singing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that's the guy. Right.

[Robert Kelly]

But this guy has no arms. This song was about a guy who lost his arms.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's what the lyrics think are about.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Did you hear it? I had Chrissy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We vamped enough for you to do the research on this.

[Christine]

It says thundercat helps an armless samurai grow wings and show you video.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He grew wings.

[Christine]

He didn't grow arms in the video. This is like a character.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He didn't grow arms in the video?

[Robert Kelly]

No. He actually learned that he can.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hello.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Virtual effects arm removal for Thundercat music.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, no, no, no, no. I want to see this guy. I want to see. I don't. No, that's not proof. You're goddamn right you're good. It's not proof. It's not proof, Lou. It's not proof.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That is one Pivot for this guy.

[Lou]

I don't understand the point of the. The video.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, you're focusing on the wrong thing. No one understands the point of the video. But this guy's got fakes. Half arms. Is that him?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but that's before the arms got cut off. That's pre armed. That's pre armed. That's when he was in really good shape. You got to go to where he does. His name is Delaine Vaughn. He's an armless veteran. He lost him in the fighting in the war as a samurai.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

IMDb. Go to IMDb.

[Robert Kelly]

There you go.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Damn it.

[Robert Kelly]

Go to Wicked. Wikipedia. Wikipedia. He doesn't have arms.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He has arms.

[Robert Kelly]

Why would they do that? Why would you spend money on visual effects for a dumb video that nobody's gonna watch?

[Lou]

I mean, bizarre budget was on his arms.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. They spent a hundred thousand dollars on his dumb arms to get one shot of him by a fucking fountain.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

That's ridiculous. Jay, think about what you're saying.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They faked his arm missing.

[Robert Kelly]

They didn't fake his arms. He has no arms.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Christine, how do you not have this yet?

[Lou]

Is Michael McDonald CGI fat? No, that's real.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll tell you what. He didn't look that fat in that video, which may be cgi.

[Robert Kelly]

You think CGI is fat? Can they do that? I wish they could do that.

[Lou]

CGI them slim.

[Robert Kelly]

Could they do that in post? Could they go back and like, say, show like kill box? Go back and make somebody thinner? Yeah, I could do that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely.

[Robert Kelly]

I really should do that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They did me on Skanks last night without a beard. It didn't look good, but they really took some liberties with my face. Underneath, I'm gonna see that there was no chin.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he played he had arms back when he was a player.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He has arms. Just generally speaking.

[Lou]

A little trivia, though. Michael McDonald wrote, maybe co wrote one van Halen song.

[Robert Kelly]

Which one?

[Lou]

I'll Wait.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, it's great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Michael McDonald's.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Co wrote that?

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice. That's a great song.

[Robert Kelly]

One of my favorite Van Halen songs. You know what blew my mind was the Regulate, Warren G. They. They sampled a Mike McDonald song. What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's got complete arms.

[Robert Kelly]

That's his wife.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's him.

[Robert Kelly]

That's him right there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

No, that's him. That's not him in that video. That's him when he had arms.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He doesn't just post things about his full arm times before.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, he's a dancer. That's when he had arms. That's when he could dance. He lost his arms in a dancing accident.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's a performer.

[Robert Kelly]

No, he's not.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely.

[Robert Kelly]

Do a that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

In fairness to that, Bobby, this is from 450 weeks ago.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he lost his arms, bro. It's all right. You owe me a million dollars, man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Go to his Facebook.

[Robert Kelly]

Go to his.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God. This guy is a ghost.

[Robert Kelly]

He took everything off after his accident, Bobby. He doesn't want to see him with arms.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm not accepting that he has no arms. It's false.

[Robert Kelly]

He doesn't have arms, bro.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So he lost his arms and he gained a weird amount of weight.

[Robert Kelly]

No. In 2000. Why wouldn't you, buddy? In 2016, he lost his arms in an accident, and he. And now he hasn't posted since then because he doesn't want to. He had a hard time, and this song was about him finding wings. Finding wings. Those are the birds at the end.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Putting too much in the lyrics to the song had nothing to do with that. It's a goddamn video that he's in.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me ask you a question.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hired him in a video and they go, do you mind wearing these green gloves so we could take your arms off in the video?

[Robert Kelly]

That's not right. Okay, listen. Yes. The guy in the Thundercat video has arms. Thundercat is. Oh, then I. I agree to that because Lou just said it.

[Lou]

Well, who said. Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Who says?

[Lou]

Where is your source?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that was. I. AI Google. Yeah, yeah, okay.

[Lou]

Yeah, yeah, Google.

[Robert Kelly]

I believe that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There he is with arms.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, when he had arms.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's another Thundercat video. Oh, so that's what happened.

[Christine]

Character.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a character. He's gonna lose his arms from the Samurai.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me see him lose the arms. I want to see him lose the arms.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I feel like you're gonna see it in this video. He's gonna lose them arms.

[Robert Kelly]

And this is what video Them changes them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Changes by Thundercat.

[Robert Kelly]

So he loses the.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So this is like a. Yeah, Bobby, you're moving on. Oh, look at that.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but those arms are cut off way higher than his arms were.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes, absolutely. Because it's. They're not keeping consistent because they had less money for this video for the green screen.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, if I had a team of fucking people working for me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don't be mad at me because you were so wrong on this. And I will take that $1 million in $1 a day payments for the next million days. I know you have a family, and I respect the shit out of that. So I'm going to take $1 from you every day like a bully for the rest. For the rest of your natural life.

[Robert Kelly]

Like lunch money.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, and if inflation goes up again, I will turn that to $2.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, well, you know what? You know what I'm going to do? I was wrong, Jay, and I apologize. Hey, you know what, though?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

I have to fight for what I believe in. And I believe he lost his arms.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But you know for a fact now he didn't.

[Robert Kelly]

I know for a fact now that he didn't. He lost him in a samurai sword fight.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, okay.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Well, you're watching what happened, Jay.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay, so you're saying the armless samurai lost his arms in samurai battle? Not Delonghi Badungo.

[Robert Kelly]

His name is not. His name is. His name is Donya Badongi.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And Degio. Cello.

[Robert Kelly]

Cello.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But Yaka Bataka. Bianca Batali. Mutombo.

[Robert Kelly]

Lost. Has arbs. He has arms.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

It's weird, though, that he hasn't posted since 2016.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, that was his dance career before he became the armor samurai character.

[Robert Kelly]

Character.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He has arms. The man himself has arms.

[Robert Kelly]

He has arms.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Figured that out.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't believe that they actually did that type of visual effects in that shitty video.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That song was terrible. It was so, so bad. Questlove was already talking about it. He's always a little bit of a knob, though, too, but.

[Robert Kelly]

What do you mean?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know that Questlove smells his own too much.

[Robert Kelly]

He smells like French toast.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Giant pearl.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you know that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

He smells like French toast.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's it, some kind of African oil?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he's got an oil that he uses. And every time I've been near him, I just smell French toast to the point where I was like, dude, you smell like French toast.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And he was like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's like. Well, before I leave, every day I lay myself an egg batter. Cinnamon and egg batter. Don't tell people. It's my little secret.

[Robert Kelly]

I like. I like Questlove. I mean, he. He did some. He did something to me, you know?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Very talented.

[Robert Kelly]

When I was doing fx, when I was doing sex, drugs and I was. I had to learn how to play drums in, like, two months, and I. I saw him out in front of the cellar. I think he was there with Schumer because they're pals and I ran and I. I've met him before. I met him at a couple.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You saw him at Madonna before. I met him at Schumer's apartment.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I met him there, too. Yeah, right. He was always nice. Whatever. DJing so I ran out and I was like, dude, Crest love. I. I got this show on tv. I gotta learn the drums. I. Can you give me any tips or anything, you know, to help me? And he did give me great advice. He goes, don't learn how to play the drums. He goes, just learn how to play the songs that they give you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And you'll be fine. Which. Because I'm sitting there going, you know, 1, 2.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Pat Rudd did, though. Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

And I was. I would have lost my brains and I just wound up learning the song. So he did give me good advice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Your mentor, you.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, not my mentor, but he did walk away from me. I didn't even say goodbye.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Questlove is your longtime drum mentor?

[Robert Kelly]

He is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And so you can't say anything negative about it.

[Robert Kelly]

I cannot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What he did. But I'm saying he always comes off like a bit of a boob. I don't know. Something about him I don't like, but.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, if you're.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Listen, he's Philly. They're the Roots. It's awesome. But he's overexposed.

[Robert Kelly]

He did give me the 10,000 hour speech, which sucked. It's like, yeah, I have 10,000 hours. Look at my face.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Fucking asshole.

[Robert Kelly]

10,000 hours. You're lucky if I have five years left.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. I don't know. There's something about his whole, like, you're just supposed to say, pay attention to his cool from the neck up and ignore the fact that he's built like a old muppet.

[Robert Kelly]

He is built like snuffalophagus.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's insane. It's insane.

[Robert Kelly]

He lost a lot of weight, though. He did lose weight.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Yeah. Because somebody must have squeezed his torso and put it all on his ass and legs.

[Robert Kelly]

He's got a big booty, man. But he is a badass motherfucker.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely.

[Robert Kelly]

He is, man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's a professor of cankles at ucla.

[Robert Kelly]

He's got that pick in his hair, too, all the time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely. All of his sneakers look like they're open too far. You know what I'm saying, Lou? None of his fucking looks like. None of his laces are tight on his shoes.

[Robert Kelly]

When I did the Tonight show, he gave me a pair of his drumsticks, though. That was very nice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Robert Kelly]

He actually didn't give them to me. He gave them to somebody to give to me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then they all laughed at my Michael Vick joke on Jimmy Fallon. And then none of them supported me when they fucking took it off the air. Those cocks. Look at him. Look at him just taking up space.

[Robert Kelly]

That's a bad angle.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Terrible angle of bad legs.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that's like my angle at Comic Con from fucking on the floor up. Yeah, that's not a good angle for.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The back of his knees hurt.

[Robert Kelly]

It's funny because his feet aren't that big either. He's got big. He's got a big lower half and not big feet.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And I'm saying some pretty mean things here. And all I have to say is, really, this quest love. You've had opportunities to befriend me. You chose not to. This is the wrath. You had many opportunities to stay in touch. I tried the Philly thing. I tried the Eagles talk, the Sixers talk. We both know these people. Blah, blah, blah. Nothing. So you know what? Now you get it, you fucking baked potato.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you try the Def Jam talk or the Deep. The P. Diddy talk? That P. Diddy was your manager.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I should tell him. PD is my manager.

[Robert Kelly]

That would have been the end back then.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I should have tapped him on the chest with a little baby oil. You want a party?

[Robert Kelly]

It must be weird to have to shop for, like, small up top and big in the middle.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's dating, like. Or he was dating at least a girl we know.

[Robert Kelly]

Really? I thought he was gay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no. His body's gay, though.

[Robert Kelly]

His body is gay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

His body is gay. His body. He's built like he should be gay with an older white man.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you should have a bunch of small dogs.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Amir. Amir. Yeah, he has quest love when the gang's around.

[Robert Kelly]

He gets mad when he doesn' Go pillow shopping.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, he was with her for a while.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me see. She's a white chick.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Yeah, I think she was. Wasn't she on this show before?

[Robert Kelly]

She white or black? I don't know. Yes, she white.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do we have her on? Yeah. Yeah, she's white. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Who is it?

[Christine]

She's the one that took Josh to a sex party, right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, she took Josh to a sex party.

[Robert Kelly]

She was on the himbos.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She was on Himo's podcast.

[Robert Kelly]

Very hot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She is hot.

[Robert Kelly]

Did. Did. Whoa. What's her name?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Laura Desrae. You can see your butthole and. And everything.

[Robert Kelly]

All right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I thought you wanted to.

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, that's fine. Yeah, no, I. That's right. My bad. I know you hate looking at attractive women naked.

[Robert Kelly]

She. I mean, I like the short hair. The short hair on a chick is my thing. I love short hair.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really? That's what I would say if I was picking a change. I would Say, I'd like to see her with her long hair.

[Robert Kelly]

I love short hair.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But she pulls it off. For sure.

[Robert Kelly]

100% pulls it off.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There you go.

[Robert Kelly]

What is this?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is her pussy. And that is her tits there.

[Robert Kelly]

Boobs. Okay?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then underneath there is. You'll see the labia majoris. Outlining Bobby, writing this down. The labia minoris.

[Robert Kelly]

Minoris. Or did you say majoris or minoris?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Majoris on the outside, minoris on the inside.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now, sometimes you'll find the minoris protruding out of the minoris or majoris and that is hilarious. It sounds. It looks like your queef sound like whoopee cushions. No, you don't have to bring everything, but you can see, there's her pussy. It's great. Yeah, it's probably pretty good.

[Robert Kelly]

It shaved Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There. Jacob, there's her pussy. It's probably. Yeah. You wouldn't have sex with her, dude. Right? I know. You're right. She's gross because of that hair. You're right, Jacob. You're right, and we're all wrong.

[Robert Kelly]

She doesn't have hair. I like hair.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Huh?

[Lou]

I don't like a shaved hair.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You like shaved Bobby. He definitely likes to shave pussy. He's saying he doesn't like her short head hair.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And for those reasons, he's out.

[Lou]

No, you said it. I'm out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you do.

[Lou]

It's not my thing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh.

[Lou]

I learned to live with it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, okay. I thought you were saying you would not like. You're like, eh, not with that short hair.

[Robert Kelly]

I would have sex with anything.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Learn to live with it. You'd learn to love it, Jacob. You'd comb it for. Hey, Kirby. Allison says if you want to get a nice tight thing, you use this balm. This hair balm. I would try.

[Robert Kelly]

I would even have sex with Lisa Traeger.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Who?

[Robert Kelly]

Lisa Traeger. Liza Traeger.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Elisa Traeger. Oh, I assumed you were just saying the wrong person. No, you wouldn't.

[Robert Kelly]

Why wouldn't I?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Huh?

[Robert Kelly]

No, you wouldn't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why wouldn't you? Hang on. I'm gonna write all them down. At this point, I don't get fired. I'll tell you all the reasons. I'll tell you what, why you don't. Lisa Trager.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, that's a good shot right there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice beaver. Ah, shitty couch now, Jacob, you're out now because she has hair in her.

[Lou]

Right hair all in the wrong places.

[Robert Kelly]

What are you talking about? That's where it's supposed to be, right there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's actually perfect. Hair. Are you kidding? Jacob, that's perfect.

[Robert Kelly]

It's perfect.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's right above.

[Lou]

It looks like it's lining. I mean, I'm farther back. It looks like it's lining her vagina.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. Do you know where cl. Do you know where vaginas are?

[Lou]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I can walk you through it if you want.

[Lou]

That thing right there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's that thing. Now she's off for sure.

[Christine]

It doesn't go all the way down to her, but you're seeing that wrong.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that's her butthole. Her butthole is the dark part.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Then her minorus, it's leftover questlove chin hair. Also, you notice that she can open her legs really, really wide to wrap around that fucking human. Mango.

[Robert Kelly]

Mango.

[Lou]

The biggest. Yeah, he's got the biggest lower half I've ever seen.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Fat on Fat Crime. My favorite son of a bitch could play the drums, though. I don't know. It's just that that whole outfit right there is. That's what I don't like about him.

[Robert Kelly]

It's like this because he dresses like a nerd.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's my. I think he thinks he is, like, a very smart nerd. You're a drum player.

[Robert Kelly]

He dresses in the roots. He dresses like a professor.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. He wears the tie. The button down with the tie, with the sweater, with the jacket.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And then cool sneakers.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This guy looks like Cornell north, east and South. All the other Cornells rolled into one. Cornell west is just one skinny black guy with that hair. This guy's Cornell. All the other directions.

[Robert Kelly]

As my mentor, though, I, I, I love.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

As your drum mentor, for sure.

[Robert Kelly]

As my drum mentor. I really admire that he went. He went the other way. You know, he could dress all weird and crazy and he didn't. He dressed a kind of.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think, though, it's this or like full dashiki, like Erykah Badu head. It's. It's dumb.

[Robert Kelly]

He always wears suits. I saw him on a plane once. Yeah, he had a suit on.

[Lou]

Does not look good.

[Christine]

That picture from here to.

[Robert Kelly]

From. Because somebody's making fun of his chest. They're making fun of his lower half.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Exactly. I mean, that guy's got birthing hips.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he does look like two different people.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it looks like he's, like, sitting in, like, robot legs of another thing. He's a thinner man who's sitting in robot legs.

[Robert Kelly]

You think his legs got chopped off and they gave him fat person legs.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Quest Love. Let this be known. By the way, all of this, what I'm saying about you could have been avoided by you just befriending me more when I spoke to you in those moments.

[Robert Kelly]

There he is right there in a.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Big jumpsuit looking with Chris Rock. That's not the first time they've shared the stage together. Oh yes, the down the bottom. Yeah, I like quest of the come accept an award. After that, no one acknowledged the slap.

[Christine]

Oh, is that who he was giving the award to was Questlove.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He made a documentary about large bottom clothes in the Sudan.

[Robert Kelly]

He's wearing a parachute.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

Terrible.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It took the lives of 17 children in Kenya to make this jacket.

[Robert Kelly]

He did get skinny. Skinny for a minute though.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, his hair just got bigger.

[Lou]

He's wearing like, like man moomoos sometimes. Yeah, sometimes, you know, like there, look at that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's like, yeah, I'm so cultural and flowy guys. I have to wear flowing clothes to talk about culture with you.

[Robert Kelly]

That's what he should wear all the time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There it is. Look at that. Dude, those are Jared's old pants from fucking Subway.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, why wouldn't he like in those, in those outfits? Why wouldn't he get tighter pants on the bottom? Why wouldn't he tighten up?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Because he, he's a fat person like myself who think, who believes at a time that if you wear bigger stuff it's hiding how big you are.

[Robert Kelly]

But doesn't it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Meanwhile you're wearing clothes that are, should. Are feloniously large.

[Robert Kelly]

But it sucks though when you lose weight because you lose weight in certain parts first and then the certain parts last. And he lost weight in his head, shoulders, tits, and it just stayed on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

His hips, neck, even, belly even. Rib cage fine. If in fact, if his upper body matched his lower body, it'd be fine. Do you know what I mean?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I'd rather you be proportionate than this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's just wrong.

[Lou]

He looks dudes with giant hips that just look awful.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can I have a medium shirt and a quadruple X pants?

[Robert Kelly]

His, his top half could shop at the regular mall. His bottom half is good dxl.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, do you have a three piece suit for a minotaur here? Maybe a Griffin? Someone built like a Griffin.

[Robert Kelly]

I still love him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Of course you do. Got mentored you through fucking tumultuous years of drumming.

[Robert Kelly]

You know, now that you're whiplash.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He was yelling at you, your hands were bleeding. You're going to get it, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

He is kind of a dick though, now that I think about it though.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's just. Every conversation I've had with him, he's looking already around like who else is gonna be? Machine Gun Kelly did the same thing.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but Machine Gun Kelly is a fucking tool, right? You would think that because he's finally.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Saying that you were all up his shit.

[Robert Kelly]

I love his song with Young Youngblood or whatever his name is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know his name, Young Blood.

[Robert Kelly]

What's his name?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know exactly what his name is.

[Robert Kelly]

Young.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know. But you definitely know.

[Robert Kelly]

I think it's Youngblood.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You think it is.

[Robert Kelly]

I think it's Young Blood.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know it is. But you think saying I think makes you seem more cool. Like I don't even know.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a great song. I'll fucking dance to that song anytime.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know you will.

[Robert Kelly]

I love it. If you could hear love, what would it sound like?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Son, can we talk about your drinking?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, Dad, I think we should helping those closest to you think about their excessive drinking. Maybe that's what love sounds like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Robert Kelly]

I don't have hair.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's easy to have confidence in your look when you're in the hands of a pro. Just another way Sport clips helps keep your head and your hair in the game. Sport clips It's a game changer.

[Robert Kelly]

Are you holding back on travel plans? This Holiday break because you're afraid of a language gap. Well, no need to mind the gap if you have Babbel. I use Babel all the time. I just went to Cuba. It was so frustrating and not be able to ask for certain things. You know what? I just turned on my babbel app. All of a sudden I was speaking sentences, saying good afternoon. I got to go in and say por favor queso, which means please cheese. This app was amazing because it teaches you in a fun, relatable way that all of a sudden you just know words and they're in your lexicon. I'm learning Italian with my son. I put my whole family on babbel right now with a quick 10 minute lesson handcrafted by over 200 language experts. Babbel gets you talking in a new language just three weeks. And with the advanced speech recognition by babbel, it's like having a personal language tutor in your pocket helping you pronunciate whenever you open your mouth. I got Babbel. I hopefully know Spanish and Italian by the end of the year and I already know a bunch of words. I know a couple swears too. Not on there. From the guy I met in Cuba. Here's a special holiday deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for the bonfire with big J ogerson and Robert kelly. [e-mail] Bonfire get up to 60% off babbel.com Bonfire spelled B a B B E L. Rules and restrictions may apply. Tiamo, Gracias.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Machine gun Kelly's terrible.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, I don't know, you know, I like that music.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know. But he particularly is.

[Robert Kelly]

He's a tool.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's untalented.

[Robert Kelly]

He's a tool. I agree. He's a tool. He's definitely a tool. You know, anybody who got, you know, gets beaten out of a. He was a rapper and then he got killed out of it and went to a whole nother genre.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's also not an awesome guy.

[Robert Kelly]

How do you know?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Friends.

[Robert Kelly]

You met him?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. A lot of the people that I've met, like musicians, particularly famous musicians, it is interesting. You see the people who are like, it doesn't matter if I like your music or not necessarily or if I'm in that genre of music. Like if they're awesome dudes, I immediately respect their talent for one. And you know, and it's also like you kind of want to like it. Do you know what I mean? Machine Gun Kelly was exactly the dildo I thought he was gonna be.

[Robert Kelly]

Why? What do you do?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Same. I just. Pete Davidson introduced us, and he shook my hand, and then as I said the three sentences, I said to him, he was looking, like, over me like this. Like, he's like, yeah, all right, cool, man. And they just left.

[Robert Kelly]

But did he see you do what you do?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, but his friends Pete gave me, like, a dude. One of the funniest dudes in the world, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, yeah. And then he was kind of like. And I was like, dude, I saw you. You killed it at Rock on the Range. I was there the same year. And he was like. As I was doing comedy the one year there, and I saw you kind of on a whim, and it was great. And he was like, yeah, that's funny.

[Robert Kelly]

That you told me was great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was that night Christine told me how much he loved this suit. And then he treated me like a jag off.

[Robert Kelly]

Christine, you love the suit?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She loves Machine Gun Kelly. She loves his personality. She likes this whole thing.

[Christine]

I don't love it. So famous. She got an old lady pregnant.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She loves everything about Machine Gun Kill.

[Robert Kelly]

I tell you what, though, His. His whole. His look is weird. Thin, thin, tall, glass of water, horse shit. I do. I've always liked that because I've always wanted that in my life. Course, I've always been short and dumpy. You know what I mean?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, I've never been to be Bam Margera body. That's what I always said I wanted. Not muscular. Just take your shirt off. Body.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, just take your shirt off.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like, have a rib tattoo of something stupid. A bad decision I made when I was younger.

[Robert Kelly]

Now you can't have a rib tattoo.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I can't now. No, no, no, no. For sure. It would look like it's a fucking tattoo on one of my udders.

[Robert Kelly]

You'd have to get a rib tattoo that changes into something else when you gain your way back. It still looks all right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The balloon. The picture of a balloon. And it's like, oh, that's a big, big balloon.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude. My tattoo on my arm is, like, in the wrong spot now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Because I lost weight. I got this tattoo when I was fat. Yeah. Band is. I like, Bam. Bam's body's cool. Brad Pitt's body was my. My.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, Fight Club, that was everybody's, like, your skinny, muscular.

[Robert Kelly]

His body in his whole career has been the body that I would. If I could have a body that I wanted.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Probably on par. Same thing. It's just like, basic body, just body, thin Thin.

[Robert Kelly]

Thin. I love thin.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

What about Marky Mark's body? That was when he first came out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And the funky much effort. It's gay. It's almost gay how much you put that effort and shave your chest down.

[Robert Kelly]

Look at him in. What was that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Fight Club.

[Robert Kelly]

No, that's not Fight Club, is it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. What was the other movie he was into where he was a boxer? The guy Ritchie movie.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, Snatch.

[Robert Kelly]

Snatch. That was another fucking. When he was just shredded. Snatch. Have to say to you is, are you gay? God, but I love that fucking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hang on, Bobby. I think Barbara Walter has a question.

[Robert Kelly]

I guess what I just have to say to you is, are you gay?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Would that resonate a little bit?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just think about it a little before you answer.

[Robert Kelly]

No, but like, it sucks to me at this age that I've finally given up. Like that's never gonna happen. But there were parts of my life where I was like, maybe.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Like maybe you were right there. Maybe I could. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Not me ever. Not ever. I was fat. I have fat or balloon that was left out.

[Robert Kelly]

You look like a melted candle.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

My naked body. I've even lost weight. My naked body, I bet is a cherish.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but your body now is a. Is a gay type.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What do you mean?

[Robert Kelly]

You're a bear.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Floppy bear.

[Robert Kelly]

You're a floppy bear baby. A lot of men would kill to be with you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just grab my belly and pull it out inches.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, you would make so much money on only fans as a floppy bear.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm open to it.

[Robert Kelly]

You would you just sit in that room, that side room in your apartment. Take your shirt off and I don't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Want people to take. I would just go full. I would go. I would naked. I would sing songs and dance around like a girl on a bed. But it's gonna get out there. If just guys. If just guys that wanted to whack off to. I have a lot of telling tattoos.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but wear a mask and then cover up some of the tattoos. Wear gloves. Wear gloves. You wear gloves anyways. Just put fingers on them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, finger. Full gloves. He goes this big, J. Probably not. Those gloves are full finger.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I would love for you to just do that one night to see how many people would actually jump on and.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Pay you just to do this thing where I can like get on my back and. And put my like legs. Like get my legs pulled back far enough where I can really like reach down and open my asshole for you like that with two hands.

[Robert Kelly]

You just prolapse your asshole.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. And I make it. Do you? I make it like the thing where it looks like a tongue comes out of the back.

[Robert Kelly]

Like, looks like a dolphin hole. Yes, yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now we're cooking with gas, guys. Now we're sitting here worried about contracts with radio and blah, blah, blah, Netflix nonsense. Fucking fuck that, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

Are we worried?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let's just. Well, we bother ourselves with all the things. So many things. We get out of our control. Here's what we can control. Our very own only fans managed by you.

[Robert Kelly]

I manage it. Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Where I just am a fucking pure gaper.

[Robert Kelly]

How about this?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I just go and just gape for people.

[Robert Kelly]

I get an outfit I put on, and I help you get into position.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Maybe like a seersucker suit, like an old tug. You're like. Like, you're my Colonel Tom.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. And I'll put a little Colonel Tom, thin mustache. I get a little thin black mustache.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely. And you just. Can you. Once in a while you bring me in props, and I'll be like, roberto, bring me the broom handle. And then you hand to me. And I'm just. I'm still, like, up like this with, like my legs between my thing, and I'm just. I just fuck that in front of the camera. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I bring you a salad, but you don't eat it because it's full vegetables.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Ew.

[Robert Kelly]

And you put it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, yeah. He goes, guys, we're gonna eat this salad in my butt mouth. Num, num, num, num, num, num, num. Watch me. Julianne, this carrot. Yeah. Let's get into only fans, dude. That's what we're doing. We're sitting here dicking around. What? Own jokes. It's a flooded market. I'll tell you. It's not a flooded market. Failed comedians, their own asses on only fans.

[Robert Kelly]

That nobody knows about that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Failed mailed comedians.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Their asses on only fans is an untapped market.

[Robert Kelly]

I say we do it. I'm in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm in.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm in. I want to. I want to be the assistant.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I have no dignity anymore.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't want to show my asshole.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, I don't think.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't think my asshole would be good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

My asshole is going to be the star.

[Robert Kelly]

Can we look at each other's assholes and critique each other's assholes one day?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, sure.

[Robert Kelly]

We just, you know, you show me yours, I'll show you mine, and then we can be like, listen, dude, maybe you try this, maybe you try that. Or you got a good Asshole.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know if I have a great asshole by any shirt. Like, visually, I'm just telling you it's clean. And I believe with a little bit of work, we can get anything in there. I believe if. I believe if I raise my pain threshold, lower my inhibitions, this could all be done with. I believe opiates, and then I will just fuck my own ass aggressively with. And people just like, throw a thing like an old bicycle handle, like ass and blah, blah, blah. But you don't know about Jay.

[Robert Kelly]

You could actually have a talent down there you don't even know about. Maybe it doesn't take. Maybe it just opens up. Maybe you've never tried it. You might have.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I have said whenever I've done a suppository, I start putting it in. It gets halfway in and I almost go like, oh, no, can I not get this in there? And then my butthole slurps it up like a spaghetti noodle. I don't understand why or how it does it, but it does it every time. And it freaks me out. And then it's gone. By the way, I couldn't even finger my own ass and find it anymore. It's taking it down the gullet. Feed me, Seymour. It's in my ovaries. Do men have ovaries?

[Robert Kelly]

No, we don't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, then it's not there. It's not my ovaries, but yeah. So I do have what I believe to be possibly a very accepting asshole.

[Robert Kelly]

You. I think you have a. You have a talent down that you don't even know about. You should probably just.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That'd be great, dude. That'd be great. The word on the street about that, yo, if you watch Jay's only fans, dude, that guy gets wailed on.

[Robert Kelly]

Be great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just wailed on.

[Robert Kelly]

Put a light bulb up there and you can actually. It doesn't break.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Jason. Jason Ellis wasn't not. He wasn't vocal enough for me. I need a lot more noise. I think people want to hear that right While I'm getting drilled. Like, you're killing me. Oh, that's true.

[Robert Kelly]

He didn't really say much.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I think you're too far in.

[Robert Kelly]

He was taking around a nine incher and didn't say anything.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just the throws of passion. Hack.

[Robert Kelly]

There wasn't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But there wasn't even hacky.

[Robert Kelly]

Was there even a. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Was there?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, dude. There's dicks and butts. There's gonna be noise.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't. I don't remember hearing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No one stays stoic. Through an ass.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't remember hearing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Christine, look up noiseless gay sex. And that's because there's no audio. I mean, just two guys. Just like, all you hear is, like.

[Robert Kelly]

Not anything. It's like, do you see the news today?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. And just, I mean, pounding.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. And they're just talking regular. I can't believe Biden actually pardoned his son.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know. Once it means once. It means, like, I have to assume this gets to a point where it's like, once you've just dialed back that pain of getting your butt fucked, you could probably butt fucking. Just, like, take a phone call or something. Yeah, that used to be some of my favorite porn. Do you remember that move? They're doing their first, you know, who knows? But they're doing their first porn. And then while they're getting like, you know, they have two black eyes in her pussy and asshole. Like, she calls her mom. And they'll be like, mom, I did it. I'm doing my first scene right now because I have a dick all the way up my butt. And like, that's great, honey.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I knew you could do it.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I've never seen that one so good. How do you go that deep?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Calls mom during porn. Christine, look it up.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, that's on a cruise ship.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. That face is my favorite thing I've ever seen in a thing. Oh, it sure is up there.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my God. I don't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, this might be my favorite pornography ever.

[Robert Kelly]

This is the worst. This is two. I would say twinks. Right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The phases the guy on the bottom is making is exactly what you'd think it would happen.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Finish.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, the guy on top, though, has such a good position.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I think that's my room on the Pearl. I see my cigarette butts.

[Robert Kelly]

This little guy is squatted on a chair, and the other guy's standing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But I'll tell you what they are making. No, this guy is doing great.

[Robert Kelly]

Can I say something?

[Lou]

I think you're wrong, Jay. It's the seat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, but this guy's beat. This guy's being quiet. He's mostly working face.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God. That's a big thing. I don't want to see that.

[Lou]

Well, I mean, describe what we're seeing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, guys riding another guy's cock while he's jacking off. But I tell you what, dude, Stoic. And the guy fucking is just smiling. He's not really doing much else.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, why would. Why would you not smile with that happening?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, the guy doing all the works the guy getting butt.

[Robert Kelly]

Can you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I will tell you if you just like. If you lean over. See, I'll smoke a cigarette on that balcony in a second and just lean over and be like, hey, what's that? And you just see a guy riding other guys. Oh, my God, guys, this is definitely a cruise ship. I'll be like, guys, what are you doing? Piercing the veils, going on in 10 minutes.

[Robert Kelly]

I love. Jacob just said this is definitely a cruise ship. No, it's a building that's moving on the ocean.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah. That's not a cruise ship, dude. This is. These Are these guys yachts?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my God. They both have the same size penis.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it looks like his one dick is a continuation of his dick.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yacht rock does play well with this.

[Robert Kelly]

Looks like he's singing it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Christine, turn both up, please. Mash up.

[Robert Kelly]

Doesn't it look like he's singing it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is like Jay Z's Gray album. Bobby Boner, check me. I got nothing, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

I got nothing too. I got nothing, dude. I got.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Trying to make it be nothing.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm trying to make. I'm trying to make it be something.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Mine's so soft, dude. Mine's like in my body. It's so soft. It's uncomfortable.

[Robert Kelly]

Mine's actually in my own.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You love this so much, though.

[Robert Kelly]

I hate it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I know this.

[Robert Kelly]

I really.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're freaking out right now.

[Robert Kelly]

This is why I don't look at.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You over talking, trying to make sure that no one notices how much you love it.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't like it. This is why I don't like it. The other guy's hard, too. I don't like that. They're both hard. One should be floppy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Christine, can you please. We're not gay men here. Can you please go to the girl calling her mother after porn? What?

[Lou]

Publicity for the Princess on the Sea cruise ship.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, absolutely.

[Robert Kelly]

Could you imagine?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, is that on the Princess of the Sea?

[Robert Kelly]

Actually, they're actually there so the pirates don't attack the ship. They're not supposed to have guns. Arg. They're not supposed to have guns. Guns on ship. So they just put those two guys.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

On the balcony goes. In lieu of. Yeah, in lieu of cannons, we have two gay guys just aggressively butt fucking with Cox. You can see from across the sea, dude. Yacht rock and butt. A dude on a cruise ship has to be the ultimate in yacht rock life.

[Robert Kelly]

Here's the problem with watching that type of gay pornography now. It's just.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now you can't jerk off for hours.

[Robert Kelly]

It's just in your head now. It's just in my head.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, the head and shaft.

[Robert Kelly]

This is disgusting. Now I'm going to be talking to dawn later, and that's going to flop into my head. I'm like, what are you thinking about? Nothing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're making me think about men fucking on a cruise and how I'm missing out.

[Robert Kelly]

That's how boring you are.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ship rocked. Here I come. I'm doing Shiprock the thing. I'll see if I could recreate that with somebody.

[Robert Kelly]

You can't. You'll break.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll see if I can do my version. Yeah, I just want to be there. I don't want to necessarily get fucked, but I do want to be the guy who gets to make these faces. Oh, you. You.

[Robert Kelly]

Could never be the guy getting fucked.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why?

[Robert Kelly]

Because you're too big.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, that's not true.

[Robert Kelly]

You're too macho.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I know how to move my body, though.

[Robert Kelly]

You know how to move your body, but you can't watch.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look at this. You can't.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it's not. It's not fluid enough. Dude, you got. You got to arch your back more. Arch your back more.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

My chair's too high. All right, wait.

[Robert Kelly]

You got to arch. No, you got to go the other way. Go the other way.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Turn around.

[Robert Kelly]

Turn that way. Turn that way. Turn that way.

[Lou]

Oh, wait, you're too vertical.

[Robert Kelly]

Turn that way. You're too vertical to turn that way. Hold the arms of the chair. Now present a little bit. Present.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wait, where's. He's behind me.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes, he's behind you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was doing the newer move.

[Robert Kelly]

This is the move right here. Do that. Get up on the chair. Yeah, dude, you too. No, no.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What are you talking about, dude?

[Robert Kelly]

Now arch your back. Your back is flat. It does nothing for me. No, Archer, put your head up. Head up, head up. Now arch your back. Put your bum up a little bit. Now, look, look, I'm gonna pass out for some reason. I can do it way better.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You think?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I can do it way better.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Go ahead, dude, take it. Okay, you're up on all fours. Bobby, your asshole is no more presented than mine was. Now you look happier about it. Look how smiley you are, though. You love this.

[Robert Kelly]

Like this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, someone's got a secret. Oh. Ow.

[Robert Kelly]

That's. I mean, that's way better.

[Lou]

Bobby's preventing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is Bobby's better?

[Lou]

No, Bobby's presenting. Tush a little bit.

[Robert Kelly]

Is my. Is mine better?

[Lou]

I'm sorry.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes, Right.

[Robert Kelly]

Mine's better.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll go Full face down, ass up. That's what we're looking for here. You going to hit the deck? Is this a girl calling her mother?

[Robert Kelly]

We both have children, by the way.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, this isn't. This is like real. This is like some chick you just filmed her calling her mother, answering the thing. These are like porn videos were like, mom, I can't believe it. I just got. I just got gang banged by seven guys. Like, that's great, honey.

[Robert Kelly]

Jesus Christ. How bad do you have to be as a child for that to be.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Good or a mother for you to go, that's wonderful, honey.

[Robert Kelly]

Terrible.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh my God, that's so wonderful.

[Robert Kelly]

What a piece of shit. Just a piece of shit. Why would you ever call your mom during sex?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, the porn ones are.

[Robert Kelly]

These have to all be fake though. There's never a real one.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, that last one was real. The one that we didn't watch. That's definitely real. Play that one, Christina, if you want to. Bobby wants to see it. So you just fucking her. She's talking to her mom. This is real. This is. Yes. This is like. Yeah, I get it. I don't get filming it and putting it out just because she's an only fans piece of shit. But like. Well, so I don't mean that now that I'm an onlyfans piece of shit. Now that I'm beyond my asshole with broomsticks and what have you. Oh, Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How about this? No one's done this yet. Me and you, we both put one. We each get our own set of numb chucks, but we only put one stick of nunchuck up our ass. And then we try to fight with nunchucks with the one that's hanging out.

[Robert Kelly]

I like that. But can you use your penis too?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. No. In fact, I would suggest holding your balls and penis back so you don't get some nunchuck recoil hitting you in the bag.

[Robert Kelly]

How about this? If you hit the penis or the balls. That's a point.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ooh, with someone's. With your chucks.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, with my chucks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you swing your chucks to hit my ball bag.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, point, right? That's one point. If I hit your ball bag and you go down, that's how you win.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

I like that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This, no tournament. This real life. And then Christine will go. And then we just fucking start coming out swinging. Fucking nunchuck.

[Robert Kelly]

We have. We have Lulu and Jacob holding up cards as like the kumite.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Christine, please go on lobster tube and type in the word nunchucks. N U n Chucks. I'd like to believe this hasn't happened before. Oh, some point. Winner.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, we call them. We call them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, up. That's another point. Point Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

We call them bum chucks. I bet somebody already did that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was right there.

[Robert Kelly]

Somebody had stuck a nunchuck up in their ass.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Christine's got a face like she's sifting through tons of it. She's like, oh, my God, there's so much nunchuck up the ass pornography.

[Robert Kelly]

That's funny. There's what?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it's gonna be someone with nunchucks. Not in their asshole, probably. Oh, is that me? Oh, that's a girl. I thought my only fans would come out. All right, so this guy's just gonna nunchuck his own ball bag? I don't buy this. Whatever.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, there's got to be everything that's ever been up a boo.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I think we nailed it. I think we found the most original idea in all pornography. Nunchucks up our asses.

[Robert Kelly]

What's wrong?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, what's wrong?

[Lou]

It's like, traumatizing.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, you'll take a Yellowstone brand on your chest, but you won't take that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, Jacob, if you want to. Jacob, if you want to fucking compete in the kumite, these are the things you're going to have to. You have to go out and kick a tree until your shins have no nerves. And you have to take a nunchucks to the ball bag until you don't feel the pain anymore. Jacob, you must see past the pain.

[Lou]

Yeah, yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, no.

[Robert Kelly]

There you go.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no, no, no, no. This is just somebody double teaming themselves with nunchucks. They're pussy and asshole. This is different. I'm saying one up our ass, the other one hanging free so you can work the nunchucks.

[Robert Kelly]

I understand what you're saying, but that is very. I mean, she is very creative.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

And I feel bad for her son who has to go to karate class.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God.

[Robert Kelly]

Smelly nunchucks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Have you seen my tuna Chucks?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This woman doesn't look. Her pussy smells great either. You can't say. I thought I washed that off. No, there's like milk residue on it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Why is there no paint on the bottom of my nunchucks?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nunchucks an asshole. No, nothing found. Damn. Yo, we did it.

[Christine]

You beat lobster tube.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We fucking beat porn. When work gets crazy, I like to stop by the bar after, have a few cold ones. I don't drink at all until 4:00.

[Robert Kelly]

We limit ourselves to one bottle of wine a night. Excessive drinking has a way of sneaking up on us. A few drinks, a few nights a.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Week, it can add up and suddenly we're at greater risk for long term problems like heart disease, cancer and depression. Reason enough to rethink the Drink [e-mail].

[Robert Kelly]

An OHA initiative Life can throw a lot your way.

[Christine]

In the morning, you might be battling drop off times while your kids are battling imaginary monsters or they're shoelaces.

[Robert Kelly]

But no matter what life brings, Life.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Cereal puts a smile on everyone's face.

[Robert Kelly]

With 24 grams of whole grains and.

[Christine]

Unexpected sweetness in every serving, it's sure.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

To please even the pickiest eaters.

[Christine]

Help start your mornings with Life Cereal.

[Robert Kelly]

I really love my life.