Comedian Epstein Files

Summary

The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode Title: Comedian Epstein Files
Date: February 13, 2026
Host: SiriusXM Faction Talk 103

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Episode Overview

This episode of "The Bonfire" is a rollicking, wholly unfiltered conversation between veteran comedians Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly, joined by regulars Christine and Jacob. The duo dives into their characteristic blend of raunchy nostalgia, behind-the-scenes comedy stories, personal quirks, and brutally honest takes on sex, travel, and pop culture. The episode’s title, "Comedian Epstein Files," comes up in a wickedly irreverent discussion about being named (innocently, but hilariously) in the recently released Jeffrey Epstein files as comics who performed on lineups promoted to Epstein.

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Main Discussion Themes & Segments

1. Sex Tapes, Porn Memories & Comedy Confessions

Timestamps: 01:17 – 14:50

• Nostalgia for 90s Pop: The episode kicks off with Jay and Bobby reminiscing over a 90s pop song—instantly veering from innocent memories to raunchy tales of old girlfriends and home-recorded sex tapes.

  • Bobby recounts a legendary "red tape" of scenario-based porn that changed hands between comedians, only to always return to him.
    • “I gave it to Dane. I’ve given it to Gary Gulman… it always came back to me.” (Bobby Kelly, 03:02)
  • Jay and Bobby reflect on keeping old tapes featuring consensual but very-young versions of themselves and their partners, joking about the hazards of aging alongside old media, and emphasizing how inappropriate (and illegal) it is to hang onto such things into adulthood.

• Amateur "Directing":

  • Bobby describes his directorial efforts, staging and scenario-plotting adult home movies, contrasting his approach with Jay's more utilitarian, “get to the good part” attitude.
    • “I am a thespian through and through… I love a scenario.” (Bobby Kelly, 13:37)
    • “I’ll never be able to roleplay in my life.” (Jay Oakerson, 13:23)

• Roleplaying in Bed:

  • Bobby admits he loves elaborate sexual scenarios—often more than the act itself—while Jay just can’t keep a straight face.
  • Bobby complains that his wife, Dawn, is a terrible actress in bed:
    • “Every scenario I gave her, she's like, ‘No.’” (Bobby Kelly, 15:04)

Notable Quote

• “Why the fuck do you think in our relationship I would be the bottom?” (Bobby Kelly to Jay, on hypothetical AI-generated gay sex tapes, 09:08)
• “Nothing gets me hotter than scene work.” (Bobby Kelly, 13:55)

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2. Fat Guy Travel Tips & Plane Etiquette Rants

Timestamps: 16:15 – 36:14

• Airplane Grievances: Jay and Bobby commiserate over the indignities of air travel as big men—fans, sweating necks, and petty passenger diplomacy.

  • Jay describes the etiquette around window shades, openly advocating for shutting them without asking if the glare affects your seat.
    • “If I have an inch of that… I shut it. You don’t even ask.” (Bobby Kelly, 19:01)
  • Christine recounts enduring a “mesmerized” middle-aged woman who refused to close the plane’s window for the entire flight.
    • “Are you sure she wasn’t retarded?” (Bobby Kelly, 20:21)

• Armrest and Overhead Bin Battles:

  • Jay tells a recent tale of beefing with another first-class passenger over overhead bin bag placement, ultimately escalating to passive-aggressive—and then very active—use of personal space.
    • “I aimed towards him diagonal, and I had my leg on his lap.” (Jay Oakerson, 27:11)

• Big Guy Hacks:

  • Discussion spirals into the politics of bag placement, snack basket perks of "Comfort Plus," and power plays over middle-seat foot room.
    • “Your bag goes in front of your seat. My bag goes in front of my seat. The middle space is clean… I put my dirty foot right on that bag.” (Bobby Kelly, 29:54)

Notable Quote

• “If you touch me on a plane, I… I would have tied your shoes together. I hate that.” (Bobby Kelly, 27:49)
• “Flying sucks across the board—just not in first class.” (Jay Oakerson, 33:22)

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3. First Class Fantasies & Airport Observations

Timestamps: 36:14 – 47:00

• First Class Daydreaming:

  • Jay and Bobby marvel at the luxurious suites available on top-tier international flights—private rooms, showers, and flatbeds—fantasizing about what it’d take to get laid (or get away with shenanigans) in those VIP sections.
  • Jay jokes about arranging for a “load walk” for viral content and the bizarre standards of Dubai flights.
    • “Make her do a come walk out of your Emirates… That’s American freedom, load.” (Jay Oakerson, 48:17)
  • Christine points out how absurd it is to even have problems in first class given how plush the experience is.

• Empathy for Traveling Parents:

  • Hosts agree that parents flying with kids have it rough, and the only response to a crying baby on a plane is empathy, not anger.
    • “All I do is feel bad for them… you think they want that?” (Jay Oakerson, 36:54)

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4. Bachelor Party Hookers, Prostitution, & The Dark Side of Comedy Gigs

Timestamps: 47:00 – 56:15

• Sex Work Stories:

  • The pair reflect on experiences with sex workers—from legal prostitution to wilder stories involving bachelor parties and strip club gigs.
  • Jay tells a tale about a stripper he drove who was genuinely “putting herself through hell” to afford med school, pondering whether any sex workers really get their “happy ending” in a new career.
    • “I don’t know many together prostitutes where they’re like, ‘Yeah, I did it for a while and now… I was able to get my architectural license.’” (Jay Oakerson, 50:15)

• Mob Mentality at Bachelor Parties:

  • Both hosts agree large-group sex worker scenarios veer into uncomfortable, “Lord of the Flies” territory, with Jay referencing infamous scenes from "The Accused."
  • They swap stories about befriending, rather than hiring, sex workers at such events—and poking fun at the comic delusion that prostitutes are falling in love with them.
    • “I fell in love with that stripper in a toilet.” (Jay Oakerson, 54:51)
    • “The hooker thinks I’m super cool… The hooker’s friend. It sounds like a romance comedy.” (Bobby Kelly, 55:29)

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5. Epstein Files & The Comedy Lineup Connection

Timestamps: 56:15 – End

• Being Named in the Epstein Files (As Comics):

  • Jay reveals he’s been named—multiple times, with fellow comics—on party lineup promotions sent to Jeffrey Epstein. They clarify it’s only through performance advertisements, with no actual connection.
    • “That guy really wanted to go because he sent a separate one another day asking him if maybe tonight he wants to go to Dave Attell’s Comedy Underground… and I will be there with Kurt Metzger. So now Kurt’s also implicated, as well as me…” (Jay Oakerson, 56:25)
    • “Nothing goes better with child pornography and comedy… two things that go together well.” (Bobby Kelly, 56:52)
  • The gang jokes darkly about whether Epstein went to comedy shows before or after his other notorious activities, and riff on “palate cleansers” and “nightcaps.”

• Dark Comedy on Celebrity Pedophiles:

  • Riffing on the names in the headlines, from Woody Allen to Polanski, the hosts go all in on the gallows humor.
    • “Oliver Stone should be able to fuck a kid… Quentin Tarantino with that, as many kids as he wants.” (Jay Oakerson, 57:51, 58:01)

• Being Glad (or Jealous) About Who Made the List:

  • Jay and Bobby joke about being bummed or jealous not to be on the infamous island list (for the notoriety, not the deeds), rounding out their savage, everything-is-fair-game comedic stance.

Notable Quotes

• “I wish the thing said, 'Big Jay is performing tonight. We love him. He’s got that one joke about pedophiles… He gets us.'” (Jay Oakerson, 59:40)
• “Jay would be boring the 14 year olds with conversation.” (Bobby Kelly, 62:28)

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Memorable Moments & Standout Quotes

• On Sharing Homemade Porn:
  • “I gave it to Dane… to Gary Gulman… and it always came back.” (Bobby Kelly, 03:02)
• On Roleplay Fails:
  • “She is a terrible actress. Terrible.” (Bobby Kelly, 15:21)
• On Plane Etiquette:
  • “If I have an inch of that… I shut it. You don’t even ask.” (Bobby Kelly, 19:01)
• On Overhead Bins:
  • “You don’t touch my shit.” (Bobby Kelly, 25:24)
• On Empathy for Crying Babies:
  • “All I do is feel bad for them. That’s what it is. Do you think they want that?” (Jay Oakerson, 36:54)
• On Bachelor Party Hookers:
  • “That ‘Lord of the Flies’ energy… it freaks me out.” (Bobby Kelly, 51:33)
• On Being in the Epstein Files:
  • “I got to… you have to circle my name twice. Three times. I’m listed three times!” (Jay Oakerson, 59:29)

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Noteworthy Segments By Timestamp

• 01:17–14:50: Sex tape talk, Bobby’s “red tape,” scenario-based porn, and early tech
• 16:15–36:14: Airplane etiquette, comfort plus versus first class, fat guy travel gripes
• 47:00–56:15: Bachelor party stories, paying for sex, and sex workers’ lives
• 56:15–end: Comedy and the Epstein files connection; dark riffing on celebrity scandals

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Tone & Style

True to The Bonfire’s legacy, the episode is raw, irreverent, and unapologetically honest. Nothing is off-limits for humor—even the darkest topics. Jay and Bobby’s rapport is relentless and affectionate, layering brutal honesty with rapid-fire punchlines, theatrical reenactments, and the kind of banter only possible between longtime bro-comics.

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For listeners who missed the episode: This recap gives you the juicy, unvarnished essence of Jay & Bobby’s latest no-holds-barred roundtable—equal parts backstage comedy confessional, sex talk, travel advice, and savage pop culture commentary.

Transcript

[Jay Oakerson]

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[Bobby Kelly]

Manufacturing plant, you know having a trusted.

[Jay Oakerson]

Partner makes all the difference. That's why, hands down, you count on Grainger for auto reordering. With on time restocks, your team will have the cut resistant gloves they need.

[Bobby Kelly]

At the start of their shift. And you can end your day knowing.

[Jay Oakerson]

They'Ve got safety well in hand. Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop.

[Bobby Kelly]

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[Jay Oakerson]

And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly. Give me a call. Boo if your love is strong Gon give my all to you do this song represents one thing for me only.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Jay Oakerson]

What does it represent for you?

[Bobby Kelly]

It represents me and my Z28 with the T tops down. Driving down Route 1 late at night after a. Maybe an AA meeting or a nice hot set. All alone.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, we're thinking 96 or so. Oh, this song.

[Bobby Kelly]

95. 95 or something like that maybe.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

All my dreams are coming true I.

[Jay Oakerson]

Know it's got to be around that year because this song to me is only my right after high school. Girlfriend masturbating on a Super 8 tape.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nice to. This song.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Pop radio. This song particularly. Maybe this was a good part. Yeah, I had to throw them away when I became an adult myself.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just found online.

[Jay Oakerson]

No. Throw them out, Bobby. No, you have to.

[Bobby Kelly]

I will not.

[Jay Oakerson]

They're illegal.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think I just. Well, I'm gonna look into that, but no, no. I might be grandfathered in.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, I will tell you. It took me into my 20s to go, oh, I can't have this.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have them all. I went up in the attic.

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

To find some Christmas tree thing or she told me. And I opened up a box and there they were. And you know what I did found. I found the red tape.

[Jay Oakerson]

Burn them.

[Bobby Kelly]

I found the red tape. You know the history of the red tape?

[Jay Oakerson]

The porn?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. My red tape. Yeah. You know it?

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, maybe not yours. Go on maybe.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know I have. I had a porn that was my go to. Go to golden. This is it. But I would give it away. I would give it away every once in a while. I gave it to Dane. I've given it to Gary Goman. I've.

[Jay Oakerson]

It was red. Was it an up and comers?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know.

[Jay Oakerson]

Just come on. A red.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think it started with an S. Okay. I don't know if the thing's still on it, but I would give it away, but it would always come back. Like, I remember a year later, Gary came up to me, said. He handed it to me, goes, thanks, man. I'm done with it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm done.

[Bobby Kelly]

And he gave it back, and I wound up giving it to somebody else. And it always came back to me. And the reason why this tape was so magical is because it was scenario based. But at the end of each scenario, they would come out of character to let you know it's okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

But, you know it's okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

So what just happened? What just happened on the tape?

[Jay Oakerson]

Why shouldn't it have been okay?

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, it was a couple scenarios.

[Jay Oakerson]

You might have to just throw that box right into the fucking. The river by you.

[Bobby Kelly]

I can't get. I'm gonna give the red tape to Jacob next.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's fine. Maybe Jacob, you're gonna have a little bit of snuff pornography in your house.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it's not snuff.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'd say hide it inside your Nazi tape. No one will think your Nazi book.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think I should. I think I should. Would you accept the red tape? You can give it back. Whatever you want.

[Jay Oakerson]

You might want to have dawn go start burning those tapes now. Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, dude, I got one video I'm looking for.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why?

[Bobby Kelly]

Because.

[Jay Oakerson]

How old are you?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm 18. 19. 20. 20. 20, 21.

[Jay Oakerson]

How old are they?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, they're illegal. Age, it doesn't matter.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that's not what I'm talking about. I think I made high school stuff.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think.

[Jay Oakerson]

With my chick.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I think they were out of high school. Yeah, I think they went to school.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bobby Burnham.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, I've never. You know that. I've never. I've never been into younger chicks. I've always dated chicks.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no, no. That's not the issue. It's not a matter of being in the younger chicks. I was young when this happened. It's just a matter of when you're not young anymore and you still have the tapes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, dude, you can't have that.

[Bobby Kelly]

You understand? They Came out where? Our age difference. I couldn't have, because when I was your age, when you were filming it, the technology wasn't there. So the technology came in when I was in my early, late 19s, late teens and early 20s. So you got to film pedophile porn? Yes, and I.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's called child pornography. The pedophile is the person who is over age partaking.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I mean, you say tomato, I.

[Jay Oakerson]

Say tomahto, but no, no, you said pedophile, and I'm not.

[Bobby Kelly]

We found those tapes. What?

[Jay Oakerson]

I burned those.

[Bobby Kelly]

We should, you know, we should do one day. Don't you have a thing that shows d. Do you have that thing? Didn't you say you had that where you can put a Super 8 in and watch it?

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, I had it, okay? For those tapes.

[Bobby Kelly]

You got rid of it.

[Jay Oakerson]

The whole thing's gone.

[Bobby Kelly]

The actual player, buddy.

[Jay Oakerson]

I couldn't have demolished that fast enough. When I realized, I go, oh, wait, I know she's. You know, we're common ages now also. But these videos are not. When we were.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let me ask you a question. Yes, you deleted them, but you take one last look.

[Jay Oakerson]

Delete it. No deleting.

[Bobby Kelly]

These are tapes when you got rid of it.

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Stop being so fucking corrective and just answer the question, pervert. Well, did you watch any of it? You had to, to see what it was.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, no, no. It's only that it was. The problem was the reason I got them at all from my mom's one day in my 20s, there was my closet.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that wasn't your red tape. Him watch these?

[Jay Oakerson]

No, my old closet, when I went, it was because, unfortunately, the same time, you know, I mean, like. Like I start. I'm starting comedy. So I would put comedy on those tapes afterwards and. And then some. So those tapes would be a mix. Mishmash of. Nothing was labeled, right? So it was like sometimes you'd see me and Kurt doing comedy at the Laugh House, and then some of them were, I guess now because they're child pornography.

[Bobby Kelly]

You should have sold them.

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

You could have made a lot.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, dude, I'll tell you what.

[Bobby Kelly]

People like to laugh anti child pornography.

[Jay Oakerson]

It was an. It was an instantaneous in the minute flip of a switch because Even in my 20s, I was like, oh, these are pretty hot because it's my girlfriend at the time. You know what I'm saying? And then you go, oh, wait, yes. Like, this isn't my girl. This is my girlfriend when we were in our teens.

[Bobby Kelly]

Mine are all legal and legal Age girls. But I have some.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bobby. I know that, Lou.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I swear to God.

[Jay Oakerson]

I know they are.

[Bobby Kelly]

Mine are all legal.

[Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely. Those girls were born at a time that made them legal. When you filmed them.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, well, they were grandfathered in. But. But I do, you know, I went through a. Like a directorial phase of filming.

[Jay Oakerson]

Really.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I would. I actually put like tape down. Like marks.

[Jay Oakerson]

Do you have to hold like that light thing in front of her and be like. You're. You're reflecting a lot. Makeup. Yeah. Get in here.

[Bobby Kelly]

I like age.

[Jay Oakerson]

Can we fucking. Can we flatten out? Can we.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do me a favor. Get me the Spielberg lens. I want to get it on this. No, but I would do like.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's a flappy. We'll have to do something about that. All right, take lunch, everybody. I got a brainstorm.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do we have enough in the budget for fx? We. No, but I would direct. I would make like little movies with these girls I was dating.

[Jay Oakerson]

Weird.

[Bobby Kelly]

For us. No, for me. For you and my friend. No.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why did you need.

[Bobby Kelly]

I never showed anybody though.

[Jay Oakerson]

But why do you need. Oh, Bobby, of course. You never showed anybody.

[Bobby Kelly]

I never showed.

[Jay Oakerson]

Of course you never showed anybody those.

[Bobby Kelly]

I didn't. Jay. I swear to God. I never showed anybody.

[Jay Oakerson]

Of course I know. Gary Goldman just gave yours back the other day. No, he's been looking at child pornography. You ruin all my fun. There's not. Forget Dane Cuckoo borrowed the shit out of those tapes.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's one I could release and it would probably be a fantastic. Like a. Maybe win an award.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why it's with Dane Cook.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, that'd be great if I had that.

[Jay Oakerson]

You and Dane having gay sex. What a bombshell.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no.

[Jay Oakerson]

What a bombshell.

[Bobby Kelly]

There'd be girls in the middle.

[Jay Oakerson]

Can somebody. AI, Bobby and Dane Cook having gay sex.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't do that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Multiple position.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't do that again.

[Jay Oakerson]

Let's do. Here's what I'd like. If someone out there can write this down and do AI very easily. I like Bobby going in and almost remember like the old Jason Ellis video where he goes, I want you pawing at Dane a little bit at his. At his pecker. And then he allows you to suck him off. And then a hard cut into Bobby just being. Having his ass whaled by Dan.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why the fuck do you think in our relationship I would be the bottom?

[Jay Oakerson]

This has nothing to do with talent. But he was the headliner. He was the headliner.

[Bobby Kelly]

You make a good point. He was the headliner. If we want to sell this thing, we're not Going to sell it on my name.

[Jay Oakerson]

You want to get this thing out there, you might have to take a couple of whales in the shitter from fucking Dane Cook.

[Bobby Kelly]

We can call it Torgasm again. Yes, I. I know, but some of them were actually. I remember watching them after I was done being like, that is a good movie. I did a good job, you know, because I had to edit on the fly because there's no editing machine. I had to go, cut. All right, now go over here and do the, like, film as we went. There was one with this girl.

[Jay Oakerson]

What a break of, like, sexual energy, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

What do you mean? Oh, yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

She's like sucking your dick. And you go, all right, first positions.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, well, I had this girl, Rachel, that. She filmed one. Dude. She pretended. She pretended to be my friend. She pretended to be my. She was with my friend and she was. It was at my apartment, but we. I was staying over my friend's house. He. She was his girlfriend. She pretended to be my friend's girlfriend. Aldo. Benny's girlfriend. And I. I was staying there for the weekend. And I went into the bathroom to go to the bathroom, and she came in by accident, like, kind of sleepy. And she's like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. And I was, you know. You know, peeing. And she was like, oh, I'm so sorry. And I was like, ah, no, I apologize.

[Christine]

I.

[Bobby Kelly]

And she's like, can I just grab my. I have to get my aspirin. I was like, oh, yeah, let me just put that away. She said, no, you can finish. I had brothers. And I was like, are you sure? She's like, yeah, yeah, go ahead. And she's getting her aspirins, and she's slowly looking at. Get. Trying to get the aspirins and fumbling around in the medicine cabinet, but looking down at me as she's doing it. And I'm like, what are you looking at? She's like, I don't know. I. I don't know. I've just always wondered what it was like. But you're my friend's girl. She's like, he's sleeping. I know, but he's in the other room. She's like, so what? You know you want it. And I was like, I can't do this. I'm not doing this to my friend. I fought it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Is this acting the only way you can get your gay penis up for a woman?

[Bobby Kelly]

First of all, says a man with pink striped mittens on.

[Jay Oakerson]

You bought these for me? Says the man who bought Them for me.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're my bear bear.

[Jay Oakerson]

Thank you.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're my bear bear. I take care of my bear.

[Jay Oakerson]

I appreciate that. I like being your bear bear.

[Bobby Kelly]

You are my bear be. No, but, dude, it was such chains on them. Yeah, they have chains.

[Christine]

Chains on.

[Jay Oakerson]

On some spikes.

[Bobby Kelly]

They have spikes on the knuckles and chains. I bought them for Jay at the mall. Like a Dungeon and Dragons couple went to Hot Topic.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna get some. I'm gonna get some new spikes and some spike glue. Don't worry.

[Bobby Kelly]

A couple of the spikes. I wonder how that happened. But, yeah, dude, it was a. It was so hot, and she was so hot. And then she just went down and did. Oh, I videotaped the POV angle.

[Jay Oakerson]

Finally you were able to view her as a thespian, not a woman.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think that's where I got my acting from my early days of acting.

[Jay Oakerson]

Your early pornography days. What a waste of time.

[Bobby Kelly]

That tape is in there somewhere.

[Jay Oakerson]

You know what? Me and you have a different take on the thing. You know, Metzger used to have that great joke. I was always jealous of it almost. It was so funny, so true about strip clubs. He was like, everything in a strip club is essentially for the strippers. The lighting, the thing, the fact that it's super loud music and the dancing and the pole war. It's all they go. If guys could pick a strip club, he was like, it would be harsh. Fluorescent lights. And the girl would come out in her regular street clothes and just stand there with no music. And people would go, take your clothes off. And she'd have to, like, nervously just do it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then just stand there naked like this while everyone just looks at her and throws money. That's what guys want.

[Bobby Kelly]

We use tokens, like a fun spot.

[Jay Oakerson]

And it's just so true. So that's what I'm saying. The fact that you had this whole, like, you want to do the scenarios and stuff. I'm like, anytime I've wanted to, like, film sex stuff, I'm like, can you show me how far open you can hold your. Like, let's just show some feats of sexual things that I'll never see.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's just different art. You know what I mean? It's different art. You know what I mean? I mean, I like.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're acting. I'm the pussy, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

I. I was into acting. Scenario directing. You were in.

[Jay Oakerson]

Let's get scene work.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, Scene work. You were into. Let's just get it down to it. Open that up.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, it's not about just Getting down to it. I'm not a let's just get down to it guy. It's actually not my energy, but I'm definitely. It's gonna have to be filthier than, like, let's do some acting. I'll never be able to roleplay in my life.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love it. I love it so much. I love it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Can you commit, buddy?

[Bobby Kelly]

I am a thespian through and through, and if I can get a girl that can hold.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're a comedic mind.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I know.

[Jay Oakerson]

So how do you not laugh at yourself when you're hitting your lines?

[Bobby Kelly]

Because I'm both, Jay. You can be both. I am a comic. Yes, but I am a thespian. And let me tell you something. Nothing gets me hotter than when.

[Jay Oakerson]

Scene work.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I love a scenario. Oh, my. One of my favorite porns is when the stepson comes in and the stepmom is in the shower, but she has a broken leg. And she's trying to get out, but she can't get the towel. And she's kind of like, oh, fuck, no. And he's like, you all right? He's like, no. And she's kind of sad, and you need help. Yeah, please. I can't get the towel. And he comes over, and she, like, you know, holding it up, and it falls off. She's like, I'm sorry. He's like, it's okay to worry about it. And he helps her back into the other room, and they start talking. She's like, you know, this is really bumming me out. I feel like a burden. And your father, he's never home, and I know he's kind of a jerk. He is kind of a jerk, isn't he? And they start getting closer, and he's like, yeah, he is kind of a jerk. And then she lets the towel drop, and he's like, we shouldn't do this. And she's like, we shouldn't. I know. And then they just stop making out. Oh, I love when they make out.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why don't you role play that with Dawn? First things first. You gotta break her leg.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's not a problem. That'd be an easy part.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. The hard part would be just even when she act like you didn't feel her tap out.

[Bobby Kelly]

We tried role playing once, and every scenario I gave her, she's like, no. Now.

[Jay Oakerson]

She said, I will role play. And then you said, let's do this one. She said, no.

[Bobby Kelly]

I said, yeah, we're in a massage with polish. Because now I go, why? She goes, because I Work at a spa. I go, you're an esthetician. Totally different spa.

[Jay Oakerson]

She's like, because I don't know how to give good massages. I could pop the blackheads on your back.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll jerk you off while I pop your blackheads. Yeah. She is a terrible actress. Terrible.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I like a good actress, man.

[Jay Oakerson]

Role playing. No.

[Bobby Kelly]

I had a girl in Vegas that used to do it all the time. She would get into it, she would show up with outfits, come in ready to go. Oh. She'd stay in character. Even after we were done, she'd be like, all right, I gotta get back to the hospital.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't mind an outfit, but it's just gonna be so short lived. I'm not gonna sit there and do a whole.

[Bobby Kelly]

The only time I do break characters.

[Jay Oakerson]

Secretary, can you please take a note for me?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm in it. I'm in it. I'm in it. That's a good one. I never did that one.

[Jay Oakerson]

What do you mean that one?

[Bobby Kelly]

Secretary never did that.

[Jay Oakerson]

I didn't know I was giving you new ideas.

[Bobby Kelly]

You are. Maybe Don could do that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah. And you, you. You pull your dick out. And while she's sucking your dick, you look and be like, did you book my flight for the wrong day, you idiot?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I can role play. This is the role play you're going to be. Just pretend like you're not enjoying it and give me the driest blowjob you could possibly give me.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then get hot. Have your neck get hot in the middle of it, and then go take some type of medication and have your menopause tea.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know if that's what was happening. She seemed to be having a good time. There was a black woman in the very front row of my Saturday late show. I believe it was in Nyack. And she kept dunking a napkin into her water and patting her neck the entire show. I was worried that she wasn't having a good time, but she was. She was laughing, she was having a great time, but, like, all of her downtime was patting her neck with, like, cold water.

[Bobby Kelly]

God damn, I wish I was fat. That's a great fat technique. I could have used that a lot of times on airplanes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Watering your neck?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I've had hot neck.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. That's not gonna look worse and fatter. Fat guy's watering his neck over there. Can I move, please?

[Bobby Kelly]

I used to travel with a fan that attached to my iPhone.

[Jay Oakerson]

Come on, buddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Every time I got on a plane, I was 360. It took me 30 minutes to use my stomach to hold the seat belt. And then I was out of breath. I was hot. That fan never did anything. I would have my own fan just to cool me down because I felt bad that I was just sweating.

[Christine]

Oh, God. I turn off all the fans in my row.

[Bobby Kelly]

I turn them on. I. I need them.

[Jay Oakerson]

I turned on. I always turn the fans on because I. But it is funny. Before, most of the time it was just to keep me, like, not hot.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, man.

[Jay Oakerson]

But now I put them on. Like, I don't necessarily, like, when I get on the plane right away, I don't think. My first instinct isn't to just turn them on, but I always turn them on because I'd rather get, like. I'd rather. I'll sleep better if I wake up from sleep cold and turn it off and like, go back to sleep. You know? I mean, versus, like, waking up hot.

[Bobby Kelly]

I used to hate how there would be, like, sweat in my neck roll, you know, that little. That little thing, and it would just be. You could feel it, like, peel away from it. It would just peel away from the other part of your neck.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I was like, would you agree, Bobby?

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, Jacob.

[Jay Oakerson]

Fuck off, Jacob. Bobby, would you agree on plane etiquette here? Because this is something I've encountered a lot lately.

[Bobby Kelly]

What? Jacob's face.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no. When I get on a plane, if it's sunny, if there's sun blaring through the plane windows. Blaring through.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And your window is open. And you're not a child looking out with whimsy and wonderful. You should be allowed to say something. That person.

[Bobby Kelly]

You shut it. Shut it.

[Jay Oakerson]

My scary one is the not lineup of the windows. And the person who's got the blaring, his window is just like, part of it's here and my windows here.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nope.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then I'm like, you want to be like. You know, if I even, like, I'd have a good excuse. If I. When I lean back. If I lean back a little bit to just be like, oh, this is right in my fucking face right here.

[Bobby Kelly]

If I have.

[Jay Oakerson]

Shut it and don't say a word.

[Bobby Kelly]

If I have an inch of that. If my chair reclines and I have some of that window in my thing, I shut it.

[Jay Oakerson]

You don't even ask.

[Bobby Kelly]

I shut it.

[Jay Oakerson]

You don't look back. You don't say you mind.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's. I own some of that window.

[Jay Oakerson]

I agree.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. And I'll. I'll. I'll. Alamo draft People. I'll. I'll get the flight attendant, like, hey, can you shut that window? It's like, right. It's killing me. It's right in my eye.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And they'll go over and really, they'll shut it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, man.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. I'll rat somebody out in a sec.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm not enough of a Karen.

[Christine]

The last two times I was on a flight, the one. It was a two adult. They refuse to close the window. And they're taking pictures of the. The sky while we're flying. And the sun is blasting in my. And then the one across.

[Bobby Kelly]

On a second.

[Christine]

The one across from me is. So I've got it from both sides.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look at. If you. If you're taking a couple photos of a good.

[Christine]

No, the whole flight.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's right.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would. I would. If you're taking a couple photos, I let you take your photos. That's fine. I get that. I've always. I've seen when you're in the plane and you look out and the sun's hitting the cloud, like, oh, my God, it's magical. I've done that.

[Christine]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Stupid shit.

[Jay Oakerson]

I haven't.

[Christine]

I'm talking the whole flight.

[Bobby Kelly]

But you have. You wear pink gloves. So everybody has their own thing.

[Jay Oakerson]

We all find our own whimsy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I. Yeah, I would let him take it, but. Shut. Shut it. Rat him out.

[Christine]

No, no. She was mesmerized the entire flight.

[Bobby Kelly]

What was she?

[Christine]

Woman in her 40s.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are you sure she wasn't retarded?

[Christine]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay, you're not sure.

[Christine]

No, she was not retarded.

[Jay Oakerson]

You asked her?

[Christine]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but she might have just been like. She might have been trapped on an island for 10 years, and they just got her back, and now she's in a plane like, I'm going home.

[Jay Oakerson]

Always ask somebody if they're a retard if they freak out. They're not.

[Christine]

Yeah, I didn't. But maybe you're right.

[Jay Oakerson]

If you ask a retard if they're retarded, they usually go, yes.

[Christine]

Yeah, but I mean, they do the opposite side. The opposite aisle, too. I got nailed. They would not shut the window. They're both, like, fascinated.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Rat them out. The flight attendant will walk over and go, hey, we got to shut those. They'll shut them for you because they get it. The flight attendants are on your side.

[Jay Oakerson]

Are they?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't always feel that's the case.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, they are.

[Jay Oakerson]

Depends.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you say, hey, that thing's killing me. I gotta. I'm trying to sleep. And it's just. It's so hot. They'll just be like, I'll take care of it. Hey, can you shut that, please?

[Jay Oakerson]

Best way to get the stewardess on your side with. They can't take it Starbucks cuts. It's the.

[Bobby Kelly]

They can take money. I've tipped stewardess, flight attendants.

[Jay Oakerson]

I've been told several times they're not allowed at all.

[Bobby Kelly]

You can.

[Jay Oakerson]

Big deal. You get in trouble for that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Really? No, I've done it. I said, go get yourself a Starbucks. Thank you so much.

[Jay Oakerson]

What an old man. Get yourself some nice, kiddo.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, how you doing?

[Jay Oakerson]

The flight attendants. It's good. You can get them on your side if you back. That the best thing in the world? When I'm in the line on the jet bridge, when I see somebody like a few people ahead of you being a jerk off already, like, he's complaining about whatever, and he's gonna. When there's that guy going, you're like, nice, because. And I hope it's near enough to me where whatever he lays on her right away when I get to go behind, I'll be like, it's like. It's like that guy. It's like, it's a little early in the morning for that, don't you think? I go, I'm in two way. Can I hang my jacket? And they're like, yeah, of course.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then you get him on your side for sure. But I don't know. I hate the confrontation of any of that. And. And. But lately I feel like, for whatever reason, someone has been. I've woken up and been like, is my shirt on fire? And you're like, nope, I'm being like, what do you call that when you use the magnifying glass? Magnifying glass of like, it's like steam coming out of, like, a dot on my shirt.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ah, well, it is. You're very. You're closer to the sun than you can be on Earth. You're literally right.

[Jay Oakerson]

The window is just, like, focusing it in on a beam under my chest. Like, I'm like, why am I so hot right here? And you're like, oh, God, my shirt's a different color over here.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's the worst. It's the worst. Being on a plane in the morning, having the window open. And that sun. When you hit the. When you go up above the clouds and that sun is just beaming through on your face and everybody else has their window shut. And that one selfish dickhead. The worst is. Look. I don't. When they're looking out, taking photos in wonderment. I kind of okay with that. When they're just reading and they're just doing their thing.

[Jay Oakerson]

Put the light on. You schmutz you.

[Christine]

She read by the window light after she took the pictures. She read the entire flight.

[Jay Oakerson]

Her book didn't catch on fire.

[Christine]

She wanted natural light.

[Bobby Kelly]

You gotta just tell them, look, look at you. Just lie. Just be like, look, I got a cataracts in this eye and that's affecting me.

[Jay Oakerson]

And they go. Cataracts means suns. Makes you feel better than whatever the other thing is.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I got. I got an immaculate pucker. Look that up.

[Jay Oakerson]

Ye now look that up. Or just close the window, please. I am also very. I'm thoughtful on plane for the most part always. I really try to like I'm window and I go against the window as much as possible. I give the person all the room they could handle. I'm not a big armrest guy even on that side. I've never really been in a jockeying for a position outside of the guy I just had the thing with last time.

[Bobby Kelly]

It depends on how you put your bags down. If I always get window. So if you come in and you're slamming your bags down and jamming your bag and you have that manic energy, I fucking hate you. And I will let you know I hate you. I won't even look at you and I will fucking jam my arm right there. But if you come in, you're like, hey, how are you? I'm whatever you want, you can have it.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I said bump thought I rarely if ever recline in like a regular sit up seat. Rarely ever. And then also same thing when I when I have the window closed. You know, sometimes like turbulence happens and I want to kind of look out for a second for whatever reason, whatever my nerves are or just like my ears are popping and I wake up and I'm like, oh, are we landing? I want to look real quick to see if we're coming down. I do this. I literally go sip, sip. Yeah, I do it purposely to go like sorry if anyone that bothered. I care. I don't like when other people don't care.

[Bobby Kelly]

I care.

[Jay Oakerson]

But if you see my fucking.

[Bobby Kelly]

I had a guy, you see my.

[Jay Oakerson]

Fucking headphones melting in the sunlight, you know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Then you know the little will you that you come in there's in the first class. We're talking first class. Jacob. Hang on one second. It's the whole of the world in first class.

[Jay Oakerson]

We'll grab something. Would you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, real quick. But something local. I'm on a diet. Where they put the waters. You have two waters usually. You gotta kinda. I'm always in the window, so I gotta skim by them, try not to knock them over with my stomach, which is embarrassing.

[Jay Oakerson]

You gotta go. You have to go. Tummy towards seats.

[Bobby Kelly]

Tummy towards seats.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I sit down. This guy comes in manic, right? Bag up, you know, he's moving other people's bags to fit his shit, which bugs me. Just put it on the other side. Fuck you. Don't touch my shit.

[Jay Oakerson]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is the thing I got into on the plane though. When I got into it to go on a plane, he stood up to get some shit in my face about turning his bag to see if my bag could fit. And then putting his bag back where it was, like turning it. I didn't even move it. I just turned it this way. And then I was like, both bags aren't gonna fit. And I turned this way. He stood up, you know, here he goes. He goes, let me help you with that. And I was like, I didn't know it was his stuff here. I go, what? He goes, you're throwing my bag around. I go, who's throwing your bag? I didn't tell you this? No, no. I definitely tore it on skanks. But the guy was like, that's good. Yeah. He got in my. He got in my face. None of my. He wasn't even. He just like stood up and like right here. And he's like. And he's doing like the smile over smiling thing. He's like, you start. I go, no one's throwing your bag around, dude. I was seeing a fit and then I. So then I just fucking move. I just flipped it back the way he didn't have it and put mine in there anyway. And I know it's not going to close, so in my mind I'm just going to. When she comes over and asks, I go, you're moving your stuff now, dude. I guess what's going to happen? And it's exactly what happened. She came over, she goes, these both aren't going to fit. And then I didn't even ask. She just goes, whose suitcase is this? He has suitcase and a bag. And she goes, who's suitcase? He's like, mine. She goes, I'm going to put this. I'm going to check this. So you just get it at the thing like that. And he kind of stands up for that. And then I was kind of like smiling at him and Then Dylan walked by. Dylan's like, have fun with this guy. I go, I will. And we sat down, and the entire flight, I sat next to him. I aimed towards him diagonal, and I was this. And I had my leg on his lap.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, sir.

[Jay Oakerson]

On my life.

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

On his lap.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why on his lap?

[Jay Oakerson]

Because fuck him, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

You put your fucking leg on somebody.

[Jay Oakerson]

My foot on his knee.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're fucking.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'll tell you what. Your leg doesn't fall asleep if something's propping it up that well. I was able to do it almost the entire flight.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I don't understand. If you put your fucking foot on me, I would fight you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Right?

[Bobby Kelly]

What did he do?

[Jay Oakerson]

Accepted it and acted like he was sleeping.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, my God. You bitched him out that bad.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then he would, like, move, and then I'd just, like, put it back. Like, he would move because he was acting like he was asleep. So he was like, put it back on. And then I went to sleep. And then I'd wake up and he would just be like, on his phone over my foot.

[Bobby Kelly]

I fucking would. I would have fucking untied. I would have tied your shoes together. I hate that. If you touch me on a plane, I. I hate when I was saying before the guy, that little middle space where the two waters are. So we get our meal. You get a meal in first class, Jacob. We get our meal.

[Jay Oakerson]

Do you. I sleep.

[Bobby Kelly]

I always. I know. I love the meal.

[Christine]

You don't even take the meal that you get.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's. That's crazy.

[Jay Oakerson]

I say, give it to a bum.

[Christine]

Back in the experience.

[Jay Oakerson]

I say, give it to a bum in economy. So go bless somebody in economy.

[Bobby Kelly]

So she comes over with. So I had my water off that thing at that point. I drank. I drank my water. Water. And all of a sudden, he gets his meal first and he gets his drink and he has his water. He puts. He takes over that whole space with drinks. The whole space. Now, that space is for my cup. So my tray comes with my cranberry juice. I get it on ice. It comes in a glass cup, which is crazy.

[Jay Oakerson]

And you heard of that UTI yet?

[Bobby Kelly]

Not yet, but my jizz tastes fantastic. So I put it down and I get my meal. And then I have. I'm holding my cup and I literally tapped his water. I went, move that. Move that. He goes, what? I go, move that. I gotta put my cup down. And he was like, oh, okay. Like, he didn't know. You knew that that was my fucking spot. You taught. And then I just left My cup to the whole fucking flight, so you can't use it at all. Piece of shit. Yeah, I hate that. And I hate when women come in with these stupid big bags. Now I'm a bag whore. I know I should have some type of, I don't know, allegiance to these people. And they come in and they put it not under their seat in the middle. The middle space is shared space. That's where my foot goes. That's where your foot goes. Your bag goes in front of your seat. My bag goes in front of my seat. The middle space is clean. A lot of people will take their stupid bag because they want their feet clean and stick it in the middle. You know what I do? I put my dirty foot right on that bag.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. Oh.

[Bobby Kelly]

Some lady was like, you know, that's a Fendi or some. I was like, yeah, I don't give a.

[Jay Oakerson]

You put on the floor. It's a floor bag now. Now it's my foot rest and it's fake.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know. I'm a bag whore.

[Jay Oakerson]

I hated that so much. I've never had confrontation ever on a plane, ever. That was the first time. The way he just got up, dude, and was just like, yes. Let me help you with that right there. It was such a cunty for. No, it wasn't passive aggressive.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't like when people touch my bag either, though. I gotta. I gotta.

[Jay Oakerson]

But you can't stuff. There's three seats in that row. You've stuffed the entire rows things with yours to this tiny thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

If I did that, I'd be a dick. And whatever you did, I did. I always. I put one bag up, one bag down. But there's people that come in and start. You know, you're not fitting your bag in there, dude. And you're starting to grab the way they grab it and start smashing stuff. It's like, dude, I got my computer in there. I got a lot of tech in there, you piece of shit. I. What do you do? I hate that when they do that. I got into a fight. I got one altercation on a plane. I was on a plane. I was in Comfort Plus. That's a. That's like, not first class, Jacob, but it's nice. You get more leg.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's like. I think they're pieces of shit, but you probably think they're, like, doing all right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I. I look it.

[Christine]

Comfort plus is just extra leg.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's a little more legroom. But to me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Stop, stop, stop, stop. You get snacks, the snack basket that the people you don't get that.

[Christine]

Oh, that. I didn't know.

[Jay Oakerson]

Free snack basket.

[Bobby Kelly]

Free snack basket. And you get, you know, free drinks and all that stuff too. You get to board the plane. Second, not, you know, it's not fourth.

[Jay Oakerson]

Or fifth or movies. Movies might be free too.

[Bobby Kelly]

Movies are free. All movies are free.

[Christine]

The best text I ever got, I believe is when we went to Las Vegas and Bobby and I were on the same flight. And he said he looked, you know, he was sitting in first class and I had to pass him on the way to the cattle section. And about an hour and a half later I got a text from them and it was the photo of the full spread of food, the buffet that they served.

[Jay Oakerson]

Cloth placemats.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, cloth.

[Christine]

It looks so elegant.

[Jay Oakerson]

Cloth placemats. You ever see when you go to the other one, they just have a piece of paper that's. That sort of fits the shape of your tray, whatever.

[Bobby Kelly]

With that it looked metal. Metals, fork.

[Jay Oakerson]

Nice silverware for sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, so good. But this guy. It's when the TVs first came on Delta, the nice ones where you touch the screen. So I got on my seat and I was, I was just tapping, not tapping like hard tapping the screen like, you know, going to find a movie. And kind of fascinated that this was on. I knew JetBlue had it, but it was that little one. But this was a nice. And the guy in front of me, I think he was like German, it was, you know, blonde head, European guy. He stood up, he went, he goes, stop tapping the screen. You. You banging my head. I swear to God. We don't have a problem if you keep tapping the back of my seat like that. And I. The rage from all everything in my life filled my chest and I just paused and I let it build like a volcano. And I stuck my seat through the chair and I went, I will fucking murder you on this fucking plane right now. You fucking make a move, you piece of shit. Then I said some words I can't say on the radio and I was like, I'll fucking do it right now. You understand me? Shut the fuck up and don't let me see your face again. And then that was it for the flight. But he got me to he beginning of the flight. He. But out of nowhere, like, it wasn't like I was doing it right at the beginning of the flight. I just tapped a few times.

[Jay Oakerson]

Get the over it off. That's what I'm saying. Flying sucks across board, so just not in first class.

[Bobby Kelly]

It does. It sucks less than what you sucks less.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, but it's just like, just get on the plane, do your thing, go to sleep. It's like, why is everything. Why are you shoveling eight pieces of luggage up in the overhead? Just do the thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

How about the person.

[Jay Oakerson]

That guy knows how to fly. That guy knew what he was doing. Like it wasn't a guy wasn't. He's a business dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

How about the person that comes on and they're in the back, but they put their luggage in first or in. In comfort. Plus that's funny, which infuriates me. And it's usually going to la. It's happened a couple times. Some la. And it happened to me going to LA on the. With the five seats. The two seats. Five or the three seats? Two seats. One of those big planes that they don't use anymore for some reason. After Covid and she put her bag up over my place and I was just like, what the. You can't do that. That's against the rules. And the stewardess, flight attendant caught her. She goes, ma', am, ma', am, where are you sitting? She was like, oh, I'm sitting. What row? She had to say 30 something. And she went, yeah, bring your bag back there.

[Christine]

I know, 30.

[Bobby Kelly]

It made me so happy. I just was laughing. I was chuckling in her face. She had to take her back down and go back to 30 something.

[Jay Oakerson]

I will. From now on, though, if someone. If it's a tiny. One of the little tiny planes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And someone has a suitcase up on top. I'm just gonna take the suitcase down and just present to the flight attendant like, that can't be up here. And then we'll see what happens. And I promise you, I will do that. Unless Asterix, that person is black or Latino.

[Bobby Kelly]

What about. What about they.

[Jay Oakerson]

Them, they, them? I can't wait to get into that. I can't. I want to mix up that one right there. I go, I know you have to pack for two full genders for a weekend, but maybe check it, check it at the gate.

[Bobby Kelly]

What about. What about people with big dogs?

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, I had a dog about Dawkins size.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's wrong with that, man?

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, I think it sucks again. There was a lady who was next to me with a dog, not keeping a very good eye on this dog as far as what it was doing, but the dog kept doing. It was like almost laying across my feet at points. And if it makes sense, like, I like dogs, especially now as a dog owner. I was like, I'm fine with it. Does that make sense? The dog is adorable. I was fine. But there is something where you're like, lady, this is actually. It's fucking crazy. You're just letting this happen. You're not acknowledging it at all. This dog's actually becoming a pro. The flight attendants were kind of like, miss, he's gotta stay, like, in the thing. Like, we're coming down the aisle. And she's like, oh, God, yeah, sorry. And she's almost like these people with the dogs. Like, no, lady, you're a terrible dog owner. Yeah, this dog is adorable. So it's basically laying on my feet. So I'm like, well, I'm not gonna fuck. What am I gonna do? Get your fucking dog. It was adorable.

[Bobby Kelly]

The. The flight back from Skank Fest. Josh was on my flight, and it was just one of the most annoying flights I've ever been on. Just. He talked.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's cooked out the whole.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, what do you know? You know, I'm going down there, and that's what happens, is a thing, you know, if it's not for me, I mean, I do my thing at the end and kind of. I stood up in the middle of the flight and I went, josh. He went, yeah. And I went, shut the up.

[Jay Oakerson]

I was like, hang on, I'm still coming down.

[Bobby Kelly]

And tell Leica to shut the up, too. Now. I don't mind that. I don't even mind kids. Like, I used to hate kids, but now having a kid flying with the baby, and I feel I.

[Jay Oakerson]

It only makes you feel. It only makes you feel bad. When I hear baby freaking, I think, here's. At the end of the day, dude, you can put your fucking headphone. Every headphone they make now, if you bought a pair of headphones in the store, cancel out. That's right. You'll be fine. So, crying baby, all I do is feel bad for them. I'm like. I'm like, that's what it is. Like, do you think they want that? You think they want to even. They want everybody mad at their child, their baby pressure.

[Bobby Kelly]

The pressure you have as a parent when your kid starts crying on a plane is unbearable because, you know, everybody hates you and there's nothing you can do, not even you.

[Jay Oakerson]

They sort of also hate your baby. So you're kind of angry at everyone for hating and still knowing you're the asshole. There's just nothing good about it.

[Bobby Kelly]

And you have to stick up for your kid, too, because there's always that guy who. That old guy will turn around and say something.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's like you lonely old fuck, your kids don't even talk to you.

[Christine]

Yeah, yeah, I do put those noise canceling on but the worst one I ever saw and I felt bad for the guy.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, you just go back and forth to Florida. So everybody on your flight's fucking on the door of death.

[Bobby Kelly]

It takes three hours to board your plane.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh my God. Yeah. When you get off your plane, Jacob. I know that's always. I'll do it this weekend. Going down to Fort Lauderdale this weekend when I land. It's the best. When you land on the plane is where you really see it is like when you get into the jet bridge. There's 17 wheelchairs lined up the whole fucking thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Well the one one guy had a three year old, so he was, you know, quite grown and he was throwing a temper tantrum for three hours straight to the fact if he had to like vice grip him because the kid was trying to squirm for three hours to get out and flying, flying for.

[Bobby Kelly]

I still feel empathy for him. Flying for a kid is just the worst. Their ears hurt. They don't understand it. They sitting down in one spot for.

[Jay Oakerson]

They don't know how to blow their like, like pop their ears. Take that. It hurts the whole way.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. We still have to put stuff in Max's ears. These little plugs. When the door shuts we have to put them in because he would. He would freak out.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, the airplanes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Things we used to. I took him to Aruba when he was one and it was a nightmare. Don't forget the carriage, the luggage, the thing of bait.

[Jay Oakerson]

All the vander sloots murders.

[Christine]

You do that everything. Aruba has the scuba, the equalizing trick on the plane.

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Christine]

Yeah. It's like a scuba diving. Yeah. When you go down as a scuba diver, every few feet you have to pinch your nose and then blow.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you turn your head clear years.

[Christine]

Or else you'll be.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you're saying that's the trick?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Popping your ears. Yeah, I do that.

[Christine]

So you do that on the 30.

[Jay Oakerson]

000 times every flight I'm on. Yeah, it never stops happening. Yeah. As I'm saying, a baby can't. You can't have a baby. Doesn't know how to do that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Even a three year old doesn't know how to do that. They don't get it. I do feel bad. I told you. One lady gave me her kid for like, like 30 minutes.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's strange.

[Bobby Kelly]

She. We were in first class and she had. She was. I Don't know what she like should have molested him.

[Jay Oakerson]

Teach her a lesson.

[Bobby Kelly]

She was like from Sweden or some ice, you know, one of those Nordic places. She's this big blonde woman and her kid was a maniac the whole flight and I'm laughing. It doesn't bother me at all because I have, you know, I've been there. And she's like, I'm sorry, you know, whatever accent. I'm sorry, he just doesn't fly. And I was like, it's fine. I get. I have a kid, don't worry about it. And at one point she goes, would you mind watching him while I go to the bathroom? I was like, yeah, sure.

[Jay Oakerson]

She just took a nap in the bathroom.

[Bobby Kelly]

She went and got shit faced in the bathroom.

[Jay Oakerson]

Shit face.

[Bobby Kelly]

She came back up, she was trashed.

[Jay Oakerson]

I love that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was laughing my ass off.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's great.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm just watching this little.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay, prepare to handle now.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just watching this towhead for a half hour. He was good with me. He didn't even fucking move. He was just sitting there watching tv. But she, but I'm sitting there like she left for a half hour.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm like, that's crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Should I say something like, what if this bitch is dead?

[Jay Oakerson]

Take my baby. He's yours now until I return.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, planes in first class though. It is nice. So nice.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think I had was in first class.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to, I want to fly the. The bed. I want to go to like Dubai in the. When. Because when you show up, you know.

[Jay Oakerson]

They treat their women.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. The way we should treat women. You mean the good old days in America?

[Jay Oakerson]

Do you know how awesomely they treat their women before.

[Bobby Kelly]

Before 1910, you guys, they go.

[Jay Oakerson]

Every time someone says that about a place, they go, do you know how they treat their women? I go, yeah, but look how they treat their men. Looks great for me. Actually.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not for boys.

[Christine]

I can't imagine having a problem in first class. Look, you're. You're angry that you're. And you're with all the stuff you can do in first class. The room.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh joy.

[Bobby Kelly]

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[Jay Oakerson]

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Jay Oakerson]

Christine brought the best first class. Can I tell you something? This is fantastic. Whatever this costs is overkill. That's not worth it. I would do it over anything else if I could afford it, I guess.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, look, if. If it's a. If it's a flight to Dubai or like to Australia, if it's a, like Australia, Yeah, a long flight. Japan, that type of shit is great, but to San Francisco, it's stupid.

[Jay Oakerson]

It. Well, it's from Dubai. It was from Dubai.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, from Dubai. Dude, in the one to Dubai, you actually, when you show up at the lounge, you get your own room. Yeah, when you get to the lounge, they take you to your own room with food, dinner, shower, bathroom, tv. And then they come and get you and bring you to your suite on the plane.

[Jay Oakerson]

Or you can take a shower and stuff.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you can take a shower on.

[Jay Oakerson]

On the plane, but the actual sitting area is still a coffin tomb.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is not the one. The one, the best one is. It's an actual suite. It's a bed. It's a.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's a bed.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, this is a bedroom. You have Your separate bedroom. There's one that has a separate bedroom cost. This says 15 grand. Yeah, people do it with miles. Like you strap yourself in a bed. You have like a. You have a lounge that you sit in. We watch tv. And then you go into your bedroom with a bed. With a bed in it to sleep.

[Jay Oakerson]

That'd be great for. For sure. That would be unbelievable. On Dubai, a flight to Australia.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, I missed the flight.

[Jay Oakerson]

I did Australia and I did South Africa. South Africa was middle flights. 26 hours, middle seats.

[Bobby Kelly]

I missed the old planes where they had the upstairs.

[Jay Oakerson]

My heaviest also.

[Bobby Kelly]

Remember the. Remember the upstairs. And they had the bar like in Wedding Singer.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Double decker.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ah, that'd be great. I was. I've never been on one of those planes. Is this the one you're thinking of? Yeah, that's it. You have your own separate bedroom and your own shower. I mean, that's. Come on, dude.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, it looks the best way to do it.

[Bobby Kelly]

2020,000. Ah, come on. But yeah, well, yeah, if we were. You're never gonna. Someone's paying that to get you there. I would never pay out of my pocket to do it. Look at that. That's royals.

[Jay Oakerson]

You gotta bring.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have to bring a girl, though. You have to fuck something. You have to have sex on that. You can't just go do that by yourself.

[Christine]

But don't think they kill her when they land.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, they'll probably kill her for being a whore. For being a harlot whore. Yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

No you don't.

[Jay Oakerson]

Here's what you do. Here's what you really balls out. You want to fucking get a zillion views on something. Make a girl do a come walk out of your Emirates fucking thing. Make her do a come walk. You blast a lot on her face. And then tell her to go ask for something from the flight attendants. Do you guys have a tissue for this load? I'm gonna go walk through all those Arabs out there real quick and go to the bathroom. Hey, boys, your eyes don't deceive you. That's load on my face. American freedom. Load.

[Bobby Kelly]

I thought when you said they kill her, I thought they. They give you a girl in that first guy and then they kill her at the end of the flight.

[Jay Oakerson]

Maybe.

[Bobby Kelly]

I thought that's what you meant. Oh, that's what you meant. Okay, that's what I thought. That'd be great if you got a chicken. If they gave you your own flight attendant. But you could. She would service you.

[Jay Oakerson]

I love your willingness to have sex With a slave. Dude, that is awesome.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's not a slave. She's getting paid.

[Jay Oakerson]

You love prostitution.

[Bobby Kelly]

I used to.

[Jay Oakerson]

I have a lot of people that say that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I used to.

[Jay Oakerson]

I know a lot of people that prefer. I think Josh brings it up a bunch too. Just like being like. Yeah, like paying for it. I'm like, I don't know, it's. I don't know why, like their disinterest in it bothers me.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's.

[Jay Oakerson]

Call me crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean prostitution was fun when you were younger and it was easy, you know, you just go do something and then you leave. You don't have to take them to the French roast for a steak and frites and listen to their hopes and dreams or.

[Jay Oakerson]

But I mean like. Yeah, but it's also like. It's such like a scuzz world and business too. Exactly. That all I would ever think about with a prostitute right now would be doing it one, for money, exclusively. Two. She's done this other times today.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And is going to do it more later. Just kind of.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's the hot part.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's what gets you off.

[Jay Oakerson]

Eat different strokes of different folks.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's. Yeah. But nowadays it's better for girls because they don't need pimps. You know, back in the day they used to have a. You have to have.

[Jay Oakerson]

They still do.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, you had to be on the streets. Nobody had like a. You know, there was street walkers. There's no more street walkers anymore because they just go on the Internet.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And you call them up and you come to the apartment, they might have.

[Jay Oakerson]

A guy still dangerous as well. You should have a guy bring you for one still. And even if you don't, then it is very, very dangerous. Again still.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

So it's not really a. No, it's not figured out. And I said I don't even think it should be illegal. But I don't know many together prostitutes where they're like, yeah, I did it for a while and now, you know, until I was able to get my architectural license. Yeah. It never happens.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I bet there's been a couple. A couple. There's been a couple.

[Jay Oakerson]

Not the prostitutes. Is a pretty tough. I'm sure it exists.

[Bobby Kelly]

I bet there's a couple buildings in New York that were done by prostitute. Some prostitute.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, the girl. When I drove strippers, I always tell the story that one, the worst stripper. Because she just didn't do anything. I mean there was girls for that company that would fuck for money. She did almost nothing. You could barely touch her at all. And she was a bachelor party delivery, bachelor party stripper.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, really?

[Jay Oakerson]

Which they're. They don't talk over the phone about what's going to happen. So most guys are like, yeah, we're getting a hooker, basically.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then when it's just a stripper, I have some explaining to do.

[Bobby Kelly]

I never liked.

[Jay Oakerson]

And she was that. And she was that. She was not a, like a hoary chick at all. And I remember I'd like, you know, hang with her because I was driving her and pick her up and stuff like that. And she was genuinely putting herself through hell. No, no. University of Pennsylvania medical school to become a doctor.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did she become a doctor?

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know her name? Let's look her up. I don't remember her name at all.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Candy with an eye with a heart over it. Dr. Candy. See if that's a thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go in. Go in and see. Play some. With a boombox and play some music. I never, I never liked the bachelor party hooker thing. When they would get a bunch of hookers and then a bunch of guys. I hate that. That energy that guys get. That Lord of Flies energy. Yeah, I hate that. It freaks me out. I don't like it when they're like, I hate it. It makes me. I mean, one on one. Prostitution, I'm fine with.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's a beautiful thing. No, it's. That is. It's the Accused. There's a scene in the Accused. It's like, how many people get behind the mob mentality of raping a defenseless woman? Like, really? The whole room came together on that. What are the odds that everybody in that room was like, oh, dude, I've been waiting for someone to break the ice on a good raping at this joint.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Who's going crazy? Can I go next? Like now what you call it's going next? Oh, nice, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's up?

[Jay Oakerson]

What's up? I'm next.

[Christine]

Don't forget the other half of the bar that was just continuing with their drinks like nothing was.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, that's right. Other people at the bar were just kind of like, dude, that's over there in the rape room. That's why I stay over. I stay over here. An old man drinking corner.

[Christine]

It was like Christine's comedy.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You feel like you're getting raped.

[Christine]

There's two scenes, there's two sides.

[Jay Oakerson]

You said it was happening to your instead of your ears. Except your pussy's being fucked instead of your ears.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, those. Those bachelor parties are Just. I've been to a couple of minutes. I was just like, this is gross.

[Jay Oakerson]

I went to one. It's so funny. I really don't remember, but I went with a girl bachelor part. It was a bachelor party for. I didn't know anybody there because I was a friend of a friend at that, which is already a dumb thing to go to, but it was one of those kind where there's, like, hookers everywhere and they have a hall. And I went in the bathroom with the hooker, and I don't think we hooked up. And I talked to her in, like, the bathroom for a while till I heard people outside the door banging on the bathroom door, you know? And she would be like, shut the fuck up. And we would, like, smoke weed or whatever. Yeah. And then. And then at one point, just hear people outside the door going, she's never that fucking. Who's that fucking guy? Who brought that guy? And I was like, yeah, we should get out of here. I go, they're about to turn on me hard.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's a. There's a big bummer. The fat guy wants to smoke butts.

[Jay Oakerson]

And just talking to her. I don't think we hooked up. We may have a bunch of fucking.

[Bobby Kelly]

Stock exchange guys want a blow job so they have to go over their wife.

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

No. Chub tits. Is it up?

[Jay Oakerson]

No. I'll tell you exactly why I fucked it up. I don't. I do remember what happened. I do remember what happened. I was going to. I was talking a lot. She was talking, too. She was having fun talking, smoking, obviously. My weed and shit. And she was maybe butts. Who knows?

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, do you like. Do you like Twinkies?

[Jay Oakerson]

I have a couple. I got a couple if you want snacks. No, I think I told her. I think I told her that I worked in this thing before. Who cares? She couldn't give a shit. I think I'm yapping to her and I'm almost giving her these. People don't realize that you're a real person. I understand that. So it's like, I'll kick it with you. Just treat you like a normal person. And then I swear to you, by the end of it, she had also, as people are knocking, she's like, do you want me to suck your dick or something? For money, basically. For money. And I was kind of like, oh, oh, I thought we were hitting it off. I think you were falling in love with me, the human being.

[Christine]

Remember?

[Jay Oakerson]

I fell in love with that stripper in a toilet.

[Christine]

So funny.

[Bobby Kelly]

You always make fun of Lewis for thinking the strippers like him.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no. Lewis fucks would fuck her and then be like, she was super into that. And in the me, I didn't do that. I did the. I try to chat her up in a way where I'm like, I'm gonna get beyond the she's everybody for money. This chick's gonna be like, well, let's hang out another time maybe. Or, you know, who knows? Like, whatever the fucking thing is gonna.

[Bobby Kelly]

Be, I'm super excited to take the hooker on a date.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

But it always has to be in the afternoon. I have work. We go to dinner. But it has to be a three.

[Jay Oakerson]

It has to be three o'. Clock.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have a gang bang at seven.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm getting suck fucked by a bunch of Japanese businessmen.

[Bobby Kelly]

At 10, guys, the hooker thinks I'm super cool. What a. The hooker's friend.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yep.

[Bobby Kelly]

It sounds like a romance comedy. You should.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, the hooker's friend. Yeah, yeah. I take away. He goes, you need to get away from all this. And she's like, dude, I'm on a time Crunch. I have 50 dicks to suck. Do you want your dick sucked? Oh, I guess my speech didn't change anything, huh?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Where I let you know you could be whatever you want. You don't have to be a fucking bathroom prostitute at a bachelor party for a guy I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, dude, I gotta make 1200 tonight to pay rent. Want to fucking speed this chat up?

[Jay Oakerson]

Hey, I'll talk to you, but you gotta pay me for that then, because I got work to do. I'll go fucking take it up the ass for cash. Or I'll talk to you. Either way, though, I need the money. I'm on the Epstein list, so I produced that show.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm in the files. At least he's in the files.

[Jay Oakerson]

You know that. Jacob, Correct? Yeah, twice.

[Christine]

Oh, twice.

[Jay Oakerson]

Two times now.

[Christine]

I found out only one. I thought once.

[Jay Oakerson]

You saw the first one where the guy wants to go to Dave Attell's Comedy Underground, and he's asking Jeffrey Epstein to go with him, and it has the lineups, and I'm on both lineups. Well, guess what? That guy really wanted to go because he sent a separate one another day asking him if maybe tonight he wants to go to the Davitel's Comedy Underground because Gilbert Gottfried's gonna be there, and that night I will be there with Kurt Metzger. So now Kurt's also implicated as well as me. Lewis.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nothing goes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Lisa Traeger. Lisa Traeger was on the Island.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nothing goes better with child pornography and comedy. Two things that go together well.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now what do you do first? Do you have sex with the kids first and then see the comedy as a palate cleanser or do you go to the comedy to get riled up for the.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think you go to the comedy and you, you have a nightcap. Want to come up for a nightcap? And by that I mean 12 year old pussy. He goes, do you have any pussy upstairs? He goes, yes. He goes, Age 12 years. You have any pussy upstairs? 1985.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, we have to decant it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I got a 1985 Italian.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's pretty wild though, man, that you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Were gonna send this other.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's a 10:30 after your dinner with Woody. Woody Allen. It's gotta be Woody Allen.

[Christine]

Pedophiles.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, it's definitely Woody Allen.

[Bobby Kelly]

Allegedly. Oh, he married his daughter. Of course he's involved in this. How did that guy get really My kid? How do you get away with marrying his daughter? He great films that people love. I mean, is that it?

[Jay Oakerson]

I'll be honest with you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Am I not talented?

[Jay Oakerson]

There's films, there's films I like. Listen, Oliver Stone should be able to a kid or says he maybe should be. If we're going by directors who should be able to kids.

[Bobby Kelly]

Quentin Tarantino with that, as many kids as he wants.

[Jay Oakerson]

What's his name? The guy that got sent out of the country?

[Bobby Kelly]

Polanski.

[Jay Oakerson]

Polanski. That guy shouldn't be allowed to kids at all. Really stupid. A bunch of go nowhere horseshit.

[Christine]

I never got into.

[Jay Oakerson]

You love Polanski?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't love him. Oscar after he. But he made a child, right? He made a couple good movies.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, here we go. Bobby loves Polanski. I don't talk to me about filming.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm not going to talk about filming.

[Jay Oakerson]

Here we go. You don't understand what's going on as the problem.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I, I understand that you were at an island kids. So who was Roman Polanski? Who.

[Jay Oakerson]

Sorry, you weren't invited.

[Bobby Kelly]

I wasn't. I really was bummed out that I'm not in it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I know I would feel the same if Lewis was on it. I wasn't like.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you never know. I mean, you. I mean you definitely did comedy underground. Seems like you wanted to see it. I did, I did. I just didn't do it as much, I guess.

[Jay Oakerson]

I guess. I guess he wasn't interested in your show. I'm sending you the other one was.

[Bobby Kelly]

Polanski, the person Tarantino was Talking about when he was like, those 13 year olds are party girls. They love it.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, they were mentioning him being with a 13 year old girl. But no, he's talking about Weinstein.

[Bobby Kelly]

Weinstein's a piece of.

[Jay Oakerson]

He goes, well, you got to see these parties. Thirteen year old party girls out in la. Shut up, Quentin.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Stop talking. Yeah, he's a idiot.

[Jay Oakerson]

So did you get. This is the other one.

[Bobby Kelly]

You emailed.

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

You texted it to me.

[Jay Oakerson]

Texted it to you. Just a picture. That's funny that you're in the twice name twice.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're getting a shirt that says, I was in the Epstein files.

[Jay Oakerson]

I got to. You have to circle my name twice. Three times. I'm listed three times. Well, two. Two different pieces of paper. My name's three times mentioned.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did they ever go.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know. I'd like to think. Yeah. I said. Someone said, like, are you worried about this at all? And I was like, worried about it. I wish that the thing said, you want to go, Jeff? You want to go see this thing? Big J's performing tonight. We love him. He's got that one joke about pedophiles. He gets us. He understands. So funny. But yeah, this guy really wanted to take Jeffrey to see Dave Attell's show.

[Christine]

I mean, respect. That's the greatest.

[Bobby Kelly]

Listen, the guy had comedy and good taste.

[Jay Oakerson]

Good taste all around, dude. I bet if he went to his house, it should be like, this is nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, so.

[Jay Oakerson]

So, yeah, second time now. Monroe Feinstein, of course. Bargazi. Oh, my Lord.

[Bobby Kelly]

Put that out there.

[Jay Oakerson]

Grammy Award winner Nate Bargassi.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let's take him down right now.

[Jay Oakerson]

Wow. Wow. Lisa Traeger. Okay, Ms. Ms. High and Mighty. I guess you're trying to make up for all those children you had sex with on Pedophile Island. I know I wasn't invited, so somebody must have went, I'm going up to the top where the email is.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is. It came through really blurry.

[Jay Oakerson]

Go up to the top.

[Bobby Kelly]

So bummed out. I'm not in this. It says, I can't believe Lisa Trager's in this and I'm not.

[Jay Oakerson]

It says, happy Birthday, Comedy plus birthday. And then it says, like, fun or something like that. And then it says. It says, Gilbert's on this lineup, too. The real Gottfried.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is this from the comedy seller?

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, he shows it's from the comedy.

[Bobby Kelly]

So everybody. Oh, no, no, no.

[Jay Oakerson]

Calm down.

[Bobby Kelly]

Email list. Let's add some tension to this. He's forwarding the email. He's forwarding the email. Okay. I want to take down Gnome, but if anybody has too much.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's easy enough. Oh, man. Live show today. I know. It's too many times live show that you're gonna tell me about when you ate shit.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah, you're gonna have to tell me.

[Jay Oakerson]

We only have a few minutes left, I think now, right? Jesus Christ. Yeah. Wow.

[Bobby Kelly]

So, so, okay, so this, that it says from coming. So that was just the email from the.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, he got the advertisement for the show, right. And then sends it to Jeffrey Epstein saying like, hey, let's go to this twice.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right?

[Jay Oakerson]

And I just happened to be on all the shows, right. So. Well, you know, but he didn't really care about seeing me, I guess.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay, don't think that they're probably going to see you.

[Jay Oakerson]

I never got invited anything I said though, I'd have been there, I'd have been on the island. I just been the one with the questions. I want I tell you, you couldn't talk me into a child, but I said I'd be the guy going like that Sushi was the best I've ever had. Now is it, is it is like tradition down here to eat it off of naked 14 year old girl? Because I don't know if that's like a thing. I don't want to make it. I don't want to make her uncomfortable. She shouldn't be doing a job.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay would be boring the 14 year olds with conversation.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Hey, you guys want to see? When I was on Premium Blend, do.

[Bobby Kelly]

You guys know what Connect4 is?

[Jay Oakerson]

I did a voice for a cartoon before. You want to hear the voice in the cartoon?

[Bobby Kelly]

You guys hear a Z Rock?

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm in Hustlers for a second. I met JLo. Want to smell my dick?

[Christine]

How long?

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, no, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I know you've had a lot. You've had a lot of sex today. No, no, I'm just trying to talk to you. No, I just want to talk to you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, hurry up. In the bathroom.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, come on. I understand her. There's a line out here, sweetheart. Yeah, I used to work in the prostitution business myself. I understand how that's what I would have done. I would have talked to her. I would have talked to the kids for a while in the circle and been like, yeah, it was like, hey, man, we're trying to these kids. I'm like, I'm talking to them, man. Anyway, dreams you can accomplish your dreams. I wanted to be a comedian. Look at me. Look at your Uncle Jay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay would have story time. And that's the monster at the end of the book.

[Jay Oakerson]

And that's the monster at the end of. I'm the monster at the end of this book. Okay, you sexy bitches go to sleep. Let me kiss you on over. Oh, pussy hair, chick. Bald, bald, bald.

[Christine]

Oh.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, Misty, I see a little bit of hair here. Okay, if we want to have breakfast tomorrow, we'll fix that in the morning. Yeah. Okay. I'm still gonna give you one of these. Okay. Okay. You're the tickly one, aren't you? Okay, guys, come on.

[Bobby Kelly]

You got a big day of getting.

[Jay Oakerson]

Butt fucked tomorrow by businessmen and politicians. What is that? Back talk, young lady? Okay, that's what I thought. Okay, we're just playing around. All right, then.

[Bobby Kelly]

Does somebody want a consequence?

[Jay Oakerson]

Almost got serious. Does somebody want to go into the scary closet? Oh, that's what I thought. Okay. Would somebody like to have sex with kings and queens?

[Christine]

No more.

[Jay Oakerson]

There you are.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is so disturbing.

[Jay Oakerson]

You love it. There you are. A little girl having sex with adults.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Whoever drains the most balls tomorrow gets chocolate milk.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's where Jay got his tummy time from when he was on Epstein Island.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I just lay there so no one could ever get to my dick because I know these children are going to be so hot for my. Guess what, guys. Hey, guys, I got some bad news. We're not going to be having sex with a bunch of politicians today. I know, I know. But there's some good news. We're all having sex with Uncle J. Y, Uncle J. Uncle J. Uncle J. These kids are crazy. Anyway, I'll see you after snack.

[Bobby Kelly]

You ever wonder how far an EV can take you on one charge?

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, most people drive about 40 miles a day. Which means you can do all daily stuff no problem.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go to work, grab the kids at.

[Jay Oakerson]

School, get the groceries and still have.

[Bobby Kelly]

Enough charge to visit your in laws in the next county. But they don't need to know that.

[Jay Oakerson]

And the best part, you won't have.

[Bobby Kelly]

To buy gas at all. The way forward is electric.

[Jay Oakerson]

Explore EVs that fit your [e-mail].

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you know that parents rank financial literacy as the number one most difficult life skill to teach? Meet Greenlight, the debit card and money app for families with Greenlight. You can set up Chores Automate Allowance and keep an eye on your kids spending with real time notifications. Kids learn to earn, save and spend wisely. And parents can rest easy knowing their kids are learning about money with guardrails in place. Sign up for Greenlight [e-mail] podcast.