Congas and Kegels

Summary

The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode Title: Congas and Kegels
Date: October 31, 2025
Hosts: Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly
Producer/Staff: Christine, DJ Lou, Jacob, Danny Braff
Channel: SiriusXM Faction Talk 103

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Episode Overview

This rambunctious episode of The Bonfire dives deep into the comedic minds of Big Jay and Bobby as they riff on everything from Latin percussion and “easy” musical instruments, to dissecting revered comedians, discussing generational shifts in stand-up, sharing raunchy personal stories, and exploring the mysterious world of “Kegel weights.” With their signature irreverence, they upend comedy’s sacred cows, celebrate the blue-collar joys of bad instruments, overshare about genital exercises, and, in classic Bonfire style, never let the conversation stray far from the gutter… or the truth.

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Key Segments & Insights

1. Conga Craze in the Studio

[00:52 - 05:40]

• Jay brings in a conga from the SiriusXM performance studio, sparking a hilarious debate over whether it’s the lamest instrument.
• Both hosts play the congas, poking fun at their “musical prowess.”
  • Jay (01:17): “Are we, as a Sirius employee, able to play with whatever the fuck we want to play with?”
  • Bobby (02:13): “I do feel that anyone can be a master of the Congo.”
• Lighthearted banter about notable Latin acts and band instruments.
• Memorable Bit:
  • Jay (03:27): “You goddamn right Sheila E. could sign me tomorrow.”
  • Bobby (05:14): “My fingers are numb.”

2. The Problem with Preachy Comedy

[05:40 - 12:25]

• Jay and Bobby air their distaste for “tell it like it is” comics and the culture of applause instead of laughs.
  • Bobby (06:08): “I don’t accept claps. I want laughs or look at me weird.”
• Bill Hicks comes under scrutiny; they clown on his posturing, wardrobe, and “pontificating” style.
  • Jay (09:08): “I have no problem with Bill Hicks. It’s the reverence people hold for him.”
  • Personal comparison to the late Patrice O’Neal — both great but limited catalogs due to early deaths.
  • Jay (09:27): “Patrice doesn’t have a catalog enough… we never really got to see what the potential was going to be.”
• Conversation pivots to legacies in comedy, reverence vs. reality, and what makes stand-ups endure.

3. Truth & Tall Tales: The Magic Thumb Story

[13:00 - 16:57]

• Bobby shares a wild story involving his producer Danny, Penn & Teller, magician thumbs, and an embarrassing backstage encounter.
• On-air confusion about who told which part of the story; Jay’s skepticism prompts a live call to Danny for fact-checking.
• Notable Exchange:
  • Jay (16:07): “Now let’s break it down.”
  • Bobby (17:02): “From now on, when I tell a story, you can just go with it.”
• Meta-commentary about radio authenticity and storytelling.

4. Old Comedy vs. New Comedy: Bob Newhart, Sinatra, & the Crooner Wars

[17:50 - 32:00]

• Jay and Bobby challenge the idea of “classics” in comedy:
  • Openly roast Richard Belzer, question why Bob Newhart or even Frank Sinatra are celebrated.
  • Jay (22:44): “How do you not put David Tell on the Mount Rushmore?”
• Listen to a Bob Newhart bit and conclude he “stinks” by modern standards.
  • Jay (28:13): “Bob Newhart stinks, dude.”
• Extended riff on crooning, Danza vs. Sinatra, karaoke-quality singing, and generational tastes.
  • Jay (31:39): “Any of us could have done that.”
• Bobby (31:29): “That doesn’t feel good?”
  • Jay mocks the over-romanticizing of bygone entertainers and acts.

5. Nick Fuentes, Virginity, and the Politics of Outfits

[35:06 - 41:13]

• The hosts mock the infamous Nick Fuentes’ style — an “aunt’s babysitting jacket” — as a reason to ignore his statements.
  • Jay (35:52): “He’s wearing a babysitter’s jacket.”
• Joking about Fuentes’ public claim of virginity and the assertion that “sex is gay.”
  • Bobby (36:55): “That’s the only way you can be racist, if you didn’t fuck yet.”
  • Jay (39:17): “Anyone who says I don’t want to have sex at all, probably gay.”
• Debate spirals into speculative (and graphic) reasons for abstinence, and how “puss would change everything.”

6. Congas, Kegels, and NSFW Anatomical Olympics

[41:39 - 63:44]
(Theme & episode title payoff)

• Spirited, explicit discussion about the female pelvic floor, childbirth, and Kegel exercises.
  • Bobby (45:08): “It was like a little thing you put between your thighs. After [my mom] had me, she kept it around. I used to play with it.”
• Discovery of kegel weights and speculation on “pussy strength competitions.”
  • Jay (49:23): “What’s your pussy bench?”
• Christine is roped in for firsthand commentary.
  • Hosts fantasize about “if they had vaginas,” musings on tightness, bench-pressing with their genitals, and more.
• Jay and Bobby’s raunchy, adolescent humor shines.
  • Jay (50:04): “Who could fill their pussy with the most stuff?”
  • Bobby (56:25): “If I had a [vagina], I’d be rubbing my fat all the time.”
• Christine (55:33): “I have no idea how tight my vagina is.”
• Spirals into big clits, “strongman” genital weights, and stories about first sexual experiences, bushes, and college-aged anatomy.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Easy Instruments:

  • Bobby (02:13): “I do feel that anyone can be a master of the Congo.”
  • Jay (03:27): “You goddamn right Sheila E. could sign me tomorrow.”

• On Bill Hicks & Comedy Idols:

  • Jay (09:08): “I have no problem with Bill Hicks. It’s the reverence people hold for him.”
  • Bobby (12:25): “Walk into the darkness, not away from it.”

• On Crooners & Legacy:

  • Jay (31:39): “Any of us could have done that.”
  • Bobby (31:29): “That doesn’t feel good?”

• On Sex & Generational Shifts:

  • Jay (39:17): “Anyone who says I don’t want to have sex at all, probably gay.”
  • Jay (51:30): “That’s a personal record in any gym. Any pussy gym you go to in this town.”

• On Female Anatomy & Humor:

  • Christine (55:33): “I have no idea how tight my vagina is.”
  • Jay (49:23): “What’s your pussy bench?”
  • Bobby (56:25): “If I had a [vagina], I’d be rubbing my fat all the time.”
  • Jay (50:04): “Who could fill their pussy with the most stuff?”

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Conga Jam & Studio Bits: [00:52–05:40]
• Comics Who Pontificate (Bill Hicks/Rant): [05:40–12:25]
• Penn & Teller Thumb Story: [13:00–16:57]
• Roasting Old Comedy (Newhart, Sinatra, Belzer): [17:50–32:00]
• Nick Fuentes, Sex, and Outfits: [35:06–41:13]
• Kegel Weights, Vagina Talk, & Explicit Anatomical Humor: [41:39–63:44]

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Tone & Takeaway

Relentlessly funny and off-the-cuff, this episode exemplifies The Bonfire’s penchant for blending crude honesty, deep-in-the-weeds comedy shop talk, and raucous “locker room” humor. Jay and Bobby gleefully stomp on sacred ground — musical legends, comedy icons, and social taboos — making it a must-listen (or must-read) for fans who love their humor raw, unpredictable, and very, very blue.

Listeners who love behind-the-scenes stories from the comedy world, as well as notorious, unfiltered conversations about sex and pop culture, will find this episode to be vintage Bonfire at its most unrepentant and hilarious.

Transcript

[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Robert Kelly]

And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, guys. Ginger alert. Ginger alert. Ginger alert.

[Bobby Kelly]

What? What? Some ginger's coming in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ginger at the door. She keeps staring at Christmas. Oh, my God. Now I've locked eyes with her. She's locked. We're soul bonded now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I know. Cong request.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is our congas?

[Bobby Kelly]

I think so. Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes, indeed.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm sorry, what? Jay?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wait a minute. Why are you not shocked that there's a conga in the studio? Why is everybody.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I requested it.

[Bobby Kelly]

When did you. Why are you requesting conga?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Because I was walking by the. The big performance studio that we walk by, and there's all these cool instruments in there. And there's all these cool instruments. And I'm like, this is serious as instruments. Like, are we, as a serious employee, able to play with whatever the fuck we want to play with? And when I came in, DJ Lou said, yeah, we just got to ask. And I was like, really?

[Bobby Kelly]

So?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then he was like, yeah, but they'll do it. I go get that conga in here.

[Bobby Kelly]

The conga is the worst.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, you like it.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, Sheila E. Come on, baby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do that conga. No, you can control yourself any long.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can you put it in between? Oh, you got two of them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. You want a conga?

[Bobby Kelly]

No. I'd like to see you play Swing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby over a Congo.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't want to do that.

[Robert Kelly]

I do feel that anyone can be a master of the Congo.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I mean, I don't like crooning. It's crooning of instruments.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's possibly the first time I've ever touched a Congo in my life. And I've already been pretty good with one hand.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, you sounded fabulous. Bobby, I bet you're a great conga player.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, my God. It has little.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude. Let's do stomp in the studio, guys. Hour and 45 minute stomp sesh. Lou, you do like a broom sweep thing. Jacob, I don't know what you do like punch the wal. We're trying to raise the dead.

[Robert Kelly]

If you would have told me you're in a. In a large Latin band, I would have said, I believe you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Of course.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't understand this instrument.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can you. Do you have any. Any Cuban jazz with the conger in it that you can play? See if we can play along to it. Buena Vista Social Club, maybe?

[Robert Kelly]

I'm telling you, Sheila E. Could sign you tomorrow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You goddamn right she could.

[Robert Kelly]

This is flawless. This is flawless conga play.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look at Bobby Jacob. Who are you you emailing the head of the Latin Grammys, Man, I could do that for two and a half hours straight.

[Robert Kelly]

I just said. I just wrote Jay orders congress for the room. Jay and Bobby play like masters.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank you. Get that to the heads over at SiriusXM.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that's too addictive.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We're being pigeon holed.

[Robert Kelly]

Big finish.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let's do a look at each other and do it.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, this is it. I wish the audience could see the conga battle going on in here.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Battle. It's just two hearts beating as one.

[Robert Kelly]

There's gonna be a lot of gay. I don't know how.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hola. Hola. Thank you.

[Robert Kelly]

It was flawless to me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank you, Jacob.

[Bobby Kelly]

My fingers are numb.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They are.

[Bobby Kelly]

I feel it in my penis.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know, dude. I feel electrified. Can we get in the fishbowl?

[Robert Kelly]

Did you guys just come off the stage from a Tito Puente concert?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Yeah, we might as well have.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, the easiest, easiest instrument I've ever played in my life.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

God, it's almost like it takes absolutely nothing except a brain and any sense of kind of rhythm.

[Bobby Kelly]

The conga stink.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Boy, was that fun.

[Robert Kelly]

I have no respect instrument of any band.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You got a Bill Hicks being a real badass telling it like it is.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know. What was.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I hate comedy. That tells you it like it is.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't you hate when they don't you hate when the crowd when you tell a joke and they applause and I'm like, stop it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't want anyone to tell me like it is.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was at the cell last night. Somebody was on before me doing applause. They were getting clapped and.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And were they telling it like it is?

[Bobby Kelly]

They were telling it like it is. And finally. And then I got up and I went right into my disgusting. And then at one point they applaud and I go, stop it. I don't accept claps. I want laughs or look at me weird.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that's it. Fucking strange face, man.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't want you to let me know I made a point to you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, hang on, here we go. Bill Hicks. Usually he's letting us know what's up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well. Oh, comedy dynamics. Those guys are good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine, can you stop for a second? Can you bring up Bill Hicks? Not Joe derosa. Yeah, build up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, Bobby, Bobby, this is. Look at the screen. It is Bill Hicks.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know. This is also Joe DeRosa. There's 100%. Joe is like, is there a point to all this, dude?

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

Is there a point?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was playing along too. I was saying, like, I know it doesn't sound like it's Joe DeRosa, but it's not Bill Hicks.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll take my glasses off.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do that again from the beginning. Yeah, okay. No, no, Bobby, that's not the. Rosie, you gotta look at the screen. It's Bill Hicks.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You thought it was Joe the Rose.

[Bobby Kelly]

I did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Because he rambles on.

[Bobby Kelly]

Joe really, really wants to make a point with his comedy. Like it's music.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I have no point. I have no point to my comedy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have nothing. I'll do an old joke. If it saves my fucking set, I'll fucking bring that marshmallow monster back out. Oh, could you imagine wearing a cowboy hat?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, I could imagine it. I'm not enough of a jerk off to do it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Here's the thing, though. It's not a cowboy hat. It's just one of those walking in the woods hats.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's an adventurer hat.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, exactly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The worst.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's the rich white guy. Got it at the airport. Cowboy hat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God. He put a fucking duster on to do this. I mean, he put a dust. The beginning of this joke is him putting a duster and hat back on. Go on.

[Bobby Kelly]

This makes me sad because Bill Hicks thinks. Yeah, I didn't know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He had no idea. Right? You just sat there and believed everybody when they said he was great.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I'll tell you this, this joke might have a big payoff.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They say your boy always gets called out for fucking, like, steal. Stealing. Bill Hicks. No, Leary.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, sorry.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Leary gets called out for that. Dennis Leary's no cure for cancer. Made me laugh 7,000 times harder than Bill Hicks ever made me laugh.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, because he's a stand up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, yeah, but he also wasn't pontificating to me. Really.

[Bobby Kelly]

The word pontification.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, I don't know if you remember, Dennis Leary used to have a bit where he would floss his nose. He would snort. He would snort dental floss and get it out of his throat and then do this.

[Bobby Kelly]

He did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that was his closing bit. Mike. Becky own used to talk to a fucking paper bag puppet. Listen, I used to get naked. Everybody did stuff.

[Bobby Kelly]

I fucked a stool.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But this being regarded at this also young in his career. Technically he died at like 33 or something. Right? He died young, so. Or 31, maybe even so. It's like he never got a chance to develop. That's why I don't have no problem with Bill Hicks. It's the reverence people hold for him.

[Bobby Kelly]

I feel the same way about Patrice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, Patrice. Patrice got the 41. No, but I said Patrice. Patrice was a classically like.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I'm kidding.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no, no. I thought about this recently. Will always be considered a classically great comedian. But Patrice doesn't have a catalog enough.

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

To really be like. We never got really. To see, like, what the potential was going to be other than he was great. He was a great comic. But like, exactly, like, imagine like his more life experience and what it would. He died at 41.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he would have been. He probably would have. Probably one of the best. If he was still alive right now, he'd probably be one of the best comics out there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Of course. Yeah, undoubtedly. No, no, that's what I'm saying. But like, he also died young enough that, like, he was a phenomenal comic.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But never got to, like, realize it all. Like, how big. On a bigger scale.

[Bobby Kelly]

They should do a benefit for him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They do. We should.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, they do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm thinking about that. Oh, I think there already is one.

[Bobby Kelly]

We should start aside. Patrice benefit smaller.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A much smaller one.

[Bobby Kelly]

Big jokerson and Bobby's at the stand once a year.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, he's a satirist. Oh, that's the difference. I'm just a stupid comic.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

I didn't realize he had cancer. I assumed it was like alcoholism.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, really? No, no, no. He know he got cancer. He didn't tell anybody either. He like, kind of like went down. Like, you can start to be able to tell by the end. I think he got really sickly looking. Like I said, it's not even a dig on Hicks as much as a dig on the people who upset like that worship his thing. I'm like he was fine.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think though, at the time, though, his comedy was so different than. Well, because if you look right, that was like evening at the Improv, all those fucking corny set up, punch, tag TV nerds that were getting big. And then this guy came out and pontificated for 10 minutes and then trashed Jay Leno and talked about blowing people's brains on the back and making the, you know, the peacock sign with his skull, his brains and shit like that. I think back then it was probably a little more edgy than we're giving it now compared to what we do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm not saying it wasn't edgy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, back then you couldn't, you couldn't fucking talk about a chick's pussy on stage.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it's like the young Schultz thing. It's like Schultz, since he's been like 25, has talked like he's seen it all. Do you know? I mean, like that kind of thing. And now Schultz is getting older and has seen a bunch. Do you know? I'm saying you're watching him mature in that regard. Like, Bill Hicks never got that. He was giving you like all of his 20s of like. And here's how the world works, motherfucker. Shut the fuck up. Bill Hicks. You.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I hear the end of that joke? I want to see if there's a payoff, how big the payoff is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How old are you? 33. Am I right? 33.

[Bobby Kelly]

Doesn't he look like Steve Jobs? A little bit. He has that same hair.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

William Melvin Hicks.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, what a dumb hat. Why would you wear that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Because he was buying his hype that he's the badass. He's the guy who's gonna say he's gonna go there.

[Bobby Kelly]

The last thing I would want to do is be that hot on stage.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's holding his fucking. Dude. This is his fucking. This is his fucking sledgehammer, man. This is his caution tape over his face. I don't know why. I hate the glorification of comedy, anything like that. Take your spiritual journey.

[Bobby Kelly]

Walk into the darkness, not away from it.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I, I always had a. I couldn't ever understand the comics that, that did. Like, characters that had to stay in them all the time. Like the guy Teller show on this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Station with one for fucking eight years.

[Robert Kelly]

Teller for one. He can't talk anywhere.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know.

[Robert Kelly]

What is that?

[Bobby Kelly]

What a.

[Robert Kelly]

Like to go through life. You can't. You. You have to be the one who can't talk anywhere.

[Bobby Kelly]

What a great gig just to sit here.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We saw him On a plane, though. And he did. He did talk.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he talks in life. Danny. Danny met both of them. Danny actually was. You know, Danny, my. My producer. He did magic most of his life before he got into stand up. And he has a collection of thumbs, magician thumbs. And he went to Penn and Teller with his mom, and they got him backstage to get one of. What's the big one? Teller, or is that Pen? That's Pen Penn's thumb. He wanted Penn's thumb because that's the trick they use, fake thumbs. And Teller was like, yeah, yeah, come on back. And he knocked on the door, and he knocked and he just opened it, and Teller. Penn was just sitting there with his fucking schlong out. He was just naked and just ruined Danny's life. I just want a thumb.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did he get his thumb?

[Bobby Kelly]

He got his thumb. I don't know how he got it. He's lying, but he got it. He's got a thumb.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's lying about the thumb? Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why is that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Everything in this? I'll either believe he just got the thumb or he saw Penn's dick. Do you get what I'm saying? No, the story's too. It's too big. It's too much going on here.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to let that get the thumb. Can you do me a favor? When Jay doesn't believe his story, can you just get done. Done the.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Law and order.

[Bobby Kelly]

Law and order, yeah. Get that. When Jay starts his investigations of stories.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

How old was he? He was with his mom, and the guy's dick was out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, let me call. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just. You know, Bobby, 10 minutes ago, you told me that this guy was on a podcast saying he's never, ever heard.

[Bobby Kelly]

She didn't bring up the podcast, Hedberg. She didn't bring up. He didn't say never heard. He says, I'm not. I. I don't. I'm not familiar with him. Danny. Danny. Oh, there you are. Hey, Danny, can you tell your. How you got your Pentella? Some thing.

[Danny Braff]

Oh, is this on the podcast?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you're on the Bonfire. It's a radio show. Sirius XM103 radio program. It's a program.

[Danny Braff]

Big fan of both of you guys.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I.

[Danny Braff]

When I was a kid, I was, like, 13, my parents brought me to see Penn and Teller in Vegas, and I used to collect these plastic thumbs which magicians use. I'd have famous magicians sign their plastic thumbs. And after the show, I talked to Taylor and asked him if he had one. And he goes backstage. I have one backstage. So he brings me backstage. He goes in his dressing. He gets me his plastic thumb, and he signs it. And I go, do you think Penn might have one as well? And he goes, I. I highly doubt he has one with him, but he could probably sign mine. I go, that'd be great. So Teller goes to knock on Penn's door. He knocks on Pen's door. Penn goes, who is it? Teller goes, it's stellar. He goes, come in. He opens up the door. Pen's naked for. So just have Penn naked for like, a quarter of a second.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did he have a big piece?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes. For sure?

[Danny Braff]

I think so. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay. And Will you. Were you with your mother?

[Danny Braff]

My mother was not backstage, but yes, she was there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay. All right, thanks, buddy. Bye.

[Danny Braff]

Okay, bye.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now let's break it down.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, we have to break it down, but it is the basic true story. He just didn't get his. So you were right that he didn't get what's his name's thumb, but he asked for what's his name. Some. But he did get a thumb.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Gotcha.

[Bobby Kelly]

And Pat Teller's thumb. And they both signed it.

[Robert Kelly]

They just have, like, extra thumbs.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did he sign it? Did Penn sign it? You don't call back, because if he did, I believe it. Anyway, I'm saying, like, it was to me, it was the door opens, he saw Penn's dick.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then got. And then also still got his fucking thumb.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he got his thumb.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, he got not. What happened?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, basically what happened? I mean, I'm not gonna. I don't really listen to Danny closely.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's fair enough.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't. You know what I mean? Hey, did he sign thumb, too?

[Danny Braff]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay. There you go. Thanks, Danny. Boom.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Boom, solved.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, There you go.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Got to the bottom of it now.

[Bobby Kelly]

From now on, when I tell a story, you can just go with it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just believe you blindly on everything you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Say or just go with it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's not really a good radio show.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was a real fun story. We could have went with it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sorry, dude. You know what? I'm not really feeling in the funny mood. I'm feeling very hicksy right now. End of that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I gotta fucking. I gotta. I gotta have people on call on every story I tell. Because you're like, that didn't happen. I want an apology.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It wasn't even your story.

[Bobby Kelly]

But it was a story.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You told it wrong.

[Bobby Kelly]

I did. Did I tell it wrong? Christine? Well, don't be afraid. He's not gonna hit you.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

What I gathered from Danny was that Teller just said you don't know that. Who's that? He said who? He goes, penn goes, who's at the door? And he says, teller. Not teller. And this 13 year old kid we don't know. So I'm like, does Pen just routinely. Is he just routinely naked around Teller when it's just Teller?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think you also say he was a little kid, which made it seem even more salacious.

[Bobby Kelly]

Thirteen's little. That's Max's age.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know. You're like, you gave Max's own apartment.

[Bobby Kelly]

Max has got a big penis.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You love talking about it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm just saying.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bigger than Danny Braff's.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, but the point was, I mean, the story was basically there. I can't tell it the way he told it.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

But he thought Danny was a liar. That's the. That's what it was.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

He thought I was a liar?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

He thought Danny was a liar.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How is that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, he thought Danny was a liar, but Danny was not lying.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Danny. Danny wasn't lying. You told Danny's story wrong a little bit. And then Danny fixed it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Not that much.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Enough to make it make more sense.

[Bobby Kelly]

Not enough to investigate.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, I thought it was a fun little quip we had here on the show.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think it's still fun.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We got nothing but time. I thought we got nothing but time.

[Bobby Kelly]

I thought we were still gonna go with it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think I need Bill Hicks to bring it home. Belzer. Oh, Christ. Belzer might be top three worst comedians I've ever seen in my life. I've seen him live in person. Iva. What? His. His HBO Young Comedian special. He hosts. They did one year HBO Young Comic Special. They did four cities. It was like New York, San Fran, maybe Texas and somewhere else. Yeah, Los Angeles, I guess. But he hosted New York at the Comic Strip Live. And his shitty routine. Do you remember we talked about this in the show years ago? His shitty routine is. He keeps going. He's like, oh, but I kid. God, you know? Oh, he just like, does, like fakes, like heart attacks over and over again. Did he suck shit? But so hard I can. I threw a straw.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I defend it a little bit, do you think? Hang on. Do you. Shut up, Jacob. Let me just take devil's advocate side for a second. Do you think that comedy at that time, that was like, great, you know, because if you go back to like back in the day, you know, comedy was way like, you know, a red skeleton was hilarious. But I don't think he's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know what you're saying, yeah, people didn't know any better. Yeah, people like a Shecky Green dominates the world. But yeah, sure, things change. And tastes can change for sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like comedy evolved into a more real, real that people started talking about real things and being themselves on stage.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Something you. Something. Hitting the guts, though, is very, very different. I mean, like somebody really hitting you in the guts with funny.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And that didn't start happening until like kind of the people of the real well say like Prior. I'm not even a Prior fan, but like he was definitely like a hit you in the gut.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, there was always two levels of coffee funny. There was the greats, like, you know, prior, and then there was this level which was TV comedy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. I mean, even Carlin long things, but like hit you in the guts ultimately. And I was never a huge Carlin guy, but I thought he's great, you know, I mean, I can't argue he's not great. Same with Prior. It was never like my favorite guy but like, great. How do you argue he's great.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That becomes where age becomes more of a thing. I would say Eddie Murphy was a funnier stand up than Richard Pryor, which people go, but it's the Kobe Jordan argument. You know what I mean? I know one doesn't exist without the other. It was just my age coming into it. Eddie Murphy's thing just hit me more. It hit me too, but just hit me more. But Richard Pryor's like Richard Pryor. If there's no Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy's not even a thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's guys I came up with who I thought were, oh my God, funny. Like I be touring or opening for them or whatever. No, no, no. And like, you were blown.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You said you were. You told me off air before. You've been blown away with his talent ever since the day you met him.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have been.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think Dane Cook is one of the most talented comedians out there. I really do. But I. Those comics that I used, the older guys, you know, the guys that I came up with from Boston who were hilarious, like, oh my God, would murder. But as comedy evolved, their comedy kind of went like. And then I go back and I'll like do a show and they'll do a show. I had a guy come up and do a set. I was like, dude, come down. He was at somewhere near me and I said, come on. He jumped on and he fucking ate his dick.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

In front of my crowd. Ate his dick for like 10 minutes. And I was like, oh, shit, this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's a guy was a killer at.

[Bobby Kelly]

One point, I would say, not like a Steve Sweeney killer like those guys.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But yes, it's the. Listen, it's. Why. How do you not put David Tell on like, the Mount Rushmore once again? He's been around for all these people. Yeah, everyone, we're talking Bill Hicks. He's been around for all these people and sustains an audience because he evolves with it. Not that he evolves the way he does comedy. It's like his subject matter, where they're at now. Like, you know, I mean, like, knowing the vernacular, knowing what's going on. You know what I mean? Having some, like, opinions and not going heavy political, just making a silly joke about it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know what I mean? It's really impressive to be able to do that because this stuff gets that the Bill Hicks shit's dated as fuck.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's. I really didn't realize how fucking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Preachy he was.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I've always been like. When people always, like, show by Bill Hicks, I go, I don't know, man. I don't get it. People also say Bob Newhart was fucking fantastic. Bob Newhart.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bob Newhart was funny.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I never checked. I never took the time to check.

[Bobby Kelly]

Was it the invention of tobacco? That was a great bit. I thought that was a great bit. That was one of his first bits.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I used to think.

[Bobby Kelly]

But I mean, he's not funny funny. He's not like, you're not gonna go, oh, my God, buckle over, laugh. But I can appreciate Bob Newhart's bit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's the guy? Sure, yeah, I get that. But I mean, like, what's Larry Miller? Remember Larry Miller? He had kind of like the bad skin, cheeks, kind of a balding guy. He did a lot of movies, too. But his style.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, no. Yeah, he was in a lot of movies.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He used to have a bit that. I mean, like, if I as now doing comedy. If you saw someone, especially of his age when he did it, doing this bit, you'd be like, I guess, can you play? It was about him doing the. It's the drinking, waking up and being drunk and the little devils on the thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it was a 1980s comic, like the TV guy, which. On TV. Because if you see something in a movie, like TV, back in the day, there was a. There was a. Like, there was TV actors, movie actors. It was separated because on TV you never saw it. You didn't see anything. You didn't hear anything. So when you went to a movie and heard somebody say fuck or whatever or hbo. You're like, oh my God. But if you watch TV and you see a guy do a joke, it's. It's a little more your. Your psychology has changed a little bit when you're watching tv. Can we hear a little? Because I might hate Bob Newhart too. Let's listen to this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This isn't Stand Up. This isn't Stand Up.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is Stand Up. This is his Stand up album. He was. He won. He beat, I believe Frank Sinatra for a Grammy. This album won a Grammy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He.

[Bobby Kelly]

He actually was one of the first comic.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Frank Sinatra.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, dude. He was up, I guess.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And what category was it?

[Bobby Kelly]

Bring it up. I forget what it was in. It was album of the year or some shit like that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Lou, how do you not gung go? That was your moment.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, dude, that was it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was looking it up. No, look, I wish you would have it handy. So Bobby, I notice when I have a question, it will soften the blow more if we all get to laugh at the thing. Because I know when I ask a question. That's what I was waiting for. I asked. I see Bobby like he comes out of whatever he's doing and looks at me, he beams it at me to go. I'm sorry.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no. I love when you do it. It's our bit now. Ready?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Didn't. Resin.

[Bobby Kelly]

There you go. What? Christine, did you find it?

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

Yep. You're right. It was album of the year. It was a first time comedy one album of the year, dude. It beat out Sinatra.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did it happen again ever?

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Maybe comedy album. A comedy being the album of the year.

[Bobby Kelly]

This. This bit. This bit right here. And I believe he. He did it on a. He used to do it. Call him radio show or something. And he did it on an album. And this album went so ballistic. He was doing arenas. He would go into an arena and not like probably the Garden or whatever. I don't know what arena.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But he would do for big theaters.

[Bobby Kelly]

One of the. No, in the ramp.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bigger things.

[Bobby Kelly]

He would go in and do this bit. His album live. He was like one of the first guys to tour and make that much.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Money because they love the album. He would tour it and after the album came out, like they want to see him do the album.

[Bobby Kelly]

When he get. When he won. When he won and he wasn't really a stand up. Stand up. He would just do these bits rather.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Than large scale theaters. Oh no.

[Danny Braff]

He'S.

[Bobby Kelly]

But I don't know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He just feels terrible reading something. Just like the Mitch Hedberg thing. It contradicts Everything you said.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, look, look, look, look. The theaters. He would back then, dude. For a comic to play. No, this is his dates.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, those are places he's played. But he's saying it says he toured various venues throughout his decades long career. But primarily primary performances were nightclubs, casinos. No, but concerts.

[Bobby Kelly]

Concert venues. It says it right there. He would play concert where. Where a band or Frank Sinatra would play. He played in front of that many people. It wasn't like the Garden. It wasn't like, like that like type of thing. But he would go in and comics played clubs back then, you know what I mean? They really weren't.

[Robert Kelly]

Mel Brooks and the Carl Reiner did that. They toured with the 2000 year old man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, dude. Which I love. I did love that he would go.

[Bobby Kelly]

Out by himself and do this album in front of thousands of people. Like he was one of the first comics to tour like that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And it's just talking thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Listen to it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Put on that tobacco.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. I mean it's not gonna buckle you over. But I.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did you feel bad? You show?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no. I just don't want to not like it now because I've always loved Bob Newhart.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I read it, might hate it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I've read his book and it was great. And he was friends with Don Rickles. They were like. I love the.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Listen again.

[Bobby Kelly]

The.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All these people have to be part of the evolution of something.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. This back then was. Oh my God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like this was kill people hit play.

[Robert Kelly]

Dear God, make this end.

[Bobby Kelly]

Listen, listen, dude, we found. I found out too.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh my God, there's so much left of it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bob Newhart stinks, dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Holy.

[Robert Kelly]

He did theater.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh my God.

[Bobby Kelly]

Album of the year. Album of the year over Frank Sinatra.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, he sucks too.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nat King Cole, Lou.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nat King Cole may have been good.

[Bobby Kelly]

They were great. Frank Sinatra was great at the time. It wasn't back in the day. It was.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, he just. No one else did it. If anyone else tried, they could have also been Frank Sinatra.

[Bobby Kelly]

Frank Sinatra is the man. Don't even.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

With Frank Sinatra? No. Everyone who's attached to him in the mafia is dead. Bobby, it's okay. You don't say that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay. He's terrible. No, I love Frank Sinatra.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really? Why? Because you could sing just like him.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, that is one of the things where I love Journey and I love Frank Sinatra. No, I like Frank Sinatra. I grew up with Frank Sinatra. You can't not like. You know. It's just the. You know the stuff I grew up with my Stepdad Larry, when he came in, used to play it all the time and got me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

My grandfather loved Frank Sinatra. But, man, is it stupid, shitty music.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love it. I don't mind it. I love it. You say.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Anything. Doing a radio show with my pals. How do you do?

[Bobby Kelly]

Kumio used to say it sucked too. All the time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's right.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know, but I like it. I like it. What are you gonna do?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But Bob Newhart, in other words, Please be true.

[Bobby Kelly]

Try to sing it real, though.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I did.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, sorry. Try to sing it for real. I want to hear your voice. Your crooner voice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I just did it.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, do it again. I want to hear a little bit we're giving you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let's get one of the songs going.

[Robert Kelly]

But this is what Tony Danza is doing now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's horseshit.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but he's not. Sinatra is way better than Tony Danza.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's not.

[Robert Kelly]

He's making a living doing crooning.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They are equally talented at crooning.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're out of your mind.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

On my life.

[Bobby Kelly]

No way.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And can I tell you something? I'm gonna throw another monkey wrench in the works.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't do it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You are also as talented as both of them at crooning.

[Bobby Kelly]

Thank you. Really?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I can get you a gig in an Italian restaurant on a Saturday night in an instant. And let me know you can make that happen. Wayne Raider, make it happen.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll do it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Will it really?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll do it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

You say either, I say either. You say neither. No. This is my style.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're talking to music.

[Bobby Kelly]

I like my style. Jay. Look at him. He's great. He's the fucking. He's the best. Look at him. Let me hear him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

My case of which I'm certain Feel it Lived life that's full I've traveled each and every highway what's more Much more than this I did it my way.

[Bobby Kelly]

I ate it up and spit it out I faced it all and stood tall and did it my.

[Robert Kelly]

Way Come on.

[Bobby Kelly]

You can't feel that. That doesn't feel good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, you did so. You did great. And this almost my point is, any of us could have done that. We could all go get a fucking mo haircut and talk into a microphone. It's stupid.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're ruining all the people that I love. Bob Newhart Stakes. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Old stuff sucks.

[Bobby Kelly]

It does.

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[Commercial Announcer / Nikki and Bri]

Everyone, it's Nikki and Bri and we're here to let you know that we have a podcast, the Nikki and Bri Show. Yes, and we've got new episodes every Monday and Thursday. We're serving up real deal conversations that go beyond the cameras. Think Motherhood Confessions, Sisterhood Vibes, Boss Business Energy and tv. Need a laugh? We got you craving Inspo. We got inspiration and affirmations on deck. Want a little cry or a big Heck, yes. That's our jam. Whether we're breaking down pop culture, sharing parenting wins or fails, unpacking personal growth, or just riffing on everyday chaos, nothing is off limits. Plus, we welcome incredible guests, play our favorite games, and do what only sisters can. Keep it 100 while raising a glass together. So pop a bottle, hit play, and come hang with us. Listen to the Nicki and Brie show, wherever you get your podcast.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know what really made me laugh, by the way? The picture. That Nick Fuentes kid that everyone hates. I guess he's like, a racist, so. So I'm told. But Dave Smith interviewed him, and the picture they have in the thumbnail. Nick Fuentes is wearing the jacket of, like, a. Like, your Aunt Ruth who would drive everybody to the fucking store together. It's like a she's. He's wearing a babysitter's jacket. If you have to see it, it's so great. It's like acid wash denim, puffy, real elastic sleeves. Yeah, maybe it's not the thumb. That's just a picture. Maybe it's on Dave's Instagram or something. But it's really fucking fun. I mean, you can see the jacket. It's ridiculous, Right? There should be a. You should have a T shirt with Tweety Bird on and underneath it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you should be teaching an art class to old people.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why would you get upset at anything this guy says? The way he dresses. Show me no more than the way he dresses, and I'll tell you why. I don't have to listen.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, my God. That's a. That's an old jacket.

[Robert Kelly]

That's acid wash. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Acid wash. That's it.

[Robert Kelly]

I think I had denim. It always sucked.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Of course you did. Your mom had one for sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

I had one. I had a. Remember guess with the upside down question mark.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Of course.

[Bobby Kelly]

I had one of those with that on the back.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hell, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, that is such an ugly, dumb jacket.

[Bobby Kelly]

They don't make those, though. He had to get that at, like, a vintage store.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, he has it because it's warm. It's like a real functional coat. Cool.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

Thing is, like, he's disinterested in sex. So nice. Just like, not trying to get laid.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I bet he gets a lot done, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sounds like me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what. If you're not trying to get, you wear that stupid jacket, I guess.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

Not his whole thing. I don't know much about him, but I know that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know anything about it.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

I know he's a virgin.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I know. Yeah, he's a virgin. And. And people say. I keep hearing he's a racist. I haven't done anything.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

A racist virgin.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's a racist virgin.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's the only way you can be racist if you didn't fuck yet.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Liked by Gomez. Liked by Luis J. Gomez.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did he like it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I like the outfit.

[Bobby Kelly]

He likes Dave.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We all like Dave.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love Dave.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We all love Dave.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love his. His vernacular.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

Dave doesn't dress like that.

[Bobby Kelly]

He dresses plain.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, but. But basic Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

Basic. Nice. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's definitely not wearing a fucking old lady's dungaree jacket. That was fucking crazy. That's somebody. That's the jacket for somebody who drives a station wagon. It's a fucking Clark Griswold.

[Bobby Kelly]

He really does.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know his thing. He looks pretty serious over there.

[Robert Kelly]

Is he purposely not? He wants to get laid or he doesn't want to get laid?

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

No, I don't know.

[Robert Kelly]

Look it up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look up Nick Fuentes, virgin.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

He joked about, like, it's him joking. Like, I think the liberal articles wrote it as, like, fact, where he's saying that it's, like, actually gay to sleep with women.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't think I heard that. I heard the thing where they asked him about sleeping with a woman and he, like, has some response. It's like, yeah, no, that's stupid.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just sleep with a woman.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Pussy's gross.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is it a religious thing where he's waiting to get married to have children?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

My guess would be it's his face and jacket.

[Robert Kelly]

How old is he?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

20 something, maybe. 20 something.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

I'm talking about.

[Bobby Kelly]

What is it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is him saying this.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

No, this is the Philadelphia Gay News.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, nice about him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, I mean, literally nothing.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

This is the. What I was.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You should not seek sex because if you seek sex, you will become gay because sex is a gay act. He said on his program late last month, it's totally gay. It's not clear to me if he's talking about men seeking sex with women, which is not gay, or men seeking sex with men. Definitely gay, but I guess that doesn't matter. I gotta tell you what? The reporting on this magazine, on this newspaper is cracking. It's great. They. This is a stupid article. I want to hear Nick Fuentes say that sex is gay.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

I know.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Totally gay.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not gay. It's just taxing sex.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, no, I mean, maybe he doesn't want to say. My guess would be he's gay. Anyone who's I don't want to have sex at all, probably gay, and doesn't want to say I'm gay. So they just go, I don't like doing anything.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you probably can't be gay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He hates pussy so much, he can't even just get through it to make people think he's not gay. He'd rather say I'm a fucking dildo who never got pussy. Ever think that?

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

So this says Nick Fuentes explains why he chooses to remain a virgin. But it's a long clip.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's got to be.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Aren't these comedians, these kids?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I don't think so. I think they're awesome. They're Republican dudes.

[Robert Kelly]

They're the ones that play all the. The clips I watch now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The Black Fatigue.

[Robert Kelly]

Black fatigue.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[Robert Kelly]

Sha' Carri Richardson apparently just got arrested. They watched her video in the airport for beating the. Out of her boyfriend walking down the. The airport. In the airport.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's a runner, right?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. She's possibly the fastest woman alive.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't give a. Yeah, stop saying to me like I was an. For not knowing it's a.

[Robert Kelly]

And she got arrested at the airport for pushing her boyfriend around.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I like that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sorry I snapped.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob knows all female athletes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Female athletes, what they do and their stats.

[Robert Kelly]

Come on Trinity.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That was like watching a horse race. The straightest thing you can do is to never have sex, he says. And everyone knows that's true. Damn, so straight. I don't even like pussy or dick. That's a weird way to take it.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's a weird thing to say.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It doesn't make sense too. With these guys, a lot. Hell is Nick Fuentes. They gotta take a different tool. What we just said about Bill Hicks, like, applies the same way. You're getting Nick Fuentes saying young, stupid, like, you know what I mean? While he's like, now listen, he might feel this way when he gets older too, but, like, odds are his perspectives on things will change.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Once he gets some puss and he gets. I mean, puss would change everything.

[Bobby Kelly]

Push changes at all.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, what if he's like, open the borders, dog. More puss for this guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Put you. You put your dry dick and you break that seal. That first push in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Once you get the stink. Once you get a little stink, that first.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ow, ow. And then. Oh, God. Warm cake. Oh, God. Oh, God. That would change it all.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Getting him some. It would. What if he did it Was just like, I don't like it.

[Bobby Kelly]

He just stuck it in. Didn't like it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's like, no, no, it didn't feel that good actually.

[Bobby Kelly]

Knew with the wrong puss could get punk.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But could you get Bunk as your first one? Yeah. Does that happen?

[Bobby Kelly]

Sure. You get an old broad with a couple kids put it in there, you're.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like, you think it was still. It wouldn't feel good even.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know, it might not. It's not gonna feel. You know, having sex with a girl around your age is pretty good. Hopefully she hasn't had a lot of in her. You know what I mean? Hopefully it's not.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, but I mean, your age, if you're losing your virginity, let's assume you're somewhere between teens and twenties, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, there's a difference between. Fuck you. A 38 year old woman for your first time is gonna be different than fucking an 18 year old. 18 year old pussy is nice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean if you're getting heard, if you're getting like aggressively gang banged from the time you're like 18 years old in your 30s, you may have a pussy that's a little loosened out.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I think, but don't like some.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But that's not, I mean, you have to be like getting 12 man, giant cock, gang bangs every day. I don't think. Well, you could think that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Have a kid. You have a kid come out of your pussy. That kind of messes things up a little bit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Doesn't though. Really?

[Bobby Kelly]

A little bit. You got to do some kegels when you're done to get that sucker back to where it was. You can't just leave it, leave it the way it is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, I don't know how many mothers, I don't know how many mothers I've had sex with, but I don't recall ever thinking that one had a, like, I mean, Carla, I guess.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Was that, was that the same after or a little.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know if we ever again. No, no. I don't recall anything being like where I was like, oh, this is different than before. But in fairness also, she got pregnant eight seconds into our relationship. She is Hispanic. She did tell me. She told me, she told me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I think everybody vaginas are different too though. I, I had sex with a, like, you ever have sex with a girl and you're like, oh my God, this is the best I've ever had. Like my dick was made for her pussy. There's been a couple girls where it's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like I just want to just look at Christine and say that. I've never felt that in my life. You know, I mean, like, perfect pussy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like, there's been a couple girls that I've had sex with that I. There's one girl. I said, I love you. I was like, I love you. Our first time having sex, I was like, I love you. She's like, I love you, too. And it just made it even tighter.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I've also had pussies, though, that feel that are so tight that it's kind of like. I don't like, it feels like there's almost like a ring.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Grabbing your wings. A weird spot.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's a lollipop ring on her finger, you weirdo.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But, like, you know, I've also. It's like. It's not that it's too tight is the wrong word. It's like. It's like a skinny pussy.

[Bobby Kelly]

It feels like I've never had a tight. Like a tight, tight pussy where it hurt going in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it's not that it hurts going in. It's like, too tight. It's like, not too tight's the wrong word because it feels fine, but it's like. It's more like. It's more friction than that. Almost like it was maybe, like, tight, but also dryish inside. You know what I mean? Like, it wasn't a problem going in. But, Lou, I feel like you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like a weird grip.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Like, it's gripping weird.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I've had sex with a bunch of different pregnant ladies after their children, and the consensus is my shit's so rearranged down there, I'll never be the same. Yeah. Yeah. It's a little. It's a. Not that it's bad. I mean, Dawn's, after she had Max, was fine, but it wasn't. Wasn't what it was. You know, it wasn't what it was. It was. It was good. It was good. I mean, it's not sexy. I mean, it's good. I mean, but girls, you can do. They used to have a Kegel machine. You ever see one of those?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

You put it between your thighs and you squint your legs together, and it's supposed to make your. Your puss go back together.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're thinking of the Thigh master.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it's called the Keegan Doctor. It's a Kegel. It's a Kegel thing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I thought that was, like, where you put, like. Like, balls in your. And try to hold it in.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

The weight.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. The weights.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I think it's Pussy weights. I remember my mom had it back in the day. It was like a little thing you put between your thighs. After she had me, she was. She kept it around. I used to play with it.

[Robert Kelly]

What is it, like a rubber? Like a. Yeah, like a thigh bend in.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, like a thigh master.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you can get this. It looks like it's. What's it. What the hell does this do? This is like breathe, right? Strips for your pussy.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, that's. I think that for a neck. What is that? Regain control. Regain confidence.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. It takes your Provides pelvic floor therapy for the root cause of bladder leaks, because leaking shouldn't be your norm. One in three women leak. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

After you have a baby, you. I made dawn literally piss in her slippers after she had Max. The first week we were home, and I was cleaning as this really happened. We were cleaning. I had to clean. I had to do the diaper, and I didn't like the shit, and I pulled it down, and I was like, it's pee. I was like, it's pee, bitch. And I was so excited. Right then he puked projectile vomited onto my tits. And then he. Diarrhea laser shot across the room. And then I went. I literally went, oh. And he pissed in my mouth.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

And dawn laughed so hard, she pissed her pants. Pissed right in her pants.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You guys should have filmed this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I thought you're gonna question.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's crazy. Oh, great. There's a Ms. Black out there. Once his con goes back.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Women after they have a baby, they can't hold their. Their peas in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

They got to do the Kegels. Did you type in Kegel exercises?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But what is this Nick Fuentes thing? Here you have up.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

That's him talking about. That's the whole, like, sex. Yeah. Sex is gay thing. And then this is him being asked about being a version on this show.

[Robert Kelly]

This.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, these brothers ain't gonna take nice to that. They go, you ain't never slapped them skins?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it's an old one type in 19. 1970.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Bobby Kelly]

Kegel machine.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a little different.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is that doctor dildoing you?

[Bobby Kelly]

It was made out of mahogany and steel.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What a great time to be a doctor when people were so stupid. You can go, your wife's having a hard time sleeping. Send her to me. I'll masturbate her. And he would go, thank you. Thank you, doctor.

[Bobby Kelly]

Thank you, sir.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Send her over to me. I got this machine. I'll masturbate her, and I'll send Her back home you shall be ship.

[Robert Kelly]

Sh.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna finger fuck her in a rocking chair on a porch up in Catskills.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yo, you're a good friend. You know, they free of charge, by the way. I'm not even gonna run this through your insurance.

[Bobby Kelly]

There it is right there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wait, that goes in your pussy?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no. You put that in between your thighs and you mush it together, and it makes your pussy stronger.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

I've never shot anything out of my puss.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I had to look at Christine's mouth and make sure that wasn't her saying that. It says it slims your thighs, buttocks and lower ab muscles. Tone and tighten. Pelvic floor muscles. Pelvic floor, I guess, would be your pussy muscles.

[Bobby Kelly]

Pussy muscles.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Gotcha. Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

There you go.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's one. Well, it's 33 bucks, I'd say. Get the weights, jam those weights up and you see, I've never seen that.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

What is that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Kegel weights?

[Bobby Kelly]

You put them in your vagina?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. You put them right inside your pussy and then hold. And then hold on for dear life.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have to put it in and they go from small to big.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think it's squeeze. The idea is you hold them up there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are they different sizes for different. Like, so when you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

For big, fat, disgusting pussies.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is it like weights? You can go up in weights? I used to be able to curl 15s. Now I can do 35s.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely. Look at that. Keeglar says we're getting ready for the fight. Now. The exercise system is 50 bucks. So you can either squeeze your thighs together, or you can just hold 85 up to 125 grams of weight inside your pussy.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's a tight pussy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Pull up the fight training Christine, you got to get it. Christine think she can do all of them at once?

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine, could you. What do you think? You do the 125 grams?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. What's your pussy bench?

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

I don't know. It's just such a weird. It just feels like, I guess this stuff works, but you just are supposed to do it on your own. Yeah, but, like, this is all you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Need to get some weights up there.

[Bobby Kelly]

You should try it and see what you get up to. We can all take bets. I think you do the. I think you do the 125 out of the gate.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think your PR is gonna set a record. Training, getting ready for the fights.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

How do you use it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Damn, I wish we all had vaginas so we could have a contest.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, how great would that be? We could all. We could do stuff on air with our pussies.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know. Oh, my God. Who could fill their pussy with the most stuff?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We'd be such cool chicks. Christine, will you pour things in your pussy so we can see how big it is? No. See what I mean? That's what you get with chicks with pussies. But if we all had pussies.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

Do one of you guys want to go in to get your own pussy made?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. No. So there we are saying it's an expensive process. It's not perfected yet.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you think when you get a pussy, you get that same attitude?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Maybe.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Probably because you're missing your dick.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Dick is the fun part.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, great.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

You can fit up your butts.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think I know the answer to that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Three fingers.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Two hard and one flaccid penis. The third one can get in there, but it's gotta be kind of soft. My recommendation is 2. Go in hard and then let one of the guys get soft. And another hard one goes in before you have two hard ones in and a guy tries to mush a soft one in there. Jacob, you've been listening.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why don't you get three soft put in?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I lose this guy sometimes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let them get hard in your ass.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But then they have to get in there. You're not gonna get three softies in there. It's too much like fingers you gotta stuff stuffing in with. I need. I need your. Your firm girth.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

To be what opens me up like a flower. Christine, you could do 125 grams. I say you start doubling these up, though. I said you could do 230 grams. That's the top two together. That's a personal record in any gym. Any pussy gym you go to in this town. At A Planet Fitness, they're gonna put your picture on the wall.

[Robert Kelly]

It just looks like a. A weight lollipop you stick in your vag. So what do you. You just have to keep it in there. What's the principle?

[Bobby Kelly]

You put it in and you keep it in so it doesn't drop on the floor.

[Robert Kelly]

So if your pussy's weak, it plunk.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Christine, you're not supposed to shove it.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

Up your pussy and see if you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can keep it up there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're not?

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

It's something you put in. And then this is. You lay on your back, and for 15 minutes a day, you squeeze and release the muscles around the weight. I believe.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What. Laying on your back. That's not fun. I Thought you stand in a sumo squat position and see how long you could hold it in your pussy until it falls out from gravity.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine's bathroom sounds like this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. And then she goes, done. I'm done working out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Two more.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't understand.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, how long did I do? How long did I do? How long will I do? Oh, God. How long I do.

[Robert Kelly]

What is the. Why does the weight matter in this case? I don't understand. I understand you're supposed to squeeze your puss muscles, but what is that thing staying in your.

[Bobby Kelly]

Because inside your. All around is like a muscle. So if you.

[Robert Kelly]

If just like it's wrapping around this. So it's, it's.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you're, you're, you're. You're making it tighter so you're building the muscle inside your pussy. Don't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't got a fucking pussy.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll tell you, Bobby, how you keep.

[Bobby Kelly]

The way I do.

[Robert Kelly]

How does the weight make your muscles.

[Bobby Kelly]

Keep my asshole open? It took a long time to get to where I wanted it, and I don't want to get it tight again.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, Bobby, the Gabe Kelly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what they call him up in the Canadian woods.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. You've never heard me coming here.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby, the gate btg.

[Bobby Kelly]

I wonder. I wonder if they have cock weights. No, I know they have cockweights. I'm wondering if they have bigger sizes, though, or 125 the limit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, like. Yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like a pro.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know what I mean? Like a pro set.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Christine tried to get her kettlebell inside of her but couldn't wet it enough.

[Bobby Kelly]

It had Joe Rogan's face on it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's the gorilla. It's the gorilla face one.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's an. On it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

There you go.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, see, I like those ones. I like old timey weights that are just like circles with numbers on them. 40lb.

[Bobby Kelly]

The. The freak show weights. The strongman weight.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Strongman weights. Christine, do me a favor. Can you look up penis weights? We're gonna find out who has the strongest in this place.

[Bobby Kelly]

That'd be a good one. I'd do that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Black Lou, you're the ref.

[Bobby Kelly]

Get him right out of it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Lucky you're a referee.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

Honestly, I'm trying to find out, like, no ringers.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No ringers.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

I don't understand what the weight difference.

[Robert Kelly]

Thank you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Because one. Because you put one in there, right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a smaller weight. Right. And you're going to clamp around it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They don't look like, they're different. It tells you the thing. No, it tell. Listen. It tells you the thing. Go back.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It says you contract the pelvic floor muscles around the object. It'll help keep the weight from falling out of the vagina and are necessary for Kelose. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Because even if you have the weights lying down, some women's pussies are so gaping, they just slide out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You big, disgusting.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Fat. Huge.

[Bobby Kelly]

Out of its shell.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Because everything sucks. Chicks suck.

[Robert Kelly]

I would have thought that. And it.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

You.

[Robert Kelly]

You want to stand up so that you don't. You want to.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think you should run gravity at the end. You can stand up. That's the final test.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's the move.

[Bobby Kelly]

I say stand up and it doesn't fall out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Christine jogs with hers in.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yep.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

I have a very strong purse.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, she's been running. She's been running. Local. Local meats.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine, can I ask a question about.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A vaginal pussy benchmade?

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

I don't want any more drops.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm just. Seriously, can you tell, like, we can tell how big our dicks are, how big they get, Right. Can you tell how tight your vagina is? Are you just guessing?

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

I have no idea how tight my vagina is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, look at the message boards.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

No, but I really have no idea. I mean, it's like when you're not turned out at all, all it's less. Less accepting. And when you're turned on, it's turned out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Turned out.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

Turned on.

[Bobby Kelly]

Turned on.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

The more turned on you are, the more open.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

First time you said turned out, you said turned out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ho.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

Yeah, well, I'd like to be turned on and then turned out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Trap house, Christine. So.

[Bobby Kelly]

But you can't stick. Look, what I'm saying is you can't, like, stick your fingers in. Like, if I had a. And I was like, I want to find out how tight I am, I'd never stop. I would. You never stop eating me out?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Under this table. I would live under this table.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

You'd have to.

[Bobby Kelly]

A break would be longer. Oh, yeah. We'd never eat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude. I would suck my thumb. But with my. I just watch movies like this. My thumb, my pussy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude. If I had a. I'd be rubbing my fat all the time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely, dude. All my electronics would be destroyed with squirt.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would. I'd be on the plane with a blanket over my lap, just rubbing my clit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, Just give myself some thumb knuckle right in the bean. Why not?

[Bobby Kelly]

But can you stick your fingers in and be like, oh, I. And lock around your fingers and know how tight you are.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can we just watch it? Can we watch a demonstration of kegel weights being used?

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

Yeah, let me find one.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I wouldn't go to YouTube.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, there's probably. It's got to be an animation. It's not gonna be a video.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, where are you gonna find the video of that? Who's gonna do what actress is gonna.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no. When that audition porn garbage chips will do everything.

[Bobby Kelly]

I forget. I forgot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They'll do it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I forget. There's every porn ever. Ever conceived is made.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, they do squirt tutorial videos. That's not a hired actor and actress. That's two porn people who agreed to do a. Here's how it's done.

[Bobby Kelly]

I thought you're talking about, like, a real technical. Like, what you want to do. No, like a doctor with a woman.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So you want to tighten up your. You scash.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, we're gonna have to see some girl shit herself while she's putting these up her pussy. I was thinking a more sexier situation.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Talking about a pregnant lady who's about to shit herself. Yeah, sure. Yeah, you got it, Christine.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

No, these girls are just masturbating.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So. What?

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

With the cheetah things inside.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's what I'm saying.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think that's the thing. Isn't that the thing you do?

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not gonna be.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Are they staying inside, though?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, you look at this piggo.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Are they staying inside, though? If they're staying inside, they're working.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

I don't know. Look at her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, tight, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

I told you, I don't. I'm. I'm kind. I like a nice, proportionate, chubby chick.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You don't like that?

[Bobby Kelly]

She was. She had. Her titties were proportionate with that fat gut.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I tell you why? I think one of the first girls that I started messing around with at a young age, Kimba the White Lion. She was. That was her name. That was her nickname. Kimba the White Lion. She was a chubby blonde. Sure, she had a boy haircut, but.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She didn't know she looked like that.

[Bobby Kelly]

She was fat. No, she was a fat girl, but.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She was okay with being called Kimber the White Line. That was behind her back.

[Bobby Kelly]

That was behind her back. Yeah, that was me. That was her name in the hood.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sure, sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Her on the blouse. The blouse. The first girl to touch my ding ding who molested me. I would say now, but back then it was not a molestation. It was just a.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Times were better back then.

[Bobby Kelly]

Taking advantage of a kid.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Pruners were considered singers. Bob Hart was considered funny. Bob Newhart was considered funny.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. But she was a fat girl too. So I think my first couple fat. My first couple experiences. Except for Tawny, the half black, half white girl. Mulatto, who was my first sex.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think a lot of you know, let's say that. But all right.

[Bobby Kelly]

You can't say mulatto.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I didn't mean things from shirts.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just looked at blue. Blue. Back me up. Can I say Milano? Yeah, I think, I think I have a thing for chubby girls. And of course I know what you're gonna say. The obvious. I was fat too.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sure. But that's what I was gonna say. Like a thing. I don't have a thing for chubby girls. But I've also never like. I was like chubby was never like a turn off shoe away for me also because one, it would have been hypocritical and two, like again, I'm sure if I was like a strictly tits guy or ass guy or some kind of weird thing like that. My, my weirdest thing. If you're like what guy am I? Face that was huge to me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. If you're good looking and chubby, I have no problem. One of the best nights I've ever best nights I've ever had was two chubby blonde girls at Mohegan sun playing Trust me. Oh, that went real fast.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do they trust you?

[Bobby Kelly]

They. Yeah, they put their my in their mouth. So I trusted them.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Mohegan son, huh?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. One of them give me what times.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I brought a girl when I was opening for Bobby Mohegan Son. I brought that girl that one time Greek girl had a big crazy bush and at Mohegan Sundry I told you this. There I shaved it. I go, you know, it'd be hot like if I shaved your bush. And we found out she was a projectile. I mean, put out a fucking substantial size fire squirter. She didn't know that because her thick Greek bush was catching all of that soak. That's a crazy thick bush.

[Bobby Kelly]

She had a rainforest bush.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's insane.

[Bobby Kelly]

She had a new species of spiders in her snatch.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This girl didn't find out that. She just gonna find out that she like squirts like gushes out. She finds out that she squirts like, like across the room.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you have to get an old school razor to cut the thick root hair?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh my. It was thick hair. It was like A lot. It was like a couple razors worth when we used to shave my stepfather down for the summertime. It was like that. Oh, is this someone using their pussy for lifting weights?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that's. That's actually. Wait, that's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's this girl's name? Challenger challenge. This chick.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that's a guy penis.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Clit.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, that's a penis.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

I mean, that is a buddy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a big clit.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God. It's getting bigger. She's getting hard. Oh, man. Why is the clit so big?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a bodybuilder chick is what's going on.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a penis. It's a little tiny penis.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, yeah, the clit does look a little tiny penis.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All right. 2.5 pounds.

[Bobby Kelly]

She should put those on her cock.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Here she goes. She's gonna click the 2.5 pounds. Uh huh.

[Bobby Kelly]

We get it. Just do it, you fucking influencer.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, she's about to do it. She's about to hang that from her pussy. Christine, you could beat this. Why is your clitine I know you can beat this.

[Bobby Kelly]

She has a literal clit that is probably an inch and a half long. With a helmet. Yeah, it has a helmet.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just a clip. A little clip tip and just stand.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

Up and it just like comes out as you stand.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why is your click getting bigger?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is she gonna stand up with this?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Oh. Hold it in there, girl. Do it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Come on, girl. Oh. Oh my. Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That might be a guy.

[Robert Kelly]

It is a guy, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

That's a guy.

[Robert Kelly]

That's a guy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's a man made.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's an. Is that an buddy? That is a dude. That's a guy penis.

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

A dude with a. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is it a hermaphrodite? Are those real? Is that like a unicorn?

[Christine (Producer or Staff)]

I think you're. Isn't that what happens with steroids?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It could just be a muscular chick. Yeah, buddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

That is a huge. That's a. You could suck it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You would suck it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would suck it and jerk it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And lick it and flick it in the right moment. Dude, a girl could tell you to give her a real. I mean real harmonica. The side of it too. Like go across like that corner.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you creep. Oh, that reminds me. Bobby Kelly is going to be in this week. It's side splitters.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, side splitters. Thursday night still available. Saturday night, it is pretty much almost sold out. And then Friday, first show, I believe. Yeah. So Friday, second show. Thursday show. For tickets available. Get your tickets. Me, my Calta, Danny Braff. It's gonna be a Fun time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh my God. It's doing the show with you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he's gonna come do the show. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Does he do stand up?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he goes up and does like 10 minutes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you know, he's always. He's pretty funny. He calls him make me ups. Oh, that's what he calls him. I'm gonna be doing my new the invention of the cigarette.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I like that. Bobby. Also, I've been thinking you should wear like kind of a floppy adventurers hat on stage and maybe a duster.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby's gonna be in Emmaus, Pennsylvania. After that, New Orleans for Skank Fest Providence, Rhode Island. So much on deck. For tickets and all tour dates go to punchup Live. Robert Kelly. Check out his YouTube page, YouTube.com Robert Kelly comedy. And of course every Tuesday at the Five By Plus Kelly Lounge the comedy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Come down and see me now. A lot of bonfire fans have been coming down too, which is great. Love it. Down. I know they're bonfire fans because I have a thing in my app where I go marshmallows and they fucking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, they love it.

[Bobby Kelly]

They love it. They always hit their girlfriend on the shoulder. Big J is going to be. Come on, Big Joker. You know, Big Jokerson will be at the Ice House in pasadena this Friday, October 24th and Saturday, October 25th. After that he's going to be in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jason else with me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I love Jason. He is a great guy. After that he'll be in Austin and then he's going to be at side splitters for the first time. Tickets are sell. I think he's sold out. Right? You still got tickets available for nothing for Austin? No, for Tampa.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Tampa. We're adding a show Sunday. Sunday night we're adding. We'll add two shows if we need to. Please make me need to. We're definitely doing one on Sunday.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yep. I still have tickets available for my Thursday show. You piece of shits. Austin, why don't you go. He's adding shows, you fucking losers.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This might be a big mistake. We'll see. I hope it's not Austin. I think it's all sold out.

[Bobby Kelly]

I hope you sell out all 17 shows and then your plane crashes and you never enjoy that money.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll never get to enjoy the money.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sixteen gets that money.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely. Well, it's for sure if I don'.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go to bigchay comedy.com and go to YouTube.com bigjayokerson for his live show. And they them, they is available up there. The double special. And right now Big J's double special them. They is available for pre order on vinyl@bigj comedy.com and every album comes with a sign Dick dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dick dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dick dude. We'll see you guys.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Catch you next week. Monday we're back.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Monday we're back. We're back.

[Bobby Kelly]

Monday we back.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Monday we're back.

[Bobby Kelly]

We're back. Monday. We'll see you guys later. Have a great weekend.

[Commercial Announcer / Andy Cohen]

Start the season with Etsy and make your holiday traditions extra special on Etsy. You'll discover original pieces from small shops that will help you celebrate your way. Shop Etsy for holiday decor that makes you feel seen. Special starts on Etsy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey everyone, it's me, Andy Cohen. Buckle up because I have a podcast called Daddy Diaries where I take my listeners on an as it happened recount of life as a daddy. Two kids, dozens of housewives, and the occasional fella. Listen to the Daddy Diaries to hear about my high highs and low lows of parenting, housewives, drama and so much more. Daddy Diaries available wherever you listen to podcasts.