Crazy Ex-Wives with Tom Arnold

Summary

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The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: "Crazy Ex-Wives" with Tom Arnold
Date: October 16, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this energetic and deeply personal episode, Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly welcome veteran comedian Tom Arnold to "The Bonfire." Tom, currently on his "My Crazy Ex-Wife" comedy tour, dives head-first into candid conversation about parenthood, addiction, the Hollywood scene, wild exes (including Roseanne), and the dark and bizarre corners of his life. The trio swap war stories, joke relentlessly, and manage to blend raw honesty with moments of laugh-out-loud absurdity.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Late-in-Life Fatherhood & Single Parenting

• Tom shares: He’s a single dad with kids aged 12 and 9 at age 66 (“We celebrate half-birthdays!”) and reflects on the unique challenges and joys of being an older parent.

  “When you're older, it's a good thing to be. There's no age. That's—whatever how old we are, we're today old.” – Tom Arnold [01:50]

• Anecdotes:
  • The exhaustion and humor in parenting (“Nobody wants me taking naps at all.” – Tom Arnold [19:11])
  • How his daughter’s trust falls have (literally) kept him on his toes [19:18]
  • He believes he is a more patient, attentive parent now than he could’ve been younger [21:02]

2. On Working & Dating in Comedy — Risky Business

• Working with partners: Dave asks if working with your significant other is a bad idea. Tom jokes:

  “Has she stabbed you yet? Because she will. No, it’s a guarantee.” – Tom Arnold [02:47]

• Stabbing stories: Tom reveals he was actually stabbed by an ex, but “she was kind enough not to do that [stab the heart], the only reason…is I had a tattoo of her fucking face from my nipple to my collarbone.” [03:06]

3. Extreme Relationships: Comedy, Exes, and Roseanne

• Four ex-wives: Tom self-deprecates about his marital record:

  “You can have three ex-wives and still gotta go, ‘Women, right, buddy? Women.’ If you have four ex-wives, you go, ‘Holy shit, it’s me.’ And it is me.” – Tom Arnold [17:49]

• Roseanne:
  • Tom describes their wild, co-dependent relationship and the professional/personal chaos that ensued.

    “We were really Bonnie and Clyde. Everybody turned on you, and you guys were like, yeah, fuck you.” – Dave Smith [36:27] “That is solid. But we had fun. … We really were the only people that liked each other genuinely.” – Tom Arnold [37:32]

  • He describes removing his “Roseanne” tattoo after their split, and jokes, “It hurts, but it was worth it.” [15:36]
  • On being friends with exes:

    “If you have kids with somebody, you have to have some sort of thing, but you can’t be best friends.” – Tom Arnold [15:53]

4. Sobriety, Addiction, and Recovery

• Bobby’s early recovery:
  • Robert Kelly got sober as a teenager and misses out on “the fun years.”

    “He didn’t get to have any of the fun years. He had to find sobriety at 15. … Because he went so hard from 10 to 15.” – Dave Smith [09:07]

  • Tom praises him for his resilience:

    “Once you start using drugs at that age, man, you know…it’s inspiring.” – Tom Arnold [13:17]

• Relapse stories:
  • Tom humorously admits he relapsed after taking prescribed fentanyl for a broken back and had to reset his sobriety clock [14:03]

    “That’s what I’ve been looking for my whole life.” – Tom Arnold [14:10]

• A bit about sobriety rituals: Tom shares how important the 1-year milestone is, noting he wouldn’t accept a congratulatory gift before hitting that mark [15:02]

5. Childhood Trauma & Facing Demons

• Sexual abuse discussions:
  • Both Bobby and Tom openly discuss being molested as kids. Tom details tracking down his abuser and confronting him as an adult, leading to the exposure of more victims:

    “I grabbed his hand, bent it back, and I said, if you try to do that now, I'd break your fucking neck.” – Tom Arnold [10:58] “…then 30 other kids came forward.” [12:28]

  • Tom emphasizes the cathartic, if complicated, process of facing such trauma [11:16–12:30]

6. Bizarre & Hilarious Side Conversations

• Penis stories:
  • The group riffs on infamous stories of men having their genitals reattached and becoming novelty porn stars, and Tom recalls the time he verified rumors about John Salley’s size while producing a sports show [04:10–05:36].
• Single Dad Porn Habits:
  • Tom describes hiding in the bathroom with an iPad and “Astroglide,” lamenting single dad life [05:50–06:24].
• Sauna adventures: Bobby admits to masturbating in his garage sauna [06:24].

7. Celebrity Life & Comedy War Stories

• Career crossroads:
  • Tom shares meeting his last ex-wife at a Passover Seder, enduring 23 failed IVF attempts, and finally conceiving through a novel medical procedure [29:53–33:22].
  • The story of his daughter’s birth—predicted by a TV medium and realized via a long-frozen embryo—is a highlight for its absurdity and heart [34:04–35:39].

8. Parenting, Childhood Poverty, and Changing Perspectives

• Generational wealth and struggle:
  • Bobby jokes about his son’s overlooked $850 lacrosse stick, contrasting it with his own spoon-for-a-toy childhood [28:15–28:36].
  • Tom notes the gratitude and presence he feels as an older father, appreciating moments in a way he couldn’t have in his 20s [27:57].

9. Behind the Scenes: Fame, Paparazzi, and International Drama

• Roseanne divorce drama:
  • Tom narrates a wild (and likely legally questionable) episode involving Roseanne, her new lover, off-duty Italian police, and full-body-cavity-search revenge [41:35–42:59].
  • On being tabloid regulars:

    “We’d get in there. We can control that. Let’s do crazy shit.” – Tom Arnold [39:28]

  • On how fame eventually controls you: “Eventually you can't control it because they want something back.” [39:28]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Late-in-Life Fatherhood:

"I will be a much better date if I ever have another one because of my daughter, because I’m so freaking patient. … I do stuff I don’t want to do, and I end up loving it." – Tom Arnold [21:02]

On Sobriety Relapse:

"They gave me a shot of fentanyl and I went, oh shit. That’s what I’ve been looking for my whole life … I realize I’m not sober. … I got to start over.” – Tom Arnold [14:10]

On Facing His Childhood Abuser:

“I grabbed his hand, bent it back, and I said, if you try to do that now, I’d break your fucking neck.” – Tom Arnold [10:58]

On Roseanne Tattoo Removal:

“I had my first sobriety date tattooed on me…had to have that removed along with Roseanne.” – Tom Arnold [15:22]

On Being a Four-time Ex-husband:

“If you have four ex-wives, you go, holy shit, it’s me. And it is me.” – Tom Arnold [17:49]

On the Absurdities of Fame:

“If you called the news, they’d put us live on the news.” – Tom Arnold [38:09]

On Catching His Daughter’s Trust Falls:

“Every time she just falls backwards, she knows I’m going to catch her. … Not great for the back, but…these kids deserve everything.” – Tom Arnold [19:18]

On The Perils of Marrying a Comedian:

“She begged you to roast her, you roast her, they pay you, and then you leave. And then in 18 more years, maybe you’ll roast each other again. Right. That’s really the gut.” – Tom Arnold [15:58]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• [01:35] Tom Arnold joins, jokes about age & parenting
• [02:44] On working with your girlfriend: “Has she stabbed you yet?”
• [03:06] Tom’s stabbing story & exes violence riff
• [05:41] Penis stories and male bonding in sports TV
• [06:24] Tom’s single dad porn confession / Bobby’s sauna
• [09:07–10:58] Sobriety stories, childhood trauma, and Bobby’s early addiction
• [11:16–12:30] Tom details confronting his abuser, systemic cover-ups, and survivor advocacy
• [14:03–15:22] On relapse and sobriety milestones
• [15:34] Removing Roseanne tattoo, exes and boundaries
• [17:49] The reality of four ex-wives
• [19:11] Parenting exhaustion stories
• [21:02] Patience and personal change via fatherhood
• [27:57] Late-in-life parenting, gratitude, and perspective
• [29:53–33:22] IVF journey, Shaq sperm donor jokes, birth of his kids
• [34:04–35:39] TV medium and his daughter’s wild origin story
• [36:27–38:09] The wild ride with Roseanne, media chaos, and fame
• [41:35–42:59] International drama and Roseanne’s wild Sardinia saga

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Tone & Style

As always, the Bonfire crew is unfiltered, loud, and quick with offhanded jokes—even during confessional, serious moments. Tom Arnold matches their no-holds-barred storytelling, moving seamlessly from tragic to hilarious, making this an episode as wild as the stories it contains.

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For More

Catch Tom Arnold on his "My Crazy Ex-Wife" tour throughout October in New York and New Jersey, and listen to "The Bonfire" live Mondays–Thursdays on SiriusXM Faction Talk 103.

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Transcript

[Jeff Bridges]

Morning, Zoe. Got donuts.

[Zoe]

Jeff Bridges, why are you still living above our garage?

[Jeff Bridges]

Well, I dig the mattress and I want to be in a T mobile commercial like you teach me.

[Tom Arnold]

So Dana.

[Zoe]

Oh no, I'm not really prepared. I couldn't possibly at t mobile get the new iPhone 17 Pro on them. It's designed to be the most powerful iPhone yet and has the ultimate pro camera system.

[Jeff Bridges]

Wow, impressive. Let me try. T mobile is the best place to get iPhone 17 Pro because they've got the best network.

[Tom Arnold]

Nice.

[Zoe]

Je free.

[Tom Arnold]

You heard them. T mobile is the best place to get the new iPhone 17 Pro on us with eligible traded in any condition.

[Jeff Bridges]

So what are we having for lunch?

[Zoe]

Dude, my work here is done.

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[Tom Arnold]

And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Dave Smith]

We have an amazing guest joining us on the show right out of the gates today. Rare, rare for us. He's currently on his my crazy ex wife comedy tour with dates in New York and so many more. It is the legend, the hilarious Tom Arnold.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm glad you put legend.

[Tom Arnold]

I was gonna say legends. I'm 66 and a half. We celebrate. I'm a single dad. My kids are 12 and 9. We celebrate half birthdays and you know, when you're older, it's a good thing to to be. There's no age. That's whatever how old we are. We're today old.

[Dave Smith]

That's it.

[Bobby Kelly]

One day at a time.

[Tom Arnold]

You know what it sounds like when I listen to you guys? Like, there's a lot of people here. There's A lot of people here.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's a lot of people.

[Tom Arnold]

You know, sometimes people fake it. Yeah. It's a whole.

[Dave Smith]

I can't believe that you have. Yes. Such young children at 66 years old. It really kills my argument. Whenever Christine brings up children any kind of way in her life, I'm like, we're way past that.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah. How old is Christine, might I ask?

[Dave Smith]

Christine, how old are you?

[Tom Arnold]

Is she your girlfriend?

[Dave Smith]

Yeah.

[Tom Arnold]

Holy shit.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Tom Arnold]

Oh, my God. I have to rethink everything.

[Dave Smith]

We work together. Does that go bad?

[Tom Arnold]

You're not too old. I'm gonna tell you right now. Yeah, I tell you right now, man.

[Dave Smith]

Me and my chick work together. Is that a bad idea, you think?

[Tom Arnold]

Has she stabbed you yet? Because she will. No, it's a guarantee. It is a guarantee. Guaranteed.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you really get stabbed?

[Tom Arnold]

I did, I did.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like, how stabbed? Like a little stab.

[Tom Arnold]

Well, but pretty good. But this a good. This part of the body. You want to get stabbed here, you get stabbed here all day. Here, you get close to the heart.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right.

[Tom Arnold]

So she was kind enough not to do that. The only reason she didn't stab me, the heart is cuz I had a tattoo of her fucking face from my nipple to my collarbone. She's like, I don't want to fuck up that beautiful tattoo. I'm going to stab him here. And it's not a big deal. Every. I. I'm sure there's other men in this room that have been stabbed. No. By their girlfriend.

[Bobby Kelly]

Not yet.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah. Give it time. Give it.

[Dave Smith]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah.

[Dave Smith]

DJ Loose probably had. At least he's been on the brink of being stabbed if he hasn't been stabbed.

[Bobby Kelly]

But he's been with a Puerto Rican.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

So, I mean, that's. That, that's the way.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah. It depends on where they stab you, because Puerto Rican women, they might do some cutting. Yeah.

[Dave Smith]

They'll open you up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dave Smith]

Ear to ear.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah, they.

[Bobby Kelly]

They've been known to take dicks off and throw them away.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah, that. Found that. They found. The cops found it, they reattached it. And then he was a porn star. That's amazing.

[Dave Smith]

For one movie.

[Tom Arnold]

One movie still bad. That's a dream, you know what?

[Bobby Kelly]

A negative.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah, one.

[Bobby Kelly]

They found his dick in grass.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Put it back on. And then he became a porn star. That's pretty.

[Dave Smith]

No, but not a porn star. He was in that one film, which. And for that reason, I mean, he had sex with the two, maybe three women in that.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah.

[Dave Smith]

And then that was it for his porn career. Then he probably got Some novelty ass floating around because girls want to see it. But at the end of the day, not worth having your penis cut off and reattached.

[Tom Arnold]

No, I would like to. If he was here, I'd say, you got to show me that fucker.

[Dave Smith]

Oh yeah. You know, I'll look at any penis we had. What's come on here? The Punisher in here, who was the guy who P. Diddy would pay to have sex with his girl in front of him.

[Tom Arnold]

Oh, Jesus. Yeah, yeah, that guy, he has the.

[Dave Smith]

He has the pump in his penis.

[Tom Arnold]

In like inside where it's in his balls, the pump.

[Dave Smith]

And he. And he. And he pumped it up for us and showed us in the room.

[Tom Arnold]

Jesus.

[Dave Smith]

I didn't take my eyes away for one second. I'm a straight man, straight as an arrow.

[Tom Arnold]

I'd say, well, that's a freak show. You got to check it out. Yes. Let me say this. I had a sports show, which I love doing, best dance sports show, period. And if you have a show or you have to, when the audience watch you get. They got to think you're buddies or they are married or whatever. So you got bought very quickly. So John Salley was our basketball guy and I'd heard a rumor that he had a big dick for a cephal guy. Which if you had a scale dick for seven foot, that's pretty big, right? So. But right before we started filming the first show, I went down to his dressing room, we go, sal, man, I heard a rumor that you had a big tick for a seven foot tall guy. He goes, that is true. I go, well, I got to see the fucker. And like it had an elbow, I shit you not. Like there's, you know, but that's how we bonded, man.

[Dave Smith]

I do. It is strange to be a straight man and marvel at another man's size.

[Tom Arnold]

Well, I don't like seeing a bit by porn, of course. Really? Never. I'm with Tom.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't want to. I see a big dick, I'm out.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah, there is a Twitter is. Or axe, whatever. There's a person on there that puts out the best lesbian porn and it's free. And they're little clip vignettes. You know, it's all. If you don't like that way you swipe up and then you get what you need. And you know, when you're again a single dad of a 12 year old, 9 year old, you know, it's something that you kind of, first of all, you have to leave, go hide at the back bathroom. Kids gotta be asleep. Get your setup, get your iPad, get your cleanup stuff, your Astroglide. And it's not something you do every day. It's too tiring.

[Bobby Kelly]

I jerked off in my sauna the other day.

[Tom Arnold]

You did?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, in the garage.

[Tom Arnold]

That's manly. Yeah. Because it's hot. Yeah. Jesus.

[Dave Smith]

It's gonna dry immediately.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, not mine.

[Tom Arnold]

How often do you jerk off, Daddy? You got that smoking hot girlfriend. Do you ever. Do you ever.

[Dave Smith]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Three times a week.

[Tom Arnold]

Well, to keep yourself. So when you are with your smoking girlfriend, you don't, like, come really quick, you got to keep it down. And I tell these kids, these young people to go out and get fights. They said jerk off before you go out to party. It'll slow you down, man. You won't do this crazy shit.

[Dave Smith]

Jacob can't. He's a proud boy. The proud boys aren't allowed to masturbate. I don't know if you tell by his size and color.

[Tom Arnold]

He's a chapter.

[Dave Smith]

He's a chapter leader.

[Tom Arnold]

Oh, Jesus. Oh, God.

[Dave Smith]

Well, he's willing, for work purposes, to work with a black man and whatever Paco is, but.

[Tom Arnold]

Well, so the. The kind of guests you have are usually like the P. Diddy guy.

[Dave Smith]

No, no, no. It's all over the place. This is Sirius XM.

[Tom Arnold]

I've listened. I've very. It's 103, right? Yeah, yeah, I'm very familiar with what you guys.

[Dave Smith]

I've had Cyndi Lauper walk out on me. It's been a point of contention lately. Yeah, everybody turned on Cyndi Lauper. Yesterday was disgusting.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, he thinks she's fucking gorgeous.

[Tom Arnold]

She's very talented.

[Bobby Kelly]

There you go.

[Tom Arnold]

Her voice is very. And by the way, I. I agree with you.

[Dave Smith]

Still adorable.

[Tom Arnold]

I agree with you. Hey, Jane Fonda is you. You'd her right now. She's like 90. Yes. No, I saw her recently. I'm like, yeah, I would. Yeah. You know, Dolly Parton sick, so she's out. But there's some older women. I have to tell you, man.

[Dave Smith]

You know Jane Fonda? Yeah, no doubt.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, I take that back. Yeah, I'd throw it to her.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah. And she's my. I don't want to. I would injure her because I'm so big and she's a tiny little woman, but she's also, you know, like one of my heroes, you know? That's great. You know what? Funny, I was at the kids pediatrician and a woman came up to me, said, hi, it's Jane's Daughter who I remember said, I have to tell you why I'm out in la. My mom flew me out. So we. She wants to do more mother daughter therapy. And we just had a nine hour session because she wants to know how to be a better mother. When you're 87, would your mom or dad do that?

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Tom Arnold]

They'd be like, fuck it, you know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Last time I fought with my mom was 15 years ago, screaming on the phone. And at one point she leaned in and she went, bobby, when are you going to realize I'm never going to change?

[Dave Smith]

I thought you say she didn't want you.

[Bobby Kelly]

She told me that when I was three. She used to whisper that in my ear. She used to throw me up. Someday some lady's going to come to the door and go, oh, Mrs. Kelly, you have a wrong baby.

[Dave Smith]

What's funny? That's right. You and Tom are brothers in sobriety. But Bobby, he didn't get to have any of the fun years. He had to find sobriety at 15. And. And his thing is, because he went so hard from 8, 10. Yeah, from 10 to 15. But the thing is, you didn't really get to buddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I got.

[Dave Smith]

You didn't really get to have fun. And up on.

[Bobby Kelly]

I got molested. I had all the fun things.

[Tom Arnold]

Did you go find the guy like I did? Found him.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I found him on Grindr.

[Tom Arnold]

We had a good time. My guy was a. And my mother's alcoholic. She was a sloppy fucking parrot. She left when I was 4, thank God. But she hooked me up with this man, babysitter in our neighborhood who did those things to me. And he would say, my dad would pull up and he had a gun on his. He was up a little bit higher than our house. He's like, you know how easy it'd be for me to kill your dad? And so my dad's all had all we had. So I'm like, okay. But then when I became an adult, when I got sober, clear, I was like, I gotta find this guy. Cause I don't want to be at Walmart and have that guy in my hometown of Ottoman, Iowa. Had that guy behind me, like, see the famous guy? I fucked him. I'm like, I'm gonna get on top of this shit. So I tracked my brothers. I have four younger brothers. They tracked him down in Des Moines, the big city. He's a big church leader, big successful businessman. So I practiced. What I was gonna do is. Cause you don't wanna hurt. Kill somebody, then you're in trouble too. Practicing out with my therapist, what I'm gonna say. I go up to his. Should have sees me. She's like, oh, my God, it's Tom Arnold. I go, yeah, I'm here to see Terry. Oh, I'll call him. Don't call him, please. And so I started walking down the hall, and he came out of his office and kind of this high noon thing. And I start my spiel. I'm here to give you back the pain and shame because he's a kid. Try to do that to me now. And he walked right up. He's a big dude. And stuck his finger in my chest. He goes, your memories are wrong. And so I know he's been confronted before. For a second, I felt like I was. Swore I could smell the laundry in his backyard. I could feel the wood and that thing he put me in. But then I went, fuck, I'm not four. I'm a big man. So I grabbed his hand, bent it back, and I said, if you try to do that now, I'd break your fucking neck. And everybody that worked for him saw it.

[Dave Smith]

Wow.

[Tom Arnold]

Because it's Iowa. Tom Arnold, Iowa. So I went out. I felt like a ton of shit off my shoulders, like you're supposed to feel that went right to the state capitol. Walked right in. It was Terry Branstad. He was a Republican, but that's when they were good. Anyway, I walk right in his house and go, terry, it's past the statute of limitations. Cops can't help me. This guy's about to adopt his fourth son. You need to stop it. And he's like, oh, my God, Tom, that's a federal offense. You asking me is a federal offense. You were never here. And so I was disappointed. But then five days later, my brother called and said the adoption fell through, and he couldn't do it. And so then I'm like, have I done everything? So I had my brother, my farmhead, go up six blocks around his house. Kid I. His face, his name, his crimes, and then just keep replacing those. Keep. And then I went on Oprah, and they're like, you want to have a pseudonym for that guy? I go, yeah, of course. And I said, terry Williams. I said, right down the pipe. And then at my sister's drug trial, her first one, a woman came up and said, I know that who you're talking about, because he did it to my husband, who is his brother. Wow. And then 30 other kids came forward. Wow.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna call my sister right now and give her a thing or two.

[Dave Smith]

I'm really happy at the end. It did come down to you wanting to help other kids, too, because it was hilarious in the beginning. You went. You go, and this guy's walking around town.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah.

[Dave Smith]

I don't want him thinking I fucked Tom Arnold. Don't tell people you fucked Tom Arnold.

[Tom Arnold]

Nobody wants to admit to that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Anyway, that is the dice you're rolling when you a kid, that they might. They might become famous.

[Tom Arnold]

Yes. Yes, they might.

[Dave Smith]

You know, But Tom was saying he doesn't want the guy to have the pleasure of being able to walk around town, be like, you guys know Tom Arnold is.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah, Yeah. I didn't want to bet. That was my motivation, number one. Yeah.

[Dave Smith]

Much leverage.

[Bobby Kelly]

That would suck if we got T shirts made.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dave Smith]

And then you have to go around.

[Tom Arnold]

Going, I would sell those after my show.

[Dave Smith]

That's before I was famous. I definitely wouldn't fuck that guy.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's a good thing, you know, you being sober since you're 15 is pretty. Pretty good. I know a lot of kids got sober and then fucked up and they died. Because once you start using drugs at that age, man, you know, it's. You know, so that's inspiring.

[Dave Smith]

I can't believe all through the years of comedy you did that you didn't have one even. Let me see if I could smoke weed.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, can I just say this?

[Dave Smith]

Let me see if I can, like, almost like the smaller things like that. Have a drink or two.

[Bobby Kelly]

I did go to sex. I was a fiend for a long time and, you know, a lot of.

[Dave Smith]

Past tense talk there, Bobby.

[Tom Arnold]

I don't do.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't do it anymore. I'm off sex and onto zins and pocketbooks and male purses. I love mail purses.

[Tom Arnold]

Listen, if I could have just spoke pot, I'd be smoking pot. I tried it. It wasn't. It had to be more and, you know, cocaine and that booze. And then 19 years sober. I got very cocky with my program, sponsored these young guys or opioid hero guys. I'm like, I don't get that, guys. I would never like that. And I broke my back on pch on a motorcycle. The ambulance came, the guy gets out. Are you paid? I go, yes. And he gave me a shot of fentanyl and I went, oh, shit. That's what I've been looking for my whole life. So the next year, you know how we get cakes at our birthday? My 20 year, I'm sitting there like. And I realize I'm not sober. I am still on pain Medication from a year ago. So I got to start over, so anything is possible with me.

[Bobby Kelly]

He just got his year last week.

[Tom Arnold]

Good deal. I tell you what. You get a fucking year. That's the deal. Yeah. A lot of times you're guys, you got to get 30 days. They don't get 30 days. Really. It's 60 days. It's 90 to eat the 90 day chip, but you get a year. That's. That's a real deal. Yeah, it's pretty great. Yeah, that's.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's weird.

[Dave Smith]

You wouldn't let me buy him a congratulatory gift until he hit a year.

[Tom Arnold]

I would not. Yeah, no, that's a jinx.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't want to do that, then. Yeah, A week before he goes out.

[Tom Arnold]

That would suck.

[Dave Smith]

I didn't do that. Go.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey.

[Dave Smith]

I know it's not a year exactly yet, but I just want you to know.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah, that's it.

[Dave Smith]

I bought you this and. Yeah. You're still a loser. Nothing's changed in my heart.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah. Driving right back, I had my first sobriety date tattooed on me, which was very. Which is like that. I had to have that removed along with Roseanne.

[Dave Smith]

Yeah.

[Tom Arnold]

It hurts, but it was worth it. Yeah. Her face.

[Bobby Kelly]

You got her off.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah. I took a year and a half. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are you friends?

[Dave Smith]

Just.

[Tom Arnold]

Just remember. Are you shitting me?

[DSW Announcer]

I thought you.

[Tom Arnold]

Laser. It's gone too. Look at that one. I mean, Star David. I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Share on the other side.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I thought. I thought there was a point where you became friends again.

[Tom Arnold]

No. First of all, let me. I saw her once. They got you on 30, so they.

[Dave Smith]

Got you on the roast.

[Tom Arnold]

I roasted her. That's it. And I had seen it 18 years. That's the perfect scenario. You go, she begs you to roast her. You roast her, they pay you, and then you leave. And then in 18 more years, maybe you will roast each other again. Right. That's really the gut. My man. Friends that are like, I'm still best friends with my ex and they've got somebody else, I go, that's some shady fucking shit. Don't say that out loud because that's shady. Right. You know, if you have kids with somebody, you have to have some sort of thing, but you can't be best friends. And then you gotta do. No.

[Dave Smith]

Roseanne's hit a wonderful level of not give a shit at all.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's just angry.

[Tom Arnold]

We had her on Leech.

[Dave Smith]

Ms. Gangsa out at Skang Fest.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah.

[Dave Smith]

Last year.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah.

[Dave Smith]

Was that last year? Two years or two years ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With Violent J from the Insane Clown Posse. And Rosie was on panel. It was pretty goddamn hilarious. She was crazier than Violent J. Yeah, absolutely.

[Tom Arnold]

I'm sure.

[Dave Smith]

And then she, now she. And it's funny because Dave, you know, Dave does all the politics stuff.

[Tom Arnold]

She.

[Dave Smith]

I don't know if she even makes the correlation though of what one was the other. But she went at Dave Smith for politics stuff.

[Tom Arnold]

Oh, yes.

[Dave Smith]

Pretty hard online. And then Dave even kind of wrote back like, oh, I love you still. He's just like, he's like, he can't get past. He's like, is that Roseanne from tv? Like getting mad at me? It's like, it's hard to separate where. Yeah, they're having a political debate. He's like, oh, no, I don't want a political debate with you. You're Roseanne.

[Tom Arnold]

He's a pretty smart political debater.

[Dave Smith]

Dave. Dave goes hard.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. He knows big words.

[Tom Arnold]

He does.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, he says shit. And I'm like, what?

[Tom Arnold]

It's like if you've got to have one Christian friend that knows the Bible to throw in other people's face, we're like, according to the Bible, I could kill everybody here. Well, according to actually, like, I've never read the Bible Torah, but it's good to have somebody smart that way.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now you, you're single now.

[Tom Arnold]

I am. I am. I have sick. I have four ex wives, two little kids.

[Dave Smith]

Would you do it again?

[Tom Arnold]

Well, here's the thing. You can have three ex wives and still gotta go. Women, right, buddy? Women. If you have four ex wives, you go, holy shit, it's me. And it is me. So I've had a date in eight years. When I do it again, you know, the tour is called my Crazy Ex Wife tour. And everybody's like, I know which ex wife? Roseanne. And I'm like, she's not even close to my craziest ex wife. We didn't have kids together. You know the worst thing she did, I guess was host Saturday Night Live. Say Tom harold has a 3 inch penis, which is confidential. Don't take that to the gray woman.

[Dave Smith]

If we ever had anything, please don't say this publicly.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I say something real quick?

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like I wanted to see the big long. I'd love to see this little one.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah, yeah. It's in the middle somewhere. Well, but when she said it, I'm like, you know, even a 747 looks small when it flies over the Grand Canyon. It's all your perspective. But. And then I had, I had kids. My fourth ex wife and usually you have kids with somebody, you hate them. Like it. I love the kids more than I hate you.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have a 12 year old too. Yeah, it's exhausting. Yeah, it's the best thing in the world.

[Tom Arnold]

It is the best thing in the world, but it's.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know what I mean? I miss the days where I used to sleep till three.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now I have to wake up, he'll wake me up, get up.

[Tom Arnold]

And I'm just like, oh no, they do that. They don't want you sleeping and I.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don'T want you sleeping. It's like my wife doesn't want me sleeping. Yeah, she'll tap me on the face with something good. Nobody wants me taking naps at all.

[Tom Arnold]

Well, they might think you're dying. Everybody say, you know, that is true. My 9 year old daughter, I'm so grateful I have a daughter. My son's 12. She will do a thing once while I get back in my bed, lay on my bed with my iPad to catch up on life. And as soon as I lay down, she's very brave. She's a gymnast. She very. I also hear, trust fall back of the couch. I'm like, what the fuck did she say? Trust fall back of the couch. I'm like, trust fall fuck. And I jump up. Which you don't want to do when you're my age. I take a knee and every time she just falls backwards, she knows I'm going to catch her. And the last time I caught her right down here, which is not great for the back, but you know, I feel like I'm older, dad. These kids deserve everything.

[Bobby Kelly]

I had to get down with my son. We were fishing and he goes, let's just sit down. And I had to get down and I got down like a baby elephant. Had to go one knee and then. Yeah, and then just plop on my ass bone.

[Tom Arnold]

Music.

[Bobby Kelly]

You all right? I'm like, I'm fine.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah. It's good to sit down though. My daughter, I have, I have never said no to her. We walked out. Daddy, we play with me. Yes. I don't say, what are we going to play? And she's like, squishmallows. I go, let's play Squish. Okay. What? You know, squishmallows is the stuff. Easy chairs. But she dumps on floor. I go, how do we play, honey? We sit on the floor. She tells me, okay, I'm in there. Can we lay down? Can I lay down like I do with my son to play football and break the house up. But, you know, I will be a much better date if I ever have another one because of my daughter, because I'm so freaking patient. I did not know I was as patient. I. I do stuff I don't want to do, and I end up loving it. Like, switch models. Like, if a woman asked me, hey, do you want to hike Running Canyon? I'd be like, no, do that with your friends. Like, that would be my. And now maybe I'll try to hike Running Canyon.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's the worst thing in LA when I live there, is that everybody's like, we're doing Runyon. I was like, me?

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah, I've done it. Well, you do once. And then stairs. It's going up.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then you always. You. There's somebody famous. I was going up. Matthew McConaughey, who was running backwards, down, shirtless.

[Tom Arnold]

I was like this, of course, playing bongos.

[Bobby Kelly]

We just go to Quiznos.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah. No.

[Dave Smith]

You know, it's funny.

[Bobby Kelly]

The show is sponsored by BetterHelp Mental Health. And being healthy is very important. Not only is it important for yourself, it's important for your relationships. My relationship with family members over the years has gotten so much better, and it makes me happy. My son has a better life because of therapy, because I talked to somebody, because I got the stuff out. He can have a healthier life, too. World Mental Health Day is October this year, and BetterHelp is shining the spotlight on therapy therapists, people who truly make the world a better place because the right therapist can change everything. I know this because I got one. BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct. They're fully licensed in the U.S. go in there, you get matched up with a therapist that is right for you and focuses on your therapy goals. And if you're not happy with your match, just switch to a different therapist at any time. This World Mental Health Day, we're celebrating the therapists who've helped millions of people take a step forward. If you're ready to find the right therapist for you, BetterHelp can help you start that journey. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.combonfire. that's B E T-T E R H E L P.combonfire Morning, Zoe.

[Jeff Bridges]

Got donuts.

[Zoe]

Jeff Bridges, Why are you still living above our garage?

[Jeff Bridges]

Well, I dig the mattress, and I want to be in a T mobile commercial like you. Teach me.

[Tom Arnold]

So, Dana.

[Zoe]

Oh, no, I'm not really prepared. I couldn't possibly at t mobile get the new iPhone 17 Pro on them. It's designed to be the most powerful iPhone yet and has the ultimate pro camera system.

[Tom Arnold]

Wow.

[Jeff Bridges]

Impressive. Let me try. T Mobile is the best place to get iPhone 17 Pro because they've got the best network.

[Tom Arnold]

Nice.

[Zoe]

Jeffrey, you heard them.

[Tom Arnold]

T Mobile is the best place to get the new iPhone 17 Pro on us with eligible traded in any condition.

[Jeff Bridges]

So what are we having for lunch?

[Zoe]

Dude, my work here is done.

[T-Mobile Announcer]

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[Dave Smith]

Experiencing like the being a father now. Do you wish a part of you. I wish you had kids younger at all?

[Tom Arnold]

No, I think this is the exact right time. When I was 18, after high school, I worked for three years at a meat packing plant on the kill floor to save money. So I go to college because I'm like, if I get up to University of Iowa, they have a stage. I'll be famous in two. That's not how it works. But my. When I was 18, my 17 year old girlfriend who was still in high school told me she's pregnant. And I'm like, okay, that's it, man. That's how they. That's how these fuckers are, okay? Working here. They got families. So I go down. I lived in a tummy. Iowa, small southeast Iowa. I had to go to Memphis, Missouri, where her dad, who was like a six six, a farmer who hated me already. So I had to go to a. Sir, I'd like to ask for Tammy's handed marriage. We're having a baby and he, you know, he wanted to kill me. What's he gonna do? Then I found out she was lying. So relieved I go, I got a second chance, man. Right. Because my parents were 18.

[Dave Smith]

You have to have to go talk to the father for nothing.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah, she did.

[Dave Smith]

She was lying. She just wanted to get you killed by her father.

[Tom Arnold]

She did.

[Dave Smith]

She knew how to break up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wasn't that the B plot in Greece?

[Dave Smith]

Yeah. Rizzo.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dave Smith]

You were dating a young Rizzo. I got a. I did a. I did.

[Tom Arnold]

I did a movie with that.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's great.

[Dave Smith]

I did Stalker Channing. Yeah, I did all of my fathering through my 20s. Yeah, my daughter just turned 23.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you do it early. You either have the early and then you enjoy your 40s and 50s or you do what we did and then you're just lying on the floor.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah, but this is what it's meant to be.

[Dave Smith]

For me. But there's two. But there's different approaches to it too. My daughter so this before, she has every recollection of us being broke, of us figuring it out, and kind of hopefully has like an appreciation for those things. But there is something. Because, you know, you, Dave and Lewis are all have young children and are, you know, we're all around the, you know, the same era of age and it's much easier. Like, I don't see them stressed out as much because, like, they can handle shit.

[Bobby Kelly]

I wish they had that. You know what I mean? Because I just found a lacrosse stick. 850 lacrosse stick in the mud in the backyard, right. And I wanted to fight. I didn't even know what lacrosse was, I was so poor.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know what I mean?

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah. What is it?

[Bobby Kelly]

I told him before my mom, she goes, go in the backyard and play. I go with what? She handed me a spoon.

[Tom Arnold]

Oh, yeah. A big spoon or a little spoon?

[Bobby Kelly]

It was a big one.

[Tom Arnold]

Okay, then you can do a lot of damage. I did a lot.

[Dave Smith]

It became. Yeah, it became spoon.

[Tom Arnold]

Spoon.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's my friend spoon.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah.

[Dave Smith]

Bobby's friend's spoon.

[Tom Arnold]

I think when you're older, I buy. You don't take. I think in your 20s. Did you have a wife too? Like a backup? You have a wife, right? I have a wife that lives with you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, we married for 18 years.

[Tom Arnold]

That helps. You got a little bit of backup?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah, it helps.

[Tom Arnold]

But when you're. It's great because I started at 54 with the kids, because I. I don't take anything for granted. Like, who knows tomorrow, you know, I've had some health issues, the mom. But I will say I asked my daughter, hey, Mary went to Hawaii. She goes, no, but I remember when mom swatted us. She remembers that vividly. When your mom called the police, they swatted us. You know, they kind of choose. They don't like to remember the good things. She remembers when Santa apparently fell asleep and didn't eat his cookies or drink the milk or the Raybear did eat the baby carrots, which happened this year because Santa was fucking tired, man. There he was up and forgot to take bites out of the goddamn cookies. So she remembers that. That's.

[Dave Smith]

I. I'm interested. I gotta say, for a father to get full custody, be a single, single father. And that single father is Tom Arnold.

[Tom Arnold]

The.

[Dave Smith]

Tom Arnold's history.

[Tom Arnold]

Here's. Here's my thing. Ooh, fa.

[Dave Smith]

I gotta do a Wikipedia. I gotta do a Wikipedia dive on this ex wife.

[Tom Arnold]

Well, When I met her, I met her in a Passover Seder with only two singles Jews there. The woman said, oh, you guys gotta meet. And I looked at her and I'm like, she's batshit crazy. But there's something about her. She's tenacious. She's like, I want to have children. I didn't go, why? I don't care. She's like a Terminator. She's going to do whatever it takes. And that's. That's really what happened. Like, she was, you know, that. So that's all I, you know, I'm so grateful. Had my son and, you know, there was no sex. I had to. It was from IVF, which is. And so very. I tried 23 IVFs with my first three wives. And God bless it for trying, because that's a, you know, thank you. I wish I had that money back. But this one, I said, we're not doing ivf because sometimes it goes good, then it doesn't. I don't want to put pressure on you. You got to take the hormone shots. Like, I'm doing ivf. You. I don't hold the baggage you're passing against you. Why? Why are you holding it against me? So I'm like, shit. So we do IVF three times. That's a 23. We go down the fertility guide. Dr. Richard Mars in Santa Monica, a very kind of a genius event at Ixi where they take a needle that's the size of once, pull out one sperm, then they stick it into the egg. So I'm closing up. Shot 23 times. We're going to adopt or get a sperm donor. I was always up for the sperm donor because there's a documentary series about my little sister called the Queen of Meth. And my little sister was the biggest drug dealer in America. People are like, was it embarrassing having your sister be a drug dealer? And I'm like, like now when I was doing drugs, it wasn't fucking embarrassing. It was pretty. But you get a.

[Dave Smith]

Even now, it's pretty dope.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah. You get an idea of what my childhood was like. Not ideal. So we're saying goodbye to the doc, and Shaquille o' Neal was my next door neighbor. Old time, played for the Lakers. And that dude makes. He's a great guy. Makes beautiful children. And I'd be out there. We lived on a cul de sac. I'd see Shaq out there with his kids. And when I grew up at a farm in Iowa, if you want to borrow a cup of sugar for Your neighbor? Yeah. You take a couple. Hey, neighbor. Can have a cup of sugar? Sure. Thank you, Tom. Here you go. And I had those little cups for the fertility clinic. And I'd look at Shaq. I'm like, I gotta fucking sack up and get a cup of shackle.

[Bobby Kelly]

He just wakes up next to. He wakes up next to his pool, and Tom is just jerking him off.

[Tom Arnold]

Oh, yeah, yeah, I do that. I would do that.

[Dave Smith]

Oh, no, not this again.

[Tom Arnold]

But so we go in there to kind of close out my 25 or 30 year account, and I say, doc, you've done everything humanly possible. She certainly has. And I noticed she's crying. And I'm like, God damn it. You know, when your wife cries, you're like, fuck, did I do that? Even if I didn't, I gotta fix it. Otherwise I'll never be able to watch sports. I mean, it's gonna be a whole thing. So I said. I got nervous. I said, doc, you know what? She's done everything. When science catches up and there's something you could do on a man, I'm gonna be back in here. And he's like, well, Tom, there is something I'd like to try to man. I go, okay, what is it? He goes, let's think about splitting your scrotum open, taking your testicles out of there there. Taking a needle right into your testicle in case it's your tubing that's a problem. And I'm like, okay, run that by me. The. At all you saw me showboat for my old lady. Just tell me I have to have a completely wasted, worthless surgery to prove I'm in it as much as she is. And she's like, will you do that for us, honey? I'm like, you got that right. Because as you know, surgery is also a snow day if you're sober. Because before they cut your nuts back, they're like, and now we're going to give you something to relax you. And you're like. Like, you fucking right you are, man. Give me it all but that they honest. God. They found one sperm, they put it with one of her eggs, and then nine months later, my son was born.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that's great.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah. Now I'm gonna try and be. Because I don't wanna keep you guys all day. My. Okay, so we're broke up. We're nowhere near. We're no. And she calls buddy Tyler Henry. Hollywood media wants to do his show, and I want to get a psychic reading. She does a lot of psychic reading, though. Therapy and I'm always looking for that moment of grace for her when she stops cop stuff. And, you know, a judge wrote a court order. You could read it. It's public record. It says, you cannot call the police for. For under any circumstance, for any reason anymore because she was calling him so much on me and the kids. So. So she, like. I go, what is the medium? So, like, he talks to dead people. I go, does he? On tv. Okay, I'll do that for you and Tyler. Do you know who Tyler had. Is.

[Dave Smith]

Yeah.

[Tom Arnold]

Like, I was very skeptical, but he's like a legitimate guy. So he comes to the house, he does this right? When he walks to my house, your mother is here, and she is sorry, but you can say to anybody's fucking house, oh, my God, thank you. But he obviously did know my mother. But at the end, he does the psyche stuff. And this is on camera. You know, reality TVs can be very much. But this happened. He scratched. He does illegal patches. He goes, do you have any psychic questions? I go, yes, Tyler. Are she and I. That lady way the over there. Are we gonna have any more kids? And I know it's physiologically impossible. He goes, yes. And I'm like, okay, I'm gonna put my boot on his neck. Now. Tyler is gonna be a boy or a girl? And he goes, a girl. And I look at her. She's even kind of. He's full of like, just. She's never agreed with me about anything. So I. I walk about a Very nice. I go up to her, okay, well, buddy, you know, because she's got a lot of log wingspan. She's six, you know, small wood. She's a kicker. So three days later. Yes, she's fucking kicking. That's why I have single mom friends. Because your kids need to see someone being nice to you. Otherwise they'll think all women want to fucking kick you and punch you and call the cops and threaten you. So three days later, I'm in my office, I get a call from a cryo bank in Long Beach, California. They're like, you owe us $2,700. We can't find your new business manager. I go, why do I owe you $2,700? We have a frozen embryo from six years ago down here. And my ex, to her credit, I don't care what her motivation is, gets in her truck 100 miles an hour down there. They shoot that little ice cube up for hoo ha. And nine months later, my daughter is born. How crazy is that?

[Dave Smith]

I think that this medium kid Told you that. Ran down to the sperm bank, donated his own sperm.

[Tom Arnold]

Boom.

[Dave Smith]

Told him to call you. This is the long grift.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dave Smith]

It's the long game he played.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You need to see if your daughter can talk to the spirits.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah, that's a good idea. Well, Roseanne and I went to. Because Spurbanks. I'll tell you about the guy. And I pick out a guy like, he's six, seven, maybe junior high education. Then Roseanne would go for these short little guys who went to Harvard. We could never decide on what we wanted to do. My thing was like, let's just get a giant kid over here. Yeah, get a giant kid. That's a nice thing.

[Dave Smith]

It's so funny that your relationship with Roseanne is. It's demonized in so many ways, obviously. But. But it looked like for a minute you guys were having a fun.

[Tom Arnold]

Oh, we had a lot of fun.

[Dave Smith]

Like, you guys were really Bonnie and fighting. Everybody turned on you.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah. And you guys were like, yeah, fuck you.

[Dave Smith]

It was like such a fun thing to be a part, especially when you. When you know. Now that you've come out on the.

[Tom Arnold]

Other side of it. Yeah. Well, we met when I was 23. I lived in Midwest. I started doing comedy in Minneapolis. They had clubs up there. And the club owner's like, I bet I saw a woman in Denver, you know, she wasn't famous yet, but he said, she's awesome. You guys will hit it all. She's coming in next week. Do you guys do the show? And she was so such a great fucking comedian. Like, I never seen anything like it. She was so different than me, too. You know, she was older, she had a family, but. But she was super liberal, you know, feminist, all that stuff. And I just come from a meat packing plant. And so she liked that because I would defend her. But we worked together that we borrowed the emcee's car. Liz Winstead. Do you know who she is? Sure. Yeah. Ask her about this. We're like, we didn't have car. Liz, can we borrow your car? We never came back. Like, a week later, she'd look at my. We part went out partying so fucking hard. And then we would get together every three months and go do shows somewhere. I started writing her jokes for Johnny Carson. What a great honor to see you. Somebody do your. Your joke that you wrote on Johnny Carson. Yeah. So we partied a lot. Then it came time. She had an HBO Special, 1 minute to play her dream husband. So I went out to la, did it. Then she Got the show. She goes first, she wanted me to be the husband on Roseanne. And I'm like, I don't know if I'm qualified for that. I'll just write, you know. So that's why I went out there to write. I brought my fiance from Minneapolis. Either have a lot of fiance's or wives. And I had no idea that Roseanne liked me. And the second year of the show, fiance laughed, of course. And she's like, hey, nobody likes either one of us. We should get married. And I'm like, that's solid. That is solid. But we had fun. You could see videos of what I was like 28, fighting. Because she'd be like, my mullet, my bullet. She'd be like, get that guy. I do it, get arrested, just all kinds of stupid shit. But it's funny to watch now. But yeah, it was very good for Wabi. We really were the only people that liked each other genuinely. And you caused a lot of trouble back then. He had a lot of power. If we called the news, they'd put us live on the news.

[Dave Smith]

That's what I was saying. She was all, do you think, was she running from something? Was she trying to like, you know, because again, I wonder, like, did she like kind of lock down her life younger and then started to get money and success and was like, wanted to go wild a little bit?

[Tom Arnold]

Well, she definitely locked down her life earlier. And if you read her book, there's her husband cheated on her and came home and said it was sitting on the shitters and said, I cheated on you because you're fat. And she lost £100 immediately and went cheated with every dude she could just about. If she was playing a long game, man.

[Dave Smith]

Pardon me one second. Christine, I'm seeing other women because you're fat.

[Tom Arnold]

Can you imagine, man, saying that to anyone? You know, I like big. You know I like it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, My wife was the bottom of the pyramid on the cheerleaders.

[Dave Smith]

Christine was a flag girl.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah, Christine, you look great.

[Dave Smith]

I'm teasing you.

[Tom Arnold]

We had a, a lot of. I mean, I remember she's like, oh, my God, we're in the National Enquirer. Because we'd read it growing up. We're like, oh, shit, this is great. Well, what are we there every week? Let's get in there. We can control that. Let's do crazy shit. And then eventually you can't control it because they want something back. And I think that we, we had a great time, but then we started focusing more on what's out here instead of what, our home? And so we married four and a half years. It was like 45, though. I don't. I can't tell people how long to be married. They went through that weird area at the Ed where I was waiting for her to file for divorce out of respect. She was waiting for me. And that's a gray area where you both decided not to be married anymore. And that's when funky shit could happen, because you get that gray area. And then I was like, I want her to have a boyfriend or husband. Because then I know I won't go back with her. Yeah. And I hired this bodyguard band to help Thomas, who worked at a donut shop. I sent it to Mossad bodyguard school. She was the state. And so we were. She'd filed for divorce, very public. Said all kinds of horrible things about me. Then she immediately took it back publicly and said her lawyer did it. So. But once I saw that, I'm like, I'm gonna tread a little lightly on this shit. And she. We were supposed to go to Sardinia for the summer. And we had this place right up above, beautiful, overlooking the ocean or whatever. And I hadn't finished my show. I said, I'll meet you there. I'm gonna do another week on the Tom show, or Tom or whatever it's called. And so I got a call for the national Guire guy, who by now is our friend. He said, she's walking around Rome with Ben holding hands. And I'm like, I gotta see that. I gotta see it. So my brother and I, we fly over there. Yeah, we land in Rome, we get one off duty cop with a gun. Because Sardinia is the wild west back then. We're like, we're gonna go to our place in Sardinia, relax a little bit. Then I'll try to figure out how to talk to her, see? And as soon as we land, three cars full of guys with Uzis surround us and said, she wants to see you now. And so, like, I guess we're going up there.

[Dave Smith]

What did she become, the queen of that place?

[Tom Arnold]

Yes.

[Dave Smith]

She mean the empress of Sardinia.

[Tom Arnold]

Yes. So we go up there and it's over at the. The. Thank God the. The national choir guy was there with a telephone lens, because if I'd have gotten murdered, then he could have. But we go up there and I. I walk up there, I said, are you Ben? And she looked down and said, no. And I knew she was. I swear to God, I was so relieved. So then I go walk. There's bed, big bed. And I'm like, I gotta put a move on this guy. Like, he was genuinely scared of me. He thought this. So I did that. Got that? We get back down. Our. My bodyguard, who is. He says, women do not do that in our culture. You know, I could do something to them for $100,000, we would arrest him when he comes back to Rome. On the way back to the U.S. we plant drugs on him. He would never get out of prison. I'm like, no, no, don't do that. Because I know I'll go back with her. And so my brother, who's, you know, pretty crazy, he says he pulls out $10,000. What will you do for this? So when they went back and, you know, they take pictures, stuff, and eight cops. I said, don't touch her. You know, do whatever you want to.

[Bobby Kelly]

But Ben.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah, man. They show these cops all of a sudden, with copy, like, it's in front of everybody. Tackle them, take in the back. Full body cavity search. They missed their flight. And I'm like, that is. I'm sure it's illegal, but that was satisfying. You know, like, that's not too much.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do they still do that? Because I would like that.

[Dave Smith]

When he came home, he was like, how was sardines Roseanne like? Anything else? No, no. Nothing of mention.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm getting that word that Tom's gonna get out of here. Oh, yeah.

[Tom Arnold]

Well, I've had so much fun with you guys. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Come back in next time. Come back on for the show.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah, I'm a big fan of the show. 103. Bam, bam, bam. You know, 107 is. Is Dateline. Yeah. And if you're right there, Dateline. Shit going down.

[Dave Smith]

I listen to true crime as well.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah. A lot of women that poisoned her husband were so easy to kill. All you gotta do is poison our food. Little by little, we'll keep eating it even though we know it's up. We don't want to hurt your feelings. You made it for us. And it takes about three days of antifreeze that you're like, okay, yeah, like.

[Dave Smith]

This tastes like soap.

[Tom Arnold]

Yeah. You know, I'm not gonna hurt feelings.

[Bobby Kelly]

Tom Arnold is coming on tour with my crazy ex wife tour. It's all over the place. He's gonna be October 8th. Rodney's right here in New York. He's going to Governor's October 9th, and then he's going to. On Governor's in Belmore. And then he's going October 10th, Uncle Vinny. And he's gonna do Point Pleasant Comedy club. She Wrote it all weird.

[Dave Smith]

Anyways. It was kind of weird.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's weird. Anyway, he's around New York right now and Jersey. Go see him right now. These are really great comedy clubs and enjoy yourself, buddy. Good luck on the tour. Thank you again.

[Tom Arnold]

This is my meeting today. This is two of us here.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, good. Three, actually. Three?

[Tom Arnold]

Oh, yeah, that's right. What year? Madison. A week ago, he was.

[Dave Smith]

Christine.

[Tom Arnold]

Oh, she's What?

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Tom Arnold]

I said, can we break so we can take a picture?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, my God, Yes. We're gonna break and take a picture. I hate hand gestures.

[Tom Arnold]

What does that mean?

[Bobby Kelly]

We'll be right back.

[Nikki and Bri]

Hey, everyone, it's Nikki and Bri. And we're here to let you know that we have a podcast, the Nicki and Bri Show.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Nikki and Bri]

And we've got new episodes every Monday and Thursday. We're serving up real deal conversations that go beyond the camera. Think Motherhood Confessions, Sisterhood vibes, Boss business energy, and tv. Live tea. Need a laugh? We got you craving inspo. We got inspiration and affirmations on deck. Want a little cry or a big Heck yes. That's our jam. Whether we're breaking down pop culture, sharing parenting wins or fails, unpacking personal growth, or just riffing on everyday chaos, and nothing is off limits. Plus, we welcome incredible guests, play our favorite games, and do what only sisters can. Keep it 100 while raising a glass together. So pop a bottle, hit play, and come hang with us. Listen to the Nikki and Bree show wherever you get your podcast.

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