Daddy Dandy

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Daddy Dandy" The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly
Host/Author: SiriusXM
Release Date: February 7, 2025
Episode Title: Daddy Dandy

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Introduction

In the "Daddy Dandy" episode of The Bonfire, hosts Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly engage in their trademark blend of blunt and candid humor. Joined by guest Dan Soder, the trio navigates a range of topics from fitness mishaps to controversial discussions on adoption, all delivered with their unique comedic flair.

Beef Sticks vs. Sausages Debate

The episode kicks off with a humorous debate about beef sticks and sausages, where Jay challenges Dan's classification of beef sticks as sausages.

[05:24] Jay Oakerson: "I think you're getting a bad one though. I might have got a bad one."

Dan humorously defends the product while Jay persists in questioning its legitimacy.

[07:17] Dan Soder: "Look up the ingredients and chomps Original beef sticks, please."

The conversation spirals into exaggerated claims about the quality and marketing of beef snacks, showcasing the hosts' ability to turn a simple topic into a comedic debate.

Adoption Discussion

Shifting gears, the hosts delve into a satirical discussion about adoption, presenting it in an absurd and controversial light. They mock the adoption process by likening it to an auction and making inappropriate jokes about adopting children.

[24:08] Dan Soder: "Alicia is a very special and very sweet young lady who is looking for her forever family."

The conversation includes exaggerated and offensive humor, touching on sensitive subjects with a comedic twist, which is typical of the show's edgy style.

[34:14] Jay Oakerson: "You're gonna tend to the sheets. I'm gonna iron my bow ties."

This segment highlights the hosts' penchant for pushing boundaries, blending dark humor with lighthearted banter.

Bidet and Bathroom Habits

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to an in-depth and humorous discussion about bidets and bathroom hygiene. The hosts share personal anecdotes and playful advice on using bidets effectively.

[43:27] Jay Oakerson: "I don't know if it means that, but yes, I'm pretty sure."

[50:01] Jay Oakerson: "I just never dare to do it."

They explore the functionalities of different bidet models, sharing laughs over their experiences and preferences.

[52:03] Dan Soder: "A vortex wash refers to a particularly strong high-pressure water stream designed to provide a more thorough clean."

This segment combines practical information with the hosts' signature humor, making an ordinary topic entertaining.

Additional Banter and Humor

Throughout the episode, Jay, Robert, and Dan engage in rapid-fire exchanges filled with inside jokes, playful insults, and comedic observations about everyday life. Topics range from workout struggles to frustrations with household appliances.

[41:29] Jay Oakerson: "I saved my ass."

[48:16] Dan Soder: "Dinohunter."

These moments exemplify the hosts' chemistry and ability to maintain an engaging and lively conversation.

Conclusion

"Daddy Dandy" encapsulates The Bonfire's essence—combining candid discussions with irreverent humor. While tackling a variety of topics, the hosts maintain their comedic rhythm, ensuring that listeners are both entertained and engaged throughout the episode.

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Notable Quotes:

• [05:24] Jay Oakerson: "I think you're getting a bad one though. I might have got a bad one."

• [24:08] Dan Soder: "Alicia is a very special and very sweet young lady who is looking for her forever family."

• [43:27] Jay Oakerson: "I don't know if it means that, but yes, I'm pretty sure."

• [52:03] Dan Soder: "A vortex wash refers to a particularly strong high-pressure water stream designed to provide a more thorough clean."

• [41:29] Jay Oakerson: "I saved my ass."

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Disclaimer: This summary captures the humorous and edgy nature of the "Daddy Dandy" episode. Some discussions contain mature themes and offensive language intended for comedic purposes within the context of the show.

Transcript

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[Dan Soder]

And now the bonfire with Big.

[Jay Oakerson]

J Okerson and Robert Kelly. Dude, how can people keep saying that you're a fucking. Do you hear what they're saying about you?

[Dan Soder]

About me?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. No, dude, you're, you're. You don't hear it? You haven't heard it yet?

[Dan Soder]

Are you just making a thing up?

[Jay Oakerson]

No, I swear to God, dude, I was. Last night I got sent. Dude, you're all that in a bag of chips. Have you heard that people were saying that about you? No, I'm just letting you know, dude.

[Dan Soder]

Word is that I'm all in a bag of chips.

[Jay Oakerson]

The word on the streets. All that in a bag of chips.

[Dan Soder]

How'd you get that? When you were. Your insides were falling to your outsides all night.

[Jay Oakerson]

Ah, dude, I was thinking about chips all night. I was starving. Buddy, last night was so bad. I was thinking of you. I almost called you because you went through this.

[Dan Soder]

Sure.

[Jay Oakerson]

Recently, it was so bad. And I did. Here's where I got. Because I did the gay band workout with, you know, Jacob and the boys.

[Dan Soder]

You're not supposed to jazz or size.

[Robert Kelly]

Turns out it was too tough.

[Dan Soder]

You're supposed to crank iron, dude. Pump iron. You're not supposed to be.

[Jay Oakerson]

I was screaming. I had to go. I had to go poop. So I had to sit down, but it was all bum legs. So every time I had to, like, literally explode, I had to just push down and go and work through the pain.

[Dan Soder]

Ouch.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then I would have get up like slowly. What?

[Robert Kelly]

That means you can have glutes of steel. Yeah, the pain is good. Every time I. Every time I have my leg workout the next day, my legs kill me. I love it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

You know you've done the work.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you put in the work.

[Jay Oakerson]

Terrible.

[Robert Kelly]

Not sore, buddy. You didn't do anything.

[Jay Oakerson]

I pooed 75 times last night.

[Dan Soder]

You think it's because of exercise?

[Jay Oakerson]

What, the poop?

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. No, that's from their legs hurt because of the workout. Look at the sucked. Because the workout.

[Jay Oakerson]

Taking poopies last night. And I'll say poopies, cuz you know, we're a family friend friendly show.

[Dan Soder]

Absolutely.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's early.

[Dan Soder]

We are still daylight.

[Jay Oakerson]

Daylight. Jesus. Light outside. Dude, I. I just. Every time I went to sit, I had to and push down to get through the pain of the. What is it? Acid, Whatever. What?

[Dan Soder]

From his lactic acid.

[Jay Oakerson]

Lactic acid from his zoom workout makes me so happy.

[Dan Soder]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

I. And not that you're in pain, but the pain means I did my job.

[Dan Soder]

You're gonna put those bands on again, huh? You never do those.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm doing it Saturday.

[Jay Oakerson]

Settle down, dude. Don't wrap me up.

[Robert Kelly]

No, me and Lou.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, yeah, Lou, your band workout?

[Jay Oakerson]

Kind of, yeah. It was my first time. First time I did it without the band.

[Dan Soder]

You didn't do it with a band at all?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it was the mime.

[Robert Kelly]

First time he mimed, I had.

[Jay Oakerson]

I had dumbbells. I didn't have a band either.

[Dan Soder]

You're the only one with bands.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, I got my bands.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm trying to ease Lou into it. So I know I didn't want him to just start. I'm not going to be that guy that's crushed that he's got to crush it and that he's going to give up because it was too hard the first day.

[Jay Oakerson]

So nobody's worried about you being that guy?

[Dan Soder]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't understand the motivator I am.

[Jay Oakerson]

I do.

[Dan Soder]

Of course I do. I could hear in your voice, dude, you get to the core of it.

[Robert Kelly]

I think you're.

[Jay Oakerson]

You take.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I think you're making a joke. But I'm a fantastic.

[Dan Soder]

No, I believe you. I make a joke because you're going like, I don't think. No. And everybody here is going to do as I say and we're going to. We're going to kill it today. You're supposed to be like, come on, boys, let's go. Two more. You got two more in you.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm an inspiration, Jay.

[Jay Oakerson]

You hear a lot of this in.

[Robert Kelly]

During the workout. I'M an inspiration.

[Dan Soder]

What do you say?

[Robert Kelly]

Well, you do hear me moan. Because you'll hear me moan.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's that. It's that. That's. That's what it sounds like.

[Robert Kelly]

But I give. Lou. I'll tell Lou. Lou, keep your back straight. Bend with your knees.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I want to tell you to shut the up, but I don't.

[Robert Kelly]

You can't.

[Dan Soder]

You can't tell them.

[Robert Kelly]

You have to take it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I wouldn't do it without you, Jacob, so thank you.

[Dan Soder]

He's making sure you grind. Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Rise and grind.

[Robert Kelly]

You wanna. You wanna get the most out of the workout.

[Dan Soder]

He does all right.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I wasn't pain the way Bobby was in pain, but I. Shit fine.

[Robert Kelly]

You were miming.

[Jay Oakerson]

Not this time.

[Dan Soder]

Bobby, your stomach problems begin and end completely with the fact you keep calling beef sticks from the cash register store sausages.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, they're from the serious snack department. They're serious sausages.

[Dan Soder]

Well, they're trying to kill us. They can only fire so many people.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think so.

[Dan Soder]

They can only do so many layoffs before they just start trying to kill us internally with their snacks. You know what? Get these sun chips out of here.

[Jay Oakerson]

Have you ever eaten.

[Dan Soder]

You see needle holes in those sun chips.

[Jay Oakerson]

Have you ever eaten something and you're like. Like, immediately. Like, I think it. As soon as I took the. I think it was the third sausage.

[Dan Soder]

Nope. Start the sentence over.

[Jay Oakerson]

As soon as I ate the third sausage.

[Dan Soder]

It's not a sausage.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's a sausage.

[Dan Soder]

Stop calling it a sausage.

[Jay Oakerson]

What do you. Why are you called.

[Dan Soder]

Sausage Implies some sort of, like, craftsmanship in, like. In, like, cooking something culinary where they're making a sausage at a. So you know, it's like. I know it's a casing and all that stuff. You didn't do it. You opened it by. You don't eat sausages out of something that has the words peel here on it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely. That is absolutely wrong. Some of the greatest sausages in the world have peel here.

[Dan Soder]

This is Peel here. That's good for you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I just. I beg to differ. Just because you're all that in a bag of chips doesn't.

[Dan Soder]

Is that the word?

[Jay Oakerson]

That's the word. I heard a person. Nashville, dude. It's not. It's. It's a sausage.

[Dan Soder]

It's not.

[Robert Kelly]

It's not.

[Jay Oakerson]

What is it?

[Christine]

Like, jerky?

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. Tommy's beef sticks.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're being jerky.

[Dan Soder]

Call it a sausage, and then I bet it says the. What's the thing inside of Slim Jim's sausage? A mechanically separated Is this one of them?

[Jay Oakerson]

What does it say?

[Dan Soder]

This is one of the ones you got was.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, that's.

[Christine]

Is that chomps?

[Dan Soder]

It's the same brand and everything?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

I got a green one.

[Dan Soder]

Don't make it like the green. She'll go with the green is. See what's different about the green?

[Jay Oakerson]

It's gross.

[Dan Soder]

Grass fed.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

And finished beef sausage. Nope.

[Jay Oakerson]

It says sausage on the thing. Does it say sausage?

[Dan Soder]

Not anywhere at all. Now the first thing I'm going to look at is a picture of a cow.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

And then the words original beef stick. Chomps made with grass fed and finished beef all stick without the ick.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. And if that was in Italian, it would have been like beef sausage.

[Dan Soder]

100 calories.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's a. It's a.

[Robert Kelly]

As far as it goes, it sounds healthy, but I think it's that it is processed or cured. And you had three of them.

[Jay Oakerson]

I might have got a bad one though. I might. I don't know. I had burps. The whole. I had three of those. Sausage.

[Robert Kelly]

You also had breakfast.

[Dan Soder]

And can you look up the.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jeremy considered a type of boom. Do you take your mitten off and slap yourself in the face?

[Dan Soder]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

How's that?

[Dan Soder]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why don't you challenge yourself to a duel?

[Dan Soder]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

I bammed you. Thank you for.

[Christine]

Christine, I just asked are beef sticks considered something Sausage all of a sudden.

[Dan Soder]

Who learns how to use a computer all sage all of a sudden. I can't get to look at one thing that make a point for me ever.

[Jay Oakerson]

Sausage.

[Dan Soder]

Christine, look up the ingredients and chomps Original beef sticks, please.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Green one. It's. Something happened.

[Dan Soder]

I've never gotten sick from Slim Jims. I like Slim Jim in the small. In the short term, I like the little babies.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's when I got the little tiny sausage. But is Slim Jim a sausage? Sure.

[Dan Soder]

You're crazy.

[Jay Oakerson]

Slim Jim is a. Is a brand name. Sussy.

[Dan Soder]

It's not a sausage.

[Jay Oakerson]

It is from the sausage family.

[Dan Soder]

Look up a Slim Jim. A sausage from the sausage family. She's only gonna bring magically. She'll only be able to find it if it's negative towards me.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes. It's a type of smoked sauce. Boom. What's up? Suck my sausage.

[Dan Soder]

No lose. Just trying to get back on the good thing. Grass fed and finished beef. Water. Less than 2% of encapsulated lactic acid. That's the stuff from your butt and legs, Bobby. Yeah. Sea salt, cultured celery powder, cherry powder, black pepper, red pepper, garlic powder, coriander stuffed in a.

[Robert Kelly]

It's pretty good beef.

[Dan Soder]

Collagen casing. It's not that bad, Bobby. So I'm gonna tell you something, Bobby, this isn't your problem. It turns out your beef stick was fine.

[Jay Oakerson]

It might have been bad. A bad one, or somebody took it and stuck it in their butt and then put it back.

[Dan Soder]

Well, we said maybe. Serious is trying to kill us.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, they might have been trying to take me out.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, they need a reason to pay for these cameras.

[Jay Oakerson]

What Cameras? We have cameras?

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Where's Paco? Oh, yeah, I need Paco here.

[Dan Soder]

That's my favorite.

[Robert Kelly]

We gotta have to hack into these cameras if we want to use them.

[Dan Soder]

That's my favorite. When they call, they go. They fired the video team. I went, paco. They said, no, the video team. There's a video team here? Why are we paying for our own videos?

[Jay Oakerson]

What are they going to do with all these, like. Okay, what? All these cameras, all this tricasters, all this room, this video, this. There's a television studio here. What are they gonna do with that?

[Dan Soder]

Well, I'd say mortgage it so you could pay. Call her daddy without a lawsuit is how I would play it personally. You're gonna have to fucking sell this shit on the secondhand market. We're gonna have to get these 4Ks out there. Maybe I'll throw them in my studio.

[Jay Oakerson]

If they paid her, you think they'll.

[Dan Soder]

Give them to me just to have them out of here? There's no one using them.

[Jay Oakerson]

We could cut.

[Dan Soder]

There's such expensive, high powered cameras for zero use.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's crazy.

[Dan Soder]

There's a control room for them.

[Jay Oakerson]

They're $10,000 cameras. They're in every single studio on this floor, and I've never seen them used.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. Why did you hire. Fired a team that kept this stuff?

[Robert Kelly]

The bay is upstairs by my office.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, we got to have an estate sale here. Here's what me and Bobby figured out, though, through talks. They said they did the big layoffs over here at Sierra 6M. It's happened several times.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Throughout my career. So I can only assume me and Bobby as talent, are super, super necessary.

[Jay Oakerson]

Here we are locked in.

[Dan Soder]

I think we basically hold the ball in our court.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

And I told you my first negotiation. $124 million.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

And I'll let you know that my. My manager has put that offer in for us to come back for $125 million. $24 million. I'll tell you guys. Jacob, stop typing for a second. Everyone gets a Million a year if me and Bobby get our $124 million. Now, before you get excited or warm in the heart too much, how do you feel about it's never gonna happen?

[Jay Oakerson]

How do you feel about that?

[Robert Kelly]

I'm excited.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're getting a million a year. What are you gonna buy with that first? Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

A hat.

[Robert Kelly]

Probably a hat. He knows me. And then the boots.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then the boots and then boots and then a knife and then a horse.

[Dan Soder]

Well, yeah, you don't want to get all the stuff when you get to the ranch you're going to buy. You want to have that stuff when you get to the ranch.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't want to look like a.

[Dan Soder]

Jerk off you do not want to.

[Robert Kelly]

Look at when you get there.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, you're definitely going to want some.

[Christine]

Jimmy Carr suits too.

[Robert Kelly]

Bespoke.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, maybe a good thermos.

[Robert Kelly]

I got my tailor picked out and everything. Jimmy actually put me in touch with his guy.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, that's right. You're going to be a gentleman rancher.

[Jay Oakerson]

I say there's two Jacobs.

[Robert Kelly]

There's the English countryside and then there's the American.

[Dan Soder]

Jacob, let me tell you something. Someone who maybe has some insight on this or a little closer to the million dollars a year is not going to get you all those things you're talking about. I don't know if you know how taxes work or anything, but.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I sure do.

[Dan Soder]

You're going to have to pick rancher or English countryside. You can flourish in either one of those worlds, but you're going to pick one lifestyle.

[Jay Oakerson]

I would pick.

[Dan Soder]

A million dollars a year. Isn't a 2 lifestyle wage anymore.

[Jay Oakerson]

If I can throw my.

[Robert Kelly]

England's not doing too well these days.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're more England than, than.

[Robert Kelly]

Don't say that.

[Jay Oakerson]

I would say that. You would.

[Dan Soder]

I agree. We've said this. You're more dandy than tough guy.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I didn't like that at all.

[Dan Soder]

No, no, but it's good. You're going to be such a good dandy, though.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you're a dandy. You're a dandy, dude.

[Dan Soder]

Sunday day, house tie.

[Robert Kelly]

Raise your hand if you worked on a horse farm for an entire summer. You're lying.

[Jay Oakerson]

I worked on a farm with horses.

[Dan Soder]

You got to say it with. From the diaphragm if you want us to believe it.

[Jay Oakerson]

All right, let me do it again.

[Dan Soder]

You trailed off on that.

[Jay Oakerson]

I threw up all night and I. All night.

[Dan Soder]

Dinosaur.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I worked. I worked at a farm in Rochester, New York, and they had horses and cows and sheep and peacocks didn't you.

[Dan Soder]

Go there and cry recently?

[Jay Oakerson]

No. I thought.

[Dan Soder]

I thought a guy took you there.

[Jay Oakerson]

You know what? I told you that in our fucking cone of silence, was it? Well, no, but I thought you wouldn't bring it up on air that I was emotional.

[Dan Soder]

He took you to the farm where you got beaten and raped by the ranchers.

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Dan Soder]

You were a bad kid.

[Jay Oakerson]

I was not get beaten, raped to lesbian.

[Dan Soder]

Bobby, it wasn't your fault.

[Jay Oakerson]

It wasn't my fault. Cuz it didn't happen.

[Dan Soder]

Bobby, it wasn't your fault.

[Jay Oakerson]

I didn't get raped.

[Dan Soder]

Now she gave me your number. How do you like them apples? I just. I only speak to Boston people in lines from Goodwill hunting.

[Jay Oakerson]

You really are all that in a bag of chips. It's. They're right about you.

[Dan Soder]

Words out.

[Jay Oakerson]

Word is out. Dude. Jacob. I say we buy him a picnic basket with a. That turns into a table.

[Dan Soder]

Okay, that's dandy.

[Jay Oakerson]

What do you think? Jacob, get off your stupid computer and talk to us.

[Robert Kelly]

I have to type in the. The mocking things that you're saying.

[Dan Soder]

What'd you type in? Dandy? Jacob. That's a good bit. What do you mean that's good for though? I'm seeing that on my computer screen. I'm calling. I see my computers or not my computer. My. My little screen in the car. And I see it. The Bonfire XL station. Dandy. Jacob.

[Jay Oakerson]

I love it. Oh, I think that's a shirt.

[Robert Kelly]

I have to cut the. I do the edit the best of the week for Fridays. So I edit Wednesday and Thursday and then so I'm going through my notes and then I'll come across something like this. I'll see. Jay calls Jacob a dandy. And I just go like this in my apartment.

[Dan Soder]

But there's no reason to go there. Jacob. Jacob. One half of you yearns to be a dandy.

[Robert Kelly]

No, you're not. You're. You're. It's not dandy is you. You don't know the definition of a dandy.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. You taking Jimmy Carr as your first pick in a group street fighter?

[Robert Kelly]

Jimmy Carr is not a dandy. Jimmy Carr is an English gentleman. A dandy is a guy who dresses out loudly, colors that. That's not me. I'm a rugged English countryside.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, but English gentleman's not funnier. Calling you a dandy's fun.

[Robert Kelly]

It is funny because what a dandy is. It's funny because it hurts.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

They dress like loud jerk offs.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. We talk about. Jacob. This is what you want to do. You think this Guy doesn't use a brush to shave. He does.

[Christine]

This is. This is a You of that time.

[Dan Soder]

Go back, go down. This is. Give me this description. A dandy is a man who places particular importance upon physical appearance, personal grooming, refined language and leisurely hobbies. Jacob, you are by definition a dandy.

[Jay Oakerson]

They're dandy.

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

Congratulations. Jacob said dandy. Dandy.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, dandy boy.

[Robert Kelly]

I've always been classic attire.

[Christine]

Your definition might be different from the actual definition.

[Robert Kelly]

You're wrong.

[Christine]

But this is what differs from your.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it's classical gentleman dress. That's timeless. That doesn't change. My dress is.

[Jay Oakerson]

I could buy.

[Dan Soder]

You're arguing with. You're arguing with. With a definition of a word.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Almighty Google.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, you got burned. She pulled up something you didn't like, I guess. I don't like this either.

[Dan Soder]

Sausages, I guess.

[Robert Kelly]

Stabbing both of us in the back today.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jay.

[Christine]

Guys, I'm just.

[Robert Kelly]

Talk to your woman.

[Christine]

I'm the messenger.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jay. He's not acting very dandy. Like right now.

[Dan Soder]

This isn't dandy at all. This is. Abusive stepfather. Western.

[Robert Kelly]

Western Ranch.

[Dan Soder]

You're freaking Bobby out. You're taking it back to the farm. Bobby.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

It wasn't your fault.

[Jay Oakerson]

Are you sure?

[Dan Soder]

It wasn't your fault at all. It wasn't your fault at all. You went to that farm to get better and those people. You were a boy and he was a man.

[Robert Kelly]

Make sure Bobby gives you the. The number for that handyman. Jason's. You won't be able to fix a thing in your house when it breaks.

[Dan Soder]

Not wrong about that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Shots fired.

[Dan Soder]

Although I've really bat around the idea of changing a doorknob on a closet. I think I'm gonna nail it. A dandy. A man unduly devoted to style.

[Robert Kelly]

That's the opposite of me. Then why it's not style.

[Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

Fashion.

[Jay Oakerson]

What do you call it?

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not into fashion. I'm into classical attire.

[Dan Soder]

Styles. It is a fashion. It's a style.

[Robert Kelly]

Style.

[Jay Oakerson]

Right.

[Robert Kelly]

A particular style.

[Dan Soder]

Yes. You like a style?

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why are you fighting this? If you could have an English accent, you would.

[Dan Soder]

That's the only thing keeping you from realizing your full dandiness.

[Jay Oakerson]

Hello, mate.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, look, there's all the things we can call you. A fop, a bow. A man about town. A bright young thing. A glamour boy.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I see that.

[Robert Kelly]

I dress like you want to know my style?

[Jay Oakerson]

Fop.

[Robert Kelly]

No fop.

[Jay Oakerson]

Glamour boy.

[Robert Kelly]

What's that movie with the fuck Wong Fu? No, it's the English. The guy that they go into the clothing shop, becomes spies.

[Jay Oakerson]

Spies like us?

[Robert Kelly]

No. Just a couple of years ago they've done two jerk off sequels to it.

[Dan Soder]

Kingsman.

[Robert Kelly]

Kingsman. Kingsman attire is my attire. That's not.

[Dan Soder]

That's. Dan, I swear to you, all my life I thought you were gonna go. Kingsman attire is dandy. That's not my thing. That couldn't be more dandy.

[Robert Kelly]

The Kingsman dandy is loud and colorful.

[Dan Soder]

There's not one description of dandy that says loud and colorful.

[Christine]

You're thinking like fruity.

[Dan Soder]

This is. Listen.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

His floppy. His floppy handkerchief and antique cufflinks gave him the look of a dandy.

[Robert Kelly]

You never dress like that.

[Dan Soder]

You would absolutely wear beautiful cufflinks.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Dan Soder]

Why are you fighting being a dandy? I didn't make the word.

[Robert Kelly]

Cufflinks don't make you a dandy, Jay.

[Jay Oakerson]

This is very undandy like behavior and I don't like it. Yeah, I don't. You're not getting a million.

[Dan Soder]

Get back to dandy, would you?

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't. I don't say we give him a million because he's not ready for it.

[Dan Soder]

I'm not dropping a mill on a dandy that. You know what, Jacob?

[Jay Oakerson]

Do you like shoes with laces or just slip ons?

[Robert Kelly]

Wait, what was the question?

[Jay Oakerson]

A slip on shoe.

[Dan Soder]

You heard the question. Stop thinking. Which answer is less dandy?

[Jay Oakerson]

Laces. That's dandy. Would you like a shirt that fits perfectly with buttons?

[Dan Soder]

Or maybe an oversized sweatshirt?

[Jay Oakerson]

An oversized sweatshirt with a gay saying on it.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, but I can't wear that. I look like a jerk off.

[Dan Soder]

What was that? Why the fire shots over here?

[Jay Oakerson]

That's me and you. We wear stupid stuff.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, both. We do. We do wear stupid stuff. Or oversized sweatshirts with stupid show. That's not. That's below our age.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, dude. We're both. I'm 54 and I had a fucking hoodie with me on it going.

[Robert Kelly]

You wear shorts?

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You're fucking 50.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[Dan Soder]

47.

[Robert Kelly]

It's basically 50.

[Dan Soder]

You wish it was. You die to be 47 again. Shut up.

[Robert Kelly]

Shut your mout.

[Jay Oakerson]

Not 50, asshole. 47. Still awesome.

[Dan Soder]

Freshly 47.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's three more years.

[Robert Kelly]

I was a God at 47.

[Jay Oakerson]

You were a dandy.

[Robert Kelly]

I still had all my neck parts.

[Dan Soder]

And you're a dandy at 50 something. You're good.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't wear oversized stuff because of my frame. I look like a jerk off. You when you're. You have to know how to dress for your frame when you're A dandy no for anybody.

[Jay Oakerson]

Right.

[Dan Soder]

Can I just say, Jacob, it takes a comment. Your frame is very dandy.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, dude, you have a dandy.

[Robert Kelly]

Did I pick this goddamn frame God.

[Dan Soder]

Gave you work on it?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, no, no, but.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, you're talking about your frame. Your actual.

[Robert Kelly]

I have to work with what? What I was cursed with? Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Wasn't the workout. Wasn't it a dandy band Workout wasn't the name of it.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, my God, the Dandy Bands.

[Jay Oakerson]

Wasn't it the dandy band.

[Dan Soder]

They should be called dandy bands.

[Robert Kelly]

Can we call our group the Dandy Bandy Bands?

[Dan Soder]

He goes, oh, man, my legs are killing me. I did a dandy band yesterday, buddy.

[Jay Oakerson]

Hearing him go like this.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Keep your back straight. Oh, you doing good, Lou.

[Dan Soder]

Sweat it out.

[Robert Kelly]

Come on, Trinity.

[Jay Oakerson]

Here's where it gets hard, Lou, but stick to it.

[Robert Kelly]

That's right.

[Jay Oakerson]

I had to turn down the volume. A guy came into the gym at the hotel. I was like, I just had this guys on the.

[Robert Kelly]

They moan a lot.

[Jay Oakerson]

And him going, three guys. Yeah, but there was guy moaning and then those. You could hear Jacob.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, you know, DJ Lou is just.

[Dan Soder]

Squatting and staring at the screen.

[Robert Kelly]

My recorded voice is a hard to me. So when I have to hear it back, it is. It sounds higher pitch to me than.

[Christine]

What a job you took for that.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't know I was going to be on air. I thought it was gonna be behind the scenes pulling the strings.

[Jay Oakerson]

This is a dandy plan from a long time ago. This is your dandy plan.

[Dan Soder]

This was your whole dandy plan.

[Jay Oakerson]

One day I'll present them my dandy plan.

[Robert Kelly]

I do the workout for Lou because I could do it on my own, but I want. I want him to benefit from this.

[Jay Oakerson]

Right?

[Christine]

It's a Yankee Doodle Dandy, like exactly.

[Jay Oakerson]

Did you know Jacob wanted to adopt?

[Dan Soder]

Oh, my God.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't. I didn't ask for that to be on air yet.

[Jay Oakerson]

Sorry.

[Dan Soder]

You would love to dress like Jimmy.

[Robert Kelly]

Cagney and Yankee Jimmy Cagney is wearing. I can't tell, but it's a classical classic gentleman's attire. Although, except for the best. I would never wear this.

[Dan Soder]

I like that he's the Yankee Doodle Dandy.

[Robert Kelly]

I wouldn't dress like that.

[Dan Soder]

Dandiest of the doodles.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes, you would. And you'd hit women like him too.

[Dan Soder]

Also, you probably slap chicks around because that's okay where you're from.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Your clothes are from.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm English countryside.

[Dan Soder]

Sometimes you slap a there James Bond.

[Robert Kelly]

In Skyfall when he's on the Skyfall Ranch. Look at that. That's my look.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, well, you'd mush a girl in the face if she got whippy with you.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Push her right into a mud puddle with hogs in it.

[Dan Soder]

That's right. And you guess what happened in the English countryside.

[Jay Oakerson]

And you go, see, you don't talk to me like that. See? Now get up and get dinner ready.

[Dan Soder]

You're gonna tend to the sheets. I'm gonna iron my bow ties.

[Robert Kelly]

I had. Well, Bobby already said it.

[Jay Oakerson]

So what?

[Robert Kelly]

I'll get into it. I'll tell you what I told.

[Jay Oakerson]

I. I probably shouldn't have said nothing. I apologize. I. He. Well, Jacob, I brought this thing in where they were. I don't know. There's a video I sent in the thing that never got pinked because, you know, Christine doesn't want to pink me. But did we go over it? Wow.

[Christine]

It gets pinked when we go over it.

[Jay Oakerson]

We're going over it now.

[Christine]

Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

So now if you can bring it up, if you can find it on your thing where they were bringing girls in or kids in. I don't know if you saw it, where they were walking them through a pageant line for adoption. It was so creepy. I heard of them and so. And I found out that Jacob is thinking of adopting.

[Dan Soder]

You are?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I've always wanted to be a dad and didn't work out, so I'm trying to think. I started looking into it.

[Dan Soder]

You're not gonna pass the psychological evaluation. How do you know someone's gonna just send you some off to live with a dandy in an apartment? I don't think so, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, I've been.

[Dan Soder]

This kid's already been through enough. Get a film.

[Robert Kelly]

Trying to.

[Dan Soder]

He's gonna. He's gonna be staring at fucking Titanic posters while you make him do sit ups all night.

[Jay Oakerson]

I want you.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, it's worse than you think.

[Dan Soder]

You want a little girl so you can dress her and find.

[Robert Kelly]

I do want a girl.

[Dan Soder]

Oh.

[Robert Kelly]

So I was looking into adopting a little girl.

[Dan Soder]

How little?

[Robert Kelly]

Well, no way. Any way you cut it.

[Dan Soder]

Something, maybe something rush, maybe something Russian in 19 or 20.

[Jay Oakerson]

You have to pick this part.

[Robert Kelly]

You're not far off from. What happens, Jacob, if you go to.

[Jay Oakerson]

If you go too young or too old, you got to go.

[Dan Soder]

You're going to it.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're going to it, so you got to pick.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I'm not. So you're. You're turning the sinister.

[Dan Soder]

It's only going to be sinister if you go too young. Or too old, too young or too old. Yeah, yeah, you're it.

[Jay Oakerson]

So you can go.

[Dan Soder]

You gotta get in the sweet spot. What?

[Robert Kelly]

Any age you're gonna say is the gross age.

[Dan Soder]

I'd say get an ugly fat kid. An ugly fat girl.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

You'll be safe then.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Stand up, turn around and bend over.

[Dan Soder]

But then that's not how you get a kid.

[Robert Kelly]

But I'm gonna judge. I'm gonna judge because I keep this body in shape.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, look at this. We should send him there. America's shocking trade in unwanted children. They have a. So all the parents come and they have to walk through and give a little twirl and, you know, and they get to pick.

[Dan Soder]

It says it's his disturbing underground undergr. They got a pretty public gymnasium for this, though.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, they make a lot of money.

[Robert Kelly]

This is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen that they made kids do this.

[Dan Soder]

Jacob, I would love for you to go to this auction. 45. We got a black kid going, 45. 45. 45. 45. Indonesian kid going. Very smart math.

[Robert Kelly]

In a way. What I did is worse. But watch this first. Then I'll tell my horror story. This is obscene.

[Jay Oakerson]

They're making these kids do a fashion show like, thing. And they have. And they're like an auction. Like this. I would say, dare I say a slave auction.

[Dan Soder]

Oh.

[Jay Oakerson]

With the kids. I mean, it's. It's an auction for people.

[Dan Soder]

Sex slave auction. Oh.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's different. You're right. I apologize.

[Dan Soder]

Thank you.

[Jay Oakerson]

I apologize. It's gonna make these kids work. I know, dude. They're gonna.

[Dan Soder]

I mean, they're gonna make them W E R K work.

[Jay Oakerson]

They gotta have fun, some of them. And they're making them walk up and down in front of all these people. It is kind of humiliating.

[Christine]

The kids also, like, some of. They're like, kind of trying to, like, put on a show because.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Would you rather grow beaten or molested?

[Jay Oakerson]

Both. No, I'd rather. Good question.

[Dan Soder]

Now, if beating makes you come, it's kind of like both are happening at the same time. Huh?

[Christine]

By who? By your parents? Both?

[Dan Soder]

No, no, no, no.

[Jay Oakerson]

By somebody who's not direct family, like a.

[Dan Soder]

Like a stepdad, Stepdad, Stepdad thing. Would you rather be. Yeah, let's take. Let's take incest off the table. Why are molested.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay. Yeah. No incense. Yeah, Yeah. I don't want to. Somebody I know. Yeah, just a new guy, and it's.

[Dan Soder]

Gonna be a guy. If you're gonna say beaten or molested by a Girl, you're gonna say molested every time.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're gonna.

[Dan Soder]

He goes, yeah, but I'm saying when you're seven years old, you're like, yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Still sucking the titties in a bush.

[Dan Soder]

I'll figure it out.

[Jay Oakerson]

I would say beaten. I'd rather get beaten.

[Dan Soder]

Really?

[Jay Oakerson]

I'd rather take a beating. Because at least you learn how to take a beating. Yeah, I don't want to have to.

[Dan Soder]

But maybe you can learn how to suck cock.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, but I don't want to be.

[Dan Soder]

You're not going to make money for taking a beating when you're older, but you will make money for sucking cock when you need drugs.

[Jay Oakerson]

But I can fight. I can take a beating and learn how to fight. But if I don't want to be in like a Whole Foods later in life and see some guy who looks like that guy and then have that trauma and then just cry, bobby. But I don't want to smell cologne and be like, that's. That's the cologne he wore.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, my God. Yeah. Like a blackout memory.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I know.

[Dan Soder]

I wonder if I ever had any of those. One day someone just says something and I go, oh, my God. My family used to gang bang me.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

All right, let's see this auction.

[Jay Oakerson]

I want to smell a certain cologne and be like, Aspen.

[Dan Soder]

That's what did it to me.

[Jay Oakerson]

Canoe, it's not your fault.

[Dan Soder]

44 Fahrenheit.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, he used to wear brute 44, the guy Billy used to beat the out of me.

[Dan Soder]

How did you know that? Did you have to kiss his neck while he beat you?

[Jay Oakerson]

Sometimes we kissed, but it wasn't like he didn't ask me to do it. I just did it because I, you know, I figured like, hey, man, this will calm him down.

[Dan Soder]

Tell you what, that's a ball. That'd be a balls ass move. If your stepfather's beating the out of you and you just keep trying to French kiss him the whole time, he eventually will stop beating you up. Or he'll beat you to death. No, in between. Either way, eventually he's gonna go, all right, stop.

[Jay Oakerson]

Looking for her Forever family. Wow.

[Robert Kelly]

She describes.

[Christine]

It's a parade.

[Dan Soder]

Like, no, they should walk him out on leashes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Holy.

[Robert Kelly]

She ain't.

[Jay Oakerson]

Who.

[Dan Soder]

Jacob. God. You can. You could adopt her.

[Jay Oakerson]

You can have that. Jacob.

[Dan Soder]

No, adopt her, dude. Look, she's. She's ready for the ranch, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I realized how awful I am. Well, I'll get to it later.

[Dan Soder]

You won't take her. You won't take this kid because she's fat and ugly. You piece of shit.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't hear what they have to say.

[Dan Soder]

Doesn't matter. She's unwanted and she's a little girl.

[Jay Oakerson]

She's right. We gotta see. We gotta see what else she's got going on. She might have some more skills that Jacob admires.

[Dan Soder]

Okay.

[Christine]

Wow.

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[Dan Soder]

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[Jay Oakerson]

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[Dan Soder]

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[Dan Soder]

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[Robert Kelly]

Poor kids.

[Dan Soder]

Alicia is a very special and very sweet young lady who is Looking for her forever family. Nice.

[Christine]

She describes it's a parade like no other. Abandoned children desperately selling themselves to win over a new family.

[Dan Soder]

Too high maintenance. Also likes drawing.

[Jay Oakerson]

I like her. She looks like she reads and bakes.

[Dan Soder]

Jacob, you're gonna. You'll molest that one. Jacob. Not that one.

[Robert Kelly]

These people, these families. Why do you hate them?

[Dan Soder]

Why? They just want to take them. They want to see. They want to check them out first.

[Robert Kelly]

See what they work with, check the merchandise.

[Dan Soder]

Then you go backstage and look at their gums and teet. If you're gonna take them home, see if they have a firm grip, count their fingers and toes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Can't just buy. So you just buy something out of the gate, not even look at it, dude.

[Dan Soder]

You don't take it for a run.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Dude.

[Robert Kelly]

This is disgusting.

[Dan Soder]

You gotta bring it home. You gotta molest it. Beat it. See if it says something.

[Robert Kelly]

The fact that they have these kids have these plastered smiles on that, you know, they're miserable.

[Dan Soder]

I don't think they're miserable.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think they're happy.

[Dan Soder]

I think they love it.

[Jay Oakerson]

They're out of whatever box they were keeping them in.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. Here. Put on these old clothes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Try to look. Try to look. He goes, put it on for these fellas. Ladies, you want to get in these houses at this age.

[Christine]

To find a perfect match.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, there you go, Jacob.

[Dan Soder]

Okay, now, Jacob, let me talk about this one. We just said little girl with cornrows there.

[Jay Oakerson]

Describe her.

[Dan Soder]

A little bit black, tiny, with cornrows. Here's what I'm saying. Could be the next angel Reese, though. You have no idea. You could train that little black girl to be the best soccer player in the world.

[Jay Oakerson]

Boar.

[Robert Kelly]

I. I've already thought of that.

[Dan Soder]

I know you have.

[Jay Oakerson]

He can't be with her.

[Dan Soder]

Why this little black guy.

[Robert Kelly]

I want to produce the next Sophia Smith.

[Dan Soder]

You'll be like, is this your dad? He goes, is that dandy your dad? Yeah. I don't know why he wear ties on a Tuesday.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's not a boy. That's a girl.

[Dan Soder]

No. Yeah.

[Christine]

He's just go scout. He can't be there.

[Dan Soder]

Why? That's how black girls talk.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's his type. He would. He would wind up. He wouldn't be able to fight it.

[Dan Soder]

He's going to molest a little cornrows black girl.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jacob's not going to fight it, dude. And I don't blame him.

[Dan Soder]

You're right. She's about four years.

[Robert Kelly]

Want to do this?

[Dan Soder]

Because she's about four years negative. This girl's about four years, Jacob, from having a very athletic body that you'll be impressed.

[Robert Kelly]

Doesn't do anything from.

[Jay Oakerson]

She'll be at fest really cute photos. And then the next year be like, a little. And then the next year, like, hey, where's Jacob and Leticia? Oh, they went out to dinner.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it's like my daughter out to dinner. She's 10.

[Dan Soder]

How nice that you can go to a banquet. You can go to a banquet and come home with a child. That's pretty great.

[Jay Oakerson]

You gotta get that dumpy chick with a pot bell in the overalls.

[Dan Soder]

I think you get the fat one with the overalls. I think you whip her in the shape, you make her worth something. But she's always gonna be pretty ugly facial.

[Jay Oakerson]

She's always gonna be indebted to you because you dandied her right up.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. So even when she comes in confused in the middle of the night and tries to have sex with you because she's so up mentally from what she's been through, including this pageant, you're not gonna be tempted because you're like, no, you're fat.

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Dan Soder]

You're gonna make her leave, and then she's gonna be like, daddy, dandy. And then she'll run off to her room and cut. Cut herself, bro.

[Jay Oakerson]

Cut herself. But you're gonna be like. She's gonna be like, that's not very dandy of you, dad.

[Dan Soder]

That wasn't dandy of you. Goes, I didn't want to see ranch daddy. I wanted to see dandy daddy. Good. Let's see the next ones.

[Christine]

This woman's, like, taking a picture of her to send to her husband or something. Look at this one.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. He makes the decision.

[Dan Soder]

You think he's just. What if the husband writes back just goes, little lighter? Ah, a little lighter wink younger now. There's already grass on that field. Oh, Randolph.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay, Michaela, you look so. That's funny. They showed the cute little black girl and all the black ladies who have taken pictures of it. Why can't the white ladies get the little black girl?

[Christine]

Tragic.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God.

[Christine]

And completely legal.

[Jay Oakerson]

There's one for you. There's one for you. Jacob blurred out.

[Robert Kelly]

I saw. I saw it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you did, didn't you?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

The one holding the thing.

[Robert Kelly]

The one with a smile.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Would you look like red hair? She's a pig.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, my God. You don't say it to the ones you don't take control. You gotta be nice to all of us.

[Robert Kelly]

All of this breaks my heart.

[Dan Soder]

Why? Because you can't have them all'cause you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Can'T have them right now.

[Dan Soder]

The game, the Schindler's List, he wants.

[Jay Oakerson]

Them all right now and he can't.

[Robert Kelly]

I want to save them all.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, these cameras in the studio, that could have been two more children off the black market.

[Jay Oakerson]

All Jacob wants to do is be at a park spinning with children around him in a park and birds landing on his fingertips.

[Dan Soder]

Jacob, get them all. Christine, reach out to this company. Let them know we'll take them all. Bundle, package it, throw it in there.

[Jay Oakerson]

Getting a million a year, dude. You can afford it.

[Dan Soder]

This is fine.

[Robert Kelly]

That's why I've started look, because I know the new. When you guys negotiate this killer deal.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Even if it's 1 1, even if it's 1/10 of caller daddy, we're all going to be doing well.

[Dan Soder]

We're all going to be doing well. Can I tell you this? I'll take it even further. If me and Bobby gets. Get rid of the 24. $100 million, right?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

You guys are still gonna get a million dollars each.

[Jay Oakerson]

Wow.

[Robert Kelly]

I think that's.

[Dan Soder]

Wow, that's 25. That's 25 mil off our bottom line.

[Robert Kelly]

That's true.

[Jay Oakerson]

Wow, that's pretty. That's fucking generous.

[Dan Soder]

Me and Bobby, I don't know if you know, are taking a major financial hit there. Yeah, you guys will take no hit. You guys will stay the same at $1 million a year if me and Bobby only get to. And I said it's my lowest negotiation. $100 million.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's why you're all that in a bag of chips.

[Dan Soder]

Thank you. Hey, I say, Jim, Big Jim said we're getting close.

[Jay Oakerson]

Are we getting close?

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, I say because we're getting really close. Negotiations are going, so we're just gonna get close. I'll tell you what we're closer to. The offers that they're coming in with seem closer to 100 million than 125 million. If we're going Price is Right rules. If we're going price records, they're seeing it closer down to the other side of 100 million. I'll tell you this, Jacob, I'm gonna go on further. And Bobby, now I know I'm talking out of school. This is beyond what me and you've even discussed. If we get $90 million, everybody in this room gets a million dollar salary.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're crazy.

[Dan Soder]

On top of your. On top of your Series XM salary.

[Jay Oakerson]

They still get their salaries.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, we still get our salaries.

[Dan Soder]

Still get your salaries. So that is now you is going to have make $1,027,000 a year.

[Robert Kelly]

Remember when you said you're not far off.

[Dan Soder]

Jacob? Think of how many children you could adopt and molest and beat. Is this over? Is that it?

[Christine]

I don't think so.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think there's. Oh, there's more. We should buy one of these kids for him for Christmas next year.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, can we get a studio kid? Yeah, just like one we keep in the studio.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, we'll find a little like a little closet we can keep them in.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, well. Yeah, well, I think we should get the fat redheaded girl. Honestly, I think we should do fat. Cause if we starve her, no one's gonna tell for a little bit.

[Jay Oakerson]

I like that little book reading sweater wearing one with the ascot and the.

[Dan Soder]

With the purse.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

With the long hair.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

She looks like she knows how to.

[Dan Soder]

Like, she looks like Irene Cara.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, but she looks like she knows how to do accounting and keep things organized.

[Dan Soder]

I'm telling you, my white skills are not gonna be able to figure out her hair. Her hair. Every day is gonna be an ordeal. She's gonna scream while I'm combing it and everyone's gonna yell, you know what?

[Jay Oakerson]

You're reason ease ability. We get that little chubby racket. She doesn't even shower. No.

[Dan Soder]

That chubby rag. We're going to blow her mind with like table food. It's going to really freak her out. I don't know what she's. I don't know what's going on with her stomach. Look at. She ate a bowl of circles.

[Christine]

Oh, I legitimately thought she might be pregnant.

[Jay Oakerson]

She's a little fatty.

[Dan Soder]

She's carrying low, which means it's a boy. That is funny, guys. Yeah. You guys want to adopt this raped pregnant redhead? Oh, God.

[Jay Oakerson]

We don't know what the baby's gonna look like, but it's. Roll the dice.

[Dan Soder]

Jacob. You could raise the redhead and we'll take the baby as the studio kid.

[Jay Oakerson]

How about this?

[Dan Soder]

Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

We give him the choice. He can take the kid with the baby when it's bored. You can make the choice whether you keep the kid, the baby, or you give us the kid. How's that? You can eat. Cause what if the baby comes out and it's good looking?

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. And what if like your pop pop. You're like, oh God, I'm papa.

[Robert Kelly]

Boy or girl? Call it.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's a girl.

[Robert Kelly]

They bonfire.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's a girl.

[Robert Kelly]

What the name.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, name it. Bonfire.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. The baby. Yeah, yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Or spark.

[Jay Oakerson]

What Spark.

[Robert Kelly]

That's because it becomes. Grows into a bonfire.

[Dan Soder]

Becomes a fire. Can't start a fire without a spark. This gun's for hire.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Do you guys not even know? Classic boss. Sorry, that was more for me and DJ Lou, a couple of Jersey boss guys.

[Robert Kelly]

I got it.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

I. I saved the. I was wondering if I did. I'm good.

[Dan Soder]

Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

I thought I might have to. Something was going on, I'll tell you.

[Dan Soder]

Don't fart today.

[Jay Oakerson]

I can't.

[Dan Soder]

I'm not even saying this for my own like personal thing. I'm saying like. Don't. There's. There's something behind it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I cannot. I almost did it last night and I caught it like the last second and.

[Dan Soder]

Did you do a squeeze cheek walk?

[Jay Oakerson]

Squeeze cheek walk to the bathroom.

[Dan Soder]

Was it on your cheeks?

[Jay Oakerson]

It was on the cheeks.

[Dan Soder]

It did. So it started to.

[Jay Oakerson]

But I had the bidet, so I was very grateful for that. And the heated floors. God came in. Thank God.

[Dan Soder]

I'm getting ready to a bidet commitment that I don't know if I'm ready for.

[Jay Oakerson]

God, buddy, it's so good.

[Dan Soder]

Show them the ones we got.

[Jay Oakerson]

I saved my ass.

[Dan Soder]

Tell me if these are good.

[Jay Oakerson]

If I didn't have a bidet last night, I'd be. I wouldn't be able to come in because my would be so swollen.

[Dan Soder]

I've definitely. When. When I have bathroom problems for sure. Because I go so hard. I'm so worried about cleanliness like that. There is by the second day of that happening, my asshole when I tell it does. It feels like it feels inflamed.

[Jay Oakerson]

Inflamed.

[Dan Soder]

Those days are over.

[Robert Kelly]

The end of Hunt for Red October. Welcome to the new world, sir.

[Dan Soder]

Well, we'll see. Do you got it? It's the BB 2000 or something. My bidet has a. My bidet. My bidets. I got all the same one. Yeah, I don't know we're gonna see. This one's high rated.

[Jay Oakerson]

Did you get the light? Does it have a light in the seat?

[Robert Kelly]

What do you need a light.

[Dan Soder]

What do you need a light in seat for?

[Jay Oakerson]

Because when you go to pee in the middle of the night, there's a blue light inside.

[Dan Soder]

I'm gonna maybe but I'm gonna have that light overhead. You told me to get you get that.

[Jay Oakerson]

But when you walk into the bathroom at night. My bidet. Yeah, blue light. So you know, look. Know what you're pissing.

[Dan Soder]

Mine knows if it's me or Christine. It'll say hello, Jason.

[Robert Kelly]

I never Thought of that, but I love that Bobby.

[Dan Soder]

I don't know if it's true.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's not true.

[Dan Soder]

It's not true.

[Jay Oakerson]

Do you have a.

[Dan Soder]

Bring up my bidet.

[Jay Oakerson]

Do you have a heat. Heated water?

[Dan Soder]

Yep.

[Jay Oakerson]

Heated seat?

[Dan Soder]

Yep.

[Jay Oakerson]

Do you have self cleaner?

[Dan Soder]

Yep.

[Jay Oakerson]

Do you have air freshener? Yeah. Do you have air dryer? Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

What is self cleaner? Like the nozzle cleaner?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it cleans itself.

[Robert Kelly]

All of them do that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, two, she doesn't.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes, it does.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, it doesn't talk to me like that.

[Robert Kelly]

That's what I have.

[Dan Soder]

Is that what you think is happening? You're just leaving a dirty thing and never cleaning it?

[Robert Kelly]

I clean the bowl every week. On top of.

[Dan Soder]

Good luck adopting a child with that kind of conditions.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you. You have your tushy, like standing up straight so you can sit on it.

[Dan Soder]

The BB 2000. Just look that up. Bidet.

[Jay Oakerson]

What's she doing?

[Dan Soder]

I don't know.

[Jay Oakerson]

We were vamping.

[Dan Soder]

She. She found out that sausages. To shove a sausage up my ass in two seconds.

[Jay Oakerson]

Dealing with Scat Fest.

[Christine]

Password. And I can't find the order.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't.

[Dan Soder]

I said the BB 2000.

[Robert Kelly]

A remote control for the toilet.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Dan Soder]

Can you click it so we can see the things it does?

[Jay Oakerson]

You don't have a remote on your bidet. You don't have a remote. You have to. Actually. What do you do?

[Dan Soder]

Bobby, Let me read you the feature list, please.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God. Yes.

[Dan Soder]

Hybrid warm water.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yes.

[Dan Soder]

Which means the hybrid warm water means it never isn't warm.

[Jay Oakerson]

No. Right.

[Dan Soder]

It doesn't run out?

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know if it means that, but yes, I'm pretty sure.

[Dan Soder]

Heated seat.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yep. Great.

[Dan Soder]

Warm air dryer.

[Jay Oakerson]

Love that.

[Dan Soder]

Stainless steel nozzle. Adjustable water pressure. Adjustable nozzle position. Night light.

[Jay Oakerson]

Night light. You need that when you pee in.

[Dan Soder]

The slow closing seat and lid.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, that's the best, too.

[Dan Soder]

Deodorizer.

[Jay Oakerson]

Love that.

[Dan Soder]

Seat sensor.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yep.

[Dan Soder]

Wireless remote vortex wash. Oh, what's that?

[Robert Kelly]

Damn, man.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't have that. What? Is that it?

[Dan Soder]

Let's find out.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, you don't have that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Find out. What's the.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't have vortex.

[Jay Oakerson]

You don't have any of it, but.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't have vortex.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know. I might.

[Dan Soder]

It'll just be. If you roll down, it'll.

[Jay Oakerson]

I know, I know. What you don't. You don't have any of it.

[Robert Kelly]

Right. Because I live in a hovel in Astoria with rats. Yeah. I get my million. I don't know, changed.

[Jay Oakerson]

But that money's come for me. I don't know why you're attacking me about not having vortex.

[Dan Soder]

Half that means coming from you. But I will say this also, just so you know. These negotiations I see going on for the better part of four and a half years. Airdrop. No, not the. I didn't want to see the video. I just. There was another thing of list. All right. The night light.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, what is the remote like? Are you going to walk around with a remote to that? I'm coming in now. I'll be there in a minute.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jacob. I'll tell you. You have. You're sitting down and you can just push the button. You have to look on the side and look over your fat hip.

[Dan Soder]

Pulsation nozzle oscillation.

[Robert Kelly]

Wow. Hold a remote though, because then you're getting duty on the remote.

[Dan Soder]

There's a clock.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're not getting dirty on your own.

[Dan Soder]

And a power saving mode. Go down, Christine, please.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's great.

[Dan Soder]

See what the old good customer reviews. This thing's. I want to know what the.

[Robert Kelly]

I want that one.

[Dan Soder]

I mean, you want this one.

[Robert Kelly]

This sounds great.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why would you want a remote? You get duty on it. Why would you need that?

[Robert Kelly]

Because I'll take it. I'll learn to live with it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm not saying it's that bad.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Jay Oakerson]

You're saying it's bad. Why don't you stop bitching? Maybe you'll get one. Huh?

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

All right.

[Robert Kelly]

Point. Take it.

[Dan Soder]

I don't know what the vortex thing is.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think I love fighting with Jacob.

[Christine]

I'm trying to find a YouTube video of it. What is it?

[Jay Oakerson]

Vortex wash. A YouTube vortex wash in the butt.

[Dan Soder]

Vortex wash Bidet. What does it mean?

[Jay Oakerson]

I think it just swirls it around.

[Dan Soder]

God, I hope so.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

I hope it. Vortex is my. Because I'm not going to be using wipes and it's freaking me out.

[Jay Oakerson]

You have to use wipes. I still use one wipe at the end.

[Dan Soder]

No. You can't use toilet paper.

[Jay Oakerson]

I use wipes or toilet papers. But I use hemorrhoid.

[Dan Soder]

But you don't have a septic tank.

[Jay Oakerson]

I do.

[Dan Soder]

You have a septic tank?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I throw them in the barrel.

[Dan Soder]

Ew. Don't do that, you animal.

[Jay Oakerson]

I wrap them in toilet paper.

[Dan Soder]

It doesn't matter.

[Jay Oakerson]

What.

[Dan Soder]

You're throwing doo doo in a trash can at your house.

[Jay Oakerson]

Do you know how the rest of the world lives, Jay?

[Dan Soder]

What does that mean? I'm gonna take a shower by fucking the rest. Elephant trunk.

[Jay Oakerson]

The rest of the world in Europe. Don't Fucking use bidets or whatever they do. And they don't have. They don't have. They don't can't.

[Dan Soder]

They can't shit in their bathroom in Japan. Shits like they're playing catcher and doesn't mean anything.

[Jay Oakerson]

Roll it up and stick it in the barrel. They can't flush the toilet paper.

[Dan Soder]

Right? Welcome to the first world. You don't have to do that. Don't do that.

[Robert Kelly]

America's the best.

[Jay Oakerson]

What? But you. I'm saying it's not a big deal. I did in Cuba.

[Dan Soder]

It's a big deal. It says every septic tank I've ever seen says, don't throw anything in there.

[Jay Oakerson]

Don't throw it in there. You throw it, you wrap it up. Do your thing.

[Dan Soder]

That's crazy.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm willing to take a half a million dollar pay cut here to tell Jay you don't. Don't you. You don't need wipes. The whole point is to not need wipes anymore. It's. You're defeating the whole purpose of getting him a day.

[Dan Soder]

You know what? If Bobby pulls his $500,000 from you, I'm gonna fucking match that 500. I'll make sure you get to that million.

[Jay Oakerson]

Hang on one second.

[Dan Soder]

Like that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Hang on one second. Jacob.

[Robert Kelly]

Right?

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm not gonna pull my five. I'm actually gonna say thank you because you made a valid point. I don't need to use anything except the bidet and a little toilet paper to tap it off the wetness. So I'm gonna stop. Thank you, Jacob.

[Robert Kelly]

I appreciate it.

[Dan Soder]

That was big.

[Robert Kelly]

It was big.

[Dan Soder]

That was a hell of a.

[Robert Kelly]

Sometimes he cuts me. He gets me off guard.

[Jay Oakerson]

I do.

[Robert Kelly]

Because you defuse and I'm not used to that.

[Jay Oakerson]

I defuse. Guys.

[Dan Soder]

There's a chance the day I get these, I'm gonna have to call that week out of work. I'm gonna be so into this. A vortex wash refers to a particularly strong high pressure water stream designed to provide a more thorough clean. Often used to help with stubborn bowel movements or constipation by loosening hardened stool. Now, I'll tell you this, why I'm excited about that. I have been training myself in the shower. Whenever I have a shower that has a. Like my shower, my apartment's. You know the shower head, you could take off and it's a wand. Wand.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's called the wand.

[Dan Soder]

Thank you. I have a wand. There's three settings on that wand. One's lower pressure, one's higher pressure, but all the streams and then One's a couple that kind of, like, shoots, like, the. The third one is the one that looks like. It looks like.

[Jay Oakerson]

Laugh at my joke yapping. You had a good joke, and you stepped on it, telling us. I know, but I'm jumping into something.

[Dan Soder]

I wasn't stepping on his laughs. It looks like the Death Star when it shoots, like, all three. The Death Star, you know, it was like three lasers go in the one on the.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Dan Soder]

On the wand. On the wand. But it doesn't necessarily come into one. They just cross over to point. And I've gotten good at finding that crossover point and getting that right against my asshole. Like. Like, it's a distance. You got to spread your butt cheeks open. And then I try to make my. My butthole like. Like, kind of.

[Jay Oakerson]

Buddy. This is crazy.

[Dan Soder]

And then I'm like, so. I'm like. I think I'm so. A vortex wash. Seems like.

[Jay Oakerson]

Can I just say something?

[Dan Soder]

I'm just gonna get in the shower and soak my finger and just fuck my ass for a couple seconds. I'm not gonna worry about all the.

[Jay Oakerson]

This is crazy that you say this.

[Dan Soder]

Fluffy.

[Jay Oakerson]

I did the same thing with my shower head. My old one had the three beams, the death Star. And you have to find the cross.

[Dan Soder]

That's where the pressure is most.

[Jay Oakerson]

Pressure is. And then I taught my butthole to open up like a. Like a. Like a dolphin hole, right? To accept.

[Robert Kelly]

To accept the stream.

[Jay Oakerson]

Now I got the new one, and I got the colder one, and it stinks. There's no Death Star beam. It has a mister. It has the thing, then the thing, and then the mister with a death. The Death Star beam.

[Dan Soder]

Your death Star beam. With these toilets, it seems.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, I know.

[Dan Soder]

But my Death Star beam, though, I do like. I'll tell you what. Death Star beam in a hotel, actually. Hotel. Sometimes, like, the Alofts and stuff will have the wand that's like a long rectangle, and it just shoots out like. It's like two nozzles. It's like two sprayers down in a row.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

So it's like. Just long, and it's like two rows, right? Thin and long.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. You stick it right in your butt.

[Dan Soder]

And I put it right in my butt crack, and I just. I just, like, tit my ass crack, like, with that, and just let the water just go up and down my ass crack. I do that a lot in aloft.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

So if you ever stay in a room after me, do not smell that fucking thing.

[Jay Oakerson]

I stayed in aloft last week in Kansas City.

[Dan Soder]

Did you fucking do it? You get up there, right?

[Jay Oakerson]

I love that they got tubs out of hotels and they have the stall. Shower stall with the wand.

[Dan Soder]

A wand is nice.

[Jay Oakerson]

Right underneath.

[Dan Soder]

I don't like when they make a decision in my hotel shower, though. Like, don't worry. This shower doesn't need a door. I assure you it does. All of them do.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I love to do that.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

There's no door.

[Dan Soder]

There's no door on the shower. It's just part of it's open, part of it's naughty. Yeah. But the part that's open is the part where I'm standing, getting hit by water, going everywhere.

[Jay Oakerson]

I. I like an aloft, though.

[Dan Soder]

I don't mind. I know it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Internet's always good.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Room's consistent, bed's fine.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm a fan of an aloft. And I love that walk in shower when it tickles you. You're staminkia from behind.

[Dan Soder]

What is. How's that happen?

[Jay Oakerson]

You stink. Your stomach. Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Penis. What do you get from behind? With what?

[Jay Oakerson]

With the wand? Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, when you're riding up and down your ass crack, it does hit your ball bag.

[Jay Oakerson]

I wish they would put a little thing for your foot so you could keep your foot up so I don't have to, like, put it up on the wall to get.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, so you go up on the wall. So you don't do that. I do this. I get like a. I get like this stance.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. I don't do that. I do. I kind of get up.

[Dan Soder]

I hunch over.

[Jay Oakerson]

I can't do it now because I.

[Dan Soder]

Think I'm trying to get butt in public standing up.

[Jay Oakerson]

I look like I'm trying to dominate a male prison shower. I have my leg up and I go from behind.

[Dan Soder]

Really?

[Jay Oakerson]

I like from behind, but I pretend. I pretend like I'm being washed by somebody.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

So I'm like going up my legs and then I go to my. My balls and I like, oh. And I pretend like, oh, you go easy, baby.

[Dan Soder]

There's plenty for everything.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I say, dude, baby, baby. Easy, dude.

[Dan Soder]

Plenty for everything. Ryan, settle down, bud.

[Jay Oakerson]

All right, Chill, Ryan. Hey.

[Dan Soder]

Everything okay over there, buddy?

[Jay Oakerson]

I thought you were a dandy.

[Dan Soder]

What? A dandy. You know, so. Yeah. Well, that vortex wash sounds like it's going to change everything for me. Your life is going to be awesome, Black Lou. I want to say you want to stack this also with a squatty potty.

[Jay Oakerson]

Because that helps open your eyes as well, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

That's essential.

[Jay Oakerson]

Big thing essential Squatty potty. In my house, I got a squatty potty.

[Robert Kelly]

If you don't raise your legs, you're defeating the whole purpose. It repositions your.

[Jay Oakerson]

It does something really again. But I. Can I say something? I didn't for a while. And I know what type of professional ass guy you are with cleaning. And what they don't know what we've done over the years is train our to open up.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

We don't really need a squatty potty because yeah, we just have trained our like kung fu.

[Dan Soder]

I don't need taking a. For me. Dare I say. I know it's disgusting conversation.

[Jay Oakerson]

It is.

[Dan Soder]

But it really is my me time. Remember what the Goonies said about down in the. Well, it's their time down there. That's my time in there. And I bring my. I put on my. I put on sports podcasts for the Sixers and Eagles. Nobody else wants to hear. And I have my laptop and I go through World Star and the nip slips of the day and. And then more. And then I read Eagles and Sixers news, maybe some online stuff I need to like look into buying maybe or something. And I just mill around the community and it's just my time.

[Jay Oakerson]

How long?

[Dan Soder]

A good 45 minutes it could take. Now I will say this. Squatty potty. I've never wanted to stop doing something quicker in my life than taking a shit. I'm like, why am I sitting like this?

[Robert Kelly]

Because it's helping everything go fast. You're not supposed to sit that long. The quicker the better.

[Dan Soder]

It's my time.

[Robert Kelly]

It's bad for your asshole.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're supposed to sit like Vietnamese people doing fireworks.

[Robert Kelly]

That's right. That's how your body was.

[Dan Soder]

We were supposed to squat all the way down, right?

[Jay Oakerson]

Some type of dice game on the corner.

[Dan Soder]

But I don't have to do that now.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that's the way you're supposed to do it. I agree with you.

[Dan Soder]

It's disgusting. But it is the way you're supposed to do it. They say. That's why I said the Japanese, they're playing catcher. They're squatted down completely and they just let it. It's their two inches from the floor.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't get it.

[Dan Soder]

And they just. Into a hole or a little pile.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't get it. But fully naked too. You can't do it with your pants down.

[Dan Soder]

It's bizarre.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's nuts. But it's supposed to be the best, right?

[Dan Soder]

However, I think that now I have Just paid to have a machine in my home that will not worry about my legs going up and just aggressively blast water at my ass until it all falls out.

[Jay Oakerson]

Gotta make sure you get good water.

[Robert Kelly]

Like, let's say this is the stream.

[Dan Soder]

Okay. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

This is your asshole there.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

It is bigger your ass. I'm sorry. This is your asshole bigger.

[Dan Soder]

Where's my asshole on drugs?

[Robert Kelly]

This is. This is the bidet stream. And this is your asshole. If you put the squatty potty is repositioning it so your hole is. Is. Is going right dead center.

[Dan Soder]

I understand what you're saying, but that can't be the only.

[Robert Kelly]

It is.

[Dan Soder]

I can't. A bidet can't just be only in tandem with a squatty potty. Very few people I know have a squatty potty.

[Jay Oakerson]

I've taught my asshole how to wink over the years.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

So I can open it.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Catch. The water goes in and shoots back down.

[Dan Soder]

Now, this might surprise you. I've taught my asshole in the recent weeks to whistle. D. Now, I know we've all had a little time apart and we did different things with other assholes. Me, I played it whistle and Dixie. No. Have you ever gotten a squatty potty? Can't. A bidet has to be able to work with a regular seated asshole.

[Robert Kelly]

Sure. But it's just. I'm telling you, the positioning is going to make. You're actually going to feel the difference.

[Dan Soder]

Also, I'm not afraid to lean forward, Jacob. I'm not afraid to go fucking belly to thighs. And really, if it's going to help the water get up there. Huh?

[Robert Kelly]

You test it for a week.

[Jay Oakerson]

You say belly to thighs. Like a lie down on your.

[Dan Soder]

Sure.

[Jay Oakerson]

Like an angle.

[Dan Soder]

If that's how I need to do to get the water up my ass.

[Jay Oakerson]

Like you're in the Olympics going down on a. One of those bobsleds.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. Lean forward.

[Jay Oakerson]

I respect that.

[Dan Soder]

Like a real. Like. Like this.

[Jay Oakerson]

Dude.

[Dan Soder]

You can't poop like this.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, I. I would 100 poop like that. I just never dare to do it.

[Dan Soder]

And then the squatty potty will be doing it. What it does. And I'll be like this. I'll look back at it once in a while like, ooh, Ooh, you dirty.

[Jay Oakerson]

Now, have you ever opened up your butthole with a bidet and then heard.

[Dan Soder]

I've never been in a bidet?

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you've never.

[Dan Soder]

Never used one. Never even tried one, buddy.

[Jay Oakerson]

When the water sound changes when it goes.

[Dan Soder]

Oh. When it catches the hole.

[Jay Oakerson]

Take this ready?

[Dan Soder]

I know what you're talking about.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's like this.

[Dan Soder]

Right? You feel like. Like a balloon should be growing on your head. Like you hit the clown's mouth.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it feels good. It feels. They should put games in them.

[Dan Soder]

The clown mouth game. There should be a balloon on your head.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Like you push that big. If a balloon pops behind you.

[Jay Oakerson]

They should put a game in the machine on the bidet.

[Dan Soder]

Christine, you want a bidet race? Use balloon pops first.

[Jay Oakerson]

She go downstairs, you go downstairs. Whoever clean first. Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, finished.

[Jay Oakerson]

Those are nice bidets you got though.

[Robert Kelly]

Are you excited, Christine?

[Dan Soder]

Are they? That's my concern. I don't know.

[Jay Oakerson]

They're great bidets.

[Robert Kelly]

Those are fantastic.

[Jay Oakerson]

The best.

[Dan Soder]

I don't. I look at company. I never heard of that company before.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, they have like Gnome just got the toto.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, I know. I have toto. I know.

[Jay Oakerson]

Toto is 10 grand.

[Dan Soder]

And not for the seat.

[Jay Oakerson]

For the toilet.

[Dan Soder]

For the whole toilet.

[Jay Oakerson]

The toilet.

[Dan Soder]

These are seat tops.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, the seat. I know that. It's so that one knows everything about you. When you walk up, the seat goes up. When you leave, it goes down. It can tell you.

[Dan Soder]

It says Happy Hanukkah on Hanukkah. It knows everything.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jay's a genius.

[Christine]

The seat tops aren't. That one's 5.94.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. I have the toto seat.

[Dan Soder]

I'll tell you what I said what they say about the seat tops. While I bring up ours also. Christine. The ones we got. Because I'll tell you what they say. What bulky and they almost position you. The way the top is on it. It's to sit forward.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

So it hit your asshole, I believe is what the tops do. Because you have a seat top attachment, right, Jacob? This is the whole seat. The one I'm getting.

[Robert Kelly]

Mine's an attachment.

[Jay Oakerson]

I got the toilet.

[Dan Soder]

You have the whole toilet.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, I got the toilet with the bidet. There's a. There's a Toto toilet that comes with the bidet. But not the $10,000 one. You understand?

[Dan Soder]

Yes. Yeah, but the one we got is very low profile on the side. It looks.

[Jay Oakerson]

I would have rather have taken yours.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Because mine goes. It goes up a little.

[Dan Soder]

It's inclined, so it's a little. It's a little less comfortable. I feel like.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I like yours.

[Dan Soder]

I read this one best for the heaviest people. I always do that, no matter what. Doesn't matter how much weight I lose. I'm still like, will it support? I've done math before. It's like this couch is so nice and it supports up to £750. And I'm like, all right.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

What do I weigh? I'm like, let me think of some of my fattest friends.

[Jay Oakerson]

I just bought a treadmill that I couldn't have bought two years ago.

[Dan Soder]

That's wild. Yeah. No, I'm saying those kind of things I remember, like, not ziplining. I said one time, because they were like 280 pound limit. I was like, I don't know, I'm probably right there now.

[Jay Oakerson]

You see the trees bending down as you're.

[Dan Soder]

The earth is bending to you. But yeah, so this is what, those ones? But I like that. I like that. It's like a. Almost a normal seeming toilet seat. A lot of those other seats. Really. Fuck yeah. It's happening. Did you shit your pants? But you're gonna.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, you suck.

[Robert Kelly]

What did I do right? You're the resistance dance. Part of the resistance dance.

[Dan Soder]

Does this mean you can't run? You can't run the.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm proud of you, Bobby.

[Dan Soder]

Look at him go.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm proud of you. You put everything into it.

[Dan Soder]

This guy's gonna do. He's gonna do another live show here and then he's gonna go do stand up and then a podcast, I think, on shit day. That's not me.

[Christine]

Wow.

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[Dan Soder]

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[Robert Kelly]

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[Jay Oakerson]

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[Dan Soder]

Try it for yourself.

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