Dane's Main Cookie

Summary

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: "Dane's Main Cookie"

Date: May 29, 2026
Podcast: The Bonfire, SiriusXM’s Faction Talk

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Overview

In this episode, Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly dive into their signature blend of candid, irreverent comedy, tackling everything from the idiosyncrasies of musician fandom and substance habits to the intricacies of the comedy world’s relationships—particularly their evolving saga with Dane Cook. The hosts riff on past road stories, addiction, the economics of smoking, combat sports, and their mock-jealousy and mockery surrounding Jay’s burgeoning friendship with Dane Cook. The episode showcases their playful antagonism, inside jokes, and razor-sharp banter, making it both a roast and a love letter to their long, complex histories in stand-up and radio.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

The Music Obsession Debate

[02:23–07:42]

• Jay and Bobby reminisce about bands that are ingrained in their DNA.
  • Jay: Obsessed with The Doors in his youth, knows every nuance.
  • Bobby: Loves music but isn’t one for deep-dive fandom like Jay—lists bands he admires but isn’t obsessive.
• They poke fun at each other's approaches:
  • Jay teases Bobby about listening to "different songs for different moods" and not being as passionate.
  • Bobby admits, "I love music. I just don't get into it, it's not my thing to know all the ins and the outs of the band." [03:38]

Substance Habits and Addictions

[07:43–17:00]

• Cigarette nostalgia:
  • Both hosts detail the rituals and aura around being a smoker.
  • They roleplay “old comic” tropes, including advice laced with cliché and faux-gravitas.
• Jay shares the story of teaching himself to smoke just to hang out with Dave Attell after a breakup.
  • “I taught myself how to smoke so I could hang out with David Tell when my girlfriend broke up with me.” [09:36]
  • Both laugh at the strange social sacrifices made for belonging.
• Economics of addiction:
  • Discussion on how expensive smoking is now (~$8,000/year for Jay).
  • Bobby: "Rather do meth. I think meth is less." [17:08]

Friends’ Drinking Styles & Partying Reputations

[10:47–15:40]

• Who’s a good drunk?
  • Jay and Bobby list friends with distinct drinking styles, agreeing that Jay keeps things “fun” because booze never hooked him the way it does others.
  • “Your addictions are kind of okay…Christine's addictions, not okay.” – Bobby [07:42]
• Nostalgia for "fun" DJ Lou vs. the present-day version.

Restaurant Stories and Jacob’s Cigarette Hustle

[18:00–24:09]

• Jacob recounts buying cigarettes in North Carolina and illegally selling them at double the price, aided by a Chinese busboy named Chen.
• Chen’s strange, affectionate racism and generosity:
  • “Marcel, black guy no good... Black guy bullshit. Pee pee on street, steal car, no pay rent.” – Jacob impersonating Chen [23:42]
  • The crew riff on the tension and affection in multicultural restaurants.

Doping in Sports & Performer Payouts

[25:04–35:42]

• MMA/Boxing economics:
  • Jay and Bobby gripe about how boxers and MMA fighters are compensated, comparing UFC/Reebok’s restrictions on fighter sponsorship to boxers’ golden era paydays.
  • “That was always the crazy difference...Mike Tyson...92 million dollar payday.” – Jay [26:34]
• Drug rules in sport:
  • Both argue athletes shouldn’t be drug tested for weed or even PEDs—“Let them do whatever they want so long as they're cranking balls 900 ft.” – Bobby [32:02]

The Dane Cook Saga: Comedy Grudges, New Bromances & Tour Posters

Initiation:

[42:06–47:50]

• Bobby needles Jay for forging a new connection with Dane Cook, despite years of radio solidarity:
  • “I've done a radio show with you for almost three years…you don't even know Dane Cook's number?” [42:11]
• Jay reads out (without too much detail) a thoughtful congratulatory DM from Dane Cook regarding Jay’s performance at a roast:
  • “You had what I think was a tough spot, and you did the thing no one can learn. You either have it or you don’t. You made the room yours and then you crushed it...Congrats. You must have slept like a baby Cook.” – Dane Cook’s DM to Jay [43:48]

Bitterness & Banter:

[47:51–54:41]

• Bobby accuses Jay of being a “jellyfish” (spineless) for bringing up Bobby’s history with Dane when talking to Dane in person.
• Jay confesses to nervous overcompensation: “I needed to fill every empty space I could in that conversation. I didn’t know what else to do.” [54:17]
• The running gag: If Jay and Dane become best friends, will Bobby be left out, or will he "feature" on a fictional “Tourgasm 2” tour? [65:01]
  • “Am I featuring or, if time permitted…what are you saying?” – Bobby [66:31]
  • “No, I’m not squeezing him in. Bobby’s going out completely cold while they’re seating.” – Jay [66:36]

Nostalgia & Meta-Mockery:

[46:48–61:05]

• Road stories about the original Tourgasm (Dane Cook’s tour), the odd activities imposed, and Bobby’s infamous knee injury that became a plot point.
• Laughter about what a new tour would look like—Jay and Dane in True Religion jeans, mall food courts, and a bitter Bobby selling merch or giving marketing advice.

The Movie/Documentary Connection

[58:04–62:15]

• They acknowledge Dane Cook’s upcoming documentary about his life, parents’ deaths, and brother’s betrayal.
  • “He was literally the pinnacle of his life…both his parents died and his brother stole all—not some—all—his money.” – Bobby [58:11]

Friendship Rivalries

[61:05–74:49]

• Meta-argument about Jay’s “betrayal” by becoming close with Dane, Bobby’s feelings of being outflanked, and the silliness of old beefs.
  • “You could have just said, ‘Dude, when you're in town you should come on the show.’” – Bobby [50:45]
  • “The days of me straddling you while you're driving a car and just riding your fat cock are done.” – Jay [72:35] (classic Bonfire hyperbolic bro riff)

Absurdities & Callbacks

[73:49–76:13]

• The hosts imagine “Dane at Skankfest,” bespoke cigar lounges, and luxury tour amenities.
• Bobby and Jay joke about beauty routines, getting spray tans, and matching tour underwear.
  • “You can just go tummy to tummy, tip to tip and spin around.” – Bobby [63:08]

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Jay, on smoking for social status:
  “I taught myself how to smoke so I could hang out with David Tell when my girlfriend broke up with me.” [09:36]

• Bobby, on addictions:
  “Your addictions are kind of okay…Christine's addictions, not okay.” [07:42]

• Jay, agonizing over a reply to Dane Cook:
  “I gotta think of the perfect thing to say!” [44:27]

• Bobby, on his role in the potential new tour:
  “Why don't you just make me sell the merch?” [66:12]

• Jay, on his and Dane’s hypothetical beauty routine:
  “It’s so much space for physical comedy. We get physical comedy together in the mornings. That's what we call yoga.” [51:05]

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Timestamps for Highlight Segments

• [02:23] – Lifelong Band Fandoms & Musical DNA
• [07:43] – Smoking Nostalgia & Comic Advice Parody
• [09:36] – Learning to Smoke for Social Clout
• [17:00] – Calculating the Cost of Cigarette Addiction
• [18:00] – Jacob’s Restaurant Cigarette Syndicate
• [25:04] – UFC and Boxing Payouts / Athlete Sponsorship Debates
• [42:06] – The Dane Cook DM & Jay’s New Friendship
• [47:51] – Bobby’s Jealousy and "Tourgasm 2" Mockery
• [58:04] – Dane’s Documentary and Exploiting His Life Story
• [65:01] – Tour Poster Bit: Bobby "Featuring" on the Tour
• [73:49] – Imagining Dane at Skankfest & Luxury Greenrooms
• [76:01-76:13] – "Main Cookie" / End-of-Episode Callback

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Tone and Style

The episode is consistently fast-paced, self-deprecating, and steeped in the hosts’ mutual affection and willingness to push each other's buttons. Their playful competitiveness—especially regarding loyalty, old feuds, and the allure of celebrity—makes for an episode that’s both revealing and absurdist, with riffs that blur the line between real grievances and standup bit.

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Summary

"Dane’s Main Cookie" exemplifies The Bonfire’s brand: unfiltered friendship, candid talk about vices and showbiz, and meta-mockery about their place in comedy’s chaotic hierarchy. The banter about Dane Cook serves as a lens for the hosts to tackle their own insecurities and camaraderie. For listeners, the episode combines relatable stories (about music, partying, and money) with niche industry gossip and the sort of inside jokes that make longtime fans feel like part of the crew.

Notable Meta-Gag: By the end, even their riffing on the episode’s own structure (fake tour posters, featured slots, merchandise) serves as a running commentary on comedy ego, aging in showbiz, and the endless cycle of new friendships and old grudges.

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For those who missed the episode: Prepare yourself for lots of groaning, laughter, rapid-fire sarcasm, and a master class in radio chemistry.

Transcript

[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

Run with me. Hey, Bobby, let's run.

[Jacob]

Bada bing. You put two in the back of their brain.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So good, Lou.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's a clip of Jacob hating Italians.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He does hate them Italians.

[Bobby Kelly]

He does.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's up everybody? It's the bonfire. It's the lost tapes. Here. As always slaying it. Face card. Always slaying. The great Robert Kelly straight slays. The baddies are back. Big time.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's up, baby?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The Betty's are way back, Bobby. It's so back.

[Bobby Kelly]

You love this show.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, they were dicking around with some new bitches in the Dominican Republic. Get them out of here. I don't know these bitches. The gals are back for chapter to Baddies usa.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's the. The boy one, the gay one called Bad Boys.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I lost. I stopped caring. It's just. It's just 15 of the same super effeminate gay guy and one straight guy who beats them all up. It's just boring.

[Bobby Kelly]

You let me know when they have baddies Trans. I'm in. I want to see some.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If I told you, if I told you, if I told you Baddies USA was all trans, you would just agree with me. Go. Oh. Oh, I'm an idiot. I didn't. Oh, I must not have seen that.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's what I want. I want to see a. A bunch of hot trans going at it instead of boobs being pulled out, a nice schlong swipping out of a pair of panties. I love it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm Big J. Never the little one, Never the small. Nope. What do they say? I'm Big J. Never the little One. I think they say that you guys don't watch the baddies. What am I asking you for? Weird. The science is in. We were listening to that song, that Door song. I said this to someone the other day when LA Woman came on. I know every improv and all those songs that Jim Morrison does. You're have an easy answer to this question, Lou. It's Pearl Jam. But is there a band? For me, it was the time I got into them, the Doors. The time I got into them and how much I was into them for that time.

[Bobby Kelly]

I.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's like in my DNA, I know every beep and boop the guy makes in the songs. The timing of it all. It's just in me. Do you have a band like that at all, where it's just like. I. There's not a part of the song that I don't know exactly how he does it.

[Bobby Kelly]

The.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The difference in the live one versus the recorded one.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Pearl Jam.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it's not Pearl Jam. You're lying. You're stealing. Somebody's. There might do. You might. You know that, right? There's a. There's a certain live version, you know, because the way he yells or screams something in it. Right?

[Bobby Kelly]

Right. Or he'll change a lyric or forget a lyric.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And you know it. And you know all those spots.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby. I feel like music just doesn't touch you that way.

[Bobby Kelly]

I. I love music. I was just thinking about this the other day, I swear to God. Because dawn and Max love music in the car. They always. He'll just play music. She'll always have music. When I take her car. It's always got a fucking station on. I. I love music. I just don't get into. It's not my thing to know all the ins and the outs of the band. I love Aerosmith. I love the Cult. I love Led Zeppelin. I love. You know, I like fucking Youngblood. I like. I like music. I love it. I just don't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, you were younger. It has to catch you young. Whatever the things we're talking about. No bands caught me to that level as the Doors did when I was like 12 or whatever. It was 13.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, same. And the thing is about Bobby is he doesn't listen to the same stuff over and over again. Like, I've listened to the same live versions of my favorite. If I love it, I'm gonna keep listening.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Listen to the same.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, No, I like. I like different songs for different moods. When I'm driving in the car on the west side Highway, I might throw in some, you know, mellow stuff.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All you're doing. You're not answering the question. You're just describing how gay you are in the car. What I'm asking, was there a band when you were younger? Maybe the answer is no.

[Bobby Kelly]

First of all, you've. The one who made me gay in the car.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Of course.

[Bobby Kelly]

With your songs.

[Jacob]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love when I drive with you. It's an experience, you understand. You remind me of my old roommate, Larry Rapucci.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A lot of people say that. I gotta tell you how many times people mistake me for Larry Rapucci. It's insane.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look him up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I thought about changing my name to the Pooch. Yeah. Larry Repucci. Yeah. At your service. Man, I'm not arguing this anymore. This guy must look a lot like me.

[Bobby Kelly]

He was so into music like you when you did a road gig with him. He would make a tape, but he would DJ the tape. So he'd go in his room with a microphone. And next up, we got the Cult. This is Bobby's favorite song.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Next up, we got Looking Glass with Brandy. I thought, you're a fine girl.

[Bobby Kelly]

So he would. Yeah, but he would do stuff like that. It wouldn't be the same. It would be all different songs for the road trip. But he would dj.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's funny for sure to do that. But that guy definitely did not get.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, he did not.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, the Pooch didn't get pussy.

[Bobby Kelly]

You should start doing that. That would be great if you started making people.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I've offered to do it here at Sirius for borderline free. And they said, no, we're not allowed. And then I have to go. Then I have to sit in the car with people and then go like this. I go, hey, you want to know the next three songs after this song? And they're going to go, why? I go, because I was in the car yesterday. Yesterday I was in the car listening to the yacht rock station. And I know that after this comes this and then this because they're just playing a loop when they could have me in there, grooving, hitting a vape pen, having fun. Yeah, they don't want it. You know what they said? They're not paying DJ Lou.

[Jacob]

Right?

[Bobby Kelly]

They don't care about talent.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That was their answer. They said, no, we're not gonna pay DJ Lou. This is back when DJ Lou. Remember when DJ Lou was fun as. Yeah, he was coming here and get plastered.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, don't say that. Dj, you're fun. You're fun now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Well, now he's so happy that we don't have to come in and do this extra shift because it was not gonna be any fun. Now my head's fun.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're fun. I know I'm fun because I've seen pictures, you know, memories come up on your phone. And every picture from like two years ago and beyond is like me going

[Jacob]

with a beer in my hand.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm like, that's. That's kind of fun. Who is that? I don't want to hang out with that asshole.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, I say the same. Back to Christine. Dude, you were a fucking fun party until it goes haywire. And just for some reason, you don't have enough to make it go haywire.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you're. You're one of the only ones that know how to keep it fun. You know?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why is that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Because. Because you don't have the addictive gene in you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's insane to say that. I smoke cigarettes non stop. I know you don't have the.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't have the ability to quit bad things.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I have to quit bad things. But something about booze just doesn't talk to me that much.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but you do things that aren't. You're addicted to music, you're addicted to cigarettes. You're addicted to things that kill you slowly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Music kills me. No, music kills me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he was talking about him. He was. He was addicted to booze and drugs. Heavy drugs. You. You don't do heavy drugs. You smoke pot. But you're addicted to it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Of course.

[Bobby Kelly]

But it's not gonna kill you. You're addicted to music. That's a good thing. Your addictions are kind of okay. You know what I mean? Like Christine's addictions. Not okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right. Well, which ones?

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, I'm not gonna get into it because I don't wanna out her, but I'm sure she did some stuff that wasn't good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It wasn't an addiction.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was just way too much Molly. Yeah, that's called necessarily call it an addiction.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No booze. But I don't even know if booze was your addiction. You just don't handle it good.

[Bobby Kelly]

Get.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Which by the way, just move yourself right into the Gertrude's puzzle of every other chick I've ever met my entire life.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, you have a type. Like Taylor Sheridan?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it's not even me. It's just observing the world. No one's good when they're drunk. Huh?

[Bobby Kelly]

Couldn't Carla like throw him back?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She could. And then sometimes she starts smashing something. Yeah, Shane, sometimes she start throwing up and whatever and It'd be a thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Shane is good when he's drunk. Shane, I mean, I've seen him drink all night and not really change at all.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, no, for sure. He knows how to. He holds his booze well.

[Bobby Kelly]

Cory, Ellie, Corelli, the only thing happens to him. He spills things. He'll just spill shit. And that's when you know he's shit faced. Still fun though. Still fun.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I've just never like. And maybe it's because I just saw it more before I ever started drinking that I was just like, okay, I know for a fact there's no fun in the. This guy, you know, the fucking falling over, like. Yeah, I know. That's. I'm like, that's the opposite of what I'm trying to do. I'm out here, I'm like, I'm trying to get probably pussy or like.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Or you know, be loose and have conversation with people and like, you know, be social and stuff. Like nothing about it wants to get to like. So it's like I drink to get to that. And then when I'm like, look at me mixing and mingling. And then I go, thank God. Diet Coke, please. Oh, God, I get stuff. But that's how I. The cigarettes was the funniest. I told you. I used to. When I tried to teach myself how to smoke so I could hang outside with David, tell when my girlfriend broke up with me.

[Bobby Kelly]

You what?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I taught myself how to smoke so I could hang out with David. Tell when my girlfriend broke up with me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did I stutter?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I just wanted to make sure. That was the gayest thing I've ever heard.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It is, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

You tell yourself how to smoke to hang it with another guy. Yeah, okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, he took an interest in me too. Yeah, yeah. But we, But I remember when I drive up and back to the Jersey Turnpike still, I was still coming from South Jersey. When I would go up, back and forth, I. I go, all right, you get on the Turnpike at exit 3, so you smoke right away. And then. Damn it, when you get to exit seven, that's a good break. Another one, it's like. And then exit nine, because that's a big gap. The seven to nine is a bit bigger. It's like 7A and all that stuff. And then I go, when I get to nine, I go, okay. And I'm telling you, when I was doing it, I was doing it like a. All right, here we go. And I get that kind of green feeling and the whole thing and go through. And now I just mentally have those landmarks as when I drive there. I smoke at those breaks to smoke less. To be like, dude, don't just smoke the whole drive. Like, wait for this exit. Wait for this exit so I don't just keep pounding them. So it's so funny how it's. The time changes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. I was addicted to cigarettes. It was terrible. It was terrible. I, I, I'm addicted.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You were so fun and looked so cool, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

I did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You did look really cool.

[Bobby Kelly]

Cigarettes were. Cigarettes are a fun addiction.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do you remember back when you looked cool?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

With cigarettes.

[Bobby Kelly]

I do. I remember that. I love packing cigarettes. When you packed it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Not even. I haven't packed. This is the first time I've packed cigarettes in 30 years. This is not nothing you have to do anymore. But I still am doing it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but it's so cool when you get the cigarette and it has like an inch of space between the top

[Big Jay Oakerson]

and I'll drag them and Know what I mean? Yeah, dude, for sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Give me cigarettes, huh?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, dude, I feel you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, cigarettes are great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's up? Anybody want. I'm going to do this. Get a go. Oh, dude. Do you, you want one?

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude? Don't, don't stop.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All right. You guys good?

[Jacob]

I'm good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll be myself. That's fine.

[Bobby Kelly]

I, I don't even smoke cigars that much anymore.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Bobby Kelly]

I. Let me get a cigarette. Let me get a cigarette.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This guy's great.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let me get a cigarette. Let me see if I still look good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Grab yourself a stick, dude. Oh, my God. First of all, 20 years younger, immediately. 20 years younger, immediately.

[Bobby Kelly]

He looks like he's about to say something.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He did it right. And you did. And Bobby was. Bobby was a finger thumb holder. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We drove in the car, smoking a couple times.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let me tell you something, Jay, what you want to do in this business. First thing you want to do is shut the fuck up. You talk too much. Second thing you want to do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, Bobby, you're not doing your old thing. Bobby did a lot of, like, the, the teeth thing while I told you. Because he goes, yeah. He's like. I don't know. This guy's bugging me. His face is bugging me over here with the smoke coming out.

[Bobby Kelly]

I wait till the end, go. Then I go, this kid is an.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. And he goes, yeah, Bobby did a lot of this. He goes. He goes, no, like a lot of something. Like, you know, like the hand. He was great with it.

[Bobby Kelly]

My favorite thing to do is I'd go up to some new Comic. I go, how much you weigh? He'd be like, I don't know, 170, 185. I'd throw. Go. Step on that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let's make a thing. If we all get to 60, me, you, and DJ Lou. Yeah, let's just go fucking hard. You guys come back to smoking, drinking. Let's just go out.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, dude, that's fucking five years for me. That's very fast.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, Geez. I was talking about the end, but, yeah, sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm. I'm quitting this business at 65.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay?

[Bobby Kelly]

I refuse to be rich, Voss. I refuse to be taking a portable George Foreman girl on the road and fucking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, he's got a very distinct diet at his advanced age. His hearing aids. How crazy is that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, did you see them?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's more crazy is that the vibe in this room. It was like a pedophile just got convicted. And the family was celebrating the conviction, and they brought the. They brought the pedophile in the room to meet the family, to say a few words. That was the vibe that was in this room. I heard laughter and conversation. And then when Voss walked in, I heard.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, that's what I was gonna say. I'm sorry. I was trying to cut, but I was saying when I came in, it was that I was like, I haven't seen anybody since. I haven't talked to anybody since the roast. And I came over like, hey. Everyone's ever like, hey. And then Voss came in, and Jacob saw his face, Turned ghost white.

[Jacob]

Yeah, the last time I saw him, he had me pinned in an alley, forcing himself. That was the idea. And then I. Now I see him in court.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you had to face your abuser

[Jacob]

to face my abuser?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, you don't have to take like that. Dude, you gotta start putting your foot down, man. First things first, and let me straighten you out right away. Don't let another man take advantage of you. I got. You know what I'm saying?

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't forget, I used to do this a lot, too. I go, jacob, look at me. Look at me. Don't take from anybody, Understand?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's good. Oh, a little bit. A little bit of the talking while it's still in there you go. Listen, I'll tell you, if you want to do that, you can, but I don't know if it's a good idea.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob, the thing you got to do, right, you got to make sure nobody gets in your way like that again. You understand? Look at me. Look at me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You understand? All right. You know why people treat you like such a. You know why people treat you like a. Jacob, I'll tell you. I didn't want this cigarette.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll tell you why people treat you like a. Could you let them walk all over you? Could you let them walk all over you? You know, people walk all over. You understand that, Draco?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, look at me.

[Bobby Kelly]

I've been thinking about this for a little bit. You gotta stop reading books so much.

[Jacob]

I can't. I can't do that.

[Bobby Kelly]

It makes you a silly man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob. People start to think you're a little light in the loafers because of the way. Because of the way you're behaving. I'm ducking down. I'm doing. I'm getting ready to throw it out, but I want to get the last few. Jacob. And I'll tell you this, dude, if you keep letting it happen, it will continue to happen. All right, let's go in.

[Jacob]

So cool. Smoking is.

[Bobby Kelly]

Smoking is. This is my favorite right now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You train yourself. I did it when you. When you have to want it.

[Bobby Kelly]

When you listen to somebody, though, is the best. Not talking. But this. Stop talking to me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby goes. I think by the end of the week, we should be able to cover everything on the sheet here, because I know we have a couple of topics that are older and stuff like, damn, dude, it looks so cool. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Then just tap it out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can you do it to me? Can you do it to me? Can you talk to me a little bit?

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay, listen, the thing is, we need to make sure that when we have these shows, we get together before the show a little bit and we.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm cold in mine. I'm cold.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, it's the winter. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? We got to do that. Is that cool with you? Are you good?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fine. All right. All right. Let's get out of here, huh?

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, all right. Put these out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm going to put this out. Jacob, I see you over there. Stop being a.

[Bobby Kelly]

Have you ever at. You know what I did one time be what? Before I quit. Have you ever added up the money you spend weekly and then do it for the year? How much money? How much money? Just would be a fun little. Little.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I did the app before.

[Bobby Kelly]

How much money do you spend a week on cigarettes? How many packs you smoke a day?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

160 bucks.

[Bobby Kelly]

Maybe 160. So how many packs you smoke a day? One and a half, two?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

One. On average, I'd say one yeah, sometimes a little more, I guess.

[Bobby Kelly]

How much is a pack of cigarettes now?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm averaging at 20 bucks.

[Bobby Kelly]

20 bucks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But it's not that, because. Is it 20?

[Bobby Kelly]

That's crazy here.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think it's 22 over here. But. But it's. But when I go on the road.

[Bobby Kelly]

Rather do meth. I think meth is when I go on the road.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Should I try math? You should. I go on. I'll try math. When I go on the road, though, and I buy cigarettes on the weekends. Has to count for some of that. So I'm saying the average is out because on the road it's less.

[Bobby Kelly]

So 120. How much a week? 125.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

160.

[Bobby Kelly]

I said 160 bucks a week.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So I'm figuring eight packs a week at $20 a pack is what my guess is.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll pick up a calculator. There's 15 people in here, but I'll do it. No, but for the year. Oh, forget it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

160 times 12. Hang on, Paco.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a week, right? 160 times 52. 8,300.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, that's not bad. Oh, it's a week. Oh, we did say it's not bad.

[Bobby Kelly]

$8,000 a year. That's not bad.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

$8,0000 a year.

[Bobby Kelly]

$8,000 a year. That's not bad.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A blip.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's a blip.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank you, SiriusXM. That would kill me. What?

[Jacob]

That would kill me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

$8,000 a year.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jesus Christ, Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I can give you 8,000 more dollars a year. But I will buy you $8,000 worth of cigarettes. If you start smoking with me, I'll buy you $8,000 worth of cigarettes.

[Jacob]

When I worked in the French restaurant, I went. I don't remember. I went down for some trip to North Carolina.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why did you ever quit? And you. You seem like you belong at a French restaurant.

[Jacob]

I was the runner. It was the most Misera. Had to watch every. All the waiters get bang. All the women that came in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Eventually, you could have become the fountain out front, spitting water.

[Jacob]

But me. And then I went down and I bought cigarettes. In North Carolina. I think there was, like, no tax or something. And then we came. I came up and me and Chen, the Chinese busboy, would sell them at a double the price. But we made it. We made a lot of money.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You had.

[Bobby Kelly]

You had a friend called Chen.

[Jacob]

I became friends with him.

[Bobby Kelly]

Where's Chen now?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

In the joint, I think.

[Jacob]

He's still there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Really? Can we call him?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's in the joint for trafficking.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to talk to Chen. He probably has Rolexes now.

[Jacob]

He's the funniest guy. He was older, Asian, I assume he's from China. He had a very, very broken English accent.

[Bobby Kelly]

How'd it go? How'd it go? How'd he talk?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You had so much access to cigarettes. You never smoked him because he had those old crazy Asian smoker teeth, didn't he? He did. He smoked right in the front like this.

[Bobby Kelly]

He.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I used to get.

[Jacob]

Well, I mean, he would. He had very. He was a racist.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A racist Asian. Ironic.

[Jacob]

He. He just loved. But he would curse at all the. The cooking staff. It was either Latino, African or Latino or. Or from Puebla.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Used to the African. More like Africantime.

[Jacob]

But he would say it. He would kill me. I would cry laughing because he goes to you, Marcel, fucking guy, make me food.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[Jacob]

And he would do it like that. And they would all laugh.

[Bobby Kelly]

How do you do it?

[Jacob]

Fucking guy, make me food. I'm hungry. And then they would make him food. But he would continue to be. Say nothing but racist stuff. But. But took care of them also brought them stuff back from China.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know Jacob had a brief dalliance with the triads.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. It's fucking weird that you. You had a Chinese friend.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He goes. Then he cut a chicken's head off right in front of me.

[Jacob]

He said, the most racist.

[Bobby Kelly]

What do you bring the cooks? Like oranges and incense? What did he bring them?

[Jacob]

He brought them back tea. Green tea.

[Bobby Kelly]

To. To. To Spanish and black people.

[Jacob]

Yeah, it was really good tea.

[Bobby Kelly]

Really?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's such a weird drink. Tea, bed and salsa.

[Jacob]

But I will never forget this. I guess I should. I. This is him not me saying, sure,

[Bobby Kelly]

but say it like him, though.

[Jacob]

Well, at the end of the show,

[Big Jay Oakerson]

make sure you keep an A on the end.

[Jacob]

At the end of. No, no, he never. Never said that. But he had a. He had his opinion of black people. The mark.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, wait a second. I gotta. That was a good one. That hit me like a.3 seconds after he said, hold on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

For Jim. For Jim. I'm thinking about Jim. Don't worry about Jim.

[Jacob]

One of the cook. All the cooks were from either, like I said Mexico or. Or Ivory Coast. None of them were black American.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The kind you like?

[Jacob]

Well, no, there are all the. The greatest guys that got along with them. But. So at the end of the shift, the. The end of the. The dinner service, right? The. Everyone who had to bring all the trash out and we would sit outside and you know, you. That's when the doors open up outside, and you would walk up the stairs at every restaurant to take the garbage out. And so Marcel was taking the garbage out, and Chen was sitting.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Clear your goddamn throat. It's crazy sounding.

[Bobby Kelly]

And Chen said to him, stop, dude, are you vaping? Do you have puppies?

[Jacob]

Hold on, I'm trying to get the storm. Trying to remember specifically, why am I sounding.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Every time you breathe, you're going,

[Jacob]

oh, sorry, I didn't hear it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Gotta clear your throat, bro.

[Jacob]

I'm a little congested.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I guess you're back. Still there.

[Jacob]

No. There it is. I'm hearing it now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you have gills?

[Jacob]

No. A sinus infection.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, yes. Do you have a sinus infection?

[Jacob]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Where? In your neck. Gills.

[Jacob]

Dust mites.

[Bobby Kelly]

What is that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What it is?

[Jacob]

It's dust mites.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, they live in your eyeball.

[Jacob]

It's killing me. I wake up with a headache.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But it must be awful to be so small that mites can kill you.

[Bobby Kelly]

What is a fight? Why do you have dust mites?

[Jacob]

They live off of dead skin. It's like a banquet for them. So they're.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's gonna take at least 10 of them to kill Jacob.

[Jacob]

Yeah, I got an allergy test, and my arm started burning and itching. And he said, yeah, you're allergic to dust mites.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, but can't you get rid of them?

[Jacob]

Ugh, I'm hearing it myself.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's talking to a box fan.

[Bobby Kelly]

It does.

[Jacob]

I have two options.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I am your father.

[Jacob]

I encased my mattress and pillows. I was hoping that was gonna do it, but it hasn't. They're still attacking me in my sleep.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you say you encased your mattress in pillows?

[Jacob]

If I. Dust mite?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. He's an older man. He's going to plastic wrap all of his. Bobby, look at me with my cigarette. You won't catch me doing that. I'll just get a new bed.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sounds weird to me. You sleep in a plastic. Maybe that's his kink.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know, right? Get a room, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, why don't you sleep in a bubble like that John Travolta guy?

[Jacob]

I love that movie.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know you did. That's your dream.

[Jacob]

What a dream.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, we should get him.

[Jacob]

Nobody can get in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just you and your dust mites. Just you in a world of dust mites.

[Bobby Kelly]

So you're coming out?

[Jacob]

No, we're all sitting outside. At the end, they would. All the. Every of the staff would kind of like, chill outside while the. The guys were taking the garbage out. And Chen saw Marcel Throwing the garbage out. And he said, Marcel, black guy no good. Black guy bullshit. Yeah, you make pee pee on the street. Steal the car, no pay the rent. Black guy bullshit. And then that was it. You're right, Chen. You're right. Marcel would just laugh. And then he would bring him tea from China.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He goes, oh, and also. And karate only for defense only. And that's all. That's all. Black guy no good defense only.

[Bobby Kelly]

Black eyed pee is still car.

[Jacob]

Yeah, because he. Apparently he had just watched a. A black guy pee on. On the street. So that became wasting his pee on street. Black men did do supposed to drink.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're supposed to pee in Coke.

[Jacob]

But he said it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He goes, he's not even being hilarious.

[Jacob]

The fact that he just. You do a.

[Bobby Kelly]

You do a better Chen than Jacob, by the way.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hilarious pee, peeing Coke not on the street.

[Bobby Kelly]

Thank you.

[Jacob]

I just always love that. He said, make pee pe stream.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, man. That guy comes from martial arts royalty. Who saw that coming? Did you watch. Did you watch the Ronda Rousey fight, Right?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I watched it. Yeah, I watched it all.

[Jacob]

3 seconds, link, and you miss it?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it was. I mean, we were talking about yesterday.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was kind of sad that no one gave a.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, they. The arena wasn't full and they have. Every seat has a light in it,

[Big Jay Oakerson]

and you can see the lights everywhere. Yeah, I have no idea what the attendance was on at all, but I know if you went, you just watched particularly the main eventers all fighting a fight they didn't want to fight. And then when they were done going like, yeah, I don't care. Yeah, Nate Diaz. They were like, what was that? He goes, yeah, I wasn't gonna win, so who cares?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, the.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nate, why don't you try to fight back? He was like, dad, yeah, they actually made. Be here all night.

[Bobby Kelly]

They made more money than the UFC fighters made. Of course, for that. For those fights, Ronda Rousey made 2.5, Gina made 1.5, and. And Strickland, I think, made for being the champion made 1.2.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. It's for becoming the champ. He's doing the. He said Jake Paul is the Ari Shafir of this kind of thing. He's shaking it up.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would say Louis Gomez.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I'll say Ari Shafir is because he's changing. Like, Ari's changed precedent places. Like, he exposes the. But he's going like, if you're a little less stingy, I guess with the money.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know, you can make these guys get paid. Look There's a. That was always the crazy difference between, like, why would you go in? At first it was like, well, ufc, small, it's not that big of a thing. So that's why you're accepting like smaller, like, you know, five figure, low six figure, like fight purses. Even the champs.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But it gets to a point where. Well, what's the. What's the combination of getting to like a Floyd Mayweather or Mike Tyson in their prime, making 92 million dollar payday. Remember that? It was like they'd get like close to $100 million on some of his fights individually.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, Floyd Mayweather, actually, he got part of the parking and the concessions.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's why these guys just have gold houses. Yeah, their whole house is just gold.

[Bobby Kelly]

But he, he. Yeah, he was like, dude, I'm bringing all these people. I want some of everything. He was the first one to do that. And everybody else in the car to got paid nothing. But the ufc, where they kind of fucked the fighters back in the day, is they got to come in with sponsorship. Sponsorship. And they made a lot of money off of sponsorship all over their shorts. And then they got a deal with Reebok and they had to wear Reebok and they couldn't have sponsors.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Isn't that fucked up? No more sponsors for their, like, on their clothes and stuff. No more individual sponsors able to be advertising the thing. But the ring, each time you see the Octagon, it's got more and more. The whole thing is just decorated with sponsors. So the, the company's making money and now you're not allowed to on the side.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know who the first fighter to do that was? Hopkins. He came out with.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Tell me about Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

He. Hang on a second. Give me a sec.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bernard Hopkins.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bernard Hopkins came out with it written on his back.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, he had a sponsor, golden palace,

[Bobby Kelly]

right on his back and made a ton of cash. And then they were like, hey, we don't have to put this on your back. We can actually just put it on your shorts.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, how about your stamp around your forehead? Am I right, Bobby?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't have to put.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All right, Bobby boy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, turn around. I got to write my, my company's name on your back, kid.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Turn around, idiot. I'm going to jot something on your stupid back.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm going to jot on your back. And halfway through the fight, it's going to be sweated off. But listen, I'm feeling Rat Pack.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm feeling very Rat Pack.

[Bobby Kelly]

With Frank Sinatra.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sir cring do budy do and how do you do?

[Bobby Kelly]

You got to hit the broad in the cheek, not in the stomach. Oh, I don't learn.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know what it is, but it's strictly taboo, that witchcraft.

[Bobby Kelly]

It really bugs me that anybody can do it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a shitty, stupid art.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's beautiful.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. It's like finding. Hey, do you guys remember the most famous walker in the world? It's like being like the best person at raising your hand. It's. It's every. All of us can do it. I love kronega. Have you ever tried it? Because you can do it. If you love it so much, just entertain yourself at home all day.

[Bobby Kelly]

I like witchcraft because it comes to me. Little man, shut your face before I kick you in the nuts.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Treat you like one of my dinghy broads at home.

[Bobby Kelly]

Give it up for my black conductor over here. He's been with me for 20 years. Guy's good. He's got a family and everything. He's a good dad.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This guy's actually a pretty intelligent colored fella. I gotta tell you. I've known him for about 15 years now. Good egg, good egg. Doobity do.

[Bobby Kelly]

Give it up for my Asian drummer. I've never seen one of those before. You never will either. He's the only one in the world. That's why he's with me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I call him Taco Hot Sauce. It doesn't make any sense, baby.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, line up over here if you want me to kiss your wife. Life. Have you. Yeah, the. But the fights. The Naro fight, whatever his name is, He. That fight was great. He's great. He's a. I can't believe somebody would get in the ring with that dude. He's so.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then Jon Jones now just looks like someone's uncle. And they're. They're talking to each other from across the arena. Yeah, he's like, I'll fight Jon Jones. Jones. Like, you don't want none of this. Go sit down, Jon Jones. Talk about a guy. Jon Jones really made himself a legend in such short time, which is such a testament to how good of a fighter he is. Yeah, his youngest, he made himself so. And then. But if you really think about. He has two thirds, if not more of his career has just been like, this guy sucks.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he did it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, it's constantly having to pull out of fights and they fire him from the UFC for this. And then he gets a dui. It's just never ends.

[Bobby Kelly]

Drugs and alcohol him up. Couldn't handle it. Did the drugs, alcohol, partied.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But he hangs in there. So he shows up to things still. It's like, UFC's wrong. This whole thing's stupid. It's like, no, you. Every way you could up, you up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but they did. They. Nate Diaz, Nick Diaz, like that because they. They. The pot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, weed.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, they made. It's like, dude, let these guys smoke a little weed. Who gives a. They. They banned him from the sport for being on marijuana.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You just gotta be smarter about that stuff because if you watch.

[Bobby Kelly]

It took away his career. I mean, he was at the pinnacle.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But I watch all those documentaries. If you watch any documentary about 90s basketball and all that shit, they all like, yeah, I went home after that game, smoked a joint, and just like, you know, I had to shake it off because I knew we had another playoff game coming up in two days. And you're like, well, they definitely weren't allowed to smoke pot in the NBA at that point. At least for sure when they're talking about. But they just did anyway. There's no way how to get around.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't think they be smart. I don't think they should drug test

[Big Jay Oakerson]

our athletes at all.

[Bobby Kelly]

At all. I missed the Mark McGuire Home Run Derby. No, that was at Fenway park.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Talking about performance enhancing drugs. I'm talking about. I don't know if you want. I don't know if you want the Oakland. The Oakland A's to all be half on coke.

[Bobby Kelly]

I say let them do whatever they want. As long as they're cranking balls 900ft. That's fucking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You need drugs that worked for that. Like, if someone's on heroin and they're just nodding off of the bed on

[Bobby Kelly]

their dude, let it happen. How great would that be?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He goes. And he just gets walked because he takes four terrible pitches. And then just. They go, sir. So yeah, he goes, you take your base. He goes, oh, yeah, yeah, guys on Molly.

[Bobby Kelly]

He gets hit by the ball. He goes out and hugs the pitcher. Yeah, it's all right, man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He goes, the pain is how I know I'm alive. Without pain, there's no pleasure, man. I'm be over here.

[Jacob]

The Russians are the best with the. The performance enhancing drugs. Have you ever watched the documentaries and how intricate their cheating went? Yeah, the electric outlets was just a conduit. You could pass steroids. The room was just designed to be able to get to pass performance enhancing drugs. It was like a magic. I don't know how to explain it, man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The Russians loved it. Aren't they the ones that cheated in that chess? I didn't watch that.

[Jacob]

They were banned from the Olympics. They cheat so hard.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I like it.

[Bobby Kelly]

But they also used to play. They used to play our college. It was professional men in the Olympics playing our college students. We didn't allow. I think it was until the basketball. Right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, I think the thing in the Olympics for a while, I think technically it was. The idea was they were supposed to be amateur. It was supposed to be our best amateur athletes. Yeah, but they didn't make much sense.

[Bobby Kelly]

They were putting their best men.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Because they didn't have actual leagues. Yeah, no, that's why they didn't have actual leagues. So it was their best.

[Bobby Kelly]

But then we were like, fuck it. They put Larry Bird and mj and they're like, all right, well, you guys are using your best. We're going to use our best. And it's all over.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's not, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

What the basketball, it's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They've had some rough years, too, the USA basketball. The problem is they start exposing that, where you're like, these guys are out there trying to throw alley dunks for a full court the whole time, and then before you know it, a bunch of Puerto Rican guys have just bang 17 threes in a row. That happened to him a couple times. They fucked up. Yeah, they up sometimes.

[Bobby Kelly]

But not those first couple of years.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, the first one, then the Iverson era was eight. Shit. And then they had the redeemed team, it was called. That was the one with LeBron where they just went in there and like, they. They marched right through again. Yeah, but there was a minute there where it's like, it's not always going to work like that. You get a bunch of those, like, the guys you think are the best, they all want to play one on one basketball. And then you get a team of fucking Turkey guys that just fucking pass the ball around and get wide open constantly. Because these guys are like, I think I'm gonna throw it behind my back off the backboard. On this next one, I'm gonna jump over this guy. He goes, that's great. But you're just hitting these two point dunks, and these guys are hitting half court threes the whole game. And I know everyone here is not strong at math, but you're gonna lose that way.

[Bobby Kelly]

This one who?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Derek Nowitzki, the Asian. Oh, there was no Asians on that team. Even Jeremy Lin wasn't even there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Does China have basketball team?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Are they good?

[Bobby Kelly]

Are they good, though?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think they're probably pretty good. They're like. I mean, that's where Yao Ming came from, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

Did they engineer people? They stretch them on something.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Listen, when they do that Dennis Robin documentary, the North Korean guys were pretty good. They could play. And they don't really have a league or anything out there either. That was like, guys, they're just like the best guys that they had out there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, they know that if they lose, their family dies.

[Jacob]

It's exactly right. We were watching. My nephew and I were laughing hysterically at the North Korean women's soccer team. They trained for four months and yeah, if they screw up, they're going to not have food and their families are going to be murdered. They have so much incentive to be the best.

[Bobby Kelly]

That happened in Iraq.

[Jacob]

They killed every. They destroyed every other team.

[Bobby Kelly]

When I went over to Iraq for the USO thing, we did a show in the soccer stadium and the guy brought me over to a wall and he sees all. He said, see all these bullet holes? When they lost the game, he just. He killed all. He killed the soccer team.

[Jacob]

Well, they landed.

[Bobby Kelly]

Shot him.

[Jacob]

They landed and they, He. They had their feet beaten on the tarmac. The Iraqi men forget.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They never forgiven you for that. Never forgiven you for going out there.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's that, Jay?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Performed for local Iraqi people. They're the enemy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I went and performed for our troops.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, some of your friends went and did that. You decided to go there and you go, well, got to entertain these guys too. That's not fair. Remember you kept saying that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I did it with your new pal, Dane Cook.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You knew I was thinking about that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's how you want to come on the show.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was thinking about. Yeah, you're fucking spineless jellyfish.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

We'll share our experiences with plaque psoriasis with psoriatic arthritis and Dr. Panico will talk about the possible connection.

[Bobby Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Bobby Kelly]

I was thinking about what a fucking weak man you are that why are

[Big Jay Oakerson]

you talking this right to camera?

[Bobby Kelly]

The fact that I've done a radio show with you and I've known you your whole career and now I've done a radio show with you for almost three years. Yeah, and you've. You don't even. You don't even know Dane Cook's number?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

And as soon as you see him?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, I think he. I think he shot it to me. Dms.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you got it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you take.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Was in dms?

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you reply to the dm?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you do. What did you say in the dm, you jellyfish?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let me check. Maybe. I didn't say anything.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know you said something. Yeah, I do. I know you said something.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, you don't.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, you. You probably thumbs up it or gave him a smiley face or.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nuh.

[Bobby Kelly]

What'd it say? She does like emojis. Because he doesn't know how to type. He can thumb type with the best of them. Really?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh.

[Bobby Kelly]

What does it say?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was just nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

What was it? Come on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I didn't write back, though. Genuinely. You see that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow, That's a lot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, that's a lot.

[Bobby Kelly]

What does it say? It's personal.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a little private, maybe. Private.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's private. But what does it say in general?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let me. Let me proofread before I just start reading it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is my name in it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Guy still still has it. Say what you will. God, the guy knows how to write

[Bobby Kelly]

his word usage.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He said very politely, hey, man, didn't have your number to text. I wanted to say you crushed on the roast. You had what I think was a tough spot, and you did the thing no one can learn. You either have it or you don't. You made the room yours and then you crushed it. The Keith moment. Holy. Wow. Awesome. Congrats. You must have slept like a baby cook.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sufi, man. Sufi brother.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then his number.

[Bobby Kelly]

There you go. You just showed it to the camera. Now everybody has his number.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I may have you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did Paco take that out? Paco didn't respond.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Not yet.

[Bobby Kelly]

He doesn't respond to anybody.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I gotta think of the perfect thing to say.

[Bobby Kelly]

I fucking called him the next day. He hasn't picked up the phone in a week. He hasn't talked to me, to be honest.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're right. You're right.

[Bobby Kelly]

It kind of makes me feel good because I'm like, well, he always answers my calls. Never.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I should write back.

[Bobby Kelly]

If it wasn't for me, if I didn't, it get him the pep talk.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's no way that's true. Either I don't answer all Christine's calls, or if I didn't give the pep talk, text. I guess eventually, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

If I didn't give him the pep talk to go in there, you wouldn't Even have met your new pal.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of your fault.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it's not my fault. It's your fault.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is self fulfilling prophecy.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's that you don't have a. You can't have. You don't have a. You don't have a spine. You turn into jelly when somebody likes you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What are we talking about? Cook?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I'm talking about you. You.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did he used to end your text by just going cook.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, sorry. That's not a thing for just you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I just want to make sure it's. What is what he's. Well, he doesn't do it anymore with you so make sure something he does with his friends.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's got. He does have the coolest last name in comedy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dane Cook.

[Bobby Kelly]

Cook.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dean Cook.

[Bobby Kelly]

You've been cooked. I would. I would definitely overuse that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh yeah. Every special would be something like that. Yeah, Cooked. Recooked.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. People would see how fat I was. They'd be. No, you've been cooking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Cook.

[Jacob]

Ease.

[Bobby Kelly]

During the pandemic I would have a. Hey, cooking with cook.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh yeah, dude. Pandemic. Cooking with cook.

[Bobby Kelly]

I can't believe though what a. There's not even the fact that you went. Dude. The fact that you went. You brought me into it when I wasn't even into it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let me tell you how much this is your fault. We actually have on the books a steakhouse date with me, him and Noam, me, Dane, Cook and Noam from the cellar are going to go on a friendship date and you set that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I. Look, I don't. I don't even. I don't even think that won't happen. I. I believe it will happen.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And we are going to have such a bobby gab session. But some good stuff. But then like some of the, like you know, like the. I know. Doesn't he do that all the time? Probably have a lot of that.

[Bobby Kelly]

You probably had that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There I go. You know when you take this guy on tour and he just acts like that all the time and then he slows everyone down because his stupid AC has the ACL of a. Every thing I'm doing you have to somehow get in and break a rule. Yeah. He did say at the party, he said your ACL is what ruined Torgasm. You ruin all my fun. He said if you didn't have the ACL of an old lady, everything probably would have been great. You probably would have been good luck Chuck. You probably would've just produced it.

[Bobby Kelly]

First of all, if I didn't have that ACL thing, it wouldn't have been interesting.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He was so funny watching Torgasm, that was. Everyone at home was rooting for Bobby. No one knew Gary well enough out in New York really in that regard, or Jay. And so we all knew Bobby and Bobby was like our guy on the show. And watching that every week was fucking. It was so exciting for us. But also it was the water. The water cooler conversation of just like. I don't. This is not what I've found comedy touring to be like at all. Like laser tag and skydiving and flying individual planes by yourselves, doing barrel rolls. I tend to do more like find the local Jimmy John's.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And number five.

[Bobby Kelly]

Number five.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, it'd be nice. Sometimes there's a Foot Locker downstairs or I'm attached to a mall is nice. I walk over the mall, maybe get a nice food court. Maybe at Annie Anne's. Pretzel.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But I will say it's never been full on games of laser tag or flag football.

[Bobby Kelly]

No. No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Never ridden a horse. I've.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I forgot we rode horses in Montana. Yeah, I forgot about that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now I have gone shopping for themed clothing. That has happened on the road before. That's fair. That's one thing I have done. But outside of that, I can't think of anything on the road where it's been like we're doing. This is like the activity here. Outside of. Oh, you know what? I guess it's not fair. But he also films it too. Bert, like, Bert's thing was very like that too. We're going kayaking. It's like, I'd rather not, man. We got a show at like 5pm and I go on kind of early and it's like, come on, we're only going to be kayaking from like noon till 4:30.

[Bobby Kelly]

You did Burtgasm.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was on Burtgasm.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you were Bobby K. On Burt. You were the. You were the instigator on Burgasm. No, you were actually the J. Davis on Burkegasm. I bet you made him tuna sandwiches.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude. Every day. The poor, the poor. The poor girls who had to set up the. The stuff every day to do. It was a. A knockdown drive. Me and Soder at that point too. It was like, all right, so we're all going surf lessons and we're like, oh, have fun. They'd be like, nah, we really want everybody to go because I don't come on. And then they'd get me with just like. You could just sit there and hang out and then me and Soder got pulled out into the middle of the ocean, almost died. But that's why I don't go, you know. You know, I never get pulled to the ocean and die in my hotel room.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay, I know what you're doing right now. And he's. He's really good at it when he diverts the. When it's. When I'm trying to say that he did something and he goes off somewhere else, and now we're down. We're on Burt's tour. You understand what I'm saying? I want to get back to what I was saying. I'm going to look at you, Jay, because the fact that he. I don't have a problem with him seeing Dane and being like, hey, oh, my God. Wow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's up?

[Bobby Kelly]

The fact. The. The problem I had driving home on the highway the other day. What are you texting? What are you doing?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you just post a new thing. It's funny. Oh, yeah, it's good stuff.

[Bobby Kelly]

The pro. The problem I have with what he did, he said, this is. This is what a. Just a neutral jellyfish Jay is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What are we talking about me?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm talking about you, Jellyfish.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that. That should be your name instead of jelly roll. Jellyfish.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jellyfish. That's a tour.

[Bobby Kelly]

He goes like this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Another close friend of mine.

[Bobby Kelly]

You gotta. You gotta. You guys. You and Bobby gotta work that out. There was no. He doesn't. There's no conf. He didn't need to bring my name into it. He didn't need to say that we had to work something out. He could have just said, dude, when you're in town, you should come on the show. He goes, you and Bob. He felt like he was the conduit between me and.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

These are the hands I gave.

[Bobby Kelly]

What'd you say?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Double and probably had a cigarette in my hands. I was like. I was like, no, no, not the podcast. You gotta come on the radio show. We gotta get you and Bobby in a room.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why in a room? Why what in a room? Do you have a room that would go.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did you. Yeah. I'm gonna mediate like it's high school. I have no idea what I was presenting to him, Bo. I don't know, but I tell you this, we're really close now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Good. I hope he becomes your best friend. Hope he has to stay at your house while he's in town.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, dude, you think he would?

[Bobby Kelly]

I hope so. Damn, dude, you know, he doesn't have to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, I have such a. I have Such a good backyard for physical comedy. It's so much space for physical comedy. We get physical comedy together in the mornings. That's what we call yoga. Physical comedying.

[Bobby Kelly]

I hope you catch him and his young bride doing it. Then you guess for him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Me too. I walk in, I'm gonna start smelling her naked body like my dog.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Because I'm just trying to see if that's what the smell on the sheets is.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why did you have to bring my name into it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's right. It's the only correlation I have to him at all. In my mind. I don't even know how he knew who I was in that moment.

[Bobby Kelly]

But why did you have to bring up the fact that we have to work something out?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don't know. Panic and fear.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, he was trying to be on your side.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I said I didn't.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not on my side. He's. Because if he just chummed it up

[Big Jay Oakerson]

with Dane without somehow mentioning. No, but Bobby's talking about when I was kind of like, Bobby's got to stop his. And you guys gotta.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that what you said?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. What I was like. But I go, I've told Bobby he's wrong a thousand times. I think I just need to get you guys in a room. And I. And I'm honest to God, Dan, if you could find it in your heart to forgive Bobby, I think that things would work out. That's why I said. And I was pointing the whole time with a cigarette in my hand.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then he said we haven't talked in a couple years. It's been Max's life.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He pushed it off. He pushed it off.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's been his life.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He pushed that off. So like casually it's like, oh, he almost. It was close to going like Bobby Kelly. Oh yeah. It has been a while.

[Jacob]

Your son is 12.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, he's a little man.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he. He met him as a baby.

[Jacob]

That's the last time.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then I was. I'm sitting there watching planes the movie going, oh, that's my friend who's the star. And I called him. I go, if there's not fucking merch from this movie at my house by next week, I'm done with you, buddy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Your son is months away. Your son is months away from that. If I molest him, he's not. I'm not even called a pedophile anymore.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're called gay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I'm a gay man doing what all gay men do. Having sex with 13 year old boys. Little boy to come in my face.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want that. That one hit me wrong, because now I'm just picturing Max coming in your face.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Mine?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, he's not my son.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I know, but it's my son. I really. I just pictured you and Max down in his casa de Max. Yeah. Dude, what are you guys doing down here? Hang on. Give me a sec.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bob, I'm like Bobby, much like you. Your boy is very seductive.

[Bobby Kelly]

Max is just smoking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I just came over to hang out before I knew my pants were off and my bra was undone.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's like, dad, give us one sec. I'm almost done.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, hang on, dad. I'm right there. Your voice is making it crawl back up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay, hurry up. Rub the helmet with your thumb.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There it is. Yeah, hang on. Yeah. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

There we go.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There we go.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay, let me ask you a question. Did you really throw my dad under the bus with Dane Cook?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I wasn't under the bus.

[Bobby Kelly]

Under the bus.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I just told him that you feel bad about what you've done.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay, you don't have to bring up my fucking name.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I needed to fill every empty space I could in that conversation. I didn't know what else to do. And you're the only thing I know that we have in common at all whatsoever.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's plenty of other things you have in common.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know what his relationship with Gary Goleman or J. Davis is. I know yours and his is bad, so that's what's stuck in the front of my mind.

[Bobby Kelly]

But it's not even bad. It's just. It's. Whatever. You didn't need to bring my name up. You nervous Nelly?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I told him you never stopped talking about it.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I do. I told him that you and dawn almost got divorced because she said, you have to drop this Dane thing or I can't be with you anymore. And you've been in intensive therapy, but slowly but surely, you're getting over it. And because of that, I think Bobby's ready to apologize to you. And I said that all while I was pointing like this, like this. And I was walking away the whole time, but I was pointing like this and saying. I was kind of making it. A couple people probably heard because I was arcing it over people. Your Molly, Shannon, your Bob Odenkirk. I'm sent over their way. And they. For the record, I don't think they knew who you were.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, for the record, they were wondering who was talking to Dane Cook.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're not wrong. They go, who's that? And who's this Bob he's talking about. I also just kept saying Bob. I never said Bobby Kelly, Unfortunately. I should have said your whole name. Then it would have been easier. I'm just going, you and Bobby, dude, it's enough of this. You guys got to kiss and make up. You're best friends. I said, I told him that you've been writing Better luck Chuck, too.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have been doing that. I told him that I did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Employee of the year.

[Bobby Kelly]

You. You really. You really are just a nervous Nelly when it comes to these situations. And you could have. This is what you could have done.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What? Are you gonna go big flat pocket jean shopping with me? Probably not, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Are you gonna go buy jeans that have giant crosses on the butt cheeks?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think you are.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would do that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't think you would.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would do that with you. Did you ask me if I would do it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't think so.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you ask me?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Are you gonna wear tight vintage T shirts with me that say co.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would have. I did it with him. I'd do it with you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank you. I don't want to, but I do like that. What are those? I want them.

[Bobby Kelly]

Those are true classics. True religion.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sorry.

[Bobby Kelly]

True religion. Sorry.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I didn't know they had dungaree jeans. Get those ones right in the middle. Yes, those.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Because Dane Cook's gonna need to see me with some horseshoes on my ass cheeks. You don't even know this guy at all. He fucking freaks out if your pockets are just exposed. What if there's no top flap to go? Oh, there's them flaps. Yep. Oh, my God. I didn't realize how many True Religion jean shorts I'm about to buy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I've had. I had. I had the black ones on the right. I had those.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He said you didn't really fit in with the crew because your love of black. The. The cookies. That's what we call ourselves. That's the. The cookies are a. I hope.

[Bobby Kelly]

I hope.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I hope we're a high fashion guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I hope you become best friends. I hope the relationship does flourish.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thanks, man.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, thanks, man. I hope. I hope he comes to town, he seeks you out, and you. Because you're spineless, you'll show up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God. I'm gonna watch him. I want to go. I want to go do in house workouts with him and his chick and then sit in his big old kitchen. Remember his kitchen?

[Bobby Kelly]

I hope it happens. He's got a view because, you know, he's got. He has a Movie coming out. He's got the documentaries coming out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know.

[Bobby Kelly]

And it was just in festivals and won an award, really. So now when he comes to New York, he's going to want to promote. When it goes to theaters, he's going to want to come in and promote it. So he's going to call you up. His publicist, not him directly, is going to call you up and say, hey, you told Dan to come on the show.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I felt a really strong immediate link with him. Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Guess who's going to be guest hosting that day?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Voss.

[Bobby Kelly]

Rich Voss.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's my plan.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You send Rich in. I like that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Rich will ruin it all.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a good sabotage. Honest to God, the guy really. Talk about turd in the punch bowl. I mean, no.

[Bobby Kelly]

Huh?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. The documentary.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's coming out.

[Jacob]

What is it about?

[Bobby Kelly]

It's about all the stuff that happened to him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's like his story. Yeah.

[Jacob]

Brother and all that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. He was literally the pinnacle of his life. Selling out arenas, the number one comic in the country, if not the world. And both his parents died and his brother stole all. All. Not some. All his money.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Cook.

[Bobby Kelly]

God. Is it called cooked?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, I just say cook. At the end of long things like that. I go, if that's what you want, then you're going to have to take it.

[Bobby Kelly]

You should end. You should end your shows like that. Guys, I'm Big J Okason. You've been cooked.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, just go. No, just go. You guys have been absolutely amazing. Cook. And then it's my phone number.

[Bobby Kelly]

Greatest last name in business. Cooked.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

God. You guys want to be friends again so bad.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, you. You're. You're.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think I got him close to agreeing to talk to you again.

[Bobby Kelly]

Here's the thing with you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're a busy body.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is what you are. You're a busy body. You're a sp. Man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I gave you every opportunity to tell me to continue to let this Uber come pick me up and none of these things would have ever happened.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, here's the deal, Jay. Why don't you go in there and just say hi and let somebody talk. You don't have to fill every fucking ounce of space. You could just let him say, what's up, man? How you doing? Good. Let's just pray. I'm Dane. You're. You ready? No, you're Dane. I'm. You ready? Go ahead, say hi. Say what he said to you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, hey, Jay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, what's up, buddy? How are you, Dane?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Good.

[Bobby Kelly]

Good, man. Good to See you. What's happening? What's going on? Anything happening?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I mean, something. I got the new documentary coming.

[Bobby Kelly]

I heard about it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

God, I miss Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

What? Dude, you got. You guys got to work that out. You come on my show, the bonfire with Bobby?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, not at all. Never. Bobby's my boy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I thought maybe enough years had passed that he thought maybe it's time for him to apologize to me.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's exactly what would happen, by the way. I would have to give up some. Some type of apology.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, we talked about it.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's nothing to apologize for, though. Not on him either.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do you think he's the kind of friend, like, if I went to his house, like. Like Hulk Hogan and Bubba the love sponge, you think he would allow me to have sex with his wife?

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Because I had a bad day.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, not at all.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why?

[Bobby Kelly]

He would not let you do that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But I had a bad day.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you had a bad day, but it would not happen.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't think he'd let you have sex with his wife and then walk

[Big Jay Oakerson]

around and be like, God, I'm such a pig. Such a pig. Such a big fat pig.

[Bobby Kelly]

There he is right there. He looks like he's like, with his niece, being uncomfortable.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wow. Shut the fuck up. Is that how I talk about your friends? I don't talk about your fucking dumb best friends. They got histories.

[Bobby Kelly]

God, he looks good in that photo.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Make me defend this guy anymore. I'm telling you, make me defend him. I'm going tooth and nail.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, there you go. He's. He's. He's in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think I did a good job, though. Really softening it.

[Bobby Kelly]

You didn't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So you can get back in.

[Bobby Kelly]

You didn't do a good job. You should have kept your trap shut and leave me out of it. I have nothing to do with it. I wasn't there. I was here. You were there. Has nothing to do with me. You don't. Nobody needs you negotiating old friendships that are. Are gone.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can I draw the tour poster of the three of us? I'm not such a. Can I draw, please?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm not.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Give me a pen, somebody. I got the tour poster.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ah, thank you, Paco.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay. Oh, I like this because I remember the tourgasm was everyone's shooting up out of the thing, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm not. This is not ever happening. I'm not going on tour with you and Dane and Jay Davis will probably bring a handbag too. It's not happening. I hope he wants this, too. I hope he Says, dude, we should tour together. I hope that happens.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I'm gonna throw up. Did I say that? Was I in on that? Oh, you loved it. Shut your face, Christine. I hope he's at your house for a week.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, this is going to be a really, really good. This is such a good.

[Bobby Kelly]

Honestly, What? Having Dean Cook as a house guest for a week. That's like a story, right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Pretty fucking dope.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. That's a story. Yeah, you think so? We'll make it happen. Make it happen. Why don't you respond to that text next time you're in town? Stay with us.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, this is so good.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, it all, let alone that long.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, look at us. And look, we. We both have cool Dane Cook hair. You don't even know which one is which because we both have such cool hair.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is this hair cool still? Wait, make sure you get his new eyebrows. This is. Is this hair? Who, Jay's or Dane's? You guys both. You guys both get a lot of work done on you. You both do eyebrows and hair and nails. You guys both have pomade.

[Jacob]

You could both have a day of beauty together.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you guys. Yeah, for sure. You could definitely do day of beauties instead. Right to the venue. You go to your little stylists.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is so good. This is so good. Oh, this is really good.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dan could get you into getting some botox. You get him into getting some nail polish. You guys could swatch little Swap little. Little beauty tips.

[Jacob]

Yeah. Get your spray tans together.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you get your spray. Yeah, you get it on your tour. You could have a. A spray tan room. You can do it together. You can just go tummy to tummy, tip to tip and spin around.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God.

[Bobby Kelly]

You guys could have your. You could have underwear that has the tour logo on it. What would Please draw the new Sufi with your thing in it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, no problem.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, just put nail polish on the Sioux I fingernails.

[Jacob]

Jay, though, what if you forget to let Dane win?

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Huh?

[Jacob]

What if you forget to let Dane win?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, we've all gotten older.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's not changed.

[Jacob]

Lou, could you play the one we haven't played when he almost says he threatens to beat up J. Davis?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. I love that. Oh, my God.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you put a fingerless mitten on the Sufi?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I didn't even do the Sufi yet. Yes, that's a good idea. That's a fanta Bobby. Your marketing is fan fucking tastic right now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I be the marketing tour manager for this tour?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't want to be on it. I just want to fucking make sure it's a success.

[Jacob]

This.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll be the Barry Katz of the tour.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, man, I'm probably. Should I put a Bonfire logo? He's probably.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no. Want nothing to do with it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay, I'm out.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's fine.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm not in this tour. Don't put me in this tour.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I understand. There you go.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you put me in the tour poster?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Of course.

[Bobby Kelly]

Where am I in the tour?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Remember tourism. Everyone's coming out like it's. It's like everyone's getting big from the little thing. I try to, like, keep it in line of what it was. I think it's pretty good.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are you a dick wad?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why is that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Because you made you and him laughing, pointing down at little me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We're having a good time.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I'm. I'm not even.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no.

[Bobby Kelly]

They're pointing down.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Piss on a friend.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then he did the. It says J. Dane. And then it says. What the. What does it say at the bottom?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Orgasm 2.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's the. Is that an H? What's the thing on the bottom above my name?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Where? Let me see that. Oh, it says FE Featuring Little ft.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm featuring on the tour.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then. And then you're featuring. And in parentheses, it.

[Bobby Kelly]

It has me. It has me in the bottom way in the background. A little. Am I that short or am I. Am I 100,000ft back?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Send it over to tuberculosis Patot over here. Yeah, Doc. Doc Patot.

[Bobby Kelly]

Here's Pop Popcorn lungs. Take a look at that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, Longer. What do you think? Funny.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Personally, if somebody was saying some of the things that I was saying to Jay, I probably would have been like, you know what? Whether I up or not, dude, shut the up, or I'm going to come over and. And knock you out. Yeah, but he was too much of a wimp to do that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Says somebody who's never gotten too much of a wimp. Never. He's never been in a fight in his life.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, man. It's a good tour poster. What do you think? I already see that.

[Bobby Kelly]

People that say, I'm going to knock you out. And they've never knocked somebody out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I see the T shirt and merch potential for this a lot.

[Bobby Kelly]

I do. No sleeves.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How about just like when Bobby's own merch. It'll just be a. Like a regular black T shirt with a little tiny thing down here and

[Jacob]

it says Bobby Kelly on it, but in Torgasm too.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why don't you just make me sell the merch.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay? And honestly, we'll give you an extra hundred dollars a show for that. I'll talk to Dane, but I think I could talk him in there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that's great. Thank you so much.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's good we're getting you kids back together.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's not happening.

[Jacob]

According to this poster, Tourgasm2 is just you and Dana, like co headlining and time permitting, Bobby Kelly and nobody else.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And nobody else.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wait a minute. Am I featuring or if time permitted. What are you saying?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I'm not squeezing him in. You know what I'm saying? Bobby's going out completely cold while they're seating. It takes a long time to seat an arena. I assume we're going to be in arenas at this point. It takes a long time to seat those. So we're gonna have Bobby go out there and just basically do his joke, folks. But also, if you just run through some basic rules of what's going on and what to do. Am I going to be tell them where the bathrooms are?

[Bobby Kelly]

Am I going to be invited to the. The before show prayer? Are you guys just going to do that by yourselves?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, if you can keep straight face, it's pretty serious.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's the prayer going to be?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know. But I don't laugh at the Lord. That's one line I draw. And you should know that I know you're not in the cook verse. What's that?

[Jacob]

He is more religious now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is he now?

[Jacob]

Kelsey's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's how I get it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I told you. We used to have to. We said a prayer before every show.

[Jacob]

The prayer circle. The prayer circle favorite. We did one.

[Bobby Kelly]

We had a prayer circle. We did a prayer circle for one of our live events. My favorite.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely.

[Bobby Kelly]

That was great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You have to.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it works.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's worked for black comedy this long.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have to take your gloves off when you do the prayer circle, though. You can't have gloves.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know. You got to get flesh on flesh.

[Bobby Kelly]

Flesh on flesh for.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

For sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. I hope it happens. I hope that you guys become for sure really swell pals. I do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, it's just the beginning stages right now. But like, I really feel like we're getting along. We're getting hungry.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why don't you reply to your pal?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Come on, say. What are you gonna say back to all that? That. Those flowers. What are you gonna say back?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was all. And there was some advice in there too. There was a little advice I don't know. Figure it out. What are you gonna say back?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know. It's gotta be perfect.

[Bobby Kelly]

Come on, just figure. Run it through me. I want to hear it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go ahead.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dane. No. Yeah, yeah. Dane. No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Cook.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Cook.

[Bobby Kelly]

Cook. What's up, Cook?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's up, Cook?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dane, no. Hey, Dane.

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dane.

[Bobby Kelly]

Cook.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Cook.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's okay. Cook.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Cook, comma, love it, comma, thank you, period. Been talking to Bobby about it.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, stop right there. Stop right there. Stop right there. Because first of all, I think you need a little more. When you say thank you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What, am I gonna suck the guy's dick? We're boys.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think there should be a little more after that. Thank you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We're co headlining Torgasm too. I don't have to suck his nutsack like this. I'm just being delicate with him because I want to make sure I can get you back in with him the way you want.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't want to get back in

[Big Jay Oakerson]

the way you been dying to.

[Bobby Kelly]

J. When you reply, are you gonna send

[Big Jay Oakerson]

it as a text so you can

[Bobby Kelly]

be like, I just want you to have my number?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's a really great question.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think Dane Cook should have my number.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna text him, Y' all.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Never thought I would think that before.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna send it. I go, hey, Dane, what's up? It's me, Bob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You don't have your number.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay wanted me to have you to have his number.

[Jacob]

Your number is 12 years old, Bob,

[Big Jay Oakerson]

buddy, I'll give you his number. You want me shoot you his number?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I'm gonna just. I'm gonna go on Instagram and send you him a message saying, Jay wanted you to have his number.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He only checks people he follows.

[Jacob]

Hold on.

[Bobby Kelly]

He follows me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He can't see it. If he doesn't follow you.

[Bobby Kelly]

He follows me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really? He seemed to forget who you were for a second. Bobby Kelly. He goes from Massachusetts. Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let's see if he.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

From your old comedy troop. And he was like, oh, yeah, Bobby can do you.

[Jacob]

Can you confirm, though, can Jay confirm that you actually have his real number just by. Because he has it for real.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Oh, wait, I do have it for real.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let's just see if I'm. Oh, I'm not even following. I'm not following, Dan.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you blocked him. You catty.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I didn't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, soak on this now because there's nothing.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, he doesn't follow me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Huh?

[Bobby Kelly]

We're not following Each other.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, here's a message he sent a long time ago.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What to say. In case you were wondering, I didn't unfollow you by accident.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna write real quick. Hey, Dane. No. What's up, Cookie? What's up, Cookie?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Cookie Puss.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dash wanted me to have one of you. Hang on. I gotta get your number. I gotta copy it. Copy it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm super worried you don't have his number.

[Bobby Kelly]

I do have. I have his. I'm gonna instant message him on. On.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's not gonna see it because you don't follow each other. You have to. You have to have his number.

[Bobby Kelly]

But it will come up on his. It will come up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let me text him and tell him you're doing this crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right. He has your number.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I should probably text him and fucking.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, go ahead. Text him right now. Text him.

[Jacob]

What's.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, text him right now. Go. What's up, dude? It's. It's your boy, Jay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's your boy.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's J. Bones Cook.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Cookie Puss. That's what I would have called him if we were friends for a long time.

[Bobby Kelly]

Cookie Puss.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Cookie Puss.

[Bobby Kelly]

He did like cookies and cream. Ice cream. I know that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You can't not take shots at this guy. Don't be jealous, dude. It's ugly on you. Dude, don't be jealous. What we have. God, dude, he's got the coolest collection of ball Boston hats.

[Jacob]

Bobby, that attitude's ugly.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, shut up, Jacob.

[Jacob]

It's ugly what you're doing.

[Bobby Kelly]

I hope your disease takes you down. I really. Do you understand what you understand though, that Jay? You understand, like out of all the things he could have done at this, this. I. I was calling him. I'm sending him text messages.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm your encouragement.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm. I mean, just trying to make sure he knows how amazing he is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Big brother, I never had. I felt. I felt warm. Warm. I felt warm because of what Bobby did for me.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm just. Literally just like, dude, you got this. Every. I'm there every day just making sure he's got it. I'm. I'm. I'm. It's just. And then as soon as he gets a shot at fame, Dane excites me. As soon as fame. As soon as fame trickles into his veins, he just throws all of us

[Big Jay Oakerson]

away like an old married couple. Though Dane's excited, just his passions.

[Jacob]

Advocate. I understand doing stuff that is completely out of character when you're in an extremely uncomfortable situation.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The days of me straddling you while you're driving a car and just riding your fat cock are done. We don't. We don't have those kinds of excitement anymore. It's not our thing. But me and Dana have that still. It's wild. Let's find a bathroom where we could suck each other off. And like me and you were just like, well, we're. Or we have a convenient time to suck each other off, and then we end up not sucking each other off.

[Bobby Kelly]

We never suck each other off because we keep procrastinating. Well, it's you. It's you. You hear that laugh?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're just saying oh, what you're saying. Because you go first. I finish and then I don't. And I don't turn the fear. I'm actually out of the mood now. Oh, wait a second, dude. I just came and realized we're not even gay. What the fuck are we doing here? Sucking each other's dicks. Oh, thank God I didn't do it. Dude. Can you imagine if I did it too? And then we were both had come on our breath.

[Bobby Kelly]

The problem is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Anyway, brush up odors. Pizza.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay wouldn't even be at this event if I didn't say to him, you

[Big Jay Oakerson]

pushed me into his arms.

[Bobby Kelly]

If I. If I didn't literally throw my relationship out with Kevin.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely.

[Bobby Kelly]

To reconnect his relationship with Kevin. You understand that?

[Jacob]

That's true.

[Bobby Kelly]

I threw my whole. I. I had the ability to text Kevin on a movie set and he would text me back from the chair. Yeah, I had that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I. Woody Allen. You, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I could have used that. I. I have a thing coming out, a movie coming out. I have stuff that I have. I could have used that for my connection to Kev, but I threw it out. What's that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're doing a film. Yeah, okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have film. I'll tell you about it in a month or so.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But I know what it is.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I threw that out for him over there. Him. I'm not going to at look at him. I'm gonna look at you for him. And then before he went into the. Dude, you got this. Go in. You're the shit goes in. And then as soon as he gets the opportunity to be part of the fucking Illuminati.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, to be the president of the New York City chapter of cookers. Not just what you're saying. To be the chapter president.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would love to see Dane on skanks. He would be uncomfortable five seconds in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why? No, he loves it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why don't you br. Why don't we get him to skank Fest? Christine.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, if you. If you let him.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, let her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you tell. If you tell him I'm attached. If you tell him I'm attached.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why don't you get him at skank fest?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He actually, he did. He did. He did mention something about Skankfest. But he said he would need like if you could set up some sort of like a. Like a cigar thing over by the water for him.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. No, this would be just for him.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, he's gonna have his own cigar thing. But he doesn't smoke cigars.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. You could mingle and then we'll throw the weed people in with you and the cigarette people.

[Bobby Kelly]

You've done that already.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dane's not gonna go for that day's. Not gonna bend over and eat from Rebecca and Christine and Lewis like that cooks Cubans. Yeah. Oh yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's gonna get Cuban cigars.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Straight Cubans. What the.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wait a second. I'm getting Nicaraguan.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You could borrow one. You and Mo. You and your friend Mo can split one from my. From the cookatorium.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are they gonna have food? They're gonna have food over there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes, of course. Delicious foods, young bitches.

[Bobby Kelly]

Delicious foods.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sioux fucking von Dutch hats.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you don't make the souffi with a mitten with no fingers on it, you're stupid.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The Sufi with the mittens should be a shirt immediately.

[Bobby Kelly]

100% with the fingernail polish under the

[Big Jay Oakerson]

two fingers, main cookie on the back. I'm his main cook.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ah, you are really just flourishing in this new relationship.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I really am. Out on the road, it's nice to have a partner who can help you

[Bobby Kelly]

make the most of your journey.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A partner like the loves rewards appreciate.

[Bobby Kelly]

With Love's rewards along for the ride,

[Big Jay Oakerson]

you earn points on food, fuel, drinks and more every time you scan. Then you can spend those points at Love's just like cash. So every stop is even more rewarding. Download the app today and watch the points roll in mile after mile.

[Bobby Kelly]

Love's rewards save and earn at every turn.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Terms apply.

[Bobby Kelly]

See website for details.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

In the US there's a break in every 26 seconds.

[Bobby Kelly]

But when intruders step near Simplisafe home security steps stop.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is Simplisafe. Police are on the way.

[Bobby Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Bobby Kelly]

No long term contracts.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Save 50 on your new system with professional monitoring at SimpliSafe.com sxm or with promo code sxm outdoor deterrence requires a Simplisafe Active Guard Outdoor Protection plan starting at 49.99amonth. Visit simplisafe.com licenses for alarm license information. Tennessee 2012.