
A conversation about music and The Doors leads to the topic of addiction. Jay wonders why alcohol doesn't have a hold on him the way it does the rest of the crew and wants Bobby to start smoking again. Jay and Bobby smoke cigarettes for the rest of the show and man, are they cool about it! | Dane Cook sent Jay a beautiful, heartfelt message that adds fuel to their bromance. Bobby is unhappy the way Jay used his name to communicate with Dane. | Everyone watched the MMA event with Ronda Rousey but it was disappointing for a few reasons. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf
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Big Jay Oakerson
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Bobby Kelly
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Big Jay Oakerson
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Big Jay Oakerson
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Big Jay Oakerson
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Bobby Kelly
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Big Jay Oakerson
Run with me. Hey, Bobby, let's run.
Jacob
Bada bing. You put two in the back of their brain.
Big Jay Oakerson
So good, Lou.
Bobby Kelly
That's a clip of Jacob hating Italians.
Big Jay Oakerson
He does hate them Italians.
Bobby Kelly
He does.
Big Jay Oakerson
What's up everybody? It's the bonfire. It's the lost tapes. Here. As always slaying it. Face card. Always slaying. The great Robert Kelly straight slays. The baddies are back. Big time.
Bobby Kelly
What's up, baby?
Big Jay Oakerson
The Betty's are way back, Bobby. It's so back.
Bobby Kelly
You love this show.
Big Jay Oakerson
Well, they were dicking around with some new bitches in the Dominican Republic. Get them out of here. I don't know these bitches. The gals are back for chapter to Baddies usa.
Bobby Kelly
What's the. The boy one, the gay one called Bad Boys.
Big Jay Oakerson
I lost. I stopped caring. It's just. It's just 15 of the same super effeminate gay guy and one straight guy who beats them all up. It's just boring.
Bobby Kelly
You let me know when they have baddies Trans. I'm in. I want to see some.
Big Jay Oakerson
If I told you, if I told you, if I told you Baddies USA was all trans, you would just agree with me. Go. Oh. Oh, I'm an idiot. I didn't. Oh, I must not have seen that.
Bobby Kelly
That's what I want. I want to see a. A bunch of hot trans going at it instead of boobs being pulled out, a nice schlong swipping out of a pair of panties. I love it.
Big Jay Oakerson
I'm Big J. Never the little one, Never the small. Nope. What do they say? I'm Big J. Never the little One. I think they say that you guys don't watch the baddies. What am I asking you for? Weird. The science is in. We were listening to that song, that Door song. I said this to someone the other day when LA Woman came on. I know every improv and all those songs that Jim Morrison does. You're have an easy answer to this question, Lou. It's Pearl Jam. But is there a band? For me, it was the time I got into them, the Doors. The time I got into them and how much I was into them for that time.
Bobby Kelly
I.
Big Jay Oakerson
It's like in my DNA, I know every beep and boop the guy makes in the songs. The timing of it all. It's just in me. Do you have a band like that at all, where it's just like. I. There's not a part of the song that I don't know exactly how he does it.
Bobby Kelly
The.
Big Jay Oakerson
The difference in the live one versus the recorded one.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah. Pearl Jam.
Big Jay Oakerson
No, it's not Pearl Jam. You're lying. You're stealing. Somebody's. There might do. You might. You know that, right? There's a. There's a certain live version, you know, because the way he yells or screams something in it. Right?
Bobby Kelly
Right. Or he'll change a lyric or forget a lyric.
Big Jay Oakerson
And you know it. And you know all those spots.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, I do.
Big Jay Oakerson
Bobby. I feel like music just doesn't touch you that way.
Bobby Kelly
I. I love music. I was just thinking about this the other day, I swear to God. Because dawn and Max love music in the car. They always. He'll just play music. She'll always have music. When I take her car. It's always got a fucking station on. I. I love music. I just don't get into. It's not my thing to know all the ins and the outs of the band. I love Aerosmith. I love the Cult. I love Led Zeppelin. I love. You know, I like fucking Youngblood. I like. I like music. I love it. I just don't.
Big Jay Oakerson
Well, you were younger. It has to catch you young. Whatever the things we're talking about. No bands caught me to that level as the Doors did when I was like 12 or whatever. It was 13.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, same. And the thing is about Bobby is he doesn't listen to the same stuff over and over again. Like, I've listened to the same live versions of my favorite. If I love it, I'm gonna keep listening.
Big Jay Oakerson
Listen to the same.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, No, I like. I like different songs for different moods. When I'm driving in the car on the west side Highway, I might throw in some, you know, mellow stuff.
Big Jay Oakerson
All you're doing. You're not answering the question. You're just describing how gay you are in the car. What I'm asking, was there a band when you were younger? Maybe the answer is no.
Bobby Kelly
First of all, you've. The one who made me gay in the car.
Big Jay Oakerson
Of course.
Bobby Kelly
With your songs.
Jacob
Yes.
Bobby Kelly
I love when I drive with you. It's an experience, you understand. You remind me of my old roommate, Larry Rapucci.
Big Jay Oakerson
A lot of people say that. I gotta tell you how many times people mistake me for Larry Rapucci. It's insane.
Bobby Kelly
Look him up.
Big Jay Oakerson
I thought about changing my name to the Pooch. Yeah. Larry Repucci. Yeah. At your service. Man, I'm not arguing this anymore. This guy must look a lot like me.
Bobby Kelly
He was so into music like you when you did a road gig with him. He would make a tape, but he would DJ the tape. So he'd go in his room with a microphone. And next up, we got the Cult. This is Bobby's favorite song.
Big Jay Oakerson
Next up, we got Looking Glass with Brandy. I thought, you're a fine girl.
Bobby Kelly
So he would. Yeah, but he would do stuff like that. It wouldn't be the same. It would be all different songs for the road trip. But he would dj.
Big Jay Oakerson
It's funny for sure to do that. But that guy definitely did not get.
Bobby Kelly
No, he did not.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah, the Pooch didn't get pussy.
Bobby Kelly
You should start doing that. That would be great if you started making people.
Big Jay Oakerson
I've offered to do it here at Sirius for borderline free. And they said, no, we're not allowed. And then I have to go. Then I have to sit in the car with people and then go like this. I go, hey, you want to know the next three songs after this song? And they're going to go, why? I go, because I was in the car yesterday. Yesterday I was in the car listening to the yacht rock station. And I know that after this comes this and then this because they're just playing a loop when they could have me in there, grooving, hitting a vape pen, having fun. Yeah, they don't want it. You know what they said? They're not paying DJ Lou.
Jacob
Right?
Bobby Kelly
They don't care about talent.
Big Jay Oakerson
That was their answer. They said, no, we're not gonna pay DJ Lou. This is back when DJ Lou. Remember when DJ Lou was fun as. Yeah, he was coming here and get plastered.
Bobby Kelly
No, don't say that. Dj, you're fun. You're fun now.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah. Well, now he's so happy that we don't have to come in and do this extra shift because it was not gonna be any fun. Now my head's fun.
Bobby Kelly
You're fun. I know I'm fun because I've seen pictures, you know, memories come up on your phone. And every picture from like two years ago and beyond is like me going
Jacob
with a beer in my hand.
Bobby Kelly
I'm like, that's. That's kind of fun. Who is that? I don't want to hang out with that asshole.
Big Jay Oakerson
Dude, I say the same. Back to Christine. Dude, you were a fucking fun party until it goes haywire. And just for some reason, you don't have enough to make it go haywire.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, you're. You're one of the only ones that know how to keep it fun. You know?
Big Jay Oakerson
Why is that?
Bobby Kelly
Because. Because you don't have the addictive gene in you.
Big Jay Oakerson
That's insane to say that. I smoke cigarettes non stop. I know you don't have the.
Bobby Kelly
You don't have the ability to quit bad things.
Big Jay Oakerson
I have to quit bad things. But something about booze just doesn't talk to me that much.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, but you do things that aren't. You're addicted to music, you're addicted to cigarettes. You're addicted to things that kill you slowly.
Big Jay Oakerson
Music kills me. No, music kills me.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, he was talking about him. He was. He was addicted to booze and drugs. Heavy drugs. You. You don't do heavy drugs. You smoke pot. But you're addicted to it.
Big Jay Oakerson
Of course.
Bobby Kelly
But it's not gonna kill you. You're addicted to music. That's a good thing. Your addictions are kind of okay. You know what I mean? Like Christine's addictions. Not okay.
Big Jay Oakerson
Right. Well, which ones?
Bobby Kelly
I mean, I'm not gonna get into it because I don't wanna out her, but I'm sure she did some stuff that wasn't good.
Big Jay Oakerson
It wasn't an addiction.
Bobby Kelly
It was just way too much Molly. Yeah, that's called necessarily call it an addiction.
Big Jay Oakerson
No booze. But I don't even know if booze was your addiction. You just don't handle it good.
Bobby Kelly
Get.
Big Jay Oakerson
Which by the way, just move yourself right into the Gertrude's puzzle of every other chick I've ever met my entire life.
Bobby Kelly
Well, you have a type. Like Taylor Sheridan?
Big Jay Oakerson
No, it's not even me. It's just observing the world. No one's good when they're drunk. Huh?
Bobby Kelly
Couldn't Carla like throw him back?
Big Jay Oakerson
She could. And then sometimes she starts smashing something. Yeah, Shane, sometimes she start throwing up and whatever and It'd be a thing.
Bobby Kelly
Shane is good when he's drunk. Shane, I mean, I've seen him drink all night and not really change at all.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah, no, for sure. He knows how to. He holds his booze well.
Bobby Kelly
Cory, Ellie, Corelli, the only thing happens to him. He spills things. He'll just spill shit. And that's when you know he's shit faced. Still fun though. Still fun.
Big Jay Oakerson
I've just never like. And maybe it's because I just saw it more before I ever started drinking that I was just like, okay, I know for a fact there's no fun in the. This guy, you know, the fucking falling over, like. Yeah, I know. That's. I'm like, that's the opposite of what I'm trying to do. I'm out here, I'm like, I'm trying to get probably pussy or like.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah.
Big Jay Oakerson
Or you know, be loose and have conversation with people and like, you know, be social and stuff. Like nothing about it wants to get to like. So it's like I drink to get to that. And then when I'm like, look at me mixing and mingling. And then I go, thank God. Diet Coke, please. Oh, God, I get stuff. But that's how I. The cigarettes was the funniest. I told you. I used to. When I tried to teach myself how to smoke so I could hang outside with David, tell when my girlfriend broke up with me.
Bobby Kelly
You what?
Big Jay Oakerson
I taught myself how to smoke so I could hang out with David. Tell when my girlfriend broke up with me.
Bobby Kelly
Wow.
Big Jay Oakerson
Did I stutter?
Bobby Kelly
No, I just wanted to make sure. That was the gayest thing I've ever heard.
Big Jay Oakerson
It is, right?
Bobby Kelly
You tell yourself how to smoke to hang it with another guy. Yeah, okay.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah, he took an interest in me too. Yeah, yeah. But we, But I remember when I drive up and back to the Jersey Turnpike still, I was still coming from South Jersey. When I would go up, back and forth, I. I go, all right, you get on the Turnpike at exit 3, so you smoke right away. And then. Damn it, when you get to exit seven, that's a good break. Another one, it's like. And then exit nine, because that's a big gap. The seven to nine is a bit bigger. It's like 7A and all that stuff. And then I go, when I get to nine, I go, okay. And I'm telling you, when I was doing it, I was doing it like a. All right, here we go. And I get that kind of green feeling and the whole thing and go through. And now I just mentally have those landmarks as when I drive there. I smoke at those breaks to smoke less. To be like, dude, don't just smoke the whole drive. Like, wait for this exit. Wait for this exit so I don't just keep pounding them. So it's so funny how it's. The time changes.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah. I was addicted to cigarettes. It was terrible. It was terrible. I, I, I'm addicted.
Big Jay Oakerson
You were so fun and looked so cool, though.
Bobby Kelly
I did.
Big Jay Oakerson
You did look really cool.
Bobby Kelly
Cigarettes were. Cigarettes are a fun addiction.
Big Jay Oakerson
Do you remember back when you looked cool?
Bobby Kelly
Yeah.
Big Jay Oakerson
With cigarettes.
Bobby Kelly
I do. I remember that. I love packing cigarettes. When you packed it.
Big Jay Oakerson
Not even. I haven't packed. This is the first time I've packed cigarettes in 30 years. This is not nothing you have to do anymore. But I still am doing it.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, but it's so cool when you get the cigarette and it has like an inch of space between the top
Big Jay Oakerson
and I'll drag them and Know what I mean? Yeah, dude, for sure.
Bobby Kelly
Give me cigarettes, huh?
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah, dude, I feel you.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, cigarettes are great.
Big Jay Oakerson
What's up? Anybody want. I'm going to do this. Get a go. Oh, dude. Do you, you want one?
Bobby Kelly
Dude? Don't, don't stop.
Big Jay Oakerson
All right. You guys good?
Jacob
I'm good.
Big Jay Oakerson
I'll be myself. That's fine.
Bobby Kelly
I, I don't even smoke cigars that much anymore.
Big Jay Oakerson
What?
Bobby Kelly
I. Let me get a cigarette. Let me get a cigarette.
Big Jay Oakerson
This guy's great.
Bobby Kelly
Let me get a cigarette. Let me see if I still look good.
Big Jay Oakerson
Grab yourself a stick, dude. Oh, my God. First of all, 20 years younger, immediately. 20 years younger, immediately.
Bobby Kelly
He looks like he's about to say something.
Big Jay Oakerson
He did it right. And you did. And Bobby was. Bobby was a finger thumb holder. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We drove in the car, smoking a couple times.
Bobby Kelly
Let me tell you something, Jay, what you want to do in this business. First thing you want to do is shut the fuck up. You talk too much. Second thing you want to do.
Big Jay Oakerson
No, Bobby, you're not doing your old thing. Bobby did a lot of, like, the, the teeth thing while I told you. Because he goes, yeah. He's like. I don't know. This guy's bugging me. His face is bugging me over here with the smoke coming out.
Bobby Kelly
I wait till the end, go. Then I go, this kid is an.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah. And he goes, yeah, Bobby did a lot of this. He goes. He goes, no, like a lot of something. Like, you know, like the hand. He was great with it.
Bobby Kelly
My favorite thing to do is I'd go up to some new Comic. I go, how much you weigh? He'd be like, I don't know, 170, 185. I'd throw. Go. Step on that.
Big Jay Oakerson
Let's make a thing. If we all get to 60, me, you, and DJ Lou. Yeah, let's just go fucking hard. You guys come back to smoking, drinking. Let's just go out.
Bobby Kelly
I mean, dude, that's fucking five years for me. That's very fast.
Big Jay Oakerson
Oh, yeah, Geez. I was talking about the end, but, yeah, sure.
Bobby Kelly
I'm. I'm quitting this business at 65.
Big Jay Oakerson
Okay?
Bobby Kelly
I refuse to be rich, Voss. I refuse to be taking a portable George Foreman girl on the road and fucking.
Big Jay Oakerson
Well, he's got a very distinct diet at his advanced age. His hearing aids. How crazy is that?
Bobby Kelly
Oh, did you see them?
Big Jay Oakerson
That's crazy.
Bobby Kelly
What's more crazy is that the vibe in this room. It was like a pedophile just got convicted. And the family was celebrating the conviction, and they brought the. They brought the pedophile in the room to meet the family, to say a few words. That was the vibe that was in this room. I heard laughter and conversation. And then when Voss walked in, I heard.
Big Jay Oakerson
Well, that's what I was gonna say. I'm sorry. I was trying to cut, but I was saying when I came in, it was that I was like, I haven't seen anybody since. I haven't talked to anybody since the roast. And I came over like, hey. Everyone's ever like, hey. And then Voss came in, and Jacob saw his face, Turned ghost white.
Jacob
Yeah, the last time I saw him, he had me pinned in an alley, forcing himself. That was the idea. And then I. Now I see him in court.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah, you had to face your abuser
Jacob
to face my abuser?
Big Jay Oakerson
Jacob, you don't have to take like that. Dude, you gotta start putting your foot down, man. First things first, and let me straighten you out right away. Don't let another man take advantage of you. I got. You know what I'm saying?
Bobby Kelly
Don't forget, I used to do this a lot, too. I go, jacob, look at me. Look at me. Don't take from anybody, Understand?
Big Jay Oakerson
It's good. Oh, a little bit. A little bit of the talking while it's still in there you go. Listen, I'll tell you, if you want to do that, you can, but I don't know if it's a good idea.
Bobby Kelly
Jacob, the thing you got to do, right, you got to make sure nobody gets in your way like that again. You understand? Look at me. Look at me.
Big Jay Oakerson
You understand? All right. You know why people treat you like such a. You know why people treat you like a. Jacob, I'll tell you. I didn't want this cigarette.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah.
Big Jay Oakerson
I'll tell you why people treat you like a. Could you let them walk all over you? Could you let them walk all over you? You know, people walk all over. You understand that, Draco?
Bobby Kelly
Yeah.
Big Jay Oakerson
Jacob, look at me.
Bobby Kelly
I've been thinking about this for a little bit. You gotta stop reading books so much.
Jacob
I can't. I can't do that.
Bobby Kelly
It makes you a silly man.
Big Jay Oakerson
Jacob. People start to think you're a little light in the loafers because of the way. Because of the way you're behaving. I'm ducking down. I'm doing. I'm getting ready to throw it out, but I want to get the last few. Jacob. And I'll tell you this, dude, if you keep letting it happen, it will continue to happen. All right, let's go in.
Jacob
So cool. Smoking is.
Bobby Kelly
Smoking is. This is my favorite right now.
Big Jay Oakerson
You train yourself. I did it when you. When you have to want it.
Bobby Kelly
When you listen to somebody, though, is the best. Not talking. But this. Stop talking to me.
Big Jay Oakerson
Bobby goes. I think by the end of the week, we should be able to cover everything on the sheet here, because I know we have a couple of topics that are older and stuff like, damn, dude, it looks so cool. Yeah.
Bobby Kelly
Then just tap it out.
Big Jay Oakerson
Can you do it to me? Can you do it to me? Can you talk to me a little bit?
Bobby Kelly
Jay, listen, the thing is, we need to make sure that when we have these shows, we get together before the show a little bit and we.
Big Jay Oakerson
I'm cold in mine. I'm cold.
Bobby Kelly
Oh, it's the winter. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? We got to do that. Is that cool with you? Are you good?
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fine. All right. All right. Let's get out of here, huh?
Bobby Kelly
All right, all right. Put these out.
Big Jay Oakerson
I'm going to put this out. Jacob, I see you over there. Stop being a.
Bobby Kelly
Have you ever at. You know what I did one time be what? Before I quit. Have you ever added up the money you spend weekly and then do it for the year? How much money? How much money? Just would be a fun little. Little.
Big Jay Oakerson
I did the app before.
Bobby Kelly
How much money do you spend a week on cigarettes? How many packs you smoke a day?
Big Jay Oakerson
160 bucks.
Bobby Kelly
Maybe 160. So how many packs you smoke a day? One and a half, two?
Big Jay Oakerson
One. On average, I'd say one yeah, sometimes a little more, I guess.
Bobby Kelly
How much is a pack of cigarettes now?
Big Jay Oakerson
I'm averaging at 20 bucks.
Bobby Kelly
20 bucks.
Big Jay Oakerson
But it's not that, because. Is it 20?
Bobby Kelly
That's crazy here.
Big Jay Oakerson
I think it's 22 over here. But. But it's. But when I go on the road.
Bobby Kelly
Rather do meth. I think meth is when I go on the road.
Big Jay Oakerson
Should I try math? You should. I go on. I'll try math. When I go on the road, though, and I buy cigarettes on the weekends. Has to count for some of that. So I'm saying the average is out because on the road it's less.
Bobby Kelly
So 120. How much a week? 125.
Big Jay Oakerson
160.
Bobby Kelly
I said 160 bucks a week.
Big Jay Oakerson
So I'm figuring eight packs a week at $20 a pack is what my guess is.
Bobby Kelly
I'll pick up a calculator. There's 15 people in here, but I'll do it. No, but for the year. Oh, forget it.
Big Jay Oakerson
160 times 12. Hang on, Paco.
Bobby Kelly
It's a week, right? 160 times 52. 8,300.
Big Jay Oakerson
No, that's not bad. Oh, it's a week. Oh, we did say it's not bad.
Bobby Kelly
$8,000 a year. That's not bad.
Big Jay Oakerson
$8,0000 a year.
Bobby Kelly
$8,000 a year. That's not bad.
Big Jay Oakerson
A blip.
Bobby Kelly
That's a blip.
Big Jay Oakerson
Thank you, SiriusXM. That would kill me. What?
Jacob
That would kill me.
Big Jay Oakerson
$8,000 a year.
Bobby Kelly
Jesus Christ, Jacob.
Big Jay Oakerson
I can give you 8,000 more dollars a year. But I will buy you $8,000 worth of cigarettes. If you start smoking with me, I'll buy you $8,000 worth of cigarettes.
Jacob
When I worked in the French restaurant, I went. I don't remember. I went down for some trip to North Carolina.
Bobby Kelly
Why did you ever quit? And you. You seem like you belong at a French restaurant.
Jacob
I was the runner. It was the most Misera. Had to watch every. All the waiters get bang. All the women that came in.
Big Jay Oakerson
Eventually, you could have become the fountain out front, spitting water.
Jacob
But me. And then I went down and I bought cigarettes. In North Carolina. I think there was, like, no tax or something. And then we came. I came up and me and Chen, the Chinese busboy, would sell them at a double the price. But we made it. We made a lot of money.
Big Jay Oakerson
You had.
Bobby Kelly
You had a friend called Chen.
Jacob
I became friends with him.
Bobby Kelly
Where's Chen now?
Big Jay Oakerson
In the joint, I think.
Jacob
He's still there.
Bobby Kelly
Really? Can we call him?
Big Jay Oakerson
He's in the joint for trafficking.
Bobby Kelly
I want to talk to Chen. He probably has Rolexes now.
Jacob
He's the funniest guy. He was older, Asian, I assume he's from China. He had a very, very broken English accent.
Bobby Kelly
How'd it go? How'd it go? How'd he talk?
Big Jay Oakerson
You had so much access to cigarettes. You never smoked him because he had those old crazy Asian smoker teeth, didn't he? He did. He smoked right in the front like this.
Bobby Kelly
He.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah, I used to get.
Jacob
Well, I mean, he would. He had very. He was a racist.
Big Jay Oakerson
A racist Asian. Ironic.
Jacob
He. He just loved. But he would curse at all the. The cooking staff. It was either Latino, African or Latino or. Or from Puebla.
Bobby Kelly
Right.
Big Jay Oakerson
Used to the African. More like Africantime.
Jacob
But he would say it. He would kill me. I would cry laughing because he goes to you, Marcel, fucking guy, make me food.
Big Jay Oakerson
Nice.
Jacob
And he would do it like that. And they would all laugh.
Bobby Kelly
How do you do it?
Jacob
Fucking guy, make me food. I'm hungry. And then they would make him food. But he would continue to be. Say nothing but racist stuff. But. But took care of them also brought them stuff back from China.
Big Jay Oakerson
I know Jacob had a brief dalliance with the triads.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah. It's fucking weird that you. You had a Chinese friend.
Big Jay Oakerson
He goes. Then he cut a chicken's head off right in front of me.
Jacob
He said, the most racist.
Bobby Kelly
What do you bring the cooks? Like oranges and incense? What did he bring them?
Jacob
He brought them back tea. Green tea.
Bobby Kelly
To. To. To Spanish and black people.
Jacob
Yeah, it was really good tea.
Bobby Kelly
Really?
Jacob
Yeah.
Big Jay Oakerson
That's such a weird drink. Tea, bed and salsa.
Jacob
But I will never forget this. I guess I should. I. This is him not me saying, sure,
Bobby Kelly
but say it like him, though.
Jacob
Well, at the end of the show,
Big Jay Oakerson
make sure you keep an A on the end.
Jacob
At the end of. No, no, he never. Never said that. But he had a. He had his opinion of black people. The mark.
Bobby Kelly
Oh, wait a second. I gotta. That was a good one. That hit me like a.3 seconds after he said, hold on.
Big Jay Oakerson
For Jim. For Jim. I'm thinking about Jim. Don't worry about Jim.
Jacob
One of the cook. All the cooks were from either, like I said Mexico or. Or Ivory Coast. None of them were black American.
Big Jay Oakerson
The kind you like?
Jacob
Well, no, there are all the. The greatest guys that got along with them. But. So at the end of the shift, the. The end of the. The dinner service, right? The. Everyone who had to bring all the trash out and we would sit outside and you know, you. That's when the doors open up outside, and you would walk up the stairs at every restaurant to take the garbage out. And so Marcel was taking the garbage out, and Chen was sitting.
Big Jay Oakerson
Clear your goddamn throat. It's crazy sounding.
Bobby Kelly
And Chen said to him, stop, dude, are you vaping? Do you have puppies?
Jacob
Hold on, I'm trying to get the storm. Trying to remember specifically, why am I sounding.
Big Jay Oakerson
Every time you breathe, you're going,
Jacob
oh, sorry, I didn't hear it.
Big Jay Oakerson
Gotta clear your throat, bro.
Jacob
I'm a little congested.
Big Jay Oakerson
I guess you're back. Still there.
Jacob
No. There it is. I'm hearing it now.
Bobby Kelly
Do you have gills?
Jacob
No. A sinus infection.
Bobby Kelly
All right, yes. Do you have a sinus infection?
Jacob
Yes.
Big Jay Oakerson
Where? In your neck. Gills.
Jacob
Dust mites.
Bobby Kelly
What is that?
Big Jay Oakerson
What it is?
Jacob
It's dust mites.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah, they live in your eyeball.
Jacob
It's killing me. I wake up with a headache.
Big Jay Oakerson
But it must be awful to be so small that mites can kill you.
Bobby Kelly
What is a fight? Why do you have dust mites?
Jacob
They live off of dead skin. It's like a banquet for them. So they're.
Big Jay Oakerson
It's gonna take at least 10 of them to kill Jacob.
Jacob
Yeah, I got an allergy test, and my arm started burning and itching. And he said, yeah, you're allergic to dust mites.
Bobby Kelly
Okay, but can't you get rid of them?
Jacob
Ugh, I'm hearing it myself.
Big Jay Oakerson
He's talking to a box fan.
Bobby Kelly
It does.
Jacob
I have two options.
Big Jay Oakerson
I am your father.
Jacob
I encased my mattress and pillows. I was hoping that was gonna do it, but it hasn't. They're still attacking me in my sleep.
Bobby Kelly
Did you say you encased your mattress in pillows?
Jacob
If I. Dust mite?
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah. He's an older man. He's going to plastic wrap all of his. Bobby, look at me with my cigarette. You won't catch me doing that. I'll just get a new bed.
Bobby Kelly
Sounds weird to me. You sleep in a plastic. Maybe that's his kink.
Big Jay Oakerson
I know, right? Get a room, dude.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, why don't you sleep in a bubble like that John Travolta guy?
Jacob
I love that movie.
Bobby Kelly
I know you did. That's your dream.
Jacob
What a dream.
Bobby Kelly
Oh, we should get him.
Jacob
Nobody can get in.
Big Jay Oakerson
Just you and your dust mites. Just you in a world of dust mites.
Bobby Kelly
So you're coming out?
Jacob
No, we're all sitting outside. At the end, they would. All the. Every of the staff would kind of like, chill outside while the. The guys were taking the garbage out. And Chen saw Marcel Throwing the garbage out. And he said, Marcel, black guy no good. Black guy bullshit. Yeah, you make pee pee on the street. Steal the car, no pay the rent. Black guy bullshit. And then that was it. You're right, Chen. You're right. Marcel would just laugh. And then he would bring him tea from China.
Big Jay Oakerson
He goes, oh, and also. And karate only for defense only. And that's all. That's all. Black guy no good defense only.
Bobby Kelly
Black eyed pee is still car.
Jacob
Yeah, because he. Apparently he had just watched a. A black guy pee on. On the street. So that became wasting his pee on street. Black men did do supposed to drink.
Big Jay Oakerson
You're supposed to pee in Coke.
Jacob
But he said it.
Big Jay Oakerson
He goes, he's not even being hilarious.
Jacob
The fact that he just. You do a.
Bobby Kelly
You do a better Chen than Jacob, by the way.
Big Jay Oakerson
Hilarious pee, peeing Coke not on the street.
Bobby Kelly
Thank you.
Jacob
I just always love that. He said, make pee pe stream.
Big Jay Oakerson
Oh, man. That guy comes from martial arts royalty. Who saw that coming? Did you watch. Did you watch the Ronda Rousey fight, Right?
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, I watched it. Yeah, I watched it all.
Jacob
3 seconds, link, and you miss it?
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, it was. I mean, we were talking about yesterday.
Big Jay Oakerson
It was kind of sad that no one gave a.
Bobby Kelly
Well, they. The arena wasn't full and they have. Every seat has a light in it,
Big Jay Oakerson
and you can see the lights everywhere. Yeah, I have no idea what the attendance was on at all, but I know if you went, you just watched particularly the main eventers all fighting a fight they didn't want to fight. And then when they were done going like, yeah, I don't care. Yeah, Nate Diaz. They were like, what was that? He goes, yeah, I wasn't gonna win, so who cares?
Bobby Kelly
Well, the.
Big Jay Oakerson
Nate, why don't you try to fight back? He was like, dad, yeah, they actually made. Be here all night.
Bobby Kelly
They made more money than the UFC fighters made. Of course, for that. For those fights, Ronda Rousey made 2.5, Gina made 1.5, and. And Strickland, I think, made for being the champion made 1.2.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah. It's for becoming the champ. He's doing the. He said Jake Paul is the Ari Shafir of this kind of thing. He's shaking it up.
Bobby Kelly
I would say Louis Gomez.
Big Jay Oakerson
No, I'll say Ari Shafir is because he's changing. Like, Ari's changed precedent places. Like, he exposes the. But he's going like, if you're a little less stingy, I guess with the money.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah.
Big Jay Oakerson
You know, you can make these guys get paid. Look There's a. That was always the crazy difference between, like, why would you go in? At first it was like, well, ufc, small, it's not that big of a thing. So that's why you're accepting like smaller, like, you know, five figure, low six figure, like fight purses. Even the champs.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah.
Big Jay Oakerson
But it gets to a point where. Well, what's the. What's the combination of getting to like a Floyd Mayweather or Mike Tyson in their prime, making 92 million dollar payday. Remember that? It was like they'd get like close to $100 million on some of his fights individually.
Bobby Kelly
Well, Floyd Mayweather, actually, he got part of the parking and the concessions.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's why these guys just have gold houses. Yeah, their whole house is just gold.
Bobby Kelly
But he, he. Yeah, he was like, dude, I'm bringing all these people. I want some of everything. He was the first one to do that. And everybody else in the car to got paid nothing. But the ufc, where they kind of fucked the fighters back in the day, is they got to come in with sponsorship. Sponsorship. And they made a lot of money off of sponsorship all over their shorts. And then they got a deal with Reebok and they had to wear Reebok and they couldn't have sponsors.
Big Jay Oakerson
Isn't that fucked up? No more sponsors for their, like, on their clothes and stuff. No more individual sponsors able to be advertising the thing. But the ring, each time you see the Octagon, it's got more and more. The whole thing is just decorated with sponsors. So the, the company's making money and now you're not allowed to on the side.
Bobby Kelly
You know who the first fighter to do that was? Hopkins. He came out with.
Big Jay Oakerson
Tell me about Bobby.
Bobby Kelly
He. Hang on a second. Give me a sec.
Big Jay Oakerson
Bernard Hopkins.
Bobby Kelly
Bernard Hopkins came out with it written on his back.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah, he had a sponsor, golden palace,
Bobby Kelly
right on his back and made a ton of cash. And then they were like, hey, we don't have to put this on your back. We can actually just put it on your shorts.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah, how about your stamp around your forehead? Am I right, Bobby?
Bobby Kelly
I don't have to put.
Big Jay Oakerson
All right, Bobby boy.
Bobby Kelly
Hey, turn around. I got to write my, my company's name on your back, kid.
Big Jay Oakerson
Turn around, idiot. I'm going to jot something on your stupid back.
Bobby Kelly
I'm going to jot on your back. And halfway through the fight, it's going to be sweated off. But listen, I'm feeling Rat Pack.
Big Jay Oakerson
I'm feeling very Rat Pack.
Bobby Kelly
With Frank Sinatra.
Big Jay Oakerson
Sir cring do budy do and how do you do?
Bobby Kelly
You got to hit the broad in the cheek, not in the stomach. Oh, I don't learn.
Big Jay Oakerson
I don't know what it is, but it's strictly taboo, that witchcraft.
Bobby Kelly
It really bugs me that anybody can do it.
Big Jay Oakerson
It's a shitty, stupid art.
Bobby Kelly
It's beautiful.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah. It's like finding. Hey, do you guys remember the most famous walker in the world? It's like being like the best person at raising your hand. It's. It's every. All of us can do it. I love kronega. Have you ever tried it? Because you can do it. If you love it so much, just entertain yourself at home all day.
Bobby Kelly
I like witchcraft because it comes to me. Little man, shut your face before I kick you in the nuts.
Big Jay Oakerson
Treat you like one of my dinghy broads at home.
Bobby Kelly
Give it up for my black conductor over here. He's been with me for 20 years. Guy's good. He's got a family and everything. He's a good dad.
Big Jay Oakerson
This guy's actually a pretty intelligent colored fella. I gotta tell you. I've known him for about 15 years now. Good egg, good egg. Doobity do.
Bobby Kelly
Give it up for my Asian drummer. I've never seen one of those before. You never will either. He's the only one in the world. That's why he's with me.
Big Jay Oakerson
I call him Taco Hot Sauce. It doesn't make any sense, baby.
Bobby Kelly
Hey, line up over here if you want me to kiss your wife. Life. Have you. Yeah, the. But the fights. The Naro fight, whatever his name is, He. That fight was great. He's great. He's a. I can't believe somebody would get in the ring with that dude. He's so.
Big Jay Oakerson
And then Jon Jones now just looks like someone's uncle. And they're. They're talking to each other from across the arena. Yeah, he's like, I'll fight Jon Jones. Jones. Like, you don't want none of this. Go sit down, Jon Jones. Talk about a guy. Jon Jones really made himself a legend in such short time, which is such a testament to how good of a fighter he is. Yeah, his youngest, he made himself so. And then. But if you really think about. He has two thirds, if not more of his career has just been like, this guy sucks.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, he did it.
Big Jay Oakerson
I mean, it's constantly having to pull out of fights and they fire him from the UFC for this. And then he gets a dui. It's just never ends.
Bobby Kelly
Drugs and alcohol him up. Couldn't handle it. Did the drugs, alcohol, partied.
Big Jay Oakerson
But he hangs in there. So he shows up to things still. It's like, UFC's wrong. This whole thing's stupid. It's like, no, you. Every way you could up, you up.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, but they did. They. Nate Diaz, Nick Diaz, like that because they. They. The pot.
Big Jay Oakerson
Oh, weed.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, yeah, they made. It's like, dude, let these guys smoke a little weed. Who gives a. They. They banned him from the sport for being on marijuana.
Big Jay Oakerson
You just gotta be smarter about that stuff because if you watch.
Bobby Kelly
It took away his career. I mean, he was at the pinnacle.
Big Jay Oakerson
But I watch all those documentaries. If you watch any documentary about 90s basketball and all that shit, they all like, yeah, I went home after that game, smoked a joint, and just like, you know, I had to shake it off because I knew we had another playoff game coming up in two days. And you're like, well, they definitely weren't allowed to smoke pot in the NBA at that point. At least for sure when they're talking about. But they just did anyway. There's no way how to get around.
Bobby Kelly
I don't think they be smart. I don't think they should drug test
Big Jay Oakerson
our athletes at all.
Bobby Kelly
At all. I missed the Mark McGuire Home Run Derby. No, that was at Fenway park.
Big Jay Oakerson
Talking about performance enhancing drugs. I'm talking about. I don't know if you want. I don't know if you want the Oakland. The Oakland A's to all be half on coke.
Bobby Kelly
I say let them do whatever they want. As long as they're cranking balls 900ft. That's fucking.
Big Jay Oakerson
You need drugs that worked for that. Like, if someone's on heroin and they're just nodding off of the bed on
Bobby Kelly
their dude, let it happen. How great would that be?
Big Jay Oakerson
He goes. And he just gets walked because he takes four terrible pitches. And then just. They go, sir. So yeah, he goes, you take your base. He goes, oh, yeah, yeah, guys on Molly.
Bobby Kelly
He gets hit by the ball. He goes out and hugs the pitcher. Yeah, it's all right, man.
Big Jay Oakerson
He goes, the pain is how I know I'm alive. Without pain, there's no pleasure, man. I'm be over here.
Jacob
The Russians are the best with the. The performance enhancing drugs. Have you ever watched the documentaries and how intricate their cheating went? Yeah, the electric outlets was just a conduit. You could pass steroids. The room was just designed to be able to get to pass performance enhancing drugs. It was like a magic. I don't know how to explain it, man.
Big Jay Oakerson
The Russians loved it. Aren't they the ones that cheated in that chess? I didn't watch that.
Jacob
They were banned from the Olympics. They cheat so hard.
Big Jay Oakerson
I like it.
Bobby Kelly
But they also used to play. They used to play our college. It was professional men in the Olympics playing our college students. We didn't allow. I think it was until the basketball. Right.
Big Jay Oakerson
Well, I think the thing in the Olympics for a while, I think technically it was. The idea was they were supposed to be amateur. It was supposed to be our best amateur athletes. Yeah, but they didn't make much sense.
Bobby Kelly
They were putting their best men.
Big Jay Oakerson
Because they didn't have actual leagues. Yeah, no, that's why they didn't have actual leagues. So it was their best.
Bobby Kelly
But then we were like, fuck it. They put Larry Bird and mj and they're like, all right, well, you guys are using your best. We're going to use our best. And it's all over.
Big Jay Oakerson
It's not, though.
Bobby Kelly
What the basketball, it's.
Big Jay Oakerson
They've had some rough years, too, the USA basketball. The problem is they start exposing that, where you're like, these guys are out there trying to throw alley dunks for a full court the whole time, and then before you know it, a bunch of Puerto Rican guys have just bang 17 threes in a row. That happened to him a couple times. They fucked up. Yeah, they up sometimes.
Bobby Kelly
But not those first couple of years.
Big Jay Oakerson
No, the first one, then the Iverson era was eight. Shit. And then they had the redeemed team, it was called. That was the one with LeBron where they just went in there and like, they. They marched right through again. Yeah, but there was a minute there where it's like, it's not always going to work like that. You get a bunch of those, like, the guys you think are the best, they all want to play one on one basketball. And then you get a team of fucking Turkey guys that just fucking pass the ball around and get wide open constantly. Because these guys are like, I think I'm gonna throw it behind my back off the backboard. On this next one, I'm gonna jump over this guy. He goes, that's great. But you're just hitting these two point dunks, and these guys are hitting half court threes the whole game. And I know everyone here is not strong at math, but you're gonna lose that way.
Bobby Kelly
This one who?
Big Jay Oakerson
Derek Nowitzki, the Asian. Oh, there was no Asians on that team. Even Jeremy Lin wasn't even there.
Bobby Kelly
Does China have basketball team?
Big Jay Oakerson
Are they good?
Bobby Kelly
Are they good, though?
Big Jay Oakerson
I think they're probably pretty good. They're like. I mean, that's where Yao Ming came from, right?
Bobby Kelly
Did they engineer people? They stretch them on something.
Big Jay Oakerson
Listen, when they do that Dennis Robin documentary, the North Korean guys were pretty good. They could play. And they don't really have a league or anything out there either. That was like, guys, they're just like the best guys that they had out there.
Bobby Kelly
Well, they know that if they lose, their family dies.
Jacob
It's exactly right. We were watching. My nephew and I were laughing hysterically at the North Korean women's soccer team. They trained for four months and yeah, if they screw up, they're going to not have food and their families are going to be murdered. They have so much incentive to be the best.
Bobby Kelly
That happened in Iraq.
Jacob
They killed every. They destroyed every other team.
Bobby Kelly
When I went over to Iraq for the USO thing, we did a show in the soccer stadium and the guy brought me over to a wall and he sees all. He said, see all these bullet holes? When they lost the game, he just. He killed all. He killed the soccer team.
Jacob
Well, they landed.
Bobby Kelly
Shot him.
Jacob
They landed and they, He. They had their feet beaten on the tarmac. The Iraqi men forget.
Big Jay Oakerson
They never forgiven you for that. Never forgiven you for going out there.
Bobby Kelly
What's that, Jay?
Big Jay Oakerson
Performed for local Iraqi people. They're the enemy.
Bobby Kelly
I went and performed for our troops.
Big Jay Oakerson
No, some of your friends went and did that. You decided to go there and you go, well, got to entertain these guys too. That's not fair. Remember you kept saying that.
Bobby Kelly
Well, I did it with your new pal, Dane Cook.
Big Jay Oakerson
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Bobby Kelly
You knew I was thinking about that.
Big Jay Oakerson
That's how you want to come on the show.
Bobby Kelly
I was thinking about. Yeah, you're fucking spineless jellyfish.
Big Jay Oakerson
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Big Jay Oakerson
We'll share our experiences with plaque psoriasis with psoriatic arthritis and Dr. Panico will talk about the possible connection.
Bobby Kelly
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Big Jay Oakerson
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Big Jay Oakerson
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Bobby Kelly
I was thinking about what a fucking weak man you are that why are
Big Jay Oakerson
you talking this right to camera?
Bobby Kelly
The fact that I've done a radio show with you and I've known you your whole career and now I've done a radio show with you for almost three years. Yeah, and you've. You don't even. You don't even know Dane Cook's number?
Big Jay Oakerson
No.
Bobby Kelly
And as soon as you see him?
Big Jay Oakerson
Well, I think he. I think he shot it to me. Dms.
Bobby Kelly
Do you got it?
Big Jay Oakerson
I think.
Bobby Kelly
Did you take.
Big Jay Oakerson
Was in dms?
Bobby Kelly
Did you reply to the dm?
Big Jay Oakerson
I don't know.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, you do. What did you say in the dm, you jellyfish?
Big Jay Oakerson
Let me check. Maybe. I didn't say anything.
Bobby Kelly
I know you said something. Yeah, I do. I know you said something.
Big Jay Oakerson
No, you don't.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, yeah, you. You probably thumbs up it or gave him a smiley face or.
Big Jay Oakerson
Nuh.
Bobby Kelly
What'd it say? She does like emojis. Because he doesn't know how to type. He can thumb type with the best of them. Really?
Big Jay Oakerson
Oh.
Bobby Kelly
What does it say?
Big Jay Oakerson
It was just nice.
Bobby Kelly
What was it? Come on.
Big Jay Oakerson
I didn't write back, though. Genuinely. You see that?
Bobby Kelly
Wow, That's a lot.
Big Jay Oakerson
Well, that's a lot.
Bobby Kelly
What does it say? It's personal.
Big Jay Oakerson
It's a little private, maybe. Private.
Bobby Kelly
It's private. But what does it say in general?
Big Jay Oakerson
Let me. Let me proofread before I just start reading it.
Bobby Kelly
Is my name in it?
Big Jay Oakerson
Guy still still has it. Say what you will. God, the guy knows how to write
Bobby Kelly
his word usage.
Big Jay Oakerson
He said very politely, hey, man, didn't have your number to text. I wanted to say you crushed on the roast. You had what I think was a tough spot, and you did the thing no one can learn. You either have it or you don't. You made the room yours and then you crushed it. The Keith moment. Holy. Wow. Awesome. Congrats. You must have slept like a baby cook.
Bobby Kelly
Sufi, man. Sufi brother.
Big Jay Oakerson
And then his number.
Bobby Kelly
There you go. You just showed it to the camera. Now everybody has his number.
Big Jay Oakerson
I may have you.
Bobby Kelly
Did Paco take that out? Paco didn't respond.
Big Jay Oakerson
Not yet.
Bobby Kelly
He doesn't respond to anybody.
Big Jay Oakerson
I gotta think of the perfect thing to say.
Bobby Kelly
I fucking called him the next day. He hasn't picked up the phone in a week. He hasn't talked to me, to be honest.
Big Jay Oakerson
You're right. You're right.
Bobby Kelly
It kind of makes me feel good because I'm like, well, he always answers my calls. Never.
Big Jay Oakerson
I should write back.
Bobby Kelly
If it wasn't for me, if I didn't, it get him the pep talk.
Big Jay Oakerson
There's no way that's true. Either I don't answer all Christine's calls, or if I didn't give the pep talk, text. I guess eventually, yeah.
Bobby Kelly
If I didn't give him the pep talk to go in there, you wouldn't Even have met your new pal.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of your fault.
Bobby Kelly
No, it's not my fault. It's your fault.
Big Jay Oakerson
This is self fulfilling prophecy.
Bobby Kelly
It's that you don't have a. You can't have. You don't have a. You don't have a spine. You turn into jelly when somebody likes you.
Big Jay Oakerson
What are we talking about? Cook?
Bobby Kelly
No, I'm talking about you. You.
Big Jay Oakerson
Did he used to end your text by just going cook.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, sorry. That's not a thing for just you.
Big Jay Oakerson
I just want to make sure it's. What is what he's. Well, he doesn't do it anymore with you so make sure something he does with his friends.
Bobby Kelly
He's got. He does have the coolest last name in comedy.
Big Jay Oakerson
Dane Cook.
Bobby Kelly
Cook.
Big Jay Oakerson
Dean Cook.
Bobby Kelly
You've been cooked. I would. I would definitely overuse that.
Big Jay Oakerson
Oh yeah. Every special would be something like that. Yeah, Cooked. Recooked.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah. People would see how fat I was. They'd be. No, you've been cooking.
Big Jay Oakerson
Cook.
Jacob
Ease.
Bobby Kelly
During the pandemic I would have a. Hey, cooking with cook.
Big Jay Oakerson
Oh yeah, dude. Pandemic. Cooking with cook.
Bobby Kelly
I can't believe though what a. There's not even the fact that you went. Dude. The fact that you went. You brought me into it when I wasn't even into it.
Big Jay Oakerson
Let me tell you how much this is your fault. We actually have on the books a steakhouse date with me, him and Noam, me, Dane, Cook and Noam from the cellar are going to go on a friendship date and you set that.
Bobby Kelly
I. Look, I don't. I don't even. I don't even think that won't happen. I. I believe it will happen.
Big Jay Oakerson
And we are going to have such a bobby gab session. But some good stuff. But then like some of the, like you know, like the. I know. Doesn't he do that all the time? Probably have a lot of that.
Bobby Kelly
You probably had that.
Big Jay Oakerson
There I go. You know when you take this guy on tour and he just acts like that all the time and then he slows everyone down because his stupid AC has the ACL of a. Every thing I'm doing you have to somehow get in and break a rule. Yeah. He did say at the party, he said your ACL is what ruined Torgasm. You ruin all my fun. He said if you didn't have the ACL of an old lady, everything probably would have been great. You probably would have been good luck Chuck. You probably would've just produced it.
Bobby Kelly
First of all, if I didn't have that ACL thing, it wouldn't have been interesting.
Big Jay Oakerson
He was so funny watching Torgasm, that was. Everyone at home was rooting for Bobby. No one knew Gary well enough out in New York really in that regard, or Jay. And so we all knew Bobby and Bobby was like our guy on the show. And watching that every week was fucking. It was so exciting for us. But also it was the water. The water cooler conversation of just like. I don't. This is not what I've found comedy touring to be like at all. Like laser tag and skydiving and flying individual planes by yourselves, doing barrel rolls. I tend to do more like find the local Jimmy John's.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah.
Big Jay Oakerson
And number five.
Bobby Kelly
Number five.
Big Jay Oakerson
Oh, it'd be nice. Sometimes there's a Foot Locker downstairs or I'm attached to a mall is nice. I walk over the mall, maybe get a nice food court. Maybe at Annie Anne's. Pretzel.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah.
Big Jay Oakerson
But I will say it's never been full on games of laser tag or flag football.
Bobby Kelly
No. No.
Big Jay Oakerson
Never ridden a horse. I've.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, I forgot we rode horses in Montana. Yeah, I forgot about that.
Big Jay Oakerson
Now I have gone shopping for themed clothing. That has happened on the road before. That's fair. That's one thing I have done. But outside of that, I can't think of anything on the road where it's been like we're doing. This is like the activity here. Outside of. Oh, you know what? I guess it's not fair. But he also films it too. Bert, like, Bert's thing was very like that too. We're going kayaking. It's like, I'd rather not, man. We got a show at like 5pm and I go on kind of early and it's like, come on, we're only going to be kayaking from like noon till 4:30.
Bobby Kelly
You did Burtgasm.
Big Jay Oakerson
I was on Burtgasm.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, you were Bobby K. On Burt. You were the. You were the instigator on Burgasm. No, you were actually the J. Davis on Burkegasm. I bet you made him tuna sandwiches.
Big Jay Oakerson
Dude. Every day. The poor, the poor. The poor girls who had to set up the. The stuff every day to do. It was a. A knockdown drive. Me and Soder at that point too. It was like, all right, so we're all going surf lessons and we're like, oh, have fun. They'd be like, nah, we really want everybody to go because I don't come on. And then they'd get me with just like. You could just sit there and hang out and then me and Soder got pulled out into the middle of the ocean, almost died. But that's why I don't go, you know. You know, I never get pulled to the ocean and die in my hotel room.
Bobby Kelly
Jay, I know what you're doing right now. And he's. He's really good at it when he diverts the. When it's. When I'm trying to say that he did something and he goes off somewhere else, and now we're down. We're on Burt's tour. You understand what I'm saying? I want to get back to what I was saying. I'm going to look at you, Jay, because the fact that he. I don't have a problem with him seeing Dane and being like, hey, oh, my God. Wow.
Big Jay Oakerson
What's up?
Bobby Kelly
The fact. The. The problem I had driving home on the highway the other day. What are you texting? What are you doing?
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah, you just post a new thing. It's funny. Oh, yeah, it's good stuff.
Bobby Kelly
The pro. The problem I have with what he did, he said, this is. This is what a. Just a neutral jellyfish Jay is.
Big Jay Oakerson
What are we talking about me?
Bobby Kelly
I'm talking about you, Jellyfish.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yes.
Bobby Kelly
Is that. That should be your name instead of jelly roll. Jellyfish.
Big Jay Oakerson
Jellyfish. That's a tour.
Bobby Kelly
He goes like this.
Big Jay Oakerson
Another close friend of mine.
Bobby Kelly
You gotta. You gotta. You guys. You and Bobby gotta work that out. There was no. He doesn't. There's no conf. He didn't need to bring my name into it. He didn't need to say that we had to work something out. He could have just said, dude, when you're in town, you should come on the show. He goes, you and Bob. He felt like he was the conduit between me and.
Big Jay Oakerson
These are the hands I gave.
Bobby Kelly
What'd you say?
Big Jay Oakerson
Double and probably had a cigarette in my hands. I was like. I was like, no, no, not the podcast. You gotta come on the radio show. We gotta get you and Bobby in a room.
Bobby Kelly
Why in a room? Why what in a room? Do you have a room that would go.
Big Jay Oakerson
Did you. Yeah. I'm gonna mediate like it's high school. I have no idea what I was presenting to him, Bo. I don't know, but I tell you this, we're really close now.
Bobby Kelly
Good. I hope he becomes your best friend. Hope he has to stay at your house while he's in town.
Big Jay Oakerson
Oh, dude, you think he would?
Bobby Kelly
I hope so. Damn, dude, you know, he doesn't have to.
Big Jay Oakerson
Dude, I have such a. I have Such a good backyard for physical comedy. It's so much space for physical comedy. We get physical comedy together in the mornings. That's what we call yoga. Physical comedying.
Bobby Kelly
I hope you catch him and his young bride doing it. Then you guess for him.
Big Jay Oakerson
Me too. I walk in, I'm gonna start smelling her naked body like my dog.
Bobby Kelly
Why?
Big Jay Oakerson
Because I'm just trying to see if that's what the smell on the sheets is.
Bobby Kelly
Why did you have to bring my name into it?
Big Jay Oakerson
That's right. It's the only correlation I have to him at all. In my mind. I don't even know how he knew who I was in that moment.
Bobby Kelly
But why did you have to bring up the fact that we have to work something out?
Big Jay Oakerson
Don't know. Panic and fear.
Bobby Kelly
Dude, he was trying to be on your side.
Big Jay Oakerson
I said I didn't.
Bobby Kelly
It's not on my side. He's. Because if he just chummed it up
Big Jay Oakerson
with Dane without somehow mentioning. No, but Bobby's talking about when I was kind of like, Bobby's got to stop his. And you guys gotta.
Bobby Kelly
Is that what you said?
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah. What I was like. But I go, I've told Bobby he's wrong a thousand times. I think I just need to get you guys in a room. And I. And I'm honest to God, Dan, if you could find it in your heart to forgive Bobby, I think that things would work out. That's why I said. And I was pointing the whole time with a cigarette in my hand.
Bobby Kelly
And then he said we haven't talked in a couple years. It's been Max's life.
Big Jay Oakerson
He pushed it off. He pushed it off.
Bobby Kelly
It's been his life.
Big Jay Oakerson
He pushed that off. So like casually it's like, oh, he almost. It was close to going like Bobby Kelly. Oh yeah. It has been a while.
Jacob
Your son is 12.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah, he's a little man.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, he. He met him as a baby.
Jacob
That's the last time.
Bobby Kelly
And then I was. I'm sitting there watching planes the movie going, oh, that's my friend who's the star. And I called him. I go, if there's not fucking merch from this movie at my house by next week, I'm done with you, buddy.
Big Jay Oakerson
Your son is months away. Your son is months away from that. If I molest him, he's not. I'm not even called a pedophile anymore.
Bobby Kelly
You're called gay.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah, I'm a gay man doing what all gay men do. Having sex with 13 year old boys. Little boy to come in my face.
Bobby Kelly
I want that. That one hit me wrong, because now I'm just picturing Max coming in your face.
Big Jay Oakerson
Mine?
Bobby Kelly
Yeah.
Big Jay Oakerson
No, he's not my son.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, I know, but it's my son. I really. I just pictured you and Max down in his casa de Max. Yeah. Dude, what are you guys doing down here? Hang on. Give me a sec.
Big Jay Oakerson
Bob, I'm like Bobby, much like you. Your boy is very seductive.
Bobby Kelly
Max is just smoking.
Big Jay Oakerson
I just came over to hang out before I knew my pants were off and my bra was undone.
Bobby Kelly
He's like, dad, give us one sec. I'm almost done.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah, hang on, dad. I'm right there. Your voice is making it crawl back up.
Bobby Kelly
Jay, hurry up. Rub the helmet with your thumb.
Big Jay Oakerson
There it is. Yeah, hang on. Yeah. Yeah.
Bobby Kelly
There we go.
Big Jay Oakerson
There we go.
Bobby Kelly
Jay, let me ask you a question. Did you really throw my dad under the bus with Dane Cook?
Big Jay Oakerson
I wasn't under the bus.
Bobby Kelly
Under the bus.
Big Jay Oakerson
I just told him that you feel bad about what you've done.
Bobby Kelly
Jay, you don't have to bring up my fucking name.
Big Jay Oakerson
I needed to fill every empty space I could in that conversation. I didn't know what else to do. And you're the only thing I know that we have in common at all whatsoever.
Bobby Kelly
There's plenty of other things you have in common.
Big Jay Oakerson
I don't know what his relationship with Gary Goleman or J. Davis is. I know yours and his is bad, so that's what's stuck in the front of my mind.
Bobby Kelly
But it's not even bad. It's just. It's. Whatever. You didn't need to bring my name up. You nervous Nelly?
Big Jay Oakerson
I told him you never stopped talking about it.
Bobby Kelly
What?
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah, I do. I told him that you and dawn almost got divorced because she said, you have to drop this Dane thing or I can't be with you anymore. And you've been in intensive therapy, but slowly but surely, you're getting over it. And because of that, I think Bobby's ready to apologize to you. And I said that all while I was pointing like this, like this. And I was walking away the whole time, but I was pointing like this and saying. I was kind of making it. A couple people probably heard because I was arcing it over people. Your Molly, Shannon, your Bob Odenkirk. I'm sent over their way. And they. For the record, I don't think they knew who you were.
Bobby Kelly
Well, for the record, they were wondering who was talking to Dane Cook.
Big Jay Oakerson
You're not wrong. They go, who's that? And who's this Bob he's talking about. I also just kept saying Bob. I never said Bobby Kelly, Unfortunately. I should have said your whole name. Then it would have been easier. I'm just going, you and Bobby, dude, it's enough of this. You guys got to kiss and make up. You're best friends. I said, I told him that you've been writing Better luck Chuck, too.
Bobby Kelly
I have been doing that. I told him that I did.
Big Jay Oakerson
Employee of the year.
Bobby Kelly
You. You really. You really are just a nervous Nelly when it comes to these situations. And you could have. This is what you could have done.
Big Jay Oakerson
What? Are you gonna go big flat pocket jean shopping with me? Probably not, right?
Bobby Kelly
No.
Big Jay Oakerson
Are you gonna go buy jeans that have giant crosses on the butt cheeks?
Bobby Kelly
Yes.
Big Jay Oakerson
I think you are.
Bobby Kelly
I would do that.
Big Jay Oakerson
I don't think you would.
Bobby Kelly
I would do that with you. Did you ask me if I would do it?
Big Jay Oakerson
I don't think so.
Bobby Kelly
Did you ask me?
Big Jay Oakerson
Are you gonna wear tight vintage T shirts with me that say co.
Bobby Kelly
I would have. I did it with him. I'd do it with you.
Big Jay Oakerson
Thank you. I don't want to, but I do like that. What are those? I want them.
Bobby Kelly
Those are true classics. True religion.
Big Jay Oakerson
Sorry.
Bobby Kelly
True religion. Sorry.
Big Jay Oakerson
I didn't know they had dungaree jeans. Get those ones right in the middle. Yes, those.
Bobby Kelly
Why?
Big Jay Oakerson
Because Dane Cook's gonna need to see me with some horseshoes on my ass cheeks. You don't even know this guy at all. He fucking freaks out if your pockets are just exposed. What if there's no top flap to go? Oh, there's them flaps. Yep. Oh, my God. I didn't realize how many True Religion jean shorts I'm about to buy.
Bobby Kelly
I've had. I had. I had the black ones on the right. I had those.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah.
Bobby Kelly
Oh, yeah.
Big Jay Oakerson
He said you didn't really fit in with the crew because your love of black. The. The cookies. That's what we call ourselves. That's the. The cookies are a. I hope.
Bobby Kelly
I hope.
Big Jay Oakerson
I hope we're a high fashion guy.
Bobby Kelly
I hope you become best friends. I hope the relationship does flourish.
Big Jay Oakerson
Thanks, man.
Bobby Kelly
I mean, thanks, man. I hope. I hope he comes to town, he seeks you out, and you. Because you're spineless, you'll show up.
Big Jay Oakerson
Oh, my God. I'm gonna watch him. I want to go. I want to go do in house workouts with him and his chick and then sit in his big old kitchen. Remember his kitchen?
Bobby Kelly
I hope it happens. He's got a view because, you know, he's got. He has a Movie coming out. He's got the documentaries coming out.
Big Jay Oakerson
I know.
Bobby Kelly
And it was just in festivals and won an award, really. So now when he comes to New York, he's going to want to promote. When it goes to theaters, he's going to want to come in and promote it. So he's going to call you up. His publicist, not him directly, is going to call you up and say, hey, you told Dan to come on the show.
Big Jay Oakerson
I felt a really strong immediate link with him. Yes.
Bobby Kelly
Guess who's going to be guest hosting that day?
Big Jay Oakerson
Voss.
Bobby Kelly
Rich Voss.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah.
Bobby Kelly
That's my plan.
Big Jay Oakerson
You send Rich in. I like that.
Bobby Kelly
Rich will ruin it all.
Big Jay Oakerson
It's a good sabotage. Honest to God, the guy really. Talk about turd in the punch bowl. I mean, no.
Bobby Kelly
Huh?
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah. The documentary.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, it's coming out.
Jacob
What is it about?
Bobby Kelly
It's about all the stuff that happened to him.
Big Jay Oakerson
It's like his story. Yeah.
Jacob
Brother and all that.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah. He was literally the pinnacle of his life. Selling out arenas, the number one comic in the country, if not the world. And both his parents died and his brother stole all. All. Not some. All his money.
Big Jay Oakerson
Cook.
Bobby Kelly
God. Is it called cooked?
Big Jay Oakerson
No, no, I just say cook. At the end of long things like that. I go, if that's what you want, then you're going to have to take it.
Bobby Kelly
You should end. You should end your shows like that. Guys, I'm Big J Okason. You've been cooked.
Big Jay Oakerson
No, just go. No, just go. You guys have been absolutely amazing. Cook. And then it's my phone number.
Bobby Kelly
Greatest last name in business. Cooked.
Big Jay Oakerson
God. You guys want to be friends again so bad.
Bobby Kelly
No, you. You're. You're.
Big Jay Oakerson
I think I got him close to agreeing to talk to you again.
Bobby Kelly
Here's the thing with you.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah.
Bobby Kelly
You're a busy body.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yes.
Bobby Kelly
Is what you are. You're a busy body. You're a sp. Man.
Big Jay Oakerson
I gave you every opportunity to tell me to continue to let this Uber come pick me up and none of these things would have ever happened.
Bobby Kelly
Well, here's the deal, Jay. Why don't you go in there and just say hi and let somebody talk. You don't have to fill every fucking ounce of space. You could just let him say, what's up, man? How you doing? Good. Let's just pray. I'm Dane. You're. You ready? No, you're Dane. I'm. You ready? Go ahead, say hi. Say what he said to you.
Big Jay Oakerson
Oh, hey, Jay.
Bobby Kelly
Hey, what's up, buddy? How are you, Dane?
Big Jay Oakerson
Good.
Bobby Kelly
Good, man. Good to See you. What's happening? What's going on? Anything happening?
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah, I mean, something. I got the new documentary coming.
Bobby Kelly
I heard about it.
Big Jay Oakerson
God, I miss Bobby.
Bobby Kelly
What? Dude, you got. You guys got to work that out. You come on my show, the bonfire with Bobby?
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah.
Bobby Kelly
No, not at all. Never. Bobby's my boy.
Big Jay Oakerson
I thought maybe enough years had passed that he thought maybe it's time for him to apologize to me.
Bobby Kelly
That's exactly what would happen, by the way. I would have to give up some. Some type of apology.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah, yeah, we talked about it.
Bobby Kelly
There's nothing to apologize for, though. Not on him either.
Big Jay Oakerson
Do you think he's the kind of friend, like, if I went to his house, like. Like Hulk Hogan and Bubba the love sponge, you think he would allow me to have sex with his wife?
Bobby Kelly
No.
Big Jay Oakerson
Because I had a bad day.
Bobby Kelly
No, not at all.
Big Jay Oakerson
Why?
Bobby Kelly
He would not let you do that.
Big Jay Oakerson
But I had a bad day.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, you had a bad day, but it would not happen.
Big Jay Oakerson
Why?
Bobby Kelly
I don't think he'd let you have sex with his wife and then walk
Big Jay Oakerson
around and be like, God, I'm such a pig. Such a pig. Such a big fat pig.
Bobby Kelly
There he is right there. He looks like he's like, with his niece, being uncomfortable.
Big Jay Oakerson
Wow. Shut the fuck up. Is that how I talk about your friends? I don't talk about your fucking dumb best friends. They got histories.
Bobby Kelly
God, he looks good in that photo.
Big Jay Oakerson
Make me defend this guy anymore. I'm telling you, make me defend him. I'm going tooth and nail.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, yeah, there you go. He's. He's. He's in.
Big Jay Oakerson
I think I did a good job, though. Really softening it.
Bobby Kelly
You didn't.
Big Jay Oakerson
So you can get back in.
Bobby Kelly
You didn't do a good job. You should have kept your trap shut and leave me out of it. I have nothing to do with it. I wasn't there. I was here. You were there. Has nothing to do with me. You don't. Nobody needs you negotiating old friendships that are. Are gone.
Big Jay Oakerson
Can I draw the tour poster of the three of us? I'm not such a. Can I draw, please?
Bobby Kelly
I'm not.
Big Jay Oakerson
Give me a pen, somebody. I got the tour poster.
Bobby Kelly
Ah, thank you, Paco.
Big Jay Oakerson
Okay. Oh, I like this because I remember the tourgasm was everyone's shooting up out of the thing, right?
Bobby Kelly
I'm not. This is not ever happening. I'm not going on tour with you and Dane and Jay Davis will probably bring a handbag too. It's not happening. I hope he wants this, too. I hope he Says, dude, we should tour together. I hope that happens.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah. Yeah, me too.
Bobby Kelly
Oh, I'm gonna throw up. Did I say that? Was I in on that? Oh, you loved it. Shut your face, Christine. I hope he's at your house for a week.
Big Jay Oakerson
Oh, this is going to be a really, really good. This is such a good.
Bobby Kelly
Honestly, What? Having Dean Cook as a house guest for a week. That's like a story, right?
Big Jay Oakerson
Pretty fucking dope.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah. That's a story. Yeah, you think so? We'll make it happen. Make it happen. Why don't you respond to that text next time you're in town? Stay with us.
Big Jay Oakerson
Oh, this is so good.
Bobby Kelly
Yes, it all, let alone that long.
Big Jay Oakerson
Oh, look at us. And look, we. We both have cool Dane Cook hair. You don't even know which one is which because we both have such cool hair.
Bobby Kelly
Is this hair cool still? Wait, make sure you get his new eyebrows. This is. Is this hair? Who, Jay's or Dane's? You guys both. You guys both get a lot of work done on you. You both do eyebrows and hair and nails. You guys both have pomade.
Jacob
You could both have a day of beauty together.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, you guys. Yeah, for sure. You could definitely do day of beauties instead. Right to the venue. You go to your little stylists.
Big Jay Oakerson
This is so good. This is so good. Oh, this is really good.
Bobby Kelly
Dan could get you into getting some botox. You get him into getting some nail polish. You guys could swatch little Swap little. Little beauty tips.
Jacob
Yeah. Get your spray tans together.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, you get your spray. Yeah, you get it on your tour. You could have a. A spray tan room. You can do it together. You can just go tummy to tummy, tip to tip and spin around.
Big Jay Oakerson
Oh, my God.
Bobby Kelly
You guys could have your. You could have underwear that has the tour logo on it. What would Please draw the new Sufi with your thing in it.
Big Jay Oakerson
Oh, no problem.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, just put nail polish on the Sioux I fingernails.
Jacob
Jay, though, what if you forget to let Dane win?
Bobby Kelly
No.
Big Jay Oakerson
Huh?
Jacob
What if you forget to let Dane win?
Big Jay Oakerson
Dude, we've all gotten older.
Bobby Kelly
He's not changed.
Jacob
Lou, could you play the one we haven't played when he almost says he threatens to beat up J. Davis?
Big Jay Oakerson
Oh, yeah. I love that. Oh, my God.
Bobby Kelly
Did you put a fingerless mitten on the Sufi?
Big Jay Oakerson
Oh, I didn't even do the Sufi yet. Yes, that's a good idea. That's a fanta Bobby. Your marketing is fan fucking tastic right now.
Bobby Kelly
Can I be the marketing tour manager for this tour?
Big Jay Oakerson
Yes.
Bobby Kelly
I don't want to be on it. I just want to fucking make sure it's a success.
Jacob
This.
Bobby Kelly
I'll be the Barry Katz of the tour.
Big Jay Oakerson
Oh, man, I'm probably. Should I put a Bonfire logo? He's probably.
Bobby Kelly
No, no. Want nothing to do with it.
Big Jay Oakerson
Okay, I'm out.
Bobby Kelly
I'm out.
Big Jay Oakerson
That's fine.
Bobby Kelly
I'm not in this tour. Don't put me in this tour.
Big Jay Oakerson
I understand. There you go.
Bobby Kelly
Did you put me in the tour poster?
Big Jay Oakerson
Of course.
Bobby Kelly
Where am I in the tour?
Big Jay Oakerson
Remember tourism. Everyone's coming out like it's. It's like everyone's getting big from the little thing. I try to, like, keep it in line of what it was. I think it's pretty good.
Bobby Kelly
Are you a dick wad?
Big Jay Oakerson
Why is that?
Bobby Kelly
Because you made you and him laughing, pointing down at little me.
Big Jay Oakerson
We're having a good time.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, I'm. I'm not even.
Big Jay Oakerson
No, no.
Bobby Kelly
They're pointing down.
Big Jay Oakerson
Piss on a friend.
Bobby Kelly
And then he did the. It says J. Dane. And then it says. What the. What does it say at the bottom?
Big Jay Oakerson
Orgasm 2.
Bobby Kelly
What's the. Is that an H? What's the thing on the bottom above my name?
Big Jay Oakerson
Where? Let me see that. Oh, it says FE Featuring Little ft.
Bobby Kelly
I'm featuring on the tour.
Big Jay Oakerson
And then. And then you're featuring. And in parentheses, it.
Bobby Kelly
It has me. It has me in the bottom way in the background. A little. Am I that short or am I. Am I 100,000ft back?
Big Jay Oakerson
Send it over to tuberculosis Patot over here. Yeah, Doc. Doc Patot.
Bobby Kelly
Here's Pop Popcorn lungs. Take a look at that.
Big Jay Oakerson
Hey, Longer. What do you think? Funny.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah.
Big Jay Oakerson
Personally, if somebody was saying some of the things that I was saying to Jay, I probably would have been like, you know what? Whether I up or not, dude, shut the up, or I'm going to come over and. And knock you out. Yeah, but he was too much of a wimp to do that.
Bobby Kelly
Says somebody who's never gotten too much of a wimp. Never. He's never been in a fight in his life.
Big Jay Oakerson
Oh, man. It's a good tour poster. What do you think? I already see that.
Bobby Kelly
People that say, I'm going to knock you out. And they've never knocked somebody out.
Big Jay Oakerson
I see the T shirt and merch potential for this a lot.
Bobby Kelly
I do. No sleeves.
Big Jay Oakerson
How about just like when Bobby's own merch. It'll just be a. Like a regular black T shirt with a little tiny thing down here and
Jacob
it says Bobby Kelly on it, but in Torgasm too.
Bobby Kelly
Why don't you just make me sell the merch.
Big Jay Oakerson
Okay? And honestly, we'll give you an extra hundred dollars a show for that. I'll talk to Dane, but I think I could talk him in there.
Bobby Kelly
Oh, that's great. Thank you so much.
Big Jay Oakerson
It's good we're getting you kids back together.
Bobby Kelly
That's not happening.
Jacob
According to this poster, Tourgasm2 is just you and Dana, like co headlining and time permitting, Bobby Kelly and nobody else.
Big Jay Oakerson
And nobody else.
Bobby Kelly
Wait a minute. Am I featuring or if time permitted. What are you saying?
Big Jay Oakerson
No, I'm not squeezing him in. You know what I'm saying? Bobby's going out completely cold while they're seating. It takes a long time to seat an arena. I assume we're going to be in arenas at this point. It takes a long time to seat those. So we're gonna have Bobby go out there and just basically do his joke, folks. But also, if you just run through some basic rules of what's going on and what to do. Am I going to be tell them where the bathrooms are?
Bobby Kelly
Am I going to be invited to the. The before show prayer? Are you guys just going to do that by yourselves?
Big Jay Oakerson
I mean, if you can keep straight face, it's pretty serious.
Bobby Kelly
What's the prayer going to be?
Big Jay Oakerson
I don't know. But I don't laugh at the Lord. That's one line I draw. And you should know that I know you're not in the cook verse. What's that?
Jacob
He is more religious now.
Big Jay Oakerson
Is he now?
Jacob
Kelsey's.
Big Jay Oakerson
That's how I get it.
Bobby Kelly
I told you. We used to have to. We said a prayer before every show.
Jacob
The prayer circle. The prayer circle favorite. We did one.
Bobby Kelly
We had a prayer circle. We did a prayer circle for one of our live events. My favorite.
Big Jay Oakerson
Absolutely.
Bobby Kelly
That was great.
Big Jay Oakerson
You have to.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, it works.
Big Jay Oakerson
It's worked for black comedy this long.
Bobby Kelly
You have to take your gloves off when you do the prayer circle, though. You can't have gloves.
Big Jay Oakerson
I know. You got to get flesh on flesh.
Bobby Kelly
Flesh on flesh for.
Big Jay Oakerson
For sure.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah. I hope it happens. I hope that you guys become for sure really swell pals. I do.
Big Jay Oakerson
I mean, it's just the beginning stages right now. But like, I really feel like we're getting along. We're getting hungry.
Bobby Kelly
Why don't you reply to your pal?
Big Jay Oakerson
No.
Bobby Kelly
Come on, say. What are you gonna say back to all that? That. Those flowers. What are you gonna say back?
Big Jay Oakerson
I don't know.
Bobby Kelly
It was all. And there was some advice in there too. There was a little advice I don't know. Figure it out. What are you gonna say back?
Big Jay Oakerson
I don't know. It's gotta be perfect.
Bobby Kelly
Come on, just figure. Run it through me. I want to hear it.
Big Jay Oakerson
Okay.
Bobby Kelly
Go ahead.
Big Jay Oakerson
Dane. No. Yeah, yeah. Dane. No.
Bobby Kelly
Cook.
Big Jay Oakerson
Cook.
Bobby Kelly
Cook. What's up, Cook?
Big Jay Oakerson
No.
Bobby Kelly
What's up, Cook?
Big Jay Oakerson
Dane, no. Hey, Dane.
Bobby Kelly
No.
Big Jay Oakerson
Dane.
Bobby Kelly
Cook.
Big Jay Oakerson
Cook.
Bobby Kelly
Yeah, that's okay. Cook.
Big Jay Oakerson
Cook, comma, love it, comma, thank you, period. Been talking to Bobby about it.
Bobby Kelly
No, stop right there. Stop right there. Stop right there. Because first of all, I think you need a little more. When you say thank you.
Big Jay Oakerson
What, am I gonna suck the guy's dick? We're boys.
Bobby Kelly
I think there should be a little more after that. Thank you.
Big Jay Oakerson
We're co headlining Torgasm too. I don't have to suck his nutsack like this. I'm just being delicate with him because I want to make sure I can get you back in with him the way you want.
Bobby Kelly
I don't want to get back in
Big Jay Oakerson
the way you been dying to.
Bobby Kelly
J. When you reply, are you gonna send
Big Jay Oakerson
it as a text so you can
Bobby Kelly
be like, I just want you to have my number?
Big Jay Oakerson
That's a really great question.
Bobby Kelly
I'm gonna. I'm gonna.
Big Jay Oakerson
I think Dane Cook should have my number.
Bobby Kelly
I'm gonna text him, Y' all.
Big Jay Oakerson
Never thought I would think that before.
Bobby Kelly
I'm gonna send it. I go, hey, Dane, what's up? It's me, Bob.
Big Jay Oakerson
You don't have your number.
Bobby Kelly
Jay wanted me to have you to have his number.
Jacob
Your number is 12 years old, Bob,
Big Jay Oakerson
buddy, I'll give you his number. You want me shoot you his number?
Bobby Kelly
No, I'm gonna just. I'm gonna go on Instagram and send you him a message saying, Jay wanted you to have his number.
Big Jay Oakerson
He only checks people he follows.
Jacob
Hold on.
Bobby Kelly
He follows me.
Big Jay Oakerson
He can't see it. If he doesn't follow you.
Bobby Kelly
He follows me.
Big Jay Oakerson
Really? He seemed to forget who you were for a second. Bobby Kelly. He goes from Massachusetts. Yes.
Bobby Kelly
Let's see if he.
Big Jay Oakerson
From your old comedy troop. And he was like, oh, yeah, Bobby can do you.
Jacob
Can you confirm, though, can Jay confirm that you actually have his real number just by. Because he has it for real.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah. Oh, wait, I do have it for real.
Bobby Kelly
Let's just see if I'm. Oh, I'm not even following. I'm not following, Dan.
Big Jay Oakerson
Oh, you blocked him. You catty.
Bobby Kelly
No, I didn't.
Big Jay Oakerson
Well, soak on this now because there's nothing.
Bobby Kelly
No, he doesn't follow me.
Big Jay Oakerson
Huh?
Bobby Kelly
We're not following Each other.
Big Jay Oakerson
Really?
Bobby Kelly
Oh, here's a message he sent a long time ago.
Big Jay Oakerson
What to say. In case you were wondering, I didn't unfollow you by accident.
Bobby Kelly
I'm gonna write real quick. Hey, Dane. No. What's up, Cookie? What's up, Cookie?
Big Jay Oakerson
Cookie Puss.
Bobby Kelly
Dash wanted me to have one of you. Hang on. I gotta get your number. I gotta copy it. Copy it.
Big Jay Oakerson
I'm super worried you don't have his number.
Bobby Kelly
I do have. I have his. I'm gonna instant message him on. On.
Big Jay Oakerson
He's not gonna see it because you don't follow each other. You have to. You have to have his number.
Bobby Kelly
But it will come up on his. It will come up.
Big Jay Oakerson
Let me text him and tell him you're doing this crazy.
Bobby Kelly
All right. He has your number.
Big Jay Oakerson
I should probably text him and fucking.
Bobby Kelly
Dude, go ahead. Text him right now. Text him.
Jacob
What's.
Bobby Kelly
Dude, text him right now. Go. What's up, dude? It's. It's your boy, Jay.
Big Jay Oakerson
It's your boy.
Bobby Kelly
It's J. Bones Cook.
Big Jay Oakerson
Cookie Puss. That's what I would have called him if we were friends for a long time.
Bobby Kelly
Cookie Puss.
Big Jay Oakerson
Cookie Puss.
Bobby Kelly
He did like cookies and cream. Ice cream. I know that.
Big Jay Oakerson
You can't not take shots at this guy. Don't be jealous, dude. It's ugly on you. Dude, don't be jealous. What we have. God, dude, he's got the coolest collection of ball Boston hats.
Jacob
Bobby, that attitude's ugly.
Bobby Kelly
Oh, shut up, Jacob.
Jacob
It's ugly what you're doing.
Bobby Kelly
I hope your disease takes you down. I really. Do you understand what you understand though, that Jay? You understand, like out of all the things he could have done at this, this. I. I was calling him. I'm sending him text messages.
Big Jay Oakerson
I'm your encouragement.
Bobby Kelly
I'm. I mean, just trying to make sure he knows how amazing he is.
Big Jay Oakerson
Big brother, I never had. I felt. I felt warm. Warm. I felt warm because of what Bobby did for me.
Bobby Kelly
I'm just. Literally just like, dude, you got this. Every. I'm there every day just making sure he's got it. I'm. I'm. I'm. It's just. And then as soon as he gets a shot at fame, Dane excites me. As soon as fame. As soon as fame trickles into his veins, he just throws all of us
Big Jay Oakerson
away like an old married couple. Though Dane's excited, just his passions.
Jacob
Advocate. I understand doing stuff that is completely out of character when you're in an extremely uncomfortable situation.
Big Jay Oakerson
The days of me straddling you while you're driving a car and just riding your fat cock are done. We don't. We don't have those kinds of excitement anymore. It's not our thing. But me and Dana have that still. It's wild. Let's find a bathroom where we could suck each other off. And like me and you were just like, well, we're. Or we have a convenient time to suck each other off, and then we end up not sucking each other off.
Bobby Kelly
We never suck each other off because we keep procrastinating. Well, it's you. It's you. You hear that laugh?
Big Jay Oakerson
You're just saying oh, what you're saying. Because you go first. I finish and then I don't. And I don't turn the fear. I'm actually out of the mood now. Oh, wait a second, dude. I just came and realized we're not even gay. What the fuck are we doing here? Sucking each other's dicks. Oh, thank God I didn't do it. Dude. Can you imagine if I did it too? And then we were both had come on our breath.
Bobby Kelly
The problem is.
Big Jay Oakerson
Anyway, brush up odors. Pizza.
Bobby Kelly
Jay wouldn't even be at this event if I didn't say to him, you
Big Jay Oakerson
pushed me into his arms.
Bobby Kelly
If I. If I didn't literally throw my relationship out with Kevin.
Big Jay Oakerson
Absolutely.
Bobby Kelly
To reconnect his relationship with Kevin. You understand that?
Jacob
That's true.
Bobby Kelly
I threw my whole. I. I had the ability to text Kevin on a movie set and he would text me back from the chair. Yeah, I had that.
Big Jay Oakerson
I. Woody Allen. You, dude.
Bobby Kelly
And I could have used that. I. I have a thing coming out, a movie coming out. I have stuff that I have. I could have used that for my connection to Kev, but I threw it out. What's that?
Big Jay Oakerson
You're doing a film. Yeah, okay.
Bobby Kelly
I have film. I'll tell you about it in a month or so.
Big Jay Oakerson
But I know what it is.
Bobby Kelly
So I threw that out for him over there. Him. I'm not going to at look at him. I'm gonna look at you for him. And then before he went into the. Dude, you got this. Go in. You're the shit goes in. And then as soon as he gets the opportunity to be part of the fucking Illuminati.
Big Jay Oakerson
No, to be the president of the New York City chapter of cookers. Not just what you're saying. To be the chapter president.
Bobby Kelly
I would love to see Dane on skanks. He would be uncomfortable five seconds in.
Big Jay Oakerson
Why? No, he loves it.
Bobby Kelly
Why don't you br. Why don't we get him to skank Fest? Christine.
Big Jay Oakerson
Well, if you. If you let him.
Bobby Kelly
Oh, let her.
Big Jay Oakerson
If you tell. If you tell him I'm attached. If you tell him I'm attached.
Bobby Kelly
Why don't you get him at skank fest?
Big Jay Oakerson
He actually, he did. He did. He did mention something about Skankfest. But he said he would need like if you could set up some sort of like a. Like a cigar thing over by the water for him.
Bobby Kelly
That's me.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah. No, this would be just for him.
Bobby Kelly
Oh, he's gonna have his own cigar thing. But he doesn't smoke cigars.
Big Jay Oakerson
No. You could mingle and then we'll throw the weed people in with you and the cigarette people.
Bobby Kelly
You've done that already.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dane's not gonna go for that day's. Not gonna bend over and eat from Rebecca and Christine and Lewis like that cooks Cubans. Yeah. Oh yeah.
Bobby Kelly
He's gonna get Cuban cigars.
Big Jay Oakerson
Straight Cubans. What the.
Bobby Kelly
Wait a second. I'm getting Nicaraguan.
Big Jay Oakerson
You could borrow one. You and Mo. You and your friend Mo can split one from my. From the cookatorium.
Bobby Kelly
Are they gonna have food? They're gonna have food over there.
Big Jay Oakerson
Yes, of course. Delicious foods, young bitches.
Bobby Kelly
Delicious foods.
Big Jay Oakerson
Sioux fucking von Dutch hats.
Bobby Kelly
If you don't make the souffi with a mitten with no fingers on it, you're stupid.
Big Jay Oakerson
The Sufi with the mittens should be a shirt immediately.
Bobby Kelly
100% with the fingernail polish under the
Big Jay Oakerson
two fingers, main cookie on the back. I'm his main cook.
Bobby Kelly
Ah, you are really just flourishing in this new relationship.
Big Jay Oakerson
I really am. Out on the road, it's nice to have a partner who can help you
Bobby Kelly
make the most of your journey.
Big Jay Oakerson
A partner like the loves rewards appreciate.
Bobby Kelly
With Love's rewards along for the ride,
Big Jay Oakerson
you earn points on food, fuel, drinks and more every time you scan. Then you can spend those points at Love's just like cash. So every stop is even more rewarding. Download the app today and watch the points roll in mile after mile.
Bobby Kelly
Love's rewards save and earn at every turn.
Big Jay Oakerson
Terms apply.
Bobby Kelly
See website for details.
Big Jay Oakerson
In the US there's a break in every 26 seconds.
Bobby Kelly
But when intruders step near Simplisafe home security steps stop.
Big Jay Oakerson
This is Simplisafe. Police are on the way.
Bobby Kelly
Using AI alerts US based live agents
Big Jay Oakerson
help deter break ins. Simply safe.
Bobby Kelly
No long term contracts.
Big Jay Oakerson
Save 50 on your new system with professional monitoring at SimpliSafe.com sxm or with promo code sxm outdoor deterrence requires a Simplisafe Active Guard Outdoor Protection plan starting at 49.99amonth. Visit simplisafe.com licenses for alarm license information. Tennessee 2012.
Date: May 29, 2026
Podcast: The Bonfire, SiriusXM’s Faction Talk
In this episode, Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly dive into their signature blend of candid, irreverent comedy, tackling everything from the idiosyncrasies of musician fandom and substance habits to the intricacies of the comedy world’s relationships—particularly their evolving saga with Dane Cook. The hosts riff on past road stories, addiction, the economics of smoking, combat sports, and their mock-jealousy and mockery surrounding Jay’s burgeoning friendship with Dane Cook. The episode showcases their playful antagonism, inside jokes, and razor-sharp banter, making it both a roast and a love letter to their long, complex histories in stand-up and radio.
[02:23–07:42]
[07:43–17:00]
[10:47–15:40]
[18:00–24:09]
[25:04–35:42]
[42:06–47:50]
[47:51–54:41]
[46:48–61:05]
[58:04–62:15]
[61:05–74:49]
[73:49–76:13]
Jay, on smoking for social status:
“I taught myself how to smoke so I could hang out with David Tell when my girlfriend broke up with me.” [09:36]
Bobby, on addictions:
“Your addictions are kind of okay…Christine's addictions, not okay.” [07:42]
Jay, agonizing over a reply to Dane Cook:
“I gotta think of the perfect thing to say!” [44:27]
Bobby, on his role in the potential new tour:
“Why don't you just make me sell the merch?” [66:12]
Jay, on his and Dane’s hypothetical beauty routine:
“It’s so much space for physical comedy. We get physical comedy together in the mornings. That's what we call yoga.” [51:05]
The episode is consistently fast-paced, self-deprecating, and steeped in the hosts’ mutual affection and willingness to push each other's buttons. Their playful competitiveness—especially regarding loyalty, old feuds, and the allure of celebrity—makes for an episode that’s both revealing and absurdist, with riffs that blur the line between real grievances and standup bit.
"Dane’s Main Cookie" exemplifies The Bonfire’s brand: unfiltered friendship, candid talk about vices and showbiz, and meta-mockery about their place in comedy’s chaotic hierarchy. The banter about Dane Cook serves as a lens for the hosts to tackle their own insecurities and camaraderie. For listeners, the episode combines relatable stories (about music, partying, and money) with niche industry gossip and the sort of inside jokes that make longtime fans feel like part of the crew.
Notable Meta-Gag: By the end, even their riffing on the episode’s own structure (fake tour posters, featured slots, merchandise) serves as a running commentary on comedy ego, aging in showbiz, and the endless cycle of new friendships and old grudges.
For those who missed the episode: Prepare yourself for lots of groaning, laughter, rapid-fire sarcasm, and a master class in radio chemistry.