Death Cab with Sean Patton

Summary

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: Death Cab with Sean Patton
Air Date: December 11, 2025

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Overview

This episode features Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly, joined by their comedian friend Sean Patton, in a typically raucous Bonfire session. The trio launches into irreverent discussions about travel, the comedy life, wild school memories, culinary roots, catering, and the gritty realities of both their own lives and the many oddballs they've encountered in New York and New Orleans. Tonal swings between filth, nostalgia, and genuine warmth provide plenty of laughs, with Sean offering a slice of life from his Louisiana upbringing and behind-the-scenes festival tales.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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1. Charleston, Comedy, & Local Celebrities

(01:58 – 03:15)

• Sean shares he's performing at Wit's End in Charleston, and the group riffs on Charleston's unique atmosphere—a city clinging to both Southern charm and problematic history.
• Jay jokes about possibly moving but not to Charleston. Bobby quips about the “rich racism” of the city, pokes fun at its antebellum vibe, and shares run-ins with celebrities like Bill Murray and Danny McBride.
• Brett Gelman, Stranger Things actor and comic, gets a shout-out as a Charleston denizen.

Notable Quote

“They try to really keep it like... like antebellum parties and shit. ... it feels like it’s gonna be women walking with, like, lace gloves and little umbrellas...”
— Bobby Kelly (02:24)

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2. Porn Star Peter North & “Rope” Envy

(03:15 – 06:34)

• Spirals into a typically Bonfire NSFW segment on adult film star Peter North’s legendary “ropes.” The comics compare their own, less impressive realities, landing on absurd lines around legacy and genetics.
• Bobby details a conversation with Nina Hartley about North’s impressive output, play-by-play in their usual gross-out, poetic fashion.
• Artful analogies (chocolate over desserts, Jackson Pollock paintings) are thrown in.

Notable Quotes

“I just wish one time in my life I shot ropes like that.”
— Bobby Kelly (03:24)

“He’s the pornographic equivalent of, like, a Jackson Pollock.”
— Sean Patton (04:37)

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3. Hot Teachers & School Lunchtime Stories

(07:09 – 15:46)

• The trio indulges in nostalgia about teachers, particularly “hot” female teachers and gym teachers, broaching crossing lines and awkward schoolboy crushes.
• Jacob (producer/crew) and Sean swap stories about childhood teachers' quirks, including cutting gray hairs in class, to the gang’s disbelief.
• Vivid takes on school lunches: weird milk bags in New Orleans, box vs. bag, and the humiliations and small hustles born of poverty or embarrassment (“lunch ticket” hustling, PBJ sandwiches).
• Group fondly recalls iconic school desserts, from cookies to Otis Spunkmeyer—leading into commercial food nostalgia (Subway, bowling alley cookies).

Notable Quotes

“She used to make me go up and cut her gray hairs out... in kindergarten.”
— Jacob (09:52)

“I would get the lunch, one lunch ticket, then sell it to the dollar kids... get the dollar and then buy my drugs and booze.”
— Jacob (13:29)

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4. Food, Family & Southern Cooking

(18:00 – 21:45)

• Discussion turns toward Sean’s family’s catering business in New Orleans; Sean and Jay talk about the community, competition, and feast-scale cooking.
• Deep-fried turkey tips and horror stories—Sean details proper, safe methods, including blow-drying the turkey for crispy skin.
• Commentary on Southern attitudes ("government ain't gonna touch my fucking shit!") when Sean's sister, with a master’s in sociology, tried to help raise houses in flood zones.

Notable Quotes

“Growing up in a catering family, like, I can cook an insanely good gumbo, but I can only do it for like 20 servings or more.”
— Sean Patton (20:42)

“It's dangerous, but it's... so fucking [good].”
— Sean Patton on deep-frying turkeys (21:05)

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5. Skankfest NOLA, Cab Gun Story, & The Real New Orleans

(27:20 – 32:53)

• Sean tells wild Skankfest stories: running into local competition, and his harrowing experience with a cab driver pulling a gun, locking him in, and threatening him after the festival (“Do not with me, man!”).
• The group contrasts New Orleans’ predatory quirks with the insulated stupidity safety net of Las Vegas: In NOLA, you must stay on your toes—shot girls drugging tourists, hustles ("I’ll tell you where you got your shoes... on your feet"), and persistent “local color.”
• Weird New York vs. New Orleans: scam artists, “monks with bracelets,” and the metamorphosis of eccentric characters in the comedy district.

Notable Quotes

“I am not with you, buddy. … And then he reaches his glove box and pulls out a gun.”
— Sean Patton (29:36)

“Vegas protects stupidity… New Orleans, unfortunately, kind of preys on stupidity.”
— Sean Patton (31:41)

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6. Comedy Scene Oddballs, Scams & Costumed Hustles

(33:03 – 37:38)

• The crew shares stories of local NY weirdos, including those who became unhinged over time, and classic sidewalk hustles.
• Discuss characters like the “adventurer’s hat guy,” “milk carton golfer,” “Crazy Mike,” subway Elmo gangs, and racket territory at music festivals—even nitrous (NOS) mafia at Phish shows.

Notable Quotes

“He wore, like, an adventurer’s hat that had, like, birds and shit all over… He would just scream at people and just scream in the street.”
— Bobby Kelly (33:19)

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7. Drug Stories & Being Dosed

(38:03 – 41:58)

• The conversation concludes with a dive into past drug stories: people slipping LSD in drinks, acid vs. mushrooms, “Visine pranks,” and industry in-jokes (“Ari Shafir’d”).
• Jay details the notorious Legion of Skanks episode where Ari Shafir swapped a dosed drink with Jay’s—a situation Jay did not appreciate, resulting in a sad, insomniac evening.

Notable Quotes

“He was like, you know, you drugged me? I drugged Jay. And then Jay’s face was the saddest face I’ve ever seen.”
— Jacob (40:01)

“I was awake, just upset with my friends… That’s how I handled it.”
— Big Jay Oakerson (41:31)

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Memorable Moments & Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• (02:24) “They try to really keep it like… antebellum parties and shit.”
• (03:24) “I just wish one time in my life I shot ropes like that.”
• (04:37) “He’s the pornographic equivalent of, like, a Jackson Pollock.”
• (13:29) “I would get the lunch, one lunch ticket, then sell it to the dollar kids… get the dollar and then buy my drugs and booze.”
• (20:42) “I can cook an insanely good gumbo, but I can only do it for like 20 servings or more.”
• (29:36) “He… pulls out a gun. …Do not with me, man.”
• (31:41) “Vegas protects stupidity… New Orleans… preys on stupidity.”
• (40:01) “He was like… you drugged me? I drugged Jay. And then Jay’s face was the saddest face I’ve ever seen.”
• (41:31) “I was awake, just upset with my friends… That’s how I handled it.”

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Segment Timestamps

• 01:36 – 03:15 Charleston, comedy gigs, and Southern quirks
• 03:15 – 06:34 Peter North, “ropes,” and performance envy
• 07:09 – 15:46 Teachers, old school lunch stories, and lunchroom economics
• 18:00 – 21:45 New Orleans family catering tales, mass cooking, deep-frying turkeys
• 27:20 – 32:53 Skankfest NOLA, the cab gun incident, tourist dangers in New Orleans
• 33:03 – 37:38 New York/East Coast street characters, scams, and musical hustles
• 38:03 – 41:58 Drugging stories, Jay’s “LSD betrayal,” comedy world pranks

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Tone & Language

The language is raw, irreverent, brutally honest, and rich in filth and humor—the authentic Bonfire experience. There’s affection and camaraderie between the comics, with Sean adding a New Orleans flavor and a pinch of family pride. It’s a quick-fire roundtable of real stories, bodily fluids, hustle nostalgia, and the minor triumphs and losses of blue-collar and showbiz life.

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In Summary

This Bonfire episode is vintage Oakerson/Kelly: it’s raucous, heartfelt, lewd, and deeply hilarious. With Sean Patton as the guest, the crew covers Southern roots, school scams, food, comedy culture, and the hazards of trusting—be it your classmates, local cabbies, or even your fellow comics. The only thing tying it all together is the trio’s ability to turn every humiliating, weird, or scary episode into a punchline.

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For upcoming shows:

• Sean Patton at Wit's End, Charleston, SC (Dec 4–6)
• Bobby Kelly: Uncle Vinny’s, Point Pleasant, NJ
• Jay: Omaha
• Special Charity Drives and Village Underground live Bonfire taping (Dec 16)

Transcript

[Mrs. Claus]

Guys, thanks for helping me carry my Christmas tree.

[Bobby Kelly]

Zoe, this thing weighs a ton.

[Sean Patton]

Drew Ski, live with your legs, man. Santa.

[Jacob]

Santa, did you get my letter?

[Sean Patton]

He's talking to you britches. I'm not.

[Mrs. Claus]

Of course he did.

[Sean Patton]

Right, Santa, you know my elf Drew Ski here.

[Bobby Kelly]

He handles the nice list. And elf, I'm six' three. What everyone wants is iPhone 17 and at T Mobile, you can get it on them. That center stage front camera is amazing for group selfies. Right, Mrs. Claus?

[Mrs. Claus]

I'm Mrs. Claus. Claus much younger sister. And AT T Mobile, there's no trade in needed when you switch. So you can keep your old phone.

[Sean Patton]

Or give it as a gift.

[Mrs. Claus]

And the best part, you can make the switch to T mobile from your phone in just 15 minutes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nice.

[Sean Patton]

My side of the tree is slipping. Kimber, the holidays are better. AT T Mobile, switch in just 15 minutes and get iPhone 17 on us with no trade in needed. And now T mobile is available in US cellular stores with 3, 4 monthly.

[Bobby Kelly]

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[Mrs. Claus]

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[Sean Patton]

And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly right here on.

[Bobby Kelly]

The Bonfire faction talk series XM103. Big J Okerson, Robert Kelly bringing it to you. We have a very fun guest in the studio with us. He's going to be at Wit's End comedy club in Charleston, South Carolina this weekend, December 4th through the 6th. For tickets, go to Wit's End, Charleston Wits and Charleston.com it is the hilarious Sean Patton in the house.

[Jacob]

Jay's going to be actually moving there in the next couple of years to live alone and maybe. Maybe South Carolina.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, not Charleston. No.

[Sean Patton]

You ever been in Charleston?

[Bobby Kelly]

Although I do like the rich racism of the city.

[Sean Patton]

Yeah. Dude, the Confederate Museum. It's there. It's there and it's open.

[Bobby Kelly]

I spent a day there. Oh, I did a show with. That was Shane. Tim Dillon, Nick Mullen. We did like a big PlayStation.

[Sean Patton]

Wait, Shane who?

[Bobby Kelly]

Gillis.

[Sean Patton]

Oh, okay.

[Jacob]

That guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he was a little dust up over at snl. Yeah, A couple years back, he had a little dust up, but we did it down there. And it really does look like. They try to really keep it like. Like antebellum parties and shit. Like, feeling. It feels like it's gonna be women walking with, like, you know, lace gloves and little umbrellas and shit.

[Sean Patton]

But Bill Murray, you might. You might also just bump into Bill Murray.

[Bobby Kelly]

You could also bump into Bill Murray or Danny McBride, right? Yeah.

[Sean Patton]

Or Brett Gelman, I think. Brett Gelman. You remember Brett Gelman, Comedian. I mean, he does more acting stuff. He's on Stranger Things.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, really?

[Sean Patton]

He's like the. The. The nerdy professor guy. Like, the hair I haven't seen.

[Jacob]

I've only seen, like, Meg Ryan.

[Sean Patton]

Yeah, it's just.

[Jacob]

Meg Ryan lives there.

[Sean Patton]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're just saying that.

[Sean Patton]

That guy. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Gelman.

[Jacob]

Yeah, I'm just saying.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, sure.

[Sean Patton]

I'm pretty sure he lives in.

[Bobby Kelly]

I do remember.

[Sean Patton]

He's funny.

[Bobby Kelly]

He was a comic.

[Jacob]

Ryan Gossett lives there.

[Sean Patton]

Peter North.

[Jacob]

Yeah. Peter North.

[Bobby Kelly]

Porn star Peter North. Yes.

[Jacob]

Nice.

[Sean Patton]

I'm just. I know that's your. I know that's your spirit animal.

[Bobby Kelly]

Peter North.

[Jacob]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Peter North. You call it as my spirit animal. I mean, I just wish one time my life I shot ropes like that.

[Sean Patton]

Just one.

[Bobby Kelly]

They're so big.

[Sean Patton]

If you could do it once, would you. Would you be okay with that being the end of the semen, The Okerson line?

[Bobby Kelly]

If I just shoot.

[Sean Patton]

Like, if you could shoot one, Peter North.

[Bobby Kelly]

But then no more load comes out.

[Sean Patton]

No more load ever again.

[Bobby Kelly]

I really have to pick where that load falls. There's never been a more important landing spot for jizz in my life.

[Jacob]

You'd have to be standing. You don't want to be lying on your back. I might just shoot in your eye and blind you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I gotta say, from the get go, I've never, even from a young man, been a real, like eight, nine ropes shooting forward out. I mean, there's always been a little bit of. Just a fallout of jizz I hate. And then once in a while, you take one, sends you send one.

[Jacob]

I would never want to jizz like him. What spills give me anxiety. And I just. When I come, I'm like, oh, where Is it cleaning up?

[Bobby Kelly]

I like it when they.

[Sean Patton]

I get.

[Jacob]

I get all stressed out.

[Sean Patton]

Spills give you anxiety?

[Jacob]

Yeah, dude, I. I spill milk, I walk away from it.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I like when the girl. When the girls. When the girl's face goes up and you see he lays it, and it's just a bunch of lines across. It looks like Eddie Van Halen's guitar.

[Sean Patton]

He's like. He's the pornographic equivalent of, like, a Jackson Pollock.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. And they make art, I tell you. That was when Adam Carolla, when I said something about Peter north and he called him, he goes, oh, we've had the decorator in here. The decorator is the funniest nickname I've ever heard for somebody in my life. For what he does, the decorator, he.

[Sean Patton]

Inspired Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, the whole empire.

[Bobby Kelly]

But I will say that's almost the thing that I admire of his that I never have. It's the force. It comes out velocity. So much comes out that it has time for gravity to hit it. So that's what happens. It goes over them, but then really just, like, falls. You know, it's like when someone makes. Like, your sister's a caterer. You know.

When you're throwing a little chocolate over, like. Over, like a croissant, you're just laying.

[Jacob]

It all across like a high scallop dish.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, yes. Now you understand.

[Sean Patton]

I mean, it's like. It's like when a kicker kicks a field goal. There's wind, there's velocity. He's doing this right before he comes.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's so much to consider. He goes, hey, is there an oscillating fan here or something? Because I'm getting incorrect numbers.

[Jacob]

He actually picks grass up and drops it to see where the wind is going.

[Bobby Kelly]

The first time I met Nina Hartley, I guess the only time at Comics Comedy Club, I asked her immediately about Peter north, and she told me the number, and I thought it was extremely low. She goes, most guys only come about whatever. Teaspoon, one and a half teaspoons. But she goes, Peter north comes 2 tablespoons of cum every time. And I go, it comes more than that. You're wrong. She's wrong. Tablespoons are wrong.

[Jacob]

Tablespoons, A lot of come.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not that much come, really. Not for what Peter north does.

[Jacob]

Well, let's get a tablespoon here and see who can come in it.

[Sean Patton]

Like, you think it's a full cup, you know, like a half a cup. A cup is a lot. That's a lot.

[Jacob]

A cup Is dry too much like dry rice.

[Sean Patton]

That's a. That's an entire lineage. That's a generation, dude.

[Jacob]

A tablespoon of cum is a lot.

[Bobby Kelly]

God. Remember Nina Hartley? The world's not gonna believe you that this woman was actually pretty hot at one point.

[Jacob]

She was smoking one of my favorite porn stars back in the day.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, she always had. She kept it mad 80s with that hair. She never got out of that until she was an old lady. That was the problem.

[Sean Patton]

Oh.

[Bobby Kelly]

She went from hot fit, like 80s, real 80s porn star to vanishing for a while. And then you pop back up as the old lady doing porn.

[Sean Patton]

I remember having teachers. I mean, not like this, but that. This hair. This hair. That. Well, that. That hair.

[Jacob]

Oh, shit.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Sean Patton]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You grew up in New Orleans, so you have any wild teachers? I had not.

[Jacob]

She looks like Judy Gold now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah. No, it hit her right in the fucking chops, dude. For sure.

[Sean Patton]

I remember we had a. We had. There was a teacher. I think she was only like 23 or so when we were all senior year. And wow. Then like, the year. And she used to, like, let people cut up in class and let people fuck around. She was, you know, a kid herself. And I remember, like a year later when we're all back in town from, like, I hadn't left yet, but, you know, everybody else comes back from college or at the bar the night before Thanksgiving, specifically, which is the night everyone gets blackout shit faced. My best friend, just to her face was like, you're a bad teacher. I'm like, behind because you let us fuck around. I remember that moment. Her, like, ru.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like, ruining my life.

[Sean Patton]

Yeah. It's been like, I like, you let us fuck around. And it was fun. But now I'm taking, like, you know, I'm learning about history as a freshman.

[Bobby Kelly]

I will say that I should have.

[Sean Patton]

Learned 10 years ago.

[Jacob]

You know, I had a gym. I had a gym teacher that was as smoking hot as Nina in seventh grade. What? Oh, smoking hot. Like she used to. And she. We. That's back when you had to wear gym outfits. Did you have to do that in high school?

[Bobby Kelly]

That one year I went to a real school.

[Jacob]

I was seventh, ninth grade. You had to wear your gym clothes. You had to change out, and they were like little tight red shorts with a stupid shirt. And she.

[Bobby Kelly]

She wants Stewart from Beavis and Butter.

[Jacob]

She was ridiculously hot. All we wanted to do is jumping jacks. But every. Every. You know, a couple times.

[Bobby Kelly]

Might I suggest jumping jacks a couple times a week?

[Jacob]

My uncle's Friend Johnny Pop would come in and he was an insurance adjuster. He would just come into school and she'd be like, I'll be right back. And she would go in his, her office with him and I guess whatever, they were dating or whatever, she was going there for like 20 minutes. And I never thought anything of it, but recently I've seen him and I was like, dude, when you used to come into class, he goes, oh, I fucked the shit out of. Every time I went in, I would just come in and fuck her in her office. I was like, that's hot.

[Sean Patton]

That had to happen a lot more than we think.

[Bobby Kelly]

Teachers just, I'm telling you, my teachers pool. What? I'm surprised again, cause I didn't notice any of it. But if there was anything, it would be the guys. We had some guys that were like, in hindsight I can see now were like 40 year old guys, 30 something year old guys that maybe they were trying to do stuff like weird with students. But I never had, in all of my years of schooling, one mildly attractive female teacher. Every time. Old women, old Indian women, old white women.

[Jacob]

I had a lot of hot chicks. I had my art teacher in High School, Mrs. D. That's who you're supposed to fuck. Smoking hot, big gazubas, Italian.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't let a white girl with dreadlocks teach kids. She was hot, she's bound to try to teach them everything about internal spirituality.

[Jacob]

My kindergarten teacher was smoking hot. She used to make me go up and cut her gray hairs out. What? She would.

[Sean Patton]

Out of where?

[Jacob]

She had this black. Her box.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why would she have grown up in Jersey?

[Sean Patton]

Jersey?

[Jacob]

No, I was in Boston. She would bring me up and she gave me a pair of scissors and she goes, if you find a gray, I want you to cut it out. And I would go up while in class. In kindergarten.

[Sean Patton]

On kindergarten?

[Jacob]

Yeah, in kindergarten.

[Sean Patton]

That makes enough.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's insane. Give a child scissors to cut out grays in kindergarten.

[Jacob]

It was the seventies, you know, Shit.

[Sean Patton]

Like a few. A few years ago I found. I went back, I drove past where I went to like from kindergarten to third grade. Just to see the school.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Sean Patton]

And in my memory it was this like massive monolith. And then you see it and it's like, that's a really. Oh yeah, it's like a fucking studio apartment.

[Jacob]

Go in the school. And that smell hit you. Do you ever walk into a building, oh my God, this is school.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm not allowed within 100 yards of my school.

[Sean Patton]

I wish that like someone should open A restaurant that serves just like, school style lunch.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like, I don't think that's even school.

[Sean Patton]

Style, you know what I mean?

[Bobby Kelly]

That changed over the years when I. The shitty school I went to. Always the school lunch, bag of milk. It was like a. It was a really sad thing to fucking get school lunch because it was a. You get the little box of milk?

[Jacob]

Yeah, we got a box.

[Bobby Kelly]

You get a box.

[Sean Patton]

We got a bag of milk.

[Jacob]

Did FEMA give you your lunch, L.A.

[Sean Patton]

Dude, you put the straw in, slurp it out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow.

[Sean Patton]

Blow it back up. Push the straw through.

[Jacob]

We had the box of milk and you got chocolate or regular milk.

[Bobby Kelly]

You could do chocolate or whole milk.

[Sean Patton]

Chocolate or regular.

[Bobby Kelly]

But what was really crazy was the. The law, you know? By the time I went to that set, I switched school senior year and went to, like, an actual school that had stuff. I didn't know what homecoming was or pep rallies or any of that. Was you homeschooled? No, I wasn't homeschooled. I just went to, like, a shitty neighborhood school in West Philadelphia.

[Sean Patton]

Wow.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just, like, they didn't have anything like that. No pep rallies, no nothing.

[Jacob]

You remember my favorite lunch meal was no sports. Really? Remember Salisbury steak with the potatoes and the white bread?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, we would get Salisbury steak. Was one of the possible school lunches. School lunch was never. You could pay for snacks. There was no lunch. Lunch was free if you needed it with a cute. With like a ticket. But it was a tin foil thing, and the top of it had the outlines of, like, what the awful food was gonna be. It was like an oval for, like, a piece of Salisbury steak. Like, you know, four circles means there's peas and, like, you know, whatever. Like some other, like, pile of shit.

[Jacob]

I never got. I never got tickets because you had to be a certain maker. My mother would not go on welfare when she divorced my stepdad, so she had a job. She made me lunch every day. The same thing. Peanut butter and jelly. Too much jelly. An apple. No such thing to me. It makes the bread wet. It's disgusting. It was gross.

[Sean Patton]

Your mom didn't toast it? No.

[Jacob]

She gave me an apple and then she would write a note in my bag to me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Apples, poison, how much.

[Jacob]

How much she loves me. But not out of love. Just passive aggressively just to embarrass me in front of the other kids.

[Sean Patton]

Oh, my God.

[Jacob]

So I couldn't even. I couldn't even.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love you to death even though you pee your bed all the time. Love, Mom.

[Jacob]

I couldn't even, like, nobody would Ever. You know the trade lunches.

[Sean Patton]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jacob]

Nobody would trade with me, so I actually had to take other kids lunch tickets.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, Bobby, no matter what your sexual victim there, Bobby, no matter what your sexuality is, I still love you.

[Sean Patton]

You were the victim.

[Jacob]

Me and Bobby Z, when they would announce lunch tickets up, they'd be like, all right, come down and we'd go and wait in front of the office. And as kids were coming out, we like, give me a lunch ticket. And we'd take one lunch ticket from every kid and then we go up to the kids who had a. Because lunch was a dollar. I was. It was 85 cents. So you would get 15 cents back. So the kids who paid with a dollar. Yeah, I would just go, hey, give me the dollar. I'll give you a lunch ticket. You just lended me 15 cents.

[Sean Patton]

Oh, so you weren't bullying them out. You were negotiating.

[Jacob]

I would get the lunch, one lunch ticket, then sell it to the dollar kids.

[Sean Patton]

Right.

[Jacob]

Get the dollar and then buy my drugs and booze. And then I would be able to get a Salisbury steak. I'd ready to get a regular lunch. Because I would throw my lunch out every day.

[Sean Patton]

This is. This. The math here is fucking wild, dude.

[Jacob]

What are you gonna do?

[Sean Patton]

15 cents. She stocked up.

[Jacob]

I had no. I had the dollar.

[Sean Patton]

You had the full dollar. Okay. Yeah, because I got lost somewhere in the math. Yeah, but. But wow, an entrepreneur. Bobby. Bobby fucking Kelly.

[Jacob]

You gotta get drugs somehow.

[Bobby Kelly]

But I couldn't believe when I went to that school that had like the school lunch, like the lunch lady scooping out like Mac and cheese or pizza and tacos and stuff. I used to look at that. They gave you the little, little thing to bring home, like the little calendar to put on your fridge. I remember going that thing every day. I'm like, ooh, nice filet. O. Fish sandwiches or other pizza day.

[Jacob]

Pizza day was the huge best.

[Bobby Kelly]

Any of it. I was kind of fine with all of it. Tacos, pizza, whatever. I was like, hell yeah.

[Sean Patton]

We had. We had hot lunch line, which was the variety. Like y' all are saying tacos, obviously. And then the full time pizza line. 24 every day. Not 24. Seven, obviously, but. And it was a dollar. It was just a dollar.

[Jacob]

We had pizza day. And it was like maybe once every other week they'd have pizza. That was.

[Bobby Kelly]

Pizza was a new thing when you were back in school, huh? Pizza was a new thing.

[Sean Patton]

I mean, it explains a lot. Why I will forever be shaped like this is. Cause I think for like two years, I Ate a round pizza every single day for lunch and a bag of chocolate.

[Jacob]

You said the snacks you had to pay for. But the cookies, the three cookie stack.

[Sean Patton]

We actually did not have desserts.

[Jacob]

Is that what it is? Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

To this day, I've even made Christina over the years get a little bit into Linden's butter. The butter toffee ones. There was chocolate chip, chocolate chocolate chip and a butter toffee. One butter toffee. To this day, top notch cookie.

[Jacob]

Oh, man, those cookies were the best.

[Sean Patton]

I don't think. I. I don't. I never. What about Subway cookies? No, that was the first cookie I ever was like, all right. But I've never been a sweets guy. Believe it or not, ever.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm a big. I go back to the old. Most bowling alleys would have a little oven making Otis Spunkmeyer cookies. Fresh what? Otis Spunkmeyer cookies.

[Sean Patton]

Come on, baby.

[Bobby Kelly]

They sell. They don't. They don't. You don't just sell the cookies. They. I guess when you're selling Otis Monk Mart, they send you a little oven and little, you know, not cooked cookies. And then you're constantly just cooking little Otis spunk fire. Cookies are pre packaged. This is what I'm talking about.

[Sean Patton]

This. They sponsored Peter north for a while because the Spunk Meyer.

[Bobby Kelly]

No way. The Spunkmeister, the decorator. Does anybody interview Peter north today?

[Sean Patton]

I thought he was dead.

[Jacob]

He's not.

[Sean Patton]

He's still alive.

[Jacob]

He's alive.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's still alive. Dude beat aids.

[Sean Patton]

You know what?

[Bobby Kelly]

When you come that much, anything that's in you is coming out of you.

[Sean Patton]

Viruses, cancer.

[Bobby Kelly]

Four times. Bone marrow cancer. There you go.

[Sean Patton]

These ejaculated herpes. Actual bumps.

[Jacob]

Did you have. Did you have to get the oven? They send it for free.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do they really? So if you're.

[Sean Patton]

What?

[Jacob]

Why is this not a gift for everybody?

[Sean Patton]

Why is it not?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, you could have it at your house.

[Jacob]

They send you the oven for free.

[Bobby Kelly]

Because you have to. Could you get on a program where.

[Jacob]

They have to all. So you have to eat cookies all the time?

[Sean Patton]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Now it's fucked up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, you're going to get cookies delivered to you a decent amount. But the Otis Bunkmeyer oven makes a good mother.

[Sean Patton]

I could see, I could see them starting to sponsor like, doesn't YouTube or like Instagram, like Stavro Influencer Skank Fest.

[Bobby Kelly]

The Spunk Meyer stage.

[Sean Patton]

Oh my God.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right now. The Otis Spunkmeyer boxing ring.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Sean Patton]

And those spunky are not full of thc. They're not.

[Jacob]

I love that. This oven Just has an on switch.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah. You push on, it's making cookies. Cookies are not making cookies. There's no temperature.

[Sean Patton]

It's an adult easy Bake Oven. Next. Next year for Skank Fest. Y' all should put a chapel just to see who goes in there.

[Bobby Kelly]

That would be great.

[Sean Patton]

Like chapels. Like, how'd you go there?

[Bobby Kelly]

So Bobby have his meetings.

[Jacob]

I'm start AA meetings at Skankfest.

[Sean Patton]

That would. I. I encourage it.

[Mrs. Claus]

Do you know somebody that could design.

[Sean Patton]

A mini version of the classic chapel? I guarantee in the south, someone.

[Bobby Kelly]

No doubt.

[Jacob]

I gotta say your sister. Your sister.

[Sean Patton]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Watch your mouth.

[Sean Patton]

She's a big girl. She could beat my ass.

[Jacob]

No, no. That food was the best food at Skankfish.

[Sean Patton]

She knows what's up.

[Jacob]

It was that. What is it called? A man.

I want to say man. Philadelphia.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you say kudos to the chef for making me a sandwich?

[Jacob]

Yeah, dude. That man.

[Sean Patton]

Philippe, I'm gonna let you say.

[Jacob]

Whatever.

[Sean Patton]

You want to call it, brother.

[Bobby Kelly]

Squido.

[Sean Patton]

It's a muffin a lot. It's a classic old Italian sandwich.

[Jacob]

It's. That was great. All the food there was awesome.

[Sean Patton]

Family candy company. Yeah, my sister is fantastic.

[Bobby Kelly]

But it is. It's an Italian sandwich with the olive is the thing.

[Jacob]

Yeah, dude, that's. I. I love Italian sandwich. But if you make an Italian sandwich with too much meat and too much it sucks. That thing is perfect.

[Sean Patton]

Muffalatas with the G or what are they? I mean, the classic one in New Orleans is at Central Grocery, but they do. You know, the fam. The family business does a great version of it as well. It's a classic. It's. I'm surprised Joey Rosa's doesn't have a fucking. Does your drunkenly made version of this.

[Bobby Kelly]

He never heard of that till we got there.

[Jacob]

Joey doesn't even do sandwiches.

[Bobby Kelly]

Joe's sandwiches is limited. Yeah, Joe and a sandwich shop. And moved to Austin where there's no sandwiches.

[Sean Patton]

Did he move to Austin?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Sean Patton]

This explains a lot.

[Jacob]

He moved to Austin. He got a house in the woods of Pennsylvania, grabbed five.

[Bobby Kelly]

He grabbed five, two tight leather jackets and moved his ass to Austin.

[Jacob]

He actually put his. His bike and helmet on Facebook market.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know you shouldn't see the outline of your short sleeves through your leather jacket.

That means your jacket's too tight.

[Jacob]

We should know if you have a belly button hernia when you have your leather jacket on.

[Bobby Kelly]

When your winter jacket is closed. I shouldn't see your belly button hernia.

[Sean Patton]

I remember when me and Soder were doing Edinburgh. We Were doing a character that was a Joe Derosa Parks.

I let your imagination know what that would do.

[Bobby Kelly]

Joe de Rosa Parks. Yeah. Just sit in the back of the bus.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Sean Patton]

What the. Dude? What? You want to see the back of the bus? Come on, dude. It was just civil. Civil rights.

[Bobby Kelly]

Was your sister always like, was she interested in cooking? Does your family have like a line of cooks in it?

[Sean Patton]

Yeah, I mean, it's culinary family day. I mean, it's.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are you a cook?

[Sean Patton]

No. I mean, I can, I can, but I'm not.

[Jacob]

Did you work for the business at all?

[Sean Patton]

For everyone? It's family business.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, no. So you can't cook.

[Sean Patton]

So you grow up. I can cook. My sister can too.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't like it?

[Sean Patton]

I. I mean, I'm just not as patient.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's what I feel like. That's my problem. I'd like to cook, but I don't even. Right down to like, the setting out all the ingredients. Like, I don't find that fun. Cooking, like, TV show cooking is great. Like, oh, here's exactly the. I don't know. It's like, hello, fresh. But that's not fun either to me. Yeah, I'd rather. I'd rather do it from like, well, we're gonna make it. Let's make it.

[Sean Patton]

Growing up in a catering family, like, I can cook an insanely good gumbo, but I can only do it for like 20 servings or more. Saying like, I only know how to make mass amounts.

[Bobby Kelly]

I also have similar to that. I know how to make giant stuff.

[Sean Patton]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I can deep fry the fuck out of a turkey, but I can. I'm better if I'm doing four at once.

[Bobby Kelly]

Deep fry the turkey is a dangerous way, right?

[Sean Patton]

It's dangerous, but it's. It's so fucking.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is it dangerous just because of the jumping oil?

[Sean Patton]

It's explosion. Multiple things. People always put too much oil. They forget that oil actually expands once it gets hot, you know, so it'll spill over grease fires.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, they forgot or they never knew. Like me.

[Sean Patton]

Or they never knew. Or they put in a frozen turkey, which is basically a mini nuclear bomb.

[Jacob]

The water hits.

[Sean Patton]

You got to dry the turkey off 1000% salt and pepper it. I even recommend blow drying it for a little bit because I'll give it a crispy skin once it actually. And then three minutes a pound at fucking 350 degrees. Keep it at 350. Don't let it go too high, don't let go too low.

[Jacob]

But don't you have to slowly put it in. You can't just drop it.

[Sean Patton]

You don't drop it in obviously, but.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just, you know, what's the guy. Didn't Robert Kennedy Jr. Like burn his half of his face off? Just dropping it in, dude. I mean, deep fried turkey dunk.

[Sean Patton]

Yeah, I've seen some pretty bad. I've had some pretty bad grease burns over the years. Yeah, that shit'll just pop and catch you in the face. And you're like, wow, that sucks. That's the new song.

[Jacob]

I hate cooking bacon. He just snaps in your face.

[Bobby Kelly]

Stop cooking it naked the way you love.

[Jacob]

I can't do that. You know I can't do that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't.

[Jacob]

It's snapping my wiener.

[Sean Patton]

Bobby, why'd you come to your house and you've got like a. Like a grange on the floor. Why do you stand over your range like that?

[Jacob]

You're not supposed to do it that way.

[Bobby Kelly]

So you don't have any, like. Do you cook for yourself at all now?

[Sean Patton]

Oh, yeah, dude. I mean, I gotta. Like, the air fryer is my favorite thing I've ever. It's replaced almost. It's like the total gym for cooking. It just replaced everything. But like, I mean, my sister. It's kind of funny because my sister's got her masters in sociology.

[Bobby Kelly]

Really?

[Sean Patton]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then Butters for Bobby Kelly.

[Sean Patton]

I mean, but the fucking. You know, the south doesn't really encourage positions for people like her who want to help, you know I'm saying, like she was in floodplain management and she was trying to convince, you know, fucking idiots in the flood zones of Louisiana be like, hey, let us come in here and raise your house for free.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yep.

[Sean Patton]

And they were like, government ain't gonna touch my fucking shit. She had guns pulled on her, all that. So she was like, I can't. I'm trying to help people. And they just don't want it.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's a wild thing to raise your house.

[Sean Patton]

And my dad was getting all those people. Yeah, exactly. God was like him.

[Bobby Kelly]

They did that.

[Sean Patton]

She took a defendant business. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

After hurricane Sandy, they did that in Long Island. Like they'll. They'll raise your house for free. The catch is you gotta move for about three months.

[Sean Patton]

Yeah, dude. It's funny cause my dad was an excellent business owner, but he was that old school guy where he just like a lot of favors, a lot of handshakes, a lot of. And it worked, you know? He did. He did. Well, my sister's coming in. Way more like new school. Like, no, you're signing Shit. No, we're going to talk about this. No, we're going to discuss.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's like Tommy boy.

[Sean Patton]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Me and your father had a handshake agreement. That's fantastic. I'm going to be up your ass for about 40 grand in arrears that I see here. We don't do the paperwork. Yeah, dude.

[Jacob]

The show is sponsored by Better Help. It's coming. The days are getting darker and longer. It's getting colder. And the holidays are here. Balancing family and travel and gifts and where you're going and who you're doing it with, it's easy to forget about yourself in the middle of all this chaos. We always forget to take care of ourselves because we're worried about everybody and everything else. That's why BetterHelp is encouraging you to rewrite traditions this season by making time for yourself. Incorporating therapy into your new existing traditions can help you slow down and take care of yourself during what can be a joyful but sometimes hectic, lonely time of year. And that's what you want. You want to enjoy it. The holiday looks different for everyone. Maybe it's baking your great aunt sweet potato pie or starting something new like a quiet night with friends. Therapy can be one of those new traditions, too. Better Help gives you space to pause, reflect, and feel more grounded. They match you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch anytime. With over 30,000 therapists and more than 5 million people served, BetterHelp helps people close the year with clarity instead of chaos. This December, start a new tradition by taking care of you. Our listeners get 10% [e-mail] bonfire. That's B E T T E R h e l p.com/bonfire.

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Sean Patton]

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[Bobby Kelly]

That'S gotta be weird when you do catering too. Like you have to, that's a relationships business for sure. Oh yeah, dude, like it's such a relationships business. You have to have like your suppliers for meat, blah, blah. It's not like you. Yeah, they don't, they don't go to like the Piggly Wiggly to shop for a catering.

[Sean Patton]

No, especially in this, in the city, like New Orleans too. Like they've been in business for over 40 years and doing well, you know, and that. But there's hotels, there's corporate, there's restaurants there. There's so much goddamn competition. I, I, I guarantee, like there were people when Skank Fest was happening, being like, why aren't we doing that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh really?

[Sean Patton]

Oh, Patton says it so. Pattons, you know, there's, was it Enemies of the South.

[Jacob]

Was it great though, to do Skank Fest in your hometown?

[Sean Patton]

That was fun. It was a good time.

[Jacob]

Did you do, did you go home? Did you see your family?

[Sean Patton]

Yeah, my parents came.

[Bobby Kelly]

Said he literally didn't tell his family he was coming.

[Sean Patton]

Classic. That sounds like Norman.

[Bobby Kelly]

I go, did you get this? Any family at all? He goes, he goes, no, I didn't tell him I was coming.

[Sean Patton]

He did the same thing for his wedding. Got married. Just didn't tell people he was showing up, dude. I mean, you know, it was fucking the craziest thing that happened to me. It's Gang Fest. There was one night where I was walking, we were all, everyone like, you know, we had to all be out of that venue At a certain time. And I was walking up to where Ubers and shit were and people were trying to hail cabs. And I'd been told my whole fucking life that you cannot hail a cab in the city. You have to call a cab. That's. Anytime I'd ever used a cab, I did that. So there's all these skank fest. The other kids, like, trying to have cab. Like, guys, you can't have a cab. You can't watch. And I did it. And the fucking cab just pulled over for you. And I was like, I guess you got to be from here. And I just hopped in. But as we're driving away, he was driving us to. I was going to the quarter where the after party, to the strip club. And as we're driving, the guy goes, what was that? The cab? He's like, what was that? What's going on? I'm like, oh, it's comedy fest. He's like, should I go back? I'm like, yeah, there's gonna be like 3,000 people leaving, I'm sure. And he goes, you think they like. I was like, yeah, man. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure. And he goes, you know, I could get right. I'm like, sure. He's like, should I bring some back? I'm like, man, you should bring back a whole truck, all you could fit, please.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's decaturing a pussy.

[Jacob]

And then we get to a.

[Sean Patton]

We're getting to a stoplight. And he goes, are you with me? I'm like, I am not with you, buddy. He goes, you sound like you're with me. And I'm like, I'm not with you. And then he reaches his glove box and pulls out a gun.

[Jacob]

What?

[Sean Patton]

He doesn't point it at me, just shows it to me. He goes, do not with me, man. And right there I'm like, jesus Christ. And I go to get out, right? I go to get out. If you know the city, we're right by the.

[Jacob]

You know, his accents changed since he got.

[Sean Patton]

I know, yeah, I'm trying to hide his actual.

[Bobby Kelly]

He was African. He was African earth.

[Sean Patton]

I'm sure there's. Because there's ice rage right now. I'm trying to hide, but like, we're by the World War II Museum. I try to get out in the fucking. He's got the cab doors, you know, they can lock, child lock. And he goes, you're not getting out, man. I'm gonna bring you where you need to go, but don't fuck with me. I'm like, all right, cool. And he just puts a gun down. And we. In four minutes of just silence.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jesus.

[Sean Patton]

And he drops me off. I just put 40 bucks through the little slot. I'm just like, take it. I don't even care.

[Bobby Kelly]

Interesting.

[Sean Patton]

I get out and I look at the license plate. Call the cops.

[Jacob]

Did you call the cops?

[Sean Patton]

I did call the cops. And they were like, fucking rat. And when the cop was like, there is a possibility he does have a license to carry. I was like, okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

But I mean, she, like, I'm just.

[Sean Patton]

Letting y' all know.

[Bobby Kelly]

She let people know that she People with it.

[Jacob]

Does he have a license to threaten people?

[Sean Patton]

Yeah, it was fucking wild, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was.

[Sean Patton]

It was. But it was also one that, like, that's how wild that weekend was. Was the next night. I was like, oh, yeah, that did happen.

[Bobby Kelly]

Of course. Oh, yeah. So much going on.

[Sean Patton]

And I told it at the storytelling show.

[Bobby Kelly]

That is. That's great. It is interesting. I've never really been to that city before much. And. Yeah. Like, what was the other. Like, there's people. Got to really stay on your toes out there because it's not scary city. Like, you're expecting New York or even, like, a Chicago or something. That's such a different thing. There's one guy that many people keep getting drugged by, like, the Shotgirls.

[Jacob]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's like. And apparently that's, like, the thing that you should know about, like. Like, they fucking the Shotgirls, give you shots, you get woozy, and then two guys walk into a car.

[Sean Patton]

Well, that was the thing I was telling Rebecca, and I think I even made a video for it first Guy Fest where I was like, Skype as. Vegas was fun, but Vegas also, like, protects stupidity.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right.

[Sean Patton]

You have to be able to, like, go to Vegas and be the dumbest, most irresponsible version of yourself.

[Jacob]

And that's especially a Fremont.

[Sean Patton]

Especially in all Vegas.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Sean Patton]

Whereas New Orleans, unfortunately, kind of preys on stupidity.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right.

[Sean Patton]

Which I love about it because it's, like, crazy awesome shit. But, like, yeah, people. But I feel like we got the. Because we went to that one spot, and people seem to be. They had their. Their alert on.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Sean Patton]

Yeah. Like, I don't. Because it was just one guy who got fucked, right?

[Jacob]

Yeah, What I heard.

[Sean Patton]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

And it was like another guy said.

[Bobby Kelly]

He did, but we think he just got a prostitute.

[Sean Patton]

I mean, dude. Yeah. Like, the things they'll do, they do the. And these seem like they're fun, but I've seen people get fucked up over Them like that. There's. I'll tell you where you got your shoes at. I'll bet you. I'll be 10 bucks. I can tell you. Shoes at. And you'll be like, whatever. And they're like, on your feet. And if. And they want the money or they'll go. I could tell you how many letters are in your name right now. I could tell you how many letters in your name without even saying your name.

[Bobby Kelly]

And they'll get, like, aggressive if you're.

[Sean Patton]

Not giving them money for it because it's your name. Yeah, yeah. They'll. There's all kinds of little. And they get really shitty if you're like, no, thank you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Sean Patton]

You know what I mean? Then they'll be like, you. Then I'm like, sorry, I just. I know what this is.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know in New York, we have the guy. Remember the guys would come outside the comedy club and tell the comedians jokes for money. Please go away.

[Jacob]

The guys with the monks with the bracelets.

[Sean Patton]

I haven't seen those guys in a while.

[Bobby Kelly]

Been a while. They come out and go, what's the best kind of donation? Donation.

Little fucking dumb rap.

[Sean Patton]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's a.

[Sean Patton]

It's always interesting to see, like, the. The recasting of certain of the crazies in certain neighborhood. Like, especially, like, West Village.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think there are. A lot of them are gone. I remember down there for the longest time, there was the. Who had. He wore, like, an adventurer's hat that had, like, birds and shit all over, like, fake birds over it. And he wore, like, a little thing. And he was always handing out flyers for something unofficially, always housing stuff. And he would just scream at people and just scream in the street. There was a really nice guy, but he got weirder as the years went on. He was like, a black dude who had, like, some, like, short dreads. Then the dread started getting covered in tinfoil. Then his teeth and everything started getting covered in tinfoil.

[Mrs. Claus]

Still around?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Is he still around? But he would. He would shine shoes. He was a really good dude.

[Jacob]

He's wearing a spaceship on his head now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sean Patton]

It's all a constellation.

[Bobby Kelly]

You really watched him go, like, extra crazy. We had, like, football catches with this guy back in the day.

[Sean Patton]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, I mean, like, it wasn't. He wasn't that way. And then one day it started being on the tinfoil shit.

[Jacob]

And the golfer. The guy who hits the milk.

[Bobby Kelly]

Milk cartons.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Sean Patton]

And then gets mad at people in cars who get hit by the milk cartons. Who Are like, what are you doing? Yeah, he's like, fuck you.

[Jacob]

You remember Crazy Mike? Of course, Crazy Mike.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, he come in, he would come in and jostle around salt and pepper shakers in the cellar and then just leave again. Yeah, he was like a world class musician.

[Jacob]

He actually called you by your real name. That means he likes you.

[Bobby Kelly]

He was like a world class musician, though, at one point. Yeah, he was like one of the guys, like, he just went nuts. He was a guy who went crazy, but he was like a guitarist in all those places down in the West.

[Sean Patton]

Village, he went, he went nuts. After Gnome took away all their performance spaces, made them comedy spaces.

[Bobby Kelly]

So much less salt shakers to move around, jostle.

[Sean Patton]

Well, there was the one guy in the wheelchair who would move the wheelchair with his feet.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah, you remember that?

[Sean Patton]

He'd be in the wheelchair, but he'd be like walking in. What are you doing?

[Jacob]

What about the one guy that's just in a trash bag? Have you seen that guy? He's just in a trash bag and he just. I actually saw him prepare, came in regular, took all his clothes off, took his bag out, got naked inside the bag and he just lies on the ground and that's it. That's his whole gimmick.

[Bobby Kelly]

One time, a couple blocks, One time, a couple blocks from the cellar, there was like an old man missing a bunch of teeth who was like, little short guy who would always come up. He would always come up asking for money. And then one time, we were a few blocks away, we saw him get into like, you know, nothing amazing, but like a reasonable Nissan Sentra or something. Like, you got him a.

[Sean Patton]

You got a Honda.

[Bobby Kelly]

But he did, he was, he had like four teeth. Only he looked the part in every possible way. But then he didn't like change his walk or anything. He was just like, all right, going home. Long day of bombing.

[Sean Patton]

That was a fun thing. About the first time I, when I, the first pilot season thing I ever did in la, I was staying right in Hollywood. You'd see these guys pull up, get out of their cars and just slowly start getting dressed. And 10 minutes later they're Iron man.

And they're walking out to go on Hollywood Boulevard and just like take pic and it was. And then you'd see him like come and take smoke breaks on our block. And it was like, well, it's like.

[Jacob]

The guys down in Times Square who are like, you know, Elmo and all that, that's like Ms. 13 guys. I went, I went into the subway once they were just in the corner with their, like, heads off in the elm. And they look like they'd murder you just counting all their money.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, it's like a racket. Like, anything.

[Jacob]

They'll walk up to you, take a photo, and if you don't give them money, they'll kill you. Elmo will stab you in the gut.

[Bobby Kelly]

The territorial things of silly things is so funny. Like, the. What's. The fish concerts has, like, the whatever mafia, the nas, the NOS tank mafia people.

[Sean Patton]

What is that?

[Bobby Kelly]

It's like the guys who just run. Like, the. Just those little dips that you see out there, like, selling NOS balloons at, like, fish concerts. Like, that's wrong. Like, people have died over that. Not. But not from the drug. They die from. Like, you're selling this on turf, where it's.

[Sean Patton]

You know, like, there's turf wars between nitrous balloons.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Sean Patton]

That's fucking my favorite.

[Bobby Kelly]

So much shit like that. Where. Like, the. Where's the top of the ladder on the old, like, drugga fucking tourist. And then put him in a car because everyone. The guy at Skankfest guy didn't end. It's like, pantsless in his car.

[Jacob]

Hang out with Doug Stanhope.

It actually worked out.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're in a hotel room between Doug Stanhope and Yamaneka. It's crazy up there.

[Jacob]

There.

[Bobby Kelly]

It got crazy. Crazy.

[Jacob]

That's. That's a big thing they do in. I just watched a bunch of documentaries on that. The. In Colombia, they do that. There's, like, a little squirter and they. They hook up on Tinder with dudes go out to, like, dancing, go back to their place to them. And the guys wake up, like, two days later. But these guys don't. The girls don't measure it. So some guys just die because they just go and squirt it in there. And the guys don't wake up.

[Sean Patton]

Oh, just from the.

[Jacob]

There's one guy. Yeah, there's one guy actually woke. He woke up 12 hours later. Passport, everything's gone. And then he said it got his friends. They all came down. Founder and tried to get the cops to.

[Sean Patton]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

And they were like, listen, this is Columbia. You. It's not gonna happen.

[Bobby Kelly]

At gathering at Juggalos, there was, like, a rumor going around like, hey, be careful. Like, one of the guys out there squirting, like a super soaker at everybody's. There's fentanyl in it. That's like.

[Sean Patton]

That's wild.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like, you should take him down. Like a guy walking around with a shotgun.

[Sean Patton]

Just anyone with A super soaker, maybe? Question. Also, when you said these, the way you said it, you go, these little girls squirters. And I was like, okay, like, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

How did you find out so young? You creep.

[Sean Patton]

And squirting in these guys faces.

[Bobby Kelly]

First of all, I didn't know underage girls. News to me, weirdo.

[Sean Patton]

It's a little, little, little sweet breath. You remember, people would have acid and those little sweet breath bottles.

[Bobby Kelly]

I only. The only asset I've ever done is I was drugged by my friends against my. Without me knowing. On Ari Shafir.

[Sean Patton]

Was that Ari Shvir? Yeah. You got Shafird?

[Bobby Kelly]

Got Shafird, man. Didn't enjoy it.

[Sean Patton]

Where the fuck do you think he is right now? Somewhere in Argentina.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wherever the sun is, he's following the sun south. Wait, is that what they're doing? I keep making it as a joke, but I think they're following the sun.

[Jacob]

He just made his new house with a jade axe head.

[Sean Patton]

Wait, wait. That's the only time you've ever done the hallucinogenic or a psychotropic substance.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I've done mushrooms before.

[Sean Patton]

Mushrooms?

[Bobby Kelly]

I've never done acid before. It's acid because it was so. It's so synthetic.

[Sean Patton]

What did you think? Yay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nay. About the lsd?

[Sean Patton]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I hate it because I never didn't go in with the thing when they told me that they had just done it.

[Sean Patton]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Or that things were flipped around, that it ended up being me who was drugged when I wasn't involved in.

[Sean Patton]

Oh, wait, this was Skankfest Houston, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, this was Legion of the episode of Legion of Skanks.

[Jacob]

They were trying. They were trying to drug.

[Bobby Kelly]

Lewis was trying to drug Ari.

[Sean Patton]

Shane.

[Jacob]

Shane told Ari what was happening. Ari at the last minute switched his beer with Jay's and then pretended to be on lsd. And they were all making fun of him. We drugged you. We drugged you. And he was like, you know, you drugged me? I drugged Jay. And then Jay's face was the saddest face I've ever seen.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was like, why would you guys do that to me? I didn't even know we had LSD here at all. I wouldn't with it. They all know I've never done acid before.

[Sean Patton]

Wow.

[Mrs. Claus]

Not to do it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. In fact, when Lewis said, he goes, no. Several times Lewis said, we're gonna not that night. Several times before that. We're gonna drunk. We should drug Ari because Ari's done it to people and you know, taste of his own medicine. And then I was like, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want to get involved in that, dude. I don't want to be involved in that at all. And then when they told me that night when I was like, hey, why is everybody kind of like, chuck, I'm not in on the joke. What's happening? Why is everyone kind of laughing off camera, off microphone? I said this to Lewis.

[Jacob]

You didn't even know he's gonna do it that night.

[Bobby Kelly]

No. And I go. I go, what's everybody laughing? Because what happened was I was talking and I'm noticing that everyone's like, it's a fucking worst feeling when you're doing a show and, like, you're saying something and you look over and everyone's doing this to each other. Like, yeah. You're like, hey, guys. Like. Like, I'm talking here. And I was like, is everything all right? And then Lewis just says to me. He goes, we dosed Ari with acid. He's totally tripping balls. And then I hated that right away. But then I looked over and I was like, all right, well, look, I guess if we're gonna do it to somebody.

[Sean Patton]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Or at least it's Ari who's not gonna get upset by this, I guess. Really? And then he said, like, no, I switched it with Jay's. And I was like, that's what all my finding out is. So. No, I sat up for, like, 26 hours. I was awake, just upset with my friends. They would do that to me. That's how I handled it.

[Sean Patton]

Wait, wait, wait. 26 hours post.

All together from the time.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I was. I was up for 26 hours.

[Jacob]

Did you feel it at all?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know. I mean, I felt definitely like, no. Definitely. I was like, no. What I was stuck in was, like, the cycle of thought that I was like, I wouldn't do it to them.

[Sean Patton]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And they did do that to me. So we're not friends anymore. That's like it. That's what I kept weighing out. I go, I'm not friends with these people. They're not really my friends. If they would do that.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Sean Patton]

Did you have Xanax? Did you have Xanax handy?

[Bobby Kelly]

No. I didn't even think to do anything else. I literally sat on the couch.

[Sean Patton]

That was. That was a. That was a big go to back in back. If someone. Yeah, someone was going too hard to give him a Zanbar.

[Bobby Kelly]

But I wasn't going too hard. I said, I wasn't like, yeah, going to those bad space. I just. Literally, I was just bummed I was just sitting there watching TV for, like, on the couch. Bummed. Yeah.

[Sean Patton]

That was like an epidemic in the late 90s. I remember early off, people just dosing with the.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's wild.

[Sean Patton]

It'd be like a Visine bottle or shoes. Mainly a sweet breath. Remember sweet breath? Yeah, that's a sweet breath.

[Jacob]

The Colombian. Like a Visine bottle. Yeah.

[Sean Patton]

Just. And just throw it into the thing. Like. What the is that?

[Bobby Kelly]

I remember people dosing people with Visine in their drinks and apparently it makes them their pants.

[Jacob]

That's hilarious.

[Sean Patton]

Yeah. Yeah. Saline. Saline solution.

[Jacob]

We should do that to Lewis, make him his pants.

[Bobby Kelly]

Him.

[Jacob]

His pants.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm in.

[Sean Patton]

Now that we have. Now that we have verbal recording of it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, my Lord. It's okay. They can't trace this back. Yeah. Sean Patton is going to be at wit's end in Charleston, South Carolina, this weekend, December 4th through the 6th. That's Thursday through Saturday. Yes, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. For tickets go to witsendcharleston.com that's witsendcharleston dot com for tickets, go see Sean. He's absolutely fucking hilarious.

[Sean Patton]

Thank you.

[Jacob]

Don't forget to go to our. Help us help the hungry right now. Help Sirius XM in the fight to end hunger and support why Hunger's annual hunger Thon. Donate drive. Donation drive to go to. Go to Sirius.com don't move it/ hungerthon to see the items you can bid on and one of the items you should be bidding on. The only item, the only is coming live on this show. You're gonna get so many extras. None of the shows are giving extras. We're gonna be given extras. You get to sit in on the show.

[Bobby Kelly]

Peter north will come on your face.

[Jacob]

Or one of us is gonna try to come like Peter north on your face.

[Sean Patton]

Bobby will make you a mifiliti.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I was gonna make a mufflingo. I'm gonna. I'm gonna give you. I'm go like Peter north, except it's just barely your chin a little.

[Jacob]

Jacob's gonna sit on your lap and you can use him as a puppet for the whole show.

[Bobby Kelly]

All these things are going to happen if you. If you bid to come in here on the bonfire. We have to win this thing. Bobby. This weekend is gonna be. And Uncle Vinny's in Point Pleasant, New Jersey. That's Friday and Saturday. I'm gonna be in Omaha this Friday and Saturday. Come see me and wheel. Well, I'm gonna do another live stream.

[Jacob]

I'm not gonna be next week.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're not here next week.

[Jacob]

No, I'm going to Canada, so that's right.

[Bobby Kelly]

So enjoy the pre record. We got some guest hosts next week, then you're back, then I'm back, then you're back and then we before our break. So we get one more week before.

[Jacob]

And we have the actual Village Underground show. So make sure you get your tickets now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh yes. Live Bonfire comedyceller.com December 16th 7pm is the show. We'll see you guys there. Enjoy the prerecord tomorrow and we'll catch you next week. Until then, crackle crackle. Thank you Sean.

[Mrs. Claus]

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[Sean Patton]

Woohoo.

[Mrs. Claus]

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