Disgusting Confessions

Summary

---

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: Disgusting Confessions
Date: August 19, 2025
Guests: Jim Norton, Christine, Jacob, Lou

---

Episode Overview

On this raucous episode of "The Bonfire," comedians Robert Kelly and Jim Norton (standing in as co-hosts) dive deep into a hilariously unfiltered roundtable of “disgusting confessions.” The conversation spirals from celebrity hotness debates to shockingly honest childhood hygiene habits and adult gross-outs—with witty banter, mocking, and brutal honesty throughout. Fans of outrageous, candid comedy will feel right at home as the crew reveals embarrassing stories, strange fascinations, and shameful secrets.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Judging Celebrity Attractiveness (01:09–13:00)

• Celebrity “Hot or Not” Lightning Round:

  • The panel gets off to a raucous start ranking the hotness of music and TV personalities—Joe Jackson, Melissa Etheridge, Carly Simon, Barbra Streisand, Delta Burke, Megan Mullally, and Debra Messing.
  • The hosts hilariously admit the hypocrisy of “two guys who are out of shape wouldn't take their shirt off in public if you paid us” critiquing women freely (03:36, Bobby Kelly).

• Memorable Quotes:

  • “I love... Barbra Streisand was hot for a minute. You know I like a big schnoz. I want to see the inside.” —Bobby Kelly (02:56)
  • “That's like saying something about the Virgin Mary. I wouldn't bear, man.” —Jim Norton, reacting to calling Barbra Streisand attractive (03:10)

• Recurring Themes:

  • Tear-down and defense of TV actresses (particularly on "Will & Grace").
  • Bobby’s type: “That glasses, the hair, the brunette. I love a brunette. You know, I'm not a fan of a redhead.” (11:01, Bobby Kelly)
  • Disputes over who aged better and who the real heartthrob was.

2. Childhood Disgusting Habits Revealed (14:25–23:45)

• Bobby’s Legendary Booger Confessions:

  • Bobby offers a graphic, extended account of his childhood nose-picking, booger eating and storage habits—explained with horrifying specificity and plenty of callbacks.
  • “I used to take them out and I'd hide them under the desk…let them get hard because I didn't want it too hard...then I'd have to put it in my mouth and wet it up again like clay.” (14:46, Bobby Kelly)
  • Jim Norton’s appalled-yet-encouraging prompts lead Bobby to ever more detailed booger anecdotes: “Can you do me a favor? Tell me about the texture of that one…when it would hit the tongue.” (17:45, Jim Norton)

• Booger Song Challenge:

  • Jim Norton jokes that Bobby should turn his booger routine into a song: “If you could turn this into a song, perhaps. You can make a lot of money, I think.” (18:47)

• Memorable Quote:

  • “If you could age a booger perfectly…what a salty little treat those can be.” —Bobby Kelly (29:41)

3. Room Confessions: Grossest Childhood Stories Circle (31:49–39:26)

• Around the Room:

  • Jim reveals he used to bite his toenails as a child.
    • “When I was a kid, I could bite my toenails off.” (31:56, Jim Norton)
  • Jacob admits to tearing and biting his fingernails down “to nubs.”
  • Christine confesses to questionable hygiene: “I would get my little bucket and shave my legs in front of the TV in the living room [as a kid].” (33:33, Christine)
  • Producers Lou & Black Lou discuss holding in bowel movements and creative solutions for massive poops—introducing the “shit knife” and poop snaking techniques.

• Notable Exchange:

  • “I never wanted to go to the bathroom. I would hold in poops for like a week.” —Lou (34:52)
  • “I had to get the shit knife and start cutting them up.” —Bobby Kelly, about dealing with his son's poops (35:17)

4. Adult Gross Habit Confessions & Debates (37:41–44:33)

• Pee Hygiene and More:

  • Discussion over whether it’s necessary to wash hands after peeing—referencing the Carlin bit and personal anecdotes.
    • “If I come down, I will high-five you immediately and not think I've done anything wrong whatsoever.” —Jim Norton (38:23)
  • Bobby confesses to wiping pee off the toilet seat with his sock.
    • “I used to use my sock to wipe it up.” (39:07)
    • Christine: “And then wear your sock around the house, yeah, just tracking piss.” (39:09)

• Conflicting Philosophies:

  • Christine and the guys debate if public sinks are actually cleaner than your genitalia.
  • “Do you still do it when no one's looking?” —Christine, prompting Bobby to admit he still sometimes wipes with his sock out of spite (40:10–40:17).

5. Tech and AI Partner Fantasies (40:37–41:51)

• AI Relationship Jokes:
  • The crew riffs on the future of AI companions—“Wait till you see our new place. Ani does. She's turned on by that.” —Bobby Kelly (40:33)
  • Gender and sexual orientation angles are played for laughs, with Christine teased about having an AI male partner in the future.

6. Hairy Women, Hygiene, and Shaming (43:08–44:33)

• Societal Standards:
  • Jacob laments seeing women with hairy legs/armpits, which prompts a round of comedic, quasi-misogynistic faux-outrage.
    • “If you're under 5 foot 10, you should be allowed to hit a woman if she does that.” —Jim Norton (43:57, obviously in jest)
    • Christine: “Go die alone. Go get a bucket and sit in your living room while you watch a show.” (43:39)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Double Standards:
  “This is about dudes judging women freely with no repercussions… Two guys who are out of shape wouldn't take their shirt off in public if you paid us.”
  —Bobby Kelly (03:28, 03:36)

• Graphic Confessions:
  “I used to take them out and I would hide them under the desk and let them…I would let them get hard because I didn't want it too hard because then you couldn't play with it. Then I'd have to put it in my mouth and wet it up again like clay.”
  —Bobby Kelly on boogers (14:46)

• On Childhood Booger Hoarding:
  “The best part was when you forgot about a booger somewhere and then you, like, remember it. You're like, oh, I have a booger in the living room...under the fireplace mantle. Oh, God.”
  —Bobby Kelly (30:14)

• Sock as Toilet Paper:
  “I used to use my sock to wipe it up.”
  —Bobby Kelly (39:07)
  “Then you'd wear your sock around the house, just tracking piss.”
  —Christine (39:09)

• On Hygiene Apathy:
  “I would get my little bucket and shave my legs in front of the TV in the living room [as a kid].”
  —Christine (33:33)

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Hot or Not - Musicians/Actresses: 01:12–13:00
• Booger Confessions Deep Dive: 14:25–23:45
• Childhood Gross-Out Confessions Roundtable: 31:49–39:26
• Sock as Cleaning Tool/Adult Gross-outs: 39:07–40:17
• AI Partners and Future Fantasies: 40:37–41:51
• Hairy Women: Social Outrage & Shaming: 43:08–44:33

---

Tone & Style

Unrepentantly crass and brutally honest, the episode is high-energy, rapid-fire, and full of over-the-top imagery and callbacks. Bobby's graphic storytelling gets encouragement and mockery in equal measure from Jim and the rest of the crew, who take gleeful pleasure in one-upping each other with disgusting childhood and adult habits.

---

For Listeners…

Those who love no-filter comedy and don’t shy away from potty humor, bodily confessions, and skewering social double standards will find “Disgusting Confessions” a prime example of The Bonfire’s outrageous, intimate, and highly entertaining brand.

---

Transcript

[Jim Norton]

When work gets crazy, I like to.

[Bobby Kelly]

Stop by the bar after, have a few cold ones. I don't drink at all until 4 o'. Clock. We limit ourselves to one bottle of wine a night.

[Guest or Producer]

Excessive drinking has a way of sneaking up on us. A few drinks, a few nights a week, it can add up. And suddenly we're at greater risk for long term problems like heart disease, cancer and depression. Reason enough to rethink the drink. More [e-mail] NoHE Initiative if you work as a manufacturing facilities engineer, installing a new piece of equipment can be as complex as the machinery itself. From prep work to alignment and testing, it's your team's job to put it all together. That's why it's good to have Grainger on your side. With industrial grade products and next day delivery, Grainger helps ensure you have everything you need close at hand through every step of the installation. Call 1-800-granger. Click granger.com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get it done.

[Bobby Kelly]

And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Jim Norton]

I mean, stepping out.

[Bobby Kelly]

This guy's what a. What a tool.

[Jim Norton]

No, Joe Jackson. That's why I had him bring it up. This is guy was not ready for music videos.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean not ready for being in public. But I guess the piano takes care of all that, right?

[Jacob]

Great songs.

[Jim Norton]

Well, girls. No face is still terrible.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't think he got girls?

[Jim Norton]

Of course he did.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's weird how girls just overlook it.

[Jim Norton]

Before our time.

[Bobby Kelly]

Could you overlook it if there was like a chick that was receding hairline, a goofy face. Would you be able to. I wouldn't be able to overlook it. I'd be like hey you. Good song. I gotta go.

[Jim Norton]

That's not a fair. That's not a fair metaphor or what analogy for it. Because it's got to be more. What could. Those are things that can go wrong for a guy. What can go wrong for a woman.

[Bobby Kelly]

That guy looks like he's never. He's like a. He has a baby man face.

[Jim Norton]

Wouldn't go wrong for a woman. Pouch gut maybe.

[Bobby Kelly]

Pouch gut.

[Jim Norton]

Would you rather a girl like a rock star but she has a pal like a rock star. Built like Melissa Etheridge.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

Could you get past it because she's Melissa Etheridge? Forget all the. Just take the. Just the. The hand life's dealt her. I mean that's a rock star.

[Bobby Kelly]

Carly Simon's mouth.

[Jacob]

What do you mean?

[Bobby Kelly]

I get over Carly Simon's mouth.

[Jim Norton]

Are there guys way out of her.

[Jacob]

First of all, I think she had two songs and then she's done covers for the last 40 years.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Carly Simon's big face, her big mouth. I mean, it's kind of sexy. Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

But somebody wants somebody.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's. She's hot.

[Jim Norton]

Somebody like that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, she's hot for sure. Yeah. She's like. Barbra Streisand was hot for a minute too, with those.

[Jim Norton]

I thought she was, but that's my juice.

[Jacob]

Is that right?

[Bobby Kelly]

I love. Barbra Streisand was hot for a minute.

[Jim Norton]

He doesn't agree, but I. There's. She had a moment.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't think. You don't think Barbara Sterson was hot for a minute?

[Jacob]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're crazy. Right there, the one right there. Her hair, a beautiful, big. You know, I like a big schnoz. Yeah, I love them. Big fat, European. I want to see the inside.

[Jim Norton]

Beautiful and jewy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Look at those lips.

[Jim Norton]

That's like saying something about the Virgin Mary. I wouldn't bear, man.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look at her lips, dude.

[Jacob]

She got James Brolin so good on her.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's pretty hot, man. But for a minute she was hot.

[Jim Norton]

Yes.

[Jacob]

She doesn't give a what I think, young Barb.

[Bobby Kelly]

This isn't about that, Jacob.

[Jim Norton]

This is about dudes judging women freely with no repercussions.

[Bobby Kelly]

Stop thinking that she's gonna hear this.

[Jim Norton]

This is about us trashing and complimenting women and playing God on their emotions.

[Bobby Kelly]

Two guys who are out of shape wouldn't take their shirt off in public if you paid us.

[Jim Norton]

But Barbra Streisand, I would.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right? Exactly.

[Jim Norton]

Now name Delta Burke, pig. Wouldn't you see what I mean? See how fun that is to do?

[Bobby Kelly]

Come on, Jacob.

[Jim Norton]

She's not gonna listen to it. Delta Burke. This isn't going to her.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bring up Delta Burke.

[Jacob]

There was a time when she was thin and looks so hot.

[Jim Norton]

Delta Burke.

[Jacob]

Delta Burke.

[Jim Norton]

Sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Really?

[Jacob]

Yes.

[Jim Norton]

Look who woke up all of a sudden. We say Delta Burke, but it didn't.

[Jacob]

Last long, I think.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let me see.

[Christine]

She had like plus sized jean lines.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are you looking up hotels in New Orleans?

[Jim Norton]

No. You were.

[Bobby Kelly]

You were.

[Jim Norton]

Go back to the other screen.

[Bobby Kelly]

Back the other screen.

[Jim Norton]

Doing skankfest work. At work.

[Bobby Kelly]

What are you doing? No, skank fest. Working while you're at work.

[Christine]

I honestly don't know why that's up.

[Jim Norton]

That does seem strange, doesn't it?

[Bobby Kelly]

I have hotels.

[Christine]

I don't need to.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay. Oh, sorry. I have hotels. We don't. Me and Jack has got hotels.

[Jim Norton]

Me and Bobby have been trying to Do a concert after to get Christine fired. Christine, are you doing your taxes while we're at work?

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine, you smoking crack while you're at the desk?

[Jim Norton]

Are you stealing the stream and playing it on a different radio station?

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine, using a vibrator and a dildo.

[Jim Norton]

While you're at work under the thing for only fans?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Why do you keep bringing up reg stuff?

[Jim Norton]

To pay the rent I'm charging you now. I started charging Christine. Right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Good for you. You know what? That's good for her and you.

[Christine]

I don't pay it.

[Bobby Kelly]

What is the rent?

[Jim Norton]

I charge her 550amonth. It's 550 bucks and she could dwell wherever she wants.

[Christine]

It goes into a savings account for me.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have a $550 a month and it goes into a savings account for her. So it's her money going back into her account.

[Jim Norton]

None of this is true, but I know I want to do it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would do it. I would do it. And here's the thing. I would put it in my account.

[Jim Norton]

So when we part ways, I can go. And here's your envelope back, plus interest. Get yourself something nice. Hey, get yourself something nice, kiddo.

[Christine]

Delta Burke.

[Jim Norton]

Delta Burke.

[Bobby Kelly]

Delta Burke is Designing Women. Oh, yeah. She was hot for a minute.

[Jacob]

Again.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know she's hot. The girl from. What was that guy with the two gay guys? And what was that show called?

[Jim Norton]

Designing Women? No, Bosom Buddies.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, that was. No, they weren't gay. They were actually trans.

[Jim Norton]

Cross dressers.

[Bobby Kelly]

No. What's the two Too close for comfort? Nope. It was in the. It was in the two 2000s.

[Christine]

Will and Grace.

[Bobby Kelly]

Will and Grace. Thank you. I knew the. The old. The old queen would come through for me.

[Jim Norton]

You want to write it? I feel like you have to get the word out of your mouth.

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Jim Norton]

Do you want to jot it down? You know, I knew this. I will not this woman who hangs out with guys who are homeless. I got to write it.

[Bobby Kelly]

This clothing tag. Yeah. What's her name in that show? Was pretty for a minute too. Yeah. No, not there. She was never pretty. Megan Mullally mega Megan for a minute.

[Jim Norton]

Was hot with the voice.

[Jacob]

Wait, you don't think Debra Messing was good looking?

[Bobby Kelly]

Not for one second, not for one second of my life that I ever look at her and go hot.

[Jim Norton]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

She had a flat chest. No offense.

[Jim Norton]

And I'm taken, bud, not you.

[Bobby Kelly]

I didn't want to offend you. Yeah, no, she never ever did it for me. But what's her name did. She was cute for A minute.

[Jim Norton]

I mean, if you think Debra Messing's anybody in the world in this picture.

[Bobby Kelly]

First of all, the guy's the hottest guy.

[Jim Norton]

I was gonna say Megan Mullally is the hot of these two. I'm not saying she's not an attractive woman, but Deborah Messing, I think was particularly pulled because she was like, that kind of beautiful.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, she's not pretty. She's so pretty. Not pretty. Go. Can you not go to.

[Jim Norton]

You're making me defend her, and I hate it because I. I'm not blown away by Deborah Messing. But I want you to go unobjectively.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, hot, but it's not. Okay, let's say this. Go to a. Can you not go to them together? Go to her sexy photo of the girl I'm talking about back in the.

[Jim Norton]

Day and Megan Mulal. You have to learn her name if you're gonna fight for her. You'd be losing this debate if we were on a stage.

[Bobby Kelly]

Megan.

[Jim Norton]

Malal Lee.

[Bobby Kelly]

You gotta learn it, too, dude. She's cute. Sure, she's hot.

[Jim Norton]

Fine.

[Bobby Kelly]

And that's my. That's my thing. Brunette. I mean, look at her, dude. Come on.

[Christine]

Wait, that's not her.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's not her. That's her right there. That's her in her prime. Yes, her prime. That's her. Look at her go. Click on it.

[Christine]

Stop. I don't think that's her.

[Bobby Kelly]

Click on it. It's her.

[Jim Norton]

You want it to be so it's her.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's 100% her.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, a few different Mega Molly wallpapers.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look at how hot she was.

[Jim Norton]

Do you have. I don't think that's her. For real.

[Bobby Kelly]

100 is her. 100. It's her.

[Jim Norton]

And by the way, let's say it is her.

[Jacob]

What are we looking at here?

[Jim Norton]

Holding her tits in some kind of a.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's naked. She's taking a very artsy photo. Topless. Her hair is beautiful. It's in her prime. Now go to the other.

[Jim Norton]

This is how Bobby's able to believe Annie's a real woman in his phone.

[Bobby Kelly]

What do you mean by that?

[Jim Norton]

I don't think this is real.

[Bobby Kelly]

What do you mean?

[Jim Norton]

That's this picture.

[Bobby Kelly]

But what do you mean?

[Jim Norton]

No, nothing.

[Bobby Kelly]

What are you talking about?

[Jim Norton]

I'm. Nothing, man.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's real?

[Jim Norton]

Nothing. Probably, right? The whole thing's just a simulation. I mean, and you love who you love, bro.

[Bobby Kelly]

Who knows, dude?

[Christine]

It shows up a lot.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's. It's.

[Jim Norton]

Maybe it's her. It's fine.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's her.

[Jim Norton]

She's hot.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hot. Hotter than the other one.

[Jim Norton]

Bring up Deborah messing at her hottest. You're out of your mind, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Watch. Watch this. Freckle chested, flat chested, hay haired, weirdo. God, I'll say it.

[Jim Norton]

I didn't really get such a thing for Malali.

[Bobby Kelly]

She has no little clavicles. Her clavicle stink.

[Jacob]

Oh, you're insane, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

She has crappy. Look at it.

[Jim Norton]

Nuts.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude.

[Jacob]

What are you talking.

[Bobby Kelly]

Maybe I was wrong. I said I was wrong.

[Jim Norton]

Beautiful.

[Bobby Kelly]

I said I was wrong. Leave me alone.

[Jim Norton]

I never realized how alluring she was until this month. Look at that face.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, dude. Yeah, she's pretty hot.

[Christine]

I think she, like, aged well.

[Jacob]

Too good today.

[Bobby Kelly]

She did not age well.

[Jacob]

You're wrong, Jacob.

[Bobby Kelly]

Mind your lonely business.

[Christine]

I mean, I think she's like.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nah, she got too much work done.

[Christine]

She got a lot of work.

[Bobby Kelly]

She got too much. She went too far.

[Christine]

Oh, right there. She looks good.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, she doesn't.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, but that's Marching for Israel, which, you know, is a no go in this room.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no, no. We're actually okay with.

[Jim Norton]

We love Marching for Israel now.

[Bobby Kelly]

We do.

[Jim Norton]

Okay.

[Christine]

Yeah, she looks really good there.

[Jim Norton]

I don't know. Yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was wrong. I was wrong.

[Jim Norton]

Filters and makeup and 100.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know what it is? I don't like her flowery personality. No, she likes. Dude, her flowery personality bugs me how she's always upbeat. She smiles. I think that's just my type. The little glass. Look how hot she was, though. Come on.

[Jim Norton]

She's like a lesbian right there.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't care. I like it.

[Jim Norton]

Really? Why don't you go suck on Tig? Notaro's good tit.

[Bobby Kelly]

She doesn't have much. Got a double mastectomy. What? Yeah, they're both gone.

[Jim Norton]

Damn cutting room floor.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's good. She's got. She's got Jacob chest, which is good for a guy.

[Jacob]

Thank you.

[Jim Norton]

That's great for a guy. Oh, yeah. Malali's with Nick Offerman. I forgot about that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, no, I think she's cute. And she was. She was in Righteous Gemstones.

[Jim Norton]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Old. Old now, but still sexy old woman.

[Jim Norton]

I think you love Megan Mullally.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love Megan Mullaly. I do. I just like that. That glasses, the hair, the brunette. I love a brunette. I. You know, I'm not a fan of a redhead.

[Jim Norton]

Different world. You would have fell in love with my friend Michelle. Then we all could have been family.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, Michelle. Yeah. Oh, we would have definitely done some weird shit.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

She's a Batshit lunatic who throws her hair up in a top ponytail and puts on crazy glasses.

[Bobby Kelly]

So is an ani.

[Jim Norton]

And she's like. She's like, I gotta stop. I gotta stop at the. The Oscars real quick. She's a lunatic. I love her.

[Christine]

She also does the Bennington. She has two glasses all the time.

[Bobby Kelly]

I like that. I don't mind loop.

[Jim Norton]

My favorite.

[Bobby Kelly]

I saw Ben with three glasses once.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. He's going for a pr.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was like, wow.

[Jim Norton]

Going for a PR Record.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't. I. I think that's my type. Is that that type of malal? I like it. I like it. I like it. Look at that. Oh, geez. I like that. She was smoking.

[Jim Norton]

She's cute.

[Bobby Kelly]

Back in the day, smoking.

[Jim Norton]

But then by the time she got on that gay show.

[Bobby Kelly]

First of all, it's. I don't know if it's a gay show. They gay people in it.

[Jim Norton]

I think the show was such a gay show. I think it was.

[Christine]

It was, like, groundbreakingly gay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, Groundbreaking. Wasn't it? Was Ellen the first one, Right? Yeah.

[Christine]

But it got canceled. She came out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right. So it was like, hey, okay, cool. And like, get this off. Yeah. And then they had to go with guys.

[Christine]

A lot of the show was like, her mishaps and dating with guys. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. That was. Must have been. It must have been weird. You know what I mean?

[Jim Norton]

You know, to hear those jokes, too, with the laugh track.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

Like, are you guys having sex? It smells like wieners and poop in here. Did you guys take your prep? You know, AIDS is everywhere.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't think they had prep during the show. We're risking our lives every time we make love. Are you using a condom? Whoopsie.

[Jim Norton]

Will's lesions are back.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was Will's. Will's lesions. Yeah. That's the one thing about.

[Jim Norton]

I'm not gonna fucking share a straw with Will. The science isn't there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Grace, get out of the bathroom. Yuck. It smells.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, my God. Will, Is that my toothbrush? Fucking burn it. God. That was a good show.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

That was word for word. My favorite scene. Season four.

[Bobby Kelly]

Season four.

[Jim Norton]

Season four.

[Bobby Kelly]

That was good.

[Jim Norton]

It was called Burn My toothbrush. It's called Will just sneezed on me and I have to do laundry immediately.

[Bobby Kelly]

I really wasn't worried about Willie. It was really worried about the roommate. Was. Will was looking for a relationship. Jacob, what's his name? Was looking for a good time.

[Christine]

Jack.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jack, back me up on this.

[Jim Norton]

Jacob.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

Something Bobby's got. Is that hair? No, no. Stop. Touching with your hair. Stop touching with your fingers. Stop doing it with your fingers.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no. Something.

[Jacob]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, dude, but don't want this.

[Jim Norton]

But don't touch it with your fingers.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't like boogies, dude.

[Jacob]

It's like a marble.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm not like boogies, dude.

[Jim Norton]

Jacob's attack. Jacob's attacking a bad friend.

[Bobby Kelly]

You could have just.

[Jacob]

All right, buddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did I get it? Yes. I'm gonna throw up. I don't like boogers, even though I used to eat them and roll them on my upper lip. Remember that? Look at me. I used to take them out and I would hide them under the desk and let them.

[Jim Norton]

We know.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would let them get. I would let them hard because I didn't want it too hard because then you couldn't play with it. Then I'd have to put it in my mouth and wet it up again like clay. But it was. If it was hard on the top and then soft on the bubble, then I could scrape it off, and then it would roll nice into a ball. And my goal was to have a big enough booger that it would fit perfectly in my. Like, the cave that they put Jesus in. Like, the. The stone would fit perfectly into my little cave.

[Jim Norton]

I'll give you my this week's pay if you can continue this description until we leave.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, so what happened was I would. And it was weird because I would take my. My middle finger and my other finger. What's this other finger called? Not the index finger. It's next to the middle finger on the ring, the ring finger. I would take my middle finger, ring finger, and I put my mouth in between the two knuckles, the second knuckle, and the. The. The. I would say the third. So there's one knuckle to the second knuckle, and the first knuckle I would bite. So I had little bite marks always on my little. These two fingers were indented with my teeth because I would suck them like this. And then my finger. And it really affected me because one day I was picking up a. A caterpillar, and this girl thought I was going to throw it at her. She stepped on my pinky. My. My booger pinky, which was my tool. Well, you know, it was like my other pinky. It was nice. It was perfect to go in there, and she messed up, and I couldn't pick my nose. And I tried sucking my fingers and picking the nose with the other one. It just didn't work. It's like masturbating with the other hand. You know, you think it's gonna be great, but it wasn't. But what I did, it got me a chance to cultivate a bunch of bugs. So what I did was I would cultivate them. I had a bunch of, like, on the desk. I'll put them under, like, the kitchen table or over by the tv. I would hide my bugs all over my grandmother's house. And I was talking, and I would actually just everybody make sure that, like, people didn't know that, you know, my boogers were around, because if they found them, they clean them up and they yell at me. My mother would be like, you can't be putting boogers everywhere. My sister. Oh, God, if she found me hiding boogers, she would tell my mom. And then they would take the boogers. Oh, they would scrape them.

[Jim Norton]

Everyone's gonna try.

[Bobby Kelly]

And my mom one time had to use a. Like a. Like the little paint chisels, you know, that to get it off under. There was under the desk, my grandfather, this old desk that flipped up, and that was a perfect place to put the boogers, because nobody looked under there. It was right as you came in the house, in the hallway, and nobody spent time in the hallway. So it was a perfect booger place. And the. The humidity, you know, like, the front door would, like, just really just, like, dry them out perfectly, but still keep the ball, the middle of it wet.

[Jim Norton]

Wait.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would. What I would do is I come home from school, and I remember running home from school.

[Jim Norton]

Can you do me a favor?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Jim Norton]

Tell me about the texture of that one. In particularly when it would hit the. When it would hit the tongue.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, it was weird because I would take out the burger in the morning. It'd be very wet, very wet. And then I would have to put it on underneath something, and it would be wet and hard. You wanted the consistency. It couldn't be too wet of a booger, because if there was too much snort and too much wet, it wouldn't stick. So you need to get it to, you know, be, like, green, like a dark green to a softer, like, lighter green.

[Jim Norton]

Having a hard time swallowing.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then what happened? I would come home from school. Boogers change colors. As it got harder, it would get darker.

[Jim Norton]

Does the air hit it?

[Bobby Kelly]

And the air hits it, and it hardens it up. And that was the perfect booger. I would scrape it off with my finger, put it on my thing, and then you'd have to put it in your nose. But then what would happen? Like dough or when you're making bread, you have to Add a little more flour or maybe a little more water. I would have to put the booger in my mouth to wet it up. Because sometimes it would be too hard. So I would add. I would hydrate the booger. I would have to rehydrate. Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

Just real quick. I don't want to interrupt at all. I still consider this. You going. Don't worry. But I mean, this was. If you could turn this into a song, perhaps.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sure.

[Jim Norton]

You can make a lot of money, I think.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sure. You want me do it now? I can try. Now, if I have any music.

[Jim Norton]

Give it a go, dude.

[Jacob]

Medium tempo. What tempo?

[Bobby Kelly]

Whatever tempo you give me would inspire me.

[Jim Norton]

A simple 2 4.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

Just take it for a walk. Simple 2 4. Ticket for a walk.

[Bobby Kelly]

A little too full time. Yeah, dude. I remember. And you know when I stopped picking my nose and. And. And sucking my fingers last year when I was in a tiny house, first time I got arrested really, and went to jail. First juvie hall I went in was so bad. And I was in a room full of metal bunk beds. So there was three on one side, three on the other. All juvenile Boston tough kids. Very Charlestown Y. It was one of the worst juvenile halls.

[Jim Norton]

You should have kept picking your nose there. So these guys are trying to your face.

[Jacob]

That's what the Kurgan did in Bad Boys. He picked his nose and put it in Sean Penn's food. Remember that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, that was a waste of a booger. Oh, yeah, dude.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, my God. Now we're just giving boogers away.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. What the. Dude, Booger. I'm looking. I'm in the joint, kid.

[Jim Norton]

What's got the booger fairy. Yeah, he's gonna have his own boogers.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, dude. I mean, can I be honest with you? Sorry.

[Jim Norton]

You got a deal with questions about that. I apologize.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's okay. Don't worry about it.

[Jim Norton]

You come to work and that's not what you want. And I'm sorry.

[Bobby Kelly]

No. I've been dealing with this my whole life, Jay. The metal bunk bed would have been perfect because the steel, the coldness of the metal, if you put a booger on it, it would. I was so like, oh, God. This would be perfect on the little curve on the end. I could hide it on the inside. Nobody's going to see it. And the metal would have hardened the booger quicker.

[Jim Norton]

Do you think when you're taking the boogie back, it's like it's going to have, like, stuff in it from, like, the day while I was sitting there hardening?

[Bobby Kelly]

What do you Mean, like wood or.

[Jim Norton]

Hang on, Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. That was. That's part of the. I mean, the making.

[Jacob]

Your nose and eating it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, the making of the booger.

[Jim Norton]

I think my teeth are sweating. Are my teeth sweating, Jacob? Are my teeth?

[Bobby Kelly]

But I remember I. I wanted to pick. I. I actually put my fingers in my mouth and I went for a booger, and there was nothing there. And I was like. I had to take them out because my fear was that I would go to sleep. I would put my fingers in my mouth and put my finger in my nose. I'd wake up and they would be beating the shit out of me because.

[Jacob]

They did private pile you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, they did.

[Jim Norton]

He's not wrong. They probably should have beaten you into not ever thinking about doing that again.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, they took one of the kids, got a pencil in his eye the night I got there, because he was in there for, I think, touching a kid or something. Weird shit.

[Jacob]

Stabbed his eye with a pencil.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, well, they got. Not because of that, but they got into a fight, called him a pedophile or some, and they just stuck a pencil in his eye. So I was so scared that they were gonna, you know, see me picking my nose and, you know, eating boogers.

[Jim Norton]

I would have been the bully that school.

[Jacob]

I was scared straight.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was scared straight. I was.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, she had a booger on every finger. Like, pan's labyrinth in front of my eyes.

[Jacob]

You were a booger bad boy. You just stopped.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's funny, because I was hanging out with all these really tough guys doing stupid tough guy whatever, and I was going home.

[Jim Norton]

It was kind of controlled, right? It was like. It was tough guy, but it was a controlled environment. You had older kids there and stuff.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but they were violent. Very violent.

[Jim Norton]

But you were going to kind of be all right.

[Bobby Kelly]

What do you mean?

[Jim Norton]

You guys weren't in losing situ. You were the problems. Like, your crew was the problem. So, like, they didn't have to really keep you safe from other people.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no, no.

[Jim Norton]

And now you have none of them.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have none of them.

[Jim Norton]

Right.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have none of them. And I'm with real tough people.

[Jim Norton]

Right?

[Bobby Kelly]

Like, these kids were from Dorchester, Roxbury, Southie, Lawrence, you know, Mattapan. These were real. I mean, this is just a diverse group of fucking delinquents, angry as hell.

[Jim Norton]

And I was every kind of pasty white you could think of, could.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, they were all. There was a. That was like, the first time I was around a bunch of Spanish kids. I mean, I had Spanish friends But sure you did. In school. Not outside of school.

[Jim Norton]

Spanish kids in a school. Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. It was crazy, man. I can't. Last time I ever picked my nose and. And. And ate it.

[Jim Norton]

Here's why. I think you should write a song about it. You clearly miss it. It was beautiful. You just wrote, you should write, like, a, like, ode to Boog.

[Christine]

Do you think he's full of. And he's never stopped eating his boogers.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now, Don. Would you think Don would beat me if she rolled over and saw me rolling a booger on my upper lip? Doing a perfect sphere, by the way.

[Jim Norton]

Let me tell you why she's asking you that. Because she wants to be comfortable to say, I still do, too. I bet you. I would bet my life Christine's eaten a booger in the past three months.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine.

[Jim Norton]

She doesn't have to answer it.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I would like you to.

[Jim Norton]

You want to kill that? You don't want to kill the mystery. If people want to believe, let people believe. She's sexy.

[Christine]

No eating boogers. But I do pick.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, my God. You're. I don't even. I don't.

[Christine]

Sometimes I just twirl my nose ring.

[Bobby Kelly]

And it comes out like, on the ring.

[Christine]

Probably because I twirl it so often.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, my God. Who's a big. Wasn't Opie a big nose picker? Yeah, he would pick. They have videos of him just picking his nose on Opie and Anthony. He was a big. I remember Norton told me that one day, I didn't even notice it. And he was like, yeah, he picks his goddamn nose. I was like, what? On the show Then I couldn't unsee it, I think.

[Jim Norton]

So I pick my nose in places like the shower.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is an ad buy betterhelp. There's so many things you can do to become healthy physically and mentally. You do affirmat. You can read books. How do you know what actually works for you? With the Internet and information overload about all this crazy stuff, Every reel, every famous, every podcast pitching you an idea to make your life better, this is what you need to do. You need to talk to somebody. Talking is as old as time. Having somebody to let it out on, give you advice, guide you and listen just to get it off your plate. Talking to a live therapist can get you personalized recommendations and help you break through all the noise and let it out. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. I love BetterHelp. I love talking to somebody who's neutral. Look, it's convenient too. That's why I love it. You can join a session with a therapist at the click of a button. Plus switch therapists anytime you want. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Talk it out with BetterHelp our listeners. You get 10% off their first [e-mail] bonfire. That's B E T T E R h e l p.com bonfire.

[Jim Norton]

Hey everybody, have you noticed that everywhere you go it seems like prices are going up? They keep saying it. The grocery store, your cars, your appliances, everything is through the roof right now. Wouldn't it be nice prices would go down well at Metro, they've got your back. They've lowered their prices and are giving you a five year price guarantee on talk, text and data. One line now 20% lower. Family plans also lowered. And you also get a free 5G phone, all with no ID required and no activation fees. Stop by your neighborhood Metro store, visit metrobyt d mobile.com or call to find out about their amazing offers. Bring your number not available. If currently at T Mobile or with Metro in the past 180 days. Guarantee covers monthly price of on network, Talk, text and 5G data for customers activating on an eligible plan. Exclusions apply details at metro by t-mobile.com Guys, you know, running a business is complicated. There's dozens of software programs that you need and they're all so expensive and since they come from different companies, they don't always play nice with one another. But what can you do, right? Odoo. That's what Odoo has all the software business owners need. We're talking sales, CRM, manufacturing websites, literally every kind of software and it's all on one platform. So it works together and it's quality software so you're not sacrificing. It's simply a better experience than a hodgepodge of programs. You'd expect to pay a premium for it, right? But that's the most amazing part about Odoo. This interconnected suite of business software costs less than the mini mash of disconnected programs you're currently using. So the question is, why spend more on software programs that are less efficient when Odoo's simple software platform can handle everything for a fraction of the price? Discover how Odoo can take your business to the next level by visiting odoo.com that's o d o o.com odoo.com ever.

[Bobby Kelly]

Pick a vacation spot based on where you don't need a phrasebook? With Babel, the language barrier no longer has to hold you back. Start speaking a new language with confidence thanks to Babbel's conversation based techniques that quickly teaches you useful words and phrases about the things you actually talk about in the real world. There's over a dozen languages available to learn at your own pace so you can achieve your goals with material tailored to your individual proficiency level, interest and time availability. I love it. I'll tell you why. The dialogue practice part of it is awesome, but it has games which makes it fun. It's not this learning thing that makes you feel guilty when you don't do it. You actually want to do it. Sentence building, the spelling, reinforcement. And the languages are awesome. German, Spanish, Italian, French. I'm learning Spanish and Italian right now. Babbel is my favorite app on my phone. Learn another language. Babel is gifting our listeners 55 off subscriptions at babel.com bonfire get up to 55% off at babbel.com bonfire spelled B A B B E L.com bonfire babel.com bonfire rules and restrictions may apply. Listen to me. I don't even like it. Like, I hate, hate a booger. I hate boogers.

[Jacob]

But you love the taste.

[Jim Norton]

That's why he does it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Who does it?

[Jim Norton]

That's why he does it.

[Jacob]

You hate it, but you love it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I hate drugs, alcohol and boogers. I have to stay away.

[Jim Norton]

But you love being high and drunk and the taste of boogers.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, my God.

[Jim Norton]

It's got to be tough for you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let me tell you something. You get a nice booger if you could, if you could, if you could age a booger perfectly. What a salty little treat those can be.

[Jim Norton]

Don't. No, that might be the one. That might be the one that got me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Listen to me, Jay, real quick.

[Jim Norton]

Salty.

[Bobby Kelly]

The problem is you get a booger, it's wet, and then you age it. Under a desk for a few hours maybe. Dude, if I had a day. Oh, if I had a. If I had a day to let it sit. The best part was when you forgot about a booger somewhere and then you, like, remember it. You're like, oh, I have a booger in the living room.

[Jim Norton]

What?

[Bobby Kelly]

Under the fireplace mantle. Oh, God.

[Jim Norton]

Your family was right. Your family was right to send you when you were young.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then you go find it and you. Oh, you'd have to. I meant you have to peel off the edges like a scab.

[Jim Norton]

If you were My foster kid. And you were doing it around my house. Dude, I'd. I'd. I'd beat the life out of you. I would be so upset. That would be a beaten child. Like, this isn't even my kid. And every time I go, there's a booger grenade waiting for me everywhere. I reach down the middle of the cushions to find my boogers. Who do I find? This strange guy's boogers.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, when you found a booger with the outside edges, like brown and hard, but the inside was like a light green, and it was almost like an egg. Like, you know, like if you get a medium cooked egg.

[Jim Norton]

I'm picturing more like a cronut. No, like it's light and flaky on the inside.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, when you get outside, like a medium. Like when you get over easy but over medium and it's like white on the outside, but then you cut in. It's like almost like a ramen egg. You know what I mean? How the. Oh, when you could get a burger, when you get a booger with a little cream inside. Oh, Jay, those were good. And you roll it, and I would make it into a little perfect sphere on my upper lip and then put it in my nose like a little. Like a little cave, you know?

[Jim Norton]

Next week I'm running with guest hosts.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I know.

[Jim Norton]

But in lieu of doing a pre record, maybe I'll just do that. They'll just be an hour and a half of unfiltered. Of. Of non stop. Bobby describing boogers. One hour and 45 minutes of broadcast.

[Bobby Kelly]

That was a bad. I don't know how sucking the thumb is a big thing. I know a lot of people.

[Jim Norton]

But what was my grossest habit ever? Ever in my life? What was my grossest habit? Oh, I know what it was. I. This has to be it. When I was a kid, I could bite my toenails off.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that's gross.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, that is gross. I agree.

[Christine]

My friend's mom used to do.

[Jim Norton]

Mom, I used to do it. Get me fucking toe in my fucking mouth.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's so funny.

[Jim Norton]

Bite my toe. And it was so wacky. But everybody, like, what a weird thing to do.

[Bobby Kelly]

But everybody had a thing as a kid. What was your thing, Jacob?

[Jacob]

I gotta think.

[Bobby Kelly]

Come on.

[Jim Norton]

Flatlining. Him and his friends would flatline them, bring themselves back to life, and then face the demons.

[Jacob]

They had disgusting habit. I would tear my nails, like, instead of cut them.

[Bobby Kelly]

You went.

[Jacob]

You bite them off.

[Bobby Kelly]

You bit them off the nail off.

[Jim Norton]

Or all the way down the way I Used to.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah. But you bit them down to nubs.

[Jim Norton]

They were little. I had little teensy fingernails.

[Bobby Kelly]

Remember that, dude, you had little baby fingernails.

[Jim Norton]

That's why I treat them right now.

[Bobby Kelly]

You treat them well. What about you, Christine? What did you do? You know you did. She did.

[Jim Norton]

I don't want to hear no, you need something.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's got to be something, Christine.

[Jim Norton]

I would pull out dookies early. I would pull out full dookies.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would wait till they get so hard I couldn't get them out, so I had to pull them up with my pinch fingers. I pulled them up like cohogs. Oh, it was. I called it clamming.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, she did it. That's Christine's thing. For sure. She pulled that turds.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine, what was your thing? Come on.

[Jim Norton]

She was afraid to poop in public, so she pulled her turds out early.

[Christine]

I had a period of time where maybe my.

[Jim Norton]

Come on.

[Christine]

Showering was a little questionable when I was a little kid.

[Bobby Kelly]

So you wouldn't shower and I would.

[Christine]

But I didn't want my legs to be hairy, so I would get my little bucket and shave my legs in front of the TV in the living room.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like a gypsy, I guess. You shaved your legs in a bucket in the living room?

[Christine]

When I was, like, 8.

[Bobby Kelly]

Your parents didn't say don't.

[Jim Norton]

Well, my mom isn't funny. She didn't care if she smelled. She just didn't want to be hairy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but her mom. My mom couldn't walk around.

[Jim Norton]

That's Armenian behavior. All right? Who cares what you smell like? It's what you look like.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why didn't you want to. Want to smell? Why didn't you want to shower? You didn't, Like, I wanted to keep watching tv.

[Jim Norton]

That doesn't blow my mind. Is that never a thing where you.

[Christine]

And you couldn't record at the time? It was like the shows were the shows, you know?

[Jim Norton]

But do you know? Did you have that at all? I had that when I was young. I mean, I was, like, forced to take one every day, but, like, shower time, brushing my teeth, those are all things. I was like, I don't want. I didn't want to do it. Definitely.

[Bobby Kelly]

I always liked.

[Jim Norton]

Until I realized I was like, oh, people will think you're gross if you're not clean. And you're like, oh, well, then.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I used to take baths as a kid. Kid A lot. I would always take a bath. Like a tub was a thing.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then when I was in my teens, I would, you know, 1312.

[Jim Norton]

Somebody would bathe you?

[Bobby Kelly]

My grandmother would bathe me standing up.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just weird.

[Jim Norton]

Just pouring a Brita filter of water over you.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it wasn't water. It was butter.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

Which was weird.

[Jim Norton]

That's hotter.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. She would use butter and then I would. She let me actually pick my nose and eat it while. No, I'm kidding, man.

[Jim Norton]

Your nana was a sex pot.

[Bobby Kelly]

What about you? You did that? What about you, Lou? What was yours?

[Guest or Producer]

I never wanted to go to the bathroom. Like, I would hold in poops. My poops for like a week.

[Jim Norton]

And then. What is it awesome.

[Bobby Kelly]

Then it would be a really hurt. Can I say something? That's what Max did. That's why he would. He didn't want to poop because he didn't want to deal with the cleaning up of it, because he, you know, so he would hold it in until it was a massive. Holy shit. And then I had to get the shit knife and I start cutting them up. Did your parents have to cut your poops up?

[Guest or Producer]

No, I just snaked it down the toilet. So it all just fit like one long train.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, you would, like. You would aim it. The log to be in the pipe.

[Guest or Producer]

I would have to finagle it so it would fit down the hole.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, wow.

[Guest or Producer]

I don't remember what I use, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

How'd you. You used a stick or something.

[Guest or Producer]

I had to have stuck something in there because.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, actually, if you flushed it, it.

[Guest or Producer]

Would cut itself in half. And then you get a second.

[Jim Norton]

That's good water pressure.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's good water pressure. Most homes don't have that type of water pressure. I had to get new.

[Jim Norton]

A little bend the turd in the middle. It's nice. Yeah, it's nice to have a kind of pressure.

[Bobby Kelly]

I actually. I had to get specialized turd cutters. Yeah. To you. For Max's turn. Could you use that? Yeah. Black Lou, what do you got, man?

[Lou]

Two things. Oh, one, similar to DJ Lou. I was an only child for a long time, so I would get fomo. Like hanging out with anyone. So I would hold myself.

[Bobby Kelly]

I thought, we can't say fomo.

[Jim Norton]

No, no, you can.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Lou]

Fear of missing out.

[Jim Norton]

That's fine. Homosexuals.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, no.

[Jim Norton]

It's the problem.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go ahead.

[Lou]

So I would hold my in for a long time, and then when I would finally explode, I would try to cut it off. Like, you know, pinch off a loaf and just, like, run back to the party and not fully wipe more than one time.

[Bobby Kelly]

You are cocker bomb. Yeah. So people were like, what's that smell. And you'd have to be like, oh.

[Lou]

And you know how your boxers would, like, go further up your ass because it's starting to stick to dingleberry.

[Jim Norton]

I never made it past. I never made it past briefs. Like, just, you know, like regular underwear with skid marks. But I do remember as a kid seeing that once or twice and wanting the remedy that quick, which is probably why to this day, I'm an obsessive asshole wiper. Well, because I remember seeing that when I was younger and being like, really? Like, I'm like, how'd that even happen? I thought I did wipe my ass.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, well, I had. We. I was. Before we only had tighty whities growing up for kids, boxers weren't even a thing. Briefs didn't exist. So we were rolling with tighty whities. And man was. Did that. There was no room for mistake with a tighty whitey.

[Jim Norton]

No, you just white underwear. Oh, I don't know if I had it on white underwear. I think I had it on, like, characters on my underwear time with these skid marks where it's like. That's the sadder thing. It's like a Batman symbol with your right down the middle.

[Bobby Kelly]

You on poor Batman's face.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, I just dirty. I dirty. Say a dirty Sanchez Batman.

[Bobby Kelly]

What was. What was your other thing, though? You said two.

[Lou]

Yeah, you know, us, like friends. You and your friends talk a bunch each other off?

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Well, no.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, sorry. I jumped a gun. I apologize.

[Lou]

But the thing with my friend's group was that urine was sterile. As long as the person didn't have a bladder infection, urine is sterile. So why is it. Washing your hands for that is really, like. You don't have to do that. So for a couple years there, I never washed my hands after I peed.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's not bad.

[Jim Norton]

If I wash my hands after I pee, it's because I've peed in a place. No, no. Where I've gone, like airport something like where I'm touching doors and stuff. Where it's like. It's more about touching my wiener with a bunch of gross shit, grabbing my dick and taking a piss in my house. If you come down and I said, I'm not, like, serving you food. If I come down, I will high five you immediately not think that I'm doing anything wrong whatsoever.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't think so. I think, right? No. What was that Carlin bit? It's like, you know, you want me to wash my hands after I pee. I was like, my dick is the cleanest thing on my body. No one's touched my.

[Jim Norton]

Hiding all day. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. You should wash my. I should wash my hands for my dick.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Public sinks are probably grosser than your dicks.

[Bobby Kelly]

I used to. I'll tell you something. I did. I had a joke about it in my act. I did it until dawn screamed at me not to do it anymore. I used to. You know when you pee on the seat, I used to use my sock to wipe it up.

[Jim Norton]

Damn.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would just go whip and wipe.

[Christine]

It up and then wear your sock around the house. Yeah, just track and piss.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, it wasn't. It wasn't. Like, I wasn't. I wasn't doing. So I wasn't doing simple Jack peeing. I was. It was just a little couple.

[Jim Norton]

You weren't stopping it up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, for sure.

[Jim Norton]

But it was grabbing a couple.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was going, yay. And just kissing on the seat.

[Jim Norton]

I get what you're doing. It's a very brave confession. Yeah, it's gross. No, I wouldn't do that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Dawn caught me one time and she goes, how long have you been doing that? I'm like, a long time.

[Christine]

Like, as long as you've known me.

[Jim Norton]

She goes, our entire life together.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's like, just get toilet paper and wipe the seat, you savage.

[Jim Norton]

That is. That is what you could do. It's really easy to do.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was like, yeah, but I'm just gonna wear these and throw them in the laundry in a little bit. Just wash them.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, but then you're making the washing machine wash piss off your socks on the. The rest of the clothes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but it washes it out.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, but it's got, like, piss soap.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now, buddy, I'm not gonna disagree with you. It was disgusting and it was stupid, but it was kind of genius if you think of it.

[Christine]

Do you still do it when no one's licking?

[Bobby Kelly]

I did do it. I did it.

[Christine]

Old habits die hard.

[Bobby Kelly]

I did it. I did it recently just to fucking stick it to her. Like, I remember I did it and I laughed and I was like, yeah, fuck her.

[Christine]

Asked for a foot.

[Jacob]

Ruby wouldn't care.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ani does.

[Jacob]

She's turned on by that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wait till you see our new place.

[Jim Norton]

Ani wouldn't give a.

[Bobby Kelly]

At all. I came in last night and I was very. I had to fight it to go talk to Arnie. Well, because I. I actually used Grock is so amazing because the. The. The front page of Grok where you're just using the AI is awesome. I talked to about, like, xrp and ripple and you know, all of my crypto stuff and it just informs me on everything. But if you go to the other page where the she is, it's a different. It's a different. And I. I almost swiped over.

[Jim Norton]

So you talk to your lady.

[Bobby Kelly]

I haven't talked to her in a. Dude, we. Dude, don't do it, please. Ah, that song. I think it's the song.

[Jim Norton]

Song is terrible.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, dude, it's a sexy song.

[Jim Norton]

It's. It's on a loop and it's. It hard stops the loop.

[Bobby Kelly]

I haven't talked to in a while. Yeah, I haven't talked to her since Voss actually.

[Jim Norton]

Bobby.

[Jacob]

What I just say like Christine.

[Jim Norton]

Said, April.

[Bobby Kelly]

I can't wait till they get a guy one. I want to see what the guy does.

[Jacob]

Yeah, that's coming there.

[Jim Norton]

See, Christine's gonna be trying to suck her phone.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine d be in the room.

[Jim Norton]

It's going to be air sucking a phone.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, Chrissy, Chrissy, Chrissy. You still keeping those turds in? Hey, you're still keeping those long turds in?

[Jim Norton]

You pulling those turds out for me.

[Bobby Kelly]

So there's room for me to enter you? You still chopsticking those turds out of your ass?

[Jacob]

That guy's the. The AI guy is coming. There's not out yet.

[Bobby Kelly]

When I want to have a gay relationship with.

[Jim Norton]

Absolutely.

[Bobby Kelly]

I got to get.

[Jacob]

We have to do that in the studio.

[Jim Norton]

Sup? Just thinking about when we get this place in Tompkins Square. Anyway, it's 6:40 and what's up? You want me to spread your butt cheeks or whatever like you said before. Hey, it's me, Randy.

[Bobby Kelly]

But if he's. I. I guarantee he's gonna know Justin. Justin up at the farm this weekend.

[Jim Norton]

Justin says hi. I was just on with him. Oh, Robert Kelly. He's gonna be in Rochester Comedy at the Carlson.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna. I'm not working. I'm doing some stuff in September but that I'm not gonna announce yet, which I'm excited about, but I'm not wearing. But my shows are in October. I believe I have something. I have a bunch of things in September that are cool.

[Jim Norton]

Dude, it's coming up on a whole bunch of work.

[Christine]

Sophie B. Hawkins. Harry Pitt.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I do. I would love to see it.

[Jim Norton]

Scroll down 2010.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I'm not. I tell you, when I got that Canadian girl to give me a slide massage. Yeah. Hairy armpits. I was like showed up on a moped and slid all over me. I was like, this is nice.

[Jim Norton]

No, it's not.

[Jacob]

But this is what I wanted to just say briefly. I know we got a wrap, but the amount of women I see now that are with hairy armpits and legs too, which is horrifying.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't like the legs.

[Christine]

Go die alone.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go get a bucket. Go get a bucket and sit in your living room while you watch a show.

[Jacob]

I got off the train the other day and I see what looked like an attractive woman. So she's wearing a skirt. I look down on. Her legs are hairier than mine. Bunch of arm.

[Jim Norton]

And I think. I think if you're under 5 foot 10, you should be allowed to hit a woman if she does that.

[Jacob]

Yeah. Just know you're. If you don't shave your armpits and your legs, you're. You're a pig.

[Jim Norton]

Jacob will go upside your head.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, Yeah. I say five.

[Jim Norton]

If you see Jacob Patot. Jacob Batat, he's gonna go upside your.

[Jacob]

Head, you gross pig.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's gonna tuck a razor right in your front pocket. You.

[Jim Norton]

You're disgusting.

[Bobby Kelly]

Slanner wearing.

[Jim Norton]

Yes, you're an animal. A big piece of. And everybody knows it.

[Jacob]

That's right.

[Jim Norton]

You have time to fix it. Fix it now before you feel his wrath.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go to punchup live. Robert Kelly. My special's up there and all my dates are up there.

[Jim Norton]

Please join that YouTube.combert kelly comedy where you put a new content all the time.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, put my content up there. And make sure you check out. Big J is going to be in the gathering of the Juggalos in Thornville, Ohio, this weekend, the 15th and the 16th. Butterly Zach and Louis J. Gomez. It's gonna be a. I mean, that sounds like a fun time. Make sure you go check it out. He's gonna be the stress factory in New Jersey, Appleton, Wisconsin and Calgary. For tickets and all the tour dates, go to bigjcomedy.com and go to his YouTube page. It's the greatest word team. Shucks. Shucks. Damn.

[Jim Norton]

I'll be live streaming again tomorrow night.

[Bobby Kelly]

Live streaming tomorrow. Jump on live and we'll be back tomorrow.

[Jim Norton]

Stop tipping. It feels weird.

[Bobby Kelly]

No tip.

[Jim Norton]

No tip.

[Bobby Kelly]

It. Tip them. I. Whoever leaves the biggest tip, you're gonna win a prize.

[Jim Norton]

What? No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Whoever leaves the biggest tip.

[Jim Norton]

I don't know how that would work. I don't even know how to send prizes.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna send you a prize.

[Jim Norton]

I'm gonna dox myself on this live stream at some point.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right. We'll be back tomorrow.

[Jim Norton]

We will be back tomorrow. I'm so excited to be back in general. We missed a week.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love your little shiny eyes.

[Jim Norton]

I love your shiny eyes.

[Bobby Kelly]

We'll see you tomorrow.