DJ Lou Sober Celebration

Summary

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: DJ Lou Sober Celebration

Date: October 10, 2025
Theme: A raucous celebration of DJ Lou’s one-year sobriety milestone, featuring the show’s signature off-the-wall humor, reflections on sobriety, Halloween neighborhood schemes, food adventures, and more.

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Overview

This special episode of The Bonfire centers on celebrating longtime crew member DJ Lou’s one year of sobriety. Amid the party atmosphere, hosts Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly, joined by Christine, Jacob, and Lou, serve up their usual blend of crude laughs, personal stories, and slice-of-life debates—ranging from prankish Halloween ideas to deep thoughts about therapy, family, and redemption.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Opening Banter & Pop Culture Bits

(01:31 - 02:21)

• The show kicks off post-intros with riffing on imagined scenarios if Tupac was still alive, and playful pop culture jabs.
• Memorable Moment: Jay wonders about a "gay old Tupac," imagining him collaborating with Lil Nas X, much to everyone’s amusement.
  • Jay Oakerson [01:53]: "Just him and Lil Nas X dragging their dicks across the tiles."
• The group quickly jumps from Tupac to observations about star-struck crowds outside the SiriusXM studio and musings about the mayhem of fan culture ("who’s in the fishbowl?").

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2. Neighborhood Observations & Outrageous Halloween Schemes

(02:20 - 16:40)

• Jay and Bobby veer into a riff about observing inappropriately dressed teens and the discomfort it brings—immediately using it to lampoon the parents and their own reactions, reflecting their no-filter style.
  • Jay Oakerson [02:45]: "It’s the parents' fault that I’m thinking those things I’m thinking out there."
• The hosts and Christine brainstorm elaborate, over-the-top Halloween plans to introduce themselves as the funny, memorable "new neighbors."
  • Critique each other's lunch choices before spiraling into the classic debate: Pringles—chip or cracker?
    • Jay Oakerson [06:57]: "To say it’s more cracker than potato chip is batshit."
    • Bobby Kelly [07:34]: "I would say it’s more cracker because what goes into a cracker is flour and all other ingredients..."
• Several rapid-fire, one-upping bits about giving out candy via wildly inappropriate means (stuffing it in "body parts") become extended running jokes.
  • Jay Oakerson [12:14]: "Front load them into your pussy. And then when [kids] come... fire a Ziploc bag of candy at them."
  • Christine [12:51]: "I've never shot anything out of my puss, so I'd have to practice and see how far I could get."
• Debate about what makes a neighborhood "the best house for Halloween"—full size bars, unique candy delivery systems, and "leaving a mark" on the local kids.
• Christine’s earnest attempts to decorate with cute Halloween cats, only for Jay and Bobby to decree the need for scarier decor.

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3. Food Talk: Lunch, Treats, and Embarrassing (Dis)Adventures

(16:41 - 32:00)

• An extended segment on desserts and comfort food:
  • Crackling pork and Jay’s traumatic encounter with a chewy, inedible piece:
    • Jay Oakerson [05:27]: "It was like trying to eat an ear."
    • Bobby Kelly [05:55]: "It was like meat gum...skin of the pig."
  • Mini drumsticks, Trader Joe’s desserts, and the glory of Magnum ice cream bars.
    • Jay Oakerson [19:13]: "That's a thick chocolate right there."
• Jay recounts "The Milkshake Story":
  • To avoid further intimacy with a woman he was less interested in, Jay repeatedly consumes milkshakes he knows will upset his stomach.
    • Jay Oakerson [24:22]: "As soon as I saw her, it was no mistake...I was like, oh, right. That's what she looked like."
    • Jay Oakerson [25:27]: "I drank it that night because she was still like, you know, kept mentioning it. She wanted to, like, fuck around that night—I shit and had the door cracked, talking to her."
• The crew shares nostalgia for 1950s-style diners, over-the-top malts, and the shame/joy of fat-guy food rituals.

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4. Annoying Songs & Ice Cream Shop Traumas

(32:00 - 35:10)

• Riff on Cold Stone Creamery staff being forced to sing; Jay and Bobby debate how music and tipping culture at chain spots can go sideways.
• Quick detour into boy-band mania in the building (Louis Tomlinson apparently drawing crowds).

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5. Main Event: DJ Lou’s One-Year Sober Milestone

(41:36 - 50:08)

• Bobby interrupts with:
  • "Today is a very special day here at the Bonfire...Lou, today is his anniversary: he has been sober from drugs and alcohol."
• Christine presents Lou a bento box full of desserts, recalling how it had shocked Bobby earlier.
• Jay gifts Lou an official Mets jersey and jokingly tries (and then awkwardly shares) that it’s "from all of us."
• Jay:
  • "I wanted to get this, just in case—you know, if you failed..."
• Lou expresses gratitude and reflects on how the whole crew helped his journey:
  • Lou [45:06]: "You can't do it alone. And everybody in this room has helped me...It's the best thing I've ever done in my life."
• Jay hands over a one-year sobriety chip, emphasizing pride and love, with the offer to fight Jay at Skank Fest as a reward.

Jacob's Emotional Tribute Letter

• Jacob reads a heartfelt message to Lou, detailing their history and Lou’s perseverance.
  • Jacob [47:36]:
    "Dear DJ Lou, congratulations on one year of sobriety.
    ...It takes great strength to conquer your demons...
    You may not drink any more, but we can still drink in that juicy ass of yours.
    And that's a happy hour that will last a lifetime."
• Lou thanks everyone, and there’s palpable emotion and genuine camaraderie.

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6. Aftermath: Sweets Orgasm & Sober Reflections

(50:08 - 56:00)

• Dessert bickering breaks out as Bobby and Jay argue about the proper way to dip brownies and waffles in caramel.
• Bobby fears for his health mid-episode, convinced the sugary celebration and pig-face lunch have sent him into diabetic shock.
• Crew discusses how sobriety has changed Lou's life:
  • Bobby [54:00]: "How’s your life? Is it better?"
  • Lou [54:02]: "Yeah...I haven't been hungover in a year."
• Lou jokes about relationships—including his “Blindian” (Black + Indian) girlfriend, keeping some things teasingly mysterious.

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7. Comedy, Therapy, and Emotional Baggage

(61:01 - 63:23)

• Jay and Bobby dive into talking about therapy, parental confrontation, and the emotional homework therapists assign.
  • Jay Oakerson [61:36]: "He came to town, and I...went and told him all...You not don't know what my birthday is...so much."
  • Bobby Kelly [62:52]: "Yeah, but he's saying my anger issues will go away if I go and hit her. If I go and explain to her..."
• Jay recounts confronting his father; Bobby dreads broaching abandonment with his Boston-Irish mom.

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8. Announcements & Audience Show Preview

(63:23 - 66:14)

• Show announces the upcoming "Fishbowl" live audience recording for SiriusXM Podcast Month (October 6th, 2:30pm):
  • "If you want to come watch, sign up for a chance at siriusxm.com/podcastmonth..."
• Bobby accidentally spoils surprise guests for next week’s episode.

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9. Closing Thoughts & Teases

• Jay circles back to teasing Christine about her "box" (of desserts), tying it into their long-running playful banter.
• "We'll be right back. It's The Bonfire."

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On the spirit of The Bonfire:
  • Jay Oakerson [45:20]: "You can't do it alone. And everybody in this room has helped me, whether you know it or not."
• On Fat Guy Food Rituals:
  • Bobby Kelly [30:05]: "Every night after my shows, I’d go to the bar like a, like James Bond and order my malt."
• Jay’s unmatched candor:
  • Jay Oakerson [25:28]: "I drank [the milkshake] that night...she kept mentioning it. She wanted to...fuck around that night; I shit and had the door cracked, talking to her."
• Jacob’s sentimental poetry:
  • Jacob [47:36]: "You may not drink anymore, but we can still drink in that juicy ass of yours."

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Tone & Style

The episode alternates between raucous, boundary-pushing humor and genuine, heartfelt reflection. Laugh-out-loud banter sits side-by-side with sincere support for Lou, embodying the Bonfire’s unique mix of bombastic comedy and real-life vulnerability.

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Segment Timestamps

| Segment | Timestamp | |----------------------------------|--------------| | Post-ads Start, Tupac Riff | 01:31 | | Halloween Schemes Begin | 08:17 | | Pringles: Chip or Cracker Debate | 06:43 | | Lunch/Crackling Pork Disaster | 04:46 | | Milkshake Story | 22:34 | | Cold Stone Discussion | 32:09 | | DJ Lou's Sober Celebration | 41:36 | | Jacob’s Tribute Letter | 47:36 | | Food Sweets Mayhem | 50:12 | | Therapy Talk/Parents | 61:01 | | Audience Show Announcement | 63:23 | | Sign-Off Teasing | 66:14 |

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For Listeners

If you missed this episode, expect the Bonfire’s complete spectrum: irreverent improv, real-life food and family confessions, and a powerful message of camaraderie and redemption as DJ Lou—roasted, toasted, and genuinely celebrated—enjoys his first year clean alongside the people who helped him get there.

Transcript

[Jay Oakerson]

Morning, Zoe. Got donuts.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jeff Bridges, why are you still living above our garage?

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, I dig the mattress and I want to be in a T mobile commercial like you teach me. So, Dana.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh no, I'm not really prepared. I couldn't possibly at t mobile get the new iPhone 17 Pro on them. It's designed to be the most powerful iPhone yet and has the ultimate pro camera system.

[Jay Oakerson]

Wow, impressive. Let me try. T mobile is the best place to get iPhone 17 Pro because they've got the best network. Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

Je free.

[Jacob]

You heard them.

[Bobby Kelly]

T mobile is the best place to get the new iPhone 17 Pro on us with eligible traded in any condition.

[Jay Oakerson]

So what are we having for lunch?

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, my work here is done.

[Jay Oakerson]

The 24 month bill credits on experience beyond for well qualified customers + tax and 35 device connection charge credit send and balance due. If you pay off earlier, Cancel Finance Agreement.

[Bobby Kelly]

IPhone 17 Pro 256 gigs 1099.99 A.

[Jay Oakerson]

New line minimum 100 plus a month plan with auto pay plus taxes and fees required. Best mobile network in the US based on analysis by Oklahoma Speed Test Intelligence Data 182025 Visit t mobile.com ABC Wednesdays.

[Bobby Kelly]

Shifting gears is back.

[Jacob]

He has arisen.

[Bobby Kelly]

Tim Allen and Kat Dennings return in television's number one new comedy.

[Jay Oakerson]

What what?

[Bobby Kelly]

With a star studded premiere including Jenna Elfman, Nancy Travis and hey buddy. A big home improvement reunion welcome. Oh boy, that guy's a tool. Shifting gears new Wednesdays, 8, 7 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu.

[Jay Oakerson]

And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly. Yo, Tupac. Rest in peace, dog. Gone too young. Damn. Yo, how annoying would an old Tupac be though?

[Bobby Kelly]

He'd be so gay right now, he.

[Jay Oakerson]

Would never shut the up.

[Bobby Kelly]

He would be out of the closet being like, listen.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, that'd be great, dude. Ah, just him and lil Nas X just dragging their dicks across the tiles.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, it be so hot.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, dude, you have to do. You have to do a feature spot on a Lil Nas X song. Yo, Tupac, do me a favor. Can you do this thing where you pop out of my booty hole in the video? Satan's booty hole.

[Bobby Kelly]

H who's who's lemonade? Who's in the fishbowl?

[Jay Oakerson]

Who the isn't official.

[Bobby Kelly]

Who's causing all that? We had to walk around. I I hate getting stopped. We got stopped and the guy said, no, you can't go this way.

[Jay Oakerson]

Our guy. Our guy.

[Lou]

Did you hear the little girls screeching for whoever the that.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, there's a zillion girls outside too, and they're dressed like little. And I want to talk to their parents. I want to talk about their parents. It's their fault that I'm thinking those things I'm thinking out there.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's not their fault.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's the parents fault.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no.

[Jay Oakerson]

Watch your children better. No. Don't let your daughter wear a shirt where you can see your nipples and pussy. That's not my fault. That's.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's. That's you. Yep.

[Jay Oakerson]

Knock me up, bro.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're right. I'll back you up, man. Fuck these little slut bitches. Yeah, and they're whole moms.

[Jay Oakerson]

I got to spend the whole fucking lunch break out there without trying not to look at fucking nips and box.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you had a hard on the whole time in your sweatpants.

[Jay Oakerson]

Tired time.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sweatpants shorts.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, all those girls too. I could tell they really wanted my cock. They just looked over and saw me eating my imitation crab meat salad.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I think that was like, oh, this guy. I'll put anything in his mouth.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he likes fish hot dogs.

[Jay Oakerson]

This guy likes fish hot dog. So he's probably super. He probably definitely wants to munch my fucking snooter.

[Bobby Kelly]

So sad about my lunch.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's what the girls call it, right? Snooter? No, my little snooter.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah, they do call it that, right?

[Jay Oakerson]

Like what? Like 8th grade, all the girls called.

[Bobby Kelly]

Actually, we all call you after we saw it in that photo. We all call it the schnooter.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah. And like my little. My little stinky slot. Oh, is that one.

[Bobby Kelly]

They say they call it stink wrinkle.

[Jay Oakerson]

But yeah, I don't know. I'm not. I don't have my finger on the pulse of what the kids are saying out there. Yeah, but it's like little snoodle. Just a little paper cut. Just a little wet paper cut.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow, it's getting uncomfortable.

[Jay Oakerson]

What is?

[Bobby Kelly]

Talking about little girl vagina.

[Jay Oakerson]

What do the kids call them?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know. I'm trying to speak. I'm trying to speak the language.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, don't speak little kid vagai.

[Jay Oakerson]

Is that what you call it? Vagis. Their little vagis. Little vagis with their little vagis.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, you fucking loved your lunch. Christine loved her lunch and my lunch sucked.

[Jay Oakerson]

My lunch was a basic little thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but you love imitation crab.

[Jay Oakerson]

I do enjoy imitation crab. That's not the way I would have had it mixed up with peas and all that. Shit. But still, I heard you.

[Bobby Kelly]

When we went to the buffet across the street, I heard you go, ooh, yeah. And I was like, imitation crab.

[Jay Oakerson]

Imitation crab salad. You know, I'm taking a couple of horking scoops of that.

[Bobby Kelly]

He took a couple scoops. I got. I got rice. And what was it? What was it?

[Jay Oakerson]

Brisket. Barbecue brisket sucked. It's a weird choice.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, Christine, actually, the end goes. It should have been potatoes. And I was like, you're right.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

That would have been amazing.

[Christine]

So good.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Rice.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's starch, for sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

But you did have. You did try the pork. It was. It was called crack.

[Jay Oakerson]

I almost forgot. Dude, people.

[Bobby Kelly]

People know crackling. It's good, but it's the. It's the skin of the pork with some fat and then the meat underneath. So it's like three layers. It's meat, fat, and then skin. And the crackling part is supposed to be the skin, but apparently you got a non crackling piece of crackling rubber skin.

[Jay Oakerson]

It was like it was trying to eat an ear.

[Bobby Kelly]

Watching him, he bit into it. All the skin. He goes, oh, this kid's coming. Oh, this kid's coming. Oh, this skin's coming.

[Jay Oakerson]

As you would assume, all the skin came off. Try to bite through this crackling, I'm told. Oh, dude. It's crispy. It's like a potato chip. Yeah, it's like a potato chip made out of saltwater taffy. It was a nightmare. Everything I thought it was going to be. It exactly was in my mouth. I heard a squeal.

[Bobby Kelly]

He just dragged it. He dragged it. Just ripped off the skin off the meat.

[Jay Oakerson]

It was crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it was like meat gum.

[Jay Oakerson]

It was. It was skin. It was a pig skin.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're supposed to practice tattooing on that, not eat it. Oh, I hated it. I didn't. I didn't like it at all.

[Bobby Kelly]

But you tried it, big boy. That's what. I'm proud of you.

[Jay Oakerson]

I put it in my mouth.

[Bobby Kelly]

You put it in your mouth? You good kid.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's more than I've done with cock.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yep.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I say, I don't like that.

[Bobby Kelly]

You do. You love it.

[Jay Oakerson]

So now you know. The one way you can get me to try cock.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Is you say one. It's crispy, like a potato chip.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a meat chip.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I'm gonna love it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you like this?

[Jay Oakerson]

And then I'm gonna surprisingly gonna love it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay, do you meat chips?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. But it's like if you had the whole stack of pringles at once.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Damn. Bobby was ba humbug this weekend when I was like, dude, I say Pringles are probably one of my top favorite potato chips. He goes, it's not a potato chip. It's not you that break my heart and show me this. It's product.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it's not. It's a. It's a. It's more of a cracker.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's an insane statement. You can get buried right now on a caller topic if you want, but you will get annihilated.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let's save that for the later in the show. I would like to put this out there to the fans because I know a potato chip is potato. Sure, that's it. It's a potato that they fry. Chip. A Pringle is. Flour is a lot of stuff. There's no.

[Jay Oakerson]

There's potato.

[Bobby Kelly]

Potato, flour, not a thing. Yeah, it's not potato chip. A potato chip is a potato chip.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, you don't have to say it's a potato chip. To say it's more cracker than potato chip is batshit.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would say it's more cracker because what goes into a cracker is flour and all other ingredients to make. They make.

[Jay Oakerson]

I know, but Bobby, we can go to the callers. No, no, I. Maybe we shouldn't. So I'm just gonna. I think I can flip you on this yourself. Cracker always implies what it's to be. Something's put on a cracker.

[Bobby Kelly]

No cheese and crack.

[Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely no cheese and crackers. For sure. Salami, cheese and crackers.

[Bobby Kelly]

All that stuff's vagina.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah. It's crying out.

[Bobby Kelly]

It makes little squirrel sounds.

[Christine]

Everybody can. Really dirty pussy.

[Jay Oakerson]

Everybody can smell it.

[Bobby Kelly]

You can hear it. We can hear it now.

[Jay Oakerson]

We hear it is how dirty it is.

[Bobby Kelly]

We smell it and it.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's become rickety. Oh, yeah, it's become rickety.

[Bobby Kelly]

It is October coming up, so it is Halloween.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's haunted.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's haunted vagina.

[Jay Oakerson]

This is the season of haunting.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are you guys gonna do Halloween? Are you doing trick or treaters? Are you gonna be one of those couples that turns the light that we see the TV on?

[Jay Oakerson]

Are you. Are you. Are you gonna give candy? Yeah. This year I'm not. I'm not there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Where are you?

[Jay Oakerson]

Mothership.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

What night is it on?

[Jay Oakerson]

Thursday.

[Christine]

Is it a Thursday?

[Bobby Kelly]

Thursday?

[Jay Oakerson]

No, Friday.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a Friday.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

So you're gonna be gone, but you're gonna do Halloween?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Yeah. I'm gonna hand out candy. I'm gonna see if she's gonna raise.

[Jay Oakerson]

She's gonna razor blade the apples. Guys.

[Bobby Kelly]

How are you gonna.

[Jay Oakerson]

She's putting razor blades in the Reese's pieces.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are you dressing up? Aren't you?

[Christine]

No, but Dawkins is gonna have a little Halloween.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're not gonna dress up like a.

[Jay Oakerson]

Witch, Christine, make us be known in this neighborhood. Answer like, yes, like have no pants on or something. Yeah, just like a shirt. And let all the kids like sort of see your pussy sticking out of the bottom. And. And then you give them things and then you reach behind you, the candy's always behind you. And you turn around and you give them fucking some asshole. And then you turn around. Oh man. They're gonna talk about you forever. You'll be in those kids minds forever for the rest of your life. Christine, make a mark in this world, would you?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm telling you, you think it's gonna.

[Jay Oakerson]

Be Skank Fest, that's gonna be gone with memories. But you will live forever. Those kids will tell their kids who will tell their kids once they audit.

[Bobby Kelly]

Skank Fest and they find it's just.

[Christine]

The dreams Jay had when he was a kid.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm telling you right now, you are new in the neighborhood. People around the neigh like, like, what are these people are going to.

[Jay Oakerson]

What's her story?

[Christine]

Bought really cute Halloween decorations. I have a wreath for the front.

[Bobby Kelly]

Door, wreath for Christmas wreath.

[Christine]

It's a really cool black twig wreath.

[Bobby Kelly]

I got Satan. Nobody wants that.

[Christine]

No, no, no, it's.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you put funny like, like skeletons and ha.

[Jay Oakerson]

Decomposing goat skull on the back door, which is weird. No one's even coming out there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why don't you give neighbors across the.

[Christine]

Street have like two blow up things, but they're constantly falling over.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, get the ones that don't fall over.

[Jay Oakerson]

Blow up things suck.

[Christine]

No, I was thinking about maybe getting some cobweb for that witchy front tree we have.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna do a full nativity. I'm gonna do a full nativity on the lawn. But it's gonna be only people of color. Everybody inside is gonna be only like dark, dark.

[Bobby Kelly]

What do you mean?

[Jay Oakerson]

It's gonna be like Wesley Snipes is like Joseph. Like I'm gonna have it really be like the darkest dark people.

[Bobby Kelly]

What the way they really were.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Jesus is gonna be.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're gonna have the original people.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jesus is gonna be played by Boll Bol's son.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. He's not gonna have abs. He's gonna have a little pot belly for gyros.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'M gonna have a live nativity with Ethiopian kids. I brought over.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine. You have to get an outfit, and you have to put. If you're gonna get cobwebs, you got to get, like, little eyeballs and stuff.

[Jay Oakerson]

Christine. I got it. Black nose. Black nose, whiskers, cat ears.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

A Kiki Co tear in the little back of the body suit where you have an actual butt plug of a cattail in.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nice.

[Jay Oakerson]

And when you turn around to give everybody candy and you bend over. Yeah, the opening's gonna open a little bit, and they're gonna go, is that a fucking butt? You're gonna change the way when you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bend over, just go, meow.

[Christine]

Well, maybe I'll get cat ears.

[Jay Oakerson]

Christine. Skank fest doesn't mean anything to anybody. This is the mark you're trying to leave in this world.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Christine]

Curving out on the neighborhood, kids.

[Jay Oakerson]

The coolest chick in the neighborhood. The coolest chick in the neighborhood.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are you gonna do what kind of candy bar, by the way? You're doing full bars. No, you're not going to do full bars.

[Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Bobby Kelly]

Your first Halloween in the neighborhood, you're going to do little small trick or treats.

[Jay Oakerson]

We got to come. Correct are you doing, Christine? They've seen the cars.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, let me ask you a question.

[Jay Oakerson]

They've seen the cars. They saw. They've seen the landscaping.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

You got to come.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're the ones with the pool in their neighborhood. You have a Jacuzzi. All right, let me ask a question.

[Christine]

It's a nice neighborhood.

[Bobby Kelly]

If the kid comes up, are you going to let them just stick their hand in and grab with it? You're going to hand it to them. You're a.

[Christine]

But I'm going to give them multiple pieces.

[Jay Oakerson]

New plan. New plan. Fill a bunch of Ziploc bags with, like, three miniatures each. Each makes them so different. Then front load them, Bobby, please. Front load them. Are you listening?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm listening.

[Jay Oakerson]

Front load them into your pussy. And then when they come, what you do is you go, hey, kids. And you tell them like, you're like, open the door. So they open the door. And when they do, you just fucking and fucking fire a Ziploc bag of candy at them.

[Bobby Kelly]

But what if this really quick, just spitballing. What if there's more than one kid? She's gonna have to load her vagina up every time.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna say, christine could probably put four or five bags of three miniatures inside of her, but can she shoot.

[Bobby Kelly]

Them out individually, or are they all gonna be shot at at once? Is it like a bouquet.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's a question for you, I think.

[Christine]

I've never shot anything out of my puss, so I'd have to practice and see how far I could get.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay, That's a very earnest answer.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you get that?

[Jacob]

Did you get that whole thing? Please.

[Jay Oakerson]

Very earnest answer for a very ridiculous question.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have to listen. You let the kids. You're the. This is your first time.

[Jacob]

Why don't you.

[Christine]

Full size bars, like, I think that's.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let me tell you something. You do full size bars. You're.

[Jay Oakerson]

If you show up, you might as well have showed them your assholes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. If you get full size bars, you're the house that everybody's going to.

[Christine]

I bought a really cute little Jack O lantern thing, though, for the candy and the full size bar.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I'm really.

[Christine]

I need bunches.

[Jay Oakerson]

All right, how about this? Now, we do have to let them know that we're the funny people in the neighborhood, too. So if inside the Jack o Lantern that has the things have a suction cup, giant dildo coming out of the middle, so as the candy goes down, the kids are grabbing like a. Yeah, that's funny.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's good. Do that.

[Christine]

I think you end up on a list for that.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, the coolest.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

The fucking best house in the.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, the list. The list of who. I got a high five next time I see her. Yeah.

[Jacob]

Let the kids in the neighborhood prove that not everyone's a snitch these days.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that'd be a nice thing. So we go. I guess we got. When a father comes over and goes, hey, did you have my twins touch a rubber to get candy? And I'm gonna go, ah, I knew those kids were fucking pussies, dude. Yeah, I know. Just so you know, your kids are pussies.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then shoot a Snickers bar out of your snatch right in his face.

[Jay Oakerson]

You could do that, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

Right?

[Christine]

One.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, One full size.

[Christine]

I mean, we'd have to test it. Jay.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'd say this. I'd say. What I would do is I would. I would unwrap it and put it in a condom or something. So you probably get the.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like a p. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the back of your vagina get, like an elastic, like a slingshot.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. I feel like the candy bar wrappers always have that. That ridge on the end. You don't want that inside of you.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have to. You have to let the kids get whatever they want. Christine, be that person. Don't be. Don't be the person that gives one or two out.

[Christine]

Let them grab. You think?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Better idea, tell them grab.

[Christine]

I'm gonna get. I'm not running out candy.

[Jay Oakerson]

Cristine, you become the human Jack o' lantern. Put the candy inside of your holes and let the kids reach in and get them themselves.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's a good idea. And especially if you have like a. If they step on something when they reach in your hole and a spooky sound happens. Muah, Bobby.

[Jay Oakerson]

Picture this because Christine's been doing Kegels Hardcore for the past four years. She doesn't talk about it a lot. A kid goes in and she feels he's fishing, he's trying to get too much. This kid's being greedy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he's greedy.

[Jay Oakerson]

She clamps down on him, scares the fucking shit. I mean, can't get his fucking arm out of her.

[Bobby Kelly]

All the other kids are screaming, they run away.

[Jay Oakerson]

The other kids are fucking screwed. One kid stays behind for a minute, but it's like it's not. Kid's not even his friend. He's just the best kid in the neighborhood. Yeah, but all of his people that he thought were his friends, fucking gone.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right?

[Jay Oakerson]

And Christine's holding him on there and she's kind of like. She's like that crazy Fran Drescher laughing at him and it's freaking him the fuck out. And then she's gonna let go. She's gonna let go while he's pulling back so he falls backwards.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And she's gonna go, tell your friends, don't get greedy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. And then, and then, but he looks in his hand, a whole king size Snickers bar.

[Jay Oakerson]

You did like, you know what? You were firm but fair. Yeah, because he did do a crime. He was trying to do a crime. You scared the shit out of him. And you go, you're gonna get your one candy bar. But next time don't go in there fishing for five candy bars.

[Bobby Kelly]

Because it's always easy to come in hard and lighten up than to come in light and harden up.

[Jay Oakerson]

They're not gonna. They won't respect you if you go away.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, you come in hard. This is gonna be a fun Halloween.

[Jay Oakerson]

This is gonna be a really fun Halloween. Oh, I hope our ring video cameras up by then.

[Bobby Kelly]

I hope that your neighborhood's a dead neighborhood and there's no families and nobody comes. Just Christine eating candy by herself in a negligee.

[Jay Oakerson]

That'd be so funny. Christine with a butt plug in, just covered in chocolate all over her cheeks.

[Bobby Kelly]

She has to pull the little Ziploc bags out of her snatch. Nobody came.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jay, how many more up there? Shit. I think there's one more up there.

[Bobby Kelly]

That is too small. That is ridiculous.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God.

[Bobby Kelly]

How many? What kind of person are you?

[Jay Oakerson]

Why did you buy 700 fucking black cats?

[Bobby Kelly]

You know why she bought.

[Jay Oakerson]

And pumpkins. And a pumpkin that's half the size of them.

[Bobby Kelly]

None of those cats are scary. They're gonna think they're regular cats.

[Christine]

Adorable.

[Bobby Kelly]

You need to get a skeleton or a zombie.

[Christine]

Can you at least admit the cats are fucking great?

[Jay Oakerson]

Very adorable.

[Bobby Kelly]

I really do like the big one. The big one's my favorite.

[Christine]

I wasn't planning on getting the whole family, but they all spoke to me.

[Bobby Kelly]

They all spoke to you? Literally.

[Jay Oakerson]

Do we find out who's in the fishbowl?

[Jacob]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

What the fuck? Why can't we find out who's in the fishbowl?

[Bobby Kelly]

Why does Jacob walk in like an older gay man? We work from Miami.

[Jacob]

You want me to go and check? Yes. All right. Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

Didn't Christine. Didn't you, like, text before asking who it was?

[Christine]

Yeah, they said. I thought we got an answer.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob, go put your mouse in. Jacob.

[Jay Oakerson]

Lemonade isn't the name of a person.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob, go up to the glass, put your mouth on it and go hot and blow.

[Jay Oakerson]

Dude. Blowfish him.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, Blowfish him.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jacob. Blowfish them in the. Jacob. He's not going to. You'll do it. Blowfish him. Thank you. I don't believe in him.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just steam up the glass and write a heart on it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I tell you.

[Christine]

How many.

[Jay Oakerson]

Goddamn. Gotta work. That guy's never done one goddamn thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

I said, God damn it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Give him 5,000 directions. He hasn't done one goddamn thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that the bowl of candy you're using?

[Christine]

I don't understand why you think that that's too small.

[Jay Oakerson]

What? Candy is small, Bow.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's in there?

[Jay Oakerson]

What do you have?

[Bobby Kelly]

What's in there?

[Christine]

That's just other stuff I got at home Goods.

[Jay Oakerson]

What is it?

[Christine]

It's Dawkins amphibious toy. It's the. Just the bottoms.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are you gonna give that out for kids?

[Christine]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

Is that drumstick bottoms?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay. I respect that. You know what that is? No. Drumstick bottoms. They sell now. It's just. You know when you eat a drumstick? The best ice cream cone.

[Bobby Kelly]

They're the best.

[Jay Oakerson]

They sell the bottoms. The bot. Just the cone filled with chocolate part.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. It's addictive.

[Jay Oakerson]

Pretty good.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know what? Don just got mini drumsticks.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, I mean, the mini. Yeah, you're Grabbing two at a time.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, of course. Mini.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. We have regular drums. We're outside of regular size.

[Bobby Kelly]

I like a Mini because you. I'll just have one. That's enough. And then you have another one.

[Jay Oakerson]

Of course.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then you sneak another one.

[Jay Oakerson]

Trader Joe's makes Minis and I'll crush those two at a time. Love them in their chocolate with chocolate coating on top of chocolate chip ice cream.

[Bobby Kelly]

I got those ones. I got Trader Joe's. Oh, they're so good.

[Jay Oakerson]

Trader Joe's.

[Bobby Kelly]

So good.

[Jay Oakerson]

So good.

[Christine]

Oh, my God, the Sublimes.

[Jay Oakerson]

And they even stack. They stack them like this. They stack them like.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah. You know what I got? I got mini Magnum bars. You know, the Magnum bar is the. The Magnum bar is the best chocolate bar in the world. It's a European chocolate bar. The. It's chocolate ice cream. So the chocolate's on it, but the chocolate on the outside is thick. It's a thick chocolate.

[Jay Oakerson]

I like my chocolate thick.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, when you bite into it, it's like biting into a candy bar with ice cream.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God. Magnum does it. Is it black and veiny like a Snickers?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, on the. On the outside, yeah. Oh, I got Minis. I got Minis. A Mini is good because it makes you feel like, hey, I'm just having one, but are you having two?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Christine can take the biggies, but she does the Minis too.

[Bobby Kelly]

I heard that she visited a Mini.

[Christine]

You don't know if a dick's too small or maybe they're just.

[Jay Oakerson]

You can't get an answer. There's 7,000 people cheering out there, Jay.

[Jacob]

Hit him, Jacob.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to hit you. Jacob.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Get over here.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm have to fucking slug you. Get over here and take the beat you're supposed to get. Take it right here and then another one of these and right there and right in your bread basket. And then two more up top to your chops. Jacob, Jacob, how are you talking so much the way I'm beating the living shit out of you. Oh, you need a little bit more, daddy? Does daddy need to teach baby another lesson? Does daddy need this? Huh? Why do you make me hurt you? I love you so much.

[Bobby Kelly]

One more, one more.

[Jay Oakerson]

You know what? Black Lou's probably got a little pent up shit. One more for Black Lou. Okay, give me one. Okay. One for Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Jay Oakerson]

Ah.

[Jacob]

Ah.

[Bobby Kelly]

One more.

[Jay Oakerson]

I want one more. Bobby wants one more, please. Where you want bread basket?

[Lou]

Right there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hit me in the nuts.

[Jay Oakerson]

You want a Couple down there, yeah. Oh, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby. These are sweatpants, Bobby. These are sweats.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I'm punching myself in the nuts. Oh, there they are. The Magnum minis.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. That's a thick chocolate right there.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's a thick chocolate, man.

[Jay Oakerson]

Hell, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, I got one of those when I was in Iraq.

[Jay Oakerson]

Really? And I thought I weren't even legal here yet.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I thought it was Iraq.

[Jay Oakerson]

Was.

[Bobby Kelly]

We were going to lose weight, but apparently morale. Food is a real big thing in the war zone.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, and we've seen the women.

[Lou]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Went to the cafeteria for food, for lunch, or whatever they call it. The px, I don't know what they call it. And we went in there and they had Magnum bars, as much as you want for days. And milkshakes. I got two milkshakes one time, and I'm walking back and two of the Marines went, you gonna eat both of those milkshakes, Fatty?

[Jay Oakerson]

And I went, it's called drinking them.

[Bobby Kelly]

I went. I went, no, you can have one. And he took it. He goes, thanks. And then I went back to my table with Colin and I spilled my milkshake. And Fatty got no milkshakes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yo. Can I tell you something? I mean, those soldiers are heroes in so many ways. We never understand. That soldier saved Bobby's life. Probably. Those were the milkshakes.

[Bobby Kelly]

I've never seen Colin Quinn laugh that hard in my life with him.

[Jay Oakerson]

Those are the ones that were gonna do it. Oh, those are the diabetes ones.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, those are the ones, baby.

[Jay Oakerson]

Those were the two double milkshakes. You know, I can't do milkshakes. Why? It's a big part of my identity. I can't.

[Bobby Kelly]

What does that mean?

[Jay Oakerson]

You've never. No, I've told you this story. I'm gonna tell it abridged. If I haven't told you this, buddy, you guys all know it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love milkshakes.

[Jay Oakerson]

So. I love milkshakes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why can't you do it?

[Jay Oakerson]

But. So a billion years ago, I was doing a gig. Mohegan Sun, I think. First time I did it, like a weekday headline, somewhere in the small room. And derosa came with me on the gig, and I hooked up with some girl. I got drunk and I hooked up with a girl that night. And, like, when I woke up, she was gone. And she left a note, like a number or whatever. And I was like. And I just remember being like. I was like, yeah, I know. She wasn't, like, holy shit. Attractive to me, but I was like. She was cute, though. She was A cute chick.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, he can sound cute.

[Jay Oakerson]

Sure. And then I was going to do a gig where I was gonna be. It was black comedy club still. I was doing black club still. And I was like. And I was like. I was like, oh, I'll have this girl come down there with me and we'll have the weekend. We'll hang for the weekend. Thuck. It'll be great. We've already fucked, so that's out of the way. She accepted FAST that suggestion and took a train down from. Fast. Took a train down from wherever.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna. You ask me and see if I got it right. Go ahead, ask me.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, hey. Do you want to come?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

I do.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

I do.

[Jay Oakerson]

It may cost you a couple of other.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's okay. I want to come.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay. But, you know, I expect you to do that.

[Lou]

I love it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to be there.

[Jay Oakerson]

All right. So, yeah, a lot like that. That was good, that. At her. So when I pulled up, I picked her up, like, in the city. Oh, my God. As soon as I saw her, it was like, just. I. It was no mistake. As soon as I saw her, I was like, oh, right. That's what she looked like.

[Bobby Kelly]

Was it sun? It was sun out, dude.

[Jay Oakerson]

It was just like. I was like, ah. But I was like. I was like, I can't. Like, I. She's taking a train from wherever she's from to be here, whatever. Like an hour away.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

So I was like, all right, we'll just get through it, I guess. And we went back to the. Where we drove down.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did she sit up front with you? Oh, so you had to drive with her the whole way?

[Jay Oakerson]

Wait, was Derosa. Derosa wasn't there with me. I'm wrong about that. He wasn't there with me. Yeah. That wouldn't make any sense. No. Because I was definitely by myself. Because. Yeah, no, she drove up front with me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow.

[Jay Oakerson]

We drove down there and it was, like, nice enough. You know what I mean? But I know it's like now I feel the pressure of, like, a girl where I'm like, this chick is. She made it very clear she's stoked the fuck. And I'm like, I don't really even want to at all. And we get to the hotel room and we. We did fucking right away. I knew that was gonna happen. But that night, three nights gig that night, I went and we went to a diner afterwards and I ordered a milkshake, knowing it fucks my stomach up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, you tried to get.

[Jay Oakerson]

I know that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Food poisoning.

[Jay Oakerson]

I Did I? Until I was sick and I was in the bathroom all night so we couldn't fuck.

[Bobby Kelly]

You tried to fucking kill yourself so.

[Jay Oakerson]

You didn't have to fuck her again the next night. The next day I kept her busy all day, taking her out to places. Like we're walking around malls or whatever. And then we. And then we go after the shows, I go hit a diner before we go back. And then I go, man, you know, hopefully, you know, whatever today, you know, maybe I'll take some antacid or something, but I gotta get one of those milkshake. It was delicious. As much as it killed me, that was delicious. And she was like. She was like, all right. And I drank it that night because she was still like, you know, kept mentioning it. She wanted to, like, fuck around that night, I shit. And had the door open cracked, talking to her.

[Christine]

What the fuck? That's so psychotic for you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I ask a question? Why didn't you say no?

[Jay Oakerson]

I would have felt so bad. Yeah, but if I was her, that would have devastated me.

[Bobby Kelly]

With the door open, I was in my mind.

[Jay Oakerson]

If I was her, I would be thinking, like, oh, my God, they're so sick. And like, they're really proving it by opening the door.

[Bobby Kelly]

What the fuck? Just say, hey, I don't want to fuck.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's an option. She made the trip, you know, so. So then third night, third day, we go out, we go, come back. I think we most like open water. Maybe in the movie we went to go see at one point just to kill time.

[Bobby Kelly]

Good movie. That Billy Zane. No, Is that Billy Zane?

[Jay Oakerson]

That was like, no name.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's the other movie. Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I think that's what we saw, but we.

[Bobby Kelly]

The couple that got lost in the sea.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's what that movie is. I'm pretty sure it's what we saw, but. And that third night shows. After the shows, we go to the diner and I go. I went. I went, you know what? I know I'm gonna pay the price for it, but son of a bitch. I'm only here one more night. I gotta get me one of the milkshakes. And she goes, you don't have to do this, man. It's fine.

[Jacob]

She knew.

[Jay Oakerson]

She knew. And I was like, what? I just love. I love milkshakes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that's the worst. She knew you were poisoning yourself so you don't have to touch her coochie.

[Jay Oakerson]

It was an awkward thing. Three hour drive back to taking her to her train. That was another hour or so. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would have just her. I would have just took.

[Jay Oakerson]

I did the one time I would.

[Bobby Kelly]

Have her every night.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, you wouldn't have.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was bad. How bad?

[Jay Oakerson]

This wasn't good, man.

[Bobby Kelly]

Was there zits on it?

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't remember that. It was just like the shape of it was all bad.

[Bobby Kelly]

The shape of it?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it was very nice. Listen, I've. I've been her in situations before.

[Bobby Kelly]

What did it look like? A tree knot?

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't remember that. No. Just like her. Like her shape. Just like her body. Yeah. Their whole thing. Like the face. I just was. I wasn't. I just wasn't attracted to her at all. Whatever reason. Mohegan sun that. Oh, I'm sorry. So that's the mistake we're having here. The rose was with me and Mohegan's son the night I met her.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh.

[Jay Oakerson]

Literally gave him a little too. Because I was like, hey, dude, maybe you'd mentioned that it wasn't that good and I shouldn't take her somewhere for a weekend. You were in the room.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, why would you do that?

[Christine]

He's like, I thought you thought that was good.

[Jay Oakerson]

He may have just thought I thought that was good. In full fairness to the Rosa, he.

[Christine]

May have just thought about, you're what, 100 pounds heavier?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I've never poisoned myself. Not to a chick for a weekend. That's just.

[Jay Oakerson]

Wow. It's just like lactic poisoning. I mean, lactose. Lactose poisoning. It's just lactose. No big deal. I'm not even lactose intolerant.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why. Why can't.

[Jay Oakerson]

But I can eat ice cream.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Something about milkshakes and it's just like the head probably the heaviness of, like, the fact. It's like. It's always like, whole milk. I mean, is that what. It's just like. That's just kind of what it is. Yeah. It just me, like, so milkshakes, I love. It's probably my favorite way to ingest ice cream, but I can't do it. Me ice cream cone. No problem.

[Christine]

Good milkshake is like five scoops of ice cream. It's like an insane amount.

[Jay Oakerson]

Ice cream basket. Ramen is the best milkshake as far as, like, franchise stuff like that goes. And they. They offer it to you and like, hey, do you want the 77 ounces of it? Yeah, yeah, dude, I do.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Hey, do you want a straw that you have to be good at blowing guys to get into your mouth?

[Bobby Kelly]

Love it.

[Christine]

I gained, like £30 one summer working a goddamn milkshake.

[Jay Oakerson]

Machine. Christine, by the way, you didn' just work. The milkshake machine knows we volunteered every day. Hey, I'm on shakes. No, everyone says I'm really good at it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that what you called your boss? No. The milkshake machine.

[Jay Oakerson]

Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I stayed at the Paris, the Paris hotel in Vegas and they have a candy store, ice cream malt shop downstairs and remember so fat. Every night after my shows I would go to the bar like a, like a, like a, like James Bond and order my malt. You know, those crazy malts. I would just sit at the bar by myself and drink a huge malt and then. Let me get another.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jesus. You just made me think though about fat guy. That's a very interesting thing. And I think we get support. We probably never even noticed this before, but a fat guy is like Mecca. If you see a place, a food place that's 50s themed, you're going to get large portions and you're gonna get a milkshake that you're gonna, you're getting that tin cup next to it with an extra, almost half a milkshake.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

They have a place near me called Red rooster. It's around 10 minutes away.

[Jay Oakerson]

And that's it. Right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Lord.

[Jay Oakerson]

And like the women are all like keep. They don't look you in the eyes. Right. It's like Johnny Rockets. Right? Just dance, sing and dance, bitch.

[Christine]

Yeah, that was my job. Ruby's Diner, 50s theme.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh my God. You fit right in.

[Christine]

Amazing milkshakes.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's such a place for fats to go.

[Jacob]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

And that's. They have it when you get some. The rubies.

[Jay Oakerson]

There's no, you know what no one's ever said at a 1950s design place, fries suck. No one's ever said that.

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

At a 1950s style place. No one's ever gone. You know, actually what everybody says at a 50s place, the Onion rings are really good. Yeah. It's the only place you're going to go where the onion rings are really.

[Bobby Kelly]

Good and good for more than four minutes everywhere else. The onion rings are good for three to four minutes and then their shoelaces.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. And then I like a Johnny Rockets because even though I don't love the food there, it's all good, but it's so greasy, sloppy. It's not like good quality at all. But I do like that eventually a child, an older teen, or hilariously enough, a 40 something year old is forced to sing and dance for me and humiliate themselves while I eat fucking disgusting chili cheese fries.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it is. I like that.

[Jay Oakerson]

I like that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just to see somebody's dreams that died.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, it's like cold stone. Just peg them in the chest with quarters. And they have to sing the whole song again. Sing again, you idiot.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's the song they have to sing?

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't even know it. Do you know there's gotta be a video of. What's the cold stone thing they have to sing when you get. Lewis used to say. He used to torture him all the time.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's so funny.

[Christine]

Tip my friend's sister and make her sing.

[Jay Oakerson]

Great thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go to a bad neighborhood with a cold stone and you walk in. They hate their jobs. And then they have to.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, no. They just do a black version of it, though. You want your ice cream? You got your. Your ice cream.

[Bobby Kelly]

I give y ice cream.

[Jacob]

You can tell everything about a person if they enjoy. When the. The stranger staff comes and sings happy birthday.

[Jay Oakerson]

Rodriguez was downstairs coming upstairs. Did she get stuck in? Is she watching one direction?

[Christine]

No, her. Her.

[Bobby Kelly]

The.

[Christine]

The ring guy called. She had to go deal with that.

[Bobby Kelly]

The what? The ring guy called.

[Christine]

Yeah, she's having her. She's getting some resized.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, her.

[Bobby Kelly]

I thought you meant the ring camera. She had a new. An old version of the ring camera.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm bill. I've been watching your ring and something weird's happen. House.

[Christine]

She was in the elevator on the way up and she got the text, which was the confusion.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, today is a very special day.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, you don't want to hear the colstone song.

[Bobby Kelly]

I do. I didn't think she brought it up.

[Jacob]

Oh. Oh. Oh, God.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh. I tell you what. That song could be judged up with a couple of. Well placed. And back me up on this, Lou. N words. If that. If it was just a few in. No, no. It's why 90s hip hop sounds so good.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't understand. Sing it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Let me hear it. No, I can't sing it myself here.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right. Well.

[Jay Oakerson]

And n words doesn't. It doesn't have the same flow. If I say that instead of the actual word, I'll write it and we'll write it. And then Lou black. Lou lay down the tracks. We'll judge up the cold stone song. You have to wrap it. If you wouldn't mind.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm down.

[Jay Oakerson]

So the person in the lobby just.

[Bobby Kelly]

For an update is Lewis tomlinson. And the song is called lemonade.

[Jay Oakerson]

And he was in.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's still in there. Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, but he was in one direction.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I don't think he was in One Direction. So how is. How are they shutting this down like the presidents are? I mean, they stopped me and Jay and went. No, the guy. Our guy who says hello and goodbye every day, knows us. Literally put his hand in Jay's chest. No, you can't. You have to go around.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's not even out yet.

[Bobby Kelly]

Who is he?

[Jay Oakerson]

No, he is from One Direction. Absolutely.

[Bobby Kelly]

He looks.

[Jay Oakerson]

He looks.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's from One Direction.

[Christine]

I mean, that makes sense then.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. He's one of the ones in my favorite Shreds video.

[Bobby Kelly]

He has old, young face. I don't like old, young face. Yeah, I hate it.

[Jay Oakerson]

So he's from One Direction.

[Bobby Kelly]

He has young boy hair and old guy forehead. Young guy eyes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, he was probably. Everyone's, like, third favorite, but he.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's a wig.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm telling you, this ain't gonna be. Is this the song?

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

The girls were losing their mind. I heard it from my office.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, but they're. He's hanging on to the One Direction thing. You know what? He's probably gonna come in here in five minutes, the way I'm talking about him.

[Jacob]

All right.

[Jay Oakerson]

Is this what they were talking about?

[Christine]

Exactly.

[Jay Oakerson]

So, wait, he was saying, don't talk about guests that are here doing other things?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Is that what he was saying? I thought he was saying, if we're gonna have them in. Don't talk about it. No, no, no. We're not gonna talk to Louis Tomlinson.

[Bobby Kelly]

We might.

[Christine]

I mean, if we have the opportunity to.

[Bobby Kelly]

Maybe. If we don't have the opportunity to have Guessing.

[Jay Oakerson]

I would rather talk to Lily Tomlin.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's great.

[Christine]

Well, I mean, Jacob, that's where I.

[Jay Oakerson]

Expected you to fall to your chair with laughter.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's asking.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'd rather talk to Lily Tomlin than Louis Tomlinson.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay, she's gonna relate to Jacob when she sees him in that chair. Remember? In the little chair. Okay. Nice talking to you, Billy Tomlin. He got it.

[Jacob]

I got that.

[Bobby Kelly]

He got it.

[Jay Oakerson]

He didn't. You gave him the. The big, comfy couch thing. You didn't go for that either.

[Bobby Kelly]

He didn't go for any of it.

[Jacob]

I was writing down the joke. Why?

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, because you're gonna put a Lily.

[Jacob]

Tom, what are you gonna put in my notes?

[Jay Oakerson]

Are you gonna put the punchline up on the screen? That's how. Jacob. Jacob, you wanted to hilariously sandbag us. You would put in the. The thing that airs on the. On the screen when people listen to the show.

[Jacob]

The pdt.

[Jay Oakerson]

You would put the pdt. You would put the punchline of whatever's going on first, first just leave with it. It's like celebrating Bobby's birthday. Wait, we didn't get to that yet.

[Bobby Kelly]

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Mental Health. And being healthy is very important. Not only is it important for yourself, it's important for your relationships. My relationship with family members over the years has gotten so much better and it makes me happy. My son has a better life because of therapy, because I talked to somebody, because I got the stuff out. He can healthier life, too. World Mental Health Day is October this year, and BetterHelp is shining the spotlight on therapists, people who truly make the world a better place. Because the right therapist can change everything. I know this because I got one betterhelp therapist. Work according to a strict code of conduct. They're fully licensed in the U.S. go in there, you get matched up with a therapist that is right for you and focuses on your therapy goals. And if you're not happy with your match, just switch to a different therapist at any time. This World Mental Health Day, we're celebrating the therapists who've helped millions of people take a step forward. If you're ready to find the right therapist for you, BetterHelp can help you start that journey. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/bonfire. That's B-E-T-T-E-R H E-L-P.com Bonfire.

[Jay Oakerson]

Tom Blythe returns in the MGM plus original series Billy the Kid.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sheriff's on our backs.

[Jay Oakerson]

From the creator of Vikings.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm sick of being on the run. From now on, you and me are the hunters.

[Jay Oakerson]

The legend ends here.

[Bobby Kelly]

They want to ride together, they can die together.

[Jay Oakerson]

Billy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I told you all, I ain't being taken alive.

[Jay Oakerson]

Tom Blythe is Billy the Kid. Watch now only on MGM plus. Guys, you know, running a business is complicated. There's dozens of software programs that you need and they're all so expensive. And since they come from different companies, they don't always play nice with one another. But what can you do, right? Odoo. That's what Odoo has all the software business owners need. We're talking sales, CRM, manufacturing websites, literally every kind of software and it's all on one platform. So it works together and it's quality software. So you're not sacrificing. It's simply a better experience than a hodgepodge of programs. You'd expect to pay a premium for it. Right, but that's the most Amazing part about Odoo. This interconnected suite of business software costs less than the mini mash of disconnected programs you're currently using. So the question is, why spend more on software programs that are less efficient when Odoo's simple software platform can handle everything for a fraction of the price? Discover how Odoo can take your business to the next level by visiting odoo.com that's o d o o.com odoo.com why.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do most of us want to learn a new language? It's probably not about memorizing grammar tables or topping a leaderboard. It's because we want to speak. It's out in the real world with real people. Babbel gets you there fast. Babbel lets you practice real life conversations step by step without the stress. You'll build the confidence to speak up when it matters. From ordering coffee to chatting new friends abroad. Listen, I use it and it's great because I was using this other app and after a while it just stresses you out. It's not fun. And I wasn't learning how to speak, but now I actually practice speaking. They teach you in live real life conversation skills in different languages, which helps you learn so much faster. I love Babel. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 55% off your Babel subscription at babel.com/bonfire. Get up to 55% off at babel.com/ford/bonfire. Spelled b a b b e l.com/ford/bonfire. Rules and restrictions may apply. Yeah, today. Today is a very special day here at the bonfire for the bonfire family. I'm very excited. I'm very happy. And. And this day came, and I think we're all happy. We're all happy. And today we're going to celebrate, and we want you guys to celebrate with us.

[Jay Oakerson]

Three weeks, Charlie Kirk.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no, no, no, no. Today. No, that's not it. Today we're gonna celebrate. No, no, no. We're not celebrating that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Cosby's returning the comedy.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no, no, no claps. Today we're celebrating Jacob doing his very.

[Jay Oakerson]

First day on Gabro's Onlyfans Cam.

[Bobby Kelly]

We're not celebrating that. We weren't supposed to talk about that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I'm pretty stoked about it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, no, we're not.

[Jay Oakerson]

I got the first subscription because I just want to be helping out at ground level. I'm not gonna look at it, Jacob.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna look at it. I'm looking so much.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'M gonna spank my dick to you. I'm gonna sign all his other names and not tell you what I want you to do.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, today is a very special day and we're celebrating it. Lou sober a year today. DJ Lou, today is a. His anniversary has been sober from drugs and alcohol.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm sorry I didn't clap for that one, but I gotta be honest with you. Nobody clapped with me when I had the other things that I was pretty excited about.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, because it's not.

[Jay Oakerson]

But I thought those other things were pretty big things too.

[Bobby Kelly]

They were big.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bill Cosby's back, baby, and he's hornier than ever.

[Bobby Kelly]

And we have. We're gonna celebrate. Christine, please, can you tell. Tell what you brought in. Tell them what you brought in. Well, there's a microphone right there.

[Christine]

We brought you the thing that made Bobby really fucking upset at our house.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, really upset.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's a dead raccoon. It's the bento box of delicious desserts.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look at this.

[Lou]

Like, that rocked Bobby's world.

[Bobby Kelly]

It rocked the world. It is a bento box full. I mean, this thing is the best dessert I've ever. I've dreamed about this thing.

[Jay Oakerson]

Also. Your. Your chicks it over cupcakes or whatever.

[Lou]

Who are those from?

[Jay Oakerson]

Your chick.

[Lou]

Oh, really?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Lou]

I knew there was a lot of secrecy going around. I. I could feel things being planned.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, no. This was all just decided about five minutes ago. We just keep things from you. It is one year, dude. Fucking amazing. And I had said there was something I wanted to get him.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

When he was a year, in fact. Just so you understand why this didn't happen sooner, I was going to get this for you a while back. And Bobby said, don't wait until he's a year. Yeah.

[Jacob]

Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

So I wanted to get this just in case you.

[Bobby Kelly]

In case you failed.

[Jay Oakerson]

If this is the wrong now up. Don't look at the price. You son of a. But there is a receipt in there. If it's the wrong size, they have it in the right size for you. I don't know if you like your. Open it up.

[Jacob]

Could it be.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, nice.

[Jacob]

Yeah, Nice.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes. I went above and beyond, I'd say.

[Bobby Kelly]

What is it? I mean, not for nothing. I thought Jay was gonna say that's from all of us. I didn't know he was gonna individualize the gift. What a piece of you are.

[Jay Oakerson]

This one came directly out. No, this is from the whole crew.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, that's not what you said. You said this is for me?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I said I Wanted to get your jersey.

[Lou]

The receipt's still in the bag.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, I know. In case it's the wrong size.

[Lou]

Okay. Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

I got you a double X in case you want to wear it over.

[Lou]

But that's beautiful.

[Jay Oakerson]

You might be. You might be a regular xl.

[Lou]

Thank you, man. I appreciate this. Brendan Nimmo and Mets.

[Bobby Kelly]

An official jersey.

[Jay Oakerson]

Lost official jersey.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's not a good way of looking at it. That's not the way I'm looking at it.

[Jacob]

But you're not a loser.

[Jay Oakerson]

But you're not.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

One day at a time, Lou.

[Jacob]

You're not that guy.

[Jay Oakerson]

One day at a goddamn time.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

How. How are you feeling, buddy?

[Lou]

I feel better than I ever felt.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah?

[Lou]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Feels good, right?

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, you're at the top of your game.

[Lou]

Yeah. I'm not a person who likes change, and I was never gonna change, but, you know, you can't do it alone. And everybody in this room has helped me. Whether you know it or not. I made the decision, and it's the best thing I've ever done in my life.

[Jay Oakerson]

I almost punched you right into the program.

[Bobby Kelly]

You kind of did.

[Jay Oakerson]

You definitely flipped. Yeah. I almost uppercutted you directly into a meeting, which. Wait, before you take your first bite.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

I want to say, because of that, Bobby also said this would be very important, you coming from me, because I know we haven't talked much about the stuff, but because I'm so proud of you and how much I love you and everybody here loves you. He wanted me to be the person to present you the one year official chip. Thank you for being sober for a year. Now, I told you, once you had that year sober, you will fight me so. At Skank Fest. Oh, I'm sorry. And there is also one more thing.

[Christine]

One last thing for you.

[Jay Oakerson]

One last thing.

[Christine]

I believe that you lost this. And we wanted to give back to.

[Jacob]

You.

[Jay Oakerson]

Your 2023 Skank Fest badge. One year sober. Of booze, drugs, and crazy pussy. You've done it. You've done it.

[Lou]

I can't wait to go back to Skank Fest and actually be a fucking gentleman.

[Bobby Kelly]

Congratulations, man. We're very proud of you, bro. We're very happy for you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Don't Was crying. You was crazy. Shut up. I'm proud of myself a little bit.

[Bobby Kelly]

Shut up.

[Christine]

That's longer than I ever made it. I think I got till, like, five months. It's just been a roller coaster ever since.

[Bobby Kelly]

I almost cried when he ended that chip. I almost cried. I saw it. Oh, my God.

[Jacob]

Can I say something?

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

Next subject. Dude. Actually, we had a comedian revealing the censorship rules for Saudi Arabia.

[Bobby Kelly]

Crazy. No? What do you got, Jacob?

[Jacob]

Well, I wrote this in a letter. Oh, I worked on this. Lou, can you put some sensitive music on?

[Jay Oakerson]

If you could, please?

[Lou]

That's what I live for.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jacob. I mean, look at these evil, simple carbs.

[Jacob]

I know.

[Lou]

Okay, buddy.

[Jacob]

I like that. Dear DJ Lou, congratulations on one year of sobriety. We've known each other for many years. Through ups and downs, we've laughed and cried. Sometimes we fought, even on camera. There were times I was angry with you, but mostly I was very worried. It takes great strength to conquer your demons. You first showed your strength when, after decades of being Philip Morris's most cherished customer, you gave up smoking. You smoked so much that you were almost made an honorary Indonesian. They smoke a lot there. But you stopped cold. That was really cool. And it took real strength. There was one last piece to the puzzle. The big kahuna. Or should I say Kahlua? Alcohol. I have to admit, I was worried about this one. I could see your demons, but I thought, oh, he don't know. So he chases them away. I always held up hope that someday yet he'll begin life again. And so you did. A year ago today, you gave up drinking spectacularly in a way John Bon Jovi would call a blaze of glory. You hit rock bottom. But you rallied, and it's been a beautiful thing to see. Not only did you give up drinking, but from what I'm told, you lead meetings and are a role model to other people struggling. That is pretty selfless and shows your true character. You may not drink anymore, but we can still drink in that juicy ass of yours. And that's happy. An hour enough. And that's a happy hour that will last a lifetime. Keep working on yourself. You are an inspiration for me to work on my own demons. Congratulations on your one year of sobriety. I raise a camo cup of seltzer to you for many more healthy and happy years to come. Congratulations.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yay. Congratulations. Salutations. Check, check.

[Jay Oakerson]

Loose drinks.

[Bobby Kelly]

Make sure there's coffee.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's not.

[Bobby Kelly]

How funny. If he was just whiskey. He's been drinking the whole time.

[Lou]

Thank you, Jacob. That was beautiful.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's good for his body and brain.

[Bobby Kelly]

Congratulations. That was beautiful. Jacob. Do you have any more? So we can snack some more while you talk?

[Jacob]

That's about it. I covered for you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Maybe a poem off the top of your head.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, Real quick while we dip some more of this.

[Jay Oakerson]

Coming for one more marshmallow oh, my God. Here is a problem.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not heated.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, but it's not.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not heated.

[Jacob]

You want me to go heat it?

[Jay Oakerson]

No, this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can't heat it.

[Christine]

Can't heat.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why can't it heat?

[Christine]

You'd have to take it out of the plastic.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why? It's not chocolate.

[Christine]

I'm not sure which one that is.

[Jacob]

I can transfer it to a cup and paper cup and you can heat it.

[Jay Oakerson]

We're fine.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's good.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God.

[Bobby Kelly]

We have cupcakes.

[Jacob]

No, Like a marine. You. Oh, you. You adapt. You overcome.

[Jay Oakerson]

God, dude, you are a wordsmith.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think I ate too much chocolate too fast. Something's happening in my head. I don't know what.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, while Jacob was reading that, me and you were having a little bit of a bicker match happening over here because Bobby dipped his brownie into the caramel.

[Bobby Kelly]

You dipped your.

[Jay Oakerson]

Then the caramel in my brownie? No, then the caramel got stuck. It broke off the caramel, took the brownie in to the dip. So then Bobby got a waffle to go retrieve the brownie.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then he got his fingernail. Brownie waffle. All one shot. It looked goddamn delicious.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Yeah. Why?

[Jay Oakerson]

But that was happening that little while I was. Kerfuffle was going on while you're. Yeah.

[Jacob]

Pouring my heart out. You were all like fighting over waffles.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jackals.

[Jacob]

It took me out of it a bit. I had to really rally to focus.

[Jay Oakerson]

I know we were a lot of commotion. Did you feel like we were being very Jacobi about it?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, you made him a verb.

[Jay Oakerson]

He didn't even feel it happening. I moved my microphone around a bunch of times.

[Bobby Kelly]

Listen to me. My brownie. I got the brownie stick and it broke off into the chocolate.

[Jacob]

It.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's not a stick. It's a. It's a chunk.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a stick.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's not, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's more of a stick.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's a square.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not. It's a stick.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay. I think you took a couple of pieces together and that's why it broke off.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know what?

[Jay Oakerson]

That's not a stick right there, though. It's a chunk.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're right. A couple pieces were together that made a stick. I thought it was a stick, but it was really a chunk.

[Jay Oakerson]

You were hoping it was a stick. I understand that mentality too. One of the things that did initially attract me to Christine was when I. We went to Wawa.

[Bobby Kelly]

Her boobs.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, we went to Wawa. And I Would come back from Wawa. Sometimes I'd bring her pretzel when she was living with her roommate at the time. And I would bring her Wawa. And then I go. I go. I'd go, hey, that pretzel left. She goes, you only brought me the one. And I went, what? She thought the double. Like the eight. Like the. You know, there's two of them stuck together. Yeah. She thought that was a pretzel. That was the serving.

[Bobby Kelly]

That is hot.

[Christine]

I just thought it was one pretzel. It looks like one pretzel.

[Jay Oakerson]

It doesn't look like one pretzel. It's two pretzels that are together.

[Bobby Kelly]

I ate too much.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm sweating. My eyebrows. My sweating.

[Jay Oakerson]

I know. Well, the brisket rice combo.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think I have diabetes. I think I just caught that.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know if you remember, you also made me eat a pig's ear.

[Bobby Kelly]

Maybe that was it. Maybe the. Maybe the pig face. Face and the chocolate.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, because then you ate it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why does my eye hurt?

[Jay Oakerson]

That's the pig.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that the pig?

[Jay Oakerson]

It's coming through.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, my God.

[Jay Oakerson]

Damn, Lou. We're all proud of you, buddy. You did fucking fantastic.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's great, right? Isn't it awesome?

[Lou]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

How's your life? Is it better?

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

This is. Oh. You haven't danced or laughed in a year.

[Lou]

I haven't been hungover in a year.

[Bobby Kelly]

And you still enjoy all the stuff.

[Jay Oakerson]

You enjoyed before, except movies and music. They suck now.

[Lou]

I mean, they are a challenge, you're right. But I haven't up any relationships. And in fact, I've created a great one. So things are good.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Christine, that is nice to see you.

[Lou]

Kids hanging out again with the Sublime together.

[Bobby Kelly]

I thought I was talking about me and him, but okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no, no, no. It's his hot black girlfriend.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's right. Is she black or is she Indian?

[Lou]

You keep asking. I'm not going to tell you anymore.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay, well, just, you know, froggy mistake. Tell me she's black. That's what I said.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have to say it like that.

[Lou]

An Indian.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is she?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

Dude, look at her sometime.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, you gotta. Isn't there a name for that?

[Jay Oakerson]

Let me. Hang on.

[Bobby Kelly]

Give it to me, give it to me.

[Jay Oakerson]

What, are we going black? All right, hang on, hang on.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sometimes I throw. When I throw them up, it's a little faster, but go ahead.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay. That was okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow.

[Jay Oakerson]

Because, see, this is one of the things, Jacob, where you got to walk that line, you know what I mean? There's a funny answer here that's good for everybody, but you gotta walk that line, and that is a danger of comedy. That's why it's the tightrope walk.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let's throw it up to Christine, see if she's got one.

[Jay Oakerson]

Christine, any ideas for something with black?

[Bobby Kelly]

Black.

[Christine]

I just immediately think blindian.

[Bobby Kelly]

Blindian is nice. I really like blindian.

[Jay Oakerson]

I feel like that's probably a thing already.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's the actual word for.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's probably the thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

There's gotta be something better.

[Jacob]

Are we talking India or native?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, India.

[Jacob]

India.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

India. Yeah. So that works. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Black Indian. That's a unicorn. Black American Indian. Like a Native American Indian.

[Christine]

Yeah, that's.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's like a unicorn.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't see that.

[Lou]

Well, she was raised in South Central la, so she's black.

[Jay Oakerson]

Is Sand Edward taken?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Taken.

[Jay Oakerson]

So it's not original? No, that wouldn't be a Big J. Original. A bjo.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm pretty sure that was taken a long time ago.

[Jay Oakerson]

Shut up. People say that already.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think that Nick DePaulo took that one.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, dude, he's been ripping my off for years.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, he. It was after September 11th.

[Jay Oakerson]

Dude, that guy comes for me. Look at that. Look at. Christine thinks it's one pretzel.

[Christine]

I thought it was one pretzel.

[Jay Oakerson]

Pretzel. And see the split down the middle? Do you think. Do you think a whole pizza is a slice of pizza?

[Jacob]

Yes, I used to. I used to. Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, can I be. Can I be on her side a little bit? It's connected, right?

[Jay Oakerson]

Like pizza slices?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, a pizza slice has a definite slice.

[Jay Oakerson]

So does this.

[Jacob]

Yeah, but the cheese goes over.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, but that. That makes it connected. You have to still peel that apart. I'm gonna die. Something's wrong with me right now.

[Jay Oakerson]

Now what?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know. I think I might. I. Seriously.

[Jay Oakerson]

You think it was the waffle brownie Caramel.

[Bobby Kelly]

My feet feel wet.

[Jay Oakerson]

Wet.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know what that is.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's coming out of your feet.

[Bobby Kelly]

Something's happened to that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Maybe having a reaction.

[Jacob]

A full barbecue and then. Oh, super.

[Jay Oakerson]

Do you think there's a chance that you're allergic to pork face?

[Bobby Kelly]

I think pork face and chocolate.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Maybe the combination. Aj, why don't you try this? Crackling pig elbow?

[Bobby Kelly]

Funny. It's usually good.

[Jay Oakerson]

It was. It bit me back. It was crazy. I bit into it and it didn't want it. And then what happened was the skin. I felt the skin slide off the fat it was just. Don't make me eat an animal.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was like biting into a live pig.

[Jay Oakerson]

Stop making me earn it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Lou, you. You've had crackling, right, bro?

[Jay Oakerson]

Not really. Oh, he's not that kind of black.

[Bobby Kelly]

I thought I really suck. He's like, no, not really. I've had rice pilaf.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's had beef carpaccio, though, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, I have. Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Beef.

[Bobby Kelly]

No one's had crackling in this room.

[Jay Oakerson]

No. We're not pieces of Boston garbage like you.

[Bobby Kelly]

All the. All the Puerto Rican girls you've dated, you never had crackling.

[Lou]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

The grossest thing I could take you to have in Philly, to me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

That. I would say a lot of people be like, it is scrapple, and I think you'd love scrap. I do believe you love scrapple.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love scrapple.

[Jay Oakerson]

There you go.

[Bobby Kelly]

I like scrapple, but cracklin is awesome. No, it's.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes, it is.

[Bobby Kelly]

No crackling. Bring up crackling.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's un. It's not. It's unfricasied pork rinds. Here's what it is. It's when they have a pig with a apple in its mouth spinning on a thing in some savage place, and then someone takes a big Crocodile Dundee knife and cuts a piece of its back off and hands it to you directly and then talks you into it because you're as Freddy says you're gonna like. Exactly. It's crunchy, like a chip.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's supposed to be the one I had before you. The one I had. I had two pieces of crackling. The one I had was crunchy and crackling, and I was like, oh, that was a tasty one. And the other one was the better looking piece. So that's why I gave it to you. Thinking that.

[Jay Oakerson]

I can't believe I did that. You might as well told me. You just. You tricked me into eating human flesh. That's how I feel.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's just bacon. It's just bacon.

[Jay Oakerson]

They have personalities.

[Jacob]

Remember Motel Hell?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's preservatives. Yeah, buddy.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's Bobby. Those are deep fried things right over there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now, the top one, that's what we had. The top one, it's bacon with just the skin on it. That's what it is. They leave the skin. And the skin's supposed to not be skinny. It's not supposed to be skinny. It's supposed to be, like, crunchy.

[Jay Oakerson]

Like, it looks like arm. It looks like an arm. It looks like a piece of someone's arm.

[Bobby Kelly]

I can't fight you on any of this. It does, like, look. Does not look appetizing. Especially when the skin is not crackling. It's actually skin texture.

[Jay Oakerson]

Look, I believe I've had.

[Bobby Kelly]

You've been into it, and it didn't.

[Jay Oakerson]

It didn't.

[Bobby Kelly]

His teeth didn't cut through it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I pulled the skin off with my mouth, and it hit my chin. I was like, Ed Gein. I was wearing it. I was like, buffalo Bob.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, man. God, it was. I feel terrible about it, but it was hilarious.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bobby laughed so hard, didn't leave. Felt terrible. He was having a good time while I was trying to hold back a puke. And I have done the same thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, maybe that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Maybe the.

[Bobby Kelly]

All that food I just shoveled into my face during Jacob's speech.

[Jay Oakerson]

What do you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that crackling?

[Jay Oakerson]

You don't think that pineapple caramel goes down good with pig face? I don't understand why you.

[Jacob]

It's like a luau in two. Two separate. A separate luau.

[Jay Oakerson]

What are you talking about? Traditional Maui did. This is. It's called the dog the bounty hunter diet.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, my eye is hurting. I don't understand what's happening to my eye. It's hurting like someone punched me in the eye.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're becoming the pig.

[Bobby Kelly]

Becoming? I've been a pig.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, an actual pig. Like a swine. You're turning.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm turning feral?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. This is just a dream you're having right now.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna get long teeth and hair on the back of my spine.

[Jay Oakerson]

When you go to therapy next week, you better tell me you tricked a friend into doing something really bad.

[Bobby Kelly]

I went to therapy today. Had a good one.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah? Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

He wants me to. He wants me to go talk to my. He wants me to go talk to my mom about abandoning me as a kid.

[Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, My mom's gonna tell me to go myself.

[Jay Oakerson]

No. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's from Boston. Irish brought from Boston.

[Jay Oakerson]

You can't be worried about what she's gonna say.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, I can.

[Jay Oakerson]

You have to get the words out that you have to say. That's what the same exact therapist said to me about talking to my father. It's not about. I said the same thing. He's gonna tell me. What are you talking about? Make a bunch of excuses. It doesn't matter.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you do it?

[Jay Oakerson]

You have to get the wor. Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

You did it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I did it.

[Bobby Kelly]

What did you do?

[Jay Oakerson]

I. He came to town, and I went and told him all. I go, hey, listen, dude. I go. It's actually pretty up that. This. This. And you you weren't around ever. You not don't know what my birthday is. I'm sure my middle name was. You were iffy on. You would say you were coming all the time and never come get me, like, so much. Then you moved to Ohio with a lady who didn't like me and. But went through the whole thing and. And he went, well, I get this bad rap. What about when I took your coat off layaway? That's what he said.

[Bobby Kelly]

So did you take your coat off layaway?

[Jay Oakerson]

He did. 11 bucks.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's pretty nice.

[Jay Oakerson]

It was. It's his claim to fame.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know my mom's gonna tell me the same shit, right?

[Jay Oakerson]

And I'll be honest with you. Did it make me feel any better?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it didn't do anything.

[Jay Oakerson]

It didn't change nothing. My dad is oblivious. Christine says when I bust his balls that he is very aware. I argue he is absolutely not at all all right. And I think my stepmother, like, still tends to not like me because she does feel it, I think.

[Christine]

I mean, it's pretty. I don't know how I go. There's no way that's going over his head.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's just like one snide comment after.

[Jay Oakerson]

Another bag on him, dude.

[Christine]

I'm like, oh, my God, Jay, forgive the man.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know.

[Jay Oakerson]

I forgive him.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know what.

[Jay Oakerson]

I get it. Not only do I forgive him, I get it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but he's saying that my anger issues will go away if you'd go and hit her. No, not here. But if I go and I explain to her, and I love my mom, I mean, look, it is you love.

[Jay Oakerson]

Somebody you love, but you have to beat the of them one time.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know, whatever.

[Jay Oakerson]

Was that, Jacob? You want to jerk off Black Lou?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay, nice. Well, yeah, you can't jerk off Black Lou on air.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob's getting uncomfortable because we're talking about announcement. We're talking about feelings. Jacob doesn't like feelings.

[Jay Oakerson]

He hates feelings. Oh, yeah. We do have a big announcement, Everybody. Next Monday, October 6th, 2:30pm which might be a problem. That's actually the time my dentist appointment.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have the regs at one.

[Jay Oakerson]

Huh.

[Jacob]

But you said yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, no, I know I said yes, but that's when my dentist appointment is too. 30. Come on, Jacob. I guess I'll reschedule for 2:30 another day.

[Jacob]

It's a classic.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's a classic. October 6th, next Monday, 2:30pm as part of SiriusXM podcast month. Dude, it doesn't always have to Be dirty stuff. Recording an episode in front of a live audience. That could be you at the SiriusXM studios in New York. And we want you to come watch. Only a few people. It's like 15 people. 15 people now right out there for Lily Tomlin. They've got 75, 000 people out there. But that is because he's not gonna curse. Yeah, we are. So we have to keep it within the confines of the fishbowl.

[Bobby Kelly]

We could do 230 jokes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I can absolutely put it up to everybody. If you guys want to hear more. 230, let us know and we will absolutely rain that down and let a bunch more people in.

[Jacob]

This is our very first audience.

[Jay Oakerson]

My next. I'll let you know. My next good joke is rectum nearly killed him, which I think is not appropriate for the lobby. So up to you.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is our first what?

[Jacob]

Our very first fishbowl with audience. Audience show.

[Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Jacob]

Ever, Ever. We've never done an audience show in here.

[Jay Oakerson]

All right, so if you want to come watch, sign up for a chance to attend@sirius xm.com podcast month that sirius xm.com/podcast month. I believe. It's a backslash.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a backslash.

[Jay Oakerson]

Backslash podcast month.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, we'll be back. We got guests coming in.

[Jacob]

We got.

[Bobby Kelly]

Marcus King is going to be there on Monday. On Monday.

[Lou]

Not today.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I know. We were going to surprise guests.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, not anymore.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's sucking me into saying it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Marcus. I didn't. I'm fine to not. I just thought maybe we were.

[Bobby Kelly]

We didn't.

[Jay Oakerson]

It wasn't. It was. It wasn't. Say it up there.

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

So I just didn't do it. Yeah. So it's. Hey, you guys didn't hear what Bobby said?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I said.

[Jay Oakerson]

He said, Farkas, Sting. We'll be right back.

[Bobby Kelly]

We're right back with special guest coming in.

[Jay Oakerson]

Farkas Sting.

[Bobby Kelly]

No. Coming in today.

[Christine]

Oh.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dan St. Germaine and Donnelly is coming in. We're going to be talking about their podcast Aliens. And I got. I got an alien. I got an alien adventure that I've been going on for the last year.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's growing behind your eye.

[Bobby Kelly]

No. Oh, don't say that.

[Jay Oakerson]

What do you mean is that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Something's happening with my eye.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Well, this box. This is a Japanese place and, you know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

They're in the alien stuff.

[Bobby Kelly]

I do. I love Christine's box.

[Jay Oakerson]

Anime. Huh?

[Bobby Kelly]

I said I love Christine's box that she brings in.

[Jay Oakerson]

Someone's gotta yeah. Someone's gotta love it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Maybe you should put some of those sauces on it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I know. Christine, if you were just for the love. Christine.

[Christine]

She's an asshole.

[Jay Oakerson]

Christine, for the love of God, just show your pussy the neighborhood.

[Bobby Kelly]

Boys.

[Jay Oakerson]

If you do cool things, I'll think you're cool again.

[Bobby Kelly]

We'll be right back. It's the Bonfire.

[Jay Oakerson]

Mazda. Once you discover the Mazda CX5 Mazda.

[Jacob]

It doesn't take long to get it.

[Jay Oakerson]

With standard all wheel drive, a premium interior and advanced safety features, it's an.

[Jacob]

SUV that gives you more at every turn. It will have you saying Mazda. The Mazda CX5. It's made to move you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Every Mazda SUV offers you an elevated driving experience and refined performance. Discover it at your local Mazda dealer today.

[Bobby Kelly]

The fight for our future starts with belief in our nation and its promise in our future future and its potential. Together, we answer America's call to win. We are Marines. We were made for this.