Don't Want To Fall In Love w/Mike Finoia

Summary

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The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly

Episode: Don’t Want to Fall in Love w/ Mike Finoia
Date: February 18, 2026
Guest: Mike Finoia

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bonfire is a classic, riff-filled hang with Big Jay Oakerson and guest co-host Mike Finoia (sitting in for Bobby Kelly), joined by the regular Bonfire crew. The central theme circles around the eternal debate of racial aesthetics in pop and street culture: what, if anything, do white people look objectively “cooler” wearing or doing than black people? The conversation is an extended riff on style, age, and the myth of “coolness,” buoyed by relentless punchlines, tangents about music, sports, and pop culture, and the show’s typical self-effacing honesty. There are side explorations into comedy, aging, and the spectacle of public life, with shoutouts to celebrities, sports figures, faded beauty icons, and notorious scandals.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The SiriusXM Building is a Pop Culture Circus

• The episode kicks off with Bobby marveling at the random star power in the SiriusXM lobby that day: “Wu Tang Clan in the lobby. Unbelievable.” (01:37)
• Running gag about any group of Black people being a “Wu Tang Clan”—“It’s like a murder of crows…” (01:57)

2. DJ Encounters and Hip-Hop Star Power

• Bobby riffs about being nicknamed “White Dave” by DJ Whoo Kid:

  “Yo, you White Dave.” (02:51)
  “Not anymore. I would change my name to White Dave if DJ Whoo Kid assigned me that.” (02:59)

• Trick Daddy and the challenge of matching faces to famous rap songs (the “Shake Ya Ass”/Mystikal confusion, 04:00–05:30).

3. What Do White People Look Cooler In?

• Extended, hilarious back-and-forth on what clothes, if any, white people wear with more style than black people.
• The thesis: Black people look cooler in almost everything.

  “Everything looks better on black people.” (19:51, Bobby)
  “It’s an optical color thing… even fat black dudes can wear more clothes than a fat white dude can.” (19:53, Bobby)

• From baggy jerseys (07:00), equestrian gear, soccer gear, tattoos, and boat shoes to bowling shoes, kilts, and clan hoods—the bit spins out with input from callers and Lou, Christine, and Jacob.

Memorable Fashion Moments

• NBA jersey evolution:

  “Remember when fucking jerseys were that long? … Before they started playing in what I can only describe as Nazi wear.” (07:00, Bobby)

• Soccer vs. Golf vs. Basketball as “White” and “Black” style zones.
• The “coolness crisis” for white NBA players:

  “Here’s the thing: White Chocolate, Jason Williams is as close to Black as a white guy can play. If you put any Black guy doing the same exact moves, it looks cooler.” (08:39, Bobby)

The Answer Revealed: Straight Hair

• After many hilarious dead-ends, a caller nails it:

  “What looks cooler on white people that doesn’t look cool at all on black people ever? … Straight hair. No Black guy has ever done straight hair when it wasn’t a joke.” (37:26–38:15, Caller + Bobby/Big Jay)
  “Cat Williams…permed long straight hair as a gangster just looked fucking terrible. It’s ridiculous.” (38:08, Bobby)

• Big Jay: “That’s a smart, great answer.” (38:12)

4. Celebrity Aging & the Roulette of Hotness

• Lively (and at times savage) rundown of which famous women have “held up” with age.
• Kathy Ireland, Denise Richards, Brooke Burke, Heather Graham, Neve Campbell, Elizabeth Hurley, Pamela Anderson.

  “You can write a five-line poem on her forehead… double spaced.” (58:12, Bobby, on Brooke Burke)
  “Blondes…they age with the sun. Eventually it burns them into a squiggly.” (58:42, Bobby)

• The difference between aging gracefully, plastic surgery “fixes,” and how facial hair “makes or breaks” white guys.

  “Facial hair makes or breaks so many white dudes.” (40:25, Bobby)

5. Scandal Tangent: Epstein and Celebrity Secrets

• Morbidly funny look at the Epstein files and the banality of evil:

  “You think there would be some kind of codes or anything…but it’ll be like, ‘is that girl there, will she play with my penis?’ – Noam Chomsky.” (45:36, Bobby)

• Ridicule of self-serving documentaries (“I Am Gordon Ramsay”) and Brett Ratner/epstein ties.

6. Comedy Life & Early Shows

• The perils of afternoon comedy—crowds, daylight, and the cosmic weirdness of performing before sunset.

  “Comedy when it’s still light out. Weird.” (51:12, Big Jay)
  “I did a 3:30 show and a 4 o’clock show—back to back weekends—on Saturday. That’s light out.” (53:02, Bobby)

• Memories of scouting venues, stumbles with “bad” shows, and the unglamorous stuff beneath New York’s big venues (Tiffany lamps in Webster Hall!).

7. First Crushes and Awkward Kisses

• Both hosts recall embarrassing, all-consuming teenage infatuations and the weirdness of being young and desperate.

  “Everything was Meredith for a night… and then as soon as you get away, you’re like, ‘God, she was rancid looking.’” (60:12, Bobby)
  “Tonight and every night is Erica.” (60:34, Jay)

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Wu Tang in the lobby:

  “Whenever there’s more than five Black people in the lobby, it’s a Wu Tang Clan of Black people…like a murder of crows…” — Bobby (01:57)

• White Dave origin:

  “Not anymore. I would change my name to White Dave if DJ Whoo Kid assigned me that.” — Bobby (02:59)

• The coolness gap:

  “Everything looks better on Black people.” — Bobby (19:51)
  “Bowling shoes don’t look good on anybody with any outfit at all whatsoever.” — Jay (24:14)

• On aging and style:

  “Facial hair makes or breaks so many white dudes.” — Bobby (40:25)
  “You can write a five-line poem on her forehead…double spaced.” — Bobby (58:12)
  “Blondes…age with the sun. Eventually it burns them into a squiggly.” — Bobby (58:42)

• Epstein Files Rant:

  “You think there would be some kind of codes…some of the smartest and most important people in the world…but it’ll be like, ‘is that girl there, is she super pretty, will she play with my penis?’—Noam Chomsky.” — Bobby (45:36)
  “Elon Musk sounds like a retard…‘you promise? Cause I like pretty girls. I like pretty underage girls.’” (46:39, Bobby)

• First crush, bittersweet:

  “Everything was Meredith for a night.” — Jay (60:09)
  “I thought I was taking a shot down and going with ugly Meredith. But Meredith thought I was too fat and ugly. She flipped the script on me.” — Bobby (61:10)

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Important Timestamps & Segments

• 01:05 — SiriusXM lobby: Wu-Tang Clan sighting
• 04:00–05:30 — Trick Daddy in the lobby; confusion over hip hop songs
• 06:42–19:53 — Debate: do white people ever look cooler?
• 37:08–38:33 — The “straight hair” break-through moment
• 51:00–53:41 — Doing comedy in daylight, special taping memories
• 58:01–61:46 — Savage breakdown of celebrity aging
• 45:36–50:49 — Epstein files, scandals, and the comedy of corruption
• 60:01–61:46 — Teenage summer crushes, embarrassing hook-ups

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Tone & Style

The episode is characteristically brash and self-deprecating, with the hosts riffing on race, pop culture, and their own inadequacies as white guys in a world where “cool” is often beyond their grasp. The back-and-forth is loose, unscripted, and honest, echoing the rhythm of a spirited green-room debate between veteran comics who don’t take themselves—or society’s absurdity—too seriously.

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Closing Thoughts

If you’re looking for a deep, playful, and slightly reckless exploration of racial aesthetics, memories of being nerdy and uncool, and why certain icons endure (or don’t), this riotous Bonfire episode is a must-listen.

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Transcript

[Big J Okerson]

Before all the algorithm fed blah and the endless sea of dupes, shopping used to feel more fun. But here's a confession, fashionistas. You can find that fun feeling again on ebay. It's not mindless scrolling, it's a fashion pursuit.

[Bobby Kelly]

And when you score that rari Adidas.

[Big J Okerson]

Collab or the Dior saddlebag you've been manifesting, it's a rush. Ebay has millions of pre loved finds from hundreds of brands backed by eBay. Authenticity guarantee. EBay, things people love.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you're an H Vac technician and a call comes in, Grainger knows that you need a partner that helps you find the right product fast and hassle free.

[Big J Okerson]

And you know that when the first problem of the day is a clanking.

[Bobby Kelly]

Blower motor, there's no need to break a sweat. With Grainger's easy to use website and product details, you're confident you'll soon have.

[Big J Okerson]

Everything humming right along.

[Bobby Kelly]

Call 1-800-GRAINGER clickgrainger.com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get it done.

[Big J Okerson]

And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Bobby Kelly]

I will tell you guys, every time I'm just being like, what's the big deal? I take start taking for granted we work at the great SiriusXM satellite radio, the only satellite radio company in the biz. A monopoly I'd call it. Dominates in every way. But I just, sometimes I'm like. I was like, I know, yeah, I work here. It's. It is. What is? The stupid. It's a radio station. Then you walk in. When you know it again. Lou. Wu Tang Clan in the lobby.

[Big J Okerson]

There was always a clan in the lobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

Un believable. Jacob, do you hear me? Wu Tang Clan in the lobby. Wuzang Clan.

[Jacob]

That's pretty crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's pretty crazy.

[Jacob]

I know you love them.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Jacob]

What?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no, no. I love. I love the Wu Tang Clan. The rap group.

[Jacob]

Oh, right.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know if you remember this. I call every gathering of black people a Wu Tang Clan. Whenever there's more than five black people in the lobby, it's a Wu Tang Clan of black people. I said it's like a murder of crows or a flock of seagulls. A Wu Tang Clan of black people. There was a full Wu Tang Clan of black people once again in the lobby, everybody. And if I looked at each one of them long enough, I could have assigned each one a Wu Tang thing. That's the method man of this Wu Tang Clan. That's the Inspector Deck. There's a. You God old dirty bastard I assume died a few years ago. I saw my boy DJ. Who? Kid. Man, he has got $3 million worth of necklace on. Yeah, he always sort of remembers me, I think. I don't know. I bet if I was like, hey, what's my name? He'd be like, I don't know, man. Be that player from the hall.

[Big J Okerson]

You look like a Sammy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm going to call you Waldorf. That's not really what it is. Yeah, well, it should be.

[Big J Okerson]

Yo, you White Dave.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yo, if you wife, you White Dave. You White Dave. My name's Jay, though. Not anymore.

[Big J Okerson]

No, you White Dave now.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would change my name to White Dave if dj. Who could assign me that? Who?

[Big J Okerson]

Kidding. My White Dave.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

He'd forget by the next time he saw you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, it is the bonfire, Everybody. Faction talk. SiriusXM103. I'm Big J Okerson. Bobby Kelly. He had family stuff he had to do tonight.

[Big J Okerson]

Wink, wink.

[Bobby Kelly]

Max is. I think they're going to family court eventually. Finally. They're gonna sort it out. They're gonna sort out who gets to keep that son of a bitch.

[Big J Okerson]

Is Max emancipating?

[Bobby Kelly]

He's emancipating officially.

[Big J Okerson]

Mack gets his own apartment.

[Bobby Kelly]

He already has it. He already has his own apartment. Casa de Max, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

He's gonna be an idiot to fuck up that grift.

[Bobby Kelly]

We have everyone's favorite guest, Americas amigo, sitting in the bobby chair today. It is, of course, Mike Feno. He's so tiring listening to these long songs on the Grateful Dead channel.

[Big J Okerson]

You think it's too late to start DJing?

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a work week. I do a 60 hour work week. Four Grateful Dead songs. That's just my experiences. Pacho. Mike. Oh, yeah, yeah. Black Lou. Hey, you said your Black Dar was on and there was actually somebody famous out there besides who, kid? Who was it? It was the famous rapper known as Trick Daddy out there. Yeah. Oh, man. Shake your ass. Watch yourself. I know it's mystical, but I couldn't think of a Trick Daddy song, so I just went with the mystical song. It wasn't a mistake. It was a conscious decision to sing the wrong person's song. But I do believe it's from the same area.

[Big J Okerson]

Can we do. If you played me two songs, I don't think I'd know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, you would. Well, this isn't the one. I think I don't know this one at. Nope. No. I hate this. Turn this off. He has something I know, though. He's got a shake your ass type song.

[Big J Okerson]

Watch yourself.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's his other shit? Oh, is it. Let's Go. Is that the one with if I. That's the song. I think that song rules. That's. They use Crazy Train. Yep. Okay. I love this now. Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

Is that Ice Cube?

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob, go get Trick Daddy so I can ask him about this song. And my one question will be. Trick Daddy, we only have you for a moment. I have a question. What's with the song? Yeah. Oh, Trick Daddy. So it was Trick Daddy's Wu Tang Clan.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Jacob]

Ah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Trick Daddy would be the old dirty bastard, I guess.

[Big J Okerson]

No, he'd be the Method Man.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Big J Okerson]

Because he's alive.

[Bobby Kelly]

He is living. That is true.

[Jacob]

That's the dead.

[Bobby Kelly]

One thing has to be right.

[Big J Okerson]

Right?

[Bobby Kelly]

That's the one thing Method man will always have over odb.

[Big J Okerson]

There's Little John.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Well, I assume Little John knows tr. I told you. It's a shake your ass thing.

[Big J Okerson]

Watch yourself.

[Bobby Kelly]

Or jizz. Remember the other guys with Little John saying about jizz all the time and getting crunk? Black guys hate gay jokes, but, man, they really love singing about jizz. Everybody just. Skeet skeet, skeet, skeet Jake a duck.

[Big J Okerson]

Skeet skeet, skeet, skeet the room's sticky now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now everybody's sticky from jizz.

[Big J Okerson]

Put on your gloves.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bunch of dudes with the dicks out coming on the walls. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, that's Twista. Jacob, That's. I know you were. I saw you squinting your eyes wondering who that was. It's Twista.

[Big J Okerson]

That's. That's their chef Raekwon.

[Bobby Kelly]

And he goes skip a duba dibba. That's their Chef Raekwon. Of his Wu Tang Clan. Yes.

[Jacob]

Who does fish scales.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob, final answer your question. Okay. You're Master Killa in our Wu Tang Clan. But we're not black, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

That's pretty cool, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Master Clan Clan. That's not how it works. We're Black Lou's Backstreet Boys.

[Big J Okerson]

Blackstreet boy.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I'm A.J. mcLean. I called it way early, so do something about it. I'm wearing the gloves.

[Big J Okerson]

Do something about it.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I know. Mikey decided to go bad boy gloves and hat today, so we can hold a baseball bat in a picture.

[Big J Okerson]

That's it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know. Mike's dressed like Mark Wahlberg and four brothers today.

[Big J Okerson]

Mike's cold. Mike, these are necessity gloves.

[Bobby Kelly]

Damn, dude. Remember when fucking jerseys were that long? Remember the jerseys used to go down to your ankles and everything was so cool.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Remember every way before they started playing in what I can only describe as Nazi wear clothing for the NBA. Why are their jerseys so tight now, Black Lou? What happened to black people? They got influenced by white girls. White people got involved, changed the rules up on us. But why did black people believe it? Why did they go, no, I think Baggy's our thing. It's kind of our thing. And they go, no, it'll come back. You guys want to go real European queef about it, you know what I'm saying? I know you're Lil Wayne, but I want to be able to see your leg veins through your fucking girl pants. And then he just did it.

[Big J Okerson]

They went real Kevin McHale and went back to the old white balls. You know, I have a theory and Jay and I share this thought that it's impossible for a white dude to look cool playing hoops. A pro basketball player that's white. There's no cool looking white dudes that play hoops.

[Bobby Kelly]

What about a white guy that grew up playing with black guys? Like you're Jason Williams. Well, here's the thing. White Chocolate Jason Williams is. And you used his nickname at his name as two different people because you couldn't think of one other one, which is. I also understand. I also completely understand. Let's not talk about Jason Williams and White Chocolate and that guy who was on the Sacramento Kings for a while, number 55, Jason Williams played as close to black as you could play. I'll tell you where you can do it. Here's the problem. Rarely are you going to get into the NBA as a shorter white guy. You're under 6 foot 2 and a white guy. It's rare. You're getting in. You got to be a coach's kid kind of thing, T.J. mcConnell style, or you're going to be a gigantic guy. The small. The little guy. The little white guy who we. Who was our little Jason Williams at the rec center. I used to play it when I was younger. White kid who had cornrows. Name's Kevin. He's a little bodybuilder. Now he looks ridiculous because he's just all muscles and he's three feet tall.

[Jacob]

Guys cannot do bodybuilding, but he, he did.

[Bobby Kelly]

And he used to bring up pictures of him, but which he's on Facebook for sure. But he was our little white. He is. His between the legs was like, you know, the back and forth and it looked. And so it's as cool as it's gonna look. If you just put any black guy Doing the same exact moves. It makes more sense and looks cooler.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, but there's no.

[Bobby Kelly]

If Urkel did that, you'd think it looked cooler than the coolest white guy doing it.

[Big J Okerson]

Yep, that's the thing. Like, you're not like John Stockton, right? The most boring looking librarian of a man.

[Jacob]

Right?

[Big J Okerson]

He wasn't a tall dude, was he?

[Bobby Kelly]

Stockton? No, he wasn't super tall.

[Big J Okerson]

But I mean that like kind of like, like that flippy kind of hair.

[Bobby Kelly]

And no one looked as uncool as John Stockton playing basketball. It's just so bad. Yeah, none of them the Flying Dutchman. All a bunch of goofs.

[Big J Okerson]

What about Hawk, the dude that had the. The crazy ass hair? Right.

[Bobby Kelly]

So Chris Anderson. Chris Anderson. No. That's almost a problem. It's the same.

[Big J Okerson]

Try hard.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's the problem with all things. If you've got like a fun funky look and you're a white guy, it only translates to music. You could play music and make that look cool for you. It will not translate to any other fuck. If you're flamboyant white, it won't be cool in sports. No, it has to be music. As a black guy, you could do some fun shit, some wacky hair stuff and all that. You could put gold teeth in. These motherfuckers are playing in the Super bowl with $200,000 worth of gold chain on.

[Big J Okerson]

It's crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's insane. And they could pull it off and make look cool, you know what I mean? Like, even when like the white players in baseball wear their chains and they tuck it and it's like a big old black guy's chain, but you're like, oh, that's probably to honor his ma. It's just like, you know, he has a. He has a relationship with Christ. It's always like a more meaningful chain. Whereas the black guy is just like, I don't give a if this gets ripped off in this game. Take it, take it.

[Big J Okerson]

Just throw it into the crowd.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's just a diamond necklace. I don't give a about it. Tackle me by it.

[Big J Okerson]

I wish there was like a top 10 cool looking white dudes in basketball because there's none.

[Bobby Kelly]

Worst thing that ever happened in the world is candid shots of. Of heavy metal musicians. There is nothing less cool. That's why that guy, if you remember the we always have the joke, I'm a happy camper. Decline of Western Civilization Part 2 documentary. The guy from WASP who's in his mansion that, you know now he has to sell like the guts of his car to like, to eat. Yeah, but he's in this thing. He's in the pool. He's in the pool on a float while his mom rips Virginia Slims over in the corner. And he's talking about how these are the glory days are going to last forever. Everything's. He's drinking vodka right out of the bottle, pouring it in his mouth. Remember this?

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wearing though his stage clothes. He's wearing a stage wearing leather pants and whatever. He's wearing like a maybe no shirt or something. But he's not. Because the worst thing. What destroyed everything for me. I stopped thinking Motley Crue was cool so long ago. Because they would show up on like summer MTV things and have like a visor and a ponytail in and shorts on and a T shirt and they're like fucking idiots. They like the worst people. What are you, 80?

[Big J Okerson]

Totally, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

What are you picking up your kid?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And like. No, man, we're 26. I'm like, well, you don't look. You have no idea how to look. Except on stage. Cool jeans and like flippy, you know, bandanas and everything. Tons of makeup, but yeah, there he is. Dude, he's wearing a stage clothes. Dude, we've been place in a long time. This is one of the funniest things ever. This guy's.

[Jacob]

How long he died. He died like soon after this, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

No. Is he dead?

[Jacob]

He's dead.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't even know if Chris. Oh, he might be dead.

[Jacob]

I thought he drank himself to death.

[Bobby Kelly]

He may have, but no, it wasn't. No. If you remember, like years ago, we found out he's now like selling the. The shell of his car.

[Jacob]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's like offering. So it's like for 200 bucks you could buy the shell of his Camaro. He used to autograph it.

[Jacob]

I get confused.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes, he autographs that. That's great.

[Bobby Kelly]

But he looks also. You see what a young. Like, you know, he's handsome here for sure. But that's him now, dude.

[Jacob]

Some of them have gone.

[Bobby Kelly]

Whoa.

[Jacob]

Damn.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, dude.

[Jacob]

Oh, he made it.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's still around 19, but it says.

[Big J Okerson]

He still made it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he's 67. Good for you, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, good for you.

[Jacob]

Look like you're God damn, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

67 years old.

[Big J Okerson]

That looks like.

[Bobby Kelly]

Damn, dude. That means. That means he was probably.

[Big J Okerson]

Jesus Christ.

[Bobby Kelly]

What does that mean? He's like 30. Well, maybe he was in his 20s. Yeah, he's in his 20s in that video. A happy camper.

[Big J Okerson]

Late 70s, early 80s. Wasp started. We are Satan's people.

[Jacob]

Does it say he got it together or.

[Bobby Kelly]

No. Well, I mean, together as like, you know, as he can be, I suppose. Yeah. He's alive.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

You think he got it together enough to buy the parts to his car back?

[Bobby Kelly]

He had a solo career the fuck out of here.

[Big J Okerson]

He's like, hey, I'm gonna need that left door.

[Jacob]

He doesn't look the same.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, he looks like a mess, but. Play that. Play a thing again, dude. He thought it was gonna happen forever. But if you ever remember, like, it would be like Vince Neil was like, introducing something on MTV's like, Summer, you know, spring break or somewhere. He would come out and you're like, what the fuck is happening? This guy looking for change on the beach.

[Jacob]

It's so uncool.

[Big J Okerson]

Got warm up pants and.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, also they teased the out of their hair. So what they didn't have this was the 90s. Started to figure out a little bit, let your hair grow natural. Just put product in it to weigh it down. Don't tease it out because that teased out hair. Then they put it in a ponytail and it starts like in the middle of the top of the back of their head. And it's like their hair poofs in the ponytail, like in the front. And then the back is just like a little rat because it's all like. Yeah, teased out and thin.

[Big J Okerson]

Looks like a peacock getting set for flight.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's so ridiculous looking.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, they look like idiots.

[Bobby Kelly]

Give us a little more. This guy. Hey, Mom. You want some, Mom?

[Big J Okerson]

Right on, Mom.

[Bobby Kelly]

She don't give a shit. That's it. I'm a happy camper.

[Big J Okerson]

Look at her, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's fine.

[Big J Okerson]

Most dead eyes ever. Yeah, she looks like a lunch lady.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

It'S weird when you see anybody like that, like, up close to someone who, like, you just see on mtv, you're like, holy fucking shit. And then you see him in person and you're like, what?

[Bobby Kelly]

Can black people not look cool in that? White people can look cool in. No, white people look cool in a kilt. So that's not fair.

[Big J Okerson]

Holy shit. I saw a black dude in a kilt the other night at New York.

[Bobby Kelly]

Comedy Club, but he didn't look cool.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, not.

[Christine]

I.

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Big J Okerson]

No one looks cool in a kilt.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's on my point. I'm saying you can. No one can make that cool. But what do white people look cool in that black people can't pull off as good?

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, Mohawk, maybe? No, no, Some black people are great.

[Big J Okerson]

In Mohawks right now? Absolutely.

[Bobby Kelly]

A dashiki riding. Riding a tiger.

[Jacob]

Dude, you know you're an alcoholic when your mom shares your alcoholic beverage with you.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's great.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

In her mind, though, she's just trying to take a little away from him. This is how I save him.

[Big J Okerson]

I'd rather kill me.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is how I save him. Yeah. Kill.

[Big J Okerson]

This dude at the show had a kill. Like a tight kilt, like above the knee. Kill.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, well, that.

[Big J Okerson]

Really weird. I know.

[Jacob]

The jerk off and everything he wears. He does not pull off that. Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Doesn't he show up in like half a question mark at shit and whatever? Like weird fucking. Yeah, the dude had like a tight.

[Bobby Kelly]

You are right though, by the way. Black guys still actually do make the kilt look cooler. But no one looks cool in them. Officially, no. But what do white people pull off? Call in if you have the answer to this. 866-969-1969. If you could think of something that white people look cooler in than black people.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, cooler. I just think.

[Bobby Kelly]

I guess technically, I would say probably overall. Overall. Too vague. Too vague. But tattoos?

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, depends on the tattoos.

[Bobby Kelly]

It depends on the tone of black. Also the shade of black. It does make a big difference because.

[Big J Okerson]

There are some really cool, like Black.

[Bobby Kelly]

Lewis tattooed head to toe. You have no idea. Do you have any tattoos, by the way? It's all anti Jewish propaganda.

[Big J Okerson]

What the hell does. I'm trying to think. There's not much I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

By the way, some racist called in right away. The American flag. My wife. White guys wear my wife better than black guys.

[Big J Okerson]

What about equestrian gear?

[Bobby Kelly]

No. No one looks cool in it. Right? And black people would make that look cooler.

[Big J Okerson]

I wasn't even to say soccer, but look, it's.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's the same look. As simple as, like, what black people will do. That's amazing. If you just took the two guys, the main guys from Revenge of the Nerds, okay, Put those outfits on to just like handsome black guys. A lot of the thing was the fact that those guys were white and they put the dorky face, you know, their ugly faces. We haven't. The Edwards actually wasn't that ugly.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, even, like, think about Booger, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

He's just a gross dude. You know what I mean?

[Bobby Kelly]

But I'm saying if you put those dork clothes on, if Kid and Play was like, we're doing an homage tonight to the Revenge of the Nerds and they came out dressed in that, they would have. People would have been like, ah, it's so cool. They look cool, like dressed. They're in nerd clothes, but they're pulling it off. If they went to the club that night, like, oh, they're doing a thing and it looks kind of cool. Yeah. While that guy's distracting with the violin, turns out he's out there trying to suck your children's dicks on sets. Well, I don't think they're going to talk about the child rape. Probably not. Bus fell, dude. Huh? That guy Timothy Bus felt you don't want to talk about. You don't. You're upset about it.

[Big J Okerson]

No, I thought we were. I was still thinking.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now you're freaked out about it. Dude, you are 30 something head since day one.

[Big J Okerson]

Let's talk about it.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I know it freaks you out.

[Big J Okerson]

Dude, he's got a weird face.

[Bobby Kelly]

Huh? Okay. His face says, what? I'm gonna put your. I'm gonna put your little boy's wiener in my mouth.

[Big J Okerson]

He's got like.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's already been punched.

[Big J Okerson]

That's what I mean, dude. He's got like, after a boxing fight, cheeks.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you remember. Do you ever see Andre Clay's Brain Smasher? When he gives you the Brain Smasher and your eyes are smushing, he goes, oh, Brain Smasher. Timothy Bus was like, he got Brain Smasher.

[Big J Okerson]

He's got a mashed up face.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a brain smudger. Yeah. He looks like a. He looks like he's wearing Cowardly lion makeup.

[Big J Okerson]

He really looks like shit. That's exactly him.

[Bobby Kelly]

They told me I can't fuck boy. I'll suck your boy, P. I'll bite it right off. I will.

[Big J Okerson]

I bite it off.

[Bobby Kelly]

I will. I tell you.

[Big J Okerson]

Put them up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Put them up. Put them up.

[Big J Okerson]

Put them off.

[Bobby Kelly]

Get them out and put them up my butt.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, I'm touched. I'm gonna come. Yikes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Say it slower. Whisper in my ear. Oh, he doesn't look as cool there.

[Big J Okerson]

His wife is.

[Bobby Kelly]

Black guys, also, black guys pull off the prison outfit way better than white guys, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

It's just. They're better.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I'm telling you, it's simple. It's as simple as grunge clothes.

[Big J Okerson]

Nirvana. Nirvana. Do you look. Do white guys pull off looking like a scumbag better?

[Bobby Kelly]

Nope. Here's what. Not as far as looking cool as a scumbag. Here's the thing.

[Big J Okerson]

Everything looks better on black people.

[Bobby Kelly]

Everything. It's genuinely, I believe, an optical color thing. I think. Listen, I would. The reason I don't ever really try to wear anything that goes like deep neck on myself. Because it just goes to pasty white and then whiter where Places where sun doesn't hit that much. But if you're a black even, you know, like a fat black person, A fat black dude can wear way more clothes than a fat white dude can wear simply because polo shirt with a couple unbuttoned buttons undone. You're not looking for like that weird like pasty. It's gonna be dark.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. The interior white of like a polo shirt collar looks cool. It pops. Yeah. But on a pale pink fat dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's almost my point. If kid and play was wearing the revenge of the nerds clothes, those goofy short sleeve white shirt, it would pop on their fucking delicious silky chocolate skin. Chocolate. I'm gonna go look at the Wu Tang Clan again. Hey, if anybody needs me, I'll be masturbating in the lobby to a Wu Tang Clan.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, look, White Dave back.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey guys, it's White Dave. Don't mind me.

[Big J Okerson]

You guys remember me? White Dave from before.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's me, White Dave.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know if you guys remember me. First time, long time.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, it's me, White Dave. You guys remember from before?

[Big J Okerson]

I would say rock and roll shit too, but like living color proved that wrong.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, he wore a fucking wetsuit. He wore a wetsuit on stage. And a fucking. A conductor's jacket. Yes, yes. Went out there. I know it's not clothing, but when I see a black person in this, it bugs the fuck out of me. A Mini Cooper, Ford Mustang. It's not for us, really. It's just not. Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord.

[Big J Okerson]

It's a white person's thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Absolutely.

[Big J Okerson]

Ford Mustangs.

[Jacob]

Yes, I do want one.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. My.

[Jacob]

Sticks.

[Bobby Kelly]

What year?

[Jacob]

Well, like 65 to 70.

[Big J Okerson]

One time I went to Enterprise, Rent a car and they're like, we're going to upgrade you. And they gave me a red Mustang. And I felt like such a knob driving around in my red Mustang. Leaving Bradley Airport in Hartford in my Mustang at 11 o' clock at night.

[Bobby Kelly]

Lou, are these not all calls about what white people look cooler than black people? No, they are. Oh, they are. Okay. Some of them don't make sense. Other than number two. He just wants to talk about something. So. He wants to talk about a Kid Rock video he saw that he thinks you would love. Probably. I love everything the guy does.

[Christine]

You do.

[Bobby Kelly]

But before we jump though, I want to say that we don't have to take a lot of these here, but Eric in Boston says cowboy hats not necessarily true, dude. Some black. It's not across the board. It's not across the board. Almost any fucking NBA. Genuine NBA height. White guy does not look cool playing basketball at all, right? At all. None of his movements look cool.

[Big J Okerson]

Nobody.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just watched too. We just got diced up last night by the Portland Trailblazers with their Israeli star, Avdiya. Whatever the hell his name is. He put up 40 some points last night. Every point looked lamer than the last. I'm like, this guy's doing it, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

You want to know what's funny?

[Bobby Kelly]

I was going to say their dunks suck. Remember Brent Barry won the dunk contest because he had to. He had to jump from the half court line to win because it looked so dorky.

[Big J Okerson]

Dude. I was going to say golf, but I was just thinking about who won this weekend. Christine, can you look up Chris Goddarup? I was thinking, imagine, like compare this guy to Tiger, right? If you're going to be like, you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Know, there's a white guy who just won.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, he just won this weekend.

[Bobby Kelly]

No one made a core than Tiger because again, the polo shirt, when it's open, you have a few buttons open. It doesn't show your elderly old fucking gray chest hair coming out of your pink chest with your stupid fucking locket on.

[Big J Okerson]

And your golf shirt like, here, go, go. That's a. That's not a recent.

[Bobby Kelly]

That guy's not cool. He was molested by his father.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. No, his recent picture. He's a chubby dude and he's like, those shirts make your tit fat look worse. Golf shirts almost give you like an undershadow of like. Yeah, there's a frumpy.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's just some guy.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Just a forgettable.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah, there it is.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at that. That doesn't. That's not like you're not putting that on like a stitching of a shirt. You know what I'm saying?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Nobody in the world can pull off bowling shoes. I'll say that.

[Jacob]

Sweating through the. See the darker black.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

He's got ring around the belly.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's got body sweats.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Black bowling.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bowling shoes don't look good on anybody with any outfit at all whatsoever.

[Big J Okerson]

That was a thing for a minute with like the, you know, alien ant farm fucking dork rock. Remember like the shit that fucking we hate to wear to wear at school and shit.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bowling shoes.

[Big J Okerson]

Kids who wore bowling shoes to school.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like all over the place.

[Big J Okerson]

The hardcore kids that would. Not hardcore music, but like the kids that like Loved. Is that even what it was? It was like dorky emo. They'd wear like Burger King crowns and like bowling shoes.

[Bobby Kelly]

I never seen anyone wear bowling shoes for style. Except Ari Shafir just stole a pair with me.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, that's against my will. In his own.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was an accomplice at stealing bowling shoes.

[Big J Okerson]

A couple kids wore those in school for sure. But you're right. Maybe bowling shoes might be the thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

No bowling shoes. Don't look. It's not the. I'm talking about what do white people wear? That looks cool. That doesn't look cool. No white people are cool in bowling shoes either.

[Big J Okerson]

Loafers. Boat shoe loafers.

[Bobby Kelly]

Black people pull that off. Cooler. For sure again. Here you go.

[Big J Okerson]

No socks.

[Bobby Kelly]

You do loafers? No socks. Some short. Some short pants or whatever it is. You don't have to wear socks because again, your foot is a dark color. That looks good going into the thing. Not a weird, peachy, fleshy G of white.

[Big J Okerson]

White people suck.

[Bobby Kelly]

White people suck. Dude, you heard of your first. We're doing the reverse Anthony Kumia show.

[Big J Okerson]

Damn it. Black people are fantastic.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, black people were so great. We should also open the borders.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I definitely think you're right about bowling for sure. Look at a pink shirt. Even a pink shirt pops on black.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's got.

[Big J Okerson]

It's just like I saw a dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

What do white people. Is there. Let's take. Let's take just clothes out of it maybe. What can they. What do they do? What do white people do? Cooler. The motions. Complain that their motions are better than black people's ad at it. Swimming.

[Big J Okerson]

Got it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow.

[Bobby Kelly]

That might be it.

[Big J Okerson]

DJ Lou for the win.

[Bobby Kelly]

That might be it.

[Big J Okerson]

Only because not a lot of black.

[Bobby Kelly]

People swim because they're afraid of the water.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, even you like white. White people age. I've been looking at people at like in their aging spots. Like looking at like a. Like anybody talking. And they're like turkey neck and their gross cheeks and hair coming out of their nose.

[Bobby Kelly]

Disgusting piece of disgusting.

[Jacob]

Gross.

[Big J Okerson]

Like almost dead scumbag. Yeah, black people don't have that as bad.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I mean, they do. It just looks wise. Yeah, White stories, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

White hair.

[Bobby Kelly]

By the way, if. I mean, if I meet a 50 year old black person with gray hair, I want to ask him about slavery and it's like, I'm 50. I'm two years older than you. Like, man, what was it like?

[Big J Okerson]

It's like, dude, you drove me to school.

[Bobby Kelly]

I remember when they blew me out.

[Big J Okerson]

Of that school with a fire Hose Cornel West. He's an older dude with white hair. He looks cool with white hair. I would look like with white hair.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. If that looks like Doc Brown. If a white person conducted themselves dress wise and outfits wise and hair and teeth wise the way Cornel west does, we call him a lunatic and we get him out of that school. But Cornell pulls it off because you know why he looks wise? It looks like that's what Ice Cube's character in Higher Learning grew up to be.

[Big J Okerson]

He's like a black Bernie Sanders.

[Bobby Kelly]

They try to take you and use your talents.

[Big J Okerson]

He's great.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then fuck you over on your money.

[Big J Okerson]

So you say Corvettes. What about bicycles?

[Bobby Kelly]

Mustangs.

[Big J Okerson]

Mustangs.

[Bobby Kelly]

Mustangs.

[Big J Okerson]

What about bicycles?

[Bobby Kelly]

White people don't look cool on it either.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm just throwing. I'm spitballing.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know. So when I think about it, I'm giving you a thing. That's how the back and forth works.

[Big J Okerson]

I know how back and forth works. I feel like you don't skateboards.

[Bobby Kelly]

I can't see these things now.

[Big J Okerson]

Ray Barbie was a great black skateboarder. He was fantastic.

[Christine]

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[Bobby Kelly]

And Long Island's got a good one. Clan hoods. Sure. But I'll tell you what, you can't. Not true.

[Big J Okerson]

You don't know who's who.

[Bobby Kelly]

It doesn't matter. You don't know who's who. It goes back with our point, Jason. I understand why you'd say clan hoods. Sure. Definitely. It is a style invented by the white. I'll give that to you. And maybe we perfected the style itself. We could take all the credit for that, all that stuff. But you peek through little bright white holes in a sheet, it's gonna. It's gonna pop more and look better if it's black face under. If it's black skin under it. Absolutely true. Hey, yeah, there you go. There's Kanye west wearing a clan mask. It already looks cooler than any other clan mask I've ever seen. And I thought some were really cool, Mike.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, well, see, what's funny, too, is, like, ripped arms coming out of it instead of, like, flabby, like, hillbilly arms.

[Bobby Kelly]

Even if. Though I still think it's going to be. Yeah, black's going to look better in a clan mask. Sorry. Was the Scott. Was that Scott from Long Island?

[Big J Okerson]

Adolf. Hey, here's one. What about tie dye?

[Bobby Kelly]

Adolf from Long Island?

[Big J Okerson]

What about tie dye?

[Bobby Kelly]

No white person looks cool in tie dye. Not a one.

[Big J Okerson]

Not one. No bell bottoms.

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Big J Okerson]

Lenny Kravitz did bell bottoms Pretty great.

[Bobby Kelly]

So did Kendrick Lamar. Just did bell bottoms last year and pulled it off.

[Big J Okerson]

Those were weird looking bell bottoms.

[Bobby Kelly]

Would you say that night that he'd have a hard time getting pussy or anything because he doesn't look cool as shit?

[Big J Okerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Thank you.

[Big J Okerson]

But I was just giving you a little bit of back and forth. I don't. Maybe you don't know how the fuck that works. How about just a gray sweatsuit? Footy pajamas. You got footy pajamas at home?

[Bobby Kelly]

But do white people look cool in them? Cooler. White people would not look cooler in footy pajamas than black. I don't think so.

[Big J Okerson]

Lou said that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why do you think we're covering up our disgusting white skin? Yeah, I don't. Just feel like you pull it off better. We like sneakers. We like shoes. Footy pajamas.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, but still no one looks cool in them.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nobody looks cool. I said white people look. So black people just by default are gonna look cooler. And if no one looks cool in it, black people are gonna look cooler in it. So now that's why I'm trying to get out of that. I'm trying to get into motion now. Like, what are the motions of something? I mean, maybe white people look cooler driving a boat. That's what I'm trying to say. Things like this.

[Big J Okerson]

Jet skis.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't think I've ever seen black people do that.

[Big J Okerson]

Water ski. Let's stick to the. Yeah. Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

So we're trying to get black people out of the equation completely here. We're on the seas now.

[Big J Okerson]

Surfing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Got you fishing.

[Big J Okerson]

Fishing.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's an Asian man's job. No one looks cool fishing. Dude. Look how fucking dope that fisherman looks. No one's ever said that.

[Big J Okerson]

I bet bucket hats are probably even cooler on. On a black dude than a white dude. Bucket hats.

[Bobby Kelly]

Way cooler on a black dude.

[Big J Okerson]

I know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Way cooler.

[Big J Okerson]

We suck.

[Bobby Kelly]

We definitely just can't pull anything off. Good. DJ Lou looks super cool in his little cabbie cap over there. It looks cool. It's a cool look for him. What about if Black Lou just put it on? It would just be cooler immediately.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. And he could do like. He can put. He can only wear it one way, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Also, though. Yeah. But Black Lou. Yes. Black Luke could wear different ways now. He's not allowed to let black. If people let black blue try his hat on, his parents would roll over in their graves. So he can't do that. But just know that Black Lou would look pretty cool in that.

[Jacob]

That's true.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go back to the phone lines. Christine. So I could see them. Please.

[Big J Okerson]

What about basketball jerseys?

[Bobby Kelly]

Nobody this days look cool in it but black people, 100%. That's particularly because even if you were a white kid that had a tan, the basketball jersey now shows that you've tanned in your T shirt. Now you got pink top arm and tan bottom arm. And your pasty white neck going into your burnt face. It's. None of it's good.

[Big J Okerson]

You got passenger side arm. One arm's tanner than the other.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll tell you something. I think I found the video where I think I found the answer. I think I found the motherfucking answer. Who? I'm gonna go to him right now and let him say it to you. This is great. Jeff in California. Last person I'm gonna take a phone call from on this. Because he got the answer.

[Jacob]

Really?

[Bobby Kelly]

Jeff, you there?

[Jacob]

Hello?

[Bobby Kelly]

Hi, Jeff. You're on the bonfire. Pull up a log chair and sit by the bonfire. We're working on it. Working on that, Jeff. Go on What?

[Big J Okerson]

You know, the old lob chair.

[Bobby Kelly]

What looks cooler? What looks cooler on white people. That doesn't look cool at all on black people ever. Drum roll, please. Straight hair. Straight hair. Who? No black guy has ever done straight hair when it wasn't a joke. It has never not happened to be a joke. Or in between somethings. And when it's in between somethings, it's the worst they ever look.

[Big J Okerson]

What the hell?

[Bobby Kelly]

You can only look like you're gay.

[Big J Okerson]

Andre. Andre 3000.

[Bobby Kelly]

You can only. Right. It looks terrible. That doesn't look cool at all.

[Big J Okerson]

No, it doesn't.

[Bobby Kelly]

He doesn't look cool in that video.

[Big J Okerson]

And it was a joke.

[Bobby Kelly]

It doesn't. Cat Williams. That part is never look cool. That stupid hair.

[Big J Okerson]

That's a smart. What a great answer.

[Bobby Kelly]

Pull off the permed long straight hair as a gangster and it just looked fucking terrible. It's ridiculous. Straight fucking hair.

[Big J Okerson]

Go down to that one. That guy right there.

[Jacob]

The.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, the Black Train. A Stasio. Look at him. He looks like. Those glasses don't work either.

[Bobby Kelly]

But none of it. The whole thing's wrong. He nailed it. That is great.

[Big J Okerson]

That's great.

[Bobby Kelly]

But guys. By the way. By the way, the answer.

[Big J Okerson]

Holy shit.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow. And by the way, this set. Even this though. This is how cool black people are. How cool they are. Is that even in this situation? It's only for the guys.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Cause black chicks look fantastic with long straight hair. Most of them spend most of their lives covering up their regular hair so they could put on some fake of that.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Which brings me to my next subject. The baddies. We're digging into the baddies. Big dig pretty soon.

[Big J Okerson]

Great answer.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's fantastic. And straight hair. Black Lou, do you agree with that? 100 agree with that. It was a great answer.

[Big J Okerson]

Has there ever been a time where you considered straight hair?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, the only time I considered it was when you were in Cab Calloway's band.

[Big J Okerson]

You're playing the plunger trumpet.

[Bobby Kelly]

It just helps with cornrows. If you want your cornrows to be longer, sometimes they suggest that you permit and then put it into the cornrows and it'll be longer. Yeah, no, I totally get that. That's the way to probably to do it and you should do it and when. That's what you see a lot of times black dudes when they have that it's an in between thing. But maybe there's nothing that looks cooler than really cool and good cornrows on a black dude. And maybe nothing that looks less cool than them being almost done. Not done or beginning to happen.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

It is the worst look. The hair is so stupid looking when it's fucking. Wish Nick trolled out.

[Big J Okerson]

It's very weird. It's very weird. I was gonna say mustache. I was gonna say mustache for a second, but then no. Carl Weathers got the best mustache ever.

[Bobby Kelly]

Mustache helps white people a lot more than black people, I think because he's.

[Big J Okerson]

Got me thinking hair now and I'm kind of like going through like.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I'm saying like mustache is a big, big thing for like. I don't know if it makes or breaks a lot of black dudes. It makes facial hair makes or breaks. So many white dudes never see the.

[Big J Okerson]

Videos of like a parent shaves their face and the kid freaks the fuck out. Grow that shit back.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was a good example of that. Quentin Grimes player on the Sixers. Guy looks like a fucking model. He's got a. Was 5 o' clock good 5 o' clock shadow beards in NBA 2K. They make him sans beard. Goofball.

[Big J Okerson]

No kidding.

[Bobby Kelly]

Goofball looking guy. That beard does everything. Looks like fucking genuine with that beard.

[Big J Okerson]

What about sideburns? Is there a black guy with sideburns?

[Bobby Kelly]

Sure. Who remember a fucking Shaq used to just have sideburns. He shaved his head and had sideburns.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh my God, you're right. Ludacris had him too for a while with the Big When. When he had a huge. But white dude's like a Jason Priestley sideburn. We're Talking like, what looks better?

[Bobby Kelly]

You're talking about a ninth. Like a. Like a 90210 sideburn.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, that might be like a. That. That could be. That could sidecar some straight hair.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, the thing was, when the sideburn was happening, that was. The white people started growing their hair down and then black people started shaving off their middle hair and letting the top grow really high. We grew it down. The whites grew their hair down their face and the blacks grew it up.

[Jacob]

You remember Jamie Foxx, how bad he looked in The Spider Man 3? They gave him like a combover.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jacob]

Really horrific.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, my God. So, yeah, you know what?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

How white people look horrible. Like a comb over. That definitely would not look as good or look sillier.

[Bobby Kelly]

A combo on a black guy.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. But black guys probably react much better. Black guy hair has much better reaction to, like, you could just spray paint your head, basically.

[Big J Okerson]

That's crazy. And I know you're right. Like, I've seen that.

[Bobby Kelly]

There was a guy outside today that I was signing autographs for. That half of his hair, I think was paint.

[Jacob]

Yeah, yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

That was wearing out, huh?

[Bobby Kelly]

It was coming off.

[Jacob]

They gave him straight hair and a comb over.

[Bobby Kelly]

Who's this?

[Jacob]

Jamie Foxx and Spider Man.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah, Yeah. A straight hair with a comb over.

[Big J Okerson]

Yikes.

[Bobby Kelly]

They really just gave him like a white person's haircut. Like an impossibility, actually, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

I think so.

[Bobby Kelly]

He would need the electricity that took to make him electro, to make his hair do what it was doing before he was electro.

[Big J Okerson]

I think about if I let my hair grow and I had to do a comb over. The nerve of me to try to have sex with my wife with a comb over. Like, how do you look at that and go, that's hot. How could a woman look at me with a comb over and go like, I am wet?

[Bobby Kelly]

They see past it. No, someone does.

[Big J Okerson]

Dudes with comb overs or dudes with.

[Bobby Kelly]

Comb overs get pussy. Dude. Melania Trump's fucking Donald Trump, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

No, she ain't.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't think so.

[Big J Okerson]

No, she ain't.

[Bobby Kelly]

You think he's never dunked his dude on there?

[Big J Okerson]

No, he has not anymore.

[Bobby Kelly]

Because he don't want to now.

[Big J Okerson]

No, she's. No way.

[Bobby Kelly]

What are you talking about? They just made a documentary. So she's the best.

[Big J Okerson]

She's got other going.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is there. Is there a trailer for that documentary? Yeah, I haven't seen. Yeah, Jamie Foxx. What the dude do that? Why was he in a fire?

[Jacob]

The casting choice for this One.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm sorry, y'. All. I was in a fire.

[Big J Okerson]

There is. There is a trailer for Melania.

[Bobby Kelly]

I haven't seen it yet.

[Big J Okerson]

Let's watch it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is it good?

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, no.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is it a documentary? I don't know what it is. Or is it a biopic? It's like a. It's a doc. But it's made by her.

[Big J Okerson]

It's made by her and the guy who. Well, like, bezos gave like $40 million to make it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know, but he gave them money to make it. That's what I'm saying. It's. Then it really probably would be pretty terrible.

[Big J Okerson]

No, it's like Parting the Red Sea.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's hurt. I check out right away when the person's involved too much. It was like, there's a new documentary on Netflix. It's like, I am Gordon Ramsay and say the Gordon Ramsay story, where it's like exposed and just like, shows him. It's like, oh, it's gonna be by him. So it's all like, here's what I want.

[Big J Okerson]

You like Ramsey Co Productions.

[Bobby Kelly]

No one's going to ask how hard hitting he goes, you used to have a problem with prostitutes, didn't you? It's like. Well, yeah, that was a different. He's not going to. It's not going to be like that. He's going to be like. And then I cooked. Great. And then I yelled at people and they loved it.

[Big J Okerson]

I hate that. Self indulgent.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is this Melania? Brett Melania and this guy right here, Brett Ratner. Director.

[Big J Okerson]

He's the director, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

No. Brett Ratner made this documentary.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Shut up. Yeah.

[Jacob]

Come back.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

No way.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, dude, Epstein's gone. This is an Epstein production.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, Brett Ra had accusations on him a bunch. He was like, parties, right? Where parties it is. That's were always a thing. And isn't he the one that. Lindsay Lohan or something, Right. Was like. He was like abusive to her, like.

[Big J Okerson]

But I think it was him or.

[Bobby Kelly]

She came to his house in the middle of the night, like, freaking out or something because he kicked her out or cheating. Doesn't this picture just make you think it's all true? What, just Epstein?

[Jacob]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that. The Epstein thing's all true.

[Christine]

Everything he did's all true.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, probably. Or at least most of it. Here's the thing. All of this, I mean, that picture right there is so damning, obviously, to snuggle it up with, like fucking teenage girls. But the thing is.

[Big J Okerson]

And you know what's hilarious is he's literally Looking down the camera. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's like, take a picture of us. That is the. I may have said this on skanks, but that is, to me, the craziest, realest thing about seeing though the files come out is those emails from people. You know, I was definitely sitting on skanks yesterday. But it's like, you think there'd be some kind of codes or anything from these people. Some of the smartest and biggest, like, most important people in the world. But it'll be like, he goes, ooh. He goes, is that girl there? Is she super pretty? Will she play with my penis? Noam Chomsky. It's like, fucking. It's crazy. Elon Musk sounds like a retard. He's like. Elon Musk is like, oh, I want to go on the plane. And you guys hear. He's too dumb in his genius to see that their message back to him was like, oh, shit, buddy. I thought. I thought he was calling you. And then we thought he was calling you. So we went, but, dude, next time for sure goes, you promise? Because I like pretty girls. I like pretty underage girls.

[Big J Okerson]

I want to go to the craziest party ever. That's what he said in one of these.

[Bobby Kelly]

But they all. They talk like fucking children about this.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like getting pussy. Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

I like her a lot. JCPenney.

[Bobby Kelly]

No shit. It's wild. Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

It's totally insane, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

We're all babies here. It was like, yeah. Because will she kiss me? Would she kiss me on my penis? I love being kissed on my penis. Deepak Chopra. Those are two real names that were in there. Yeah. People are really upset.

[Big J Okerson]

He's like, will there be snacks? Chris Christie. Will there be snacks? All he cares about is food. He's like, are you gonna have those little microwavable pizzas? Chris Christie.

[Christine]

Hunter Biden is not mentioned.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's like. He loved adult women.

[Big J Okerson]

Adult women.

[Bobby Kelly]

Crack.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Is this BYO crack?

[Bobby Kelly]

Adult hookers, they said that's what. That's what the expo. The exposing is hitting me. It's not even the people. Because I don't give a. About Noam Chomsky or Deepak Chopra. I don't give a. And nothing about me would think that they weren't creeps. Maybe it's not. It's not a shock to my system at all, is my point.

[Big J Okerson]

Right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just the reality that's like, there's some part of you still thinks this was, like, a minuscule part of his life and dealings where it seems like 99 of his existence. Was organizing and setting up and getting teenage pussy and underage for him and important people only.

[Big J Okerson]

Only.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then once in a while he's like, I'm speaking at a school. Yeah. Honestly, he's like, buy low, sell high. Anyway, I gotta go.

[Big J Okerson]

Keep reaching for the stars. Have your pets better than neutered.

[Bobby Kelly]

People are saying he's actually just like a secretary.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. He's like, be kind. Rewind, rinse, repeat. Gotta go floss twice a day.

[Bobby Kelly]

And it's just something about this guy just must have, like, the gift of, like, whatever it is that, like. Because, by the way, pulled it off for so long.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, the thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

So long. Even in the age of the Internet, he pulled it off. So it's like the thing that blows.

[Big J Okerson]

Me away is like, when he sees a mark, right? When he sees, like, a potential client, let's say a new actor, the newest, hottest actor.

[Bobby Kelly]

Timothy Chalamet. Let's accuse him.

[Big J Okerson]

Timothy Chalamet. How does he, like. Does he have an approach to, like. How do you bring that up in conversation, Tim?

[Bobby Kelly]

First question, I guess is important. Do you even like chicks? You do? Okay. How old do you like them?

[Big J Okerson]

He goes, kill Fuck Mary.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, fuck Mary. Kill Pippi Longstocking.

[Big J Okerson]

The Wendy's girl.

[Bobby Kelly]

The Wendy's girl. And the baby on the COVID of the Nervous. On a Never mind album.

[Big J Okerson]

The Gerber baby. Teddy Ruxpin.

[Jacob]

Who else was.

[Big J Okerson]

How do you break into that? How do you find out that you're, you know, like, hey, you got.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I know what you mean. Exactly. How do you get. Thing goes. It goes. It's got to be.

[Big J Okerson]

How do you cold call.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's got to be. I want to hear the stories of the 3,000 guys who have the story that didn't bite on it. And then had to think back later. He goes, oh, wait. Because that night I was making the thing. I was like, yeah. When I. When I told him that when I was younger, I got a prostitute, and he goes, well, you know, God said to me, if you're willing to pay, you can get anything. You can get, you know, ethnic girls, underage girls. And then he laughed and I never took it, you know? I mean. Oh, I guess that's like my. That was my moment to be, like, underage. Really? They do that?

[Big J Okerson]

Yep. And then. And then Epstein went home and went to salesforce.com and, like, moved him to the no sale.

[Bobby Kelly]

But the back and forth is so funny. He goes, yeah, you can get anything if you really want. If you have enough money, you can get drugs. Women, underage pussy like that. And he goes, underage pussy? He goes, I know, right? Isn't that gross? He goes, isn't that weird? Yeah, it's disgusting. They do that? Yeah, I think it's gross too.

[Big J Okerson]

It's a sick world we live in.

[Bobby Kelly]

Abort. He goes, abort. Fucked up, huh? They do that? He goes, yeah, it is really fucked up. What do they charge for some crazy ass fucked up shit like that?

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know, but I'm sure if I knew it would be 5,000 an hour.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I bet they probably have a new girl just flew in from Istanbul and she's really confused and lost and needs help in the world and she.

[Big J Okerson]

Might just be standing right next to you. I'm gonna leave you two to talk about it.

[Bobby Kelly]

He goes, fucking disgusting, right? He goes, I know, it makes me sick. I'll see you in an hour if you got Zell. I'll see you an hour if that.

[Big J Okerson]

If that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine tells me I'm all sold out in Fort Worth except the Sunday show, which is 6pm so get a ticket, we'll be out early. It's gonna be fine.

[Big J Okerson]

What time's the Sunday show?

[Bobby Kelly]

We're all gonna be six, I think.

[Big J Okerson]

Whoa, really?

[Bobby Kelly]

That's what it said? Yeah. What time is it? Christina's day up there?

[Big J Okerson]

Comedy. When it's still light out. Weird.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. It won't be light out.

[Big J Okerson]

Six o' clock in Texas.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hmm.

[Big J Okerson]

Buddy. What? It'll be bright in Texas. Stars at night are big and bright.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, because the stars maybe. But it'll be dark out deep in.

[Big J Okerson]

The heart of Texas.

[Bobby Kelly]

6:00Pm 6:00pm it gets dark at like 5.

[Big J Okerson]

Now you're out of your mind. Why Texas is different.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not though.

[Big J Okerson]

It is.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's part of the US.

[Big J Okerson]

Would you turn British for a second? It's not though.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not though. It's not it.

[Big J Okerson]

Definitely. What time does it get dark in Texas?

[Jacob]

Well, the show starts at 6.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, show starts at 6 o'. Clock.

[Jacob]

So then he'll go on later.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, but still it'll be dark when the show starts.

[Big J Okerson]

Do you want to make it interesting?

[Bobby Kelly]

What time's the sun set this Sunday?

[Big J Okerson]

6:15.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no, that's not typical. Go.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, now we're talking. Typical. Here we go with the add ons.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, look, it's right there. Nope, this is fine. I was hoping it would come like this. No, it's fine. I was hoping it would go this way.

[Big J Okerson]

6:11. Jay, look, look, look.

[Christine]

6:11.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's this Sunday Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I win.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's dark. No, it's not.

[Big J Okerson]

That's when the sun goes friggin down.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, that's when it's down.

[Big J Okerson]

No, that's What? So at 6:10 they count when it's down at 6:10. It's fucking still up, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it's not up.

[Big J Okerson]

It goes behind the horizon.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's still light out is what you're saying.

[Big J Okerson]

So 11 minutes, the sun's gone. It takes light. So you're telling me like, are you guys ready for a good show tonight? I can't hear you. It's fucking light out.

[Bobby Kelly]

During the video, the opening video. Care about that?

[Big J Okerson]

When they're showing Pablo Francisco, buddy, it's. It's gonna be, it's comedy when it's laid out.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think I've done it. I did it, buddy. I've done recently, you know, I did a 3:30 show and a 4:00 clock show back to back weekends on Saturday. That's light out.

[Big J Okerson]

That is, that's light out. When I was. Dude, when Sebastian brought me to open for him a couple times, we did Bananas in Hasbrouck Heights and they added shows but they kept adding them earlier. So we did like a two o' clock or some shit.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey Mike, we got a show at 11am why would I do that?

[Big J Okerson]

You're wearing sunglasses.

[Bobby Kelly]

95% door deal.

[Big J Okerson]

They all got cans of Sanka for me. But dude, that was like. The hotel wall was all glass. Yeah, so it was fucking bright, dude. It was like actual bright in the room. That's weird. That's the first time I ever had to do comedy where I was like seeing people's face.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, it sucks. Daytime comedy, I mean, it's fine. Once you're in the club and it's happening, it's fine. People are also like wide awake. They're not that trashed usually at that time. So it's, there's plenty of good about it.

[Big J Okerson]

Sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's the, you know, it's the mental manipulation. That's what I had to do with when I did my first special ever, the Webster hall, when my first hour was, you know, you were there for that. But it was. I was talking to a Sunday.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I know, I remember that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was talking to a Sunday and I was like, I don't know. But then they was like giving you all the good things about Sunday goes. Well, people usually aren't like hammered coming to that, you know, they do have to work the next day. Do you know what I mean? A lot of people do have to work the next day. So they come at whatever we're doing them earlier, you know, so it's like, it'll be good. And it was.

[Big J Okerson]

It was no football season either, was there? I don't think so. I don't think it was during football season.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was like a week after the Super Bowl. Yeah, I think it was February 14th, but yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

No, no, no, it wasn't.

[Bobby Kelly]

Fantastic.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, it was after the. It was after the Super Bowl. I remember that for sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

And it was. It ended up being a good thing.

[Big J Okerson]

I'll tell you what, one of the really fun moments of like being in New York was going in, like touring all the potential venues with you because we got to see some real behind the scenes shit of some fucking awesome place.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dog Belly is my worst special for sure. The one I did a skank fest because, like, it was just. I got talked into doing it in the afternoon. It sucked.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, well, afternoon.

[Bobby Kelly]

It just sucked. The energy was just wrong for it.

[Big J Okerson]

So it was hot and weird.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just wasn't good.

[Big J Okerson]

But that was cool to go check out, like the underbelly of a lot of these, like, cool, iconic New York City.

[Bobby Kelly]

Remember we were at Webster Hall. They were like, oh, you want to see the thing we just found? I guess we just knocked this wall down there. 15 Tiffany lamps back here. I guess this is Al Capone's old thing.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. We got a tour.

[Bobby Kelly]

They said it so casually, like, I guess where Al Capone kept all Tiffany lamps. I don't know.

[Jacob]

I didn't know that.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, they go, do you want to check out Al Capone speakeasy? And like we went down there and they had Tiffany.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was behind a wall. Like they've knocked the wall down and there was a, like, hang in there with like Tiffany lamps. Wild.

[Big J Okerson]

Awesome, dude. Yeah. It looked like a scene from the Sting. Like it was really badass back there. And then they said they put one of the lamps in the hangout room and someone it up or stole it or broke it.

[Bobby Kelly]

And they just keep it preserved.

[Big J Okerson]

They keep it all back there and.

[Bobby Kelly]

They don't use it as a speakeasy. It's just like, they just show people it. When you come, if you're gonna do a special, they'll show it to you.

[Big J Okerson]

It's like, it's like a museum of old beer. Like a Spuds mackenzie, a Zima Wolf. Like all types of Kathy Ireland. Elvira for the.

[Bobby Kelly]

But like Kathy Ireland, hold up. What do you think? If you had to guess, she actually.

[Jacob]

Does look pretty good. I think I saw her.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah. And looks all right for her age.

[Jacob]

She looks pretty damn good.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, you know what happened to Denise Richards is crazy sad.

[Big J Okerson]

She had split hot dog lip.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's crazy, dude. She got jelly roll teeth.

[Big J Okerson]

You know who holds up is Brooke Burke. She looks really good for her age.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, it's always gonna be for age. I see evil gore in all our commercials. Kathy Iron. Yeah, she's. Man, it is just fucking time though, huh? God damn, man.

[Big J Okerson]

Dude. Yeah, that was a bad one.

[Bobby Kelly]

What the fuck happened? Now she's an old black woman. What's that picture? Oh, look at.

[Big J Okerson]

She's on a lobster boat with his.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that her husband? You know, that's the. Too. These supermodels, if you just wait it out, they end up with some guy or you're like this.

[Big J Okerson]

Look at his shorts.

[Bobby Kelly]

And he's like. And by the way, he's like, I don't care. He's like, I'm. He goes. In his mind, he's just Kathy Ireland.

[Big J Okerson]

Totally, dude. He hits his buddies when. When they're like, she's still. When she walks away, he's like, that's Kathy Ireland, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, look at. He goes, this is my husband. Just some guy named Buck.

[Big J Okerson]

Look at it. I'm teaching him how to tie a knot.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. She goes, oh, God, could you imagine? I'm with Kathy Ireland. You just come over and see her in her frumpy sweats with her ill shaped ass. Now her fucking mom. Pussy. God damn it, Jacob. You were wrong. She looks horrible. Brooke Burke looks good.

[Jacob]

Maybe it was a few years ago.

[Bobby Kelly]

Does she look good? Well, bring up Brooke Burke. I could tear her apart too. I bet I'll find some flaws. Yeah, you think Brooke Burke's gotta bring up Brooke Burke? Bat her up. Who else you think looks good? Catherine Zeta Jones. I'll nail that pig to the wall too.

[Jacob]

For a 67 year old, she. Susanna Hoffs.

[Big J Okerson]

Look at Brooke Burke.

[Jacob]

Wow, she. She looks pretty damn good.

[Big J Okerson]

She looks pretty effing great. You want her legs are kind of tone.

[Jacob]

What are you talking about?

[Bobby Kelly]

Listen, she looks pretty great except her face. No, what are you talking about, dude?

[Big J Okerson]

What are you talking about?

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, she's got. Are you. Are you kidding me?

[Big J Okerson]

She's got the same face she always had.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, you can write fucking five line poem double spaced on her forehead.

[Big J Okerson]

MLA format.

[Bobby Kelly]

In 17 Helvecta Times New Roman 12.

[Big J Okerson]

Dude. I mean, yes, okay, fine, but she.

[Bobby Kelly]

Looks like a glamorous lady. But I'm telling you, there is a Crazy amount of real estate on that forehead. Eyebrows to hairline. What's going on?

[Big J Okerson]

Is that what they call five head?

[Jacob]

I'll give you another one. Heather Graham.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm gonna say probably not.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna say not too, and I'll tell you why, too. Blondes. Christine pointed out years ago, and she's right. They age with the sun. Like the sun just takes them apart. It eventually burns them into a squiggly.

[Jacob]

Yeah, that's great.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, you're wrong.

[Jacob]

Not really.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yep. You think it's roller girl? Dude, look what she has to do to keep that mom bod.

[Big J Okerson]

She says she's gonna be roller chair.

[Jacob]

She never had kids, huh? She did not have kids.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, so her tight.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, she's not bad. She looks good.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, she's a pretty lady. She's a pretty lady.

[Big J Okerson]

She's a pretty lady.

[Bobby Kelly]

Someone you were talking about was a smoking hot chick at one point.

[Big J Okerson]

She was rolling.

[Bobby Kelly]

Children gone.

[Big J Okerson]

What about you know who's in, you know who's in show? Neve Campbell's in something new. How'd she hold up?

[Bobby Kelly]

She was ugly always.

[Big J Okerson]

No, she wasn't. Yeah, no, she was hot in that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Weird, like, wild things.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nah, nah, I didn't like it. Never liked Neve Campbell. She was on a show called Catwalk. I watched when I was younger, and she was ugly in that, too.

[Big J Okerson]

You crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, you never saw Catwalk.

[Big J Okerson]

You never saw Catwalk.

[Jacob]

She looked like a boy next to Denise Richards.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, Denise Richards is different.

[Bobby Kelly]

Neve Campbell's like your. It's like your fat friend. Neve Campbell's like your fat friend's little sister who you let suck your dick when you're both teenagers if you have.

[Big J Okerson]

A crush on her. One night in the summer and it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Was all you could think of?

[Big J Okerson]

Yes, totally.

[Bobby Kelly]

I had that with a freckly, ugly, ginger girl named Meredith. She was just the girl at my friend's trailer park camping site.

[Big J Okerson]

That's hilarious, dude. I had.

[Bobby Kelly]

And there was like, some dance. There was just Meredith, and I was just like, ed. The whole world was Meredith that night. And then as soon as you get away, you're like, God, she was rancid looking.

[Big J Okerson]

The whole world was Meredith that night. I know exactly what you mean.

[Bobby Kelly]

Meredith, you are my whole world right now.

[Big J Okerson]

Meredith, I don't want to put this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Kind of pressure on you, but you're everything to me.

[Big J Okerson]

I just died in your arms tonight. One Halloween, I went trick or treating with my cousin and this chick that was in his grade, and I just we started holding hands in the dark. I didn't even. And I'm like, oh, my God. Tonight and every night is Erica. And we kissed behind the shed. And she didn't know how to kiss. She went like that. Like the fucking lady in Kingpin.

[Bobby Kelly]

God, you're so stupid. It's so hot.

[Jacob]

This is awful. I'm gonna call.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm too fat. People usually don't kiss.

[Big J Okerson]

I got candy in my teeth. Like, oh, my God, you already started.

[Bobby Kelly]

Everything was Meredith.

[Big J Okerson]

Everything was Meredith for a night.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, Meredith wasn't that super psyched back on me. And that's what hurt even more. Because you're like, I thought I was taking a shot down and going with ugly Meredith. But Meredith thought I was too fat and ugly. She flipped the script on me. She put the script on me. Meredith, you must have not read the script.

[Big J Okerson]

Meredith.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yo, Mary, you didn't read the script.

[Big J Okerson]

What about. I'm trying to think, who else is Meg Ryan looking? Whoa, look. Look who's prettier now?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, Neve Campbell for sure. Without even a question. Is that Neve Campbell right now? Yeah, she looks great. She's beautiful. She looks beautiful. No, that's what I'm saying.

[Big J Okerson]

Look who won marathon, not a sprint, ladies and gentlemen.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll tell you why it's the marathon is right. Because what Neve Campbell did was she looks like she at least didn't do a bunch of fucking shit to herself. Denise Richards is like, my whole thing is hot. My whole thing is hot, so I have to keep this hot. So as soon as her cheek bone doesn't look like it was, she has a doctor go put a cheekbone in. Yeah, it's everything.

[Big J Okerson]

They put a wish, a rotisserie wish.

[Bobby Kelly]

I need. I need different nose under my nose.

[Big J Okerson]

Dude, she looks like a puppet.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, she's crazy looking. She looks like madam.

[Big J Okerson]

My God, she looks horrible.

[Christine]

Dude, she looks so bad.

[Big J Okerson]

What happened?

[Bobby Kelly]

And by the way, that's a phenomenal picture of her. If you just see her like in life, she'll see a fucking corpse, man. Huh? Denise. Denise Richards. Yeah, I know.

[Big J Okerson]

I was trying to find the man.

[Bobby Kelly]

Kathy Ireland. What a bummer.

[Big J Okerson]

What about Elle McPherson?

[Bobby Kelly]

I bet she's not very good either.

[Big J Okerson]

Cuz the sun, that weird voodoo thing you said earlier, that tarot.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's not a blonde. Was she a blonde? Yeah, yeah, then it probably. Then the sun probably baked her fucking stupid face like a fucking.

[Big J Okerson]

Like a blueberry muffin.

[Bobby Kelly]

Goddamn muffin.

[Jacob]

But the British model that was in Austin Powers.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Jacob]

So gorgeous.

[Bobby Kelly]

Elizabeth Hurley.

[Big J Okerson]

Elizabeth Hurley. She's weird because she's hot, but not. Yeah, she looks fucking. Whoa. Is this her?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Fuck, man.

[Bobby Kelly]

What happened to the girl with you? I don't want to fall in love with you.

[Big J Okerson]

She looks like a. She looks like a ikea. Like a human ikea.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did anything happen to her? What was her name?

[Big J Okerson]

No.

[Jacob]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to fall in love with you.

[Jacob]

I don't know who that is.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Jacob]

Helena. Christian.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let me try it again.

[Christine]

No.

[Big J Okerson]

Wait. You gotta go a little deeper and then whole thing.

[Jacob]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you understand if I do like this? No. Does that do it?

[Big J Okerson]

What if I said like this?

[Bobby Kelly]

I did my speaking voice too and I went. Oh, go. Christ.

[Big J Okerson]

God damn it. Who's that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Time is a motherfucker. Who is that? Dude, that's.

[Big J Okerson]

No, really.

[Bobby Kelly]

Damn. You wouldn't write that song for now.

[Big J Okerson]

No, you go. No way.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, please. Holy man.

[Big J Okerson]

What about Elizabeth Hurley?

[Bobby Kelly]

Pam Anderson's the ultimate Elizabeth Hurley. Yeah. Remember this?

[Big J Okerson]

Yes, of course.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you can get to the Parker scene. What part? That's her.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I couldn't watch this video on my family. Turn it up.

[Jacob]

With you.

[Bobby Kelly]

With you.

[Big J Okerson]

Slide guitar scream.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wanna fall in love. Hey, what's going on over there? It's me, Trevor Noah. You know me. You don't know me.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, you do.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was worried there for a second. Well, if you know anything about me, you'll know. I love having interesting conversations. Conversations where we scratch beneath the surface, like what's really going on in the news? Or what is that celebrity really thinking about that scandal that they had? Or what's the worst way to be a parent? I mean, you want to find that out so you can be the best parent, right? Well, regardless of what it is, this podcast is all about figuring that out. Talking to interesting people who have interesting ideas that give us an interesting perspective on the world that we're living in. So check out what now with Trevor Noah. Available wherever you get your podcasts. Oh, joy.

[Big J Okerson]

Another day, another buzz delayed.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look on the bright side, you can finally catch up on podcasts. You don't mind running late.

[Christine]

What's your deal?

[Bobby Kelly]

What's my deal? I saved at Metro with no activation fees. I got one line of 5G for just $25 a month. Kept the phone I love and a 5 year price guarantee for my talk text and data.

[Christine]

Only $25. I'm going to Metro when we hop off.

[Bobby Kelly]

Get that more for your money feeling.

[Big J Okerson]

Only a Metro, but it mobile.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just bring your number. $30 first month and $25 after with auto pay price guarantee exceptions apply. CSI for details.