Dream Crushers

Summary

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The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: Dream Crushers
Date: July 29, 2026
Host: SiriusXM Faction Talk Channel 103
Summary by Podcast Summarizer

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Overview

This episode of "The Bonfire" is a classic, freewheeling session of blunt comedy and deep honesty, as Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly dig into their signature blend of stand-up camaraderie, storytelling, and parental angst. The theme, "Dream Crushers," centers on tough love, their own limitations as dads and sons, the truths of crushing versus nurturing their children's ambitions, and the complicated realities of growing up working-class. You'll find raw talk about parenting, school, sports, and the fine line between supporting a kid's dream and gently lowering their expectations.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Good News, Bad News – The Show Opens Without Jay (00:51)

• Robert Kelly handles the opening solo, explaining that Jay is stuck in "horrific traffic coming through the tunnel."
• Black Lou and Paco join in, lightly ribbing Robert about the studio pecking order in Jay’s absence.
  • "Do you look over at Jay and get the okay to turn your mic on?"
    — Robert Kelly (01:33)
• They discuss Jacob (producer, on vacation) and his ever-present morose demeanor:
  • "He always has the face like some best friend just died or an animal just died… He’s still alone with the family." — Robert Kelly (02:20)

2. Subway Values, Old New York, and Serendipity (05:02)

• Robert confesses to sneaking into the train when he sees the door open, reminiscing about the days of subway tokens and his Catholic guilt:
  • "I used to have just enough money… and I would take it to buy a chocolate covered pretzel, and then I had to walk 97 blocks home because I didn't have money for a token." — Robert Kelly (07:13)
• He connects a story of being too honest to jump a turnstile with fate guiding him to run into an old friend:
  • "If I had been a piece of shit and hopped the turnstile, I would have never saw Sam again… we rekindled our friendship." (08:01)

3. Jay Arrives: “Heroics” on the Waterfront (09:42)

• Jay bursts in, shaking off his commute with a tale:
  • "I get right before the Holland Tunnel, start hearing the girl screaming, ‘help, help, my sister.’ At the pier. One’s in the water… I yell ‘Turd in the punch bowl’… I built an audience of homeless and vagabonds. The Coast Guard did the saving, but my commitment to the bit is what made me late today." (10:00–11:55)
• The crew riff on the importance of "comedic heroics" versus real lifesaving:
  • "There'll always be somebody who's willing to jump in and save a kid in the water… but far be it from someone to get vagabonds and the homeless together." — Jay Oakerson (13:27)

Notable quote:

"Bigotry is the way, the pathway to peace. I think I read that."
— Robert Kelly (14:01)

4. Physical (and Comic) Limits: Subway Hopping and Athletic Failings (14:38–26:07)

• Both comics discuss their inability—physically, but also socially—to jump subway turnstiles.
• Jay tells a story about trying out for high school football as an overweight, under-motivated kid:
  • "I thought I could play offensive line, and I treated the playbook like a tray… Turns out it’s one of the most complicated positions." — Jay Oakerson (32:03)
  • Humiliation in sports leads to discussion of the difference in opportunities among school types.
• Lively banter comparing their gritty schools to expensive California high schools.
• Christine, the recurring show guest, describes her privileged-sounding "Miracosta High."

Memorable moment:

"My top running speed is the lowest for most people."
— Robert Kelly (16:26)

5. Dream-Crushing Dads: Telling Your Kid the Hard Truth (29:28–46:35)

The Jay v. X Factor Story (40:10+)

• Jay dissects a pivotal moment between him and his daughter, Isabella:
  • “Isabella says, ‘Mom says if I do [my chores], she’ll wait in line with me for the X Factor… So I could sing.’ I go, ‘You sing?’”
    — Jay Oakerson (40:10)
• Jay’s philosophy: Better to be honest early, rather than set up embarrassing failure.
  • "I said, let’s do singing lessons. When you’re ready in a few years, then we’ll go… Why waste time in line with delusional people who get mocked for B-roll on reality shows?" (44:08)
• Robert calls him a “dream crusher,” but Jay insists it’s compassion:
  • “It was fantastic parenting… I didn’t embarrass her on social media. I defeat her at home. Let’s see the swan that appears from my breakdown.” (47:54)
• Parental role models are compared via a viral video of a tough-love Asian dad; Jay says sometimes harshness breeds strength.

Notable quote:

"There is a fine line between lying and being inspiring."
— Robert Kelly (49:08)

6. Parenting Philosophy: Chasing Dreams, Accepting Limitations (47:59–53:55)

• Both hosts reflect on their own fathers, their children’s failures and strengths. They discuss recognizing when your kid isn’t destined for greatness—at least, not in the area they hope.
• "When she (Isabella) finds something she loves, she’s going to do it and excel at it. Just like you or me. I was a piece of shit until I found something I loved." — Robert Kelly (51:48)
• Robert makes peace with his son Max’s lack of academic interest.

On Schools and Learning (53:31–56:13)

• Robert: “School just teaches them how to be workers. They want every kid to be the same.”
• Jay: "Most kids, you've got to play the numbers… But there are kids who need a different approach."
• They describe alternative, flexible schools and debate if they’d like their own children in such systems.

7. Kids’ Schedules, Activities, and the Value of Boredom (56:46–59:17)

• Jay and Robert go back and forth about pushing kids into activity versus allowing downtime.
• The tension between over-scheduling and letting kids just be kids:
  • "I think the kids should be racked up with extracurricular activities… they should be busy." — Jay Oakerson (57:10)

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Notable Quotes

"Don't waste you and your mother's time waiting in line looking a buffoon on TV."
— Jay Oakerson (47:37)

"You gotta see the swan that appears from my breakdown."
— Jay Oakerson (47:59)

"My top speed is the lowest speed for most people."
— Robert Kelly (16:26)

"There is a fine line between lying and being inspiring."
— Robert Kelly (49:08)

"When she finds something she loves, she can do it. Excel at it. Just like you or me."
— Robert Kelly (51:48)

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Memorable Moments

• Jay’s commitment to the “turd in the punch bowl” bit at a would-be rescue scene (10:39).
• Robert’s guilt over "riding dirty" on the subway for the first time in his life—and how it changed his destiny (08:01).
• The dream-crushing X Factor story, including Jay's live assessment of Isabella's singing in the car (44:39).
• Raw locker-room humor breaks out around school stories and bodily functions (20:51+).

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Episode Structure at a Glance (Timestamps)

• 00:51: Robert opens, Jay’s missing, playful ribbing about show hierarchy
• 05:02–08:28: Subway story, serendipity, and honesty
• 09:42–14:42: Jay arrives—“turd in the punch bowl,” heroic anti-heroics
• 14:38–26:07: Subway hopping, sports failures, and school differences
• 29:28–49:15: Dream crushing, tough parenting, and the X Factor story
• 53:31–56:13: Rethinking schools, learning styles, and how kids grow
• 56:46–59:17: Kids’ schedules, activities, teen boredom, exhaustion

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Tone and Style

The episode is classic Bonfire: irreverent, deeply personal, sometimes a little dark, but always anchored by warmth and self-deprecation. The hosts are honest about their own parenting limits, the struggles of modern kids, and how to be supportive without blowing smoke.

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For Listeners Who Missed It

This episode is a perfect snapshot of Jay and Bobby’s comedic partnership—full of “dream crusher” advice, lovable failure, and the real talk every parent or grown-up can relate to. Whether or not you agree with their methods, the honesty (and laughter) is at full blast.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[Jay Oakerson]

I love my phone, but not my carrier.

[Christine]

What do I do?

[T-Mobile Announcer]

Well, there are 250 reasons to join T Mobile.

[Black Lou]

Like what?

[T-Mobile Announcer]

You can keep your phone and your number and T Mobile helps pay it off. Up to $800 per line.

[Jay Oakerson]

So I wouldn't have to buy a new phone?

[T-Mobile Announcer]

Yep. Plus your plan price stays the same for 5 years on experience plans.

[Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[T-Mobile Announcer]

Find your reason@t mobile.com

[Robert Kelly]

via virtual prepaid guard card. Typically takes 15 days after rebate, submission price guarantee on TalkText and 5G data

[Jay Oakerson]

exclusions like taxes and fees apply. The snack wrap plus Caesar sauce equals

[Robert Kelly]

extra crispy chicken caesary greatness. Sounds delicious.

[Jay Oakerson]

Caesar sauce at McDonald's for a limited time.

[Bonfire Announcer]

And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Robert Kelly]

What's up, everybody? It's Monday. We're back. I got some good news and I got some bad news. The good news is, is we're back on the air. The bad news is poor J's in horrific traffic right now coming through the tunnel. He's on his way here. He'll be here. He's probably listening right now, making sure that, you know, I'm not popping off with a stupid song. He probably hated that song, right?

[Black Lou]

I think he would have liked it.

[Robert Kelly]

You think so? I don't think so. I think he would have. He would have probably had some. No, no, no. Do this song. If I said this song, you'd be like, he make a face.

[Black Lou]

Oh, he would have overruled you. But he would have tapped his painted fingernails to it.

[Robert Kelly]

It felt good, though, that when I put my headphones on, my mic came on and you didn't look over at another chair and go, is it okay, boss?

[Black Lou]

It's not the case.

[Robert Kelly]

It is the case.

[Black Lou]

I know you feel that, but it's not really what's going through my.

[Robert Kelly]

It's not. I feel it. I see it with your eyes. I actually visually see you look at Jay and Jed. Jay actually gives you an eyebrow and nods and says it's okay to turn his mic on.

[Black Lou]

No, I don't make eye contact. All right, maybe I do give him a slight advantage over you.

[Robert Kelly]

As you should. Oh, Jesus. Lou's pissed off. Lou, calm down, bro. We all right, man?

[Paco]

I'm good.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. What the hell? What was that?

[Jay Oakerson]

That was my listening monitor.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, okay.

[Paco]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

See, unlike Jacob, you admit it and just tell us what it was. Jacob would have went, nothing. It was nothing. What sound?

[Black Lou]

The.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know, the bang that just happened. I don't know. What do you. It Wasn't me. Jacob's on vacation. He's down in Florida. I tell you this. We had our meeting this morning and still miserable in paradise. I mean, in paradise doesn't have to work. And I looked at him. He always has the face like some best friend just died or an animal just died. He's just. Yeah, the family. Even when he's not alone, he's still. He's still alone with the family. Yeah, dude. It was like. I thought he would be like, hey, dude, have you guys ever. I love Jacob. First of all, let me just say that I love Jacob and I love his miserable face. And it makes me happy because when you do make him laugh, it's like a father that never says, I love you. And then when he finally does it, it just breaks you up inside. When Jacob does laugh and crack a smile. Oh, it just makes you feel good, right?

[Bonfire Announcer]

Yes.

[Black Lou]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

It makes you feel. He doesn't. He doesn't give it out. He doesn't give it out, you know? But he. I mean, he is. I couldn't imagine having lunch with him. See, he must. He must just get jacked up when Dan comes in the room, doesn't he?

[Black Lou]

He does perk up a little bit.

[Robert Kelly]

He perks up.

[Black Lou]

But I haven't seen him with real joyful energy since he got drunk six years ago. Right before Pandemic.

[Robert Kelly]

We need to get him on a drug.

[Black Lou]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Or booze. We need to get him up. I think that it. Can I be honest, too. I perk up when Dan comes around. If you don't perk up when soda's in the room, there's something wrong with your insides, man. Every time I just did the regs and I walked in kind of, like, out of it, trying to get down there on time. I took the thing and I walked in, and I just saw Dan. He's just like, hey, pal. And you're like, what's up? Hi, Dan. How are you, buddy? And he just gives you that big hug, that awkward Frankenstein hug that he has to bend in half to come down to you. God, Dan. Soda. And then Lewis walked in and it all went away. And then we plugged Body Brain coffee for five minutes, which I'm drinking right now. It's fantastic. If he gets subscriptions to it, he's quitting the business. I want it to become really famous. He'll still do skanks. Relax, Christine. But he'll quit the regs. It'll just be me, Dan, and Joe, which will be awesome. Please buy Body Brain. Buy as Much body brain as you can. We're doing it for us. And we're doing doing it to have Paco freed from whatever slave indention servant. He's in. He really is. I know. He's got you whipped, doesn't he? Paco's here. Paco, come over on the mic, buddy. Paco's in the room. Don't take Jay's mic. What are you eating? A Lara bar. Oh, a Lara bar. Oh, the female, the lesbian bar.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's pretty good.

[Robert Kelly]

It is for you. That's a, that's a chick bar. You know my bar? That is, that's a chick bar. Made my dad love this stuff. Oh God, you really make me sick. There he is. I think Jay's singing it in the car right now. Dude, I was talking about this on the racks today. I did something today that me up made me feel bad. I, I, I, I snuck. Thank you, Jacob. I snuck into the train.

[Black Lou]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I didn't hop. I can't hop. You know, let's not get carried away. I mean, I would have, I would have took the E if that was the case, but this, I was coming down the stairs at the C and the train just pulled the doors open and I look and you know the door, someone had come out the door and it was open and I stopped. And I've never done it. I've never and all, Even when I was poor. I remember when I was first in New York, I used to have just enough money you had to buy a token. You remember tokens?

[Christine]

No, they were already metro card when I got here.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm so old, I'm fucking.

[Christine]

Tokens are wild. I mean, Metro card at this point is like archaic.

[Robert Kelly]

I know. I threw it out there hoping one of you would be like, yeah, ludas. Lou, do you remember tokens?

[Black Lou]

I do, but I was too afraid to ride the subway back then.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. Cuz you wouldn't. 4 I suck. I well you had to buy a token for 150. You got a little token and that's the only way you get on the R on the subway. So I had a buck fifty in my pocket and I lived on 97th street, so I would take as her place all the way up to 97th street on the sixth train late at night after the Cellar. So I was like, okay, great. I got but I in my brain I was like, I have a token and I have the 150. And old fat Bobby had a good night doing comedy. So I went over and I bought a chocolate covered pretzel for 150. It was these big chocolate covered. Remember the delis? They used to have these big chocolate cover pretzels. And I bought a chocolate cover pretzel. And then I went to the train. I didn't have any money. That 150 was for the token. I didn't have a token. I had to walk 97 blocks. I had no money, no ATM. Don't look at me. Don't.

[Christine]

Why did you hop the turnstile then?

[Robert Kelly]

That's what I'm saying. I just had values.

[Christine]

That's crazy.

[Robert Kelly]

Crazy, right? I should have just hopped it. And it was three in the morning, there was nobody there. Yeah, but I have this thing, this Catholic guilt, this bullshit that I have in me that I didn't do it. I want. But here's the thing. I. I did walk 97 blocks on 96th Street. Bumped into a friend, had a falling out with two years ago. He was crossing the street. I was crossing the street like three in the morning. And I was like, Sam. And he's like, bob. And we talked for like hours. And we rekindled our friendship. Still friend to this day, sends me a happy birthday on the tuba every year. Video. So if I never. If I had fucking been a piece of and hopped the turnstile, I. I would have never saw Sam again. We might not be friends.

[Christine]

It's your higher power working for you.

[Robert Kelly]

It was my.

[Christine]

Don't.

[Robert Kelly]

Mark. I feel like you're mocking my higher power.

[Christine]

Why?

[Robert Kelly]

Because you said the word higher power? And your tone. Yes.

[Christine]

Is it my tone?

[Robert Kelly]

It's your tone.

[Christine]

Is my tone off?

[Robert Kelly]

That's it right there. Every year I get one of these. It's fantastic. I get mad when I don't get it, but I did it today. I saw it and I just didn't want to wait. And I had time. I could have waited six minutes for the E, but I saw it and I just. Something inside of me went, go for it.

[Christine]

Do you want to be a bad boy?

[Robert Kelly]

I heard this. I heard, go for it. You're wearing a dungaree jacket. You just saw the outside as the musical. Go for it, Johnny boy.

[Christine]

Leave your sweet merch on.

[Robert Kelly]

Dally was inside me telling me to go for it, man. And I went for it. And then I ran. I had to run to make the doors. And I had to jump down the three steps and almost fucking blew up both knees. And then I. As soon as I jumped, I went, don't. There he is. And I jumped and got in the train. And then two young Kids were laughing at me, which made me feel bad. What's up, man? Oh, you're in fucking trap. You all right? It was terrible, right?

[Jay Oakerson]

Not well. Why? I'm late. A little bit of an ordeal.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh.

[Jay Oakerson]

And, well, if you'll give me a second, I could tell you guys, Jay,

[Robert Kelly]

you have all the time in the world.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm a little solemn, but I'm still a little shaken up, quite honestly.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my God, Jay, what happened?

[Jay Oakerson]

I was on my way here.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, no.

[Jay Oakerson]

Things were going fine.

[Robert Kelly]

Smooth, right?

[Jay Oakerson]

I get right before the Holland Tunnel, there's a little bit of traffic.

[Christine]

Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

I. Yeah. Start hearing the girl screaming, help. Help. Help. My sister.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Jay Oakerson]

So I'm like, that's crazy. So then I get out of the car, leave it in traffic.

[Robert Kelly]

In traffic at the Holland Tunnel, someone yells, help.

[Jay Oakerson]

You got to go see if they need help.

[Robert Kelly]

Of course you do.

[Jay Oakerson]

I know that she's standing on the pier of the Hudson.

[Robert Kelly]

So you heard help from the Holland Tunnel?

[Jay Oakerson]

I was in line. I was just.

[Robert Kelly]

You're in line?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And you could. Okay, that's a far.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. My car.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, that's a far.

[Jay Oakerson]

My car does the thing where it turns off when you stop.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

So I could hear faintly.

[Robert Kelly]

Faintly. Because it's far away.

[Jay Oakerson]

Nobody else was reacting. So I go over there.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then I get to her. She is freaking out, of course. She's saying, my sister. My sister's in the water. She can't swim.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I go, okay, I can swim. I gotta help her. And then I. First I yelled, turd in the punch bowl.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God, Jay.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm yelling it, and I'm building an audience now. Everyone's having a good laugh at it.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, no.

[Jay Oakerson]

And while I was doing that, the Coast Guard jumped in and grabbed her, I think. Or the. Whatever, you know, cops out there.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then up. And then if I'm. Look, I don't want to get in trouble with the higher ups here at SiriusXM. I know they pay us good money to show up on time, but my commitment to the bit is what made me late today. And you should be committing very low heroics. But I did get that turd in the punch bowl thing out.

[Robert Kelly]

I would say comedian, hero, comedic hero, maybe. Hero.

[Jay Oakerson]

Because I brought a community of, I can only guess, are, like, homeless and vagabonds. Is that a word still?

[Robert Kelly]

That is a. That is, yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

I mean, if you saw everyone together and you. These people don't have good lives. Now turn in the punch bowl. Turn in the pit. It Was like a thing.

[Robert Kelly]

That's crazy. You got them all together.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. And then. So I paid a guy to get some drone footage of it. I'm late. It's. I didn't handle everything properly.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, so you heard there was a guy there that had a drone?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

Drone guy. To get.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, homeless people and vagabonds don't. Notoriously don't get together.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, not like that.

[Robert Kelly]

Not like that.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no. The homeless and the vagabonds are usually. That's a war on the shore right there. But I brought everybody together. Maybe that's heroic. I guess a little bit. I don't know what happened to the girl because then I was like, oh, someone else jumped in the water. I assume they're saving her.

[Robert Kelly]

Right.

[Jay Oakerson]

I gotta get to work.

[Robert Kelly]

Right.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I jumped out and I still

[Robert Kelly]

ended up here on basically a couple minutes. Dude, a couple minutes late. Oh, man,

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know. I don't know if I deserve that.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, no, no, no. I'm going to tell you as a hero with a very uncanny similar story.

[Jay Oakerson]

Really? Oh, I guess so.

[T-Mobile Announcer]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

I guess upon reflection, that does seem.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, there was a sister of yours. There was a sister yelling, hell, everyone was black.

[Robert Kelly]

And then I saw her.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then you said the turd and the punch.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I didn't say that. I didn't.

[Jay Oakerson]

You didn't say it.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't say.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's why I felt compelled. Have to get the joke in.

[Robert Kelly]

Right.

[Jay Oakerson]

There'll always be somebody who's willing to jump in and save a kid in the water.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

But far be it from someone to have the comedic heroism, comedic heroics to. To get vagabonds and the homeless together, to start turning the punch bowl. And by the way, these vagabonds, it was like a. Like a. Like a gang in a Death Wish movie. Black, white? No. Asian.

[Paco]

Paco.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm sorry, no.

[Robert Kelly]

Because they don't.

[Jay Oakerson]

Black, white, Latino, old, young, it didn't matter. Everyone's brought together that turd in the punch bowl joke. I'll tell you what. Racial jokes can cross race lines if everyone's the same kind of poor and homeless.

[Robert Kelly]

Tell you something. Bigotry is the way. The pathway to peace. I think I read that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Bigotry is the pathway to peace.

[Jay Oakerson]

I thought that was the seventh step of the 12.

[Robert Kelly]

It's actually. I think it's the 14th step.

[Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[Robert Kelly]

I read that in the big Book.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's who you added.

[Black Lou]

Yeah, I read that too. He's right.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it Is it is.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, really?

[Black Lou]

Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, you guys would know.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, we would know.

[Jay Oakerson]

I haven't hit rock bottom yet,

[Robert Kelly]

Dude.

[Jay Oakerson]

I haven't found my rock bottom.

[Robert Kelly]

I was telling them, dude, I didn't jump the turnstile, but I. The door was open, and I. I ran through it today.

[Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Robert Kelly]

And I didn't pay my $3. Is it 350? I don't even know how much it is.

[Jay Oakerson]

You meant in the train. I hate. I hate. I'm an English professor. What do I know? You said you didn't jump to turnstile.

[Robert Kelly]

I did not.

[Jay Oakerson]

You meant cannot.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I said that too. Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay. Oh, okay.

[Robert Kelly]

Because Christine said turnstile, and I said, are you out of your mind?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I couldn't just.

[Jay Oakerson]

That would be crazy.

[Robert Kelly]

I would have to roll over it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, now.

[Robert Kelly]

Almost like a Slinky.

[Jay Oakerson]

Don't they make. Now? They say they make them now. See, they try to make it so you can't jump over them now. Well, because Dylan said he tried, and he's got a bunch of bruises on his inner leg from dropping.

[Robert Kelly]

They have, like.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's too old for that, though, by the way.

[Robert Kelly]

Almost like they have the turnstile, but then, like, a propeller thing going up on it. So you have to. You have to be very tall to jump on.

[Paco]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

But I've still seen dudes get through it. There's a way to get through it. I just personally wouldn't risk whatever ligament tear or ACL injury that would happen

[Jay Oakerson]

if I. I would take both of those over. What I'm more worried about more than the injury is the grotesque amount of public humiliation I'd be feeling when everyone was like, why did that tub of shit even attempt to do something that spry?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Paco]

And.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then while I'm sitting there holding my calf, I had to say things like, I'm actually surprisingly nimble for my size.

[Black Lou]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

No, they left the door open, and I saw it open. And the train. The guy just went, beware. He said, some beware. The doors are closing. Something. And I was like, I think I can make it. And then I heard. I heard Dallas from the outside as the musical. Go. Go for it. And I. And I went for it, and I ran. If you could have. Here's the thing with running with me. I always think I'm running way f than I am. And I saw somebody videotape me. I think it was Max videotape me running. And I don't run fast at all.

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

At my top speed is the lowest speed for most people.

[Jay Oakerson]

It Is funny. I do know, too. I also feel like. Well, I have that. That story that killed me so much from my school in Philly. Didn't have a football team. It was a concrete schoolyard.

[Robert Kelly]

Concrete.

[Black Lou]

Whoa.

[Robert Kelly]

My brain just stopped. Concrete squad. Watch the swears.

[Jay Oakerson]

We have a swear jar now.

[Robert Kelly]

We have a swear jar. We should get a swear jar, by the way.

[Jay Oakerson]

We should get a swear jar.

[Robert Kelly]

You should get a swear jar and a bad word jar.

[Jay Oakerson]

Can I say before. Hold this. And hold this pin for me, Bobby. Story about me, high school football tryouts. Keep that pin.

[Robert Kelly]

I got the pin right here.

[Jay Oakerson]

Because I do want to say something that I noticed when I came in. Is Jacob on Zoom?

[Robert Kelly]

No, he's not. He's on vacation.

[Jay Oakerson]

Miserable, pure vacation.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, we saw him in the Zoom this morning. I thought he would be a little happier.

[Jay Oakerson]

Right. Not still miserable. I gotta tell you this.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I mean this.

[Robert Kelly]

You do.

[Jay Oakerson]

You talked to me on the phone earlier.

[Robert Kelly]

I did.

[Jay Oakerson]

I was running late.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

I told you. I was like. I go, I'm running late. If you could cover me for a few minutes. I'm sorry. I will not apologize for this. Because my commitment to the bit, someone had to do the turd and the punch bar. Nobody else there was going to say that.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

I had to get out of the car.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm pretty sure nobody heard the helps too. That far away.

[Jay Oakerson]

Except nobody.

[Robert Kelly]

Nobody.

[Jay Oakerson]

You got to have my weird sense of sonar hearing.

[T-Mobile Announcer]

Right?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Almost porpoise, like.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. I was more, like, drawn. Like, I sniffed out the joke. I was like, is there a turd in the punch bowl? Because I've been looking to say that

[Robert Kelly]

you have like, a joke like.

[Jay Oakerson]

Like Spidey sense.

[Robert Kelly]

Spidey joke. Spidey sense.

[T-Mobile Announcer]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Right.

[Jay Oakerson]

But I was bit by Dave Attell. But then I was like, ooh, I fucked up. Pulling off that world class hilarious bit and bringing together two communities. But I was stressing. And what you'd hope is that when you walk into the situation, when I get here a few minutes late, it's going to be. And immediately when I walked in the room, I saw Paco. I forgot Paco was coming in.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, Paco's here.

[Jay Oakerson]

Black Lou's back. Everyone looked over. DJ Lose over and smiled.

[Robert Kelly]

Smiled. Of course.

[Jay Oakerson]

I looked at you. You went, there he is.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And everything's all right feeling.

[Black Lou]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I sat down. I mean, I grabbed the headphones, started doing a. Started doing a bit about. A bit.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. A bit and a bit.

[Jay Oakerson]

A bit within a bit.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know. If people know how hard a bit and a bit is, we had a

[Jay Oakerson]

good time, went back and forth. And I gotta tell you, that good energy is brought to you solely in part by the lack of Jacob being here. If I would have walked in and seen that face right away, why can't we do to him what they did to the Bronx tale guy? I don't want that face looking at my dice.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I thought. How you mean the mush. The mush, the mush.

[Jay Oakerson]

We gotta have the mush closet.

[Black Lou]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, we could build a closet in the corner somewhere.

[Jay Oakerson]

We could build a closet in the corner.

[Black Lou]

Black.

[Jay Oakerson]

We have to move you over a little bit. But would you be okay with that? For the Jacob closet, I say this. Let's have it heated.

[Robert Kelly]

We were going to have a

[Jay Oakerson]

bacon there.

[Robert Kelly]

We were going to have the. The plastic cover.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

That just goes over his chair and him. It connects to the desk. The COVID thing that they made. Yeah, get that. And then we put a curtain in it. And then we don't want to look. We just. It flops down.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't mind that. Or just in a regular thing, because I will trust that if we look away for five seconds, he goes right into miserable face.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

I would suggest that on the COVID that we put over him, we just put, like a giant, like, emoji sticker. Whatever. We want to see over the face part of it.

[Robert Kelly]

We could put a happy face of him. Yeah, yeah, something like that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Just a smiling Jacob.

[Robert Kelly]

But we put, like, a Japanese hat, like one of those rice hats. The fields.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Look at, like, he's.

[Jay Oakerson]

I wouldn't mind that at all.

[Robert Kelly]

Like that. No. What was the.

[Black Lou]

What was.

[Robert Kelly]

That's too big. What's the plastic thing? Remember the plastic thing you want to buy?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. We ordered it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

They just, like, said they just refunded the money. And they were like, no.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, no.

[Jay Oakerson]

They just didn't give it.

[Robert Kelly]

Right. Well, that sucks.

[Jay Oakerson]

But yes, they were out of them.

[Robert Kelly]

I have a pin for you. Take that pin.

[Jay Oakerson]

Thank you.

[Robert Kelly]

Basketball story. No, football story. High school football.

[Jay Oakerson]

About running fast.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Hold that pin, though, because I need the. I have a collection of pins.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay, good.

[Robert Kelly]

That's my pin.

[Jay Oakerson]

They. I'm holding the pin, by the way. I don't know if you see this. For no reason whatsoever. I'm holding the fictitious pin. Can I see myself on camera? Paco, why don't you tell me? There's so many folds in my shirt.

[Robert Kelly]

I actually. I handed you the pin. And after I handed you the pin, I Went for my. To put back my other pins, FYI. Because we commit.

[Jay Oakerson]

Very good. We commit to the bit. High school. So I didn't have a football team in my school, and then I moved senior year.

[Robert Kelly]

Hang on one second. Go ahead.

[Jay Oakerson]

You farted.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob's not here.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't love farts either. And DJ Lou doesn't like him, and Black Lou really doesn't like them.

[Robert Kelly]

I got that all backwards. I'm sorry you guys aren't here when Jacob's just here. I fart. It's not gonna be. There you go. Oh, that's a good one, too.

[Paco]

Oh, fuck.

[Robert Kelly]

Not the fart. The thing.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, it's the fart you meant.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, is it? It's not bad, is it? Yeah, I did have protein yogurt, protein shake, protein bar, bananas, and I believe. What else was the other thing? Oh, coffee.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why does every day have to be a colon flush with you? Can you just have one regular fucking third day, buddy?

[Robert Kelly]

I'm working out, kid.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's not. That doesn't make sense for any of this, what we're doing, you know?

[Robert Kelly]

Let me tell you this real quick. You know you lose 69 calories every time you fart.

[Jay Oakerson]

I was gonna tell you that Fart just blew my pin away. What are we talking about?

[Robert Kelly]

Football. You didn't have one shitty school, Little Chubby J.

[Jay Oakerson]

No football team. Played neighborhood football all the time. Yeah, tackle, but, you know, no fucking formidable plays or lines or anything.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, that looks like your high school looks like most juvie halls I was in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, Michelle Pfeiffer should be a teacher there.

[Jay Oakerson]

And they had metal detectors by the end of the inside, so.

[Robert Kelly]

Crazy. Dude, you made it out of there.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that was my friend Duan used to make me laugh all the time because we used to go. They used to say that things are there. The gates on the windows are there, so you don't. So you don't pass weapons through the windows. They say it was so boring. You used to grab. Like, when the teachers turn around, just grab them so you can't fucking jump out. The boredom of this class. I guess you had to know Dwan, one of my black friends. Oh, man.

[Robert Kelly]

No parking. They have no parking for the teachers. They have to park on just the street.

[Jay Oakerson]

Literally no parking.

[Robert Kelly]

There's no parking. It's right across from all the row houses. It looks like a factory.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. And then down the block and diagonal across the street. No, other way. Keep going down all the way across the street. Well, you'll see the schoolyard over at the end of this.

[Robert Kelly]

That's Timothy McVeigh's U Haul truck, by the way.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, they added these buildings weren't there when I was there. This was all as part of our schoolyard. But wait, go look to the left. I want you to see. Wait a second.

[Black Lou]

Back up.

[Jay Oakerson]

Back the fuck up. This seems wrong because our. I don't know, maybe it's around the corner, but there was a synagogue that we had to go to 10th grade in.

[Robert Kelly]

You had to go to 10th grade

[Jay Oakerson]

in synagogue in a synagogue? Yeah, it was a synagogue.

[Robert Kelly]

It wasn't even the black kids or just you because you're a little Jewish.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, even the black kids, for sure.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, that must have been fun for them.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Why are they here?

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, no, but it wasn't. It wasn't a religious school. They just used the thing they needed the room. So downstairs there's like classrooms. And that was just 10th grade was in there. In the bottom of a synagogue. It wasn't. It just happened to be a synagogue.

[Robert Kelly]

Did it? Lock up the Torah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Hit lock up the Torah. Wouldn't offend the black kids. Look at that school picture. Am I in that one? Hilarious. Yeah, there's a strong chance I'll be in that picture.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God, please.

[Jay Oakerson]

By the way, no one gives a fuck about me. And as an alumni anywhere.

[Robert Kelly]

Me neither, dude.

[Jay Oakerson]

No one gives a shit. I think if I went to a fucking like a. Whatever you would call it, a reunion.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

I feel like everyone would be like, oh, yeah, what have you been up to?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think I did not make a dent anywhere I went in my life, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

They had a famous people from Medford thing. I wasn't on it. It's like, go yourself.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's crazy.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that's nuts. I should be at least number three or five.

[Jay Oakerson]

Look up Triton High School next. This is where I went senior year.

[Christine]

This is so funny, Jim. Just on your school's Facebook page and like, oh, no, where'd it go? Sorry. One of the most recent posts is advertisement for waste management hiring.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, guys, you ain't gonna make it.

[Jay Oakerson]

And also another service is hiring too.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, what is that, Kelly?

[Jay Oakerson]

Service is also high. What is that? What kind of service? Night shifts.

[Robert Kelly]

That's actually my business.

[Jay Oakerson]

We're urgently hiring.

[Robert Kelly]

I hire kids too. I hire young kids to bang dawn on weekends.

[Jay Oakerson]

Someone will get the off this page. I love it. You're such a fucking hoe.

[Robert Kelly]

I love it. Well, I say cuck, you say ho. Tomato. Tomato.

[Jay Oakerson]

You got to hear The Kanye songs. You know what I'm doing.

[Black Lou]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're such a fucking hoe.

[Robert Kelly]

I love it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Such a hoe.

[Robert Kelly]

I love it.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's really gonna tickle you while she brings that up. I also wanted to show you. Show him Triton High School, by the way. So I moved to a school that had a football team. And I was like, I should take advantage of this. I've never played organized sports. I'm big and fat. I guess it turns out I thought I was just big.

[Robert Kelly]

You were big back then. You weren't fat. You got fat.

[Jay Oakerson]

You started comedy twenties. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. You were big. You were actually big from that. That stand up thing. You had big shoulders. You're a big guy.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. So I was like, I'll play football. This will be great. Yeah. And I go to Hell Week, which

[Robert Kelly]

is every week at that school.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

For a white Jewish kid.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, this.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, this is the nice school.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. That's when I switched to senior year. They had a team.

[Robert Kelly]

So they have a parking lot.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes, they do. They have a roundabout, but there's a football field back there and stuff you can see.

[Robert Kelly]

That's nice.

[Jay Oakerson]

So I went to this school for you. It's not that nice, but it was way nicer than. Really nice than cell block C that

[Robert Kelly]

you were going to.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes, it was way nice than that. But I mean, Christine's school. I talked to Dave Williamson. I saw him the other week in Arizona. You know, Burt's one of Bert's guys. Yeah, Dave Williams, great dude. And he does. He was saying, like, he coaches high school water polo. A water polo guy. I know, it's so funny. What a funny sport. But he says, yeah. He goes, we're finally catching up to Miracosta. Which I go, oh, yeah. I go, christine went there. And he's like, everything there is, like, professional.

[Christine]

Yeah. Full blown tennis courts that have always been there. They just like a $38 million.

[Robert Kelly]

That's your high school.

[Jay Oakerson]

There's seven tennis courts, three full baseball.

[Christine]

That's the theater that is shaped like a show.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that where you learn the art of acting? No. Oh, actually, that's where she dropped.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's where she dropped it. To do a coke. To become a cokehead.

[Black Lou]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Also Redondo.

[Robert Kelly]

What happened to you? How did you not. How did the school not propel you cocaine?

[Jay Oakerson]

Remember you and Christina to go through your foibles as children?

[Christine]

Yeah. I wish I had taken more advantage

[Jay Oakerson]

of the school taking more cocaine. I should have started cocaine earlier. Would have got out of this dumb place way earlier.

[Christine]

Yeah, this was like a prior. Like, people in that community don't send their kids to private schools. They send their kids to Costa, and so they treat it like a rich

[Jay Oakerson]

private school to us.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, we're not. We don't.

[Christine]

Sorry. Miracosta.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I hate everything.

[Christine]

Sound worse than Costa.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, the way you say it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you said it twaty both ways. How about just Miracosta High School?

[Robert Kelly]

Miracosta. There you go.

[Jay Oakerson]

Miracosta. It's fine. But, yeah, their athletic complex is what it's called. I mean, that's crazy.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

They just built this, so that's an insane thing. So Triton High School wasn't like that. But I go to Hell week, which is 2A days, right? And I'm like, all right. And I go, this is gonna be good for me. I lied.

[Robert Kelly]

I thought Hell Week was you. And they didn't have lunch. Sorry.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, they would. I had to lie. I had to get a doctor to lie and say I skipped past that. I had a knee issue.

[Robert Kelly]

You fucking what?

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't even know where you're gonna go to. What's the pussy move? I had a doctor fake that I didn't have this.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, that you didn't have it?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I wanted to play.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I thought you faked it. You did have it. Not to do Hell Week.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's these. Osgood Schlotter's disease.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, dude, I'm sorry for that. Enough of the disease. The name of it is.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's a terrible name.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's gross.

[Jay Oakerson]

I guess a guy who had bad knees.

[Black Lou]

Say it again.

[Jay Oakerson]

Osgood Schlatter's disease. When you grow too fast. What you've heard of it for.

[Black Lou]

Yeah, we used to get tested for it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Black Lou]

Oh, I passed.

[Paco]

That's.

[Jay Oakerson]

When you get. Yeah. When you get tall fast, the cartilage kind of knots up and just creates, like, a. Basically a sore. It looks like you have, like, a little bump under your knee. A lot of people kind of have it, I think.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my God. It looks like a little.

[Jay Oakerson]

What's that, Lou? Must be nice. I'll take that disease any day to get taller, Lou. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I didn't realize how much that was. Must be sad for you guys to have to hear that. That I've. I have pains from being tall. Yeah, it's not all easy.

[Robert Kelly]

You also have a bird beak coming out of your knee.

[Jay Oakerson]

I also do have a bird beak

[Robert Kelly]

coming out of both my knees. Yeah, that's nuts.

[Jay Oakerson]

My bird beak.

[Robert Kelly]

That looks like A Jewish girl, and

[Jay Oakerson]

they're always sort of sore. So I had a doctor, like, I just kind of got past that somehow, or told him, like. But so I wanted to play 2A days. It's for five days. I think the two of these are six. Something like that. Whatever it is. I get to the last day and I go to the morning thing, and we're wrapping up the morning with a kickoff practice or punt practice. So it's like the guy kicks it and every. The whole team rushes down and circles around the ball. And, man, by like, the second one, I thought I was flying. I was like. I mean, I was like, I think I can hear the wind, like, cutting through my ears. I go. I think I'm. I go, I've succeeded. I've come so far in this. It's amazing. And then I just hear the coach yell out, wearing short shorts, Vessi. I think his last name was. He goes, coach Vessi. He goes, okerson, if you don't get that fucking lead out of your ass, I'm gonna bite it out. And then when we came back for the after practice, I purposely, like, got somebody to kind of, like, hit me low. Like, just like, put myself in a position to get hit low. And then I was like, oh, doctor says I can't play.

[Robert Kelly]

You had to pay a guy to take you out of the game?

[Jay Oakerson]

I didn't pay him. I didn't pay him. I just went way high on a fucking offensive line. And he went way low, and he just drilled me in the knee. And, you know, it hurt, but it wasn't that hurt. I said, the next play, I'm gonna do the thing where I'm like, well, that's the end of my. That's the end of my organized football career, guys. And then they. And I'm telling you, talk about times being different. Those coaches would harass me in the hallways. They wanted me to play.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

So they were like. I mean, they would really? But, I mean, you know, the word we dare not would speak here at Sirius xm. They would call me in the hallways.

[Robert Kelly]

What word is that?

[Jay Oakerson]

The N word.

[Robert Kelly]

Pretty sure that's the dare. Dare not speak on any word you call me.

[Jay Oakerson]

Pussy ass.

[T-Mobile Announcer]

N word.

[Jay Oakerson]

I was mostly white coaches. They didn't say that. Well, I mean, they probably did, but not the way we were just making jokes about.

[Robert Kelly]

So that was it.

[Jay Oakerson]

That was it.

[Robert Kelly]

You were done.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. I'm telling you what, it was also one of the overwhelming things, too, also was I when they said I was gonna be offensive line I treated the playbook like I was like, oh, I'll just use this as something to put like my plates on when I eat my room. Because what plays do I have to know? I'm blocking the guy I'm standing in front of. You're on the offensive line. And that's when we used to talk to Shane about this, who's an offensive line guy. And he was like. And he started laughing as I started telling that because he's like, it's so much more. It's maybe one of the most complicated positions on the field. You almost rarely just block the guy in front of you. It's almost never. So I was also, when we're running some plays, I'm tripping the quarterback and stepping on his foot and not making the hole in the right spot. You know, the, the running back's getting drilled because I was supposed to fucking follow. I was supposed to get in front of him and run in front of him and I just smacked the guy in front of me no matter what. So then by that afternoon I was just like, I'm going high, I'm going

[Robert Kelly]

high, I'm getting some gloves and I'm gonna fucking do something else.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna get the out of here and do something else. Can I keep these gloves?

[Robert Kelly]

I want to make my own shirts.

[Jay Oakerson]

Going into these shirt making biz guys, you'll see.

[Robert Kelly]

Can I keep these gloves?

[Jay Oakerson]

Although I will say the guy who was the all like the all star everything player on our team, who was a friend of mine, went, what I can only call is batshit crazy. He became friends with my brother when my brother was on drugs and started telling everyone that he is. He's like, I hope you can keep a secret. I am Christ.

[Robert Kelly]

What if he was?

[Jay Oakerson]

He's not.

[Robert Kelly]

What if he was?

[Jay Oakerson]

I promise you.

[Robert Kelly]

What if Christ isn't what we expect him to be?

[Jay Oakerson]

Tell you what though, tiny waist, muscular, but like more cut than like big black dude. And I will tell you this, when we were in fucking high school, he was the running back, the highest bench on the team by far. 365 bench for a hundred and seventy pound kid.

[Robert Kelly]

That's crazy.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's wild.

[Robert Kelly]

That's crazy.

[Jay Oakerson]

He was crazy strong, but he was Jesus.

[Robert Kelly]

So it's not really that crazy.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's not that crazy.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean he can make water into

[Jay Oakerson]

wine, he could walk on water and bench and I'll tell you what he could do. Weave through the defense of all those other white high schools out there. There was only the one the one high school that was just like, dominant down there, though, at that time was Overbrook. Not Overbrook in Philly. Overbrook Jersey side. Because that's where Ron Dane, Ron Dain went there. And that was like, through my high schooling. So just watching a guy, like, again, it's like almost when they show Andy Reid from the Eagles, like playing football as a kid, he's just like this tall.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And everybody else is this big. Ron Dane was the running back, and he's running through. He was like twice the size of me. Like, he'll be running through me, you know, I mean, I'm supposed to stop him. It's crazy.

[Robert Kelly]

It's. Where were you See a real genetic athlete.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. You're like. And by the way, Ron Dain didn't end up being like a major thing in the NFL. He was fine, but he was a good, big deal. He went to Wisconsin.

[Christine]

Just being in the NFL, though, is like, you're elite learning that.

[Jay Oakerson]

I said when a kid went away that we played rec center basketball with this kid, Joe Williams, he went to Loyola Marymount and sat on the bench and barely ever played a minute. But he came back that first summer at the rec center and he was like a tall guy. So when he played with us, it was always just super inside and a little bit of a shot. He's like shooting from half court in the rec center. Three pointers.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And he just picks up skill just like a different thing.

[Robert Kelly]

It is.

[Jay Oakerson]

And he went nowhere in basketball. Like, he didn't go to the NBA or G league or overseas or nothing.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, that's it. Max is in football, wrestling, and lacrosse, and he's elite. Well, we went this. This weekend. We went to West West Point to see Army Navy lacrosse play. And it's such a different, you know, and you don't want to, you know,

[Jay Oakerson]

you don't want to discourage your kid.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't want it. But he's like, yeah, I might play here. I'm like, first of all, it's for officers.

[Jay Oakerson]

Second of all, never in a million years.

[Robert Kelly]

You're gonna have to give five years of your life after to the military and then three years of reserves, and it's all. You have to get fantastic grades and you have to have, like, a senator or an alumni. I was like, dude, I know Big J Colin. I mean, unless Louie can know somebody, I can't. I don't know these people.

[Jay Oakerson]

I love my phone, but not my carrier.

[Christine]

What do I do?

[T-Mobile Announcer]

Well, there are 250 reasons to join

[Jay Oakerson]

T Mobile like what?

[T-Mobile Announcer]

You can keep your phone and your number and T mobile helps pay it off up to $800 per line.

[Jay Oakerson]

So I wouldn't have to buy a new phone?

[T-Mobile Announcer]

Yep. Plus your plan price stays the same for 5 years on experience plans.

[Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[T-Mobile Announcer]

Find your reason@t mobile.com

[Robert Kelly]

via virtual prepaid guard car typically takes 15 days after rebate submission price guarantee on Talk text

[Jay Oakerson]

and 5G data exclusions like taxes and fees apply.

[Robert Kelly]

I have three trips planned down to South America. I'm going back to Cuba with my son and I'm going to learn how to communicate with these people in their language, which empowers you, which makes you feel fantastic. It's never too late to learn a new language by using Babbel. If you're traveling this summer, here's a real travel hack. Don't wait until you land to start learning the language. Instead, try Babel. Babbel is built for real life, not vocab lists, not verb charts. But it's the real conversation. Practice just 10 minutes a day with Babbel. It can help you start having a real conversation in as little as three weeks. Lessons are quick. They have 200 language experts. It's awesome telling you right now I can talk to people. The guy that works in my house, he's Spanish. He comes in and I see him sometimes struggling with me to say things to me. Now I can talk to him in Spanish. He can talk to me a little bit. I don't know it all, but I know some. And I know how to be polite. I can talk to people around the city. See? It's amazing. Learn a new language with Babel. What language do you want to learn? They've got it. If you got summer travel coming up, now's the time to start so you can actually use what you learned on your trip. Right now, Babel is offering listeners up to 60% off. Go to babbel.com bonfire that's Babbel B-A B B E L.com bonfire for up to 60% off. Rules and restrictions may apply.

[Paco]

Some flavors can only be crafted by nature. One sunny day, a honeybee discovered a mysterious apple blossom and carried its pollen to a honeycrisp tree. Months later, something extraordinary was born. The Sugar Bee Apple. With notes of honey, caramel and molasses, balanced by bright sweetness and an extra crisp crunch, Sugar Bee apples elevate everything from charcuterie boards and salads to baked treats and everyday snacking. Ready for some inspiration? Download our free recipe book and discover delicious ways to enjoy Sugar bee [e-mail] from B to. You hear that?

[Jay Oakerson]

That's now crispy and McCrispy strips meeting creamy Caesar sauce. Sounds extra crispy. Caesar sauce at McDonald's for a limited time. Ba da ba ba ba.

[LifeLock Announcer]

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[Robert Kelly]

Oh, no.

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[Robert Kelly]

I thought I was safe.

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[Robert Kelly]

He's like, yeah, maybe someday, dude.

[Jay Oakerson]

You know, it's funny. I used to have a joke about Isabella. People used to get mad at me for telling it was funny. You go, but there is something about knowing your kids. Do you know what I mean? And I'm not saying Isabella could become a gazillionaire business owner or something. Start. I believe in her. She's a very, very smart kid. But it's just knowing your kid is the thing. And I said, when it used to be Carla would be like, you could be an astronaut if you want her. Or when Carla told her, like, dude, how much I pulled the brakes on that. Isabella came to me one time. She goes, mom said if I do whatever, she'll sit in line with me to go on the X Factor, which was one of the singing shows. I went, what? She was gonna take me to stand in line for the X Factor. I was like, why? She goes, so I could sing. I go, you sing?

[Robert Kelly]

Jay's the last guy you want to bring a dream to. Yeah, I'm sorry, bro.

[Jay Oakerson]

Nope. You're gonna hear how this ends, and you're gonna see I did the right thing in every possible way. Listen, dude, I'll take calls on if I did the right thing here. I believe I did. I believe I did the very Much right thing.

[Robert Kelly]

Give out the number then.

[Black Lou]

Because I don't think he tapped the app dog.

[Jay Oakerson]

866-969-1969. Or just tap the app dog.

[Robert Kelly]

I like that. Did we make that ours?

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, it's gonna be Lou's new shirt.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay? Comic wearables dot com.

[Jay Oakerson]

This guy's work. This guy's working on catchphrases to make new shirts.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, listen, he's got it. He's got to get that dowry money. He's gonna get a. A cow, a fucking gold statue.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's gonna slide some and he goes, we're gonna go like Lou, what was that? And he's gonna go, it's the board man. And then by the third week, he goes, it's the board man. And we're gonna go, oh, he's fucking working on a bit. He's working on a thing.

[Black Lou]

I need a catchphrase.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's the board man. Look, what's going on over there? It's the board man.

[Robert Kelly]

That's your new Sufi buddy.

[T-Mobile Announcer]

Fuck.

[Robert Kelly]

Where was I buddy? I got you. Take this pin. Take it right there. Your daughter, you discovered her, you broke. You smashed her dream.

[Black Lou]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's not.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, that's my perspective.

[Jay Oakerson]

You. I don't have a perspective. I haven't told the story yet.

[Robert Kelly]

You're gonna tell us the rest of it.

[Christine]

Was she.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, please.

[Jay Oakerson]

12.

[Robert Kelly]

Holy shit.

[Jay Oakerson]

13.

[Robert Kelly]

So a 12 year old came to you with a dream of being on a show.

[Jay Oakerson]

There's no dream. And you said what she said. Mom said if I do whatever, I forget what the thing was, that she'll

[Robert Kelly]

let me be her and you be you. Mom said that if I get work hard and I could audition for the X factor.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no, not work hard. It was nothing to do with singing, all right? It was if she did like, you know, her chores and whatever thing, she's like something else unrelated. If she did that properly, her reward would be her mom would take her for the X director.

[Robert Kelly]

My mom said if I did all my chores and cleaned up my room, she would take me to the auditions for the X factor.

[LifeLock Announcer]

Wow.

[Jay Oakerson]

Ow.

[Robert Kelly]

What the fuck was that for?

[Jay Oakerson]

Dad, you can't sing. You fucking stoon out. Mom.

[Robert Kelly]

What the you saying? What are you hitting her for?

[Jay Oakerson]

What the.

[Christine]

Ow.

[Robert Kelly]

What you hit me for? Why you hit me?

[Jay Oakerson]

It's a two man show we've been doing called Jay beats all of his family.

[Robert Kelly]

Christine, get in on it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Get in on this. You want some of this too? What's Christine say?

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, Jay.

[Jay Oakerson]

Ow, ow, ow,

[Robert Kelly]

ow. Meow. I'll be jigging. Hey, Jay, can you not watch it?

[Jay Oakerson]

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

[Robert Kelly]

I want to go to Florida.

[Jay Oakerson]

So she said she could. She said she wanted to do the X Factor or her mom was taking it. I was like, why? She goes, so I could sing. I was like, you don't sing. And she goes, yes, I do. And then we were driving the car go, you sing. You're gonna sit in line for the X Factor. I go, isabella, that is. That's like, a terrible idea. I go, the people waiting in line. I know. I said, I've done last comic standing. The people waiting in line overnight are not taking seriously. They're there for B roll. The people they're getting is. People have appointments. I've never done last comic standing where it was like, we're all waiting. You drive by it and laugh at Caroline's. The things around the block for people sitting there who think they're going to get in, stand next to a guy with a fucking TV on his head or whatever. Fucking dumb thing. Or dressed like a cat in the hat.

[Robert Kelly]

Even when Barry kept body. I think you got what it takes, buddy. I'm get you. They want to see a pal. Just do me a favor. The jokes. If you were drowning, what jokes would you save? Do those.

[Jay Oakerson]

So I lose it. So I say. I was like, where was I, buddy?

[Robert Kelly]

You were right there in the car with her. Here, take this pin. Take it. There you go.

[Jay Oakerson]

We're in the car. So I'm telling her. I go, that's just to get, like, B roll of people do. I say, I go, worst case. Best case scenario, you go on there and they don't show you because you're not, like, hilariously bad enough. And it's just going to be sitting there. I said, why don't you. Why don't I put you in singing lessons? If you want to sing, let's do it. I'll put you in singing lessons. And then in a couple years, I'll take you over to the X Factor when you're ready and you. Something you want to put your mind to.

[Robert Kelly]

Set your mind to you fucking the Great Santino.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. I mean, it was fantastic parenting. And then here's where it goes a little left again. She was like, I want. She wanted to go now. And then I go, all right, let me hear you sing. And then I just go into the radio. I go, you know this song? And I think it ended up on Umbrella by Rihanna. And I'm just looking at her Reverend Mirror. I go, go ahead. She just, like, is half like. I go, yeah, that's just in front of me. You're gonna be standing in front. A bunch of judges are gonna make fun of you. I go, you're her dad.

[Robert Kelly]

She's in a car.

[Jay Oakerson]

Told her the right thing.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but, dad, dude, you embarrassed her.

[Jay Oakerson]

I embarrassed her in a drawing contest when she was younger. Now she's a much better artist than I am. Am I right?

[Christine]

Yeah. I don't know if it was solely because of you. Embarrassing.

[Jay Oakerson]

Solely because of me. Because her mother told her she was already great.

[Robert Kelly]

She had a root and you dug it up and threw it on pavement, buddy.

[Jay Oakerson]

You gotta see. Isabella sent me this video a long time ago. And she goes. She goes, this is so you, dad. And it really made me laugh. It's a video. It's an Asian girl crying. It's a little Asian girl. She's crying, and it says because her dad said that she can't do a jump or a cartwheel. And she's like. He is that. He goes, but you can't. He's like, you have to do better. It's terrible. And she's like. But I think he goes, well, I get better at it. But it's not. And then it shows. And then he lets her do one, and it's terrible. And he goes, yeah, see? It's just still crying. It's just. It's so.

[Robert Kelly]

She was.

[Jay Oakerson]

This is totally you. I go, I bet you that girl one day is a national gymnast.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but not because of him.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes, exactly, because of him.

[Robert Kelly]

It's not because of him. It's.

[Jay Oakerson]

Did you ever see Whiplash?

[Robert Kelly]

Yes. It was a terrible. He was. He. It was a terrible.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why? Because he got a guy to find the best within himself. No one ever made me find the best within myself.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, you should live in China. You should. You should be, like, rushing.

[Jay Oakerson]

Even Keith bailed on me when I started getting white friends.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Dude. Yeah. Is this it? I can't watch this.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, it's so funny. It's really funny. Yeah, no, it's funny.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's a funny. This will make you laugh. How'd I hurt your feelings?

[Robert Kelly]

My Chloe. It sucks.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, because it sucks.

[Robert Kelly]

You need to do better. You heard me say that.

[Jay Oakerson]

You heard me say that.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my God.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay, let me see if it got real. Can you show me? Let me see if it got better. Okay. I don't know what to do.

[Robert Kelly]

She's my own one.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's not a cartwheel, though. Okay, let me See, Let me see you. I'm sure it's gonna be great. These laughs at her.

[Black Lou]

This is.

[Robert Kelly]

This is bunny hop. First of all, this is. That is the meanish I've ever seen.

[Jay Oakerson]

Can I tell you something? Let me tell you something. Buddy Lewis did all of his peaceful parenting and. And queefing his kid up like that. And you know what? James is just a regular 13 year old anyway. He's gonna lie to him. He's gonna do all the stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, Buddy.

[Jay Oakerson]

Gonna be the same kid as. As a kid that you just. Sometimes you gotta. Don't waste you and your mother's time waiting in line looking a buffoon on tv.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but you have to. You could.

[Bonfire Announcer]

You.

[Robert Kelly]

You could have.

[Jay Oakerson]

Here's what I didn't do. I didn't put it on social media ever.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay?

[Jay Oakerson]

I would defeat her at home. And then. And then everyone, let's see the swan that appears from my breakdown.

[Robert Kelly]

But you could have said, oh, that was good. I'm gonna hire somebody to help you get better. Do you want?

[Jay Oakerson]

But it wasn't good.

[Robert Kelly]

But it. But it wasn't terrible.

[Jay Oakerson]

It was terrible.

[Robert Kelly]

It was terrible. But listen, she's fucking five.

[Jay Oakerson]

She was 12.

[Robert Kelly]

That's 12.

[Christine]

Oh, I'm gonna see if she was 12.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, she's 12.

[Jay Oakerson]

Isabella.

[Paco]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Isabella was 12. This girl wasn't 12.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, I wouldn't have done that. That was very funny to say because it's more like me than not like me.

[Robert Kelly]

I know that it's a white guy doing it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I do. I know he's adopted. He adopted her just to abuse her, tell her she sucks at gymnastics. We got you because we thought you were gonna be a Japanese athlete.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I thought you were gonna actually make me money by now.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're not smart or athletic, you little dingbat.

[Robert Kelly]

You can't even bend over backwards.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, time to sell you in the trafficking.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't use you for my bank robbery

[Jay Oakerson]

if you can't find the safe.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't fit you in a small box. How am I gonna get you into the safe?

[Jay Oakerson]

Your contortionism sucks shit. So, yeah, I mean, with the drawing thing. I told her her drawing was fantastic, and then Carla said you're the best artist in the house.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay? There is a fine line between lying and being inspiring.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay?

[Robert Kelly]

You can inspire. So Max says he's gonna. He wants to go to college for lacrosse. I say your wrestling is good. Your football's right. Look, baseball. I told him you shouldn't do baseball and he was like, why? I go because you're. He was. You were in the crowd. You took all the practice balls and brought a sharpie and was signing your name on balls, giving them out to the opposing team's fans while you were supposed to be at the plate swinging the bat.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

It's not your thing.

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

And then you look out in the field and he's on the ground digging holes.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's going to be funny, but he is an athlete. Probably not. And Louie could probably get him in the army.

[Robert Kelly]

Taekwondo. He kept just looking at himself in the mirror, giving that little sucky face.

[Christine]

But doing the Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

Doing the bob. But jiu jitsu. Loves it. Excels at it. Wrestling. Fell in love with it.

[Christine]

It.

[Robert Kelly]

Lacrosse. I never. I don't even know. I don't even know what the lacrosse is. I don't even know.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's a stupid sport for rich jerk offs.

[Robert Kelly]

I. Look, I. I don't even. I don't watch it. I. I go to it. I went to this game because Max wants it, but loves it and plays boat people hockey. It's actually from American Indians.

[Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. American Indians.

[Jay Oakerson]

What have they ever brought us?

[Robert Kelly]

Good lacrosse and scalps.

[Jay Oakerson]

And using every part of the animal crying over trash.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, casinos are rocking because of them.

[Jay Oakerson]

Casinos suck.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, casinos in places that shouldn't be casinos. That's fucking awesome. We couldn't have done it without them.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, listen, you got to know your kid. You should inspire them. Isabella could a human being. She has the mental capacity to have been an astronaut. Carla is right. But know this kid. You're telling this kid things like that at 12 years old. It's like, what do you think she's excelling at anything. She doesn't give it. She does what I did. She does enough to get through and do well with as little work as possible. She's a shyster like myself.

[Robert Kelly]

It's called adhd.

[Jay Oakerson]

She's a shyster. She's just like me. No, this. She's very like me. I get. And Carla really wanted her to be a person. Like, Carla went. Got out of high school and wanted to go to college right away to nyu. And she wanted to go to law school directly afterwards. And she, you know, I mean, like, she's only. And she doesn't understand. Well, I mean, she understands, but it bums her to some degree that it was like Isabella's just not an academic.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, Isabella is Isabella's.

[Jay Oakerson]

She likes to wear funny contact lenses and half grills.

[Robert Kelly]

She's a creative person. So when she finds something she loves, she can do it. Excel at it. Just like you or me. I was a piece of until I found something I loved. And then I'll just. I'll. I'll do it and succeed at it. And Max is a terrible. He's not a good student. He hates school. And I tell him, I go, dude, you just gotta pass. I don't care. You don't have to get A's. Like, there's like, gnomes, kids, they, you know, you have to come home, you have to do piano. You have to do this. You have to do. He wants them academics, and they're good at it. Max, he. You know, he's good at certain things, but not school. He doesn't like it. But pass. You have to do it.

[Jay Oakerson]

There's a medium.

[Robert Kelly]

There's a medium. You have to get.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think you want to put. I mean, Isabella. Like, I expected her to do well in school. Ultimately, it's just like, when she didn't. I wasn't like, yeah.

[Black Lou]

Where.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think Carla has more of, like, what do you mean? Like, you missed several days of homework. And I'm like, I wish she didn't. Like, I was hoping, you know, it's like, I'll stay, make sure I'm on top of it more or whatever. Like, you get that. But it's also like. Like, I'm not blown away. I mean, I got. I got in trouble for, like, skipping half a year of school almost once. Like, it's like I used to do all kinds. So it's like the fact that, like, she was, like, not very stupid. She was a good kid. That mattered to me much more that she was a good.

[Robert Kelly]

I told my teacher to. To off and in eighth grade and walked out. Yeah, a seventh grade. I was like, I. I was out. I missed school for a week. I showed back up, and she's like, oh, Mr. Kelly, nice to see you. Like, kind of twaty. And I went, go yourself. And I just left again. I mean. So, Max, actually, I think school. Can I just be honest with you? I think school sucks. I think they teach them how to be just little workers, obedient. Don't talk, obey the rules. You have to. Like this. Like that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Some guy in a robe started talking to you, didn't he?

[Christine]

Well, I mean, that is exactly what school's for.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, yeah, but they teach you basic math, reading, garbage.

[Robert Kelly]

I just think that each kid is.

[Jay Oakerson]

Science works.

[Robert Kelly]

Each kid learns differently, and they want every kid to be the same exact kid. Especially in public schools, they have a curriculum.

[Jay Oakerson]

You gotta play the Numbers. You gotta play the numbers. Most kids can pick it up in that way.

[Robert Kelly]

I just think public schools, the way they want every kid to be the exact same because these teachers want to go in and teach their stupid shit and go home. Some kids don't learn that way.

[Jay Oakerson]

But how could you work around that?

[Robert Kelly]

Well, you could work around it by knowing what the kid likes. Yes, you have to learn basic math. Yes, you have to learn, you know, basic English and stuff like that.

[Jay Oakerson]

But at a certain point, I'm gonna get Max a crown for Christmas. But at certain prince's crown, at a

[Robert Kelly]

certain point, you should find out what their interests are and direct them in that way, I think.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, but what. At what point?

[Robert Kelly]

Look, what you.

[Jay Oakerson]

I mean, the thing in high school, you sort of can do that in the right school.

[Robert Kelly]

In the right school, but you could

[Jay Oakerson]

do that for sure. But I mean, like, I don't know. I mean, their kids are all. Yeah. I mean, on the basic level of everything, they got to learn the same way. I think. I don't think it's going to change. But I understand what you're saying. There are like hippie, dippy schools that go like. Like I said before. Was that you telling us that? Who was saying that? That, like, they now teach math in a different, like, conceptual way instead of

[Robert Kelly]

like, there's a whole different.

[Jay Oakerson]

The whole different way they approach of it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, whole different way they teach. But we looked into different schools for Max. We. There's a school in Greenwich, Connecticut, that they. They go to school. It's not from, you know, Max has to wake up at 6 and then go till 3. These new schools are like, no, you. Some days are 9:30 to like, two, and then Fridays, Some. Some days they have it off. Some days they go all the way to five with school.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I think some kids flourish in that.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I think other kids become Jared Leto. Do you know what I mean? Like, that's the thing. If you go to some.

[Robert Kelly]

What do you mean by that?

[Jay Oakerson]

If kids.

[Robert Kelly]

Douchebag.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, sort of. Yeah. Like a guy wearing flowing things, like, everything's artsy fucking fartsy. And. And like. Do you know what I'm saying? It's like, if you grew up in that thing, I get it. I say it's the privilege of, like, having money in a situation. So kids always go to schools where it's like, yeah, There was only 14 kids to a class and they took special attention to everybody. But you can't do that across the board.

[Robert Kelly]

But kids, as they grow and they Mature. They become different every year. So, like, stuff that Max didn't like last year, he likes now. And as they get into high school, all of a sudden he might start to like school or, like, be able to deal with it better. I. I don't fucking know. Yeah, but you know it. When he says, I hate school, I'm like, there's got to be something you like. He goes, yeah, I like, I like wrestling. I like lacrosse. I go, do you like art? He's like, no, I fucking hate art class. I was like, I get it. I understand it. School is taxing and it sucks. The pressure that we put on kids, the homework, all the after school work, all this. Like, I remember when I was a kid, like, when you left school, you might add a little homework, but you were done.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I know, but then you went and fucking did drugs and smoked fucking and got drunk. No, that's what I'm saying is like the idea of like. No, I lean more towards like, the idea of like. I think the kids should be racked up with extracurricular activities and stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Isabella always did stuff after school and her mom would put her in, like, fencing and all kinds of stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

I think that shit's great.

[Jay Oakerson]

She did all of it. But they should be busy. I think they shouldn't be. Like I said, as you're a kid, especially where it's like, that's a little because of your shitty upbringing. Which I get reflecting in that. But you're like, kid just needs a break, man. He just went to school three days in a row. I'm like, that's you being taken advantage of.

[Robert Kelly]

You might have a point a little bit.

[Jay Oakerson]

But he goes, he's 11, man. What's he gonna go to school five days a week? Every week? That's crazy.

[Robert Kelly]

But like today he had a. You know, you gotta wake up in the morning, get on the bus, go to school. But then he has double across, so he's not getting home until 9 o' clock at night.

[Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

Understood. But that is a long fucking day.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Doing kid shit.

[Robert Kelly]

Nah, it's not kid, but you're a kid, so kid shit to kids is ad to adult to us.

[Jay Oakerson]

But what Max would be doing in the world today would Max. But what Max would be doing in the world today if he wasn't doing that till 9 o', clock, we would have been doing an equivalent. We would have been out. Like, kids would be out playing sports or playing with their friends and just being active and running around and doing stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I.

[Jay Oakerson]

Now if he wasn't doing that.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I think he'd be.

[Jay Oakerson]

If he wasn't doing two a day lacrosse, he'd be home playing a video game.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, I'm doing nothing. I told Don I fill him up so he's exhausted at night and with his schedule. Fill his schedule?

[Jay Oakerson]

Schedule?

[Robert Kelly]

No, with. With. With. With.

[Jay Oakerson]

Fill him up with the gardener.

[Robert Kelly]

I almost said it. I don't want to say it. I had to realize, my son, I'm not a comic hero because I didn't go that far. I heard the cries.

[Jay Oakerson]

But maybe you're the hero we need, we deserve.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I agree with you that I. Every day he should be doing something and especially after school stuff. Sports. I love that he's into sports. I never did sports, but it is. It is a lot. And then to come home and have an hour and a half of homework. But I'd rather have him deal with that pressure and figure out how to do it than not to come home, play video games and just be home and be that kid.

[Jay Oakerson]

I feel it's getting too much. Get him a prostitute.

[Robert Kelly]

I did. I did that, but he didn't like it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Send her down to Casa de Max. Let her get rid of some of the poison and get him back in the game.

[Robert Kelly]

She came up. She's like her puppy, too.

[Jay Oakerson]

Big commercial break.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Big J. For tickets and all the tour dates, visit bigj. Comedy.com YouTube.com bigjokerson and.

[Jay Oakerson]

And Bobby Kelly. For those tickets and all tour dates, go to. Punch up that live Robert Kelly. Check out Bobby's new YouTube channel at Robert Kelly Comedy. And of course, every Tuesday night, 7pm at the Fat Black Pussycat Lounge, the Comedy Cellar. We'll be right back. It's the bonfire.

[Bonfire Announcer]

It's like math. McDonald's is now introducing all new Caesar sauce plus and even crispier McCrispy strip. This all equals a creamier creamy snack wrap. Try the new caesar sauce at McDonald's. Back to school season. You've got the new backpack, the folders, the 17 highlighter colors. But there's one essential that never makes the shopping list. Their pillow. And we all know better school days start with better sleep. So we've got big news. Coop Sleep Goods is running their back to school sale. Save 20% on the entire collection, spend 150 bucks or more and get a free gift. The sale starts July 28 and ends Aug. 25. From cooling pillows to mattress toppers that transform thin dorm room mattresses. I mean, the only thing left to blame for a bad night's sleep is their insomniac roommate. Coop's pillows are adjustable, built to fit how your kid sleeps, whether that's a twin XL dorm bed or their room at home. Spend 150 bucks or more and get a free ultratech pillow Protector. Head to coopsleepgoods.com comedy that's coopsleepgoods.com Comedy 20% off, plus a free pillow protector with 150 dol bucks or more.